0:02

I think

0:03

that we all agree that sex is an important part

0:05

of being healthy overall. So

0:07

try to think about, like, what do I need

0:09

to show up as the strongest, most

0:11

intimate, most passionate, sexual being,

0:13

and then do some of those steps. You're gonna

0:16

see that it's going to change your sex life and

0:18

change your attitude towards sex and certainly enhance

0:20

your relationship with yourself and your partner.

0:22

You're listening

0:25

to sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily,

0:27

and I'm here to help you prioritize your

0:29

pleasure and liberate the conversation

0:31

around sex, mismatched sex

0:34

drives. It is one of the most common

0:36

issues long term relationships face

0:38

and one of the most common questions we get asked

0:40

on this show. Frequently, one partner

0:42

has an insatiable appetite for sex.

0:45

Well, the other might treat sex

0:47

more like a chore. But just because your

0:49

levos aren't synced up now,

0:51

doesn't mean they'll be that way forever. On

0:53

today's hotline show, I answer questions all

0:55

about you and your partners differing sex drives

0:57

and how to communicate your way to better alignment.

0:59

From a caller who misses the drama

1:02

and excitement their sex life once had

1:04

to another whose partner's medication has

1:06

caused his desire to be depleted.

1:09

I'll break down step by step how to broach

1:11

this sensitive subject. Because if left

1:13

unaddressed, issues around sex can

1:16

be fatal to a relation and Ship, and work

1:18

do it will only make you and your

1:19

partner stronger. Intensions

1:21

with Emily for each episode, I

1:23

wanna start by setting intention for the show

1:25

and I encourage you to do the same. My

1:27

intention is to help you work through all imbalances

1:30

in your relationships. Because with the right

1:32

mix of communication and empathy, you

1:34

and your partner can build a more resilient and

1:37

sex filled relationship. Please

1:39

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2:02

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2:02

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4:35

We have

4:37

Ashley

4:37

in Florida, Thank you for calling in.

4:39

Tell me what's going on. How can I help you?

4:42

So

4:42

I am thirty six and my boyfriend

4:44

is thirty seven. We have been living

4:46

together for about six months. Dating

4:49

for a year and a half. I

4:51

would like to have sex more

4:53

frequently. We currently have it about

4:55

every four or five days. And

4:58

I feel like I just have a greater sexual

5:01

desire than him and

5:03

I brought it up a couple of different

5:05

times and it always kinda

5:07

goes back to, well, I'm taking antidepressant,

5:10

you know, anti anxiety medication,

5:12

and it lowers my desire,

5:15

my sexual desire.

5:17

So in that, it's not me. He tries to

5:19

reassure me that, but I

5:21

don't

5:21

know. I don't know how else to approach the issue.

5:24

I feel like my needs are kind of

5:26

not being met, but I don't wanna keep

5:28

nagging him as well. Okay.

5:31

Has he been on the antidepressant anti

5:33

anxiety medication since you started dating?

5:36

Yes. Okay.

5:37

So you've been together okay,

5:40

for a year and a half. So I'm gonna assume the

5:42

first three to four months you're having sex a

5:44

lot more frequently just because that's what

5:46

happens in new relationships. And then did

5:48

you start to notice maybe after you moved in

5:50

together, it just started becoming less frequent?

5:52

So we had sex probably about

5:54

the same amount of time just because we saw

5:56

each other less frequently,

5:58

so it wasn't that much of an

5:59

issue. But I'm noticing it a lot

6:02

more lately because we do live together,

6:04

we see each other every day. I

6:06

have a very healthy desire

6:08

for him. This is a really great question. I mean,

6:10

I gotta say, Ashley, that this is the most

6:12

common challenge for couples

6:14

is mismatched libidos

6:16

or mismatched desire. And

6:18

in every relationship, there is a high desire

6:20

partner and a low desire partner. And

6:22

the low desire partner actually has

6:24

more of the power in the relationship because they're the one

6:26

who's deciding when you're having sex, when you're not

6:28

having sex, But this is a

6:30

really common place and most couples have

6:32

some kind of challenge on it, some sort of

6:34

spectrum here. Right? And it sounds

6:36

like for you, you are, you know, voicing

6:39

it with him and he's just, like, not

6:41

into it. Right? What does he say when you let him know

6:43

that you would like to have sex more often? Because I get

6:45

not wanting to be a nag. Does he ever

6:47

say anything like, oh, I would like to try? Or is he

6:49

like, this is just how it is? What's his response?

6:52

He's like, well, I would like for it

6:54

to just happen naturally

6:56

is generally his response.

6:58

But the happen naturally

7:01

is generally me

7:04

initiating things.

7:06

So I feel like sometimes

7:08

I kinda get frustrated and I'm like, well,

7:10

I'm just not gonna initiate and see

7:12

how long it's gonna go, but I don't feel like

7:14

that's the right

7:15

approach either. Right.

