0:05

Hello all you victims out there

0:08

in Radioland. It's me

0:10

the Grave Freaker welcoming you

0:12

to the graveyard for a very special

0:15

Halloween episode of Rude Tales

0:17

of Magic, or should I

0:19

say, Blood Tales of

0:21

Depravity. That's right, strap

0:24

in. This episode will scare

0:26

the cum out of you. Oh, I'm sorry.

0:29

Oh, I was reading the wrong intro. That's for

0:31

our very special Patreon tier. This

0:34

episode will scare the piss

0:36

out of you.

0:37

Still pretty scary. New

0:48

York City. Gotham.

0:51

Forget about it. I'm

0:54

walking here. A thin

0:56

crust pizza. Liberty.

1:00

The Big Apple. Take

1:03

a bite. Crunch. Oh

1:07

no. Is that a worm? No.

1:12

Worse. Half

1:15

a worm. For you see, you've eaten the

1:17

other half of the worm. Just one of the gruesome and macabre surprises

1:19

that awaits you in the city that never sleeps. It's dusk now. Or

1:22

as vampires call it, dawn. We

1:24

open our eyes. We

1:27

open on a dark alley in downtown

1:30

Astoria, Queens. A

1:32

young woman is dressed all in mesh

1:34

and leather with heavy eye makeup.

1:38

She stands outside a door in an alley

1:40

surrounded by trash. The

1:42

twist? She's not young at

1:45

all. She's actually 300. Happy

1:48

birthday. Or should I say, happy

1:50

death day. You see, she is a vampire.

1:53

She knocks. She

1:56

knocks lustily on the metal door. An

1:58

eye slide.

1:59

The blood opens and two eyes with heavy

2:02

eyeliner greet hers. What's

2:04

the password? She smiles,

2:07

revealing two long sharp canines.

2:10

For you see, she is indeed a

2:12

vampire. She

2:15

whispers. To end

2:17

is human. To drink blood

2:20

is vampire. The

2:23

eyes look from side to side. No,

2:26

that is the old password. The

2:28

new password is things

2:30

that go bump in the night. She

2:33

smiles sexily. Okay.

2:36

The eyeslot closes and the door opens.

2:39

We follow her in. For you see,

2:42

we are invisible and can just

2:44

follow people around wherever.

2:47

This is what is known as audience privilege,

2:49

a concept so obvious that I

2:51

am the first to explain it. Perhaps

2:54

we enter a large, crowded, dimly

2:57

lit bar. Sisters of Mercy

2:59

plays over the speakers as all sorts

3:02

of vampires mill about. Why

3:04

if you didn't know any better, you'd think

3:06

that this was a goth bar or

3:09

perhaps the factory where they assemble

3:11

cure fans. But you do know

3:13

better, wise as you are. You

3:16

know that this is a vampire

3:18

bar. And although you don't currently

3:21

know the name of the bar, by sentence

3:23

end you'll know it as well as any phrase,

3:25

for the name of the bar is the empty

3:28

neck. The bartender,

3:31

a pony-tailed vampire with his

3:33

damn nipples out, is pouring

3:35

blood from the tap. This

3:38

one's on the house. But if you'd like

3:40

to pay me back with sexual favors,

3:43

I wouldn't say no. That's just

3:45

how it goes in the libidinously

3:47

preposterous vampire community.

3:50

Hell, look at me. I've already propositioned

3:52

you and I don't even know your name

3:55

plus my damn nipples are out. What

3:57

is that name? Mine is

3:59

tarantula. Tarantula's is

4:02

scary odd. Thank you. I am.

4:06

And you hear lightning crash outside.

4:09

Count Dracula. Whoa.

4:12

The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

4:14

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

4:16

the, the one and only.

4:19

Tarantula's runs over to a bell and rings it. He

4:21

goes, we got Cal Dracula, folks. We

4:24

got Cal Dracula here tonight. People

4:26

are just sliding you drinks. Congratulations,

4:29

Count Dracula. They love you here. The

4:31

count magnanimously nods

4:34

his head and gestures

4:36

with long fingers

4:38

with longer nails on the end waving. Yes.

4:43

Yes. Thank you. This is

4:45

my first time in the

4:47

new world. A young vampire,

4:50

a mess just sort of like grinds on

4:52

you and says, oh my God, it's always been

4:54

a pleasure to meet you. Count

4:57

Dracula yourself. You're my biggest

4:59

inspiration. You know, they say they

5:01

can trace my bloodline back to you. I

5:04

see. And Dracula

5:07

wipe body grime off

5:09

of his pitch black suit pant

5:12

that is left from the grinding gentleman.

5:15

Yeah. That's

5:17

my grime. It's all yours. My name

5:19

is Final Sentencing. Final Sentencing.

5:21

Final Sentencing.

5:23

It is true. I have hired

5:25

with many brides who have clouded

5:28

the world

5:29

and I have yet to find them fear

5:32

older than I, except

5:34

for whatever dark horse

5:37

turned me a cow. Of

5:39

course. Those are the legends. Oh

5:41

yeah. Oh yeah. Oh,

5:44

can I buy you a drink? I never drink.

5:47

Oh. Wine. Oh,

5:50

of course. Oh yeah. Oh, the line,

5:52

the line, the bar cheers. Everyone goes wild.

5:54

The line, the line, the line. Dracula

5:57

is confused. He's like, what? Why?

6:00

I don't... I've

6:02

never... What line? The

6:04

line! The big... Oh my g... Do you know the

6:06

movies about you and stuff that exist in

6:08

this world? The Todd Browning film,

6:11

the Hammer films, all of the drag... They... They...

6:13

You're famous! Everyone tells

6:15

me to watch these movies. But

6:18

I think they're probably... crazy.

6:21

No, well, some of them, yes, don't watch

6:24

Renfield, but like... Yeah, some of them are like

6:26

really good. You should check them out. Yeah. Oh,

6:28

hey, by the way, could you make a... Could

6:30

you make a blood roll for me? Of course.

6:35

I rolled a one. A

6:39

one? That's good. That's what you want. So

6:41

this is actually a great example for us to explain what we're doing

6:43

here. You might think we're playing Vampire

6:46

the Masquerade. No, idiot. Not you

6:48

guys, the listeners. Don't worry, I'm only chastising

6:50

our patrons. Phew. That game is complicated.

6:53

It's hard. It is frankly unpleasant

6:56

to look through that book. We're playing a

6:58

modded sort of vampirey, goth-y,

7:01

sexy version of Lasers and Feelings. So

7:03

you've got your blood number, which means you

7:06

need to roll a D6 and... Or

7:08

sorry, you didn't get your blood number. I'm explaining everything. You're

7:10

making a blood roll, which means

7:13

you have a number somewhere from 2 to 5.

7:17

And when I asked for a blood roll, you have to

7:19

roll a D6 and get lower than that or

7:21

your same number. Chris, what is your

7:23

number? So

7:28

you got under that. That means you got a success. That

7:31

means the temptation to even though

7:33

it is there wouldn't be any blood in there, you

7:35

still feel this like... You feel

7:37

this passing moment where you just want to

7:39

grab Final Sentencing and

7:42

just drink whatever life force

7:44

is in him. Just drink it out through the neck. And

7:46

you overcome it. You don't have to do

7:48

that. moves

8:00

over gently now to another end of the bar

8:03

where somebody else is ordering while all of this

8:05

hullabaloo goes on. Hello!

8:08

You hear a buzzing

8:10

and then the buzzing stops

8:13

and a voice comes from upon

8:15

the bar. Hello bartender,

8:18

hello! The bartender pays you

8:20

no mind. Oh no! But

8:24

you do a vampire, a

8:26

sort of like Elvira-y vampire, like

8:28

the big hair is

8:30

near you and says, oh a little one.

8:33

What is your problem? What

8:36

is your situation? Oh no

8:38

problem. I'm just

8:40

looking to get a drop

8:42

of water. I'm so thirsty. Water?

8:46

Here in the vampire bar? That

8:48

is unheard of. Yeah,

8:50

that's a really good point. Thank you,

8:53

I thought so when I said this. Okay, so

8:55

I also was thinking

8:57

I wanted to get

9:00

a glass of water actually

9:02

to leave it here on the bar to see if I

9:05

could lure any humans out.

9:07

Oh, little one. What is your name by the way?

9:09

My name is the dreaded narcotic. Hello

9:11

dreaded narcotic. My name is Big

9:14

Frank. Big Frank? Yeah.

9:18

That is the name is full of irony as you are

9:21

not full of blood for you see you are so

9:22

tiny. That's the thing that's so funny about

9:24

it. I'm so

9:26

small. I wondered why I was laughing

9:28

and now I know. Now you know. You

9:31

may have heard of me and my folk.

9:34

We are the mosquito vampires. Oh,

9:36

the mosquito vampires.

9:37

You are the one who took the dawn of time,

9:39

the creation myth, right? That's

9:42

us as a creation myth

9:43

at the dawn of time.

9:45

That's why originally mosquitoes were

9:47

harmless little flying insects

9:49

and you turned all of them.

9:51

Yes, we got them boys.

9:52

I

9:55

would like to shake your hand but I will have to

9:57

settle for you shaking my finger on account of

9:59

yours so small.

9:59

If I get lucky and a human

10:02

comes by and drinks the water I want to order,

10:04

I make it big enough to shake your hand.

10:07

Well,

10:08

I guess this is a great opportunity

10:10

for you to make a culture role. That

10:12

is the other end of the spectrum. Blood,

10:15

the primals, the

10:17

forces that guide us vampires after the night. And

10:19

culture is such a way as we pass, the

10:22

way we trick human beings into thinking we are one

10:24

of them. I do not know how you do it, small as you

10:26

are, but hehe, make a culture role.

10:30

I rolled

10:31

a 2. A 2? And my

10:33

number is a 5.

10:35

Oh no, my friend. Oh,

10:37

your culture role was

10:39

a rousing failure.

10:40

Oh no! That

10:43

makes sense.

10:44

You put your water, you, I, so I, you

10:46

know what, you give the water, time

10:48

passes. You are served water, somehow. You

10:51

get your water, you leave it out.

10:52

But unfortunately, my friend, no

10:55

human.

10:56

No humans come back to drink it. I am

10:58

so sorry. Are

10:58

there no humans here tonight? Not

11:00

generally. Humans love water.

11:03

They do love water, but this is a vampire

11:05

bar. Do you not know? This is only

11:07

for vampires to come and mingle and hang

11:09

out and be free from the judgments of

11:11

humans.

11:12

I just assumed someone would bring

11:15

a snack.

11:15

Sometimes yes, they do drag in a human

11:18

who is mistaken to believe that this is just

11:21

like a sexually charged bar.

11:23

Yes, and they always order water

11:25

because they don't know what's going on and they feel disoriented.

11:28

That

11:28

would have been the case if only you had rolled higher.

11:30

Oh geez. I'll

11:33

have a water. And

11:36

the dreaded narcotic looks

11:38

to the side and what does she see? She

11:41

sees a man, early

11:44

20s, jet black hair,

11:46

wearing a black tank top. This

11:49

guy sounds... Even though it's cold out, I'm

11:51

saying it's like March. Or

11:53

it's Halloween. Or yeah, or maybe it's Halloween.

11:57

It's October 31st and yet this guy's

11:59

out in a tank. top with no jacket. October

12:01

31st. It's a very March-like

12:03

weather, really. Yeah. If

12:06

you take him in, you notice a few other things. For

12:08

instance, hanging out of his back pocket,

12:11

a pair of sunglasses? What the fuck? A

12:14

vampire never carries sunglasses. If

12:17

we zoom into his pocket, we see

12:19

a torn-up baseball

12:21

ticket from today's World Series

12:24

game. There's

12:27

only one October. And it was a day

12:29

game? What the fuck? What?

