0:02

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This

0:30

is a HeadGum Podcast. Right,

1:00

right, right. Am I doing it in some bag alley

1:02

in some nameless old town? No, Sturf.

1:04

We're doing it at the Bell House, right in

1:06

the heart of Brooklyn. Of course,

1:08

now I remember. Real Tales of

1:11

Magic, LentEnders. Live at the

1:13

Bell House on Saturday, March 30th. Doors at

1:15

6.30, show at 7. Tickets

1:18

are on sale now. I just

1:20

bought mine at roottalesofmagic.com. This

1:23

is fantastic. And you know what? I'm still going

1:25

to add a few tumbleweeds to my Easter basket

1:27

just to spruce it up. Those

1:30

freaks will love it. You heard

1:32

right, Cretans. The Class Dismissed Gang

1:34

returns to the stage at an

1:36

all-new live show. That's Root Tales

1:38

of Magic, LentEnders. Live at the

1:41

Bell House in Brooklyn. Saturday,

1:43

March 30th. 7pm. Buy

1:46

your tickets today or be

1:48

tortured to death. Thank

1:51

you. magic.

2:00

We've got a

2:02

spooky episode for you tonight.

2:05

Or should I say to Fright?

2:08

That's right. Or should I say that's

2:11

Fright? To Fright's

2:14

episode is extra scary in

2:16

honor of Halloween. It

2:19

won't be released on Halloween, but

2:21

it's still in honor of it.

2:23

There's no rule that says you

2:25

can only honor Halloween in October.

2:27

Or should I say there's no

2:29

ghoul? But why would I

2:31

say that? Because in this spooky episode,

2:33

there might be many ghouls. Is

2:36

this clear? Is the logic

2:38

of this joke collapsing in on itself?

2:40

I feel like I'm doing the pre-taped

2:42

call-in show bit. Anyway, Happy

2:45

Halloween eventually! The

2:56

poet Sprite Grape once

2:58

said that the sun never sets

3:01

on Piss Harbor. I'm

3:03

not sure what he was talking about

3:05

because right now it's night

3:07

in Piss Harbor. And

3:10

Sprite Grape was executed 600 years

3:12

ago, crucified by the Pope

3:15

to stealing his horse. Just

3:17

another night in Piss Harbor where the

3:19

sun has set. But

3:21

despite what I said in that

3:24

last sentence, this isn't just a

3:26

typical night in Piss Harbor. No,

3:29

this is binge night

3:31

in Piss Harbor. An

3:34

annual night where all crime... it's

3:37

legal. The thinking here

3:39

being that people will binge on crime

3:41

during binge night and get it out

3:43

of their system for the rest of

3:46

the year, which they of course will

3:48

call Purge Year. If you

3:50

think about this the exact amount that I

3:52

did, the names make a little bit more

3:55

sense this way. I

3:57

anticipate no confusion whatsoever

3:59

tonight. Binge Night.

4:02

We open on a burning

4:04

school as children in Halloween

4:06

maps dance around it in

4:08

slow motion holding machetes and

4:11

grenades. Just one of

4:13

the grisly images you can expect on Binge

4:15

Night. The nearby palm trees

4:17

burn in solidarity with the school.

4:20

From a nearby apartment a superintendent

4:22

looks out of his window sadly.

4:26

The children they don't

4:28

want to learn anymore. Not

4:30

like how they usually do. Truly

4:32

this is a sign of the

4:35

time. He swirls a glass of

4:37

brandy before taking a sip thoughtfully.

4:40

But no matter. These are

4:42

tomorrow concerns. For tonight I

4:45

am going to tear the tag off of

4:47

my bed mattress. I am

4:49

not above the temptations of Binge Night.

4:51

Why even this brandy is illegal.

4:53

For I am 14 years old.

4:56

We move through

5:01

the night down a road soaking

5:03

wet with the piss of public

5:06

urination before finding ourselves inside of

5:08

a hardware store. Environmental

5:10

graffiti explains the deal of Binge Night

5:13

to anybody watching the theatrical version of

5:15

tonight's episode. And maybe they misjudged how

5:17

many trailers would play. And so they

5:19

went to the bathroom and they missed

5:21

the first few minutes of the movie.

5:24

These people they exist and they're

5:26

as deserving of narrative as the

5:28

next man. We weave

5:30

through the aisles before finding ourselves

5:33

in an aisle of chainsaws.

5:36

Most of them have already been shoplifted

5:38

but several remain. Three bounty

5:41

hunters observed them. Who

5:43

are we looking at here? Closest

5:45

to the camera you see a

5:48

small stone gargoyle in a

5:50

blood-soaked tutu and a blood-soaked

5:52

corset. Her little vanity

5:54

wings peek out the back of the

5:57

top of the corset where there's lacing.

6:00

And they're twitching irritably, excitedly,

6:02

hesitantly, and, um,

6:06

excitedly. Is

6:09

this chainsaw too big?

6:12

I just don't know, I've never been on

6:14

Binshnight before. Neil,

6:16

when it comes to chainsaws on Binshnight,

6:19

no chainsaw is too big. Standing

6:22

next farthest from the camera is Moose.

6:26

Normally, he's dressed in a pastel-colored

6:28

suit with sleeves rolled up to

6:30

the elbows, but tonight, it's Binshnight.

6:33

And instead, he's wearing a brown

6:35

leather vest with no shirt on

6:37

underneath. He's

6:39

got a red bandana around his head, he's sort

6:42

of like tossing chainsaws around, sort of trying to

6:44

get the weight of the perfect chainsaw. Ah,

6:48

this one, this one feels right. He

6:51

lovingly pats a candy

6:53

apple red chainsaw. Well,

6:56

if you say so. From around the corner,

6:58

a centaur

7:01

trots over, carrying two

7:03

big jugs of gasoline

7:06

for all these chainsaws that you need. If

7:09

you've ever seen the Van

7:12

Halen music video where there's

7:14

like a centaur, like in

7:16

the background, who's like a

7:18

really big, buff guy with

7:20

like bleached, like blonde hair and

7:22

like big sunglasses and like

7:25

biker mutton chops, and he's like, he's

7:27

really muscular and like sunburnt. And

7:30

he's like, he's just in that background of

7:32

that one Van Halen music video. That's

7:35

what this guy normally looks like, that

7:37

this is Jonathan Large. But

7:40

tonight, it's Binshnight.

7:43

And he is wearing a big

7:47

horse mask over his head. God,

7:52

he almost looks like he's definitely just a horse.

7:56

It weren't for still those big, muscly,

7:59

human arms. to ourselves. I

8:02

think we're gonna have enough chainsaw juice

8:04

for everyone to have a good time

8:06

tonight. Gasoline!

8:10

We can also light things on fire with it if

8:12

we need to. Orson's on

8:14

my list. I made

8:17

a list like you suggested, a list of

8:19

crimes that interests me. Neil,

8:21

that's freaking awesome. I'm so glad

8:23

you're manifesting your desires for tonight.

8:25

Thank you, Jonathan. You're welcome,

8:27

Neil. All those

8:30

years perched atop that church, I thought maybe

8:32

one of them you would have climbed down and done some

8:34

binging. I guess not.

