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miracle.com/route calles to treat yourself.

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I don't know how to

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last your front door behind

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me. So make sure you take care

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of that once you get up in the morning.

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He'd get this message. You never do.

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I do know might wonder he was

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discharged has it? this? Way.

2:41

Back to retailers Such

2:43

magic Korea Times. Insists

2:45

that before we begin we hear

2:47

it retails of magic. Would like

2:50

to send our love and support

2:52

to the family of Timothy Salah

2:54

made in case he passed away

2:56

recently. we recorded just would like

2:58

a separate weeks ago so we

3:00

have no way of knowing. He's

3:02

probably fine but you can never

3:05

be too careful and away we

3:07

go. Wow,

3:12

Thank you Grief Riechers! Episode

3:15

in We're Else Is Harboring

3:17

We're In Downtown is Harbor.

3:19

This is where all of

3:21

the iconic His Harbor skyscrapers

3:23

can be. Sounds: Look, here's

3:25

the big one, Look here's

3:27

the medium one. And look,

3:29

there's the statues and intricate

3:31

world building. It's late at

3:33

night, assigned to your men

3:35

are standing in a wet

3:37

alley, the neon light reflecting

3:39

up from the puddles. Beneath

3:41

them they seem to be

3:44

engaged in some sort of

3:46

oh my god a site

3:48

for could it be know

3:50

it's I. I can't quite

3:52

make it out. If only

3:54

our Tamra man would zoom

3:56

in. Thank you. okay

3:58

i can see that more clearly

4:00

and they're... oh my god.

4:03

They're not fighting at all. They're... they're

4:05

burping. This isn't a fight

4:08

club. It's a burp club?

4:11

Of course. These sheltered young men are

4:13

venting all of their rude energy out

4:15

of their damn throats. They

4:17

seem to be having a grand old time

4:19

until... oh no. They see

4:21

a figure step forward out of the shadows.

4:24

Jamie, what do they see? They

4:28

see a willowy elf

4:31

wearing a karate uniform and

4:34

a billowing skirt. She's

4:37

beautiful, but her eyes have

4:39

an indeterminate color as they're

4:41

covered by large, intimidating sunglasses.

4:45

Her name is Lacey Polite.

4:51

The kids look up and they... they... they... they... they

4:53

finish burping. We add in post. I don't want to

4:55

do that into a mic. And they look up and

4:57

they say, who

5:00

are you? Now boys,

5:03

that wasn't very kind, was

5:05

it? Well, we're just burping,

5:07

honest. We ain't hurting nobody. You

5:11

are. You're hurting the very

5:13

fabric of society when you make noises

5:15

like that with your filthy little mouths,

5:18

don't you? But

5:20

uh, it's just... it's just burping. It

5:22

ain't like we farting or nothing, honest.

5:25

No, if you were farting, you'd be

5:28

dead already. Dead?

5:30

Oh no! And they start

5:33

backing away and they go, please, please

5:35

don't... don't hurt us. Lacey

5:37

pulls a pair of nunchucks from

5:39

the inevitable pockets and her billowing

5:41

skirts. These pockets were

5:43

only a matter of time. She's

5:47

a... she's a girl boss. She insisted on

5:49

pockets and her billowing skirt. She

5:54

takes the nunchucks, which have chains

5:56

in between if I... if I'm

5:58

remembering movies correctly. And

6:00

classic nunchuck she catches one

6:02

of the boys by the ankle with it with it He

6:06

falls forward shattering all of the teeth in his mouth.

6:08

He looks up One

6:11

of the teeth that he was just burping it

6:13

with his nasty little mouth with is now chipped

6:17

Place he gets right in his face. This

6:19

is no young man Can

6:21

you tell me? Five

6:23

things you're not supposed to do

6:26

during a social interaction with another

6:28

youngster His there's

6:30

panic in his eyes. He looks

6:32

to his friend and his friend shrugs theatrically

6:34

as if to say I don't know He

6:37

guesses he says I gotta assume one

6:39

of them is burping None

6:43

of them Clearly

6:50

you've never read the polite

6:53

child's guide to life He

6:56

looks down sadly I never

6:58

did I never got around to it Lacey gets

7:00

really close to the little boy's face and

7:02

says you want to hear a real burp

7:07

His eyes go wide he doesn't know what to make of this

7:09

could this be a trick a

7:12

trick He can't resist himself. He loves burping

7:14

too much. He nods. I

7:16

would do anything Lacey

7:19

takes a little vial of Green

7:22

liquid from one of her billowing pockets and

7:25

takes a sip of it She burps

7:27

and some green vapor spouts from

7:29

her mouth into the boy's face The

7:33

boy's face just like melts away

7:35

and all that's left is a

7:37

skull with with chattering chipped teeth

7:40

As the last sound that escapes

7:42

out of his throat is cool

7:48

Lacey turns to the other boy now. Can you

7:50

answer? What are the four other

7:52

things you're not supposed to do in the

7:54

presence of a fellow youngster? I

7:56

yeah, I think that's it. Hi. Yes,

7:58

I know elbow The table. My

8:01

he decides to take this poor piece of shit out

8:03

of his misery. and the. Things

8:06

that. I

8:09

had nothing about in. Yeah.

8:11

You got him out instantly in his gross

8:13

goes flying hundred to see. It

8:16

explicit which would excite of a building

8:18

he said since I feel that both

8:20

of them. Know.

8:25

That wasn't very nice as new. All. The

8:34

cameras leaves this grizzlies through some

8:36

violent scenes and we cut now

8:38

to the Moonlight Value bounties. Headquarter

8:41

currently stationed in a garage on

8:43

the north end of town. That's

8:45

right in the world of core

8:48

delia. Garages were invented long before

8:50

cars, giving you all plenty of

8:53

space to stretch out. There's nothing

8:55

in here for you. Well, there's

8:57

you and large torches which line

9:00

the wall of the garage providing.

9:02

And accidentally romantic amount of

9:04

light. Maybelline Moonlight A

9:07

large half elf, half or

9:09

all woman steps out of

9:11

the shadows and speaks to

9:13

all of the assembled bounty

9:15

hunters. Her gars. We

9:17

got probably our most dangerous bounty

9:20

just tonight. See hits the head

9:22

of a visual can cool and

9:24

a wall is filled with images

9:26

of painting of a beautiful girl

9:28

boss else with starts sunglasses wearing

9:30

a karate roads. Her. name

9:33

is lucy polis she's a

9:35

rogue member of the political

9:37

extremist group known as the

9:39

edited police now whereas most

9:42

at a kid police are

9:44

satisfied simply making citizen arrests

9:46

on rude members of the

9:48

community macys ticketed a step

9:51

further see as a deadly

9:53

assassin to everybody out in

9:55

room immature sort of her

9:57

shoes considered extremely polite and

10:00

extremely dangerous. That's why we've set

10:02

her bounty at half a million

10:04

gold. I'm listening

10:07

now. Carly, who is it

10:09

that is listening now? Describe her for the

10:11

listeners. The

10:14

camera pans over to where

10:16

you'd think an average-type person's

10:18

head might be, and there's

10:20

nothing there. So the

10:22

camera goes, oh, weird, and tilts

10:24

down, and you see a dog

10:26

lovingly cradling the health of a

10:29

sword. In its paws,

10:31

nuzzling it, chewing on it. That's

10:34

not it either. The camera then pans

10:36

slightly to the left, and we see

10:38

it, Ejika, the edge

10:40

of madness. A twisted

10:42

sword with a hot pink eye

10:45

bulging out of its socket, right

10:48

on the blade. That's who's

10:50

talking. I gotta say, we got

10:53

the B-Team cameraman tonight. Dropping

10:55

balls left and right. You

10:58

got thin ice, fucker. To be fair, we didn't

11:00

breathe in. Maybelline Moonlight

11:02

has, in all of this, forgotten your question.

11:04

Como con? Oh, I

11:07

just said I'm listening. Actually,

11:09

I think I've heard of this one before.

11:12

I've wanted a taste of her for a while.

11:15

That's right. That's why we've got all of

11:17

you guys here tonight. We need everybody, because

11:19

here's the thing. This is

11:21

an extremely, extremely dangerous bounty. Y'all

11:23

are gonna need to be on

11:25

your best behavior. If you do

11:28

anything rude in the presence

11:30

of Lacey Polite, you're as good as

11:32

dead. But Maybelline, what

11:34

is and what isn't rude is

11:36

highly subjective. Quick,

11:39

who just said that? Ah,

11:41

the camera pans over to where that

11:43

voice came from, and what's this, a

11:46

horse? You've got the

11:48

hooves, the legs, the

11:51

body, the tail. Oh my god,

11:53

look up. Look up.

