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1:56

This is a Ristatif production. Welcome

2:13

to the only podcast that woke up this

2:15

morning to see Drake's penis. It's the only podcast.

2:19

And not woke up to find it. That's

2:22

why I got up this morning. That's the

2:24

reason I woke. I've set an alarm. I

2:28

am your host, Armana Torres. And

2:31

joining me as always is Andrurozus.

2:33

And I'm just now finding out about this

2:35

information. Oh, you didn't know Drake had

2:37

a dick? Nope. Damn, that shit is wild. I

2:39

thought he was smooth like a Kindle. I

2:42

seem not at all Canadian. That's

2:44

true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I don't

2:47

expect them to have genitals. I don't know if that's a

2:49

South Park thing. Well,

2:51

it's just easier when you have

2:53

universal basic health care. Yeah, it's

2:56

shaved down. Yeah. Yeah. By God.

2:59

Canadian God. Yeah. Canadian God.

3:01

Canadian God. Well,

3:05

that was our fucking episode title. We

3:07

got it. I'm sorry. But

3:09

I think you got to go up there on that mountain and kill

3:11

your boy. Oh,

3:17

and on the eighth day, he drank

3:19

bagged milk. You

3:24

knew about bag milk. What was it?

3:26

I'm sorry. It was chunky. And I got

3:29

upset because I just bought it. And

3:31

I was like, it's because it's in this goddamn open bag. And

3:33

I woke up and I was like, I don't drink cow milk.

3:36

What do you mean? Hold on a second.

3:39

I understand that drinking cow milk is a

3:41

lactose intolerant person. But my problem with this

3:43

is that you emphasize that

3:45

it was bagged milk, but it never

3:48

came up in the dream at all.

3:50

No, in the dream. Yeah, in the dream, it was

3:52

bag milk. Like in the picture cut open, like how

3:54

you have bag milk. Don't say it like it's

3:56

a normal thing. I

4:00

took it out and it was all chunked and

4:02

I was like fuck I can't make

4:04

this latte now and I was upset and

4:06

I woke up and I was just like how do you fucking

4:08

drink milk? This is my favorite part about the

4:10

age that we have reached is that our

4:12

night I had that nightmare a couple weeks

4:14

ago that I missed a flight. Dude!

4:17

I cannot tell you what it is

4:19

such a sign of getting older welcome.

4:22

No! If your nightmares get so fucking

4:24

banal like you get such practical nightmares.

4:26

I can't have- It's all like- I

4:29

have like missing or recording nightmares. Oh!

4:31

I have those all the time. I had

4:33

a- I had a- we had a shared nightmare

4:35

the other week that- Your show! That we got

4:37

the date wrong- Get the date wrong for your

4:39

show! It was the worst thing that

4:41

ever happened to me. I literally texted

4:44

you I was like when is your show? Is it

4:46

today? And you were like no it's

4:48

tomorrow and I was like I know that but I

4:50

just woke up from a dream where I missed it

4:52

today. Yeah I had the exact same dream

4:54

it's the worst thing ever. My

4:57

nightmares not like I remember being a child and

4:59

being like there's a monster under my bed and

5:01

I've never seen it but I know that the

5:03

moment I do it'll be the last thing that

5:06

I've ever seen. And now my nightmares

5:08

are like I'm gonna

5:10

talk to Deborah from Delta for

5:12

six hours oh no! I

5:14

feel like they're also getting I feel like

5:16

my nightmares are also getting more like because I've

5:18

gone so far in life about fucking up that

5:21

my nightmares are about fucking up in life. Like

5:23

I have a lot of like I accidentally killed

5:25

someone nightmares. Oh! You know

5:27

what I mean? Oh like uh-huh you

5:29

have nightmares. Actors definitely. No!

5:32

Like you do like a like a manslaughter and now your life is

5:34

ruined forever. Sure yeah yeah yeah. I have those kind

5:36

of nightmares. We call that a rich person oopsie

5:38

daisy. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. You

5:41

can you can you can

5:43

fucking absolutely destroy somebody in

5:45

a car accident kill two

5:47

people and then go on

5:49

to do Godzilla. I

5:51

heard that. I

6:00

heard that after the car accident, he tried

6:02

to put the car in reverse so

6:04

that the miles would come back. That's such

6:06

a good joke. It's so good. Fuck. Fuck

6:09

that's good. It's so

6:11

good he could turn it on. We'll

6:13

shake it up, baby! If

6:17

you're unfamiliar, by the way, what's his name?

6:20

Matthew Broderick? Matthew Broderick. Matthew Broderick killed two

6:22

people on the Autobahn. Yeah, which happened in

6:24

Ireland. Was it? I think it was in

6:26

Ireland, yeah, I believe. Listen, this is public

6:28

information. This is not like... Who? Brandy

6:32

also? Brandy? Yeah.

6:35

Brandy, like the alcohol? No, Brandy the singer.

6:37

Oh! Moecis? I'm

6:39

pretty sure... Brandy the algo... By

6:42

the way, welcome to the libel cast. I think

6:44

we need to... Hold on, let me

6:46

look at the... Brandy vehicular

6:48

homicide. Again,

6:51

I think you're gonna find a lot of

6:53

things about the alcohol. Yeah, I'm just getting

6:55

kavassie-a fucking advertisements now. Oh shit, kavassie-a. Ferntasies,

6:57

Moecis. Best... best

7:00

enjoyed while on the open road.

7:03

Oh my God! That's great. Yep,

7:05

no, it's not libel, she did it. Okay. Yeah.

7:09

Caitlyn Jenner also. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

7:11

yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was in

7:13

the past, I think. It was in the past. That

7:16

was before they transitioned, right? Yeah. So

7:18

that's... Or was it? Was it?

7:21

Or was it? It was... it was post. It

7:23

was post. Yeah. Fuck!

7:28

This

7:30

seems like as good a time as any to tell

7:33

you that you should go to vrtpodcast.com. Being

7:38

a first member is the best way to

7:40

support this show, especially as the libs come

7:42

for us. Nothing

7:44

woke anymore. No,

7:48

we truly appreciate your patronage and helping us

7:50

create the show and all the shows that

7:52

we create. It's the best

7:54

way to ensure that we can do stuff like

7:56

It's Choice, It's Problematic, the new RT

7:58

pieces show that we're doing. Yeah, we're

8:01

actually currently working on

8:03

more content like

8:06

bigger productions that we're gonna start Yeah,

8:08

yeah couple of shows or you know

8:10

say say shows got a couple of

8:13

ideas ideas Yeah on the

8:15

whiteboard in the pipeline that are very exciting.

