0:00

Excuse us. Hi. Hi.

0:04

Hi. We heard you talking about how disgusting

0:07

your bedsheets are.

0:08

Did you know that traditional bedsheets

0:10

can harbor more bacteria than a toilet

0:12

seat? And I saw that you were in the bathroom

0:15

in there for a long time, so you know

0:17

what I'm talking about. That can lead to acne,

0:20

allergies, and stuffy noses. It's just gross.

0:23

But...

0:24

We have some sheets we want

0:26

to tell you about. MiracleMaid.

0:29

They offer a whole line of self-cleaning,

0:33

eco-friendly bedding such as sheets,

0:35

pillowcases, and comforters. You know,

0:37

the stuff that goes on beds. And they prevent 99%

0:39

of bacteria. And

0:44

require 3 times less laundry.

0:45

Here's the thing. They use silver-infused

0:47

fabrics. Originally inspired by

0:49

NASA. Silver. They're thermoregulating

0:52

and designed to keep you at the perfect temperature

0:55

all night long. So you get better sleep every night.

0:58

Because let me tell you, this one, it's

1:00

like sleeping on top of a radiator. Radiator. I

1:04

get very hot normally. Very

1:06

hot. Now the silver in these sheets aren't

1:09

just temperature regulating. They prevent

1:11

up to 99.7% of bacterial growth. They

1:15

stay cleaner longer, baby. And

1:18

fresh 3 times longer than other sheets. Those

1:20

disgusting sheets you guys were talking about.

1:23

Can

1:23

you imagine your bed won't reek

1:25

anymore? We used to get into bed every

1:28

night. I would get into bed gagging

1:30

because of how badly our sheets stunk

1:32

until we started using MiracleMaid.

1:35

We decided to stop sleeping on

1:37

bacteria. Bacteria that can

1:39

clog your pores and cause breakouts and

1:41

acne.

1:42

Now I saw that you ordered the focaccia

1:44

to start. Very delicious. But you see

1:46

those bubbles on the surface there? That's

1:49

what his back used to look like before

1:51

we switched to MiracleMaid.

1:52

And MiracleSheets are luxuriously

1:55

comfortable. So comfortable. We

1:57

almost didn't get out of bed to go here. You

2:00

would have hated that. You wouldn't have known. You wouldn't

2:02

have known. But you know what? It's without the

2:04

high price tag of other luxury

2:06

brands. And they feel as nice, if

2:09

not nicer. Nicer,

2:10

I would say, than the bedsheets used by

2:12

some five-star hotels. We were just saying

2:14

this on the ride over here. So listen,

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I can see you're ready to go. But before you do, you're

2:19

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OK, OK, you're rushing out the door. That's fine.

2:35

I just want you to know that if at any point,

2:38

you know, within 30 days, you're like, oh no, I

2:40

hate nice sheets, you can

2:42

return them for a full refund.

2:45

Oh, they're gone. Oh, they

2:47

probably had to go get sick again in the bathroom.

2:49

I think they wanted to leave this restaurant to

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go to a computer, to go to trymiracle.com.

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You are the most brilliant man I've ever known. Again,

3:09

that's trymiracle.com slash Rude

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Tales to treat yourself. Thank

3:13

you, Miracle Made, for sponsoring this episode

3:16

of Rude Tales of Magic.

3:17

Take it away, grave freaker.

3:22

This is a HeadGum podcast.

3:28

MUSIC Well,

3:31

well, well, look who came crawling

3:34

back to the graveyard. Couldn't

3:36

get enough of the epic tale

3:39

which we weave, which

3:41

I read from a book. I'm

3:43

chained to a big book in a graveyard and

3:45

you're back. You don't want to talk. Oh,

3:48

you disgust me. Oh, you're

3:50

gross. Oh,

3:52

it's Rude Tales of Magic. Welcome

3:58

back to Rude Tales of Magic. of magic, the show

4:01

critics are asking for by name at

4:03

the podcast grocery store. Our

4:05

heroes have landed safely and said

4:08

their tearful goodbyes to the gliding

4:10

men.

4:10

The familiar counterclockwise winds

4:13

of the teenage woods are at your backs.

4:15

Could things finally be looking up for

4:17

you? I don't know, I don't know anything.

4:20

A strong guy hits me extremely hard

4:22

in the head every night erasing

4:24

my memories. I hope our show is good,

4:26

I have no way of knowing.

4:28

You talk now to the local Spike Salesman.

4:33

So, we're sorry. Don't,

4:36

nothing to be sorry about. It's just that a gliding

4:38

man, a wicked what I could tell, fell down

4:40

and died on my Spikes. Well,

4:42

I think he was already dead. You seem so familiar.

4:45

What is your name? My name? My

4:47

name is Spike Salesman. Spike

4:49

Salesman, you did the Burns Me manner, yes?

4:52

About 10 years ago? Holy shit!

4:54

You did my Spikes! I sold you Spikes! The

4:56

Spikes in my mouth! How'd you like them? They

4:59

worked so well up until when they didn't.

5:02

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, well. I didn't

5:04

clean them. You do have to keep the Spikes

5:06

clean. If they get dirty, they don't become sharp.

5:09

Stacked up with too many bodies. Yes,

5:11

oh yes, you gotta take the bodies off. It's not

5:13

the dirt, it's the bodies. Yeah, a crowd ran right

5:15

across them. I understand, it sounds like you had

5:17

a lot of enemies. I did. Sounds

5:20

like you could use a Spike Salesman. Oh, don't

5:22

start now! I'm a little bit too

5:24

mobile. ABC, I understand.

5:27

Wait a minute. Yes.

5:28

Do we want any Spikes? Sir,

5:30

we're about to fight a giant heart. Well

5:33

then, you could use some Spikes! I think that might

5:35

work.

5:35

Why would I deny you the Spikes?

5:38

Why wouldn't I sell you Spikes? I'm Spike

5:40

Salesman! And while we're talking about

5:42

it, have you heard anything about a giant heart?

5:45

Oh, I've heard all sorts of strange tales,

5:48

rumors about some sort of giant heart

5:50

in the Soaking Valley. Yes, yes. Why,

5:52

why do you bring it up? Oh, you're gonna be fighting that heart? Well,

5:54

you're gonna need a Spike to do that. Can you like,

5:57

um, share

5:58

any of those? rumors.

6:02

Oh yeah what have you heard? Yeah I've heard that there's

6:04

a big glowing heart that's taken over the soaking

6:07

valley. No, we didn't let him do that. People don't want to be

6:09

around there. You

6:11

know a spike would go a long way. Ah

6:13

but what if it's a type of heart that you put

6:16

spike in and spike come out? If we

6:18

remember what it was like fighting this thing last

6:20

time. Right. Oh are you

6:22

saying this is like a big heart you put something into the heart and

6:24

then things come out of the heart that are like

6:26

that? Ironically. Oh you're not gonna want

6:29

spikes? No. If only I was a pillow

6:31

salesman.

6:32

Alright I buried the body. Oh oh

6:37

I wish I had known and Bella was holding

6:39

two ankles. Oh what

6:43

did you think I was doing? Bathroom?

6:46

Come here come on let's go put him in. Okay.

6:49

I also thought bathroom I have to admit.

6:51

Actually can I can I take them?

6:55

Uh sure. How we feeling

6:57

on these spikes? They look like great

6:59

spikes man. I feel like I talked myself out

7:01

of a sale there. It does

7:03

seem like this isn't quite the opportunity. Mall

7:06

spikes? He opens up like a like little

7:08

sardine can. Tiny little spikes in here. They're

7:10

really more thumbtacks than spikes but wha? Do you

7:12

ever like would you ever like put those

7:14

spikes on a pair of brass knuckles? Oh

7:17

that's a very good idea because the brass knuckles

7:19

would do a lot of damage but with spikes they do extra

7:21

damage. I'm all about damage. Stir-fry

7:24

is sitting

7:24

crisscross applesauce right by right

7:27

in front of the spikes and you can see that

7:29

there are racks that he is controlling. Going

7:31

between the spikes and licking them clean from blood

7:33

and other gut. Thank you so much for cleaning

7:36

my spikes. It'll make them easier to sell.

7:38

Yes of course if you are selling those

7:40

spikes I wouldn't mind getting the one with the brass knuckles.

7:42

Sure I could put these spikes onto brass knuckles. We

7:44

don't have any brass knuckles it was just an idea I was pitching.

7:47

Well luckily I have brass knuckles I wear them all the time

7:49

I get robbed very often. People want my

7:51

spikes. Oh they want them desperately. At

7:54

first when the gliding man fell onto the spikes

7:56

and died I thought he was trying to steal the spikes. Quickly

7:59

I was able to understand.