8:37

No. I remained a

8:39

steadfast sentinel. But

8:41

oh, the confessions I heard the

8:43

next day. Horrifying, brutal,

8:45

strange. Their voices,

8:48

though, they sounded a bit relieved. Does

8:50

that make any sense to you? You've done binged night

8:52

before. Yeah, it sounds... it makes

8:54

a little sense. Yeah. Yeah, I'd

8:57

say it does. Leave

8:59

it to a statue to not enjoy

9:01

the one night off a year. Moose,

9:04

come on. What? Let

9:06

it aside. Never. You

9:09

don't know my history with statues, okay? You

9:11

don't know it. I've simply never

9:14

asked. I know. She turns towards

9:16

the checkout. Oh, oh, oh.

9:18

Neil, Neil, Neil. Yes? Here's

9:20

the coolest part. Here's the coolest part. You

9:24

can steal it. What?

9:26

We can steal all of it. You

9:29

don't have to pay for anything. Vests

9:32

is on my list. I'm crossing it off already. The

9:34

cashier behind the cash register, who's

9:37

dressed like Tank Girl, nods

9:39

to you solemnly. And

9:41

the cashier speaks to you and says, That's right.

9:44

All crime is legal on binged nights. This is

9:46

my night off. And I'm disobeying

9:48

the law by coming into work. Whoa! Illegal

9:54

overtime. Hell yeah. Yes.

9:57

Fuck labor rights. That's right. Yes.

10:00

That would be. Barbara worked hard for

10:02

strict labor laws as much the night

10:04

they do not apply a fag. get

10:06

a admit you're a live in years

10:08

old under that mask. Do they take

10:10

off the mask? Their ten. Other

10:13

hello, the unmistakable difference between eleven

10:16

and said year old Izquierda You

10:18

earned. A

10:22

pound their chests and then they raise

10:24

a bow and arrow as when he

10:26

thinks best be getting outta here or

10:28

this is exciting is that a law

10:30

firm says no, no law that says

10:32

you have to leave, accept the law

10:34

of might and they let slip Sierra.

10:37

You move. Know Moose,

10:39

it goes right passed over. you're

10:42

handling of the past. Oh. I

10:45

thought you a human man and that's why

10:47

I shot to full feet over your head

10:49

of. Maybe you'll figure out

10:51

how to aim when you're eleven. Get

10:55

a big aim. Another arrow is don't

10:57

give me a reason Moose doesn't move

10:59

in. it's he knows a ten year

11:01

old could never hit him. Moose

11:05

you. Were right not to move

11:07

an inch. that with a critical fail,

11:09

they let go of the arrow. The

11:11

arrow stay put and they go flying

11:13

back hundred see through the facade of

11:15

the source. Who's.

11:18

Turns to his friends. I wasn't sure that

11:20

was gonna work, but it really works. Sky

11:25

gets night. You're normally not

11:27

allowed to make comments like

11:29

that against the various species

11:31

they're populate the city's if

11:33

you are employed or the

11:35

hardware store Moose Revs is

11:37

chainsaw and then tosses it

11:39

through the south window so

11:41

heated already been shattered by

11:43

that kid going through the

11:45

arm and it it's Saturday.

11:47

Get a. glass the laws

11:49

of nature prevent the glass from reforming

11:52

itself and so of course of the

11:54

exact the glass had reformed into a

11:56

plate of glass and it's shatters again

11:58

now remember kneel on be Binge Night,

12:00

nobody uses doors. Badass.

12:03

She, uh, finds

12:06

a chimney. No,

12:09

Neel, that's why I made the hole

12:11

in the window. Yeah, yeah, she's already

12:13

climbing up and out of it, going,

12:15

Binge Night! Binge Night! Binge Night! Oh

12:17

my god. She climbed through the hearth

12:20

of the hardware store. Jonathan Large grips

12:22

Moose by the lapels of his leather

12:24

vest and says, She's

12:26

doing the reverse Santa Claus.

12:29

The most horrible crime you can do.

12:31

She's getting into it, I love it. Put

12:34

me down. Oh yes sir. Oh!

12:37

Just outside the window, a, uh, ash

12:40

covered Neel drops to the ground and

12:42

says, Come on! You're

12:44

followed by like a dozen Santa skeletons that

12:46

all sit on you. She

12:49

bats them away excitedly. And

12:52

you, on the street, are like 12 different

12:55

screenwriters. And they all get an

12:57

idea for Gremlins. Hahaha!

13:00

Pay me! She

13:02

yells at them as they run away to

13:05

write their script. No,

13:07

we can rip off any ideas we

13:09

want tonight! Ugh, I'm Chris

13:11

Columbus! Eeehehehehe!

13:15

He flies away on a broomstick. Duh

13:18

duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh

13:20

duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh! It's

13:22

a scene of chaos. Uh, there's burning

13:25

buildings around you. Uh, there is

13:27

a full grown man wrapped in

13:29

Christmas lights, walking slowly holding a

13:31

hockey stick with a sword tied

13:33

to the end of it. Uh,

13:35

he seems to be just like

13:38

looking for trouble. Nearby a child

13:40

hits a wooden hoop with an

13:42

axe shouting, Die! Die! Die!

13:45

Die! Hahaha! A

13:48

god. Oh, it's nice

13:50

to see sometimes when civilization gets

13:53

a little bit too hoity

13:55

and too toity to

13:57

see that we are all the same

13:59

animals. deep down inside. At

14:02

least to me, a man who was a

14:04

horse about two years ago and have only

14:06

recently come to enjoy the morality

14:09

of man in this half

14:11

of a man's body. Yeah.

14:14

So as you're walking down, just like

14:16

down the street, sort of taking in

14:18

all of the chaos of Binge Knight,

14:21

you've got your chainsaws, you've got your

14:23

gasoline, you've got your cool

14:25

outfits, you're packed by a

14:27

burning dumpster and

14:29

inside of it you hear a

14:31

voice calling out to you. We

14:33

don't have to, we don't have

14:36

to answer that. That's our boss.

14:38

That's Maybelline. We don't have to

14:40

answer. It's Binge Knight. We don't

14:42

have to do it. What? I

14:46

still feel tied to the light. What if there's

14:48

somebody out there who needs punishment? This is the

14:50

perfect night for it. I can do all sorts

14:52

of things and not feel guilty. Oh,

14:54

yeah, Neil's got a point. What's up

14:56

with Neil? Neil, the

14:58

light will be waiting for you tomorrow. Tonight we

15:01

binge. Really? Yeah. Man,

15:05

I was really hoping to like

15:07

steal somebody's house tonight. You

15:10

can still do that. What's stopping

15:12

you? On the job, though. We're

15:14

not taking the job. We,

15:16

Maybelline, Maybelline, I'm sorry, but

15:19

tonight we're binging. All

15:21

right. Maybelline, I said I would do what

15:23

they want to do tonight. We're binging. Hey, look,

15:25

it's Binge Knight. Whatever you want to

15:27

do is what you guys, I can't stop

15:29

you guys. This is game about all that

15:32

money. Wait, did

15:34

somebody say money? I knew it.

