0:00

When you're with someone , you start putting them

0:02

into boxes . Right , this is how we talk , this is who

0:04

we are , this is what it is , because

0:06

your mind wants to do that , because it's creating comfort

0:08

. It's kind of like safety .

0:10

Yeah , it's a great point .

0:12

But there's no growth in comfort .

0:15

Have you ever wondered what makes the difference

0:17

between those couples who absolutely

0:19

love to be together and the ones who

0:21

merely tolerate each other in their old

0:23

age ? Hi , I'm Monica Tanner

0:25

, wife to a super hunky man , mom

0:28

to four kids , relationship couple coach and

0:30

intimacy expert . My goal

0:32

with this podcast is to help you and

0:34

your partner swap resentment for romance

0:37

, escape the roommate rut and nurture

0:39

a bond built on trust , communication

0:41

and unconditional love . Each

0:43

week , I'm sharing the secret strategies that

0:46

keep couples madly in love , dedicated

0:48

and downright giddy about each other , from

0:50

the honeymoon phase to the golden years

0:52

. I'm on a mission to crack the

0:54

code of happily ever after , and I'm

0:57

sharing those juicy secrets right

0:59

here , because an awesome marriage

1:01

makes life so much sweeter

1:03

. Let's get to it . Hello

1:06

and welcome to the secrets of happily ever

1:08

after podcast . I'm your host , monica

1:10

Tanner , and I'm super excited to introduce

1:13

you to one of my new friends , topaz

1:15

Adizis . Topaz

1:18

is an Emmy Award winning writer , director

1:20

and experienced design architect , as

1:23

well as the author of 12 Questions

1:25

for Love , a guide to intimate conversations

1:27

and deeper relationships , so

1:30

you can probably tell how excited

1:32

I am to have him with us today . Hello

1:34

, topaz , how are you ?

1:36

Hey Monica , Good to be here . Thanks for having me .

1:38

Of course , of course . Well

1:41

, why don't we start by just having you tell us a little bit about yourself

1:43

and your family and where you live , since

1:45

it's fun and new ?

1:48

Well , I'm a father of two . I

1:51

have a four-year-old and one-year-old , and my

1:53

wife is here and she's from

1:56

Mexico . She's from Guadalajara , Mexico , which I've been

1:58

kind of basically living

2:00

for the last five years . Before that was New York for

2:02

18 . Before that , I grew up

2:04

in Los Angeles for 18 years and we

2:07

are moving my family are moving to Uruguay

2:09

on Monday , in three

2:11

days . So we're going to give that

2:13

country and that phase of our lives , that chapter

2:15

of our lives , an opportunity

2:18

to see what happens and what's going to get rid of .

2:20

So fun Well , you I feel like you've gone

2:23

coast to coast and all over

2:25

.

2:25

Yeah , I think I'm very conscientious and intentional

2:28

with the life that

2:30

, or the experiences I'm creating for myself and my family

2:32

and my loved ones . I mean , how could I not

2:35

with the work that I'm doing ? It's really about

2:37

exploring the connections and the relationships around

2:40

me and in my life , and the

2:42

environment is an important part of that .

2:44

I love it . I love it , so tell

2:47

us about your book . 12 questions

2:49

for love .

2:51

Yeah . So 12 questions for love is really

2:53

a guide to intimate conversations and deeper

2:56

relationships . And if you think about it , where do

2:58

we learn to actually have these beautiful

3:00

conversations that will deepen your connection with

3:02

others ? And it's something that I think we

3:04

often take for granted , in that the

3:07

people that we're closest to maybe we spend the most

3:09

time with , or that we feel we're most in love

3:11

with , or that our family members

3:13

that they're just we're most intimate with , that we're closest

3:16

to , that we're in touch with the most , we sometimes

3:18

take those are the most granted because they're there . We

3:20

almost feel like they're always there . Right , I

3:22

love them . I don't have to express it , it's like it's

3:24

de facto . It's the basis of our

3:26

love . We know of our relationship , we know it , but

3:29

we don't really explore it . And there's so much energy

3:31

, there's so many nutrients , rich

3:33

nutrients , to create a more fulfilling

3:36

vital life by

3:38

exploring the relationships that are closest to you , but

3:41

we don't know how to . We don't learn that . It's not like we learned that in

3:43

school . We basically learned that from modeling

3:45

what happens in our own family or

3:47

amongst our peer groups and our friend groups and

3:51

what I've had the honor of

3:53

experiencing for the last 10 years and

3:56

actually we're starting our 11th year now is holding

3:59

the space for the end , and

4:01

what I mean by that is you bring two people into

4:03

a room together . This is what won the end mean everything

4:05

. You bring two people in the room together , we

4:08

give them questions that they ask each other and we film

4:10

it with three cameras . So there's two

4:12

cameras that are close up and one wide shot to

4:14

see both people facing each other , but we're

4:17

always showing both their faces at the same

4:19

time , and by doing that

4:21

and by filming their conversation and filming

4:23

and seeing both their faces react to each other , you

4:25

really get a sense of their connection and

4:28

the vulnerability of the conversation . And

4:30

so doing that , my team and I , for the last 10 years , we've

4:32

learned a lot . We learned about what does

4:34

it take to hold the space , to create the space , what

4:37

makes a really well-constructed question ? You

4:40

know why does this work ? Why is it that everybody comes

4:42

, can have an incredible conversation that they never expected

4:44

to have ? How do we create that ? And

4:47

that was really the impetus for creating

4:49

the book . That's what the editor asked . It's Topaz . What

4:51

have you learned from doing this ? For 10 years , we've had over 1200 couples

4:54

of all kinds , not just romantic

4:56

, but best friends and family members

4:58

, and grandparents , the grandchildren , coworkers

5:01

, right Lovers and ex-lovers have

5:03

these conversations and it comes up in the book . It's everything

5:05

is distilled in the book so that you

5:07

can have these conversations in your own life , you

5:09

can explore the relationships in your life to feel

5:11

more rich and amplify your experience

5:13

of what it means to be alive , to be human .