7:59

that that's not the case, he was simply dead. I

8:04

guess he was dying to buy those spikes. That's

8:07

very good, that's extremely good. The

8:09

second thing I've ever heard you say, and I like it.

8:11

So speaking of the dead

8:13

man, Elvie is

8:16

gonna go with Cordelia to

8:18

put those ankles in

8:20

a grave.

8:22

I know. Now-

8:27

Pretty fun, right? Eat your heart out, other

8:29

transitioners. Oh,

8:35

Elvie, that's great to hear because I thought you were keeping

8:37

those feet. No, I don't want feet. You

8:39

were like, I'll have the feet. And I was like, that

8:41

seems weird, she's a vegetarian. Yeah,

8:45

no, and I definitely don't wanna eat them.

8:48

No, I wanted to ask you a question.

8:51

Okay, but don't, I didn't actually bury the

8:53

body, I just threw it in the woods. Oh,

8:58

Elvie flings the feet into the woods. I

9:00

dug a hole for like one minute, it was so hard.

9:02

Yeah, no,

9:04

it's a lot of work. Boring. Yeah, it's boring.

9:10

So remember how we are the

9:12

ones responsible for sending

9:14

the college to hell? Yes,

9:17

I do remember that. Okay. I've

9:20

been thinking a lot about going

9:22

to hell and looking at all

9:25

of the people that we sent there and

9:29

wondering if you had any thoughts about what you

9:31

were gonna say. I'm

9:32

not that type of thinker. Okay,

9:39

I feel like I wanna have like a thing, I

9:41

just wanna be on the same page, like we're saying

9:44

the same thing. Like we did

9:46

it. You wanna tell them we did it? We

9:48

didn't, I mean, I don't,

9:50

this is the first time I'm thinking about it. Okay.

9:53

And I'm looking at your face and reevaluating.

9:56

I just think there might be some people, like people

9:58

who were in the room with us say. the same

10:00

words as us that might know? Definitely.

10:03

And they might have already told everybody. True.

10:05

So should we follow Fairleed?

10:06

They

10:09

might be dead. I think

10:11

we should just say like, yeah, we did it. We'll do it

10:13

again. Don't mess with us. Yeah,

10:15

we're bad bitches. Yeah. Yeah.

10:19

Mothra, Tal-delta. Tal-delta.

10:22

Yes. A flip cup emerges from the woods

10:24

chewing on the body that you threw into the woods. Oh, hey,

10:26

flip cup. Hey, rar! It's

10:28

us, the three bad bitches. Amen.

10:32

Amen. There's some more

10:34

feet over there. Feet? Yeah.

10:37

Oh, human eaters delight. Well,

10:39

well, well. Really quickly,

10:42

since we're about to go to hell and everything, I

10:45

just want to say I'm really sorry about

10:48

the whole bellow

10:51

thing. And I mean, I'm not sorry

10:53

that I'm dating him, but I'm sorry

10:55

that it got weird. And I just,

10:58

I still, you're still my best friend, and

11:00

I just want to clear the air

11:02

before we die. Yes. Good.

11:06

Cool. Great. Yeah. I

11:09

am, I have been avoiding you a little bit. I know. Okay.

11:12

Wasn't sure if that was clear or not. It was. But,

11:14

okay. I'll try and stop. I don't

11:16

know. It's just weird, and I'm trying

11:18

to not be weird. Okay. Because

11:21

we're both moved on with a grammy-o.

11:24

I know. I know. What

11:27

a holiday season that will be. Hell

11:29

yeah. Yeah. Okay, seriously,

11:32

though, we're going to die, and I just want

11:34

to be cool. I'm

11:36

not sure I've processed that yet, but yeah, I

11:39

think we're cool. Okay.

11:42

Yeah. Albie's going

11:44

to climb onto Cordelia's

11:46

back and go, charge!

11:51

She does. Cordelia goes,

11:53

brrrrr! And runs

11:56

back to the group.

11:57

And that's all of the types of

11:59

spiders. that there are. And as I said

12:02

at the beginning of this speech, I will not repeat

12:04

myself. No! I'm sorry.

12:06

Keep them wanting more. That's the name of the game

12:08

in Spike Salesmanship.

12:10

Do you have a card? I do. Here

12:12

it is. But be careful. There's spikes on

12:14

it. Alvy,

12:16

let's him put it in her skeletal hand.

12:19

All right. Here we go. Thank you. The

12:23

name on that card is Spike Salesingman.

12:25

Got it. I believe. It

12:27

was so nice to meet you. And I'm

12:29

sorry about your surprise tragedy

12:32

from the sky. Not a tragedy for me. Weird

12:35

to see, but not a tragedy at all. No,

12:37

a tragedy for me would be if my entire

12:40

family exploded. OK.

12:42

I hope that doesn't happen. I hope so

12:44

too. I love them dearly. It's why I sell these spikes.

12:46

Yeah. To support them. To support them! Yes,

12:48

yes! Oh! Oh, comrades!

12:51

Hey, comrades! Yes! Hey,

12:53

quick. Real quick. Has there been a lot of activity

12:55

on the main road? There has. There's

12:58

been quite a bit of people coming from the Soaking Valley

13:00

on the main road. Yes, yes. A lot of witch

13:02

hunters on that main road. Oh. No.

13:05

Thank you. Wait a second.

13:08

Goodbye! I know. Oh, goodbye. Bye.

13:11

Well, never mind. I'll stop putting those pieces

13:13

together. Thank you, comrades. Ah, comrades!

13:16

Ha ha! Belo takes

13:18

off into the woods. His

13:21

friend's in tow. That's mean. And off

13:23

into those woods you go. You travel into the teenage woods.

13:25

It's the teenage woods, baby. You guys have been

13:27

here before. Not in this exact spot, but you know

13:30

these woods, these familiar woods, these

13:32

familiar counterclockwise winds.

13:34

This is familiar terrain. Yeah,

13:38

Albie's feeling a little bit better than she's been

13:40

feeling lately. It just feels good to

13:42

be in familiar territory, breathing

13:45

the air she breathed most of her life. Yeah.

13:48

She's starting to

13:51

regain some confidence. So

13:53

we had an awfully hard time facing Mother. I've

13:55

been reminded when we realized that big

13:57

spikes wouldn't do the trick.

13:59

I've got a real itch. Got a real itch

14:02

I gotta tell you. To check out this

14:05

big freaky book on my bag. Maybe

14:08

it's got some cool spells that kill big

14:10

blue hearts, what do you think? Maybe it has something

14:12

but mother in it itself. We don't know

14:14

the mother's origins, perhaps she

14:17

herself is a demon. Oh, that's true.

14:19

We should check the index under M. For

14:22

mother. Now that's a literate boy talking

14:24

and I love it. All right, I've

14:26

had some college. Yeah,

14:30

so

14:31

Frederick reverently places the book on the ground. Frederick, make

14:33

an arcana roll. A 10. A 10?

14:37

You hear the book hissing in your ear. I hate you, I hate

14:40

everything I've done. And

14:45

the book flies open and the pages begin turning and

14:47

turning and turning. No! Frederick

14:51

slams his arms down on the book, pinning

14:53

the pages down and then goes to wrestle them back. He's

14:55

like, no! No,

14:58

you listen to me, book. You are meant

15:00

to be red, start the finish, same

15:01

as any other. I will start

15:03

with your table of contents, you nothing. And

15:06

you slam the book down and you make a strength. You

15:08

have to make a strength roll against the book's strength. What

15:11

do you do? What do you do?

15:12

You do pretty

15:14

good actually, Frederick. That's not bad, it's just a book

15:16

after all. And I'm a little guy. Oh no,

15:18

it's a damned and infernal book. Oh no, the

15:21

book is struggling against you, struggling against

15:23

you and knows you're trying to go to the table of contents.

15:25

And instead, it opens to the very, very

15:28

first page, which reads

15:31

to my aunt Elizabeth. I'm

15:34

sorry that I stole the B in your name and

15:36

replaced it with an R. Also,

15:38

your skull got turned into candy, which I'm

15:40

sorry about.

15:41

I hope this book will make it so that kids

15:43

stop eating your skull, killing you instantly.

15:46

The book begins shaking and shaking and vibrating

15:48

and vibrating and vibrating and it flips and

15:51

flips and flips, it overpowers you, Frederick. It's

15:53

pretty good. It was good enough to get to the beginning of it. It

15:55

knocks you over and it turns and turns and turns and

15:57

it just are flying and flying and flying.