12:33

We zoom even farther into this guy's pocket,

12:35

and we see... The molecules

12:38

that make up the pocket. We

12:40

zoom out. We see, in

12:43

his wallet, a blood

12:44

donor card. What?

12:46

This doesn't make any sense at all. This guy's practically

12:48

human.

12:49

Vampires are famously blood receivers, Joe.

12:51

What the... I'm sorry. I'll

12:53

allow it, but you better be going somewhere

12:56

with this, Joe. Yeah.

12:59

I'll take a water. I'm actually not

13:01

a vampire. A

13:03

big prank launches

13:05

herself up into the air, and

13:07

nobody notices. It buzzes around

13:10

to the back of this newcomer, and

13:13

his neck is

13:14

exposed, right? Because he's wearing a tank top? Yeah, of course

13:16

it's exposed. I assume his neck is exposed. It's like a turtle

13:18

top. A turtle's neck tank

13:20

top. He'd get a dickey on with his tank top.

13:23

Okay, so then just below the dickey. Well,

13:26

just like his upper back. Just below the dickey.

13:29

She

13:31

lands

13:32

and attempts to puncture

13:35

into his skin.

13:36

Before you can, he

13:39

makes piercing eye contact

13:42

with lightning-fast reflexes

13:44

and looks you in your weird

13:47

little buggy eyes and says, I wouldn't

13:50

try that if I were you. It's a man

13:52

turned all the way back around. Well,

13:54

how far are you?

13:55

I thought you I was on the back of your

13:57

neck. Oh, well, he turned enough.

13:59

He turns to his side. You know, he kind of like gets you. It

14:02

could be Scholzer. Okay, she's on your sofa. There's

14:04

a series of mirrors in the bar that aid him. Mirrors

14:07

in which only he appears. Whoa! Oh

14:10

yeah, the vampires are flexing having mirrors

14:12

in the bar.

14:14

So she puts her hands up, like, ah,

14:16

you

14:16

caught me. I don't think you'd like this blood.

14:18

I'm built a little different. Go

14:21

on. Well, I'm not

14:24

just a human. I'm something

14:26

more... What what? I

14:29

don't even know your name. I'm Big

14:31

Frank. Hi Frank. My

14:33

name is Caleb. Thank you.

14:36

Caleb Dark. Caleb!

14:40

What a cool name! You might be

14:42

wondering how I got here. I'll tell

14:44

ya. I dr... Okay. I

14:46

fell in love with a vampire, see? Oh, okay,

14:50

she sits, um, crisscross applesauce

14:52

on her shoulder. I thought her and I would be together

14:54

forever, but ultimately she dumped

14:56

me for another vampire. Oh,

14:59

I'm so sorry, Caleb. But because of

15:01

my undying love for her, I was shunned

15:03

by my own community. So now I only

15:06

find peace amongst the vampir.

15:08

So what's with your blood?

15:10

Well... What

15:12

was that part? I'm not totally a normal

15:14

human. See? You wouldn't

15:16

like me on a

15:18

full moon? Okay,

15:20

I'm listening. I'm a werewolf.

15:23

Oh,

15:23

she flies back. Oh

15:26

my gosh!

15:27

I know, I know. Our kind have

15:29

warred for centuries. And yet,

15:31

this is the only place I call home.

15:34

Caleb, what are you doing here? You're gonna get ripped apart?

15:37

You're gonna get shattered! No, no,

15:39

I've earned the respect of many vampires by constantly

15:42

aiding them in their missions and quests. Oh,

15:44

against your own kind? No,

15:46

usually against,

15:47

like, other monsters or,

15:49

like, evil vampires. Oh, yeah,

15:51

yeah. You know, if there are any, like, Italian vampires...

15:54

A battle-hardened vampire

15:56

at the end of the bar turns and

15:58

looks at Caleb's body.

15:59

dark and gives a thumbs up.

16:02

The thumb is just a skeletal bone.

16:05

And from the other end of the bar,

16:08

under a large hood, a voice

16:11

emerges. That is a beautiful

16:14

story of Robin's tale of dark.

16:17

I myself have meant that

16:20

also a participant of many

16:22

a long lost romance. Like

16:24

my long lost Nina

16:27

and Lucy. I

16:29

suppose it is time to give this entire

16:32

bar a thrill they never thought

16:34

possible. It is

16:36

I, the hood flows off. Count

16:40

Dracula. What?

16:45

Yes. Tarantula is scary.

16:47

He overhears this and he begins ringing the bell

16:49

again and says, Oh my god, oh

16:51

my god, oh my anti God

16:54

were vampires. Oh man.

16:56

Oh, it's we've got to

16:58

count Dracula's here tonight. What are the odds?

17:01

To count the Dracula's? No,

17:03

no, no, I am the one and

17:06

only count Dracula. You can see

17:08

by my long fingers and long

17:10

fingernails. I came before

17:13

any vampire existed,

17:15

except for the dark beast who turned

17:17

me. Tim, can you make a culture role for me?

17:20

Yes. And Count Dracula's number

17:23

is four. I

17:25

got I got a four I got my culture. I got my blood

17:28

culture. You got your blood culture. Oh, wow, I should rename.

17:30

All right. Well, you got your blood culture. So

17:33

that's your number. So you got your number, which means that

17:35

not only do you succeed, the bar believes

17:38

that you both because they already believed that Chris

17:40

was count Dracula, they simply believe that

17:42

the two count actual as are here

17:44

in attendance, you both succeeded. And you

17:46

get to ask me a question anything at all. Don't blow

17:49

it. Which Dracula

17:51

does Mr. Scary on the bone?

17:53

That's an incredible question, Tim both

17:55

at the same time. Dang.

17:58

Well, I asked I got my answer. the answer

18:00

I wanted, but it was an answer that was grounded

18:02

in mid-truth. Thanks, Branson! Anytime, Tim!

18:04

Happy to play the game with you! Haha! The

18:08

bar cheers as I shout, Two Dracula's!

18:11

Two Dracula's! A particularly

18:13

blood-drunk vampire in the corner rubs his

18:15

eyes and he says, I'm seeing double!

18:18

Four Dracula's?

18:20

Yay!

18:23

And Big Frank says, now

18:25

I know why they say, Count Dracula!

18:27

Hahaha! Because

18:32

it's one, two? Yes. Count

18:35

Dracula approaches Count Dracula. This is like

18:37

he- What is the

18:39

meaning of this? Hahaha!

18:46

You say you are Dracula. When I

18:48

am the original Dracula. Why

18:50

would you lie and say you are Dracula?

18:53

Why would you lie and say you are Dracula?

18:56

Because I am Count Dracula. Because I am!

18:58

I am Count Dracula. I am Dracula

19:01

who slayed the Huns when they detranced

19:03

them here. Though I am the Dracula

19:05

who did all that and sailed to London

19:08

in my big old boat, where I, uh,

19:10

uh, uh, corruptly the young

19:13

Mina, the young Lucy.

19:15

Mina, Mina Harker, who I met

19:17

when I bought Carfax Abbey in

19:20

London, England.

19:22

Yes, yes, yes. That same London England

19:24

I learned from her husband Harker

19:26

at Maya's faith in Transylvania. He

19:29

told me about every street and all the social

19:31

mores of the London people. There's a vampire

19:33

at the bar who's just looking back and forth

19:35

from one to the other, one to the other.

19:38

This vampire just throws up his hands and says,

19:40

I can't tell which Dracula is which. I've

19:42

just got to be at people's effect

19:44

if there are two Dracula's here. Or

19:46

we could have a contest to see which

19:48

one is the true Dracula. Call

19:51

case would be beneath Count Dracula. And

19:54

yes, I shall participate

19:56

in anything that will make you all believe if I'm the real Count

19:58

Dracula. Be tasteful

20:01

as I hide you. You such a thing

20:03

must be done by your deeds. Well,

20:06

count Dracula bows to count Dracula.

20:08

Dracula Prime bows. You

20:11

can't... hold up. No, no, no, no, no,

20:13

no, no, no. Tim,

20:19

you should have thought of the name of your Dracula Prime.

20:21

It's as simple as that. Tim, you are

20:23

right now at war with your natural inclination

20:26

to low status. Yeah,

20:28

but I can't because this guy is Count Dracula. Well,

20:31

there's only one way to figure that out. We smash

20:34

cut to 10 minutes later. The

20:36

whole bar has been arranged. Everyone's

20:38

on either side of the bar. Chris's

20:41

Count Dracula is at one end of the bar, and

20:44

there's a vampire sort of rubbing his shoulders

20:46

being like, yeah, you got this, you got this. It's

20:48

a classic case, but this is yours. At

20:50

the other end of the bar, Tim, your Dracula

20:53

is there. And there is another

20:56

vampire sort of rubbing your shoulders.

20:57

You're like, yeah, you're going to hell with my

20:59

floor. Oh boy, oh boy, you're going to wipe

21:01

the floor with them. And in the

21:03

middle, Tarantula is scary. He

21:06

brings out a human, a

21:08

human in a cage. He opens

21:10

the cage and he says, ah, look, we

21:12

have here an original Renfield.

21:15

We're going to let this despicable

21:17

little man choose which

21:20

man does he naturally serve. That

21:23

will be the true Dracula. Wait,

21:26

big Frank, to me, avoid

21:28

this Renfield. He shall try to

21:30

eat you in order to gain a

21:32

connection to me.

21:33

Thank you, Count Dracula number

21:35

two. No, no, no,

21:37

do not do that. I

21:39

am merely Count Dracula. Maybe Dracula

21:42

would work.

21:43

Oh, I love that.

21:45

There will be no two in my name. I am

21:47

simply Count Dracula, exclusively

21:49

Count Dracula. So in the past 10 minutes, they've

21:51

been doing like games and contests so far.

21:53

And what we see is what the bartender

21:55

has written. He's written

21:57

Dracula one for Count

21:59

Dracula.

21:59

Chris's character and Dracula

22:02

A for Tim's character. And the glass,

22:04

yay, miele, mistra scale.

22:08

He takes the point away for you being Italian.

22:10

Well, you see, I traveled with many Italian

22:14

islands and coasts. I

22:16

had a whole little time in Venice. I

22:18

always had to cross and it to leave. He

22:21

gives you back a point for referencing the work of

22:23

filmmaker Jeff Franco. So

22:26

now you're tied. And this is the

22:28

final contest to see who the Renfield

22:31

will choose. Renfield,

22:33

Renfield, listen to me.

22:38

While Dracula A has been speaking

22:40

Italian, Dracula 1 has

22:42

been calling out to Renfield in his mind.

22:45

Listen to the voice of your master.

22:48

Come to me, Renfield. Dracula 1,

22:51

make a blood roll. This is a very vampire-y

22:54

thing you're doing here. It's a classic vampire

22:56

power. That's blood. And

22:59

I got my culture

23:01

blood number. Oh, you got your

23:04

culture blood number. Boy, I should have thought about this. You

23:06

got your culture blood number, which

23:09

means that not only is it going to work, but you get

23:11

to ask me a question. OK,

23:13

if I win the contest, can I keep Renfield?

23:17

Yeah, yeah, if you win, you

23:19

can keep Renfield. OK, Renfield

23:21

looks over to you and this is like this. This

23:24

man has no language. He just like, and

23:27

he just starts like walking over

23:29

towards you, just sort of like on all fours

23:31

slowly. They, Renfield.

23:35

Count Dracula A holds up his arm and

23:37

then unbuttoned his beautiful

23:41

shirt and opens it down, exposing

23:44

his wrist, exposing

23:46

his forearm. He then takes on his opposite

23:48

hand his long nail and then pokes

23:50

it open with a little blood coming out

23:53

and goes, Tap

23:55

on me and take the gift of vampirism

23:57

and gain

23:57

the power that I now promise

23:59

you.

