0:03

Hey bitch, what

0:05

is your whole deal? Hey bitch,

0:08

just tell us how you feel You wished

0:11

for a sign from above Well here's

0:14

a podcast about boy sex, fucking, dating

0:16

and love Seek treatment

0:19

if you're boring as fuck Seek

0:21

treatment if you're unlucky

0:23

in love Seek treatment

0:26

if you just can't take a hit We'll

0:28

seek treatment

0:31

with Kat and Pat

0:49

We

0:58

have a VIP guest back in the studio for

1:00

the second time We have

1:02

America's Sweetheart, put

1:04

your ears open for Sarah Sherman

1:07

Good morning Can I ask you, are you dropping swerve? Lean

1:09

this No, no I need you to get back

1:11

to work No, I can't Does

1:14

society make you drop

1:16

swerve? No, it's actually something that's kind of I've

1:19

always been compared to damn Britney

1:21

Spears You're just scaring me

1:24

I can't be swerve, I'm on SNL You

1:26

scared me that

1:27

Pink dropped the estimation point when I said that Well

1:29

she did drop the estimation point No she didn't

1:31

When? Years ago No Wait,

1:34

how did she spell it? What's Mrs. Pink's last name? Pink

1:36

spells it with an I now I'm

1:39

not familiar with Pink except my chemistry teacher, sophomore

1:41

year, Miss Beverly, love

1:44

Pink I would,

1:46

in this current climate, I would 1000% pay

1:49

for tickets, receive those tickets,

1:52

go present those tickets and consume a

1:54

Pink concert box You see what she does You

1:56

call it off and take those

1:58

silks down your throat Always remember watching Bethany

2:01

Frankel's review of the Taylor concert, and she was like, it

2:03

was amazing, okay? You know, she went up there and she performed her

2:06

butt off for three hours. Was it a pink concert?

2:08

No. Because

2:08

she was like... I

2:10

think Bethany's a pink fan. I think

2:13

she just really respects what she does on stage. She does make

2:15

him so pink, like, as if she was Cher. I think

2:17

so.

2:17

But I found the funniest TikTok. Yes, I

2:20

did see a TikTok. And now, more pink

2:22

is like, she's like, literally catapulted across

2:24

the stadium, and you can hear her voice getting quieter

2:26

and quieter. It's so funny. I think it's

2:28

because she doesn't necessarily have it. So

2:30

she's like, she's putting in the words. Like

2:32

a prop comic? Yes, yes. And

2:34

so she is achieving it status

2:38

through like stunts that have never been seen in Bali Bali. But

2:40

she does have the voice, but you think she's out of charisma?

2:42

I just don't think she has like

2:44

X factor though. Did I ever tell you this? My

2:46

first... Have I ever told on this podcast

2:48

the story I heard about Pink once? No, I'd

2:50

love to tell on this podcast the story you're not thinking about. So when Pink

2:53

got her first spider pink at the time, having

2:55

to care, having the information point, being

2:58

the squirm. Imagine the person that keeps your shirt

3:00

pink. When she was regaining the squirm,

3:02

she had her first big record contract,

3:05

and they were like, you're going to be rich, you're going to be rich.

3:07

And the money wasn't really coming the way they said

3:09

it was. You know how everything in

3:11

this business... You're going to be honest with

3:14

this? I don't know the year, but whenever Pink was getting

3:16

her

3:17

first contract. Pink is also ageless. But

3:19

she's 2000 L.A. in a weird way.

3:21

Yeah. I

3:23

feel like I'm coming out with around 2002, so it

3:25

must have been like the late 90s, early, early

3:28

off. She is

3:29

very squirm. Pink exclamation

3:31

point is very squirm, and then she's queer made in concert.

3:33

So

3:36

Pink has her first record contract, and

3:39

it's not coming in. She is coming

3:41

in terms of how Hollywood works and how Hollywood is. So

3:44

she goes to the guest station and thinks it's a job

3:46

pumping gas. And the record execs say,

3:48

Pink,

3:49

you're a big star.

3:50

Yeah, have you seen other pumping gas? She

3:52

goes, where's my money then? Literally,

3:55

me answering that question, I'm totally pumping

3:57

gas. That's a mobile on 8th Avenue. up

4:00

legs, but I'm a star. Um,

4:03

anyways, that's the pink story I heard one time. I think from Pink's

4:05

mouse via television. No, just

4:07

squirt, anyone makes you drop squirm or you give

4:09

it up willingly. And Lauren Mike Rose,

4:11

call you into his office and say... Lauren

4:14

asked Michael. Lauren asked Michael.

4:16

Well, when I got the job, he was like, well, you can't

4:18

be squirmin' on the job. You're like, really? Well,

4:20

and then I was kinda like, you're actually right.

4:23

Yeah. He's like, it is distracting. And I'm like, it is

4:25

distracting. I will say, when I first came to know you, I was

4:27

like, but what is it? No, I

4:29

will say, if you did, you were, you now have

4:31

been able to show everyone, like,

4:33

what is on to the actress you are, how multifaceted you are.

4:35

And that's interesting. And I don't think you could have done

4:37

that without a squirmy. And see, that, well,

4:39

because... You are a secret actress, but you never told us before.

4:42

Well, actually, and here's the thing, I'm so bad at acting that I

4:44

need to, I have seen myself acting

4:47

and I need to go to acting school and this

4:49

is me putting the, I need every professional actress.

4:51

You're a professional actress. But it's something I

4:53

realized recently that I told you that I need

4:55

a

4:55

full face, head, body, voice, and head. I

4:59

didn't body with my head. What's this for?

5:01

I don't know.

5:02

I think it's because, I think it's because

5:04

it's pencils down. Yeah, it is literally pencils.

5:06

All pencils that were to be picked back up. I think

5:08

it's fine. Yeah. Wait,

5:10

what did you say? I said more pencils

5:12

that were to be picked back up.

5:13

Yeah. You know, it's so funny. I'm so

5:15

out of the loop. No, it was the industry

5:18

that I, and I started like, we did this essay writing class.

5:21

I went, I had read for someone and I was like, it is the summer

5:23

of writing. No, it's literally pencils

5:25

down.

5:25

See, you're an essay

5:27

writing class and it's like everybody needs to be in class.

5:29

Yeah. I actually need to get my ass

5:32

back to that class because I've been feeling so uncreated since I

5:34

finished it. I know.

5:36

This is where I just interrupted you with a few feet to speak

5:38

your shoes. No, you didn't. No, I did. I actually did.

5:40

You were saying you're power and taking your shoes. I was like, I was

5:42

like, Hang on, what do you always like being on the best drug in the world?

5:44

No, I know. By the way, what did I say? I came into your apartment

5:46

and I said, guys, I'm low east today. I'm not going to bring

5:48

you because I've had a poop

5:50

attack. What do you mean by poop attack? I just

5:52

woke up. She got their own. You're a diarrhea.

5:54

I just ended it. I was actually going

5:56

to be here yesterday and she was like, it's probably from

5:58

your

5:59

You know

6:02

what? I

6:02

don't want to tell you. I thought

6:04

we'd truly hung out. No.

6:07

My only positive experience is heading to Miami, Florida.

6:10

Oh! Oh! And do you know

6:11

that? Where are you and

6:13

Mandy? We were in New

6:14

Year's. I wasn't invited. I want to be open about this.

6:17

It was Gay Guy Day. It

6:19

was Gay Guy

6:19

Day. We were having such a bad day

6:22

and then we were just going for a walk and went to dinner. But

6:25

then I cried out with those guys here. I just started

6:27

telling the guys here about old seasons of real world and

6:29

they were into it. The straight guys were into hearing me talk about all

6:31

these things. You

6:32

know, like straight guy boyfriending, yes I'm straight. And

6:34

like how that depends.

6:35

She didn't want

6:37

to call me for a date. Not

6:39

only are you pink, not only are you straight,

6:43

but you've been at Minogue for so long. Imagine

6:45

how powerful it would be if you and Pink became a queer couple.

6:49

You and Vinnie. You were

6:50

showing me a couple. You

6:53

and Pink became a queer couple. That

6:55

would be the most

6:55

electric thing. We'll

7:02

be getting G-slipping Grishel. We'll

7:04

be getting two G-flips.

7:05

Kind of. I guess

7:08

you're the Grishel when you're paranormal. When

7:10

I'm paranormal, because that's the nicest thing you've ever

7:12

said to me. That you called me a

7:14

Grishel. Yeah,

7:15

you could be compared to being a Grishel. I

7:19

realize you have one Grishel on a G-flip. Because you think

7:21

you're a pink head, you're a long hair for a year. Oh,

7:23

she could look sexy like that. She was

7:25

literally, like I think no one would be able to recognize

7:27

her. She think she'd light up the night.

7:28

She had a long week

7:31

in the music video for that anti-feminist bop,

7:34

Stupid Girls. Oh, maybe if I just

7:36

like that, that guy will call

7:38

me back.

7:39

I don't want to be like Stupid

7:41

Girls. You know, I know everything's wrong. That's

7:44

too much. You're a fan. I guess

7:46

I am. Yo, Joss on, go help. Everybody

7:48

get me. Oh! Anyway, the best one

7:50

is, if

7:51

someone said three

7:53

years from now, you'd be

7:55

so long. I'm sure you've said this

7:57

on the part. And punch them

7:59

out.

