0:04

Hello lovely humans, I'm Wyo Lee and you

0:06

are listening to Sex Stories, a podcast where

0:08

we share stories to smash shame and make

0:10

the world a sexier, more loving place where

0:12

taking care of each other is the norm.

0:15

And our guest today is an

0:18

original shame-destroying revolutionary, a sex and

0:20

relationship coach, educator, and co-owner of

0:22

a mother-daughter-owned pledge of boutique. She

0:25

is a painfully straight, non-monogamous person

0:27

who is into sensual doms who love

0:30

pussy worship, and has a

0:32

tried and true method of drive-by-daddying, has

0:34

also recently discovered she is a

0:36

full-on brat. You may already

0:39

know her from her incredible podcast, Shameless

0:41

Sex, and she and her co-host April

0:43

Lamper also recently released a book by

0:45

the same name, so go check it

0:47

out. Welcome Amy Baldwin! Aw,

0:50

thank you so much for having me here, and I

0:52

love the interest of the- probably my favorite intro I've

0:54

ever heard because brats never been in there and I

0:56

love being a brat, so thank you. I

0:59

love that. Wait, let's pause there for a minute.

1:01

So you discovered you were a brat. Yes.

1:04

The short version of the origin story would be when

1:06

I was 18 to 22 and I was in a very

1:12

loving long-term partnership at

1:14

a young age. I knew I wanted to feel

1:16

small and I didn't know how to describe it.

1:18

I would say to my partner, I want to

1:20

feel small. Can you make me feel small? I'm

1:22

over five nine, five nine and a quarter-ish, and

1:25

he had no idea what to do with it.

1:27

I didn't really know what to do with it.

1:29

I didn't know what that meant. I just knew

1:32

that I wanted this compact feeling that I don't

1:34

feel in everyday life, and I'm also

1:36

a doer. I'm a very proactive person,

1:38

and anyway, so as the years went

1:40

by, I discovered that I'm actually a

1:42

sub. I like percentages because I'm a

1:44

very heady person, so I go with

1:46

like, I'm 90% subby and 10%

1:51

I can be switchy, but my top

1:53

energy is very much ... It's a

1:55

small window. I

1:58

didn't realize though that my sub- energy

2:01

could transform. And so now knowing that

2:03

in the last two years, I discovered that it's

2:05

a brat. And it's not always a brat. It

2:07

can be like a central loving sub. I

2:09

can be, you know, worshipping sub. And I

2:11

can also be the bratty one where everything

2:13

you're telling me, I'm like, Hmm, yeah,

2:16

I'm not gonna do that. But you're probably gonna

2:18

make me do that. But like, it's on my

2:21

own terms, right? I like to defy because at the

2:23

end of the day, I always

2:25

win. And that's the story that I

2:27

have with any lover that I have my

2:29

current partner, any future or present lovers is

2:31

I will always win because

2:33

I'm a subby brat and I'm topping from

2:35

the bottom. Oh,

2:39

it's lovely. So when I'm bad, I win

2:41

when I'm good. I win. I always

2:43

win. Oh my God, as a genius.

2:46

Can you start off by rating yourself

2:48

on a sexual shame a meter? If 10 is

2:51

the most full of shame ever and one is

2:53

like no more shame. Where do you fall today?

2:56

Today? Oh, wow. Today would

2:58

be close to

3:00

zero. But if you

3:02

asked me five years ago, 10 years ago, 20

3:05

years ago, it would be a higher number. For sure. 20 years

3:07

ago, you know, teenage Amy and

3:09

20 I'm 38 now would

3:12

have had a lot more shame around who I

3:14

am as a sexual being. And

3:16

as I say that I was raised in

3:18

Santa Cruz, California, so like a little more

3:20

progressive, and as I say that as

3:22

well, it's not like a sunshine and rainbows

3:24

city. People think like, Oh, Santa Cruz, if

3:26

you've heard of it, you're like, Oh, that

3:28

sounds like it's so progressive. It is in

3:30

so many ways. And we have comprehensive sex

3:32

education. I opened up a sex shop with my

3:34

mom in my early 20s

3:37

in Santa Cruz, it was very easy to open

3:39

a sex shop too, because there's a city ordinances

3:41

and also people would be astounded by the fact

3:43

that I could talk about dildos and anal sex

3:45

next to my mom in a sex shop. So

3:47

I was with the way I was raised was

3:49

sex is not a bad thing. You're

3:51

probably going to have sex in your teenage years.

3:54

It's okay, you can do it in your bedroom

3:56

in our house. And I

3:58

think that was like the first couple of stories. steps

4:00

on not being a super

4:03

shameful human around sexuality, but I

4:05

still didn't have a lot of

4:07

the education around pleasure, right? Like

4:09

I knew sex wasn't bad. I

4:11

knew how to protect myself against

4:13

pregnancy, STIs, but no one taught

4:15

me about orgasm, masturbation, a

4:17

lot of the things that would have been

4:19

really vital to have really epic sex or

4:21

not maybe, but good sex, pleasurable

4:24

sex, enjoyable sex, connected sex

4:26

at a younger age. And it took

4:28

years, like my mid twenties to start

4:30

to go into that place. And

4:33

now at 38, I am my

4:35

most shameless self, hence my

4:37

podcast name, shameless sex. Yeah,

4:40

does it still ever creep up or like, what

4:42

are the areas where shame does kind of, cause

4:44

mine are so funny, right? Like it's not about

4:46

sex. It's not about talking about sex, but there

4:48

is like really weird moments where I'm like, oh

4:51

my God, I'm telling people about my work

4:53

related to sex or like, you know, in

4:55

random circumstances. So like, does it ever still

4:57

attack you? Do you get shame attacks? Yeah,

5:00

shame. I like that. It's like panic attacks, the

5:02

shame attacks. So I personally see the difference between

5:05

embarrassment and shame, right? So there's these times I'm

5:07

talking about certain things where I feel embarrassed, man,

5:09

I get all red in the face. I have

5:11

a weird awkward smile. I don't even, I'm like,

5:13

let me tell you about like on an airplane.

5:16

I'm like, what do you do for a living?

5:18

I'm like, Oh my God, how long is this

5:20

flight? Do I really want to tell you? I'm

5:22

a sex educator, sex and relationship coach, all these

5:24

pieces. I have a podcast. You know,

5:26

if it's an hour flight, sure. But if we have four

5:28

hours next to each other, I'm like, do

5:31

I really want to tell you about this?

5:33

Because not all people can

5:35

handle it. Meaning it can

5:37

be twisted into one, you're a super

5:39

freak. You're into everything. You're so wide. Let me tell you

5:42

all the things I'm a swinger. I've done all things. What

5:44

about you? And I don't really want to be a sex

5:46

therapist on the plane. Do you get that too? Well,

5:49

I am the super freak. And I do

5:51

want to hear the story on the plane,

5:53

but I try to be conscious of other

5:55

people around us. And yeah, yeah, I

5:58

feel that you're closer to April. who

6:00

would have been here, she's my co-host

6:02

of the podcast. And April is the

6:04

person on the four plus hour flight

6:07

that loves to talk to her neighbor.

6:09

And I'm a little bit of

6:11

an introvert and it's not based on shame.

6:13

It's more like I just recharge by not

6:15

connecting with people. So

6:18

yeah, I don't think shame pops up

6:20

at least around sex. It

6:22

will pop around other things in my life. Like

6:25

one thing that I recently came out about, hence

6:27

the name Shameless Sex, but it's not just about

6:29

sex. It's just trying to be as shameless as

6:31

possible about life is I came out on our

6:33

podcast about having an addiction

6:36

problem for a couple of years with a substance. I'm

6:38

not gonna out the substance. I don't really feel like

6:40

it's necessary. So that brings

6:43

up that like, oh

6:45

God, is everyone gonna hate me? Am I

6:47

bad? Am I wrong? Are you not gonna love

6:49

me? But when it comes to sex, I

6:51

don't really have that anymore. That's gone

6:53

into another plane and hopefully it

6:55

never comes back. Fuck

6:58

yeah, that's beautiful. I still get like shame

7:00

me around like, oh no, I like it

7:02

too much. I'm so crazy. And then

7:05

like the connection problems that ensue from that

7:07

or the ones that I'm saying are problems.

7:09

Tell us what is sex to

7:12

you? You've been bathing in it

7:14

for years. Like what is it

7:17

to April? So sex is

7:19

at least now for me. And

7:22

I'd say for the last 10 years,

7:26

I personally define and I think this is

7:28

part of everyone define what sex is for them. And I'm sure

7:30

you would agree. Sex to me is anything

7:33

and everything that anyone thinks is sex, if that's

7:35

what you think is sex because it's your own

7:37

definition. So to me, when I am

7:39

having sex, it could be, I'm gonna get

7:41

with my partner and we're just making out

7:43

and there's no genital touch with fingers or

7:45

mouth. And to me, that can still be a

7:47

part of sex. As a

7:49

non-monogamous person, I've had encounters

7:51

with people where I go on a date and we just make out.

7:54

I wouldn't say it was sex

7:56

in that case. Maybe nakedness

7:59

has something. to do with it,

8:01

but it's just always evolving. There's not

8:03

any set definition. And when I say

8:05

that it's my definition, I don't think

8:08

anyone should define sex as, you

8:10

know, my way or anyone else's

8:12

way, whatever you think that is.

8:14

And I will push for people

8:17

to redefine sex to be

8:19

beyond penetration, you know, something

8:21

going into an orifice or the traditional

8:23

version of the penis goes into over

8:25

China. I work with couples I

8:27

have since 2016. And one of the

8:31

big problems is a lot of them, but with

8:34

the biggest problems that people are seeing in their

8:36

relationships is that it's so limited, right?

