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gonna go to Socky. But

1:51

daddy, I love him. I'm

1:54

having his baby. No I'm

1:56

not, but you should see

1:59

your face. Is that Taylor? Is

2:02

that from the new album? Yeah. It's

2:05

hitting for me. There are songs that hit for

2:07

me. It's a lot harder

2:09

than others. It's a big old album.

2:11

It's a real odyssey of a catalog. It's

2:13

a real 31 song. Three

2:16

hour list of- It's

2:18

an experience that'll take it out

2:20

of you. It'll wear you right out. It'll wear you

2:22

down. Who is she talking- what is she talking about?

2:26

The whole album is about him

2:28

and how obsessed with him she

2:30

was. They had

2:32

an on-off relationship for like 10 years.

2:34

She had a 10 year long fascination

2:36

with him. What? They've

2:38

known each other for that long? They've known each other

2:40

for a long time. Girl, I

2:42

fell into a TikTok K-hole

2:44

where the tweens were telling me everything

2:47

I needed to know. Wait, so all

2:49

this time he was the one she

2:51

had in mind? Yeah, even

2:54

through her relationship, I think for

2:56

the past 10 years, the

2:58

people that she's dated have been because

3:00

she just couldn't get him to commit.

3:02

So then she would be in relationships

3:04

with other people and then be like,

3:08

I'm just gonna date Calvin Harris

3:10

because he's fucking hot and

3:12

he's into me. I'm just gonna

3:14

date Joe Alwyn because he's hot and

3:17

he's British so I get a little

3:19

bit of that British dick and he's

3:21

into me. But secretly I'm like masturbating thinking

3:23

about Maddie. She kind of eats. Imagine

3:26

having a 31 song album

3:28

written about you. I know. Damn, is

3:30

he that good? I think like

3:32

depressed, skinny dick can be that good.

3:36

Sometimes depressed potential,

3:38

drug addict, dick. Pete Doherty,

3:40

dick. Pete Doherty. You get like

3:43

twisted over baby shambles dick. You

3:48

get twisted, like Nicole Richie said her so

3:51

she was like skinny heroin addict any day

3:53

of the week. Some women,

3:55

they ride hard for that. Me

3:58

personally, I don't like a girl. guy who's

4:00

skinnier than me but

4:02

Taylor you love a

4:04

drug addict Taylor I'm

4:07

like actually shook at this I thought

4:09

it was about Joe Alwyn no doll

4:11

no doll there are maybe a couple

4:13

songs about old boring ass Alwyn but

4:15

she's over him she's been

4:17

over him Elizabeth is

4:19

telling me that there are songs

4:21

on folklore and evermore about Maddie

4:24

Healy does she sing about Travis

4:26

she has one song about him

4:28

it's called so high school does she love

4:30

him do you think I don't know see

4:32

okay it's interesting you asked this because as

4:34

I was listening to this album and really

4:36

put my thinking cap on I was

4:39

like what is

4:41

Travis intellectually like if she loves

4:43

these kind of like dark sad

4:46

poetic my face boys

4:48

yeah she likes a myspace boy that

4:50

makes her like feel deep

4:52

and she can really get like into

4:54

her emotions and like mine a lot

4:57

out of that creatively then I'm like

5:00

you're with this guy who's pretty

5:03

like what you see is what you

5:05

get he's funny he's hot obviously but

5:08

is he really gonna inspire that like

5:10

deep like ooh like

5:13

heartache poetry writing kind

5:15

of vibe and then

5:17

I was thinking like this well this can't last because

5:19

what is he bringing to the table it's like kind

5:21

of he's like kind of like a big hot dumb

5:23

dumb oh I think it's gonna last but then I

5:27

talked to Sierra about it and she was

5:29

like no this is it for her like

5:31

she is loving it he loves to be

5:33

like public he wants to be out she

5:35

wants to be out and about also when

5:38

she's out with him it's like she has

5:40

this fucking bodyguard around her and he

5:42

like rides for her and just thinks

5:44

she's a genius and he's like the

5:46

most famous athlete now like in the

5:49

world and he's he's the king of

5:51

the football like he's the the

5:53

ultimate jock I think it's actually good

5:56

for her brand to be with someone like those yeah

5:58

and it's like a fantasy kind of coming

6:00

true. So then I was like, okay,

6:02

I see that. I feel like,

6:05

I mean, I don't admittedly don't know that

6:07

as much about her as other people do,

6:09

but like I followed this relationship fairly closely

6:11

because I was forced to follow it. You

6:14

can't escape it. I know about, now

6:16

I know so much about the Mahomes

6:19

and the Kelsey family. It's getting like

6:21

Russian technology just like beamed in like,

6:23

it's Havana syndrome is actually,

6:25

you're just beamed news about Travis

6:27

Kelsey and Taylor Swift that you

6:29

didn't sign up for. And Brittany

6:31

Mahomes. I know about

6:33

Brittany Mahomes is like sister. She says.

6:37

Again? Again?

6:53

But yeah, I think like, I think. What

6:55

do you think, sis? I think he's the one for her.

6:59

I would like that. I feel like they can balance each other and

7:01

I think you don't need to have, I think

7:03

there's a great myth that if

7:05

you are like a dark, if you

7:08

have a brooding, emotional, like cascading,

7:12

you know, cave of internal world

7:15

that she seems to have, that

7:17

you need someone like that. I actually

7:19

think it's the opposite. If you have someone like that, you're going

7:21

to drive each other crazy and you're going to be annoying as fuck

7:23

and fight all the time. You need, you

7:25

need like a sweet dumb dumb who's, who's hot

7:28

as shit and charming, charismatic as

7:30

hell. And like funny

7:32

and funny. And like maybe he's low key

7:34

really deep. I don't know. I

7:37

know. And he's a good dick. I

7:39

was thinking too, like you

7:41

don't need to be tortured by your

7:43

relationship. It's actually not healthy to be

7:46

sad all the time and like

7:48

feeling really intense, deep, sad

7:51

feelings about your relationship. You don't need to

7:53

be like a faculty member of the torture

7:55

post department. You need to just like audit.

7:57

You need to be a student. graduate

8:00

and then leave it all behind. Leave

8:02

it behind and like go with that

8:04

good hog of a man. Like that

8:07

hog dick where he'll be cute

8:09

kids together. Yeah and hope that they decide to

8:11

do with her. That's what she wants to do

8:13

and he like clearly

8:15

will like he worships her and like

8:17

looks her like goo-eyed like who

8:20

wouldn't want that. Yeah that's true. I

8:22

think he's the one. We all have

8:24

to get over our urge

8:26

to be tortured by our

8:29

lover. The feminine gay and gay

8:31

urge to be tortured. Mm-hmm to

8:33

be absolutely brutalized emotionally. You don't

8:35

need that. You can be the

8:37

torturous one in a relationship and

8:39

let's let someone bring

8:41

you into the light. Yeah. Let

8:43

Travis is the exit door of

8:45

a department. You know you need someone

8:47

to bring you back from the edge because Maddie

8:49

Healy is gonna push you on into that landfill

8:52

with him. I know and then she kind of

8:54

sings out she was ready to like fucking just

8:56

torch her entire life for him. What power?

8:59

She needs to go to slaw. Not

9:05

no. I'm not gonna tell

9:07

her what to do but like that

9:10

you like girl you grow the fuck

9:12

up. She was not wanting to grow

9:14

up. Torch my life. It's like no

9:16

you're not you're a billionaire. Oh just

9:18

sell my Newport house. She

9:21

was ready to burn it all down. From

9:23

Blake Lively. Mm-hmm they're gonna make some pie

9:26

while she tortures her life. I mean good

9:28

for her. Maybe this was like

9:30

the exorcism she needed. I think it was like

9:33

an exorcism album where she's just like I'm gonna

9:35

like I have no choice but to write 31

9:38

songs about this man and

9:40

publish them and humiliate myself

9:42

and then close the chapter and end the

9:44

story. I kind of I'm like props to

9:46

you for that sis. And then go out

9:49

with the captain of the football team. Yeah

9:51

go out with like the true

9:53

tank of a man. She's the

9:56

weird girl dating. I know

9:58

it's really like the weird girl that

10:00

like was made fun of in

10:02

school gets the last laugh after all. It's

10:04

truly that song. You

10:07

belong with me. I know. I'm the

10:09

girl in the bleachers. She got- It's cool.

10:12

Yeah. I ride for her.

10:14

I ride for her saying you wouldn't last an hour in

10:16

the asylum where they raised me. I'm sure

10:18

I wouldn't. She

10:20

freaks me out. She terrifies me.

10:22

She's so- She's built different. She's not like

10:25

other girls. No, she is like a- her

10:27

brain is like, I think she's a psychopath.