7:59

Okay,

8:00

pink has a Rune 5 disease where it's like

8:03

you hear a song and you're like yeah I hear that all the time.

8:05

You're like wait that's a pink song? Yeah that's like

8:07

the target disease. That's the Walmart disease. Yeah

8:10

I want it. It's on when you're looking for some block.

8:12

I thought Walmart. But it's... I love

8:14

being in Walmart. Wait who would've done it? Who would've done it? I'm a straight guy.

8:16

What is it with my boyfriend? Yeah, love

8:19

Dan. Love Dan. And Dan by the

8:21

way still talks to this very day not lying. You're not going

8:23

to see a single eye just slip out of my lips. Yeah. He

8:25

talks about how the funniest thing he's ever witnessed

8:27

was you.

8:27

Oh my god. Doing your

8:29

Buffy the Vampire story. Oh yeah. I

8:32

don't know why I said it. I could've heard first one last

8:34

day Buffy the Vampire. I

8:37

think you know the name of the vampire.

8:38

You can't talk to him. That's my player. Player.

8:40

I didn't know my level. I

8:43

said oh she was like please can't fight demons.

8:45

I have to do it. What's... Oh no she's like...

8:48

No she's like how

8:49

many times do you wash blood on my clothing? Something

8:51

figured it out? Well it stops now. No it doesn't stop.

8:53

It never stops. I think I know. Do you think

8:56

I chose to be like this? Oh. Do you have any idea how

8:58

lonely it is? How dangerous?

9:00

I would love to be upstairs

9:02

watching TV or gossiping about boys

9:04

or not even studying. But

9:07

I have to save the world.

9:08

Again. Buffy you need help.

9:10

I'm not crazy. What I need is

9:13

for you to chill. Yeah. So good. Sorry.

9:16

I mean you literally

9:17

like you can do a full grad school PhD

9:19

dissertation on Buffy in a way that's like on the spot.

9:21

Like it was like we were like literally... I don't ask for

9:24

that. No we wanted that. Sometimes I worry that

9:26

I don't care or know about anything. Well I

9:28

don't know. I'm a jagovoltrej master of none.

9:30

I don't know anything. Yeah you're an expert. I'm

9:32

a jagovoltrej. You know about movies and music and you...

9:34

That's so interesting that you didn't say that. You know that's true.

9:37

I don't know. I'm so depleted. Remember

9:40

when you fell in love with movies over the pandemic? I literally

9:42

am. I could make two things.

9:44

And I said... Music is life.

9:46

Our

9:49

movies are God's. Wow. What's your favorite song

9:51

God is the Day Life to dance for? Tomorrow

9:53

I'll Pray Some Things. No that's not pink

9:55

is it? Wait you're an expert

9:57

on things. Is that pink?

9:59

going and talking to me. I thought it was like Cheryl Crowe.

10:06

I'm not Lady Gaga.

10:08

You are? No. You say she'd

10:10

be only like Burt? I'm not Lady Gaga. No,

10:13

no, I'm thinking I don't like her.

10:14

Oh, I don't. I feel like I

10:16

look like her, act like her, and I'm like

10:18

that. Well, give you a ton. I don't think you know

10:20

that. Oh my god, wait, I just read this. I once went on a Tinder

10:22

date where a guy said I look Italian. I

10:24

can't tell you that. And Brian goes, you look Jewish.

10:26

I feel exotic and sexy. But I'm a

10:28

Russian Jew with a little bit of Irish. Oh,

10:34

what are you? Wait, I didn't

10:36

even I say this, but I didn't even do this. I thought I was Jewish.

10:38

That's so mean. It's like the meanest thing

10:40

you've ever said. I've heard

10:43

Jewish person, anyone's ever check the arm hair? No, I mean,

10:45

you're funny, right? I don't

10:49

know that.

10:51

I don't know that when he talked that. But like, it means you're

10:53

like good at talking and you could and you could like, he's

10:56

Jewish.

10:57

After all, God is a DJ life.

10:59

I'm

11:01

learning typing life is a dance form. Wait, you fell

11:03

in love with movies.

11:06

I was just like,

11:13

second month. Like I was

11:15

literally like maybe the pandemic isn't so bad. Literally

11:18

how much I'm sucking up movies.

11:19

Which what? I was

11:22

watching you

11:22

have to see me do this. I want to

11:24

see

11:25

the

11:32

gym together. I can't

11:34

be this when I do at the gym. I don't wear

11:36

glasses or contact at the gym because I think if I

11:38

can't see anyone, no one can see me. Yeah, because

11:41

I'm so blurry that I

11:43

can't see anything. So that means nobody can see me.

11:45

I think when I wear sunglasses, there's no way anyone

11:47

will like it. I want my phone ringing like it's me. And

11:51

they'd be like, you look bad. Because

11:53

you're doing the right. Even the lessons.

11:59

I mean, I don't know if it's stretched out, make it tall, make it

12:02

big.

12:02

I'm

12:03

really laughing too hard to see. People

12:06

won't be able to listen to this because it's literally people on

12:08

my Kade. It's

12:10

just me talking slow because I had a poop attack

12:12

and I'm actually

12:12

kind of out of it. What do you mean about that? And

12:15

what do you mean poop attack? I had

12:16

a lot of poop come out. Okay. Well,

12:19

what do you think it means? Do you think

12:21

it pooping how it means that you couldn't

12:23

poop? It can mean a lot of different things. It can mean all

12:26

of a sudden, it can mean, oh my god, I keep having this

12:28

through a diarrhea. It could mean, I was

12:30

like out walking and I really had to poop

12:32

and but it was normal to go. It could mean, oh

12:34

my god, I kept pooping but normally it could

12:37

mean. What do you think? I don't like to even talk about

12:39

poop. I know, but here we are. You're a

12:40

versus a scatological. We don't like,

12:42

we don't do it. You're talking a theres a squirm.

12:45

As a gay man tasked with anal sex, it's my very sexual being.

12:51

Let me tell you guys, I'll talk about poop all day.

12:53

I won't even say the word on my podcast. I don't

12:55

like the other thing.

12:56

Peep? No, I love peep. I'm pissed.

12:59

Other options for you.

13:01

Oh, because

13:02

you know what farting is? It's very Miranda

13:04

thing.

13:04

It's very, I can't really talk about

13:07

that. So can I? I

13:09

think that's great. I think we'll

13:11

come out in truly October. So L-O-L-O.

13:15

It's really relevant. You wanted

13:17

a lot?

13:17

Why? Because the

13:20

wreckage of her. Presence. Shout

13:23

out. The wreckage of her presence, like the wake

13:26

will be self-regenerations to come. The

13:28

way

13:29

from the short story. Yeah. I

13:31

told this about a short story. I should keep thinking about

13:33

that. I think that's a good

13:35

sign. There's

13:36

just

13:37

this essay that someone wrote that I read one

13:39

time. Actually, I had a retreat at Molly's.

13:41

Shout out. Anytime

13:46

anything is spread, shout out. Shout out. Shout

13:50

out. Shout out in

13:53

October, 2003. Shout out. I

13:55

wish I had a short story.

13:57

Can I just say really quickly, basically, can I say something

13:59

about it?

13:59

Okay.

14:01

Ignore the short story of it all. This

14:03

woman died from a crazy wave on the beach.

14:06

Oh! And her partner

14:08

wrote, like, the way the waves formed is that that wave was

14:10

forming years, months, days before. Sure.

14:13

I love that. The wave is... You're

14:15

not in control.

14:15

The wave is on the way. Yeah, like, you're living your

14:18

life in a completely different country. There's already

14:20

in existence a wave that's going to kill you in eight

14:22

months.

14:22

So the Miranda wave. Well,

14:25

no,

14:25

she actually is

14:28

definition wave because I actually think

14:30

that she knows not

14:31

what she does. I know. And

14:33

that she's

14:33

true. She is a true...

14:36

Like, the wave of the Miranda

14:38

thing started before she was born. Yeah.

14:41

She was destined to be where she is now. Wow.

14:43

I cut you nothing, Saba. No, I don't

14:45

get it. But any kind of destiny we're in now? We are

14:47

all destined to be where we are. So why am I not more successful? Because...

14:50

Isn't that weird? You are successful and

14:52

you are going to be really successful. But

14:54

didn't you think it should have happened?

14:57

I think it's about myself too.

14:59

You're on the most famous comedy show on the most.

15:02

Yeah. But anyway, they're a big party. And

15:04

nevertheless, she persisted to not be able

15:06

to sell any tickets to her Boston show. What do you want

15:08

to do on your Boston show? Well, before this, from now.

15:11

Well, how much do you want to tell me? Because I have a... Are

15:13

you playing Mass Evo?

15:14

No. Mine's in a deli

15:16

outside of Boston, but that's okay. Wait, wait,

15:18

wait. That's cool. Yeah,

15:21

I'm not saying anything. I'm saying

15:24

when's your Boston show because I'll be in the area. Oh, yes. So

15:27

if you stick around... Yeah, I'll stick around for a

15:29

few

15:29

months. So you had a poop attack

15:31

and a Western guy on the side. Thank you. Well,

15:34

we just talked about the poop attack.