15:37

It was Maybelline. Moose runs

15:39

over to the dumpster and like sits

15:41

down in front of it like

15:43

Chris Frost's applesauce. Yeah,

15:46

sort of dropped in large times

15:48

too. Yeah. And Neil goes over

15:50

and Neil rising up out

15:52

of the dumpster. You see Maybelline Moonlight,

15:54

your bounty hunting agent. She's half elf,

15:56

half horse and all woman and

15:59

the 0% on fire? I

16:03

can explain. Usually I'd be burning

16:05

alive to be inside of a

16:07

burning dumpster, but not tonight. Because

16:10

I've coded myself in something scientists

16:12

are calling double water. It

16:15

prevents burning, but it is said

16:18

to have strange side effects. I

16:20

don't know what the... and then at that she briefly

16:22

grows to the size of an elephant, and she

16:24

fell over the nagony. She returns

16:28

to the new

16:31

time. Damn!

16:33

That's been happening all night. Moose

16:36

leans over to Neil and whispers, arsonists hate

16:38

her. I bet. Jonathan

16:41

leans into Neil's elk. It's

16:44

one weird trick. She's so hydrated.

16:47

That I am. Alright, well, I

16:49

got a target for you guys if you're interested.

16:51

You don't have to take it. Let's just hear

16:53

her out. Money. Okay,

16:56

here's the deal. And she pulls up a

16:58

visual kenju out of the dumpster, but it

17:00

wasn't coded in double water. It's just a

17:02

charred skeleton. She hits its

17:04

skull and it just disintegrates into ash. Oh,

17:06

damn this night. Damn this longless night.

17:10

Oh, I'll just have to give you a verbal

17:13

description of the culprit. Your

17:16

target tonight is Drogo Universal

17:18

Healthcare. A human

17:20

man from the distant north. You'll

17:23

recognize him from his perfect, Dolph

17:25

Lundgren-like bone structure. He

17:28

stands an impossibly and even grotesquely

17:30

tall 6'4", in what high critics

17:32

are calling, Too Too Much. And

17:36

he wears dark sunglasses, even

17:38

in blackest night. They

17:40

don't seem to impair his vision,

17:42

and he's proven himself perfectly capable

17:44

of outmaneuvering all who pursue him.

17:46

He's wanted for walking into a

17:48

bank and stealing, and I quote,

17:52

Everything they got. Usually

17:54

the cops would handle a case like

17:56

this, but because it's binge night, all

17:59

of them exist. exploded as soon as

18:01

the sunset due to the fact that they

18:03

are creatures of pure law Because

18:06

it's binge night. He's technically not

18:08

wanted and so it's illegal to

18:10

bounty hunt him But because

18:12

it's binge night There's nothing to stop

18:14

you from bounty hunting him and taking

18:17

his entire stolen bake fortune minus my

18:19

10% cut of course But

18:22

be careful because he's not bound by

18:24

any law on this godless night But

18:27

be reckless because neither are you all

18:30

right and Jonathan

18:32

large finally figures out how to He's

18:36

been fiddling this entire time and he

18:38

finally managed to attach the

18:41

chainsaw to The

18:43

semi-automatic rifle that he was able to

18:46

lift earlier than He

18:48

clicks satisfyingly All

18:51

right. I think I've got all I need You

18:53

guys are good to go. Do you have any follow-up questions?

18:56

We can do whatever we want to him Anything

19:00

you want nothing is off-limits except

19:02

what a podcast audience would send

19:04

an angry email about Got

19:07

it. That makes sense. Just look

19:09

there. That's me. I

19:11

would never offend a podcast audience How'd

19:14

you say that and then it's

19:16

a ever shifting minefield of

19:19

bullshit. I think they sound great Well,

19:21

no, they're great. No the good At

19:25

this rib, they're great. Yeah. No most of

19:27

them all the time Anyway, we have any

19:30

actual questions or are we just kind of

19:32

shadowbox with our fans? I

19:34

just got to make sure this money is

19:36

good. This is after all Neil's first binge

19:38

night Oh, we got a first it's

19:41

my first binge night. A lady's

19:43

first binge night is a special thing. Yeah

19:46

collect a scalp for me Okay,

19:49

but the money's real he did really steal from a

19:51

bank I guess there's nothing to stop me from lying

19:54

to you, but you got to think who would profit

19:56

from that Why would I bother to do that? You

19:58

guys are my friends? Maybelline,

20:00

any ideas where we can find him? If

20:03

I had to guess, I'd say he's probably around the bank. Or

20:05

the financial district. Where the

20:08

bank is. So, the financial district. More

20:10

specifically, the big bank. Okay,

20:12

alright. It'll be the one that there's no

20:14

cops around. Falsy, to rob the bank and

20:17

then stay at the bank. Eh,

20:19

well, it's binge night. That's true.

20:21

There's no cop you can stick around- I bet you,

20:24

uh, so I'll only take 9% if I'm wrong. But

20:28

I bet you, he is leaning against the

20:30

bank right now, whistling, slipping a coin up

20:32

and down. You could possibly know that, Maybelline.

20:34

I'll take that bet any day. Hahahaha!

20:38

But, if I'm right, I get 11%. Oh,

20:41

alright. And hey, he's robbed the

20:44

bank, but, Jonathan. Eh? Maybe

20:46

instead of stealing a home tonight, you

20:48

steal a bank. Could

20:50

I live in a bank? Yeah, you

20:52

do like a conversion. Oh. You

20:55

know, it kinda has kind of a cool factor. That

20:58

would be a dream come true. You

21:00

could put a toilet in the vault. Wow. And

21:04

I have both bribery and forgery on

21:07

my list. I

21:09

feel like we could knock those out with the money.

21:12

We're making fake money. Alright,

21:14

well, before we head out. Neil,

21:17

I believe you had Arson on that list? Yes.

21:22

She lights a match and

21:24

throws it into the dumpster.

21:27

Maybelline not. I understand. And as

21:30

the dumpster burns even more, she'll be like, She's

21:33

sweet, and then she'll be like, No!

21:35

No, no, no, no, save yourself! Oh,

21:39

no, no! Kinda upsetting.

21:42

Neil, you have so amazing, you've never gotten to do

21:44

that before? I may have actually

21:46

checked that one off before. I may

21:48

have. Hahahaha! Hey,

21:51

you know what? I never let

21:54

anybody ride on my back. But

21:57

it's binge night, so I guess I'll break

21:59

a prayer. Personal rule hop on you two.

22:02

Let's get down to finance town.

22:04

Yeah She jumps

22:07

on and she's oh Good

22:19

posture, huh? Okay, you make

22:22

a constitution roll for me Jonathan. Uh,

22:24

yeah, what gave it away the noises? Yes.

22:27

Oh No, I gotta

22:30

be honest. That is a one a one Natural

22:33

one. That's a one. It's a one. It

22:35

was so close to the 15 right

22:38

next to it But no, it's a one motherfucker. You

22:40

are not Giving these

22:42

people a ride. No, I'm not natural district.