11:57

The camera moves upward to reveal that this

11:59

is... not just a horse but

12:01

a huge centaur who looks like

12:03

a truck driver who lost his

12:06

clothes and a rave hosted by

12:08

the fairy court of violence and

12:10

sex. It is Jonathan

12:12

Large. That's right this is a

12:14

real dangerous one Jonathan but

12:17

if you keep your wits about you and you keep

12:19

your manners on you you're gonna be able to bring

12:21

her in no problem okay? Yes

12:24

ma'am I'm

12:27

doing it. That's

12:29

a great start anyone else have any questions? No

12:32

questions Maybelline just thinking

12:34

to myself that with a

12:36

bounty this big I might I

12:39

might just be able to retire

12:41

after this job. So, who

12:44

is this? Franthen I'm so

12:46

glad you asked. The

12:48

camera pans and much like with

12:50

Echica it finds nothing. I

12:54

say hey down here down here

12:56

buddy and the camera turns downwards

12:58

again and finds itself

13:01

face-to-face with moose the

13:03

smoothest dwarf in all of Piss Harbor. Not

13:05

in terms of you

13:08

know skin smoothness he's covered in

13:10

in a luxurious beard and slicked

13:12

back red hair no smoothness in

13:14

terms of personality you see in

13:16

terms of his whole vibe.

13:18

Yeah that's it's slick Ronnie by

13:20

the way if we're looking for

13:22

physical smoothness. Yeah he's wearing a

13:24

pastel pink suit with a tucked

13:26

in teal t-shirt. Oh

13:29

moose if you were to retire I

13:31

wouldn't see you anymore. Well

13:34

who said I had to retire

13:36

alone Maybelline? Oh she blushes. Oh

13:39

moose you made me feel young again. Anyone

13:42

else any other questions or comments? This is traditionally the

13:44

part of the episode where the audience meets the main

13:46

cast. I also don't

13:49

have any questions. Who?

13:52

The camera pans around

13:56

the shadows sort

13:59

of frantic. because the shadows are

14:01

dancing around thanks to these candles.

14:05

But eventually, eventually, Neil takes

14:07

pity on the cameraman and

14:10

steps out of them into

14:12

the uplit

14:14

light. And

14:16

you see a gargoyle. She

14:19

is stunning, and she's

14:21

covered in scratches that look like, they're

14:24

graffiti scratches that kind of look like

14:26

tattoos. And it has a

14:29

very cool feel to

14:31

it. It's very intimidating. She

14:33

has a tiny vanity wing. Really

14:36

quick, just with eyes. Who

14:39

here is hot? Oh me? Okay,

14:43

we got a lot of hot. That's fine. Just

14:46

listeners, just update your mental picture of

14:48

this episode. This is a hot episode.

14:51

Tim, you raised your hand? Yeah,

14:53

Tim, you did raise your hand because you're not. You didn't make

14:56

a noise. Who else is here present? I

14:58

gotta say, I don't even

15:00

want money for this bounty because for

15:02

me, it's personal. You

15:04

zoom in, actually, adjust

15:07

the right height to see a frogman,

15:10

but potentially, life,

15:13

who is a cowboy. Excluding

15:15

his cowboy boots, holster, bow

15:17

tie, and cowboy hat, he

15:20

is pretty much naked. He's

15:22

also the most lonesome man in the world. It's

15:25

Tommy Whistle. And so, as

15:27

he keeps talking, you're at the right height for

15:29

him, but it's sort of like the Queen movie.

15:31

Every line, there's sort of a different angle on

15:34

him, as if they were trying to edit

15:36

different takes of this one monologue. You're sort of

15:38

like, how could there have been so many takes?

15:41

Why are they editing? Just stay on him.

15:44

Just stay on him. That common and famous

15:46

complaint with the Queen movie. We all know

15:48

it. I definitely thought

15:50

you meant the Queen, like the

15:53

movie about Queen Elizabeth. You

15:55

know the movie about the band. You see,

15:57

this is personal for me. I didn't.

16:00

my time with the etiquette police. I

16:02

used to think they had a, they

16:04

had a farm philosophy spreading

16:06

politeness to a rude society,

16:09

but they took things too far. Goodness,

16:13

it must be a choice for it to be truly

16:15

good. That's why

16:17

I think someone who kills people for money. Really

16:20

quickly, just like accidentally edited into the episode, we

16:22

see footage. It's like a camera was left on

16:24

its side and it's still on and we just

16:26

see like in a back room, the DM Branson

16:29

Reese talking to a young cameraman being like motherfucker,

16:31

you have been left and right. You've been dropping

16:33

the ball on this episode. I know your dad

16:35

is Tim Platt and you think you just are

16:37

owed a job on retails of magic, but that's

16:40

not how it works. I have not been given

16:42

the shot list. I'm trying, I'm trying. I mean,

16:44

if I could, I don't know these characters are

16:46

coming up. I don't know

16:48

who I'm shooting first. I'm making assumptions. And so if

16:50

I could give a shot list of who I'm doing

16:52

at the same time, I could prepare for it, but

16:54

you're not giving me time to prepare for it. I

16:57

don't give anyone anything. Nobody gets a shot list. I

16:59

do it with power. Ow, pension.

17:01

Ow. That's right. I

17:03

crack a whip across your face.

17:06

Die. We cut back. Was

17:10

there a man standing in the corner? Anyway,

17:13

doesn't anyone want to know why I

17:15

don't have any questions? Sure.

17:19

Sure. Yes,

17:21

of course. The

17:23

etiquette police are very welcome at

17:25

the church. Like Tommy, I

17:27

have a bit of a history with them,

17:30

but I also think goodness

17:32

is goodness. So

17:35

I just wanted to say I'm, I'm in

17:37

the same boat as Tommy here. I have

17:39

the same feelings and I wanted to express

17:41

that here to the room before we get

17:43

out there in the wild. So just a

17:45

double check. Everyone's loaded up philosophy here. They're

17:48

pro etiquette, pro

17:50

goodness, pro goodness. But

17:52

you would say that this is goodness taken too far

17:55

and this is an extremist who must be brought down.

17:57

Yes, exactly. Okay, great. Very.

18:00

Playable let's do this. I just

18:02

think she has a great look and I hope she

18:04

picks me up and someone takes a picture but

18:07

Ejica Anyone except for

18:09

that sweet little puppy dog of yours if

18:11

they pick you up They

18:14

may be victim to your madness Like

18:21

a trick that's

18:23

the smartest sword I know Okay

18:28

You guys are a parallel last but get

18:30

out there and bring this lady to justice.

18:32

Okay, there's a lot of gold riding on

18:35

it For you. Oh, yeah money. Oh She

18:38

was last seen downtown. I should let you know that

18:40

you're gonna want to go downtown Near

18:45

and near anywhere in particular the big

18:47

one the medium one statute of

18:49

intricate world building The

18:52

statute of intricate world building. Yeah, she was last seen

18:54

in the shadow of the statute to intricate world building

18:57

Okay. Okay. That's a good lead. That's good lead

18:59

guys But remember

19:02

be on your best manners or a

19:04

certain deck for all of you. Yeah

19:06

Yeah, I've never had any trouble

19:08

with that and as he says that moose

19:11

takes a toothpick out of his mouth and

19:14

Flicks it on the ground. Oh boy She's

19:21

not here yet. We got a lot of

19:23

work to do Everyone

19:26

I'm putting you through etiquette school right

19:28

now We

19:32

gotta train you all before you so you don't

19:35

get killed here folks go

19:37

here not go here They are

19:39

two cups one for one. Okay,

19:41

so we're gonna get like 30

19:43

seconds of sweet Georgia Brown playing

19:45

him What do we see as

19:47

you train them? Um

19:49

first I show them how to set a table and then

19:51

I show them how to set the table for a

19:53

higher class Of people and then

19:55

I show them how to set a table for

19:57

even higher class of people after

19:59

that I sort of take

20:01

them around to show them dancing like

20:04

debutante dancing Ballroom

20:07

dancing I suppose Then

20:09

I practice normal shaking hands I'm

20:11

each one shakes hands normally because everyone shakes

20:13

hands differently in this world and so I'm

20:15

showing them that Then

20:17

I am a I'm rolling dice on the ground

20:20

and then smashed in dice and you go no

20:22

no No, we don't gamble with them. No, no,

20:24

no and

20:26

then I'm cleaning

20:28

I'm showing I'm cleaning shoes. I'm

20:31

cleaning shoes for them Any

20:33

other pictures here? What else can we do? Educate

20:35

dog is chewing on its butt the entire time

20:39

Neil is opening a door and holding it

20:41

open for Jonathan large and gesturing like please

20:43

go ahead and go through No,

20:45

no after you Moose is

20:47

sitting at the table set for a fancy

20:49

dinner and he's taking the salad fork and

20:51

he's cleaning a shoe with it We

20:55

got a lot of work to do but now

20:57

a lot of time we cut now To

21:00

downtown. It's downtown, baby You know

21:02

it if you've ever seen it,

21:05

you know it the bright lights

21:07

the big city the wet puddles

21:09

the tourists Everywhere tall buildings as

21:12

far as the eye can see

21:14

our heroes stand in the center

21:16

of downtown In the

21:18

long shadow of the statue to intricate

21:21

world building There's a

21:23

statue of an incredibly hot

21:25

DM flexing. These muscles are

21:27

huge Everybody's

21:30

hot in the show Jonathan large

21:32

takes in the in the the scene of

21:35

all the tourists and all the hustle and

21:37

bustle and things All

21:40

right. We're either gonna want to check

21:42

out the least polite looking person around

21:44

here. We're the most for

21:47

a clue why don't we just Set

21:50

a trap Oh and moose takes

21:52

out another toothpick that had been in his

21:54

mouth and he throws it into the street

21:57

three blocks away Lacey's

22:02

polite hears a toothpick hit

22:04

the ground. She mutters,

22:07

she's in the middle of a heated

22:09

conversation with her father, Fabrizio polite.