15:37

Are you thinking what's going on with the water? No,

15:39

not at all.

15:40

No, not at all. You've

15:42

been touring. I've

15:43

been touring. How's it going? It's good.

15:46

Wait, so in the middle of the night,

15:48

in a panic, what

15:49

do I do? I text Catherine, Catherine Collin and

15:51

I say, who is your vocal doctor?

15:54

Oh, yeah, did you go?

15:55

Yes. We are... You

15:57

are

15:57

going to... Am I? Am I?

15:59

I have it on USB drive. Are

16:02

you giving the best with watching them flutter? I'm abusing. Do

16:05

they have any abusing? We all are. We have

16:07

to be taking care of our instrument and

16:09

you are the only person who's going to ever want to talk about

16:11

this. It's my passion. It's your passion. No,

16:14

and it's everything because of throat chakra, how

16:16

we communicate, how we relate to the world, how we express

16:18

ourselves. Yeah. If you

16:21

are not treating your instrument

16:22

with the respect that it deserves, we are athletes

16:24

of the mouth. 100% athlete with the mouth

16:26

of a little bit. What can I do?

16:30

We need to be literally

16:31

waking up every single morning doing our exercises.

16:34

Do you do that?

16:35

If I'm performing, yeah. Apparently we need

16:37

to be doing it every night. I have a lot of questions. One... Wait,

16:41

wait, wait. So I strained it on four. I pressed it.

16:44

But you've always struggled because you scream a lot on stage. I'm

16:46

a screamer. It's a part of what makes

16:48

your act so funny. You're

16:49

a screamer. I'm a screamer.

16:50

Well, I'm... And I actually go to shout

16:52

out a mozacar, a screamer-ledger. Yeah, that's what I was wondering

16:54

about. I go to... She

16:57

literally was the scream-o coach for Chris Cornell and the

16:59

guys in the new shirt, which

17:00

she's a legend. Wow. And it

17:02

was funny. Our shared vocal doctor, I

17:04

was like, oh, I go see Melissa Cross for a screaming lesson. Then

17:07

he was like, well, you're the most normal person

17:09

she's ever sent me. No, it's just

17:10

so funny. The guy. He's

17:13

definitely not getting it. He's so serious. The fact

17:15

that

17:15

I chose him... Yeah, you mean we're gonna be serious. Oh

17:17

my God. I remember.

17:20

I remember. I

17:22

remember.

17:23

I remember.

17:26

I can't even... I like the

17:28

way I was talking back in the show.

17:31

I don't know what I meant. I

17:33

just meant... I

17:36

said he's great. And

17:38

you mean the accountability squad right now?

17:41

I know I am. You're

17:43

what? She said you're being accountability squad right now.

17:46

I'm just saying. You mean people can be serious?

17:49

Yeah. I know that they're... They're

17:51

playing boring ass baby balls. I really like it. I

17:53

really like it. I gave up on the exam to be a little less serious. I

17:55

just won a littler.

17:57

So how to go with the doctor?

18:00

Okay, so this is

18:02

blowing my mind in smithereens is that

18:04

women? No. Yes. I

18:07

know. Literally women have to push

18:09

harder literally to be heard. So

18:12

most women have something called pseudocysts on

18:14

their vocal cords. Do you think I probably have that because my voice

18:16

isn't quite masculine? No. Do you push? Do you

18:18

feel like you don't lose your voice like that? I don't lose

18:20

my voice. You don't lose your voice? But do you think that this voice

18:23

isn't necessarily like,

18:24

it has to work to come out? It doesn't feel

18:26

effortless? No,

18:26

actually I would argue that your voice

18:29

is so, it actually comes from

18:31

like,

18:31

it comes from like a spiritual realm

18:34

that like no one can even think of. You're

18:37

a straight, serious vocalist, proud as I cross. It's

18:39

just worth coming from. It's

18:41

probably some motivative. No, I think your

18:43

voice is like channeled from like a spirit realm. Like

18:46

you have like one of the most special voices in the world.

18:48

I hate my voice and lately I hate my laugh.

18:50

But there's nothing that makes me happier

18:52

than your laugh. It's one of the, and I

18:55

want to say, I'm going to say something controversial. My

18:57

favorite comedians on the planet have the most

18:59

singularly unique voices. Like who?

19:02

Like Todd Barry, like no

19:04

one could ever. Yeah. Like

19:07

that comes from somewhere else.

19:09

Like Maria Bamford even. That, no

19:12

one can ever. That is a voice that is uninvolved.

19:14

Do you feel like God is literally

19:16

shining through you when you're doing your thing? I

19:20

feel like I'm definitely channeling.

19:22

I feel like I meditate. I'm a bad

19:24

meditator, but I meditate on stage in the sense that I

19:26

achieve flow state when I'm on stage. And that's

19:28

why I've been abusing my voice because I'm

19:31

so, I'm like kind of like, padaest

19:33

basically. Yeah. And so I'm

19:35

not being mindful of how I'm treating my, my,

19:38

whoa, I did everything. Well,

19:41

also people have different kinds, like everyone's built different.

19:43

So like some people can abuse their chords when they get

19:45

by. Like mine are very fragile.

19:47

Like Adina, doesn't she actually hear her voice bad? I

19:49

don't

19:49

know. But you're, you treat it so well. Like the way

19:51

you're talking right now is like very mind

19:53

because I've been through so long.

19:54

One time I gave her some told me Adina Menzel, she's

19:56

really sad. Sure.

19:58

And no, she doesn't.

19:59

You're saying they knew that serious facts

20:02

and weren't

20:02

getting it? What was

20:05

I gonna say? I just

20:07

had to jump back really quickly to Miranda's

20:10

things and just say that I'm gonna say something really

20:12

brave, which is like... The

20:13

video, like, the song,

20:16

like 10% worked on me.

20:17

In the way. I don't know.

20:20

It didn't

20:21

work on me. Yeah.

20:22

Maybe this is a person who is so

20:24

far from knowing

20:26

what's real. You

20:28

sound like her team that told me she

20:30

did what she wanted.

20:31

Yeah, I'm a runner team. I'm

20:34

good. And someone who

20:36

loves to ingest and metabolize...

20:40

I put that video in the

20:42

realm of psychotic

20:46

YouTube videos, like a crab exploding. You

20:48

know what I'm saying?

20:49

I'm glad that it exists. I'm glad that she

20:50

spoke her truth.

20:52

I can't stop watching

20:54

those videos of people slicing open balls

20:56

of foam. Those are cool. I think those are a

20:58

good spirit. They were incredible, but they were

21:00

real time-suck.

21:01

I thought TikTok was, like,

21:04

enough about triggers. What about the glimmers

21:05

in your everyday? Things that make you want to be

21:07

alive. Not really like yourself. I'm just saying, delete it. Yeah.

21:11

I like that. You know, I didn't say that on my phone. You did.

21:13

I put it that way. I put it that way. I

21:16

did that seven times a day. Yeah,

21:18

I probably will redownload that. I get it back. I don't

21:20

have

21:20

TikTok, but

21:23

someone sent me... My friend

21:25

Izzy sent me a TikTok account, but then

21:27

I have to watch on my desktop, so it doesn't... whatever.

21:30

But it's a woman called Parmesan

21:32

Hands. Did she get calluses

21:34

so badly on her hands that she has to, like, pay a grade? Oh,

21:37

not that. Whatever. And it's the only

21:39

reason I would download TikTok, but other than that, I think we

21:41

do have to be off the grid. What about wood soup? What

21:44

about

21:44

water shows? We have to be off the... What about soup?

21:47

I know we have to be off the grid. Wood soup. This

21:49

is the account I like on TikTok. So, what is it? Bowl. Just

21:52

show us.

21:52

Giant wooden bowl of water. Oh, it looks so good.

21:55

Oh, it looks so good.

21:55

Are you a Marlboro leaner? No, I wish I was more, but a little

21:57

bit.

21:58

You would make literally eight...

21:59

$85,000 a week if you did ASMR. I was on

22:02

any way to make money

22:03

with what I have going on. Yeah. I

22:07

still have time that it hurts me. I think

22:09

that

22:10

I'm very well. Right at Peace for Bustle.

22:12

Oh, great. Wonderful. Yeah.

22:15

What's it going to be

22:16

about? It's going to be about, I think,

22:18

what this won't be until October. So if it's not out,

22:20

it means I didn't do the assignment. We can push

22:22

it. Yeah. It's

22:25

going to be about, it's like

22:27

on the heels of the Calamore thing,

22:29

like these women who are,

22:30

these reality women who are. Who

22:33

go G-foot mode? Who go G-flip in their 40s. Yeah.

22:35

It's on the one hand.

22:37

Go G-foot mode in their 40s. To

22:39

go G-foot mode. Kyle Richards and Mauricio.

22:42

What's going on with them? This is going to be coming out

22:44

in October. Are you a Kyle gay? Kyle,

22:46

there's rumors that she's been married for 27 years. And

22:49

in many ways, their marriage has been like one

22:52

of the most stable marriages in the Bravoverse.