7:18

It's not. But I understand that. When

7:20

you initiate, What

7:22

happens? I

7:23

mean, he wants it. He does have

7:25

that desire. And we have a really great

7:27

connection. So there's nothing I

7:29

don't feel like he doesn't have a desire

7:31

for me. We have a really good

7:33

connection. Let me tell you what's going on here, and

7:35

this is really really common. Heres two

7:37

kinds of desire. There's responsive desire and

7:39

spontaneous desire. What you

7:41

have right now is spontaneous desire

7:43

like you far turned on, you think about

7:45

your partner and you're ready to go. He has

7:47

responsive desire, which is actually more

7:49

common, I gotta say, with most people,

7:51

is that we respond to stimuli.

7:54

So for him, it sounds like it's you

7:56

initiating, you making the move, and then

7:58

he's ready to go. How this might

8:00

look with other people is, like, for me,

8:02

like, I need to have a connection with

8:04

my partner and to make sure that we have, like, a really great

8:06

conversation, and then I I need him to

8:08

maybe touch me in a certain way or kiss me. Like,

8:10

I like to kiss first. And then once we kiss,

8:12

I'm more in the mood. Right? So we all have to kinda

8:14

understand how we stope

8:17

that desire. But I also

8:19

get the initiating thing too. It's

8:21

probably hard because you're like, I don't wanna initiate and have him

8:23

reject me or why didn't it just occur to him all

8:25

of a sudden? But we have these different desired

8:27

styles. It just doesn't work like that.

8:29

And so kind of you understanding

8:31

that, like, it's not that he doesn't want to. It just doesn't

8:33

occur to him until he is stimulated

8:35

by you touching him

8:37

and turning him on. So that's kind

8:39

of what what I'm hearing is and perhaps it

8:41

is the medication that has sort of

8:43

dampened that desire in

8:45

him.

8:45

Okay. Yeah. It's just a little

8:48

difficult, you know, when you have not

8:50

always been the initiator. Just

8:52

trying to switch hats with that. But

8:54

I think, you know, I'm willing to do

8:56

that and try give it a try. Yeah. I I think

8:58

you should be willing to do that. But the other thing

9:00

I wanna say is what would also be worth, well, because we're not

9:03

just gonna let him off the hook Heres. here's the

9:05

thing. I think that he should and I'm gonna be

9:07

honest with you. I've had this in my relationships too where

9:09

I'm just I'm not the initiator, and I have to

9:11

consciously think, I haven't

9:13

initiated. Wow. What do I need to do to get in the

9:15

mood? We did a show called arousal styles.

9:17

And arousal and we've been in arousal inventory

9:19

or desire inventory is really what it is.

9:21

And there's a series of questions. And some

9:23

of the questions are like, how

9:26

to look at he could you guys could do this

9:28

together. How important is

9:30

it that I share something stimulating with

9:32

someone to be turned on? How important is it I've

9:34

dressed up and feel confident? How important is

9:36

it for me to watch sexy

9:38

media beforehand? How important is it feel safe and

9:40

comfortable? It's like looking at all the ways

9:42

in the environment. The article

9:44

is called five arousal styles. Which

9:46

ones are you? It's an article too. To simply

9:48

get aroused through conversation, aroused,

9:50

through touch, aroused through visuals,

9:52

aroused through play. So

9:54

what would get your partner closer

9:57

to being aroused? Knowing this,

9:59

like, what could you

9:59

do? What could he do to say, like, oh, I'm really in

10:02

the mood once you touch me. I'm really in the mood

10:04

once we watch porn together. So,

10:06

you know, we're again. We're not letting him off the

10:08

hook But understanding your

10:10

arousal styles and what turned you on,

10:12

I think is important to work for everybody

10:14

in a relationship or when you're not in a

10:16

relationship. Okay. Great. I'll we'll

10:18

definitely read that article and bring

10:20

that

10:20

up in conversation. So

10:22

thank you. I appreciate it so much.

10:24

I love

10:24

your show. Thank you. Thank you so

10:27

much for calling in. I appreciate you.

10:29

Okay, guys.

10:29

Yeah. Here's the thing. Listen, if you've put in a

10:31

relationship with someone you split down the

10:33

middle. Like, you initiate on Mondays and your

10:35

partner initiates on Wednesday and you both the

10:37

same sex drive. That's incredible. I would

10:39

love to know by you. I would love you to call into the show,

10:41

but I'm telling you, In most situations,

10:43

it is a dance. It's a

10:45

compromise. It's something that couples have to become really,

10:47

really aware of. But imagine if you know

10:49

this right now, like, I don't care if you've been with

10:51

someone for you know, ten months, ten

10:53

years, this is

10:55

not common knowledge. Most people don't

10:57

even know that they can get into this. They can

10:59

really understand what does term Yam?

11:01

How can I hack my arousal so

11:03

I get there? Right? So that's why I always

11:05

talk about scheduling sex knowing that

11:07

you're gonna have sex on a Saturday

11:09

allows you to spend the week thinking about

11:11

what you might wanna do, how you would turn yourself

11:13

on, how to turn your partner on, and then you don't have

11:15

to worry about it, Wednesday, Thursday,

11:18

Friday. Like, should I initiate? My

11:20

partner gonna reject me, you know, that takes all

11:22

the worry out of it. So there's all these different hacks

11:24

and all these different ways you can

11:26

work with yourself and your partner

11:28

figuring out what could we do to make sure that we

11:30

are both efficient, effective,

11:32

passionate lovers with each other. Okay.

11:34

Next we give John. He's thirty three in

11:36

Connecticut. Hey, John. What's going on? Hi.