22:44

You need to find a big horse-sized wheelbarrow

22:47

or you're not going anywhere She broke that

22:49

thing. Yeah, I I'm

22:53

sorry. I forgive you Honey

22:59

I I need like a

23:01

little wheelbarrow or a or

23:03

a car Oh looks like tonight's another

23:05

first for you and moose pulls out

23:08

a gun. Yeah What?

23:12

First or last. Oh Yes,

23:14

I that's of course you have to

23:16

destroy an injured horse. No,

23:18

wait. Wait, she's still holding her chainsaw and

23:20

she Turns it on and

23:23

then she Chainsaw

23:25

the car in half So

23:30

then she pulled the back half and Slips

23:33

it under Jonathan's back.

23:35

Who's oh, oh,

23:38

that's nice. That's comfortable

23:41

Thank you. Are the front hooves.

23:43

Okay? They're alright. I think

23:45

I could probably Handle

23:47

the steering wheel a stick shift

23:49

in a gas a break

23:51

in a clutch with my front two hooves Go

23:54

ahead tuck it all under me She

23:58

pulls the front of the car of two

24:01

halves of a car under you. Yeah.

24:06

Also, I'm wielding a chainsaw gun. I'm

24:09

glad we finally got to the point where cars are

24:11

just a thing. No,

24:15

it's good. I'm glad we've gotten here. Yeah, no,

24:17

this is good. No, nobody stopped you. Ali, that

24:20

was, I had, I had

24:22

two minutes to stop you at any point and

24:24

I didn't. We have cars now. What?

24:26

We only have one and it got cut in half. Okay.

24:31

Now that I'm more machine than man, I

24:35

think your Uber has arrived. Get in. See,

24:38

most, we don't have to kill him. Okay.

24:41

You convinced me for now. Neil

24:44

hops in to the car. We

24:46

cut now the financial district. Strange.

24:51

Here on binge night, nothing looks

24:53

that different in the financial district.

24:55

Just a little bit of, of

24:57

cutting political satire from your friends here

25:00

at rude tales of magic. These

25:02

people, they break the law every day and they

25:04

get away with it. They don't

25:06

even care. They live so far above the

25:09

common unwashed masses like you and I.

25:12

They don't, they don't care. This

25:15

is a normal night for them. And the

25:17

financial district looks full. No

25:20

crime is occurring whatsoever.

25:23

Jonathan turns on. The

25:25

headlights of the car. Trying to

25:27

find Drogo flipping a coin

25:29

outside of a bank as he was

25:31

promised he would find. Yeah.

25:34

Can you turn those, turn those headlights on and

25:36

can I have you make a perception roll for

25:38

me? With advantage, you got headlights. Oh,

25:40

thank you so much. Jonathan

25:44

has a poor wisdom. So

25:46

that's a nine. Okay. And

25:48

another nine. Incredible. You're

25:50

going to have to take one of those nines. Luckily

25:53

you can take the higher ones. You got advantage. The

25:56

second one felt more earned. All right. You

25:58

take that one. You turn on the headlight and

26:01

you don't see this guy. You

26:05

hit a bank and inside you see a banker

26:07

who hisses at you and

26:09

he scurries away. Well,

26:12

I got nothing in this particular direction. I'm

26:14

aiming my head like that. He

26:16

may have gotten away. Moose

26:18

has darkvision and he's just going to look around

26:21

generally. Oh, great. Oh, yeah,

26:23

you got darkvision. You look around generally

26:25

and make a perception roll for me.

26:29

Not with advantage. Because fuck you.

26:33

That's fine because I got an 18. God

26:35

damn it. All right. You look around

26:37

and you see him. There. Almost

26:40

like several feet away from where the light of the

26:42

headlights hit, you see

26:45

Drogo Universal Healthcare. He looks cut

26:47

from marble. Neil is literally cut

26:49

from marble. This guy looks cut

26:51

from marble. Did

26:54

a fucking ripped way. He

26:56

is shirtless. He has

26:58

spiked, obnoxious spiked blonde hair.

27:01

He's got a perfectly symmetrical face. His features

27:03

look like they could cut glass. He has

27:06

pouty lips and he is leaning against the

27:08

bank next to a huge sack of money

27:10

with a big dollar sign on it. Branson,

27:12

I want to be super clear about this. Is

27:16

he leaning against the bank he robbed?

27:19

Well, you don't have

27:21

any real way of knowing that for sure,

27:23

right? All you have is the images and

27:25

you can put that context together. There is

27:27

a smashed window to that bank. There

27:30

is a trail of stacks of hundred dollar bills

27:32

leading from the bank to his bag. And

27:36

he is flipping a coin and the coin

27:38

with your dark vision that's so fucking good,

27:41

you can see the coin says property of

27:43

the bank next to Drogo Universal Healthcare. Oh

27:48

no. Looks like I own Maybelline

27:50

1%. There

27:56

and then Neil sees him. Oh my

27:58

gosh. Dibs. Not

28:00

for long and and Moose

28:02

pulls out his to hand.

28:04

Gonna get into this guy

28:06

has her I'll put come

28:08

on Incredible! Make an attack

28:10

roll on this that is

28:12

a seventeen seventy yeah wow

28:14

that his on a different

28:16

show because I'm this know

28:18

what happens is drug of

28:20

universal healthcare. He looks up

28:22

and not today. Ricocheted

28:30

and it flies into the other bank

28:32

where there was the hissing banker. From

28:34

inside, you hear. Oh

28:37

impossible I had near.

28:39

Perfect aim how fast as you

28:41

say? Not today. I. Have

28:44

quickly for bullet. you know a

28:46

guns are relatively new technology here

28:48

you have time to like talk

28:51

a little the as they were

28:53

figured out. The speed forget who

28:55

you shooting earth or Jonathan is

28:57

like looking every which way. Very

29:00

panic underneath his horse mask. Throw

29:02

go Universal Healthcare. Step forward and

29:04

under three lies and he is

29:07

completely eliminate wearing dark sunglasses a

29:09

glimmer under the street life. Have

29:13

you come here to take my money? Why

29:15

bother? Why not just feel from one of

29:18

the other things. We haven't come for the

29:20

money, we've come to take you win and

29:22

also the money. Interesting. I knew you were

29:25

going. To say that listen mister his

29:27

sins night and we're benching and we

29:29

don't feel like going into the bank.

29:31

we feel like taking it for meal.

29:34

So give us that money. And

29:37

then turned to ten. Census

29:43

a girl and your weapons

29:45

are useless against me through

29:48

his universal feel fair. Oh

29:50

yeah, no geared shared Thursday

29:53

out and Jonathan raises his

29:55

chain saw gone it's Vo

29:57

and he fires. oh. whirring,

30:00

hissing, smoking chainsaw

30:03

right after. Oh!

30:06

I really misunderstood you. I thought it was

30:08

a chainsaw that shot bullets, but this is

30:10

a gun that shoots chainsaws. Yeah. Chris,

30:13

once again I've underestimated you. I

30:16

wish you'd stop underestimating me. And

30:20

yet you've underestimated Drogo Universal Healthcare.

