0:02

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ah,

0:06

you're home. Looks like you caught

0:08

me changing your bed sheets. Well,

0:12

most front door locks are hardly impermeable.

0:14

A false sense of security, really. Why

0:17

am I here changing your sheets? Well,

0:20

when I saw you at the dog track,

0:22

I noticed that your skin is looking, well,

0:25

riddled with grease and acne. And

0:28

I thought that poor bookie down at Rusty

0:30

River's Greyhound Raceway is probably sleeping on traditional

0:32

bed sheets that harbor more bacteria than a

0:34

toilet seat. So I

0:36

decided to surprise you with some

0:38

self-cleaning bedding from MiracleMade. They're

0:41

infused with silver that prevents up to 99.7% of bacteria

0:43

and require three times less laundry. So

0:47

no more gross odors and I

0:50

know where you live because I followed

0:52

you home after your shift last week.

0:54

Now pay attention. Stop sleeping on bacteria.

0:56

It'll clog your pores and cause breakouts.

0:59

Sleep clean with MiracleMade. They use

1:01

silver-infused fabrics inspired by NASA to

1:03

keep you at the perfect temperature

1:05

all night long. So get better

1:07

sleep every night and they

1:09

feel nicer than sheets used by some

1:11

five-star hotels but without the high price

1:13

tag. So the next time you're at

1:15

work and take my bets for the

1:17

swiftest greyhound of the day, you'll be

1:19

well-rested enough to finally give me a

1:21

little smile and a thanks for all

1:24

the money I spent there. Go to

1:26

trymiracle.com/rude tales to try MiracleMade sheets today. And

1:28

whether you're buying them for yourself or as a gift for

1:30

a loved one, if you order today, you can save over

1:32

40%. And if you use our

1:34

promo Rude Tales at checkout, you'll get three free towels

1:36

and save an extra 20%. Miracle

1:38

is so confident in their product, it's backed with

1:40

a 30-day money-back guarantee. So if you aren't 100%

1:43

satisfied, you'll get a full refund. Upgrade

1:45

your sleep with MiracleMade. Go to trymiracle.com/rude

1:47

tales and use the code Rude Tales

1:49

to claim your free three-piece towel set

1:51

and save over 40% off. Again,

1:54

that's trymiracle.com/rude tales to treat

1:57

yourself. Thank you, MiracleMade, for

1:59

sponsoring me. this episode. Okay,

2:02

okay, I'm leaving, but you'll never find where

2:04

my wife is hiding in here! Ha

2:06

ha ha ha ha ha! Hello,

2:09

you nasty little piss pigs!

2:12

Back to the graveyard, are we? Couldn't

2:14

get enough of your rude tales of

2:17

magic tricks, eh? Well, that's fine by

2:19

me. I could

2:21

use the company. I'm a

2:23

lone puppet-like creature chained to

2:25

a gut magazine in a

2:27

graveyard. I could use

2:29

all the companionship I can get!

2:32

All I have are these ravens that pluck out

2:34

my organs. Some friends. Oh,

2:37

I shouldn't judge, though. It's not like

2:39

I've never eaten the organs of a man

2:41

chained to a magazine. I was quite

2:43

a fixture of the 80s underground scene I'll

2:46

have you know. Under the

2:48

earth, that is. Where am I going with

2:50

this rift? Who cares? Rude

2:52

tales of magic! Weird

2:54

types in piss harbor! Wow,

2:58

thank you, grave freaker. Yeah! It's

3:01

a piss harbor! Yeah, thanks harbor! I sure

3:03

see them in the same room! Well,

3:10

the grave freaker wears glasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

3:13

Thank you, grave freaker! Yes, piss harbor! The

3:16

town that Cordelia today voted most

3:19

likely to break your damn heart,

3:21

baby. It's a town

3:23

of crime and grime. Broken

3:25

laws and smoking bras due

3:28

to a large population of second wave

3:30

feminists, most of whom live

3:32

in Sinumtown. But we're not in

3:35

Sinumtown right now. No, our

3:37

camera is pushing through the Blade

3:40

Runner levels of smoke and fog

3:42

into the soaking wet streets and

3:45

slashing me on signs of porno

3:47

square, the beating heart of the

3:49

harbor. If this

3:51

is the beating heart, then piss harbor

3:53

is a two-pack a day smoking because,

3:56

baby, this is one clean label hole.

4:00

The lead hustler's push the

4:02

latest and most fashionable drug,

4:04

while sign after sign advertises

4:07

24-hour beauty shows like Dude's

4:09

Control or Up With People.

4:13

A two-story-tall neon sign of an

4:15

elf in a negligee with

4:17

a beehive hairdoost oscillates between its two

4:19

neon poses as it blows a

4:21

kiss to you. The listener, wow,

4:23

next to it is a

4:25

martini for Admiral Weiner's R-rated

4:27

movie. Look, they're

4:30

showing murder my husband erotically.

4:33

You drift in past an orc

4:35

usher in a little red cap

4:37

to the single-screen theater. The

4:39

air is thick with cigarette smoke

4:41

as flickering images spurt out onto

4:43

the screen from the projector room.

4:45

A single kenku stuffed to

4:48

the brim with pixies gives descriptions of

4:50

the movie so vivid that

4:52

we see them in Vinegar Syndrome

4:54

Stains 35mm Clarity up on the

4:57

screen. Wow, what a world of

4:59

magic. A woman with large hair

5:01

stands on a balcony and holds a gun

5:03

at the screen. You know

5:05

how to whistle, don't you? Just put your

5:07

lips together and blow. Like this.

5:12

Well, I was hoping you could teach me. Down

5:16

below, the orc usher walks down

5:18

the aisle with a pixie-ass flashlight

5:20

looking for somebody. Waleed,

5:23

who exactly is he looking

5:25

for? Well, he's

5:27

looking for Timmy and Tommy.

5:29

I'm a real

5:31

adult. A real,

5:34

live adult. I'm

5:36

about six feet tall or two, three

5:38

feet tall, however you want to consider

5:40

it. And then

5:42

I also got glasses and

5:45

a big glaustral mox nose mustache

5:48

and eyebrows. And

5:50

I got a hat that's way too

5:52

big for my frickin' head. The

5:54

orc usher, he looks like a

5:57

little girl. with

6:00

his flashlight. He sees people, they're asleep in

6:02

the theater, they're making out of this in

6:04

the seats. This doesn't bother him at all

6:07

until finally his flashlight. Timmy,

6:10

it's on you. Timmy,

6:12

what do you do? And he says, wait a second.

6:15

Where's your ticket? It's right

6:17

here. So I pay for

6:19

it on the counter. Here you go. He

6:21

looks at your ticket and he eyes it suspiciously. He

6:23

goes, let's see that ID. Oh

6:26

yes, of course. Let me dig

6:28

down into my trench coat and

6:31

well, here you go.

6:33

That's me and my face. Something

6:36

stinks here. And he tears the ID

6:38

in half and he starts pounding his

6:41

fist. And he says, your ass is

6:43

grass kid. This is an R rated

6:45

movie. I

6:50

don't think so. And he

6:52

winds up and he's going to take a

6:54

huge swing at you. He's going to make

6:56

an attack roll at you.

6:58

Oh no. This is a

7:00

short guest appearance. Yeah. Unfortunately

7:03

though, he gets a two.

7:05

Okay. Or fortunately, I'm actually looking forward

7:07

to having you on the show. Well,

7:09

thank you. I appreciate that. It's nice

7:12

to be here. I'm just so empathetic.

7:14

Even this oric I feel for him.

7:16

And he whips it and he falls.

7:18

He says, oh boy, when I stand

7:20

up, I'm going to really kill you

7:22

for watching an R rated movie. Okay.

7:24

I guess I'll just see myself. And

7:27

then Jimmy stands up as awkwardly as

7:29

you've ever seen a human being stand

7:31

up and shuffles unbalanceably

7:33

out of the theater. The

7:36

oric tries to stand up, but there's so much gum

7:38

stuck to the bottom of the floor. He has to

7:40

make a strength roll to see if he can get

7:42

up. Got

7:44

a roll heavy show going on here. Well,

7:47

uh, I don't know. Listers might've noticed we

7:49

want to run a pretty tight ship when

7:51

it comes to being this guy. However, he

7:53

rolls a six. So he stretches and he

7:55

gets almost all the way up. But there's

7:57

this like a, this thin membrane of gum.

7:59

and it just slams it back down to the

8:01

ground. Not today, orc. Giving you

8:04

just enough time to wobble out of

8:06

the theater out into the night.

8:09

We cut now to the brand

8:11

new Moonlight Value Bounties headquarters in

8:14

the break room of the O'Reilly

8:16

Auto Parts on De Palma Boulevard

8:18

between Sherman and Hauser. A

8:21

statuesque, half-elf, half-orc woman with

8:23

enormous raven hair addresses a

8:25

group of bounty hunters. Hey

8:27

guys, thanks for meeting me here

8:30

on such short notice. We had

8:32

a last minute bounty come in. Frankly,

8:34

this is one of the lower bounties,

8:37

lower reward bounties we've ever gotten. It's only

8:39

about 800 gold, but

8:41

frankly, you guys could use

8:43

the money after blowing your last bounty

8:46

so badly. I did the math and

8:48

that's 200 gold for each of you.

