0:02

Have you ever wondered what makes the difference

0:04

between those couples who absolutely

0:06

love to be together and the ones who

0:08

merely tolerate each other in their old

0:10

age ? Hi , I'm Monica Tanner

0:13

, wife to a super hunky man , mom

0:15

to four kids , relationship coach and

0:17

intimacy expert . My goal

0:19

with this podcast is to help you and

0:21

your partner swap resentment for romance

0:24

, escape the roommate rut and nurture

0:26

a bond built on trust , communication

0:28

and unconditional love . Each

0:31

week , I'm sharing the secret strategies that keep

0:33

couples madly in love , dedicated

0:35

and downright giddy about each other , from

0:37

the honeymoon phase to the golden years

0:40

. I'm on a mission to crack the

0:42

code of happily ever after , and I'm

0:44

sharing those juicy secrets right

0:46

here , because an awesome marriage

0:48

makes life so much sweeter

0:50

. Let's get to it . Hello

0:53

and welcome to the secrets of happily

0:55

ever after podcast . If you're listening

0:57

in real time , today is the last

1:00

episode of 2023

1:03

. And for today's episode , I went

1:05

back into the archives and I

1:07

found an episode that I felt

1:09

like would set you up for success

1:12

in 2024

1:14

. In it , I am talking

1:16

about three thought patterns

1:18

that , if you believe them

1:20

, will keep you stuck

1:23

and miserable , and

1:25

I tell you exactly how to

1:27

reverse them . So enjoy

1:30

this repeat , revamped

1:33

episode and I will see

1:35

you in 2024

1:38

. I'm

1:40

super excited about our topic today

1:42

. We're going to be talking about three

1:45

thought patterns that will keep you

1:47

stuck and miserable

1:49

, alright . So for today's episode

1:52

, I , like I said , I'm going

1:54

to be talking about three thought

1:56

patterns . Now , the thing about thought

1:58

patterns is that they're absolutely

2:01

optional . Now there are facts

2:03

and circumstances that are things

2:05

around us that can't be changed . They're

2:07

things that nobody's going to fight you on , because

2:09

they're facts . For example , it's raining

2:12

outside , or the desk

2:14

is blue , or my husband

2:16

has his own business . Those are all facts

2:19

. They can't really be changed , but

2:21

thought patterns can be

2:23

changed , and so the importance

2:25

of recognizing these thought patterns

2:28

which is why I'd like to point them out to you

2:30

is that whenever you're ready to

2:32

change them , you have absolute

2:35

power to do that , but you have to be

2:37

aware of them first , and

2:39

most people don't realize

2:41

that they're thinking in a certain way

2:44

, and it creates behaviors

2:46

in their life that are not giving them a

2:48

desired outcome . So I'm going to

2:50

point these certain thought patterns

2:52

that I hear all the time . People

2:54

come to me all the time and they want help with

2:56

their relationship , and they're thinking in these

2:58

certain thought patterns and once

3:00

we start to point them out to people

3:03

, then they have control . They

3:05

can be like oh , that's that thought

3:07

pattern coming up again and they can change

3:09

them and instead of being stuck

3:12

and miserable , they can get

3:14

closer to that happily ever

3:16

after that they're searching for . So

3:18

thought pattern number one that is probably

3:21

keeping you stuck and miserable

3:23

is what I like to call the if

3:26

then cycle . So this

3:28

is very apparent when

3:31

people start thinking if my

3:33

spouse would only do this thing

3:35

or stop doing this other

3:38

thing , then I could

3:40

be happy . So if you

3:42

recognize this , it

3:44

comes in lots of different forms . You

3:46

could think if my spouse would

3:48

stop looking at porn , if

3:51

my spouse would help around the house

3:53

more often , if my spouse would take

3:55

me out on dates , then I

3:57

could be happy , then I would

3:59

feel loved , then I would

4:01

feel much better about my marriage

4:04

right Now . The problem with this if-then

4:07

thinking is that A we

4:09

can't control our partner right

4:11

, and most people give

4:13

away their power to be happy

4:15

or content to forces

4:18

outside of them and especially

4:20

other people . We don't want to be giving

4:22

away our power

4:24

or control to be happy to

4:26

other people , because the truth is

4:28

the only person we have 100%

4:31

control over is ourselves

4:33

. We can't ever control our partner

4:35

. We can't control our children or our

4:37

best friend or our parents or our

4:39

teachers or our coworkers we

4:41

really can't . And so the most miserable

4:43

people I see are the ones who

4:45

spend all of their time trying to control

4:48

how other people show up and

4:50

behave and they start to think that if

4:52

these people would only do these certain

4:54

things , then then they could be happy , or

4:56