8:17

Yeah, cool If you like the 20th anniversary stuff

8:19

we did it's gonna be like that, but less Well

8:22

and more and more and more yeah

8:24

same time. We will start weekly We're

8:26

not gonna we're not gonna we're not

8:28

gonna blow shit up But we are

8:30

gonna do things that make legal do

8:32

a fucking brow furrow Do

8:35

the 11 cigarettes meme? Yeah

8:39

Fucking hate us you don't like it how

8:41

much we talk about guns no My

8:47

god the amount of times that in a pitch deck

8:49

I've sent Just

8:51

recruitment videos as a visual aesthetic. I've

8:53

been told to stop doing yes. We

8:56

gotta get those cheetahs We absolutely

8:58

got to get the terrorism shoes gotta get

9:00

the sorry the freedom fighter footy. That's right

9:02

the freedom fighter footy First

9:05

is a great way to Shoot

9:08

teeth and all of the things that we make

9:10

I saw a comment that somebody made when I

9:12

said that it would allow us to Do the

9:14

blizz video and they said so because

9:16

people signed up for first you were able

9:19

to edit A video from a year

9:21

ago, and I responded to it at 4

9:23

a.m. What did you say? I said

9:25

yeah, we have to pay our editors filming. Yeah

9:28

Yeah, well I edited it. Yeah,

9:31

it's more about time like time relocation

9:33

or What do

9:35

you call it like be able to delete my comment

9:37

resource lit up the resource or so there's a finite

9:39

amount of resources Around these parts. I don't

9:41

know that it's not just this bottomless

9:43

bucket of money I'm not just allowed to

9:46

post whatever I want on the roosterteeth site

9:48

despite all of the comments on roosterteeth videos

9:50

like why is this guy in? everything Yeah,

9:54

there we go so supporting

9:57

us helps us to do that stuff that really fun

9:59

stuff One of the things that we're

10:01

doing, I think it has come out, if

10:03

you're listening to this show on Monday, because

10:05

I'm realizing that there's sort of a week

10:08

delay, but we did a live shopping event

10:10

called Save the Mascots, which was genuinely

10:12

influenced by a NyQuil nightmare

10:14

that I had. Adult

10:17

nightmare. Adult nightmare. The

10:19

adult nightmare being that I was in

10:21

charge of running a charity event, and

10:24

everything went wrong, and then I had

10:26

a heart attack. So if

10:28

you're interested in seeing what that looks like

10:30

come to life, go check

10:32

out the VOD that either is available now

10:34

or will be available soon, because man,

10:38

if you think legal hates us, my favorite

10:40

part about pitching this live shopping event is

10:42

they went, this is great, we love it,

10:44

the jokes are very funny. At

10:46

what point are you

10:48

gonna be actually promoting any of

10:51

the merch? Promoting merchandise. No, yeah,

10:53

right, that part. Yeah, so I

10:56

think you're gonna love it, and hopefully we sold

10:58

a couple of t-shirts. Truly, you do plan to

11:00

have dinosaurs on your dinosaur tour. Yeah, yeah. This

11:03

is like a cool ride, all the fun

11:05

fanfare and everything. Are

11:07

you gonna sell a piece of clothing? Are

11:09

you gonna sell an item? Maybe. I'll get

11:11

to it. Listen, I'll get to it. Listen,

11:14

our job is to fucking entertain. We gotta

11:16

make the entertaining news. So

11:19

that's what we're gonna try to

11:21

do. So yeah, that again is

11:23

vrtpodcast.com/first. Hey, my

11:27

lease is almost up. Oh, wow. Like to move

11:29

out of my nightmare apartment. Isn't that insane?

11:31

That's insane. Also a dream apartment to me.

11:33

I can't believe that turned out like that.

11:35

That I moved in and then everything went wrong.

11:38

Okay, I'm just, I'm sorry. It is

11:40

a perfect unit. Yes. You

11:42

got a corner, windows, floor to ceiling. Here's

11:44

the address on the screen now. Here's the

11:46

address. You only have to have two roommates.

11:49

Okay, no. I ain't

11:51

living with fucking anybody. It's the best day

11:54

ever. You

11:56

got winter pricing. It

11:58

was really nice. It was a good. apartment in

12:01

theory and then the longer I've lived there the

12:03

more it's just been like it's been constantly under

12:05

construction. I

12:08

just found out I have water damage because I

12:10

looked after all the rain happened I looked in

12:12

the corner of my apartment and saw that the

12:14

roof was starting to sag which is not And

12:21

I've been looking at different apartments both here in

12:23

Austin and you know back home in Los Angeles

12:25

because you know you always think Like maybe I'll

12:27

go back to Los Angeles I've

12:30

been talking to my partner about Lisa

12:33

Lisa's at different apartments,

12:36

and I just heard the most insane

12:38

story of my life this person found

12:41

my partner's friend Yes found an

12:43

apartment through an Instagram profile that like

12:45

shows off cool Los Angeles apartments Yeah,

12:47

I love that thing. Yeah, there's one

12:50

for Austin too Oh, it's there's one

12:52

for everywhere now, and I can never

12:54

tell if the apartments are like actually

12:56

real or if they're Like

12:59

a scam to get you to

13:01

follow this Instagram account With

13:03

the dream that you'll ever be able to

13:05

afford a nice place to live people

13:07

lie on the internet all the time So

13:10

one of these Instagram accounts shared this

13:12

like art deco place in Los Angeles.

13:14

It looked really beautiful It's got like

13:16

nice tiles on the stairs outside. It's

13:19

got hardwood floors beautiful apartment and She

13:22

reaches out to ask for like a tour

13:26

And the first thing that happens is the guy

13:28

is like this apartment is no longer available But

13:31

I do have two other locations that I think

13:34

you would be interested in real bait and switch.

13:36

Oh, yeah Alright already off

13:38

the bat these places are not in the

13:40

same like art deco style yeah, what made

13:43

this person know press in the first place

13:45

and When

13:47

they go you know what? This

13:50

place is good enough Which is the name of

13:53

the game and finding a place to live in

13:55

Los Angeles or is this place is general fine?

13:57

Yeah, and that's like even if you have like

14:00

five million dollars. Yeah. It's like, this

14:02

place is fine. Yeah. There's

14:04

always something like, I lived in a neighborhood

14:06

where it was like, cool. I'm two blocks

14:08

away from Staples Center, and near the best

14:10

food I've ever had in my life, MS13

14:12

runs the neighborhood. That's awesome. Sick. We do

14:14

not have an HOA, but we do have

14:16

a lot of FOOs. Food.

14:19

Shut up. Oh, damn. Shut up. God damn it.

14:21

Shut it down. Shut it down. Shut it down.

14:23

Shut it down. Shut it down. I love your

14:25

fuck. You'll piss your shit. Fuck you. Shut up.

14:27

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut

14:29

up. I'm not good. I

14:34

shouldn't be as pleased with myself as I am.

14:36

You're very satisfied. I'm going to

14:38

be honest with you, it's less of a

14:40

joke was good and more of your guys'

14:42

reaction of like, oh, fuck you. Just the

14:45

fucking headphones off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how

14:47

MS13 felt about having me there too. Not

14:50

because of the jokes I made, but because I

14:52

painted my house outside of the approved colors. That's

14:54

right. Yeah. It was a blood house. So

14:58

she goes and looks at this other apartment and is

15:01

already like, it's fine. I guess it's OK,

15:03

whatever. Yeah, I'm interested in

15:05

renting this apartment. The guy was like, cool, awesome.

15:08

Well, we just have a couple of questions

15:10

because I'm the personal landlord for this apartment.

