0:00

I want you to recognize that there

0:02

are times to employ the skills

0:04

for business , there are times

0:07

to employ the skills for parenting

0:09

and there are times to employ

0:11

the skills for loving each

0:14

other . Have you

0:16

ever wondered what makes the difference between

0:18

those couples who absolutely love

0:20

to be together and the ones who merely tolerate

0:23

each other in their old age ? Hi

0:25

, I'm Monica Tanner , wife to a super

0:27

hunky man , mom to four kids , relationship

0:30

coach and intimacy expert . My

0:33

goal with this podcast is to help you

0:35

and your partner swap resentment for romance

0:37

, escape the roommate rut and nurture

0:39

a bond built on trust , communication

0:42

and unconditional love . Each week

0:44

, I'm sharing the secret strategies that

0:46

keep couples madly in love , dedicated

0:49

and downright giddy about each other , from

0:51

the honeymoon phase to the golden years

0:53

. I'm on a mission to craft the

0:55

code of happily ever after , and I'm

0:57

sharing those juicy secrets right

0:59

here , because an awesome marriage

1:01

makes life so much sweeter

1:04

. Let's get to it . Hello

1:06

and welcome to the secrets of happily ever after

1:08

podcast . I'm your host

1:11

, monica Tanner , and in today's

1:13

episode , I'm excited to share with

1:15

you some thoughts I have on transitioning

1:18

between working

1:20

, parenting and

1:23

being a lover to your

1:25

sweetheart . So I

1:27

had a whole nother episode prepared

1:29

for this week , and then

1:31

I spoke at a conference full

1:33

of entrepreneurial couples who work

1:36

together and I shared

1:38

my partner framework , one

1:41

area of which I talk

1:43

about transitions , and

1:45

when they were talking about

1:48

it at the end and everybody

1:50

was giving their key takeaways , so

1:52

many people talked

1:54

about the section of

1:56

transitions and how challenging

1:59

that's been for them . And then

2:01

, on my way home from the conference

2:03

, I was flooded with

2:05

emails and messages with

2:08

people asking for

2:10

more information on these transitions

2:12

, so I decided to do a whole podcast

2:15

episode on it . But before we get

2:17

started , I want to invite

2:19

you to a special

2:21

three day challenge that

2:23

I'm going to be hosting starting

2:26

on Monday , march 4

2:28

. So we're going to be doing a live

2:30

three day challenge , all about how

2:33

to seduce your spouse . So

2:35

I will be including ways

2:37

in which you can transition from

2:39

parent to lover

2:42

in this three day challenge . In

2:45

order to join us , you're just going to go to wwwmonicatanorcom

2:50

backslash sys

2:52

challenge . That stands

2:54

for seduce your spouse , and I promise

2:57

you're going to love

2:59

what I have in store for

3:01

you on how to

3:04

increase the intimacy

3:06

between you and your spouse

3:08

in the everyday moments

3:11

. So I'm going to be talking about

3:13

how to seduce your spouse , just

3:15

not on the big occasions

3:17

, but just in the everyday

3:19

. So make sure you join us for that

3:21

. So

3:24

when we talk about

3:26

the importance of transitions

3:28

, I want you to think about if

3:31

there's ever a time when

3:33

you start talking to your

3:35

partner at home and

3:37

all the sudden , your spouse

3:40

starts trying to solve

3:42

your problem , when , in

3:44

fact , all you're really looking for

3:47

is someone to just

3:49

empathize with you

3:51

or listen or

3:54

be a sounding board , without

3:57

needing to solve anything

3:59

. Or Is

4:02

there ever a time when you

4:04

are ready to start getting cozy

4:06

in the bedroom and

4:09

your spouse is not into

4:11

it because they are thinking

4:13

about either their to-do list , the

4:15

kids or something completely

4:17

off topic ? So

4:20

the reason why this happens

4:22

is because you

4:25

or your spouse is not intentionally

4:28

transitioning between

4:31

the different skill sets required

4:33

for A being

4:35

successful outside the home meaning

4:38

business or entrepreneurship or

4:40

whatever it is that you do to bring

4:42

home income

4:44

to your family versus

4:46

in a parenting

4:48

type setting versus

4:51

in your connected

4:53

, loving , intimate

4:56

romantic relationship . So

4:59

the thing is is that there are

5:01

different skill sets required

5:04

in each of these different areas

5:06

of your life . Now , even if you

5:09

don't know what the

5:11

skill sets are for the different areas

5:13

. It's important just to understand

5:15

that there are different skill

5:18

sets required to be successful

5:20

in business , versus parenting

5:22

, versus loving , and

5:25

one of the things you're going to learn

5:27

in the seduce your spouse challenge

5:29

is some of these different

5:32

skill sets required to be a good

5:34

, loving , romantic

5:36

partner to your spouse . But

5:39