22:14

But she's bothered, she's stirred. She

22:17

mutters to herself involuntarily. Lacey,

22:20

what's the kind of you sort of distracted? I'm

22:22

sorry, father. That's

22:25

littering I hear. Oh

22:27

no, that's one of the main things you hate. I

22:30

know, father. I have to go.

22:32

Will you stay here? Will you stay here and wait for

22:34

me? I would

22:36

stay here, but I warn you, nobody

22:39

makes Fabrizio polite wait for too long.

22:41

You know, I'm a sunglasses tycoon slash

22:43

finishing school owner, and I'm a

22:46

big shot in this world. Nobody makes

22:48

Fabrizio wait. They don't let

22:51

you rent an

22:53

office in the medium-sized building for nothing, father, do

22:55

they? That's right,

22:57

nobody busts me around. Alright,

23:00

let's say a proper goodbye. And

23:03

then Lacey leans in and kisses

23:05

Fabrizio on the mouth. Wow,

23:09

that's a proper polite goodbye between a

23:11

father and a daughter. You

23:15

don't got to tell me twice. I

23:17

love you and I respect you and I will

23:19

come back alive. See you shortly. Oh,

23:22

such a warm relationship. Lacey

23:26

struts down the three blocks

23:29

wondering who dared

23:32

drop a toothpick within earshot, because she

23:34

can hear a full country mile in

23:36

any direction. She's

23:40

vexed, but as she approaches the

23:42

toothpick, she hears a stirring in

23:44

one of her many billowing pockets.

23:48

It's her pet lizard whose

23:50

name is... Sorry, I have to go to my

23:53

list of Italian names I have. on

24:00

italy.tourism. It's not names.

24:04

Names for beautiful babies dot com. You

24:07

don't know what's the color of your baby? You know you go to this website.

24:13

She pulls a beautiful, a beautiful,

24:16

surprisingly large talking lizard out

24:18

of one of her pockets. His name is Giovanni. She

24:22

consults with him, as she consults with

24:25

him before doing most things.

24:28

She says, Giovanni, did you

24:30

hear what I heard? That's right.

24:32

I heard the same thing you heard. Lacey,

24:35

I heard somebody throw a toothpick on

24:37

the ground. It was

24:39

bad. It

24:41

was very bad. There's

24:44

a crisis of manners going on in this

24:46

town. But I

24:48

suspect that this could be bait. As

24:53

she finally walked the three block, and

24:55

she stands, there's an

24:58

incredible shot that's cut for

25:00

two seconds too soon for some reason. Just

25:05

as the light is about to hit her just

25:07

right, it cuts away. And

25:09

people are, there's listicles about it

25:12

for decades. Weirdest

25:16

cuts in non-visual podcasts. Number

25:21

seven will shock you. Moose

25:26

is arguing with Tommy. He's saying, Tommy, you

25:28

say you're the most lonesome man in the world, but I

25:30

asked you to hang out last week and you said you were busy. I

25:34

was busy considering the moon. It

25:37

all lit up alone like me. Perhaps if

25:39

she were down here and all up there,

25:41

I'd have somebody to talk to. Who?

25:44

The moon? But it should be down

25:47

here. Oh, I see what

25:49

you're saying. You believe

25:51

my request was a request to switch places with the moon.

25:54

That's probably what she thought too. Because you said so.

25:56

Yes, but you said Tommy. Yes, but you said. Is

25:58

that really what I said? Yeah, yeah,

26:01

dude. This is why once again.

26:03

I can't even communicate. Well. I'm

26:05

the most lonesome man on earth

26:09

He fucking got it. He landed that one Huh

26:13

y'all see that something thrown

26:15

this way Everyone

26:17

make a perception roll Gladly

26:20

yeah Yeah

26:22

the game I I

26:26

got a 16. Okay. I got a 19. Okay. I got an 18. I got a 14

26:28

five Everyone

26:36

but Jonathan Never

26:38

mind standing very close to you

26:42

Lacey polite huh, there's the bounty But

26:45

lacey's holding a toothpick and looking

26:47

around sternly trying to clock who

26:50

fucking did it Um Edgica's

26:54

dog trots up to lacey wagging

26:57

his tail lacey involuntarily

27:01

shutters and Seems to want

27:03

to kick the dog but No

27:07

No, it wouldn't be right She

27:10

looks to the dog and says now

27:12

you should be inside and you know that Oh

27:19

Oh my god Lacey

27:22

realizes that the dog

27:24

it's not the dog talking to her Uh,

27:26

but edgica That's right. You've

27:29

surmised I can see in your eyes

27:31

that you've opened up to the horrible

27:34

Possibilities that you are talking to metal

27:36

here. I am There's

27:39

well, there's no there's no rule against

27:41

talking to metal There's many rules against

27:43

having a dog outside the home. First

27:45

of all, it's disgusting second of all

27:47

It spreads disease Uh,

27:49

and third of all dogs are famously unpleasant.

27:51

I don't like being around them I don't

27:53

like being close to them. So if you

27:56

wouldn't mind just uh, whoever's uh, carrying you

27:58

could just have them step off if you

28:00

wouldn't mind, thank you. I actually

28:02

think what you said is very

28:04

rude. You've insulted my puppy

28:07

dog. Well actually, I'm

28:09

the one who decides what's rude

28:11

and what's kind. Ha ha ha

28:13

ha. And I think you'll know

28:15

that what I did was just completely within the

28:17

bounds of what is considered societally acceptable in this

28:20

area. So if your dog would please get the

28:22

fuck away from me, that would be wonderful,

28:24

thank you. Ma'am, I'm afraid, but

28:26

in the polite child's guard to

28:28

life, it says that to never

28:30

insult a person's pet to their

28:33

face, no matter how rude or

28:35

mistreated or misguided the pet may

28:37

be. A pet is an extension

28:39

of a person themselves, and we

28:41

must all respect someone's ability to

28:43

fail their animal. As

28:50

if reading from a book. Lacey

28:54

steps towards Tommy, a flicker

28:56

of recognition in her eyes,

29:00

and immediately fires back, well, that

29:03

would depend on the person you're

29:05

showing respect having a face, wouldn't

29:07

it? I have an eyeball.

29:11

Doesn't count as a face. Check the

29:13

appendix. Ed,

29:16

you guess she's right. The

29:19

appendix does stay. Well, since

29:22

you seem an intelligent person, we

29:24

all disagree on these little, sometimes

29:28

they're all relating to dispute

29:30

etiquette. We might all say that we are

29:32

on the same side as you. We, too,

29:35

have seen this toothpick on the ground. We're

29:37

trying to find out who on Earth could

29:39

be littering like that. Perhaps you could help

29:41

us put your brains with us and help

29:44

us find them. Not

29:46

to be presumptuous or

29:48

impolite. How do you know what I've

29:51

come here to do? It's

29:54

a little impolite. I have to admit, that's a

29:56

little impolite. I would agree. I'm

29:58

afraid I'm using context. clues which you

30:00

may quibble with at your leisure. The

30:03

way you hold that toothpick up in the

30:05

air. The way you sniff around as you're

30:07

trying to catch its scent though

30:09

with your eyes and your sort of posture.

30:12

Tim this is a pretty good, this is legitimately

30:14

this is a pretty good save but you are

30:16

legitimately caught in a lie. I need you to

30:18

make a deception blow. Okay. Okay.