11:38

How are you doing doctor Emily? I'm

11:40

good, John. What's up? Tell

11:42

me everything. My wife

11:44

and I have been married for twenty eight

11:46

If I get a little emotional, I'm not

11:48

trying to be trust me. Oh, okay.

11:50

I'm here for you, John. Overall, we have,

11:52

I think, healthy relationship.

11:55

I mean, we -- Mhmm. -- we don't

11:57

argue, we don't fight a lot. I

11:59

mean, we

11:59

generally get

12:00

along really well. When it

12:03

comes to the the bedroom, it's a

12:05

different issue. We just celebrate our

12:08

anniversary on the twenty first

12:10

first of this month. So it's twenty eight

12:12

years worse. She ended up taking a

12:14

work shift on our anniversary day. I was

12:16

hoping that TransAlta is wearing special for the day,

12:18

but she ended up taking a shift.

12:20

So that kind of told me right off the

12:22

bat that maybe it was gonna be

12:24

a a low celebration anniversary

12:26

and with the COVID thing. Everything's been messed

12:28

up and we've been busy I'm an

12:30

essential worker myself that she is a

12:32

nurse too. So we've both have been busy.

12:34

Yeah. So

12:35

So

12:37

that day, she took the shift. I ended up doing

12:39

yard work, so on and so forth. She came home

12:41

that night, and I was tired because I was looking out the

12:43

yard all day long. I took a

12:45

shower, got cleaned up. I

12:47

mean, I know you talked about

12:49

something like this before, but I'm a

12:52

a celebration anniversary, blowjob type

12:54

of person that's gonna get one.

12:56

Occasionally, once a year, it's the

12:58

student or special occasion, be in the anniversary.

13:00

So I was kind of expecting to be

13:02

intimate with her and to do something like

13:04

that. It didn't happen on the anniversary

13:06

light, but the next morning

13:08

I'm always the initiator when it comes to this

13:10

stuff. She never initiate. So

13:13

when we start fooling around a little bit,

13:15

I I get all and I completely

13:17

take care of her. I which I've

13:19

always done. I've always made sure her needs are

13:21

met, you know, when it comes to

13:23

the wallmaking. I'm always on the

13:25

top and, like, you know, with that type of

13:27

thing. Mhmm. So I finished her

13:29

off. She already hasn't is she the one and one

13:31

type of person she doesn't really want to have

13:33

local market which is fine. I'm okay with

13:35

that. First words out of her mouth

13:37

after she orgasm was,

13:39

okay. It's your turn, but let's hurry up and

13:41

you need to help me because I'm

13:43

not that good and as far

13:45

as you're kicking me off or

13:47

whatever. And at the

13:49

moment, I was, like, getting ready to go. And

13:51

I'm, like, it it didn't really stink

13:53

instantly at the time and then

13:55

after the day. She ended up

13:58

making plans to take my daughter or

13:59

go visit my daughter at college.

14:02

So the Saturday, which was after

14:04

our anniversary, I can do it in the

14:06

sheets of half and made plans with my daughter.

14:08

So I'm working around the yard

14:10

again on because we didn't go anywhere. And I'm

14:12

thinking about what she said

14:14

to me, and I'm just like, you know,

14:16

that that's pretty harsh. Yeah.

14:19

I I didn't talk to her about this yet because

14:21

I'm still upset about it. Mhmm.

14:23

And it was our anniversary night.

14:25

The morning of our anniversary night, she doesn't

14:27

even really look me in the eyes when we weren't having

14:29

sex. I know her libido is low,

14:31

and I know she's not always

14:33

into it. And she's doing it for

14:35

me. But the whole thing with the anniversary

14:37

sex, I felt like it was just an obligation.

14:40

Mhmm.

14:40

Yeah. Have you felt like this before,

14:43

John, or do you think this is just sort of, like,

14:45

the the the, like, time where you're just like I'm

14:47

done? We actually

14:47

did go through we did go through counseling

14:49

for about a year and a half.

14:52

Okay.

14:52

And

14:53

she was

14:55

for

14:55

it originally, I am the one that initiated

14:57

counseling. She

14:59

was forward initially, and then and

15:02

I do have to say the counselor wasn't always

15:04

on my side. She was she went

15:07

you know, take both sides out and she

15:09

would, you know, one day, I should get you. two.

15:12

Yeah. There's two in every situation where I

15:14

go. Yeah. Of course. But

15:16

wait, John, because I only have a few moments below that.

15:18

Of course

15:19

not. Don't, you sound like you have the

15:21

empathic heart. You're carrying the heart in the

15:23

relationship right now. So

15:25

I get that, but I feel like twenty

15:27

eight years a long time, that's such a

15:29

like, and I I could see that you had a lot of

15:32

expectations around this anniversary.

15:34

Because it's happened in the past, maybe that makes

15:36

sense. And that's okay to

15:38

expectations. And then on top of that,

15:40

her comment which it

15:42

could just be like a throwaway comment. She

15:44

was ready for the day. She wanted to get over

15:46

with, and that is hurtful. But she

15:48

might not even remember she said it. I

15:50

would address this because it's a week later and it's

15:52

still really upsetting you. And I would say to her, you

15:54

know, I I really wanna

15:56

talk about our anniversary because it's been it's been

15:58

hurtful to me. You know, I I know Adi's, like, citations

16:00

and I, you know, I love oral sex and

16:02

our anniversary, you know, I expect it didn't

16:05

happen. And I get that we're busy, but then

16:07

in the morning you made comment, and this is how it made

16:09

me feel. It made me feel how did it

16:11

make you feel, John?