one example I love to give

5:41

is of a couple

5:43

that I recently had the opportunity

5:45

to work with , and when they came

5:47

to me , the wife's primary

5:50

complaint was that

5:52

she didn't feel like she had a voice at

5:54

home . She felt like her husband

5:56

was constantly making

5:59

plans or decisions

6:01

about things that would happen in the household

6:03

and that she didn't get any say

6:05

. And as we dug into

6:08

this a little bit deeper , I

6:10

learned that as a

6:13

profession , the husband

6:15

was a pilot , and

6:17

so when he made decisions , he

6:19

was not used to ever

6:21

being questioned , because

6:23

when you have the lives of hundreds

6:26

of passengers , as

6:28

well as flight attendants and your co-pilots

6:30

, in your hands , if

6:33

there needs to be a decision

6:35

made or a new plan of attack

6:37

, the pilot decides

6:39

what's going to happen , and there's not

6:42

time for the co-pilot to

6:44

question . They just need

6:46

to carry out the plan , and

6:48

so this is what this husband

6:50

was used to at work . He

6:53

was actually very decorated

6:55

and getting promoted

6:57

quickly because of his

7:00

ability to make good decisions

7:02

under pressure . However

7:04

, when he came home and

7:06

started ordering his family

7:09

around as if they

7:12

were in a high stress situation

7:14

and there was no time to question the

7:16

plan , his family

7:19

didn't appreciate that

7:21

, and so we

7:23

worked together to learn

7:25

different skill sets . So

7:28

, while making quick decisions

7:30

and being able

7:32

to quickly convey

7:35

the plan to everyone

7:37

around you is important when

7:40

you're flying a commercial airplane , being

7:43

able to take influence from

7:46

your wife and your children or

7:49

those loved ones around

7:51

you as an important skill

7:53

set when you're at home

7:55

. So what gained this man

7:58

? Lots of respect in

8:00

his vocation wasn't

8:02

necessarily gaining him any respect

8:04

at home . So in order

8:07

to gain the respect

8:10

of his family , he

8:12

needed to learn new and

8:14

different skill sets to

8:16

employ . Now , I

8:18

often run into

8:20

this type of scenario

8:24

because I tend

8:26

to work with entrepreneurs

8:28

, leaders , who are used

8:31

to getting a lot of respect at work

8:33

from the people who work

8:35

for them . When you're in charge

8:37

of a team , people

8:40

tend to listen to you . They tend

8:42

to not question you . They

8:44

tend to just jump into action

8:47

as soon as you tell

8:49

them what to do , whereas

8:51

when you come home , one

8:53

of the beautiful and humbling parts

8:56

about having small children or

8:58

teenagers and

9:00

a loving spouse is

9:02

that they challenge you . They

9:04

don't necessarily listen to you

9:06

. And when you're at work

9:09

, you gain

9:11

success and

9:13

wealth by solving

9:16

problems , by streamlining

9:19

systems , and when

9:21

you come home , that's not necessarily

9:24

the goal . Chaos in

9:26

your business needs

9:28

to be fixed , while

9:31

chaos in your home is

9:34

not necessarily a problem

9:36

to be solved or a system

9:39

to be streamlined . Most

9:41

of the time , chaos at home

9:43

is just to be

9:45

endured , and

9:48

I know that doesn't sound very

9:50

sexy , but

9:52

being able to be present

9:54

and available , especially

9:58

to your significant other when

10:00

there's chaos at home , is

10:02

a huge virtue being

10:05

able to listen without fixing

10:07

, being able to support without

10:10

trying to streamline , being

10:12

able to comfort and

10:14

give your partner a nod saying

10:16

I'm right here with you . I

10:18

get this is so hard , but

10:21

it's not gonna last forever , and I'm

10:23

right here with you . So

10:26

there's less managing and

10:28

more just being there and

10:30

present and enjoying

10:33

the fleeting time

10:35

that you get to spend with these

10:37

kids and these teenagers

10:39

and these little people that are challenging

10:42

you in every sense of the word . Have

10:45

you taken the intimacy level quiz

10:47

. Yet If not , you absolutely

10:50

should . All you have to do is go to

10:52

monocatannercom backslash

10:55

quiz and take a three

10:57

minute quiz . At the end I'll

10:59

tell you what level of intimacy you

11:01

and your spouse are at and

11:04

I'll give you next steps to

11:06

be able to increase your intimacy

11:08

. Regardless of what level you're at , you

11:11

can always make improvements

11:13

. So do yourself a favor and go to

11:15

monocatannercom backslash

11:17

quiz and learn about your

11:19

level of intimacy and how to improve

11:22

it . So one way

11:24

I like to talk about making

11:26

a transition from the

11:28

skill sets that you're gonna use that

11:30

are gonna make you successful outside of

11:32

the home , versus the skill sets

11:34

you're gonna use inside of the home is