8:38

Sex is you put your

8:40

cock inside of me, or there's something inside of

8:42

me or orgasm has to have an orgasm. And

8:45

I think when we move away from that,

8:47

and we define sex as something broader,

8:49

there's so many more opportunities for

8:51

us to have sex with our

8:54

partners, especially in long term relationships, when like,

8:56

sex can be challenging, especially a kid, you're married,

8:59

you're busy. I mean, you're in laws living the

9:01

house, I don't know what your life is like. But

9:03

if it is just this one narrow

9:05

way of being sexual, that's be

9:07

really challenging. Because I personally have many

9:09

times in my life where I want to be sexual,

9:11

but I don't want something inside of me outside of time,

9:13

my body takes a long time to warm up. So it's

9:16

not even on the menu. But I can still have sex,

9:18

I'm doing air quotes without it having to

9:20

really be this huge event. Like I can

9:23

have sex in five minutes if I want

9:25

to. And nothing's inside of me. And

9:27

that's my definition. Oh, I love

9:29

that. I love that. Tell us now what is

9:31

sexy to you? Sexy? Well,

9:33

my personal sexy. So I'll talk about

9:35

sexy in a partner and sexy in

9:38

myself. I could even talk about sexy

9:40

outside of myself. But for me, I learned

9:42

how to happen to my ultimate sexy. I

9:45

thought I knew what it was. And then I

9:47

did a sex and relationship coaching training through

9:50

somatica. And Emily

9:52

Morse, Dr. Emily Morse from sex with Emily, the

9:54

podcast was in the training and that we became

9:56

really good friends. That's how my podcast with April

9:58

started in getting to know her and

10:01

guessing her show. But one of the exercises

10:03

was two and I had been a

10:05

meditator for years. So I knew like eroticism

10:07

and I knew how to be present with touch and I

10:09

knew they both added up to some really good stuff. And

10:12

so one of the exercises was for me

10:15

to touch Emily with like full

10:17

clothes on because that's the somatica

10:19

way you never take clothes off

10:21

for the practices and touch her in a

10:23

way where I am putting my

10:25

like sending out my eroticism with

10:28

presence. And I was touching her

10:30

body over her clothes and

10:33

the main instructor was two of

10:35

them but one of the instructors Celeste came up

10:37

and I was like oh fuck the instructors here

10:39

oh my god oh my god. And she's

10:41

like hmm how is that for you

10:43

Emily? And Emily was like yeah

10:46

not that erotic. And

10:48

I was like fuck I'm doing it

10:51

right because I was just doing this

10:53

like you know meditator like presence presence

10:55

presence and I wasn't

10:57

like tapping into and when I think

10:59

of tapping into I think of like sending

11:01

my energy downward into my pussy and

11:03

then sending outward to the person that

11:05

I'm consensually touching through where however I'm

11:07

touching them so this would be through

11:10

my hands. I didn't know

11:12

how to do that at that point. So then

11:14

they pulled me aside taught me a couple things

11:16

and all of a sudden I discovered this superpower

11:18

all within one day of how

11:20

to like I would say breathe myself

11:22

into it but beyond breath is this

11:25

imagination it's like taking time for myself

11:27

closing my eyes honing in on like

11:29

Amy's sexy and Amy's sexy is primal

11:31

she's like a little bit of a

11:33

not a little bit a lot a

11:36

bit of an animal she's cat like

11:38

she wants to grab and claw and

11:40

pet herself and others and be

11:42

pet and clawed and all the

11:44

things and sometimes she's sultry

11:46

and she says things and sultry words sometimes she's

11:49

playful and it's almost like she's like 10 year

11:51

old and there's all these different

11:53

sides to her so that's my sexy

11:55

when I see a lover being sexy

11:57

because I'm a savvy person they're generally

11:59

like there's strong masculine of some sort.

12:01

This is why I'm painfully straight. Although I

12:03

know that vulva owning folks can tap into

12:05

the strong masculine and I have

12:08

been intimate with a number of wonderful dominant

12:10

vulva owning folks, but I'm five

12:12

nine and a quarter. Okay. So

12:16

they have to be taller than me. There's something about body

12:18

size for me that is really important. Okay.

12:20

And I can't get beyond that.

12:22

And so that sexiest I feel

12:24

taken care of. Like I can

12:27

release all of my

12:29

wild aminess, including crying,

12:32

screaming, laughing, anger, all the things.

12:34

And I'm not directing them like, fuck you

12:36

motherfucker, but more like, I'm

12:38

feeling about it. And they can hold

12:40

that. And that is so sexy. They're

12:43

like, Oh yeah, baby, let it

12:45

out. Like my little girl's doing such a

12:47

good job. And I'm like, Oh,

12:49

dude, I feel

12:53

that's so hard on this note

12:55

of being painfully straight. So there's a size

12:57

thing. But like, when did you know

12:59

you were straight? Since I

13:01

was like two and went to my mom, like,

13:03

mom, can I have a boyfriend? I flirted with

13:06

a boy. I didn't say flirt. I don't know.

13:08

Flirted was it too. But my mom has said,

13:10

and I remember this being in preschool and me

13:12

coming home and saying, this guy's my boyfriend. She's

13:14

like, you're like four. You don't know what I'm

13:17

saying. And it was just like, I had

13:20

a crush and I have had crushes and

13:22

boys. Some of my first best friends are

13:24

boys. I'm an only child who was not

13:26

surrounded by sisters. But I

13:28

was that girl that played Barbies and wanted

13:30

to chase snakes. When I say

13:32

snakes, actual snakes, right? I wanted to race

13:35

and play with the boys and play tag

13:37

and get dirty. But I also want to

13:39

play Barbies and my little ponies. And so

13:41

that was like this interesting thing.

13:44

Amy's more so like gender spectrum. And

13:46

as someone that's over five nine

13:48

and maybe other people who are taller don't

13:50

resonate with this. I'm not saying that just

13:53

because people are tall, they're painfully straight. This

13:55

is just my thing with my body. And

13:57

I have daddy issues, everyone. I have like, I

14:01

know that that's where this originates from. My

14:03

desire to have men

14:05

show up in a strong, loving,

14:07

dominant masculine role is because my

14:10

dad didn't do that. The

14:13

straightness part is not really

14:15

related to genitals, although I've never gone

14:17

down on a pussy and I don't really desire to and I don't

14:20

really want a Volvo owner to touch my pussy. That,

14:23

to me, sometimes is silly because I'm like,

14:25

it's fingers and mouths. Why does

14:27

it matter? I am an energetic

14:29

person, so the energy

14:32

matters to me and the connection

14:34

pieces, all the pieces. I'm not

14:36

just a sexual person. I

14:38

remember taking, I don't know if you

14:40

know of Jaya, her erotic blueprints, I

14:43

took her quiz. I scored zero as

14:45

a sexual and I'm like, I'm a sexual person.

14:47

What do you mean? Really? Yeah,

14:49

but it's because for me, when I see a hot

14:51

naked body of all genders,

14:53

it doesn't do shit for me. It

14:56

doesn't even be the hottest muscular penis

14:58

owning man and it doesn't do anything

15:00

for me. It's the energy

15:02

that they bring in my

15:04

direction. I think that

15:07

that plays into my extreme straightness

15:09

where I'm so into

15:12

cock energy, but not cocky

15:15

cock energy, into lovingly

15:17

humble, confident cock energy is so hot. The

15:19

painful part is my mom's bisexual and that's

15:22

not what makes it painful. I just see

15:24

her in her life and I'm like, damn

15:26

it, that looks awesome. She's like, I have

15:28

a girlfriend right now. I have a boyfriend.

15:30

I don't know what's the next month and

15:32

you have a lot of queer friends and

15:35

I think women are

15:37

beautiful. I think

15:39

they're gorgeous. I just don't feel the

15:41

sexual attraction. I feel attraction is not

15:44

sexual. Wow. Okay.

15:47

I'm a person who feels sexual attraction.

15:50

I'm one of the highest desire

15:52

people I've ever encountered and

15:55

most of my life I just have to be like off, off,

15:57

off, off, off. When I see a

15:59

beautiful naked body. I'm not attracted to it because

16:01

I don't know I have permission yet. You know, so

16:03

for me, it's all about kind of like finding that

16:06

little piece. That's so interesting. Cool. Thank you

16:08

for sharing all those details. You're like straight

16:10

people do exist. That

16:12

is what I said before we started recording. So

16:15

lately I've been kind of noodling on

16:17

like is straightness, not to dismiss anyone's

16:19

experience ever, but I started to get

16:21

really, really curious about straightness in terms

16:24

of like, is it just a culture?

16:26

How could we not? But that's just

16:28

because my brain is so extreme of

16:30

like, yes, and I realized

16:33

that like I have higher curiosity, I have

16:35

higher like, I'm like into everything. And you

16:37

know, which is terrible, because you need to

16:39

filter at some point. And the thing that

16:41

I'll add to that is that what I've

16:43

learned through my own sexual experience is that

16:46

it's always evolving and changing. So today

16:48

I might be like, I'm painfully straight.

16:50

And, you know, in a year or

16:52

five years, 10 years, that could completely change, right?

16:54

So like, this is Amy today, this has been

16:56

Amy forever. And I

16:58

have, you know, tested it many times. If

17:01

you asked me really, like, how do you identify,

17:03

I would say the painfully straight or hetero flexible, meaning

17:05

like, I am open to the shift

17:07

in my body and being because I know

17:09

that it's possible, but I'm not going to

17:11

like try to push it to be possible.

17:14

I love that. Okay, so a

17:16

lot of your origin, the story is in your book,

17:18

which I encourage people to go read and your own

17:20

work, but I would love to hear as

17:23

a person who has been teaching

17:25

and learning from other experts for

17:27

so many years, so

17:29

many different modalities. What

17:32

do you wish modern sex ed was like?

17:36

Oh my goodness. Okay, well, it would start

17:38

with like, what we already have in comprehensive

17:40

sex education that's happening in certain areas, not all

17:42

of them. In fact, certainly not enough would be

17:44

what that already is, right? Like how to protect

17:47

yourself and attend to your body in a safe

17:49

way, especially when it comes to consent,

17:51

but also STI is pregnancy and all those

17:53

pieces that I received in comprehensive

17:55

sex education. I

17:58

would love for young people I

18:00

can't say the age because everyone's really different when they

18:02

start to be sexual. I remember being a teenager

18:04

or like a young teen, right? Thirteen and hearing

18:06

about some girls who are like giving blow jobs

18:08

like, whoa, that's crazy. I haven't

18:10

even made out with someone. So in these in California, Santa

18:13

Cruz, I received comprehensive

18:15

sex education, different variations in

18:17

fifth, seventh, ninth grade. And

18:20

so I think in fifth grade, because this

18:22

is like way before

18:24

most young people are

18:27

generally consensually having sexual experiences

18:29

that are deemed as sex,

18:31

right? They may be like spitting a bottle and

18:33

stuff and all those things. And I'm not speaking

18:35

to like nonconsensual sexual trauma because that can happen

18:37

at any age. So to have

18:40

little bits about pleasure there even

18:42

like, and it could be as

18:44

simple as anyone that you're engaging

18:46

with sexually, your pleasure is

18:49

just as valid if not, you

18:51

know, sometimes more important based on like, we

18:53

can't say this in fifth grade, but like

18:55

your pleasure is just as valid and pleasure

18:57

is important and healthy and masturbation is important

19:00

healthy. In fact, go and masturbate, discover your

19:02

body. And you know, we as parents

19:04

or the school system or as friends, we

19:06

accept that and respect that and we're doing it

19:08

too. So fifth grade, seventh grade,

19:10

you're starting to hear stories like someone so gave a

19:12

blow job or hand job or so you're a little

19:14

more immersed in sex actually

19:16

happening. Then I think we can

19:19

even go be a little more

19:21

descriptive and graphic about pleasure

19:23

and masturbation and actual sex, like what it

19:25

might look like to have sex with someone

19:27

else to be touched by someone else on

19:29

your genitals touching someone on their genitals. So

19:32

I would really like to see these

19:34

conversations happening before people actually get into

19:37

the mix of being sexual in a consensual way, because

19:40

then they would have less trial and error and less

19:42

of those experiences like I don't know if I

19:44

liked it or didn't feel very good or, you

19:47

know, instead, there could be so many more

19:49

experiences like that was amazing.

19:51

I only have one friend and I don't

19:54

need I think she's an anomaly who had

19:56

her first sexual experience essentially. Oh, so if

19:58

you heard the new. for losing your virginity

20:00

by the way. I just learned it the other day.