16:12

The

16:12

light went felt like she didn't wanna be

16:15

there. Yeah.

16:15

Exactly. And you could say, was that your intention?

16:17

So you could let her know you made a fit. And

16:19

then maybe she was like, oh, god. No. I was actually so

16:22

stressed and I love No. I I wanna

16:24

make twenty eight years. You're right. I'm

16:26

sorry. Or she might

16:27

say, well, I'm not good at it, and

16:30

you always like, because then you're gonna find something out,

16:32

but you said that you don't argue. The

16:34

first thing you said was, you led this

16:36

conversation by saying it's twenty eight years and we never

16:38

argue. I don't know that that's such a great

16:40

thing. Like, to me, couples who don't

16:42

argue and don't have conflict have bigger

16:44

problems than many of us,

16:45

because you've been together

16:46

twenty years.

16:50

It's telling for some controversial type

16:52

of person. I mean, she tries to avoid

16:55

controversy at all times. Well, how's that

16:57

going?

16:57

I I

16:59

have

17:00

to say that she's not

17:02

an evil or spiteful person. I

17:04

don't think she

17:04

is. No. She's not. But, like,

17:07

it also so, John, I'm not I'm not vilifying

17:09

your wife at all. I'm just saying that, like, right now,

17:11

you're needing you're craving some kind

17:13

of intimate you're craving your wife. Like, I

17:15

think you miss her and you want some love and

17:17

attention and affection from And

17:19

she's that's, you know, and you're not getting what you need

17:21

and that's it. And it's, like, that's and that's a

17:24

lot. So twenty eight years, I want you Heres together for

17:26

twenty eight more, but I feel like and I don't mean you

17:28

any conflict, and I don't want you to fight I hate

17:30

conflicts. I'm conflict avoided. So I'm not

17:32

even telling you guys get a fight. I'm saying you could have

17:34

said or this is what I just feel lately. It's been

17:36

a hard and I need a little bit more love from you.

17:38

I would love a hug. I'd love you

17:40

to come home and tell me that you wanna

17:42

have sex with me, that you desire me. It just

17:44

makes me feel less than. It makes you feel

17:46

less connected to you. And for our relationship

17:48

to thrive, I kinda need some of this

17:50

from you. When we're back, I'll be speaking

17:52

to more brave collars all about

17:54

mismatched sex drives

17:55

in their relationship.

17:58

Let's

18:01

talk

18:04

to

18:04

Laura and she's twenty nine years

18:07

old. Hi.

18:08

What's going on? Thank you so much for calling

18:10

in. How can I help you?

18:12

I emailed you because

18:15

basically,

18:15

I've been with my now boyfriend

18:17

off and on since two

18:19

thousand and fourteen. And

18:21

in the beginning, I

18:23

have always been, like,

18:26

laser focused on I want a

18:28

relationship

18:28

with you. And

18:30

we weren't always in alignment

18:33

with that, and that led to some

18:35

breakups. And I always

18:37

felt like in the relationship, I was on the

18:39

back burner I felt like

18:41

my role in the relationship was

18:43

to support him and be there for him while

18:45

he was in this very demanding

18:48

sales career. But because I wasn't

18:50

receiving any verbal affirmations

18:52

or really quality time,

18:55

I use sex

18:57

as a way to feel affirmed in

18:59

the relationship and to

19:02

feel like he loved

19:04

me. I draw the

19:06

line, I draw some boundaries and

19:07

I say, I'm tired of this.

19:10

I'm

19:10

not gonna be treated this way anymore. You're

19:12

not even treating me like a baseline good friend

19:14

at this point. So I'm out.

19:16

I'm done.

19:17

So

19:18

then about a month went by,

19:20

and I don't know what happened, but

19:23

hi that

19:24

was two years ago,

19:26

and now he's shown

19:28

up every single day.

19:30

How I

19:31

always wanted him to. And he still does

19:33

show up so lovingly every day.

19:35

But as far as

19:36

our sex life goes, the

19:38

opposite of the best case scenario because before,

19:41

I was, like, craving it. I needed

19:43

it because I needed those that

19:45

emotional gratification I got

19:47

from it. Now that I'm in

19:49

this beautiful loving relationship,

19:51

my libido's at zero, and I, like,

19:54

think more about getting

19:55

a good night's sleep and making sure that the plates are clean

19:58

now that he's, like, here.

20:00

Okay. That

20:01

was very, you see, very self aware

20:04

of them. Totally with you and following

20:06

along. So, I mean, what

20:08

I hear is first off, I love that he

20:10

was able to come around. It sounds like he really

20:12

did mature throughout this period

20:14

of your relationship for seven years. So and

20:16

and how old are you? You're twenty nine.

20:18

Twenty nine. So you've been together since you were twenty

20:21

two. Which is like most of your twenties and sounds like you

20:23

guys have grown up together and he has

20:25

matured and all the things which I love.

