0:00

I'm Amy, sex

0:02

educator, sex and relationship coach and

0:04

co-owner of purepleasureshop.com. And

0:07

I'm April, sex toy maven, VP

0:09

of Hot Octopus, and I've dedicated my

0:11

life to the business of sex. We're

0:13

two people with a passion for educating

0:15

and inspiring shame-free conversations

0:17

about sex and relationships. Welcome

0:20

to the Shameless Sex Revolution. Want

0:25

to learn more? Go to shamelesssex.com

0:27

and for 15% off of some of our favorite

0:29

sex toys, use coupon code

0:32

shamelesssex at purepleasureshop.com.

0:35

You are listening to a pleasure podcast. For

0:38

more from our sex podcast collective,

0:40

visit pleasurepodcasts.com.

0:43

Well hello everyone. Hi everybody.

0:46

Here I am with my sexy phone

0:49

sex operator, raspy voice. I

0:51

know, it's very raspy. Yeah. It used to

0:53

happen to us simultaneously when we were

0:55

at trade shows, we'd both have the trade show voice. I

0:58

feel like you've been getting it more often now. I

1:00

feel like I haven't had it in a long time actually. Like I

1:02

haven't even had it at a trade show in a while. I think

1:04

you did a permanent damage thing though once to your voice

1:07

and it hasn't been the same ever since. Remember? You

1:09

were like, I scream so much I think I permanently damaged my voice. Oh yeah,

1:11

I don't know. This is just more

1:13

scratchy and severe. But I did go like,

1:16

you know, dance all weekend and when

1:18

there's loud music and you're trying to talk

1:20

to people, you're raising your voice. Oh,

1:22

I always talk close and I whisper. That's

1:25

the best way to do it because you're like, you get close,

1:27

not too close. But I also can't hear that well out of one ear.

1:29

So that's why I get close. You're like,

1:32

hey, that's a secret from bartending and loud

1:34

clubs for a long time because

1:37

I was like, what? And then I would just kind of

1:39

get close and whisper in their

1:41

ear, but not whisper, but a low tone. Whisper

1:44

sweet nothings. Yeah. And then everything

1:46

sounds kind of sexy when you do it. People

1:49

are screaming in my ear like hearts because I,

1:51

you can't, you're hard of hearing one ear. I've

1:53

been hard of hearing one ear since I was 11. So it's always

1:56

interesting on my right ear when I'm

1:59

always telling.

1:59

Speaking to my good ear. Yeah, I'm left

2:02

and you're right. Yeah. Oh, cute.

2:04

Yeah. We're a good match, everyone. So cute. So

2:07

this episode was someone that's eating

2:09

cuter than Chip and Dip over here.

2:11

She's our inspiration. She's one

2:13

of our primary, our main inspirations, or I'd say

2:16

a mentor, or someone that really inspired

2:18

us. It's

2:21

a short, short, short, short, the shameless

2:23

sex podcast, not short, back in 2017. Amy's

2:25

a tired, poor thing. I know, I'm tired. And

2:28

when we guessed it on her show in early 2017,

2:32

that's when we decided, when

2:34

we had so much fun, the flow, we all flowed

2:36

really well together. It just seemed

2:38

so fun, playful, organic, natural. And then

2:40

April and I were like, we should start our own

2:43

show. And Emily, we were going to do

2:45

that and we're all very supportive of each other. And

2:47

so this has been, I think, our second or third time on our

2:50

show. We've been on her show other times too. Yeah, I

2:52

think I've been on her show three times. Yeah. Maybe.

2:55

Yeah, so we have this very, yes, supportive,

2:58

collaborative, love

3:00

going on. I had the biggest crush on her. I think I maybe

3:02

said on the interview, but.

3:03

You're like, I'm so nervous. Because she had a Bravo

3:05

show, Misadvised with like two other sex

3:07

educators. And so I knew who she was.

3:10

This is a while back. And she was

3:12

making out with Reed Mahalko at like a good

3:14

vibes. Oh, really? Like

3:16

they were filming and it was talking

3:18

about kissing or something. And

3:21

it was only out for one season, but I just loved

3:23

her and her energy. And

3:25

I knew who she was from our industry, from

3:27

the sex toy industry. And then when I worked

3:30

with Fun Factory, we started collaborating with

3:32

her. And then, so we were at like a party

3:34

or something. I was like, I really, I just, you're

3:36

really cool. No, I'm

3:38

nervous. And she's like, really? She's like just

3:41

so humble and such

3:44

a sweetheart. And she's such a hard

3:46

worker. She's just a boss. Like

3:48

she does so much and

3:51

she has a team, but she does it on her own. Could you

3:53

imagine if we had a podcast by ourselves? Well,

3:56

we did at one point. It was just

3:58

you and I. Well, no, but.

3:59

like by yourself. Like if I was just one person,

4:02

yeah, totally. I mean, she has a

4:04

team, which is nice. And she's not in the podcast

4:06

game in the very beginning of the podcast

4:08

game. Yeah. Yeah. Like around

4:10

the same time as Dan Savage, I believe so. Um,

4:13

so yeah, she's awesome. And she wrote

4:15

a book recently. So, uh, this book,

4:17

this book, this episode, we

4:19

read like I've read a majority

4:22

of it. Well, we were, you know, it's been hard to

4:24

read, but, uh, it's amazing. Yeah. The book's great.

4:26

So it's called how to, well, the book is smart

4:28

sex, how to boost your sex IQ and your

4:31

own and own your pleasure. So we're

4:33

going to be focusing on that. How do we

4:35

boost our sex IQ and own

4:37

that motherfucking pleasure before we do

4:39

that? Just a quick shout out to you all. We still

4:41

only have one spot left at our

4:44

retreat in Costa Rica coming up in early November.

4:47

And this spot is for two people

4:49

to share

4:50

a big, fancy, beautiful

4:52

suite with a king size bed and balcony or

4:55

one person. If you really want to just go out and deck it out, you

4:58

can go to our website to learn more. It's going

5:01

to be super fun, informative, educational,

5:03

playful, and you leave there with a lot of

5:05

really great, but not boring education because

5:08

this is a vacation where you'll learn

5:10

some things, which I, I

5:13

think that learning is knowledge.

5:15

Yes. Knowledge is power. However,

5:17

it's like a vacation with awesome

5:19

humans. We've

5:20

had, we talked to every single

5:22

person that signs up and everybody is so cool.

5:25

I'm so excited. And then Paige will be there. Yeah.

5:28

Yeah. So it's a Kristen from

5:30

fun factory and you get sex toys and

5:32

there's Lux chef. Definitely

5:34

check out our website, shameless sex.com and

5:36

the retreat info is on there and then

5:39

we will be waitlisted because it filled up

5:41

really quickly. We already have someone on the waitlist. Yeah.

5:43

So already begun. Yeah. That

5:46

spot is either for two people. If you want to split the cost

5:49

or one person, if you have the

5:51

finances to, um, or

5:53

a credit card, that's what I usually do when I want to do something fancy

5:55

and like, I deserve this. You can do payment

5:58

plans if you, if you want. Yeah. I

6:02

do payment plans for stupid shit sometimes

6:04

where I'm like, I'm just going to pay $30

6:07

a month for 12 months for this thing. Even

6:09

though I don't really, I don't know why it's

6:11

like a weird thing. I'm like, I'm going to clarno this. I

6:13

don't know if you probably don't do that. I do it because I shop

6:16

a lot, but I'm like, Oh, it's

6:18

weird. Anyway, that's a side note for you because

6:20

I'm tangentially speaking. Okay. Sex

6:23

questions. Go ahead. All right. Here we

6:25

go. And he was like, I'm tired. April, I'm tired and just

6:27

talking about payment plans over there. That's

6:29

for a retreat. This

6:29

payment plan. Yeah. But then you just, anyways,

6:33

yes, there's a payment plan. Okay. So

6:35

you, the sex question, by the way, you

6:38

speak so highly of Uber loop. However,

6:40

I would like to know what water based lube

6:42

you recommend when using silicone toys

6:45

is one better than the other. We enjoy

6:47

both vaginal and anal sex play. And

6:50

this is a husband asking with and

6:52

for his wife. So

6:55

this is a good question. And this is why we actually

6:57

wrote a blog about this recently

6:59

because we talked about Uber loop so often

7:02

about other water based lubes that we recommend

7:04

the different types of lubes. Yeah. Because

7:07

there's so many lubes on the market and yes, water basis,

7:10

one of the most popular as water soluble.

7:12

It works with all sex toys, all condoms, et

7:15

cetera. Whereas silicone

7:17

is generally longer lasting and

7:20

works with most condoms, meaning it works with latex

7:22

and poly ice, supreme, but not, I

7:24

don't believe polyurethane. And

7:26

so there's two different blog posts though

7:29

that we have. One is called lube 101

7:31

and the other one is called

7:33

can I use silicone lube with my sex toys?

7:36

And the reason why we have those there is because the

7:39

thing about using silicone lube

7:41

with your sex toys is that it

7:43

might not work with a fair

7:45

amount of them. Compatibility. Yeah. It might not be compatible.

7:47

And April and I've used Uber lube on tons of silicone

7:50

sex toys and had no problem.