15:59

finally lands on the page that it has

16:02

chosen. The book opens to

16:04

a T-stain page, displaying

16:06

a line

16:07

drawing of a smiling man made

16:09

of mushrooms, who, despite

16:12

being connected to the ground, moves like

16:14

he's doing the keep on truck and walk. Smallfungalgroves.the

16:18

page. The title reads, Shataki

16:21

Tomboy, also known as Pomplamoose

16:24

Big Boy, also known as Bukaki

16:26

Tamaro, also known as Kevin

16:28

Dimensions, also known as Pooping

16:31

Wednesdays, also known as Shadowfax

16:33

Pill Addiction, also known as Mitsubishi

16:36

Frankenstein, also known as, and the book

16:38

flips forward several pages finally with

16:40

the final

16:41

name, Tim Platt Ploppings. Shataki

16:45

Tomboy is a newly discovered and

16:47

relatively benign strain of growing demon,

16:50

demons who move up from hell

16:52

through the soil and into our

16:54

world.

16:55

Despite his placid, phlegmatic

16:57

temperament, he is an invasive species,

17:00

and any readers who encounter him are encouraged

17:02

to exterminate him, unpleasant as the

17:04

thought may be.

17:06

Shataki Tomboy takes the form

17:08

of a sentient fungus, which communicates

17:10

through non-invasive telepathy.

17:12

He is almost completely immobile, but spread

17:15

slowly by absorbing travelers and

17:17

adventuring parties.

17:18

It is rumored that all of Cordelia will

17:21

one day be consumed by him.

17:23

At the risk of editorializing, I

17:25

hope that doesn't happen. Virginia's

17:28

notes are bullet pointed in the margins

17:30

in Perfect Times New Roman font.

17:32

The first bullet point reads, Shataki

17:35

Tomboy seems to be a good enough fellow. He

17:38

offered to absorb me and Joshi and usher

17:40

us into a psychedelic paradise where

17:42

our bodies would never grow old and

17:44

we could shed the shackles of our egos

17:46

and personalities. We declined

17:49

out of respect for our mission.

17:51

Second bullet point,

17:52

Shataki Tomboy did something funny to

17:54

Joshi that made him start talking about how

17:56

important certain guitar solos are.

17:59

Didn't care for-

21:56

Fuck

22:00

you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,

22:02

thank you for showing me what you did. Bella

22:04

was saying, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,

22:07

for all those who don't speak infernal. Thank

22:09

you. My pleasure. Mr. Fred makes eye contact

22:11

with Cordelia, looks at the book, looks

22:13

back at Cordelia. Yeah, Bella stops binulating

22:15

and throws the book to the ground. Don't

22:18

dibs on the book. Yeah,

22:20

really? Yeah. Good luck. The

22:22

way it's talking is the way that I like

22:24

to be talked to. I

22:26

see that. Yeah. I see you.

22:30

Baby, why not? Woo. Bonjour,

22:33

mi amor. Maybe

22:36

the first to say bonjour. All right, well, I'll just go

22:38

ahead and put that back on my back. And

22:42

De Bonz vie straps the book back on. You hear

22:44

those whispers, De Bonz vie, these whispers that you said

22:46

you're always hearing at a low volume. The

22:49

book had been shouting and screaming, and

22:52

it calms down quieter,

22:55

quieter and quieter, and it joins

22:57

the ebb and flow of those voices that you're always hearing.

22:59

That's right.

23:00

Freddie never throw book. Freddie

23:02

love book. Oh, books. It

23:05

opened to a page on the void, but all

23:08

the information was gone. Typical. This

23:10

guy sucks. Do

23:13

you think there's no entry on the void, Bella? Well,

23:15

I suppose the entry was a void, stir fry.

23:17

Or the void took the entry

23:19

away because it doesn't

23:22

wanna be known. Mm.

23:24

Frederick looks at his

23:27

hand, coated in pig

23:29

shit and surrounded by bobbing pickled

23:32

eggs in a jar. I

23:34

do fear this

23:35

will not be a lasting solution for

23:37

this thing. Okay,

23:39

but in the meantime, other

23:42

than knowing that mother should be exterminated

23:45

because otherwise the world might be

23:47

covered in parts. Yeah.

23:50

How did we get rid of it last time? Poopoo?

23:53

Yes, we used poo poo. Poopoo

23:56

cutting mother. Oh, poo poo.

23:58

Oh my God, the baby. We

24:00

forgot the baby! Oh no! No,

24:05

no, I just said... ...down

24:07

a few months ago. Oh no. Holy

24:10

shit! Oh my gosh!

24:15

That's worse than sending this school

24:17

to hell! No. No

24:18

it's not. He lived a full life

24:20

and then became a baby. But

24:23

it was still a baby. But

24:25

it was a baby. But then we got distracted by

24:27

Kevin! I

24:29

thought we all knew and thought this was funny. I

24:33

don't know. I might have remembered once or twice but

24:35

I don't remember remembering a lot. I

24:37

remember a lot and I thought we

24:39

thought it was funny. I would

24:41

never knowingly abandon a

24:43

child! Freddie!

24:47

You're alright, you're alright. You got me back there,

24:49

back there.

24:49

Exact personality. Okay

24:52

but that is true. That is what happened. We

24:54

did let Pupis go into

24:56

mother and she was so grossed out.

24:59

Because he is such a little beautiful weirdo

25:01

that she killed herself. And

25:04

you hear from behind you, Ho ho

25:06

ho ho! What's all this planning

25:09

I hear? Oh! And

25:12

as you turn around you see a large

25:15

human man with rosy

25:17

cheeks and a little sparkle

25:19

in his eyes. He has a long

25:22

white beard that smells of cinnamon

25:24

and gentle

25:25

pastries. He touches

25:27

the side of his nose and he says,

25:30

Do we have a group of travelers

25:32

and adventurers here? Were you listening to

25:34

our conversation? I wasn't trying

25:37

to. You were quite loud. I

25:39

would never eavesdrop. I

25:41

love manners. But I don't love

25:44

them as much as kindness. Oh.

25:47

Sometimes we have to be rude to do the

25:49

right thing. Hopefully not now though.

25:51

I haven't introduced myself.

25:55

My name is Bodega Dean Stanton.

25:58

Why

26:02

it's not stupid at all. It's

26:05

just the name my parents gave me. And

26:07

I chose to keep it. You seem so

26:09

friendly. I like to think of myself

26:12

as friendly. What brings you to the Teenage

26:14

Woods? Why I live here. I'm

26:16

one of the denizens of the Teenage Woods. Do

26:20

you fellows also call these woods

26:22

your home?

26:22

I do. That's incredible.

26:25

Isn't it so nice to be home? It is nice

26:28

to be home. Would you like to see

26:30

my home? Um, well,

26:32

we're on our way to the... Soaking

26:35

Valley. I understand. You're

26:38

welcome to go on your way. But if you'd like

26:40

to stop and rest up and heal, maybe

26:42

have a hot tea, maybe even a coffee, you're

26:46

more than welcome to it. Oh, coffee?

26:49

What's your home called? My

26:51

home called? Why, my home has

26:53

many names. None of them are the nest.

26:57

I don't know. It sounds good. Maybe we could

26:59

get a cup of coffee or a cup of coffee or a cup of

27:01

coffee. I was stabbed when we were flying.

27:04

Me too. Would love Band-Aid. I noticed

27:06

some of you were bleeding. If only we

27:08

encountered a Band-Aid salesman or not a Spike salesman. Oh,

27:10

did you see Spike salesmen? Yeah, good

27:12

guy. A good guy with a dangerous

27:15

job. Sales.

27:18

Sales can be tough. Um...

27:20

Buyers are cowards. Salesmen

27:23

are courageous. That's why they call

27:25

it buyer's remorse. Yes, they

27:28

regret the way they live. And I can't

27:30

say I blame them.

27:31

Bodega is your home nearby? Why,

27:34

of course it is. I don't like to

27:36

travel. Not like you brave adventurers. I

27:39

would love to do that, but I am looking at the

27:41

group with eyes wide and pleading. There's

27:43

no point in doing what we have to do

27:45

without rest. I tell

27:47

you what, I tell you what. I welcome you

27:49

into my cottage, but I will keep the front door

27:51

open. So if ever you don't like what's

27:54

going on, you're free to leave. Okay.

27:55

Okay. Okay.

27:58

I'd appreciate a good-bye, but if it doesn't come to you, I'll be right back.

27:59

I'll know I made a big mistake.