20:27

First, just know that when you were with

20:29

somebody for this long that this is commonplace

20:31

that this is like, you know, you guys

20:33

are comfortable, you becoming together as best friend, you're

20:35

together all the time. It is really

20:37

hard to keep that spark alive.

20:39

Like, what that spark is created

20:41

by and why we have that spark is is

20:43

spot in Haiti and when

20:45

things are uncertain. And when

20:47

you have the newness in variety. Right?

20:50

So it's like variety, spot in eighty and

20:52

novelty. Those are the things that

20:54

we crave. Well, when you're with someone

20:56

for seven years, it's really

20:58

hard. You have to, like, make an effort to create it. Like, how

21:00

do you do are you guys living together? Yeah.

21:02

Yeah. Now we lift you up. So it's like, how do you do that? Like, there's nothing

21:04

spontaneous about you getting up and going to the bathroom and taking

21:06

out the trash. Like, that is not hot.

21:09

And so what I'm hearing from you is, just

21:11

really understanding of how you act at, like,

21:13

knowing that this happens in every

21:15

relationship. Couples often aren't

21:17

equipped even understand what they need to

21:19

keep it hot. So this is when a fair is happening and

21:21

people break up. Soon as couples just they fall

21:23

out of love, they fall out of attraction, they can't get it

21:25

back. But what I'm hearing is like, we just need you to kind of

21:27

figure out how can you get yourself to

21:31

be in a state of desire. And

21:33

arousal. Like, do you know what

21:35

it looks like when you are turned on? Like, have can

21:37

you look to the last time you

21:39

were into the sex

21:39

with him? I

21:41

feel like now I'm chasing the high

21:43

of the drama that was in

21:46

the tumultuous part

21:47

of our relationship. I know that that's

21:49

when I was, like, most

21:51

turned on all the time.

21:53

And

21:53

now, like, we'll have sex,

21:56

but

21:56

it's, like, so

21:58

much more loving, which is

21:59

nice rather than, like,

22:02

really

22:02

hot, you know. Well, that's what makes so

22:04

much sense too. Like, that drama, like, literally you're

22:06

having adrenaline in the dopamine, and it's

22:08

exciting. Like, you have chemicals in your

22:11

brain that are wired around your

22:13

arousal and your initial desire with

22:15

your partner initial traction that was

22:17

built upon drama? Is he in? Is he out? Does

22:19

he get to show up? Is he not? Does he want me? Is he out?

22:21

I mean, and now you got him? Like, so I also

22:23

have a question for you. He's like, are there other

22:25

things? Like, do you think he's your life

22:27

partner? if could get this sex going

22:29

again. Yeah. We wanna

22:30

be with him. Like, he should die. Mhmm.

22:33

Okay. So this is such

22:35

great news. I don't know. So sometimes people I'll ask that, like,

22:37

well, this happened or he cheated

22:39

or I don't think the way he does all these things. But no,

22:41

you're just saying, like, I gotta stoke my

22:43

arousal desire. So have

22:45

you talked to him about this before?

22:47

Yes. Actually, I listened to

22:49

the episode about your dream

22:51

fantasy or, like, your fantasy

22:53

narrative and then coming up with how do

22:55

you wanna feel when

22:57

you're having sex? And I actually

22:59

talked to him about that. And

23:00

This

23:01

is also my situation. He's

23:04

so down

23:04

for anything. Like,

23:06

he's down to have the conversations.

23:08

He's down to do whatever I want.

23:10

But then part me well, that's like

23:13

blah.

23:13

That's not hot. He's not the edge.

23:15

You want the bad boy or whatever it was. That's

23:17

what you're craving. Yeah. But

23:19

I love that you know this about yourself.

23:22

Do you respect him and how he is? It could be

23:24

honest with you. Like, how he moves through life and how

23:26

he is with his friends and work? Like, I

23:28

think so. Yeah. Okay.

23:30

Does he lead you

23:31

sexually? Is he does he initiate? Does

23:33

he do you feel like you're craving

23:36

more of aggression from him or

23:38

more of like taking charge sexually. I

23:40

think I

23:41

might, but I

23:42

fear that he initiates less

23:46

now. Because I may have rejected him

23:49

one too many

23:49

times, and now it's in the back of his mind.

23:51

I'm probably just gonna get rejected again,

23:54

Ball's and Gaurav's court. Like,

23:56

whenever she's ready to go,

23:58

then I'm down. Until we reach

23:59

this equilibrium again, it's

24:02

my turn to do

24:04

the initiating, I just don't

24:06

feel this, like,

24:09

sexiness,

24:09

this drama You

24:11

know? When do you feel this sexiest? Or

24:14

do you feel that right

24:16

now? I don't, but I did just

24:18

go on a trip with

24:19

all my girls. People

24:21

hit on me, and I felt

24:23

so scandalous, but I

24:25

kinda loved it. You know? And

24:27

I did feel sexy.