7:53

We will. I can't speak for April, but I wash

7:55

the external toys and non-sex

7:59

So it could stop. So I don't use the bonnet. You

8:02

don't usually lose loop. Use

8:05

the lube when I'm using my vibrator.

8:08

When I use the external toy, I don't necessarily

8:11

need the lube because it's when I'm

8:13

personally playing with my sorrow. So

8:16

the crust that you wash off,

8:18

I have clean to resex. It has bad

8:20

internal toys. I wash every time because I have

8:22

to use lube. Yeah. And you're using

8:24

Uber loop, but you're watching every time. Uber loop. You're

8:27

watching every time and that's the key to not having

8:29

the

8:29

competitive, like the bubbling effect that can

8:32

happen with mismatch silicone. Yeah. And

8:34

generally speaking from what we've heard, it takes

8:37

many hours, if not days, if not weeks for the silicone

8:39

lube to hurt the silicone toy. The meaning

8:41

you leave it on there that long. Like a Petri dish. Yeah,

8:44

exactly. Like hanging out in there. Like a biological

8:46

matter. But also it's not a perfect science.

8:48

So you can always spot test it on your toy. And

8:50

if you want to be really careful, then

8:53

you can also use a

8:55

water-based lube for a some sexy play. I

8:57

do think not all water-based lubes

8:59

are created equal in my opinion.

9:02

In you, the only way to tell

9:04

for your body

9:06

what you like, and we can suggest our

9:08

favorites because I think we always get

9:10

samples of water-based lubes and there's

9:12

probably two or three that I

9:15

would recommend that I have. And

9:18

I still with anal play, I have

9:20

to tell you water-based is hard for

9:22

anal play because you have to reapply over

9:25

and over and over again. And you go through a lot

9:27

of lube and it just because it gets

9:30

absorbed is the right word into your

9:33

body. So that's why you have to be careful with chemicals

9:35

as well. You don't want a lot of chemicals in your water-based

9:37

lube. Silicone is less absorb

9:40

absorption.

9:41

It's not really absorbed.

9:43

It dissipates over time or it kind of

9:45

like moves its way out of your body.

9:48

Whereas water-based lube, that's why it's water-based, water-soluble,

9:50

it is absorbed. So yeah,

9:53

at Sex Geek Summer Camp this year,

9:55

the demo that I did was a

9:57

kind of like a lube touch and taste.

9:59

where everyone, we had five people come up and

10:02

they're all touching, like putting this different

10:04

lubes on their hands and they didn't know what they

10:06

were, but there were three water-based lubes and

10:09

Uber lube there. And so they were rubbing

10:11

on their hands, lick it to see if it

10:13

had a flavor, see how long it lasts, if it

10:15

gets sticky, if it gets tacky. Did you do this? I

10:18

was leading it. Oh, you're leading it? Yeah, and so I

10:20

was leading with Reed, Reed Mihalko, who you're just talking about.

10:22

We were leading this together. And

10:24

what we discovered from the anonymous,

10:27

we'll call it, touch and

10:29

taste

10:29

lube test, obviously number, Uber

10:32

lube one, as everyone's

10:34

favorite, but no doubt about that. When it came

10:36

to the water-based though, what we saw was

10:39

waterslide was kind of

10:41

the top choice. I don't know that one. We used to set

10:43

up Pure Pleasure a lot. It comes in a blue

10:45

bottle. You don't anymore? No, we

10:48

do. Well, we have it on our website, yeah. I'm looking at

10:50

it. The ingredients are really simple. I think it's only

10:52

like four or five ingredients, but it's water-based.

10:54

Will it last as long as Uber lube? It's called

10:56

waterslide? Waterslide, yeah. Okay.

10:59

And

10:59

so everyone up there, these are a bunch of sex

11:01

educators, or therapists,

11:04

et cetera. At the end when I was

11:06

maybe explaining to them what lube was what,

11:09

they really enjoyed waterslide. It's the first

11:12

water-based lube that they liked. And then the second one

11:14

was the Sliquid Organics Oceanics,

11:18

where they're kind of top picks. So

11:20

my two top picks, which I

11:22

hope that Pure Pleasure has them, but Soutil,

11:25

I love that one. We will be caring eventually, but yeah. The

11:27

Soutil is awesome. It feels

11:29

almost, I feel like it could mimic

11:32

what saliva feels like, but it

11:34

still

11:34

stays on the skin longer.

11:36

And then I actually just

11:39

got some yes lube to test for something else.

11:41

The water-based and the oil-based again. Remember that when

11:43

I worked at Pure Pleasure back in 2008. The UK,

11:46

right? Yes, it's from the UK, but they

11:48

have a new bottle. It's

11:51

nice top. And you do have it on your side. I just

11:53

looked. You do have the, yes, water-based

11:56

lube. They've got great ingredients, but

11:58

I would say that's like Soutil's. probably by number

12:00

one, but if right now you don't have

12:02

it on pure pleasure, I would get, you're going to go through water based

12:04

loop really quickly. So don't worry. Yeah. I would

12:06

buy the yes or the

12:09

Slickwood oceanics. I can't find the water slide one, but

12:11

I'm sure it's on you. You could probably just search

12:13

in the pure pleasure shop.com water,

12:16

water slide search box. So if you just go to water based loops,

12:18

it will be in there and we have, we will carry

12:20

suit till at some point. Who makes water slide?

12:22

Um, I'm okay.

12:25

That earthly buddy. Oh, earthly buddy. Oh, okay.

12:27

Now I see it. Okay. Yeah. Anyway, that's good.

12:29

And then 15%

12:29

off. If you use coupon code shameless

12:33

sex at pure pleasure shop.com

12:36

and you can try out a number of lives,

12:38

try out whatever, you know, just stick to one,

12:40

find one that you like. Uh, but I agree with April

12:42

and I'll play

12:44

use that silicone lube and lube

12:46

is a trial and error thing when it comes to water base. I'm serious.

12:48

It's finding what you like. So it's a great

12:50

question and we can do our recommendations for

12:52

you because those, I think the

12:55

ones that we suggested are probably the

12:58

best that I haven't tried the water slide. So I can't

13:00

speak for that one, but I believe you. I would go buying

13:02

this smaller bottle to start to spot,

13:05

especially on a vulva to spot

13:07

test is to make sure it doesn't do any interesting things where

13:09

because it's being absorbed, it could potentially,

13:12

even if it's organic or whatever, it

13:14

could be problematic for you because it's going to your

13:16

blood bloodstream and everybody's different.

13:18

Oh, pure makes that one too. That's water

13:21

base that they just came out with. I can't remember the name of it. I don't

13:23

see it, but anyway, the nude, the nude or something.

13:25

Yes. That one's good because

13:27

my, my friend works for pure and he's

13:29

like, you're going to love this. And he gave me a bunch of samples and I tried

13:31

it, but I ran out and I forgot about it because

13:33

yeah, anyway, the PJ you

13:36

are. Yeah. PJ you are. Yeah. Pure is really good

13:38

too. Okay. Yeah. So let's do, are you ready for Emily's

13:40

bio? Yeah. Let's do a bio. He wants

13:42

to take a nap. So I need a nap.

13:44

I'm tired. Dr.

13:46

Emily Morris is a doctor of human sexuality

13:49

and the host of the award winning number

13:51

one sexuality podcast, sex with

13:54

Emily, which has been on air for nearly

13:56

two decades. She is a masterclass

13:59

instructor on sex and communication and

14:01

was previously a radio host and executive

14:04

producer on Sirius XM and

14:06

recently released her second book, smart

14:08

sex, how to boost your IQ and

14:10

own your pleasure. She has been profiled

14:12

in the New York times Forbes and men's health

14:15

and has been featured by the today show. Conan

14:18

entertainment tonight, glamor, cosmopolitan

14:20

bustle, and way, way more

14:23

to learn more. Go to sex with emily.com.

14:31

I got to come

14:32

to your back. Is that your velvet green couch? Cause I

14:34

had a velvet green couch that I was obsessed

14:36

with. Yes. Oh, what happened?

14:39

I love it too. I was partnered

14:41

and I moved in and the couch was way too small

14:43

for the space. It was like, it looked like a,

14:46

like a dollhouse couch in the, in the,

14:48

the big space. I was like, we

14:50

can't keep this couch anymore, but it was

14:52

so beautiful. I love a velvet

14:55

couch. I love it too. Does

14:57

it have any, does it ever get any snail tracks

14:59

though? Mine would get some snail tracks. A-Rose is known for snail

15:01

trails, meaning

15:02

she's having sex on it and being

15:04

naked and we get snail trails all over.

15:06

And I was like, Amy would be like, is that

15:08

a snail trail? Is that a snail trail? No. Yeah.

15:11

She's yeah. She's good with snail trails. Yeah.

15:13

Well sometimes, you know what? I guess. I clean

15:16

her vibrators for her by the way. All right. Well

15:18

on that note, we should start the podcast.

15:20

Dale. All right. Let's start the pod. Are we recording?

15:22

Oh, we are. We are recording. Wait,

15:25

how have we not, this was already the best

15:27

podcast ever. I mean, no, this has already started.

15:29

Yeah. We should have been recording

15:31

like 20 minutes ago. Well, we just talked about snail

15:33

trails for Dale. So I love snail trails. There's

15:37

definitely

15:37

some stuff going on in this couch I've had

15:39

for five years. Yeah. Oh yeah.