30:25

That's a three. Lacey,

30:30

you know what to do with a three. With

30:32

all due respect that's complete and total bullshit and

30:35

you know it. You've

30:37

got a real mouth on you sister. Yeah

30:39

you're cursing a lot. I make the rules

30:42

all right. I

30:44

make the rules I write the rules and rule number

30:46

one is I don't got to follow them.

30:49

Oh see now

30:51

I'm back around to liking you.

30:54

Thank you so much and you're right to do it. Now I've

30:57

come here to find who has

30:59

discarded this toothpick in the middle

31:01

of this carefully cared for public

31:03

road. Now I just by

31:05

looking around there's

31:08

no one else within range who

31:10

could have done it and I find that

31:12

littering perpetrators tend to linger at the

31:14

scene so I suspect it's one of

31:16

you. What are

31:18

we standing around talking for? Tommy Lasso

31:20

your tongue. Moose,

31:24

one day if we ever become friends I'm gonna

31:26

remember this moment. Well I guess I'll remember it

31:28

no matter what but if we end up with

31:30

you become friends I'll be sure to tell

31:33

you about it. I thought

31:35

we already were. Tommy opens his

31:37

mouth and out falls his tongue

31:39

already wound up like a feeder

31:42

cable. It says Lasso. He lassoed

31:44

it over his head. One, two,

31:46

three, round lacy

31:49

polite. What is a theater

31:51

cable? You know. Why isn't a lasso

31:53

an effective enough visual? I want to make

31:55

sure people can see like this the circle of

31:57

it you know maybe I'm maybe I'm uh not

32:00

respecting the listener. Tim Pater's from a very

32:02

urban and suburban audience. They don't know the

32:04

rural life of a cowboy. They don't know

32:06

what a lasso is. It's

32:09

also a different kind of slap as it

32:11

hits the floor. It's a theater

32:13

table. Yeah. Yeah. Tim is casting

32:16

a wide net. I'm on Tim's side

32:18

here. He wants theater kids to...

32:20

Which should be the bread and butter of a podcast

32:22

like this to know what's going on. You

32:25

mean like a microphone cable? Yeah,

32:27

but I find microphones can be found in any

32:29

theater. Theatrical

32:31

or theatrical or

32:33

musical. Oh, really, Tim?

32:36

Operating? Yes.

32:39

Hey, Lacey, while they debate what Tim said,

32:41

can you make a dexterity saving throw for

32:43

me? Oh,

32:46

yes. A four. A

32:48

four. Unfortunately, you feel that

32:51

lasso tongue go right around your shoulders.

32:53

He's got you. Tommy

32:55

Whistle starts tugging, pulling

32:57

her back, and then trying

33:00

to pull her like a cattle tied around

33:02

the legs up to the rest of the

33:04

group. Now,

33:06

sir, you haven't even told me what your name

33:09

is yet. Tommy

33:11

Whistle, ma'am. Pleasure to meet your

33:13

acquaintance. She

33:16

can barely make out what he said

33:18

due to being completely strangled by his

33:20

tongue, but she nods and appreciates the

33:22

gesture nonetheless. Uh,

33:25

she she struggles, but

33:27

then fortunately her pet lizard

33:29

is on her shoulder and

33:32

at the ready to help out. Giovanni

33:34

at the ready jumps onto

33:36

her shoulder parrot style and then leaps

33:38

at Tommy Whistle's face thing. Ah, you

33:40

son of a bitch, I'm gonna get

33:43

you. Ha ha,

33:45

damn, damn, I ain't son of no one.

33:47

I ain't son of no one. He attacks

33:49

you. He jumps on your face, Tommy Whistle,

33:51

makes an attack roll. Oh,

33:54

and he lands. He lands on your face and

33:56

he bites down hard on your nose. Okay,

33:59

so. So that's a sensitive spot for Tommy

34:01

Whistle. And so at the bite, his

34:04

tongue's sort of like a... You

34:06

know when you get pinched and

34:08

your body gets all tense? That

34:11

happens to his tongue. When his

34:13

tongue gets tense, it gets long.

34:15

Not lasso-wrapped up, but straight lines,

34:17

like measuring things. Oh, like a

34:19

slap bracelet. Yes, but pretty slapped.

34:22

Um... Um... Um... So,

34:26

which means Lacey is now completely free.

34:28

The tongue goes straight, AHH!

34:30

Get it off me! Get it off me! And

34:32

the tongue flies back into his mouth. The momentum

34:34

of it, like measuring tape, just

34:36

like slamming back into your mouth, flows Giovanni

34:39

from your nose and he lands back on

34:41

Lacey's shoulder. Moose

34:43

watches this and looks at Lacey and says, man,

34:46

that pet should really be left inside. And

34:49

Lacey is too distracted because she knows

34:51

that the most important thing to do

34:53

in this moment is to thank Giovanni

34:55

for his loyal service. So

34:58

she turns to Giovanni and she says, Giovanni,

35:02

thank you so much. And

35:04

gives him the traditional thanks, which is

35:06

a very long kiss on the mouth. She

35:09

like kisses her back. Why?

35:11

You're so welcome. And he turns into Moose,

35:13

he makes, like he has a shit eating

35:15

grin on his face. He goes, and that's

35:17

the real manners. Real manners is how two

35:19

people reach out to each other and show

35:22

respect. It's not a trap to trap people

35:24

in. You disgust me. And he spits on

35:26

the ground. This is rare, but

35:28

Moose is like, Moose

35:30

is like, his mouth is a

35:32

gape and he's white as a sheet. After

35:35

just watching what he just watched. That's

35:37

right. Welcome to polite society. I

35:41

think you're both freaks. I'm not saying it

35:43

in a bad way, but I do. I

35:45

think you're, you're a way, you're a freak,

35:47

right? Both of you? That

35:49

I'm a freak. And that my, my

35:52

pet lizard Giovanni is a freak. You

35:54

just made face love to a lizard.

35:57

And you're accusing me of this in a public forum.

36:00

Absolutely! Oh,

36:02

you're gonna make us

36:04

so mad, you make a big mistake, Assad! Well,

36:08

come at me then, ya Italian bitch!

36:12

Now listen, there are many proper

36:14

places to call someone a bitch. The

36:17

street can be one. It's known that

36:19

it's extremely rude to call anyone a

36:21

bitch in a public forum before 10pm,

36:24

for that completely fair game, no matter

36:26

indoor, outdoor, two

36:29

family, extra marital. It's

36:31

all a fair game. Everyone's a bitch

36:33

after 10pm. That's rule number two

36:35

after it's rule number one, which is the

36:37

rules don't apply to me, bitch. You

36:41

just... And, um,

36:43

Ejika's dog is going to charge at

36:45

Lacey. Make an attack roll. Ooh.

36:53

18 is gonna be enough. Ejika

36:55

and her dog race towards Lacey

36:57

in these swipes upwards, connecting with

36:59

her twitch. Lacey is

37:01

canonically a triple black belt,

37:03

and it's also built into

37:06

her outfit, in that

37:08

she has them sort of just tied

37:10

around her intermittently as if it's a

37:12

confusing fashion statement. She

37:16

pulls one of the black belts

37:18

from around her torso and immediately

37:20

whacks it outward to fend off

37:22

the oncoming attack. Lacey,

37:24

can you make a dexterity roll to see if you're able

37:26

to do this? Yes. Eight.

37:33

Unfortunately, Lacey, as you do this, you

37:35

try to deflect the blow with your

37:37

black belt, and instead,

37:40

ultra-symbolically, the black belt is

37:42

cut in half. Oh.

37:46

Am I hit, or can I talk shit

37:48

to the dog? You can

37:50

talk shit to the dog, but your belt, your

37:53

prized black belt has been cut in half. There's

37:55

two more where that came from, no worries. The

37:58

dog, uh... The dog

38:01

in Ejica lands anime style

38:03

behind you. Oh. Lacey

38:06

turns casting Giovanni

38:09

off for his own safety. She may

38:11

need him later. And

38:16

she lunges for the sword. But before

38:19

she does so, before

38:21

she lunges for Ejica,

38:23

she apologizes because

38:25

it's very rude to steal

38:27

someone's property. Most especially

38:30

if that property is their own

38:32

body. However, in

38:35

emergencies, it's important. You've

38:40

got to roll for everything. OK.

38:45

So can you make an attack roll on the

38:48

sword to try to grab the sword? Nine.

38:53

Nine? You're

38:55

rolling like shit. Whoa.

