0:02

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh

0:05

Willicam. Welcome to Parenting Hill, the show in

0:07

which Josh and I discuss what it's really

0:09

like to be a parent, which I would

0:11

say can be a little tricky. So to

0:13

make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about

0:15

the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting,

0:18

each week we'll be chatting to a famous

0:20

parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how

0:22

they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing

0:24

from you, the listener, with your tips, advice

0:26

and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because

0:29

let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of

0:31

us know what we're doing. Hello,

0:37

you're listening to Parenting Hill with... Hi

0:39

Ollie, can you say Rob Beckett? Can

0:44

you say Josh Willicam? Good

0:48

boy. Do we love the podcast?

0:51

There we go Rob, not just parents

0:53

of children. What was that? Hi,

0:56

I'm Alice Ella from Brighton. I'm

0:58

a disabled and chronically ill creator and

1:00

with life being so shit, Laul,

1:03

your podcast, that was there, Laul, just to

1:05

be clear. Oh,

1:09

you sick bastard. You sick

1:11

bastard, Josh. Laul. Your

1:13

podcast is so funny and relatable, even though my only child

1:15

I have is my cat. Right.

1:18

OK, because I didn't know what was going on

1:20

there. I didn't want to be disrespectful to someone's

1:22

child. I didn't want

1:25

to be sad, everything. Oh,

1:28

that was a really good effort. He's

1:30

216 months old and he's called Ollie. I'm

1:33

a singer-songwriter but haven't been well enough to

1:35

gig, except for a number of years now.

1:37

So I've had to find another path and

1:39

a shout out would be amazing. It's at

1:41

Alice Ella, Alice E-L-L-A,

1:44

to raise awareness of

1:46

people with Emmy and

1:48

chronic invisible disabilities. PMDD,

1:50

IBS, POT, etc.

1:53

Wow, that's a lot of abbreviations. I'll be honest with you,

1:55

if she didn't have Emmy, we ain't doing a fucking cat

1:58

at the start. No. But

2:00

Rob, that is what it

2:03

is. She has. We

2:05

can't say that. And I'd

2:07

like to say that this is a ballsy

2:09

move. I'd also like to submit myself as

2:11

a contender for more tired than Josh as

2:13

my fatigue has put me in a wheelchair.

2:18

I think she's peaking there 3-0. She's

2:20

peaking me there. That's

2:22

out of the way on Instagram. I would absolutely

2:24

love it if one episode you wheeled yourself into

2:27

the Zoom shot. I'm really

2:29

tired. I'm so tired. It's Alice Ella.

2:32

The irony would be that

2:35

the last leg of it

2:37

cancelled as you get a

2:39

disability. Do you know

2:42

what? Sometimes I have. Half a cough.

2:44

That was both. I

2:46

sometimes think about that. I

2:49

thought about, do you know you daydream

2:51

and you think about what

2:54

if I fell off a Stu platform

2:56

or whatever. Do you ever have those daydreams?

2:58

Yeah, the weird sorts of things. I think, imagine

3:00

if I lost a leg, how weird

3:03

it would be then for the

3:05

last leg. If I lost a leg. It would be

3:08

like this whole new chapter of the show

3:10

in which I'm enjoying the world of disability.

3:14

And then I'd be like, is that

3:17

God's punishment for being on the

3:19

show? Yeah, well you've taken the faith of

3:21

someone that should have had a disability. Yeah,

3:24

have I been given this disability? In

3:28

a world of diversity and inclusivity, have

3:31

you not thought that it's a bit

3:33

too no leg heavy on

3:35

your show? Yeah, exactly. There

3:38

are other disabilities Josh. Yeah, there are other

3:40

disabilities. They're not all physical. Okay, and they're

3:42

not all the leg. Fucking

3:45

look it over my shoulder at Josh, Pugh and Rosie

3:47

Jones. I'll tell you that for free. Anyway,

3:50

how are you Josh? All right?

3:54

Yeah, I am good. I'm very good. Thank

3:56

you for asking. How are you? Yeah, I've

3:59

not seen that. Think of

4:01

rise Id rather the I was brought

4:03

a drink or about a bow. Both

4:07

so you very much for all gigs.

4:09

Ninety nine for hours a day. What

4:11

we could talk about quickly. Exotic got

4:13

a little bit before that we both

4:15

just come off the back of do

4:17

Enough favorite show and any like a

4:19

blank blank on a blank blank of

4:21

a blank by going going to make

4:24

like I say the only show you

4:26

do less on of a contest and

4:28

is slippery squares Ah. Yeah,

4:30

I don't have any. Time ago.

4:34

I don't. If you have got

4:36

he supports the foot forward. Get

4:38

on Gotham. Stuck in with my

4:40

white are it's no no porous

4:42

yogurt and granola? Yeah. So

4:45

we have little break and you've gone down

4:47

says to couple up some yogurt doesn't have

4:49

an alpha terrible given given says that he's

4:51

i might. Cut

4:54

it down here as and I know some gum. what I

4:56

call you out of a mid gobble. Of

5:00

hours you're buying. Debugging spirit. Just did

5:02

I bond with Edwards? Cavalese

5:07

Today. That. Would I you

5:09

own one say either. On to seats for

5:11

they were one celebrity though one celebrity been

5:13

to say i'm obscene on him that the

5:15

i didn't mean physically ones the A mates

5:18

with i'm one of the untested position would

5:20

you took the dead wood about? We didn't

5:22

have a huge amount in common know. I

5:25

I listened in to them to having a chat

5:27

about know you also. Oh. Did.

5:30

I bond with Michelle Collins a case in

5:32

the Bail yes I fucking dead loves and

5:34

be Bail You. You've. Called they have

5:37

a crush on Sunday do have an hour and

5:39

nine. An issue has now up and them and

5:41

I'm sure you've been seen before. We the teenager

5:43

what's he said no I'm I'm and since it

5:45

and I've I've seen I see sure. Because

5:47

my ios as Matthew Crosby whose

5:49

rights from lengthy blank my always

5:51

there. And. He seemed to imply

5:54

that is quite. Taken by Cindy, Bill

5:56

back and I gone with no back in

5:58

the die and me in every. The reliable

6:00

source too much her body back in the die

6:02

but Nasa's of mellowed. For.

6:04

She's very nice. Michelle Hollins. You

6:07

just as him yoga of it's a

6:09

free I agree. I did. Yeah, I

6:11

mean as nervous as Crosby's got fucking

6:13

take. It was a

6:15

comes off of our really easy voted

6:18

for fans have no idea. I got

6:20

on very well with us. He was

6:22

a Lofts. And

6:24

to d Love! I love to do

6:26

love seat guys and he loves golf

6:28

The funniest eyes in comedy. When

6:32

she does aside look they just lays

6:34

make it is. It

6:38

is already had his spices. Just

6:41

watched Judy Loves eyes thread about

6:43

this. So far nate. Silver's.

6:46

You go back or do they are.

6:48

Love Judy Love Zoos Gripes about yes

6:50

a dude you have this isn't funny.

6:53

Same as the My Brave names of

6:55

it as Slings Who oversaw Get Home

6:57

with estimate. The actress comedian Carter Radical

6:59

was lovely and two pitches a muscle

7:02

when the cycle on fire. The.

7:04

Central Fire the sec Arcing Bay's

7:06

bonsai to steam still smoke or

7:08

my keep it can be claimed.

7:12

Will Lot Bradley Ah. So

7:17

us so to help on the caught

7:19

on fire is so I just smoked.

7:21

fear of knowledge said com five with

7:23

Iraq I live in the guys live.

7:26

On air in the die the guy who's

7:28

working on it or the other day of

7:30

the buttons are working for an hour so

7:32

the first was delighted that in the second

7:34

one the buttons wrong on will cool smoking

7:36

right been on foreign I was like all

7:38

the buttons com far as know com fire

7:40

My almighty god what a terrible die. For

7:44

realized could do is evolving for

7:46

the same jailbird, have a set

7:48

age of work and then catches

7:51

on fire and all Smoke and.

7:54

That is that will be one person's job.

7:56

The bottom. Yeah, poor bloke. Of

7:59

that the of it and tough guy The office. how was yours?

8:02

Get a good I I a double

8:04

recalled example who to get so either

8:06

at a at the is a bit

8:08

was call people to remember here and

8:10

I mean just give me the way

8:12

this once of of and Jacques de

8:14

Jos 's was killed and banjo super

8:16

lot. More. Paul are like and

8:19

stuff but Galvin Pollard's may a lot

8:21

Civil rights are just before we have

8:23

a lever. A pointless against Paul out.

8:25

I'm watching them try to explain the

8:27

rose to say Paul automates Maddock was

8:29

one of the longest a forty five

8:31

minutes my last. Also Polaroids is it.

8:33

and it. Has season is

8:35

pointless. Sonics finding simply doesn't that kind of

8:38

a pretense. Nazi adjustment for the as was

8:40

super lot got kids. M about some

8:42

was f least and see got kids don't know.

8:45

Our. Can tell us of by loads

8:47

of as a great found out my mom or

8:49

dad came down and i their own store. interesting

8:51

with. Oh. No.

8:53

Sit with you. I'm from Undertow. The screen

8:56

at the most parents in South Korea. Where.