15:42

That's a sign of a good time on

15:44

a good couch. All

15:46

right. Well, everyone, we've started the podcast

15:48

now because Dale is our editor.

15:51

We're going to include some of that and we're going to, yeah,

15:53

just go from there. So, hey, everyone,

15:55

welcome to the interview portion of

15:57

Shameless Sex. We are

15:59

here.

15:59

with, oh my God, how do I even

16:02

introduce this? It's like one of those, like

16:05

the credentials for a queen that

16:07

like duchess of yolk, queen

16:10

of the ombre. I don't know. Like,

16:12

I like that things I could, I could come

16:14

up with probably 15 different things. I mean, Amy, I'll let you know.

16:17

I would say like repeat,

16:19

Dr. Emily Morris, but also we have to say shameless

16:22

sex is inspiration for being who

16:24

we are for our podcast, uh,

16:26

for all of our, all of our growth within this realm.

16:29

One

16:29

of my biggest crushes ever, because

16:32

when you had your job Bravo, I was like in love

16:34

with you, but I got

16:36

actually touched and be touched by Emily

16:39

in a sex and relationship coaching training. Cause

16:41

we were in the same training and Emily's the one that told me that she

16:43

didn't feel anything erotic when I was touching. And

16:46

then I was like, Oh, this is

16:48

okay. Oh yeah. This is just touching

16:50

with presence. And then there's a difference between that and

16:53

bringing in eroticism. Anyways, we talk about

16:55

that on a different episode. We're not going to elaborate on that.

16:57

So sorry, April. I win, but

16:59

I got more Emily than you. But

17:03

anyways, so we're so excited

17:05

to have Emily here, Dr. Emily Morris

17:07

and Emily has a new book. Oh

17:09

wait, I got covered. Wait, my partner and I were not on her

17:12

show. We were on sex with Emily and we talked about

17:14

having a threesome together and we were trying

17:16

to fill out the details. It didn't happen. It

17:18

didn't happen. No, not yet. Not

17:20

to say what I'm manifesting it to happen. He still talks,

17:23

but he's like, what about what happened to your friend Emily? I was like,

17:25

don't worry about it. Well, maybe my

17:27

partner and I will proposition or just be all right. Anyways,

17:29

my partner,

17:29

wait, you guys, my partner, who I have

17:32

a partner now, a serious partner, he would be down to

17:34

six. Um, oh my God,

17:36

creating magic right now. Oh,

17:39

everyone. I want

17:41

to say this is all part of having smart

17:44

sex and maybe it's not exactly

17:46

what's in the book. We're not trying to

17:48

convince you out of six times and non-monogamy, but Emily,

17:50

yeah. It's true. Maybe the book is. Yeah.

17:54

So smart sex, how to boost your sex

17:56

IQ and own your pleasure. Dr.

17:58

Emily Morris, we're so happy to have you.

17:59

you here. And even though our listeners heard a little

18:02

bit about you in the bio, and then us basically like

18:04

trying to like lick your pussy on

18:06

air. How can

18:08

you tell us how you got to where you are today in

18:10

the field of sexuality?

18:13

Yes. Hi, I'm so I

18:15

love it. We do not hang out nearly.

18:18

Oh my god. Okay, so I got

18:20

started in the field of sexuality, because

18:23

I was having sex that was very disappointing.

18:26

Not a good time. faking orgasms.

18:29

I was 35

18:29

years old, and I had nowhere

18:32

to go force any sex information.

18:35

And while I was doing other things, I

18:37

was working in politics in San Francisco

18:39

for a long time, I made a film about politics.

18:42

And then I realized after that, I really want to do

18:44

a documentary about sex. So I started talking

18:47

in 2003. I started doing a documentary

18:49

called searching for sex in San Francisco.

18:51

And I started talking to everybody about their sex life.

18:54

Anyway, podcasting came around in 2005. And

18:57

I realized I could do a podcast

19:00

and interview people about their sex lives

19:02

without cameras, because there's a certain anonymity

19:05

to it, as you know, people will open up. And

19:07

so really, it started from a need

19:09

from a desire. And like I always say, research

19:11

is research. And I really wanted to know,

19:15

how would you have great sex? How do

19:17

you sustain great sex in a

19:19

long term relationship?

19:21

And really, it just started interviewing people. And

19:23

then I went back to grad school and got my doctorate,

19:25

but it all started with podcasting and sex

19:28

18 years ago.

19:30

And that was new. So podcasts came out in 2005. You were there for

19:35

you started in in 2005. Yeah, you

19:37

were like, you're the first like sexual

19:39

pioneer on in the podcast world. That's

19:42

true. I can bet. Oh,

19:44

oh, and Savage, I think started around then too.

19:46

But like, different angles and focus. Maybe

19:48

this little after you. So yeah, the thing

19:51

is, Emily, since I've listened

19:53

to so many of your episodes,

19:55

you have something for every single human

19:58

on the planet with what you offer.

19:59

and you're such just like you

20:02

know how to tune into people and you're funny and you're skilled

20:05

and you always have these I think relatable

20:08

I call them isms because the

20:10

one of my favorites which we've quoted

20:12

it so many times actually I think it's not

20:15

our own book that's not coming out later but I'm ruining

20:17

this book right now we're ruining her book. I've said this to

20:19

my partner a bunch of times where

20:21

I'm like communication is lubrication

20:23

babe and he was like that's

20:26

really

20:27

really quite helpful to

20:29

learn about like you lube in the gears like

20:31

getting the gears rolling right and it's

20:34

not about like squirting like lube all

20:36

over but it's about like communicate and

20:38

I love that and then you just said that the

20:41

what you just said a minute ago where the me

20:43

uh what did you say research is me search research

20:46

is research that's a good

20:48

one right don't you think that you

20:50

a lot of the stuff that we do or you do is like you

20:52

want to learn for yourself but it helps others too right

20:54

so research is research yeah I think that

20:57

the research is mishe is genius

20:59

research then

21:02

sometimes I'm like I don't know I might be such

21:04

a an anomaly with some of my weird

21:07

stuff but communication is lubrication that does

21:09

make sense yeah if I communicate my weirdness

21:12

then it can be

21:13

maybe someone can meet me in the middle so that being

21:15

said there's a question here I promise Emily okay

21:18

although it feels like a conversation with my bestie what

21:20

does this mean communication is lubrication

21:23

and how did you come up with that because it's

21:25

so genius and how much

21:27

lube do we really fucking need

21:31

you can never have too much lube to answer

21:33

your question why would you ever like literally

21:37

you need lube my dream

21:39

is a lube on every night stand

21:42

right there don't have any sexual

21:44

activity without lube literally if

21:46

you're touching yourself touching a partner and thank

21:49

god I've trained my partners like they know like they

21:51

don't even touch me they don't even kiss me without

21:53

the lube like they don't even put their hands on my pants without

21:55

like squirting it and we

21:58

go through a lot of lube in this house I gotta to

22:00

say like, we need a lot of lube.

22:02

So that's me personally, I would say

22:04

that everyone invests in some lube. So

22:07

for sure. How did it come about?

22:09

I literally don't remember. I've probably

22:11

been saying it for almost 17 years. But

22:14

I think what it means is that the more

22:16

that we communicate about sex, the

22:18

better sex we're gonna have the more time turned

22:21

on we're going to be it definitely does lube you

22:23

up. It leaves you and your partner up for better

22:25

conversations. It might even get

22:27

you really hot and turned on and therefore

22:30

wet and therefore lubed to

22:32

talk about it. But that's what it means. And it's

22:34

I've said it so much. But I really yeah,

22:36

it says it says a lot without saying too much.

22:39

Yeah, that's it. I think that's so

22:41

so important. Agreed on all the

22:43

lube. Honestly, for me, when I see whatever

22:46

there's someone I'm like newly intimate with, and

22:48

they have a great bottle of uber lube. For me,

22:50

it's like if I see sorry lube, but if I see uber

22:52

lube, I'm like you went up like five notches already.

22:55

Yeah, but you know, like high quality

22:57

lube and that's there or even coconut

23:00

oil, like you're prepared. But then we're using

23:02

condoms as the whole thing. So agreed with

23:04

that one. And I love what you're saying about

23:06

like the you know, the more communication we have how

23:08

that can lead into closer intimacy,

23:11

better intimacy. And I'm some one of those people that

23:13

really needs to feel like

23:15

some level of connection through

23:18

communication, like vulnerability and realness

23:20

to want to fuck someone and to

23:23

really enjoy to open up to that. And so

23:25

I absolutely love that. And

23:27

yeah, but that's why April and I say it. But so we don't say

23:30

over here, by the way, we're like saying we always say bye,

23:32

Dr. Emily Morse. Emily

23:34

Morse says yeah, communication

23:36

is lubrication because it's genius. And now

23:38

we're gonna say research is me search Dr. Emily

23:41

Morse. I could do an AS ASMR

23:43

version. Yeah. Oh, I'm

23:45

our says communication.

23:48

She's a she's like designed for this. Alright,

23:50

so I think I have a new career Emily. Okay.

23:54

Yeah, that's

23:56

many things that you're doing. We

23:59

don't have time for that.