38:58

You lung for the sword. And

39:01

you don't make it. This dog moves

39:03

fast. This dog is zigging

39:05

when you think it's going to zag. You don't

39:08

know what. This dog is unpredictable. And it jerks

39:10

away. And you're unable to get the sword. Lacey's

39:13

trying to keep herself under control. But she's

39:15

getting pretty pissed off. She

39:20

screams uncharacteristically. This is why

39:23

dogs don't belong outside. They

39:25

beat me in fights. The

39:31

dog prances away jauntily. Neil. Neil,

39:34

I see you studying

39:37

Lacey, trying to connect to

39:39

her. What other polite people have made

39:42

confessions in your church? What have you

39:44

perceived that we could stop her? Yeah,

39:46

how do we stop her? And

39:49

the cameraman pans over to where Neil

39:51

was. And she's gone. And

39:54

then the cameraman's zooming in. And

39:56

then the cameraman's zooming in and

39:58

out around the square. trying to find her. He

40:00

knows he's on thin ice. He's

40:03

fucking straight to has already

40:05

happened. So he's like looking

40:07

around and then starts panning up,

40:11

up, up

40:13

the mid-sized skyscraper

40:16

and up and up to

40:19

the very corner where

40:21

she sits with a plan. A hawk's

40:24

next, next to her on

40:27

the top of the building is full of eggs.

40:31

She grabs one. This

40:34

mother hawk doesn't need

40:36

three babies. And she

40:38

takes the egg. That's

40:40

practically greedy. And she

40:42

tosses it

40:46

down at Lacey

40:48

Polite's head. Make a

40:51

dexterity roll. That's going to be, there's going

40:53

to need some real accuracy on this one.

40:55

The mother hawk shrugs her shoulders and

40:58

says, honestly, it's a relief. And

41:01

she looks at the camera and she's like, you have

41:03

no space to do. I am a single hawk mother.

41:05

You don't know what it's like. And

41:09

I will say Neil also kind of read that. So like,

41:12

she knew, she knew what she was getting into. So I got

41:14

a 12.

41:16

Yeah, it splats on the ground

41:18

right in front of Lacey Polite.

41:21

Okay, there's two more. Okay,

41:23

well, mother hawk might not be

41:25

infinitely patient. This might not be

41:28

her first brood. We

41:30

don't know. There's no way to know. Sorry,

41:32

quick question is abortion

41:35

legalized in the hawk community here? Oh,

41:39

that's interesting. Yeah,

41:41

yeah, they strike me as a

41:44

progressive raptor. Okay,

41:46

just checking. Yeah. Okay,

41:49

interesting. This is changing my Neil's

41:51

thoughts on this a little bit.

41:54

Neil's realizing this actually is an attempt

41:57

to be very not polite. Lacey

42:00

Polite. She's actually being even less

42:02

polite to this mother hawk who's losing

42:05

her children. She

42:07

places the second egg back down and

42:10

she jumps herself off

42:12

the building. Limbs splayed

42:17

as if she has like a

42:19

diving suit or like one of

42:21

those like flying squirrel suits. Yes.

42:23

So she's kind of just flying

42:26

hard and fast also at

42:28

Lacey Polite's head. Make an attack

42:30

roll on Lacey Polite. Okay.

42:33

Yeah, I mean I got a 16, which

42:36

I feel like is pretty good. Look. Lacey,

42:38

because you are trained in martial arts, I'm

42:40

going to give you a chance to make

42:42

a dexterity saving throw. Here, I'm

42:44

going to give you the opportunity, but you got to

42:46

beat a 16. Okay.

42:49

So I don't see this

42:51

attack coming at all because

42:54

I'm so distracted by the

42:56

little hawk before me. Just

42:59

days before it was said to

43:01

be born, it's rising around trying

43:04

to state its government name to

43:06

me, but I turned around and

43:08

Neil is hurtling

43:11

towards me. And

43:13

unfortunately, I get a four. Neil

43:18

connects with you and Lacey, it's lights out

43:20

and we're going to take a break right

43:22

there. Lacey,

43:44

you open your eyes. It's hazy.

43:47

You've got a headache the size of the muscles

43:50

on the piss Harbor monument to intricate world

43:52

building. Slowly, everything

43:54

around you comes into focus and you see you're

43:57

in a romantically lit

43:59

room. Why, three

44:01

entire cars could fit in here. If

44:03

only they existed. Yes, yes, of

44:05

course. This is a garage. You

44:08

see two blurry figures before you.

44:11

As your eyes completely adjust, you see, Geovani

44:14

is tied up like Hannibal Lecter inside

44:16

of a pet carrier that was obviously

44:18

intended for a cat. The indignity. You're

44:20

tied to a chair in the middle of the room.

44:25

Now gentlemen, it's always polite to

44:27

ask a lady before you fasten her to a

44:29

piece of furniture. She's

44:31

awake. That's

44:35

rule number one in the polite

44:38

guide to tantric sex. That

44:44

might be where the confusion is

44:46

coming from, Lacey. We're not

44:48

having tantric sex. Well

44:50

yes, of course. You would have asked for

44:52

consent if I would have consented to, and

44:54

I would have, and I would have. Yes.

44:58

But that's neither here nor there. Agreed.

45:02

We know though, even the most polite buttoned

45:04

up like a let loose with rules. That's

45:07

why tantric sex is the most rule-ed

45:10

stop I've ever heard. Welcome,

45:12

glad you're awake. We're

45:15

gonna be watching you before our bounty opens in

45:17

the morning so we'll do whatever we can to

45:19

make you comfortable. Tantric

45:21

sex is the most ruled

45:24

stop you've ever heard. Rule-ed. Rule-ed,

45:27

like many rules in tantrics. That

45:29

is the correct way to say it, yes,

45:31

absolutely. Okay. I

45:34

mean, Moose, we don't know

45:36

each other very well, but do you know a

45:38

different, do you know a type of sex with

45:40

more rules? Um,

45:43

I, uh, no. I'm

45:48

Moose, I've never seen you blush. I've

45:52

just never, I don't think about sex as being like a

45:56

rule-ed domain so much. I just sort of

45:58

like go with what. feels good, you know?

46:01

Well, you clearly haven't read the book. Rule number

46:03

two is never go with what feels good.

46:07

I follow the golden rule of

46:10

sex. Reading books about sex is

46:12

uncool. Moose,

46:15

ain't that the truth. Sometimes

46:18

I forget. Sometimes, Lacer, your

46:20

system of the appropriate, I

46:22

find compelling, but I

46:24

left for a reason. And Moose's attitude

46:26

seems more convincing right now. Go with the

46:28

flow and see what happens. As long as

46:30

you're respectful to everyone, I want you to

46:32

go on the flow with. Well,

46:35

see, when I went with the flow today, I

46:37

ended up, what appears to be incarcerated, and I

46:39

do believe it is the

46:41

first rule of the polite guide

46:43

to incarcerating someone for life to

46:46

inform the incarcerated for which they have

46:48

been arrested for. I don't believe I

46:51

know what law I have violated other

46:53

than being hit in the

46:55

head by what I perceive to be a

46:57

flying squirrel. You're

47:01

not arrested. Great news. You're not arrested.

47:03

All right. Thank you for informing me. You

47:05

have been hunted. We're bounty hunters, and you've been

47:07

hunted. Oh, okay.

47:09

Okay. So we're going

47:11

to turn you over

47:13

in exchange for, I'll

47:16

admit, a lot of money. And then whoever

47:18

hired us is going to do

47:20

whatever they want with you, basically.

47:23

Whoever hired you. Whoever hired you.

47:27

Now, Moose, I feel I know the answer

47:30

to this question, but have you read a

47:32

little book called The Polite Guide to Bounty

47:34

Hunting? Lacey, this

47:37

might not surprise you, but no. That's

47:40

a trick question. It doesn't exist. I'm still working

47:42

on it. A

47:47

little impolite to ask a trick question. Yes,

47:51

please. Oh,

47:54

wait. Were you going to ask me a trick question? No,

47:57

you just, you asked me. You asked me a trick

47:59

question. Yeah, the rules don't... apply to me but if

48:01

you read the polite guide to trick questions

48:03

it's a very short book the first and

48:05

last rule is they rock. Tommy

48:09

gets in the middle of them, moo, moo, stop

48:11

it, stop it, she's playing you, she's trying to

48:14

get you so angry you'll do something you regret.

48:16

That's why all the trick questions, she knows it

48:19

will blow your top off, she's playing mind

48:21

games with us. The polite always play mind

48:23

games, they say what they don't mean and

48:25

mean what they don't say. No,

48:28

it won't happen, I don't have a

48:30

temper. Lacey observes

48:32

the dynamic between these two men,

48:35

knowing that friendships between men are fraught

48:38

and they'd never admit to having them.