8:50

For what I can assure you will

8:52

be the easiest bounty of your lives.

8:55

Your target is Timmy N.

8:57

Tommy. And at that she hands

8:59

out photo copies of a Boardwalk

9:01

caricature. The subject of the caricature

9:03

looks to be a little boy with

9:05

big ears, freckles, and glasses connected to

9:07

what looks to be a fake nose

9:09

and mustache with big eyebrows. He wears

9:11

an enormous fedora and a trench coat.

9:14

He stands about two children tall. Uh,

9:16

he posed for this caricature last week

9:19

before going to the Blow Trunks Express

9:21

roller coaster down by the Boardwalk. The

9:24

caricature artist has drawn him surfing

9:26

here, but no eyewitness reports corroborate

9:28

him to be any sort of

9:30

surfer. I tried to contact the

9:32

caricature artist, but nobody can find

9:34

them. This seems to be

9:37

a pretty obvious case of two kids in

9:39

a trench coat posing as an adult man.

9:42

They've been sneaking into R-rated movies

9:44

and running up astronomical tabs in

9:46

the Candy and Ice Cream District.

9:49

The bounty actually came in from Franco

9:53

Neapolitan, the owner of

9:55

Neapolitan's Vanilla, Chocolate, and

9:57

Strawberry Emporium. He's a good

9:59

man. Iran and he's worried for these

10:01

kids. Safety is worried that they're gonna

10:04

be lured into even more dangerous than

10:06

illicit activities If they are. Stop soon.

10:08

We need you to find these kids

10:11

and bring them in before they get

10:13

themselves into actual danger. Auto know, maybe

10:15

offer them a lollipop or something new.

10:18

I'm looking at you and I say

10:20

this next part this is one where

10:22

you're gonna need to bring them in,

10:24

allies or of our show will be

10:27

getting angry emails every question. Can I

10:29

bring the man that. I'm now now.

10:31

Quests and always. Who is this? Neil?

10:33

Who is the describe who's asking? this?

10:36

Well as thank you for asking. Neil

10:38

standing by that coffee maker

10:41

in the garage is a

10:43

gargoyle. She says about three

10:45

four feet tall and that

10:47

she is a of immaculate

10:49

beautiful grey stone that speaks

10:52

to the high quality of

10:54

the chapel she once and

10:56

settled for and that she

10:58

has scratches all over her

11:00

stone that look like tattoos.

11:03

From. The wayward children who made it

11:05

up onto the roof Low: three or

11:07

four feet tall. That's almost one half

11:10

of Timmy and Tommy. Tall. Interesting. interesting

11:12

going for it. Yes,

11:14

that's a lot of positive records that

11:17

oh sorry I was. I got third

11:19

where the description closer course you knew.

11:21

I rescinded it. I think I understand the

11:24

parameters. now. now that I understand their children,

11:26

I would simply never kill them. Children are

11:28

innocent. Oh great. We got

11:30

time for three more questions. I'm

11:32

sorry ago I have to. These

11:35

kids have a loving family. Are

11:37

they looking for a new type

11:39

of arrangement? A new type of

11:41

file family? Who's asking this question?

11:44

Tim Gray Question: Branson This is

11:46

Tommy Whistle or Frogman. Potentially Life

11:48

Who is a cowboy excluding his

11:50

cowboy boots, holster, bow tie and

11:53

cowboy hat. By last episode I

11:55

accidentally said was sleep. He told

11:57

his naked. Oh yes. Australis. I

11:59

should. That's mostly agree.

12:01

A good question. We have been

12:03

unable to find out he sets

12:05

of parents of for these kids

12:07

are So far there's there are

12:10

the Norm de Plume there earlier

12:12

so of to me and Tommy

12:14

seems to be oh we can't

12:16

We can't figure it. We can't

12:18

crack it. We don't know who

12:20

these kids off at this point

12:22

in fantasy history. We don't have

12:24

a face recognizing technology that would

12:26

allow us to identify who this

12:29

kid or these. Kids. Are

12:31

so no. no family has been

12:33

identified. We don't know where they're

12:35

from. Once again, where we are

12:37

in history confounds my ambitions. Don't

12:39

worry, we'll find these kinds of

12:41

bring him back home. For. Interest.

12:45

Ah, Not. A

12:47

question so much as a tell me.

12:50

That. Comes from a tall,

12:53

wide, dense sent our to

12:55

looks ready to be your

12:57

widows next husband if you

12:59

stare too long as his

13:02

keys. With that I know,

13:04

radiant entanglement of flowers, sealed

13:06

frame sunglasses and little else.

13:09

It's Johnson Large is absolutely

13:11

drives me coconuts and insanity.

13:13

The idea that a child

13:16

might learn so much from

13:18

the world's by watching are

13:20

rated. Movies instead of.

13:23

Growing to the appropriate age to

13:25

our relationships and sex with us

13:27

consenting loving partner and killing a

13:29

man with our own hands non

13:31

consensual eat by a hated enemy

13:34

we got to get help these

13:36

kids out for her. So much

13:38

stronger than large obviously because I

13:40

was a comment or not a

13:42

courses or don't know them for

13:44

you have already. Here's a question

13:47

may moving Are you doing these

13:49

days? From do a great the

13:51

to hosts have sexual tension. Another

13:54

cool All right.

13:57

I thought you were dating moose? oh was

13:59

i was established in a previous episode? I'm

14:01

a modern woman I can have sexual attention

14:03

with whoever I want. Neil, you're on the

14:06

wrong side of history for this one although

14:08

you said here here so never mind. I

14:10

was simply pointing it out I wasn't judging it although

14:12

my intonation was- No, you were right to remind me.

14:15

I did forget. Neil,

14:17

we don't have tension. We

14:20

have history. It's a little different. But

14:23

it doesn't surprise me that a statue would

14:25

get that wrong. Moose, I

14:27

don't want to hear it. And I want to hear you messing

14:29

my name up around these streets.

14:31

Jill, who is who is this

14:34

Moose character who's got such a

14:36

problem with Neil the gargoyle? Imagine

14:38

it's 1987 and you're

14:40

Don Johnson. Oh, Don.

14:42

And you're smushed down to three

14:44

feet for compact portability.

14:46

Well, I don't mind if I do. Then

14:49

we're talking Moose, baby. The smoothest dwarf

14:51

in the streets of this harbor. He

14:53

knows all the angles, he knows all

14:56

the corners, and he's never met a

14:58

sleeve he hasn't rolled up. Joe is

15:00

playing to the the silent majority of our

15:02

listeners who have a Don Johnson crush fetish.

15:08

Sturring the sweeping giant. We

15:11

put Don Johnson in a hydraulic

15:13

press. Right before he passed away

15:16

we took him out. Moose

15:19

turns away. Sometimes

15:22

it feels like there ain't no

15:24

one in this town that I don't have history with.

15:26

But yeah, we'll find these kids. Okay,

15:28

great. Get them, get them

15:30

move on, okay? There's a lot of flammable liquids

15:32

here in this in this break room and I'm

15:34

worried something's gonna get knocked over and we're gonna

15:37

start a fire in here. I

15:39

do have a question. Okay. Didn't we all push

15:41

the envelope a little when we were kids? Is

15:43

it really so wrong if one,

15:46

maybe two, maybe even three

15:48

children are seeing something a

15:50

little past their comfort zone? Who

15:53

are we to judge? We're not here to judge. Oh good.

15:55

We're not here. If the kid wants to watch all rated

15:57

movies at home, during the day, we're gonna have to go.

16:00

In a sleep over which is

16:02

developmentally normal Really? every day me

16:04

a fucking to didn't do that

16:06

that are did hundred. For.

16:08

You know otherwise like are allowed to do this

16:10

stuff is just you guys are here to. There

16:12

was a bounty on this kid. Okay

16:15

of the kid wants to steal candy and

16:17

watch R rated movies. That's fine by me.

16:19

You're just there to protect this kid. This

16:21

kid's gonna get themselves into a are super

16:24

trouble them I want up dead because you

16:26

just need to bring them off the streets.

16:28

Favourite Maybelline will maybe. Maybe.

16:31

We'll discuss the particulars over dinner sometime.

16:33

Pol Pot Love that because we have

16:35

a history. She looks a jonathan large

16:37

and we have a future. She looks

16:39

itami whistle. Get outta here. About

16:43

a mile and ladders have.

16:46

Come. On friends let's go save a

16:48

family. Moose Moose

16:50

is going to light a match

16:52

and light a cigarette and and

16:54

then he he waves the match

16:56

to put it out and throws

16:58

it to the ground. It goes

17:00

out and eight hits the ground

17:02

harmlessly, but it hits it up

17:04

with at such a high velocity

17:07

that it explodes. Or

17:09

eating at a silos and sold his

17:11

clothes. It's all of this is fluid

17:13

and was that Elisa for enough a

17:15

starts to. Explode. That

17:22

are, we don't run, he was

17:24

headed. very cool and we're all

17:26

in one flatline of walking away.

17:29

V as I call it all.