28:02

What is

28:02

not? Probably Mattie. Manage of a goodbye,

28:04

but yeah. Lead on. Well then I will.

28:07

And I'll walk this way. And as I do,

28:10

my belly will shake like a bowl full

28:12

of jelly.

28:13

Oh, you don't have to... What?

28:16

I like that about myself. Oh, good. Look

28:18

at it go, wee! You're pretty jolly. Yes,

28:20

I am. I'm a right jolly,

28:22

old elf. Oh, you're an elf? No, I'm a human.

28:25

Oh. Oh, I see why that would be confusing, though. We

28:28

live in a world with elves. Yeah. I've

28:30

just never met one. Really? No,

28:32

never met one. You're lucky. Well. Dreadful

28:35

people. Oh, I'm sure

28:37

they're fine. There's a powerful

28:40

elf family in this forest, the Linsinghams. Oh,

28:42

the Linsingham. Yeah. I've

28:44

heard of

28:44

them. I didn't know they were elves. Ha ha ha.

28:47

I mean, ho ho ho. Sorry

28:51

for laughing wrong.

28:51

That's okay. I'm glad to

28:54

hear it. Yeah, I bet you're one of those people

28:56

who really believes there's no word. I really believe there's

28:58

no wrong way to laugh. Well, yes.

29:02

Is this your home? Yes, it is. The cottage

29:04

we're looking at now. Thank you. We

29:07

might have stood outside of it all day. Won't you walk

29:09

right in to my beautiful home?

29:11

And this is the kitchen? Yeah, well, already,

29:13

I was going to describe the outside of my home. And this is

29:15

your bedroom? Yes. Well,

29:18

you know, you're welcome to look around in there, but I wasn't

29:20

going to show you. And this is your toilet? This is

29:22

my toilet. It's yours to use. I know

29:24

how adventurers hate going in the woods.

29:26

I don't. I worship Natura.

29:29

Oh, well, then you're welcome to use my

29:31

backyard, front yard, or either of my side

29:33

yards. Okay, be right back. Goodbye. The

29:36

rest of you, though, there is another bathroom

29:39

upstairs if you like it. Great. Yeah,

29:42

I'm a Polaris guy. Sure, inside,

29:44

I get it.

29:45

I get it. I get it all too well.

29:48

Cordelia has a mug that has a cookie,

29:51

a picture of a cookie on it that has a big

29:53

bite taken out of it. That's one of my favorite

29:56

mugs. You'll find that the coffees and teas

29:58

you drink out of that mug will make

29:59

you a little bit more healthy. Doctors

30:02

love it.

30:03

They hate doing their job. Oh. She's

30:09

holding the mug sort of in both hands, cozily,

30:12

and she

30:13

thinks to herself, ah,

30:16

the headache is already gone and I haven't

30:18

even taken a sip. Yes, that's the mug's

30:20

properties. I was thinking that. Luckily,

30:23

all of the mugs here have properties like that. Would

30:25

you like one? And, Sirfry, he hands you

30:27

a mug with a little reindeer on it.

30:29

Oh, thank you very much. And this coffee again?

30:32

It can be coffee, it can be tea, it can

30:35

be anything you want except poison, which

30:37

I do not stock in my home. That's fine with me. Makes

30:39

sense, right? I would die. I will take some

30:41

coffee. In fact, you're lucky I'm talking to you before

30:44

I had my coffee. I'm sorry for talking

30:46

to you before you've had your coffee. I'm joking,

30:48

I'm enjoying talking to you, but sometimes

30:50

when I get around coffee. Hey, look, I'm a fan of what they write

30:52

on shirts. I understand what you're doing. Oh, hey,

30:55

yeah, yeah. They've got some funny

30:57

shirts out there. Oh, they really

30:59

do. Yes,

30:59

it's like a loading bar that we have in this world

31:04

and it's like sarcasm loading. Have you seen

31:07

the shirt that says, just

31:09

it just says, Some shirts do. It just says stop

31:12

reading my shirt. Oh, but it's too

31:14

late. Yeah, I probably died. By the time I've comprehended

31:16

the shirt, I've made a mistake. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

31:18

I love that. Bodega, do you have a spouse

31:21

or a family? No, unfortunately I

31:23

don't. I'm a bachelor.

31:25

You speak with the most mournful tone. Are you too

31:27

long for companionship? Of course I do. It's

31:30

why I invited adventurers and travelers into

31:32

my home. You want to marry one of us. Well,

31:35

and his face gets even brighter and

31:37

redder, like a single cherry in

31:40

a bowl. A

31:43

single cherry in a bowl, constantly growing redder

31:45

and redder. Getting redder and redder. You know how when there's

31:47

one cherry in a bowl, it gets dangerous and

31:49

gets too red. You can't even look at it. An

31:51

infrared cherry. Oh,

31:55

well, I didn't

31:56

wanna. I wanna be presumptuous. But if one of you wanted

31:58

to marry me, I... would be charmed by

32:01

that I did once have a wife but she

32:03

was so tall how tall

32:05

was she too tall they

32:08

say her head touched the Sun oh

32:12

no they just tried to make it fun for me because I was

32:14

so sad when she died of being too tall

32:17

she died of being too tall yeah she was

32:19

much taller than you don't worry hey what proper

32:22

many thought she was a tree what

32:25

properties does this mug have hold on was

32:27

she a tree she was a tree yeah but

32:29

she was

32:29

also alive in the animal way oh neat

32:35

the mug you're holding there the one with the little

32:37

snowman on it yeah well hey why

32:40

don't you take a sip and find out okay I'll

32:42

enjoy some plain D Bella

32:44

takes a sip roll 1d8

32:47

for me of course Bella you are a wild

32:49

man Branson that's a 4 yeah you

32:51

gain 4 hit points Oh

32:54

stir fry then takes a sip of his coffee why

32:56

is that a sip of coffee you're taking there you don't

32:58

like it is pal won't you roll a d8 for

33:00

me gladly to

33:03

you regain two hit points he says sorry

33:05

that your sip wasn't as good as your friends it's

33:07

alright crudily takes a sip of her coffee

33:10

whoa girola d8 for me six

33:13

you regain six hit points and

33:15

Freddie looks at his gaping

33:18

sword wound

33:19

and then to the cup and then his friends it

33:21

goes

33:23

oh and he takes a sip roll a

33:26

d8 for me seven you

33:28

regain seven hit points why look at that

33:30

your cut is healing up beautifully brand

33:32

new man incredible mugs

33:35

I mean if I mean if I were

33:37

you I'd give these gifts to everyone around

33:39

I mean I guess only the good people and of course I

33:41

will they're yours to have Albie

33:44

comes back in I'm so

33:46

sorry I couldn't make up my mind you have such beautiful

33:49

yards I know four yards to choose

33:51

from which one would you poop in

33:53

or none of my business okay

33:56

I will find out later I

33:57

So

34:00

that answers, so now we know it was

34:02

pee. Okay. I won't find

34:04

out. That'll

34:06

be flushing really hard. I'm sorry, I've

34:08

made a mistake. The front door's open if you'd like to leave.

34:11

No, I'm okay. I was just wondering if

34:13

you had any herbal teas.

34:15

Of course I have herbal teas. Do not give that

34:17

body caffeine. Excuse me?

34:19

Oh, we have caffeine free herbal teas. Okay,

34:22

great. I myself love bedtimes. I

34:24

have a sleepy time. I have a feeling that

34:26

a sleepy time tea for this person would

34:28

just sort of cancel out a lot of what's going on.

34:31

I would love to try it. I

34:34

never have. Here, here's a mug with

34:36

a little bear falling asleep in a big

34:38

chair. Oh. That'll be.

34:41

Yeah. Do you consider yourself an anxious

34:43

person? Freddie. What?

34:46

To Bonesby. What? Do

34:48

you guys think I'm anxious? I

34:50

just thought she's determined. Yeah.

34:53

I mean, look, I don't want to

34:55

speak out of turn here. You

34:57

know what I've always thought? Anxiety

35:00

is the body getting excited and the brain saying,

35:02

I don't like that. If only we could remind

35:04

the brain, it's not so bad to be excited.

35:07

Hmm.

35:07

Yeah. And

35:09

I've heard that depression is anger

35:11

turned inwards. Okay,

35:13

I'm going to try some tea now. Take a big

35:15

sip, roll a big D8. Take

35:18

a big sip, roll a big D8. I said I think I,

35:20

depression. Sure, sure, that's enough. And

35:22

artfully, we all looked away. Four.