24:30

And I came back and I

24:32

immediately initiated sex with my

24:34

partner because

24:35

I was like, feeling

24:37

myself again. So

24:38

sometimes it's really common. We get out. We take

24:40

a break from a partner. Lydall do report

24:42

that their best sex or their most drive comes when

24:44

they're on vacation because they don't have to pressures of

24:46

the dishes and sink and work. And so I

24:49

think that this is really like a you thing. How

24:51

can you start to create scenarios where

24:54

you are gonna feel turned on, where you

24:56

are gonna feel your best self. And

24:58

so maybe it's making plans or date

25:00

nights or getting out of the house. And

25:02

doing things with them, seeing them at a party with all your friends and

25:04

like being out in public and then coming back together

25:06

at the end of the night, putting

25:08

things in place, that are

25:10

gonna make you feel the most aroused and the most

25:13

turned on by him and by

25:15

yourself. The other thing about is like sex, we get

25:17

sex. So when you you

25:19

know, if you masturbate, do you think sexy things, do

25:21

you gotta keep our pilot light lit, because once

25:23

it goes out, it's really hard

25:26

to get it back again. You know, it just takes a little bit more work.

25:28

It's like going to the gym, like, you can go every day and

25:30

you feel amazing, but then you stop for a week and

25:32

you're like, oh, god, this is so painful.

25:35

You know, maybe it's you know, doing our yes, no maybe list

25:37

down the website and you guys together, even though I

25:39

know he's down for everything, but really finding

25:42

one thing thing, like, oh, I you

25:44

wanna tie me up. I've wanted to be tied up. And then you

25:46

go out and get some bonded gear and you get

25:48

a hotel room for a night or you go to you

25:50

know, you go somewhere out of your house.

25:52

And you create a scenario that creates new,

25:54

like, synapses firing around your sex life.

25:56

You wanna get a different pattern

25:58

going that's like out of this drag of

26:00

the pandemic and being together. I'm I'm

26:02

just assuming that's what it is, like you've got

26:05

set in your routine and your

26:07

ways. And, you know, there's always gonna be a show to watch, and there's

26:09

always gonna be dishes to do, and there's always gonna be

26:11

things like that in your life. Like, I'm just gonna tell you, like,

26:13

eventually, if you have kids, maybe, like, there's gonna

26:16

be kids grine. Like, that's gonna be the reality.

26:18

But saying like, okay, I'm in this right

26:20

now and I'm gonna try to

26:23

figure out all the things I need to do to show up,

26:25

be sexual, to feel good. Like

26:27

for me, I know it's like working

26:29

out, breathing your voice even partner,

26:31

having a split between the end of

26:33

the day and the time I see my partner because

26:35

otherwise I'm like rolling over from work.

26:37

And even though I'm talking about sex,

26:39

I'm not in the most, you know, turned on space. So I need to,

26:41

like, do certain things. I think most of

26:43

us get into places where we're just not

26:45

always turned on. We've got a lot of things going on.

26:47

So it's like, hacking that for yourself.

26:50

You know, for you, you know you need to, like,

26:52

go out and feel great. Like,

26:54

that's what you're gonna need. So you then start collecting

26:56

this data right now. And that's

26:58

gonna change. It could change in a few years. But right

27:00

now, even if you just know a few things that

27:02

you need to feel like

27:04

you are a sexual being

27:06

that you're gonna start to, like, stop your

27:08

own desire and arousal

27:10

again? I

27:10

used to get glam all the

27:12

time. I used to, like, get dressed up before I

27:14

even saw him, and that's probably what happened on the

27:16

trip. I got dressed up everyday.

27:19

Even if it's like an everyday glam,

27:21

it probably is just like my

27:24

little routine teens and to be totally transparent, I feel

27:26

like even my masturbating has

27:28

gotten really efficient

27:30

for lack of a better

27:32

work. This is all such good information.

27:34

And honestly, I've been the same boat. I worked from home.

27:36

Like, I was like, I have to start putting clothes on. Like,

27:38

I'm gonna put my shoes on and put pants on. I'm

27:40

going to leave in the middle of the day because it's so comfortable. And

27:42

then I don't feel at all. I didn't wanna

27:44

see people. So, no, it's my partner. So, like, I'm

27:46

in the same boat. I think a lot of people are.

27:49

I've been, like, wondering, it's just really hard. It takes

27:51

effort. Before I used to get glam for

27:53

work and now I really need

27:55

to get glam for my

27:57

partner and for myself. Yeah. Because you're

27:59

gonna

27:59

start to feel good too. You realize that once

28:02

you do it and once you get glam again, you're

28:04

like, oh, yeah, I feel good. I've made

28:06

the effort. Right? And then for your partner

28:08

too. Because, yeah, HIPAA y loves you

28:10

however you are, but I'm sure when you make the effort, it's

28:12

like, oh, look at you. It's just we wanna see our

28:14

partner in different life. Mhmm. Definitely.

28:16

Thank

28:16

you so much.

28:18

You're so welcome. It was so

28:21

good to talk to you. I appreciate you calling in. Let

28:23

me know how it goes. I just wanna say that. Remember when

28:25

people say, like, sex takes work, it always bothers

28:27

me out because, like, people, like, well, I don't want sex to be

28:29

work. It's just to be so hot and it's amazing all

28:31

the time. Well, I would just say it's an

28:33

exercise. Sex takes some consciousness.