48:43

She goes in, Tommy

48:45

I apologize for making you uncomfortable

48:47

with the way I was talking to

48:50

your good friend Moose. He

48:52

ain't my friend, he's my co-worker, I don't

48:54

got any friends, I'm the most lonesome man

48:56

in the world. No, see

48:58

I did think of us as friends until he

49:00

started really doubling down on not being friends. Well,

49:03

we're affectionate co-workers and yes we're even

49:05

peers, but friendship is about something else,

49:07

no one gets close to Tommy Whistle,

49:09

no one ever has and no one

49:11

ever will. Right behind

49:14

Tommy Whistle is Neil. Oh,

49:17

Neil. Moose, Tommy,

49:20

you're relieved. Go get

49:22

some sleep. That sounds like you've been

49:24

yelling and you look emotional. As

49:26

Neil says that, Tommy realizes that his hand

49:29

is on his cowboy gun, revolver if you

49:31

will, and realizing, well

49:34

done Lacey, you're lucky I

49:36

got replaced, you were in trouble for

49:39

a second. Were you gonna

49:41

shoot one of us because I called you my friend?

49:43

I was gonna shoot you for calling me your friend.

49:47

It's all because of the mind game, it's because of the mind

49:49

game she's playing. Go to bed.

49:53

You're right, I'll need some sleep. Ma'am,

49:56

ma'am, sir? Well

49:59

gendered. As

50:02

Moose walks past Neil, he

50:04

turns to face her

50:06

and he says, don't let this one slip through

50:08

your fingers. This is a good bounty for us.

50:11

I won't. You

50:14

better not. Okay. Statue.

50:17

Go to bed, Moose. Okay. And

50:20

Moose, that was very rude. Thank

50:22

you. You

50:25

don't know my history with statues, okay?

50:27

Moose, come on. All right, all right.

50:30

Someday you're going to tell me, Moose, but

50:32

right now you're going to go to bed. Okay,

50:35

Neil, okay, okay, we're all going to

50:37

bed. No, not bad. Okay, Neil, we

50:39

heard you. Good

50:41

night, Moose. Ah! My

50:44

peers. As you leave the

50:48

makeshift prisoner's chamber, you see

50:50

Jonathan Large smoothing

50:52

out quilts

50:55

on cots that he set up in

50:57

the garage. Here you

50:59

go, boys. Sweet dreams will

51:02

make you strong in the morning. Thank

51:05

you, Jonathan. Be careful with that one.

51:08

You're very welcome. Something I do for all my friends. We

51:12

are not, we are not...

51:14

Go to bed! Nail,

51:16

nail, nail! Where'd

51:18

ya? And Jonathan clops

51:21

off to join Neil. All right,

51:23

Jonathan, it's down to us. I'm

51:26

just impressed we left all these candles

51:28

lit and this place didn't burn down.

51:31

Ha ha ha, you do seem to have

51:33

a bit of a

51:35

habit when it comes to accidentally

51:37

spreading too much blame. What

51:40

can I say? It's the hellfire

51:42

behind my eyes and in my

51:44

heart and in my

51:47

soul and fueling my drive

51:49

and motivation. That's so neat. I

51:51

love that. And the regular fire that I

51:53

light my cigarettes with. Oh,

51:55

that's so neat. I love how passionate you

51:57

are. And I love... how

52:02

thoughtful you are, Jonathan. Thank

52:04

you. I've been really thinking a lot about what

52:06

it means to be polite. And he looks at

52:08

Lacey, pointedly. Lacey's carefully

52:11

observing this dynamic, remembering the

52:13

long night she spent drafting

52:16

the polite guide to sexual

52:18

tension between people nearby who

52:20

aren't technically talking to you. She

52:26

wants to discuss it further, but she can't take

52:28

her eyes off of Neil, noticing

52:30

and remembering the last thing

52:32

she felt before she

52:35

woke up in this room that

52:37

is really evoking the basement of

52:40

the 2004 Phantom of the Opera

52:42

movie. She looks over to Neil.

52:49

Now, I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here,

52:54

but did you happen to jump

52:57

off a building in an attempt to assault me?

53:00

It was not an attempt. I succeeded.

53:05

Yeah, that was me. Lacey

53:08

nods. She's met her match. As

53:14

Neil, in an attempt to sort of like cool

53:17

the end, the conversation turns

53:19

fully back to Jonathan Large,

53:21

exposing her little vanity wings

53:23

to Lacey's polite. And Lacey can

53:25

see that the vanity wings are sort

53:27

of like, oh, because they're kind of

53:29

like flapping really hard with obvious anxiety.

53:33

Lacey looks to the vanity wings,

53:35

notices Neil's anxiety, looks over to

53:37

the large analog clock at the

53:39

corner and notices that it's around

53:41

10.20 at night. You

53:43

wouldn't. She's in the clear. No,

53:46

no, no. She

53:51

looks over to Neil

53:54

and says calmly, OK,

53:58

bitch, let's talk. And

54:01

then in slow motion, Neil

54:04

turns and the fire in

54:06

her eyes is no longer

54:08

just sort of metaphorical. It

54:11

becomes visible. She's so

54:13

inflamed. And

54:15

she turns fully and she

54:17

says, hold me back. Okay.

54:21

Okay. Yeah,

54:25

Jonathan lays two

54:27

gigantic human

54:29

hands on Neil's

54:31

shoulders. Yeah. Time catches

54:33

up with him and she is like swinging

54:36

and she's furious. She was called

54:38

the B word. Jonathan

54:40

like has her. It's

54:42

an insult. It's not in my book. It's

54:44

not polite to say any time. From

54:47

inside of the cat

54:49

carrier, you hear, oh, Lacey, see

54:51

how quickly they default to putting

54:53

their hands on each other. Oh,

54:55

the sexual tension. You cut out

54:57

a knife. I

55:01

set them up and they fell right into

55:04

it. Lacey

55:07

wriggles her arm and is

55:09

able to reach one of the higher

55:12

up. It's a pretty high waisted billowing

55:14

skirt, which I

55:16

should have said earlier. There's something rustling

55:19

in one of the pockets and

55:22

she manages to take it

55:24

out and it's that little

55:27

baby Hawk. Early

55:30

on. It made it. She

55:36

managed to pocket it just

55:38

moments before being knocked out

55:41

by Neil. She looks at

55:43

Neil in her fiery eyes. She looks

55:45

at Jonathan grasping Neil

55:48

a little too tightly for

55:50

polite society and

55:53

says, I'm sorry. I don't think

55:55

I don't think we meant. What was your, what was your name again? Neil

55:59

freezes. The hawk is

56:01

exposed and her eyes, there's

56:04

like a hissing sound as water is

56:06

hitting the fire and there's like a

56:08

gentle smoking out of her eyes. She

56:11

says, my name is Neil,

56:14

like Neil before God. Lacey

56:17

looks to the hawk, consulting

56:19

it, looks over to Giovanni the

56:21

lizard, who knows exactly what she's

56:23

about to fucking say. He

56:26

nods knowing, oh, you're important now.

56:31

What could be worse than the B word? Well,

56:34

Neil, there's this

56:36

baby hawk would have loved to Neil before

56:38

God. Her name is

56:40

Denise. Oh.

56:44

Oh, okay. And she just

56:46

so happens to be, to

56:48

have just as much of a, she's becoming

56:51

really pro life,

56:53

okay. Politely

56:58

pro life, okay. This

57:00

hawk never got a chance to fly

57:02

because you tried to kill me with

57:04

her. And now she

57:07

has just as much of a bone

57:09

to pick with you as I do myself,

57:11

Neil. How do you feel about that? Neil

57:13

sort of slumps

57:16

and Jonathan can feel, there's no longer resistance,

57:19

Neil, pulling forward. Oh,

57:23

be released. I

57:25

feel bad. Denise,

57:29

the hawk hops out of my,

57:31

out of Lacey's hand and

57:33

lands on Neil's shoulder ever

57:35

so gently. Wow, life

57:37

is so beautiful and so fragile. Everyone's

57:40

like. Oh my, that

57:42

is so true. That is so true.

57:44

Jonathan's like clapping around, like he really

57:46

like connected him back to his roots

57:49

in the woods. Oh

57:51

boy. Oh yeah. And Denise

57:54

is not the first hawk to land

57:56

on Neil's shoulder and a montage of

57:58

the thousand years that she. She

58:00

stood sentinel over the cathedral where

58:02

she listened to confessions of evil

58:04

men. Hawk after

58:06

hawk shared that time with her, listened

58:08

with her, and spent it with her.

58:10

And she feels devastated

58:13

that she forsook her

58:16

sky creature friends. She

58:20

feels the need to untie

58:23

Lacey and be forgiven.

58:27

She steps forward. The

58:30

camera finally on

58:32

the ball finds a long shot

58:34

as a paw enters frame. And

58:40

you hear Ejika say, I

58:42

wouldn't do that if I were you. I

58:46

have to. Don't you understand?