22:54

It's like in the Americana scrapbook

22:57

of like, if we were supposed to look at like stable,

22:59

loving relationships, like in history of American

23:01

television.

23:01

But I have a lease, I like where there's smoke,

23:03

there's fire in their house. And

23:06

he's a weedhead. Jise? Jise.

23:09

Actually, like there's very few house

23:11

husbands that there's no smoke around. Like

23:14

there has never been smoke around during DK. There's

23:17

never been smoke around. What? There's

23:19

so much. Oh, sure, sure. Anyways, Mauricio

23:22

and Kyle were like that. And then like,

23:25

there were rumors that like she hadn't

23:27

posted him for a while and no one was going on. She got

23:29

posting herself with this like G Flip-esque kind

23:31

of she has. Oh, right now. Then

23:34

it came out that they separate it. But it's not confirmed

23:36

that she's

23:37

full G Flip mode, right? I'm

23:39

not going to do that. Is it bad that

23:41

I so believe that where there's smoke, there's fire

23:43

to the point where like I literally believe that any

23:46

piece of gossip drama or rumor

23:47

is true? Totally. Because like, they're obvious. I

23:49

know. Well, that's what when

23:51

I went on the bitch test a couple

23:54

of weeks ago, it was like when like there were

23:56

theories but before this broke and they were asking

23:58

me, I would be shocked. And I said, you know.

23:59

I don't

24:01

know any, maybe it's I'm too jaded,

24:03

but like any house husband, I think

24:05

there's a 10% chance that they're cheating. I think that

24:07

Maurice was cheating, like that rumor, I mean that

24:09

rumor came out during like the Band of Pump,

24:11

Kyle, fight season, but like,

24:14

but like, I just think any

24:16

time there's people on the LIT, there's a 10% chance

24:18

that Mary's about to implore.

24:19

Well it's like you're talking about the most demented swab

24:21

of human beings.

24:22

Totally. What's the trainer's

24:24

name?

24:25

Oh, Morgan Wallen.

24:29

That's not her.

24:31

Oh, Morgan Wade. Oh, that's a different,

24:33

that's a country thing. Oh,

24:36

is Morgan Wallen

24:37

the person, there's someone who has seen SNL

24:39

this year who I was like, not only have I not heard of them, but

24:41

no one's ever heard of this person in the world. The person who has been-

24:44

It's a country person. I'm

24:46

sure there's the most popular person in the mirror. Oh, there's like

24:48

a gay person that's covering Tracy Chapman, and it's like going- Oh, whoa.

24:51

There's a big country person.

24:53

Oh, is this the girl?

24:55

Yeah.

24:56

You really are hacking into the mainstream right now. Yeah,

24:58

I'm curious. Well, I,

25:00

there is like, I know you're going to be writing about this in your

25:02

Understanding the Assignment essay on Bustle.

25:05

By the way, you know, you want to hear the deepest

25:07

artist you could have ever told in my life. One time

25:09

I looked up my name on Twitter

25:11

to see if anyone had ever said Sarah

25:13

Quorum Understands the Assignment and no one had ever. You

25:15

looked up your name. I looked at my name

25:17

on Twitter one time after a sketch. Oh,

25:20

God. And- You can love me though.

25:23

If they love me, they'd buy tickets for my show at the World

25:25

War in Boston three months before it just came out.

25:27

Yeah.

25:29

Well, Marty and I are marketing. Blind tickets

25:31

really keep

25:32

us on level tonight. It really does. I

25:34

had a record of buying blind tickets in the UK, and

25:36

it was just like-

25:37

But I thought, you know, it's tricky because then you're like, I

25:40

wish I just took a smaller venue so I wouldn't be stressed like this. I

25:42

know, but then you play a smaller venue, and then you're like, you know, I

25:44

wonder if it'd be fun if I had like a really nice mic right

25:46

now. You know what I mean? Yeah.

25:48

It goes both ways. I'm kind of offended

25:51

that my team didn't be like, since both my

25:53

Bellha shows sold out. Hey! I'm

25:56

sure they want to do another show. That's like 700

25:58

tickets. I know.

25:59

I haven't been home in like an

26:02

hour in New York in so long. I can't wait. I

26:04

was really humbled to do that. Do you want to come on the 30th? Do you want

26:06

to go with me?

26:06

Yeah. Oh, I think I'm hosting

26:09

Jack Bensinger and Eric Ray who are doing half

26:12

hours.

26:13

Hosted girl. Alright, girl shout out. Yeah,

26:15

check it out. Check it out. Check it out. Who's in the plane?

26:20

I'm happy for them. They're funny.

26:22

I'm already sold out. I don't need to worry about them.

26:24

That's so cool. Jack Bensinger.

26:27

I don't know. I don't know him, but Eric's so

26:29

funny.

26:29

Two of the funniest people on the planet.

26:31

And shout out. I

26:34

already shout out. Oh my god. Oh

26:37

my god. I was invited to a taco

26:39

party. You got it. Actually, I don't

26:41

think I was invited to before the tour.

26:43

Oh, I invited myself. I

26:45

forced, I literally forced Eric Ray

26:47

to go and grill a hot dog.

26:49

He's incredible. I

26:51

actually haven't been feeling good since my hot

26:53

dog because it makes me really better.

26:54

What do you think's going on? Maybe they're making

26:56

me this. Oh please. Where's our Jaxon Tepso? You know I

26:58

always have him on. No, you know

27:01

I'm on. Literally a cocktail

27:03

of Tepso and Imodium and things

27:05

that like came, didn't

27:06

even have words. We'll shout out. Oh wow.

27:09

Shout out to Imodium. If

27:11

you're listening, if you're following our serialized podcast that

27:13

has plots and storylines, my

27:16

fiber that Jake Cornell recommended that

27:19

I could order again told him about instead of embodying

27:21

for 50 years. This is what

27:22

you got. Gorgeous. I got

27:24

that fiber, so we'll see how it goes. Oh, you don't know

27:26

how it works out. No, I haven't taken inventory

27:29

in terms of like, oh I'm about to get a prop for that and show

27:31

everything's good. So that's always a test.

27:33

Might have ever been silly and hot.

27:35

Yeah, of course. I got scared of it because

27:38

one time I bought it and there were too many warnings. Oh

27:41

no. I never want to, I don't

27:43

read.

27:43

Yeah, I don't read either.

27:46

I don't read either. Okay,

27:47

so far out of the shows you've done, what's been your favorite

27:49

city on Eastern Park? Oh, oh, oh.

27:52

And do you have an opener or are you just doing an hour? I bring

27:54

Jack.

27:54

Yeah, it's really fun. I,

27:57

well, what's interesting

27:59

is

27:59

Oh my god, wait, look at me. I stopped

28:02

getting interested

28:02

You

28:05

know what

28:06

it is because I saw myself it's like the back

28:07

oh I always do Whoa,

28:11

I can't look at you right across the camera You

28:16

are wildest believe

28:23

Okay, so That's

28:25

city where city um, you know what

28:28

I and tell me do you agree? I love performing

28:30

in Chicago because like I just your home I

28:32

swear you got your star I feel more pressure

28:34

to perform this crowd and I feel anywhere else What

28:38

I also like we made you bitch like yeah, and they've

28:40

all seen everything one of my jokes I have I know go

28:42

fast. I don't think so. How could you you're working

28:44

every day? I think I think that I I think

28:47

you You're scheduled in

28:50

Well, you know what is I'm being so impressed

28:52

by what is that this little

28:54

miss my Special

29:03

Writing

29:11

this new show in 2019

29:12

Like 2016

29:17

I'm

29:19

cracking

29:19

the numbers right now and I'm carrying the ones in the Around

29:26

The

29:34

face I'm

29:40

gonna be I'm nothing new. So hopefully

29:42

I'm gonna do this show for like a year film it

29:44

take it all the way to fucking All

29:49

the way home have anything party and live and hope

29:51

that people care this time I

29:54

know people care. Yeah, but I'm

29:57

it's all the news that fits the print. I literally open every single

29:59

newspaper

29:59

I wanted to see the show but I was not

30:02

around I'm sure I'll be doing it

30:04

again Okay, I'll be

30:04

doing it again Oh yeah,

30:05

you'll be seeing it in my time doing a stick pic You want to get

30:07

off my puppet? No, I'm literally like

30:09

I can't believe there's a whole new hour I have

30:12

to see it and everybody's writing my book and I want to see it

30:14

But did you see my show in Edinburgh? I saw you some more

30:16

No, because I'm sure I read the show so much I'm just wondering

30:19

You didn't have

30:21

Veronica Marwers I love it You had Raven

30:23

Simons Oh

30:26

I can't wait to tell you this You're going to throw up

30:28

in your mouth I just saw the name of my

30:30

super and I flashed back to my last text

30:33

so I have been playing a bit of a theme of tears in

30:35

the chairs of my apartment

30:37

and so I had one in the middle of my room

30:39

but it was too heavy and that was one that was on the floor but

30:41

you still need to kind of do a window I

30:44

didn't know but I'm trying to

30:46

like wireize

30:46

the window unit

30:47

Anyways, I love you guys I think anyways,

30:50

it's like so like I'm in middle school writing

30:52

my journal

30:53

going, there's any ways I think

30:56

any ways all the

30:57

time

30:58

I think I've ever gotten from you I'm

31:00

going to do spirit Triple

31:02

plans But anyways,

31:05

got like all of this these new air conditioners

31:08

are quiet I'm in the living room The

31:10

loud room's an adventure I can

31:12

ride that stuff My

31:14

lovely super Eric is always shouting

31:18

He always says that you need help installing air

31:21

conditioners I love to do it I

31:24

love to do it That's

31:28

actually really

31:28

and so I always give him

31:30

that opportunity and that work

31:33

so he came in to switch to

31:35

the air conditioners so

31:37

I have the one that's on the ground but goes into

31:39

the window anyways

31:40

on the floor of my bedroom I go

31:42

away to Fire Island

31:43

for a week come back after two days because I'm traumatized I

31:46

put the dog in her crate I lie

31:49

down I feel like

31:52

I'm in the air conditioner and go to sleep

31:54

I feel like

31:56

a bug on me ain't knocked it off forever

32:00

back in my quasibug. The

32:02

entire wall is covered in flying insects.

