0:01

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

0:11

Hello you nasty fucking

0:14

weird freak perverts. Welcome

0:17

back to Rude Tales

0:20

of Magic. The

0:23

only podcast currently

0:25

playing in a maximum security

0:28

prison to try to break the prisoners.

0:31

That's right, they don't care for

0:33

the antics of Stir Fry, Cordelia,

0:37

Albie, Bello, and their elderly

0:39

friend, Frederick DeBonesby. But

0:41

you do, don't you? Yes, I know

0:44

you. You are

0:46

a podcast fan. I can smell you

0:48

from a mile away. The crows took

0:51

so much from me, but they left me

0:53

my sense of smell. Although

0:55

I believe in most of the fan

0:57

art we've received of me so far, I

1:00

haven't a nose. But I

1:02

am chained to a book. When

1:04

I first hit the scene,

1:06

all I could talk about was how chained to

1:08

a book I am. And then I feel

1:10

like I started talking about other things. I started recapping

1:13

the episodes. But no, I

1:15

need to get back to my roots. I'm

1:17

chained to a book. The

1:20

aged pages tell me

1:22

the story that I read to you now. Ahem.

1:31

Welcome back, sports fans.

1:33

Just kidding. To Rude Tales

1:36

of Magic. When last we

1:38

left our heroes, they

1:40

were underneath the soaking

1:42

mother. They were inside of its

1:45

wretched, strange tunnels

1:47

and sewer system, hunting

1:50

down the resistance to

1:52

try to get to the bottom of how to

1:54

defeat that glowing blue

1:57

heart in the city herself, Mother.

2:00

But

2:00

they were stopped

2:03

by none other than a previous

2:06

Antagonist of rude tales of magic. That's

2:08

right. You know him you love

2:10

him unless your opinion is different than mine.

2:13

His name is Scrum

2:16

Charles Fabulous his

2:19

middle name has never been included in the show before

2:21

but it is canon and it is

2:23

his birthday Scrum

2:26

fabulous greets all of you with a large

2:28

hug this large frog man. He's

2:30

a bully wug He he goes to hug

2:32

each and every one of you said my dearest friends.

2:35

I'm so glad Survived

2:37

whatever strange random encounters

2:39

that I'm barely responsible for it's good

2:41

to see you. It's good to see you

2:44

How have

2:47

you been Not good my

2:49

friend not good at all It's

2:51

been a very terrible time for business

2:54

this mother figure she's awful She

2:56

gives everyone free room free board free

2:58

housing. It's a tear. It's a utopia. It's

3:01

terrible Not a single copper is exchanging

3:03

hands, you know, that's like for a landlord

3:05

that and she's controlling their minds

3:08

Yeah, whatever. Yeah, I don't like that either.

3:10

But I see she's not controlling

3:12

any of your minds I see the top

3:14

of your heads are all clean

3:17

Clean heads we call them Yep,

3:20

we're clean heads scrum. Why didn't you

3:22

flee to Scrum North? A

3:27

good landlord never leaves

3:29

property on the table I

3:31

will stay and I will fight into every

3:33

home in the soaking valley

3:36

I call it by the real name is back

3:38

in the proper hands mine so that I

3:41

Can raise rents as I see fit? It's

3:45

a competitive market. What am I supposed to do? I said I

3:47

have

3:47

to maintain all of these properties. Are you kidding

3:49

me? Cut with me. It's

3:52

not just me here though. We've got an enormous we've got everyone

3:54

here is in the resistance Not every of course many

3:56

have been taken by mother. It's about 3060

3:59

Unfortunately, it's not the breakdown you wanted

4:02

to become with me And

4:04

he leads you down down these tunnels and

4:06

continues to talk to

4:07

you. So what have you what have your journeys brought

4:09

you? Did you know it's my birthday?

4:14

Day is my birthday because of my siblings who I ate

4:16

there were more than the number of days in the

4:19

year So I absorbed their birthdays

4:22

It's so nice to see

4:24

old friends, you know, try to kill me on sight Yes,

4:27

speaking of which we met um, well

4:29

we ran into Moira 2000 oh

4:32

you ran into her.

4:34

Yeah Yeah, she's

4:36

how we found out about mother. I had wondered

4:39

what had happened to her Yeah,

4:42

she's not doing great. No wouldn't

4:44

imagine Not

4:46

good. It was humbling. There were battles.

4:49

It was a war fought and there's a war still

4:51

being fought And he holds the torch under

4:54

his face casting ominous shadows all

4:57

over his face It's what side of the war are you

4:59

I already know what side you're on tonight. I'm just Scrum

5:06

will rise again, you see

5:13

And

5:17

he he leads you to a What

5:20

is this it's just a simple wooden door

5:23

There's nothing fancy about this at all. There's two torches

5:26

on either side of it and there's oh, this is dreadful

5:29

hanging from the like a like a grotesque

5:31

Halloween decoration is the

5:34

severed head of bone penis and euro

5:38

Its

5:38

eyes sewn shut Pop

5:41

on peas Yes,

5:44

he was beheaded quite a bit Quite

5:46

a bit of time before all of all

5:48

of this happened with mother though. He lost his head

5:51

Wow, what happened to his eyes?

5:53

Oh, we sold them shut It

5:56

was creeping everyone out when you die your eyes stay

5:59

open generally And trolls

6:00

are so strong we kept closing his eyes

6:02

and he would just open the back again. It was icky

6:09

But you have notes do you have notes

6:11

for the resistance I'm

6:14

open to them. I am I

6:17

am always open to especially the notes

6:19

of an interior decorator, which it sounds like you are

6:22

Should we get rid of the head entirely?

6:24

Well, I guess I'm just so but

6:26

if we get rid of the head entirely How will

6:28

I do this and he turns to the door

6:31

and says watch me now? whether we get a while to

6:33

say we come with a funky style that gets us known for the

6:35

show and we mix the hip-hop reggae If we say it

6:37

is so and fuck the naysayers cuz they

6:39

don't mean a thing cuz this is what style

6:42

we bring Bone penis and gyros severed

6:44

head responds

6:44

now It's morning last night's on

6:47

my mind is something I need to get

6:49

off my chest and no matter

6:51

what may come to shine Your dream

6:53

will always be mine together all

6:55

mixed up You don't know what to do next thing

6:57

you turn around if I'm the person is you So

7:02

just get off of your ass and

7:05

at that the door Transforms

7:08

in front of you into a slightly

7:10

better door. It's still seen better

7:12

days the torches they go

7:15

from bad to better Yes

7:19

There's they're fine. The torches

7:21

are fine There was a there

7:23

was a wrinkled magic poster over

7:25

to the side and it's it's straightened

7:28

Wow Now scrum says I'm sorry.

7:30

You're not seeing us at our best as

7:32

the door swings open and you

7:34

are welcomed into Scrum

7:38

south

7:41

How does it smell it smells

7:44

terrible thank God Awful

7:48

did somebody die in here while they were

7:50

sitting yes unfortunately Very

7:53

bad time in the soaking valley

7:56

as we call it at scrum It just takes

7:58

over for me now and he starts narrowing

7:59

He says yes, this is where the resistance

8:02

has been has been stationed Unfortunately

8:05

every time we send a search party up sort

8:07

of figure out what's going on. They

8:09

don't come back Mmm. Okay.