15:12

And I just want to make sure that

15:14

whoever we have in here is a good

15:16

candidate. Yeah. So what's your

15:18

star sign? OK, I

15:20

am out of it. I'm not written in

15:22

no Gemini. And

15:25

I'll die before I let the quarries live there. Are you

15:27

kidding? No air signs at all. Oh my god.

15:30

Maybe a libre if you've got an Earth rising.

15:33

I love the idea of a landlord being

15:35

like, well, I'm going to need first months,

15:37

last months, and birthstone when you move in

15:40

here. Actually. The

15:45

I love, I'm sorry, I cannot

15:47

get over the bait and

15:50

switch of like, hey, I'm interested in

15:52

renting this apartment that looks like it's

15:54

from LA Confidential. It's like beautiful art

15:56

deco places. Actually, that's not

15:59

available. What I do. Have is a

16:01

refrigerator box full of ants. Yeah,

16:03

that is $700,000

16:06

a month that

16:08

yeah, it's available. It's available right now. Yeah, and

16:10

you will need one roommate The

16:16

the the income requirements, oh, yeah, that's

16:18

the other thing in Los Angeles With

16:21

the fucking like you have to make

16:24

three times Whatever the rent

16:26

is to live there and it's like

16:28

insane. Yeah, it just means you have

16:30

to lie. Yeah, God Yes, no one

16:32

I know makes three times the amount

16:34

of rent because rent is insane It's you

16:36

know, I think that guy was right. I think

16:38

the rent might be too damn. Yeah Two

16:44

separate times that I have applied for a Los

16:46

Angeles apartment where I just straight up like I

16:49

dressed really nice and tried to Insinuate

16:52

that my parents were Hollywood

16:54

producers. I Just

16:56

said a lot. I said a lot of things

16:58

where I was just like, yeah my father when

17:00

he was working on this project You

17:03

know, he got really ingratiated into the community

17:05

and was like really able to like, you

17:07

know, figure out what makes the community And

17:10

it was like yeah, he was picking up

17:12

trash as part of his community I Love

17:16

fire Do

17:19

that really obnoxious thing where you refer

17:21

to movies by just one word

17:23

in the movie title It's like back when I

17:26

was working on lambs. Sorry silence the lambs Shortening

17:33

something for the sake of time and

17:35

then going oh, sorry. Sorry. Yeah, I'm

17:37

actually more cultured than you Fucking

17:39

idiot Philistine. Yeah When

17:42

I was working on Beverly Beverly Hills

17:44

Chihuahua When

17:48

I was working in kitty's tale of two

17:50

kitty I realized Hillary

17:52

was a fucking nightmare Yeah,

17:56

I have done that twice and twice

17:58

at his work to the insinuation that

18:00

I am a nepo baby and that you need to

18:02

rent me this apartment because I have parents money to

18:04

back it up and then a 100%

18:08

of the time they regret it because I

18:10

am very poor and I will bring my

18:12

poor friends around I

18:17

I swear that that is a flight. Yeah, I also

18:19

have the flight of fancy like Every once

18:21

in a while get on a little red

18:23

vint or something and look at apartments and stuff in

18:25

Los Angeles and elsewhere across the country just engage

18:27

like you know the how

18:30

dire the dire the

18:32

straights are and I

18:34

the last time I looked in LA I was

18:36

just like oh Fuck

18:39

me. I am going to have to roommate with the

18:41

lady behind the dumpster in my mom and drive Like

18:43

that is gonna have to be my roommate I

18:46

will have to get the grossest bridge troll to

18:48

live with me to be able to afford like

18:51

a Postage stamp.