32:04

There's insects everywhere. There's thousands

32:06

of insects inside my room. Wait, how did that tell me about that?

32:09

Because I was

32:09

ashamed. They all went into their

32:11

minis when it got really hot. They

32:13

were everywhere. I like, it was 1am.

32:16

My dog

32:16

is like,

32:17

actually, yeah, no, it must have been

32:19

the day I picked up April because it was her first day back.

32:22

Oh, that's horrible.

32:22

What did you do? I ordered

32:27

like five cans of rain from a pharmacy that

32:29

was open all night. I literally just walked around my entire

32:31

room spraying rain all over the rain. All of

32:33

everything, just rain everywhere, all over my bed. I'm

32:35

glad you're still with us. I know, I would have wanted that. I would

32:38

have wanted that.

32:39

And April was like, what's going on? So wait, how can I

32:41

avoid that? But then

32:44

it hasn't happened. Getting into the macros. Yeah. Like,

32:46

I had a macro. How can I avoid that? I don't

32:48

know. What happened to the... They all

32:50

must have gone into the window, the opening,

32:53

and like, because it was hot outside, lived inside

32:55

of it for those three days off on Fire Island. And then when I turned

32:57

it on for the first time, they were like, Oh my God, wait, I don't love this.

32:59

And came out into my room. It was

33:01

like, biblical. They could travel through

33:04

the air conditioner? I don't know. But I wish

33:06

you could see them from the cover of God.

33:08

I wish

33:08

you took a picture. I do believe you, but I am pretty

33:10

sure. It was a horror movie.

33:13

That's really awful. It was a horror movie

33:15

phenomenon. And I was gonna get it fumigated, but then it

33:17

was fine. I got through the raid. Like, I then

33:19

I sprayed literally every inch of my room with raid

33:22

and opened all the windows and like didn't go in for 24 hours.

33:24

And then they were all dead and I like, locked them up and then

33:26

like, washed everything.

33:28

And then now it's fine. Do you know my

33:30

personality? Last night I went to pee in the middle of

33:32

the night. I see a cockroach run by and it's like, they

33:34

don't bother. They don't

33:37

bother me. It's the

33:39

flesh and blood that bothers

33:40

me. Yeah. Like a rat, a mouse. That

33:43

would, that because I've had the cutest mouse before.

33:45

Oh, me too. But I don't like the flesh and blood.

33:47

Whereas like cockroaches, they just eat plastic. Like

33:49

insects, they are freaky insects.

33:51

Like animal fencing. They

33:54

are all Nicole said, man, if you've seen her eating

33:56

insects on that YouTube video, it's

33:58

an amazing. Why

33:59

is she?

33:59

doing that in terms of enemies that are inherently evil.

34:02

I believe insects are sent to us from

34:04

the end. They are very like plague.

34:07

Well, there

34:07

is like an, it's, erosnophobia

34:10

is,

34:14

spiders

34:15

are the things that look the least

34:17

human. Like everything that humans do, even

34:21

buildings follow this human

34:23

symmetry that we understand, like the Vitruvian

34:25

man. Everything like man-made

34:27

follows like human understanding.

34:31

And like insects and spiders are so

34:34

non-human. non-human understanding. Which

34:37

is why aliens, like

34:39

all, we imagine that aliens are

34:41

insect-like.

34:41

Don't ask for stuff like alien DNA.

34:44

And that's why there's this word. Yeah. I

34:46

don't care about it. I hate them, I think they're

34:48

evil. I don't know, they're

34:50

human. I think they're, what about the guy who

34:52

has the best friends?

34:52

Don't care. Okay. All the clubbers.

34:55

Must have, right? Must have done. Must

34:58

have done. Must have done. What

35:00

are you most scared of? What am I most scared of? Can

35:03

we keep going? Oh, there's no rules. Ah,

35:06

he's going pee pee. What am I most

35:08

scared of in the world? You know what? Well, this isn't,

35:10

this isn't, and this is gonna be very 2000 length by the time

35:13

it comes out, but I

35:14

was so entrenched

35:17

in

35:20

the Titanic sub-human situation. And

35:22

I

35:22

gotcha. It really got me in a way because I

35:25

was like, when I, I can't meditate very well, but if I'm

35:27

trying to meditate, I picture myself at the bottom of

35:29

the ocean. And I'm like, that's the most calming

35:31

idea. Oh. The most calming

35:33

situation I can create in my mind's eye

35:36

is the idea of just me peacefully at the bottom

35:38

of the ocean and like seeing like rays

35:40

of light, like pouring through the waves. That's so beautiful. But

35:43

it took it away from me. It made no,

35:45

now I made the ocean a sight of thing. Of

35:47

horror, of abject horror, because it

35:49

created a new kind of horror that like

35:52

I had never even, because if you know, in your anxiety

35:54

spiral, you can think of like every horrible thing that could ever happen.

35:57

And that actually like new horror. find

36:00

an idea just dropped with that. Interesting, I guess

36:02

I've always feared drowning so...

36:04

I never had! It's just the worst.

36:06

I've been like pulled over, pulled

36:08

under like by a wave once or twice and it's just

36:10

like it's the scariest thing in the world. Because you're afraid to surrender, you're

36:12

afraid to lose control.

36:13

Of course I'm afraid to lose control. We'll pay my land or do you?

36:16

Back to business. Okay period. Oh, oh, I'm

36:18

experimenting with new ones. It was really good. You really think

36:20

so? Yeah, that's why I asked. It's the Benefit

36:23

Super Fine Point. It's like red

36:25

and it's like a brush and it has a very fine point. It's a thin

36:27

marker. It's

36:29

kind of, I would say she's sort of

36:31

robust.

36:32

I'm gonna look at that. I'm gonna have a mainframe. What are you...

36:34

I use Maybelline. The new

36:37

picture that just dropped of you, the eye...

36:39

I literally... Which one? The one with you

36:41

with a gorgeous little bokeh bow in your hair. Oh,

36:44

thank you.

36:44

You know, we're both really good at drinking our own makeup, I have

36:46

to say. You make it to me? Yeah. No.

36:49

And I literally thought... No. Benefit

36:51

eyeliner red.

36:53

True. Well, I saw that.

36:56

You just wanted to help me. Yeah, that,

36:58

that. Oh, I see. That's nice. Yeah,

37:00

it looks really good. Do you

37:01

want to know what I want to bring back, by the way? What? Rachel's

37:04

though going, I'm dead. I

37:06

know. Right? Did it ever go away?

37:09

No, kind of. He invented so much.

37:11

He knows everything. Rachel's a real... I love her. Oh, no,

37:13

I die. I die. I

37:16

die. I die. I die.

37:17

You know, I started doing because, um, a friend

37:19

of the Podge, Healthy Fry, always says that she's always like,

37:21

cream, I'm cream, I'm cream. I have something.

37:24

She couldn't be less screaming if

37:25

she got it. She was like, no, no, I'm screaming. She

37:28

was kind of screaming.

37:31

You know what I meant? You're the first

37:34

time. Wait, I want to... Wait.

37:36

I just saw Mox up.

37:38

I'm trying to get there. We

37:39

can't find a video. But I left the body of yours and I just called my phone.

37:41

We met

37:43

at this stand up show you were in town before

37:46

you moved to New York, or even Tally, I think.

37:48

And it was like this

37:49

venue in like

37:51

East Blamesburg that has like barrels everywhere

37:53

of whiskey. I know. Oh, Game

37:55

of Tada Show. Oh my god, they're

37:58

wearing that for the first time.

38:00

That was a show! What

38:04

made you the most special girl in the world? No,

38:06

I need you to say that. I don't know why,

38:08

but

38:08

as soon as we met I was like, we were the most special.

38:12

You fell in love instantly. I do thank

38:14

you. Now, this

38:16

is the one question we asked. Since

38:18

you were last on the pod, who

38:20

are you and who do you want to be? Oh,

38:22

that's so interesting!

38:23

Since I was

38:25

last on the pod, there was so

38:26

much to say.