17:31

Free plays his truck away fine

17:33

Chanterie. Maybelline

17:36

explosive the headquarters. For.

17:42

Us to listen gang. i

17:44

know there's only one place we gotta

17:46

stop first and we're going to smash

17:48

cut to the ice cream and candy

17:50

district you are you find yourself the

17:53

ice cream and sandy district us everywhere

17:55

you look ah there's there's ice cream

17:57

stores there's little arcade sir sandy stores

18:00

If it's at the top of the food pyramid, if

18:02

it's all the eat sparingly, this

18:04

is the original name of the town

18:06

was the eat sparingly district. You

18:10

find yourself here. Everything's brightly colored.

18:12

There's neon signs at much lower

18:14

eye levels. This place seems designed

18:17

to lure in children.

18:20

Where do you want to go? Branson, is there...

18:23

I think Tommy Lissl is looking for one

18:25

of the more responsible owners of shop to

18:27

one of the more responsible shopkeeps. So I'm

18:29

gonna ask, are there any candy

18:32

nut stands? Candy

18:34

nut stands? Yeah, because in my opinion, those

18:36

who do the candy nuts are the most

18:38

responsible of the candy

18:40

purveyors. Of course, Tim. The world

18:43

bends to the whims of

18:45

whatever insane thing you privately believe. There

18:48

is a... yeah. You find

18:51

a candy nuts and homework help

18:53

store. It's run

18:55

by Michigan J. Responsible. Before

18:58

he takes a step forward, Moose

19:01

is gonna put a hand on Tommy Lissl's shoulder.

19:04

He's gonna say, Tommy, you gotta watch out.

19:06

Look right down that street. And

19:08

Moose points down the alley past

19:10

the nut candy and homework help

19:13

store. He says, that way leaves

19:15

you right into dentist town. In

19:17

these two neighborhoods, they're like

19:19

oil and water. You do not

19:21

want to step too far. You see

19:23

snapping dentists leaning on lampposts and like

19:25

flipping coins. They've

19:27

got really surly expressions on. They smile

19:30

at you. Their teeth are just like

19:32

blindingly white and clean. Tommy Lissl puts

19:34

his hand on his revolver. If it

19:36

comes to it, I'll kill him. I'll

19:38

kill the man with the little hooks

19:40

that they put around our teeth. And

19:43

I'll do it gladly. But first, candy

19:45

nuts. We

19:47

zoom in on Tommy Lissl's gun and

19:49

there's a written on it. Are

19:52

the words, this gun kills dentists. There's

19:57

like tally marks for different dentists that he's

19:59

killed. I just wear any will

20:01

Listen Election Freebie backstory but why it's more

20:03

and it's kind of motivated but we'll get

20:05

a different episodes t us saunters over more

20:07

than one we are tied up up up

20:09

up up. I Will is not a robot

20:11

or the Not man. okay you said he

20:13

saw their over to the Not Man and

20:16

you see a tiny little human sharp teeth

20:18

with the long white dress shirt with like

20:20

be arm bands. Around. Them that

20:22

like all time ragtime piano player

20:24

says he's putting a going out

20:26

of business any day now side

20:28

in the window sadly outbid. Oh

20:30

there. He

20:34

looks at you that's not good

20:36

food seems these days all children

20:38

one is ice cream and candies

20:40

with no not in them little

20:43

won't help with their homework, they

20:45

want to pursue their homework or

20:47

you can even so account enough

20:49

to us cream shops looking. For

20:51

fun things to bullet of the

20:53

ice cream I've tried dining room

20:56

for this saddens me but I'm

20:58

I hear the voice a sad

21:00

story even though I watch videos

21:02

that door ago. the reminds me

21:04

our all that Aliens well I'm

21:06

here. The as you seen any

21:08

chills walk around pretending to be

21:10

adult. Children. Walking around

21:12

pretending to be a job where

21:15

the only thing I've seen around

21:17

these parts are children not coming

21:19

into my store and also my

21:22

old partner Diego. Homework.

21:26

Via he's when he sees died sake

21:28

of homework he the had by. Oh

21:31

yes I was visited by him last

21:33

night of well how's ago did you

21:35

reconnect and talk about Palms I was

21:38

that I got my own story anyway.

21:40

suppose we did. but you know that

21:42

the chains we'd we were in death.

21:45

We ford's in life that I is

21:47

ponderous trade have been told. This

21:49

is a riff without a light at the end of

21:51

the total What? i'm

21:54

looking for a kid named simeon

21:57

tommy about six feet tall that's

21:59

three times If you

22:01

want to check my homework on that he

22:03

he pulls up an envelope and does some

22:05

math on the backup And he goes my

22:07

god it checks out. Thank you, and he

22:09

flicks a little uh 25 cent gold Coin

22:13

to him as a thank you for helping him check his

22:15

homework For

22:19

minutes and then he flicks a second a

22:21

second one goes and I'll take some of

22:23

those candid cashews Oh good goodie goodie, and

22:26

he blows dust off of the the candied

22:28

cashews and hands them to you Would

22:30

you like an individually wrapped where there's

22:32

a region? What yeah, damn fuck yeah

22:34

do that do that do that sir

22:36

he also then opens his revolver takes

22:38

out all the bullets and puts them

22:40

as a Other his

22:42

pocket in this holster and he puts

22:45

the candied cashews in the revolver spinning

22:47

it slamming it shut shooting into the

22:49

alley a warning shot Candied

22:54

cashew into the alley and

22:57

you hear the dentist Say

23:00

a warning shot this guy means business. I

23:02

was hoping for a scurrying But

23:05

you can I've learned a scurrying the only comes

23:07

when you don't want it to come. Do you

23:09

need anything else? Oh? Friends

23:12

what you think any more questions mooch is

23:15

outside feels not there Wow

23:18

the friends you made reference to weren't even

23:20

in the store were they you went from

23:22

being normal to being an idiot I

23:25

have learned that horses are not

23:27

welcome indoors Well,

23:29

I guess I'll walk through this open door. I've

23:31

been holding open the whole time Thank

23:35

you, sir, and I hope you're still around by

23:37

the time I come back. I love candid nuts

23:40

I hope I am too he

23:42

eyes the sign in his window and he

23:44

shakes his head and says the times They

23:46

are a changing the camera blows past

23:48

his shoulder through the glass and up to

23:50

the rooftop of the ice cream joint where

23:53

Neil is sitting with his feet dangling off

23:55

the edge like kicking them happily and she

23:59

has a like a swirl cone and

24:01

her tiny vanity wings are

24:03

like doo doo doo doo like

24:05

so excited because she loves

24:07

ice cream. Tommy flicks up the

24:09

withers up to her hand. She

24:12

grabs it. That's yours, baby.

24:16

Thanks, baby. So

24:19

I've got this great vantage point and I

24:21

thought maybe I could look around from here. Yeah, I

24:23

think you should make a perception roll for me.

24:25

I think you're right. I think you're right.

24:27

I got a 19 plus 4. I

24:30

got a 23. I checked

24:32

the back of an envelope. It's

24:34

remarkable. Mathematicians on my show.

24:38

You've got a 23. So

24:41

where are you looking and what are you

24:44

looking for? And I'll tell you exactly what

24:46

you see. Okay, she's enjoying the swirl cone

24:48

as a way of like re-engaging

24:50

with sort of a childish spirit.

24:53

And by doing that sort of like

24:55

scanning and basically like almost

24:58

as if she's a robot, it's like human or you

25:00

know like robot. But in this case, it's

25:02

like child, adult, child, adult. Right.

25:05

It's like the Terminator view. Yeah.

25:09

And you know what? You get a little bit

25:11

of the predator heat vision in there too for

25:13

the fire roll. So you

25:15

can see it's like it's horrible blues

25:17

and greens for adults and then just

25:20

like bright red for kids. This

25:22

place is crawling with kids.

25:25

But you do see a lot of

25:27

commotion coming from gumballs forever.

25:30

Okay. It seems like there's like maybe

25:32

there's like a fight going on in

25:34

there. Somebody's screaming. There's a lot of

25:36

kids running from there. Hoping that

25:38

Tommy Whistle still has his eyes up

25:40

on her. She whistles at

25:43

him and then sort of like puts

25:45

your fingers together and like double points

25:47

them at the gumball place as if

25:49

to say move out. He mimics a gesture

25:51

back to her to let her know that he

25:53

has seen it and he is following suit. He

25:56

starts walking towards the gumball place. She's

25:58

going by rooftop. Timmy

30:00

and Tommy talk outside. Oh, yeah,

30:02

take that sir And then

30:04

Timmy and Tommy goes and as he's like wobbling

30:07

out of the store He's like grabbing gumballs left

30:09

and right and shoving them into his trashcoat pocket.

30:11

Oh Powerless.

30:14

Oh my gosh. Oh

30:16

my god. Thank you. So I appreciate all your

30:18

help. Wait, how the heck you know my name

30:20

Well, that's the fun. Yeah, how do you know

30:22

his name? Yeah, how do you know my name?