18:53

Yeah bedroom. I'm actually bed would

18:55

be my bedroom. I'm actually gonna

18:57

start renting that water tower. They

18:59

found that dead girl Where

19:06

do you live I live in the chalk out It's

19:16

like that it's like that you're too now though Like

19:19

cuz I'm in the process of like do I

19:21

want to sign my lease again in this in

19:23

the place I'm at which I Love

19:26

the location hate the actual house sure it's an

19:28

old house, but because it's in such a good

19:30

location or refused to move But

19:33

it's like okay. You could go to this cool

19:35

place That is the same size

19:37

as the house you're living in now, but it

19:39

costs twice as much like I look like

19:42

I look like a 700 square foot

19:44

house yeah, and if I want a 700 square foot

19:46

apartment, it's like three thousand dollars. Yeah for

19:48

no reason That's what that's kind of what

19:50

I mean by that whole like every time

19:52

you go out shopping for a place to

19:55

live It's it's the game of like fine

19:57

enough. Yeah, it's good enough Both

20:01

like I would rather die than pack up my

20:03

house. Yeah that part too It's an awful

20:05

thought the idea that eventually I am going to

20:07

have to pack up my house and move across

20:09

the country I just leave it. It makes me

20:11

want to die. I think I'm gonna die here

20:13

in Texas You

20:16

you look at your apartment you look at all your

20:18

stuff and then you look over and there's just a

20:20

gas can and you're like Yeah, yeah, I'm just gonna

20:22

trail that out of here I'm

20:25

gonna tell them Louise There's

20:31

a shed in my backyard that has

20:33

stuff from three tenants ago, that's how much

20:35

moving fucking sucks. There's a kayak in there

20:38

There's a kayak in there that they were just

20:41

like that was $1,200 But

20:43

I would rather die than try to put them on

20:45

top of my super Impreza like That

20:50

is man that is a let that be a lesson Let

20:52

me be a lesson to all of you out there unless

20:54

you are Rock-solid like unless you like

20:56

own a home or like really financially unless

20:58

you are a lot Are you

21:00

going to live? I cannot recommend

21:02

more highly not buying hard

21:04

to move Don't

21:07

accrue things. This is the the

21:09

Marie Kondo of you know Leaping

21:12

in I'm just like do not buy a

21:14

like pit master Smoker

21:17

for your patio and then realize oh

21:20

fuck. I've got to move this thing

21:23

I've got to get you the body ash

21:25

all over everything I own you to find a

21:27

place that you can move into with it Yeah, that

21:29

can't go on a balcony of an apartment Where

21:32

you gotta find another house or set and then but then

21:34

you have to do the thing where then you also call

21:36

I'll sell it and you take a fucking bath on

21:38

it. See I'm not grill for like $1,000 I

21:41

couldn't only say I'll sell it for like a hundred bucks. It's

21:43

like I just sold a $700

21:45

bed for $300 because I just wanted the space back in my

21:47

house No, it was it was a

21:50

month old I never I barely used it and

21:52

it was just it was basically it was a brand new bed basically

21:54

and I was just like I can't keep

21:56

I banged my ankle on it like one

21:58

too many times and I just Just like took the fuck

22:00

I was like trying to sell it for like 450 I

22:03

think and I was just like please just come get it just come get

22:05

300 with a OBO Oh be

22:07

a let's go truly truly a game of

22:10

taking all capital L. Yeah

22:12

for little lowercase W I

22:14

guess that is the game. I don't know

22:16

man. I can I can I don't have to climb over

22:18

a box anymore And I'm kind of hyped about that No,

22:21

I don't know about your love life Ewwww

22:23

I got em You mean? I don't know No

22:26

that's what my hack joke

22:28

is I understand why polyamory is getting so

22:31

popular because you need a third roommate You might as well

22:33

fuck them if you're gonna be living together like at

22:35

this point because they're only gonna be able to afford a

22:37

one-bedroom Yeah, with the third roommate There's I mean The

22:43

nice thing about a cult is you all live on a compound

22:45

and you don't have to pay any rent That's all I'm gonna

22:48

say Yeah, yeah If we could

22:50

get a compound we don't think you we even need

22:52

to start a compound I think that we're at this

22:54

point. I think we could take a compound I

22:57

think we go in there guns blazing do the little John

22:59

Wick gun to the side thing. Oh, yeah I

23:02

have no idea why they do that, but it looks cool

23:04

as fuck. I think we take it I think we think

23:06

it I think we fucking take it Well, there was that

23:08

story that came out last week of that's like a

23:10

group of long friends Who've

23:12

been friends of 28? I don't I'm doing a British accent probably

23:14

because I was on the BBC story But

23:17

I think it happened in America big

23:19

black cock news, that's right Breaking

23:29

news drizzy drizzy

23:32

glizzy check it out Was

23:36

that story that came out of like it was like a group

23:38

of like five Couples or like

23:40

lifelong friends that like basically they bought a

23:42

piece of property brought like they bought like

23:44

six acres together Yeah, and then

23:47

built six tiny. Oh, yeah a tiny

23:49

home. Really normal sized houses. Yeah, they're

23:51

like not even tiny They're like your

23:53

courtyard. They got a shared courtyard and like a shared space and

23:55

they're not even like I said tiny homes But I think they're

23:57

like a thousand to eleven hundred square

23:59

feet I feel like I've seen this this

24:02

concept of like basically I forget fuck

24:04

somebody in the comments is gonna know

24:06

what it is But the concept

24:08

is exactly what you've described. You're creating

24:10

mini community. Yeah of Yeah,

24:13

well you you have like smaller homes, but you

24:15

have this this like great shared space in the

24:17

middle Guys

24:21

I think we reverse engineered neighborhoods, I think

24:23

I Smaller

24:26

units and like yeah and and like they

24:28

all have like a shared garden But you

24:30

are right is like I don't know it is

24:32

kind of like making a neighborhood, but yeah I

24:36

well, I think you know it's I you know I Made

24:39

a glib comment, but it's funny cuz I remember

24:41

growing up when I was a kid like my

24:43

parents weren't friends with

24:46

our neighbors before we moved in but

24:48

like all my parent like all

24:50

the parents in my neighborhood with friends with Each other

24:52

they hang out. They'd come over like it was like

24:54

a little like community. I know maybe that's

24:56

changed I know I talked about this last I Know

25:01

I talked about this last time But I think

25:04

that's a huge difference between growing up somewhere even

25:06

vaguely rural which I look I

25:09

fucking know Everyone's gonna hate me for saying

25:11

this comparative like

25:13

compared to Los Angeles even

25:16

Austin, Texas is rural to me.

25:18

Oh, yeah Feels tiny it's so small

25:20

very small The

25:23

downtown area I give it that it's a city

25:25

I'm not taking away the city the thing is

25:27

though is that like I grew up in a

25:29

fucking jungle all right like it was metro Plex

25:31

yeah, yeah where there are I am in a

25:33

200 square foot studio apartment

25:35

sleeping on a futon in a kitchen as

25:37

a Fucking 10 year

25:40

old with families on all

25:42

sides of me. I am

25:44

hearing the world's worst noises

25:47

Okay, it's awful. No one

25:49

likes their neighbor Everyone is a

25:52

fucking enemy a neighbor is just an

25:54

enemy you don't talk to That

25:57

was in LA growing up and I don't

25:59

like that kind concept of like being here

26:01

in Austin like I've been walking around my

26:03

apartment and somebody will say something like I

26:05

was wearing like my Minnesota jacket and somebody

26:08

stopped me. I was like, oh Minnesota I

26:11

you know, I'm actually from there. Is that where you went to school?