23:59

Seriously, you'd offer

24:02

him the dark gift so soon just

24:04

to win a bet in a bar. It is the thing

24:06

that Renfield wants more than anything. So,

24:09

Tim, you do get to roll this with advantage. You

24:11

get to make a blood roll here. You've identified

24:13

his one true desire. So

24:16

I got a six and a three and I'm a four. So

24:19

with advantage, that means one of those works. Yeah,

24:21

yeah, yeah. It's one of those. Okay. So

24:24

because it's with advantage, you take the one that works. Great.

24:27

You're going to go with that three, that works,

24:29

and Renfield now, he's torn. He really

24:31

wants to go to Dracula One, but Dracula Two

24:33

is making him this perfect promise. It's almost too

24:35

good to be true promise. That's the thing he wants. He

24:38

smells the blood. He begins walking over

24:40

and over. He's getting a little closer now to Dracula

24:43

A. Dracula One

24:45

calls out

24:46

to the children of the night. All

24:50

of the vermin, the dogs,

24:52

the cats of the streets of New

24:54

York City, of the Bernal

24:57

Queen, bring me the

25:00

fattest alley cat. A

25:02

little kitten, perhaps, for Renfield, call

25:05

his own to feed on. A

25:07

starter blood, a reasonable starter

25:10

blood. You don't just go

25:12

straight from zero to the king

25:14

of vampires when you're drinking this stuff. Come

25:17

on. That's a reasonable case to the

25:19

beasts of New York City. Can you make a blood

25:21

roll for me? Yes. Oh,

25:26

that is a success. You hear rumbling

25:28

as the door begins to shake

25:31

and it shakes

25:32

and shakes and shakes and the bouncer in front

25:34

of you goes, what's going on?

25:36

And the door flies open and rats

25:39

pour in and atop

25:41

them they have a little rat

25:44

in a bassinet. It's got a little

25:46

diaper on, a little rat, and it's just sucking on a pacifier

25:48

and it looks up at Renfield

25:50

and it offers its own risk to Renfield.

25:54

Renfield is torn now. He wants both

25:57

blood. He wants the blood of

25:59

Dracula A.

25:59

He wants this rat. He knows that Dracula one

26:02

is probably being a little more honest with him This

26:04

is not as good a deal, but it is more honest

26:06

a deal. He doesn't know what to do He looks

26:08

at both. He looks at one looks at the other looks

26:10

at one looks at the other and he splits

26:12

in half. Oh He

26:14

screeches He

26:16

just splits down the middle

26:19

He falls over completely dead the

26:21

bar goes wild and they just rushed to him and they

26:23

begin drinking his blood Count

26:25

Dracula approaches Count Dracula That

26:28

was brilliant to do the thing where you give him

26:30

the little blood before I give him mine That

26:32

was that was very wise. I didn't even think to do

26:34

that I just thought I'd offer it because that is what he

26:36

wanted, but I was very conscientious You

26:39

may not be the real Count Dracula because I huh

26:42

well you certainly are agent of the

26:44

night.

26:45

I bow to you

26:47

Count Dracula

26:48

Thank you count

26:51

Dracula

26:52

They

26:56

are now back to back Turning

27:00

turning slowly It

27:03

just takes in the entire bar. This is a

27:05

beautiful sight We

27:11

have agreed to disagree We

27:14

are both count Dracula Caleb

27:17

leans down to big Frank and

27:20

sort of whispers in her little ear

27:23

These two are really all about themselves, huh?

27:26

They really care for

27:28

Number one and a yeah. Yeah

27:32

like

27:32

themselves

27:34

Yeah, so not the way for all that by

27:37

You little mosquito care about

27:39

the blood and you Caleb

27:41

dark you care about the love that

27:43

is very vampiric of you We

27:46

are very passionate. I know but I don't

27:48

know if I could ever love again unless

27:51

I Unless

27:53

what unless Bob

27:55

go on Caleb and less what

27:57

Caleb well you must have I don't

27:59

know unless less one The right

28:01

vampire came along. Oh,

28:04

okay. Oh, Caleb. Oh, Caleb.

28:07

Caleb, that's normal mortal

28:09

stuff. I thought you were going to say, unless

28:11

you lived until her soul was

28:14

breathed into a new life again, just

28:16

like a meme. Memes.

28:19

She was born again many, many times.

28:22

And always taken for about class. I guess I

28:24

would date someone who was a human

28:26

and then got turned into a vampire. Of course, wouldn't

28:28

we all? Good. That will help.

28:31

Lately, I've just been sort of dating vampires.

28:33

You know,

28:35

Caleb.

28:36

To date around left and right. The

28:38

vampire can feel that. To know that you

28:41

have not chosen them,

28:43

so why should they choose you?

28:45

If you keep on dating willy-nilly,

28:47

ve- vee-ly-nilly. If

28:50

you keep dating vee-ly-nilly. Without

28:54

really giving a part of yourself, the vampire can feel that. Dracula,

28:56

are you trying to tell me that vampires are

28:58

like not into casual

29:01

relationships? Meanwhile, like all the only

29:04

other thing happening in this bar is just like hardcore

29:06

vampire fucking. Like just like anonymous

29:09

vampires looking each other in the eyes and saying, who

29:11

are you? And then another vampire

29:13

answering that by saying like, I'm

29:16

a flesh-a-cuck gut. And he's like, okay,

29:18

nice to meet you. My name is Adolf Poison.

29:21

They're shaking hands and just fucking.

29:26

Yeah, yeah. Just like in and out. And

29:28

then you just like gently shake hands with each

29:30

other. I mean, I've only ever dated

29:32

two vampires. I don't think it's like a

29:34

crazy body count. Body count.

29:37

And you realize

29:43

now that you guys are standing near the still

29:45

open door to the front of the bar as

29:47

you hear another voice say, Oh,

29:53

you turn around and you see standing in the doorway. There's

29:56

a crack of lightning and you see the unmistakable

29:58

silhouette of the creature.

29:59

from the black lagoon. Whoa!

30:05

What's going on tonight? Hey guys! Hello

30:07

creature! Oh you can call

30:09

me Gil! Hey Gil! Hey Gil!

30:12

Hello Gil! Can I come in? Of

30:14

course!

30:16

Okay, hell yeah! He walked into the bar. Mmm,

30:19

yeah, I could get used to this. Wow, a community

30:22

of monsters? That's so cool! I feel

30:24

like I've known you guys for years. Actually, maybe

30:26

we shouldn't have let it in. No,

30:29

I'm fine

30:30

now, I'm in, it's cool. Look,

30:32

I can do the vampire rules just like anyone

30:34

else, right? You know, you gotta

30:36

be invited to get in, I get it, I'm cool.

30:39

I get exactly what you guys have been going through. It's

30:41

basically the same shit for me. Yeah,

30:44

I'm not a vampire either, Gil. Okay, yeah, well, you

30:46

might have to pay your dues.

30:50

So might you. Yeah, well, fair

30:52

enough, okay.

30:54

Look, Gil, we

30:56

appreciate your enthusiasm. We are

30:58

amazing beings, Ivepa. What

31:01

made you come to the door

31:03

to see us? Oh,

31:06

you're

31:06

right, you're right. The plot! Of course,

31:08

I forgot, I almost forgot! The plot! I

31:11

was so, I was enjoying being annoyed so

31:13

much, I forgot about the story. The

31:14

plot, Gil, the plot!

31:16

Okay, hold on, where is it? I

31:18

gotta hear somewhere. Fuck, fuck,

31:19

okay.

31:21

Okay, I was in the

31:23

first Universal Monster movie in 3D.

31:25

They tried re-releasing me in color,

31:28

but it doesn't really work. Um, okay,

31:30

oh, a sheep of water, I gotta see that.

31:33

Okay, here we go, the Halloween

31:35

community! The

31:36

Halloween community is in jeopardy! What

31:39

is going on? Yeah,

31:40

the Mummy's curse! Oh,

31:42

no! Yeah,

31:44

the Mummy! I don't know why I left, I think I got

31:46

really nervous. Mummies make me

31:48

really scared. Well,

31:50

you know the Mummies, they're

31:51

usually content to just hang out in

31:53

the museum. But not this time.

31:56

No, no, they're trying to turn the entire city

31:58

of New York City into-

31:59

sand.

32:00

But I thought we already solved

32:03

that by returning the scarab of darkness to its

32:05

rightful place. You did! You did!

32:07

Well, I know you did, Caleb. You've

32:09

had so many vampire adventures.

32:12

That's why any vampire

32:14

we meet tonight won't question, why is there

32:16

a werewolf hanging out with vampires?

32:18

You guys are sworn enemies. That,

32:21

no, no, you did that for sure. You

32:23

did that big time. But, uh, unfortunately,

32:26

it

32:26

got out. No. It

32:29

escaped. You didn't

32:30

kill the scarab. You're supposed to kill it. It's

32:32

still alive and it flew away. And now

32:34

the mummies are using the scarab beetle

32:36

and they're trying to turn all of New York City into sand.

32:39

But if all of New York City is sand, there

32:42

shall be no people whose

32:44

blood we can drain. This is

32:46

a problem. I'm

32:47

sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off, Count Dracula.

32:49

If it's okay, I do not get cut off...

32:52

wine. Like

32:55

a bottle that cannot cut me

32:57

off of wine. That's okay. You know what

33:00

I mean? Is it? Yeah. You already

33:02

said the name. Good name, Dracula. Thank

33:04

you. I am Count Dracula, king of vampires.

33:06

But what were you saying, big Frank?

33:09

I was just gonna say, and I need water

33:11

because I live in, uh, swamps

33:14

or like, where there's water around

33:16

trash.

33:17

So it's bad for me too. The sand

33:19

would be bad for mosquito. Yeah,

33:22

there's stakes for me. Oh, do you two know

33:24

each other? Who? You and Gil?

33:26

Me and Gil?

33:27

Yeah, you're both like swamp folk.

33:29

I've seen Gil around.

33:30

Cool.

33:33

Gil is my best

33:34

talent, Gil.

33:36

What? Why? I just say I don't recognize you,

33:38

but we definitely... I'm sure we hang out at a lot of the same

33:41

swamp bars and things like that. I'm a

33:43

creature from the Black Lagoon.

33:46

Okay, well, I

33:48

would... if you guys want to come with me, I was gonna try to

33:50

figure out how to stop them. Yes, where

33:53

are the mummies gathered? We will

33:55

make them more fear. We will

33:57

make them more pain.

33:59

will

34:01

unravel their plans.

34:03

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

34:05

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

34:07

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You

34:10

can laugh however you want. This

34:12

is a...

34:12

I've done this since I was a kid.

34:14

That is how I laugh.

34:16

Oh, cool.

34:19

Jesus. That just happened.

34:23

And Dracula slinks backward as though

34:25

there's like a skateboard under his cape that you can't

34:27

see. He just goes backward

34:30

into the crowd, accidentally

34:32

popping his finger up a guy's butthole.

34:35

Oh, pardon me. My

34:39

name is Jafar too. Pardon

34:42

me Jafar too. I didn't mean to enter the

34:44

orgy or your spigot.

34:48

It's fine. Also, my name

34:50

is Withered Forever's. Oh, I got two

34:52

of you. Dracula looks down at his long

34:55

finger that he sees he's basically got

34:58

like an entire puppet's collection

35:00

of vampires on him right now. And he's trying

35:02

to get loose. My name is Regal Ambition.

35:04

I'm vengeance to call Gil Gil.

35:08

We shall join you in a junior quest.

35:11

But first, Count Dracula has

35:13

popped the sexual jelly of our

35:15

party. So we must all take a brief

35:18

moment

35:18

to enjoy the sensual pleasures of the masquerade.

35:22

All right. Shall you

35:24

join us, Gil? Me?

35:27

I never get invited to orgies. That sounds like

35:29

a fun next few minutes for us to roleplay.

35:33

A wild orgy. I was

35:36

hoping we would prep,

35:37

take a cut there. But if we

35:39

want to play, Count Dracula

35:42

is the first time. No, we'll see this thing through.