20:03

What is it called sexual debut? I

20:07

had never heard that and some people don't like it because

20:09

they're like it was not my debut. It was lame but

20:11

what if your first sexual experience

20:13

of like it actually whatever your definition

20:15

of sex was was actually

20:17

somewhat pleasurable or super pleasurable

20:20

and it really was a sexual debut

20:22

into the world where you're like stoked

20:24

on it in some way. It might not be

20:26

perfect but I think that

20:28

the lack of information is the reason

20:31

why that's not happening

20:33

for most people especially and

20:35

primarily vulva-owning folks. Yeah

20:38

I always think about how in high school you

20:40

know there would be those groups that would go

20:42

out and pass out condoms you know free condoms

20:44

and I'm like where was the lube? If someone

20:46

had told me what lube was like early on

20:49

my first couple sexual experiences would have been so

20:51

different especially my second time having sex. I

20:54

remember just being like something doesn't seem right

20:56

but I have no idea and then when

20:58

I learned what lube was and learned about

21:00

wetness I was like oh that was the

21:02

problem so I really feel all

21:04

that. How important would you say sex

21:07

is in your life? It

21:09

is really really important and I

21:11

already said this before so everyone who's listening

21:13

already heard my definition of sex so it's

21:16

not you know a cock inside of me.

21:18

I mean that's somewhat important but it

21:20

really as a non-monogamous person too you

21:22

know dating other people that's like the

21:24

least important thing to me. It's

21:27

more I'm into like feeling desired and

21:29

desiring and feeling the attraction, the excitement,

21:31

the newness but it also doesn't have

21:33

to be new but there's an aliveness

21:35

there and I think sexuality really holds

21:37

that for me and being really alive and

21:40

it's a creative space because it's constantly changing

21:42

and evolving at least for me not all

21:44

people are having creative sex. For

21:46

me it's vital it's my life force energy

21:48

and I imagine that a lot of folks

21:51

who would identify as non-monogamous and I'm anyone

21:53

listening my non-monogamy journey I've been

21:56

monogamous pretty much most of my life.

21:58

I'm in a four plus year relationship. We

22:00

were monogamous for the first two years,

22:03

monogamish for a year. Monogamish, Dan Savage made

22:05

that term, coined it, came out of a

22:07

term for the gay community, is

22:10

shared experiences. That's how we define it

22:12

in my world with my partner. And

22:14

then we're now in the non-monogamous phase,

22:16

meaning we're having solo experiences. And

22:18

part of that is because sexuality is so

22:20

important and the creativity

22:23

and the aliveness that we feel from it

22:25

is part of our life force energy.

22:27

So it's a key player.

22:29

I wouldn't be able to be in

22:31

a relationship that didn't have sexuality

22:34

as a key component. I

22:36

can be 80 and not have a cock

22:38

inside of me. That's fine because I know

22:40

how to play with so many other things.

22:42

We got fingers, we have mouths. I can

22:44

have sex without even having

22:46

an orgasm or something even touching my genitals. And that

22:48

will always be a part of my life. Yeah,

22:51

fuck yeah. We've just a little overview

22:54

of the landscape of your non-monogamous sex

22:56

life. How do you enjoy meeting

22:58

other people? How do you like to play with people

23:00

that are, it sounds like you have a primary partner, so

23:02

how do you like to kind of

23:05

like engage there? And what are your

23:07

criteria? Because like you're pretty much a

23:09

sex-pert. So like, is it

23:11

hard to meet people? What do you do? Yeah,

23:14

some people are like, oh God, Amy

23:16

Balderin is a sex, she either knows

23:18

or is into everything or, oh, that's

23:20

really exciting. So it can be really

23:22

intimidating. I actually, I love dating apps.

23:24

I'm a huge fan of dating apps. I know

23:26

some people don't like them. They feel

23:29

like it's not real or it's exhausting.

23:32

And I also have felt that many times with dating apps. I'm

23:35

really honest on the dating apps. I say

23:37

that I'm in an E&M relationship.

23:39

I'm in a loving partnership. I've been

23:41

monogamous, monogamous, and now we're exploring E&M.

23:44

So I like that aspect of

23:46

screening, right? Like on the apps where it's

23:48

a swiping culture based on photos and a

23:50

couple of things that you say, if you

23:53

read that and you're like, oh no, I'm not

23:55

into E&M, then you're not my

23:57

person to engage with right now. And

23:59

that's totally. I almost

24:02

prefer that screening process over

24:05

the in-person world. I do

24:07

like the in-person world. It's a deeper

24:09

conversation to have with people to describe

24:11

to them who I

24:13

am and what I'm exploring. And

24:15

I'm open to doing that. So I've had a lot

24:17

of success with dating apps. I use

24:19

field and hinge. I've had a lot of success on

24:21

field in terms of finding people that are more like

24:23

my central doms because I like the central dom thing.

24:26

And then on hinge, I'm into central doms in

24:28

there because it's hinge. It's a little more like

24:30

mainstream. But I do say E&M. I've just

24:33

magically found humans there that were really great.

24:35

I've also had some misses. And that's just

24:37

part of dating. And that's okay. I'd have

24:39

misses if it was in person. And I

24:41

met you at the yoga studio at a

24:43

bar. I'm going home. I'm like, oh, it's a miss. So

24:46

yeah, I really like the screening process that it

24:48

offers. It just works for my heady brain. And

24:50

it's not for everyone. Yeah. And

24:52

do you like to play with people right away?

24:54

Are you like, okay, central dom, chat, chat, chat,

24:56

go play, play session? Or like, what do you

24:58

kind of feel into? Because you are such an

25:00

energetic human. And can you feel that energy across

25:04

the ether? Or like, how does that work for you? It's

25:07

hard to feel it in the ether. Same. I'm

25:10

like, I can't. Yeah. Where

25:12

are you? Can I poke you? But I

25:14

can sense some of the ways that if

25:16

I say something somewhat provocative or speaking to

25:18

who I am as a sexual being, their

25:21

response, even if it's just a text message, can

25:24

tell me or inform me how

25:26

they handle that or where

25:28

they're at with it. And

25:30

so I can get some low

25:33

scale information. So I still

25:35

go slow with that, but I'm not like, let's text for

25:37

five weeks. I've gone on trips to Europe and I'm

25:39

like, I have one day when I'm there, let's meet

25:41

up soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've

25:44

got to figure this out real quick. Yeah. Yeah. I

25:47

have limited time. I was actually meeting, so I would like

25:49

to meet people in person. If I have time, like it's not

25:51

like I have one night in Portugal or one night

25:53

in Germany or one night wherever I am, because

25:55

I travel a lot. If I have time, like

25:58

someone's in Santa Cruz where I live or. I'm

26:00

somewhere for you know a week or somewhere where

26:02

I go often I was actually

26:04

preferred to meet with someone Let's say Santa Cruz

26:06

where I can meet with you for like coffee

26:08

or something Just like age the energy to see

26:10

like do we even like talking to each other?

26:13

Cuz if we don't like talking to each other I

26:15

don't want to have air quotes again sex like you've

26:17

been making out with you because I want to see

26:19

That's important to me. You're not just a body to

26:21

me. You're a person and that's vital. Yes You're an

26:24

energetic as well. And then if we

26:26

start to engage sexually I would

26:28

prefer to layer it with

26:30

experience by experience day by

26:32

day not back-to-back days But like the first day

26:35

let's just make out and see how that feels

26:37

and if that feels good the next time Let's

26:39

make out with our clothes off. Oh, but not

26:41

touch genitals Maybe my panties are gonna stay on

26:43

cuz this is labor and then the next time

26:45

if that last one felt good Then

26:48

let's take the panties off and like start

26:50

exploring genitals, but without putting things inside of

26:52

orifices. I Indulge and

26:54

love the experiences that you can

26:56

have Let's say slowness,

26:58

but I might say slowness. It doesn't mean that

27:00

I'm always moving slow It's just by not moving

27:02

to like the final destination And

27:05

I'm not doing that so the final decision so

27:07

amazing is to make sure that even want to

27:09

go to the final Destination and when I say

27:11

final also, I'm like, I know that penetrates like

27:14

this in the final destination But for me, it's

27:16

a really invasive experience and that can be really

27:19

amazing and mind-blowing But if

27:21

I don't trust you and feel connected to

27:23

you and like our bodies work really well

27:25

together It's not going to be good for

27:27

me. And so I don't want to do

27:30

that. Okay, damn. I am the opposite

27:32

I'm like, there's something to put inside of me

27:34

right now. Can I have it? Can I you

27:36

know? So I really have to work so hard

27:38

to slow myself down I'm like all the whole

27:40

film, you know, and so it's like I just

27:42

have to fucking call it So that's that's very

27:44

inspiring the idea of yeah that

27:47

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for nine consecutive years. executive years,

30:00

tap to learn more. What

30:02

makes bringing a new person into your life gratifying

30:05

for you? Yeah, but you

30:07

come back to the aliveness and the newness

30:09

of feeling wanted and desired, but also the

30:11

newness of getting to know someone in the

30:13

connection, which is really interesting. So I'm actually

30:16

a pretty introverted person. I describe myself

30:18

as an introvert with extroverted tendencies. If you

30:20

met me for like an hour, you probably

30:22

would not assume that I was an introverted

30:24

person. I like to be out there

30:26

in the world. And then when my body hits a

30:28

point after a couple of hours of talking to new

30:30

people, like people I know really well, I don't

30:33

get exhausted by them. I'm not like, I

30:35

need any time. Oh, well, not my partner.

30:37

My partner is someone that I can spend

30:39

24 seven with and that's fine. And

30:42

also I can ask for my own time. But so

30:45

out in the world of needing people,

30:47

even if I'm really into them, I

30:50

could be super into someone and start making

30:52

out with them. But because it's so new,

30:54

I'm like excited meets like, okay.

30:56

I think I even owe me time to process.

30:58

Yeah. And it's not because

31:00

it's heavy. It's just my systems way of

31:03

taking things in. And

31:05

I used to battle with them. Like, why? Why is it

31:07

that I'm into this person? I want to be alone after

31:09

three hours. Do I not like them? Sometimes I don't like

31:11

them. Sometimes I don't actually really want to hang out

31:14

with them again or anymore. But even when I do, it's

31:16

just my system saying like, let's take

31:18

little moments to go and tend to

31:20

ourselves, me and my system or we're

31:22

a unit to see like what

31:25

we want to happen next. And that

31:27

can't always happen in union with a new person for

31:29

me. Yeah. I

31:31

would love to hear specific ways that

31:33

your work life has influenced

31:35

your personal life, which I understand is a

31:38

huge question. But

31:40

I'm five years in and have had

31:42

some interesting things loop back on themselves,

31:44

but also have been so deeply inspired

31:46

by so many things. So what

31:49

are some of the sexiest things

31:51

maybe in Amy's life that have been a

31:53

result of the work that you do? I

31:55

mean, group sex sex parties and I'm not

31:58

necessarily talking about orgies with being environments

32:00

for other people are sexual or having sex and

32:02

that was something that I've been curious about but

32:04

never dabbled with until the podcast at least and

32:06

I've been in the human sexual field since I

32:09

was 18. So for two decades

32:11

damn okay. And

32:13

the other one would be I would say

32:15

the pussy worshiping would be a big thing

32:18

that I learned about myself and my

32:20

body that works really well for me. So

32:22

the sex party deal I am

32:25

an exhibitionist not a

32:27

I want all the attention and want everyone to

32:29

stop and stare at me and I think of

32:32

exhibitionism and I'll think sexuality on a spectrum right.