5:16

Oh , I love that so much . And when you

5:19

were talking about why we sometimes

5:21

take this for granted , I think a lot

5:23

of times we think proximity and

5:25

how long we've known each other , that we just know everything

5:28

about one another . Right , We've been articulate

5:31

in the same places and we've known each other

5:33

forever , and so what is there to ask

5:35

, right ? And so I think it's so important to remember

5:38

that we're growing and learning and changing

5:40

all the time . And even if we spend

5:42

24-7 with our spouse

5:44

which most of us don't we're still

5:47

experiencing the world in

5:49

a different way , depending on

5:51

how we grew up and how we see things and

5:54

all of that . And so having these conversations

5:56

are so important , Even if

5:58

you're together all the time and you've been

6:00

together forever , right ?

6:03

I mean because we spend so much time together

6:06

. We are built as humans to be , to

6:08

find comfort , to find safety . Our

6:11

mind is the biggest advocate of that . It's there

6:13

to protect you , to keep you safe , to make

6:15

you comfortable , and so when you're with

6:17

someone , you start putting them into boxes

6:19

. Right , this is how we talk , this is who we are , this is what

6:22

it is . Because your mind

6:24

wants to do that , because it's creating comfort . Right

6:26

, it's kind of like safety .

6:27

Yeah , that's a great point .

6:29

But there's no growth in comfort , right

6:31

? There's no progression , there's actually no

6:33

thrill of exploring and becoming

6:35

more expansive , and so we have to take a

6:38

little bit more of that effort to

6:40

not take our relationship for granted and step

6:42

into that discomfort for the bigger payoff

6:44

, for the bigger payoff , and

6:46

that's the thing is that if

6:49

you risk , the more you gain right

6:51

. The more you actually step into it , the more

6:53

you'll get from it . So how are we

6:55

doing that in the relationship superlives ? You go

6:57

to a restaurant . This happens all the time . You go to a restaurant

7:00

and you see there's a couple there and

7:02

they're both on their phones and they're swiping up

7:04

and down . You see a bunch of friends at the table

7:06

. They're swiping up and down . Why are they swiping

7:09

up and down ? Getting their DM , sending their emails

7:11

, whatever they're doing , Whatever you're doing

7:13

, this happens to all of us Instead

7:16

of actually sitting looking at the other person and having a conversation

7:18

. It was because you're getting all these dopamine

7:20

hits with all these new pieces of information . Every time you swipe

7:23

up down new email , open it , whatever it

7:25

is , you're getting a dopamine hit , but they're small

7:27

dopamine hits . Now , if you put that aside

7:29

and you actually know how to engage with someone , which

7:31

is basically , you create the space and you ask really

7:34

good questions , well-constructed questions

7:36

. It's going to take a little bit longer , but

7:38

the dopamine hit you're going to get is that much

7:40

more . It's that much greater . You

7:43

have to wait a little bit . You have to invest

7:45

a little bit , bring a little more conscientious

7:47

and attention to it , but the dopamine hit

7:49

you're going to get is much bigger . You're going to oh my

7:51

God , I didn't realize that about

7:54

us . Oh my God , I did

7:56

, but we never said it that way . Isn't that funny ? Oh

7:58

my God , I forgot about that memory and

8:01

you saw it this way and I saw it that way . Isn't that beautiful

8:03

about life ? We have to invest

8:05

a little bit more . We've got to bring a little more intention , and

8:08

the book and what I'm offering

8:10

people and what my team and I are offering people through

8:12

the book is this is how you can do

8:14

it . Here's the blueprint for how you can ride the bicycle

8:16

so you can play basketball

8:18

. Not just watch other people play basketball , but

8:20

you can play basketball as

8:23

allegor as an example Right .

8:25

Yeah , so good . And also

8:27

, as you were thinking , like the dopamine

8:29

hit and all of that , like I think

8:32

about how to describe the difference between

8:34

love and desire . So this

8:36

is a training

8:38

I did years ago , but I remember how

8:40

important it is . Love is about

8:42

comfort and familiarity

8:44

and , you know , knowing

8:47

the other person , being able to count on them , right

8:49

. Where desire is more about this curiosity

8:51

, this newness , this risk , right , like

8:54

what am I going to learn about you that I didn't

8:56

know before ? And it's about

8:58

and when you say speak

9:00

talking to each other in a restaurant , like that , it's

9:03

about channeling that energy

9:05

of when you were first dating and you were

9:07

first getting to know each other and you , like

9:09

you just hung on their

9:11

every word , right , you love the way they

9:13

smelled , the way they looked , like you

9:15

know the twinkle in their eye when they talked about something

9:18

that was exciting to them , right ? And the

9:20

saddest part I see with couples

9:22

is that they just lose

9:25

that . But you don't have to . You

9:27

can always call that in if you're

9:29

having good conversations , if you're showing

9:31

a healthy amount of curiosity about this person

9:33

, because there's so

9:35

much to get to know about each other all

9:37

the time .