28:35

Sex takes some mindfulness. Take some

28:37

intention to be a great

28:39

lover to your partner, to

28:41

yourself. So just once we

28:43

all know that, we know some things I have

28:45

to do here to show up, sexually. It's

28:47

not always gonna be so easy. But that's

28:49

okay. So I think that we all agree that sex is

28:51

an important part of being healthy overall.

28:54

So try to think about, like, what

28:56

do I need to show up

28:58

as the strongest, most intimate, most passionate,

29:00

sexual being, and then do some of

29:02

those steps. You're gonna see that it's going to change

29:04

your sex life and change

29:06

your attitude sex and certainly enhance your relationship

29:09

with yourself and your partner. We

29:11

have Abby at thirty one

29:13

in Virginia. Thank

29:14

you so much for calling. Tell me what's going on.

29:16

So I

29:17

am newly engaged, which I'm

29:19

super excited about. We've been together

29:21

for about two and a half Heres.

29:24

And overall, really great relationship,

29:27

but there's one area where I

29:29

feel like we need to

29:32

grow

29:32

in a little bit more and that's our

29:34

sex life, so that's why I'm reaching out to

29:36

you. And I'm super excited. Great. Welcome to

29:38

the show. You came to the right place. Thank

29:40

you. Yeah. So at

29:42

first when we

29:45

would have sex, it was like, I would try

29:47

to suggest things or, you

29:49

know, kind of give

29:51

encouraging words, move his hand in the right direction, and

29:53

it felt like he would

29:55

get fresh traded or wouldn't really take the feedback

29:57

which made it really tough because everyone

29:59

has different wants and desires. So it's

30:01

like how can we progress

30:03

in this if he's not open to that. But

30:05

that side has grown a lot

30:07

and I feel like he's more open

30:10

to suggestions But

30:12

I feel like now

30:14

whenever he

30:15

initiates, it's more so

30:17

what

30:18

he wants And once he gets what he wants,

30:20

that's it. There's not really much

30:22

foreplay. There's not much

30:24

pleasure honestly that I'm getting out of

30:26

things on my side. And I'm

30:29

not quite sure how to shift that.

30:31

I like to

30:32

assume that most

30:34

of our partners

30:36

want

30:36

to be great

30:37

lovers to us that they did not get in

30:39

a relationship saying, you know what, I'm just gonna care about

30:41

my needs and not my partners. So one hundred percent,

30:43

I'm sure that he's like,

30:45

want to do what he can, but we have to remember

30:47

when it comes to sex specifically. Is

30:50

that first, it's really

30:52

hard to take feedback, especially

30:54

because most people We don't even talk about sex. Right? We

30:56

don't know how to share what we want. And so

30:58

it sounds like he's been more open to that,

31:00

but still when it comes to the execution

31:03

of it, He's not quite sure what to

31:05

do. And in the moment, when we are in a

31:07

heightened state of arousal, and

31:09

we have all our hormones, our

31:11

flaring, and we're feeling so aroused and turned

31:14

on. It's kinda hard sometimes to make rational

31:16

sense to kinda be stopping and thinking, like, what did she

31:18

say? She wanted, and I'm really turned on

31:20

right now. So let's get going, I love the

31:22

compliment sandwich approach you

31:24

are giving feedback. The bread's

31:26

like two compliments and two affirmations,

31:28

but in the middle there and the meat. Is

31:30

you're giving some suggestive feedback. And

31:32

so I would start by saying, you know,

31:34

I've noticed, like, I love that when you are

31:36

making these efforts, when we're together to do

31:38

things for me, that turn me on.

31:40

And then the feedback would be, but I've noticed

31:42

that sometimes there's these moments where

31:44

we're having sex and

31:46

I'm not quite getting what I need.

31:49

From you and then give him specific steps.

31:51

Again, you might already done that or let him know specifically

31:53

what you need. Do you know what you need? And

31:55

what are those things? Yeah. I

31:57

mean, I think more foreplay in general,

31:59

he tends to just jump straight into

32:01

it, which I feel like from listening

32:03

to your show's a

32:06

trend. And

32:08

just I mean, even he

32:10

doesn't really want to kiss

32:12

a lot or, like, explore

32:14

the body. It's like, let's get straight

32:17

to it. That doesn't really work for

32:19

me. So then it turns

32:21

to me not really wanting

32:23

sex as much and feeling like I'm not

32:25

getting anything out of it. So why would I want it? Which

32:27

really sucks? Yes. This is very common. You've been

32:29

listening to show. It's not just a trend. It's

32:31

literally what has been happening since the beginning of

32:33

time. We have to understand that this is also an education

32:35

thing. So you he needs to understand and

32:37

needs to learn that for vulva owners,

32:39

the majority of vulva owners think about

32:41

it this way, we are slow cookers. Right? And if you have a

32:43

penis, you're more like a frying pan. It takes us a

32:46

while to get turned on, to get

32:48

aroused, and we can't just go from zero

32:50

to sex. If he understands

32:52

the mechanics of it that we're talking about

32:54

biology, physiology, we're

32:56

talking about this is just the way like you you

32:58

actually requirement like foreplay is not

33:00

just a light suggestion. It's actually a

33:02

requirement and that you

33:04

don't feel around your body's not

33:06

getting turned and you won't be ready to go unless these things

33:08

happen. You know, you can even ask them.