35:25

That's four hit points. All yours. You're

35:30

welcome to stay here and sleep

35:32

on my incredibly comfortable couch.

35:35

I

35:37

know it didn't go well last time, but... I'll

35:39

stay up. You all get

35:41

some rest. Yeah? That's

35:43

the way we do things here. We shouldn't all sleep at the same time. He's

35:46

very nice, but come on, we all know it's up. Everyone

35:48

gets him sleep. I'll stay up and we'll do shifts. Well, first, we should,

35:50

you know, before we go to bed, we should probably have

35:52

dinner, right? Should we go out and scavenge

35:56

for some... Why, you don't have to scavenge for anything.

35:58

Huh? I could feed you gingerbread. I

36:00

could feed you cookies. I

36:03

could feed you Christmas goose. I

36:09

mean that sounds good as an entree. Freddie starts

36:12

pounding the table going, Christmas

36:14

ghost! Christmas

36:17

ghost! Freddie, Freddie, Freddie,

36:19

we're guests. And I'm a host,

36:21

which means I must serve you your food. God

36:24

damn right. He opens a door

36:26

and looks in the door, and in

36:28

the door it looks nothing like anything else in the house.

36:31

You can see very, and he looks, and he goes, Oh

36:33

dear, and he closes the door. On the other side of the door you see newspaper

36:35

clippings. There's red yarn connecting

36:37

all of the newspaper clippings. There's no time to get a good

36:39

look though because he closes the door and says, Oh, I'm so sorry.

36:43

What I meant to do was

36:45

go into this room here, the room

36:47

where I keep the food. He opens another

36:50

door, it's full of delicious food. Branson,

36:52

could we get a good look at any of those newspaper clippings?

36:55

Could you make a perception roll with disadvantage for

36:57

me? It was very quick.

36:59

Ten. Ten? You're

37:01

able to look in there. They're pretty far away. It's

37:03

tough to like read newspaper text

37:06

from far away. It's on the far wall in another room.

37:10

The room is not especially well lit. It's

37:12

unlike any of the other rooms in the house. All

37:15

you got was the vibe of the room that I described.

37:18

And here it is, your food. A

37:20

Christmas goose for all. That was fast. Don't

37:24

worry. I also have gingerbread and

37:26

cookies. Bodega,

37:28

sorry. Bodega Dean Stanton is my

37:30

name. Quick question, what was that one room? Well,

37:33

that's a very personal question. I'm

37:37

sorry. I hope

37:39

it's okay if I draw a boundary. I think I'm

37:41

entitled.

37:42

All right. Good

37:44

man.

37:46

I would love gingerbread cookies, thank you. Fantastic. I'll

37:50

just put them all out on the table and you can take what you want. Are

37:52

you going to have any? No, no, I won't be eating any

37:54

of this. Freddie.

37:56

But to demonstrate that it's safe,

37:59

I will have a little.

37:59

bit of that goose. Cheddar! At

38:02

that time freezes and this man's eyes are changed

38:05

and Cheddar looks back at you and he's got a piece of Christmas

38:07

goose in his mouth. You're welcome. Oh that's

38:08

good. Yeah? Yeah that's a goose.

38:11

Okay enjoy it. She runs over

38:14

to the room

38:19

that had the red yarn.

38:21

Where the fuck am I right now?

38:23

What's going on? I don't know. I love a little cottage.

38:26

This is something weird.

38:28

And as you do that can you make an investigation

38:30

roll for me? Love to? Nine.

38:34

Nine? So you go over to

38:36

open the door and the door is locked. Yeah okay

38:39

she just she shakes it. You shake and you

38:41

shake it's still locked. Shaking it did not

38:43

unlock the door. Okay she does a quick like scan

38:45

with her hand across the top of the molding. Oh. There's

38:48

a key up there? Make another investigation roll. Okay.

38:51

Uh, fifteen. Fifteen!

38:53

You find a little key. Okay she

38:56

takes it and quickly shoves it into the lock.

38:58

Okay keys go right into locks. You don't have to roll for

39:00

that. It clicks and the door

39:02

opens. Okay she scans. She scans

39:04

the press clippings. Yes um uh-oh

39:08

Cordelia. There's paper from the

39:10

soaking valley. Yeah.

39:12

All about a breakout in jail. Seems

39:15

to be about you guys. Oh there's

39:17

oh no there's headlines from rules

39:19

haven remember how there was just enough time

39:22

after after Bello changed all the rules like

39:24

what one issue of the press you know

39:26

the paper went to the evening edition the evening edition

39:29

evening edition news is up about

39:32

a new tiefling who's changing all the rules

39:34

there oh my god every single newspaper

39:36

clipping in here is about you guys to one degree

39:39

or your wanted posters are up there's red

39:41

yarn connecting all of these things there's

39:42

a map of the Cordelia

39:46

all of the places that you guys have been

39:48

to the red thread is connecting

39:50

all of it okay

39:50

she closes the door again locks

39:53

it puts the key up fantastic runs back to

39:55

the table and in front of everyone she moves one

39:58

or two things mm-hmm and then she

39:59

back down in her spot and treaders oh

40:02

that sounds lovely okay you can go whenever

40:07

oh fine

40:15

you never do it it's fine to

40:17

do it's just um

40:20

really really nice as you yeah

40:24

oh boy okay hold

40:26

on I got a bone or he got a bone

40:28

I finally right now there

40:32

we go okay I'll see you

40:34

around time returns she

40:36

looks she her eyes are darting around at

40:38

her albie goes

40:41

to pick up her tea where she thought she left

40:43

it and instead puts her entire hand in her tea

40:45

mug

40:47

oh be careful you

40:50

can be so feeling but it can be so hot on

40:52

her hand she

40:54

her eyes dart over to Cordelia Cordelia

40:57

nods I'll be a little goose might help

41:01

oh right sorry no you don't I'll just

41:04

have this you don't need you don't need goose I know I

41:07

remember I

41:07

am are there little bones

41:10

on the plate by any chance yeah

41:13

yeah tons of little bones Bella's already been going

41:15

at this he's been eating like a goose foot

41:17

so there are tons of bones that's true

41:20

yeah it's a demon yeah

41:22

web the foot that's true

41:25

Bella I don't eat goose but because of that

41:27

I've always been curious and do

41:29

you mind if I just like take your plate and like give

41:31

it a nice whiff

41:32

of course Albie you can smell anything

41:35

of mine oh god weird nice

41:38

Albie takes the plate and then she

41:41

arranges three bones to make a little

41:43

arrow and

41:45

the arrow is kind of pointing

41:47

at bodega and she's like holding

41:49

the plate in a way that it's tilted for

41:52

only bellow to see

41:53

oh good whiff thanks hey Albie

41:55

do you still have to really go to the bathroom maybe yeah

41:58

didn't all go out the first time Bodega

42:00

looks around, she's, something's different here.

42:03

Yeah. It's a good goose. Well, I

42:05

notice I've eaten a lot of that goose that I didn't

42:07

remember taking a bite of. Weird. It's

42:10

very weird, very suspicious. It must

42:12

be fall off the bone tender. He

42:14

walks behind him to the front door

42:16

of the house and he closes it behind him.

42:19

Whoa. Shit. Oh yeah, that's

42:21

not what you said. You promised. No, that's not what

42:23

I said. Press clippings over us. Oh.

42:27

Well, I suppose the cat's out of the bag. And

42:30

he moves his hand across his face,

42:33

changing it and rearranging it.

42:35

The man you see before you, his entire

42:38

body changes as his clothes

42:40

fall down, revealing a significantly

42:43

thinner man. And he's,

42:45

oh my God, he's not a human at all. He's

42:47

an elf, but not just any elf. He's

42:50

a dark elf.

42:52

He looks at you and says, well, that's

42:54

right, a manema Carlito

42:56

master bandage. No! Nobody

43:01

run away from Carlito master bandage and lift him down

43:03

the tail. You think you could run away from me, but

43:05

I'm the master of disguise. I fool you. I

43:07

fool all of you. Oh, I'm so

43:08

good at disguising myself, making myself

43:10

look like somebody else. I'm making myself look like this,

43:13

this whatever, negative, statin character. Oh,

43:15

you idiots. Oh, you're so stupid. Belo

43:17

reaches behind his back for the blade of eternal slumbers.

43:20

He realizes it's not there anymore. Curses. Mr.

43:22

Fry uses assassinate. Do it, man. Make

43:24

an attack roll.

43:27

It's a Krigle film.

43:29

So you go to assassinate, describe exactly what you do. It's

43:31

not gonna work, sir Fry. Sir Fry whips out his butcher

43:34

knife and leaps towards Carlito.