8:58

The not live with the Scotia is just

9:00

towards May. Be locked up to on.

9:03

Yeah. So looper mean that will clean them

9:05

but they still have the answers. You put me the

9:07

washing machine. I. Am when

9:10

I am at seven thirty the next morning they

9:12

still Android. Of out on

9:14

that to school die and on the schooled

9:16

I phone I had swear trainers and nine

9:18

am. Lose our

9:20

just put them on to my six year

9:23

old and the inside of his she was

9:25

crying guy without without what a horrible they're

9:27

always out who's us and you know when

9:29

you this one account is the train us

9:31

over China's for P H They're going in

9:33

a payout for Yale Peter So I train

9:35

and I'm super good Got no no no

9:37

no no I'm where I just took a

9:39

train is on. And just go

9:41

with it or i immediately realized and in

9:43

a pickup try that the inside of the

9:45

trying to just soaking wet enter the actually

9:47

has a little in so. Has. Completely

9:50

come out. And. Modiin

9:52

shrunk and twisted and turned out.

9:55

And what happened was just been in the bush missing.

9:58

or the train as a gun in the most of the try it the

10:00

trainers had gone in the water, and our poor

10:02

daughter was walking around soaking

10:05

wet feet. Oh no, and

10:07

you were scrumpled up. Eventually we realised and

10:09

put her in her sketches or whatever, and then she was

10:11

getting upset because she was going to get told off and

10:13

not wear the white ones. So then we had to look

10:15

at her emailing and then walk her in and stuff like

10:17

that. Oh my God. But

10:19

we felt guilt because there was a point where

10:21

we were saying, you're being naughty now but the

10:24

poor thing, and then you went feet

10:26

and scrumpled up inside. Oh God, that's terrible.

10:28

That's going to come back in years to

10:30

come. Scrumpled soul.

10:33

Scrumpled soul. It wasn't because of all of my shoes

10:35

you crushed. Right, this week Josh,

10:38

we've got Dan Nightingale on the pod,

10:40

great guy, great comedian, and father. And

10:43

he's changed the podcast game,

10:45

Rob. It's a cult hero in

10:47

the podcast world. Yeah, lovely bloke,

10:49

really funny, you'll enjoy it. You

10:52

know when you just go, it's a good one.

10:55

Here it is. And it is, it's a good one. Enjoy

10:57

it. Welcome

10:59

to the podcast, Dan Nightingale. Thanks

11:02

for doing this, Dan. Hey, no worries. Thanks very

11:04

much for having me, boys. Fitting

11:06

us into your podcast schedule. Yeah,

11:10

what I need is another podcast,

11:12

that's what I need. It feels

11:14

like I've got a job. I've

11:16

accidentally, through being a comedian for 20 odd

11:18

years where you don't really want a job, invented

11:22

another job for myself. Yeah. We

11:24

all knew each other from the circuit years

11:27

ago when we first started and we met

11:29

on the circuit and then in

11:31

lockdown, did you have a word podcast with

11:33

Adam Rowe that's absolutely taking off on

11:35

the biggest success stories on Patreon, you're setting

11:38

out arenas, doing a live version of

11:40

it and stuff. It's gone mad, it's so

11:42

happy for you, it's amazing. Amazing show, you

11:44

absolutely smashed it as well. Especially, you

11:46

know, all setting up yourself. So you do

11:48

that and you're gigging, you've got your

11:50

live shows, you've got your specials all online

11:53

and more importantly for this show, Dad. Yes.

11:56

How old are your kids, Dad? Oh,

11:59

did we do the set up? Can I just

12:01

say, of all the things I've achieved in my

12:03

career, and most of them have happened recently, my

12:08

wife Laura is

12:10

the most hyped for me to be

12:12

on your podcast. Oh, wow. We

12:15

sold out an arena with our podcast and she

12:17

was like, wow, that was great. And I was

12:19

like, I'm doing parents in hell. She was like,

12:21

right. She

12:24

has threatened me. She was like, right, say this,

12:26

this will be interesting. Don't say that. And at

12:28

the end of it, she gave it on WhatsApp.

12:30

I've got this OCD list of things,

12:32

do's and don'ts. And then right at the

12:34

end, she was like, don't slag anyone from

12:36

school or nursery off. Can

12:40

you give us the list of don'ts, please? No,

12:43

she was just. Yeah,

12:47

it was it was mainly that it's because I can

12:49

get a little loose lit. You know, when you're a

12:51

dad and you podcast, I podcast with a load of

12:53

30 year old lads who are

12:56

living their lives. They're having a great time.

12:58

And they are a couple of years away

13:00

from from being where we are

13:02

now. And that's fine. I'm looking forward to that

13:04

part of their life where I've got all the

13:07

kids and I've got free time and I sleep

13:09

properly and they don't. Yes. But

13:12

it's yeah, it's very noticeable that like,

13:14

I have to turn up with stories

13:16

about parenting in my life. Otherwise,

13:18

it seems like I've done nothing.

13:21

Yeah. Yeah. It's

13:23

if I don't talk about family life, if

13:25

I don't talk about my kids, if

13:27

I don't talk about this, then it's not

13:29

like I'm doing tons of stuff as well. And

13:31

you like, Rob, you were like, oh, and you're

13:33

doing loads of live shows. I'm doing one a

13:35

week like I have. The

13:39

circuit days are doing like eight gigs a

13:42

week are long gone, mate.

13:44

I am winding it down.

13:46

So I do tend to

13:48

talk a lot about school,

13:51

nursery and like, I've even if I get

13:53

carried away, I start talking about our sex

13:56

life and I obviously I'm not an idiot.

13:58

I know how to not get. like

14:00

thrown out of my own house. You said don't

14:02

talk about your sex life of Laura on the

14:04

WhatsApp list of things not to talk about. I

14:06

think she just took that as a sort of

14:09

a given and there I am smashing right into

14:11

it. Did you combine, did your having children overlap

14:13

with when you were doing 8 gigs a week

14:15

and you were... So how old are they then?

14:17

Sorry, just to get a bit of a... Oh

14:19

sorry, my wife Laura

14:21

and we've got a 7 year

14:23

old Etta. She has

14:26

just turned 7 and she

14:28

is amazing. She is very

14:31

loud. She is me. She is

14:33

me. I have made a little mini girl me.

14:38

She is great and then we have got Jack

14:40

who is our 3 year old. He is just

14:42

about turned 3. So

14:44

we are coming out of the woods.

14:48

Yeah, you are 3, 4 that you can

14:50

really start to throw your

14:52

eyes at him and stretch your

14:54

legs. I think for

14:56

any parent who feels

14:58

like they are in the tiredness,

15:00

in the trenches,

15:04

then I think the 3rd birthday is something

15:06

to just... It

15:08

gets incrementally easier, doesn't it, until then. Then

15:12

all of a sudden you have a little dude

15:14

who you can talk to and reason with and

15:16

bribe. Doesn't it

15:18

make a big difference? You have

15:20

just not got this emotional terrorist

15:23

ruining all trips out and

15:26

needing to nap and pooing his pants. It

15:28

is on the turn now where it just

15:31

feels like you have got a little mate

15:33

hanging out. Etta feels

15:36

like a member of parliament compared.

15:38

She is so

15:41

much more lady

15:44

like compared. We are definitely

15:46

out of the trenches. So

16:00

whether it's Cousin Kevin's Kazoo concert in

16:03

Kansas City, Go Kevin! More cookies, spatula

16:05

red fashion, commuter! You never have to

16:07

miss a trip ever again. So download

16:09

the Priceline app today. Your savings are

16:11

waiting. Go to your

16:13

happy place for a happy

16:16

price. Go to

16:18

your happy price, Priceline. What's

16:22

amazing, because the thing I love

16:25

about Podcast, and you guys

16:27

are like the absolute pinnacle of this, is the

16:30

DIY aspect and the way you can transform

16:32

your own life through, in the way it

16:34

just didn't exist before, podcasts and social media

16:36

and stuff. And it's just amazing that you

16:38

can find your fans and stuff like that.

16:41

But your life has changed so

16:44

much in the last four or five years. And

16:46

so there was a point when you were gigging

16:49

on the circuit eight nights a week and you

16:51

had certainly one small kid, maybe

16:53

two small kids. That must have

16:55

been fucking tough, right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's the

16:57

thing with the circuit, isn't it? You

16:59

can, there's a lot of brilliant comics out there.

17:02

I remember meeting you guys when you were, I think

17:04

Josh, you stayed at my flat in Manchester. Yeah, I

17:06

was thinking that. And I was wondering this this morning,

17:10

where was I planning on staying? Because that was

17:12

the first night I met you. Yeah.

17:14

That's the road, isn't it? That's

17:16

the convenience road, you're like, listen,

17:18

you see sound. You

17:21

didn't seem like a threat to me or

17:23

my housemate's lives. And

17:25

that's the code, isn't it? When you start having

17:27

stand up, because you started, I

17:30

bet both of you started in around like 2021, is that right? No,

17:33

I was 24. Oh,

17:36

okay. Oh, in age,

17:38

I thought he started, I thought he started 20, I thought

17:40

like 2001, I was like, fuck it,

17:42

hell no. I was 23 when I started. Right,

17:46

so I was 21. And I remember being so

17:48

dead keen. And I just wanted to talk to

17:51

older comics. And I want to

17:53

tell friends. And I also love the guys

17:55

who just sort of, They

17:57

got that it was a bit of a fraternity where...