9:39

Beautiful , I totally agree , and what I hear from

9:41

you is discovery . Right , you're

9:43

discovering the other person . You're exploring uncharted

9:46

terrain which , at the root of that

9:48

, is this curiosity like what's here , what's there ? You don't

9:50

know if you're going to fall off the cliff or not , you're going to offend

9:52

them or not or discover something new . So you're in

9:54

this new zone and we oftentimes

9:56

, as we take the past as though

9:58

it's been discovered , but it's not . It

10:00

could be re-seen , it could be explored in a new

10:02

way , and you could explore the

10:04

past with your partner . You could explore the present

10:07

with your partner in a new way that you think

10:09

. You think this is charted territory . Not

10:12

really . If you ask well-destructed

10:14

questions , different questions , you'll

10:16

explore previous terrain that you've

10:18

covered in a new way and that makes it a

10:20

rediscovering and then makes it excitement

10:22

, and that gives you more energy and more

10:24

appreciation from

10:27

the person you are speaking to .

10:31

Yeah , it's so interesting . I'm going to get vulnerable

10:33

for a second just because I

10:35

think this is so interesting

10:38

. But I remember when my husband and I were

10:40

first married and I would tell

10:42

him some stories about my past

10:44

and stuff and he would get kind of like oh

10:47

I don't know if I like that , right

10:49

, like he , he , he , it wasn't , you

10:51

know , it was kind of scary to him

10:53

or he just didn't , it wasn't something

10:55

that he was used to hearing about and things like that . And

10:58

now , like 20 years

11:00

later , we'll talk and we'll go and

11:02

we'll talk about high school experiences and

11:04

things like that . And he loves hearing

11:06

those stories . He's like tell me more . Oh , my gosh

11:08

, that's so exciting , right . And it's

11:10

just because he's grown I've

11:13

grown , our relationships grown , and so

11:15

now we can like revisit those types of

11:17

things that used to be kind of scary

11:19

and you know , you

11:21

know it would kind of throw us off balance

11:23

. And now it's like so fun to talk

11:25

about these things and explore those things and it

11:28

just it's kind of a testament to how we

11:30

grow and how our connection grows

11:32

, and then those things become so

11:34

much more fun . It's like oh , I love knowing

11:36

that about you versus like that

11:39

makes me really nervous , right .

11:41

Absolutely , absolutely . And we and we change

11:43

right , and sometimes we

11:46

follow this pattern where I've heard that story . Yeah

11:48

, I know that story . Why are you telling me that or what , or , more

11:50

importantly , why you asked me that question again ? You already

11:53

know my relationship , my mom or this story of my

11:55

life , but your husband

11:57

knows you now differently than

11:59

he did when he first met . You spent 20 years

12:01

, you've had children together , right . So now

12:03

when you tell maybe the same story , or

12:06

he asked you the same question and you tell an

12:08

answer , he understands the

12:10

context , he understands much better . So

12:13

, whereas it might have meant one thing when you first

12:15

met , when later that

12:17

you know each other that much more , that same

12:19

story means something different because the context has changed

12:22

. What I mean ? Let's give a simple example . Let's

12:24

say , the first time you go on a date , you

12:26

go on a roller coaster , right

12:28

you have this experience and you're like this person's so

12:31

fun , there's so much fun , they're

12:33

on the roller coaster with me , we're , and it's scary

12:35

. Okay , a year later

12:37

you realize , actually , that person hates roller

12:39

coasters . They never go roller coasters

12:41

but because it's the first date , they didn't

12:43

want to , you know , be scared , they want to put the best face

12:45

and they went on it . Now , on the first

12:48

day you thought this guy , this person's so much fun , they , they

12:50

go on these dude roller coasters , me great . And

12:52

a year later , oh my god , them going the roller

12:55

coaster wasn't for fun . This is actually a greater

12:57

deal of courage for them . It meant something

12:59

different . Well , you saw it at

13:01

the beginning , which was someone just jumping on a roller coaster

13:03

, was a year later , now that you understand

13:06

them . You understand they never go no closer and they have

13:08

fear . That they actually really went

13:10

beyond themselves and you didn't

13:12

realize it when you first want a date . But now that

13:14

you know them better , a year later , you look back and

13:16

that you know this is big , different , it looks different

13:19

, it's a different thing , and that pertains to many aspects

13:21

of our lives . Right , you

13:23

go over to the person's house for the first time to

13:25

see their family . Everything seems nice

13:27

and dandy on this level or not . And

13:29

then , five years later that the parents

13:32

that you met are now your parents in law , your

13:34

relationship changes . When you think back to that memory

13:36

, it changes . Now it has different meaning . Things

13:39

change because we change , but how often

13:41

do we ask the questions that explore

13:43

it ? And just by Illuminating

13:45

the experiences that we have , the changes

13:47

that we go through Illuminates and amplifies

13:49

experience of being alive , of being human

13:52

. Right , gives

13:54

us a greater sense of , but we just take it

13:56

for granted because we're protecting ourselves . Our head is there

13:58

, built to protect us , but the heart

14:00

is built to connect us . So let's provide

14:02

environments where our hearts can connect . And

14:04

that's what's in the book and that's how it's see . It's

14:06

like create the space , ask well-constructed

14:09

questions and we can get into that , like how

14:11

do you actually do that ? Maybe some of you are listening to this thing and

14:13

this guy is great . This sounds by . Let's

14:16

get to it . How do we do it Right ?

14:17

we can talk about my next question Give us

14:19

a step by step right . So like how can we really

14:22

improve or deepen our relationship

14:24

through these conversations ?

