Rum Doings episode 94 begins with quite the clanger! John's freshly appointed wife reveals she is carrying Nick's lovechild. (Also, we can't count and thought this would go out after the New Year.) Which is only appropriate, since this pre-recorded episode (as opposed to those we perform live in your ears) contains our offering advice to our listeners. Our rubbish, rubbish listeners.

John has recently discovered the splendid podcast, My Brother My Brother And Me, and as is always the way of the great artistic minds, wanted to copy it for one week. Incorrectly stating that they no longer take questions from listeners, thus attempting to fill a gap that's already filled just fine, we begin by suggesting meeting women at refuge shelters. We are keeping it classy.

How to deal with loose skin, survive a mortgage, fake your own death (and indeed get away with your own murder), things to do in the bath, how to marry cats and dogs, and then we move on to just being horrible racists as usual. We consider how much better life is if you don't live as if you're constantly about to be burgled or stolen from, and much discussion of wee. We then get a weeny bit more serious and address a final question on social anxiety disorder, with some genuinely sensible advice.

And don't take our insults too personally - we love you all, even though you're all so rubbish.