then they could be successful , or then

4:58

they would feel loved . Right ? The problem with

5:00

that is that we are giving

5:03

away all our power to that other person

5:05

or to that something outside of us . Right

5:07

? If we start making a lot of money , if

5:09

we get that house or if you know

5:11

, whatever the thing might be that's outside

5:14

of our control , then

5:16

we will be satisfied or happy

5:18

or successful or whatever that might be

5:20

. So when you start to

5:22

think thoughts like

5:25

my happiness exists outside

5:28

of me , then I want you

5:30

to slow down and recognize that you

5:32

have absolute , 100%

5:34

control over whether you choose to

5:37

be happy , regardless of what

5:39

anyone else , especially your spouse

5:41

, is doing or not doing

5:44

. You can be happy in your own

5:46

circumstances whenever you

5:48

choose to be , and the reality

5:50

is , is that you're the only

5:52

person that gets to control whether

5:54

or not you're happy or successful

5:56

or satisfied or have enough , and

5:59

so when you start to recognize that , then

6:01

you show up differently in the relationship

6:03

. You stop waiting for other people to

6:05

start or stop doing things and

6:07

you just respond accordingly

6:10

. Now recently , I went

6:12

to a popular Facebook

6:14

group about marriage that I frequent

6:16

and that there was a question posed

6:18

If you could change anything about your

6:20

spouse , what would it be ? And there were

6:22

hundreds and hundreds

6:25

of answers listed in that

6:27

Facebook group , and I thought to myself , what

6:29

a shame . Each and every single

6:32

person that answered that question

6:34

is in some form

6:36

of that . If then cycle , right , they're

6:39

all focused on what they would

6:41

like their spouse to change , when

6:43

what they should be focused on is

6:45

how they can change and

6:47

respond differently to whatever

6:50

the stimulus from their spouse is

6:52

. So instead of focusing so much attention

6:54

on I wish I could change this thing about

6:56

my spouse . If they would just say when

6:58

my spouse does this , I will respond

7:01

in this way , so that stinking

7:03

thinking if then cycle will

7:06

keep you stuck and miserable

7:08

. But as soon as you start to recognize

7:10

that , as soon as you realize

7:13

that you're thinking . If , then , you

7:16

can take your power back and just decide

7:18

I'm going to be happy no matter what

7:20

my spouse does , and I'm going

7:22

to allow my spouse to just

7:25

be 100% who they

7:27

are and I will be happy regardless

7:29

. If that means creating boundaries

7:32

or making requests or

7:34

anything like that , then absolutely

7:36

go for it . But stop thinking

7:38

if they do this or if they

7:40

stop doing this , then I can be happy

7:42

, because that's absolutely not true

7:45

and it's keeping you stuck and miserable , all

7:47

right . The second thought

7:49

pattern that's keeping you stuck

7:52

and miserable is what I call martyr

7:54

mentality . Now , this one

7:56

is a big one . That happens especially

7:59

in my family . I've noticed

8:01

when my husband and I get in a big argument

8:04

, it's usually when he

8:06

is stuck in this sacrifice

8:09

thinking or martyr mentality . But

8:11

I see it a lot in my practice

8:13

with especially wives

8:16

who feel like they've sacrificed

8:18

so much so that their husband

8:20

could go to school or get

8:22

a certain accolade or

8:25

build a business or whatever , and they

8:27

start to think I've sacrificed so

8:29

much and now I'm getting nothing in return

8:31

. So it can be like this big general

8:34

area like that , like I've sacrificed

8:36

so much and now I'm not , like living out

8:38

my own dreams . Or it can be in small

8:40

little areas , like my husband usually will come

8:42

home and the house is a mess and

8:44

he'll think what have you done all day I've

8:47

worked and now I'm coming home and I'm cleaning

8:49

the house and I'm taking care of the kids and you're

8:51

doing nothing right ? That usually sparks

8:53

our biggest argument and

8:56

I call it martyr mentality . So

8:58

whether it's like overall general in

9:00

your life , you're not living your dreams and

9:02

you feel like you've had to sacrifice so

9:04

much for where you're at , or if

9:06

it's just in a smaller area

9:08

of your life , like I'm always the one

9:10

that has to do this or that and I'm

9:12

not getting any type of return on

9:14

it . This often happens when we're talking

9:16

about sexual intimacy as well

9:18

. A lot of husbands will come to me and they'll

9:21

be like I work so hard , I

9:23

do all of these things . I help around the

9:25

house , I take care of the kids , I do

9:27

all the sports and at the end

9:29

of the day my wife is so tired and never

9:31

pays any attention to me , like I get that

9:33

all the time . Or like I

9:35

said with wives A lot of times I'll

9:38