58:48

No I don't. She's making sense!

58:51

As if all at once Lacey's spell wears off

58:54

and you're all snapped back to reality. And

58:56

the realization of what you're supposed to be doing here

58:58

hits you hard. Ejika and the

59:01

dog walk closer. You

59:03

see, you use that baby hawk as a

59:06

weapon. And I,

59:08

above all, know that a loving

59:10

gesture is to grasp a

59:12

weapon, feel its

59:15

power coursing through you,

59:17

and strike. And

59:19

her eye darts to

59:22

Lacey and makes penetrating eye

59:24

contact with her. I

59:27

bet you can't even imagine the

59:30

power you would wield if we

59:32

were together. Lacey considers it looking

59:35

away from Ejika's eyeball knowing it's impolite

59:37

for women to make eye contact for

59:39

more than two seconds at a time.

59:41

That's rule number 43. She

59:44

considers it and then decides to pay

59:46

Ejika a compliment, thinking that there may

59:48

be some allyship between them. You

59:51

know, I apologize for speaking to you the

59:53

way I did earlier, and I

59:56

really appreciate that you brought that filthy

59:58

beast inside. Ejika

1:00:01

understands this is a compliment. We

1:00:03

cut now over the cots where Moose

1:00:05

and Tommy Whistle are supposed to be

1:00:08

sleeping. Moose lifts his head with

1:00:10

sleeping cap dawned and turns

1:00:13

over to Tommy Whistle who's right next to him

1:00:15

and says, hey Tommy, you don't think there's any

1:00:17

danger of them letting Lacey go do you? No,

1:00:19

we already told them to have their wits with

1:00:21

them because she's trying to turn them against each

1:00:24

other. It would be impolite if they didn't listen

1:00:26

to our warning. That's

1:00:28

a reassuring me. Sweet dreams. Sweet

1:00:30

dreams. We cut back. The

1:00:33

dog is creeping closer

1:00:35

to Lacey until he

1:00:38

reaches her feet and lays

1:00:40

Ejika down. Lacey

1:00:43

looks down at Ejika sensing

1:00:47

that this may be her way

1:00:49

of getting out. She makes eye

1:00:52

contact fleetingly with Giovanni the lizard

1:00:55

who flits his tongue encouragingly in

1:00:57

the sexual way that she's been

1:00:59

taught is appropriate. She

1:01:02

trades him sexually. He dies. You

1:01:07

can hear Ejika's voice inside

1:01:09

your mind. Just

1:01:12

one swipe. Lacey

1:01:14

gulps. She doesn't want to be taken

1:01:18

but she looks down and

1:01:20

says to Ejika deferentially,

1:01:23

no, I

1:01:26

hate to be forward but I

1:01:29

wouldn't mind maybe if you... I

1:01:33

guess what I'm saying, may

1:01:36

I hold you? You

1:01:39

want to hold me? Respectfully yes. Yes

1:01:41

I do. Look in

1:01:43

your hand, you already are. Oh

1:01:45

my god. Lacey, make a wisdom

1:01:47

navy throw. Okay. I

1:01:51

didn't see that coming. Five.

1:01:54

Five. Five. I

1:01:57

need to crumble. Jamie,

1:01:59

are you... Is it a d20? Yes.

1:02:02

Okay. I'm

1:02:05

just rolling like shit. Oh no. Like,

1:02:09

see, the madness of Ejica takes over. The

1:02:12

world melts away around you, Giovanni

1:02:14

melts away, Denise the baby hawk

1:02:16

melts away, and all of

1:02:18

reality is the sword that you're clutching in

1:02:20

your hand. Carly, what is she hearing whispering

1:02:22

in her head? She is

1:02:24

hearing the... of

1:02:26

her daddy saying goodbye. She

1:02:29

is hearing the rustling of

1:02:31

wind turning her

1:02:33

skirts into shreds until

1:02:35

they suddenly look like icy

1:02:38

fire billowing behind her. It's

1:02:40

as if everything around her is

1:02:42

a rush of streaming water. We

1:02:46

cut now to the the cot

1:02:48

room where Moose, Tommy, Jonathan Large,

1:02:51

and Neil are all bundled up

1:02:53

like sleeping little seven dwarves. Four

1:02:55

dwarves though. They've all

1:02:58

got their sleeping caps on, there's

1:03:00

a little candle on a little candlestick.

1:03:04

Everyone's in sleepy time mode. Z's

1:03:07

dance above our heads. And

1:03:10

then a horrifying shadow is in the

1:03:12

doorway. As you see, an incredibly

1:03:15

beautiful, absolutely

1:03:17

stunning polite elf

1:03:20

stands in the doorway clutching Ejica.

1:03:23

Ejica has completely taken over Lacey. She's

1:03:27

lost all sense of what's real and

1:03:29

what's not. What's nice and what isn't.

1:03:31

She's no longer wearing her billowing skirt,

1:03:34

it's much shorter now, and she looks

1:03:36

like a dumb sloth. No! No!

1:03:40

Can we take it back? Can we take it back? We have

1:03:42

to play it this way too. Roll up. The

1:03:44

scariest thing of all. It's too hot. She is

1:03:46

so hot. I'm so sorry. I'm

1:03:48

so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm

1:03:51

so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so

1:03:53

sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

1:03:57

She holds Ejica above her head. says

1:04:01

about like just slightly lower

1:04:03

than she normally would. Who's

1:04:07

first? Jonathan

1:04:09

leaps up, awakened by

1:04:12

the by just someone talking

1:04:14

in a room. He's a very light

1:04:16

sleeper. Who's I'm trying to off for

1:04:19

that. And you oh,

1:04:22

Ejica, I see you're

1:04:25

driving her insane. Very good. I

1:04:27

trust you. And and

1:04:29

Jonathan lies back down. Okay,

1:04:32

it seems like Jonathan has offered himself

1:04:35

at the altar. He is first. But

1:04:38

what holding Ejica Lacey

1:04:42

lunges toward Jonathan

1:04:45

with with Ejica, the sword.

1:04:48

But just before she she tries

1:04:51

to slice through him, Giovanni,

1:04:54

the lizard hops onto

1:04:56

her shoulder, not wanting to be left out of the

1:04:58

action. Yeah, I want to be a part of it.

1:05:00

What do you murder these four people? And

1:05:04

then she goes in for the

1:05:06

kill. Make an attack roll

1:05:09

on the the absolutely helpless Jonathan large.

1:05:11

All right, let's see. Fourteen.

1:05:13

That's it. You

1:05:17

see blood and like a mile

1:05:20

of gut still out of the

1:05:22

horse bottom of this guy. What?

1:05:25

No, Ejica. We're

1:05:28

friends. Lacey

1:05:31

and Jiavani

1:05:34

do take action

1:05:36

on one of the the

1:05:38

appendices of the polite guide

1:05:40

to combat with your assumed

1:05:43

friends. They they stick

1:05:45

their tongues out and let the

1:05:47

blood rush on to the tongues

1:05:49

sipping on on his corpse. Oh,

1:05:52

yeah, that's some good blood. That's some

1:05:54

great type of negative. Jiavani

1:05:56

takes out a plane of pasta. No,

1:06:01

no, don't dress your

1:06:03

pasta in my blood like so

1:06:05

much tomato sauce. That's a red

1:06:07

sauce on my pasta. Um,

1:06:09

this sound has woken up Tommy Whistle.

1:06:11

He jumps, he jumps out of his

1:06:14

cart wearing his full onesie with Snoopy

1:06:16

pajamas. Um, and he jumps

1:06:18

back against the wall. Tommy

1:06:22

Whistle was it? Indeed,

1:06:24

but I ain't gonna be as lazy as

1:06:27

my friend. I don't know what you're coming

1:06:29

for. And he takes out his revolver.

1:06:31

You fool. I'll play Russian

1:06:33

Roulette every night so I'll always got a bullet in

1:06:35

the holster. Now back off.

1:06:37

It's commended. He holds the revolver

1:06:40

straight at Lacy's head and with his back

1:06:42

against the wall, he fires. It's

1:06:44

a click. He fires again. It's

1:06:47

a click. Fire, fire, fire, fire.

1:06:49

This is my last one. So it should be,

1:06:52

it should be it. Fire. It's

1:06:54

a click. But where, where's

1:06:57

the last bullet? Where's my last bullet?

1:07:00

Tommy, you turn now to

1:07:02

a still sleeping moose and

1:07:04

you see, clutched in his little sleepy

1:07:06

hands, is a single bullet. He

1:07:09

took it out of your gun to protect

1:07:11

his... friend? Say, Mrs.