26:13

And I was like, no Why would you think that

26:15

and I walked away and I was like, why did I do

26:17

that? So mean Trying

26:19

to make a human connection and I just shut it

26:21

down Because if I was I'm telling you if I

26:23

was like at a farmers market at a

26:25

restaurant at a bar Yeah, any other situation that conversation

26:27

happens. I'm opening up. I'm having a good time. Yeah,

26:30

but the fact that she's there I'm like, what do

26:32

you need fucking information? You're gonna go to the fucking

26:34

people and be like, oh, oh I need to go

26:36

to this unit. He's from Minnesota. They're gonna go. Oh,

26:38

you clearly know him And then you're gonna get all

26:41

my stuff then you're gonna steal my fucking couch Then

26:43

I'm trying to sell on Facebook marketplace for four hundred

26:45

fucking dollars, but I can only get it for a

26:47

hundred impossible. I Fucking

26:50

hate neighbors Don't

26:53

like Facebook

26:55

marketplace one time I gave my couch away

26:57

for free and then he also stole my bike. I figured it

26:59

out I figured it out. You know, I've been

27:02

talking about how my bike got stolen. I don't know my bike Went

27:06

missing around the time I gave

27:08

my couch away. I think he stole my bike

27:12

He had a truck so I think he just Yep,

27:16

and just like hook it on the way out. I

27:18

miss my bike so much It

27:22

was a good bike you said OBO like

27:24

or best offer and he was like, oh

27:26

that probably means also bike

27:29

Okay, oh bike, okay Man

27:39

you like wait, so we I'm sorry. Hold

27:41

on. I gotta roll back just a

27:43

second. Some guy came over to your place Yeah,

27:45

you pick up a couch my my

27:47

Ikea free-hitting couch with storage. Yeah Like

27:51

if someone comes over to my house to

27:53

pick up anything, yeah, I don't know

27:55

them I am sitting in a

27:57

rocking chair with a shotgun watching them

27:59

the entire I do have my gun propped

28:01

up against the door whenever I have someone come pick

28:03

stuff up because I am a woman and it's usually

28:05

a man Boy

28:08

once it's out the door. I don't give a fuck Okay,

28:11

and also my yard. I don't think about my

28:13

yard at all so I

28:15

was just like and it's out of my house and

28:17

now I have space for a Shittier

28:20

smaller couch should your smaller couch more guns

28:23

hidden around yeah See what I

28:25

think is funny is the way that you guys are talking about strangers

28:27

sitting on the porch with the shotgun I trust

28:29

a stranger implicitly Driver

28:31

come on in buddy. Come on The

28:34

moment they say yeah, actually live down the street Fuck

28:39

out of here buddy. I almost started a fuse with my

28:41

neighbor, but it was dumb shit my dog did oh Was

28:44

it tearing the fence yeah my fence

28:46

is fucking broken broken? It

28:49

looked like one of the flats broke like

28:51

a while ago Whatever that's gone But

28:53

then I noticed two more had like

28:55

fallen in and there's been like a

28:57

bunch of routiness happening over there And

28:59

a bunch of furniture being moved around

29:02

and there's like a fucking chair up against my fence

29:04

now No, that motherfucker push the fucking chair knock my

29:06

fucking fence down now I'm in landlords gonna get mad

29:08

at me when they come by to trim the fucking

29:10

tree They're gonna be like what are you doing to

29:12

our fence? We put this fence with our hands And

29:14

then I looked at the security footage that I have

29:17

because I have so many cameras Because

29:19

I bought like five cameras after my bike got stolen

29:21

uh-huh And it

29:23

was my dog. She just fucking jumped on that

29:25

she's fucking knocked it. She's fucking knocked it out of there

29:28

I sent it to the I didn't watch the video,

29:30

but oh my god She

29:33

walks past it and she like double

29:36

takes double takes he comes back and she goes Oh

29:40

Yeah, it's so fun And then

29:43

I'm holding to the fence to the other yard And I'm

29:45

like why are you doing that and I know

29:47

the reason is because again I'm blaming the neighbors

29:49

they have I have seen them reach their hands

29:52

through the other slats that's missing The

29:54

dog hit her yeah, wrong. I have

29:56

a huge dog. Don't do that.

29:58

Yeah I feel like if

30:00

you haven't seen Sandlot, if you do, you do that

30:03

shit. Yeah, exactly. No, no, no,

30:05

no, no, no. That shit won't fly. Do

30:07

you see that? Yeah. Oh, and we also

30:09

found out from another, the one neighbor who I do trust,

30:11

the one who's always playing the drums outside. Oh,

30:13

okay. That's a trustworthy

30:15

neighbor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He

30:18

was like, oh yeah, like the lady who lives over there came

30:20

by and she was like, oh, I always see that dog out

30:22

in the yard and I just want to go in there and

30:24

pet her. And I was like, don't do that. Why

30:26

would you do that? Don't come through my fence and pet

30:28

my dog. My dog is very cute.

30:30

Leave her alone. Yeah. Your

30:32

dog is long, like a spaghetti noodle. This is my point

30:34

that I've been feeling like boneless. I see your dog doesn't

30:36

seem like it has bone. You know,

30:38

liquid. Yeah. Your dog

30:40

is a ferret. It's a large ferret. You're a ferret,

30:43

literally. Yes. My point is always

30:45

like, I know the grass is greener on the

30:47

other side, but I think it's interesting is now

30:49

we have a world in which everyone in rural

30:52

America is trying to do

30:54

these little community neighborhood things.

30:56

My dream is to live on 20

30:59

acres of land so that my nearest neighbor

31:01

is two miles away and I never have

31:04

to talk to anybody or see another human

31:06

being again. And I die because I'm alone

31:08

and I choked on spaghetti and no one

31:10

was there to help me. That is my

31:12

dream. That is my dream. It's a platonic

31:14

ideal of life. Yeah, it's all I want.

31:16

Yeah, I told you left alone. Yeah, forever.

31:18

Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me

31:20

alone. Leave me alone. Leave me

31:23

alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

31:25

Leave me alone. I'm going

31:27

to call the final notice that I have that

31:29

are neatly stacked so that you know

31:32

in the narrative structure I'm poor. Yeah,

31:34

exactly. But somehow, if we're at 20

31:36

acres, we're nowhere. Blue gold

31:38

in the acres. I will say... Oh,

31:40

shit. I

31:43

didn't know you were bald now. Shit,

31:46

that's a good way. Guys, can we do podcasts?

31:49

I'm doing the podcast. I just didn't know you had shaved

31:51

your head. I'm just looking

31:53

at the camera angles, man. Oh, damn. That's

31:56

a weird reveal to do. You got good

31:58

cheekbones. Yeah. Yeah. good

32:00

brain bone yeah okay do I yeah

32:02

you have the perfect idea you have

32:05

the old head yes yes yeah

32:07

it is a yeah yeah if

32:10

you were a little more buff I

32:12

would it would read white supremacy might

32:14

not oh okay okay okay I'll take

32:16

that I thought you were saying like

32:18

I should be more I was I

32:20

was a dental no no no no

32:22

no the moment you get even a

32:24

little more buff it's over now you

32:26

get you get a little a little

32:28

more jacked and it's like a black

32:30

rifle coffee shirt will appear on your

32:32

body right now you look like a

32:34

vinyl DJ yeah okay okay we should

32:36

get back to the fight

32:39

that's all staying in go check out the you can watch

32:41

what Cody looks like yeah

32:47

you can see producer Cody in

32:49

the video version of the episode

32:51

and you'll see like the nicest

32:54

roast of our producer let

32:56

me go you guys

32:59

accurate you got

33:01

a good cheap bone you should play like sloot third in

33:03

the live-action remake man I'm over here doing the

33:05

math and like insult compliment in compliment

33:12

compliment okay appreciate

33:15

it so you want to die alone I

33:17

do want to die alone I don't

33:19

know man you were like I I am constantly thinking

33:21

about like

33:27

just fucking retreating from society

33:29

and absolutely doing nothing because you were

33:31

you said earlier when we were talking

33:33

about nightmares that you have these things

33:36

were like because nothing bad has happened

33:38

to you lifewise like life-ruining yeah and

33:40

so you have these these dreams about

33:42

fear failure and these awful

33:44

things I have

33:48

had life-ruiting stuff happen that I've never

33:50

dealt with I just kick it down

33:52

the road and now I live my

33:54

life almost as if the check engine

33:56

of my life is on at all

34:01

It's not good. I shouldn't keep driving.

34:03

I should stop and deal with some

34:05

of these problems, but like fucking I'm

34:07

not gonna go talk to the IRS.

34:09

Get fucked. Yeah. And a car's not

34:11

started. I keep going. Yeah. Sometimes

34:13

I wake up in the morning and I try to get

34:16

my life going and it goes. But

34:19

then it goes. I'm like, oh,

34:21

it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. And they're like,

34:23

why is my car making a motorcycle noise? Yeah.

34:26

There is your problem. Every so often I

34:28

turn the air conditioner on and smell gasoline,

34:30

but it's fine. It's fine. That's also a

34:32

real problem I have with my actual car.

34:34

Another instance of the check engine of

34:37

my life being on it. You might

34:39

not have a cabin filter. Yeah, probably.

34:42

They might have gotten it changed. They didn't put a

34:44

new one in because you didn't pay for it. Well,

34:46

no, I just haven't gone and

34:49

gotten that replaced for the long.

34:51

Or then it might be full of holes. Yeah,

34:53

probably. Or he does

34:55

what I do and soaks his cabin air filter and gas.

34:57

I like to take two rides. Yeah.

35:03

So I

35:06

just kind of like let my life

35:08

ride out until it ends. And I

35:10

feel like my only solution to all

35:12

of my actual problems is to just

35:15

secede from reality and society and go

35:18

live on 20 acres that I've reclaimed from

35:20

somebody who doesn't even know that I'm there.