get I stayed home with the kids . I've

9:40

sacrificed my own education and my

9:42

own dreams , and now I'm really not getting

9:44

anything in return . So this

9:46

martyr mentality often

9:49

will keep us stuck and

9:51

miserable . So what can we do about

9:53

it ? How you taking the intimacy

9:55

level quiz ? Yet ? If not

9:58

, you absolutely should . All

10:00

you have to do is go to monocatannercom

10:03

backslash quiz and

10:05

take a three minute quiz

10:07

. At the end , I'll tell you what level

10:09

of intimacy you and your spouse

10:11

are at and I'll give you

10:13

next steps to be able to increase

10:16

your intimacy . Regardless of

10:18

what level you're at , you can always

10:21

make improvements . So do yourself

10:23

a favor and go to monocatannercom

10:25

backslash quiz and learn

10:27

about your level of intimacy and

10:29

how to improve it . Well

10:32

, the first thing is , instead of

10:34

just being the martyr and feeling

10:36

so bad like you've sacrificed everything

10:38

, this is a good time to open up a

10:40

line of communication with your partner and

10:42

just say hey , these are

10:45

my requests . I feel

10:47

like I spend an imbalanced

10:49

amount of time doing dishes and

10:51

cleaning up the house and taking care

10:53

of the kids , and so maybe

10:55

we could revisit

10:58

how we've separated

11:00

these chores out or something , so

11:02

that maybe it will feel a little bit more

11:05

balanced . So that's something

11:07

you could do in the smaller areas . In

11:09

the bigger areas you can communicate maybe

11:11

. Like , hey , I feel like for years

11:13

I've stayed at home with the kids while you

11:15

went out and got an education and had

11:18

this career and all the different things , and

11:20

I would really like to pursue something . But

11:22

I wouldn't just blanket

11:24

say that without having a plan

11:26

. If you've thought about it and you've

11:28

decided that you have a certain dream

11:30

like for me , it was to do this marriage

11:32

coaching , right . Like I realized

11:35

that I had this dream , that

11:37

I wanted to start a podcast and write a book

11:39

and do this marriage coaching , because

11:41

it was something inside of me that was

11:43

calling to me . It felt like a calling

11:45

that I needed to pursue , right . And

11:47

so I remember when I started talking to my

11:50

husband about it and sharing with him

11:52

my dreams and my goals , and the thing about

11:54

it was is they're not his dreams

11:56

and goals . Like when I say I

11:58

wanna speak from stages and I wanna write

12:00

a book and I wanna be interviewed on podcasts

12:03

, to him that sounds horrible

12:05

. He doesn't share those same dreams at

12:07

all . And the thing is is

12:09

he doesn't have to share those dreams

12:11

. He's supportive of me and he loves

12:14

me , but just because that's

12:16

my passion doesn't mean it has

12:18

to be his passion . So don't fall into

12:20

the trap that if your spouse doesn't get

12:22

really passionate about what

12:24

you feel passionate about , it doesn't mean that

12:26

they love you any less or they're not supportive

12:29

of you . It just means that they don't share

12:31

your goals and dreams and the beautiful

12:33

thing is they don't have to . So

12:35

don't fall into this martyr mentality

12:38

that your spouse needs to get

12:40

really excited about all the things you're excited

12:43

about and share all your dreams and goals . The

12:45

beautiful thing about being married and

12:47

making room in your marriage for both of

12:49

you , thus creating an intimate

12:51

friendship , is that you can have goals

12:53

and dreams that are separate and apart

12:56

from their goals and dreams , and you

12:58

can share those dreams with each other

13:00

, support each other , but you don't

13:02

have to actually get

13:04

real passionate and excited

13:06

about their dreams and goals

13:09

. That's actually what

13:11

adds a lot of passion and character

13:13

and fun to a marriage is when each

13:15

of you has separate dreams that

13:18

you can share with each other but

13:20

not expect the other to

13:22

share . Does that make sense ? So martyr

13:24

mentality never works out very

13:26

well . So if you feel yourself thinking , oh

13:29

, I'm sacrificing so much

13:31

for this relationship . I'm the only one working

13:33

on it . I'm the only one that does this stuff

13:35

around the house . I'm the only one that hasn't

13:38

gotten to go after my own dreams

13:40

and goals . I want you to think twice

13:42

. I want you to take a deep breath and I want you to

13:44

think about what's actually going

13:46

on , because a lot of times

13:48

you're seeing only what you're looking

13:51

for . So if you're looking for the fact

13:53

that you've been sacrificing and

13:55

you're the martyr , then you're gonna find proof of

13:57

that , of course . So I want you to take

13:59

a step back , look at it again