23:59

Okay. Anyway, so, um, I want to talk about, so coming

24:02

to your book, smart sex, and I want specifically

24:04

want to talk about the sex IQ.

24:07

And I was actually talking to someone the other day about

24:10

IQ tests. Okay. I

24:12

don't think I've ever done one. I don't know if they're

24:14

still done. So I'd actually don't exactly know

24:16

how they were. I've done one. Okay. And

24:19

I'm sure yours, you're fucking smart as fuck.

24:21

So 21. Ooh. Okay. I don't know what

24:23

that means. So, um, I don't know on the sex

24:25

IQ. Yeah. So that's why the question

24:27

is, what is a sex IQ?

24:29

How do I know what my sex

24:32

IQ is? Multiple questions, brother. How do I know my sex

24:34

IQ is and what if I can I fail

24:37

the sex IQ? Okay.

24:39

Even knowing, just

24:42

even being interested in sex

24:44

IQ means that you have a higher sex IQ

24:47

than most. I did not want people to

24:49

have a number where they felt

24:52

that

24:52

they could like be like dumber

24:54

because my book is smart sex. So I don't, I don't want anyone

24:56

to feel dumb. I don't want it. It's, it's basically

24:58

a journey and it's really just like, how

25:01

well do you communicate about sex? Do you

25:03

know about sex? So sex IQ came about

25:05

in this way. It's a, basically sex IQ is

25:07

a way of being conscious and intentional,

25:10

just really about your sex life. It's like being conscious,

25:13

intentional and understanding that

25:16

our sex is so much

25:18

more than a quick fix. And

25:21

so

25:22

by evolving your sex IQ, you're

25:24

going to be able to tune in to what's

25:26

actually happening in your body and

25:29

understand your desires, your

25:31

turn ons, what feels good to you. It's

25:34

sort of a multi-leveled way of working with sex.

25:36

And I think as you guys can relate, cause I know you guys

25:39

help so many of your listeners would

25:41

I realize after almost two decades,

25:43

I was writing the book. I'm like, okay, anal

25:46

sex chapter. Here's my best anal

25:48

chaps, tips, oral sex chapter,

25:51

best oral tips. And then I was like, you know, I

25:53

can do that. And I've been talking about the podcast,

25:55

but people, and you probably find this, they

25:57

want a quick fix when it comes to sex. next

26:00

thing I can do and I can do it. You guys can do it. I

26:02

can tell you the right toy, the right lube,

26:04

the best sex position, the best way to have conversation.

26:07

But that's just the next step. This is

26:10

more of a sex IQ is a holistic

26:12

view of your sex life and understanding.

26:15

And I created the five pillars of sex IQ.

26:18

So people will understand that it's the

26:21

all of these factors go into

26:23

having healthy sex. It's not just one thing.

26:25

It's not about how great

26:28

you feel in the bed. It's not about like your confidence

26:30

only. It's not only about your how

26:32

well you communicate, but that's one of them, but they all

26:34

tie into each other.

26:35

So we'll get into it. But as

26:38

far as a number, I do have a sex IQ

26:40

quiz on my website, but it's more about

26:42

giving people encouragement about areas

26:44

where they could focus on more when it

26:46

comes to the five pillars. I thought about

26:49

an extension, another book after

26:51

this, not that you need another book, Emily, you're gonna

26:54

draw like sex, sex for

26:56

dummies. I feel like you have the sex IQ

26:58

and it's like, because no, but

27:00

no, those books are very common

27:02

and people, but sex IQ is so

27:05

smart because

27:05

it's smart sex. Yeah, it makes so much sense.

27:08

But some people feel,

27:10

I think intimidated sometimes like, but

27:13

that's great that you said you're not making

27:15

anyone feel dumb. You don't need a sex for dummies

27:17

book at all. And it was

27:20

I was, I was sort of being sarcastic

27:22

when I said sex for dummies, but I

27:24

mean, it's a popular brand. It's a popular

27:26

brand. This is for dummies by the way. Okay. Well, I'm 30 years

27:29

old. Okay, well, this

27:33

is evolved IQ

27:35

of sex evolves too. And now

27:38

we're at this digital age. And

27:40

you know, people are information

27:42

beasts. They love just

27:45

soaking up all the information. And

27:47

I love that this book encompasses

27:50

not only something for everyone, because

27:52

you give tips about the genre as a nominogamy,

27:55

if it's anal sex, if it's what sex toys

27:57

to use. But let me first ask you this.

27:59

because you break it down, there's

28:02

five pillars, right? So what

28:04

are the five pillars of someone's

28:06

sex IQ? Okay, so

28:09

I'll break down the five pillars, but I want you to know,

28:11

and I realized when I started talking about the book

28:13

to different people, that a lot of you were like, oh

28:15

my God, I feel so like, I don't know any

28:17

of these. But remember that sex is a

28:20

journey, it is not a destination. All I'm

28:22

trying to do by these pillars is show

28:24

you all the areas that you get

28:26

to, that

28:28

you get to work on and consider

28:31

as part of being a healthy sexual

28:33

being. So that's what it is, not

28:36

to make you feel anyone to feel like, because

28:38

I still work on them. Like I created these for myself.

28:40

I still have to work on a lot of them and I'll explain to you

28:42

as we go along. So the first one is embodiment.

28:45

How in our body are we? Amy

28:48

and I studied somatica together many years

28:50

ago. It's like,

28:52

am I embodied during sex or

28:54

am I disassociated thinking

28:56

about the laundry, the bills, my

28:58

thighs, my partner's satisfaction,

29:01

or am I in the moment feeling my body,

29:03

feeling my partner, how present am I during sex?

29:05

So that's the first one. And I also give

29:08

a lot of tips in the book of how to

29:10

work in all these areas. How to get, how to improve that. Wait,

29:12

could you wear an Apple watch and see your BPMs as you're

29:14

banging? Would that help? That seems pretty

29:16

heady to me already. That's what I

29:18

would do. I'd be like, oh wait, we need to work it up to 179. Wait,

29:21

no, I'm just

29:22

kidding. That's pretty goal oriented.

29:24

Distraction, back to session. There

29:26

you go. No April, no.

29:29

Damn it. But I wish you could. I wish you

29:31

could measure this sex stuff. Okay, so the

29:33

second one is health. And that's your mental

29:36

health and your physical health, your overall

29:38

health and wellbeing. For example, am

29:40

I moving my body? Am I getting enough exercise?

29:43

Because exercise gives you blood flow. When you

29:45

have more blood flow, you have more erections and more

29:47

orgasms. It's all related. Your mental

29:49

health, are you in therapy? Have you dealt with any sexual

29:52

traumas? Are you aware that if you're

29:54

on any medications, like

29:57

anti-depressant or the birth control pill, that it can impact

29:59

your body? your sex life, therefore your sex IQ.

30:02

So it's really just having knowledge of like the food you

30:04

eat, your exercise, your mental and physical health. That's

30:06

the second pillar. So like hormones.

30:09

And I talked a lot about that in the book. The third

30:11

pillar is

30:13

self knowledge. And

30:15

this is

30:16

how well do I know myself as

30:18

a sexual being? Do I know my turn ons?

30:21

Do I know what I'm into? Do I know what's worked in

30:23

the past? Do I know my fantasies

30:25

and am I okay expressing them? Like, have I

30:27

been paying attention to my own sexual desires? Then

30:30

we have self acceptance. And this

30:33

is really the confidence piece.

30:35

Do I accept my body,

30:38

how it is in the bedroom

30:41

today? Am I okay with this body

30:43

shape? Am I, do I accept my experience

30:46

level

30:46

till today? Or am I

30:48

worried about how I look? Am I worried that my partner

30:50

has more experience than I am?

30:52

And then the fifth one is collaboration.

30:55

How well, and that's really communication. How

30:57

well do I communicate with a partner? Do

30:59

I talk about sex? Do I talk about

31:02

my needs, my turn ons? Does my partner

31:04

talk to me about it? Are we able

31:06

to communicate in a healthy way so we both have more

31:08

pleasure? So wait, the fifth one you said was communication.

31:11

Collaboration. Collaboration. Okay. Collaboration.

31:14

Okay. Okay. It really is communication. Yeah. Okay. Collaboration.

31:16

Okay, cool. Because we were actually over here, like we

31:18

want, we're going to ask you for examples

31:20

about these with like tips and checks and we want to get it

31:22

in the same order of what you said. And

31:24

what we wrote down was incorrect. So

31:27

we're writing those down and making sure that right.

31:30

Time for a quick break so we can tell you

31:32

about our carefully chosen sponsors.

31:35

Please stay tuned and buy their products

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to you.

31:46

So we got so embodiment, health, self-knowledge,

31:49

self-acceptance collaboration, right? Nailed

31:53

it. Okay, cool. Love it already.

31:56

Everyone listening, you love it. All right. Are you ready? Because

31:58

if you're feeling intimidated, don't worry.

31:59

We're going to ask for some tips and tricks

32:02

about it. Here's the sex IQ. Here we go.