14:26

It's . It's simple and sometimes there's so much

14:29

beauty and mastery and simplicity . One

14:31

first there's two parts . A is the space

14:34

and two as well-constructed questions . So

14:36

the space what are we talking about ? Look , if

14:38

your husband comes to you this evening and

14:41

says , monica , why do you love

14:43

me ? Now you're not wondering

14:45

why you love him . The first thought is not gonna be why you

14:47

love him . You can be wondering why he asked

14:50

me this question while I'm watching TV or I'm

14:52

putting the kids asleep , or what , what not right

14:54

? What ? What is going on here ? Where ? Why

14:56

is this coming up ? What happened today that he's

14:58

? Now , if we create the space , I

15:00

eat , you're playing our car games and

15:02

he pulls out the cards and he says why

15:05

do you love me ? You

15:07

know you're not wondering why he's asking

15:10

you the question , because you know you guys

15:12

are playing a card game . He randomly chose a card

15:14

, the cards . And why do you love me ? So those

15:16

questions you're wondering about are

15:18

answered . Therefore , the space is

15:20

truly created for you to answer and

15:23

the space is also created for him to receive . So

15:26

, when we want to have a conversation with our partners

15:28

about something , let's create the space

15:31

that's bringing intention . Now , the

15:33

creating the space could be . Let's like the candles and

15:35

put music . It

15:37

could also just be laying out the intention . Hey

15:40

, I'd like to have a conversation with you , an open

15:42

one , based on curiosity . Can we take a moment

15:44

to do that ? It could be an hour , it could be

15:46

half an hour , it could be five minutes , but

15:48

just laying out the experience , creating the

15:50

space . The space is an offering

15:52

. Hey , I'd really like and oftentimes

15:55

we get in conversation . What kind of conversation

15:57

are we having ? Are we having a conversation where

15:59

we want to solve a problem , that we just

16:01

want to explore , something that I

16:03

want to articulate to you how much I appreciate you ? Why

16:05

are we having this conversation ? Let's just answer that . That's

16:08

why these card games that we sell are super

16:10

useful , because they automatically create

16:12

the space . It's a game . Oh , we're playing

16:14

a game , okay , so we're playing a game

16:16

. We're exploring , right . So

16:19

that sets the space . And then

16:22

, so that's number one . I mean , why are road

16:24

trips really great for conversation ? Oh

16:26

, yeah , because there's not much else

16:28

to do . I mean how you could play the music

16:30

, listen to the audio book in the book , but that's it . There's

16:32

nowhere to go , there's little

16:35

distractions and we got

16:37

time . How can we

16:39

replicate that in our own lives ? Without

16:41

getting in the car and going across the country or going

16:43

for a long road trip , we can do that . Some

16:46

people in houses have the

16:50

spot where they sit every night to have a sunset

16:52

, to watch the sunset or to sit

16:54

by the fire . That's why like a fireplace is

16:56

always so helpful , right ? Because there's a fireplace

16:59

there and there's kind of the invitation to

17:01

sit and look at the fire and have a conversation

17:03

. Where in your home , where

17:05

in your heart , where in the space of your relationship

17:07

, are you creating the space to

17:09

have a conversation , to be together ? So

17:12

that's as simple as creating the space and the intention

17:14

, right ? So you want to add

17:16

a little something to it . Oh , please , please . And

17:19

, by the way , you know , I'm a big fan of Terri

17:21

Real , who you're a mentor .

17:23

Yes .

17:24

So you know , I've listened to your other podcast and I just

17:26

want to acknowledge that the work you're doing

17:28

, the work he's doing , is just incredible and I'm a

17:30

big fan of it .

17:31

Have you taken the intimacy level quiz

17:34

yet ? If not , you absolutely

17:36

should . All you have to do is go to

17:39

monocatannercom backslash

17:41

quiz and take a three

17:43

minute quiz . At the end , I'll

17:45

tell you what level of intimacy you

17:48

and your spouse are at and

17:50

I'll give you next steps to

17:52

be able to increase your intimacy

17:54

. Regardless of what level you're at , you

17:57

can always make improvements

17:59

. So do yourself a favor and go to

18:01

monocatannercom backslash

18:03

quiz and learn about your

18:05

level of intimacy and how to improve

18:08

it . Oh , thank you . I

18:10

appreciate you saying that . Well , I was going

18:12

to click in here with creating the space

18:14

and I think that's so important

18:16

and like two of the ways

18:18

that I teach . And this is really interesting

18:20

because my husband and I have owned a business

18:23

together for 20 years and

18:25

we just at the beginning of this year , sold it

18:27

Congrats . And when

18:29

he was running that business . I mean , I have my

18:31

business now and he was running that

18:33

business and while he was running

18:35

that business he had a lot

18:37

of time , a lot of time and space

18:39

. We talked on the phone a lot , we texted

18:42

each other a lot , he was home a lot

18:44

, he had a lot of free

18:46

time . Now that he's sold

18:48

the business and he's taken this new position

18:50

it's very new . He's learning

18:52

a lot really fast . It's

18:56

kind of a he's on a leadership board for a

18:58

big business , so he's

19:00

learning a lot really quickly . He's got a lot

19:02

of responsibility , so he doesn't have a lot of time

19:04

. So time is like a precious commodity to

19:06

us now . And so , as

19:08

far as like making the space for these conversations

19:11

, we go on walks every

19:13

single night , 20 minutes at least

19:15

, right , we walk around the

19:18

block and the intention of

19:20

that time is hey , what

19:22

do we ? Let's connect , right

19:24

, let's put our phones down . There's no

19:26

distractions , nobody's , you know

19:28

, it's just the two of us . Let's

19:31

connect every single day . And

19:34

then tonight , as we're recording this

19:36

, it happens to be Friday night , date night , and

19:38

so I am so

19:41

guarding that that is tiger

19:43

time for me , right , I'm going to make sure that

19:45

I'm well rested , that I have a lot of energy

19:48

, that there's nothing that's

19:50

going to create any type of distraction

19:52

. For that time that I want to

19:54

spend with my husband , and I don't even care

19:56

what we're going to go do , I just want to be with him

19:58

, I want to connect , I want to have these

20:00

conversations and I just want to be

20:02

like , hey , what's tell

20:05

me all about ? Like what you're

20:07

doing and I you know , and I'm

20:09

going to tell you what I've been doing , what I've been dealing

20:11

with this week and all the things that are

20:13

happening . Right , because

20:16

we've created that space and it's non-negotiable

20:19

daily , weekly .