35:45

You made a promise to the audience and we're going to deliver

35:47

on it. Now watch this. And

35:49

his dick just like

35:51

the fucking like the what's the dinosaur

35:54

in Jurassic Park that spits all over Numa. It's

35:56

like it's got like the Dilophosaurus. The

35:58

Dilophosaurus. It's got like frills to it. He goes, AHHH!

36:01

He just like runs into the crowd. Up

36:03

count, Dracula turns into fog and

36:06

lets that fog envelop the entire orgy,

36:08

being penetrated and penetrating

36:10

all. Big Frank is

36:12

flying in and out a hole.

36:14

Just in and out and in and

36:17

out.

36:17

Getting nothing

36:19

out of it. With

36:22

like mouths and ears and nostrils

36:24

and funholes and everything. Fucking a gerythra,

36:27

just a vampire goes, AHH!

36:29

In one, another, yeah. I

36:32

know this is

36:32

being funny and fun for all of us, but what

36:35

does Caleb do? Caleb...

36:43

But for one moment, those primal

36:45

forces stir within him and his

36:48

hands become a little claw-like. But

36:50

then he collects himself, reverts back

36:52

to human form, and finishes.

36:55

The vampire you were fucking turned around is just like, Hey,

37:00

by the way, I really wanted to thank you for not turning into

37:02

a werewolf and destroying me while we were mid-coitus.

37:06

No problem. And Caleb looks out a

37:08

window at a full moon. Oh no!

37:11

Wait, so is Caleb resisting a full moon right now? Yeah,

37:14

I think Caleb's gonna need to make a wolf.

37:18

Joe, this is the most interesting character that's ever been

37:21

put to Mike. Branson,

37:23

I got a three, which is his number. Whoa!

37:27

He comes again! Yeah,

37:30

Joe, you tell me exactly what happened

37:32

to Caleb, because he doesn't turn into a werewolf if he doesn't

37:35

want to. And you get to ask me a question.

37:38

Caleb feels the urge

37:40

to let loose, the urge

37:42

to let those primal forces free,

37:45

to engage that beast within,

37:48

and then he clutches a pure

37:50

silver locket hanging around

37:53

his neck, and the feeling passes.

37:57

So if he has scars, is it like spurring?

38:00

Any of that silver or is it not?

38:02

No, his chest is profoundly hairless. Are

38:05

you? Wow. And

38:08

well-defined.

38:10

A hairless werewolf is

38:12

just like

38:13

such a fascinating choice. Right

38:15

now, right now, when he's werewolf, when he's, you

38:17

know, he will get hairy. But like right

38:19

now, like. And like when he touches the silver,

38:22

that doesn't burn his hands? No. Wow,

38:24

this is like a white werewolf. What's wrong with this

38:27

guy? Do you have a question for me? What Caleb wants

38:29

to know is,

38:30

will he ever find the true love of

38:32

a vampire again? Yes.

38:35

You will. By the end of this

38:37

episode, or my name isn't

38:39

Branson Philip Lee, which it isn't,

38:41

so I have an out. Mark.

38:44

Mark. Caleb

38:46

extracts himself from the orgy and

38:48

then leans against the bar, just a peaceful

38:51

amount of sweat appearing on his

38:53

brow. And he looks over to

38:55

Big Frank and he says, Big Frank, I

38:57

don't know. The werewolf community

39:00

has long been allied with the mummy community.

39:03

Do I join you in this quest and forever

39:06

separate myself from my people?

39:08

Or do I not do it and stay home? Oh,

39:11

are you talking to me? Yeah.

39:12

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm covered in so

39:14

many fluids.

39:16

Oh, sorry. I thought you were done. I thought you were

39:18

done. No, I'm

39:20

just haven't cleaned up yet. She's just slopping

39:23

stuff out of her ears. Yeah. You

39:25

said something about the mummies.

39:26

Yeah, just the werewolves

39:29

have long been, are longstanding allies

39:31

of the mummies.

39:31

Oh my god. I

39:33

forgot all about that, even though I knew it just

39:36

before.

39:36

So if I join forces with the

39:39

vampir on this mission, well, the

39:41

werewolves won't take it kindly.

39:43

If you're already planning to make vampires

39:45

a family, there's no better

39:47

time than the present. Well, I loved

39:50

one. Yeah.

39:52

Count Dracula approaches

39:54

the bar, absolutely just

39:57

coated in sweat. He is in his

39:59

gigantic. erotic monster

40:01

bat form. So he is

40:03

like, he's coated in like short

40:06

brown hair. He has like

40:08

an upturned like little bat

40:10

piggy nose and like blood

40:13

gushing out of his mouth and he's so

40:17

sweaty and he like plunks down an elbow at

40:19

the bar and like grabs the nearest chalice

40:21

of wine and pounds it back, you

40:24

know, like it was a Gatorade. Oh,

40:27

another, a much smaller bat

40:32

guy looks over at you and says, boy, you

40:34

said it. I

40:37

am keeping it on the down low, but I am a third

40:39

Dracula. What is in

40:41

the air for that? You

40:44

say Dracula right here. I tell you

40:46

what? Perhaps it is because I don't

40:51

know your new colony

40:54

rule about holidays

40:57

and what happened. Wow, you are

40:59

going high. Look, I will be, I am con artist. I

41:01

am real good, but you are really playing games.

41:04

Oh, oh, all right. Mystery soft. Still

41:06

just me and the other. Oh, okay.

41:09

Well, hey, good luck to you. Happy

41:11

hunting. A fiance. And so

41:13

you all leave the bar with the field.

41:16

Yes. And Dracula, he, he shape

41:18

shift back into an elegant

41:20

man of the night in the velvet lined

41:23

Cape and top hat and

41:25

fun little glasses. As you all leave

41:27

the bar, you notice that it seems like someone has put

41:29

the fog machine up towards the window because fog

41:32

is just pouring out of the window.

41:34

Wait a minute.

41:35

That's not a fog machine. That

41:37

is Count Dracula who reformed

41:39

himself with a group with a cane

41:42

and a little more and the top hat.

41:45

Oh good. For a second. I was worried that was

41:47

sand coming through the window and that

41:49

would have been a mummy. Let's go get them. Oh

41:51

yeah. Let's go. All right. We're all outside of the bar.

41:54

Let's, we gotta get, oh, we gotta get to the natural

41:56

history museum.

41:56

That's where all the mummies are gathered. That's

41:59

where they're going to perform. form their dark ritual

42:01

to turn

42:01

the entirety of the five burrows

42:04

into sand.

42:05

A natural history museum, but that means we will

42:07

have to cross the East River. How

42:09

shall we Dracula's, Vampyr's

42:12

and normal Valvulf cross

42:15

the river? Running water, no.

42:18

Gil, oh

42:19

yeah I forgot I can cross water easily but I

42:21

need you guys, I need vampire allies.

42:24

The werewolves have been trying to stop me at every turn

42:26

from stopping this.

42:27

Damn werewolves.

42:29

How shall they learn? Look, nothing

42:31

personal but can you guys cross bridges or something?

42:34

We may cross bridges but

42:36

us Dracula and Vampyr

42:39

must be in coffin as we are driven

42:41

across, or carriage to cross,

42:44

or cavee to cross. What

42:46

about an Uber? Oh yeah. We

42:48

can do that too? Oh great. Does anyone

42:50

have the app? Yeah. Oh

42:52

great. We can do check lift too to see if that will change anything.

42:55

Well you get one person to lift, one person

42:57

to Uber and we'll see what's cheaper and faster. My

42:59

phone

43:00

is the size of a grain of rice. Well

43:02

if you have it though.

43:04

Yes, it's actually really fast. It's

43:07

faster than anyone else's

43:08

phone. Because it's so small. I

43:11

don't have a phone because I'm underwater

43:13

all the time. Oh my gosh. You

43:15

know they make waterproof phones now. They

43:17

do?

43:18

Okay lift is for the, lift

43:20

is for the, it is for the, that

43:22

seems okay this time of night across the

43:24

river. Yeah I mean split five ways that's pretty good. That's

43:26

not bad. Just wait four ways I

43:29

don't have a wallet.

43:30

Gil? Gil? What?

43:33

My wallet is so small.

43:35

Big

43:38

Frank can you, alright alright call

43:40

just call it call it I'll figure it out later. Okay

43:43

Count Dracula, oh.

43:47

Confirms the lift. Lightning

43:49

strikes. You

43:54

watch as the car gets closer

43:57

and closer and closer takes a wrong

43:59

turn. No! It's getting further and

44:01

further away! And then it turns

44:03

back- Oh, it's corrected! It is coming back! It

44:05

is not- He's not pulling that move. He's coming back

44:07

this time. Okay, should I cancel and do a

44:09

new one? Oh no, it's- He's right there! He's moving-

44:11

You see the car. You see the little pink

44:14

symbol in the windshield. It

44:16

pulls up. Your lift is here.

44:18

Does it have a mustache on the front?

44:20

It does. Nice! Um,

44:23

okay, is this- Is this Tony?

44:26

This is Tony? The man with the big mustache

44:29

behind the car, he nods at you and says, Yes,

44:31

this is Tony.

44:33

Great. This is Count Dracula. Yes, this is the right-

44:35

Count Dracula, yes. He's going to the Natural History

44:38

Museum. Very good. Right

44:40

this way. And he opens the doors. So,

44:43

Count Dracula has to be in a coffin if

44:45

he's going to cross water. So, um, and so

44:47

this guy, he's been around so long, he's figured

44:49

out a bit of a trick for this. He

44:52

presses a button on his belt

44:54

and suddenly- Like

44:58

a sort of classic Iron Man costume, he

45:01

is now surrounded by a sort

45:03

of exoskeleton of a wooden

45:06

coffin, with which he walks and

45:08

sits in the lift and then

45:10

sort of nudges himself over to the far side. Tony

45:13

smirks and smiles to himself, only

45:16

in New York

45:17

and only on Halloween.

45:19

And could you just pop the trunk

45:22

for me? That's coffin-like enough.

45:24

That'll be fine. He pops the trunk, yes.

45:27

Dracula

45:28

floats horizontally over

45:31

the trunk, crosses his arms

45:34

over his chest, so that his fingers are touching

45:36

his shoulders. And he closes his eyes

45:38

and lowers down into the trunk.

45:42

And the lid shuts without the driver

45:44

in putting anything. Only

45:46

in New York and only on Halloween.

45:50

Guy thinks he's freaking Iron Man. He's the real Dracula.

45:54

Big Frank enters the car

45:57

unnoticed. She sort of hovers

45:59

up back- behind Tony and

46:02

she sniff at his neck

46:04

and she takes a taste.

46:05

You take a taste? Make

46:08

a blood roll. Oh my god. Yeah.

46:11

Oh my god.

46:12

I got, uh, I got

46:14

a tool and my number is okay.

46:16

That's a success. That's

46:19

a success. You successfully drink this man's blood.

46:21

Okay, she latches. You

46:23

latch. You're getting his blood. You're becoming

46:26

stronger and stronger. And what's

46:28

this? She's getting bigger.

46:30

Oh my god.

46:31

Gulp. Bigger. Gulp.

46:34

Bigger? She couldn't get

46:36

bigger though.

46:37

At this moment, she is now about

46:39

the size of, let's say, a thumb

46:42

and realizes she'll be noticed soon and also

46:44

that she can't drink the blood of this Uber driver

46:47

they have to get to the Natural

46:49

History Museum. So valiantly

46:51

she's done. Frank,

46:52

you're huge because you succeeded

46:54

on your blood roll and you're the size of a thumb now? The

46:56

size of a thumb now. You succeed on your blood roll.

