0:00

This. Is rumble strip. And this

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is the last installment of what class are

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you? At least for now. Ashley.

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Messier is the Culture of the

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Corrections Monitoring committee in the Vermont

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legislature and she's the Reentry Services

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Program Manager for Vermont Works for

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Women. She grew up in Essex,

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Vermont with an abusive father and

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with little money and she found

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herself repeating the cycle in early

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adulthood. This is a story about

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multi generational poverty and abuse and

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the temporary relief of opiates. My

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mom. Was. Fairly young when she

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had me and barely in her twenties.

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My dad was horrifically abusive even while

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I was in utero. You know, he

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pushed her down the stairs on. My

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father would never keep a job. He

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would always get fired or lose his

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job. And man, when

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I was five, my dad assaulted my mom

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and and really almost killed her And that's

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when she decided that she was going to

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leave him and so we we were a

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crap when my dad had to move out.

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And when I was seven.

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My. Father hung himself. Best

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Thing that man ever done for me and my mother. And

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so that it was me now

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living solely on Section Eight Reach

1:13

Up and Food stamps. And

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you know my grandmother tried hard to supplement

1:18

if I wanted to take gymnastics lessons. yeah

1:20

now, but I could only take like the

1:22

cheapest version and I can do it as

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much as the other girls. I wasn't as

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good as the other girls or I would

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get picked on because my mom can get

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me the name brand stuff so you know.

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as I got a little bit older and

1:36

could really start to realize because my mom

1:38

didn't talk to me about money. But.

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It's really easy when you're a kid walking

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through the grocery store. Their mom. And.

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You get to the line and you're in the

1:47

check out. And you watch the

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car and you hear the comments, you know

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things like oh god, here we go, she's

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gonna have to rip out ah, those food

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stamps One by one. Now.

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Like all other kids right, I was told that I could be

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whatever I want to be. But. How

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was I gonna get there? If.

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I can even go to a grocery store. And

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get one extra Packer cookies when I'm eight years

2:10

old that I want because we just don't have

2:12

it. Home I Ever supposed to dream

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that I can go to Harvard? How

2:16

am I supposed to dream that I can be a

2:19

lawyer and go to four years a law schools? on

2:21

top of the four years of college. So.

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You know that.then creates that dynamic

2:26

about who you hang out with.

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And so the people that I became

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friends with where people in similar situations

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you know we had. We

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are all had some trauma or

2:38

came from these kind of difficult

2:40

for matic childhoods. I mean we

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were still kids while we know,

2:44

especially in adolescence. That. If everybody in

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your friend groups get high and odds are years organ

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I to. If you have a

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group of kids that all have trauma. Broken.

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Homes: addiction, alcoholism, Poverty

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abuse, Lack of resources.

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They're gonna try to

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fill that hole somehow.

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So. We see in our you're Sneak

3:04

Out and I ambience. Wealthy kids do

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this stuff too but the consequences change.

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If I am with my friends and I'm sixty and and

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were drinking a we got caught driving. While. The

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wealth of evil can afford the fancy lawyer

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and their kids get hit formations Gonna get

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wiped off the record cause you know that

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that stays on his record. Your honor. It'll

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destroy his chances of getting into that division

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one college. You know she has a bright

3:26

future ahead Them. You know away,

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she's sorry he. Did way he dead. but

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you know we don't want to ruin his

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future of her childhood Mistake. But

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the other sixteen year old. Who

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doesn't have those. Resources. To.

3:39

The Public Defender. Who and

3:42

Vermont and everywhere else they are

3:44

underpaid and overworked. Maybe your parents

3:46

can't be with you all the

3:48

meetings? Or. They don't. They don't have

3:50

the resources, understand the law or what even

3:52

all the options are. And so they just

3:55

golf with a lawyer says. And

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the judge says, well, we need to make an

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example. Have you? You.

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Know if I just let you get off on

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as you know nobody's gonna learn their lesson you

4:05

in that group you hang out with. So.

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Then he makes the example of you and you

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do get it on your record and you everybody

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does now and you know now you can't work

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that little part time job you were working at.

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sixteen. The try to help out because you gotta

4:19

go to community service and said. That.

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Was exactly what happened for me. And

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so. You know, I

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basically got married very young. Like I said,

4:29

same age as my mom, got pregnant with

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my oldest daughter and he was. Her ethically

4:34

abusive towards me. See.

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It was relaxing on drugs so in a

4:38

money would come up missing. she would come

4:40

to my job and take my paycheck for

4:42

me before my shift was even done on

4:44

payday. And so

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what happened is as I was

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perpetuating that cycle of poverty, lack

4:51

of resources and because I didn't

4:53

other resources and feel getaway out.

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You know, we had an apartment, our

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current had a job and I was

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just trying to get through and so.

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I became trapped. You

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know, even the attempts to reach

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out to law enforcement? That

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even when that neighbors for example would call

5:14

the cops my house I didn't feel like

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I could tell them the true that I'm

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feeling like a press charges because I knew

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from what my mom went through interacting with

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the legal system that it's horrific for victims.

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And if they said I needed to move for my safety or any

5:28

of that, where was I gonna go? For.

5:30

The and ago I had to money as

5:32

just barely you know being able to take

5:34

care of what was in front of me

5:36

and so I was looking for any way

5:38

to survive. What? I was going

5:40

through. That's where

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the drug addict Simpsons and that's where me

5:45

being an addict came in because when I

5:47

was told it works faster guess we are

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again and kills all my pain. Sign

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me Up! At

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work. I.

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Snorted a pills and when it sold

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their my body went into my nose

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and into my brain and body. It

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was literally like the clouds parted in

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the sun came out. Okay,

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but. Johnny. Boozer who

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got off when he was sixteen and

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went to Harvard. His hearing it me

6:19

says you just didn't work hard enough.

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Let's. Really easy to say when you

6:25

have an experiences. Things when you

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are not living. A

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life that was almost pre determined. For

6:32

you to continue this this

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generational cycle of poverty. And.

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Abuse. I

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didn't know anything. Else. If.

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You don't know anything else if you

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haven't been exposed to resources of you

6:46

and I haven't been shown. That

6:48

there are other options. How

6:51

much? Plus another there. Had

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I have had the dollars in my bank

6:55

account, I could have bought my escape if

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I had had a bunch of money. Maybe.

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I could have left the husband because I

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would have had money to go get another

7:05

house. I would have had to worry about

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take care the kids that are hired a

7:09

nanny if I needed extra. how I got

7:11

about another car. Ah I could have hired

7:14

a fancy lawyer. I could have get done

7:16

better service for my posts from depression Rate

7:18

all these resources. They.

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All cost money. That.

7:24

Was Ashley Messier? Than

7:26

This is the final installment of what

7:29

Class Are You a series I make

7:31

periodically for Vermont Public Sank you from

7:33

a public for letting me share these

7:35

stories here. I think I'm just gonna.

7:37

Keep. Doing this series. Ah,

7:40

periodically, who is, long as it seems

7:42

useful if you have thoughts about this,

7:44

get in touch with me my email

7:46

as Rumble Strip Vermont at jemal.com and

7:48

if you've sent me an email and

7:50

you haven't heard back for me, I'm

7:53

sorry I am having a really

7:55

hard time with response times with

7:58

enough or am experiencing. Male

8:00

entropy so I apologise, just send

8:02

it again. So.

8:05

I'll be back soon with new shows! This

8:07

is Rumble Strip. America home And thanks

8:10

A for. Listening.