8:12

They get mommy'd

8:14

They get mommy. Yes, they get mommy.

8:16

That's very good We're going to use that

8:18

and he there is so this this

8:21

this is a large this is a large room

8:23

This is probably in fact about this

8:25

is a probably about the size of I'd

8:27

say like the delighted wife This is your average

8:30

in in here. There's a bar that's

8:32

set up. There's there's there's stolen

8:35

flag ends of Ales

8:37

and beers There's a there's

8:39

a little chalkboard with a measly

8:42

little menu

8:44

on there just Not

8:46

a lot. There's there's Grueling

8:48

dreams are the only thing on this menu

8:51

not a lot of options on here But there's plenty of drink

8:53

plenty of beer people are moving

8:56

around There's wooden tables

8:58

scrum. He says make yourselves at home. Welcome

9:00

to the resistance. I unfortunately Need

9:03

to take care of so just grab a drink and

9:06

you when you hear you are You're

9:09

a tenant which is better than family. So

9:11

when you're here your family not really

9:13

you're a tenant Hahaha,

9:14

I do charge rent

9:16

though So that will be on the first of the month

9:18

and I will say I need a security deposit Of course just

9:21

for you to because what if you ruin my home,

9:23

you know What if it's my home really as much as

9:25

anyone else and I'm letting you in on it

9:27

really and I do all the repairs So if you think about

9:29

it, I'm the most benevolent bad that ever moved Well,

9:32

at least we're dealing with you directly so we don't have to pay a

9:34

broker fee Oh, but you do you

9:36

do you do any leaves that

9:38

he he he heads into a back room and

9:40

he closes the door a Scrum

9:42

turns towards the door stir-fry

9:44

steps behind him Making

9:46

sure each step follows his step so he can't

9:48

hear he turns his head Crowded

9:51

bar room with a lot of ambient noise He

9:54

turned his head 180 degrees around

9:56

and make eye contact with this crew. He then

9:59

makes the

9:59

You zip your lip hand gesture

10:02

with his hand on his backwards head

10:04

as he follows Scrum into

10:06

the secret room. Make a stealth roll.

10:10

So that is... That's

10:12

a 19. 19? Okay.

10:15

Scrum does not hear you.

10:18

You follow him

10:20

into the room. He doesn't hear a 20. It would

10:22

have been completely clean. But

10:24

at a 19, you step on a floorboard.

10:32

He hears it and he stops. He goes, It's

10:35

just a floorboard! And

10:37

he walks into the room. You follow him inside.

10:40

The camera does not follow you at this moment, though, sir. Instead,

10:43

it sticks with the group. And group, you

10:45

hear a, Well, what do my wandering

10:48

eyes do to heal? Oh, no.

10:51

Four for tidy friends and

10:53

zero reindeer. Hello, how

10:56

you doing here? Welcome to

10:58

the Resistance. I believe I recognize

11:00

you all. Now, have I seen you all before? I feel like

11:02

we're in a knowing way of each other. I see

11:05

you and I think of you as friends and as family

11:07

of some capacity. Now, if

11:09

I'm wrong, then I am stricken.

11:13

Then may God, whichever God, strike

11:15

me down right now. He stops and he looks around. No gods have stricken

11:17

me down. That means that to me, you are family.

11:20

I see one of you is holding your hand up right there. That,

11:22

to me, signals that you want to have a high five with

11:24

me. Senator Pepsi. Senator Pepsi. He's a

11:27

halfling, by the way, we're in all white. He

11:29

gives fellow

11:30

a high five. He goes, that's a high

11:32

five for friendship. Now I know that

11:34

we're friends, although I do not believe

11:36

I can place you. I'm having a little bit of

11:38

trouble placing you in my memory. I met so many

11:40

people in my days. You see, I've got all these brothers

11:43

and I've got my all these customers and

11:45

I've got all these friends. I keep an active

11:47

social life. I also have ex wives. That's the thing

11:49

you might not know about. Often married

11:51

rarely settled down. That's the way I like to do it. I

11:55

like to have a wife and then I like to get divorced

11:58

to that. Well, I don't know.

11:59

I'm always looking

12:02

for Mrs. Right. They don't like me so much. I don't

12:04

listen, they say. They say, they're a little pepsi.

12:06

You're always talking. You'd always talk, talk,

12:08

talk. It's always give, give, give, never take. I'm

12:10

Belo. I mean, it's always.

12:12

Belo.

12:14

Yeah, we've met. Well, why don't you say so? Oh, we have

12:16

met. I do believe I know you. You're the only tiefling

12:18

I've ever met in my life. That makes sense that

12:20

I would remember you in that way then. You are Belo

12:22

the tiefling. I will always remember that. I

12:24

will never forget. Belo the tiefling. You know, I have

12:26

a strategy I use, which is my mind powers.

12:30

I can go inside of my mind palace. It's a place I know

12:32

quite well. It's a field that I

12:34

visited when I was a child. Now they see a

12:36

mind palace. We want to have a lot of different

12:39

locations in there. Now, fields, big empties.

12:41

Albie's gonna

12:42

try to buster, right? Sure

12:46

thing. You easily get away from Senator

12:48

Pepsi, who has just zeroed in on Belo

12:50

right now, describing his mind palace and it's

12:52

just a field. Now I just start talking

12:54

about fields. And I lose

12:56

them all the time because it's just a field. You know, I

12:59

got nothing to say, but it's my favorite place. They said

13:01

pick your favorite place. My favorite place was a field,

13:03

school that I am. Yeah. That's

13:06

what I get for having a good memory in a field. It's where I

13:08

lost my virginity. Not your virginity. Oh. Under

13:12

cover of darkness, don't worry. But it wasn't

13:14

nice. I'm a Christian.

13:15

It was overcast. Is

13:17

this to one of your ex-wives or was this just

13:19

a casual? No, not one of my ex-wives. No, it's

13:21

possible to have sex outside of the bonds

13:24

of marriage. I agree. Which I myself have discovered.

13:26

And it's led to many a divorce for me, Senator

13:28

Pepsi. I'm not a faithful man, but

13:30

I am a good man. If you can excuse

13:33

an adulterous affair, which many of my

13:35

wives cannot, you see. That's

13:38

why I am an often divorced man.

13:40

You said your name was Belo. And I promise you

13:42

that I will never forget that name because I put it

13:44

in my mind palace.

13:45

Yeah. Yeah. I actually,

13:47

I stated the delighted wife once, but I've never

13:49

been to, what do you call this? The underwife.

13:53

We do. Matter

13:56

of fact, we do call this the underwife. I

13:58

didn't love it myself.

13:59

It gave me a mental image of an undertaker,

14:02

which is the last person I hope to see

14:04

in my life. I hope that when I die,

14:07

I am briefly conscious enough to see the

14:09

undertaker dressing my body up. I

14:11

wanna make sure I have a good funeral, only the

14:13

best for Senator Pepsi. You see? I

14:16

hope you do too. Senator, Senator. And they were terrible,

14:18

yes. Oh no, you had a good funeral? Yeah,

14:21

are your other brothers in the resistance? Well,

14:24

some of them are and some of them. And he sadly

14:26

looks down and says,

14:27

are not. Some

14:30

of them left town? No. No,

14:34

they did not. Two of my brothers, and

14:36

I'm sorry now to become so quiet and solemn.