10:30

I like it. Now I fucking ride. It's

10:33

like some- I think if she didn't- if

10:35

she wasn't famous, she would be like a killer. She'd

10:38

be like an assassin. She'd be like a- just

10:41

a real cunt lawyer. She'd be Beth

10:43

Dutton. She is Beth Dutton

10:45

vibes. But like not the like- With minus

10:47

the huge tit. Or the sloppy- like the

10:49

messiness. Minus the smudged eyeliner. She'd be like-

10:52

Do you think Taylor's watched Yellowstone? Yes.

10:55

I want her to write a song called Beth Dutton.

10:57

Just like Beth Dutton. She was like, I'll put on

10:59

my boots. A song called Lemme Guess. I like her

11:02

to do a country album again. Me too. The

11:05

Daddy I Love Him song is kind of country.

11:08

Who cares though. I'm

11:12

just like- I'm tired of it. You

11:15

haven't even listened to it. No, I just don't like-

11:17

I don't like that her fans- Did you listen to

11:19

Midnight's? Yeah, I like Midnight's. You're gonna listen to this.

11:22

I don't like how her fans like- Doc's

11:24

people and like Threatened Live. Obviously.

11:26

No, I just- Obviously.

11:28

She scares someone- she's at a level

11:31

of fame that's frightening. Obviously. She's

11:34

like literally like- Na

11:36

Baron Harkonnen. Who's that? Austin

11:39

Butler. He's

11:42

not- they call him Na Baron in the

11:45

little stadium. That is her

11:47

on Eara's tour. That was Eara's tour. It

11:50

was. It was actually Austin

11:52

Butler's like gladiator vibe and dune. It

11:55

kind of just reminds- it was just

11:57

very like Reverend Moon marrying people.

12:00

on Moss. It was like the

12:02

Mooneys. That's what her- It was kind of

12:04

cool. She was like- she has a song

12:06

called I Can Do It With

12:08

a Broken Heart that's all about how she

12:10

was like slaying on Era's tour, like giving

12:12

the performance of a lifetime. Like fans

12:15

eating it up and the whole time

12:17

she's like maniacally depressed and like wants

12:19

to die. Sorry but no one will

12:21

ever do it better than Katy Perry crying on her

12:24

way up to- That's a life of a true star.

12:27

Putting on like a cupcake tit bra.

12:29

As being- having your handlers fasten like

12:31

icing bras to you and you being

12:34

like- and then

12:37

going up and being like- Someone posted

12:39

like throwback to Rihanna and

12:42

Katy's friendship. Remember their

12:44

best- are they still friends you think?

12:46

Probably not. They were like inseparable. They

12:48

were ride or dies. They

12:50

always be giggling and like gossiping

12:52

together at the work shows. They were after she's

12:56

been against. No one's better than Melissa and

12:58

Rihanna though. For bestie. I

13:00

love them. The

13:04

military tried to create a gay bomb. Tell

13:08

me more. The

13:10

idea of a gay bomb came from the

13:12

desire to debilitate and distract their opponents that

13:14

not necessarily kill them. Yeah

13:16

so in 1994 the

13:18

US Department of Defense was looking into theoretical

13:21

chemical weapons that would do what you

13:23

just say and they began exploring

13:25

alternate options and they said

13:28

what would distract or dilute a soldier long

13:30

enough to mount an attack without causing the

13:32

soldier any bodily harm. The answer seemed obvious.

13:36

Sex. So they came up with a bio weapon that

13:38

could turn enemy soldiers gay and have all their units

13:41

break down because all their soldiers became irresistibly

13:43

attractive to one another. Well they didn't ever

13:45

actually make it. No but they wanted to

13:48

create like a pheromone. It was a theoretical

13:50

bomb. So they like thought

13:52

what if we made this bomb that just

13:54

made everyone gay. Pheromones.

13:57

Which is a great idea in

13:59

theory. In

14:01

theory, absolutely. Just like a ravenous

14:04

orgy happening in the barracks as...

14:06

To be fair, being in the military

14:09

is gay, so why not just like,

14:11

spray them and let them take

14:16

the extra step to sucking and fucking

14:18

in the open? Speak more in it. Isn't

14:20

it gay to sign up to be

14:23

with a bunch of men and do

14:25

drills and like, sleep in bunkbeds

14:29

and like, wear costumes? And

14:33

shower together? And clean guns and shower

14:35

together and like, lace up

14:37

your boots and like, make... It's

14:40

gay to make your bed with like, corners.

14:43

So add some biologically created

14:45

pheromones. You're literally... It's a fucking... They

14:48

were thinking this way where they're like,

14:50

they are truly... All it takes is

14:52

like, the right pheromone for these guys

14:55

to just go fucking ape shit on

14:57

each other. And this makes me think

14:59

that they actually did make it because

15:02

I feel like when it comes

15:04

to this kind of shit, theory always leads to... Practice?

15:07

There's probably like, in some

15:09

vault. What if you're not

15:11

actually gay but you accidentally just got

15:13

sprayed with this pheromone? In the early

15:15

90s? Yeah. Maybe.

15:18

Did you ever... What if you remember

15:20

like, department stores and you walk through and

15:22

they just spritz you? Yeah. What

15:25

if that happened to you as a child? I was part of an experiment.

15:28

They were like, okay. What if all

15:30

the gays, the coastal gays are just

15:32

part of a mass experiment where the

15:35

government had ladies in

15:37

the perfume department stores. They

15:40

targeted men whose mothers

15:42

took them shopping as a kid. They

15:45

would see like a mother, an overly involved mother

15:48

with their very young son and they'd say, he's

15:50

a prime candidate. They'd spray every little

15:52

boy in the department store and then

15:54

maybe that's how all the guys came

15:56

to be. I think we should look into

15:59

those. I'm onto

16:01

something. I can feel it. I

16:03

feel like when I try

16:05

and fucking tell me being in the military

16:07

isn't the gayest thing you could possibly do.

16:10

It is certainly homoerotic. Holding

16:13

guns all the time, cleaning them,

16:16

cleaning toilets, cleaning toilets

16:18

with toothbrushes. Drill sergeants are inherently

16:20

gay. They're like, man, fuck

16:22

me, daddy. Looking like a coin and

16:24

bouncing a coin off your bed is

16:26

the gayest thing I ever heard. Boing.

16:30

That's not tight enough. I just

16:32

love that like they were trying

16:34

to weaponize. Like it's just so

16:36

funny. Weaponized sex. Yeah, it

16:38

wasn't it wasn't necessarily a gay bomb. I

16:41

think it was like anyone. It

16:43

would be used on soldiers who majority

16:46

are men. Right. But theoretically, you could

16:48

drop the gay bomb at the blood

16:50

rave and it would have the same

16:52

effect. It's kind of Cronenberg because there

16:54

was a movie. Cronenberg made a movie

16:56

in the 70s called The Shivers. Have

16:59

you ever seen that? No. It was one

17:02

of his early movies. It's really fucked up.

17:04

It sounds cool. It's like a scientist testing

17:07

a manmade parasite that can like be

17:10

a replacement organ for people. And

17:13

his lab, which is in his apartment in this like Toronto

17:16

high rise. And the

17:18

parasite gets loose and it reproduces and it

17:21

turns everyone into the building into like sex-crazed

17:24

zombies. So they're all

17:26

like raping and like fucking each other.

17:28

Well, it's wild. That's very gay

17:30

bomb. They

17:33

also thought of a bomb that would like just

17:35

attract a lot of bees. They

17:38

were like, what if we had a bomb that was like

17:40

the bees, I say. I hope it does.

17:43

That's sick. That's like that kind

17:45

of shit is so like slightly

17:47

annoying. Could drive people to madness.

17:50

Well, angry bees just sing you. Oh,

17:52

I thought it was just like one day. You

17:54

just noticed an uptick in bees and it's

17:56

like people are getting stung. No, it's not

17:58

not as if it's. It's literally just

18:01

like a pheromone that would attract

18:03

bees. I

18:05

am back on my bee bullshit

18:08

and I crave them. Are

18:10

you- I'm just- I

18:12

need somewhere to go where I can

18:14

really get- Go back to that place.

18:16

I know, but it's- you have to

18:18

pay. There's probably somewhere in like Malibu

18:20

or something. I emailed like

18:23

a beekeeper last year and I was

18:25

like, do you need an apprentice? He

18:27

never fucking got back to me. Well follow

18:30

up. I'm going to. I'm craving.

18:32

Is it circling back? Circling

18:34

back like a busy bee. Let

18:36

me assist you for free. What if there's

18:39

like a bee farm in like Zuma Beach?