18:00

You. Didn't have any money you would desperate

18:02

for stage time. you were just into it and

18:04

any one that just seemed keen. And

18:06

sounds awfully into anything again,

18:09

couldn't Yeah, Yeah. Totally so

18:11

I remember. you're at the Frog I'm book

18:13

and I was hose have a new just

18:15

wandered up north. And well I can't

18:17

I'm sure you could. You know it's the friendly

18:19

know who the slump in a post nasty and

18:22

ah families you must. But at the said before

18:24

lot the pocus really took off. He must be

18:26

do loss for five gigs a week. Drive the

18:28

and run the country never our home now your

18:31

home so much more with the kids he imo

18:33

you must be amazing it is yet so that

18:35

does was gonna say let you guys kicks on

18:37

and and disappeared from out the circuit without. Like

18:40

you just got you got agency Gop soon

18:42

as you made that yourself. Like a lot

18:44

of comics, get stuck on the circuit and

18:46

like podcast it's been amazing because I now

18:48

get to sell some tickets to people who

18:50

kind of like me and. Maybe. Non

18:53

the scalpel like. It's a maze

18:55

and and what I found is that I just don't

18:57

want to gig. As much as I

18:59

was gig and ah yes yeah a you

19:01

eat the optimum amount of gigs we'd be

19:03

optimal. Ahmed I'm how much do you want

19:05

to work in a week Like I got

19:07

mates? You've got brilliant jobs who ago who

19:09

work in like fifty hour weeks? It's not

19:11

the ideal is it They they knocked the

19:13

rude and good money will ever so Yet

19:15

there was a point when I was born

19:17

in twenty seventeen. Were.

19:20

Yeah. It was probably like five six, seven

19:22

gigs a weekend and and if everyone's like

19:24

confused as not every night may be due

19:26

to gigs on a Friday. Two gigs. Alyssa

19:28

A, you know we're way for them away

19:30

ahead every week and yeah yeah and the

19:32

commentary. And I remember saying to

19:34

laura. This. Is like Twenty nine Say that.

19:36

Had an idea for the podcast. I was like on

19:38

a film. Still fun. I want to do clips and.

19:41

We. Were trying to get out of some

19:44

death and save for a of are safer

19:46

a house because we haven't got mortgage. And

19:48

I was like i'm i'm gonna need

19:50

to spend about three grand of our

19:52

savings are men is why Laura is

19:55

amazing and I'm not Was infinite pussies

19:57

list and and this is twenty nineteen.

19:59

Yeah. So in that five years from

20:02

going from being in debt and using

20:04

three grandier savings to get your podcast

20:06

equipment, you went to... We're

20:08

in left debt! Hey! You

20:10

went for a full, you know, selling out arenas and

20:12

a full-time job in a podcast and it's, you know...

20:15

Rob, Rob, Rob, you feel like you're the host of

20:17

the Stephen Bartlett podcast at the moment. So

20:20

what drove you into that? Why is that? Great

20:23

question, Rob. It was absolute

20:25

desperation. Have some

20:27

fuel and tell me what the saddest moment of

20:30

your life is. Get your zully patch on and chill out. God,

20:35

yeah. So when you're up, because you recorded a

20:37

lot, you put out a lot of content and

20:39

stuff and you talk about your family life because

20:41

that's all you do. You've got young kids, whereas

20:43

the others are out drinking and partying and following

20:46

Liverpool around the world and games and stuff. What

20:48

are you... Have you ever said

20:50

too much and there's been problems at the school

20:52

gate? Because I'll occasionally get pulled and someone says,

20:54

oh, is that the... And I thought, you know,

20:57

is that that thing or that? And you know, oh God, did

20:59

you forget people listened, didn't you? Yeah,

21:01

yeah, yeah, you do. I do.

21:03

Laura does not forget the people

21:05

of it. Well, we've got Patreons.

21:07

We've got some of the dads

21:09

at school are Patreons. Yeah, so

21:12

she's saying good morning to people

21:14

and I've been like, guess what happened this week?

21:17

No. No, yeah, you

21:20

do. It is a little, I don't

21:22

know, it's fine though. There's no

21:24

malice in it. Like we had

21:26

the nursery at a sports day

21:29

and it was objectively one of the

21:31

most ridiculous things I've ever been a

21:34

part of. This is a

21:36

like two, three month old babies right

21:38

up until like four year olds doing

21:40

a sports day. And they did every

21:43

room in the nursery had their

21:46

like races, like a 40 yard

21:48

dash. And

21:51

we got the baby room out and then

21:53

there's a crowd like a league two football

21:55

match. There's

21:57

about there's about 1500 people watching.

22:00

I've never seen anything more ridiculous, so I went

22:02

almost like the off. They've

22:06

got back He got bugs to to

22:08

laura. Yeah. Stay as a one

22:10

of the goes away. She loved this I

22:12

mentioned against Stacey one of the goes at

22:14

work says of is quite competitive and when

22:16

it comes like this are you alright She

22:18

was like cool we're going to wince so

22:20

they were all holding hands and the kids

22:23

that were with Stacey who I'm not messing

22:25

with cause she's frightened and see side run

22:27

in and they in nearly as us about

22:29

say they were so close to get in

22:31

a dislocated sucks shoulda Rossi put it in.

22:34

Like. Turbo Boost mode on day one.

22:36

Every race whoever was with Stacey was

22:38

getting gold. I don't see Presley just

22:40

dragging them along. The ground is phenomenal

22:42

to see running the show that the

22:44

hopes the school says not. Oh detectors

22:46

and run. Not of I suppose

22:48

they don't know which white state doesn't do a

22:51

fucking schools die then. Or

22:53

when I swear I've been ah,

22:55

thank you on and off because

22:58

he was fucking ridiculous. Far as

23:00

I. Walk to

23:02

my. Picks

23:05

and twenty Forty eight. It's certainly

23:07

absurd. It was phenomenal, say week

23:09

or so ridiculous. I saw it

23:11

up in the best time Men,

23:13

that was it. The mom and

23:15

dad's race. obviously the dogs, but

23:17

he. Developed How denounces Stacey.

23:21

House or performance enhancing substances Stance

23:24

it I was. she acts upon

23:26

space. Now I didn't I didn't

23:28

get involved as acclaimed like a

23:30

hobby or someone. says. the nursery

23:32

people at the mercy say you've been saigon

23:34

off on their free schools by now they

23:36

have a sound them or dumb the thing

23:38

is laurie like as submission has been so

23:40

suggs i so she catastrophes is and see

23:42

goes right as you say that then sue

23:44

these are will end up with was probably

23:46

be like punish nine that from the lump

23:48

so low i feel like your the saw

23:50

a megaphone mouthpiece of the cutlass so if

23:52

you're in a restaurant and you need to

23:54

complain about i will beat will it be

23:56

your laura Yeah,

24:01

you'd think it would be me,

24:03

but actually Laura gets really anxious

24:05

with friends in a social situation.

24:08

Okay. But she can

24:10

fume about injustices in

24:12

terms of customer service and whatnot. Oh,

24:15

okay. Just as a weird little contradiction.

24:17

Why? Are you the one that complains

24:19

and she just... Yeah, like Lou gets very... What

24:22

Lou tells me off of being loud all

24:24

the time. She knows what she's signed up to.

24:26

Exactly, but then like... So for example, the parents...

24:28

I would marry Rob Beckett and go, could

24:31

you keep it down? I know, I've

24:33

been vaping, I have gotten quieter, but it's

24:35

still quite loud. She's a bit more reserved.

24:38

But like for example, at parents' evening, we had our

24:40

parents' evening chat, but there was a

24:42

drop-in table with like the sports PE teacher. We wanted

24:44

to check something about the clubs my kid was in.

24:48

And she was chatting to the head teacher,

24:50

but at parents' evening, she's like, well, obviously

24:52

if we go, can we have a word, the head

24:54

teacher would get up because the head teacher's just

24:56

chatting because no one's sitting with her. So

24:58

I was like, go on and it was like, no, you go and say something.

25:01

So I have to be the one in that situation.

25:03

I'm not going to... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, excuse me.

25:05

Sorry to interrupt, but when you get a moment, we'd

25:08

love to have a chat with the sports teacher. But Lou

25:10

doesn't like doing that. And that's on me to do. I

25:14

can be pretty passive with that stuff. Like

25:16

I'm definitely guilty that I'm involved.

25:18

I'm a really fun dad, but

25:21

I let Laura be

25:23

the grown up around the school stuff.

25:26

She sent me to parents'

25:29

evening. I was like, what?

25:31

On your own. She was like, you're going to do

25:34

this one. And we did one

25:36

together and she's done like two now, because it

25:38

usually falls on a day when I'm in the

25:40

studio. She was like, right, you need to book

25:42

that off and go. And I

25:44

went, like I just get told.