14:39

Two of my brothers have been taken by mother. Oh,

14:41

I'm so sorry, Senator. And they work now

14:43

for her.

14:44

You might remember them if you do remember me, you

14:46

might as well remember my brothers. Pepsi

14:49

and Strong. They've

14:52

been taken from us. Taken just

14:54

like my other brother, whose name I don't

14:56

dare say. Oh, what the hell,

14:58

I'll say it to you right now. I've

15:00

got another brother no one's ever met. For his name is,

15:03

he takes his hat off and he puts it to his chest, fallen

15:06

Pepsi.

15:07

Oh my gosh, we didn't hear about

15:09

fallen Pepsi. Few have.

15:12

He was named after what happened to him. He died,

15:14

he's a fallen man. He

15:16

was, forgive me for saying

15:19

this Senator, but I think Strong

15:21

was my favorite of you all. I

15:23

understand, I had a certain fondness for Strong

15:25

myself. Now when I look in the mirror, I see Senator

15:27

Pepsi looking back at me and I like who I see. I

15:30

like Senator too. I don't blame you, but it doesn't

15:32

matter. And it doesn't matter to me where I rank among

15:34

my brothers. I've always said ranking brothers is

15:37

the first step on a road to a big family

15:39

fight. You should continue this with my friend Cordelia.

15:42

I'm gonna go get a beer.

15:43

Okay, I would love to allow

15:45

you to get a beer and he turns to Cordelia and he says, Cordelia,

15:48

your name is Cordelia? Bello, uh, yep. Bello,

15:51

your name is Bello. Okay, I will never forget. I will

15:53

lock that away in my mind palace, which is a field

15:55

by the way. Now, stir fry.

15:58

You are inside. of

16:01

Scrum's back

16:03

office. It's just you and Scrum

16:05

in there. Scrum takes a deep

16:07

breath. He looks out where

16:09

a window would be. Instead, it's just the poster of a

16:11

window. He sighs.

16:15

He takes his to pay off.

16:17

He sadly sets it on a hat rack.

16:20

Takes a deep breath. He says, oh, Scrum, what

16:23

are you going to do?

16:26

He takes a deep breath and he gets out his books and

16:29

he starts looking through them. So what does

16:31

stir fry see in this office? Stir

16:33

fry, it's a small office. It

16:36

is as baroquely decorated

16:39

as is possible here. It's

16:41

a little bit alley cat chic. You know how like

16:43

alley cats and cartoons will like, they'll make

16:45

a meal out of a trash can lid. You know,

16:47

like it's like that kind of, in

16:49

fact, there is a trash can lid here and

16:52

there's a little card on it that says fancy plate.

16:54

It is some of

16:57

Scrum's. There's a poster of a window looking

16:59

out on a beautiful tropical vista,

17:01

but it's just a poster. There

17:03

are books. There's a cabinet

17:06

and there is a single slowly

17:09

turning ceiling fan above Scrum.

17:12

A single pixie tied to the string,

17:14

a luminate with a flickering ass, illuminates

17:18

the room as Scrum sits at a large

17:20

desk. There's a, it looks like

17:23

he grabbed the chair just like off the street

17:26

that somebody was just like putting out for like,

17:28

hey, we don't want this chair anymore, you know? And like,

17:31

just, you know, grab a mattress and you get bed bugs.

17:33

It's like one of those, like says a big

17:36

leather chair like that. It's not as nice

17:38

as the stuff you're used to seeing around

17:40

Scrum. And for the first time you're seeing his bald

17:42

head. Strifreisiles

17:45

up behind Scrum. I

17:47

put my hand over his head and take out my

17:49

knife at the same time. I then in the same

17:52

breath, push his head

17:54

down and put the knife right in

17:56

front of his throat.

17:58

Oh, good God, goodness gracious. I'm

18:00

gonna grab your hand with one swift movement

18:04

and stir fry. You have never been like grabbed

18:06

by scrum before and there is a chilling amount of strength

18:09

behind the grab. He's

18:12

like he's got your wrist in his hand

18:14

and he he wheels around and he looks to you and

18:18

says goodness gracious. Hello. You have tried

18:20

to hurt me and my friends many times and I

18:22

made a vow that anyone who tried to hurt us want

18:24

to hurt us anymore. I don't believe

18:26

you want to hurt us anymore. I don't believe you want

18:28

to hurt us anymore.

18:31

Good God you could

18:33

just say as much to me. Look I am a

18:35

businessman. I am a man of

18:37

business. Yes there was profit

18:39

in hurting you before so sue

18:42

me. I'm sorry I didn't I

18:44

got off the lily pad by by

18:47

seeing an opportunity in front of me and seizing

18:49

it and so I did. I'm sorry

18:52

do you think you are the first person who

18:54

has tried to extract revenge on me for something

18:56

like that? Not going to happen bucko.

18:59

And at that he turns

19:01

your wrist back so it is

19:03

like a 90 degree angle. Yeah

19:05

and he's holding on to it and he says now look

19:09

if you don't want to stick around here and pay rent

19:11

like everybody else be my guest there's

19:13

the door.

19:16

But let's not put knives to each other's throats

19:18

because as soon as we start doing that I'm going to have

19:21

to call my boys and I have more boys than

19:23

you think I have. I've

19:25

got more boys than you think I have that too. What?

19:28

Yes yes. It sounded cool when I

19:30

said it. Is that what it sounded like? Yeah I mean yes.

19:33

Threats of boys? No let's not

19:35

talk like this. You hear a knock

19:37

at the office door. Oh we've got

19:40

company. Can you keep it together for two

19:42

minutes? Stirfry...

19:45

Can you keep it together for two minutes

19:47

while I handle my business? Stirfry

19:50

drops all of his limbs onto the ground.

19:53

That's what I thought. There's no money in hurting

19:55

you now you fool. He goes to open the door and

19:57

says hello.

19:57

Um you don't see anyone.

20:00

Hmm. Must

20:02

have been a phantom knock. Terrible

20:05

court and he closes the door. Albie, can

20:07

you make a stealth roll for me? Yes. Oh, 19.

20:15

He closes the door and he

20:17

turns back to stir fry. He misses

20:19

you. But stir fry, you can see Albie is standing

20:21

on the other side of the door now. Stir fry recollects

20:24

his limbs and rolls back to the wall. He

20:26

then puts his hands up.

20:28

Look, as far

20:30

as I can tell, you and your friends are potential

20:33

tenants right now. I might

20:35

not be everyone's cup of tea, but

20:37

I'm not in the habit of killing tenants.

20:40

I'm not. I'm a greedy man, not

20:42

a stupid man.

20:43

Albie signals she makes direct

20:46

eye contact with stir fry and, you know,

20:49

the look on her face is, what are you doing?

20:52

One of stir fry's eyes looks to her

20:54

and then looks back at a scrum. So it's

20:56

just one eye, not both. Scrum,

20:59

we're not going to pay rent. We're

21:01

not going to be in your debt. We're

21:03

going to take whatever we have we need

21:06

here and we're going to kill mother like

21:08

everyone else who's gotten in our way before.