30:26

Jonathan We we

30:28

were hired we were hired by

30:30

your Parents. Yeah, that's

30:32

it. My parents. My parents are

30:34

dead. Oh You

30:36

think this tall man is the

30:38

kid that indeed I do look

30:41

at him He's six feet tall

30:43

the in-between part don't seem completely

30:45

attached as if foot was resting

30:47

upon Shoulder and

30:50

it's pretty hot outside. Why would you

30:52

want to wear a and she? Steps

30:55

up and like grabs the buttons on

30:57

the trench coat So

31:03

you rip the trench coat open yeah Neil

31:06

can you make a strength roll for me

31:09

and it's not gonna be tough. It's a

31:11

trench coat Oh, I got a 10 you

31:13

got a 10. Yeah, you had to beat

31:16

a 2 with the trench coat trench coat

31:18

rips open Is

31:25

it no what you see

31:27

is a deformed body Who

31:34

has two tiny little legs and in the

31:36

middle of the six feet is a large

31:38

bulbous bump that is his stomach belly

31:41

area And

31:43

yeah connected to you know a

31:45

little tiny. Well, it looks like a kid's head. Oh,

31:47

no Oh Neil

31:50

shoves the trench coat back together and takes a

31:52

big step back. Oh geez. Sorry Neil

31:54

Neil What's wrong show us the other

31:56

child you have to look for yourself Okay

32:00

No please don't! Please don't!

32:03

Moose ignores the pleas of what he

32:05

believes to be this child and reopens

32:07

the trench coat. Oh!

32:10

Hey, um, are you

32:12

clothed underneath? Yeah, I- yeah, Timmy

32:14

and Tommy is wearing like, uh... Okay, great, great, great,

32:16

great. Yeah, he's wearing like long johns underneath. I

32:19

see! Hmm... So

32:21

sorry, sir! And Moose

32:24

closes- Moose closes the trench coat

32:26

and buttons it. I thought you

32:28

guys were nice! You guys helped me only

32:30

seconds ago and now you're stripping me in

32:32

public in front of all these kids! What

32:35

the heck?! Hey, hey, hey,

32:37

calm yourself, calm yourself, calm- We may

32:39

have been under a false assumption about

32:41

you being two children, but still, we

32:44

are required to get you out of

32:46

here right now. Okay, well

32:48

I don't know if- I don't know if I want

32:50

to spend time around you guys. Why not? We're fun.

32:52

We're pretty fun. You guys are fun? Yeah, we're fun.

32:54

Like, what kind of stuff would you guys

32:56

like to do? Like buy alcohol and rent

32:58

cars and see movies and stuff? Well, you

33:00

talk like that, it- You know,

33:03

it's so sound like you can admit that

33:05

that sounds childish, right? And we're not crazy

33:07

to assume when someone says that. Don't you

33:10

guys like to like, vote

33:12

and get to Afton and stuff? Yeah,

33:14

we love to vote. I kind of liked

33:16

getting my Costco card. Oh man, I gotta

33:18

try that. I have a driver's license. Let

33:20

me just get the list of

33:22

what is canon in the world up and add

33:24

Costco to that. Oh

33:27

discount. Why not? I

33:30

gotta get rid of Sam's club now. I

33:33

support it. So now what do we do? The

33:36

bounty was to bring in a child. Two child,

33:38

in fact. And now we have one not child.

33:40

Yeah. Another failed bounty. We don't keep

33:42

looking for the child.

33:45

Oh, his name. Right. He

33:47

said that was his name. Okay.

33:49

Yeah, my name is Timmy and Tommy. But

33:53

if he's only one individual, are we gonna get

33:55

half the money? That's not very much money. Don't

33:57

turn me in. I didn't do nothing wrong. It's

34:00

not my fault, none of these people take my credit cards

34:02

and stuff. They think I'm

34:04

lying and stuff. I don't really get it.

34:06

You don't? You don't? Have

34:08

you tried to affect a more mature attitude?

34:10

What do you mean? Like kind of

34:12

how I do, you know? And Moo sort of

34:14

like does a little strut around in a very

34:17

like adult way. You're, I mean,

34:19

you're only like half my height. I'm way more

34:21

adult than you are. Maybe we should do an

34:23

adult off. Yay! You want

34:25

to? You would lose, my friend.

34:27

You would lose. The kids around

34:30

you begin cheering, adults off, adults

34:32

off, adults. They say gabbo, gabbo,

34:34

gabbo, gab. They have their primitive

34:36

child culture. You've called for an

34:39

adult off and they want to make this happen. Okay,

34:41

and working the crowd, Moose is going

34:43

to start to, he does another bit of

34:45

a strut and he sort of like, he

34:47

throws open his suit jacket

34:49

that he's wearing in

34:52

sort of a flourish. And as he does

34:54

in the same smooth movement, he's going to

34:56

whip out a checkbook. And

34:58

then he grabs a pen and he quickly

35:00

balances it. Oh my god, the kids don't

35:03

even totally understand what's going on here. Make

35:05

a charisma roll. Branson, it's my

35:07

lucky number tonight. That's a 12. 12?

35:11

That's pretty, do you have any modifiers? No, you have a

35:13

pretty high charisma. I added a modifier. Oh, you added a

35:15

modifier. I have a very good modifier and I came up

35:17

to a 12. You,

35:19

so what the kids are doing

35:21

right now is they're like, they're

35:23

pretty impressed. They can tell that

35:25

those are adult signifiers, but they

35:28

really just don't know what balancing

35:30

a checkbook means. That means very,

35:32

that's very abstract to children. And

35:34

so they make a noise like,

35:36

oh, you know, we've

35:39

seen our parents do things like that. Okay,

35:41

Michael, I'm going to show you. And

35:44

first of all, what Timmy does is he reaches

35:47

into his trench coat and he chucks

35:49

the gumballs at all the kids just to get them on

35:51

his side. They love that.

35:55

And then he also reaches into his pocket

35:57

and drop his wallet on the ground. He

36:00

starts to bend over and then

36:03

he's like, Oh, my back, my

36:05

freaking back hoods. Oh

36:08

my God, my back hoods

36:10

so much. So not only

36:12

did you butter them up with gumballs, but

36:14

you are, you're taking a shot at adults.

36:17

Here's a child's natural enemy. So

36:19

make a charisma roll with advantage.

36:21

Okay, excellent. The least childish

36:23

thing in the world is adults

36:26

suck. Kids

36:29

love that stuff. Okay, that's a 19 plus

36:31

3, that's 22. Hell

36:34

yeah. Yeah, I felt like a 22. The

36:36

kids begin chanting, not one of us,

36:39

not one of us, not one of

36:41

us. Yeah. Moose is

36:43

like, is a little panicked. He

36:45

usually, like any room he walks

36:48

into, he's the coolest guy in the room. He's

36:50

realizing he maybe can't connect with children in the

36:52

way he can connect with adults. And maybe this

36:54

isn't like, you know, maybe the night

36:56

isn't with him. So he panics and he does the only

36:58

thing he can do. And he turns to the mob of

37:00

children and he says, I am

37:03

not a virgin. The

37:05

kids not wanting to like to

37:07

really think about that or riff

37:10

with that. The kids begin running

37:12

from you. Looks

37:16

like I won the place clears out. Yeah,

37:18

man. I got to give you your respect.

37:21

That's impressive, dude. I got it.

37:25

I am a virgin. For some

37:27

reason, the ladies don't like me

37:29

very much. Jonathan

37:32

Large puts his hand on Timmy's shoulder

37:34

and says, It's because you spend too

37:36

much time with the

37:39

unrealistic expectations of these

37:42

R-rated movie ladies. All

37:45

right? Oh. I

37:48

never thought about it that way. They

37:50

don't act like that in the real

37:52

world. Yeah, I guess

37:54

I thought I went to those movies because

37:56

I wasn't having success with my war

37:59

life. maybe it's opposite yeah

38:01

usually I don't have success because I

38:03

watch those movies all the rest of

38:05

us are nodding sagely yeah yeah the

38:08

thing is in those movies

38:16

when you finally get lucky with

38:18

one of these R rated ladies

38:21

you're gonna see him with their top

38:23

off and their titties out you're

38:26

never gonna see Bush though but

38:28

in real life my friend it's

38:30

all there I think we covered it

38:33

it's all there I'm so glad

38:36

the kids ran away yeah I

38:38

wouldn't like a lollipop blows

38:41

through the alley like a tumbleweed so

38:43

something to think about as you

38:45

you know explore the world of

38:48

dating yeah I'll keep that in

38:50

mind horse guy thank you my name is Jonathan

38:52

and as Jonathan large

38:54

wraps up saying the most beautiful

38:58

and thing that's ever

39:00

been said on Ruth Gilda Magic an

39:04

adult human woman

39:07

wearing a black veil over

39:09

her face enters into

39:12

this part of town and she looks up

39:15

at Timmy and Tommy and she

39:17

points and she says you yeah

39:20

how can I help you you're the

39:22

one you recognize this and

39:24

she pulls up the caricature of Timmy

39:27

and Tommy oh

39:29

yeah when I was surfing the other day

39:31

yeah I got caricature done of me yeah

39:33

what's the big deal my husband drew that

39:36

caricature I am a

39:38

characterist widow and you

39:40

and she pointed him are

39:42

the man who killed him we

39:46

look at Jimmy no

39:49

no what does this mean Jimmy why'd

39:51

you do that lawyer lawyer

39:54

are you saying

39:56

lawyer do you want a lawyer

39:58

anyway we're not peacekeepers Okay,

40:00

guys, I don't usually answer questions

40:03

about... ...marp supposed in motors

40:05

and whatnot. It's a shame he'd get

40:07

a letter sentence if he was tried as a child. Oh,

40:10

I should probably use that. Timmy takes out a notebook

40:12

and writes that down. He can write. Mostly,

40:15

I think you're missing the point. He killed a

40:17

man. The grieving widow, she's just like

40:19

waving the caricature around, and she says, This

40:21

man is a murderer, a killer

40:23

of husbands. Hold on,

40:25

hold on. Did you see him do

40:28

this, ma'am? Yeah, I did.