25:46

Like I honestly feel like we've

25:49

both got our roles and that's important in parenting,

25:51

isn't it? I'm definitely

25:53

like the CEO where I'm like, is

25:56

she not working and being more in charge The

26:00

Ledger Roberts. Says

26:05

arena tickets are sold was headed out to

26:07

the shreds of ha side of the maybe

26:09

she's not shouldn't worry bro anyone else yeah

26:11

yeah yeah I didn't So is Isolde like

26:13

sees more the depot parent as it was

26:15

because you you are working yoyo you will

26:18

you be Sit down and shut to com

26:20

a lot for few hours in a we

26:22

were having the outskirts of was on and

26:24

we need a soil needs that we had

26:26

hates us keep telling people at work the

26:28

latter half. An

26:31

hour in I struggle with parents a then.

26:34

Ultimately when they say oh are they really care

26:36

and on have another lawsuit predisposed to care size

26:38

I want to sad I would he care boss

26:40

What do I care that they're happy and a

26:43

mix tape or not reveal their if they go

26:45

like oh they're not that good that mark I

26:47

would the Us except us that what they're very

26:49

good that and there's something they are yeah but

26:51

then sometimes could on all hello the was robbed.

26:54

I and six so the eight year old

26:56

is home to be more like advance office

26:58

is can support. Now I think I don't

27:00

care. I do care boss. I don't care

27:02

because. On the over academic and I

27:05

found it really stressful because anything you're projecting

27:07

your own insecurities of shouted on to the

27:09

parent yes and I think I'm gay Mazda

27:11

six years says back the thing wife whom

27:13

was I felt like I couldn't do any

27:15

work so my brain when will fuck that

27:17

I'll be or I also sung else out

27:19

which have done. By hand and

27:21

easy. Wrote because sixty one of a podcast

27:24

have invented oh yeah by see that's way

27:26

to put conservative but they'll go through what

27:28

will you need to teacher at times tables

27:30

and alma. I. Have a long enough to

27:32

learn them for us. So

27:34

I know that. There

27:37

is. I've gotta learn that now cause

27:40

I never did. And then I've used

27:42

to calculate and. And

27:45

in the way they do some the teacher the

27:47

parents a been withdrawn explains a lot gets a

27:49

d more that moment when i did i work

27:51

so we spent a lot the parents in a

27:53

in her telling me out to do multiplication. Such

27:57

as soon as a good insist on site. Ah,

27:59

I don't. I think I'll ever be able to divide. I

28:02

just think it's too much. Too much of a

28:04

people pleaser. It's not 1842 anymore

28:06

is it? We're

28:08

fine. I said to our hand-writings a

28:11

bit, not as neat, and I went, well do they still

28:13

do exams handwritten? And

28:16

they went, yeah, I went, why? I

28:18

think they're mental. That's

28:21

a bit... Do

28:23

you think they should text the exams? Type

28:26

it out. Can

28:29

you say Siri? Yes, you

28:31

can. Well, you'll be fine. You passed it. Can

28:33

you shout Alexa? Yeah. How

28:36

are you getting on with that kind of stuff then, Dan? How

28:38

is your parents evening? Listen,

28:40

they're doing well. What you want to hear

28:43

is they're confident and they've

28:45

got friends and they're bright.

28:48

And I think if you've got a combination of that, and you

28:50

know what, if you've got a kid and you're like, well,

28:52

that's not what I'll say. It's fine. You're

28:56

so young. It's year two. There's

28:58

just some basics you want to hear. Do they, you know... That's

29:02

what I want to hear. I want... Maybe

29:06

next to that page, you go into school and

29:08

then you sit down and go, you're just a

29:11

f***ing... I'm afraid, so you've got a workshop here.

29:13

That's why in a group of

29:15

30, there will be a sociopath. Unfortunately, it's yours.

29:18

So we're going to work out how to change

29:20

that. No one will point any fingers, but

29:22

your child can be left alone with the class

29:24

pet. All of us... ...future

29:27

murderer. There

29:31

are things that I get told to do. I got told to

29:33

take Etta to her swimming lesson. Laura's

29:36

been doing that and not particularly enjoying it.

29:39

It's a little bit full on. But

29:41

I did it once and I promise you

29:43

this, I will never, ever

29:46

do it again. She is now too

29:48

old to go in a male changing room.

29:52

I can't believe that I didn't see it coming. I've

29:54

been going to the gym this year a bit more.

29:56

I'm trying to just try to kick on with a

29:58

bit of a healthier style. start to the year because

30:00

I was on tour last year and I

30:03

was feeling like a like a mobile pudding

30:05

by the end of it. So this

30:08

year I've been trying to be a bit

30:10

healthy. I'm doing the total fitness around the

30:12

corner from us. Yeah. And it's been fine.

30:14

It's a very Wang

30:16

heavy. Yeah. And

30:19

is that the same place where the swimming

30:21

pool is? That's where this. Yeah. Because I

30:23

go off peak midweek in it with all

30:26

the like pensioners. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

30:28

I'm not going in peak times

30:30

where everyone's like deadlifting 200 kilograms.

30:32

I'm, I'm there just swimming with

30:34

octogenarians. Yeah. And I quite liked

30:37

that. So I should have seen

30:39

it coming. And Laura's like, can you take her? And

30:41

I should have thought I could just get there. Forgetting

30:44

she was seven. I thought she'd just go in the change

30:46

room, come out and then I'd sit next to the pool.

30:48

And we've got there and I was like, Oh no, you're

30:50

too young to go in a change room

30:52

on your own. And so

30:56

it says on the side, you know, there's like a

30:58

door and it says after the age of eight, you

31:00

have to be an agenda appropriate dressing

31:02

room. Right? Yeah. So I was like, right.

31:05

Well, this is fine, but it's not because

31:07

she's quite a mature seven. She's not, she

31:09

walked in. She was like, daddy, there

31:11

are boys everywhere. And I was like, I know,

31:14

I know there are also, also

31:16

Laura's had this thing and this has

31:18

been a long run a joke with

31:20

us. She doesn't like euphemisms for, for

31:22

genitalia. She's Laura's just not into it.

31:24

She won't do mini or tuppence or

31:26

any of that from a

31:28

very early age. Etta has been

31:30

referring to a vagina as a

31:33

vagina and penises as penises. So

31:35

we walk in with this loaded, she's

31:37

so loud. She's just a seven year

31:40

old grenade. And she's like, penises.

31:42

And it was, it was just a sea

31:44

of willies. It was, it was, it

31:47

was total opposite as a dad of a daughter.

31:49

I took her to a place

31:51

where it's the opposite of what you're trying to

31:54

achieve as a dad. You're just like, she

31:56

looked at me horrified. I looked down at her

31:58

horrified. like they're doing it on

32:01

purpose it was just a sea of wangs and

32:03

she's only a very hard dude. No

32:05

they don't do anything! No it's me

32:07

it's so weird! It's all the old

32:09

dudes as well it's never the young

32:11

dudes it's the old dudes once you've

32:13

paid your pension off you paid your

32:15

mortgage off just get your knob out.

32:17

Oh the horrible craggy little dicks. They're

32:20

like brilliant. They're like you know

32:22

like the little cubicle. And

32:27

she was hiding under an oody and

32:30

she was like daddy we shouldn't be in

32:32

here. I was like it's fine it's allowed

32:35

it's gender appropriate like she cares

32:38

and she was like call me

32:40

Rory. Call me

32:43

Rory! So we're in there

32:45

like you know like the family the doors closed

32:47

now. She was like I was like what do you

32:49

mean? She was like if anyone hears

32:51

us they'll think I'm a boy

32:53

and it'll be fine. I was

32:55

like okay Rory I was like

32:58

you need to take your knickers

33:00

off and get changed. She was

33:02

like underpants! Never again we're

33:04

not doing that again. If

33:07

I was in a dress changing room and a

33:09

seven-year-old girl came in I'd adapt

33:11

my behaviour I think. They don't though do

33:13

they? The old boys don't. Mid

33:16

lunch I'm gonna play along with that you were about that. Oh

33:18

it's horrific I think it should be the same rules as like

33:20

do you remember when you were playing 40 in

33:22

the street and a car came? Yeah yeah

33:24

yeah. And just everyone shouted car and just

33:26

moved to the side. I

33:30

think it should be as soon as you

33:32

see a child regardless

33:34

of gender you just out child

33:37

and all the old men just

33:39

turn. Just turn. Get your dick facing a

33:42

locker and shut up. Where are you with

33:45

if it's all grown-up men are you happy

33:47

just to go knob out like how much

33:50

do you care about this is

33:52

not with non-child. Oh just

33:55

in there? Yeah I've

33:57

not got much, you know? The

34:00

either a shower, nora grow a really so at. This

34:04

point, it's it's not great.

34:08

But I have to admit as to two

34:10

or three months of going, you do stop

34:12

giving a shit. Yeah you so guy

34:14

who cares? Like who cares? I like

34:16

that is because I rode. I don't

34:18

care. But. I've I think

34:21

I'm teaching tools that like I'm forty

34:23

three now and I'm star and to

34:25

go How? who? who's who's bothered? Like.

34:28

I'm not. Your child is cried and

34:30

co op Zola? Really? But

34:33

I can't start outside like if a seven

34:35

year old child comes in. I go south.

34:37

Lawn basket on the athletics as you look.