32:34

So like you'll pretend it's like I want

32:36

to be in the middle and have everyone look

32:38

at me and back off to me. I'm not

32:40

that I'm like a five. I'm like if you're

32:42

jacking off to me that's really cool. I'm totally

32:44

down with you to look and it also turns

32:46

me on a little bit like turns up the heat.

32:49

It's not like my full kink or my

32:51

fetish or you know however people identify with

32:53

exhibitionism voyeurism I am pervert. I love hearing

32:55

people have sex. I actually like hearing people

32:57

have sex more than viewing which is

33:00

funny because April who's not here likes viewing

33:02

more than hearing like if she hears her

33:04

neighbors on the other side of the hotel

33:06

room she's like not into that

33:09

it feels invasive and is not turned on

33:11

but for me I'm like oh that's so interesting like what are

33:13

you doing oh my god. And some would

33:15

say that's not consensual but if you're having sex on the other

33:17

side of my hotel room wall and I

33:19

can hear you I'm pretty sure that you

33:21

made me convince you. Yeah it's a different

33:23

type of nonconventional. And if I masturbate to

33:25

that then that's mine and you don't have

33:28

to see that but anyways and I

33:30

really love being around sexual energy and

33:32

I love the diversity of it right

33:34

like remember my first sex party in like

33:36

I think it was 2016, 17 anyways

33:38

and seeing all these different bodies you know

33:41

having sex in places sometimes three sons or

33:43

orgies or two people and sex could be like

33:45

someone going down someone someone's just getting spanked that

33:47

could be sex to me and

33:49

I was like oh my god everyone's so

33:51

different you know like if I just watched porn

33:53

it seems like there's one way to fuck.

33:56

Yeah and I love being

33:58

in the raw. fresh

34:00

realness of people being sexual because

34:03

it gives me permission to

34:06

be as expressive in a consensual way

34:08

as I want to be and knowing that there's not

34:10

one way to be a sexual Amy. I don't give

34:12

a fuck what my O face looks like. I don't

34:15

really care what my sounds are. I

34:17

can just do and be me and

34:19

follow the pleasure thread and being

34:21

in those environments has been really helpful. So

34:24

yeah, sex parties have been something that I don't

34:26

think without this path, I would have maybe I

34:28

would have discovered it, but I know

34:30

people that listen to shameless sex that are like, you

34:32

know, they're not in the field, but they're discovering

34:35

sex parties. So I probably would have, but I

34:37

got it at a very quick and fast and

34:39

a lovely way. And I'm really grateful for it.

34:41

When we were talking about the non monogamy stuff

34:44

earlier, do you have any sort of like reclamation

34:46

rituals with your partner? And then I do want

34:48

to talk about push the worship. Maybe they intersect.

34:50

I don't know. When you say

34:52

reclamation rituals, they're talking about like the way

34:55

that we process or connect around non monogamy.

34:57

Yeah. Or just like when you come home

34:59

after being with somebody else, is it like

35:01

mine again? Like do you have any, any

35:04

of that type of stuff? But yeah, however

35:06

you do, we totally get off that.

35:08

We're like, if we have sex, my partner is

35:10

like, Oh, this pussy is mine. She

35:13

may have been out being all worshiped and pleasured

35:15

and have orgasm someone else, but like, she's mine.

35:17

And I'm like, Oh yeah, she's yours. Or if

35:19

I'm a bra, I'm like, well, she's

35:21

yours right now, but tomorrow she might not be. So what are

35:23

you going to do about it? Like

35:27

a good bra. And then I win.

35:29

So everyone wins. Yeah. So for us,

35:31

it's still evolving. Originally, we

35:33

went to the full on non

35:35

monogamy solo experience space. It was when

35:37

one or both of us were out of town from our

35:39

hometown that we both live in. And

35:41

now we're exploring being in the

35:43

same town, city and one

35:46

of us or both of us can go out and be intimate with

35:48

someone else. And so we talk about it before

35:50

about like, what's on the table, what's not on

35:52

the table. And for us in our non monogamy

35:54

space, our relationship is top priority. We're not like

35:56

relationship anarchy status. You know, it's one

35:58

of us is like, I'm really really not there right

36:01

now in a place to feel safe or

36:03

comfortable or relaxed about you going to be an

36:05

intimate with someone else. We're going to hold that as

36:07

priority. And that's our non-monogamy, right? That's not for

36:09

everyone. We define that for ourselves. So

36:11

we had set like I said the other day or like a

36:13

week ago, I think I went my second day with someone and

36:16

I was like, I'd like to make out with them and maybe get

36:18

down to some undies and

36:21

grind and just like check it out and see how that

36:24

feels. And my partner's like, Edgy, okay,

36:26

cool. And what time do you think you'll

36:28

be home? Because we live together. And I

36:30

was like, well, I'm thinking between eight and 9pm. He's

36:32

like, okay, cool. It would be cooler because then I

36:34

can like fuck you really hard with more

36:37

energy after, but nine works too. I'm

36:40

going to respect that. I'm going to get home by

36:42

nine for sure. I got home at 855. I

36:47

walk in, he was like, how many hours I want to hear

36:49

all the things. So for us, it's the person that is not

36:51

having the experience. We can ask each other anything

36:54

and we'll answer anything. It doesn't mean that like

36:56

I walk in and it's like, here's all the

36:58

things. It's whatever my partner wants to know or

37:00

I want to know about our unique experiences. And

37:03

then we share that and we'd like take a breath and

37:05

we usually find that we're feeling the

37:07

edginess like, Oh God, Oh God, my

37:09

partner was hooking up with someone else.

37:12

When we take a breath and just feel

37:14

into it, it chills out a little

37:16

bit. It's like not that big of

37:18

a deal because for us, at least

37:20

we're coming to each other and we're

37:22

here choosing this at

37:25

least in our arrangement for our

37:27

mutual aliveness in our relationship, but

37:29

also our solo aliveness and the

37:31

minute it doesn't fulfill those pieces,

37:34

we are going to reconsider what

37:36

we're doing. Yeah. So our

37:38

ritual would be more just like a processing

37:40

piece. And then if you call like STI

37:42

testing ritual, but we're also very careful about

37:45

when it comes to penetrates. I mean, most

37:47

sex educators I know are like not that

37:49

careful about oral sex. I know like the floodiest

37:51

and most like profound of sex educators who are

37:53

like, nah, I don't wear condoms for oral sex.

37:55

So I think in that case testing

37:57

is, is even more important. So we're getting to. We

38:00

test it every three months, even if we use condoms

38:02

with people, but, you know, mouths go places

38:04

and things happen. Yes, they do.

38:06

Yes, they do. I have just, in case anyone

38:08

hasn't heard it, I have herpes both kinds orally,

38:11

but like HSV2 is in my throat because back

38:13

in those days I didn't use condoms and I

38:15

really do like deep throat and so that's how

38:17

that got there. What are the

38:20

conversations that you have with partners? Do you usually initiate

38:22

them or is it like a super turn on if

38:24

they do? I'm like a

38:26

submissive brat who is like, I want you to

38:28

initiate most of the things we're actually having sex. The

38:30

conversations beforehand I

38:32

want to be very mutual and I'm generally

38:35

leading it because I'm not hooking up with

38:37

like only sex educators like myself who are

38:39

like, here, I'm very proficient in the conversation.

38:41

Like, let's have the safer sex elevator speech,

38:43

not mine, let's read me Hulkos, but I think

38:46

it's really valuable and that also applies though like,

38:48

let's talk with like the pleasure elevator speech or

38:50

Dan Savage says like one

38:52

of the primary things that he sees

38:54

that is really beneficial in the

38:56

gay community in terms of like the initial conversations

38:58

is just the simple question of what are

39:00

you into? Right? Like straight

39:02

people aren't really saying that as often as they

39:05

probably should to just figure out like you list

39:07

a couple things that you're into and that you're

39:09

not into and not everyone knows, but

39:11

I don't know and that's fine, but you know, especially

39:13

if you're 30s, 40s and up, you

39:15

probably know a couple things that you're into and

39:17

not into. So it'd be helpful to share that

39:19

as you ask that question, I'm reflecting back. I

39:22

actually am not asking and stating those things, but

39:24

every single person I've been intimate with

39:27

in the last four or five years

39:29

at some point before we're engaging,

39:31

they know that I identify as

39:33

a submissive kinky person who is not

39:36

submissive and kinky 24 7,

39:38

who also likes connected sex or tantric sex

39:41

or just sex and also

39:43

sex meaning not penetration and that will

39:45

come up before. I also tell people before we're being

39:47

sexual, if I already know that, you know, like I

39:49

keep saying Portugal, but like when I was in Portugal,

39:52

right? I had one night to be intimate with someone.

39:54

So I was like, I'm going to fuck. So

39:57

I didn't say this or that person, but you know, the

39:59

people. but I know I want to layer

40:01

it as I was talking about before. I'll tell them beforehand,

40:04

like I'm going to keep my pants on. I'm going to

40:06

keep my underwear on. And if they

40:08

try to coerce me out of it, they're

40:10

out. You try once like, oh, come on,

40:12

take it, come on. Oh, you're

40:14

done. You're done for me because

40:16

I don't do, I did coercion for so many

40:18

years. I am so beyond that. I'm too good

40:20

for that. Yeah, boundary pushing

40:23

is not sexy. It's so

40:25

rough. Not sexy at all. Yeah,

40:27

and it's a huge red flag. It's the biggest point

40:29

is red flag. I'm like, nope, like, come

40:32

back to work a little bit. Is

40:34

it even possible to give us like a

40:37

day in the life, week in the life, month in

40:39

the life of what you do? Cause you do so

40:41

many things. And so like, how do

40:43

you balance that stuff? Does it ever feel like

40:46

not very sexy? Like I'd love to hear the

40:48

sexiest parts of your job, least sexy parts of

40:50

your job. Do you identify as a sex worker?

40:53

Take it wherever you want to take it. So

40:55

I'll start with the last thing you said, do

40:57

identify as a sex worker. I don't, but if

40:59

someone were to put me in that category,

41:01

I would be so honored. I'd be like,

41:04

yes! But it's not a title

41:06

that I would take on. When I

41:08

finished the somatica, sex, and relationship coaching

41:10

training, I identified a little more

41:12

as a sex worker because I was actually

41:14

utilizing their hands on touch in sessions, but

41:16

their boundaries are closed days on, you're not

41:19

touching to the point of orgasm, no kissing

41:21

on the lips. It was very tantric though.