20:21

Beautiful , beautiful , I love . I mean you

20:24

must have a very healthy

20:26

relationship and I might be that a resilient

20:28

relationship . If you are dictating

20:30

, not dictating , if you're allocating , committing

20:33

to 20 minutes every day plus

20:35

a date night , that's a lot of time , that's

20:37

beautiful , especially with four kids . It's beyond

20:39

.

20:40

It's literally 3%

20:42

of the time that you actually have .

20:44

Right , but that just I think it's

20:46

the intentionality that you put in the and

20:48

you can . You can distill

20:51

a lot of energy and intention

20:53

in short amount of time . It's like , what are you doing

20:55

with that time ? But I think you

20:57

said you don't care what you do on the date night , you're just

20:59

together . I think that's wonderful . But I do

21:01

suggest that people not to take the date night for granted

21:03

and actually do things that are different

21:06

. If you went

21:08

on the date night tonight and you asked your partner

21:10

, your husband , when

21:13

was the first time you knew , I knew I

21:15

loved you ?

21:18

That is a good question . I will

21:20

ask him that tonight .

21:21

Yeah , do you know that ? Just

21:24

asking different questions , what

21:27

is your favorite now ? Because what's

21:29

your favorite memory from your worst relationship ? I

21:33

mean , that's not to say about your relationship , but that's a nice

21:35

one , that's a ret . You know what about

21:37

? If we ask

21:39

each other questions that we rarely

21:42

ask or that are different , that are connecting

21:44

different pieces , two

21:47

ideas that we rarely put together ? That creates a space for

21:49

a lot of exploration which we lead into

21:52

like what makes a good question . But what I suggest

21:54

is when we go on date night , let's do something

21:56

that we don't always do . If

21:59

we go to the same restaurant for efficiency

22:02

and sense of comfort , great , but when we sit

22:04

down , let's have a different kind of conversation

22:06

every week . Or let's go to a different

22:08

place and do something totally different every time

22:10

. There's been research that shows it really helps

22:13

in a relationship is doing things that are new to both

22:15

parties and doing it together . That

22:18

revitalize , creates new forms of connection , and

22:20

we could do that in the forms of action , but also

22:22

in questions and conversation .

22:24

Yes , I love that and you know

22:26

what ? One of the biggest purposes

22:29

of date night is to make memories

22:31

together . Right Like I like to think of

22:33

when my husband and I are really

22:35

old and we're sitting out on the porch swing like

22:37

watching our grandkids play in the lawn , like

22:39

what are the memories we want to have ? Right

22:42

Like I don't , you want

22:44

to be creating those memories all the time

22:46

. So date night is a wonderful time

22:48

to do new things , explore

22:51

new things , like so that you're sitting out on that

22:53

porch swing and you're like remember when we did

22:55

that thing .

22:56

Absolutely . And even the date night is a great

22:58

way to reinforce the memories that happened in the

23:00

week that you didn't have a chance to really sit

23:03

in . Right , your kids are there , they say

23:05

something really funny . You look at each other , you go , oh

23:07

my God , and then you raise off

23:09

. You haven't had a chance to talk about it . There are date night . You

23:11

go . Do you remember that happened Monday night ? Wasn't that

23:13

incredible ? You could share your point of view

23:15

, share their point of view , point of view . What was happening

23:17

there is , you are reinforcing

23:19

that thread of connection to

23:21

that memory so

23:24

that in 20 years , in 30

23:26

years , you'll remember it that much more . Right

23:28

, my wife and I have a book every year

23:30

. It's a calendar book and every time

23:32

something happens , a memory worth remembering

23:35

, a challenge , worth remembering , anything

23:37

that we don't want to forget . We write in the book

23:39

on the day that happened . And what's great is

23:41

now I have four or five of these books

23:43

every year and I can go back and

23:46

I'll remember memories I totally forgot

23:48

, right , but that reinforces

23:51

the idea that my connection

23:53

with my partner and , matter of fact , everybody in my

23:55

life , every connection is unique

23:57

, creates unique synergies of experiences

24:00

. Right , the date

24:02

night you're going to have tonight with your husband would be very

24:04

different if it was somebody else the

24:06

same time it would be different . Just because

24:08

the synergy of who you are , that

24:10

there's something to be said about reinforcing that through conversation

24:13

.

24:14

Yeah , you know what I was thinking . This is really interesting

24:16

. Tell me about this this morning . So

24:18

this is going to date me . But

24:21

when my husband and I were first dating

24:23

, the cell phone plans

24:25

right , you didn't just have unlimited minutes

24:27

, it costs every single

24:30

minute you talk to each other and we were long

24:32

distance . He was in Idaho and I was in Texas

24:34

and after

24:36

nine o'clock you got three minutes and

24:39

I remember how excited

24:41

. I used to get at nine

24:43

o'clock . I'm sure that my schedule was totally

24:45

clear , like I would move mountains

24:48

to be available at nine o'clock .

24:50

so that I could talk to him right , and the butterflies

24:52

.

24:52

This went crazy and I was like , oh my gosh , this is my

24:54

favorite time , right , and we would

24:56

talk into the wee hours of the morning . And

24:58

so I was thinking about , like

25:00

, really honestly , my husband and I I

25:02

was out of town for five days with one of my daughters

25:05

and then this week has been insane . I really

25:07

haven't seen my husband . So I'm like counting

25:09

down the minutes to date night and

25:11

I'm like I am going to be so available , I'm

25:14

going to have all that energy and I can

25:16

feel the butterflies already . Like , oh

25:18

my gosh , I'm going to get them all to myself

25:20

. It's like it like at the after nine

25:22

o'clock , right .