34:39

Even worse is a myth. And

34:43

since and glad to say that when

34:45

any children will can we will shouts

34:47

how to fly some. Other

34:51

side so fitness need you to B

34:53

C R Beach Technology know mechanic and

34:55

I don't know why that's five hundred

34:57

motes your dorm mates of what you

34:59

do from descends time we do for

35:02

living. Yes, Yes,

35:04

Yes, Yes, she knows that he

35:06

does comedy. And she's

35:08

been to the podcast studio and had

35:10

a low look and see. Kind of

35:13

gets a yeah it's of it's. I.

35:15

Don't think she fully understands and she knows

35:18

that she can't see a daddy's. Clips.

35:20

Or whatever. On Instagram

35:22

because I say he knows to

35:25

swear he and not just she's

35:27

not quite there yet her neighbor

35:29

has she does about yours. if

35:32

you're a eight year old must be there rob

35:34

like sit juliet more the piedras cook the kids

35:36

at school or bit more excited about than says

35:38

he's stuck daddy does shows us the in here

35:40

and like same as if you went in was

35:42

in office or if he worked at the supermarket

35:44

not that he works at the a t v

35:46

not bothered see got to see time and what

35:48

the the parenting house out the o two so

35:50

bad on to come to my talk shows and

35:52

just works in the sides lot the first ten

35:55

minutes and stuff says you were wondering the some

35:57

it's more the other kids and sub is it

35:59

just so just becomes quite normal. She doesn't

36:01

really care to be honest. I

36:03

mean, you know, little things she finds exciting

36:05

where we was watching Wonka the

36:07

other day and we had big toms in Wonka and

36:10

Davis and they're like, he's scary. Oh, I know he's

36:12

not. He's really nice. But now do you know when

36:14

he's my mate? And they went, no, he's not. So

36:16

I just FaceTimed him. He was like, well, you know,

36:18

they like those little benefits. Yeah,

36:22

that's the thing, isn't it? Like when Alex Brooker

36:24

was in The Master Singer, that was like an

36:26

absolute win for me. Far more

36:28

than what I do. Yeah, you should do The Master

36:31

Singer, Josh. Why not getting into this again? Is

36:34

that what you've been pushing him to? I think it'd be great on it,

36:36

don't you? No, I'd be shit,

36:38

Rob. I'd be total shit. Alex Brooker beat Dionne

36:40

Warwick. Yeah, because we all

36:43

know that Dionne Warwick wanted to go home

36:45

first because then she'd get paid the full

36:47

fee for less work. I said to Alex,

36:49

was it good money? He went, yeah, if

36:51

you were there for one show, not back

36:53

for seven weeks. Oh,

36:55

my God. So what else do your kids into? So

36:57

you do swimming club. Is there anything else you do?

36:59

How do you sort of split out the parents here?

37:01

I know Laura's at home a

37:04

bit more, but is there stuff that you do? Do you

37:06

do the school run? Are you in charge of certain

37:08

clubs? How involved are you

37:10

in what's needed in the bag, packing for school and

37:12

all that kind of stuff? Yeah,

37:14

I just I don't

37:16

want to sound useless by any chance. I

37:18

just let Laura take the lead. You know

37:21

why? Because Laura's got systems in place. Yeah.

37:23

And if I mess with the systems, it's

37:26

it's worse than if I do nothing.

37:29

So I have to annoyed if I'm there

37:31

and I'm not available. Like if she goes,

37:33

can you do this? And I

37:35

go, nah, then then, yeah, she

37:38

gets frustrated. That's annoying. But

37:40

she has regimented systems. She makes

37:42

this whole thing tick really well.

37:45

And if I bowl in and go, do you know

37:47

what? Without really thinking it through, I've decided we're going

37:49

to do it like this. She'd be

37:51

absolutely fuming. So not to sound

37:53

totally passive, but I just let

37:55

Laura go. Could you do this?

37:58

And and then I do. I do

38:00

it like a work or well, we've looked so for gonna

38:02

hold a little get quite stressed that she's got a pack

38:04

and She could she normally packs everything so

38:06

I always go and I didn't mean it went let me

38:08

pack for holiday And she looks at

38:10

me like I'm insane Do

38:14

it and then you don't have to worry I'll pack all the

38:16

stuff We'll get there and then I'll unpack it and then you've

38:18

not packed it because you I definitely should let me have that

38:20

responsibility But I do offer

38:23

but what you know, I also don't want to get it wrong Like

38:25

like isn't that if

38:27

we go on holiday our bucket, I'll

38:30

get all the insurance I'll do all

38:32

the travel and whatnot and then Laura

38:34

is gonna do the packing and what

38:36

that's that's delegating Isn't it? Yeah, you

38:38

know when when? When

38:41

we were pregnant with Etta, this is

38:43

one of the beautiful things about I was talking

38:45

about it before about all the stand-ups Sort of

38:47

it was brilliant like when you were young and

38:49

you started out in comedy and you quickly develop

38:51

all these heroes and you're working with guys who

38:53

are Married and they've got all the kids and

38:55

you just it's not just about their

38:58

career But you also sort of you're learning about what

39:00

kind of bloke you want to be and I used

39:02

to ask a lot of questions And I remember Adam

39:04

Bloom Who's a brilliant comedian?

39:07

We went out for a bite to eat. We

39:09

were working away together and he's You

39:12

know, he's a fair bit older than me, but he's got a real

39:15

enthusiasm hasn't he Adam Blum like he's very

39:17

Intense isn't he about comedy? It's a beautiful

39:19

person and I love his energy And he's

39:22

one of those person people that wouldn't mind

39:24

being like giving a sincere bit of advice Mmm,

39:28

and he just he was

39:30

like can I can you do something for me down? Just

39:32

remember when you when you're going into

39:34

this and you become parents with you with your partner

39:37

Just make sure you do stuff Separately

39:41

like don't try and do everything

39:43

together like especially when the baby's

39:45

born Don't think you have to

39:48

both be on every walk Just

39:50

yeah Just tag in and tag out like

39:52

make sure that one person is doing it

39:55

while the other person just rests and feels

39:57

like a human even if it's just

39:59

for an animal hour and a half. And

40:01

then he said, when you're a few

40:03

years in, make sure that you spend

40:06

time together and have conversations

40:08

that aren't just about parenting. Like

40:12

two really good bits of advice that I've

40:14

passed on, because I think initially that feeling

40:16

of when you have a baby for the

40:19

first time, it's such a shock

40:21

to your life, isn't it? Especially

40:23

when your first is born, like

40:25

everything changes in an instant. And

40:29

then the temptation is to try and do

40:31

everything together. But I think that's so, so

40:34

intense. And then when you're older,

40:36

yeah, just that, that thing of,

40:39

are you still a couple or are you

40:41

just like co-workers in a company that raises

40:43

children? Like I try

40:45

and have date nights where we

40:48

talk about other stuff as well. What do you

40:50

talk about on date nights? Asking for a friend.

40:54

Idiot, how old are you on Josh? Sorry, I

40:56

don't, I shouldn't. Six and

40:58

two. So just a year younger than yours. Right.

41:00

So yeah, okay. Yeah, it is still

41:02

full on, isn't it? When the two, I mean, it's always

41:04

full on. It's brilliant, but it's fun. I can feel it's

41:07

less month, even month by month, you're like,

41:09

this is just so much easier than life

41:11

has been for the last six

41:13

years. You

41:16

know what I mean, like, isn't it? When

41:18

you just make little, little lines with chat.

41:20

Yeah. But like, just do things separately. Just

41:23

talk to each other about, Talk

41:26

to each other about, and you're like, well, what

41:28

is not heard? We just like our people from

41:30

school and nursery. Yeah, yeah.

41:32

Um, it does get easier, doesn't

41:34

it? Any

41:36

kid under three, life is really

41:39

tough, I think. Yeah. And I'm not going

41:41

back. So we're, we're... No,

41:46

Laura has had a tubes tied in a bit

41:48

of a two for one when Jack was born.

41:51

Oh, okay. When Jack

41:53

was born, I was the birthing partner for

41:55

Jack. I wasn't Laura's birthing

41:58

partner for Etta. the

42:00

dad. Was

42:03

Adam Bloom? He

42:06

was so involved. So

42:11

when it was a

42:13

two C-sections, two

42:15

emergency C-sections, so two on that

42:18

one, Jack was five

42:20

weeks prem. Yeah,

42:22

so it was all a bit of a shock. It

42:26

happened really quick and I wasn't meant to be the

42:28

birthing partner for Jack either, but Laura got a bit

42:30

scared because he was so premature and asked for me.

42:32

So, so we went, pardon,

42:34

you've got the elbow. So

42:38

what happened there was Laura's older

42:41

sister, Becca, who is the

42:43

best when she was having

42:45

her son, Finn, Laura was

42:47

in there as a birthing partner. And

42:49

when we were pregnant with Ettas seven or

42:51

eight years ago, and

42:55

Laura just knows I'm a bit squeamish with

42:57

stuff. I remember she had a coil put

42:59

in when we first got together and I

43:01

was in the room and I nearly

43:04

hit the deck. Exactly.