30:22

What? No. Because before you've even

30:24

pulled the gun up,

30:26

he has stepped out of the way

30:28

and your attack misses him completely. Ha

30:31

ha, fool! Just let me have my

30:33

money. We do not need to be

30:35

enemies here on this night. I promise

30:37

you, you do not want Drogo Universal

30:39

Healthcare as an enemy. Very

30:41

well, Drogo. Why is that? Why

30:44

should we be friends and not

30:46

enemies? Because I

30:48

have glasses on my head which let me

30:50

see three seconds into the future. Ahhh!

30:54

What? What? No

30:57

fucking way. Your sunglasses?

30:59

That's right. That's so cool.

31:03

Matt, they do create a bizarre

31:06

psychic effect for me where I constantly feel

31:08

a little bit drunk because I am always

31:10

hearing what is about to happen as well

31:12

as what is happening. It's like a weird

31:14

double vision kind of thing. But

31:16

yes, I have sunglasses on my head

31:18

that let me see three seconds into

31:21

the future. If that's true, then tell

31:23

me and Moose raises a fist. How

31:25

many fingers I'm about to hold up.

31:28

One, the middle finger at me. Moose

31:30

raises his middle finger. Damn it! Nice!

31:34

And so you see, beyond a shadow of

31:36

a doubt, I've proven the ability of my

31:38

special glasses. Now

31:41

why don't you just keep me alone, let me

31:43

steal from the bank, and you can even steal

31:45

from your own bank here. I won't stop you.

31:48

Alright, that sounds fine with me. Hey,

31:51

um, Neil? Yeah?

31:54

What do you think? It's got some

31:57

interesting opportunities for your first binge

31:59

night. for like how many

32:01

levels of rule breaking you can do here. Okay,

32:04

well here's the thing. I

32:06

was really looking for some insurance

32:08

fraud or drug possession, but

32:11

I suppose either battery of this

32:13

individual or stealing from the bank will

32:15

have to do? Here's one thing. If

32:18

you can get your hands on

32:20

some future glasses, you

32:22

can go absolutely bonkers on crime

32:24

tonight. You can really knock it out.

32:27

Okay. Just a pitch. I

32:30

think this is a, you know, I think

32:32

a mistake here is like coming at this guy from

32:34

the front. This is a clear case of a sneak

32:36

attack. So don't just ask him. He's

32:38

got to not see it coming. Don't, okay.

32:40

And also, Moose, I

32:43

am not a smart man. I want

32:45

to be very clear, but I also have

32:47

the feeling that we can't

32:49

even see it coming. You

32:52

know? I got to agree. On

32:54

paper, I am a smart but not wise

32:56

man, so I got to agree. Looking

32:59

at your character's teeth. I've got

33:01

a pretty good constitution. And

33:05

me, I am dexterous. I

33:08

am wise. Me or

33:10

tell us what to do. If

33:13

this isn't naturalistic dialogue, I don't know

33:15

what is. Neither

33:17

do I. I'm not a smart man. I'm an

33:19

11 smart man. On a scale of 1 to

33:22

20, with 1 or 20

33:24

being an insane extreme, I'd put my

33:26

intelligence at about a 13. Someone

33:30

is leaning back in their chair, putting their hands

33:32

behind their head and saying, finally, they're

33:34

using their sheets. This

33:38

is what you wanted, by the way. Anyone who wanted us to use

33:40

the sheets, this is what it was going to look like. He's

33:43

like, okay, okay, okay. Well, it seems like

33:45

you have all decided or will decide, at

33:47

least in the next three seconds, not to

33:49

attack me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm

33:52

going to go murder an old friend of

33:54

mine, Tommy Whistle. What

33:57

did you say? Well,

34:00

I already know you're not going to react to it

34:02

well, but I'm going to murder

34:04

an old friend of mine, Tommy Whistle.

34:06

He bested me for a romantic rival

34:09

in our youth. So it

34:11

seems that you are a man

34:13

who can see the future, but you're also a

34:15

liar. Because the Tommy

34:17

Whistle I know has no friends, to

34:20

a fault. He

34:22

seems incapable of declaring someone as a

34:24

friend or acknowledging them as a friend,

34:27

or like even admitting that

34:29

their social pleasant activities amount

34:31

to friendship. It is

34:33

a character game he clings to like a

34:35

small dog with a toy, isn't it? Um,

34:38

and as they're talking- I mean, he's

34:41

not here to defend himself. This

34:43

is actually- crosses a strange psychic

34:45

line I've drawn. That hat's pretty

34:47

big though, right? I mean, like, how big is that hat gonna

34:49

be? Yes, we're talking. Neil

34:52

backs up into the shadows. She's

34:54

covered in ash, so she disappears

34:57

completely. And as she backs

34:59

up into those shadows, you realize that

35:01

she's going the other way away

35:03

from Drogo, but next to the

35:06

building. And as soon as she

35:08

gets in the shadow, she just turns and runs

35:10

and starts circling the building to like run at

35:12

him from the other side of the building. Oh

35:15

yeah. You know, if her speed

35:17

is correlated to her strength pretty fast, she makes

35:20

it to the other side of the building. Well,

35:22

let me ask you a question, Allie. Let me ask you

35:24

a question, because I think this is an interesting point. Usually,

35:28

yeah, we use dexterity to determine people's

35:30

speed, but let me ask you a

35:32

question. Are you using your muscles to

35:34

run? That's so

35:37

interesting. I am. Okay,

35:40

now every other D&D character uses

35:42

their nimble fingers to run, apparently.

35:45

So this works fine for you. Which

35:47

is great, because where I used

35:49

my nimble fingers, I would do poorly.

35:53

So she runs using her muscles around

35:56

the entire bank, and

35:58

then runs to run. directly at

36:00

Drogo to make an attack kick. Three

36:03

seconds before you connect with him, you hear him

36:05

shout, Oh, the back of my skull!

36:07

And then he ducks. And

36:09

you go sailing above him and you

36:12

miss him completely. Did she come

36:14

flying at us? Yes. Hey!

36:17

Yeah, she launches past him. And

36:19

then, I guess, probably kicks Moose

36:21

right in the chest. Actually, Neil, I need

36:23

you to make an attack roll on your friends. Oh

36:26

no! Binge Knight. Oh,

36:28

I just... I

36:31

got 17. I'm

36:33

really gonna hurt my friends. 17?

36:35

What are your constitutions? Mine's a

36:37

15. Okay? My

36:39

constitution is 13. 13?

36:43

So you do a flying kick and you hit

36:45

both of them. You hit Moose into Jonathan large.

36:48

Oh no! Oh!

36:50

I respect this as part of your strategy.

36:54

And Jonathan crumples

36:57

into two again, losing his grip

36:59

on the front and back half

37:01

of the split car that he

37:03

was piloting. Binge

37:06

Knight isn't all fun and games. Get

37:10

off of me, you cud! Oh,

37:13

sorry! Get you! Sorry! Neil,

37:16

very slowly is on top of

37:18

this. I'm sorry.

37:22

Never do that again. I

37:24

was trying to attack Drogo. Never

37:28

do that again. She

37:31

squares off and

37:33

starts to glare. Make

37:36

me never do that again.