18:42

That seems- it's far, but I would consider it. Every

18:44

day you would look out, you'd like pat down your

18:46

hat and look out at the ocean and go- Here's

18:49

the thing is I'm like, I know there has

18:51

to be a beekeeper that like

18:53

tends to rich people with

18:56

like apiaries. Yeah. Like, so

18:58

like just let me tag along. I'll

19:00

wear the bee suit and I will

19:03

be so grateful to be there. And

19:06

like that's all I crave. I

19:08

crave being around swarms

19:10

of honeybees. I'm pretty sure

19:12

in one of the like

19:15

season seven or six of Vanter Pump, there

19:17

was a moment where they were out in

19:19

Lisa's backyard and I swear she had beehives.

19:21

She probably does. Yeah. She

19:23

seems like- I'm in LA and

19:26

you like animals. The chance that

19:28

you have a beehive is strong. She seems like

19:30

a real beehive girl. I know.

19:32

I just really need to get near some

19:35

bees buzzing. You do it. I

19:37

get really close to flowers where they are.

19:40

Just try and listen to them. You love them. I

19:43

love them. They are incredible. I would

19:45

love for them to crawl over my hand.

19:48

I'm not at a place of like bees on my

19:50

skin just yet, but I would love to get

19:52

to a point where I just like dip

19:55

my hand in the hive and like

19:57

have a bee hand. I respect them.

20:00

And I fear for their survival

20:02

because they're going extinct and that's gonna- We

20:04

must protect them at all costs. We're gonna

20:06

collapse our ecosystem but I'm also like stay

20:08

away from me. Yeah. But I have

20:10

a healthy respect. I say do your thing,

20:12

leave me out of it. And they will. Yeah.

20:16

So go do your beehive thing. Gotta

20:18

do some bee business. And report back.

20:21

I will. If anyone listening to the pod

20:23

have a hookup to

20:25

like a beekeeper, let me know.

20:27

Any Southern California beehives. I know.

20:29

Just please. Clues me in. Give

20:33

me the bees. What if

20:35

you become- what if this like becomes your thing and

20:37

you're like I must change my

20:39

life and like sorry I'm closing my pod and

20:41

becoming a beekeeper. Um, I'm trying to do that.

20:44

That's like what my ultimate goal

20:46

is, is to- you have to

20:48

own a home unfortunately. You

20:51

can't like beekeeping an apartment. I've

20:53

looked into it. There's

20:55

gotta be a bee community in California.

20:58

I think there is. Just take some

21:00

like- let's research mama. Yeah. I say

21:02

to myself. There's probably like a hot

21:05

beekeeper guy. I know. There

21:07

was one at the Ojai Valley Inn. A

21:10

really sexy beekeeper man. There's gotta

21:12

be more than just him. I know. It's

21:14

a thing for truly only the sexiest

21:16

people. Geniuses. It's

21:18

a genius level job. Mm-hmm. Maybe

21:21

I'll make some honey. Maybe you

21:23

will. I'll make a petallet like Ms. Markle. What

21:26

if she sells your honey? What

21:28

if she said, hey I heard

21:31

your podcast and I heard you're looking to tend to

21:33

some bees. Come over to-

21:36

Montecito. Montecito. To the

21:38

American Riviera Orchard. And tend to my bees. I'd

21:41

say okay. Bee right there. My

21:44

best friend just started watching Suits.

21:47

He said she's an incredible actress. Really?

21:50

Yeah. Sierra also said she was really good. Everyone

21:54

is a Suits head. It's the

21:56

biggest show of all time on Netflix. I'll

21:59

never forget being on a- plane and looking

22:01

over at this ultra bro and he's watching

22:03

suits on his laptop. Why is everyone high-key

22:05

obsessed with suits? You won't find me watching

22:07

it, sorry. I'm not in my suit, Sarah.

22:09

Not yet. Not yet. That's

22:12

a show for like terminal illness. You

22:14

know what I mean? Where you're like, ugh, god,

22:16

I have like stage five

22:18

cancer. I'm gonna watch suits.

22:22

That's a saving for that. Like a hospice

22:24

show? That's Harry Potter to me too. Is

22:27

like... You never read Harry

22:29

Potter? I never read Harry Potter but I've

22:31

now decided I'm saving it. Have

22:33

you seen the movies? Unfortunately. That's the same thing

22:35

with me. I've never... I read the

22:37

first book and no other book but I've seen all the fucking

22:39

movies. They always showed the movies

22:41

at boarding school. I was like, we get

22:43

one night a fucking week to watch a

22:45

movie and you're gonna sit here and make

22:47

me, an 18 year

22:50

old woman, watch Harry fucking Potter fuck you. I

22:52

saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the final

22:54

one in London when I was abroad. I was

22:56

like, why am I doing this? Well,

22:59

very London thing to do. Yeah, I guess

23:02

it was pretty appropriate. No, that and suits

23:04

are in the terminal illness category for me.

23:07

Okay, that's a hospital. That's like something to

23:09

look forward to while in hospital. We'll

23:12

always have that. Yeah. Always have suits, I say

23:14

to myself. The game. But

23:18

we have bigger fish to fry. We've got

23:20

VPR. We have a valley to tend to.

23:22

Valley, which felt kind of, for

23:24

a second thought I was watching VPR. I know. When

23:27

they were in the Mondrian. I'm Kerry. I'm Laura.

23:30

And you're listening to Sexy Unique. Beez. Beez.

23:33

Valley of the Dolls. Valley of the Dolls. So

23:41

we start out at Chris's

23:43

apartment. Luke and Dodie are chatting pregnancy.

23:45

Chris's apartment looks like one of those

23:48

apartments near the Grove that Lauren

23:50

Conrad lived in. Mm-hmm. It

23:54

has such a temporary energy to it. Much

23:56

like everything in her life. Luke

24:00

is hot. I had a moment. I

24:04

respectfully disagree. I had a moment where I

24:06

was like, I know he's like, there

24:08

was a moment where I was like,

24:10

he scares me deeply to my core,

24:12

but like there's something like... There's something

24:15

about her, you said. He...

24:18

I didn't realize what

24:21

a fucking freak he was.

24:23

I didn't understand what like a

24:25

school shooter he was. He's total

24:27

school shooter. He is gonna shoot

24:29

up, sir. My

24:31

tortured post environment is like having the

24:33

hots for a school shooter. He's

24:37

a gecko. That's a red

24:39

flag. This man, when I saw the

24:41

gecko and I was like, what? And then

24:43

I feel like I truly saw him for

24:46

who he is. And then when Dodie revealed

24:48

that he like lives on a homestead with

24:51

no water that just got electricity, I

24:53

was like, oh, wait,

24:55

she's dating like... Fucking

24:58

like Waco. He's

25:00

giving Davidian Branch. He's

25:03

a dog named Jill. I like that. See,

25:06

that Jill was like a red hair. Like it

25:08

threw me off. I was like, that's cool. But

25:11

then the gecko freaked me out so much. If

25:13

you're... Why are you as a man over 30

25:15

with a gecko? Sorry. No.

25:18

Crystal looks beautiful in this

25:21

moment. She wants to be filled with

25:23

cum and make a baby. She's desperate

25:25

for cum. She's truly

25:28

cum hungry. She goes, let me sit down on the

25:30

floor. I'm better on the floor. I was like... She

25:32

knows herself. She knows her angles.

25:34

She knows who she is. She

25:37

really does not want to live in Colorado. She's

25:39

freaked out by it. She's like, I want to...

25:41

How can I postmates? Now I

25:43

get it. Because I thought like she was just going

25:45

to be like in a

25:47

cute cabin in a neighborhood. I

25:49

didn't realize that he... He's off

25:52

grid. He's like...

25:54

He's prepping. She's... He wants to create like

25:56

a... Literally about to have a baby with like

25:58

a militia. No, he wants... I really think

26:00

he's in some sort of like Colorado

26:03

militia and he wants to build like

26:05

an army of children with Dodie literally

26:07

building like bombs In

26:10

like the second bedroom of their

26:12

cursed Valley apartment. He's prepping for

26:15

something. He's McVeigh coded Yeah, he

26:17

goes. It's honestly weird that I live anywhere without a

26:19

fishing pole. I was like tea.