43:12

Remember what was happening, but it was like Laura's

43:15

body. It's almost like Laura was had

43:17

an allergic reaction to it and had to have it

43:19

taken out pretty quickly after having it. And it just

43:21

wasn't taken. Oh, it was a bit of

43:23

pain. And so I was in the room with her and

43:26

Laura and the nurse that were doing it were like, are

43:28

you all right? Do you need to leave the room? So

43:30

I think early on Laura's like,

43:32

this man has some, some

43:35

things to offer, but it's not sort

43:37

of like medical assistance. And

43:41

she sort of said, listen, I don't need you

43:43

there. If you're going to be a bit of

43:45

a flap, if you're going to pass out, I

43:48

rather Becca was there because we've done

43:50

this together. Obviously you need to

43:52

be there. And I was like, you know what? If

43:54

you're happy with that, I'll just be

43:57

like tech support in the hospital. Like

43:59

you're. in the, because we didn't even

44:01

know we were got again, we were

44:03

about five, six days premature with ETA.

44:06

Laura was in labor, but

44:08

we didn't realize we actually went for

44:10

a midwife appointment about

44:12

four o'clock, because Laura's like, I'm just

44:15

having these pains and like, oh,

44:17

there's a little bit of fluid. And we went

44:19

in like idiots, we've been to all these like,

44:23

like classes beforehand and getting ready for it

44:25

and hadn't realized that we're in labor. The

44:27

midwife was like, right, so there's fluid and

44:29

you're having these repeat pains. What do you

44:34

think it could be guys? We were like, Oh,

44:37

don't know. So do you

44:39

think you might be in labor? We're like,

44:41

Oh, yeah. So we

44:44

went home, got all our stuff together, went to

44:46

the hospital. And it was a

44:48

really quiet night in the hospital

44:50

that night. And they

44:53

worked out that the ETA was breach, which

44:55

they hadn't realized up until that point. So

44:58

it became like a, is it

45:00

an emergency c-section? Yeah, it is, isn't it?

45:02

So it all went pretty

45:04

quickly. And Becker arrived and

45:07

then the

45:09

surgeon, the sort of doctor was like, right, well,

45:11

we're gonna go in now.

45:14

And in about an hour,

45:16

you'll be a dad. So I

45:18

was like, cool. I was like, babe, do you

45:21

need anything? It was all very calm. Yeah, yeah.

45:23

Babe, you need anything? She was like, no, no,

45:25

I'm absolutely fine. So I could do

45:27

with maybe if we're staying over tonight, I haven't got a

45:29

pillow. I was like, I'll sort it. Don't worry. I'm tech

45:31

support. I was like, there's

45:33

no point trying to buy a pillow.

45:35

I might as well just drive home

45:38

and get a pillow that'll be better.

45:40

So I drove home. I was like, I've really

45:43

made good time. It's just a Tuesday evening. I

45:45

tell you what I'll do. I'll have a quick shower.

45:48

So I'm saying it

45:50

now I'm cringing. I

45:54

was having a shower as my first child was being

45:56

born. I got Laura's stuff and

45:59

pillows and I got something else that had been forgotten

46:01

like slippers or something. And

46:03

I drove past a co-op and I was

46:05

like, she'll want some fresh fruit, a nice

46:07

drink or something. So I did a little

46:09

mini shop. And then

46:11

about 10 minutes from the hospital, I got a phone

46:14

call from my sister-in-law saying, you're a

46:16

dad, where are you? And I was next to

46:18

a golf course about 10 minutes from the hospital.

46:21

So I said all the way back. The

46:23

whole point of that was to get the

46:25

car out of

46:30

the expensive car park and find some free parking. At the end of

46:32

it, it ended up just going back

46:34

into the expensive car park. I

46:37

rushed in pillow, grapes, a Lucasade,

46:40

and then burst into tears

46:42

when I saw Retta. That was an

46:46

instant, like the guilt of

46:48

not being instantly there, the

46:50

annoyance of like, why did you go

46:52

for a shower, you muppet? And

46:55

then just seeing your child, I was like,

46:57

it was too much. And I really went

46:59

as well. Like it wasn't like a little

47:01

bit eyeballed when I saw it. Proving

47:04

the point that you shouldn't have been there. Do you

47:07

know what I mean? Like, if you went

47:09

at that point, you wouldn't have been a good birthing park.

47:11

That was a mess. What

47:16

was it like the second time when you were actually there? Fine.

47:19

You didn't feel it wasn't too much for you. I

47:22

stayed up chatting to Laura. I didn't go down

47:24

the business end, you know, like with people when

47:26

the curtains are up, people are like, I just

47:28

don't know how you resist having a look. I

47:30

was like, I have some

47:33

self-control there because you're not good with it.

47:35

I was just chatting with Laura. Because

47:37

it makes you sad that you weren't there for the first one when

47:39

it was actually not as bad as you thought it was going to

47:42

be in the remote. You could actually deal with

47:44

it. It's such

47:46

a little, I think people put a

47:48

lot of importance on it, don't they? I've

47:52

been there every other moment since.

47:54

I was there 12 to 15

47:57

minutes after she was born and I've

47:59

been there. I paid that move. I

48:01

paid partially twice guys. No,

48:05

I wasn't sad, you know, like we

48:07

were literally going to do it again. I was like, if

48:10

this works and you're happy and I'm not flapping, but as

48:12

soon as you're there, it's,

48:14

I think it's just, you know,

48:16

it's more important than you don't you. You're

48:18

just like, this is obviously huge. Laura needs

48:20

me. So you're just there. And

48:24

as a comedian, like I can't

48:26

believe I didn't see it from this point of view.

48:28

When you're a comic, you just want to do stuff.

48:30

So experience life, because essentially that's what a comedian's job

48:32

is, isn't it? It's to live a life

48:34

and then just report back on it and, and

48:37

just sort of account how weird human

48:40

existence is. And I

48:42

nearly didn't experience labor

48:45

and child, like not that

48:47

you're experiencing it properly, but it was, it

48:49

was phenomenal being there. We

48:51

were, Laura's in labor for

48:54

ages and she was like, I wanted

48:56

to, I want to do this naturally. I'm not even sure

48:58

I want gas and air. And then our

49:00

18 when the diamorphine was

49:02

offered my guard, she was on it.

49:06

And when they did the tubes in that,

49:08

she was there for one, they like, well, just

49:10

not, as I know, that was an agreed thing

49:12

beforehand, right? They weren't like, what? They

49:15

were like, well, she had been said

49:17

before Laura was honestly

49:19

like after party bollocks. At

49:23

one point after she'd had the diamorphine, she

49:25

was like, I'm not even sure I'm in

49:27

love. I'm not in labor anymore. I was

49:29

like, baby, you are still in labor for

49:31

you high as a kite. And

49:33

yeah, I don't know if you should, you're probably not able

49:35

to make those decisions, but

49:37

even, even though she was montage, she was like,

49:39

yeah, we, so while

49:42

they got Jack out

49:45

and did the sort of Lion King moment. And

49:49

yeah, while she was there, she was like, wow, we're here. Do you

49:51

want, do you want your tubes

49:53

tied? Wow. That's

49:56

a real bad review of you, of you as

49:58

a person, Dan. Just like this. guy. Why'd

50:02

he brought grapes

50:04

and Luca tape?

50:07

I'd have your tubes tied rather than go through this again.

50:10

Did he have to stay in hospital Jack? Because

50:12

he was five weeks from a tour. Were you

50:14

in there for a bit? Mate, he was great.

50:16

He was

50:19

brilliant, he was healthy. Oh really?

50:21

Yeah. Wow. Six and a half

50:23

pounds he was fat sound. Blam, he'd have

50:25

been an absolute whopper, wouldn't he? If he stayed in. No, it's

50:28

a big lab. And you said what

50:30

do you think happened there? Did they get the

50:32

timings wrong or is it quicker than others? How

50:35

does it work? I think

50:38

it was all the smoking

50:40

that Laura was doing. No,

50:42

I honestly don't know but

50:46

it wasn't a problem, it wasn't an issue at all. Amazing.

50:48

What else is on the do not say list? Did

50:51

you go on a WhatsApp? No, she didn't. She genuinely

50:54

loves this podcast so

50:59

much more than mine. No

51:02

one likes their partner's work, no one

51:05

likes it. She's not been

51:10

very negative. Etta

51:16

Coe slept until she was six. Jack

51:19

was in his own room at three months old.

51:22

Oh wow.

51:26

We still sleep separately. But

51:28

you and Laura? Yeah, we've never

51:31

got a ... As soon

51:33

as Etta was born, because I

51:35

was coming in from gigs and

51:37

then Etta was in bed with Laura and

51:39

that genuinely went on until about a year,

51:42

a year and a bit ago. What does

51:44

it up now then? So

51:46

I've got my room, Laura's got her room.

51:48

Jack usually falls asleep next to Laura, has

51:51

his milk, goes to sleep and then she

51:53

pretty quickly gets him in his own bed

51:55

and he stays there all night now and

51:58

Etta's got her ... room and do

52:00

you think you've got too used to the joy

52:02

of having your own room? So

52:07

I'm in two minds because it is it's

52:10

it's better in the same... Let's deep dive

52:12

on this. Are

52:14

you all in the same bed? You know what

52:17

I'm not question about whether hanging out with

52:19

young guys without kids on the podcast is

52:21

difficult. That's been put on ice. No

52:23

one gives a fuck about that anymore. We're asking about... You've

52:26

talked about this before about how much nicer it is

52:28

to sleep in your own bed without someone in if

52:30

you just want to properly sleep when you're really tired

52:32

and stuff. And sometimes you go and sleep in the

52:34

spare bed it's actually a little bit it's quite a

52:37

nice little treat. But we've

52:39

never well we've never met

52:41

somebody who's actively doing it and it's come

52:43

from the kids but it's working out now.

