0:00

If you're thinking that

0:02

maybe you've reached

0:04

a point in your marriage where you're like , ah

0:07

, things are okay

0:09

, but I feel like they could

0:11

be better . I feel like we're missing

0:13

something , you're probably right

0:16

and

0:18

I want you to know that nothing has gone

0:20

wrong . Have

0:23

you ever wondered what makes the difference between

0:25

those couples who absolutely love

0:28

to be together and the ones who merely tolerate

0:30

each other in their old age ? Hi

0:32

, I'm Monica Tanner , wife to a super

0:35

hunky man , mom to four kids , relationship

0:38

coach and intimacy expert . My

0:40

goal with this podcast is to help you

0:42

and your partner swap resentment for romance

0:45

, escape the roommate rut and nurture

0:47

a bond built on trust , communication

0:49

and unconditional love . Each

0:52

week , I'm sharing the secret strategies that

0:54

keep couples madly in love , dedicated

0:56

and downright giddy about each other , from

0:58

the honeymoon phase to the golden years

1:01

. I'm on a mission to craft the

1:03

code of happily ever after , and I'm

1:05

sharing those juicy secrets right

1:07

here , because an awesome marriage

1:09

makes life so much sweeter

1:11

. Let's get to it . Hello

1:14

and welcome to the secrets of happily ever

1:16

after podcast . I'm your host

1:18

, monica Tanner , and I

1:20

want to dig into a topic today

1:23

that I have found as

1:25

I have been coaching clients

1:28

and reading your messages

1:31

, either by email or on

1:34

messenger , of the challenges

1:36

that you guys are facing

1:39

and things that are keeping

1:41

you stuck . I've

1:43

noticed that many

1:46

of the pitfalls and challenges

1:48

stem from one

1:51

of three scenarios

1:54

, which I've lovingly dubbed

1:56

as intimacy death

1:58

traps . As I've gone

2:01

over years

2:03

of working with different clients

2:06

, who all present with

2:08

different presenting

2:11

problems or are

2:13

reaching out to me

2:15

about something , I've

2:18

noticed that they seem to all

2:20

fall into one of these three

2:22

categories . So today

2:25

I want to address

2:28

these three intimacy

2:30

death traps as I see them

2:32

and kind of set us up

2:34

to talk about my

2:37

five step framework for breaking

2:39

out of these

2:41

intimacy death traps . Now

2:44

I want to keep

2:46

this episode short , so today

2:48

I'm going to talk about the three intimacy

2:51

death traps and then next week

2:53

I'll give you this five step

2:55

framework for how to get

2:57

out of them or how to

2:59

start dealing with them . So

3:02

I feel like it's important to

3:04

kind of know what you're up

3:06

against . If you're thinking

3:09

that maybe you've

3:11

reached a point in your marriage where

3:13

you're like , ah , things

3:15

are okay , but I feel

3:17

like they could be better , I feel

3:19

like we're missing something

3:21

, you're probably right and

3:25

I want you to know that nothing

3:27

has gone wrong . So

3:29

this is a perfectly natural

3:32

part of any long

3:34

term committed relationship , and

3:37

so it's important to kind of acknowledge

3:40

and see what

3:43

might be causing these

3:46

feelings . So I wanna

3:48

set it up by just saying that no matter

3:50

how long you've been married , whether

3:52

it's just for a few days or

3:54

a few years or even a few decades

3:57

, at some point

3:59

every single one of you

4:01

met and fell in love and

4:04

decided to spend your lives

4:06

together , and in

4:09

that beginning stages

4:11

of your relationship you probably

4:13

thought what could go wrong . I'm

4:15

madly in love with this

4:17

person and

4:19

you probably felt some sense

4:21

that as long as you loved

4:24

each other fiercely , nothing

4:26

would ever stand in the way . But

4:29

maybe you experienced

4:32

after the idaeus

4:35

that life started to happen

4:37

and this perfect specimen

4:39

that you married

4:42

all of a sudden became extremely

4:44

human . Like you started to notice

4:46

their flaws , maybe some gross

4:48

habits and all kinds of weaknesses

4:51

that perfect happily

4:53

ever after got a little

4:55

bit clouded . So I wanna

4:57

talk about these death traps

5:00

where passion , intimacy

5:02

and romance go to die

5:04

, because I want you to know what

5:06

you're up against . It

5:08

takes effort and

5:10

intention I'm saying this all