35:23

I guarantee you I could

35:25

go out to the middle of some national park

35:27

and just live there and squat there for long

35:29

enough that no one knows I'm out there. Oh,

35:31

absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. The

35:34

Blair Witch lifestyle. Yeah. Until some like and

35:36

you would get you would get found by some

35:38

dipshit with a drone. That's

35:41

how you would get. Oh, absolutely. I

35:43

guarantee you if I

35:45

really wanted to, I could

35:48

become Bigfoot. Yeah. I

35:51

could secede from from reality and society. I could

35:53

go to the middle of the woods. I could

35:55

take off all of my clothing and I feel

35:57

like I could really get away with the Bigfoot.

36:00

I already kind of look very real tiny

36:02

big foot though sidling

36:04

up to another Bigfoot pissing on a log

36:06

like hey, what's it what the fuck? Give

36:12

you a nod and be like hey, what's up? Hey,

36:14

wait a minute? Sorry,

36:17

I just shave yeah The

36:20

other big butts was looking at us like we looked at Cody

36:25

You got good cheekbones I

36:28

mean I already kind of walk like them

36:35

Yeah, I am looking over my shoulder goddamn I

36:37

feel like I could do it But

36:40

in case I didn't want to dial on I did have one

36:42

other thing I wanted to talk about recently So

36:47

I should start this off by saying I

36:50

love my partner I love my partner so

36:52

much Yeah, they're the

36:54

best person I've ever met in my entire

36:56

life and I love them so much and

36:58

I am truly and totally infatuated

37:01

with this person Starting

37:08

up strong second. I'm just getting word. No

37:11

longer a partner I Just

37:15

found out that I am

37:17

expected to as a partner

37:20

ask them to be my Valentine Okay

37:25

No, here's the thing. This

37:27

is not necessarily a problem. I am working on

37:29

it I think I already told you what

37:31

the idea that I had is and since Valentine's

37:34

Day is coming out last Valentine's Day What

37:36

I did was I made like an old-school mixtape

37:39

and I made it myself with like This

37:43

obviously the songs are from artists that we

37:45

both like and I but I

37:47

like mixed it so that the songs go

37:49

into each Other and I also made like

37:52

fake ads and fake stuff that makes

37:54

it sound like I recorded it off the radio

37:57

And they really enjoyed it. They said it was

37:59

the sweetest nicest thing anybody's ever done for

38:01

them. So I'm doing that again, but this

38:03

year I'm also going to put

38:05

it on tape and I bought them

38:08

a cassette player that'll work with their

38:10

car. Oh, sick. So that it could

38:12

be like a sweet thing. Yeah. You

38:14

know, it's themed. What I'm saying

38:16

is, is like coming up with the stuff is

38:18

not an issue. I don't have an issue doing

38:20

this stuff. What I do have an issue with

38:22

is the fact that I ever had to ask

38:25

somebody to be my Valentine since I was in

38:27

the fifth grade. When did this

38:29

come back? When did this start happening

38:31

again that I had to like ask the person

38:33

that I'm dating to be my Valentine? When

38:36

did it stop? We're already dating.

38:38

Now I got to ask

38:40

you that again. Are you fucking getting

38:42

me? All the work. A

38:45

relationship should just be me being

38:47

comfortable and doing absolutely nothing and

38:49

putting no effort in. Well,

38:52

you drag me out

38:55

to stuff that's fun until we get

38:57

divorced. And I go

38:59

to those 20 acres. I got

39:02

to be clear. Again

39:04

I'm not actually upset about like having to ask

39:06

this person to be my Valentine. I just like

39:08

I had not had to do

39:10

this since like, you know, high school.

39:13

It seems to me like very like a

39:15

real childish thing to do. And I guess

39:17

that it's very sweet. It's also like it's

39:19

the non-married version of like reaffirming your vows.

39:21

Yeah, sure. You know what I mean? Yeah,

39:23

okay, okay, okay. Do you guys like, well,

39:25

you're alone. Do you? Yeah, I mean, perpetually.

39:31

You're so alone because Andrew,

39:34

you have no one and nobody.

39:38

But Griff, do you ask

39:43

your partner, your girlfriend to

39:45

be their Valentine? I feel like I have

39:48

to. Now you do? Yeah. Did

39:50

you do it last year? I

39:52

never have. You never have,

39:54

folks. No. I'm

39:57

sorry. I need some clarification. Yeah. being

40:00

asked for you in this

40:02

scenario not even a scenario in real life

40:04

this is not a hypothetical you are

40:06

being asked to explicitly ask

40:09

your partner will you

40:11

with the words will you be my

40:13

Valentine this is

40:15

insane really I think like

40:19

yes like will you be my that like

40:22

I think you do stuff nice for

40:24

Valentine Day but asking someone to be

40:26

your Valentine sounds crazy as an adult

40:28

to make it on the phone this

40:30

is the most fucking vindicated I've ever felt my

40:32

entire life feeling like this is absolutely insane Justin

40:34

you're married right are you married

40:37

are you dating somebody married I

40:39

don't know why I assumed you weren't married are

40:45

you married are you married you seen

40:47

anybody yeah did

40:49

you yes or no real quick did

40:51

you are you doing a Valentine's Day

40:53

do you ask your your your partner

40:56

your significant other to be their Valentine

40:58

is this like a thing you do

41:05

oh is in say why not

41:07

why you had okay yeah which

41:13

means that other people are and again

41:15

like I am in such a great

41:17

position this year where like I did

41:20

something so sweet last year and the

41:22

bit was I'm making you a mixtape

41:24

so as a joke as

41:26

a fucking joke I was like will

41:28

you be my Valentine and they were

41:30

like I'm so excited to see how you

41:33

asked me to be your that my your Valentine again this year

41:35

and I was like fucking promposal

41:37

okay okay okay yes

41:40

here okay here's here's what it is I have

41:42

no I have no I mean

41:45

he's so worked up about it so works up about

41:47

it you calm down but it's not okay it's couples

41:50

and in in relationships you totally

41:52

feel comfortable with asking for

41:54

what you need what you want and be able to

41:56

be exactly like hey I Would really like it

41:59

if you would ask me to. your. Be your Valentine. It's

42:01

like, oh, I wasn't aware that was. Do that. Any

42:03

know what? Because I love you, care about you. I

42:05

will of course, absolutely no issue with that. What?

42:07

I. Am completely

42:10

perplexed by. Is. That

42:12

suddenly. We. Suddenly.

42:16

I'm hearing about. This is then

42:18

there is a cultural shift. This

42:20

happened and for thirty something years.

42:24

Like it was like oh yeah, we stop doing that

42:26

when I was five which also kind of weird. For

42:28

children to as I don't know that seems

42:30

are you can we had any Jr yeah

42:32

for the elderly as we enter out sooner.yeah

42:35

that's one of the readings were you know

42:37

was a weird about it is because like

42:39

Valentine's to me is so like internally linked

42:41

to you would ask the girl you had

42:43

a crush on in school you could be

42:46

your Valentine and years and so now and

42:48

then he or and then it never came

42:50

up again. Exactly So am I. Being around

42:52

time is a sweet thing that children do

42:54

and then my fucking bird miss the same

42:57

age as me that. As me to

42:59

be around front of which is

43:01

a little girl you assume that

43:03

it that. Way

43:05

to me you forget been

43:07

sick. Get outta here your

43:09

fucking birds. Oh

43:14

my god or guess is. So.