40:30

I saw the whole thing. It was

40:32

down by the boardwalk. This man received

40:34

a caricature that he didn't like at

40:36

all, because he claimed my husband made

40:38

him look like he was surfing like

40:41

a fool. Yeah, I feel good,

40:43

first of all. But that's... But I do

40:45

do this, okay? Really?

40:47

Could somebody like me do

40:50

this? And... I

40:52

don't... I guess it is okay if I

40:54

use my cuteness spell right here. Oh, yeah.

40:56

Whoa. Oh,

40:58

my God. He lowers

41:01

his glasses, and for the first time,

41:03

you realize that the eyebrows and mustache

41:06

nose are, in fact, attached to his

41:08

face and part of him. And

41:10

he widens his eyes, and the

41:13

sun hits them perfectly, and they

41:15

glisten as you fall into a

41:17

deep love for this beautiful

41:19

man. Is this directed towards us or towards

41:22

the widow? The four of you. I don't

41:24

think I could sway this woman. An

41:26

angel? You were my baby. There

41:29

must be a misunderstanding, ma'am. This

41:31

boy, this man, could never have

41:33

done something like that. He's our

41:35

friend. Now. No! No, you

41:37

fools! You fools are falling for his

41:39

cuteness! He looks like two children, and

41:41

so you think of him as two

41:43

children, but he is one man, one

41:46

serial killer, and you're falling for it.

41:48

I wish one of you would make

41:50

a wisdom saving throw against his charisma,

41:52

so you can understand the truth of

41:54

the matter. This is an evil man!

41:56

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, we've been through it.

41:58

He may be a child. He's a

42:00

childish man, but he's a man nonetheless. We

42:02

just did a dang competition about it, ma'am.

42:05

I had an adult off with him, and god damn

42:07

it if he didn't earn my respect. If

42:10

you think you can bully around this man just

42:12

because he looks like a boy, we're here to

42:14

say no way. And

42:16

I've got a minus two wisdom modifier

42:18

role and isn't gonna do shit. I

42:21

love this boy. I

42:24

also have a minus two wisdom, so... I

42:28

have a plus four, but I'm so convinced. God,

42:31

so this is what justice looks like

42:33

in Piss Harbor? Fine. Then I'll go

42:35

find it with the dentist. And

42:37

she runs down the alley into dentist town

42:39

to try to recruit the dentist to her

42:41

noble cause. Let's get out of here. Oh,

42:44

I freaking hate going to the dentist. You're

42:47

telling me. We gotta clear our friend's

42:49

name. Let's go to the scene of the

42:51

crime, the boardwalk, and find out who did

42:53

it and who framed him. Greetings.

42:58

I am Sir Duggery Cloysters,

43:00

Holy Paladin. Unlike most

43:02

barbaric warriors in eye-cut drenched aboutiers

43:05

with scruff-less faces, I am sworn

43:07

to face evil in polished armor

43:09

with a shining smile and dike

43:11

smooth shave. And that can

43:13

be tough with all the poorly made razors of the

43:15

world. That is why

43:17

I have reached across the thresholds of

43:20

face time and reality to cut all

43:22

the hairs off my face and legs

43:24

with henson shaving. Yes, Paladins

43:26

shave the legs. If we don't,

43:28

our magic doesn't work. Henson

43:31

Shaving is a family-owned aerospace parts manufacturer

43:33

that has made parts for the ISS

43:36

and Mars Rover, and now they are

43:38

bringing precision engineering to your shaving experience.

43:40

I'm a holy knight in a medieval

43:42

fantasy world, so these words are witchcraft

43:45

to me. But you probably know what

43:47

they mean. By

43:49

using aerospace-grade CNC machines... What?

43:52

Such mysteries are made of us. Henson

43:54

makes metal razors that extend just 0.0013

43:56

inches. Less

44:00

than the thickness of a human hair. That

44:03

means a secure and stable blade

44:05

with a vibration-free shave. It

44:07

is the best razor. And I

44:09

don't mean the best razor business. Henson

44:12

doesn't save money on cheap plastic.

44:14

They don't drain your bank account

44:16

with a forced subscription. There

44:19

are no proprietary blades. No planned

44:21

obsolescence. Once you own a

44:23

Henson razor, it's only three to five

44:25

dollars per year to replace the blades.

44:29

Ahem. Thanks, Duggery. Chris

44:31

Hastings can take it from here. I

44:33

used to spend a lot of time and money

44:35

on a fancy, quote, shaving setup with oils and

44:37

brushes and five-blade cartridge razors, and it would all

44:40

still lead to a neck absolutely exploding with irritated,

44:42

bumpy skin. But even though I have a beard

44:44

now, I still gotta do that neck, and when

44:46

I used a Henson razor for the first time,

44:48

it didn't feel like I was shaving, like, at

44:50

all. No irritation, nothing. They've officially

44:53

converted me, and it sounds like all they

44:55

will get from that is five dollars a

44:57

year in blades, and probably less, because I

44:59

don't shave that often. It's time to say no

45:01

to subscriptions and yes to a razor that'll last

45:03

you a lifetime. Visit hensonshaving.com/roodtails to pick up the

45:05

razor for you, and use code ROODTAILS, and you'll

45:07

get two years worth of blades free with your

45:09

razor. Just make sure to add those blades to

45:11

your cart to get the deal. That's 100 free

45:14

blades when you

45:17

head to hensonshaving.com/roodtails

45:19

and use code

45:22

ROODTAILS. Our

45:25

new year begins. Uncertainty looms. You crave

45:28

guidance, prophecy, and so you pull a

45:30

card from the Rood Tales of Magic

45:32

tarot deck at patreon.com/roodtalesofmagic with a new

45:34

card drawn by Brunson Rees every week,

45:36

accompanied by an original interpretation for what

45:38

your future holds. What did you get

45:40

this time? The devil!

45:43

Uh-oh. That's traditionally considered one of

45:45

the worst dudes. Only

45:48

Satanists and Penn Jillette like getting this

45:50

card. But that's in a normal

45:52

tarot deck. On the Rood Tales Patreon, you

45:54

can see that because there's like 20 devils

45:56

in Cordelia, it's Brian Fock on this card.

45:58

And with a little pro-life. and goat shape.

46:00

How nice. The devil represents being tied down

46:02

by overabundance or a love of material pleasures

46:04

in giving in to your raw desires. I

46:07

think that's supposed to be bad, but frankly I

46:09

think people give in to that stuff for a

46:12

reason. It feels great. So, actually, congratulations on getting

46:14

the devil. Want more weekly readings

46:16

like this? Give in to your love of

46:18

pleasure to support the show and find more

46:20

great stuff I don't even have time to

46:22

mention at patreon.com/rude tales of magic. And

46:27

we're back. The boardwalk stinks

46:29

like curly fries and overly bold

46:31

seagulls. The sun has gone down

46:33

and the moon has gone up

46:35

and long ago somebody left with

46:37

a cup. Sorry, I realized as

46:39

I said it that I was

46:41

quoting cake. Speaking of cake, funnel

46:43

cake, there's a bunch of it

46:45

here. The ferris wheel spins ominously

46:47

and the blow chunks express stands

46:49

like a Lovecraft horror out over

46:51

the water. What are you guys

46:53

doing here? The party

46:55

is strolling down the boardwalk purposefully.

46:58

They all have those giant, plastic, gross

47:00

cocktails. You know, the like, oh yeah,

47:02

like the yard. Yeah. Yeah. And with,

47:07

with, you know, bendy, like, like wacky

47:09

straws, but we're all in the hunt

47:11

for clues. We want to exonerate our

47:13

best friend. Moose says to the party.

47:16

Oh, thanks so much guys. I mean, if we're

47:18

looking around, it really feels like anybody could have

47:20

killed that guy. I see a lot of killers

47:22

around here. Oh yeah, like who?

47:25

Oh, look at that guy. He's selling

47:27

cotton candy, but you can tell he's got a

47:29

Gwen in his eyes. That's where we evil.

47:31

I will kill him for you, Timmy. And

47:34

Jonathan gallops over to the man with

47:36

cotton candy. His hands

47:39

stretched in such a

47:41

fashion to just like gallop into this

47:43

man's throat. You see this man, he's

47:45

handing, he's kneeling down to hand cotton

47:47

candy to a child. He says no

47:49

charge. And he looks at

47:51

you and says, hello, irony

47:55

of him being charged at. No,

47:57

no. No

48:00

charge, no charge! Hahahaha

48:06

Yay! Yay!