5:12

the time to create a really

5:15

great marriage . Now

5:17

you might have a cordial

5:19

marriage or a mediocre

5:21

marriage or a tolerable

5:24

marriage by accident , but

5:27

a great marriage takes

5:29

intention and effort . So

5:31

if you're experiencing any

5:34

of the things I'm about to talk about again

5:36

, I want to ensure you that nothing has

5:38

gone wrong . This is the

5:41

only way to get

5:43

where you wanna go . You

5:45

have to go through these challenges together

5:47

in order to create the type of intimacy

5:50

, passion and connection that

5:52

we all long for , and we're

5:54

not taught these skills anywhere

5:57

else . But a great relationship

6:00

is just a set of skills

6:02

. No one is born

6:04

with the ability to be in a good

6:06

relationship or not . You're not

6:08

predestined to have a great relationship

6:11

. We just either decide to

6:13

learn the skills and apply them or

6:15

we don't . It's that simple . So

6:18

the first intimacy

6:21

death trap that I want to address

6:24

is unrealistic

6:27

expectations . So when I

6:29

first got married , I had all kinds

6:31

of crazy ideas about how I

6:33

needed to be the perfect wife , the

6:35

perfect mother , the perfect

6:37

entrepreneur and the perfect

6:40

housekeeper . It all

6:42

stems back to when I was growing up

6:44

and I saw my parents divorce

6:47

and my grandparents divorce , and a

6:49

lot of my friends parents were divorced

6:51

as well , and so when I

6:53

first got married , while

6:55

I wanted it to last forever . I

6:58

kind of had one foot in my marriage

7:00

and one foot out the door because

7:02

I thought that if I

7:05

wasn't perfect then

7:07

my husband would probably leave

7:09

me . It was a horrible thought to

7:11

have , but it haunted me

7:13

for the first several years of

7:16

my marriage . Now , about

7:18

seven years in , with

7:20

three very small children

7:22

, a growing business and a house to

7:24

maintain , I was exhausted

7:27

, overwhelmed and far from perfect

7:29

at anything . There was very

7:32

little room for intimacy

7:34

because I had completely

7:37

unrealistic expectations of

7:40

how I should be managing this . My

7:42

husband should be showing up for me and

7:45

what a good marriage actually

7:47

should look like . So

7:49

here's what I eventually learned

7:51

Almost every single incidence

7:54

of divorce can be traced back to

7:56

unrealistic and unmet

7:58

expectations . It's

8:01

waking up and realizing this

8:03

is not what I thought it would be and

8:06

then not getting the support you need

8:08

to fix it . In my situation

8:10

specifically , I was so

8:13

ashamed of these feelings

8:15

that I had that my marriage wasn't

8:17

perfect that I didn't

8:19

ask for help and support for so

8:22

long . The good

8:24

news is that if you're

8:26

listening to this podcast , I assume

8:28

you are looking for solutions

8:32

, support and

8:35

the skills necessary to

8:37

fix it . But the first

8:40

step is acknowledging

8:42

and recognizing what your

8:45

unrealistic expectations are

8:47

and where they came from . So

8:50

here's a tip Anytime

8:53

you're thinking in shoulds , woulds

8:56

or coulds like

8:58

my spouse should

9:00

be doing this If

9:03

only we could manage

9:05

this , or

9:07

the perfect scenario would

9:10

look like this then

9:12

you're probably dealing with an expectation

9:15

. So your work

9:17

this week , before

9:20

I give you that five step

9:22

framework to break free

9:25

from these intimacy

9:27

death traps is to recognize

9:29

what are those unrealistic

9:32

and unmet expectations

9:34

that are keeping you stuck and miserable

9:36

right now . I want

9:38

you to keep a running list and

9:41

then I'm going to tell you how to fix it next

9:43

week . Alright , so that's

9:45

intimacy death trap number one

9:47

unrealistic expectations

9:50

. Have you taken the intimacy

9:52

level quiz yet ? If not

9:54

, you absolutely should . All

9:56

you have to do is go to monocatannercom

9:59

backslash quiz and

10:01

take a three minute quiz

10:03

. At the end I'll tell you what level

10:05

of intimacy you and your spouse

10:08

are at and I'll give you

10:10

next steps to be able to increase

10:12

your intimacy . Regardless of

10:14

what level you're at , you can always

10:17

make improvements . So do yourself

10:19

a favor and go to monocatannercom

10:21