46:59

You are able to resist the temptation to

47:01

keep drinking and turning this man. Oh

47:05

my goodness. You fall

47:08

back and you land in his open Altoids container,

47:10

which is shaped like a coffin. Perfect. And

47:13

it closes. Yeah, and he looks down at

47:15

the Altoids and he says, only in New

47:17

York and only on Halloween.

47:21

Come on, Caleb. Are you getting

47:23

in? Caleb gets in the cab. Caleb

47:26

gets in the cab. He laughs. Only

47:28

in New York and only Gilman. The

47:30

Gilman gets in the passenger

47:33

and like the he gets the shotgun.

47:35

Can I sit up here?

47:37

Only

47:39

in New York and only on Halloween. And

47:41

he he peels off. Yeah. Yeah.

47:45

Now we're going there. You guys

47:47

are getting there. The car is moving

47:49

and he he turns it to a radio

47:52

station that

47:54

you all recognize.

47:55

This is odd. He turns the dial.

47:57

He goes left, left, left.

47:59

Left, further and further left, until

48:02

you hear a voice say,

48:03

Hello, Halloween community. You're

48:05

listening to 66.6 The Black Cat. I'm

48:09

the Phantom of the Opera, coming at you

48:11

at the top of the hour with a request from Higatha

48:14

the Witch, who wants to dedicate this next

48:16

song to the only man who's always

48:18

been there for her through thick and thin.

48:21

That's right, her broom. Higatha,

48:23

I hope you enjoy

48:25

this next three minutes and 12 seconds.

48:28

Here it is, folks. Bobby Boris Pickett

48:30

and the Crypt Kickers, 1962 smash hit, The

48:34

Monster Mash. Awesome.

48:37

Tony begins snapping along. He

48:39

says, I just love this Halloween

48:41

music. But

48:44

only this time of year, Tony? No,

48:46

I love it. And he looks at you and there's

48:48

a wolfish look in his eyes and he says,

48:51

all year long. Keep your eyes on

48:53

the road. No. And at that he's

48:55

going to... He grabs the wheel

48:57

and he slams it hard to the right. You

49:00

guys are passing right now over

49:02

the 59th Street Bridge. And

49:04

he slams it to the right and the car... He's

49:07

driving now to the edge and it hits the

49:09

rail and the car goes flying off the

49:12

edge as the moonlight hits him and he

49:14

transforms into a werewolf. He

49:17

goes into Christ's Pose and he says, that's right, I've

49:19

been trailing Gil. I knew what he was going to

49:21

do. And I decided I would give my life to

49:23

kill you vampires and stop you from

49:25

stopping the mummy's curse. Dad? Caleb?

49:29

Oh my God, no, no, no, no, my son, my son.

49:31

He tries to grab the wheel and steer back but the car

49:33

is already airborne. Oh,

49:36

dad, no. Oh,

49:38

whoa. He changes the radio station

49:40

again to the cats in the cradle. He goes, no, my

49:42

son.

49:43

Dad, it's not worth it.

49:45

The vampires.

49:47

They're not so bad. Once you get

49:49

to know them... If only

49:51

your dead mother could hear you say that. How

49:54

dare you? You know what happened to her.

49:56

Vampires, a bunch of tiny ones ate

49:59

her. Yeah.

49:59

I remember, but...

50:01

She put one foot into Transylvania,

50:03

and it was like sticking a cow into the Amazon

50:05

and then pulling out a cow skeleton. Just a bunch

50:07

of piranha-like vampires ate her. How

50:10

dare you! We're falling, by the way!

50:13

Aaaah!

50:13

Feeling the, um, the jolt

50:16

of, uh, gravity changing, Big

50:18

Frank knocks her elbow to the top

50:20

of the Altoid tin and

50:22

cracks it open.

50:23

She flies out.

50:24

She's a little slow because she's full of blood

50:27

and bigger, but she's flying.

50:30

What are you doing? You're in a car that's t- that's- It's

50:32

tumbling down into the East River. What's gonna- What are

50:34

you gonna have? You only have several seconds to make a decision,

50:36

and you've gotta cross the water in a coffin. What

50:38

are you gonna do? Frank, wait a minute. You just

50:41

drank...

50:41

...werewolf blood. Huh? Oh!

50:44

Huh? Huh? Huh? Frank,

50:46

make a blood roll. Oh,

50:48

jeez. I

50:51

got a one!

50:52

Ugh! That's a success. So,

50:54

the Popeye the Sailor Man music plays as

50:56

you feel wolf blood pulsing

50:59

through all of your veins, uh, and

51:01

you feel the hair, the little, the, like, coarse mosquito

51:03

hair that you have. You feel like it's thicker, and

51:06

you feel your antenna reshape into, uh,

51:08

the curly devilish wolf ears, and

51:10

you howl at the moon. Ow!

51:13

Ow! Ow! Ooh!

51:17

Ow! She's doing it. Ow!

51:20

Ow! The car is still falling down

51:23

and down and down. Gil is looking around and

51:25

going, I hope you get a one-star review.

51:27

This is terrible. Heh. Heh. Heh.

51:30

What are the other vampires doing? Count Dracula

51:32

in his coffin exoskeleton

51:35

rolls out of the... rolls

51:37

out of the car, and then, hey, he's

51:39

had this for a while, suddenly, um,

51:42

an engine seems to, uh,

51:44

churn within his, his boots as...

51:48

Mmm! His coffin

51:52

is just like the old Iron Man suit where

51:54

he is able to propel himself, grabbing

51:57

the top of the car, and zooming

51:59

over.

51:59

the river like a plane? It's

52:03

an Iron Man! Tim, can you make a culture

52:05

roll for me? Yes. Yeah,

52:09

this is a really cultured move of you. I got a 2. You

52:13

got a 2? I'm a 4. You

52:16

hear the sputtering of your coffin and

52:18

you realize what you had actually designed

52:20

was a cool looking coffin. You are not

52:23

like a machinist of any

52:25

caliber or like an engineer. You do

52:27

not have any sort of mechanical know-how and it

52:29

sputters and you fall down into the water.

52:32

No! Six

52:34

weeks

52:35

now of searching for my

52:37

wife, lost in this corn maze. The

52:39

All Hallows charm long gone. The nip

52:41

of autumn sours and winter's breath licks

52:44

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54:31

trapped in a corn maze. Darling,

54:33

where are you?

54:38

No! The car has

54:41

hit the water. Dracula I, what are you gonna do?

54:43

Dracula I pounds the

54:45

inside of the trunk and, what's going

54:48

on up there? Caleb is going

54:50

to smash the passenger window,

54:53

and even though he's gonna fight against

54:55

the water pouring into the window,

54:58

using some incredible strength, he

55:00

forces his way through the window and

55:02

into the river. As he does, he

55:05

takes that silver locket from

55:07

around his neck and puts it in his pocket, severing

55:10

the skin-to-skin contact he had with

55:13

the trinket. As he does, that

55:15

full moon shines, and Caleb

55:17

transforms. He's

55:20

a little different, though, than his father, who we

55:22

saw earlier transformed into a truly monstrous

55:25

and bestial werewolf. There's

55:27

a lot more humanity to Caleb's werewolf.

55:30

He sort of looks more like a wolf-man

55:33

hybrid. He also grows

55:36

in size. You can see pronounced

55:38

abs through his tank top. He's

55:40

got a very expressive human face

55:43

and a really big tail. Would you

55:45

say, Joe, that he looks almost

55:47

as if he was designed, like the authorial

55:50

voice of him as an unbelievably horny

55:52

Mormon person invented him? Brett,

55:55

I couldn't have said it better myself. Thank you

55:57

very much, Joe. That made me feel very- So

56:00

now with Caleb's impressive,

56:03

impressive arms, he grabs

56:05

onto the hood of the lift

56:07

and he starts doggy paddling towards

56:10

Manhattan. You are moving the car.

56:12

Can you make a wolf roll for me?

56:15

Yeah. I got a three again. I got

56:17

my number. Shit! So

56:19

not only does this work, but you get

56:21

to ask me a question. Um, will

56:24

Dad ever forgive me?

56:25

There's nothing to forgive.

56:27

He's mad at you, but a father's

56:29

love is infinite.

56:31

So count Dracula. You were in your coffin

56:33

and the coffin hit the water. Yeah, so he is floating

56:36

in his incredible exoskeleton

56:38

coffin in the water, so he is not

56:41

on the car that you have. But luckily

56:43

you do feel yourself moving forward

56:46

and from outside you hear a voice say, I'm

56:48

helping the plot! Gil! I

56:51

can swim! It's my main thing! Gil,

56:55

I will grant you this evening to be an honorary

56:58

vampir because of your aid

57:00

to me, the king of vampir, Count

57:02

Dracula. I can't hear what you're saying

57:04

in there. There's a lot of splashing! Right.

57:07

Then I shall be quiet, unless you would

57:09

choir some music for your swim, in

57:11

which case I will be happy to see. You

57:14

and me, we used to be together,

57:17

every day together, always.

57:21

I really feel... You hit the east

57:23

side of Manhattan with a thud. Oh!

57:27

You're all able to get out of the water.

57:29

Caleb, you see, with

57:32

your incredibly good sharpened wolf-like

57:34

senses, you see your father had swum

57:36

to the other side of the East River.

57:39

You see him shaking off. Yeah, Caleb does too. He shakes off really fast. They

57:43

both shake off. That was big Frank. He

57:45

nods to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Count Dracula stands up

57:47

and then his exoskeleton coffins

57:50

sort of like the flash's costume

57:52

into the ring sort of is sucked back into

57:54

his belt buckle. Still holding on to this

57:57

moment, Caleb looks across to his father

57:59

and nods. His father nods, too. He

58:02

will not help you, but he will not stop you. Henceforth.

58:05

The trunk of the lift

58:08

opens with the creak

58:11

of a hundred-year-old castle

58:13

door. And from within

58:16

emerges drackeloch,

58:18

like at a perfect tilt from

58:21

his ankles, you know, completely

58:23

stiff as he stands up straight. Ah,

58:26

we've made it to Muhamstirdam. Yes.

58:32

That is classic dracula. Let

58:34

me give you a hand.

58:36

Thank you, dracula. Thank

58:38

you, dracula. My

58:41

pleasure, dracula.

58:42

It is a problem, dracula.

58:45

Well, well, well, what

58:47

do we have here? And you see

58:49

now that waiting for you, you're surrounded by

58:52

a group of five werewolf tuffs.

58:54

They all have leather jackets. One

58:56

of them has like, he's combing his hair

58:59

back with a switchblade comb. One

59:01

of them's flipping a coin. They

59:04

all howl at the moon menacingly. These

59:06

are not hot wolves. These are like mangy guys

59:08

dressed like greasers.

59:10

Big Frank says, in for a penny.

59:13

And she sprints

59:14

towards the closest one and runs up his

59:16

pant leg and bites on his calf.

59:18

Yeah. Oh, boy, my

59:20

calf, my valuable

59:23

calf. And

59:27

he screams. Can you make a blood roll for me?

59:29

I'd love to. Yes.

59:32

Okay. Oh, I got my number. I got

59:34

my number. You can do. How

59:37

did you want this to go?

59:39

So at this point, she needs to just

59:41

now get bigger. I feel like she's ready

59:43

to be like, okay, a fight's coming. And

59:45

I'm not

59:46

going to be helpful as tiny, big

59:48

Frank. So I need to turn into big, big

59:50

Frank.

59:51

So she wants to drain him entirely.

59:54

You do. And you get to ask me a question.

59:57

Yeah. What's the mummy's figure?

59:59

biggest weakness in this world. Oh,

1:00:02

that's a great question.

1:00:04

Um, water.

1:00:06

Oh yeah, desert. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah,

1:00:08

they want it to be desert conditions, water will absolutely

1:00:10

take them out.

1:00:11

So Big Frank slurps all

1:00:14

the blood

1:00:14

out of one of the werewolf, explodes, obviously

1:00:17

exploding out of his pants, as

1:00:19

she gets bigger and bigger, and now

1:00:21

she's the size of almost a

1:00:23

full-size person.