32:04

Here we go. And already, you know, if you

32:06

want to update your sex IQ, you can also buy the book,

32:08

but here's some teaser. So, so

32:11

let's see. We're going

32:13

to invite you, Ms. Dr. Emily Moles,

32:15

whom we love. Can you help our

32:17

listeners learn and us to actually, because selfishly

32:19

we like these, to learn just

32:22

a few tips and tricks on how

32:24

folks can access some of the,

32:26

well, what each of these pillars, and we can go one

32:28

by one to have smarter,

32:29

hotter sex. And let's start with embodiment.

32:33

Like what are like a couple tools there from body

32:35

man, then we'll go from there to the next one. Okay. A

32:38

couple tools for what really works is breathing, just

32:40

breathing during sex, taking it. If

32:42

you find yourself getting distracted and you're worried

32:44

about other things, when you take a few

32:47

deep breaths with your, I love breathing

32:49

with my partner, like sometimes the sex gets

32:51

going and I'll be like, what happened? Where are we? How

32:54

am I naked already? And I'll be like, let's rewind

32:56

and reset. And then I breathe and then

32:58

I become much more present and focused.

33:00

Eye contact helps with that as well. And

33:03

I would say also that your senses, paying

33:06

attention to the senses in the room, like what

33:08

are you all five senses helps you become

33:10

more bodied and more present. That's

33:12

what that's just some things like what am I again?

33:15

And this is for people who, and I get this a lot,

33:17

like, why can't I focus during sex? It's like,

33:19

what am I seeing? I'm looking at my partner's

33:21

hot body. What am I smelling? This

33:24

like vanilla scented massage candle.

33:26

What am I touching? My hands are my partner's hot

33:28

body. When you focus on all

33:30

five senses, you have to be present

33:32

and embodied. You just, and now you might go

33:35

off of it again, but this is the practice you

33:37

don't, I don't think

33:38

you stay embodied ever. You're

33:41

not fully embodied, but it's a practice. The more

33:43

you, and then you bring yourself back and then you're going in your head

33:45

and then you bring yourself back. So those are some ways. I

33:47

think if you're embodied, you would like misread the

33:49

whole outside world often, or like now

33:51

maybe not misread, but if I was

33:53

like fully always in my body, all my senses,

33:56

I might miss out on certain aspects of connecting

33:58

or

33:58

with the outside world. Exactly. I guess

34:00

I'm connecting with my senses, but there's

34:03

some, it's yours. You're not aware

34:05

of like the energy is a big, there's

34:07

something good about the back and forth and

34:10

in and out thing that I think is supernatural,

34:12

right? Exactly. So you go in it

34:14

because that's why also, I don't want people to feel like I

34:16

could never do that, even if you just know, remember

34:19

to do it during sex once or twice,

34:21

and you bring yourself back, you are on the

34:23

journey of becoming more embodied. And I think knowing

34:26

that you're not embodied is also part of it. I'm

34:28

not embodied. What could I do quickly

34:29

to get back to breathe to make, I connected

34:32

to feel my partner's energy to feel connected. Yeah.

34:35

And that's not looking at your Apple watch. Everyone

34:37

does not pack your feet. Yeah. My

34:40

heart rate is dropping now. I'm

34:42

going to pump harder. Heavier.

34:45

So I'm going to breathe. Or even the thought of

34:47

like, I want to look at my Apple watch. Oh, now I'm not

34:49

embodied. You could just for having that thought. So I'm going to come back

34:51

to the tech embodiment. If I am in,

34:54

let me know, Emily, if you think this is correct,

34:56

but being embodied also means turning

34:59

off your devices and

34:59

getting away from the screens. Like sometimes

35:02

it could be, you could just be in the moment and maybe

35:04

something's playing on the background, like a display

35:06

of like, there might be some fucking football game. I

35:09

don't know who knows. Let's stop or whatever.

35:13

Not to, however, it happens and

35:15

people get distracted or they're, they're

35:17

maybe on a lunch break. Who knows?

35:20

I think screen time being off would be helpful

35:22

for embodiment. Turn off your screen time,

35:25

turn off the TV, leave your phone outside the bedroom

35:28

for sure. I mean, this is all about, a lot of us are so

35:30

disconnected from our bodies,

35:32

right during sex or whatever you can do, whatever distracts

35:34

you in day to day life. Do it, get rid of

35:36

it. Like make the bed clean sheets, get the

35:38

laundry out of there, find a new place in room to have

35:41

sex. And it's just for sleeping in for sex,

35:43

but absolutely always turn

35:45

off your screens. Get them out of the bedroom, turn off

35:47

the TV. That gets you distracted, you

35:49

know, yeah, make sure.

35:50

And that's part of self knowledge, which we'll get

35:52

to, but like knowing, like I know

35:55

if certain things are happening in the environment,

35:57

I will not have great sex. If it's.

35:59

If the sheets are messy, if it's freezing,

36:02

if it's, you know, I haven't showered

36:04

yet or my partner, like there's just certain things. So,

36:06

so yeah. And then when you can kind of remove

36:08

all the obstacles, like essentially sexual intelligence,

36:11

sex IQ helps people sort

36:13

of, I don't love this word, but like hack

36:15

their sex life and figure out, because

36:18

it's such a mystery. Like the reason why I created this is because

36:20

people don't know. They're like, why am I turned on today? Not

36:22

yesterday. What's going to get me in the mood?

36:25

I have no idea. So if you circle

36:27

through these five pillars, you can be like,

36:29

Oh, I

36:29

haven't collaborated with my

36:32

partner. Wow. I realize I'm presenting him or,

36:34

Oh, I've been really distracted, right? So you can kind of work

36:36

in all of them and be like, what needs to happen? But we can

36:39

go through these, but that's exactly what it is. Well,

36:41

so, and the next one is health. So I

36:43

just wanted to touch on embodiment because I, I

36:46

struggle with embodiment. So I'm there with you or

36:49

not with you all because you two seem very embodied.

36:51

Me not so much. Yeah.

36:57

It's an in and out thing. Like even in sex

36:59

for me,

36:59

it's like there. And then sometimes I have to do like,

37:02

take a breath or I'm like, can you spank my ass

37:04

right now because I'm not present. And that helps

37:06

me to bring government in the present. So like, I'm

37:08

not perfect for sure. That's a great tip.

37:11

Like I love that. Like that's

37:13

why BDSM is so great for

37:16

people who are distracted. Any kind of kink play

37:18

time be up, spake me, do something

37:21

drastic. You got my attention. I think so.

37:23

ADHD. That's why probably it like snaps

37:26

me into like, yeah. It's like, I'm like, oh

37:28

yeah, I need having a partner saying, look

37:30

me in the eyes right now, tell, like, tell

37:32

me that you're a bad little girl or something like that. Or

37:35

yeah. Or how much you want my cock. I'm a present.

37:39

Present. So

37:43

you talked about how being, okay. So you mentioned

37:45

of course, birth control and also

37:48

hormonal fluctuations, which obviously

37:50

no matter what age you are, you're going through hormonal

37:53

flexes. Uh, can you talk more about that

37:55

health pillar? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

37:57

Here's the tips and tricks. So first off, you have to.

37:59

And again, this is like in any wellness

38:03

routine, you want to pay attention to these things.

38:05

But what I particularly want people to do is pay attention to

38:07

how it impacts your sex life. Like if you haven't

38:09

been exercising and you're eating healthy, the

38:12

fact that I'm telling you now that these things

38:14

are going to impact your ability to be aroused and turn

38:16

on, maybe that'll inspire people to go to the

38:18

gym. But what I'm saying is the more that

38:20

you exercise, eat foods

38:23

that make you feel good and the food that don't

38:25

make you feel bad, that's a health pillar. You're

38:27

just going to be able to get more aroused, feel better

38:29

in your body and more turned on. Like that is a

38:31

health pillar. And that's really just about, you know,

38:34

and then, and then that, yeah, diet and exercise,

38:36

but there's also the pillar about hormones,

38:38

just understanding that certain

38:41

times of month, especially if you're a woman,

38:43

a vulva owner, you're going to be

38:45

more turned on, more wet at different parts

38:47

of your cycle. So just being, you know, bought,

38:50

having body bodily wisdom is

38:52

part of it. And our hormones do change

38:54

with the pill after you have a baby,

38:57

perimenopause, all of these areas

38:59

of your life, just understanding that

39:01

that's sort of the health portion. And

39:04

then there's the mental health part of it, which

39:06

is, you know, if you do suffer from

39:08

like, and you've had a trauma, any

39:10

trauma, but let's say in particular, you've had a sexual trauma

39:13

and you haven't gone to therapy and you

39:15

haven't worked on it with a trauma informed therapist,

39:18

it is very likely going to impact

39:20

your ability to have healthier,

39:22

pleasurable sex. Cause

39:24

this is all about enhancing our pleasure, right?

39:27

So I think I'm pointing this

39:29

out because again, after almost two decades, I

39:31

know that people are shocked all the time that

39:34

what they eat, how they move is going to

39:36

impact their sex life. People every day are like my

39:38

birth control pill impact could impact my

39:40

sex drive or my SSR. My trauma

39:42

that happened 30 years ago is still impacting me,

39:45

not for everybody, but for many people,

39:47

if we don't work on these things, it's

39:49

going to keep us from having the pleasure we want.

39:51

Yeah. Well, everything's connected,

39:54

right? Like we, I think we, for some reason,

39:56

or a lot of folks, including myself was,

39:58

I feel like I was taught.