26:21

Whoa Fishing

26:23

is a safe space But I'm truly it's it's

26:26

funny when you watch something and you're just like

26:28

I have I cannot relate to this person in

26:30

any way I was like, how does

26:32

Dodie relate to this person? She

26:35

literally had to find someone off-grid because that

26:37

was the only thing left in her dating

26:39

pool He'd never seen Vanna from brawls. He

26:41

doesn't even under he doesn't watch you still

26:43

doesn't really understand Like he

26:45

doesn't understand what's going on when like cameras

26:47

show up to film her He's like look

26:49

around at this place If we bring a

26:52

child in and like this feels like your

26:54

apartment and it doesn't seem like a place

26:56

to raise a kid She was so you

26:58

don't like my decorations He

27:00

was like no, that's not what I'm

27:02

really saying But when we go to Colorado like

27:05

we're gonna go through my stuff and see what we can bring

27:07

back She goes Yeah,

27:10

it was like 99 degrees there last time like we

27:12

couldn't do that like it's like how am I gonna

27:14

fucking live there? I was like bitch you live in

27:16

the valley. It's like 200 degrees. Yeah, it's 10 degrees

27:18

hotter in the valley Yeah,

27:20

Jack's meets Jasmine at a tavern

27:23

this I was like these two

27:25

people have never talked before in their lives

27:27

This is weird. This is bizarre. Jasmine's far

27:29

too cool and normal to be on the

27:32

show I was yeah, I was like get

27:34

the paycheck by all means. Yeah, but like

27:37

But also I was like the only person who can

27:40

keep Jackson line is a lesbian. Mm-hmm. So I kind

27:42

of made sense to me Jack's

27:45

Literally stopped me in my goddamn

27:47

tracks when he said that Britney's

27:50

love language is his mouth between

27:52

her legs Yeah, I got

27:54

horny. He knows how to pleasure Britney. That's

27:56

why she wants date night because she wants

27:58

to get her Brittany It's fully

28:00

a tortured poet society over

28:03

Jax. Jax is basically like,

28:06

you know, I think you should put a little

28:08

more effort into like making her feel loved and

28:10

like attractive and make her feel beautiful. And Jax

28:12

is like, I know she's very insecure about herself.

28:14

I was like, she's

28:18

like, have you ever thought about doing a date night?

28:20

You know, you should maybe try some, yeah, try some

28:22

things like a date. And he goes, oh, yeah, Brittany

28:24

would definitely want state nights. She was

28:27

maybe like, she loves like a compliment.

28:29

You could do that. That's the bottom

28:31

of the barrel. When your girlfriend's having

28:33

to tell your husband. When a strange

28:35

lesbian has come to you that you've

28:37

never known before and asked you to

28:39

have a beer and tells you how

28:41

to make your girlfriend feel good. You

28:44

have really fallen off. The

28:46

relationship is over. The sad thing for me is

28:49

that Jax looked really good in this episode. Oh,

28:52

beyond. When he said that thing about the

28:54

love language, I was like fully I ride

28:56

for my king. I was like, rail me,

28:58

Jax. He also then starts gossiping because that's

29:00

his favorite thing to do. He

29:03

says that Michelle texts other men and that's

29:05

the secret. I would do

29:07

if I were her. Are you kidding?

29:09

I'd be texting other men and women.

29:12

I'd be having

29:14

a secret life. This whole episode

29:16

was so Jax. Every nude scene

29:18

was Jax. The

29:21

scenes that weren't Jax, I was

29:23

like, I know I was like,

29:25

who the fuck cares about these

29:27

creatures? Jax, there's like this amazing

29:29

shot where he's on his son's little swing set

29:31

and there's like this push in camera of like,

29:34

and he's on his phone. And I was like,

29:36

what is this like kind of like con

29:38

error? Sometimes like

29:40

you can tell when film,

29:42

like former film students who have

29:45

now found themselves in production on

29:47

reality TV decide to have like

29:49

their own Scorsese cinematography moment. And

29:51

I love that for them. Jax

29:54

does an Android bit. He

29:56

does like a tight five on Androids. phone

30:00

call Danny. This is like a skit that he

30:02

came up with. I relate to this because my

30:04

mom has an iPhone but anytime she calls me

30:06

there's an echo. Like when

30:08

she's driving. Why is that? From the

30:10

Bluetooth? No, I think they live

30:13

near University of Miami and there's like cell phone towers

30:15

and I think they like fuck up. They

30:17

call the echo? Yeah. So Jack's

30:20

is hosting a party for a

30:22

hair loss company. None other than

30:25

the Mondrian and he's

30:28

finally addressing what

30:31

straight men and gay men should

30:33

all be talking about which is hair

30:35

loss. Mm-hmm He's losing his hair and

30:37

he's partnered up with a company to

30:40

launch a like shampoo kind of

30:43

hair growing product and clear and

30:45

then Danny who is Gonna

30:47

buy this from him some some

30:49

people that's the craziest thing to me

30:52

because I was like I would never

30:54

buy a single thing that this man

30:56

sells like there's no fucking

30:59

way but then I was like

31:01

they must think that many people will see

31:03

this partnership and be like wow I can't wait

31:05

to get my hands on that product like I

31:07

need that in my life. When we cut to

31:10

him at like a boardroom with like eight it

31:12

was like that skit and I think you should

31:14

leave with the old man I was like who

31:16

are these old dudes? Who

31:18

are these old men who are like, you know

31:21

what I need to do is meet with Jack's

31:23

Taylor in the boardroom and Jack's is also like

31:26

Doing more comedy for them. Like it's

31:28

like, you know, they're talking about like

31:30

metrics They're only like very dry and

31:32

then Jack's is like, I'm a man, you know,

31:34

like I want something easy I want like shampoo.

31:36

I want conditioner. I can't do 25 steps Can

31:39

you do 25 steps that just ain't me that

31:41

just ain't me when I wake up in the morning

31:43

It's like no one asked him. No, he

31:45

also like is just on

31:48

this streak where he's just like getting endowed

31:50

with money from old investors and Not

31:54

spending a cent but like plugging it

31:56

like just being like I'm I'm the

31:58

face. I'm the I'm the

32:00

face, I don't care. His thing is I'm the

32:02

face, I don't care, I don't know anything, but

32:04

I'm the face and you should fuck with this.

32:07

And people are like, okay. It's very, it's

32:09

like what Elizabeth Holmes did. Old

32:11

men were just like, sure. Yeah, but she was

32:14

like, I'm the face and I care a lot

32:16

and this is real and you should donate one

32:18

drop of blood to me. And with just one

32:20

drop of your blood, I could change your life.

32:23

And Jax is taking a whole new approach that

32:25

actually is kind of punk to just be like,

32:28

I don't give a fucking ass

32:30

about this restaurant. I don't even know who

32:32

these people are that have this hair thing.

32:34

I'm just doing it. Buy

32:37

it and come here. Then we cut

32:39

to Michelle. This was I'm like, what is the

32:41

scene? I'm sorry. She takes her daughter to a

32:43

play place and she goes down the slide with

32:45

her and she's talking about she doesn't want

32:47

her daughter to see her miserable marriage. I'm

32:50

like, I'm sorry. I don't want to see this.

32:52

I don't give a fuck. Why did I like

32:54

enjoy that her and her daughter together? I

32:56

liked seeing her happy without her husband. Sure.

32:59

But I'm also just like this boring. I

33:01

know. Like they need to have a scene

33:03

of her like meeting up with her secret

33:05

boyfriend. Jason and Jesse

33:07

come over to Danny and

33:10

Nia's to help them set

33:12

up a nursery bed because

33:14

Nia has a brand smart

33:16

sponsorship. I was fuming during

33:18

that. I went cross-eyed. So

33:21

none of the men are handy, which I kind of

33:23

enjoy that they're like open about it. They

33:26

don't know what they're doing. Jesse's like,

33:28

I can give you advice on capri,

33:30

but I can't build a bed. No, I can't

33:33

get my hands dirty. I said, where's Dodie?

33:36

And then Hashtag gives them Dodie. Or Maloney.

33:38

I need Dodie or Maloney to drive a

33:40

car through the wall. Katie's really handy and

33:42

Brittany's handy. Yeah, Dodie. All

33:45

the women are really handy on this on BPR

33:47

universe. But I was

33:49

truly like nodding off.

33:52

Basically all we the big info we got

33:54

is that Jesse to save his marriage is going

33:57

to do Iowa. The

34:00

absolute thing a man who

34:02

has no interest in saving

34:04

his marriage would do. And

34:06

just the and. Jason

34:08

A. Day. From are

34:10

like. Why? He was going to therapy.

34:13

Is. A major player base I was

34:15

told me I need to do psilocybin

34:18

and I'll oscar because I really wanna

34:20

like separate from my ego by seeing

34:22

it and late honoring air and like

34:24

seen it is it's own and to

34:27

the I've is like so do this

34:29

one and. That. As I don't

34:31

I want to see, I want to

34:33

see the bought them j Our Cj

34:35

just hugs that Jesse do I owe

34:38

Oscars! I would love to see all

34:40

the the entire cast. even Janet the

34:42

pregnant lady do a alaska or lot

34:44

of ago during. The. Will

34:46

got to Epa. I haven't I might. Are

34:49

you don't use to muddle effect

34:51

but Mandela effect. I. Was like

34:54

is Gena not pregnant anymore but you

34:56

have a baby? Know she's pregnant. There

34:58

was a moment in that rope. I

35:00

looked around like I'd searches totter baby

35:02

somehow secretly and around we get to

35:04

it. Yeah, Jackson prettier driving her golf

35:06

carts with the Valley. I didn't

35:09

know that are was like legal. the

35:11

does drive a golf cart around. I

35:13

wrote this is insane and I robert

35:15

you look so uncomfortable she's going like.