25:23

How long is your date night ?

25:25

Well , I always say at least three hours , but

25:27

I mean so you

25:29

know , be wonderful , monica .

25:30

Well , for me I may not be good

25:32

, but what if you guys had the conversation of

25:34

12 questions ?

25:35

I would love that .

25:37

Let me know how it goes . Let me know how

25:39

it goes . I'd love to hear semi

25:41

message how it goes . I mean , that's one thing you

25:43

guys could experience . Is would be interesting .

25:46

Do you have like a download or anything

25:48

Is like yes , those 12 .

25:51

Yeah , the skin deep , dark . Oh yeah , we have it . Right

25:53

now there's a free download for the 12 questions for

25:55

love challenge , so you can get all 12 there . And

25:59

then we have other digital kids and tool kids

26:01

for eight night and activities

26:03

. But yeah , we , that's

26:05

. That's beautiful . I really acknowledge

26:08

you for so conscientiously creating this space . But no

26:10

surprise , considering your training

26:12

and experience and what you offer the world , that you're

26:14

also walking the walk with your partner . That's

26:16

. That's very important .

26:18

Well , I've spent a lot of time , kind of like

26:20

you , doing research . What I

26:22

love to do is talk to couples that have

26:24

been married for 50 years or longer and

26:27

just to still down those secrets of

26:29

happily ever after and that's one of them . They

26:32

still look at each other with

26:34

the same type of like excitement

26:37

and passion as they did when they first met

26:39

, right . And how do you keep that

26:41

going over decades and decades

26:43

of time ? Is you have to be

26:45

able to channel that energy . You have to

26:47

be curious about each other . You have to , like

26:50

, get excited about who is

26:52

this person that I'm married to , right .

26:55

What comes up for me when you say that is the idea that we

26:57

have to also know that that love and see

26:59

you're talking about , when you look them in the eye and there's excitement , that

27:01

feeling also changes . It's not the same

27:04

feeling you have when you're waiting for nine o'clock

27:06

to hit so you can talk to your partner . You know to your husband

27:08

and I don't You're a fiance or boyfriend in Idaho

27:10

, who's now your husband in 20 years

27:12

and father of your kids that excitement

27:14

and passion is different . It's a different

27:16

one , and do you acknowledge it ? Are you

27:19

still harping back on the way it used to be

27:21

or are you paying attention to how it is now

27:23

and how it's changed ? Because

27:25

the reflection of you being able to acknowledge

27:27

was changing your relationship and your feelings is

27:29

also acknowledgement of how you've changed

27:31

. So it's self reflection of

27:34

I'm not the same person I was a year

27:36

ago , two years ago , 10 years ago . I

27:38

might be a little bit older , I might have a little more wrinkled

27:40

, I might be a little bit older . You know less

27:42

energy , but isn't that beautiful too ?

27:44

Oh , it just gets richer and richer with time

27:47

, right .

27:48

It can't . I think so unless we're you

27:50

know , if you choose to let it be , if

27:52

you , you know , if you

27:54

say , oh my God , I don't , it's

27:57

not what it used to be , OK

27:59

, let's just say like oh so why don't we have the same passion

28:01

we did when we were first dating ? Why don't

28:03

we have ? Is that a healthy question ? Why

28:06

don't we have this ? Because our mind is built to

28:08

protect us . It will answer any question you give

28:10

it .

28:10

It's so true .

28:12

Right . So why

28:14

not ask really good questions , right

28:16

? So you know , I like to compare

28:19

your mind

28:21

to a dog . Your mind will chase

28:23

any stick you throw it , and the stick is the question

28:25

. Any stick I throw , if I throw

28:27

the stick in the pond , in the muddle , in the inside

28:30

, in the mud , the

28:32

dog's gonna go into the mud and get it . So

28:34

what's the question that throws a stick in the mud ? Why

28:37

do we fight so much ? Okay

28:39

, you asked your question . Your mind is gonna

28:41

answer it . Give you a whole laundry list of

28:43

reasons . Why do we fight so much ? Is that really

28:45

helpful ? No , is that

28:47

really what ? If we ask , what if we change and throw the

28:49

stick up on the hill ? It's got a nice view

28:51

and that form of question

28:54

would be what's our biggest challenge right now ? And

28:56

what is it teaching us ? And

28:58

even make that question better is don't that question

29:00

was the biggest challenge in our relationship

29:02

? And what is it teaching us ? When you ask that , it's

29:05

puts the other position as the arbiter

29:07

of truth . So tweak it and

29:09

say what do you think ? Or

29:11

what do you feel is our biggest challenge ? Or

29:13

what do you think it's teaching us by saying that

29:16

they're

29:18

no longer the arbiter of truth . It says their opinion

29:20

, it's their feeling , puts you more

29:22

in equal setting . But ultimately it makes that

29:24

question a lot more empowering and has a lot

29:27

more constructive

29:29

to your relationship , cause you're not looking for all the negative

29:31

things that are disempowering . You're looking for things that

29:33

we can empower and make us better . So when you

29:35

ask yourself questions or in a relationship

29:37

, there's five things that make it really

29:39

good and we can go into that but- .

29:41

Yeah , I do . I would love to , cause

29:44

I love the idea of giving your brain

29:46

really good problems to solve , cause I agree

29:49

with you , your brain will get

29:51

. Your brain will find whatever

29:53

you give it to look for . So if

29:55

you can wake up and give your mind

29:57

good problems to solve

29:59

, you're like gonna be so much

30:01

more effective all day long . So let's talk

30:03

about good questions we can give our brains to solve

30:06

.

