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1:20

Hello, you're listening to Shag Mountain Ode

1:22

with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband,

1:24

Christopher Ramsey. Hello! But for how long?

1:26

Who knows? Wow. Still saying that, are we?

1:30

Threatening that, are we? Eh?

1:32

Or should I say still dangling that

1:34

carrot? Listen, if these guys lived in our

1:36

house, they'd be saying, they'd be taking

1:38

us to another room and saying, you should

1:40

leave him. Really? Do you think? Yeah.

1:42

After your debacle, I didn't want to talk about

1:45

it. You've talked about it straight away. So

1:49

let's set the scene up. In my head, I was

1:51

like, I'm not going to mention it. Might as well.

1:53

Let's set the scene. So the scene

1:55

is, it's the Easter holidays. We are

1:57

recording this on the 3rd, April the

1:59

3rd. Wednesday? I believe it's Wednesday the

2:01

3rd. Children sort of

2:04

were a bit of a pain in the arse

2:06

to get rid of today. Ria didn't want to

2:08

go to your mums, Robin's going to a holiday

2:11

club thing. Ria's been really poorly. All Easter weekend

2:13

he's had a horrendous stomach bug.

2:15

He's had the shit like nothing of him at the end. He's had

2:17

diarrhoea to the point where like

2:19

they take him to hospital because he had blood in his poo. He had

2:21

blood in his poo.

2:24

Ran 111, told them all the symptoms. That's

2:26

some mad questions on 111. I think it's

2:28

great. I think it's a very good service. Well

2:30

they've got to ask because... Mad questions. I think

2:33

it's because so many different people with so many

2:35

different levels of knowledge

2:38

on children, on health, on everything. Do

2:40

you know what I mean? Yeah. No, I'm not complaining. Yeah, but

2:43

they've got to ask everything because they could be like, you

2:45

know, I don't know, is

2:47

he shaking? Well yeah, but he's always shaking.

2:50

Like you know, stuff like that. They've got

2:52

to cover everything. But I get it, yes,

2:54

mad. So the lady was asking all the

2:56

questions and then she... The

2:59

reason I ran was because he had a little

3:01

bit of blood in his poo which was bad

3:03

and you think, oh that's not good. And

3:06

anyway, she was like, right, okay, it's come

3:08

out that he needs an ambulance. And you

3:10

know when you're like, oh my God, what

3:12

the fuck? He was just sitting eating a

3:14

pancake the poor kid. And I'm like, oh.

3:16

But then... When they say ambulance, you shit your pants.

3:18

Yeah, shit my pants. And then I was like, okay,

3:20

but... And then I said, we would take

3:23

them because I was like, I think it's quicker for us to take

3:25

them. But then I was like, but then

3:27

they put it on you, doesn't it? I was like, if

3:29

an ambulance comes, at least he's in an ambulance if anything

3:31

horrific happens. Yeah. Well you always go to the worst with

3:33

your child. But then she said, yes, but the

3:35

ambulance could take up to two hours. And I

3:37

was like, how serious is this?

3:39

Well I think they offer them for A, to

3:42

make sure you bring them to the hospital. Yeah. In case, you

3:44

know, there's some parents out there who go, oh fuck, he's fine,

3:46

he hasn't had shit for five minutes. Yeah. I'll have a can

3:48

of lager at ten in the morning. Yeah. There is them kind

3:51

of people. Okay. Do you know what I mean? And also, people

3:53

don't have cars. So you could have went,

3:55

I'll come, yeah, but we've got to get three buses in a

3:57

matter of... A hat and he's not well. Yeah. So when they

3:59

said the ambulance... It'll be two hours. You quite

4:01

rightly said, but I can drive them in 10 minutes

4:03

and we'll do that then. It's just something they offer.

4:05

Again, they've got to offer across the board. Anyway, it

4:07

was a little doubt. And, killed

4:11

the morning. And it's much better

4:14

now. But it was a very bad,

4:16

really bad bug, wasn't it? Really bad. We

4:18

didn't catch a touch word. Do you know how much,

4:20

like, debt hole, God love

4:22

debt hole. Have you not seen,

4:25

my hands are bleeding off washing them. Yeah, I was

4:27

like, please do not let me catch this bug. The

4:30

biggest twist of irony ever, my hands were

4:32

bleeding so much when I was in the supermarket the

4:34

other day. I bought the moisturiser

4:36

for working hands. Oh,

4:38

I thought you bought that for me, brother. Is that for you?