52:45

Mate this isn't a spare room. It's

52:48

my room. It's actually... We have two rooms. So

52:50

it's totally all your stuff in the room. I'm

52:52

in it. It's my room. It's got my shit

52:54

in it. I've got a Spiderman duvet cover. I've

52:56

regressed. So where are all

52:59

your clothes? Which wardrobe

53:01

are your clothes in? The

53:12

wardrobe that's in my room. This

53:15

sounds so bad. Listen we're doing great. Have you

53:17

not on screen? No

53:20

I'm not saying not but so when do you... It's

53:23

in a different building. We're living

53:25

separately. We've got another house. No. No

53:28

we're good. Laura is

53:30

the most beautiful person I've

53:32

ever been anywhere near but

53:34

she sleeps like a dying

53:36

walrus. I

53:40

think she's gorgeous. She's so beautiful

53:42

but she's so noisy. What

53:45

a real frightening sound and she's

53:47

hotter than the sun. It's

53:52

her midriff when she's sleeping.

53:55

It's winter, summer. It's

53:57

like a radioactive sort of throbbing.

54:00

And I can't, it's

54:02

like spooning a kiln. I can't

54:04

do it. So

54:06

we've, we pretty

54:08

happily just went, she feels like

54:11

she's waking me up. I'm

54:13

a bit of a needy sleeper. I've got like earplugs

54:15

in. I'm just, I don't know. And

54:18

we've just got in these lanes now. And

54:21

so do you think you'll ever go back?

54:23

But I will say this, you do worry.

54:25

Now that the kids are getting older, oh,

54:27

this isn't as practical. It

54:29

was so necessary before, especially when I was

54:31

in bed with Laura, it just wasn't an

54:34

option. And you

54:36

do start worrying. Yeah,

54:38

does it have an effect on the

54:41

physicality of your relationship? The alibi that

54:43

got you, that allowed you to sleep

54:45

for half six years has now disappeared.

54:47

So now it's become a conscious choice.

54:50

Yeah. And so it's not necessarily a

54:52

good thing, but it doesn't mean like-

54:55

If you're happy and you've got a great relationship

54:57

and you don't go sleeping well, just because it's

54:59

not the sort of the norm of how people

55:01

do it, doesn't mean it's wrong if it's working

55:03

for you. Oh, listen, I'm not bothered

55:05

about norms. I

55:07

don't know if there is a lot of, there's value

55:09

in sleeping next to your partner, I

55:11

think. Oh, I see. I think there's

55:13

something, there's a-

55:15

A closeness. Yes. Just

55:18

before you fall asleep and just as

55:20

you wake up, I think the real

55:22

sort of close connection time with someone.

55:24

Yeah. Just before you nod off and you're

55:26

like stirring in the morning. I'm not talking about sex either.

55:28

I'm talking about- No, I mean either, I'm saying, yeah. Do

55:30

you think there's, you know how she does with your son?

55:32

Do you think maybe you could fall asleep next to her,

55:34

then she can carry you through to the other room? She's

55:37

on the road. Just

55:41

fall asleep sweating from the

55:43

heat. Is it a 50-50 split

55:45

though? You always want, you know, are you a loud

55:47

sleeper as well? Is she quite happy to be away

55:49

from you? You snore and- I sleep on my front

55:51

so I don't snore. Right. I

55:54

think if you're a front sleeper- You just suffocate

55:56

into the pillow. Yeah. Like a weird-

56:00

And who's got the better room? Now,

56:04

well, they're both nice. Mine's slightly bigger, I suppose,

56:06

but that's, but again,

56:08

I didn't ask for that. We've

56:11

done that thing since we bought the house. I

56:13

think I've been in two

56:15

bedrooms. The kids have been in two bedrooms and

56:18

like, we've all sort of swapped and found the

56:20

right rooms. Laura

56:22

just likes the room that she's in. They're

56:24

all quite similar sizes, actually. It is. My

56:27

worry is the physicality. Cause I think

56:30

there's a lot to be said for

56:32

that affection that happens just because

56:34

you're with each other. Like you say, as you go

56:36

to bed, just a little smooch in the cuddle. Um,

56:39

and honestly left to my own

56:42

devices that my bedroom does have

56:44

the internet. And, and now, you

56:46

know what I mean? It's

56:49

just, I do feel like I've gone back to

56:51

being just a little horny 16 year old. He's

56:54

like, night don't come in. So

56:57

what Christmas morning, the kids come in and they're

56:59

excited for Christmas. What room are they going in first? Um,

57:05

Christmas morning, they go to wake mummy

57:07

up and then they come to wake

57:09

me up. So you're missing

57:11

out on the initial, initial

57:13

wait wait. It's a bit like the childbirth

57:15

thing. I miss out on the first 15

57:17

minutes of life, but I've been there ever

57:19

since. I miss out on the first 90

57:22

seconds of Christmas day and then, and then

57:24

we're off. Mate, the, I

57:26

accidentally, as we were setting up for

57:28

Christmas, this is last year,

57:30

actually, um, we've got a log burner

57:32

and I was trying to, uh, tidy up a little

57:35

bit just to make it look like it was, you

57:37

know, we were doing the sort of carrot. Um,

57:39

yeah, totally. And

57:43

I stupidly opened the log burner cause I was just going

57:45

to give it a little bit of a clean and loads

57:47

of sort of, uh, sorts

57:49

and, and, and like Ash

57:51

went on to the. In

57:53

front of the log burner. I was

57:56

like, Oh, I've made a real mess. And then I thought,

57:58

Oh, this is beautiful. I'll just leave it. open a

58:00

bit, I'll push more of the ash out and I

58:02

went and got a welly, a

58:05

welly imprint into the... Oh,

58:08

that's good. That's good. As

58:10

we came down in the morning, I could see, so this

58:13

is last year, so Etta would have been like

58:15

five, six, the

58:18

real magic. You know when you're like, you

58:20

nailed the actual magic? Because it honestly

58:22

looked like Santa had come through the

58:25

log burner and there was a dirty

58:27

boot print. It was brilliant. Good

58:29

work. Yeah, I've seen that one. If you've got a

58:32

proper traditional fire, the footprints is top

58:35

drawer parented. Absolutely.

58:39

Did you want to ask about the

58:41

podcast, Josh? Well, no, I just, I'm

58:43

imagining what it's like because most of

58:45

my friends now have kids because

58:48

I don't tend to talk about parenting to people that

58:50

don't have kids. Do you know what I mean? If

58:52

I've got friends that are younger, you're like... You don't

58:54

get it. Yeah. Do you find...

58:56

Are they interested? Would they ask you about it

58:58

and stuff? Because I think when I would say,

59:00

if my friends had kids, I wouldn't have given

59:03

a flying fuck about silly old fuckers talking about

59:05

his kids again. Why a little fucker? Yeah, there

59:07

might be, yeah, there's maybe a few episodes where

59:09

you can get that vibe. I

59:14

mean, genuinely, it's fine.

59:16

They're interested. I suppose

59:19

I wait for them to... You're right.

59:21

I wait for them to ask unless it's a

59:23

funny anecdote. Because have a word just trying to

59:25

be funny. We're not trying to change the world.

59:27

We're just trying to make people laugh. Unlike us.

59:30

When you are a parent, though, what have you

59:32

been up to this week? Well, they did a

59:34

school run, they're not to go there. You can't

59:36

not talk about it. It's hard to think up

59:38

something else

59:41

that you've done. Of course I didn't

59:43

go to Plymouth Argyle away at Sunderland.

59:45

Of course I didn't do that. It's

59:48

repetitive because it should be because that's

59:50

doing it properly. I remember, you go

59:54

back to your childhood, don't you? My

59:57

house felt like the safest place in the

59:59

world. And like

1:00:01

that was the base that was the center of

1:00:04

the universe Yeah, and I want the kids to

1:00:06

have that as well Like we live in a

1:00:08

village just outside Chester and I'm

1:00:11

not mad keen on the village It's it's

1:00:13

pretty fucking dull to be honest But

1:00:15

it's reassuringly boring like yeah times

1:00:18

after we've got the kids down

1:00:21

Like I've said to Laura just look

1:00:23

at the street. It's so deathly quiet.

1:00:25

The neighbors are friendly and respectful and

1:00:29

For them for the kids this will feel like

1:00:31

the center of their universe and yeah, yeah,

1:00:33

it's repetitive It we do

1:00:35

the same things all the time.