41:23

If you look through the window of the

41:25

sessions I was having with people, it looked

41:27

like we were having steamy, but

41:29

within those boundaries, right? So that to me

41:31

felt more sex worker-ish. I'm,

41:34

as I said earlier, a heady person,

41:36

so I'm more voice in

41:38

terms of the work that I do. I'm

41:40

much more utilizing my voice. You're the power

41:42

of Amy's word, and I am long-winded as

41:45

you can already tell. And so that to

41:47

me just feels like not quite sex worker-y to me

41:49

when I think of sex work. I think of my

41:52

body being a part of it, and not

41:54

just my mind. And so a lot of my work is geared

41:56

towards my mind and being part of it. And I

41:58

think of also, cause I work so many hats. in

42:00

the human sexuality field. So I think of like,

42:02

I have all these little mini hats on, right,

42:04

I have like five of them ish, maybe four

42:06

to five. So I have the podcast Amy, mini

42:08

hat, right? Like we've been doing Sheamus Sex podcast since

42:10

2017. April and

42:12

I from Sheamus Sex also wrote a book.

42:14

So that's a big hack. That's really prevalent

42:17

in our current day and age. Ah, she's got it

42:19

right now. That's the name of the book. It's great, go read

42:21

it, yeah. Yeah, it's fun. It's our choose your own adventure,

42:23

but that's trademark. So choose your own pleasure path

42:25

to figure out who you are as a sexual

42:27

being. It's fun, it's playful, it's insightful. And

42:31

I think everyone should have it. I would have liked it when I was 18,

42:33

28, I'm 38 now. I want

42:35

it when I'm 60. And then I also

42:37

have another smaller hat. I used to own

42:39

a sex shop with my mom in Santa Cruz, California.

42:41

We opened in 2008, it's called Pure Pleasure. We

42:43

sold it in 2019. Right

42:45

before the pandemic, we sold it to Good Vibrations,

42:48

which was our inspiration for opening in the

42:50

first place. So it's perfect full circle. And

42:52

we sold it before the pandemic, so we would have been struggling

42:55

as a mother, daughter, independently

42:57

owned business. So we still have the

43:00

online store though at purepleasureshop.com. I am

43:02

the lead educator for my favorite lube

43:04

brand. And they were my favorite before

43:06

I started working for them. Uber lube

43:08

in my opinion, one of the best lubes in

43:10

the market. It's also my favorite, yeah. And then I'm

43:12

a sex and relationship coach, right? So I work with

43:14

clients one on one, but I

43:17

do a lot less of that

43:19

these days. I'd say like my

43:21

primary fulfillment comes from the podcast.

43:23

So an average day in being Amy, first of

43:25

all, all my work is remote, probably most of

43:27

yours too, right? So I'm wearing pajama

43:29

bottoms right now, you can't tell. Same.

43:32

I haven't even showered yet. Same.

43:35

Love it. So yes, I primarily work

43:37

from home and I get up, my

43:40

best work hours are in the morning until about noon,

43:42

and then I work, and then I like to go

43:44

to a hot yoga class or maybe some pilates, I

43:46

don't know, depends on the day, go for a hike

43:48

with my little dogs. I'm a crazy dog mom. And

43:51

then I'll work a little more in the afternoon. I honestly

43:53

think that I work maybe 25 hours a week. But

43:56

if you talk to me, it sounds like

43:58

I work a lot more. because what I like

44:00

to do, and I don't know if this is your

44:02

jam, but I think everyone's different. Like April from the

44:04

podcast, she wants to work Monday through Friday for five

44:08

to six hours a day. I would like to

44:10

work every day of the week for

44:12

less time, like for three to four hours a

44:14

day, two to four hours. And that's how I

44:16

am, right? I'm on vacation right now in Oregon.

44:19

This is my vacation. But

44:21

I'm also like, you know, that person that feels like

44:23

purpose in doing I'm a

44:25

doer. And one of my harder lessons

44:28

is being, you know, just like, Oh,

44:30

just detach and be which I do, but

44:33

it's like, I'd rather do than be. Yeah,

44:35

I hit the extremes of those real hard.

44:37

I'm like, Okay, okay. Oh, I'll be now.

44:39

And then I'm like, Why would I ever

44:41

do anything? And then I'm like, Okay, now

44:43

I'm all the doing. So it's like, I

44:46

find that kind of balance. Yeah,

44:48

some people are the extremes. And

44:51

some people are like the in

44:53

betweens. And some are the struggles. And it's

44:55

okay to be anywhere in there

44:57

as long as it feels good for you,

44:59

then we have our own way of doing

45:01

or being. And I think there's really important

45:03

value in finding at least moments to being

45:05

at least for myself, like if I just

45:07

do do do all the time, and I'm

45:09

projective, purposeful, Amy, or then I do that for like

45:12

a day. And then all of a sudden have to

45:14

be alone with Amy. And I'm like, fuck. Yeah,

45:17

here I am. What

45:19

do I do? Oh, wait, it's not about doing. How do

45:21

I be? I need

45:24

to know how to how to be. And

45:26

that takes practice. Totally. I would

45:28

also love to hear what insights about

45:31

humanity you have gained through your work,

45:33

whether it's the relationship between

45:35

sex and commerce, social norms, we

45:38

talked about pleasure and shame already. But like, you know, or

45:40

even if you want to bring in specific toys, tools,

45:42

kinks, fetishes, like, I feel

45:44

like you have such a wealth

45:47

of knowledge. I'd love to hear what comes

45:49

to top of mind. Yeah,

45:51

I think people are

45:53

really hungry for more

45:55

information and more

45:59

inspiration and more more creativity within themselves

46:01

and their lives in the sexual realm

46:03

and field that doesn't mean you have

46:05

to go full on like poly, kinky,

46:07

queer, whatever, you know, is your jam.

46:10

And even if they're like, no, no, no, that's not normal. I

46:12

don't like that. To me, I'm like, Oh, yeah, I

46:14

know you kind of want a little more of something,

46:16

but it's your version of something. And

46:18

I think that like even the people that

46:21

are really closed off from

46:23

branching out what's really comfortable

46:25

for them, at some point are

46:27

going to crave something really different

46:29

from that comfort because humans innately,

46:32

in my opinion, and other people would agree

46:34

with this, including scientists and researchers and their

46:36

studies on this, like

46:38

some form of newness and like,

46:40

you know, habituation, fabulous, we get

46:43

used to something we're comfortable, we're

46:45

safe, and then we kind of

46:47

get bored. That's how our dopamine

46:49

system works. We need new stuff.

46:51

Exactly. So what I believe

46:53

and have seen is just that a lot of people think

46:55

that I'm this way, you know, this is who I am

46:57

as a sexual being, I

46:59

like it, I'm good. But then I see

47:01

these little like inklings to something

47:03

else or leaky energy, right? They'll like flip

47:06

a little a story about something I was

47:08

like, that is so not just like what

47:10

you just said. You're like, I'm super

47:12

monogamous, or, you know, I'm totally happy

47:14

this way. But and then you hear

47:16

some other story and you see them

47:18

smile or giggle or look more glowing

47:21

or alive. And I also wonder if

47:23

people deep down their subconscious knows, right,

47:26

that like they're desiring more, but it's

47:28

a really hard thing to say if, you

47:30

know, if you're in a partnership and your partner

47:33

might not be down for the moreness, if your

47:35

whole ego or reality world will

47:37

be shattered, at least you think it will

47:39

probably won't, but you think it will or

47:41

if it will, you'll get through it. Change

47:43

is scary. Change is where a lot of

47:45

really great things happen. Doesn't mean we have

47:48

to change drastically every day. But yeah, I

47:50

think the world just wants more of that

47:52

more acceptance in figuring out their own version

47:54

of that. Hence why we created the book

47:56

shameless sex. It's about you figuring

47:58

out you as a sexual being

48:01

and what you want and how to have more

48:03

connected sex, alive sex, sexy sex, whatever it is.

48:05

And I think people want more of that even

48:07

if they don't think they do. I believe it's

48:10

in there in almost everyone. You could be asexual

48:12

and asexual people are still sexual people. They just

48:14

don't feel sexual attraction. And I'm not even talking

48:16

about demisexual and all these other aspects of

48:18

asexuality, but I think sexuality runs at

48:20

the core of everyone. It's

48:22

the easiest thing to bruise and harm in someone

48:25

and to change them in a non-consensual

48:27

way. And it's also a really easy

48:30

or maybe easy, not the word, but

48:32

powerful path to create your

48:34

own change in a really powerful, beautiful way.

48:37

Totally agree. I really feel like it

48:39

is the spark of our creativity. I

48:42

started calling sex original creativity, because

48:44

I feel like at least in myself

48:46

when my sexual needs are met, I'm

48:49

so able to be a productive,

48:52

creative number of society in all

48:54

those other ways. On the

48:56

note of the book, what was the

48:58

process for writing it? How did you

49:00

decide how to organize it? Because I feel like

49:02

the more that I learned about sex, the more I'm

49:05

like this organized because I'm like, there's just so much.

49:07

And then the two of you sat down together and

49:09

were like, okay, we've been doing this podcast

49:11

and now here's a book. What was that

49:13

like for you? Oh, my goodness. Okay,

49:15

first of all, I'll start it with I don't

49:18

recommend for anyone to write a book unless you're

49:20

really committed to the journey. I have a partner

49:22

April is a partner. It's as if we both

49:24

were in partnerships. And also April and I are

49:27

essentially in a non-sexual life partnership with each other.

49:29

We've been best friends since God, it's like 16

49:31

years. It's almost like we were identical since we

49:33

have weird language, like no one gets us to

49:36

when we're like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So

49:38

if you're dating us, you're dating the other person, but you

49:40

don't get to have sex with them. We're not in that realm of

49:43

sharing our friends with each other. But

49:45

we're writing a book, right? So now we're dating the book.