21:11

You're going to kill mother? We're going to kill

21:13

mother. Then you have nothing

21:16

to fear from me. That's

21:18

not. I am a friend to you. I am an

21:21

enemy of mother and thus a friend to you.

21:23

You don't have to worry about me. Sure.

21:25

I told you a few lies before, which

21:27

you should have been smart enough to see through. I

21:30

think you think of yourself as a trickster, don't

21:32

you? Oh, I am a trickster. I'm very well

21:34

than trick people. What? I'm

21:36

a trickster. I trick people. Do

21:39

it if you're going to do it. Don't just talk about it. So

21:41

if you want to get out of here and you want to kill mother, be my

21:43

guest. But if you want to hurt the

21:45

head of the resistance, that's a that's

21:48

stupid. That's a stupid move. This stir

21:50

fry's eye goes to Albie again and then

21:52

moves up and down, up and down and moves

21:54

back.

21:56

She looks up and down and

21:59

then shrugs at him. Fucking- Uhh,

22:05

stir- one of stir-fry's arms- one of stir-fry's

22:08

hands flops down and tries to make a- like

22:10

a- a cut- a cut throat- a cut throat

22:13

sign.

22:14

Albi shakes her head! No.

22:18

Uh, stir-fry's hands drop. Alright,

22:21

alright, alright. Just want

22:23

you to know that we're serious here, and we won't be

22:25

fucked over. I'm not

22:28

trying to fuck you over. Now

22:31

if you really won't pay rent, you had better

22:33

kill Mother, or I am trying to fuck you

22:35

over. Is that clear? But that's clear.

22:40

What was that song you sang before? My

22:43

theme song? No, not that one. The

22:45

one that let us in. All

22:47

mixed up? Yeah. Did

22:50

you not know that one? No, that was cool. Oh,

22:53

there's a certain- there's like a theme that we try to- we

22:55

try to do themes for the passwords, you know?

22:57

We have to change them all the time. Mother keeps finding out

22:59

about other passwords.

23:02

Though they've gotta be technically difficult

23:04

to sing, right? But I try to keep them fun. Try

23:07

to keep them fun.

23:11

Ali, as you know, back to school shopping

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was 1995, and I, Joe Lepore, was a young man of 46 years

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did I know that Gregor was not a brand name, but

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a man. A man who showed up to my

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Gregor!

26:53

And we cut back outside. Which

26:55

is why I'm not a condom guy. Uh huh. It

27:00

just feel different, you know? It just feel

27:02

that. Oh my. Bello's at the bar. Bello,

27:05

you're at the bar. Virtue

27:07

Pepsi greets you at the bar. Hello there, friend.

27:10

Hello, Virtue. Ah, yes. My

27:13

name is Virtue Pepsi. I believe we've

27:15

met before. We have. Hey,

27:17

I was- Are you the one tiefling I've met in my

27:19

entire life? Guilty as charged, my

27:21

friend. Bello. Yes,

27:23

yes. I remember now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

27:26

That's me. I remember that game by putting it in a field

27:28

where my older

27:29

brother had sex. Fair

27:33

enough. Hey, where's punished Lucas?

27:36

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

27:39

And he takes, he's not wearing a hat, but he just like gestures

27:41

like he's taking a hat off and he puts it to his chest.

27:44

Fallen. No. Fallen

27:47

like my own brother, fallen Pepsi. Oh.

27:51

Well, that's not quite true. Punished

27:53

Lucas is alive and well. However, he's-

27:56

Any points up there?

27:59

Well, for his- For Jesus' sake, I can only hope

28:01

it's felt as a great

28:03

punishment. No, it's the

28:05

great irony you see. It turns out

28:08

that when Mother controls you by the brain,

28:10

it feels incredible. She turns

28:12

off all of your pain receptors. No!

28:15

It feels amazing. And so poor Punished

28:17

Lucas, a man addicted to pain, must

28:19

be in a hell unimaginable.

28:22

That's horrible. Yes

28:24

it is. What can I get you, friend? I'd

28:27

like a beer, but also there's one other

28:29

person I'm looking for. Ah, we have beer and spades. Beer

28:31

and spades. Bellows scanning the room

28:33

and he's looking for someone... How

28:36

sort of do you see? Sort of in a rodent

28:38

persuasion. Yeah, makeup perception roll.

28:42

That's a 16. A 16? You're

28:44

scanning the room, you see. No,

28:46

that guy's just short. He's not a rat.

28:49

That guy's just...he's got brown

28:51

hair all over his body. That's intriguing,

28:53

but he's not a rat. That guy's got sort of ratty features,

28:55

but he's not... If only those three guys could run together really

28:57

quickly. Maybe

28:58

we'd have one, but no, no, that's not...

29:01

That guy's wearing a diaper. No, that seems to be a sex thing. No,

29:03

that's just a... Yeah,

29:06

no, he's not here, Bellow.

29:12

Who are you looking for, my friend? I know that look.

29:15

I know it well. It was

29:18

the look in my own eye when I was looking for... Fallen

29:20

Pepsi. Yeah, I'm looking for... That terrible name.

29:23

That name that cursed him. Yeah.

29:27

I'm looking for Jerry. Jerry Mantle-jen?

29:30

Jerry Mantle...how do you know about Jerry

29:32

Mantle-jen? Well, I met him

29:34

around the time I met you. Oh,

29:36

dear. You went into the basement?

29:38

Yeah. It's

29:41

a long story. And I

29:43

haven't time for it. I have to pour the beers

29:45

aplenty. Jerry Mantle-jen

29:47

escaped into the sewers. We don't know where he is.

29:50

His whereabouts are unknown.

29:53

But he's...still free.

29:57

Free? Perhaps. Or perhaps

29:59

he was... snatched up by mother there's just

30:02

no way to know I'll

30:04

have to hope was

30:06

he a friend to you a student

30:08

perhaps I'd

30:11

like to think I taught him something

30:13

I'd like to think that too I prefer

30:16

the good thoughts to the bad ones ha ha

30:20

do you do

30:22

you know anything about mother I know

30:25

quite a great deal about mother unfortunately several

30:28

months ago some seeds sprouted

30:31

up out of the jail nobody

30:33

knows why nobody knows who planted them but

30:36

all agree that if we ever find who planted

30:38

them we will kill them in

30:40

a way that will maximize pain even

30:44

if it was sort of inadvertent

30:46

and not their fault and even if it

30:48

was inadvertent even it was not their fault

30:51

our way of life here in

30:52

the soaking valley has been ruined perhaps permanently

30:55

what if the people who are responsible

30:58

kill mother and save the town then

31:01

the sins would be washed clean that

31:04

would be the only way to do it though fair

31:07

enough virtue I'm virtue

31:09

Pepsi and your name was yes below

31:12

I'm going back to that field now below

31:16

turns back to Cordelia and

31:18

senator and me

31:20

I find

31:22

condoms fascinating they are

31:25

the interesting little there is a little

31:28

little creatures aren't they they're strange little

31:30

because the world of Cordelia they are they are alive

31:32

initially is

31:35

looking at fellow so hard

31:38

like just daggers daggers

31:40

into his eyes Oh Cordelia

31:42

I meant to ask you something in private got

31:44

okay yeah here come that's

31:47

fine I can talk to this little fella this

31:49

man who blew a little goblin of a creature

31:51

but a little bit of skeleton to your strange looking man

31:53

I don't mean to make any sort of commentary on

31:56

whether you're good to look at or bad to look at I

31:58

myself am no spring chicken I'm

32:00

a bit strange to look at myself, unless

32:03

what you're into is completely

32:05

white-haired halflings with

32:08

a happy expression on their face. Many are,

32:11

but not everyone's into it. There's

32:13

all different tastes make the world go round. What are you into,

32:15

my friend? I want to find out more

32:17

about condoms. Oh,

32:20

you came to the rock place. I'm a bit of a condom

32:22

expert, you see, due to my years of avoiding

32:25

them. We're cutting out of Belo and Cordelia. God,

32:28

Belo!