35:17

Doctor. Got. Driving

35:20

over the freeway overpass as like

35:22

it's others is so hot outside.

35:24

And. I'm their marriage is there in

35:26

a really bad place. The way that they

35:29

speak to each other in approach, like any

35:31

sort of conversation and their body language. I

35:33

was like this is torched you gotta get

35:35

outta there but this golf cart and was

35:38

really like yeah want to know it's the

35:40

have a permanent like if is allowed this.

35:43

Like. Whether it's a i guess it's the same

35:45

thing is like those three wheeled cars. Let's.

35:48

Let's google at Mama because I'm. I'm

35:50

like, okay, it's kind of fun, but it's also

35:52

a quiet. Golf. Carts

35:54

are street legal in California, but only

35:57

when they're properly equipped. A

35:59

street. Go version of a golf cart is

36:01

a motor vehicle that's based on the traditional

36:03

body design made to carry golf equipment that

36:06

has been modified to me California as. Requirements.

36:09

Are street driving? or should I

36:11

get a golf cart? Yeah, maybe

36:13

I don't go that far distances

36:16

schooling. Whole. Foods Maybe a golf

36:18

cart would really like mix things up

36:20

because our was is full of a

36:22

golf cart. Alec old

36:24

cars jalopy. Wrote.

36:28

This seems like. A.

36:30

Flow I'm into at weaker.

36:33

I'm into like golf cart. live like

36:35

that feels very resort to me get

36:37

very than a way that makes things

36:39

like fun again. three like Hilton Head

36:41

isn't. It's. Catalina.

36:44

Charging. They go to devalue your check out

36:47

Jackson's bar. Over the surface,

36:49

everything but the fuck. I

36:51

hate this place to have

36:53

a roof. Probably not. I.

36:55

Don't like a that I won't be

36:58

going there. imagine like you're and you're

37:00

there during winter when like the Santa

37:02

Ana of this is Floyd slapping I'm

37:04

that liga make ready for like an

37:06

elephant to walk through their job he

37:08

will keep trying to learn me to

37:10

Jackson studio city and I need to

37:12

really take as strong job dance and

37:15

like now set a boundary and my

37:17

boundaries I'm not fucking go in and

37:19

job I've been learn to you cannot

37:21

make me go there and I won't

37:23

go period co Two hours a week

37:25

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41:44

Britney kind of is inspecting because she's got

41:46

she's got her stake in the business too.

41:48

I just want to be consulted. I just want to

41:50

see everything look. I just want to be I want

41:52

to be part of it. I want to be involved.

41:54

And then she and Jack sit and they are so

41:56

Jack's is literally having like a pant. He's he

41:59

actually says I'm on the verge. of tears because I'm

42:01

so like overwhelmed by you and our

42:03

marriage and having a kid in this business.

42:06

I think he hates Britney. I

42:08

think he exhibits like true

42:10

disgust and hatred towards her.

42:13

She goes, well, we're still trying to have

42:15

a baby next month, right? And he goes,

42:17

yeah, of course I want to

42:19

have another kid. I'm just like very warm. She goes, well,

42:21

we could have a date night. Well

42:24

we could start by just being together, having

42:26

fun with each other, having date night. Maybe,

42:30

maybe we could, you know, have a date night.

42:33

And he starts crying. When she says

42:35

date night, he literally teared up and he was

42:37

like, I'm going to break down. She

42:40

goes, oh, she goes, why are you upset? And he goes,

42:42

because I'm so overwhelmed. This is a man

42:44

who, A, wants

42:46

nothing to do with this woman who has

42:49

no regard for her, who's actively

42:51

like not turned on

42:53

by her and is realizing

42:55

like I'm married to this person.

42:57

A child with this person that

43:00

I'm responsible for. He

43:02

doesn't, in this moment, I feel like he wants to

43:04

leave it all behind. To change your

43:06

identity. He's like only

43:08

in it for Jackson's Studio City.

43:11

He cares about three things. Jackson's

43:13

Studio City, his golf cart and

43:15

cruise, and that's now tethering

43:17

him to this reality. She goes, what's

43:19

making you cry the thought of date

43:21

night? We could just spend

43:24

time together, compliment each other, have a little

43:26

sex and maybe date night. She

43:30

goes, I want to have sexy time. I want

43:32

you to make me feel good. I was like,

43:35

I can't like your approach on this is all

43:37

wrong. You can't like demand

43:39

for someone to do that. Sex

43:42

and date night are two different things. Date

43:45

night is when you go out on the town.

43:48

Breton wants to go out on the town and take shots and

43:50

get gird. She does. She

43:52

wants to take shots like the good old times.

43:54

And then she wants to like take shots, black

43:56

out, come to brown out,

43:58

come to. and then get fucked

44:01

in the ass and then gird and

44:03

then wake up the next day and be like like

44:06

kind of vomiting

44:09

and burping all day remember

44:11

man and and have her

44:13

man also be hung over but then be like can

44:15

i sniff your feet and then sniff her feet and

44:17

jerk off onto them those

44:20

are like the good old days of their old

44:22

west hollywood apartment date night when we went didn't

44:24

have kids we didn't have dike night all the

44:26

time and i

44:28

think jack's is like sexually haunted

44:30

for all the time let's

44:33

have dike night all the time

44:35

date night i think jack's

44:38

is someone who's like he's haunted by

44:40

britney sexually haunted by her why because

44:42

everyone's like britney used to be a

44:44

freak and i'm like i think i

44:47

know what they mean is just like

44:49

they had some really raunchy sex i

44:52

think they they had like he feels ashamed of

44:54

himself so and i

44:56

think they had unspeakable sex

44:59

unspeakable horrific sex and i

45:01

think that he cannot

45:03

imagine going back

45:05

to that kind of sexual places a mother

45:07

now and he's like it's madonna whore but

45:10

it's also just like he

45:12

knows that like that will lead to

45:14

like horrors beyond his comprehension and he

45:17

can't do it but the thing is i

45:20

think once you're for women

45:22

like once your world has opened up

45:24

like that sexually you're like i want

45:26

to do this with this person all

45:28

the time date night i need dike

45:30

night every night if not every night

45:32

at least two hours a week okay

45:34

it's very it's giving paten in season

45:37

one of rocket book being like i

45:40

just need my one-on-one time i

45:43

need more time with brit i need my

45:45

one-on-one time giving rodeo too it's giving rodeo

45:47

like i think once you get horned the

45:49

fuck up as a woman your

45:52

body craves date night but

45:54

men sometimes men become

45:56

afraid become afraid Get

46:00

older, millions get more scared, and get scared

46:02

of date. I do think that's true. I

46:04

think that's kind of true or not. No.

46:07

No love for melee Madhya Pradesh and

46:10

having to prayed that big. The is

46:12

never get scared as like jiving managers.

46:14

Eggs are different for the bad men

46:16

get insecure about getting all may feel

46:18

like they're they get. Sad. About

46:20

a minnow: Felix: sexy and like the

46:22

or i'll anymore I know and I

46:24

select gay men. kind of keep it

46:26

hot with each other and they stay

46:29

hot for each other. but it's hard.

46:31

But like straight couples it's someone's like

46:33

dame and to die at a little

46:35

differently same manner of and I. Know,

46:38

I know I feel that the gays okay,

46:40

but they do. We haven't died, not a

46:42

lot. Either

46:45

was read more like bam It's otherwise, I

46:47

live the rest of the dollars. You know

46:49

other guys are fucking disgusting. As us with

46:52

that will say is that they have They

46:54

not. Are at. Odds

46:59

with their mom serious case of they.

47:03

So peace. The

47:05

I think good street dirty ones

47:08

like Pr dogs know soon the

47:10

new exists in her mouth is

47:12

t such a thick skin? Do

47:14

it! Eats a

47:16

man up and go a day not

47:18

I know they.c need security of enslave

47:21

him. Or

47:23

now I think they're over Foley Yeah, I

47:25

think she's. Leaving. Of of. Jackson's

47:29

Madrid about another Taksim. This.

47:31

North as an armed Iran is

47:33

truly ground zero Sinister. Logan is

47:35

there to know ya of we

47:37

the creepy around Sources like this

47:39

is this is fun since this

47:41

is a good time sake Everyone's

47:43

like guy remember when Christened brings

47:46

Lukens your this is where we

47:48

cigarettes with said he's making a

47:50

mental note of where the exits

47:52

are so he can block them.

47:54

We are those weird about it.

47:56

Looks again it wasn't pregnant more.