37:40

I've been waiting for a reason. Putting

37:42

a statue in their place? Why, couldn't

37:45

ask for a better job. She turns

37:47

her chainsaw on. This

37:49

statue is gonna fuck

37:52

your ass up, bitch. And she

37:54

jumps at him again. Make

37:57

an attack roll on Moose. Okay. Oh,

38:00

okay. So I gotta... I

38:02

gotta eat. Okay. That's not...

38:04

You're not gonna hit. You, uh, you pull on

38:07

your chainsaw and you fly. You want yourself at

38:09

Moose. But Moose, you see this coming. It takes

38:11

a second to rev a chainsaw. You can tell

38:13

what's happening here. Yeah. Moose, what are you gonna

38:15

do? Moose, uh, Moose is still...

38:17

You know, Moose got the wind knocked out of him. Um,

38:21

but with... with just moments

38:23

to spare, he ducks and

38:25

rolls away. As

38:27

he does, he reaches behind his back.

38:29

From, like, tucked into the waistline of

38:32

his pants, he pulls out a chisel.

38:36

No. Son of a bitch. You

38:39

wouldn't dare. He, like, spins it in his

38:41

hand. It's

38:43

binge night, Neil. Everything is dared.

38:53

Thanks for the ride home. We had no

38:55

idea that you were allowed to bring your

38:57

own car to your state-mandated community service. I

38:59

was planning on walking the whole way. It's

39:02

two miles! We must have been

39:04

quite a sight by the side of the road

39:06

when you pulled over. We look dirtier than a

39:08

set of traditional bedsheets. Traditional bedsheets

39:10

can harbor more bacteria than a toilet

39:12

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39:31

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39:33

distracted you with bedsheet faxing. And

39:36

you missed the exit. That's okay. We can

39:38

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39:40

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It seems you... might know a different

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41:00

we're being kidnapped aren't we? It

41:02

appears so. No release us. Boy

41:09

were those ads convincing and we're back.

41:14

Moose squaring off against his

41:16

ally rival unclear Neil

41:19

readies the chisel in his hand and leaps

41:22

at her. Midair as

41:24

Moose is leaping towards Neil. Neil

41:26

throws the chainsaw away and then

41:28

she spits on the ground and

41:31

it pisses righteously because within her

41:33

of course as she is a

41:35

gargoyle and not just a grotesque

41:37

she has a spout in her mouth

41:39

that leads directly to holy water

41:41

and she says ready

41:43

to be a virgin again and she

41:46

jumps at him. You're both jumping at each

41:48

other in midair yeah it's like anime style

41:50

I need you both to make attack rolls

41:52

on the other whoever rolls higher gets the

41:54

hit. And if it's anime style she's

41:57

like the spit has like surrounded her

41:59

in like like

42:01

a spiral, you know? Oh

42:03

yeah, yeah. The spit of holy water. This

42:06

is my role tonight, I got an 18.

42:09

I got a 15, fuck. Chisel connect.

42:13

Moose, what happened? Moose aims

42:15

it squarely for like where

42:18

Neil's solar plexus would be if she

42:20

had like a normal skeleton. He goes

42:22

vault to the center. Now

42:25

when he connects, pushes her back and they

42:27

fly into the wall of the bank. So

42:29

she's pinned now against the wall and he's

42:32

got the chisel pressed again, sort

42:34

of the center of her chest. Has

42:36

he dug in yet or no? No. Moose,

42:41

don't do it. Above

42:44

everything, you threatened

42:46

to make me a virgin. And

42:50

you hated me for

42:53

seemingly no reason. No

42:56

reason, you never asked, I've got a

42:58

reason. All right, fine,

43:01

tell me. It

43:03

was years ago. Ha ha

43:05

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

43:07

ha ha ha ha ha ha. I

43:11

was just a boy in

43:13

the dwarven kingdom. Mount Stonerok, maybe you've

43:15

heard of it? I have. Well,

43:18

it was an idyllic youth in many ways,

43:20

but I was the youngest of my

43:22

brothers. There were 12 of us. 12

43:25

brothers and sometimes they played with

43:27

me. Played tricks and

43:29

practical jokes and the like, pranks if

43:31

you will. Of course.

43:35

One day they brought me into the square

43:38

of the great dwarven city in

43:41

the heart of the mountain. And they

43:43

said, look Moose, look, a new statue

43:45

has arrived. And

43:48

I stared up upon this beautiful

43:50

sculpture of a man, a warrior.

43:53

He was proud and tall and

43:55

strong. And I marveled at the

43:57

incredible dwarven craftsmanship of this statue.

44:00

It was awesome. I said,

44:02

brothers, yes, our city has never known

44:04

glories like this. It's

44:09

fucking Norm McDonald over here. Bruce,

44:14

I don't understand. Why would this make you

44:16

hate me? Let me

44:18

continue the story. There's more? Of

44:21

course. My

44:28

brothers encouraged me. They said,

44:30

Moose, go closer. Go closer to

44:32

the statue. Inspect

44:35

the marvel of this art. So I

44:37

did. I got close. I got so close.

44:40

I put my tiny little dwarven face

44:42

as close to the statue as I

44:44

could. And

44:48

that? That kneel is when the statue's

44:50

face turned to me and yelled, boo.

44:54

It was not a statue, you see. It was merely

44:56

a performer

44:58

in silver body paint.

45:02

Were you on a boardwalk? I

45:05

said I was in the main square of the dwarven city in the

45:07

heart of a mountain. Moose.

45:11

Like the brothers, all 11 of them,

45:13

they laughed and laughed at me. For

45:18

years after that, they called me the

45:20

statue fool. I

45:23

was so ashamed, Neil. I

45:25

was so ashamed. And

45:27

I swore from that day forth, I would

45:29

never let another statue get the better of

45:32

me. Moose, your

45:35

story of trauma does not

45:37

satisfy me. She

45:39

spits on his face. Oh,

45:42

Neil, is that just spit or is

45:44

that holy water? It's

45:46

holy water. And

45:48

it's the kind that makes you a

45:50

virgin again. Is that a specific

45:53

kind? It's not

45:55

a kind I'm familiar with. Okay, but that is the

45:57

thing you could do, right? No.

46:00

What? Why not? No, I mean like... I

46:02

mean sure, we're playing a makeup game. It

46:05

depends on the sect of Christianity.

46:07

She spits holy water on his

46:09

face and makes him a virgin

46:11

again. Moose,

46:13

we flash into your head

46:15

and we see the faces

46:17

of hundreds of women from

46:20

your past as they all cry out

46:22

at once and then they're silent and

46:24

they just hear. We see a memory

46:27

of Maybelline moonlight under a white sheet

46:30

just like with sunlight streaming in.