38:27

I'm actually a slow-up

38:29

because that makes me

38:30

feel like I'm 22 years old. I remember when

38:32

you were living in Chicago and you were like,

38:34

I have this open mic. I literally can take my rent

38:36

with it. I love it. I want to call him Chicago. You

38:39

want to hear something that's going

38:40

to make you cry? So,

38:42

Shao Lau, the cole's bar and grill, cole's

38:45

bar in Chicago,

38:45

where I was hosting that mic. That

38:48

was my first comedy job I ever had, was Cole,

38:50

Coleman Bryce, owner of the bar, Cole's. He could

38:52

be the latest in something

38:53

like that. I

38:55

paid rent from that

38:57

open mic and that was my first comedy job, which was really

39:00

special. Literally,

39:02

when I did my show in Chicago, he was

39:04

sitting for a while. I was rolling

39:06

with a whole staff of more.

39:09

They were in Chicago to do this for him. They were

39:11

in Chicago to do this for him. I did Zainese.

39:14

You're so comedy cool. You're

39:16

a fucking comedian. No,

39:18

I'm not. It's still a good weekend. Every

39:21

time I say it, I'm going to start crying. You're

39:24

the one queen.

39:25

Don't you guys remember

39:27

everyone who's helped you and been nice to you? All

39:30

it takes is someone,

39:32

because you feel so crack-bock crazy, being like,

39:35

I just want to go be a comedian. It

39:37

says it. One person

39:38

is like, you're a comedian? I'm going

39:41

to pay you to be a fan now. It's

39:43

like, whoa. That changes

39:45

the game for Eba and Eba. I

39:48

want

39:50

people to have that.

39:52

Totally. I'm not going to be that person on that

39:54

show. I'm not cool. I'm

39:56

not going to be in school. I didn't know

39:58

about that. Oh, great. I

40:01

mean, who is it like your first? Oh my

40:03

god. I don't know who mine is. I just remembered

40:09

Daniel and Alan at Club

40:11

Coming. Your

40:14

person was literally Alan coming.

40:16

That's a major lady.

40:18

It's a major lady. It's a major lady.

40:20

But I guess for me it would be like Paul and Jenna

40:23

and Lucia. No, totally.

40:24

Is that when you felt like the most like...

40:25

I was like, oh I'm a TV writer. These people like... I

40:28

have no credits for these people like

40:30

let me write for their show. That's the hardest thing I've ever done.

40:32

Yeah, I mean, you're one of the funniest

40:34

people. You know that. You know that. You don't

40:37

accept it. We know it. We

40:39

know it. It's going down in the history books. We don't have to read the book.

40:41

It's going down in the books. I believe this. Wait,

40:44

the last time I went to St. Alan, I was so stressed

40:46

out because they were announcing in the back and they

40:48

were like, well you were about to do Jewish Elvis. No,

40:51

you were there. And they were like, I was there and they were like

40:53

Sarah Sherman to the floor. And like Sarah

40:55

Sherman to the floor. I literally

40:57

have a sound like a woman with a tear

40:59

shake.

41:02

Sarah is there. What are you doing? What are you doing?

41:05

You saw a really intense

41:07

moment. Well, I heard it. Because it was like everybody

41:09

was like, you need to be in position before the camera... It goes live camera

41:11

action. So magical. So magical. So

41:13

magical. You can actually like so grateful.

41:16

It's so... You're right. It's so magical. It's so magical.

41:18

You're right. I can't believe you thought because that was like you

41:21

have to be in the position before it's

41:23

live camera action. And I had

41:25

a quick change right before. And

41:27

Jewish

41:28

Elvis was very like... It was so funny.

41:30

I loved it. I just had to... It was

41:33

a hard one to do because it's all you. Yeah,

41:35

it wasn't all you. Not

41:37

strange. And it was like one of the

41:39

sketches like you're reading off cue cards. Like the

41:41

job is reading off cue

41:42

cards. But I wanted to achieve this effect where

41:44

I like switched my eyeline from camera to camera

41:46

to camera. Yeah. So I had

41:49

to be off-book. That's so hard. Which is why

41:51

you're not allowed to do that. And I shouldn't

41:52

have done that. But I wanted to be able to like

41:55

swing from camera to camera. You're not allowed to do that? Why? Because they

41:57

like to change it last minute. They change it last minute and you can maybe

41:59

not know. You're not allowed but it's like

42:01

you can maybe not know if there's a change and then it's

42:03

like other people are relying on you Yeah,

42:05

because everyone else is you know It's

42:08

also iconic like that looks like

42:11

the tone when you just think

42:13

of all your favorite SNL bits It's always like them like

42:15

reading and breaking and laughing and killing

42:17

and it's like so fun Breaking

42:21

out You're raising

42:24

but they were really always for school breaking. Look

42:26

at me. I was raising so much. I was

42:28

raising so much watching Frasier the other day I was

42:30

just like, let's talk about it and circle that.

42:33

You know, you want to hear the funniest joke in my head That's not funny

42:35

in real life. Yeah,

42:36

I always think it's really funny this thing to myself

42:38

the first And maybe I hear the blues

42:40

are calling, toss scrambled and salad

42:42

out Oh, that's funny. I'm breaking. I'm breaking. I'm not raising

42:45

on that. I'm really trying to put some words

42:48

but that sketch was so

42:52

like dependent on like me just delivering

42:54

it to the finish line and I Memorize

42:57

and doing it off books like and achieve this effect that I wanted

42:59

which is so like

43:00

no you're right here And then

43:02

so I knew I just had to like have my

43:04

mind right

43:05

So like I and I had a really

43:08

fast quick chain Chains right before that

43:10

I got a different wig and like

43:12

whatever blah blah blah blah So I needed

43:14

to take the time to center myself. Yeah and

43:16

walk really slowly and like meditate

43:19

for a second Which meant that

43:21

I was going to be late for a sketch

43:23

that was live on television But I was like, I know

43:26

I

43:27

knew that I needed that in that And

43:32

I was like, I know I wrote this sketch

43:35

I know that my character doesn't come in until page

43:37

three Yeah, I know

43:39

that I just know I want to have that woman on the um,

43:41

she's amazing. General. She's a fucking

43:44

genius Who is screaming? Oh,

43:46

it's a run. She's your best friend on the show

43:48

general. Oh, wow

43:49

Like literally the same matter. She is

43:51

like the fucking gold

43:54

It's

43:57

like

43:57

it's not because I was so stressful All

44:00

I could do is talk to this loud speaker and the

44:02

person would have to

44:02

be there. I would die. He's a stage manager for a live show

44:05

that erases about the movie's heart. And

44:07

he's like literally, where does that, that doesn't, that job

44:09

doesn't exist anywhere else in the world. Totally. Besides

44:12

like, the Grammys. But it's like, there's not that much going on,

44:14

no offense. There's not that much going on in the Grammys.

44:16

Yeah. I

44:18

don't watch them. I certainly have never seen them. Couldn't

44:20

catch me. Couldn't catch me. The

44:23

Grammys are on right now. I was like, a perfect person. Oh, it was

44:25

like when I had... They're usually on. Billy Eilish is

44:27

always on there. I was like,

44:28

oh, my birthday. Like everybody come to my birthday party. And then everybody...

44:31

Who cares about the

44:31

Oscars? Everybody responded, I can't come with the Oscars. I was like, what are you talking

44:33

about? What are you talking about? They're not even on TV anymore.

44:36

I was like, what do you think you're, are you the queen of England

44:38

who's going to the Oscars to get nominated? I'm like

44:40

seriously. I'll go back in. I'll go back in.

44:43

I'll go back

44:43

in. Who are you now? Who am I now? Yeah.

44:47

You're touring,

44:48

you're on vacation, you're in love, you're a movie star. Oh my God.

44:51

I am, you know what's interesting? I

44:55

thought that being on SNL would fill

44:57

every hole in my life.

45:00

Like all I need is like one

45:02

good, awesome job and I will

45:04

be cured for the rest of my life. And

45:06

it's like you're just in a, I'm always in

45:08

a constant state of being like anxious and, you know what

45:10

I mean? It's like I thought that being

45:12

on SNL would

45:13

solve my constant fear that

45:14

I won't be able to fill enough tickets

45:16

to fill a room. Yeah. But

45:19

it's like, it's actually, it's actually a little

45:20

bit of a struggle. Yeah.

45:22

Now I feel

45:24

like there's more like pressure, the room's

45:26

bigger, blah, blah, blah, blah. So it's like interesting. I'm

45:28

still like basically the exact same person,

45:30

nothing has

45:31

changed. Literally the exact same person. I think

45:33

that's why words, I think that's always the vibe. Well,

45:35

and that's why I have a poop

45:36

test. Well, it's like you get bigger

45:38

and they put bigger rooms so that you still feel bad about

45:41

that. You know what I mean?

45:43

One of my like

45:43

core, core, core memories is

45:46

being backstage with you, Sarah

45:49

Squirm Sherman

45:50

and the, and you're going, we should

45:52

have both be millionaires

45:56

and you're going, I know.

45:59

Why aren't we?

45:59

For real. So it's been in the before.