47:58

assured does he have her baby like off screen and

48:00

we just they just like to him as gone by I

48:03

had this moment where I was like wait

48:05

she looks different I don't know I wasn't

48:08

paying that much of attention she looks great

48:10

either way but like I'm just like whoa

48:12

I wasn't paying that much of attention to

48:14

a woman's body Kerry okay no idea I

48:17

don't know she maybe maybe this is filmed

48:19

before she's out on date night Michelle

48:22

comes over everyone's in time

48:24

date night with me Jesse starts

48:26

talking up this girl named Gabby

48:28

who's a pop-up vendor for like

48:30

a Burning Man clothing line first

48:32

and foremost Jack's gives a big

48:34

speech with the CEO of this

48:36

like money laundering I

48:38

know I was like this is corporate this

48:41

is bizarre this like bald

48:44

guys like watching as Jack's gives

48:46

a big moving speech which he

48:48

does have a hair thinning I

48:51

know it's not it's not quarter

48:53

size it's a patch she started

48:55

pointed out yeah but he's like

48:57

kind of downplaying it and then everyone else

48:59

like weighs in and to

49:02

be like Jack's has great hair

49:04

so wait we don't get why he's

49:06

doing I went the lie I know they're

49:08

all supporting each other's like sick twisted go

49:10

on Propecia Jack I know

49:12

and stopping stop it doesn't make you like

49:15

less of a man if you're on Propecia

49:17

makes you more of a man Jack said

49:19

that he

49:21

had a photo shoot with Brittany and

49:24

then he was looking through the digital's

49:26

and noticed a tiny little bald spot

49:28

maybe the size of a quarter and

49:30

he went into the garage and started

49:32

spraying his head with spray paint that's

49:34

probably it worse that's gonna

49:36

make you lose more hair yeah that's

49:38

also gonna like give you cancer your lead

49:40

poisoning someone's like is that true when he's

49:43

like yeah it's true yeah

49:45

he went out to the garage report I said don't

49:48

you go over there and it did he see a

49:50

bald spot or did Brittany say you know

49:52

we're all dolled up from this photo shoot you know

49:54

be really fun to do like that and

49:57

then he went and tried to like self immolate

50:00

Un. The Gods of turn the Koran, And.

50:02

Then he actually look in the mirror. I'm like. And

50:05

ernie and then he was like or dislike

50:07

pass and they started the as soon as

50:09

he opened org a baby your everyday. New

50:12

God is I'm entirely. Ready for died not

50:14

and secondly with as he went. So

50:18

this go gabi is like. Kind.

50:20

Of trying to seduce older men into buying

50:22

her legs her lips. It has as. I

50:25

was awfully. Is the Mondrian to say.

50:28

The market put the sound is

50:30

the way are in full like

50:32

it's full European Bizarre. It's literally

50:34

the Turkish bizarre out the matter

50:36

air at Andrea people are like

50:39

it's medieval would cease to be

50:41

blurred. Hillary like Alexander where where

50:43

is their? Best of all, I'd

50:45

happily accepted Dodi, the others and

50:47

litter I'd for are hidden forging

50:50

Stan we ever closer. But. Because.

50:52

Dodi was like supporting Carter isn't how

50:54

did she make money? I don't know.

50:57

She did make money issues paying for

50:59

as a beamer. Iowa Google

51:01

the like a home Susan com like a

51:03

ghoul. The votes hurt. She came from money.

51:06

Know. The answer to that

51:08

as a resounding new Guns and Methane

51:10

is a bag. I mean it isn't

51:12

a larger came through. money came from

51:14

already. I think I think I remember

51:16

hearing not. Maybe I'm being move information

51:18

right now, but I'm pretty sure it's.

51:21

So. He was being Usc like

51:23

a total moods I think Dodi

51:25

probably at one point was making

51:27

the coin because she'd been on

51:29

a show for like the decade.

51:32

yeah and her rate like Percy's

51:34

Nc signing he like a few

51:36

hundred dollars a year and. That

51:39

say that we under their own are

51:41

so I know I'm ready. I talking

51:43

to people see probably. I don't

51:46

know what her savings were likes. Obviously

51:48

she was able to like put a

51:50

down payment on a house that Reynaldo

51:52

see a logo date night and. Sorry.

51:55

No. i think most it's or as you

51:57

think they know there's no i'll have i'll

51:59

update But

52:01

I think that, I don't know, I'm

52:04

haunted by the state of her finances.

52:06

Me too. And the void that she

52:08

is no doubt witness as a result

52:10

of her own life choices scares the

52:12

living, it scares me. It makes me

52:14

want to be a Christian. It makes me

52:16

want to pray. Yeah. Because

52:18

it scares me so much. I can't

52:21

believe in a God that would let this happen. It

52:24

makes me realize that life is

52:27

full of impermanence. So Jesse

52:29

starts really flirting with this girl and he's like,

52:31

she's like, are you gonna come to Burning Man

52:33

or come to my flea market tomorrow where I'm

52:36

selling more of this? And he's

52:38

like, where is that at? Like they're vibing. He's

52:40

like, sometimes I get a little charming. Sometimes I

52:42

charm people a little too much with my charm.

52:44

And I was like, no, you're flirting. He's like,

52:47

you wouldn't think it was my, what my wife

52:49

says, but I do, I

52:52

am capable of being charming once in a while.

52:54

This is a man who to me is flailing.

52:57

And I think that Gabi's another FBI

52:59

agent. She is. She's full.

53:02

She's issued from, she flew in

53:04

from the Pentagon that morning and

53:06

set up shop in

53:09

the town bazaar. I did not

53:11

know that one guy bar

53:13

only walked down sunset and take

53:15

a left in the Mondrian to

53:18

end in the bazaar where people

53:21

trade, which trade is flourish. It's

53:24

a fucking spice market there. What

53:27

the fuck? This

53:30

is the future of the

53:32

trade. People

53:35

are like selling like satchels. You

53:37

can get like a tarot reading in

53:39

the town bazaar. It's a fortune teller.

53:43

Literally you can get like get a turkey leg in

53:46

the fucking Mondrian by the pool.

53:50

This is the state by the way

53:52

of hotels in Los Angeles. This is

53:54

the state of our country. This is

53:56

the state of our country. Specifically hotels

53:58

in Los Angeles. like

54:00

this is so bad this

54:02

is so bad they're run

54:04

the fuck down but they're

54:07

also operating like a flourishing

54:09

medieval bazaar in the middle

54:11

of the courtyard it's red

54:13

fair of this is

54:17

like a fucking there's like chickens

54:19

everywhere they're like people are like

54:21

renting out booths to like like

54:24

display at the Mondrian convention sleep

54:26

in and so the full-blown like

54:28

convention that took place of like

54:31

small businesses this is

54:33

like an Etsy convention the feast

54:36

doesn't know about Jack's

54:38

got a piece of the you enter the bizarre and you

54:40

hear like like

54:47

pop it night

54:50

fighting each other what

54:54

say you like he

54:56

stole a loaf of bread off

54:58

kill him kill him so they all go

55:00

into this weird like conference room where they

55:02

set up like a dinner for everyone and

55:04

it's like in the hotel it's freaky it's

55:06

so bizarre it's in the bowels of the

55:08

hotel the Mondrian is right now

55:10

what I'm learning just from watching banner

55:12

bump rules in the valley the Mondrian

55:15

is on the precipice of

55:17

financial collapse they are so

55:19

hard up for

55:22

any shred of cash they can

55:24

get they are allowing FBI agents

55:27

to come set up booths in

55:29

the bazaar and like hosting dinners

55:32

where it was like who's catering this

55:34

dinner it looks like they ordered out

55:36

and then they set salmon in bowls

55:39

everything starts immediately getting weird Jesse

55:42

has rage issues he's

55:45

pounding on the brim because his wife

55:47

is leaving him and he does has

55:49

no power in this relationship emasculated and

55:51

he's emasculated by police so we love

55:53

to see it love to see it

55:55

and the only like hope

55:58

of any shred of power you have The flirting

56:00

with a Cia operative but Michelle even

56:02

put his squash that to immediately sugar.

56:05

What are you talking about Your where's

56:07

my husband was? He was relieving. Of

56:10

like how ya deprive him of everything

56:13

and do that year. I really hope

56:15

that See is just like running the

56:17

show in this way behind the scenes,

56:20

So. He's really sad and pouting

56:22

because missiles I'm leaving your ass and I'm

56:24

getting a divorce. But what she does is

56:26

really fascinating. She goes, why is my husband

56:28

so upset? I don't know I I was

56:31

empowered by that says I would like Katie

56:33

Maloney better be sitting and taking notes. Islamic,

56:35

what's wrong with you have been front of

56:37

everyone and and jocks comes ovaries or your

56:40

buddies who has I don't know what's wrong

56:42

with him he says really upset. I was

56:44

like. Wow.

56:47

Sees powerful or that.