46:33

Moose, Moose, wake up! Wake up, Moose! Oh

46:35

no! And she's pulled away

46:37

and the sheets disappear and she's

46:39

gone and... You're

46:42

a virgin. Happy

46:45

binge night. Moose

46:51

stumbles back, stunned. It

46:54

was all there and now it's... It's

46:57

all gone. No moves,

47:00

no lines, no

47:03

rhythm. But

47:06

I... I love having

47:08

sex. You can... You

47:14

can have sex again. You

47:17

can have sex again. I've simply taken

47:19

your skill and your knowledge and your

47:21

experience from you. Part of

47:23

what I enjoyed about having sex was how good I am

47:25

at it. And part of what I

47:27

like about being a statue is being

47:30

treated like anyone else. She

47:33

says so self-righteously,

47:36

your story of woe did not move me. Yeah,

47:39

Moose is gonna leap back at her with his

47:41

chisel. Dang it, no! Moose,

47:45

make an attack roll on Neil. Nine!

47:49

Three seconds before you're able

47:51

to even think to strike,

47:54

Jonathan reaches out and

47:56

clutches your chisel hand and gives

47:58

you... A kiss

48:00

of forgiveness on your cheek with

48:02

his left

48:05

hand... no, his center face. You

48:08

see that Jonathan Large is wearing Drogo

48:12

Universal Healthcare sunglasses. It

48:16

might be binge night, but we

48:18

don't need to binge on hate. Jonathan,

48:21

how did you do it? Huh? Do

48:23

what? Oh, I had these glasses,

48:25

so I was able to see where he was aiming

48:28

for you and I stopped him. How did

48:30

you get the glasses? Oh,

48:34

now that's a story. And

48:38

so from nearby you, next to you, tied

48:40

up in the big bag of money with just

48:42

his head sticking out, but he's tied tight. Drogo

48:46

Universal Healthcare, he says, do you

48:49

want to tell the story or should I? It's

48:51

quite a yarn. Uh,

48:56

why don't we take turns? Okay,

48:59

the weirdest way to tell this story. But

49:03

most collaborative, and

49:05

I usually don't collaborate with my

49:07

enemies, but it's binge

49:10

night. So there I was, dragging all of

49:12

the money away. And as we say this, we

49:14

go to the scene and we actually see

49:16

it play out. Uh, Drogo Universal

49:18

Healthcare, he's got a three second head start

49:20

and he's dragging all of the money away.

49:22

He's leaving a trail of hundred dollar bills,

49:24

but what if he fucking cares? He's got

49:26

a huge bag full of cash. He's dragging

49:28

it through the alley

49:30

laughing to himself. I'm sure to get away

49:33

Scott's three from this one. Jonathan large lies

49:35

on the crown, his spine in the shape

49:37

of a U. He is so broken. Wait,

49:43

wait, my, my friends are

49:45

too busy indulging in their

49:48

basis instincts. And I

49:50

have injured. No, I won't wait. I'm going

49:52

to take my money and go. I

49:54

have no need of you people. I offered you

49:57

my friendship and you spat at me. You pushed

49:59

my hand away. Please,

50:01

it's binge night. Binge

50:03

on a second chance. Hehehe,

50:07

sure why not. I have the complete upper hand

50:09

here. I have glasses that let me see three

50:11

seconds into the future and you have a broken

50:13

spine on the ground. You are no threat to

50:16

me. Precisely. Why not? My

50:18

race is already won. In fact, I could even just

50:21

lay up against a tree and take a little nap.

50:23

That's how far ahead of you I am right now.

50:26

Truly I am the hair. Okay, I'm

50:28

just asking for your help with my

50:30

injury. Oh sure, sure. How

50:32

can I be of the season to you? Straighten

50:35

out my fucking spine, man. Interesting.

50:39

Straighten out your fucking spine. Yes, of course. Okay,

50:41

I'll see what I can do. And

50:43

he walks around and he grabs you by the

50:46

top of the head and the shoulders. Yep. And

50:48

he just sort of adjusts and goes, okay now-

50:50

Oh! Oh no, that would kill you. Okay,

50:53

what if I do a little- Oh! Oh,

50:55

that would have killed you too. Hmm,

50:58

this is a bit of a pickle. Ugh,

51:01

you're so close. Hey,

51:04

I can tell you're afraid to practice medicine

51:06

without a license. Well,

51:09

yeah, I mean, there's a pain grabber, a

51:11

Nazi monster. I don't want to kill an

51:13

innocent man. I don't want that unmanned. Hey,

51:16

don't worry about it. I'm only

51:18

half a man anyway. Why

51:21

don't you try to practice veterinary

51:24

medicine without a license? Oh,

51:27

okay, yeah, this is truly,

51:29

if I'm reading this correctly, truly a dark

51:31

and low moment for you. As

51:33

you ask me to put you out of your misery, I'll

51:36

do what I can. He's got a hand around your neck

51:38

and he's like ready to snap your neck. Any

51:40

last words? Oh, uh,

51:43

I guess- Do

51:46

a good job. I do what

51:48

I can. And as he goes, he

51:50

goes to twist and your neck is

51:53

so strong and overdeveloped. It's a little

51:55

difficult. It's a little tricky to- Hold

51:57

on. Let me just readjust-

52:00

just by fluting, and

52:03

as he tries and tries and on the

52:05

third one he really puts some English on

52:07

it and he knocks his sunglasses off of

52:09

his head. Jonathan Large reveals

52:11

that he's been

52:13

doing horse yoga for a

52:15

very long time indeed and

52:18

he strains his spine

52:21

extending his body out

52:23

like a springy rocket

52:25

aiming his eyeballs as

52:27

new sunglasses catapulting

52:30

through them into the

52:32

night sky. Oh no!

52:34

Is this the end of me? Filled

52:36

by child's pose? This

52:39

is just your beginning! Jonathan Large

52:41

lands on all fours trotting

52:44

around, kicking up dirt, wearing

52:47

cool future vision sunglasses over

52:49

his normal cool sunglasses. So

52:52

now Jonathan, what you can see, you see

52:54

the real, you see real time, you see

52:57

what's actually happening and you also like in

52:59

Mario Kart when you're racing your ghost, you

53:02

know how like you die at the end of

53:04

Mario Kart and your ghost races or something? I

53:06

don't know the metaphysics of it, but you

53:08

see the ghost of everything that

53:11

Drogo Universal Healthcare is about to do in

53:13

three seconds and you see a ghost charging

53:15

at you and he pulls a knife from

53:18

his elbows and you snap it into your

53:20

neck, you feel the phantom pain

53:22

in your neck. As you see now

53:25

with the three, as a presence now, you see

53:28

Drogo Universal Healthcare reaching into his belt

53:30

as he begins to charge at you.

53:32

In slow motion, Jonathan Large realizes

53:36

everything. I would

53:38

rather that not happen.

53:42

Burn! As

53:45

Jonathan like kicks up a front hoof

53:48

to block the blade. Yeah,

53:50

the blade hits your hoof and he needs to

53:52

get stuck in your hoof. Oh no, oh no!