48:10

But Jonathan Large fails his irony

48:12

check and he slams

48:14

this guy into the wall

48:16

uh, just pressing

48:19

his Adam's apple into his

48:21

spinal cord. I see

48:24

that he loves me and he watches me

48:26

cry but that was my crime! Yes,

48:29

kill him, kill him! You

48:32

widowed a good woman and

48:34

framed my son. I married

48:37

a good woman! I'm not the dad, I'm the

48:39

dad that stepped up. Wait, let me say it

48:41

again, I'm not the step dad, I'm the dad

48:43

that stepped up! Hahahaha

48:47

This is like the antidote for

48:50

Jonathan, this phrase. This is

48:52

the Manchurian candidate of goodness within his

48:54

soul and he releases him

48:57

like stumbling backward. A good

48:59

stepfather, everything I

49:01

know is wrong. And Jonathan looks

49:04

back at Timmy considering

49:06

for the first time that

49:08

he was deceased. What

49:10

the heck, why'd you kill that guy? That guy's

49:12

probably the model! Hold on

49:14

Jonathan, hold on. And uh, Moose looks

49:17

back to the cotton candy salesman. He's

49:19

coughing and he looks up and he

49:21

says Agh, an honest misunderstanding

49:23

I'm sure. And

49:27

then Moose is going

49:29

to press his heat back into this

49:31

guy's neck. Agh, agh, agh, agh,

49:33

agh. You

49:36

were giving away cotton candy for free, so what

49:38

is the angle buddy? It's

49:42

so inexpensive, it's so inexpensive, we

49:44

have so much more than we did. So

49:48

how do you provide for your step

49:50

kids? Well, I- But where do we care

49:53

what control this? That's gotta be the way!

49:56

Please, please, please. Sounds

50:00

forgotten. Sand isn't a day and

50:03

still make a profit. Oh okay.

50:05

Then. The word profit is a made sure

50:07

he said if it's a very. Long

50:12

as he knows this guy is a capitalist. Us.

50:14

And go. Oh. Boy.

50:17

You. Guys have a real way of questioning for

50:19

hooks. It's a tough town. I just want to

50:22

make sure you're. Making. A buck?

50:24

I certainly am. And before you get to

50:26

the. End of a mess you

50:28

up against the wall as. Looking

50:32

away for the with her arms crossed it

50:34

was highly wings has her throat or know

50:36

if a little vice. Er

50:40

nok or are now. I don't believe

50:43

it. I

50:45

mean. You've. Been down here this

50:47

whole time. If. You didn't do the murder.

50:49

You must have at least see that. Odds

50:52

of Zimmerman and what did you tell your

50:54

son. About it. I didn't business stuff.

50:56

He's not old enough to know about

50:58

stuff like that. How old is he?

51:00

My son? Yeah, he's three. I didn't

51:03

tell them about a murder I saw.

51:06

A four year old is ready to see her

51:08

process. Group. Home

51:11

sick when I will leave his

51:13

bed with a. A

51:16

Protecting the innocence of children

51:18

is meals Manchurian candidate and

51:21

she sets away. From.

51:23

The Guy and Sorcery think whether or

51:26

not can you believe that Said oh

51:28

boy, my neck is taking a pounding.

51:30

Specifically the front of a a second

51:33

booth is frowned upon. His neck for

51:35

this time says cowboy boots baby to

51:37

me is any by the time and

51:40

is in his hands into their container

51:42

just eating emoticon. Yourself

51:47

sir, Good

51:50

business model. Middle school teachers,

51:54

Credible business model that I couldn't. I

51:56

should give much away. So. I

51:58

don't know why are be all litter. The cotton

52:00

candy sales, but in town, it's printing money.

52:03

You shut the hell up. You pick four

52:05

random times of the day to charge, and

52:07

every other time you give it away for

52:09

free, those four people must be pissed off

52:12

every time. I don't like that

52:14

one bit. You must have killed them. You

52:16

must have. Now think about what you're saying.

52:18

I only charge the richest people in town,

52:20

including me. I live in a four-story home.

52:23

The sound of a story, the sound of a

52:25

story, is the same tricking thing that I do.

52:31

Because for kids, it's just an

52:33

adventure. But for adults, I know a good story

52:35

takes work. Adults

52:37

respect storytellers. He sort of

52:39

steps back. Maybe he has the wrong

52:41

person. Ah, of course. I'm

52:44

sorry. Maybe we jump to conclusions. Timmy,

52:47

this seems like maybe a wrong

52:50

direction. Maybe it's the

52:52

man with the basketball hoop, or the

52:54

man with the gun that shoots Waller

52:56

into a hole. Or maybe that

52:58

man over there who is just asking you to

53:01

hang on a pole for a minute. Come on!

53:03

Come on! There's no prize! I

53:05

want to see it! Tommy,

53:08

I don't think it's any of those other guys. Timmy,

53:12

I think there's only one way to

53:14

prove you're innocent. Yeah, how fair.

53:17

How do anything? Prove to us

53:19

that you can surf cool.

53:21

What? Why, you don't believe

53:24

me? It wouldn't be hard for a

53:26

guy as cute as you. If you can

53:28

surf cool, we'll know it was provoked and

53:30

therefore manslaughter. Up

53:33

until this moment, I have always trusted

53:35

the truth of a

53:38

caricature artist to see what is

53:40

real in a man. And if you

53:43

look foolish, we'll know he portrayed you

53:45

accurately, and therefore you killed him

53:48

unfairly. Come on, Timmy. Just

53:50

surf. Show me you can do it. I

53:52

know you can do it. Just show him.

53:54

Just the beach is right there. I

53:57

could do anything, why? Can't

53:59

we all go up to... This

56:00

is the only way, even if I didn't

56:02

do this, this is not a good way

56:04

to judge whether or not I killed him.

56:06

Well, you just made it even if you didn't

56:08

do this. And

56:11

as Timmy is protesting, heading into

56:13

the boardwalk, you hear the unmistakable

56:15

sound of a pack of dentists.

56:18

You hear their clean teeth revving,

56:22

led by this widow as she points to

56:24

her. There, there they are!

56:26

And you hear the dentists snapping and

56:28

approaching, like maybe their jets or sharks.

56:31

Get out there, Timmy! If you can surf,

56:33

cool, we'll fight them off. Okay, sounds good.

56:35

I can't put the sharks on the lead, by

56:37

the way. And then

56:39

he hops onto the surfboard and he makes his

56:41

way out into the wake,

56:44

into the... is that what it's called? What's it called?

56:46

The surf. The surf! I headed to the surf. The

56:48

water. Sorry, I didn't think

56:50

of the word water. It's like an element.

56:53

It's like an element. I hear it. Yes.

56:56

And then I guess I'll wait

56:59

for the moon to pull up one of these

57:01

sweet, sweet waves and then hop on the surfboard.

57:03

So as you are waiting, it goes

57:06

eerily still and calm all around

57:08

you. Can I have you make

57:11

an athletics roll, which would be...

57:14

you'd use your strength modifier. Not

57:16

surprisingly, I have a negative strength modifier. Why? Oh,

57:19

no. Because

57:22

of my freaking body. It's

57:25

horrendous. Tell me about it, man. A

57:28

five. A five. These

57:31

waves are very strong and

57:33

they are overpowering you and

57:36

something's wrong here. Timmy,

57:38

this is... you can tell right away, this

57:40

is not going to work. Your center of gravity

57:42

is... you have two of them somehow. You've

57:46

got one in the middle of you and

57:48

one six feet up just swaying up there.

57:50

It doesn't... this is not going to

57:52

go well. You've got to figure something

57:54

else out. Am I cool? Is this

57:57

cool? I can only assume he looks

57:59

exactly like you. like the caricature is

58:01

that correct the caricature nailed it

58:03

yeah this is this is

58:05

not looking great this is a little bit

58:08

like this is like mr. bean goes to

58:10

surf or something it is just it's not

58:12

working it's not looking good randy

58:14

can i make a wisdom roll of course you can i

58:17

rolled 12 but

58:22

with my wisdom modifier that's only

58:24

a 10 uh for a 12 which

58:27

is actually a 10 yeah you

58:30

tell me what you were trying to do and i tell

58:32

you how it goes not great i

58:34

was trying to see if watching timmy

58:36

surf would make moose lose the cute

58:39

feeling i gotta be honest this

58:41

is pretty cute and to be and

58:43

to actually not only does it not

58:45

make you lose the cute feeling but

58:48

kid looks hell i mean he looks like a kid looks

58:51

like two kids and you can't see him as

58:53

well because he's a little further away so he

58:55

really looks like two kids and he's helpless out

58:57

there not only do you not lose the cute

59:00

feeling but the urge to protect uh that natural

59:02

instinct it sort of kicks in for you moose

59:04

moose sighs and says forgive

59:07

me but it's time to

59:09

go back to the old me and he

59:11

turns around to face the mob of dentists

59:13

and pulls out two handguns he

59:19

says time to shoot some teeth um

59:22

out of the glint in moose's eye

59:24

i caught the same wisdom roll and

59:26

also feel that timmy on

59:29

the water looks really cute

59:31

so i'm recognizing in this

59:33

moment like he is obviously

59:36

exactly to the caricature but

59:38

i feel he must be saved and

59:40

so i say

59:43

forgive me i have to go try

59:45

to save him he's gonna drown out there and

59:48

she a stone gargle oh

59:52

no at no point do

59:54

you float as you run you just

59:57

said you follow the natural curve of

59:59

the beach Down, down, down into

1:00:01

the water. You are just completely

1:00:03

underwater. You are running like the

1:00:05

team 1000 in slow motion under

1:00:08

there and before you know it, he's

1:00:11

about 30 or 40 feet directly above you.