49:47

And we're both dating the book. And

49:49

we're dating the book for like two plus

49:51

years. You know, so a year ago, we were

49:54

still writing the book, those, you know, after a whole year of

49:56

writing the book, so year two of writing the book. If

49:58

I looked at like my average day of how I

50:01

spent my time, the book took up more of

50:03

it than anything in my life. More than the

50:05

podcast, more than my relationship, more than Amy's self

50:07

care time or like loving my dog. Although my

50:09

dog has to be in my lap for most

50:11

of the books. That was cool. So it's a

50:13

huge commitment. We had deadlines because we had a

50:15

publisher, but they were not crazy. Now,

50:18

like in a month you have to give us this, you know, it was like,

50:20

it was like, you know, six months we need this and this. So

50:22

it was a huge,

50:25

beautiful accomplishment. But I'll tell people, first

50:27

of all, writing a book with another

50:29

person does not make it easier because

50:33

you're running all of your ideas off of

50:35

and with another person. Right. So the way

50:37

we wrote the book was I wrote all

50:39

the raw material. So I essentially wrote the

50:41

whole book and then April

50:43

rewrote the whole book. I

50:46

finished chapter one. She'd go

50:48

back to chapter one and rewrite it,

50:50

revamp it, add in humor, add in

50:53

her own stories and add in all

50:55

kinds of things that I would miss. So we

50:57

both essentially individually wrote a book, but it's collectively

50:59

at the same time. So the choose your own

51:01

adventure thing also knows choose your own pleasure path in our

51:03

world. It goes with our shame of sex podcast

51:05

premise is that no one can tell you who

51:07

to be as a sexual being. So if we

51:09

wrote a self-help book about sex, we can't say

51:11

here's what you should do. Instead, it's here's a

51:13

lot of ideas and what you can do. And

51:16

so the better question of when you're like, here's

51:18

my issue. You know, I want

51:20

to have more orgasm sex. I can't have

51:22

orgasms and sex. I can't get hard when

51:24

I have sex. I want to try

51:26

kinky things. I want to cross-dress. I don't know,

51:28

whatever your jam is. What do I do? One

51:30

thing we discovered one, people are commonly asking the

51:32

same question, which is either, am I

51:35

normal? Am I broken? So the book opens with

51:37

those two chapters. Am I normal? And am I

51:39

broken? And I understand that if

51:41

you open the book, like, why is it so

51:43

heavy in the beginning? It's

51:45

because we often need to

51:47

go through some of the heavies to get to the

51:50

like, how do I have super hot sex stuff? And

51:52

so that comes later, like how do I have hotter,

51:54

steamier, more connected sex? You know, how do I ask

51:56

for what I want? How do I spice

51:58

things up or keep it spicy? That happens, but

52:00

that's after for a lot of people, they've already gone into

52:02

like the heavies and the challenging things. You don't have to

52:05

do that. You might already be in the place to just

52:07

like, I want to do fun things and I feel good.

52:09

Then do that. And we have that for you

52:11

too. We looked at all of our sex questions from years,

52:13

you know, at that point, it was like, was

52:16

it five plus years of having a podcast? And

52:19

we saw these themes and there were eight themes that

52:21

we turned the book into, into eight chapters. And

52:23

so am I normal? Am I broken? How do I talk about

52:25

sex? How do I know what I even want, etc.

52:29

And then we created this, we love the

52:31

choose your own adventure books from the past where

52:33

it's like, do you want to go down the

52:35

cliff with the abominable snowman? Do you want to

52:37

hug the abominable snowman? Do you want

52:39

to tell the abominable snowman that, hey, it's cool. Do

52:42

you want to have cheese? I don't know. I'm

52:44

really bad at this kind of thing. But in so ours was more like,

52:46

okay, here's your issue. You're asked

52:48

this question. Here are the possible outcomes

52:50

you can achieve. Right? Like,

52:53

it's hard for me to have an orgasm during

52:55

penetrative sex. Number one, do you

52:57

want to learn how to orgasm through penetrative sex for

53:00

yourself? Right? Like, this is going to

53:02

make me feel more alive, more full. This

53:05

is something that feels really good. Then go to this page.

53:08

Is it because you want to please your partner? And that's

53:10

really important to you. Go to this page. Are

53:13

you wanting to actually learn how to talk to

53:15

your partner about how having orgasm during sex

53:17

isn't your top priority? You go

53:19

to this page, right? Like isn't the most important thing that

53:21

you just like having sex and pleasure is pleasure. So

53:24

we really wanted it to speak to people in

53:26

the way where they can be the creators of

53:28

their own sexual experiences

53:31

and empower them as opposed to telling them, here's

53:33

how you should be. Not

53:35

easy to do because our book is written

53:38

in past, present and future. So

53:40

it's not just like, yeah, right? So you're like,

53:42

oh, so you might, you might read a chapter

53:44

in chapter seven that takes you back to chapter

53:46

two, if that's the outcome you want. And

53:49

that is really fucking hard to write. I know.

53:52

It's, I mean, it's hard to organize. It's

53:54

a great feat. Yeah. But it's a fun

53:56

kind of book. It's like the most elaborate crossword

53:58

jigsaw puzzle. you're writing,

54:00

because every time you're writing something,

54:02

like a chapter, you're like, okay, but does

54:05

this go here, or in seven, or one,

54:07

or eight? I don't know. And so like

54:09

our brains were getting twisted left and right.

54:11

And so I'll end my long rant with,

54:13

I would suggest in April, and I should have

54:15

done this, but we didn't, for everyone who writes

54:17

a book with another person to get

54:19

a therapist. So

54:22

you can talk out all the shit that's not

54:24

even related to the book more. Like you didn't

54:26

hear me, you didn't see me, you

54:28

dismissed what I said. We had a lot of those moments,

54:30

we're just really good at talking about them. We're skilled

54:32

at communicating, we love each other so much, that it's

54:34

really important for us that when we don't meet each

54:36

other or feel met, we might like

54:39

tear each other's heads off verbally for a second, and

54:41

then we come around, and we're like, all right, let's

54:43

talk about this, and we have those skills. But a

54:45

middle human would have been good at that. What

54:48

would you say you are most excited

54:51

to explore or grow in your

54:53

work going forward? Well, yeah,

54:55

we're still growing the book, because

54:57

it's just launched, what, not even

54:59

two months ago, so we're going to continue

55:01

to do that. A newer thing that

55:04

we have been doing at Sheamus Sex, and Sheamus Sex, I

55:06

think, to me, is the most exciting. I love working

55:08

with Uber, I love working with clients, and

55:10

Sheamus Sex, to me, feels like endless

55:13

expansion possibilities. Also, it's

55:15

podcasts, right? We can get out to thousands upon

55:18

thousands of people, just by talking

55:20

on a microphone and putting on iTunes and Spotify,

55:22

which is so fucking cool. Like someone in the

55:24

middle of nowhere who doesn't have sex education can

55:27

listen to your podcast, sex stories,

55:29

listen to our podcast, and be inspired,

55:31

and be like, holy fuck, I want to

55:33

try that, or like, I want to exchange,

55:35

I want to grow, and here's some ways

55:37

I can do that. We hope to not

55:39

ever stop doing what we're doing. What

55:41

we recently started doing, we had our

55:43

first Sheamus Sex retreat in early November

55:45

in Costa Rica, so we did a

55:47

women's only vulva-owning human retreat, and

55:50

it was fucking beautiful. Not

55:52

just Costa Rica, because that's beautiful, but

55:54

just to see a group of

55:57

like-minded people, because if you're a Sheamus Sex listener, obviously

55:59

you're a woman. a little more open-minded than

56:01

not being a shameless-sex listener. And

56:03

you're there for a reason to expand yourself

56:05

in your sexual or most embodied

56:08

central self way. And so

56:10

it was a mix of

56:12

play and nature and relaxation

56:14

and embodiment and sexy. You

56:16

go from naked dance parties with

56:18

tequila shots to a massage and

56:21

relaxation to people like... We did

56:23

an erotic

56:25

photography photo shoot that was

56:27

so powerful. Everyone had

56:30

their own solo experiences. And we

56:32

did on day three, next time I'll do it

56:34

in day two because of the rest of the

56:36

retreat. All the women were just walking around complimenting

56:38

each other left and right. Like, oh my God,

56:40

you're so beautiful. Pop your booty out a little

56:42

more. Let me take a picture. You know, things

56:45

like that. And not like, you know, pop it

56:47

out for some man's gaze. It's just like you're

56:49

fucking hot. Let's celebrate that. And so we're

56:51

going to do those retreats now at least twice a

56:53

year. We have another one coming up the end of

56:55

April and to loom. If you want to learn more,

56:57

go to shamelesssex.com. That one will be for women or

56:59

of all the owning folks again. And then we want

57:01

to open up to couples. We'd like to do all genders.

57:04

My concern with all genders is where it's

57:06

not just couples is that everyone,

57:08

not everyone, some people think it's an orgy and

57:10

I'm fine with an orgy, but I'm not here

57:12

to facilitate an orgy at my retreat. Yeah.

57:15

Yeah. I feel like the consent regulation

57:17

is going to be heavier in

57:20

that. And that's not a problem.

57:22

It's just not a thing I'm

57:24

really wanting to take on in a

57:26

tropical place. For sure. For sure. You're

57:28

like, I'm trying to retreat here, not

57:30

police. Yeah, I'm

57:32

on retreat too. Yeah. That's

57:34

awesome. And I feel the retreat vibes.

57:36

And yeah, I mean, just as a

57:38

photographer myself, like the erotic photography

57:41

is my fucking favorite form of

57:43

helping people open up like that

57:45

and capturing those juicy parts. It's

57:47

so powerful. Just and I think

57:50

people hear erotic photography, they're like,

57:52

Oh, you know, sex or sexual, but like,

57:54

you know, erotic, and I'm sure you've seen

57:56

this too, what you and your work, like,

57:58

it's everyone's definition of erotic. of erotic. It's like,

58:00

you know, there's erotic to you, like having a shawl

58:02

over your shoulders where we take a photo where it's just

58:05

one shoulder popping out from the back and we don't even

58:07

see your face or anything else. And

58:09

that's erotic. And it's really mind opening

58:11

for people to see it. But the question you

58:13

asked earlier, like, you know, what's your sexy? It

58:16

helps people to see like, what's your unique

58:18

sexy? It's so important, I think, for

58:20

people to tap into if they want to.

58:23

Yeah. And I know that like, when

58:25

I see myself through another photographer's eyes, I'm

58:27

able to offer that same experience to

58:29

another person, right? So they're like, Oh my God, I'm

58:31

beautiful. I'm like, Yeah, that's exactly what you look like.

58:33

I captured it. You're welcome. Yeah, it's

58:35

real. Yeah, there you are. And like

58:38

you said, that energy shift is so palpable.

58:40

What about in your personal life?

58:43

What are you most excited to

58:45

explore sexually for yourself going forward?

58:48

Let's see. If you look at my sexual bucket

58:50

list, I'm looking for two dicks at the same

58:52

time. At

58:55

some point, my little ever

58:57

growing, expanding sexual bucket list of things. And

58:59

I'm not certain some of them are like ideas that

59:01

I don't really know if I want to like

59:03

bring into fruition. My spank bank these days, less

59:05

like under three or four months has involved the

59:08

idea of two cocks in my body. And

59:10

like, I'm really into like, again, as I

59:12

said earlier, like the dominance and I like

59:14

this with my partner, where he's kind

59:16

of directing it. He's also like telling the other man

59:18

like what he can do with my body. And then I'm

59:21

still consenting to it, by the way, I'm like a part of it.

59:23

But that's on my list. I don't know if I'll like it. I

59:25

haven't done it yet. I might be too much. I'll be like, that's

59:27

too many dicks. One too many. So

59:31

yeah, that's one of them continuing to learn

59:34

more about myself in the non monogamy field,

59:36

because I think that it makes me feel

59:38

like my brain and heart are expanding and

59:40

growing. And I like that feeling. And it's

59:42

not a way where it's like panics on

59:44

like, ah, too much. I can't handle this.

59:47

It's more like, it's a lot or it's

59:49

edgy. But like, let me see

59:51

what happens here. And I'm finding that the

59:53

moment and maybe you can identify with this.