39:59

Everything's different. You have your

40:02

sexuality and that's your genitals. And

40:04

then you have your emotional and that's your brain. And

40:06

then you have all these different things, your physical health, that's

40:08

your body, but not your pussy and,

40:10

or your cock or your ass. And

40:12

in fact, they're all connected,

40:15

including our internal organs that

40:17

while you might not think that your liver and kidneys

40:19

are connected to your genitals, they

40:22

are, they're also connected to your cognition and your

40:24

brain. Like there's all of these different things. It's

40:26

all related. And, and

40:29

also, but

40:29

because I think what a lot of we're taught in sex

40:32

education, even in comprehensive

40:34

sex education is still not pleasure

40:36

based. So of course, not gonna be like, just so you know,

40:39

if you have a strong body, you know, liver, kidneys

40:41

and mental health, you know, better sex. Like they're not saying

40:43

that when we're 16. So we have to go. They

40:45

need to. Yeah. So, but that's

40:48

why we have your book. And

40:50

while I say, I think we have to say in our podcast,

40:52

probably yours, you have to be 18 up to listen.

40:55

I mean, you, maybe you can't say this, but I'm going to say,

40:57

uh, you know, I don't know, maybe gift Emily's

40:59

book

40:59

to like a 16 year old, cause it'd be really helpful, but

41:02

that's just me. Blah, blah, blah.

41:04

Okay. Yeah. I

41:06

think you should. She said it too. She

41:09

agrees. Cool. Okay. Self

41:11

knowledge tips and tricks around this one. This is number three.

41:13

Okay. So self knowledge is really about

41:16

thinking about yourself.

41:18

What, who are you sexually? What turns

41:20

you on? I have my yes, no, maybe list on the site,

41:22

which you guys know all about, which is helpful. We

41:25

have that in our book too. So we did not copy you just

41:27

so you know, I don't care. I can't

41:29

wait to see your book. I can't, what's your

41:31

book called? Oh, we're not promoting it today.

41:33

I love you girls. I'm

41:36

just making it clear so that when you actually read

41:38

it, you know, we need to copy you. Cause

41:41

you just said it. You guys are so loving and supportive

41:43

and I don't feel that all. Yeah. So,

41:46

so self knowledge is yeah. You're yes. No, maybe

41:48

list. Do you know what turned you on? What feels

41:50

good? Do you

41:52

ever think about you? It's kind of like your sexual

41:54

history too. Like what is your sexual history?

41:57

How have you had orgasms in the past? How has your sex

41:59

life been? So I definitely have tips in the book

42:01

for kind of going through those things and understanding your

42:03

desire style. There's actually

42:06

a six point, I think it's a like six

42:08

questions. Like, do you know when you get turned on? Is

42:10

it when you have a conversation with your partner? Like we

42:13

were talking about that. Like, are you more of a sapiosexual?

42:15

Do you need to be like, do something adrenaline pumping?

42:18

Do you need to do something together

42:20

where you're creating something? You know,

42:22

what needs to happen? What is the requirement

42:25

that needs to happen for you to be in the mood

42:27

for sex, to feel sexually satisfied?

42:29

So I have a lot of tips in the book for people

42:31

to do their own exploration, because I

42:33

think again,

42:35

we don't really pay attention to it. We just have siloed

42:37

sex into this thing where we're like, I'm

42:39

going to close my eyes in the dark and hope

42:42

for the best when it comes to sex. We like don't really

42:44

know. So I want people to really know that

42:46

we have the power we have, we know what's

42:48

going on if we really take the time

42:50

to pay attention. So that's really what self knowledge

42:53

is. And that will help inform us and

42:55

our partners, you know, what we're going to require

42:57

to have great sex, what we need. Also,

43:00

Emily, it's important to state that

43:02

that knowledge can change. The self

43:04

awareness

43:05

can change. And that's what I, I

43:07

always almost identified myself as

43:09

a specific way. Sexually, I was

43:12

like, I like this, this, this, and I don't like this.

43:14

And then 10

43:15

years, five months, two hours

43:17

goes by sometimes. So I'm like, wait, maybe not. So

43:20

it's like the sexual self knowledge is

43:22

so important, but you have to check in with yourself and your

43:24

partners. Right. I love that you're saying

43:27

that. Yeah. I love it because it changes. And

43:29

I think that's one of it is that I love

43:31

that you brought this up. That's just a huge point that like we

43:33

change what we want. I say

43:35

this all the time. Like what I wanted last week isn't

43:38

necessarily what I want, which is why ongoing

43:40

consent is so important. But what I wanted

43:42

a decade ago is looks nothing

43:44

like I, what I wanted.

43:45

We're both shaking our heads. Have you been not watching us

43:48

on YouTube right now? Like anal sex. Like,

43:51

no, I'm just, I'm just, I'm not, I'm

43:53

not that much of a woman. I wasn't

43:56

shaming. I just didn't. I was like, no, it's not for me. I

43:58

had a lot of like.

43:59

shitty compliance sex. And like

44:02

now I'm like, fuck no. But like, yeah,

44:04

it's always evolving. And like, who knows where we'll be. Exactly.

44:07

And I was so performative, like you guys probably were

44:09

too before we learned all of this stuff.

44:11

Yeah, don't be performative. And I think we were performative

44:14

for many reasons as I get into in the book

44:16

too. Like I was just pleasing my partner, but

44:18

I also didn't know what I wanted because I didn't do this work.

44:21

Like I did all this work and I still

44:23

do this work so I can continue to have great

44:25

sex with my partner all the time. And then he read

44:27

the book and then he throws it back and he's like, we haven't

44:29

collaborated lately. I'm like, fuck yeah. See

44:32

that's what I love. I just was like, you read

44:34

the book about my partner

44:36

and our like sexual menus, the yeses

44:39

and nos and the maybes or, and

44:41

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47:21

But that being said, there is a

47:23

level of number four with the fourth pillar,

47:26

self-acceptance, which

47:28

I know you have tips and tricks on, which we've touched

47:30

on, because all of these are sort of, they

47:33

all sort of, I think, bleed onto each

47:35

other, for lack of a better way to say it. But

47:37

yeah, they paint on each other. Like

47:40

a Barbra painting. They're

47:45

all related, and they're all going to contribute. So

47:47

self-acceptance is like,

47:49

it's such a big one, because confidence, and I'm convinced,

47:52

confidence is not a place that you arrive.

47:55

Confidence is a daily practice. Am

47:57

I confident, at least for many people, and for me

47:59

sometimes.

47:59

Like, do I feel good today? Am I hating my body?

48:02

Listen, if we are walking around all day, not

48:04

liking our body, I don't like my thighs.

48:07

I don't like my boobs. And then we wonder why we get into

48:09

the bedroom and we can't be

48:11

turned on and aroused. You know, we want the lights off and all

48:13

the things. So really, you know, even body

48:15

neutrality, I'm not even saying we have to learn to love our body,

48:17

but accepting our body. And so

48:20

I have a lot of practices in the book for that, which

48:22

you guys probably talk about too, like looking in the mirror,

48:24

writing positive affirmations. The

48:26

reason why we talk about that stuff is because it works. It

48:29

actually does work to reprogram

48:31

our brains from all of the

48:34

toxic thoughts and negativity

48:36

that we might've been telling ourselves about our bodies. So

48:38

do I accept my body where

48:40

it is today so I can have be a, or that I'm

48:42

a sexual being and my

48:45

partner, except, you know, it doesn't matter what partner thinks. Cause

48:47

I feel good in my body. So that's really part of it. And

48:49

do I accept my history, my sexual history, right?

48:52

Like, am I okay with my past? If I feel like

48:54

I haven't had enough experience or too much experience, like,

48:56

am I present with who I am today as a sexual

48:58

being? That's self-acceptance. Yeah.

49:01

And I think for a lot of people listening,

49:04

everyone's going to find some of these pillars

49:06

more challenging than others. Um,

49:08

and so some people are like, Oh, I got the hell thing down. Some

49:10

of like the hell things real hard or the embodiment

49:13

thing down or, or all of them are

49:15

hard. Um, and like, I think the acceptance

49:17

piece is, I think challenging for so

49:19

many people because

49:22

there's so much out

49:24

there. Let's talk about porn just for five seconds.

49:27

Let's do it. Yeah. These, I mean, just these ideas

49:29

of what sex should look like, what our body should look

49:31

like, what our genitals should look like, and

49:33

even outside of porn,

49:34

mainstream media, you know, all

49:36

the magazines, all these things. And I

49:38

mean, then there's also things like gender dysphoria.

49:40

There's, there's so many pieces of like, my

49:43

body doesn't match what other people say

49:45

is right, good enough, sexy, hot, attractive

49:48

or normal. And I like what you

49:50

said, like, you don't have to love your body, but

49:52

like learning to like various things. And, and I'm

49:55

sure your book has plenty of practices and how to

49:57

do that. And for a lot of people, they might be

49:59

like.

50:00

Yeah, like I've tried that, you know, I looked in the mirror

50:02

and, um, but like read the book cause it

50:04

probably doesn't just say look in the mirror, you know,

50:06

like there's a deeper explanation of how

50:09

you do that. And like the way is to

50:11

navigate that, right? Yeah, exactly. I

50:13

go into a lot of depth in these areas and I've done

50:15

a lot of podcasts and sex with Emily about

50:17

these very topics, but yeah, self

50:20

acceptance is a really, really hard one. I mean that, like,

50:22

that's why I said self confidence is a life journey.