1:00:24

She's like, well, she's like, okay. She's

1:00:27

like a pipsqueak. She's like a pipsqueak. She's

1:00:29

like a coochie size.

1:00:30

Yes, exactly. So she attacks,

1:00:32

she just tackles the next

1:00:33

one. So all of his accoutrement,

1:00:35

all of his leather jackets and

1:00:38

hair gel and stuff, it explodes off of him and it lands

1:00:40

on you. Yeah. And he's just like a

1:00:42

husk on the ground going, ah,

1:00:44

give me a break.

1:00:45

And he just, he dies. Yeah.

1:00:48

Yeah, you attack the next werewolf. He

1:00:50

had a bat with nails in it. He's going to take

1:00:52

a swing at you because you're not as tall as he was expecting

1:00:54

you to be. It goes right over your head. And you lunge at him. What

1:00:57

do you do? I drink his blood.

1:01:00

You're getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Make

1:01:02

another blood roll for me.

1:01:04

Hell yeah. Okay. Um,

1:01:06

two. I got a, that's great. It's

1:01:09

a success.

1:01:10

You hollow him out again. You're tall

1:01:12

now. You're like a tall guy now. Yeah. If

1:01:15

he goes, ah, gee whiz, and he dies also. Yay. And

1:01:18

now there are only three werewolves left. They

1:01:20

look back and forth at each other and they look at you,

1:01:23

Caleb, and they say, why,

1:01:25

if it isn't Judas Iscariot, Oh,

1:01:28

um, do you mean the, why not listen

1:01:30

to the one. Sorry. You're

1:01:33

a million miles away. This is why you

1:01:35

never could cut it as a werewolf. You're thinking about others.

1:01:38

You're thinking about your lost love. Well,

1:01:41

yeah, but I just get confused when

1:01:43

people call me by a different

1:01:45

name. After all, earlier tonight, I met a bartender

1:01:48

with that same last name. Oh yeah. That

1:01:51

is narratively confusing.

1:01:53

And you look at a minor amount

1:01:55

of prep for these episodes could solve problems like

1:01:57

that. But, but no.

1:01:59

But here's- I wasn't even

1:02:02

busy. Just no. Just didn't

1:02:04

wanna. But brothers, don't you understand? Just

1:02:06

because you're allied with the Mummies, doesn't

1:02:08

mean this is good for werewolves. If the Mummies

1:02:11

get their way, well, there'll be nothing

1:02:13

left for you. Werewolves

1:02:15

thrive in forest, not desert. Yeah,

1:02:18

we're not gonna live here. We're gonna go live

1:02:20

in Jersey. They're gonna make the whole world a desert.

1:02:23

Oh please, I'm sure once they get a taste

1:02:25

of power, they'll stop. Boys,

1:02:28

listen to yourselves. Make a culture

1:02:30

roll. I failed,

1:02:32

I got a two. They say, no, we

1:02:34

don't wanna listen to ourselves, and we don't

1:02:36

wanna listen to you. Instead, and while the

1:02:39

Mummies pull a gun out and aim it at your head,

1:02:41

we wanna kill all of you. He

1:02:44

fires. Can you make a wolf roll for

1:02:46

me? Okay, so

1:02:48

my number is three. I rolled a one.

1:02:51

That's bad news, Caleb. He

1:02:54

shoots your ear clean off. Oh!

1:02:57

Caleb, he aims the next one at your

1:02:59

ear. He fires again at your other ear.

1:03:02

He fires again. I'm doing the thing from

1:03:04

the Princess Bride. Oh no, wait! You're

1:03:06

supposed to leave the ears! Oh

1:03:08

shoot! Oh, divide it! The first thing

1:03:11

I did! Ah jeez! They're

1:03:13

distracted. But the rage

1:03:16

inside of Caleb

1:03:18

from getting his first ear shot off takes

1:03:20

over, and that primal bestial

1:03:23

nature surges even greater,

1:03:25

and he grows. He grows into an absurdly

1:03:28

tall version of the werewolf

1:03:30

he already was. He hulks out. Incredible.

1:03:34

Make a wolf roll for me. I got my number. I

1:03:36

got a three. So not only does this work, but you

1:03:38

tell me how the next one minute goes.

1:03:40

Yeah, Caleb grabs the remaining,

1:03:42

what are the three? Grabs the remaining werewolves

1:03:45

all by the neck, and then

1:03:48

he lifts up underneath them. There's a big subway

1:03:50

grate, and he rips it from the sidewalk,

1:03:53

and he throws them down just

1:03:55

as an oncoming four

1:03:58

train. Nice,

1:03:58

Caleb!

1:03:59

That is the train! You

1:04:02

know where you are! Going uptown smashes

1:04:05

them. You notice though that one of them

1:04:07

falls strangely and you see a pair

1:04:09

of sunglasses connected to nothing. Look

1:04:12

up and it says to you, It's me, the

1:04:14

Invisible Man! I am also in this episode

1:04:16

and he's also hit by the train. Ah, it was evil, it's okay!

1:04:18

Barry! Ah,

1:04:20

you know, what are you gonna do? Uh, his blood

1:04:22

was visible. They're all, they're destroyed by the train. I've

1:04:25

never had to take a werewolf life

1:04:27

before. Gil looks around. He

1:04:29

says, Oh no, there's just gonna be more and

1:04:31

more of them if we know we're coming. We

1:04:33

gotta get some allies. But who

1:04:36

shall ally with the Vampyr? This

1:04:38

man is in love with us. I've no

1:04:40

one else. Wait, I've got an idea. And

1:04:43

Caleb looks down to that hole he's just ripped,

1:04:45

you know, into the subway tunnels. And

1:04:47

he calls out, It's

1:04:50

goo time! And from

1:04:52

the subway tunnel emerges the

1:04:55

blob. Oh

1:04:57

yeah! The

1:05:00

blob emerges from the subway

1:05:02

tunnel and says, What's up guys?

1:05:05

Blob, once I saved your life

1:05:07

and you promised me a blood debt. Now

1:05:10

I call that favor in. Will you

1:05:12

stand with us and oppose the darkest mummies?

1:05:15

I thought I'd never hear from you

1:05:17

again. It's been quite a 72

1:05:20

hours since you've served my life.

1:05:23

I'll do anything I can to help

1:05:25

you. Thanks Blob. End of time.

1:05:28

And he begins slowly turning forward,

1:05:30

just like moving like molasses.

1:05:32

We're going to the Natural History Museum. Okay.

1:05:36

He moves through, he's like picking up taxis and just

1:05:38

like absorbing them into himself. Onlookers

1:05:40

are screaming, he goes, Shush, shush, no,

1:05:42

no, come on. And he grabs them and absorbs

1:05:45

them into himself too. They're just like, they disintegrate

1:05:47

in front of you. So does it take sense

1:05:50

to drive there? Or it might even be faster

1:05:52

just to take the subway if we go...

1:05:54

We can just ride Blob. He won't absorb us. Okay,

1:05:57

we just go across the park? Yeah. He'll just

1:05:59

go straight across the park. We arrived the blob you

1:06:01

ride the blob You do and

1:06:04

he allowed he doesn't absorb you it turns out the blob

1:06:06

was what not only was the blob alive The

1:06:09

blob was sentient and the blob could determine

1:06:11

what it wanted to absorb and not absorb It's

1:06:13

getting bigger and bigger as it absorbs Just

1:06:16

like people hanging out. There's like a couple having

1:06:19

their first kiss in the park There's

1:06:21

trick-or-treaters moving through Central Park

1:06:23

just sort of enjoying the night fall

1:06:25

on beyond all of them are killed as the blob

1:06:27

moves forward Churning it sucks

1:06:30

up trees and swing sets

1:06:32

and the the the horse drawn carriage

1:06:35

It's the horse is freed, but the cruel

1:06:37

man whipping the horse He's absorbed

1:06:39

into it Oh a moral victory for rude

1:06:41

tales of magics as the blob continues churning

1:06:44

across the park Well, I guess you're hungry blob.

1:06:46

I'm always hungry Tell

1:06:48

us Caleb, how about you save this strange

1:06:51

creatures life 72 hours ago? He's

1:06:54

allergic to citrus all that

1:06:57

he's such a problem if there's so many good things Yeah,

1:06:59

and I

1:06:59

have an EpiPen that explains why

1:07:02

he isn't feeding all the

1:07:04

time. There's so much citrus

1:07:07

Doesn't even have to be marked as an allergen. It

1:07:09

is a natural place It's

1:07:12

true counter ocular your wisdom

1:07:14

in stone. She's me counter ocular.

1:07:17

Look we're here. Thank you come to So

1:07:19

as you as you say that you've moved through the park

1:07:22

you realize you you see famous

1:07:24

probably the most powerful allies to the vampires

1:07:27

You

1:07:27

see a

1:07:28

famous

1:07:30

and popular frankenstein's club

1:07:33

Frank should we go in

1:07:36

Big frank is really big

1:07:38

now every now and then when the

1:07:40

blob was adjusting people she was

1:07:43

eating A little bit of

1:07:45

them before they got sucked in you just

1:07:47

had like oh, I thought you had like a straw in the blob

1:07:49

and just sort of Well

1:07:52

sure big frank's probiscus

1:07:54

yeah, yeah,

1:07:57

yes big frank you lead the way

1:07:59

You are practically the size

1:08:02

of a light Atlanta

1:08:04

a light

1:08:05

pole a lighting beam On

1:08:08

the street there the set the street

1:08:10

of these light a street light Three

1:08:12

is light. Yeah, that is

1:08:14

so strange.

1:08:16

He claims to be counter act but

1:08:18

he does not know So

1:08:21

strange he

1:08:22

claims to be counter act learn yet, you know, all

1:08:25

of these modern conveniences like

1:08:27

me We were three landed before

1:08:29

electricity, of course, I contract to

1:08:31

the mode You know this

1:08:33

but these more than street lamps are using

1:08:35

electricity Kind of like my

1:08:37

belt iron man coffee Gil

1:08:41

looks back and forth between the two of you it says I

1:08:43

don't know which is which Two

1:08:46

equally compelling cases for who

1:08:48

is Dracula one is certainly not

1:08:50

blowing the other out of the water

1:08:52

A Big

1:08:55

Frank reaches the Frankenstein

1:08:58

Club and what am I looking

1:08:59

at like on the outside of it? You see you

1:09:02

see an awning and it says the Copa

1:09:04

fire badna

1:09:07

Is Frank welcome

1:09:09

here Frank to Frank

1:09:11

My face is covered in blood.

1:09:12

I am

1:09:14

as tall as a street lamp and

1:09:16

I have mosquito wings and I appear

1:09:19

to have

1:09:19

Some uncontrolled where will purchase.

1:09:22

Wow So you do see there is a line of

1:09:25

Frankenstein's around the corner and

1:09:27

Gil looks around and goes guys I know a secret way

1:09:30

in I steal food from the kitchen all the time.

1:09:32

Oh, you know, that's that's bad

1:09:34

Are you okay? No, Gil,

1:09:36

you gotta get a wallet my dude. No Look,

1:09:40

we could spend all night talking about how

1:09:42

sad I am or we could solve the plot. Okay.

1:09:45

Okay. Let's go in the kitchen Oh Daddy,

1:09:49

he leads you guys back into

1:09:51

an alley and around the back you walk in through

1:09:53

the kitchen

1:09:54

and you walk into the Copa fire

1:09:57

Badna and and then he kissed

1:09:59

me starts playing

1:09:59

He leads you through and you see all

1:10:02

of the different Frankenstein. He

1:10:04

goes, that's Polly Big Shoes.

1:10:06

Polly Big Shoes nods at you and says, they're

1:10:09

too big. That's Joey

1:10:11

the neck. Joey doesn't turn.