11:36

what I like to call my Mr Rogers

11:39

principle , and I've talked about this in

11:41

past episodes . But

11:43

just to review

11:45

, when I was growing up I used

11:47

to watch the show called Mr Rogers

11:49

Neighborhood and Mr

11:51

Rogers used to come onto the set

11:53

that was all set up like a home and

11:56

he'd come from outside to

11:59

inside as he was singing a

12:01

song and he would go

12:03

over to the coat closet and he would take

12:05

off his blazer and put on a house

12:07

sweater and then he would sit

12:09

on a bench and he would change his

12:12

shoes from kind of outdoor tennis

12:14

shoes to more indoor

12:16

slippers , and that was

12:18

an outward physical

12:20

representation that he was making

12:23

a transition from whatever

12:25

it was that he did outside of the

12:27

home to being inside of the

12:29

home , where he taught us about sharing

12:31

and caring and being kind

12:34

. And so I often recommend

12:37

that , when you

12:39

work outside the home , that you

12:41

find some sort of physical

12:43

transition from the

12:46

things that you do outside of the home

12:48

that make you successful to

12:50

being present and available

12:53

at home . This

12:55

means using your active listening

12:57

skills . This means , when

12:59

your children or

13:01

your spouse is telling you the story

13:04

of something that happened to them during the day

13:06

, that you suppress

13:08

your tendency

13:11

to try and fix it and

13:13

instead let the person

13:16

who's talking to you know that

13:19

you trust them to figure things

13:21

out . Maybe you could

13:23

ask hey , do you want me to just listen

13:25

, or

13:27

would you like me to help troubleshoot with you ? And

13:31

oftentimes they'll tell you no , I totally know

13:33

what to do , I just need someone to listen

13:36

. Or yeah , you're really

13:38

good at solving problems like this . I

13:40

would love your suggestions about it . Right , that

13:44

way , you're never trying to solve a problem that the person

13:46

who's talking to you doesn't

13:49

need solved by you . That's

13:52

probably the biggest and

13:54

most important skill that

13:57

you would use inside your home when

14:00

you're with the people that you love , is

14:03

conveying to them that

14:05

you trust them to figure it out , unless

14:09

they're asking for your help , in

14:12

which case go ahead and fix away

14:14

, however

14:17

, remembering that your children and

14:20

your spouse are not your employees , so

14:23

you don't get to get upset when

14:25

they don't take your recommendations

14:27

. You just get to support

14:29

them unconditionally . So

14:32

that's the transition , whether

14:34

you're going from outside the house to inside

14:36

the house , or for me , I work at home

14:38

, so I am one way

14:40

in my office and then I physically

14:43

transition by taking these earrings

14:45

off when I leave

14:48

my office and go from

14:50

business mode to mom

14:52

mode . So if you can find

14:55

a physical representation of your transition

14:57

, that's really good . Now

15:00

let's talk for a minute about

15:02

transitioning from home mode

15:05

to lover mode , because

15:07

that's a huge one that

15:11

oftentimes , especially

15:14

the women that I work with , struggle

15:17

with this transition . It's

15:19

hard to turn your brain

15:21

off , especially

15:23

when women's brains are wired

15:26

to be thinking about a lot

15:28

of different things at once . Everything

15:30

we do as females is

15:32

interconnected . The way I like

15:35

to describe this is like a computer

15:37

with a whole bunch of tabs

15:39

open at the top . I

15:41

go through my day thinking

15:44

about the things on my to-do list

15:46

, the things I'm doing for my business , what

15:48

needs to be done around the house , what's

15:51

for dinner , planning

15:53

our upcoming vacation . These

15:56

are all tabs that are open in

15:58

my mind , and so before

16:00

I can feel really sexy

16:03

and give my undivided

16:05

attention to my partner , I've

16:08

got to be able to shut some of those

16:10

tabs down . So , as

16:12

a good partner , if

16:14

you want my undivided attention

16:17

my best recommendation

16:20

is that you help

16:22

me close down some of those

16:24

tabs Now . A lot of times

16:26

that involves a

16:28

good kind of offloading

16:31

conversation where I have

16:34

the opportunity to tell you all the things I'm

16:36

thinking about and , instead of

16:38

trying to fix them because we're still

16:40

not in fixing mode you

16:42

just listen and

16:44

empathize by saying , yes

16:46

, oh , my gosh , that sounds so hard , or

16:49

I think you handled that really

16:51

well , or what can

16:53

I do to make that easier for you , right

16:55

, so you can listen while

16:57

I offload and close those tabs

16:59

? Another recommendation

17:02

if your spouse isn't particularly