43:36

Mid-air, he pulls back his knife.

43:39

And as he, as he crests the top

43:41

of his jump, he thrusts his knife forward, straight

43:43

towards Carlito. And Carlito puts his

43:45

hands together and he claps them on either side of

43:47

the butcher's knife. And he pulls, pulling it away

43:50

from you. He takes the butcher's knife from you. He says,

43:52

oh, no, no, no, my friend, you fool

43:54

of me wants shame

43:55

on you. Fool of me twice,

43:57

and nothing gonna happen. I'm a too small.

44:00

I've been training. I know all of your little tricks.

44:02

I know all your little ways Nobody

44:05

run away from Carlito masturbated

44:07

All I do all I do I try to have

44:09

you help me I just need a little help with my biggest

44:11

spiders and you run away you railroad

44:13

me into being a man who is not

44:16

helped you Run

44:19

away from me, but I see you coming this time and he brandishes

44:21

the butcher's knife stir-fry and he's gonna make an attack Roll

44:23

on you. No Not 20

44:29

He doesn't know give you this stir-fry He doesn't

44:31

know about the rule with the butcher's knife that

44:34

if you intend to eat the person that it does

44:36

extra damage So instead he just makes a he swipes

44:38

you with the butcher's knife. What is the I need the stats

44:41

1d4

44:42

plus 5 that's 18 damage Okay,

44:46

he he takes the butcher's life and he slashes

44:48

it you stir-fry I

44:50

Die die you all

44:52

are gonna die you see Carlito masturbated

44:55

some sort of joke, but I'm a new joke

44:58

Strong and powerful man. I'm a

45:00

master of disguise

45:00

and I'm a master of carnage. What did

45:03

you do with bodega? Oh? You

45:06

saw you so stupid He never

45:08

lives. There's no such guy. I built this

45:10

whole cottage to fool you Painstakingly

45:13

I build a cottage in the woods I knew this

45:16

world wouldn't allow so kind of man to exist and

45:18

bellow draws his scimitar Yeah, right

45:20

to draw your scimitar. I got a butcher's knife Bellow

45:24

is going to leap over the table

45:26

and and swing at Carlito make an

45:28

attack role

45:29

Yeah, that's a 19. Bellows just gonna

45:32

try and slash across his chest Go

45:35

for it works and what the roll for

45:37

damage for You

45:39

slash across his chest for four damage you cut

45:41

open to his Loose billowy

45:44

shirt revealing his chest. He's

45:46

in pretty good shape. Oh Yeah,

45:49

that's right. I've been training up for all you guys

45:52

and now it's time for all of you to die

46:01

Welcome back, I think this is a good time for everyone

46:03

to roll for initiative. A 17.

46:11

Oh no. But no. All

46:13

right, Sir Fry, that's gonna be your turn. You go

46:15

first. What are you gonna do? You just got cut.

46:18

You just got fucked up bad, baby. That butcher's knife.

46:20

That butcher's knife you've been using, it cut you. Sir

46:22

Fry scurries to the corner. He's wounded not

46:24

only from this fight, but still recovering from the 13 damage

46:27

he took from those gliding

46:29

strange men. He backs into

46:31

a corner, taking out his crossbow as far away

46:33

as he can, and fires. Make an attack

46:35

roll. Uh, that is 13. 13, it's gonna miss.

46:39

It goes right by Carlito Masterbedded,

46:41

and it hits. Oh no, there's a painting

46:43

of a snowy cottage. You hit the painting,

46:46

shattering the painting. It wasn't framed, it wasn't

46:48

glass, it was just a paper, and you shatter

46:50

the paper. Sir Fry

46:52

uses this cunning action to hide behind the island,

46:55

which is what I assume we were eating all around. Uh,

46:57

yeah, yeah. Then you hide behind the island in the,

46:59

uh, look, nicer cottage than I thought it was. Uh,

47:02

there's a little island and you hide behind it. Carlito

47:04

looks around and goes, ah, Dret, ah, he gone.

47:06

And he's gonna toss the butcher's knife

47:08

back and forth from hand to hand, looking around, and

47:10

he's gonna look, and he's gonna see Cordelia, the biggest target

47:12

in there, and say, a

47:13

time for you to die. He's gonna

47:15

make an attack roll on Cordelia. Cordelia, what's

47:17

your AC? Ooh, he gets

47:19

a 19. Shit. 9 damage. Shit.

47:22

Carlito Masterbedded jumps at you and he slashes

47:25

you, Cordelia, and he

47:25

says, a die, a die, that's

47:27

for running away from me. Yeah.

47:30

Ouch. It's Albie's turn. Albie, what are

47:32

you gonna do? She's going to do a quick series

47:35

of attacks. She's going to kick one leg,

47:37

kick with the other, punch with her

47:39

good hand, and with the skeletal hand, rake

47:42

it across his face.

47:43

Oh, Jesus Christ. Ow, rr. Uh,

47:45

it's, uh, roll for damage. Okay. These

47:48

hit. Seven. Ow, what's the matter,

47:50

you? Uh, Cordelia, it's your

47:52

turn. Is Belo hurt? No.

47:56

Cordelia looks at Belo. Cheddar.

47:58

And time freezes and cheddar.

47:59

looks at you. Whoa, whoa,

48:02

whoa, what's going on? What's happening? That's

48:04

not food. She grabs stir fry's knife out of Carlito's

48:06

hand and she runs to

48:08

the table. Oh my god, I thought we were both, I thought

48:10

we were gonna clean it, I thought we were good, I thought we were

48:12

good. She grabs the goose leg and runs to

48:15

Bello and hands it to him. What the fuck is

48:17

up with, what is going on here? I just want you

48:19

to know that I care about you a lot. Oh wow.

48:22

And then she takes the butcher's knife

48:25

and she attacks Carlito. Oh, oh, I thought

48:27

you were coming for me with the thing. Okay, yeah,

48:29

great, I'm gonna, should I eat

48:31

this? Hell yeah, man, just eat it, I'm

48:33

busy. Yeah,

48:35

chop chop, motherfucker, good luck. It

48:37

seems like you got this. She attacked

48:39

Carlito. Yeah, make an attack roll on Carlito Master

48:41

Bandit. He's frozen, can you just like...

48:44

Good question. I mean, make an attack

48:46

roll on Carlito Master Bandit. Oh my god. Twelve.

48:49

Twelve, that's gonna miss. He's

48:52

not moving at all. He is completely still and you miss him. Cheddar

48:56

looks at you and goes, no,

48:57

Carlito fucking sucks. Wait, this is possible,

49:00

but I missed. Well, I mean, you did

49:02

it, you fucking tell me. I don't know. Oh,

49:05

I mean, okay, you got a few seconds,

49:07

you know, you got a minute here while I'm in your friend. Could I try again? There's

49:10

nothing to stop you. Okay,

49:12

she does. Yeah, make another

49:14

attack roll. Okay, now we're talking fucking an

49:17

abomination 20. An abominable 20. Yes.

49:20

You hit him for double damage. Fuck yes,

49:22

okay. Four. One d4

49:24

plus five and then double that damage. Okay, so two

49:26

plus five. Seven, as we all

49:28

know, and seven times two is 14. 14, baby.

49:31

So you do 14 damage to Carlito Master Bandit.

49:34

Cheddar goes, alright, that is incredible. Bad

49:37

ass, thank you. Absolutely. Was

49:40

it good? The leg? Would you like

49:42

a cookie? That's true, I'm here, yeah. She

49:45

runs and gets a little cookie. Oh, this is great.