1:10:13

He says, I don't even look at you, but

1:10:15

my neck is too big. That's

1:10:18

Volpe. You see a tiny little Frankenstein.

1:10:20

Pull your left hand. That's the bride.

1:10:24

And you see the boss

1:10:26

that Volpe was talking to. And it's the bride of Frankenstein

1:10:29

with her shriek of white hair. She

1:10:31

looks at you and she says, John. You

1:10:34

see, he says, that's Tommy Shoulders.

1:10:36

Tommy Shoulders says, hey, those ain't

1:10:38

shoulder pants, sweetheart. That's

1:10:40

zero times Dino. They call him

1:10:43

that on account of he says everything zero

1:10:45

time. Hey Dino, what's new? Dino

1:10:48

nods. That's Jamie the whale. A

1:10:53

slender Frankenstein nods at

1:10:56

you and says, I'm actually a little bit too big. I'm actually rather

1:10:58

slender. It's a reference. And that's Marty big

1:11:00

brain. They

1:11:03

call him that because his brain's too big

1:11:05

for his head. He's not smart at all.

1:11:07

And you see a Frankenstein clutching the sides of

1:11:09

his head going. No. Oh,

1:11:12

wow. Boys,

1:11:20

boys, you hate mummies,

1:11:22

don't you? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're

1:11:24

making a commotion in the Copa fire bad

1:11:27

enough. All of the Frankenstein's turned you

1:11:29

all of the mad scientists who have been like waiting

1:11:31

on them. They're the waiters here. Oh,

1:11:33

yeah. Those are called Frankenstein's

1:11:36

doctor. Fuck. That's

1:11:38

good. All of the Frankenstein's doctors. They

1:11:40

turn one of them drops the drink. And

1:11:43

I need you to make a culture role

1:11:46

with disadvantage. You don't just walk into

1:11:48

the Copa fire bad now and do this.

1:11:50

Oh,

1:11:51

I got a success in a failure. So

1:11:54

you're gonna have to take

1:11:56

that failure. Oh,

1:11:58

Tommy Shoulder stands.

1:11:59

up

1:12:00

and you see now as he moves he wasn't lying

1:12:03

those ain't shoulder pads baby those

1:12:05

are big shoulders he starts walking

1:12:07

towards you and he says we got

1:12:09

a problem here

1:12:11

no I just figured you would hate mummies

1:12:13

since they've been talking so much

1:12:15

shit about you guys I'll tell you what else

1:12:18

I hate is werewolves and I see

1:12:20

one and he looks at uh frank

1:12:23

he goes uh and a half werewolves

1:12:25

standing in front of me right now give

1:12:28

me one good and he starts cracking his knuckles

1:12:31

and it makes all sorts of different sounds it's all different

1:12:33

people's knuckles give me one

1:12:35

good reason why I shouldn't turn

1:12:38

you into mince me the mummies have been

1:12:40

going around saying they're better than you because

1:12:43

you know they're all one person and you're all

1:12:45

bits and bobs oh I didn't

1:12:47

like that buddy you better

1:12:49

be telling the truth because if you made that up

1:12:52

I'm gonna kick your ass and

1:12:54

a bunch of other frankenstein start walking towards

1:12:56

you can you make another culture roll yeah

1:13:01

I got my number you got your number yeah

1:13:03

okay so they all start walking

1:13:06

towards you and then they part and

1:13:08

you see the bride she's sitting at her

1:13:10

table and she waves you over sit

1:13:13

down over here and you get to ask me a question

1:13:16

um is the bride single whoa

1:13:18

famously

1:13:20

yeah she rejected frankenstein yeah

1:13:22

a bit of a spoiler yeah

1:13:26

when Caleb takes the bride in he gets

1:13:28

a feeling he's only ever felt with a

1:13:30

vampir she's a

1:13:32

vision she's electric she

1:13:35

turns her head like a bird and she because she gives you

1:13:37

her hand to to kiss um

1:13:40

you know he's still in werewolf form he gives it like a big lick

1:13:43

hot this is fucking hot shit sorry

1:13:45

but

1:13:46

this is hot shit

1:13:48

dude I'm ready

1:13:50

uh this is a historic day don't

1:13:53

worry I'd recognize you anywhere

1:13:55

Caleb Black you

1:13:57

know my name I know you

1:13:59

switched side. It's my job to

1:14:01

be informed. I always know what's

1:14:04

going on. That's why Marty Bigbrains,

1:14:06

that's why I pay him the big bucks to tell me what's

1:14:08

going on. Last I heard, my

1:14:12

skull, my brain's too big. So

1:14:14

yeah, I'm tapped into what's happened. This

1:14:18

is not the time to stay on the sidelines. Look,

1:14:21

werewolves, vampires, black

1:14:23

lagoon creatures, and the blob have

1:14:25

allied together to oppose the threat

1:14:27

that the mummies oppose. Gill leans in

1:14:29

and he goes, I'm the only creature from the black

1:14:32

lagoon. I'm not part of a community. The

1:14:36

bride, she takes all of this in.

1:14:38

She goes, I

1:14:39

don't know.

1:14:40

Society has never been very welcoming

1:14:43

to us Frankenstein.

1:14:44

I'm sure we could help you win this war,

1:14:46

but I

1:14:47

don't know.

1:14:48

Humans have always hated us and feared

1:14:51

us. They carry pitchforks and torches

1:14:53

wherever

1:14:53

we go. They hunt us down. Big

1:14:56

Frank says, sand.

1:14:58

There's no way Frankenstein's like

1:15:01

sand. The Frankensians begin

1:15:03

looking around. They say sand bad, sand

1:15:05

bad, sand bad. They have so

1:15:07

many open wounds. Plus if

1:15:09

it's sandy, it's really dry. So that means

1:15:11

the chance of fire is greater.

1:15:14

Fire worse, fire worse,

1:15:17

fire worse. They're smashing drinks.

1:15:20

One of them just picks up a Frankenstein's doctor

1:15:22

and rips it in half. Fire worse, fire

1:15:25

worse. The bride

1:15:27

with a single gesture, she quiets everyone down.

1:15:30

Whoa.

1:15:31

All right, you've laid out the danger. But

1:15:33

why don't we just get out of here?

1:15:35

Why should we help you?

1:15:37

Charming as you are. Caleb

1:15:40

gets on one knee. I do. Oh,

1:15:46

is this not I was going to make a formal

1:15:48

appeal. So he looks sharply to

1:15:51

the left. She goes, nevermind.

1:15:53

Then he places a werewolf paw on her

1:15:55

chin and turns her face back to him. She's

1:15:58

beautiful. I

1:16:00

do too. Ah! Ah!

1:16:03

Blur! We now pronounce

1:16:05

you.

1:16:06

Wait. Hahahaha. Hahahaha.

1:16:09

Under the eyes of the Dark Lord and

1:16:12

the parasitic vampiric

1:16:14

strain that infects us,

1:16:17

by that power we pronounce you

1:16:19

man and boy.

1:16:21

The Frankenstein cheer. They say, ceremony

1:16:24

good! Ceremony good!

1:16:26

And they begin. One of them smashes a light

1:16:29

bulb and they cheer. They say, light

1:16:31

bulb bad! Light bulb bad!

1:16:34

They lift you guys up on chairs and she says,

1:16:37

alright, alright.

1:16:38

Then it's agreed.

1:16:40

The Frankenstein's will ally

1:16:42

with you, the vampires, two

1:16:44

werewolves, and the creature from the Black

1:16:47

Lagoon as well as the blob and we

1:16:49

will fight the Mummy's curse. Sorry,

1:16:51

Cois. Thank you, bride.

1:16:53

This is when you realize

1:16:55

that Big Frank, who had been sort of out

1:16:57

of scene, has been eating Frankenstein's

1:17:00

doctors left and right and is now

1:17:03

Alice in Wonderlanding through

1:17:05

like the windows

1:17:07

and the, you know.

1:17:09

And so she picks up the entire

1:17:11

club and

1:17:12

begins walking with them towards

1:17:14

the National History Museum. Wow. You

1:17:17

easily catch up with the blob who was also moving

1:17:20

forward. And now the entire Copa Fire

1:17:22

Badgeman, you all

1:17:24

descend

1:17:25

on the Museum

1:17:27

of Natural History.

1:17:29

You look up at it and it's transformed.

1:17:31

It's no longer shaped the way it once was. Now

1:17:33

it's a damned pyramid! What?

1:17:37

Blah! It points

1:17:39

to the sky and dark circles

1:17:41

swirl overhead. But

1:17:43

you realize that those aren't circles, those aren't clouds

1:17:46

or anything. It's sand. The

1:17:48

sand is swirling above you already.

1:17:51

It's begun. The temperature, it rises.

1:17:54

The barometric pressure, it does something.

1:17:56

I think it raises the humidity. It

1:17:58

lowers.

1:17:59

it gets drier and drier and drier

1:18:02

you are in desert like conditions now

1:18:04

the creature from the black lagoon gill goes oh

1:18:07

no what is this the

1:18:10

loove the doors

1:18:12

open and an enormous sphinx

1:18:16

flies

1:18:19

out at you screaming die die

1:18:21

die it's gonna firebomb

1:18:24

you counter dragon takes out his elephant

1:18:27

um and he wait

1:18:33

yeah Caleb places a

1:18:35

hand on the elephant gun and says no we

1:18:37

don't need it and then he looks at the sphinx and says

1:18:40

man the sphinx explode i

1:18:42

think

1:18:47

frank hasn't heard the riddle and

1:18:49

she goes

1:18:50

wow she's such a feminist

1:18:56

dracula goes what

1:18:59

is a man but a miserable pile

1:19:02

of secrets

1:19:03

good paul good paul real

1:19:05

dracula heads no yes i say

1:19:07

that too that is it is that

1:19:10

yeah what yeah dracula when did you say

1:19:12

it when did you say it who did you say it when i

1:19:14

got my gun engraved and he

1:19:16

shows him the elephant gun and on that long

1:19:19

long um uh barrel

1:19:22

uh yeah you can see that exact phrase

1:19:24

uh carved in uh-huh feels like

1:19:26

one of these dracula's is much more familiar with castlevania

1:19:29

video games

1:19:31

while the other is much more familiar with pulp

1:19:33

comics but

1:19:36

beach while he's beach i would argue the

1:19:38

first one is also pretty familiar with pulp comics yeah

1:19:43

but the other is also familiar with them

1:19:47

the pyramid begins to rumble and rumble

1:19:49

and you hear a voice say are you quite

1:19:52

done a

1:19:54

pyramid the talk and

1:19:56

you realize the voice is simply coming from

1:19:58

inside the pyramid is Sand moves

1:20:01

out of the pyramid and a large face

1:20:04

forms a face 10 stories

1:20:06

tall Forms in the sand and it speaks

1:20:08

to you and says beware

1:20:10

the mummies curse Fools

1:20:13

you would defy me We're going

1:20:15

to turn all of New York City

1:20:18

into sand and from there the world

1:20:21

We're going to turn the entire world

1:20:24

into sand

1:20:25

and that's our plan Not if V

1:20:28

can help it for don't you

1:20:30

see a world of sand

1:20:33

is not a space for us monsters

1:20:35

on

1:20:35

Halloween

1:20:37

Love matters on the

1:20:39

Halloween. We are all together

1:20:41

as monsters on Halloween Children

1:20:44

can see us on this day if next come

1:20:46

a Halloween comes around and you have gotten

1:20:48

your choice There

1:20:49

will be none of us less

1:20:51

No, mommy

1:20:52

be a million scarab beetles at you. Oh Um

1:20:57

count Dracula holds up his hand these

1:20:59

are vermin these scarab beetles He

1:21:01

has control over them as well

1:21:04

his palm flexes his long Fingers

1:21:07

that seem to sparkle as he turns

1:21:10

his hand over beckoning them

1:21:12

into his palm

1:21:14

Big Frank goes to

1:21:16

big Frank's mosquito instincts also

1:21:19

kick in

1:21:19

mosquitoes are women Yeah, yeah,

1:21:21

mosquitoes are women. Oh, I'm pretty comfortable

1:21:23

saying it Nursing

1:21:25

a bite right now. They're vermin Tim. Can

1:21:28

you make a blood roll for me

1:21:30

gladly?