46:02

It's been in the before but for real. I think

46:04

it's so extremely far from being a millionaire. I'm

46:06

going to be open about that.

46:07

I'm going to be open about that. And I

46:09

want everybody to be very clear

46:12

about how not a millionaire is. Because

46:14

everybody thinks you're a millionaire.

46:16

Well you cut your own TV. Someone's on TV

46:18

it seems like Toby Rich. But it's not

46:20

our work. It's not our work. And everything I do

46:22

is really expensive. There's

46:24

the live show that I do. It has been a lot

46:27

of crazy videos. Which is cool. Where

46:29

am I now actually? Is that now

46:31

I have at least a little money to pay people

46:33

to help me make a movie. Oh good. I

46:36

want to help. Please.

46:37

Have you a PA? I'm

46:40

going to be that person. You're going to shoot them live and I have to call

46:42

everyone and say, Catherine we need you. Catherine.

46:45

I actually

46:45

need you doing this during my live show. Hey

46:47

guys.

46:47

Put your phone down. So

46:51

what's your dream? Who

46:53

do you want to be? How

46:55

long have you been dating Mr. Tanyu? Do

46:57

you want to have a wedding and be

46:59

married after that? Is that

47:01

bad that I know? No but

47:02

when your dream is you have to have a wedding. Even if it's a quiet ceremony

47:04

so they're going to be telling you where it's like. I think I'll

47:07

start from an event. Yeah. A long term

47:09

boyfriend.

47:09

Well actually literally the only reason I would want to have a wedding is because

47:11

so few people showed up tonight at their birthday party. Have

47:14

it on

47:14

the Oscar. I'm literally

47:16

like well I still haven't had a good

47:18

party yet. When was your birthday?

47:20

Yeah we weren't in my bed. No you were. You

47:22

were filming. We're decoding. We're decoding.

47:25

We're decoding. We're

47:26

decoding. We're decoding.

47:27

You both were in my bed. I would look through my emails.

47:30

Let's

47:31

get you a wedding on your birthday on the Oscar. And

47:33

you guys are wanting to

47:34

get married. To each other. I'm not necessarily

47:36

wanting to get married. I

47:37

don't. It's so, you know I have no

47:39

desire to be married. I have no desire to go to

47:41

the bar. Me neither. I would say do you want to

47:43

have food? No I'm literally this is so. I want

47:46

to be

47:46

literally thinking about myself for the rest of my life and doing my

47:48

little project. That's

47:50

where I want to be going and doing my little project for the rest of my life.

47:53

Yeah. I want to be doing my little situations.

47:56

I'm scared to go on everyone. I want everyone hanging out

47:58

in my house.

47:59

And you're afraid of it.

47:59

There's a baby who went and over it or something. No one's thinking

48:02

I need to have like kids around for everyone to sit around.

48:04

I feel like when there's a kid you like don't want to be around because what

48:06

if I say a bad word? Oh, I'm gonna say

48:08

fuck the fucking kids around. Welcome

48:11

to the fucking world. Not pink, not pink. Yes, on the

48:13

high. Yeah, I think you just fuck. I'm timbritus. After

48:15

I can burn. Oh my god, you guys are the cutest babies

48:18

in the world. Brian's just gonna be the sexiest

48:20

out on planet

48:21

Earth, so it's like, you kinda gotta. Yeah.

48:23

That's, I mean,

48:24

it's just over. What

48:26

could it be? I hope it's a package. We do

48:28

live unboxing, we do live unboxing. I think it's probably

48:30

not.

48:30

Oh, yeah, it's on April. The dogs are coming. The friction's

48:32

crashing.

48:33

Wait, why do you guys actually like we're done recording the podcast? We're

48:35

not. We're not. I'm actually pushing down my

48:37

arm. You're my favorite. We're

48:40

recording, but

48:40

you can just... We're recording by like that. It gives

48:42

like, you have to add flora and fauna to the podcast. It brings

48:45

life. You know what I like?

48:45

They were just running all over the building. I

48:48

mean, well, she's like cheating. She's still licking.

48:51

She's clean. You bae-zer? Yeah. The shelter

48:53

said that she was born in April of 2022, but Charlie

48:55

thinks she's younger, and I

48:57

actually agree. And you're grooming her? Yeah, because

48:59

she's so hot. This is what

49:01

I need. I want a dog that's literally this

49:03

big. For the listeners of Home Mom Holding Up One

49:05

Inch. Yeah. That doesn't pee or

49:08

lick. I know. I

49:10

don't mind licking, but if a dog didn't pee or poop, I'd have

49:12

like seven of them.

49:13

Your entire life becomes about stinking

49:15

by your dog's pee. Wait, she likes showing

49:17

off. She likes to have like a human like nose. I

49:19

love her poo-see area. She loves showing her

49:21

poo-see. I love her swimming. I'm not touching it. Where

49:24

is the poo-see? I'm not touching it. I'm not touching it.

49:27

I'm really touching

49:30

it.

49:31

She likes to have it off. She likes to be proud of what

49:33

she's got. Is this just on my body? You guys, you

49:35

have a perfect body. You have a

49:37

perfect body. Have you ever looked in my arms? I'm

49:39

looking at them right now. Look at that. If I had- I'd

49:41

be here for Lauren's sizes. If I literally had boobs

49:43

like you, no one would ever see the

49:45

end of them.

49:46

You know what? They're like,

49:48

I'm having massy bows, massy

49:50

everything

49:50

else. I want a huge pack of pee. I think

49:52

you can wear like

49:53

an Aravale or Jane's Band in stress tomorrow.

49:56

I had- and

49:58

some lessons of when we can't see. 0% of

50:01

my body is visible what I'm wearing right now. At all times

50:04

basically. Yeah, you always rock the oversized.

50:06

I like, I'm literally wearing... So you are

50:08

still so beautiful. Oh my god, there was jam at the end

50:10

of the sea.

50:11

There was jam in the dog's purse. I like your glasses. Thanks.

50:14

You don't really wear them very much.

50:15

Well, I'm actually kind of transitioning into

50:18

contact. And by the way, if you want to talk about Congress for

50:20

one second, do you wear contact?

50:21

No. Neither of you were

50:23

rare. We have good skin and eyes. You have good vision?

50:26

Yeah. It's something you can do.

50:28

That's cool. It's called a personality. No. I

50:31

see. My tooth missing. I like your tooth missing. It's

50:33

like Johnny Depp in a cool way. Like when

50:35

Johnny

50:35

Depp is like... Getting

50:37

replaced with

50:48

Okay.

50:59

If you wanna mess around

51:01

with your teeth like that. Okay. Exactly. Do

51:03

you mess things with your teeth? Okay.

51:06

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

51:09

That's a $75,000

51:09

problem. I

51:12

always remember like

51:14

being little and like

51:16

going to bed and my parents going to a Halloween party

51:18

and they came in like to say goodnight. And so we could see

51:20

their costumes. Our mom was going as a hockey player and then

51:22

she like clocked up with her teeth. And everything like

51:24

that is so funny. Like what a funny

51:26

idea. You thought your mom was rock and roll. Yeah. My

51:28

parents would never dress up. I can't imagine that. They

51:31

don't dress up as a hockey player. Well they were young. They were

51:33

like no offense. No offense.

51:35

Your parents were like no offense.

51:37

Are they? Yeah. Oh it's compared to

51:39

you. Well in current day. Yeah.

51:41

Well your parents are like rippling.

51:43

They're 58 to 59. They

51:46

started having children when they were like 27.

51:47

Oh whoa whoa whoa. I

51:49

have no sense. Really? And let's

51:52

get the blessing out of his dry. They go

51:54

whoa. They go who?

51:56

Long Island parents. Yeah. Wait where

51:58

are your family? I just went for it.

51:59

just went there, they're doing great. Aww. They

52:02

took leather back on the East Coast.

52:03

They literally came, they literally

52:06

can't get it off of them. You really were like pretending

52:08

you love LA. I love LA. It wasn't

52:10

working for me. I do love LA. Yeah.

52:13

You know what? I actually have no desire to go back there at

52:15

any moment in time because I get the idea,

52:18

the thought of being dehydrated.

52:20

Like I just like when I'm in LA, I'm dehydrated. It's

52:22

dehydrated the whole time. What do you think that's about? It's

52:25

very

52:25

dry. The

52:26

desert sucks everything you have. So which shows

52:28

do you have coming up this summer?

52:30

I want to tour the whole summer. That's my sign. But

52:32

I'm paranoid about the tour because I have to be taking care of my

52:34

instrument. But I get so

52:35

carried away. What do you think I should take

52:37

what ends? Literally,

52:39

here's a thing, by the way, nobody

52:41

knows. I know. I think with the voice,

52:44

it's just about taking such good care

52:46

outside of the show that when you're in this way, you

52:48

can let loose.

52:49

I know. But there's even things that you have to be doing

52:51

when you're letting loose that's taking care of it while it's

52:53

happening.

52:54

Yeah, that's just like practice. Sometimes I'm like,

52:56

you're already thinking it. I never take care

52:58

of mine. It's perfect. Because again, your

53:01

voice is actually channeling from like, you

53:04

have a

53:04

cord of energy to it. Yeah, it is. If

53:07

I was a man, I didn't hear anything.