14:01

from a different perspective , be open

14:04

to sharing your feelings and thoughts

14:06

with your spouse and also to

14:08

seeing their perspective , because it's

14:10

probably different than yours . So

14:13

that's how you combat kind of

14:15

that martyr mentality . So that's

14:17

the second thought pattern

14:19

that we get stuck in that keeps us

14:21

miserable . And then the third

14:23

and final thought pattern

14:25

that keeps us stuck and miserable that I'm gonna

14:28

be talking about today is this we're

14:30

too busy to invest in our

14:32

relationship , and I get this all

14:34

the time when I talk to couples who

14:36

come to me and they feel like they've

14:38

lost that loving feeling or

14:41

their marriage isn't as strong

14:43

as they want it to be . I'll ask them are

14:45

you dating ? And I'll say , oh no , we're

14:47

so busy . Or I have

14:49

a Facebook group and I often ask

14:52

people when they join my Facebook group

14:54

is what is the biggest thing you're struggling

14:56

with in your marriage , or what would you like to

14:58

learn from me about marriage

15:00

? And a lot of times they'll say we don't

15:02

have time or how to juggle all

15:05

the things in our life , or we're just

15:07

too busy to work on our relationship

15:09

. Now , that is definitely

15:11

a thought pattern that keeps people

15:14

stuck and miserable , and the truth

15:16

is is that we all have

15:18

the exact same 24

15:20

hours in a day , right ? It doesn't matter how

15:22

much money you have , it doesn't matter

15:24

how many followers you have on social

15:27

media , how powerful you are

15:29

or what your job is every

15:31

single one of us , living

15:33

, breathing humans on earth we all have

15:35

the exact same amount

15:38

of time in the day . Nobody

15:40

gets preferential treatment here , right

15:42

? So to say we're too busy

15:45

, or our kids are too young

15:47

, or we're too involved in this

15:49

or that to invest in our

15:51

relationship is really a cop

15:54

out , because when you start to look

15:56

at your calendar , the truth is

15:58

is you have a lot more control

16:00

over where you spend your time

16:02

than you really think . So if I

16:04

were to look at your calendar and your

16:06

to-do list , I would get a pretty

16:09

good idea of what you value

16:11

. Most people make time for

16:13

dentist appointments and meetings

16:15

with clients and volunteering

16:17

at their kids' school . Right , you're going

16:20

to put your important things that you

16:22

can't miss in your calendar

16:24

. So if I were to look at your calendar

16:26

, will I see date

16:28

night every single week ? Now

16:30

, of course , people are going to tell me we have

16:33

young kids . We don't have money

16:35

for a babysitter . The truth

16:37

of the matter is , if you put

16:39

date night down in your calendar

16:41

every single week , so three

16:43

hours out of the 168

16:46

hours that every single one

16:48

of us have , nobody gets more

16:50

, nobody gets less , right ? So you have

16:52

168 hours in a week . And

16:54

if you were to mark off a standing

16:56

appointment with your partner for three

16:58

hours every single week , it doesn't

17:00

have to be expensive or elaborate or

17:02

far from home . I have tons

17:05

of cheap or free date night ideas

17:07

. You can send me a message

17:09

and ask me for that free download

17:12

. I've made a list of 102

17:14

cheaper , free date night ideas . I made a list

17:16

of 51 questions you can ask

17:18

your spouse to get to know them better . You

17:20

could create a three hour block

17:22

of time where your kids are watching a movie

17:24

, or you put them to bed early or they're playing

17:27

at the neighbor's house , where you could

17:29

just sit down and ask each other questions

17:31

. You could make dinner . You could do

17:33

some fun game together

17:36

right , there are so many possibilities

17:38

, but it's not going to happen if you don't

17:41

prioritize it . You have to just make

17:43

the decision to invest in your

17:45

relationship , invest time in

17:47

your relationship . You have to choose

17:49

to put date night on the calendar every week

17:51

. You have to choose to put your partner

17:54

on your to-do list , meaning , if you

17:56

have a lot to do and you

17:59

want to remember to text

18:01

your spouse and get excited about

18:03

date night , or pick up something

18:06

that they might like at the store , or

18:08

call them in the middle of the day and ask

18:10

them how their meeting went , or

18:12

write them a little note of appreciation

18:15

. There's tons and tons and tons

18:17

of things that you can do for your spouse . All

18:20

you have to do is jot yourself a little

18:22

note on your to-do list and then

18:24

do it . So when couples

18:26

tell me that they're too busy

18:28

, all that means is that

18:30

they've chosen not to prioritize