59:55

Like, when I feel like I'm

59:58

hitting an edge, but I can work with

1:00:00

it. It's like this expansiveness

1:00:02

that feels I keep going back to

1:00:04

the word alive, but like, more

1:00:07

alive or like my heart just grew

1:00:09

10 times bigger or my brain did or

1:00:11

my pussy did in a really

1:00:13

powerful way. Yeah, you get that. Okay, good. I'm not

1:00:15

so much as me. I totally

1:00:17

get that. Well, and to me, I feel

1:00:19

like it's like those kinds of connections creates this

1:00:22

huge ripple effect that for me spreads through

1:00:24

my creativity through the whole world through all of us. You

1:00:26

know, that's what you help people with. That's what we're helping

1:00:28

people kind of like uncover for hopefully

1:00:30

if they want it, you know? Yeah, that's a

1:00:32

jam. And yeah, like with that, like the creativity

1:00:35

piece out when I have those

1:00:37

expansive experiences or even not not even like

1:00:39

I'll say like having amazing sex with my partner,

1:00:41

where is it worshiping my pussy or like or not,

1:00:43

but amazing sex. Yeah, you should see me

1:00:45

the next day. I'm in a great mood.

1:00:47

I am so much more motivated to like

1:00:50

tackle my work world. I see my family

1:00:52

like, hey, what's up? It's like,

1:00:54

what's up? You know, like it's fuel and

1:00:56

I know how to utilize it. And yeah,

1:00:58

I'm so grateful that I've discovered that this

1:01:00

lifetime. I meant to ask you this

1:01:02

earlier, tell us about your drive by daddying

1:01:04

method. What is it? What is it?

1:01:08

The drive by daddying. So

1:01:10

the drive by daddying. So I like

1:01:13

the daddy little girl dynamic, but it's

1:01:15

not familial. You're not playing my actual

1:01:17

father in this role play scenario. You're

1:01:19

just daddy energy like that,

1:01:22

you know, dominant, confident like I got

1:01:24

this, anything you bring here is welcome.

1:01:26

Yeah, nurturing, but like sexy and like, and there is

1:01:28

like this, you've been a bad girl, I'm gonna spank

1:01:30

you, but you're still not my dad. You're like a

1:01:32

daddy. Can I think of like leather daddies with a

1:01:34

gay community? Yeah, right. Like it's not like you're, are

1:01:36

you my daddy? Couldn't I have a

1:01:38

teddy bear? No. And that's, and that's for some people, I'm

1:01:40

just not doing it. You could call it like little play,

1:01:42

but it really isn't or it is some form

1:01:45

of age play without it being familial. So anyways,

1:01:47

the drive by daddying. So I have

1:01:49

found that in initial engagements with

1:01:51

some potential dates,

1:01:54

I have been able to like over text

1:01:56

messages like, you know, like, oh, you know,

1:01:58

just kind of flirting. they'll say

1:02:00

something like, do you want to come over

1:02:03

here to my house? My drive-by-daddy means I'm

1:02:05

testing them to see if their daddy without

1:02:07

their consent. Whereas they're like, do you want

1:02:09

to come to my house? I'm like, whatever

1:02:11

you want, daddy, and send that back in

1:02:14

a text message, and their response matters. It

1:02:16

says no, are you a daddy or are you not? If

1:02:18

they're a daddy, they're going to be like, oh,

1:02:21

okay, little girl. Yeah, well, you better get over here sooner

1:02:23

or later. Otherwise, you're going to be in trouble or something

1:02:25

like that. If they're not a dad,

1:02:27

they're like, ha, ha, ha, daddy, ha, lol.

1:02:30

You know, like smiley face, laugh out

1:02:32

loud. That's fine if that's the thing.

1:02:34

It just shows me like, okay, that's not your jam, and so

1:02:36

this might not be a good fit. Again, I don't want to

1:02:38

live that in all my sex, but I don't want to be

1:02:41

a mommy. I am not a mommy. I will be a mommy

1:02:43

in everyday life, but not in sex. No, no, no, no mommies

1:02:45

over here. It's not my thing. Yes,

1:02:47

my drive-by-daddy is like a way of just dropping the

1:02:49

daddy word or hint to see, are

1:02:52

you a daddy and seeing how you respond?

1:02:54

I have found that most of the people that

1:02:56

I'm doing that with, maybe they were already giving daddy

1:02:58

signs. Actually, when I think back to

1:03:00

it, a lot of them were at least five plus years

1:03:03

older than me. Some of them had kids.

1:03:05

They responded perfectly, and I was like, ha,

1:03:07

ha, I got them. Like I have at least

1:03:09

five different, my recollections of drive-by-daddying

1:03:11

where they were responding like, oh, you a

1:03:13

daddy, perfect. Okay,

1:03:15

that's amazing. Do you want to hear the fantasy

1:03:17

though that I thought it, I mean,

1:03:19

when I hear drive-by-dadding, I'm imagining you

1:03:22

and April, maybe I'm your driver in

1:03:24

a convertible, going around like catcalling dudes

1:03:26

on the corner, and if they pass

1:03:28

the daddy test, then they get in.

1:03:30

And then maybe, I don't know, are we taking them to a sex

1:03:33

party? I'm not sure. Oh

1:03:36

my God, April would love this because one of

1:03:38

her, this is like a couple

1:03:40

years ago, she's moved beyond this for some reason, but

1:03:42

she said love taxi cab porn, and

1:03:44

it was like the anonymity or like the randomness.

1:03:46

And she likes to hear some daddies for sure.

1:03:48

And so when you said that, she probably turned on by

1:03:50

that. So for me, it's less about sex and more

1:03:53

about like the energy. For her, she'd be like,

1:03:55

oh, fuck yeah, let's go drive around like, daddy,

1:03:57

are you my daddy? And do you have this?

1:03:59

She loves it. She'll listen to this episode.

1:04:01

April, this one's for you. We're going to do it. Are

1:04:04

you my daddy? When were you recently tested?

1:04:07

Yeah, but like give your safer sex

1:04:09

elevator speech. Let's go. Yeah. Okay,

1:04:14

wrapping up here, what do you think we need

1:04:16

to co-create a world where taking care of each other is the norm?

1:04:19

Like how do we make the world a sexier, more

1:04:21

loving place? What's the answer? Ooh,

1:04:24

yeah, that's a big one. I love questions

1:04:26

like that where I'm like, fuck, okay. I

1:04:30

gotta get her right, but also there's no

1:04:32

answer. It's endless answers. Yeah, there's no

1:04:34

right answer. So, okay, this is gonna

1:04:36

sound really fucking cheesy. So I'll talk

1:04:38

about like relationships in general, but

1:04:40

the way I'm going to talk about it is

1:04:42

going to sound like so boring. So this is

1:04:44

a book called The 80-80 Marriage. I know I

1:04:46

said marriage. You're like, what the fuck is she

1:04:48

talking about? But the 80-80 Marriage book, we had

1:04:50

one of the authors on our show, and he

1:04:52

was talking about how like the old school way

1:04:54

that was very chauvinistic was like a 20-80 marriage

1:04:57

where like women were the 20%,

1:04:59

like their needs, desires, values, they were receiving

1:05:01

20% of that. And then, you

1:05:03

know, the men, and then speaking of heterosexual relationships, the

1:05:05

men were getting 80% of that. Then we went

1:05:08

into this 50-50 phase of like, kid in tat,

1:05:10

right? Like, you get this and I get that,

1:05:12

and we have to meet each other perfectly,

1:05:14

and now we're all like testing each other left and

1:05:16

right. Like, you didn't do this, and I did this,

1:05:19

and you didn't do it. So that's just like a

1:05:21

mess. What he was saying, and he

1:05:23

wrote this with his partner, was that what if

1:05:25

we just went above and beyond, we always brought

1:05:27

an extra fucking 30%, even if we didn't think

1:05:29

we're going to receive it back. And I don't

1:05:31

think this has to just apply to marriages or

1:05:33

relationships. It can apply to anyone

1:05:35

and everyone in the world that you hate,

1:05:38

the privilege. Oh, here's another thing. It's a

1:05:40

privilege to engage with anyone you get to

1:05:42

engage with, to talk to someone, to touch

1:05:44

them, to sit next to

1:05:47

them. It's a privilege to be

1:05:49

invited into someone's emotional or

1:05:51

energetic space. So look at, from that

1:05:54

perspective, wow, lucky me getting to be

1:05:56

here in some way or

1:05:58

shape or form with you. which

1:06:00

might be really helpful for you to

1:06:02

show up with more curiosity, compassion, and

1:06:05

a way of where you're giving more. Then

1:06:07

if you're going 80-80, it's like,

1:06:09

okay, I'm here, I'm talking to my friend.

1:06:12

How can I show up an extra

1:06:14

30 percent, even bigger? Within my capacity

1:06:16

without losing myself, I'm not going to do it in

1:06:18

a way where I don't have the fuel to do that.

1:06:20

It's when you have the fuel and the bandwidth

1:06:23

to really listen, to

1:06:25

really be curious and like, I

1:06:28

know you, but who are you today? That's

1:06:31

especially helpful in long-term relationships to

1:06:33

go about it with, I

1:06:35

know you, I've been with you for five plus years, but

1:06:38

today you're a different person, so let me get

1:06:41

curious about that. That's a long-winded

1:06:43

and multifaceted answer, but I think

1:06:45

that we can just potentially

1:06:48

expand ourselves

1:06:50

beyond the way that we

1:06:52

want to show up with this perfect

1:06:55

way of meeting, you meet me and I meet you, and

1:06:57

instead it's like, okay, meet me and I meet you, but

1:06:59

how can I meet you even more? Hopefully,

1:07:01

you'll be able to meet me even

1:07:03

more regardless of the relationship that you're in.

1:07:06

I think you did it. I think you answered the question.

1:07:08

Generosity and gratitude, that's really, really

1:07:10

good. Thank you.

1:07:15

Okay. If you could go back in time

1:07:17

and give younger you a piece of sex

1:07:19

advice, what age or ages would you pick

1:07:21

and what would you say? I

1:07:23

would go to 13-year-old Amy, and

1:07:26

I say that because I think, it

1:07:28

might be 12 actually, I think it's 12-year-old

1:07:31

Amy. I think the first time it's in the book,

1:07:33

I believe. The first experience I had was me

1:07:35

touching someone else's genitals. It was a silent coercion.

1:07:37

There wasn't even a friend. He was like the

1:07:39

rich kid that would pick on me, and I

1:07:41

was friends with his twin sister, and she was

1:07:43

dating his friends, we're all like in one room,

1:07:45

and he was like, massage my back in the

1:07:47

dark, and then flip the book, massage my

1:07:49

stomach, and I'm like scared of this guy because he picked

1:07:51

on me for being a lower class person because my family

1:07:53

was lower class family, and they were like not lower class.

