0:01

Not entirely sure how to start this. I don’t know if im supposed to begin by talking directly to you, or to me, or to someone else.

0:13

But if anyone ever picks this up, and im gone, you can call me Duncan. That’s not my real name,

0:23

it’s the one I chose for myself when I left the order. When I was forced out from the order.

0:31

I met a man once, on the side of the road that said that sometimes it helps if you make your saga

0:37

something real, something physical, something you, something you can grapple with.

0:46

And I think for the first time in my life Im realizing some of the horrible things I did. And

0:52

the kind of monster I was forced to become before I chose to become, Duncan. So lets start there,

1:02

lets start from the beginning and we’ll see if we can make some sense out of the violence.

1:08

Like most badgers, at least most badgers from where Im from.

1:13

I was chose quickly and vetted to join the iron order. It means you train,

1:19

it means you fight, it means you learn. There were two things that were beyond all shame.

1:25

There was weakness and there was disobedience. And I was neither weak, nor disloyal.

1:33

We fought constantly as children. We wrestled, we boxed, we sword fought. I once watched one of

1:40

my own mates drown another child over a toy. It was normal. If he didn’t want to drown he

1:48

should’ve been stronger. If he didn’t want to die he shouldn’t have taken the toy. Simple.

1:57

I didn’t question it, not for a long time. Not for any time almost.

2:06

It wasn’t until I met Aurora, I could write a whole diary about Aurora.

2:15

Sometimes I think a man meets someone that makes him question everything they learned.

2:23

And Aurora made me question it all. Aurora was the wife of my lord, of my commander.

2:33

To feel the things I was feeling was shameful to begin with.

2:38

To follow up on those feelings, now that was a betrayal most foul. It was one that made them,

2:46

and made me, something I had never been before. And this will be the second entry.

2:54

Im not entirely positive what I was supposed to say but, we’ll pick up from here I suppose.

3:02

I tried, a few times, to write down how I felt about Aurora. I tried to describe her in the

3:08

pages. I tried to write about it and I couldn’t. I ripped most of em up. If youre reading this still

3:17

youns can see the perforations where I tore the pages out. I ground most em into dust.

3:24

Burned the others. Think I threw one into a river I am not entirely sure which one.

3:30

So we’ll just pick up with the thing I can talk about. Which is what happens after Aurora.

3:37

Yeah. That’s a good name for it. After Aurora. There was a me before her and a me after her.

3:44

And a me, after I walked away from her.

3:50

The lordship knew he couldn’t get rid of me, not easily at least. He could have sent his assassins

3:55

but than he would’ve lost several good men. He could’ve disgraced me in front of the command, but

4:01

than he would have lost a good field commander. If theres one thing the Iron Orders always good at

4:08

its making sure nothing goes to waste. So he decided he was going to send me on a mission.

4:16

I took a contingent of my soldiers and I marked to a clearing. Three clearings were supposed to

4:23

be subdued but we were going to start with the first. A massive clearing full of squirrels,

4:29

little red ones too, the vicious bastards. The kind that eat more meat than they do acorns.

4:37

They had built a great citadel in the trees, a series of rooftop bridges and rope swings.

4:44

They could’ve rained down death on us and it would’ve been easy. On top of that, they

4:49

built a network of underground tunnels; to bring supplies in and out of the clearing as needed.

4:56

I could’ve had an army four times the size of the force I brought and I would’ve lost.

5:02

So we didn’t fight them. We have a saying in the Iron Order. If you find yourself in a fair fight,

5:11

hang your tactician. It was the dry season. And I had my men construct a trench 20 feet deep

5:19

and out of damp earth. And I had us set up with shields and crossbows

5:24

about a half-mile long in a line. And than I sent my spastic, sneakiest little bastards

5:30

to the other side of the clearing. And I had em torch it. I had em fan the flames.

5:40

Its not easy to bring in water through those small tunnels. Its not easy to climb down

5:46

from your treetop fortress to bring water to douse your home as its going up in flames.

5:54

Those that didn’t succumb to the smoke or the fire ran screaming straight out toward our line.

6:02

And if they didn’t get cut down by the crossbows, they fell into that damp trench,

6:08

and died there. And when it was all said and done,

6:13

and there wasn’t a single of them left standing. I sent a single badger into the center of that

6:19

clearing and I had him climb on top of a mound of bones and ash and I had him plant a flag.

6:27

The other two clearing surrendered. From that point on it was a series of smaller mission.

6:37

A series of ideas to try and get me out of my position. He didn’t have to try very hard.

6:45

I kept telling myself that what I had done in that clearing I had done to get back to Aurora.

6:52

The truth is that was selfishness. I did it for me.

6:58

Soldiers have to die, that’s fine. But I had killed innocents. There had to have been at

7:04

least one or two good souls amongst those squirrels, I have convinced myself of that.

7:10

And even the soldiers didn’t deserve to die in the ways they did.

7:15

I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving, it would’ve been harder

7:20

I think. They would have tried to stop me, kill me, take the armor from my back.

7:25

I left my sword, don’t need a sword anymore. But I kept the armor. I had earned the armor I think.

7:35

It’s a good reminder at the very least of what I was once, of what I could might still become.

7:44

Im ashamed to admit I did one more thing that I regret.

7:49

I stole a woodcutters axe from the first homestead I found that night. Tore it right from the stump.

7:57

A knight should have a weapon, and I figured an axe wouldn’t be nearly as bad.

8:03

I was carrying the same sword I had carried for so many years.

8:08

It’s a simple weapon, and I would endeavor to live a simple life.

8:17

This is the third entry in my ramblings,

8:21

think it may be my last. I think Ive worked through it for the most part.

8:28

I met a man today on the side of the road, it’s a, another badger. A

8:37

blind one. Its crazy to meet a blind badger. In the iron order wed have cast him out at birth

8:46

but there he was. Sitting on a tree stump soaking in the sun like a plank.

8:53

Recognized me by my scent, recognized me by the smell of steel.

9:01

Something on his face told me I think he knew exactly what I was,

9:05

where Id come from but he didn’t ask any questions. He just talked to me for awhile.

9:17

Told me sometimes it was easier to write down your saga. Might be simpler to face it that way. And

9:26

he made me soup. The end of the night I asked him what his name was,

9:34

and he told me it was Duncan. I said that’s a good name.

9:41

And he said you can have it, seems like you might need a good name.

9:49

I think that’s the first gift Ive ever been given out of kindness, it’s a good name.

9:58

And Im gonna do everything in my power to make sure I don’t disgrace it. Im gonna stop writing

10:06

for awhile I think. Ill see if theres more I can add to this, after Ive done something worth doing.

10:14

After Ive become a man worth being. But if you find this on a metal corpse,

10:22

just know that I tried my best, know that Im sorry.