56:51

Ladies. If. You want upper

56:53

hand? do it myself of duty to follow

56:55

Michelle's every move and increasing goes to do

56:57

this year's just he starts getting like has

56:59

see it every one or two years out

57:01

of Zoe to Sir Chris in the back

57:03

on go how router you at Jackson dinner.

57:07

And then he went. There is also Move

57:09

where they have everyone say how amazing Jackson's

57:11

their his word against the dodian see in

57:13

her confessional she's sitting next to Luke and

57:15

she is just as a great head of

57:18

hair. And I'm is a. Slowdown.

57:20

Warm dog like come on and then.

57:24

Immediately. Ever years dirty his voice.

57:26

Jesse goes. Slams.

57:28

The Table and she is.

57:30

That's also medieval eyelids. They

57:32

are fully lords, lords, and

57:34

ladies. He goes. To.

57:39

Wow wow Wow. Really. And

57:41

us sorry twelve really well

57:43

and a subversive. Is. Charles

57:45

around gets really mad just he wants to

57:47

go to Burning Man. And. Then

57:49

involves everyone. And. Then. I.

57:52

Will play it. Just. Seems so there's

57:54

a moment before the dinner where

57:56

Jackson Jesse were like they take

57:58

the burning man. FBI agents

58:01

clothes and they wear them

58:03

all and like Jesse dances

58:05

with mama who makes an

58:07

appearance Oh forgot mama comes

58:09

girl mama descends mama comes

58:11

to the she's the queen

58:13

of the bazaar and she

58:16

does the music is like

58:22

Like a snake charmer yeah and

58:24

performs for shillings in the middle

58:26

of the bazaar and Jesse Joyce

58:31

Oh Look

58:33

everyone. I'm a master. It's my a

58:35

macha's hair. Give it up for mama

58:38

And it was like and there's

58:40

this woman like Jesse and mama dance

58:42

and Michelle goes she can have him

58:44

Please she can have him and then

58:47

they finish their dance and they break

58:49

apart And there was just

58:51

this woman standing behind them that I

58:53

noticed who's like with a man Who's

58:56

pointing some things out to her

58:58

but her eyes are wide with

59:00

terror like she literally is like this Yeah

59:03

Man is like pointing things out and I

59:06

feel like it was like he was explaining

59:08

like the lore of Banner from rules in

59:10

the valley to her and link who these

59:12

people are and what these cameras are for

59:14

and her face was truly like I she

59:17

was Having a reaction

59:19

of just pure horror What if you looked up

59:21

at they look over there's hell someone like getting

59:23

stabbed in one of the hotel rooms they

59:26

look up and they see Sherry like fucking

59:30

in the corner of the In

59:34

the ceiling or neon lips glowing Basically

59:37

Kristen and Luke are just like everyone hates

59:39

them so much and Luke has

59:42

no He doesn't really

59:44

understand so he immediately goes to a place

59:47

of defending Kristen which like he should but

59:49

like he is Digging

59:51

himself into this. I'm like Luke Kristen

59:53

goes God Jesse

59:55

is such a douchebag like I have to go

59:57

a douchebag and I never

1:00:00

Say that to people Luke cuz you literally

1:00:02

called me a douchebag like yesterday and she

1:00:04

goes are you really doing this right now? Are

1:00:07

you really gonna do this right now? She

1:00:09

goes I'm the only sober person here So

1:00:11

I'm gonna leave and I was like you

1:00:13

may be sober, but you're deeply mentally ill.

1:00:16

I Think

1:00:18

she's at a point where it's like no matter how

1:00:20

sober she gets she's gonna she's a little drunk She's

1:00:22

like she's a little twisted. Yeah, and so she's like

1:00:24

I I I have

1:00:26

to go like I can't I cannot bear

1:00:29

witness to like abusive behavior. This is abusive

1:00:31

witness return Jazzing is what

1:00:33

is going on with you and Kristin

1:00:35

goes I'm so sorry But

1:00:38

I'm going to excuse myself now

1:00:41

And I'm gonna go and she gets

1:00:43

up to leave and then you just

1:00:45

hear her and a producer talking. She's

1:00:47

still mic'd up Yeah, she's rambling on

1:00:49

about the protection that she's offered to

1:00:52

Michelle and how she's kept She'll

1:00:55

fight tooth and nails will do anything

1:00:57

to protect her Michelle and Jesse

1:00:59

follow them out and Michelle like

1:01:02

Keep saying like what the fuck are you talking

1:01:05

about with like protecting me? Why do you keep

1:01:07

saying that? She also keeps saying everyone that comes

1:01:09

dear Jesse that night Even if

1:01:11

she keeps going don't touch my husband

1:01:13

don't touch my husband She'd think don't

1:01:15

touch my husband Jesse follows Kristin out

1:01:17

and he's like if you come for

1:01:19

my marriage Fucking bury you

1:01:22

and I was like Does

1:01:24

that mean yeah since like come for it

1:01:26

what I've done nothing but protect her all

1:01:28

I do is protect her All I want

1:01:31

is her protection. I want to protect her

1:01:33

against the secrets. I'm gonna protect her and

1:01:35

it's like you're literally Threat

1:01:37

you I'm obsessed with her psychology I

1:01:40

know because this is just her threatening

1:01:42

people thinking that she's like a justice

1:01:44

warrior She goes Michelle goes do you

1:01:46

know what you've done to my marriage

1:01:48

my family Kristin? I was like, but

1:01:51

as she does what she can't do

1:01:53

that much Yeah, and mean and I

1:01:55

think I'm getting canceled made her like

1:01:57

literally lose her mind more than a

1:02:01

I think so too. I think that was the

1:02:03

final straw. Yeah Sorry

1:02:07

We did Michelle her

1:02:09

tit is falling out of her dress

1:02:11

and she our did you see that?

1:02:13

Yeah, her nip is just like out

1:02:16

Yeah, she's a full-blown conversation with Kristen

1:02:18

with her nipple out Which is another

1:02:20

kind of power move to disarm like

1:02:23

kind of a butt like a BPD

1:02:26

Bye girl is like just take a

1:02:29

nipple out a little bit and the

1:02:31

study by I mean she's everything. Yeah

1:02:35

and Everyone's

1:02:37

fighting everyone's fighting it becomes like a full-on

1:02:39

like hallway rumble, which I was like, okay

1:02:41

This is the shit I want to say.

1:02:44

Yeah, this is the brawl that I signed

1:02:46

up for Jesse comes hurtling through the crowd

1:02:49

pushes that he pushes gay Zach who like

1:02:51

steps in just to like keep him back

1:02:53

and he Shoves gay that you

1:02:55

see exactly like this Like

1:03:02

I wish gay Zach had been

1:03:04

like yeah Down

1:03:08

the hallway down the stairs.

1:03:10

Mm-hmm. And then He

1:03:13

like gets in Luke's grill and then Luke is

1:03:15

about to like Beat

1:03:18

his ass which I think he was yeah I

1:03:21

think Luke would take like a hunting

1:03:23

knife out of his like a legs.