32:31

Sorry. I mean, I had

32:33

to, you know, I couldn't... I

32:36

was... self-preservation

32:38

kicked in. Yeah,

32:38

well, that's fine. It's

32:41

true. We did it to Freddie. What's going

32:43

on? Where's Albie? Where's

32:45

stir-fry? I thought they were with you. Cut

32:47

now to the inside of the office. As

32:50

Scrum is talking to stir-fry

32:53

and said, can I level with you? Yes.

32:57

Look.

32:59

I know your language. You

33:01

speak the language of hatred and violence. The

33:04

language I'm fluent in myself. Am

33:06

I right? Yeah, you are right. I've seen the way you

33:08

work. With a stone-cold killer. Yes.

33:12

What if somebody

33:16

non-mother-related was giving me trouble?

33:20

Somebody in the resistance.

33:22

Would it be worth your while if I were

33:24

to throw a little bit of money your way and you just

33:27

solved my problem? Are we understanding each other?

33:29

How could you solve my problem beyond

33:32

money? What

33:34

do you mean? I would

33:36

give the money to you. I'm proposing

33:38

an exchange of capitals for goods or services. In

33:41

this case, services.

33:42

I would give you money and in

33:44

exchange for that, you would provide a service for me. Are you not familiar

33:46

with this? No, I get it. I get it. It is my

33:49

job. I just know that sometimes people think money

33:51

is enough. You want more

33:53

than money. That's fine. I can give you property. I

33:55

can give you... Those are the

33:57

big two. I can give you an experience.

33:59

all sorts of experiences. I

34:02

don't know, so you've known me in the past, but you don't

34:04

know about my new duo, the Murder

34:07

Twins. Me and Albie are here. I know,

34:09

I'm not familiar with the Murder Twins. Just

34:11

quit beating around the bush and tell me, what's it gonna cost?

34:14

Albie, what else do we want?

34:17

Whoa! And he turns at that

34:19

and he says, someone else is in the room with a good car.

34:22

Yes. Well, if this is an ad for the Murder

34:24

Twins, consider me impressed.

34:26

I know. Yeah,

34:29

well, then you disappeared. You

34:32

two are a tricky bunch, aren't you? It seems maybe I underestimated

34:35

you. Who in the resistance is giving you

34:37

trouble? One of the Pepsi brothers.

34:39

Who else? Which one?

34:42

Those tricky Pepsi brothers. They're

34:44

a unit, you see. And so because two of them,

34:47

Pepsi and Strong, have now been absorbed by

34:49

Mother. Now the other Pepsi brothers are, oh,

34:51

they're dragging their feet. It's that horrible, the

34:53

oldest brother.

34:54

Senator? No,

34:57

older still. Older than

34:59

Senator? Older than Senator.

35:01

A

35:04

brother rarely met, but he makes all the decisions. He's

35:06

the power behind the other brothers. What

35:09

he says goes. No, I speak

35:11

of course of... He looks around both ways. He

35:14

lowers his voice. Stale, Pepsi.

35:20

Stale, Pepsi. Shh, keep

35:22

your voice down. Sorry. If this gets

35:24

out, if it gets out, I'm even considering doing something

35:26

like this. You know what would happen? You know what would happen to me?

35:28

But you're the leader of the resistance. Why

35:31

do you need to stale Pepsi's sign off? Because everything has

35:33

to come to a fucking vote.

35:38

It's terrible. I want to be a resistance,

35:40

right? We get up there, we kill Mother, but

35:43

they want to do it with minimal casualties. I

35:45

want to do it with maximal casualties.

35:47

You want to kill all the people that are Mother?

35:50

Not all of the people, most

35:52

of the people. They

35:54

are used to certain rents. And so when they're

35:56

dead, new people can come in. They're not used... They

35:58

don't know what rents are here. I don't

36:00

know why I thought we could do business with you, stir-fry,

36:02

come on! Scrum North.

36:06

What of it? Give me Scrum

36:08

North. Give you Scrum North,

36:10

the crown jewel of that part

36:12

of the road? Give

36:18

me Scrum North. You want Scrum

36:20

North? Yes. And in exchange, but in exchange, you'll

36:22

solve my problem? Yes.

36:25

Interesting. Alright,

36:27

bird. You drive a hard bargain. Scrum North

36:29

it is. Alright.

36:34

Alright. See,

36:36

I'll be soon we'll have a home. Yeah,

36:39

um, stir-fry, can I- Were you homeless? Well,

36:42

no, just we- well, well, actually,

36:44

yes, kind of. Um- Yeah,

36:47

well, neither here nor there. Now you have Scrum

36:49

North. Problem solved. But you need to solve my

36:51

problem now, or nothing. Understood.

36:53

And by the way, if you're caught, you

36:56

don't know me. I don't know you. Okay,

36:59

and if you're caught, same thing. Yeah,

37:01

of course, if I'm caught doing nothing,

37:04

sure. Yeah.

37:06

Okay, great. Yeah, no, you drive a hard bargain.

37:11

Um- Okay, I think we're

37:13

done doing business here. Yes. Let's

37:17

shake on it. And stir-fry shakes his shimmies,

37:19

his shoulders a little bit. You're-

37:21

you're fucking weird. Get out of my office. Alright,

37:24

peace. Um- Peace,

37:26

okay, yeah, peace. Wow,

37:28

y'all live- y'all live long and prosper, buddy.

37:30

Get out of here. Albie's gonna wait for

37:32

stir-fry in the hallway. Stir-fry

37:36

steps out. The camera

37:38

does not linger in the office. It is none of our business

37:41

what Scrum gets up to right now. Instead,

37:43

the camera follows stir-fry, and Albie- Oh, the camera

37:46

loves you guys.

37:47

Stir-fry, what were you trying to do in there? I

37:49

don't know. I get in the room with him, and he's quite compelling.

37:53

I wanted to kill him. I first just wanted to see what he was talking

37:55

about. It seemed like it's secret plans, secret

37:57

intentions. Stir-fry, don't-

37:59

You realize... where are

38:02

the fucking bad guys here? You

38:04

keep talking about all the people trying to fuck us over.

38:07

We ruined Peebus's life! We

38:09

ruined the Soaking Valley! We should

38:11

be trying to make this right! We should be trying

38:13

to go and get Polaris University

38:15

back! It's not right for

38:17

you to keep trying to just...