53:09

So do you guys have a crush of the week?

53:12

Oh. Wait, go first. OK.

53:15

You go first. Four.

53:16

My crush of the week

53:19

is the ocean. Oh, really? You

53:22

went to wave?

53:23

You went to wave because I went swimming in the ocean on 4th

53:25

of July. It was like, it's medicinal. Do

53:27

you want to hear something so fucking crazy? No. Five

53:30

people were bitten by sharks on 4th of July on

53:32

Long Island.

53:33

Yeah. And nobody started to remember. Wait, I don't think

53:35

I have to name it. We're on Long Island. Robert Moses runs Beast.

53:38

What's going on? Robert Moses. Yeah. You must

53:40

have been a Beast girl growing up. Wow,

53:42

Robert Moses. And you know that's where I saw Alicia Keys on the concert.

53:45

Oh. I never went to a John Deuce concert. I never

53:47

went to a John Deuce concert. 50, 50.

53:54

Oh, my

53:54

god. 50 sharks brought it at one Beast

53:56

in Long Island. Do you know what they mean? I'm going to take

53:58

you in

53:58

the bath. Well, yes. Well, do you know?

53:59

Yeah,

54:02

I think it should. In five years things will be

54:04

different in a better way.

54:10

100%. I'm afraid of...

54:11

If I hadn't gotten bitten by a shark on

54:14

my fourth and final fire island... I would

54:16

laugh and laugh. I would laugh

54:18

till Kingpin came. Mrs. April, did

54:20

you guys see the video of the woman on the

54:23

plane being like, that guy's not real?

54:26

I like...

54:27

There is this viral video of a woman...

54:30

What is she on? She's on truth. Period.

54:32

I have to show you guys a video.

54:34

I only want to say what it is on air. I just

54:36

showed you guys a YouTube video of someone who's on something.

54:39

I just want to say what they're on. I

54:42

want to see what they're on truth. Okay, my

54:44

question is the ocean. What's yours? My question is too

54:47

bold. One, I have to give it to things I

54:49

learned in the podcast. I'm a YouTube fan. Two, my question

54:51

is... Major Leza. What

54:54

happens when I'm trying to get rid of food care for April? I

54:56

know, he really

54:57

is. Well, did they see Australian because they heard that

55:00

pink is literally huge in

55:01

Australia. She sells out, sells out, sells out.

55:04

She must be so rich. Yeah.

55:08

Because

55:08

Walmart is not paying her for free. Walmart is not

55:10

paying

55:10

her for free. It's okay. It's

55:14

okay. What about

55:16

you? Do you have one? My question of the

55:18

week

55:18

is this diet coke that I'm drinking. How cute is this?

55:21

It's so small. I love it. Why

55:23

do you want all of it? I never

55:25

ever, ever, ever. You want everything everywhere.

55:26

I wish there was

55:28

a bigger version of this.

55:30

That's coke zero? Yeah,

55:32

totally. It's literally

55:35

heaven on earth. What is it? What

55:38

is

55:38

it? That's why I don't understand how could it be everything everywhere.

55:40

I know.

55:41

I'm trying to tell

55:43

you. You're making me mad. You're

55:46

making me mad. I'm

55:49

an illini. We

55:52

have to

55:52

edit out so much. I

55:55

don't even-

55:57

We have to edit so much out of the podcasts.

55:59

four minutes before I go to the ballroom. I'm

56:02

sorry. No. And do you guys

56:04

go hot today? Oh god. Oh god.

56:07

You went to meet like a beauty queen. I went to

56:08

the ballroom. You messed me up. I don't go hot

56:10

in this moment but I think I will.

56:11

I mean, pull up. Like, let's go

56:13

gather. Like, let's go gather.

56:14

You know, I mentioned Ratu now. We're going all the time.

56:17

What? Wait, can you be my running coach? I have

56:19

a lot to talk about. Yes. Oh, are you

56:21

getting into running? I... Oh,

56:24

I didn't know that. And here's the thing.

56:25

I'm

56:31

a high school runner and now my knees and hips hurt and I have to go to acupuncture for

56:33

it. What's going on? Acupuncture

56:35

works. It works for me. I gotta

56:37

go. It is... It is literacy. How

56:40

many times do you have to go to feel it? How many times do you have to go to feel it? Because

56:42

I might go... You do like movies as well. Whenever

56:44

I go to acup... I'm not yelling at you but whenever I go to acupuncture it's like, okay, I feel

56:46

the same. Do you like the feeling of when it's happening? No.

56:50

Well, so I think... I like my thoughts.

56:51

I'm like, actually touch me bitch. Will it work for

56:53

emotional pain? Yes. Okay, I

56:55

got it. What

56:56

about play kick pain? Yes.

56:58

What about me hating

56:59

myself in the motion? Yes. Yes.

57:02

What do you mean? Oh,

57:03

why don't you eat it? Are you mad at me?

57:05

Not even close.

57:06

Are you mad at me? Look,

57:07

couldn't be less mad at anything over

57:09

the whole time. Are you mad at me? Not at all.

57:12

There's something

57:12

else doing that. I can't remember. I

57:14

think it was bad. I

57:16

mean, I'm supposed

57:17

to say it's so hot today. Oh yes, of course. I

57:20

literally

57:21

couldn't feel less hot. You know what?

57:23

I'm feeling poofy. You're a nice little

57:25

poofy girl. I

57:27

was thinking before this, when you didn't sign in, it's like, do

57:29

you, what do you think about both?

57:32

You support both. I need both.

57:35

I don't care about both. I don't care about both. No,

57:37

both not. Oh, both not. Oh, well I

57:39

told you I need a full.

57:39

No, look at my teeth. I look 45. I

57:42

need both. No, wait. Look, do

57:44

you know why you don't? Because you're moving your eyebrows and I don't

57:46

see a single line. I need

57:48

it. Look at this. Well, not your

57:50

line. Nope. You guys can't, we can't get both

57:52

arms because we are, we're expressing ourselves. She

57:55

gets her phone.

57:55

She gets her phone. We're on the page.

57:58

I'm on. But

58:00

what do I need? You're an actress. What

58:02

I need and I'm not kidding, full

58:05

facial reconstruction surgery. It's so beautiful. It's

58:09

so pretty. And I need... How'd you get

58:11

so beautiful? Are your parents hot? My

58:13

parents

58:13

are beautiful. My parents are close to us. You second that, are your parents

58:16

hot? That's a really good technique.

58:17

Is your brother hot?

58:18

My brother looks exactly like me, so do it

58:20

without what

58:21

you know. What does he know? What

58:24

does he know? He knows how

58:26

to do it. You don't know what I mean? He doesn't know. He

58:28

thinks manager. He thinks manager

58:31

on his own. Y'all just

58:32

like how can I help him in an amazing

58:35

manner? Okay,

58:35

well that's kind of gonna be our episode. Check out

58:37

Sarah Squirm Sherman at the

58:40

Wilbur & Boston.

58:42

And just like please come to the show. Don't

58:44

embarrass me.

58:45

Yeah, don't embarrass her. I don't think we're in

58:46

front of my home and our Jack Fenton Yellis who's literally funnier

58:48

than me. So I'm like... That can't be true. He's

58:51

so funny that I'm like... What are we supposed to go on after

58:53

this? I think he's telling me what he's even talking about. I

58:56

don't need policies. Wait, Jack

58:58

seriously, Paul, Paul. We're guessing what's

59:00

going on. I don't think I follow him. I know we're a bit like

59:03

loud and I made it to your taste. Do you think anyone

59:05

understood a word about your second voice? No. This is actually

59:07

gonna go down in history of the same thing

59:09

as the article, but it's made the least sense.

59:12

Because when I'm around you guys, I literally...

59:14

I'm undirected and you're not. I ain't

59:16

gonna respond at all. I had

59:16

to do that time of my life. I literally didn't say one word.

59:19

I just elided through my... Is that the word? Elited?

59:21

Elited is like to take place. Oh, beautiful.

59:23

Yeah. Wait, can I re- Oh, you can't.

59:27

See, you are a big leap. Or maybe it's

59:29

a land. It might be a land. I literally like, I just blew

59:32

through. Wait, I'm gonna be talking about the camera. I just blew Sean Sousa's

59:34

nose. Okay, I'm gonna have a couple of rounds.

59:36

Okay, I'm gonna

59:36

have an elitist first.

59:38

Oh, my phone won't go. Look at him,

59:40

this is his incorporation. Sometimes

59:41

I feel like I'm- I'm so excited that USA

59:43

track champion starts to

59:44

go. I'm so cute for that.

59:47

Look right there, mom. Oh, just send

59:50

it. Okay. Are you an expert

59:51

on Taylor? Okay, let's see him land. Okay,

59:53

you guys are gonna- He's gonna be eating for the kids.

59:56

You guys are gonna end on this. The light, it actually means to land.

59:58

I was thinking I'm an avid import. So

1:00:01

that is one of the funniest things of all time.

1:00:04

Goodbye, I'm Givlin. It shouldn't mean the opposite. Thank you

1:00:06

guys. Goodnight, Givlin. Thank you

1:00:08

guys. See you soon.