30:07

Well , there's five aspects , in my opinion

30:09

, that make good questions

30:12

, well-constructed questions , when it comes

30:14

to a relationship . First , don't

30:16

ask binary questions . Do

30:19

you love me , yes or no ? Yes , are

30:24

you happy in this relationship , yes or no ? Like

30:26

just to know . Questions are not helpful , right

30:29

, because doesn't my opinion

30:31

? It just does not create their space for exploration , doesn't

30:34

a space for the nuance , right

30:37

, and it can end the conversation with yes or no

30:39

. That's one . Two is we've

30:41

been saying , make them constructive . You

30:43

know , create a way that

30:45

it puts you in a more empowering position , right

30:49

, so make them constructive . Three

30:51

is , offer them as gifts

30:54

, not as an agenda . When

30:57

you know this sometimes you mean

30:59

the listener you know when you're being asked

31:01

a question that puts you against the wall , you can

31:03

feel it in your body and there's

31:05

like defense factors that comes up . Maybe you're a little

31:07

resentful , especially when someone asks

31:09

you a question they already know the answer to . Right

31:12

, in the law profession they say they

31:15

tell lawyers don't ask a question you don't know the

31:17

answer to . So

31:19

that's something that her and that they say . So

31:22

, in terms of relationship , you don't wanna be asked a question

31:25

that you feel the person already has

31:27

an answer to . You feel

31:29

almost like you're being tested . So

31:31

don't offer questions that

31:33

you're testing the other person . You wanna ask questions

31:36

as an offering , as a gift that's

31:38

rooted in curiosity , not

31:41

an accusation or a test or

31:43

right , or that one has

31:46

an agenda behind it . So ask questions

31:48

that is rooted in curiosity and offered as a gift

31:50

and an openness . Why

31:53

do we fight ? Why

31:56

are you angry at me ? Well

31:59

, that sounds kind of accusatory . Why don't we

32:01

offer as curiosity ? Why

32:04

do you think I feel , or why do you think I sense , that

32:06

you're a bit angry at me ? You

32:08

know that's putting them in my shoes , asking

32:11

. So that's really helpful . Fourth

32:14

one is let's connect things that are unexpected , and

32:17

there's two ways to do that . One is putting people in your

32:19

shoes , them in your shoes , swapping

32:21

shoes . So what do you think is the hardest thing ? Being

32:24

your friend , monica ? I ask you that question

32:26

. Then instantly , you're gonna put yourself

32:28

in your friend's shoes and kind of look at yourself and say what

32:30

is the hardest thing ? Being my friend ? Okay , what

32:33

do you think is the hardest thing for me ? Being in our relationship

32:36

? What

32:38

you know ? When do you feel I feel

32:41

most seen by you ? Are

32:43

you gonna answer that by putting yourself in my shoes . So asking

32:46

the questions that put someone else in your shoes or

32:48

you in their shoes is helpful , and also can

32:51

. The other version of that's unexpected is connecting

32:53

two ideas that don't usually come together . So

32:55

an example of that would be how does conflict

32:57

make us better ? We

32:59

don't often think of conflict as something that improves

33:01

us right . Or

33:03

on a personal

33:06

level , you could say how much does earning money cost

33:08

me ? What does earning

33:10

money you know what does earning money

33:12

or my pursuit of earning money cost me ? Mm-hmm

33:16

? You can ask questions that do

33:18

not usually come in . It's like connecting

33:20

two different neural nodes in the brain that are not usually

33:22

connected . Ask the question you find your brain

33:25

will find the connection to them . So that could be helpful and

33:27

also a great way to explore . And then

33:29

the last one is this

33:31

is something that's often overlooked , but

33:33

it's really helpful to ask the question . That

33:36

acknowledges the connection between you

33:38

and the person you're having the conversation with

33:40

. That it acknowledges the connection . What

33:43

I mean by that is if I

33:45

ask you what

33:48

scares you the most , and

33:50

your husband asks you , monica , what scares you the

33:52

most ? And your best

33:54

friend or your daughter says or the stranger

33:56

on the street says what scares you the most ? You'll

33:59

most likely answer this question the same way . You

34:01

know it's snakes . Snakes scare me the most

34:03

. Okay , but if I asked you

34:05

instead , one that acknowledges our connection , the

34:08

other says what do you think scares us the

34:10

most ? Or what do you

34:12

think scares me the most that doesn't scare you

34:14

? That acknowledges our connection

34:16

. And you'll answer that differently than

34:18

if I ask it . Your husband asked it or the stranger on the street

34:21

asked it . So when you're asking the question

34:23

, try to make sure that they're not binary . They don't

34:25

have an agenda , they're constructive , they're connecting

34:27

something that's unexpected and

34:29

they're acknowledging the connection between

34:32

you and the other person . Now , a

34:34

great question has all five aspects , but

34:36

you don't have to do that . Just bring a few of those traits

34:38

into the question and it helps .

34:41

So good , that's awesome and

34:44

yeah . So those are great questions

34:47

when you're in conversation with

34:49

another person , but those are also linking

34:51

it back to what we were just talking about . Those

34:53

are great questions to give your brain right

34:56

, because one of your brain's main

34:58

functions like we've kind of been talking about

35:00

is to notice problems right , and

35:02

a lot of times your brain is gonna land on

35:04

a problem that maybe is probably not

35:06

a problem for you . Like you might walk in and go oh

35:08

, this laundry room is so small , like sure

35:11

it's a problem , but not like one to try

35:13

and solve right this moment . Right , but

35:15

a great . If you . I feel

35:17

like , as you were talking , if you use

35:19

the elements of this question like what

35:22

can I do today that would show

35:24

my partner how much I

35:27

love and cherish them ? Right

35:29

, that's gonna give your brain something

35:31

really awesome to look for . It's

35:33

constructive , it's not yes or no

35:35

, it has no agenda

35:38

. Besides , you want to show your partner how

35:40

much you care about them and it acknowledges

35:42

that connection , right . So so

35:45

many elements of what you

35:47

just said makes for a

35:49

really productive day if you can

35:51

wake up and go . What

35:54

problems do I want to

35:56

solve today ? What

35:59

problems is my brain just going to arbitrarily

36:01

come up with me , for me today , right ?