18:33

their relationship . And the danger of

18:35

this comes in the words of

18:37

a good friend that I met at

18:39

a networking event , and usually

18:42

when you meet somebody for the first time you

18:44

exchange names and pleasantries

18:47

, and then when I tell people what I do

18:49

, I remember she said oh man , when

18:51

I was in my early

18:53

30s and we had small children

18:56

, I was crossing the street one day with

18:58

my husband and a bus turned

19:00

the corner and we had to like scurry

19:02

across the street , otherwise we would

19:04

have gotten hit . And later that day my husband

19:07

said to me if that bus was

19:09

going to hit us , you would have saved our

19:11

children and our career and you would

19:13

have just let me get run over . And

19:15

it struck her to the core

19:18

. But as they grew older

19:20

in their relationship and they started

19:22

facing challenges like their kids were leaving

19:24

home and their parents were getting older

19:26

and they started to have these health scares

19:28

, she realized that they hadn't

19:30

put enough time and energy

19:33

into their relationship and they decided

19:35

to split up . And she got

19:37

a little bit teary and she's like I wish I

19:40

had met you years ago

19:42

. It might have not been too

19:44

late . So I tell you that only

19:46

so that you'll recognize that

19:49

you can choose right now

19:51

to prioritize your relationship

19:53

. You do have that much control

19:56

over your time or you can

19:58

choose not to and take your chances

20:00

that when challenges start

20:02

to come and you need

20:04

the strength of that relationship , if

20:06

you haven't properly invested

20:09

time , energy , financial

20:11

resources into your marriage

20:13

, it might not be able

20:15

to stand the test of those

20:17

challenges . So whenever you hear

20:19

yourself thinking I'm too busy for

20:22

date night or to connect with

20:24

my spouse for a couple of minutes or

20:26

to be intimate with them , I want

20:28

you to really think about the fact that

20:30

nobody gets more than 24 hours in

20:32

a day and you can choose how

20:35

you spend that 24 hours . So if you're

20:37

giving everybody else your time , if

20:39

you're volunteering on several PTAs

20:42

and you're being the soccer mom and you're coaching

20:44

all the teams and you're staying late

20:46

after work and you're not prioritizing

20:48

date night , then you're choosing to

20:51

be too busy for your relationship

20:53

. But with the same amount of energy

20:55

, you can choose to invest

20:57

time and energy into your marriage

21:00

. So that is the third

21:02

, and I like to call all of these stinking

21:04

thinking right . All three of these

21:06

thought patterns are stinking thinking

21:09

, and so when you find yourself falling

21:11

into that . If then cycle , or

21:14

that martyr mentality or

21:16

that I'm too busy kind

21:19

of hurriedness , I want

21:21

you to stop and remember that

21:23

Monica said these are all

21:26

preventable thought patterns

21:28

that are keeping me stuck . Simply

21:30

go to and there is a way

21:32

out of it . So if you need

21:34

help with changing

21:37

these thought patterns , I want

21:39

you to book an appointment to

21:41

talk with me . I do complimentary

21:43

30 minute sessions to see

21:46

if you're a good candidate for

21:48

marriage coaching Now . I've had the

21:50

opportunity to coach lots of couples

21:52

through these different types of mentality

21:55

and onto a much stronger

21:58

relationship and a more intimate

22:00

friendship . That's bulletproof . That

22:02

stands the test of time . If

22:04

you're interested in all in

22:06

that type of coaching there

22:15

, you will be able to fill out a simple form

22:17

and book a 30 minute consultation

22:20

with me . So thank you guys so

22:22

much for joining me . If you think this episode

22:25

would be helpful to any other couples that you

22:27

love , be sure to share it . You

22:29

can do that by clicking on , like the three

22:31

little dots , and they'll be like a share episode

22:33

. Or you can go to iTunes and leave

22:35

me a rating and review that helps others

22:38

find this content and

22:40

we will be here next week same

22:42

time , same place and until

22:45

then , have courage , be kind

22:47

and stay on the brighter side . If

22:49

you had as much fun as we did just now

22:51

, I hope that you'll head over to your favorite

22:54

podcast player and leave a rating and

22:56

review for the show or share it on

22:58

social media . That's how other people

23:00

can find this awesome content and we can

23:02

spread the message that happily ever after

23:04

is possible . Feel free to check

23:06

out my website , monnecatannercom

23:09

, to find out more ways you can work with

23:11

me and , as always , thank you

23:13

so much for spending this time with me . We'll

23:15

see you next week .