50:24

So this is a daily journey. Don't ever have to like pump yourselves

50:26

up when you ever feel like I have negative self talk.

50:29

So I just know that that's

50:30

my wiring. And so I have to remember

50:32

that like my thoughts are not the truth. Then

50:35

I have to have practices in my life to feel good about

50:37

myself and to feel good about my life

50:39

and like gratitude helps and being thankful for my

50:41

body that does work and what it can do.

50:44

And that's why for me, like masturbating and learning my

50:46

body and learning how to have a lot of orgasms and

50:48

pleasure and how to communicate with a partner all help

50:50

build my confidence when it comes to sex. I

50:53

mean, my body from when I started, like I'm so

50:55

different. I mean, it's different than it was a week ago,

50:57

you know? But if I really lay all

50:59

of my pleasure, because that's what part of it's like, and

51:01

you also think of it this way, if I'm going to walk around and

51:04

like hate my body and all these things like it's

51:06

robbing me of pleasure. It's robbing me

51:08

of connection. Like I'm not able to

51:10

be present sexually and I want to have

51:12

great sex. I want to be connected. I want to

51:15

prioritize it. And so if I look at it that

51:17

way, it's like, it just maybe just that's important.

51:19

What I, you know, like, like these things that I think I always

51:22

have, like what is perfection in bodies anyway, and

51:24

no one's ever really looking at you like that. And I know

51:26

that we look at porn and all that is disruptive. So

51:28

like stop following the people in social media that

51:30

say, make you feel bad, stop watching porn

51:33

of bodies and make

51:33

you feel bad. Like you, we, we

51:36

are in control of what we put in our environments,

51:38

right? To, we can program our brains

51:40

like a, like a news channel, right? Like

51:43

I was like, I'm, I am a

51:45

computer with computer programs, which

51:47

means I can be reprogrammed, but

51:50

it doesn't like, unfortunately I

51:52

can't just put like a new, where we were to put

51:54

in, remember the old diss SIM card floppy

51:58

disk to be like a new program.

51:59

Like I have to actually do

52:01

some work around that or a lot of work or forever

52:03

work around that and and eventually the work can

52:06

Feel like joyful fun playful,

52:08

you know, so there's more to it. Okay, let's move to

52:10

number five lucky number five five alive

52:14

collaboration This

52:16

is a huge one I mean you would know how we will

52:18

do not talk about sex at all with

52:21

their partners I mean, this is what I hear people all

52:23

the time We've been together for 20 years and

52:25

I've never talked to my partner about sex or when I try

52:28

they shut me down And it's really just

52:30

encouraging partners to be great collaborators.

52:32

You'd be great communicators to each other talk

52:34

about

52:34

your sex life It's going to help you have better sex

52:37

I have a lot of scripts in the book for couples

52:39

because I realized that people Like

52:41

finally after people listen to the podcast like they're

52:43

like, okay, I get it. I get it But

52:45

what do I actually say so I

52:47

have scripts for giving constructive feedback.

52:50

I have scripts for having awkward conversations I

52:52

have scripts for you know, asking for what you

52:54

want I have scripts for explaining your fantasies like I

52:56

get into it So you could really like feel

52:59

like a better collaborator And I

53:01

talk about the sexual state of the union and

53:03

that partner should have that like once a month or whenever

53:06

I hate to Give people like us or even if it's once a quarter,

53:08

but like how we do it with our sex life What's

53:11

been the highlights what we want to try more of

53:13

let's grab that yes No, maybe list and see

53:15

what we haven't done yet or has it changed, you know

53:17

So I just think realizing that sex

53:19

is about the two of you It's not about one person

53:22

and and it's I found that in

53:24

many times that there's one person

53:26

who's carrying all the weight of the sexual Relationship

53:29

and they're trying to get their weather partner to talk about

53:31

her to do something and I can't it's frustrating

53:34

It's like you're both in it Like are you

53:36

gonna opt out of parenting or you gonna opt out

53:38

of housework? You can't be like I'm no longer gonna

53:40

be a parent with you Like no, like I you can't

53:42

say I'm no longer gonna participate

53:44

in our sex life and talk to you about anything It's like it's

53:47

our duty in a relationship to talk about

53:49

our sex because that's what's going to help

53:51

you continue to stay connected Have

53:53

healthy sex have better sex feel

53:56

good in your body's like it's also important. And so

53:58

the communication chapter in the book

53:59

is quite massive. Yeah.

54:03

And preach like that. I was like mic

54:05

drop right now. It's like a mic drop moment

54:07

because all

54:08

of those five pillars are,

54:11

I think that you really did a great job

54:13

of breaking down the essentials,

54:15

the fundamentals of what it does take

54:17

to break through your own barriers,

54:20

which it sounds like. And

54:22

as we all can attest to your doctor,

54:24

Emily, Amy's, I've

54:26

mixed you two up today. I mean, I'm not a heart

54:29

that you're a sex educator. I'm

54:32

on my journey of teaching the world about

54:34

sex toys and having a sex toy company. And

54:36

these are all things that, that you think that we'd

54:38

be the sexual Vixens or

54:41

these like all figured out

54:43

the thing is we don't, we don't continuously

54:46

learn. We're our own students. And

54:48

it's the me search again that you were talking about.

54:51

And I love that. And I did want to tell you,

54:53

Emily, the one book, because I am so

54:56

on your page with like a lot of what you spoke

54:59

about with the headiness and I get in my

55:01

own way all the time and take things personally

55:03

and the five agreements. It was

55:05

the four agreements and the fifth one. Now later. Yeah.

55:09

It's the five agreements now, but I've learned so much from

55:11

that book and it's a tiny book. And I was like, Oh my

55:13

God, I live, I write it down and I look at the

55:15

five agreements. Um, usually the four,

55:17

but the fifth one's like kind of, it's like a longer

55:19

one. But that's helped me through because

55:22

I'll go through processes where I take things personally,

55:24

no matter what. And it's like the hardest one for

55:26

you. I take everything

55:28

personally in the bedroom, in

55:31

the boardroom, where the fuck I am at the

55:34

CVS when I'm checking out, I'm like,

55:36

Oh, that person that I think

55:38

that

55:38

person didn't like I said, hello. Cause

55:41

I see, I'm like, April's so, so, so fabulous to

55:43

be in social with people and you're such

55:49

a connector. You have these times you're like,

55:51

do they even like me? Am I doing, you

55:53

know, like, is, or what they said is offensive. I'm

55:56

saying that too, that really hit home for me because

55:58

you saying that. And I think.

55:59

of you as such this sexual goddess and you

56:02

know so many things. And I

56:04

love that, that you are so vulnerable

56:06

to, to speak about

56:09

how you have

56:10

difficulties in your own sexual world.

56:13

And thank you for sharing that. Thank you. I

56:15

do not. And I actually get from people go, you must

56:17

know it all. I'm like, no, I, I work

56:20

on this all the time. Even my boyfriend's

56:22

like, well, now that we're driving right now,

56:24

this is what you always say is the best time to have a sex talk. Like he

56:26

had a full on sex talk. I'm

56:28

like, oh Jesus. He's like, I

56:30

trained him so well. I did. And

56:33

so what I'm saying is I never want people to put me on

56:35

that pedestal at all, because what I'm saying

56:37

is it takes work, just like anything, like your health

56:39

routine, I like, sometimes

56:40

you go to the gym every week and sometimes you don't go for

56:42

a while, like it saved their sex life. And so,

56:45

yeah, I want to be the first to say, like, I know a lot of

56:47

information, but at least I know how to, how to

56:49

work on it now. But yeah, I know I, I struggle just

56:51

like everybody else to keep my desire

56:53

up to remember, to initiate,

56:56

to make time for it when I'm exhausted,

56:58

you know, all the things. So yeah, I mean,

57:00

it's, and that's why I want to say it's that like, I'm

57:02

at this sex IQ level of a

57:05

billion points and no one will ever get there. It's

57:07

really more of like a catchy way of thinking like, do

57:10

I have sexual curiosity is really sexual

57:12

intelligence. It's really like, am I curious? And

57:14

these are the areas that are going to help you feel much

57:17

more whole sexually.

57:19

Yes. We need two hours or three hours.

57:22

I'm like, yeah, I don't, we get to hang

57:24

out with in person. We already planned a day, a day altogether

57:26

for next month. Yes. We have a date. So, um,

57:29

and I totally agree with everything

57:31

that you said about that. I mean, the, the, the

57:33

journey. And I think that, um, you

57:35

know, I love your realness and I do think

57:38

there are humans out there, I'm not going to say names, but

57:40

they claim to know everything and they are in the sex

57:43

education field or they are in the

57:45

sexual or sorry, not health, but health field

57:47

or the wellness field, you know, the people like I

57:49

am, I know everything I'm the guru. This is

57:51

the way you do it. And this is the only way. And,

57:54

uh, especially when it comes to sex, when I hear

57:56

those people, I'm like,

57:57

Oh, yeah, no, that's like that. I'm like, okay.