36:03

Absolutely , and I would swap the word productive

36:06

for impactful Impact Right . And

36:09

the reason I say impactful is because I think

36:11

oftentimes in our society we are so focused

36:14

on being productive which is another way of saying

36:16

we're always trying to have answers , and

36:19

I think we need to spend more time with questions , because

36:21

what's really at the heart , why am I being so

36:23

productive ? Maybe I'm being so productive and I

36:26

don't mean to harp on this , but as an example

36:28

of a core understanding , a

36:30

learning that I've learned from watching all these conversations

36:33

, is we need to stop looking for answers . We

36:35

need to create better questions , because

36:38

we're so kind of on the societal programming

36:40

, these cultural mantras of behavior

36:42

and thought that we're and asking ourselves these

36:44

questions , that we're not spending the time

36:46

to go deeper . And the way to go

36:48

deeper is to ask better questions . And

36:50

what you said of asking yourself that question , these five

36:52

aspects , is wonderful . You

36:55

wake up in the morning and go oh my God , I have to do this and

36:57

that today . Wait a second . You

36:59

just ask yourself a bad question what do I have to do today ? But

37:01

what hard thing do I have to do today ? What if you stopped

37:04

, instead of having that reaction ? That answer

37:06

is to a question . You change a question

37:08

and say what you said . How can I enlighten

37:10

my partner today ? I know I have a tough

37:12

day , but what's the one thing I could

37:14

do in the five minutes or the 20 minutes we have before

37:17

the morning breakfast just

37:19

to lighten my partner up ? Your

37:22

brain will find the answer and that will create a more

37:24

impactful day .

37:25

Oh , I love that so much

37:27

, so I've been wanting to ask you this question

37:29

what are we missing when it

37:31

comes to relationships these days

37:33

?

37:35

Consciousness , gratitude

37:37

, intention . We

37:40

need to be more conscientious and be

37:42

more gradually the relationships that we have , by

37:45

being aware that we need to put a little more

37:47

effort into them , and it's not that because

37:49

the payoff can be that much more , because

37:51

the payoff can be so much more .

37:53

I love that . I love that . Okay

37:56

, so , Topaz , I asked this to all of my guests

37:58

that come on my podcast . But if you had

38:00

the undivided attention of all the couples

38:02

in all the world for just

38:05

a few minutes , what's the very best

38:07

advice you could give them about deepening

38:09

their relationship through important

38:11

conversations and asking good questions

38:13

?

38:14

We don't need to have conversations that have answers . We

38:18

don't need to have answers . We

38:20

don't even need to have a conversation . What

38:23

we need to do is sit in the space together and

38:25

ask the questions . We don't need to answer them

38:27

. When you play the end , one of

38:29

the rules is you don't need to answer any question you don't want

38:31

. It's actually not necessary

38:33

. What is necessary

38:35

is that we ask the question and that we sit

38:37

in the space together , because what's

38:40

fundamental in a relationship , in my opinion , is

38:42

that we hold the space for each other , even

38:45

in discomfort . And

38:47

when we go to therapy which could be very helpful

38:49

or when we go to therapy , the therapist

38:51

is holding the space and the therapist is asking the

38:54

questions . So

38:56

then , when we go back home , in our normal lives , we

38:58

don't necessarily not as practice , at holding the space

39:00

for each other and asking the questions , and

39:03

this book and this offering is here's

39:05

an experience . I'm not replacing it for therapy

39:08

, by no means . What I'm saying is another practice , an important

39:10

practice of learning how to ride the bike yourself

39:12

, and by riding the bike I mean holding the space

39:14

for each other , is being

39:16

there and asking the question , and if

39:18

you don't talk about it . Your minds

39:21

, each of your individual minds , are

39:23

thinking about what is my

39:25

answer to the question ? What is their answer

39:27

to the question ? We're all doing this in our heads

39:29

, right Even when we say , oh , let's talk about it later or

39:32

let's just sit in silence and ask the questions and

39:34

sit in each other's presence and just practice

39:38

holding the space for each other , because

39:40

that's what creates resilient , vibrant

39:42

, fulfilling relationships , in my opinion .

39:45

Awesome . Thank you so much for your time

39:47

today . It's been really fun to chat with you

39:50

and get to know you better . Tell

39:52

the listeners where they can find you and learn more

39:54

and get your book .

39:56

The book is available on hardcover , ebook

39:59

and audiobook . Anywhere you get your books , so

40:01

you know it's everywhere and

40:05

to find out more information about me and my team

40:07

and what we do , go to theskindeepcom , and

40:10

our social media tags are all theskindeep , so

40:13

that's where we're all at and we really appreciate

40:15

. I really appreciate . I want

40:17

to tell you , creating a space and a platform

40:19

for me to share the book and in this information

40:22

with everyone . Thank you so much .

40:24

Yeah , thank you so much as well . If

40:28

you had as much fun as we did just now

40:30

, I hope that you'll head over to your favorite

40:32

podcast player and leave a rating

40:34

and review for the show or share

40:36

it on social media . That's how other

40:39

people can find this awesome content

40:41

and we can spread the message that happily ever

40:43

after is possible . Feel free

40:45

to check out my website , monnecatannercom

40:48

to find out more ways you can work with

40:50

me and , as always , thank you

40:52

so much for spending this time with me . We'll

40:54

see you next week .