17:04

helpful with closing

17:06

down those tabs , now

17:08

I want you to be able to ask for help

17:10

closing down tabs , but

17:12

if your spouse isn't around to help you close

17:14

down those tabs , I have

17:17

lots of recommendations

17:19

for ways in which to

17:22

bridge the

17:24

gap between all

17:27

of the things that you have , all of

17:29

the tabs that you have open in your mind , and

17:32

being able to clear them out and make room

17:34

for romance . One

17:36

of these ways is called

17:39

sensual meditation , and

17:41

that's where you take 10

17:44

to 15 minutes and

17:46

you just ground yourself . You can

17:48

do it in a comfortable position in your

17:50

room or in your bed and

17:52

you just turn on music that you

17:54

like and you surround

17:57

yourself with sensations that you enjoy

17:59

and you just think

18:01

about getting in the

18:03

mood for a little bit of romance

18:06

. You can also do this with

18:08

a good nightly routine that

18:11

maybe includes a hot bath

18:13

or a walk around the block

18:15

. There are so many

18:18

ways to transition

18:20

between boss mode

18:22

, parent mode and lover

18:24

mode . The key is

18:27

to be intentional . It's to recognize

18:30

that you need to be able to bring

18:32

a different part of your brain

18:34

on board to be successful

18:37

in these three different areas

18:39

. Now , a physical representation

18:42

of moving from parent mode

18:44

to lover mode could be undergarments

18:48

or some certain

18:50

article of clothing or

18:52

makeup or jewelry or

18:55

cologne . That activates

18:58

the idea that now

19:00

it's time to unwind , to

19:03

get close to your partner , to

19:06

connect emotionally , physically

19:08

and sexually , because

19:10

this level of connection

19:12

is so important

19:14

, not only emotionally

19:17

for the two of you as a couple , but

19:20

physically for your health

19:22

, for your well-being , mentally

19:26

that you know you have a safe

19:28

place , haven to go

19:30

, where you can just be

19:32

yourself . There are so

19:34

many stress-relieving benefits

19:38

of connecting passionately

19:41

with your partner . So

19:43

being aware of these different transitions

19:46

over the course of 24

19:48

hours is something

19:50

that you can do to really

19:52

hone in your relationship and

19:55

reignite the passion

19:57

that the two of you feel for

19:59

each other . Because oftentimes , when I

20:01

talk to couples , it's like Groundhog's

20:04

Day they work , they

20:06

do their responsibilities

20:08

at home and then they go

20:10

to bed , wake up and do it all

20:12

over again , and many of

20:14

times your left thinking did I

20:16

give my partner any

20:18

of the best of me today ? And

20:21

so , if you get anything from this

20:23

episode , I want you

20:25

to recognize that there are times

20:27

to employ the skills for business

20:30

, there are times to employ

20:32

the skills for parenting and

20:34

there are times to employ the

20:36

skills for loving each other . Now

20:39

you can also be

20:41

very mindful of

20:44

making boundaries around

20:47

your time and around different

20:49

spaces . For example

20:51

, date night is always

20:53

a wonderful way to demarc

20:56

time or

20:58

dedicate time to

21:01

being a couple . Daily

21:03

transition is a great way

21:05

to daily set apart

21:08

time to be a couple Different

21:11

rooms in your house like , for me

21:13

, the office is for business

21:15

, the kitchen living room

21:17

area is for parenting and

21:19

my bedroom is for sexy

21:22

time . So be

21:24

aware of different transitions and

21:26

different things that can set

21:28

apart those areas for

21:31

the different activities that

21:33

are really important to

21:35

you and your marriage . I

21:38

want you to start having these conversations

21:40

with your spouse . What are you

21:42

doing to transition between

21:45

professional mode , parent

21:47

mode and sexy mode ? All

21:50

right , and if you want further

21:53

training and

21:55

specifically how

21:57

to go from business and parenting

21:59

mode to sexy mode , make

22:01

sure you join us for the seduce

22:03

your spouse challenge starting Monday

22:05

March 4th , and make

22:07

sure you join us next week . Same

22:10

time , same place and

22:12

until then , happy marriageing . If

22:15

you had as much fun as we did just now

22:17

, I hope that you'll head over to your favorite

22:19

podcast player and leave a rating and

22:22

review for the show or share it on

22:24

social media . That's how other people

22:26

can find this awesome content and we can

22:28

spread the message that happily ever after

22:30

is possible . Feel free to check

22:32

out my website , monnecatannercom

22:34

to find out more ways you can

22:36

work with me and , as always , thank

22:39

you so much for spending this time with me

22:41

. We'll see you next week .