33:10

So, like, I've noticed, like, I know we've talked about this

33:12

before and, like, the last thing I wanna do is be a

33:14

nag, and But can you let me know, like,

33:16

what happens in the moment? Like, let's break it

33:18

down. Like, what what could I do to help

33:20

you here? You know, if it doesn't happen again and

33:22

I want you not to get frustrated, Abby,

33:24

because this might take another time.

33:26

You might have talked about it tonight and then

33:28

talked about it in a week from now or a month

33:30

from now. You know, I just

33:32

it takes again a long time to build and you

33:34

have it. So if I'm, you know,

33:37

guiding him in the moment slightly, just moving

33:39

him hand his hand somewhere he

33:41

doesn't get offended, but he kind of does, like, it

33:43

I feel like it's an ego thing maybe where

33:45

it's, like, he doesn't feel like he's doing something

33:47

right and then he'll get worked up about it. Do

33:49

you have any suggestions on that. First, I would say

33:51

when you're talking to him, I would say, you know what, babe, I wanna

33:53

tell you this. And, like, I would look in his eyes. I

33:56

would be touching him, maybe the time, like, however you

33:58

feel the most intimate, say babe,

33:59

I you to know that I've noticed some times when

34:02

this happened, I put your hand away that how I

34:04

experience it is that you get a little frustrated at the

34:06

moment. You can tell them, could you make this sound or you

34:08

do this maybe he's got

34:10

this, like, reaction when he does this thing with his eyes

34:12

and you're like, oh, that's his frustrated. Like, but maybe it's not

34:14

at all. And you could say, I just wanna

34:16

check that. Because that I don't feel as comfortable making them. So can you

34:18

just tell me, is that still frustrating to you? And

34:20

let them say, like, yes or no? Maybe he doesn't

34:22

notice it. Do

34:24

something else. And

34:26

I think it's the way you do it maintaining

34:28

context, smiling, like connecting. So

34:30

staying connected while you're doing it.

34:32

I feel like I've gotten to a point where maybe I am getting

34:34

a little frustrated because I feel like I just don't know

34:37

what else to do, and I don't

34:39

wanna be that way. I

34:42

mean, if we're gonna be married. But let me just go back to one thing that

34:44

you said. You're like, everything's great. We're getting married. I'm

34:46

so happy, but there's this one thing. It

34:48

is not just a little thing.

34:51

It's not just like he leaves his socks on the floor.

34:53

I mean, this is sex and this is

34:55

a much bigger thing because there might

34:57

be reasons why he Like,

34:59

usually, the problems with sex are not just one thing. Like,

35:01

the conversation's gonna help, but maybe there is something

35:04

that happened to him. Many men are

35:06

taught to be like, I gotta be in charge.

35:08

I gotta know what I'm doing sexually. If someone gives me

35:10

feedback, then I'm less of a man. Like, my

35:12

penis just shrank and I'm a terrible

35:14

person if I'm not being the greatest lover right

35:16

now. Right? So it's ego, it's shame. We don't know

35:18

what it is for your partner, but this is why,

35:20

like, if you guys could just get down to and be

35:22

like, let's just talk about this because I want

35:24

us to,

35:26

like, Let's get through all of this stuff of what it might mean and,

35:28

like, learn to be incredible lovers to each

35:30

other. Awesome. Well, I'm excited.

35:32

I hope it works out.

35:35

I am too. I'm excited for you too.

35:37

I think you're on for some important

35:39

information, so I would love to know how it goes. I

35:41

feel good about this. Feel like he's probably gonna be able

35:43

to listen in a way that maybe before just felt shame. Yeah. I

35:46

hope so. Why

35:46

not figure all this stuff

35:48

before you walk down the aisle? And I

35:50

can't tell you how many people fifteen years. My partner

35:53

doesn't like this, not but we could have

35:55

figured this all out before we got

35:58

married. Know what I know you love him, but this stuff is not just a o and a sex. This

36:00

is like a huge part of your relationship because

36:02

when couples don't work this stuff out,

36:05

and they stop having sex and the resentments build and they

36:07

have become roommates roommates without

36:10

the sex, so not the good kind of

36:12

roommates. Not not the

36:14

satisfying kind of roommates. Yeah. And,

36:16

actually, he's coming home right now. I see

36:18

him going to drive like this. Oh my

36:20

god. Well, I would do it. Let him know. Let him know how

36:22

it goes. Good luck to you, Abby. You got his goal

36:24

to speak in the heart. Guys,

36:26

I love the idea of premarital

36:28

counting therapy, whatever you got before you are

36:30

committing to somebody to marriage, to

36:32

spend the of your life with them to

36:34

wake up next this person every single morning and go to bed to them every single night. Don't you want to understand

36:36

who they are? Do you

36:38

have the same values? Do you

36:41

both commit to talking about intimacy and sex. Think when

36:43

people get married, they feel like it's harder to do,

36:46

so why not find out who this person

36:48

is? Are you on the

36:50

same page? I don't think it's

36:52

ever too soon to get some

36:54

help with understanding how you guys are

36:56

gonna communicate and go forward and understanding how you

36:58

both feel about your sex life. Do it

37:00

now.

37:08

That's it. For today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for

37:10

listening to this sex with Emily. Be sure to

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