1:07:56

So I'm like, you're doing these things, but also

1:07:58

I wanted attention and didn't understand. And you know,

1:08:00

like anyways, so and then he just took

1:08:02

my hand and put it on his I want to

1:08:04

say cock But I use that for adult penises I'm

1:08:06

gonna go with penis and just

1:08:09

use it as a jackoff device And that was it

1:08:11

like came on his own stomach and then like didn't

1:08:13

talk to me for like a week after and and

1:08:15

he doesn't Have to talk to me but like, you know,

1:08:17

like a week after like so ho was that for you? He's we're

1:08:19

fucking 13, but I would have liked to

1:08:21

know and I said this earlier my

1:08:24

pleasure in any Sexual

1:08:26

engagement is just as important

1:08:28

if not more

1:08:30

important than the people I'm engaging with

1:08:32

because I'm Primarily

1:08:34

hooking up with engaging with penis owners

1:08:37

and if it comes to actual pieces

1:08:39

inside of me that is Penetrative

1:08:41

sex meaning I'm the receiving orifice that

1:08:43

takes more time energy Safety

1:08:45

relaxation to open up and connect

1:08:47

and so like the book she

1:08:49

comes first Holy shit, I

1:08:52

think every 13 year old should read If

1:08:55

you're planning on having penis and vagina

1:08:58

sex if that's not on your agenda

1:09:00

then Probably not but I think

1:09:02

that we're we're really missing a lot of

1:09:04

language Specifically for vulva owning

1:09:06

folks about owning their own pleasure and

1:09:08

asking for it And instead they have a lot

1:09:10

of experiences or I did I had a lot

1:09:13

of experiences Giving not receiving

1:09:15

not knowing how to say I don't want to

1:09:17

give because I was afraid of losing the love

1:09:19

or affection that felt good in that moment and

1:09:22

I would have loved to just have that more

1:09:24

solidified in my being because it would have had

1:09:27

an easier and more pleasurable time throughout my Life,

1:09:29

I'm having a great time now But like I

1:09:31

have experiences that contribute to where I am today and

1:09:33

they would have been a lot better if I would

1:09:35

have had that information Okay,

1:09:39

two fantasy questions first Oh,

1:09:42

if we suddenly lived in a

1:09:44

world where everyone had to be

1:09:47

a sex worker for two years How

1:09:50

would you serve? If

1:09:52

I was a sex worker for two years Mm-hmm. What

1:09:54

kind would you be? I'm not into like humiliation because

1:09:56

that's to me that's shaming It's just not my thing,

1:09:59

but I would be a sex worker

1:10:01

of like it is your fucking honor

1:10:03

to touch this pussy and I'm gonna

1:10:05

make you work for it from

1:10:07

my toes up and you're gonna

1:10:09

pay for each and every toe and part

1:10:11

of my foot before you get to the calves. I'll

1:10:14

see you next time because you know I like to

1:10:16

layer it on then you might get to touch my

1:10:18

calves. Maybe my shin, oh next time you might get

1:10:20

some of this knee and then you can come up

1:10:22

those thighs. Maybe I'll give you like

1:10:24

some outer labia but not quite I'm gonna keep my panties

1:10:27

on and work your way up and in so

1:10:29

maybe like the tenth time we see each other

1:10:31

then you'll finally get to pleasure this pussy but

1:10:33

you're going to pleasure it my way and

1:10:35

in a way that feels really good for you. Yeah

1:10:37

that sounds awesome. I love that and only if they

1:10:40

earn it right you know not all dominatrixes ever even

1:10:42

get touched at all so they have to do a

1:10:44

good enough. Yeah and I'm not gonna say any mean

1:10:46

things and I'll be like you're doing a bad job

1:10:48

more like oh yeah more of that yeah that oh

1:10:50

you're doing oh maybe a little less of that. I'm

1:10:53

also teaching you about like I

1:10:55

mean what my body likes about how to go really

1:10:57

slow and like work your way up and really savor

1:11:00

in all of the delicious moment just a huge gift.

1:11:03

Okay and now you have an

1:11:05

unlimited budget to build the perfect

1:11:07

playroom or dungeon or castle etc

1:11:09

whatever structure you desire for you

1:11:11

and or your brand so what is it like?

1:11:14

Oh my god this is awesome

1:11:16

okay first of all I don't

1:11:18

like huge spaces because I

1:11:21

feel my most safe in smaller spaces but

1:11:23

I am also claustrophobic so I'm not thinking like

1:11:25

a coffin small everyone I'm thinking like I don't

1:11:27

want a castle I want like something

1:11:29

that is like you know three rooms master bedroom thing

1:11:31

in the back it has a pool and a hot

1:11:34

tub I want a sauna I want a cold pleasure

1:11:36

I want all the things I want all the aquatic

1:11:38

sports I'm not talking about water sports meaning

1:11:40

well if you're into that that's cool you

1:11:42

do you but I want it like a

1:11:44

spa meets sexy and so there's one room

1:11:47

that's dedicated to like kink dungeon vibes it

1:11:49

has like purple and red lights it has

1:11:51

one of those beds of big bed frames

1:11:53

and you can tie things to it and

1:11:55

one of those swings that's good for like

1:11:57

squirting and accessing G spots and process it's

1:11:59

really easy and quickly, not really into the whole

1:12:01

like being put up on the cross thing, but

1:12:03

like I'd have that in there for the people

1:12:06

that came over because I like watching that. That's

1:12:08

fun. Yeah. So I have my dungeon. Yeah. And

1:12:10

I have all the accoutrements, all the things in

1:12:12

there, choose your own adventure. And so I've also

1:12:14

had this dream of having a room that is

1:12:16

just mattresses. So all the floor is just mattresses.

1:12:18

There's not even one gap where it's floor. So

1:12:21

you walk in, you're on mattress and

1:12:23

it's just like rolly polly, sexy space.

1:12:25

I like going to sex parties where

1:12:27

there's individual mattresses, but I kind of

1:12:29

want to go in and just rolly polly all my way

1:12:32

around, a bunch of mattresses and have like, you know,

1:12:34

some sort of like group sex experience there. So that's

1:12:36

the mattress room. And then there's the room that's like

1:12:38

this kind of like more mellow space. Oh, I need

1:12:40

a fourth room for like the quiet space. Or if

1:12:42

you don't want to have sex. Yeah, you

1:12:45

got to have the quiet space. And that could be the

1:12:47

kitchen though, where the food is, just like chill and not

1:12:49

be surrounded by sex. Yeah. Like sometimes you need to

1:12:51

get away from the sex and just like take a breath. So I

1:12:54

guess it's kind of like a chalet. Oh, and I have no

1:12:56

neighbors like the neighbors are like a mile

1:12:58

away. We're going to be

1:13:01

really loud. And that needs to be okay.

1:13:03

Where my neighbors are really cool. I

1:13:06

fucking love it. Lovers, go listen

1:13:08

to shameless sex. If you haven't already, go get

1:13:10

the book shameless sex. If you want to go

1:13:13

read it, go choose your own pleasure adventure. Amy,

1:13:15

thank you so much for being a guest on

1:13:17

sex stories. Thank you for having

1:13:19

me. It's so fun. And you're on our show.

1:13:21

I think it's coming out sometime in

1:13:23

January of 2024. So come

1:13:26

check out shameless sex to hear your favorite

1:13:28

from sex stories. Lovers, that is our show.

1:13:30

I love you for listening. If

1:13:32

you want to support my work as

1:13:34

an independent artist, which includes this podcast,

1:13:37

if you want to go deeper with

1:13:39

me either online or in person, visit

1:13:41

yolee.com/links. For a no strings

1:13:44

attached way to concretely show me your

1:13:46

appreciation. You can support this podcast and

1:13:48

my grad school tuition via Venmo, cash

1:13:50

app or PayPal at YLE or find

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direct links in the photo of my

1:13:54

website, wylie.com. If you want to learn

1:13:56

more about my personal bits, you can

1:13:58

hear my sex stories Very.. Interwoven

1:14:00

with my working I'm

1:14:02

discovering on patriot.com/wildly. You.

1:14:05

Can unlock my naughty photos and

1:14:07

videos one by one and only

1:14:09

Sam's.com/while three or even subscribed for

1:14:11

curated selection of my favorite and

1:14:13

most up to date masturbation flourish

1:14:15

and on only Sam's.com/wildly. If

1:14:18

you want my focus on your personal parts

1:14:20

one on one virtual options include phone a

1:14:22

video sessions where you can ask me anything,

1:14:25

get relationship advice, or new on whatever it

1:14:27

is you're thinking about, or do the inverse

1:14:29

and version and meet me for coffee or

1:14:31

lunch or dinner if you are in Los

1:14:33

Angeles. or if you just need hot stills

1:14:36

and or video for you, your booher, your

1:14:38

fans and me a message feel my website

1:14:40

wildly.com I invite all of you to join

1:14:42

me in making Twenty Twenty Four the year

1:14:45

of practicing, offering and accepting the most exquisite.

1:14:47

Irresistible invitations and I would love it if

1:14:49

he would send me a voice know of

1:14:52

the A Sex Toy podcast.com answering any. Or

1:14:54

all of the following. What? Irresistible

1:14:56

invitations. Have you received and

1:14:58

loved. What? Irresistible invitations have

1:15:01

you offered. Or are you planning to offer?

1:15:03

Or. Are you resisting and he invitation that

1:15:06

you don't actually want to resist? Do any

1:15:08

stuck Mrs. Only know Personally, I think a

1:15:10

voice memo would make a great New Year

1:15:12

the Valentine's Day present if you are when

1:15:14

I love receiving good thoughtful sexy stories again,

1:15:16

Sex Toys podcast.com is where you can leave

1:15:18

me a voice mental, apply to be a

1:15:21

guest and see if. All. Of my

1:15:23

sexy question list which I fear has led

1:15:25

to some very hot. Things between partners who

1:15:27

got curious with each other. Also.

1:15:30

An announcement. Sex. Stories is

1:15:32

becoming X Stories in parts. It

1:15:34

is to represent my surrender to

1:15:36

censorship. And it is also an

1:15:38

opportunity to broaden our conversations and creative

1:15:40

discussions to include the many of you

1:15:42

who I hear from who clearly want

1:15:44

to connect but don't wanna talk about

1:15:46

sex publicly, even anonymously And I am

1:15:48

hoping that this makes us. Less. Censored

1:15:50

actually searchable on Spotify. and

1:15:53

hopefully more appealing to advertisers, because there's a lot

1:15:55

of stuff that I want to make for you

1:15:57

and offer for you, but I just need more

1:15:59

bandwidth. So while I will always be most curious

1:16:02

about people's sex stories, I am excited to invite

1:16:04

people to talk about all the relational topics that

1:16:06

I have written question lists for and tested out

1:16:08

in the park last summer. So if you want

1:16:10

to check out, critique, and or add to these

1:16:13

new question lists, and consider joining me as a

1:16:15

guest in this new era of possibility, I

1:16:18

have question lists for dating, relationship,

1:16:20

friendship, marriage, divorce, love, secret, creativity,

1:16:22

and play stories, check them

1:16:24

out at yolee.com/share. Sex

1:16:26

stories, or I guess I should say X stories

1:16:29

is produced and edited by the birthday-tastic Kimberly Loftus,

1:16:31

who keeps this pod going and cheers me up

1:16:33

on the days where I get really sad about

1:16:35

the rude social and sexual norms in this world

1:16:38

that we live in. And this is

1:16:40

why more than ever, I encourage you to

1:16:42

take care of yourselves, take care of each

1:16:44

other, and share stories in the name of

1:16:46

lovely human connection.