1:07:14

Wigab below and some, anyone who becomes

1:07:16

friends with me, kills me. Lacy

1:07:20

takes advantage of Tommy's

1:07:22

raw emotions and sticks Giovanni

1:07:25

into Moose's hand, who takes

1:07:28

both the bullet and the gun,

1:07:30

returning it to Lacy. I

1:07:33

must go fast. Miss

1:07:36

Pilate, there must be a misunderstanding. Maybe we can

1:07:39

come get some kind of arrangement. Lacy

1:07:41

looks outside the window. Wow, a

1:07:44

full moon tonight. The only

1:07:46

thing that Tommy ever said was his

1:07:48

real friend. She loads

1:07:50

the bullet into the gun, cocks it at

1:07:52

Tommy's head. Tommy,

1:07:54

any chance you'd like to say goodbye

1:07:57

to your real friend, the moon?

1:08:01

We actually never really got a chance to

1:08:03

make an acquaintance. I always sort of hoped

1:08:05

we would though. And

1:08:07

by killing me, you'll kill the opportunity for the moon

1:08:09

ever to have a friend like me. Please,

1:08:12

please, you don't have to do this. He gets on

1:08:14

his knees. It's pathetic. You don't have to do this.

1:08:16

You don't have to do this. Look

1:08:19

at you, Tommy, kneeling before God.

1:08:24

She, uh, she, she, she pulls the

1:08:26

trigger. She takes him out of his misery. Boom!

1:08:29

It does 700 damage on Tommy. Good

1:08:31

night, Tommy. It doesn't

1:08:33

do it to Tommy though, because Moose

1:08:36

leaps in front of the bullet. He

1:08:38

was awakened when Giovanni took the bullet

1:08:40

out of his hands. And in those

1:08:42

few moments as the bullets were being

1:08:44

loaded, he roused himself and then got

1:08:47

between Tommy and the fatal shot. No!

1:08:50

Moose, any last words? I

1:08:53

never had

1:08:55

tantrics. He's gone.

1:09:00

Moose explodes. Patrick, what? Tommy

1:09:03

leans over the exploded guts of Moose,

1:09:05

his back now to Lacey. No, please,

1:09:07

you see, this is why I shouldn't

1:09:09

have been your friend. This is why

1:09:12

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

1:09:15

He's not even noticing what's happening

1:09:17

behind him. Lacey frustrated

1:09:19

that she didn't take him out on the

1:09:21

first, on the first one, because he is

1:09:23

the most familiar with her work and therefore

1:09:25

the most difficult to take out. Tries

1:09:28

to take advantage of Tommy once again. She's

1:09:30

got her nun cuffed back. She

1:09:33

gets him by the throat. I

1:09:35

won't! No! My friend!

1:09:39

She asks, Tommy, you

1:09:42

know what a real friend would do? No,

1:09:44

I never had a friend. I never

1:09:46

had a friend under a throne. And

1:09:49

now you never will. She twists. You die.

1:09:55

It's just Lacey, Giovanni, and Neil

1:09:57

now. Neil's sturdy. is

1:10:00

an extremely heavy sleeper. She

1:10:02

is slow to wake. Did

1:10:06

somebody say, Neil,

1:10:08

before God? And

1:10:11

she blinks cutely and looks

1:10:14

up to whoever is

1:10:16

standing immediately over her cot. It's

1:10:19

Lacey. And she's... Oh.

1:10:22

It's Lacey from TV. It's Ozzy.

1:10:24

Lacey. Who did you fucking think

1:10:27

it was? What? It's

1:10:29

obviously Lacey, given who's still alive in

1:10:31

the room. It's a fair. And

1:10:36

she's holding a weapon

1:10:38

she hoped she would never have to use, the

1:10:41

offending toothpick that started this

1:10:43

whole terrible affair. She

1:10:47

holds it so closely to

1:10:49

Neil's eyeball and watches

1:10:51

Neil tremble. Not

1:10:55

my eyeball. No. Please.

1:11:00

Why, Lacey? None of

1:11:02

this is polite. As

1:11:05

I said, Neil, the rules don't apply to

1:11:07

me. And I

1:11:09

find that justice is

1:11:12

the kindest thing of all. Denise the

1:11:14

bird lands on

1:11:16

Lacey's shoulder and hops

1:11:19

down onto Neil, positioning

1:11:22

her beak at Neil's other eye.

1:11:25

Oh, no. She opens her mouth and says,

1:11:27

Denise! Neil, I'm going to give

1:11:29

you a choice. What?

1:11:34

Would you like me to

1:11:36

pluck your eye out like a little olive

1:11:38

at a fancy and polite dinner party? Or

1:11:41

would you like to give the honors to

1:11:43

Denise? Is

1:11:49

there a third option? Too late. They

1:11:52

go for both. Denise! Denise

1:11:56

is going at it. As

1:12:00

both eyes are punctured, holy water

1:12:02

just pours out of them. And

1:12:05

in her last moments, Neil says, wait

1:12:08

a minute, you're the bi- and

1:12:11

then dies. Lacey

1:12:14

shakes her head, placing

1:12:16

one of Neil's hard

1:12:20

eyeballs onto the edge of Ejica and

1:12:27

says, bitch,

1:12:29

it's before 10 o'clock. And

1:12:33

Lacey, you hear a strange voice, one

1:12:35

you've never heard before. It sounds like

1:12:37

it's coming from down a hallway. It

1:12:39

says there's a lot of echo and

1:12:41

reverb on it. It's, you can't quite

1:12:43

place this voice as you hear, damn

1:12:46

shame, damn shame what happened to

1:12:48

this one. She had so much

1:12:50

potential. And we cut now. We

1:12:53

zoom into your eye and we zoom back out

1:12:55

of your eye and we're in reality now. You

1:12:57

are in the same room you

1:12:59

were always in. You are still in the

1:13:01

garage. You are still tied to

1:13:03

the chair and you are clutching Ejica

1:13:06

in your hands and you are just

1:13:08

muttering to yourself, muttering the last thing

1:13:10

that you said before as

1:13:13

Maybelline Moonlight stands before you.

1:13:16

Yes, well, she was a dick to my

1:13:18

dog. That's a

1:13:20

damn shame, but this was a good one. You

1:13:22

guys brought the bounty in. It's morning, I'm gonna

1:13:24

go take her. I'm gonna collect the money and

1:13:26

the money is all yours. Thanks

1:13:28

for a good night's sleep, Ejica. I

1:13:32

always knew to trust you. I'm

1:13:35

trustworthy. Let's

1:13:38

all go to bed. Back

1:13:40

to bed? That ain't polite. Oh,

1:13:45

Tommy, you son of a

1:13:47

gun. Moose pulls out of

1:13:50

his pocket a single bullet and

1:13:52

flips it like a coin. Moose,

1:13:54

that's my game. And

1:13:57

Neil tucks into a cart and pulls

1:13:59

the... blanket overheard, knocking over

1:14:01

one of the candles that still live. I

1:14:05

know! Oh no! The fire

1:14:07

overtakes Maybelline moon ledges. Oh no!

1:14:09

I'm burning up again! Oh

1:14:12

no! Oh no! See you in two weeks

1:14:14

on Root Tales of Magic! Yay!

1:14:24

Never made it as a wise man, couldn't

1:14:26

cut it as a poor man's feeling, title

1:14:28

living like a blind man, a sicker sight

1:14:30

without a sense of feeling, and

1:14:33

this sus-rude Tales of

1:14:35

Magic! Now it's time

1:14:37

for credits! That

1:14:39

was Ali Fisher as

1:14:41

Neil, Harley Monado

1:14:43

as Ijica, Christopher Hastings

1:14:46

as Jonathan Large, Jill Appore

1:14:48

as most, Tim Platt

1:14:50

as Tommy Wessel, and Branson

1:14:53

Reese as everything and everyone

1:14:55

else, except for our special guest who

1:14:57

I'll get to in a second. Root

1:14:59

Tales of Magic is produced by Bucket of

1:15:01

Milk, edited, sound-designed,

1:15:03

and scored by Michael Wolf,

1:15:06

with additional sound designs from Michael Gelfey.

1:15:09

As always, special thanks to

1:15:11

Sidney and Benjamin Paul and

1:15:14

Tyler Button, and

1:15:16

special thanks to our guest, what did

1:15:18

I tell you, Jamie Loftus.

1:15:22

You can hear her podcast, the

1:15:24

Bexo cast, or read her

1:15:27

book, Raw Dog, The Naked

1:15:29

Truth About Hot Dogs. Well,

1:15:32

that's it for this one. See

1:15:34

you next time on Root Tales

1:15:37

of Magic, and

1:15:39

this is how you rewrite! That

1:15:53

was a Headphone Podcast.