49:47

Okay. We never do this. I

49:49

know. That's for nice. Can I take

49:51

another swing? Why are you asking me? Yeah, you're

49:53

welcome. I mean, you're making

49:55

your friends sick again, but whatever. 18, that's

49:58

gonna hit. Okay. for damage three

50:02

five eight damage

50:04

well okay yeah see this not moving target

50:06

you're destroying them I'm gonna be front

50:08

of headache oh okay well last time

50:10

Bella passed out I'm gonna

50:13

do one more I'm

50:13

sure why you're here why not right

50:16

she wefts it it's a three she oh wow

50:19

a not moving target bye bye

50:21

bye these oops he zips out you

50:23

cut back and

50:25

a

50:34

squat on the table sticks out his goblin

50:37

tongue whispers a magic word and then bites

50:39

down on it hard sprays

50:41

the blood into Carlito's face blinding

50:44

him with the improvised color spray

50:46

oh no I've been a blinded I

50:48

can't see nothing I can't see any of my

50:50

enemies oh this little house that I built I did

50:52

build the house I made the house that's part

50:55

of how I got so ripped in this town oh I can't

50:57

see I'm covered in cuts oh no

50:59

I hope not obviously it's below third how is

51:04

Carlito looking a very bad he's covered

51:06

in cuts he's got blood in his eyes he can't see

51:09

anything he's just waving what

51:11

used to be the hand with stir-fry knife in it

51:14

he's clutching down at nothing he is now unarmed

51:16

how how fucked up am I from cheddar it

51:19

hurts I mean I actually I need you to make a thank

51:21

you for reminding me I need you to make a Constitution roll for

51:23

me

51:24

that's a five you're gonna take four

51:26

damage oh it's

51:29

like I never took that sip of plain tea yeah

51:32

the tea is gone the healing properties of the tea are completely

51:34

gone bellows gonna try and shake it off

51:37

and recognizing that Carlito is like on

51:39

his last legs he

51:41

shouldn't have taken us all on at once uh bellows

51:43

gonna cast entangle all right you cast

51:45

entangle vines creeping vines move

51:48

up from the floor the floor

51:50

of the forest they break through the floor boards

51:53

oh no oh no they're they're grabbing him

51:55

they're entangling Carlito master bandit he's been

51:57

restrained you've got foundation problems

51:59

well now

51:59

Oh, I do what you do! What the fuck happened in here?

52:02

I can't see nothing! Oh no! Oh

52:04

no! Isn't this the end of Carlito, master

52:06

man? It's a stir fry's turn!

52:07

That's not looking good for me! Stir

52:10

fry... No, just... Stir, stir,

52:13

it's okay. He's restrained. Thank

52:15

God. And he's blinded. Good. And

52:18

he's bleeding out. Stir

52:21

fry walks. Weary

52:23

step after weary step, dragging

52:25

the crossbow behind him as close as he

52:27

can to Carlito. And pulls

52:30

that crossbow and puts it right into his

52:32

gut. He looks straight into his eye and

52:34

fires. Make an attack roll with advantage.

52:37

It's

52:37

a 19. 19, that's gonna hit! Roll for damage. Oh

52:41

no! Oh no! I

52:44

feel a sharp pain in my gut and suddenly I'm so

52:46

hungry. Why am I so hungry? Oh

52:49

no! Oh no! He pats

52:51

around on his gut. My stomach!

52:54

My stomach be shot out of my body! I'm using

52:57

context clues! It must be pinned to

52:59

the wall behind me! Oh,

53:00

my precious stomach! Oh no!

53:03

I use it as well! The sky is inside

53:05

of me! Stir fry does not disengage. However,

53:07

he falls towards the nearest wall and tries

53:09

to land it, trying to support himself.

53:11

Uh, Carlito is gonna reach out. He can't see

53:13

anything. He's gonna reach out to try to grab

53:15

whoever it was that just shot him point blank in the

53:17

gut. He's going to make a perception

53:20

roll with disadvantage. He's gonna

53:22

have to take that crit fail. He reaches out,

53:24

he reaches out, he reaches out, and he puts his hand into

53:26

the hot burning teeth. Oh no! Oh my,

53:28

my beautiful hand! Oh no! It's

53:32

a, it's a burning, it's a burning in the hot tea!

53:34

Oh, now to put my other hand

53:36

out, and maybe I'll be able to grab

53:38

whoever it was that shot in that cross ball all the

53:40

way and then my stomach get pinned into the wall. Now

53:43

to put my other, oh, it's more, oh, the

53:45

hot coffee! Oh, the tea in the coffee! I

53:48

can just tell from the temperatures that there's separate things

53:50

that have burned in my hands! Oh no! Oh no!

53:53

It's Albus' turn! Okay, um...

53:56

I think we got him! Thank you!

54:00

I was gonna withdraw her rapier and

54:02

stab in the same wound that Surfride

54:04

just created. Yeah, make an attack

54:06

roll. That

54:09

hits. Eight, eight damage.

54:11

Eight damage? So you stick your rapier into

54:13

the hole, there's no stomach to stop

54:16

you. It goes out through the other end. But

54:18

because you do eight damage, you sort of wiggle

54:20

it around in there.

54:21

Oh no, oh no, my

54:23

very insides, oh no, my small

54:25

intestine, my large intestine, which

54:27

I prefer to the small intestine, oh

54:30

no, my appendix, which I never got taken

54:32

out,

54:32

oh the irony, oh

54:34

the irony, oh it's a Cordelia's

54:36

turn. Cordelia steps

54:38

up to Carlito and she thrusts

54:41

Surfride's knife right in his

54:43

face. What are the secrets of

54:45

disguise? Oh

54:48

no, oh no, no, no, no. I

54:50

never reveal the secrets of disguise no

54:52

matter what you do to me. And because I cannot

54:55

see, I have no idea how in which

54:57

way you have threatened me. I would take these secrets

54:59

to my grave, far away that that might

55:01

be. She

55:02

pokes the knife a little into his neck. Oh

55:04

now I can tell that you have a knife poked into my

55:06

neck. That's right. You have to kill me.

55:08

I take these secrets to my grave. Nobody

55:11

know how I disguise myself and that

55:13

is my final fuck you. What if

55:15

we don't kill you? What if we just leave you here

55:17

alive, tied up? You're not gonna do that. You're

55:19

gonna kill me. Hours and days of agony. You're gonna, well

55:21

then I'll, oh please, I'll find a way in here. I'll

55:23

wander around and I get myself killed. I'll

55:26

kill myself. I'll go out on my own terms.

55:29

Call it a masturbate. It'll win again. That'll

55:31

be me.

55:32

No, I never tell you. You'll have to torture

55:34

me to get it out of me. And even then you won't get it

55:36

out of me. You'll simply have tortured a man.

55:39

She applies weight. Ow,

55:41

I hurt on the neck. I hurt on the neck. Oh no, please,

55:44

please, please, please. It's all in the voice. Enough

55:46

force to make an attack. Yeah, with

55:49

advantage. I got a 22. You

55:51

have 22? You got a knife to

55:53

his neck. And you just press it forward. You're

55:55

just slicing into his neck. I'm

56:00

gonna see my voice because I cut it through my vocal cords. I

56:02

got it. You gotta kill

56:04

me at this point.

56:06

At this point, it's gotta be a mercy

56:08

kill. What you are doing is a deeper

56:10

leaver thing. Well, I got six

56:13

points of

56:13

damage. Six points of damage? Cut

56:15

through. You sever his vocal cords. He's

56:18

gesticulating wildly. His

56:21

hands are moving at all. The saucy

56:24

way his hands are moving. I like Bodega

56:26

better anyways. It's

56:29

the bones be stern.

56:29

It seems like you all had this

56:32

well in hands. So I'm just going to

56:34

sip some of this healing tea because of

56:36

what I just did to my tongue. And Frederick

56:39

sips some tea. Alright, it is

56:41

Bellows turn. Bellow crosses to

56:43

stir fry and he leans down

56:46

and places his hands on stir fry's chest. He

56:48

says, get better. And

56:51

green healing wisps

56:54

encircle stir fry's head and

56:56

charge him with life giving force. Thank

57:01

you, Bellow. Thank you, Bellow. Thank

57:03

you, Bellow, my brother. I

57:05

want to. I want to. I want to.

57:08

I want to. Sir, it's your turn. Hey,

57:10

Cordelia, my knife. She throws it. He

57:13

catches it mid step as he goes forward again and

57:15

thrusts it into the side of his head. You throw

57:17

the knife into the side of Carlito, Master Bandits head, make

57:19

an attack roll with advantage. That

57:22

is 25. You

57:25

know that's going to hit. Now

57:28

roll for damage. That

57:31

is a six damage six damage into

57:33

the head stir fry.

57:35

Describe your kill stir

57:37

fry thrusts his knife into the master Bandits head.

57:40

He feels every millimeter

57:43

of that knife enter his brain and

57:45

he has as the handle reaches the skin,

57:48

he twists and twists and

57:50

twists 360 degrees

57:53

around and again and again and

57:55

again like a spit like a spinulator friend. He has who just healed

57:57

him. He spins again.

57:59

And again, and again, like he's revving

58:02

an engine. Again, and again, and again, and

58:04

again, until suddenly the heads are on the ground. Again,

58:06

and again, and again, and again, until he pulls it out,

58:09

licking the blade clean.

58:11

It is Carlito Master Bandit's turn, which

58:14

he does not use because he is dead. You have beheaded

58:16

him, and you just, you hollowed

58:18

out the inside of his head. That is a dead man.