1:00:14

And unfortunately we've established many times

1:00:16

due to her smoking habit that

1:00:18

she has lungs and so she drowns. Oh

1:00:22

my God, it was. Oh

1:00:26

no. Oh no.

1:00:30

It's okay if they die, right? Yeah,

1:00:32

it's fine. It's completely fine if they

1:00:34

die. We said that before we recorded

1:00:36

any of these. I thought it

1:00:38

was still on the table. Allie,

1:00:41

of course. Not only is it on the table,

1:00:43

it just happened. I'm gonna be affected by it.

1:00:46

So all anyone sees is you just

1:00:48

run into the water and also your

1:00:50

body doesn't float up because you're stoned.

1:00:54

Maybe it does. Well, what

1:00:56

does Timmy see? Does Timmy watch this happen? Yeah,

1:00:58

you would see her running towards you. Well, Timmy

1:01:00

is unconscious now at this point. His eyes

1:01:03

are closed. He is on top of the

1:01:05

surfboard and he's like being pushed to shore

1:01:07

via the waves. But he is, yeah, he's

1:01:09

like passed out in the water. So we've

1:01:12

got, one of us is passed out in

1:01:14

the water, unconscious, one of

1:01:16

us is dead, dead in

1:01:19

the water. And one

1:01:21

of us has two guns out facing

1:01:23

down these dentists. I gotta be honest, things

1:01:25

don't look good for us. Jonathan

1:01:29

Large is just trotting

1:01:31

back and forth along the beach,

1:01:34

looking to the water, looking to

1:01:36

the dentist apocalypse about to happen.

1:01:39

Very nervous, not sure what to do. I

1:01:42

think I need to roll. I gotta see

1:01:44

what the wisdom is in

1:01:46

this moment. Which again, his modifier is

1:01:48

bad. But

1:01:52

not today. 17, 17, I rolled

1:01:54

a 17. Time

1:01:58

slows down and begins to... almost freezes

1:02:00

for you as you look within yourself. Yes.

1:02:03

Jonathan Large understands

1:02:06

that Timmy Tommy absolutely

1:02:10

did murder that caricaturist,

1:02:12

but he knows that there's room

1:02:14

for growth within him and if

1:02:16

he is to be alive again,

1:02:18

then that growth may

1:02:20

blossom like so many beautiful flowers.

1:02:23

The densest charge

1:02:26

ever so slowly and he can see

1:02:28

their weak points picked out

1:02:30

among every single one of those bodies. Jonathan

1:02:34

starts to gallop along

1:02:36

the beach, aiming his

1:02:38

body for an inflatable

1:02:40

raft while swinging the

1:02:43

75-pound spikes flail that he has

1:02:45

on him at all times. As

1:02:48

it reaches max velocity, Jonathan

1:02:51

bends down, yanks

1:02:53

the inflatable raft under the

1:02:56

sleeping sunbather, and

1:02:58

flings the mace towards

1:03:00

the dentist in an arc that

1:03:02

will eventually ping pong

1:03:05

between each and every one

1:03:07

of their jaws, cheeks, and

1:03:09

exposed teeth, and throwing

1:03:11

the raft in the opposite direction

1:03:14

toward the ocean to gracefully

1:03:17

scoop up weird, tall,

1:03:20

gangly, adorable Timmy and send him safely

1:03:22

to shore. This is a beautiful motion

1:03:24

you're describing. As you pull the raft

1:03:27

out from under the sleeping sunbather, who

1:03:29

it's night by the way, they should

1:03:32

have woken up by this point, you pull

1:03:34

it out from under them and it

1:03:36

pulls their swim trunks with them. They wake

1:03:38

up and look at the camera and they

1:03:40

say, yeah, it's my meat. They

1:03:44

just continue to lie on the beach. They don't

1:03:46

give a fuck. Can you make

1:03:48

an attack roll on the dentist? Yes,

1:03:50

I would love to. That's

1:03:52

a good modifier, which means I'll probably roll bad. I

1:03:55

did end. Yeah,

1:04:00

you fling it and it perfect.

1:04:03

It's that feeling I think I've said this

1:04:05

on mic before at one time I threw

1:04:07

a rock at my brother's head I didn't

1:04:09

mean to hit him but as soon as

1:04:11

it left my hand I thought oh fuck

1:04:13

I'm gonna get in trouble That's

1:04:15

gonna hit and listeners it did

1:04:18

I got in trouble He's fine,

1:04:20

but the dentists are not as

1:04:22

you did that perfect art that

1:04:24

perfect feeling as you released

1:04:27

And it ricochets off of all of the

1:04:29

dentist's Which of course

1:04:31

for every dentist is their mouth their

1:04:33

teeth shatter and they smile Toothlessly

1:04:37

as they scream in agony as the flail

1:04:39

breaks their teeth Meanwhile

1:04:41

moose time is it is moving normal for

1:04:44

you. You have just pulled your guns out.

1:04:46

What are you gonna do moose? watches

1:04:49

this all happen and sees

1:04:51

all of the dentist's mouths

1:04:53

just destroyed and Chuckles

1:04:55

to himself and says didn't even have

1:04:57

to pull the trigger That's

1:05:00

the moose way baby now the glint of

1:05:03

Johnson largest wisdom roll Bounces into

1:05:05

Tommy whistles eyes and he knows exactly

1:05:07

what he has to do He opens

1:05:09

his mouth dropping his tongue completely lassoed

1:05:12

up into his hand He ties the

1:05:14

end of the tongue around a turned-over

1:05:17

lifeguard chair He then ties the

1:05:19

rest of the tongue around his

1:05:21

waist providing a Cord

1:05:23

to go back to land and then he runs

1:05:26

diving into the water swimming deeper to

1:05:28

the ocean floor to try to find

1:05:30

his stone Good

1:05:34

for you Tommy I gave up on Neil really quickly

1:05:39

Now good for you, but also

1:05:41

Ali did already say she said

1:05:45

I got a five a five dad

1:05:48

you did It's nighttime. You are

1:05:50

in the water and she's stoned you

1:05:52

cannot see a godly a thing Moose

1:05:55

is going to turn and he sees

1:05:58

Tommy struggling and he's going call

1:06:00

out hey Tommy what's the matter? Neil!

1:06:04

She's down there somewhere I can't

1:06:06

find her I can't find her I'm going

1:06:09

back here. He dives back in. Moose hearing

1:06:11

this up on the boardwalk is stricken

1:06:14

by content. He turns

1:06:16

away and says to himself she's

1:06:18

in danger but would I could

1:06:20

I save a statue knowing

1:06:23

my long complicated

1:06:25

history with those

1:06:27

made of stone. Can I roll to

1:06:29

decide if I'm going to help?

1:06:32

What's the roll that I have to make?

1:06:34

Make a conscience roll and it's that's a

1:06:37

yeah you're gonna add your wisdom modifier to

1:06:39

that and I think that's what I'm going

1:06:41

to do. I think conscience

1:06:44

is charisma. No I think

1:06:47

it's wisdom. I think it's strength. Whoa!

1:06:52

Wow. Well he thought this was you think?

1:06:54

No I was. Come on!

1:06:58

I liked it though. I liked it. Branson

1:07:00

I got a 14. You got a 14? Here's

1:07:04

the answer you arrived at. I don't

1:07:06

like you but damn it I respect

1:07:08

you. Moose takes

1:07:10

his already rolled up suit and

1:07:12

shirt sleeves and pushes them

1:07:14

up all the way to

1:07:16

the elbow. Oh my god. And then time

1:07:19

does slow down for Moose because it slows

1:07:21

down for him anytime he's on a beach

1:07:23

and he's going to run into the surf after Tommy. The two of you

1:07:26

are looking

1:07:34

in the dark water meanwhile Timmy and Tommy.

1:07:36

But I'm a dwarf I have darkvision. You

1:07:38

have darkvision? God damn it! Even in this

1:07:40

campaign! Alright

1:07:44

fine so it looks like a sunny day

1:07:46

down there to you. You see her? He's

1:07:48

holding up one arm hopefully

1:07:51

but deadly. Moose

1:07:54

plunges in and he's going to grab that

1:07:57

stony hand. Tommy!