1:03:25

Yeah and like slit Jesse's throat Oh,

1:03:27

you know how long it takes to

1:03:29

play to bleed someone dry Luke is

1:03:31

the fucking deer hunter is totally

1:03:36

He's like he's deer hunter by Creek

1:03:39

and the Kristin keeps Christmas in the

1:03:41

background going I know your sacred. I

1:03:44

know your sacred Thank you

1:03:46

for the secrets if she keeps and then Michelle keeps

1:03:48

going don't touch my husband Jesse

1:03:50

tries to brawl and then like everyone

1:03:53

gets like Startled and Kristin

1:03:55

goes are you okay? Are

1:03:57

you okay? And are you okay? Okay? We're

1:04:00

all okay. Thank God It

1:04:02

was like what you started this. Yeah, you

1:04:04

started this with your threat and then

1:04:06

she and Luke she takes look into man's sleeve

1:04:08

So they like suck they like Power

1:04:11

walk down the hallway into the elevator bang and

1:04:13

looks like I don't give a fuck I'll say

1:04:15

I'll say everything there is to say and she

1:04:17

was no we can't we must protect them We

1:04:19

can never say their secrets It's the right thing

1:04:21

to do to just be there for her and

1:04:23

protect her because she is my friend and I

1:04:25

will never tell And then literally

1:04:27

that's when you know from the

1:04:30

secret coming any secret even the

1:04:33

Mention of a secret comes out of

1:04:35

Dodie's lips, you know It's then the

1:04:37

clock is ticking to when she will

1:04:39

reveal the grid of what she speaks

1:04:41

she goes and the secret is The

1:04:46

thing we cannot do is tell the secret that she's

1:04:48

been having a boyfriend for a whole year She

1:04:51

was there. We said it we said it

1:04:53

and there we go. We said it And

1:04:56

then Michelle's like everyone please gather

1:04:58

in the conference room I have something to

1:05:00

say and I would like to address the

1:05:03

group as a whole everyone Please gather and

1:05:05

sit and she's gonna literally give like a

1:05:07

PowerPoint presentation that was giving Meredith going security

1:05:09

security, please I'm the hostess of this party

1:05:11

and this woman needs to be removed Michelle

1:05:13

went join me in the ballroom again in

1:05:15

the conference room a I Was

1:05:19

there suddenly at a convention they are and I'm

1:05:21

like she's about to give like a board Presentation

1:05:24

for like the final boardroom

1:05:26

vote. She also is gonna

1:05:28

tell them like probably like I had an

1:05:30

affair I hope that

1:05:32

she fires up a PowerPoint and then

1:05:34

goes through like a slideshow of their

1:05:36

marriage and how like pie charts of

1:05:38

how He failed her and like times

1:05:40

that she she's like here's a pie

1:05:42

chart representing times that I felt alone

1:05:44

and supported in the past Five

1:05:47

years and it's like very small ever she

1:05:49

is as you can see I was supported

1:05:52

2.5% of the time and the other 97.5%

1:05:56

of the time I was not supported next Please

1:06:00

and then she goes so here are my

1:06:03

options and it's like have an affair kill

1:06:05

him Kill myself and

1:06:07

our take the girl and run even change

1:06:09

my identity and she goes I chose option

1:06:12

a have an affair and Like

1:06:14

says it all out and there's one there's

1:06:16

a brief respite called the Capri years Yeah,

1:06:19

where it was like kind of good. This

1:06:21

is sponsored by Capri tourism

1:06:23

Eric I Let's

1:06:26

all your capri. I'll let alia has sponsored.

1:06:28

Yeah, they need it It's not that great

1:06:30

of an airline and she's no but they

1:06:33

have a capri rumor. They're three if you

1:06:35

use the code Affair

1:06:37

Michelle Michelle's affair. You'll get

1:06:39

five percent off of your

1:06:42

next alitalia and Brittany goes Oh

1:06:44

man, we can use that for a date. No

1:06:46

Jack. That should go there for about a date

1:06:48

night. That's a tight wake Brittany

1:06:50

is I have a question and she goes

1:06:52

yes you Brittany. What's your question? She

1:06:55

is I Imagine

1:06:57

the Capri has good date night. Is that

1:06:59

true? Yes, there's lots

1:07:01

of cliffside restaurants beach side bar. I

1:07:03

can give you a list that

1:07:06

I've made with the tourism board of Places

1:07:09

that Jesse and I had incredible date nights

1:07:11

and coppery. She was all good Thank you

1:07:13

so much Michelle carry on and

1:07:16

she goes so as my affair

1:07:18

progressed Here's a line graph showing

1:07:20

my my affair getting more steamy

1:07:22

and my interest in Jesse as

1:07:24

you'll see It's trending downward 20%

1:07:27

year over year until now.

1:07:29

It's actually gone lower than

1:07:31

zero Which means I'm at

1:07:34

a crucial point of

1:07:37

deciding again Options

1:07:40

do I continue the affair do I

1:07:42

divorce him or do I murder him? I

1:07:45

don't want to do that. So I am here

1:07:47

to tell you all that I shall be choosing

1:07:50

option A and B a hybrid option as my

1:07:52

therapist and I like to call it and I

1:07:55

have let him know as of Two

1:07:57

hours ago that I will be divorcing him in

1:08:00

two months. Everyone goes, there's

1:08:02

a silence, and everyone goes,

1:08:05

and then it sounds again, and then all

1:08:07

of a sudden Brittany goes, I'll

1:08:09

oriba, well all right. Well okay

1:08:11

then. Let's have dinner. Can we have dessert?

1:08:15

And the audience applauds, and it goes, do do

1:08:17

do do do do. So now

1:08:19

I would like all of the board of trustees,

1:08:24

the board of the board members,

1:08:26

the Valley Trust to vote

1:08:28

on whether or not we

1:08:31

let Jesse live or we stone him to death.

1:08:33

She goes, please, you will write on your piece

1:08:35

of paper, and we'll collect them. And

1:08:38

then afterwards she goes, seven yeas,

1:08:40

two nays. Jesse, I'm

1:08:42

sorry, you will be stoned in the

1:08:44

Mondrian Bazaar Square. And

1:08:46

he goes, no! And you know who throws the

1:08:48

first stone? McBurney man, mama

1:08:51

for sure. And then Gabby. Gabby

1:08:54

goes, and then she and Michelle start making out,

1:08:56

and she goes, I was always here for her. And

1:09:00

that was her affair the entire time. Was never

1:09:02

a man, it was always Gabby. And they ride

1:09:04

off into the sun. Keeping

1:09:06

eyes on Michelle. I love this. It

1:09:09

was always me. It was always me. You

1:09:12

were never the one. She's just

1:09:14

topless. Yeah, and then she throws a brick

1:09:16

at his temple. Mama skullcrushes

1:09:19

him, she curbsomps him.

1:09:21

And Sherry's in the corner going. And

1:09:25

Brittany goes, God, Cass, is this romantic? This is a

1:09:27

real date night if I ever have one. You wanna

1:09:29

fuck after this? No.

1:09:34

I want your cum. Speaking

1:09:38

of date night, you can make a

1:09:41

date night out of seeing Lauren I. on tour coming

1:09:44

up very soon. We have our Seattle shows now

1:09:46

sold out. So we have three shows sold out.

1:09:49

Seattle's gone, gone, gone. New York. There,

1:09:51

and then like a feather in the

1:09:53

wind blew away. First, so

1:09:57

show one of New York and Chicago are sold

1:09:59

out. of New Yorkers Chicago are

1:10:01

selling really fast so those will have a

1:10:03

low ticket warning I'm sure at some point

1:10:05

very soon yeah Seattle's fully sold out Toronto

1:10:08

is low ticket warning. Toronto's

1:10:10

going Vancouver we still have

1:10:12

tickets available. Philly guys my

1:10:14

home like I need

1:10:16

you guys to come out. Philly

1:10:18

is weirdly dragging their feet but I feel like

1:10:20

they're just being like silly Philly about it yeah

1:10:22

I hope so. That's how it always sells out

1:10:24

so I'm not worried about it. You'll

1:10:27

have some spleenin to do for your town. Yeah.

1:10:31

What else? Late night shows in Chicago

1:10:34

and New York. 10

1:10:36

p.m. 10 30 p.m. DC.

1:10:38

Go to sexyuniquepodcast.com and you'll get

1:10:41

the rundown and links to my

1:10:43

tickets and without

1:10:45

further ado. The date night cult shout

1:10:47

out. The date night crew Alex Delisle.

1:10:49

Alex Delisle. Pia from Australia. Pia from

1:10:51

Australia. Mac of Frist. Mac of Frist.

1:10:53

DJ Brube. DJ Brube. Brube. Rachel Dublin.

1:10:55

Rachel Dublin. Sophie Elizabeth. Sophie Elizabeth. Emily

1:10:58

Bond. Emily. Gina. Gina. Safrianda. Sup. Sarah

1:11:00

Elizabeth. Sarah. Lucy from London. Brooke Joanne.

1:11:02

Brooke Joanne. Rachel Nye. Rachel

1:11:04

Nye. Brittany Rylwach. Brittany Rylwach. Danielle McMillan

1:11:06

from Monter. Danielle McMillan. Brittany

1:11:08

Wachach. Brr-brr-brr. Lace Swamplidge. Gibson.

1:11:10

Gibson Fox. Jessica Hernandez. Jessica

1:11:13

Hernandez. Maelstah. Maelstah. Maelstah. Mary. Mary. My dear

1:11:15

heart. My dear heart. She's your mom realtor.

1:11:17

Timothy Shield. Kimberly Xiaoming. Summer Rune used to

1:11:19

anger. Kathy

1:11:25

Weber. More.

1:11:27

Hillary from New York. Orlanda.

1:11:29

Orlanda. Hey, Drew, the fuck. David from

1:11:31

Switzerland. David from Switzerland. Nick Sedaris. Sedaris.

1:11:34

Emily. Emily. Kim Lucas. Kim Lucas. Jamie

1:11:36

Hogan. RJ. Jeff from private. Private partner.

1:11:38

Date night. Date night. Sex

1:11:42

The Unique podcast is created and

1:11:44

hosted by me, Laura

1:11:46

Marie Shane-Halls. This episode

1:11:49

was co-hosted by the one and only,

1:11:51

Carrie O'Donnell. This episode

1:11:53

was edited by Ness Smith Sabadoff.

1:11:56

If you like what you heard today, please be sure to

1:11:58

subscribe to Sexy Neat. podcast on

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1:12:08

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1:12:10

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1:12:12

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1:12:21

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