1:00:37

You have to that's part of

1:00:39

it bath time school drop-off swimming

1:00:41

lessons Loads of OAP dicks. It's

1:00:43

it's repetitive That's

1:00:46

what good parenting is isn't it you just gotta

1:00:48

be the constant Yeah, every Thursday we go and

1:00:50

see a few old dicks and you go for

1:00:52

a swim It's

1:00:55

reassuring We don't have to

1:00:57

do the swim we don't have to be We

1:01:04

always finish on this question Tying

1:01:06

when the partner is a listener. Yes, the

1:01:08

stakes are higher when you know that their

1:01:11

partners are listener Laura. Lovely Laura What's

1:01:14

the best thing about Laura where you go? She's an

1:01:16

unbelievable parent and I'm so happy I've got kids of

1:01:18

her But what's the thing she does that when she

1:01:20

does listen to this if you bring it

1:01:22

up and say find that a bit Frustrating I'd rather she

1:01:25

didn't do that. What would you say

1:01:27

that is? I think what that's I get I think

1:01:29

given the positive because Whenever

1:01:32

I'm losing it and I've

1:01:34

not got a massive temper, but I can get my

1:01:36

knickers in a twist I can get very like wound

1:01:38

up, you know when a bit

1:01:40

of pressure a little bit of stress Laura

1:01:43

has got this amazing ability to

1:01:45

go the other way when she

1:01:47

sees me going Like

1:01:50

so this morning I was like I'm doing parenting hell I was like

1:01:52

god I've not done the I haven't used

1:01:54

a webcam on my laptop for ages and

1:01:56

she saw me Just yeah go in

1:01:58

as I'm like hang on that I I haven't checked

1:02:00

the tech for this. And they're gonna

1:02:02

be, and she was like, cool, don't worry, I've got it.

1:02:05

You go, I'll just do the school. Cause I was

1:02:07

meant to be doing the school drop off with her

1:02:09

this morning. She's amazing at notes. So I now do

1:02:11

that to her so we don't have bennies. So there's

1:02:13

the positive because she's listening. I love you, I'm so

1:02:15

scared of you. The

1:02:17

negative, she does this thing. There

1:02:19

isn't loads, but I'd say this.

1:02:22

She does this thing where when

1:02:24

we're running baths, I do bath time a lot,

1:02:26

but when she runs bath, she's

1:02:29

like, oh, it's so annoying.

1:02:32

You know when you're running a bath, you don't

1:02:34

need to be there for the whole running of

1:02:36

the bath, but you have to judge how much

1:02:38

hot and how much cold is going in. You

1:02:40

know, roughly it takes about five,

1:02:42

six, seven minutes. It will be in and

1:02:44

around full. I just,

1:02:46

I go full on the hot tap. I

1:02:48

go maybe a third on the cold. This

1:02:51

is seven years of doing this. You

1:02:54

know that roughly if you come

1:02:56

back seven, eight minutes later, it'll

1:02:58

be in and around where

1:03:01

you need it to be and roughly

1:03:03

the right temperature. If you've got it

1:03:05

wrong, you can slightly adjust. Laura whacks

1:03:07

the hot tap on, just

1:03:09

fucking wanders off and

1:03:12

cooks up a scalding dangerous

1:03:15

120 gallon death trap. It's

1:03:24

unbelievable. It's unbelievable. And

1:03:27

maybe that's a minor thing. I'd

1:03:30

say that is unfair. I'm

1:03:32

not even talking about the kids hurting themselves. It

1:03:34

hurts my hands. You know, when

1:03:36

you do a test, she goes, oh, I've

1:03:38

run the bath. Will you just test

1:03:40

it? You're like, no, I'd

1:03:43

rather lick molten lava. And

1:03:46

so then what happens, then she'll put the

1:03:49

water, she'll do all the hot and then

1:03:51

the cold. Then, thank you, Josh. Thank

1:03:53

you. I haven't finished. I

1:03:55

thought I'd finished. You're absolutely right. There is

1:03:57

then a second layer of irritation. Because

1:04:00

then she'll go, oh shit, that's too hot, isn't

1:04:02

it? I tell you what, I'll turn the hot

1:04:04

off completely and I'll press the, because it's so

1:04:07

hot, I'll put the cold tap on full. And

1:04:10

then because she's a mum, she wanders

1:04:12

off because kids are distracting. And

1:04:14

then another six or seven minutes

1:04:16

later, we have a lukewarm bath

1:04:19

14 times bigger than it needs to be. So

1:04:24

because I know she's listening, I'd very much like

1:04:26

that. It's always a difficult question to ask, but

1:04:28

I think that's one of the best and

1:04:32

most comprehensive answers we've ever got to that question.

1:04:34

It feels like you've been wanting to be asked

1:04:36

that for a long time. How

1:04:39

is that not on the list? Dad,

1:04:42

thanks so much. Have a

1:04:44

word podcast. There's loads of

1:04:47

episodes you can get anywhere. But if you go

1:04:49

on Patreon, you can sign up to become a

1:04:51

Patreon and you've got your social media. Talk to

1:04:53

me about social media. All my socials, because I

1:04:55

knew that it was a real all my eggs

1:04:57

in one basket sort of thing, I changed all

1:05:00

my social handles to at Dan

1:05:02

has a podcast. So

1:05:04

because I do. So

1:05:06

Instagram is the main thing.

1:05:09

I'm trying to get a load more stand up clips

1:05:12

up there, build up. I've done two tours in the

1:05:14

last two years. And by the

1:05:16

time I do another tour, I want to

1:05:18

really build that up. So followers at Dan

1:05:20

has a podcast on TikTok as well and

1:05:22

on Twitter X. But I'm not. I've had

1:05:24

enough of that. And if you're on Facebook,

1:05:27

that's on you. Your podcast is great.

1:05:30

You're absolutely brilliant stand up. Thanks. You

1:05:32

were sort of a bit more established when I started

1:05:34

and it was always a joy to be on the

1:05:37

building stuff. It's great seeing you selling out rooms and

1:05:39

doing your specials. So you gave me the best feedback

1:05:41

after gig ever where you said you

1:05:44

were an open mic, you have a career in this. This

1:05:47

will be your job. And that blew my

1:05:49

mind. You were so

1:05:51

good at stand up and you said that.

1:05:53

That gave me so much self belief. That

1:05:56

was an amazing. It was in a piece of

1:05:58

it, wasn't it? Yeah. digging

1:06:00

Peterborough on a big stage and loads of tables

1:06:02

for the Geezers, wasn't it? It was from Jim

1:06:04

Jefferies. The brilliant Jim Jefferies said

1:06:06

to me when I was about five gigs

1:06:08

in, he was like, you

1:06:10

can have a career in this if you want it. And

1:06:12

I literally wanted

1:06:15

to float out of the room.

1:06:17

Like, and I, yeah,

1:06:19

I don't, you know what, weirdly, I don't know

1:06:22

why it was you that, that

1:06:24

I, I don't think I went around for

1:06:26

the rest of my career going, kid, you're

1:06:28

gonna make it. Well,

1:06:31

I think every act you're on the bill with,

1:06:33

but you got it right with Beckett. Well, I

1:06:35

think that's why it meant a lot because it

1:06:38

felt like you meant it. Where if you say

1:06:40

that to everyone, it starts becoming just something you

1:06:42

say. But yeah, that was really, really kind of

1:06:44

your image. I'm going to just Steve Wright, RIP

1:06:47

the tour dates. Runcorn, Charlton, Liverpool,

1:06:49

Longbridge, Hull, Liverpool again,

1:06:51

Glasgow, Wigan, Chorley,

1:06:54

Runcorn, Cardiff,

1:06:56

Sourbridge, Carlyle, Grapenhall, where the fuck's

1:06:58

Grapenhall? He's out, he don't like

1:07:01

traveling anywhere. Josh, also

1:07:03

Dublin and Southport, Sheffield

1:07:05

as well. But listen, I'm just

1:07:08

doing this year, I'm just doing a Dan Nightingale

1:07:10

and Friends sort of set up. So these are

1:07:12

the dates. So follow us out,

1:07:14

Dan has a podcast, have a look. This is

1:07:16

me basically comparing and hosting and having a bit

1:07:19

of a dick around with my mates this year.

1:07:21

So many places I've not heard of. It

1:07:24

sounds like the Tories trying to get the Red Wall back

1:07:26

going on a tour around there. Mate,

1:07:28

if you read that out again... What's

1:07:30

the point about Grapenhall? Grapenhall, it's near

1:07:33

Warrington. Where's Gigan? Where's Gigan

1:07:35

this year? Essentially looks like

1:07:37

the Super League table. That's... Longbridge,

1:07:40

where's Longbridge? It's the working class people in the

1:07:43

north. I'm doing a Dan Nightingale and Friends gig

1:07:45

there. Anyway,

1:07:48

good luck with it, Dan. I know your Dan

1:07:50

has a pod on social media. Cheers, mate. Thank

1:07:52

you. Cheers, mate. Thanks, guys. Rachel

1:08:00

Paris. This is How Was It For

1:08:02

You, a review-based podcast. We're going to

1:08:04

be asking each other, how was it

1:08:06

for you? It was pretty good, Rachel.

1:08:08

About all sorts of different things. Things

1:08:10

we've eaten. Things we've seen. Places we've

1:08:12

been. Things we've smelled. People we've met

1:08:14

sometimes. Those will be, we'll have to

1:08:16

talk about them without giving away who

1:08:18

they were. And that will be the challenge you

1:08:20

as a listener can enjoy. Exactly. You can

1:08:22

get all of the episodes in the Places

1:08:25

Where podcasts.