43:19

Violent that I'm at work. is it? Oh

43:27

good to be. I'm.

43:29

Just I don't know what where this

43:31

is coming. So because again, This has

43:34

been like so. I. Don't know

43:36

I have. Apparently a cultural shift is happen.

43:38

Something has happened. Ah, I'm a fuckin. As

43:40

you know a new Mehta has dropped something

43:42

and have their fans. We are now. I

43:44

any get I have no problem doing it.

43:47

I just know know where this is coming

43:49

from. Are you dating somebody? Know.

43:52

If you were, would you would you?

43:54

Would you expect them to ask you

43:57

to be your Valentine? It

44:01

would be cute though if he didn't do it.

44:03

Would you be like upset about it? And.

44:07

Also some type away but I wouldn't be like.

44:09

Really? Mad about it, but he heard

44:11

of an interesting. Than

44:14

that as a seen this is is is

44:16

this like I'm Mike. How recent?

44:19

Do feel like you've had this this like

44:21

idea if I make sense, like is it

44:23

more of a recent thing or is it

44:25

like always if you're dating somebody you expect

44:27

to be asked to be that our mind.

44:29

Adding. Is pretty decent like on as good as

44:31

own tic toc but people are more than like

44:33

to talk that there are now they were that

44:35

has a point of origin talks to like all

44:38

the guys in my the enzyme you know. They're.

44:40

There they got a six hour six as which

44:43

is mostly children. And

44:46

then the surgeon are doing. That and

44:48

then they disagree. I'm outta here out people

44:50

here, that and be like that's cute. How

44:52

can you do so for me like were

44:54

teenagers in love and El Mundo has to.

44:56

Do some are by the way m why

44:58

I'm glad I'm alone because. I

45:02

know that the cells none of. The. No matter

45:04

what I fear. And also by the

45:07

way, this is coming out on fucking

45:09

Monday. You have to fucking Bay's asshole

45:11

gonna raise a dog. Yeah, you gotta

45:13

get that shit going Dude. Yeah, I

45:16

man, Oh my God. Okay what I

45:18

feel so fucking V in the classroom

45:20

now see right? Because like I don't

45:22

like my job. My actual day job

45:25

is I am creative producer which means

45:27

where I am given parameter so work

45:29

between and then I creep. Fun entertaining

45:32

segments to fill those like pine. Slots

45:34

and parameters that I've given budget Eccentric

45:36

and so what I do is I

45:38

use producer brain to plan beads and

45:41

nice things for my partner. says it's

45:43

like it sounds city me because it

45:45

is. You and I were talking about

45:47

this but like I described the nice

45:49

things I do for my partner as

45:52

if I'm a bad scumbag. Lila the.

45:54

We. Both feel that way. Yeah, yeah, I

45:56

just like. Get this. Listen

45:58

to what she says. Yeah, yeah

46:00

store it away for later. Yeah, and then do

46:02

those nice things for ya like it's like It's

46:04

like that's like a fucking piece of shit and

46:06

you're like it's like I'm manipulating her in the

46:08

loving me Yeah, which is just

46:10

like the the fucking

46:13

Venn diagram of manipulative and considerate

46:17

Which is it? Well,

46:20

I think it comes from this idea of

46:22

like not okay, this is gonna be mean

46:24

griff. I'm so sorry Okay, I

46:26

think griff and I are the same in that

46:30

We are Sort of punching

46:32

away above our weight classes in

46:34

terms of like how hot our

46:36

partners And so

46:38

part of it is like I'm just a

46:41

silly little guy and I got a trick you

46:43

into loving me Yeah in the process. I've just

46:45

made them love me. Yeah, but in my mind.

46:47

I'm like I gotta keep being cute Oh

46:52

Oh You guys

46:54

are pandas. Yes You

46:56

guys are pandas in the sense that like

46:58

these are pandas are creatures that long for

47:00

extinction They don't

47:02

mate they eat things that are poisonous

47:04

to them Yeah, they're like but

47:06

they have done they have done the

47:08

one they have done the one thing

47:10

that is actually a useful survival tool

47:13

They have convinced humans that they are

47:15

cute. Yeah, so we keep them alive.

47:17

Yeah, you guys are pandas You

47:20

have convinced people we've fooled hot women into

47:22

loving us yeah, yeah, we got it we

47:24

nailed it that is so funny That's it

47:30

Yeah, I also like it when people dress up

47:32

like me and show me how to have I

47:50

hope the takeaway here is that you

47:53

you gotta ask them to be your

47:55

Valentine. Yeah, I grew into first boys

47:57

I swear to God. This is not

47:59

how I Saw this this part of the show

48:01

going at all I thought that I was going

48:03

to reveal this information to you guys And you

48:05

were gonna be like yeah of course

48:08

asshole you have to ask them to be

48:10

your Valentine But it's like okay.

48:12

I feel like so vindicated. I

48:14

feel like I've been going insane where I was like

48:16

Where the fuck did this come from yeah, and then

48:18

I'm telling other dudes like hey What are you doing

48:20

for Valentine's Day, and they go huh? And

48:23

I go yeah, it's like everyone's expecting you to be

48:26

Valentine You're like. I don't know I was gonna like

48:28

maybe play less fortnight than usual. I don't

48:30

know man We

48:39

can talk about it after yeah those he be

48:41

heart-shaped steak. Oh, yeah, yeah Yeah, you see those

48:43

they look horrendous. They're pretty bad out foul They

48:45

don't bow and the thing is is like it's

48:47

not a steak cut into a heart. It's clearly.

48:50

That's how it was on the No, they've read

48:52

the house to be that

48:54

way yeah exactly they put it through they put

48:56

a cow through a plate of All

49:03

right folks so fucking plan your Valentine's

49:05

Day accordingly, and I hope I swear

49:07

to God There's at least one of you

49:09

out there. That's going you just saved

49:11

my ass RTP saved one relationship And honestly

49:13

that's the best we could ask for hey

49:17

I don't know if you've been paying attention But the

49:19

news is terrible and now it's time for my favorite

49:21

segment where we turn those bad headlines into punch lines

49:23

Let's go to always on Boy

49:30

howdy, I've never felt more rested and you

49:33

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49:37

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49:39

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49:41

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49:43

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49:46

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49:48

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49:50

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49:53

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49:55

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49:57

opened the box it looked like a

49:59

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50:01

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50:03

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50:05

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50:08

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50:10

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50:12

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50:37

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50:40

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58:02

Teeth. Welcome

58:08

everybody. Man,

58:11

this is my favorite segment that we do

58:13

every single week. In case you are unfamiliar,

58:16

uh, Andrew and I are going to be participating

58:18

in a joke off. That's right. Our

58:20

circle joke where we have Griff sitting in the

58:22

middle and then both of us, uh, joke off.

58:24

That's right. I've got my joke in the lotion.

58:27

Ready to premature. Yep.

58:30

Yeah. I got to the punch line

58:32

fast. Uh, want

58:34

to listen to some music. And

58:37

so, uh, I think, uh, yeah, I'm going to

58:39

be starting this off this week. So, uh, let's

58:42

get to it. Uh,

58:44

San Mateo County in California has

58:46

become the first to declare loneliness,

58:48

a health emergency. They also urged

58:51

their governor to create a new

58:53

position titled the minister of loneliness.