38:20

kill everyone that pisses you off! That's

38:22

not what... But that... That's

38:25

not what I thought we were talking about when we decided

38:27

to team up, you know? I... I

38:29

worked with you to kill Virginia because she was... She

38:32

was a bad person who was gonna ruin

38:34

our friend's life, but you're just... You're just

38:36

trying to fuck over anyone who looks at

38:38

you wrong.

38:39

That's not right, Stirfry. But

38:42

for you... for you, baby, for you,

38:44

for everyone... Why are you talking? That's not

38:46

what I want! I know it's... I know

38:48

it's what you're... You're so young, you're still a kid,

38:51

Albi. I'm not a kid! You're

38:56

a college student, alright? You

38:58

don't get it. You think we're just waltz back? You think

39:00

we're just waltz back home? We're gonna have to go to hell eventually.

39:03

Let's go to hell in style. Let's

39:05

go to hell with no one fucking us. Let's

39:08

go to hell with everyone knowing our names as

39:10

someone not to fuck with, okay? You

39:12

think that that's what's gonna happen when we get to hell? Is

39:15

that everyone is just gonna stay out

39:17

of our way?

39:19

Yeah, because they'd be so scared of us. They fuck with the

39:21

Resistance. They fuck with Mother. Every who came

39:23

in their path was destroyed. Surfroy, listen.

39:26

I love you, okay? I do. You drive

39:28

me crazy, but I love you. But you're wrong

39:31

here. This is... We're

39:33

the bad guys. And it's up

39:35

to us to fix this. And that's

39:37

why I'm going to hell. Not to prove

39:39

how bad I am.

39:42

And she walks away. But

39:45

I... Go

39:48

on, walk away. You're scared.

39:51

You're just scared. You're scared

39:53

to do what it takes, Albie. I

39:55

love you too. God damn it, I love you, because

39:57

you're a kid to me. You're just like P.P.S.T.

40:00

And I'm helping you be strong just like people

40:02

I'm helping you be strong.

40:04

I am the eldest bird Don't

40:13

be afraid of who you are you're

40:15

just like me a murderer

40:18

a Man

40:21

right behind you stir-fry taps you on the shoulders. I'm

40:23

so sorry is this not the bathroom No, this is not

40:26

I believe it's actually on the other side

40:28

to your left

40:29

Okay, I'm new to the resistance. Yep. Uh

40:31

me too. Oh

40:33

right on. Yeah Five Not

40:37

when you're about to use a bathroom Why

40:40

would that affect? Why would that affect the cleanliness of my

40:42

head? That's right after that you should be

40:44

worried You don't know if I want that brings my stuff

40:46

into dirt into your business See I mean

40:48

so then the guy I'm just oh you've got dirty hands. Yeah,

40:50

of course

40:51

a conscientious man. Here you go Well,

40:55

I don't want your dirt on my stuff What

40:59

a scene We

41:03

cut back to Belo and Cordelia in

41:05

the in the bar room. I Think we just have

41:07

to find like the best route to

41:09

mother and then we just like we got to get in

41:12

and out We got to like we got to just like take

41:14

care of this, you know, I I

41:17

don't think we should deal with mother Really

41:22

if we kill mother Mother

41:25

could go to hell Mother

41:28

could go to hell. I don't want to deal

41:30

with her again. Why don't we just pass

41:32

through this and deal

41:35

with The college like

41:37

we said we were going to I mean, that's what

41:39

I was saying earlier frankly Well,

41:43

I don't know. I don't know that you're wrong cord.

41:45

I Don't know why I'm raising

41:47

my voice But I just feel like we're

41:49

getting caught up in other people's stuff again

41:51

and again and again Don't we have

41:53

our own shit that we have our own one mission

41:55

like let's fucking do it for once Exactly

41:58

and like you're God damn right and

42:00

a drunk peepus points

42:03

his right hand on his left arm. Oh, my God.

42:06

And he says, you're goddamn right. You're

42:08

right.

42:09

What? Who cares about other people,

42:11

right? That's how I that's the way I've

42:13

always had to live. I

42:16

don't give a shit about the raccoons and the foxes

42:19

and the canaries

42:21

and the other birds native to this part

42:23

of the world. Robins. Robins.

42:29

Otters. I don't care about

42:31

any of them. I don't care. Cute as all hell, but

42:34

I don't I don't fucking care. It's just me.

42:36

I'm all alone. And

42:38

look and look at me. Look how well I turned out.

42:41

Peepus, that's not what I'm saying, though. I'm saying

42:43

what I'm saying. Yeah. Why would you say what

42:45

I'm saying? Yeah. Copying me much.

42:49

You interrupted to say. OK. All

42:52

right. I interrupted to agree with you.

42:54

I know exactly. But I'm but you're suggesting

42:56

that you don't care about anything. And

42:59

that's not what I'm saying. I'm not saying we shouldn't save

43:01

nihilistic cynic. A

43:04

badass, a 90s style badass

43:06

who plays by his own rules.

43:08

That's awesome, dude. Hell,

43:10

yeah. But I'm

43:12

just saying there's there are people to save.

43:16

They're just people in hell. We specifically

43:18

need to go save those people. And

43:21

if we kill mother,

43:23

that's just sending her to them. And

43:25

then when we get back from hell, we could take care of it. Exactly.

43:29

Look, if you guys want to do whatever you want to

43:31

do, I don't care. I'm just a

43:33

cool, jaded badass. And he takes a drag

43:36

of a cigarette and exhales

43:38

and says, we're inside, by the way.

43:40

Fair point.

43:43

Really cool. Albi marches

43:45

over to Belo and she's like

43:47

shaking. Belo can see she's really upset.

43:50

Babe, what's wrong? I

43:54

just I feel like. Mr.

43:58

Fry. Can you believe he

44:00

just wanted to he just doesn't see that this is our

44:02

problem? What?

44:07

He doesn't. She

44:11

sort of takes Bello by the elbow and like

44:13

pulls him away for a second to talk to him privately.

44:16

And as you pull him, you pull

44:18

him back. Senator Pepsi and

44:21

Frederick. And they're just in

44:23

the middle of a conversation. So Senator Pepsi,

44:26

you're telling me that I can enjoy all

44:29

of the carnal delights, a bone

44:32

shattering orgasm inside

44:34

of another person

44:36

without the terrible,

44:39

all encompassing fear

44:41

and anxiety that I put baby

44:43

in them? That's right. That is

44:46

exactly what I'm saying, even though that isn't what I meant

44:48

to say. As you remember, I was firmly on

44:50

the side of no condoms. I'm not a fan of the condoms.

44:52

And yet I have somehow turned into an advertisement

44:55

for condoms. But if that's the way you want to go, that's

44:57

the way you want to go. Everybody's

44:59

life is special and it is their own. I

45:01

wouldn't want to meet another senator Pepsi, except

45:04

the one I meet every day in the mirror. So maybe

45:06

I would. Hell, it might be very fun to meet another

45:08

senator Pepsi. Where was this sentence going? That's

45:10

anybody's guess. I'm not really a plan

45:13

them out, as I say, I'm kind of guy. I'm often

45:14

surprised by the things that I say that

45:17

come out of my mouth, that fall out of my mouth,

45:19

like turns out of a horse's butt. And

45:21

Bella, when I keep walking.