backslash quiz and learn

10:24

about your level of intimacy and

10:26

how to improve it . Number

10:28

two is what I like

10:30

to call a B state

10:32

fortress . Now when I say B , I

10:34

mean those little insects with stingers

10:37

that buzz around . I

10:39

had seen a lot of divorces in

10:41

my life so I was pretty skeptical

10:44

about the idea of this whole

10:46

marriage thing really working out

10:48

for me . Of course I wanted

10:50

to have a happy marriage that lasted forever

10:52

, but I had never seen it done

10:54

very well or very often , so

10:57

I had a hard time letting my guard

10:59

down and creating intimacy

11:01

with my husband . It was hard

11:04

on both of us , but I had

11:06

built up this fortress around

11:08

me so that I wouldn't get hurt

11:10

. The reason I call it a B

11:13

state fortress is because

11:15

when my husband and I were

11:17

getting married , my dad , who is

11:20

a therapist who sees a

11:22

lot of married couples come

11:24

and go out of his office , warned

11:27

my husband that I had

11:29

bees that would eventually

11:31

sting him . That was

11:33

the exact language

11:35

that he used . He said watch out for her

11:38

bees , they will sting

11:40

you . Thanks for that

11:42

, dad Right , I was super

11:44

offended . But the reality

11:46

is is we all have bees

11:48

from our childhood and past

11:50

relationships that can come out and

11:53

sting our spouses and

11:55

us if we don't learn

11:57

to identify and put those

12:00

bees to rest . So many

12:02

of us build up walls to keep

12:04

our bees from stinging others

12:06

and many of us have walls

12:09

around us to keep other

12:11

people's bees from

12:13

stinging us . Either

12:15

way , intimacy can only

12:17

be present when those walls

12:20

start to come down appropriately

12:22

Not with everyone

12:24

, but with an intimate partner . It

12:26

is essential that these walls

12:29

, or B state fortresses

12:31

as I call them , also

12:33

known as boundaries , are

12:36

appropriately applied

12:38

. Sometimes they need to come

12:40

down , sometimes they need

12:43

some strengthening and , like everything

12:45

else , it is a skill set

12:47

to use boundaries appropriately

12:50

, and it often helps to

12:52

have a neutral third party who

12:54

can see what you can't see

12:57

most of the time , help you identify

12:59

those bees and create

13:02

appropriate boundaries and

13:04

teach you the skills necessary

13:06

to keep both the bees and

13:08

the boundaries from destroying

13:11

your relationship . So

13:13

just a side note about

13:15

boundaries , which I'm calling

13:18

B-state fortresses here , those

13:20

boundaries that are thick

13:22

, but the way I like

13:24

to describe boundaries is

13:28

like you think of an orange . We

13:31

have protective boundaries , which

13:33

is like the orange rind

13:35

around the orange that keeps things

13:37

from coming in . Then

13:40

there's the white part , which

13:42

is a containing boundary that

13:45

keeps our juices from

13:47

flowing out onto everyone

13:49

else . So boundary

13:51

work is kind of complex

13:53

but really , really

13:56

crucial . When you're talking about

13:58

creating intimacy with your romantic

14:00

partner , it's important to understand

14:04

your boundaries

14:06

both the protective

14:08

and containing boundaries and

14:11

how they both facilitate

14:14

and hinder the intimacy

14:17

you're creating with your partner

14:19

. Last but not least

14:21

, the third intimacy

14:23

death trap I see most

14:26

commonly is complacency

14:29

and avoidance . So

14:31

once we've been married for a longer

14:33

period of time , we start to

14:35

get comfortable with each other . We think

14:38

we know everything there is to know

14:40

about each other . We start to get bored

14:42

and we stop making

14:45

meaningful efforts to connect

14:47

with each other . Sometimes

14:49

there's been breaches of trust or

14:51

resentment building and

14:53

we decide it's easier just to

14:55

avoid those tough conversations

14:57

rather than use them to get

15:00

closer to one another . This

15:02

is what I like to call roommate

15:04

syndrome or resentment

15:07

, both of which is where

15:09

intimacy goes to die . Now

15:12

, I was thinking about this

15:14

idea of complacency and

15:17

avoidance , and I was

15:19

thinking about my husband and I's relationship