58:56

And we here at RTP would like to

58:58

wish Andrew roses, a good campaign. Andrew

59:01

roses. He once got stood up because

59:03

the girl wanted to stay home and

59:05

watch WWE instead. In

59:15

other news, Andrew roses sound dead

59:17

in a ditch. Self inflicted gunshot

59:19

wound too somehow mysteriously.

59:22

Dude fucking setting up that loneliness bit earlier

59:25

in the episode. Man,

59:28

God damn it. Was

59:32

that a fucking trail of fucking gunpowder all the way back to,

59:35

okay, folks, King Charles was

59:37

diagnosed with cancer, which

59:39

is ironic since that's what the British empire

59:41

has been on the world for over 400

59:43

years. Just look up statistics on how many

59:45

people the British empire killed in 400 years.

59:48

It is wild. Oh,

59:51

all right. Universal

59:54

music group. has

1:00:00

severed ties with TikTok, removing all of

1:00:02

their artist music off of the platform.

1:00:04

In an open letter announcing the decision,

1:00:07

Universal claimed that TikTok quote, uses

1:00:09

its power to hurt vulnerable artists

1:00:11

and tries to intimidate them into

1:00:13

a bad deal that undervalues music

1:00:15

and short changes musicians and their

1:00:17

fans. Oh shit,

1:00:19

I'm sorry, that was the wrong quote. That

1:00:22

was actually a description of Universal Music Group's

1:00:24

business plan. Oh

1:00:26

fuck, my bad guys. Sorry,

1:00:28

they just they want to make sure they're

1:00:30

the only ones absolutely fucking every artist on

1:00:32

their deal. Online

1:00:35

Treehouse and Silly Goose Factory

1:00:37

roosterteeth archived its Twitter

1:00:39

or X account this week to

1:00:42

the bewilderment and wild speculation of

1:00:44

many fans, followers and talentless rubberneckers

1:00:46

alike. I'd like to say this

1:00:48

to everyone wondering what happened in the words of

1:00:50

X from the bottom of my heart, pussy

1:00:53

and bio. Oh

1:00:57

shit. Oh

1:01:10

fuck. God

1:01:14

damn it. Are you okay? Do

1:01:19

we need to end early? Blah

1:01:22

blah blah blah. A

1:01:24

porn star visiting Iran has stirred up some

1:01:26

controversy according to their Ministry of Foreign Affairs,

1:01:29

which was the title of the video she

1:01:31

was working on. The

1:01:34

visa issue and system was not aware

1:01:36

of the nature of her immoral and

1:01:38

obscene work until an unnamed source informed

1:01:41

them of who she really was. And

1:01:44

we at RTP would like to

1:01:46

wish Andrew Rosen a good campaign

1:01:48

for the position of unnamed source

1:01:50

who knows all about pornography. You

1:01:53

lonely fuck. Fucking

1:01:55

got him twice, idiot. Happy Valentine's

1:01:57

Day, you piece of shit. I

1:02:02

ran that joke by my partner before

1:02:04

this morning and they said, are you

1:02:06

actually friends with this guy? It's so funny. We

1:02:09

are best friends and I catch

1:02:11

more fucking... Not

1:02:14

even strange. No, I'm strange. No, no. Yeah.

1:02:17

These are John Wick side guns. This is

1:02:20

you walking into the... It's us hanging out.

1:02:22

You walking into the room thinking you're getting

1:02:24

made. Oh no. As I fucking cap

1:02:26

you in the back of the head. I walk

1:02:28

into every room and I see that there's plastic

1:02:30

on the floor. Yeah. Goddamn.

1:02:33

All right. Here we go. Former

1:02:36

president Donald Trump privately grimaced that he

1:02:38

is more popular than Taylor Swift and

1:02:40

his fans are more dedicated. T-dog,

1:02:43

listen. You don't want the smoke. Her

1:02:46

fans will do a January sick every

1:02:48

day if she asked them to

1:02:50

on Instagram. I like Taylor and do you

1:02:52

know how badly I wanted to write a

1:02:54

joke here about what a cringe album title

1:02:56

tortured poet department is? I want to so

1:02:59

bad, but I can't Don. No one can.

1:03:01

She's got too many shooters. Her crew's too

1:03:03

deep. She's too mobbed up. So

1:03:05

just keep making funny nicknames for the

1:03:07

other lizard people and geriatrics that run our

1:03:09

failing country and move on. It's

1:03:19

just nice to know what the next civil war is going

1:03:21

to be about. There's no longer

1:03:23

North and South. It's Swifties and Trumpers.

1:03:26

And I know absolutely who's

1:03:28

winning. Oh, yeah. Swifties by a

1:03:30

country mile. It's

1:03:32

the barbs. Nicki

1:03:35

Minaj's fans who come up from the rear. Absolutely

1:03:38

third party. All

1:03:41

right, Griff, you have had a fucking

1:03:43

time making it through this. This

1:03:47

is crawling up a mountain. I'm so sorry. Oh, you

1:03:49

almost killed me. You have to pick

1:03:51

a winner, unfortunately. Well, that

1:03:53

last joke was really funny, but

1:03:55

the continued destruction of

1:03:57

Andrew versus this person.

1:04:00

brands really fucking

1:04:02

got me so I'm gonna give it to Mondo for all

1:04:04

of his achievements. You know what's great

1:04:06

is that- He spent an hour building it. I

1:04:09

was literally telling Andrew last night as we were

1:04:11

playing Fortnite I was like yeah I was at

1:04:13

this place I'm at this cutie and I was

1:04:15

telling me you know it's just 38 and single

1:04:17

and I was like talk

1:04:19

to my boy Andrew Rosas. He's building

1:04:21

me up. He's super funny look at

1:04:23

him I'm literally scrolling through his Instagram

1:04:25

going like he's a painter like

1:04:28

he's an art deco house. And I am a

1:04:30

real bait and switch. I

1:04:34

want a piece of shit. I

1:04:36

like his slutty shirt and then you show up

1:04:38

in a fucking sweater. Thank

1:04:40

you so much for joining us.

1:04:42

For our GP I've been Armando

1:04:44

Torres. I'm Andrew Rosas. I can't

1:04:46

breathe. We'll see

1:04:48

you next week. Most of us will anyway.

1:04:51

Bye. Bye-bye. Describe

1:04:57

the show to a newcomer in a more familiar

1:05:00

way. Do you like apples? Example.

1:05:02

Together Intrepid hosts. Trevor

1:05:05

Collins. Trevor Collins, Alfredo Diaz have nothing to

1:05:07

do with this podcast. Analyze various unsolved and

1:05:10

roosterteeth cryptic podcasts. F*** face.

1:05:13

Call to action. He'll feed to

1:05:15

add something show premise specific but

1:05:17

short. Listen to show

1:05:19

name on Apple, Spotify or

1:05:22

wherever you get podcasts. It's

1:05:24

F*** Face, a podcast. Subscribe

1:05:27

or no. You do yes.