45:23

Bella,

45:28

did you hear what I. Did

45:30

you hear how this happened? It's because of the

45:32

seeds that we took from mother that

45:34

we just left. You

45:37

know, it's it's we keep ruining

45:40

people's lives. I don't. Albie, I'm going to shoot

45:42

you straight and say I don't remember the

45:44

seeds or leaving the seeds. But

45:47

hearing that, I do understand that this could

45:49

be our fault.

45:50

Yes, yes. I mean,

45:52

I think he was hanging on to them, but like,

45:55

but we didn't. Fred, but

45:57

we didn't stop him and we didn't, you

45:59

know. I don't remember if it was you or me who

46:01

left Peepus on the ground, but we didn't come back

46:03

for him and now look everyone's

46:06

lives are just terrible and it's cuz

46:08

it's cuz of us. I

46:12

don't know if we're gonna come back from hell.

46:14

I don't know if we will have time to make

46:16

it right, but we're here now and

46:19

there's a resistance and they're trying really hard and

46:21

I want to help them.

46:22

You don't think we're gonna come back from hell?

46:29

I think we should be prepared that we

46:31

might not. This

46:33

is sort of hitting Belo for the first time. His

46:39

face darkens hotly. I'll

46:41

be like... I'll

46:45

be like... Careful. I'll

46:50

be... puts her

46:53

hand on his cheek. Yeah,

46:55

I mean... I...

47:00

I'm not counting on it. I

47:04

see. Alright

47:06

then. Then

47:10

we gotta take care of it now and if we meet Mother

47:12

again in hell, so be it. She

47:15

might not go to hell, you

47:17

know, I don't know if she's got

47:20

a soul to speak of. Yeah,

47:25

I mean maybe she could... maybe we could like send

47:28

her to heaven. Maybe we could

47:30

send her to heaven. Yeah,

47:33

and she kisses him on the face. Yeah, yeah,

47:36

that's the spirit. Let's send Mother

47:38

to heaven.

47:39

Let's send Mother to heaven and Belo

47:41

kisses Albie on the face. Just

47:46

missing the mouth. Glancing

47:49

her lips. Like

47:54

an aerial strike on the face. Kisses

47:56

Albie on the eye. Thanks.

48:01

Senator Pepsi overhears you and says, here

48:03

here, let's send mother to heaven. Here

48:07

here.

48:07

Here here. Whoa. Hip

48:10

hip. Let's send mother to heaven. Let's

48:12

send mother to heaven.

48:32

Well, that's what I call

48:34

an episode of Rude Tales

48:37

of Magic. It's me, Senator

48:39

Pepsi. The grave freaker is,

48:42

uh, he's out on a hot date.

48:44

He's out on a hot date right now with a wretched

48:46

ghoul. So I'm taking over the outro

48:48

duties for him, for the, uh, that

48:51

grave freaker, that terrible, horrible

48:53

little man. Uh, is he a puppet?

48:56

Is he a human being? Ain't nobody

48:58

know the answer to that one. Certainly not me. I'm

49:01

Senator Pepsi from Rude Tales of Magic, and

49:04

I'm doing the outro. Now where, who

49:06

is what in this? I don't know who played what, because

49:09

you understand to me, I don't know. I

49:11

don't know. I'm confused by what I'm about to say. These

49:14

actors, actors played these characters.

49:16

My whole reality has been thrown

49:19

into chaos to learn this. My

49:21

reality is under assault right now, as

49:23

I tell you the following information, which was that

49:26

was Ali Fisher as Cordelia.

49:28

Now Cordelia, you may remember, she's that tall fella, that,

49:31

that large Sasquatch who, now you understand to me, I'm

49:33

a half lit. So I'm half the size of

49:35

a man. Now she took that,

49:37

you know, double sized size of a man there. So to

49:40

me,

49:40

she's six times, I don't know if the math works out. I'm

49:43

more of a bartender than I am a mathematician,

49:45

but that's who played Cordelia. A woman by the name

49:47

of Ali Fisher, who I believe works

49:50

in publishing.

49:51

Now, as for Albee, that was played

49:53

by, by a woman by the name of Carly

49:55

Monado. Carly Monado, you

49:57

might be familiar with, if you are afraid of it. of

50:01

Carly Minardo's work as an illustrator.

50:04

She's worked all over the all over town on

50:06

all sorts of different shows a boy goil

50:09

boy boy boy boy goil I don't

50:11

swim My

50:14

accent laid waste to the bird

50:16

girl boy goil That's

50:19

what that's what Carly Minardo worked on as she was albie

50:22

now you have to please understand that I

50:25

Sort of having like a Lovecraft situation

50:27

as I realized that these characters that

50:29

I mean that I know that to me are real They're

50:32

but they're both shadows on a cave wall

50:34

played by these actors Christopher Hastings

50:37

now That man's a stranger to me, but he

50:39

played Frederick the bones big now He's

50:41

not a character there. He might

50:43

not be like a brother to me. You know

50:45

my brothers. I'll list them now We got

50:48

uh we got strong Pepsi.

50:49

We got pipsie Pepsi. We got virtue

50:52

Pepsi We got blue cocky Pepsi where

50:54

we got others that I don't I don't remember

50:56

if they were or were not introduced in

50:59

this episode Because by the nature of storytelling

51:01

I don't remember what was said in this episode

51:04

But I do know that Christopher Hastings played Frederick the

51:06

boat me now Christopher Hastings He

51:08

is a comic artist par excellence

51:11

What you're gonna want to do is you're gonna look up there any any

51:13

comics written or illustrated by Christopher

51:16

Hastings You're gonna want to read them

51:18

We want to read them unless you're illiterate

51:20

which I have to assume a big

51:22

chunk of our fans are and for you I say

51:24

bad news Joe Laporte

51:27

Joe Laporte played the character Who

51:30

to me is a real poison and his name is

51:32

bellow Joe Laporte an incredible

51:34

comedian in in in New

51:36

York? You should check out his sketch comedy

51:38

group nitro goyels At

51:41

magnet theater he also runs another

51:43

podcast called ODEES those stars

51:45

of space that when I listen to it I take

51:47

enormous

51:48

psychic damage imagining these

51:50

these horrible stories out beyond the

51:52

stars which to me The

51:54

sky is a flat a soyfish

51:56

that if you get up high enough you touch it

51:59

you touch it you just

51:59

you put your finger in it. But no, now I've

52:02

learned from listening to, on what? On

52:04

what would I listen to? Oh, these those styles of space.

52:07

Somehow though, I have listened to it. And I

52:09

gotta say, not a fan of Groomda,

52:11

who was played by Stor-

52:13

Tim Platt. Tim Platt,

52:16

he played Stor-Fry. Now, Tim Platt,

52:20

what a weird little fella, as would Buffet,

52:22

the actor who plays Stor-Fry. Tim

52:24

Platt's a comedian, you should check out his show, Made of

52:27

Bugs. He's

52:29

coming up at

52:29

a certain point, or maybe it's not. I don't, but you

52:32

know what, you know what, I'll tell you what you should do. You should

52:34

look up Tim Platt on social media. He's always doing

52:36

a show or another, or look up one of his videos. He

52:38

has one I really like where a guy's

52:41

job is to just enhance images

52:45

of Hellraiser, a pinhead from

52:47

Hellraiser. Just look at him. Tim is

52:49

a unique comedy voice. That sounds like

52:51

a shot at Tim. I assure you it isn't.