15:22

, and one of the things I value

15:24

most about

15:26

what we've created together

15:29

is this idea that we're

15:31

constantly challenging each

15:33

other , that we're always

15:35

asking for more of what we want

15:37

, which you can review

15:40

, that how to ask for and

15:42

how to ask for more of what you

15:44

want , in a way that you're most likely

15:46

to get it in episode 252

15:49

. But I really value

15:52

that . We're both

15:54

constantly looking to be better

15:56

ourselves so that we

15:58

can be better for and

16:00

with each other . And

16:03

this means a commitment to

16:05

having those tough conversations

16:07

, to leaning in when something

16:09

feels off or not right or

16:12

not as good as it could be . And

16:14

the way I like to think about this is

16:17

when you think about your

16:19

children . Do

16:21

you want your children to

16:23

be in a relationship like

16:25

that of you and your spouses ? So

16:28

if your immediate answer

16:30

is absolutely , I want my

16:33

children to be in a relationship exactly

16:35

like the

16:37

one that I'm in , then you're probably

16:40

on the right track . That doesn't

16:42

mean you don't have room to improve , but

16:45

that's a good thing . Now

16:47

, if any part of you is thinking , no

16:49

, I want my children to have a relationship

16:52

that's way better than

16:54

what I'm experiencing right now

16:56

with my spouse , then that's

16:59

a good thing to recognize as

17:01

well . It means that you've got

17:03

some work to do and the only

17:05

way to create something better

17:07

is to recognize

17:09

that you probably have gotten

17:11

complacent or you're

17:14

avoiding some tough conversations

17:16

and you just need to A

17:19

gain the skillsets to be

17:21

able to have those conversations well

17:23

and B the courage

17:25

to start asking for and fighting

17:28

for what you really want

17:30

, what you want and

17:32

what you wanna pass down to your children

17:35

. So that is

17:37

my three intimacy

17:39

death traps . Number

17:41

one unrealistic

17:44

and unmet expectations . Number

17:46

two boundaries or B-state

17:49

fortresses . And number three

17:51

complacency and avoidance . So

17:54

my challenge to you this week

17:56

is to think about

17:58

which of the three you

18:01

may be experiencing or resonate

18:04

with most . I guarantee

18:06

over the lifetime of your relationship

18:09

you are going to encounter one , two

18:11

or all three of these intimacy

18:14

death traps , and it's by acknowledging

18:16

them and working through them

18:19

that you will create the type

18:21

of connection , intimacy and passion

18:23

that we long for . So

18:26

I don't want you to shy away from them

18:28

. I want you to recognize

18:30

what they are . And then I want

18:32

you to join us next week

18:35

, same time , same place

18:37

, where I'm going to give you my five

18:39

step framework to

18:41

address and overcome

18:44

all three of these intimacy

18:46

death traps . And after

18:49

you've listened to this episode , I

18:51

would love for you to jump

18:53

on social media or send

18:56

me an email at monie , at

18:58

secrets of happily ever after , and

19:01

let me know which one

19:03

, two or three intimacy

19:06

death traps you resonate

19:08

most . I promise to

19:10

read every single message or every

19:12

single email that comes my way and

19:14

to respond with

19:17

something helpful . So

19:19

thank you , guys , so much

19:21

for spending this time with me , and

19:24

I hope that you will take a real

19:27

and honest look at your relationship

19:30

and which intimacy death

19:32

trap or traps you're

19:35

most likely falling into

19:37

, and I will see you next week

19:39

. Same time , same place

19:41

and , until then , happy

19:44

marriage . If you had as much

19:46

fun as we did just now , I hope that

19:48

you'll head over to your favorite podcast

19:50

player and leave a rating and review for

19:52

the show or share it on social media

19:54

. That's how other people can find this

19:56

awesome content and we can spread the message

19:59

that happily ever after is possible

20:01

. Feel free to check out my website , monicotannercom

20:05

, to find out more ways you can work with

20:07

me and , as always , thank you

20:09

so much for spending this time with me . I'll

20:11

see you next week .