1:21:32

Who hey

1:21:33

that's gonna that works you

1:21:35

have dominion over the scarabs. What would you like them

1:21:38

now? We keep it reasonable. You didn't get your blood culture,

1:21:40

but you you know, you can they can they're gonna listen

1:21:42

to you so what

1:21:45

the scarabs do is they all stack

1:21:48

up one on top of the other on

1:21:51

My hand so they are

1:21:53

about that with the amount of them they are about as

1:21:55

tall as big Frank It's

1:21:58

a lot of scarabs. Yeah Okay,

1:22:00

what are you gonna do with them? They're stacked, you've got

1:22:02

a stack of scarabs. There's still, like,

1:22:05

hundreds of thousands of more swarming around you,

1:22:07

but you've got a stack of them. You also notice,

1:22:09

by the way, that none of them are actually attacking

1:22:12

you or your comrades. They seem constitutionally

1:22:14

unable to, because you do control vermin.

1:22:17

Ah... Scarab. I

1:22:19

believe it is time for all of you... ...to

1:22:21

get VET. Go into

1:22:23

the Vata! Though this time...

1:22:26

...this time go into the Hut. The

1:22:28

scarabs fly off, and they begin flying

1:22:30

to the Hudson. And they fly in

1:22:32

there and they drown. Oh no, you've created

1:22:34

an ecological disaster. The scarabs

1:22:36

begin drowning in the Hudson River, but

1:22:39

they are not bothering you anymore. The

1:22:41

pyramid, it shudders, and

1:22:43

a large face in the sand. It

1:22:45

says, okay, well...

1:22:48

Dracula, that's it.

1:22:50

Vata. And Dracula

1:22:52

looks up to the dark skies,

1:22:55

and turns into mist, and

1:22:58

shoots up.

1:22:59

It looks like... it's like filmed footage.

1:23:02

It clearly was shot in water, and then the footage

1:23:04

was reversed to, like, get the mist to go up

1:23:07

into the sky. And then it joins

1:23:09

with the clouds and starts swirling

1:23:11

around. Water condenses.

1:23:14

Thunder crackles. And

1:23:17

little droplets start to fall.

1:23:19

No. That's right. Dracula is agitating

1:23:22

the rain in mist form. The clouds,

1:23:24

they go, ah, come on. Oh, jeez, dude.

1:23:27

Oh, you're agitating me. Rain.

1:23:31

I, Lord of the

1:23:33

Undead, gentlemen

1:23:36

of the elements, command you. Rain.

1:23:39

Rain for me. We cut to

1:23:42

trick-or-treating children all over the city. They

1:23:44

all go, aww. And

1:23:47

their parents, they look up and they say, it looks

1:23:49

like rain. I'm sorry, children,

1:23:51

but Halloween is canceled this year. Guess

1:23:54

we'll have to go home and do our homework.

1:23:57

That's the only option, even though

1:23:59

this year, Halloween falls on a Friday.

1:24:01

What a tragic Halloween to get rained

1:24:03

out. Oh my child. I pity

1:24:06

you What was that and we the camera goes

1:24:08

back now to Dracula in the clouds? Yeah,

1:24:10

his face is formed in the clouds

1:24:13

You can see like lightning forms

1:24:15

like in the black gaps that

1:24:17

form his eyeballs So it's like like flashing

1:24:20

and he's like and I declare you

1:24:23

will enjoy your candy on subtlety Make

1:24:26

a culture roll. I Got

1:24:29

the five that is

1:24:32

a success The

1:24:34

children of New York City they look up to you

1:24:36

and you've harmed them the

1:24:38

children believe in Dracula They believe

1:24:41

in the creature from the black lagoon. They believe in

1:24:43

the werewolves They believe in it all and they concentrate

1:24:46

and they send all of their energy and all

1:24:48

of their power to help you It does nothing

1:24:51

children don't possess magic I do Yes,

1:24:56

Dracula is basically the

1:24:59

Santa Claus of Halloween we know

1:25:02

You really are but it does it

1:25:04

does begin raining it begins raining gently

1:25:07

at first It's just a bit of a myth that kind of rain we're

1:25:09

like, I'll be fine I'll keep walking

1:25:11

that kind of rain But it gets heavier

1:25:14

and heavier and heavier and the the pyramid

1:25:16

here at shake again and mummies begin walking

1:25:19

out now Towards you guys. They're a lines

1:25:21

and lines of mummies. They're all walking towards

1:25:23

you

1:25:24

the mommy's curse Beware

1:25:26

the mommy's curse, but as the water hits them they

1:25:28

begin to unravel still more

1:25:30

and more and more come out You're not out of the woods yet.

1:25:33

This is time for a Calvary

1:25:35

to strike

1:25:36

Frankenstein

1:25:38

with the water here. They cannot

1:25:41

curse you with flame attack

1:25:43

attack the moment The bride

1:25:46

breaks away from an embrace with Caleb later

1:25:50

later And she's

1:25:53

Frankenstein's attack attack and the

1:25:55

Frankenstein's begin tearing off. They

1:25:57

have they have Tommy guns and they're just firing

1:26:00

on the, so it's the scene from

1:26:03

the end of the Godfather where

1:26:05

Michael is renouncing Satan and you're seeing

1:26:08

they're just like they're shooting mummies through the glasses.

1:26:11

There's a mummy in the bathtub. They're just like they're trapping

1:26:13

one mummy in the revolving doors

1:26:15

and they just gun him down as the

1:26:18

Frankenstein's descend on the mummies. It's working.

1:26:21

It's working. The tides of battle have almost turned.

1:26:23

You've almost got this, but still more

1:26:25

and more mummies begins to pour out

1:26:27

of this pyramid and the face

1:26:29

in the sand begins to melt away and

1:26:32

it's just a floating skull in the sky that

1:26:34

says, no, no, no, no.

1:26:37

Far on the horizon,

1:26:40

Big Frank sees something that no one

1:26:42

else has yet noticed. Godzilla

1:26:44

is

1:26:44

making his way into

1:26:47

the fray and

1:26:49

as the clouds above the

1:26:51

buffer start to part

1:26:54

as the raid is coming down, the

1:26:57

full moon shines upon her

1:26:58

and she submits to it. Not only

1:27:00

is she huge, but she becomes huge

1:27:02

and even more wolfish and she

1:27:05

runs off

1:27:06

over the horizon to fight a battle

1:27:09

that is off screen.

1:27:10

So we don't

1:27:12

have the budget for her. We don't have, those

1:27:14

were not high budget. Those are guys, pretty cheap. We

1:27:16

don't even have that budget. But look,

1:27:19

she's doing it. Oh my gosh. Oh

1:27:21

no. But she's,

1:27:24

oh yes, that's it. She's doing it.

1:27:27

She's really doing it.

1:27:30

The pyramid begins to shake and

1:27:32

shake and it reforms into

1:27:34

the natural history museum, but the

1:27:36

skull in the sky is still flying around

1:27:39

and it, it shrieks and

1:27:41

it says, this isn't over. This

1:27:44

isn't over. This isn't over. I still live.

1:27:46

And as long as I live, I can

1:27:48

come back. I can find another museum

1:27:51

and I can turn the mummies there again. And

1:27:53

just as he is saying this

1:27:55

speech, flying through

1:27:58

the air off a ramp in the middle of Central

1:28:00

Park. There drives a

1:28:02

lift. Driven,

1:28:05

we zoom in by Caleb's father, Tony.

1:28:08

As he sails through the air, they nod

1:28:10

at each other, and then the lift

1:28:12

collides with the skull.

1:28:15

There's an explosion. The

1:28:17

skull

1:28:18

is destroyed.

1:28:20

The lift is destroyed.

1:28:23

Tony

1:28:24

falls harmlessly to the ground. Dad!

1:28:28

Son! Ow! I hit the ground! Oh,

1:28:32

you were fine, though. Yeah, I am. Werewolves,

1:28:34

we're resilient. Listen, I know

1:28:36

you didn't always approve of me

1:28:39

being with a vampire, but I've

1:28:42

got some news. What's that? Well,

1:28:45

I'd like you to meet my wife.

1:28:48

The bride of Frankenstein, she puts a hand out. She says,

1:28:50

Charmed, I'm sure. He bows.

1:28:53

He says, Your Majesty.

1:28:55

And he says, and Caleb, I

1:28:57

have news for you. Your mother,

1:29:00

she wasn't skeletonized by a pack of tiny

1:29:02

vampires when she set one foot in Transylvania.

1:29:05

Your mother, and he steps forward,

1:29:08

was a vampire. What?

1:29:12

That's right. Your mother was a vampire.

1:29:15

And you were a werewolf. Yes, forbidden

1:29:18

love.

1:29:19

But we made it work and we had you, the

1:29:21

first werewolf to be traditionally hot.

1:29:26

Beep, that explains it. Beep, beep.

1:29:29

Goes Count Dracula's digital watch. It's

1:29:32

a calculator watch. Beep.

1:29:35

Right. It is a beautiful

1:29:38

story, but it

1:29:47

is 1201. Halloween

1:29:49

is over.

1:29:51

This one day that we all join together

1:29:53

and celebrate the differences of the monster people

1:29:56

is no longer the day that it

1:29:58

is. We must all

1:30:01

go back to our isolated

1:30:03

communities.

1:30:04

The vampire,

1:30:06

the mosquito,

1:30:08

the Frankenstein,

1:30:09

and the, what

1:30:12

are you now, Caleb?

1:30:14

I think I'm just

1:30:17

me. And

1:30:20

the bride puts a hand on his shoulder and says, he's

1:30:23

a husband. Yeah. Yeah.

1:30:26

Happy Halloween. I'm gonna get inside. It's all Saints

1:30:28

day and the doors begin flying

1:30:30

open all over the city as saints begin

1:30:32

emerging from every single building,

1:30:35

chanting in Latin. Good

1:30:37

night, everybody. The saints go marching in

1:30:39

plain. Bye bye bye bye bye. Bye

1:30:42

bye bye

1:30:43

bye.

1:30:54

Well now, what did I tell

1:30:55

you? Pretty scary stuff,

1:30:57

right? We had to see Grant's figure,

1:31:00

you know what? Frog, that

1:31:02

was Alice Fisher as Bitch Frank,

1:31:05

Christopher Hastings, Caldracula,

1:31:08

Joe LaPore as Caleb, Tim

1:31:10

Flie as Caldracula, and

1:31:12

Prancing Reese's, Everteen and

1:31:14

Everyone Else. Blood Tales

1:31:16

of the Pratty is produced by Buffy the

1:31:18

Moo. edited by Sam

1:31:20

Grant and scored by Joe LaPore.

1:31:23

The decision was

1:31:24

now designed for papa Elton, and

1:31:27

as always, special thanks to Tyler Mook

1:31:29

and Sydney and Benjamin Paul, and Bitch

1:31:31

Frank Christina Lopez. Y'all

1:31:34

gonna wanna come back here in two weeks for

1:31:36

the thrilling finale, the conclusion

1:31:39

to the Craft-to-Smith storyline of Broke

1:31:41

Tales of Magic. And then you're gonna wanna

1:31:43

come back two weeks later for the thrilling

1:31:46

debut of our brand new campaign.

1:31:50

Ooh, it's gonna be an incredible,

1:31:53

you're not gonna wanna miss it. You're

1:31:55

gonna like it. I get on free.

1:31:58

I get on free. I'm on three!

1:32:02

What the fuck? I'm like doing with my life!