52:54

He's a dear friend. He was in my wedding.

52:57

Uh, uh-oh. At this point, the wall

52:59

between

52:59

me and Branson Reese breaks down just a little

53:02

bit there. Branson Reese played everything and

53:04

everyone else, including me. When

53:06

I look into a mirror, I don't recognize

53:08

my own reflection and I get scared

53:11

as can be. Root Tales of Magic

53:13

is produced by Bucket of Milk. Now,

53:15

that's a good name for a blood company, Bucket

53:17

of Milk. When I think of a Bucket of Milk,

53:20

I don't want to tell you what goes through my head.

53:22

And I'll get into that in a second, but we got actual

53:25

credits I should get to. Steve De La

53:27

Mayta, he's who edited this

53:29

beautiful episode of the podcast. If

53:31

you loved this episode, I want you to find

53:34

Steve De La Mayta and thank him. Or

53:36

don't do that. That's a, don't breach

53:38

that. Don't cross that parasocial

53:41

boundary, but I want you to think good thoughts

53:44

of Steve De La Mayta. And while you think of good thoughts, I want you

53:46

to give a good thought, give a warm

53:48

thought to Mike Rugnetta. We're

53:50

giving him a special thanks there for engineering

53:53

this episode.

53:53

And boy, boy, he pulled

53:56

us out of a pickle jar. pulled

54:00

us out of a pickle jar. We were just we were drowned inside

54:02

of a pickle jar. Mike Rugnetta, he reached in and

54:04

he pulled us out. He special helped with

54:06

the engineering. This episode was sound designed

54:08

and scored by Michael Wolf

54:11

himself. If you now, Michael

54:13

Wolf is a close personal friend of

54:16

Branson's. Uh he's a good man and

54:18

he did excellent. Boy, he called this episode. If you

54:20

like this episode, I don't know if it's part

54:22

of that is doing the Michael Wolf. Now

54:24

we got to where we had additional sound design

54:26

from Michael Gelfey and Taylor

54:28

Moore and we got

54:29

oh boy, we got some big ones. I gotta

54:32

thank here. We gotta thank Tyler Button and

54:34

Sydney and Benjamin Paul who are our highest

54:37

patron to Patreon patron

54:39

tears without them. It's very

54:41

unlikely that we'd be keeping the lights on or

54:43

even alive. That's right. We

54:46

are very lives to these

54:48

to these wonderful creatures. Usually

54:50

when someone calls someone a creature, it's an insult.

54:53

I mean it quite the opposite. I mean it is one

54:55

of the gravest compliments that's ever

54:57

been given. Now, do something I want to say before

54:59

I get y'all out of here.

55:02

There's a lot of talk in this episode about condoms.

55:04

When you should wear them, when not to

55:06

wear them. I believe I came down hard

55:10

on the side of anti condoms saying don't wait.

55:12

Don't you ever wrap it up? Don't do whatever you do. Don't

55:14

you wear a condom? Don't you do it?

55:16

But now I gotta say, I know we got a lot of young listeners.

55:19

Sometimes it's okay to wear a condom. If

55:21

you're not sure, if you're in a situation where you should

55:23

I wear a

55:23

condom? Should I not wear a condom? You don't know

55:25

what to do? Put a condom on. Couldn't wait.

55:28

Now maybe maybe you can't put a condom on. Maybe you

55:30

don't got the parts. Help your partner

55:32

get a condom on. Maybe you you carry a condom

55:34

with you. So just wrap it. Maybe you

55:36

don't want kids. Maybe you're not a place where you're ready

55:38

for kids.

55:40

Maybe because I don't know. You don't

55:43

know how potent you are. Your Everest

55:46

boy could be a soldier, a warrior

55:48

of virtue. Just shoot

55:50

on through the boys canal. Well, they don't go

55:53

through the boys canal. That's later. Now

55:55

that's that's a that's a

55:57

boy to the story for another day.

55:59

I'm curious, are there,

56:02

and this horrifies me to consider if there are young

56:04

children who listen to Rude Tales of Magic and this

56:06

is how they're getting the talk. I hope not.

56:09

That's a horrible thought for me

56:11

to, I don't know what, I don't know. I

56:13

got, I can, right now I can see Joe on the

56:15

Zoom as he directs the outro and he doesn't

56:17

know. He's putting his hands up. He don't know what

56:19

to do. He's shaking his head. I'm

56:22

shaking my head. We are brothers

56:24

in confusion. We don't know what's going

56:26

on. We don't know which way is left, which

56:28

way is right. By the way, I'm delivering this entire

56:31

outro

56:32

from my mind palace, the field

56:34

where I lost my virginity and it's as

56:36

overcast as ever. I cannot

56:39

see the sun. I

56:40

can't see it. But what I can see is

56:43

my memories of losing my virginity,

56:45

one in an open field. That's

56:48

how I did it. In an open field,

56:50

I just had sex on an overcast day.

56:53

We couldn't wait to get to a bed. Now

56:55

I tell you, I've had sex since then. I've done

56:57

it in a bed. I've

57:00

done it in a couch. I've done it in a back seat of a car.

57:02

In a couch is a strange way. On a couch

57:05

is how you do it. But

57:07

in a field, not one of the best ways to

57:10

do it. If you are a disoining fella

57:12

and you got your pick of

57:15

the litter for where you could have sex, don't

57:17

you do it in a field? What are you, a beast?

57:21

What

57:21

are you, one of God's lower creatures? I

57:23

don't think so.

57:24

Or maybe you are. You listen to root tales of magic

57:27

after all. You disgust

57:29

me. Oh no, I've been told not to do

57:31

that. Don't talk about the fans that way.

57:34

You guys ever check out the Patreon? There's a Patreon,

57:36

there's a, ABC, they

57:38

say, ABC. It's not just the beginning

57:41

of the alphabet. It's also, it's

57:43

a thrilling business model philosophy.

57:45

Always be closing. You go to patreon.com,

57:48

place root tales of magic. You can access

57:50

a bonus content from years, years

57:52

yonder, years back in the past.

57:55

It was oily days of COVID and I had lost

57:57

my damn mind. So I watched all of

57:59

Space Jam. for no fucking reason

58:01

and I did an audio commentary as

58:04

Senator Pepsi, who is me. So

58:06

of course I did it. I just did it out of character because

58:08

I was Senator Pepsi. And I watched along

58:10

with Space Jam. It's sort of an artifact

58:13

of a different time. So if you want to, if you're

58:16

young, let's say you're super young, maybe you're in the

58:18

future, you're like, what was it like at the dawn of COVID?

58:20

I want you to listen to that and you'll know it was

58:22

not a good time.

58:25

So that's everything that I have to say. I've

58:27

never, I've never run out of things to say

58:29

before. Usually people will cut me off.

58:31

They'll cut me off left and right. They're saying Senator Pepsi, we

58:34

don't want to hear what you got to say anymore. But

58:36

this is what happened. When I'm alone, I just

58:38

talk until I fall asleep.

58:40

Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo,

58:42

shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.

58:44

Good night. Shoo,

58:48

shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. Shoo,

58:51

shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. Honks

58:53

you. That

59:01

was a Headgum Podcast.