53:55

And now you see Drogo

53:57

Universal Healthcare, you see the ghost split off

53:59

from him. now and he goes

54:01

around you and he's looking and he's panicking

54:03

he picks up a gun off the ground and

54:05

aims it at your head. He fires in

54:07

the bullet in slow motion head towards you. Jonathan

54:11

Large is confused for a moment

54:13

as he sees himself in

54:16

ghost mode standing next to Drogo

54:19

universal health care, taking

54:23

the gun and pulling it away and

54:25

then remembering to wave at himself in the

54:27

past as he's already catching up to the

54:29

idea that he can see so much in

54:32

the future at that moment. He says, oh

54:34

hey Jonathan and then

54:36

ghost Jonathan says, hey Jonathan don't

54:38

forget to grab this guy's gun like

54:41

right now and as

54:43

the word now happens you feel the

54:45

gun and you grab it. Whoa, catching

54:47

up what a rush. He

54:50

looks around he looks to his left

54:52

he looks to his right because it's

54:54

that worth dying over and he turns

54:56

and the ghost begins to sprint and

54:58

it slips on a one of the

55:01

100 dollar bills it slips in its

55:03

face point. No, I

55:05

don't want you to be so humbled. Jonathan

55:08

gallops to save him from

55:11

tripping too hard. He dodges

55:13

you even so. I know your tricks. I

55:16

know you're lying to me about the future and now it's time

55:18

to call it first. And he slips on the 100

55:20

dollar bill and he thinks he's knocked out.

55:23

Shame. Well,

55:26

let's go see what my friends are doing. And

55:28

we cut back to the present. I

55:31

hope this made everything perfectly clear.

55:34

It was an exquisite corpse and

55:37

we and we see now Moose is

55:39

now completely

55:41

clean shaven and his

55:44

his formerly open weather

55:47

vest is now buttoned up. Oh

55:51

no, Neil is beginning to

55:53

experience a bit of binge

55:55

night regret already but she

55:58

swallows it down. Jonathan. Neil.

56:02

Great work. Oh, thanks.

56:04

I guess we can just split up the money and go

56:07

our separate ways. I

56:09

guess binge night's over. No,

56:11

Neil is hardly over. We've

56:14

got so many more crimes we can

56:16

do tonight, including not going to bed

56:18

at a reasonable hour. Is

56:21

that a law? Not a law. I still

56:23

have a lot more on my list. You guys want

56:26

to keep binging? Baby,

56:28

I'm born to binge. And

56:30

we cut now to a series of sequences, a

56:32

montage around the city of the three

56:34

of you committing binge night crimes, getting

56:37

everything out of your system before the

56:39

terrible urge year begins. What do we

56:41

see? We see the gang

56:43

at a mattress store ripping the tags

56:45

off of every bed mattress in sight.

56:49

The owner nods approvingly. I

56:51

always hated those tags. We

56:53

see everyone in the headquarters

56:55

of the Internal Revenue Service

56:57

as Jonathan Large desperately searches

56:59

for his tax return to

57:01

write down a different number

57:03

on the list. You

57:07

see Neil digging up very old

57:10

graves and then putting

57:12

the dirt back on them. Moose is

57:14

at a mailbox sending threatening

57:16

letters to all of his brothers. Neil

57:19

is at an over-the-counter

57:21

pharmacy aisle,

57:23

and she's putting

57:25

Tylenol and Advil into her

57:28

pocket and looking

57:31

around like, is anyone interested in

57:33

the drug possession that I have going on?

57:37

A pharmacist shakes their head at you

57:39

and says, what a weird crime. Moose

57:43

is walking around a neighborhood and

57:45

forcing every home to quarter soldiers.

57:49

She's got a long line of soldiers. You're

57:53

knocking, and they open. They go, ugh, fine.

57:55

Let them in. Jonathan

57:57

Large stands in front of a

57:59

house. a quaint two-story small

58:01

house with a small yard

58:03

in the front. It's surrounded

58:05

by skyscrapers. It looks adorable.

58:07

He's been scoping it for

58:09

months now. He cocks

58:11

his chainsaw gun. I have to

58:14

do this. The only

58:16

way I can own a home. We're

58:19

behind you, Jonathan. Thank

58:21

you, Neil. Jonathan gallops into

58:23

the house and does

58:25

whatever he has to do to claim

58:28

ownership of this building for

58:30

his new home. Yeah, the owner of the house...

58:33

No, please! Please don't chase us through all the

58:35

paperwork that names me as the sole owner of

58:37

this home! I'm doing it!

58:40

Gah! You decapitate him.

58:44

Oh, yeah, well... Buckets

58:46

of blood are pouring out the windows.

58:48

We stand outside. Moose and Neil stand

58:51

outside watching. He did it. It's my

58:53

house now! It's my house now! Moose

58:56

and Neil, as you watch, you

58:58

feel the first little glimmers

59:00

of daylight as the sun begins to rise

59:02

over the horizon. There's

59:04

one more thing I must do! And

59:06

Moose runs down the street

59:09

and up the stairs, the imposing stone

59:11

stairs of a library. Inside,

59:13

the card catalog is put

59:15

into complete disarray. Books are

59:17

thrown every which way. He

59:21

douses them in oil and lights a

59:23

match, setting the whole building ablaze. And

59:25

as he walks back down those steps,

59:27

he carries one book, not checked out,

59:30

under his arm. That book... Sex

59:33

or Dummies. He's got

59:35

the little guy who looks like the guy

59:37

from the Descendants album, pointing a finger, yeah.

59:40

But he looks weirdly pleased. Yeah!

59:44

He's got lipstick marks all over his face. As

59:47

Moose exits the library, Neil smiles

59:49

at him, looks down to the

59:51

sidewalk and scuffs her shoe, catching

59:54

sight of her

59:56

chest, where she sees... There's

59:59

a word. It's actually two words. What

1:00:02

is it? It says,

1:00:06

Can move. As

1:00:08

a warning to others who might think, Neil is

1:00:10

just an inanimate object. Son

1:00:12

of a bitch! Sparing future passers-by from

1:00:14

the shame that Moose has carried with him since his

1:00:17

youngest days. She

1:00:20

is furious. Their

1:00:22

rivalry is fueled even

1:00:24

hotter. We'll

1:00:26

have to tell that story another day, because this day has

1:00:29

only begun. That's right.

1:00:32

The sun has risen in the sky and

1:00:34

it's morning, which means our episode has come

1:00:36

to a thrilling conclusion. Good night everybody, or

1:00:38

should I say good morning? That

1:00:42

was Ali Fett. I'm

1:00:44

going to tell you a story. I'm going

1:00:46

to tell you a story. I'm going to

1:00:48

tell you a story. I'm going to tell

1:00:50

you a story. I'm going to tell you a

1:00:52

story. That

1:00:55

was Ali Fisher as Neil, Harley

1:00:57

Monado as Ejica, Christopher

1:00:59

Hastings as Jonathan Lodge,

1:01:02

Joe Lepore as Moose, Duplat

1:01:05

as Tommy Whistle, and Branson

1:01:07

Reese as everything and everyone

1:01:10

else. Fruit Tales of Magic

1:01:12

is produced by Bucket of Milk, edited

1:01:15

Town Design by Michael Wolf,

1:01:18

with additional sound design from

1:01:20

Michael Gophie. As always,

1:01:22

special thanks to Tyler Button

1:01:24

and Sidney and Benjamin

1:01:27

Paul. See you

1:01:29

later, Ali-Gator.

1:01:32

No spooky puns, I'm dry. Dry

1:01:34

as a bone. My

1:01:37

bones are wet.