1:08:00

Pull us out! Around Moose's waist

1:08:02

he feels Tommy tying a second

1:08:04

knot with his tongue around his

1:08:06

waist And he then starts holding

1:08:08

back as he kicks his boosted

1:08:10

webbed feet. Uh, back to

1:08:12

short, I even felt my waist get tongue-ed

1:08:15

in days. Tommy,

1:08:17

you have webbed feet which gives you an

1:08:19

advantage in the water, but also you're wearing

1:08:21

boots which takes away that advantage. So you,

1:08:23

uh, you're, you know, you're

1:08:25

paddling and it's working. Uh,

1:08:28

but it got, it would have gone a lot smoother

1:08:30

if you didn't have those boots on.

1:08:32

Slow and steady wins the race like

1:08:34

my most favorite fable. Slow

1:08:37

and steady, always the approach with people who are

1:08:39

drowning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

1:08:42

don't want to be boastful and go fast. He

1:08:47

gets to short. He yer-tugs, tugs, tugs

1:08:50

his tongue back pulling two forms upon

1:08:52

the sand. You do it, they're both

1:08:54

out on the sand, and as they're

1:08:56

on the sand too, the surf pushes

1:08:58

back Timmy and Tommy. Uh,

1:09:00

who is still, like, clinging to the surfboard

1:09:03

and unconscious. As all of you, uh, you

1:09:05

make it to the beach. Branson.

1:09:08

Yes. Can I roll to see if

1:09:10

she comes back from the dead if

1:09:12

she drowns because she's a church gargoyle

1:09:14

so it's like a baptism. That's

1:09:18

a very creative pitch. And I

1:09:21

would... There

1:09:23

is no... If I say yes, that's

1:09:25

insane. And if I say no, I think

1:09:27

that's more insane. Who am I to stop?

1:09:31

There's no way to get out of this with my

1:09:33

sanity. Uh, yeah, you can do that.

1:09:35

That's going to be a strength roll.

1:09:37

It's going to take all of your strength. Okay.

1:09:41

Okay, here I go. She coughs.

1:09:46

And spits water out onto the beach. And...

1:09:50

Fits up, gasping for breath. Very

1:09:52

much alive. And very much born

1:09:55

again. And that's when you see

1:09:58

her full body. With

1:10:00

the scratches, uh, that

1:10:02

look somewhat like tattoos, and

1:10:05

one of them was scratched on

1:10:07

her that looks like a bush. And

1:10:10

that's when you know this is an X-rated show. Oh

1:10:13

my god. You

1:10:16

saved my life. Neil,

1:10:19

you're okay. I've

1:10:23

never been better. Neil, I didn't even know

1:10:25

you were in trouble. Jonathan,

1:10:28

we barely know each other. Oh,

1:10:30

hey, let's change that soon, huh? I'd

1:10:32

like that. Cool. Jimmy!

1:10:36

Oh, okay, I was gonna say, with all their

1:10:38

attention focused on Neil, they

1:10:40

turn and they look

1:10:43

to see Timmy, but he's no longer

1:10:45

there. They turn up the beach and

1:10:47

what they see is Timmy

1:10:49

has a slingshot pulled back at

1:10:51

the widow of the caricature artist.

1:10:53

And he, like, looks at them,

1:10:55

side eyes, like, uh... Timmy,

1:11:00

don't be mad. What? Don't

1:11:02

be mad. I'm not being bad, but

1:11:04

if she dies, then I don't get

1:11:06

in trouble or nothing. Um,

1:11:09

he's got a point. That's true. The widow is saying,

1:11:12

no, no, no, I think it's the opposite. I think

1:11:14

if I do die, you get in more trouble. Uh,

1:11:17

I don't know. You think that's the way- Lady, you

1:11:19

lost my respect the day you partnered with dentists. I

1:11:22

hate dentists. And then you look up and

1:11:24

down the beach and all the senses that

1:11:26

have been maced have now been stabbed by

1:11:28

Timmy and they are, like, all dead. Oh

1:11:31

my god. It's just like the shot of,

1:11:33

like, Gone With the Wind. It's just like

1:11:35

hundreds of dead dentists. Yeah,

1:11:37

that's why you killed him all. And

1:11:40

all I gotta do is say, if I just finish off this meeting, and

1:11:42

I'm not gonna give you a

1:11:45

little stain of Z-Woomy for stuff. I'll

1:11:48

say we let him do it. He's our friend.

1:11:51

I- You know, I was there. I was there,

1:11:53

Tommy. And

1:11:56

then I just noticed, like, how

1:11:58

many dentists he's murdered. And

1:12:00

it's a pre-I body count. I don't

1:12:02

know if... I don't know if

1:12:04

Tommy is quite as cute as he seemed

1:12:06

to me before all the murders. There's like

1:12:09

a historic number of crabs just crawling over

1:12:11

dead bodies. You can hear flies buzzing. Listen

1:12:14

to this. He's our friend. We let him

1:12:16

kill her and then take him back to

1:12:18

our... to our hideout where we

1:12:20

get paid for having him around. And

1:12:23

maybe even get paid a little bit more

1:12:25

because of his more recent crimes. Crimes that

1:12:27

didn't hurt nobody. The family's already broken apart.

1:12:29

Why not just finish the job? Would

1:12:32

you guys really take me in?

1:12:35

And then Timmy casts cuteness

1:12:37

once again. Oh no. Oh. I

1:12:40

lowered his glasses. I think it's time we

1:12:42

really roll those wisdom. Yeah, I think yeah.

1:12:44

On this round. Let's make some wisdom saving

1:12:46

throws. I got eight. Oh,

1:12:49

fuck. Okay, didn't work. I don't know why I went, ah, I

1:12:51

wanted to trust this guy. Tommy, you were

1:12:53

in the middle of saying, let's just finish the job

1:12:55

with a widow. I think that's an easy sell. You

1:12:58

got a 12? I

1:13:00

rolled a fucking 12. And

1:13:02

with my modifier, it's a 10. With

1:13:05

my modifier, I got a five.

1:13:08

And I got a 13. Folks,

1:13:11

it doesn't work. He

1:13:14

casts cuteness and you all fall for

1:13:16

it. This is your friend. He couldn't

1:13:18

reply. Timmy

1:13:20

releases the slingshot. Good boy.

1:13:23

It's a widow. It can't explode. It's

1:13:27

okay. Oh, wow. That

1:13:30

was way bigger explosion than I expected.

1:13:32

Right, guys? Timmy,

1:13:35

thank you so much for reuniting that

1:13:38

widow with her husband. That was so

1:13:40

nice of you. And Jonathan

1:13:42

Large once again takes

1:13:45

Timmy by the shoulder and says, now

1:13:48

we must finish the job and

1:13:51

honor this widow's journey

1:13:54

back to the earth. We can

1:13:56

bury her at sea. And

1:13:59

all these dead And then why can't we

1:14:02

be friends by war begins playing

1:14:04

as we see shots of them

1:14:06

burying the bodies

1:14:24

at sea, burying them in the

1:14:26

sand, writing the blowchunks express, having

1:14:29

a lot of fun at

1:14:31

the boardwalk. The final

1:14:33

image we see is a photo booth.

1:14:35

We see three flashes coming from out

1:14:37

from a closed curtain and then we

1:14:39

see the photo fall down

1:14:41

and we see three images. What

1:14:44

do we see in order? What's the first image? The

1:14:47

five friends are just smiling. They're like trying

1:14:49

to get the nice one out of the

1:14:51

way. So Tommy's arms are one

1:14:53

of his arms is like leaned up to

1:14:55

try to get over Timmy's

1:14:57

shoulder. The other one is around

1:15:00

Jonathan. In the second one, we're

1:15:02

all like sticking dental instruments in

1:15:04

each other's mouths. That

1:15:07

we've grave robbed. In

1:15:12

the third one, the four of you

1:15:14

have are holding different body parts that

1:15:16

you may have pulled from my trench

1:15:18

coat. For the first time, you guys

1:15:20

look at Timmy and Tommy skeptically like,

1:15:22

oh, could we really be friends

1:15:24

with this guy? Good

1:15:28

night, everybody. That is an episode of Rude

1:15:30

Tales of Magic. Why

1:15:33

can't we be friends? Why

1:15:35

can't we be friends? I'm

1:15:39

a favorite. Wow.

1:15:46

Another home run from Rude Tales

1:15:48

of Magic, the Mark Maguire of

1:15:50

podcasting. And that was

1:15:52

Holly Cesaris Neal. Holly Monado

1:15:55

is Paedica. Christopher Hastings is

1:15:57

still at the lodge. For

1:16:00

his moose, in fact his

1:16:02

tummy whistle is practically

1:16:04

through every kitchen everyone knows

1:16:07

with one notable exception. Roushay

1:16:09

of his magic is produced by Bucket

1:16:11

of Milk, edited by Sam

1:16:14

Pratt, and sound designed and scored

1:16:16

by Kodiak Sanders, with additional

1:16:18

sound designs from Michael Kelsey.

1:16:21

As always, special thanks to

1:16:23

Tyler Button and Sydney

1:16:26

and Benjamin Paul, and special

1:16:28

thanks to our guest Walid

1:16:30

Mansour. You can hear

1:16:32

him on his podcast, sitcom

1:16:34

D&D, right here on

1:16:37

Headgum. Good night.