57:59

Nope, you are not my show.

58:02

We should break it down Before

58:05

but I will say names. Oh, yeah,

58:07

I'll tell you after the show, but I

58:09

can't wait to hear what it is We can't tell

58:11

you later But so just for other people

58:13

listening right now, you know, you listen to shame with

58:16

sex You listen sex with Emily you read Emily's

58:18

book You know knowing and Emily's being

58:20

honest about this and so are we is is like no

58:23

one should ever claim to know everything Yes,

58:25

we can be maybe experts

58:27

or specialists or more knowledgeable because we've

58:29

dedicated Dedicated more time and learning

58:32

or practicing and even our

58:35

approaches what we learned in practice Might

58:37

be different from someone else even a specialist has

58:40

arguments in her relationship, right and she's

58:42

a relationship. Yes expert

58:46

Fullist so I guess what you're saying is it's not

58:48

and well, yeah No, we don't know everything we don't know what people's

58:50

experiences are in the relationship But also I think

58:53

what we're saying is like we're also human

58:55

and we have the same struggles and like it's

58:57

not like every time We go into the bedroom. We're like, all

58:59

right. It's a god and like I'm swinging from the rafters

59:01

and all these things are happening No, it's like

59:04

we are real people with the real struggles around sex

59:06

But we might know how to like

59:09

troubleshoot it now But it doesn't mean by any means

59:11

that we are the yeah, we know we know it all

59:13

and do it all every time So yeah, yeah

59:16

Yeah, totally. I love that and I and that's why

59:18

I yeah Love I love you

59:20

and your podcast and I just love it Yeah anyways We

59:23

will get so I one more question before we

59:25

learn more about where we can buy your book and how people

59:27

can listen to Sex with Emily and all the things

59:29

and it's because I read this in your book and

59:32

I just want to know more about this So what's

59:34

a pleasure thief and are they trying

59:37

to steal my pirates booty? They

59:42

might they might try to see your booty's pleasure There's

59:44

all these things so my book is really all

59:46

about pleasure. It's that pleasure is productive the more pleasure we

59:48

have in our life And the more we make time for pleasure.

59:50

We're actually gonna have better happier more fulfilling lives, but we put pleasure on

59:53

the back burner We

59:55

think we don't deserve it. We think we have to check everything thing

1:00:00

off the list before we can have pleasure. And

1:00:02

I'm not even just talking about sexual pleasure. I've never had

1:00:04

any pleasure like hanging out with friends, going

1:00:07

to a shower head party, going for a walk,

1:00:09

going to whatever, right? Like those things. So anyway,

1:00:12

what I realized is the problem is like also

1:00:14

to give people a sex book. It felt very irresponsible

1:00:16

in smart sex to just say like,

1:00:19

go for it. Have great sex. When I realized

1:00:21

that there are these pleasure blocks and the things

1:00:23

that are stealing your pleasure, the pleasure thieves,

1:00:25

and there are three areas identified in

1:00:27

the book and I kind of break them down a lot more, but

1:00:30

what is stress and anxiety? I

1:00:32

don't think that people are as aware of the fact

1:00:35

that when you have a lot of anxiety, a lot of stress,

1:00:37

your cortisol spikes, your hormones

1:00:40

drop. They're not your testosterone,

1:00:43

your estrogen, and like your, your

1:00:45

stress hormones are like reeling through your body.

1:00:47

It's going to be really hard to be in the mood for sex when

1:00:49

you are chronically anxious and stressed like

1:00:52

many of us. And then the other

1:00:54

one is trauma. As we talked about,

1:00:56

like untreated trauma is going to impact

1:00:58

your sex life. And then shame. I

1:01:00

mean, shame is a huge one. I mean,

1:01:02

shame is like, I would

1:01:05

say one of the most challenging, insidious.

1:01:09

Pleasure thieves that we don't really realize. And that's

1:01:11

culturally religiously feeling

1:01:14

bad for feeling sexual because

1:01:16

of early messaging or messaging from a partner.

1:01:19

So all of those things, I help people

1:01:21

sort of work through those in the books of them,

1:01:23

we can get into actually having

1:01:26

smarter sex and less pleasure thieves,

1:01:28

less pleasure thieves. Again, they

1:01:31

don't ever go away completely. Nothing

1:01:33

does. I think I want to normalize that too. Tell you're like, my

1:01:35

shame's got me. Maybe shame, shame can get a lot

1:01:37

smaller, but just recognizing

1:01:39

it. And like, what can I do to manage it? How

1:01:41

can I manage this? Here's new shame. I feel all

1:01:43

clear. And then all of a sudden someone made some comment

1:01:45

about the fact that I fired during sex and now I'm

1:01:47

super nervous about my ass. There's

1:01:50

always more, but then you know how to work on it. Exactly. Yeah, exactly.

1:01:53

More work. It's such a cyclical

1:01:55

process. Yes. Which it's always

1:01:57

a work in progress. And.

1:01:59

If anybody out there is a working

1:02:02

human and you're working to, you know, have

1:02:05

a life on planet earth, you understand that you,

1:02:07

it takes work to do anything. It takes work to run a

1:02:10

company. It takes work to have a sex life. It takes

1:02:12

work to have a relationship. It takes work to have children. It takes

1:02:14

work to do things. And so if you really

1:02:16

care about yourself, you'll

1:02:18

do the work on yourself. And if you really care about

1:02:21

your, your sexuality and your, and

1:02:23

your sex life and your relational

1:02:25

life with your, with your partner, I think

1:02:28

it's important to do this work. And that's why buying

1:02:29

Emily's book, which

1:02:32

is so smart sex, which is so

1:02:34

pivotal that you can use again and again, smart

1:02:36

sex

1:02:38

by Dr. Emily Morris. We,

1:02:40

we received an advanced company

1:02:43

and fucking loved what

1:02:46

we read. So great. You

1:02:48

are really, you're just changing.

1:02:50

I also, I was a masterclass

1:02:53

subscriber when masterclass was a thing during 2020. And

1:02:56

when I saw, I took your masterclass

1:02:59

because I love you so much. And

1:03:01

I, I was like, I just want to see, and everything

1:03:03

that you said was so pivotal

1:03:06

to, I think where

1:03:08

all of us that are educators on

1:03:10

this planet, that sex educators and

1:03:12

beyond, uh, want to be. And, and I think

1:03:15

that you really are embodying that. And you

1:03:17

said, I want folks to talk about

1:03:19

sex, like they talk about the weather and I'll never,

1:03:21

I'll never forget that. I'll always remember that because

1:03:24

I think that's what you're doing. And you've done

1:03:26

it well, Emily. And congratulations

1:03:29

on this book. Yeah. To everyone,

1:03:31

regardless of your, your gender, your

1:03:33

orientation, the type of sex you're

1:03:35

having, if you're not having sex, if you're not in it, like

1:03:37

there's so many

1:03:38

things. Well, you do like, I'm a person, I'm not trying

1:03:40

to say what you should do. So, so that was,

1:03:42

yeah, thank you also. Yeah. Amy's like so

1:03:44

good about like, we're like, we love you guys. You're

1:03:49

just the best. So your book is obviously

1:03:52

available anywhere. However, where can people

1:03:54

buy it? Where would you prefer they buy it? How

1:03:56

can they find your podcast? If you have

1:03:58

it and does.

1:03:59

Also your social handles and any

1:04:02

other things that you'd like to share. You want to come

1:04:04

with us on our retreat to Costa Rica. Hey,

1:04:08

I do want to go to Costa Rica. Oh

1:04:10

my God. No, we'll talk about it after the show. Yeah.

1:04:13

In November. Yeah. Sex with Emily.com

1:04:15

is where you find everything. We have a lot of free downloadable

1:04:18

guys. We've got the yes, no, maybe list. We have all the things.

1:04:20

Sexily.com. My podcast sex with Emily

1:04:23

comes out twice a week on all the podcast platforms,

1:04:25

wherever you get podcasts. And my book

1:04:27

is smart sex. You can buy it on Amazon,

1:04:29

wherever

1:04:29

you buy your books. It really helps to buy it from indie

1:04:32

bookstores though. And if you click

1:04:34

on the link on my website, you can find it there. What

1:04:37

else? We have a sex IQ quiz and

1:04:39

oh, I have a new shop that I just launched on my website

1:04:42

where it's sort of a curated small little shop

1:04:44

that just has some of my, my favorite things and

1:04:46

toys and sex accessories and all the

1:04:48

things. And it has hot octopus and has

1:04:50

a relube and all the things we love. Sex

1:04:53

sex with Emily.com. Right. Yeah. Sex

1:04:55

with Emily.com. You're pretty easy to find.

1:04:58

But just everyone, just look up sex with

1:04:59

Emily. She got all the check

1:05:02

marks, everyone. She's legit and you put

1:05:04

out great content every week, almost

1:05:06

every day. Really. I'm always wondering

1:05:09

when Emily sleeps. Emily's sleep.

1:05:11

This is Emily. She's always

1:05:13

like, Oh, you're out there. You're doing

1:05:15

fantastic things. So thank you. Right

1:05:18

back at you. Yeah. Thank you, Emily. We

1:05:20

just love you. We're going to see you in LA. And

1:05:23

everyone go check out sex with

1:05:25

Emily by her book.