58:21

Congratulations, you have killed

58:23

the greatest foe yet, Carlito Master Bandit.

58:27

Yay! Mr. Fry falls to his knees, kneeling

58:29

over Carlito. I'm

58:32

so fucking tired of everyone

58:35

fucking with us. When

58:37

we go to hell, we'll kill everyone

58:39

who ever followed us, who ever gave us the

58:41

fucking time, who ever tried to give us the time of day.

58:44

We'll kill everyone, and we, we

58:46

friends, will never have a problem again. I am tired

58:48

of this. We'll kill mother. We'll kill the dean.

58:51

We'll kill whoever fucking talked to us

58:53

on that weird screen. I am tired

58:56

of being fucked with all the goddamn

58:58

time. Cordelia is like

59:01

right next to stir fry, and she gets

59:03

so excited. She goes,

59:05

stir fry, do you want to kill him again? Yes,

59:08

yes, baby. She puts two coins

59:10

on his eyes, so they meet him in hell. Great, yeah, you put

59:12

the coins on Carlito Master Bandit's eyes. His

59:14

soul had been floating up. He had

59:17

a little harp. He was going up to heaven.

59:20

He was going up, he was making it. You put those coins on his

59:22

eyes, and his soul is sucked back down to hell.

59:24

And then she kneels next to stir fry

59:26

and gives him a mug of coffee. You earned it.

59:31

Don't talk to him. I have my coffee. Albie's

59:38

looking around the house, and

59:41

she sees paintings of like

59:43

snowmen and decorated

59:46

evergreen trees. It's a winter wonderland.

59:48

And she's like, did he paint

59:51

all of these? Yeah, he's got a deft

59:53

hand. Yeah, make a perception roll. Oh,

59:56

no. You see a

59:58

little Carlito Master Bandit's signature. in the

1:00:00

bottom right corner of every painting. Oh

1:00:02

no, Albie! He wasn't just a creature

1:00:05

of hatred and disguise. He was also a

1:00:07

painter, one of God's noblest people.

1:00:10

Oh man. Albie's

1:00:14

trying to collect her breath, and then she thinks about,

1:00:17

last time we met, Carlito,

1:00:19

he had a bunch of spiders. Do

1:00:21

you think he still has a bunch of spiders? That

1:00:24

we could feed to Mother or something? Or would

1:00:26

that be a, what do you think he could- Terrible idea. But

1:00:28

what if she was grossed out by spiders? I

1:00:31

think she, remember she wanted a lot of similar

1:00:33

genetic material? I think if we give her a lot of spiders,

1:00:35

we're gonna create a lot of problems for ourselves.

1:00:37

Okay. But just at that,

1:00:39

you hear a scuttling behind

1:00:42

one of the closed doors. It sounds like many, many

1:00:44

legs. In fact, eight legs, many

1:00:46

times over. And big, big,

1:00:49

big, big! Oh no, what's behind that door? What's gonna happen?

1:00:51

What's gonna happen?

1:00:52

What's gonna happen? No! Albie's

1:00:55

gonna rush towards the door and try to force

1:00:58

it closed.

1:00:58

Yeah, you hear on the other side. Pffft! She

1:01:02

turns to her friends. What do we do?

1:01:04

What do we do? Open the door, Albie. You

1:01:06

wanna talk to the spider? Yes.

1:01:10

Okay. She's gonna open

1:01:12

the door. Okay, the spider,

1:01:15

yeah, there's an enormous tarantula. There's

1:01:17

a dire tarantula on the other end, which

1:01:20

it just, Pffft! Pffft! And

1:01:23

it begins crawling forward towards you. It is

1:01:25

in attack mode. Oh, fuck. What

1:01:28

did you think would happen when you did that?

1:01:30

I thought we would ride them.

1:01:32

Hahaha! That'd

1:01:35

be badass. Yeah, that would be pretty cool. Bellow

1:01:37

speaks in Spider. He says, your cruel master

1:01:39

is dead. You're free. The spider's

1:01:41

dead. Oh, what do you mean? What do

1:01:44

you mean my cruel master is dead? He wished to cook

1:01:46

you and eat you. He did not wish to cook us

1:01:48

and eat. He was a good man, a fair man. Bellow

1:01:50

holds up a book he pulls off a shelf.

1:01:53

And he says, see this book? It's called To

1:01:55

Cook Spider. Well, yeah, To Cook For

1:01:58

Spider. Yeah, To Cook- No, no.

1:01:59

You cook a spider to eat. It's

1:02:02

a cookbook. You know how he's fed you so well

1:02:04

all those years? Oh yeah, of course. He was

1:02:06

fattening you up. What do you mean? You mean when he

1:02:08

served me my fallen brothers? That that

1:02:10

was not so good? No. Oh

1:02:13

no. I comprehend,

1:02:15

of course. But we, we free you. You're

1:02:18

good to go. Well then I'll go.

1:02:21

I'll follow my dream and my passions of eating a

1:02:23

child. Goodbye, friends. Goodbye.

1:02:26

He crawls on the ceiling and he breaks

1:02:29

out of the window. Ah yeah. And now I'm

1:02:31

gonna eat a child. I'm gonna eat a little

1:02:33

kid. And I'm gonna tell everybody who sent

1:02:35

me. The child's blood is on

1:02:38

their hands and not mine. I'm a wild

1:02:40

animal after all and I cannot be blamed. Here's

1:02:42

a child right

1:02:42

here. Chomp, chomp, chomp. Too late. The

1:02:45

child is dead. I cannot be stopped. What

1:02:47

did he say? He thanked

1:02:49

me for freeing him. Um,

1:02:53

was that door the same door that had all the clippings?

1:02:56

No, it was a different door. Okay.

1:02:59

I think we should get rid of the clippings before we go. Just

1:03:02

to make sure that nobody else finds them, you know? Great.

1:03:05

Cordelia

1:03:05

takes the key off the molding. She opens the door again

1:03:08

and she casts burning hands. The room catches

1:03:09

immediately. Oh my god, there's

1:03:11

all this dry newspaper in there. It catches very,

1:03:14

very quickly. The whole room goes up. Whoopsies.

1:03:17

Flames along the ceiling. Let's get

1:03:18

out of here. Let's get out of here. Hap,

1:03:21

hap, hap, hap, hap. Yeah,

1:03:24

they run outside. You run outside

1:03:26

of the burning building into the Teenage Woods.

1:03:29

Bellow clanks, carrying mugs. Mm-hmm. Yes,

1:03:32

you have your little tease and into the Teenage

1:03:34

Woods you go.

1:03:36

And you run and you run forward, forward,

1:03:38

and forward until you crest a

1:03:40

hill. And as you crest

1:03:43

the hill, the camera. Remember the camera? Mm-hmm. How

1:03:46

could you forget? The fifth lady of Root Tales of Magic. The

1:03:49

camera tilts down to

1:03:51

reveal a beautiful and expensive

1:03:53

multi-plane shot of the entire soaking

1:03:56

valley stretched out in front of you. It's just

1:03:59

as you remember.

1:03:59

if you remembered it completely

1:04:02

incorrectly. An eerie blue

1:04:04

light shines out from the valley like

1:04:06

a cruel parody of dawn.

1:04:09

Enormous, glowing blue

1:04:11

vines stretch across the tops of

1:04:13

the buildings, pulsating with strange

1:04:15

magics. An immense, bioluminescent

1:04:18

circulatory system has overtaken

1:04:21

the entire town, like weeds

1:04:23

reclaiming an abandoned gas station.

1:04:26

A large wooden sign next to you

1:04:28

reads, The Soaking Valley.

1:04:30

The word valley has been crossed out,

1:04:33

and in glowing blue blood, the

1:04:35

word mother has been scrawled.

1:04:38

Welcome heroes to The Soaking

1:04:41

Mother! Ah! Hello,

1:04:47

me again. If that just

1:04:50

happened, ah ha ha ha! Okay,

1:04:54

cast list, cast list, where do we have?

1:04:56

Okay, here we go. That was Ali Fisher

1:04:59

as Cordelia, Carly

1:05:02

Menardo as Albie, Christopher

1:05:05

Hastings as Frederick de Bonsby,

1:05:08

Joe Lepore as Bello,

1:05:12

Tim Platt as Stir-Fry,

1:05:15

and Branson Reese as Everything

1:05:17

and Everyone Else, even

1:05:19

me! That's right, I know

1:05:22

I'm fake! Root Tales

1:05:24

of Magic is produced by Taylor

1:05:26

Moore at Fortunate Horse.