4:40

No, it's literally like proper men who do work.

4:42

You do not do any sort of physical

4:45

labour at all. Yes, brick layers, proper men. Like

4:47

the builder's working on your mum's house. Yeah. And

4:49

now I'm like, and, ah, I

4:51

wash my hands too much because I don't want to

4:53

get the poos. So can I have this working hand?

4:55

Literally, they should have quizzed us at this till and

4:57

not gave us that. Sorry, you do podcasts and stand up

4:59

every once in a blue moon. You fucking get out

5:01

of here, you don't deserve this. Anyway, I've got that.

5:04

So. Sorry, just to let you all know that way,

5:06

that way. We've had a bit of a, bit

5:08

of an intense weekend. So everyone, everyone who kept saying it

5:10

was have a nice Easter, raging,

5:12

absolutely raging, East Eckenfugrath, or Bangkok-Essingfugrath. I know

5:14

I'm in the mine already, but I hate

5:16

them. I feel like I should be, I

5:18

feel pressured to do something and I feel

5:20

guilt that I'm not doing stuff and everyone's

5:22

doing things. And then also I feel massively

5:25

left out because me Bangkok-easts used to just be

5:27

going out on the piss. Oh, I know. And

5:29

they were fucking a mate. Can you remember, I'm

5:32

sure we've talked about before, the club in South

5:34

Shields was called Avisa. Now it's Mambo's, the restaurant,

5:36

really nice. But when it was a club,

5:38

it used to open. From two o'clock, yeah. Ten! Ten

5:41

in the morning on Friday. Never there from ten o'clock in

5:43

the morning. It was amazing. It was like I was out,

5:45

yeah. God! I know. you

5:48

were starting drunk, you came out, it was still fucking bright light. It was like

5:50

two in the afternoon. I know. You were like,

5:52

oh my God. I am at the minute and

5:54

listen, we love we're kids so

5:56

much, like so much. I would die for my

5:59

children, but there were- I miss my

6:01

life, yes. Well,

6:03

I think every single parent out there with young children

6:06

can completely- Yeah, but we can, but I think a

6:08

lot of people don't admit it. Yeah, but you

6:10

think you're annoying. And that's fine, because we're living

6:12

a world where, you know, you're made to

6:14

feel shit about it. I'm telling you,

6:16

you're allowed to miss it, and I miss it. I

6:19

just miss, like, just the

6:21

randomness and the spontaneity of life.

6:23

But at the same time, I

6:26

love my kids. You

6:30

wouldn't change it for the world, but I think I remember-

6:32

I wouldn't. I remember Carl and- I do miss it. When

6:34

Carl was having, Carl's got a little daughter, Lily, obviously, when

6:36

Sophie was pregnant. And I remember Carl said it

6:38

was what's it like, and I said, the best way I can sum it

6:40

up is, it's shit but brilliant. The

6:43

best way I can sum up a parent, it's shit but brilliant. It's

6:45

shit but you wouldn't, it's shit but you're buzzing with it, like,

6:47

at times- It's bad, isn't it? Yeah, it's amazing. But

6:50

it's- Because I've never felt loved

6:52

like it, and I've never felt like, I've never

6:54

cried like, like, they make me laugh, like, I've

6:56

never laughed before. But then at the

6:58

same time, it's so hard, and it's

7:00

so, it's like, it's grueling,

7:03

and it's intense. But

7:05

then I do think we've got quite intense

7:08

children, which doesn't help with that. Oh, and children

7:10

are hugely intense. And back to- Back

7:12

to the crux of this that you were going to

7:14

talk about. So, backstory dealt with, here we go. So,

7:16

we wouldn't go anywhere this morning, we finally got Rafe

7:18

away, and then Robin, as I'm packing his bag for

7:20

his little holiday club, I opened the cupboard. Oh, God,

7:22

for holiday clubs, by the way. Oh, holiday club, whoop

7:24

whoop. I opened the cupboard, and I got a little

7:26

pack of crisps, little salt and vinegar crisp thing shapes,

7:28

and I went here, Robin, I went, oh, look, I

7:30

went, last pack of crisps in the cupboard for your

7:32

school club. Your mum was saving them, but for the

7:34

last pack of crisps, you're going to have to take

7:36

these. And you- No.

7:39

You, Mrs. Right. Went

7:41

off it. They're from Mark's, right? They're

7:43

like a salt and vinegar combo. Again,

7:45

stop spending good money on Marks and spend-

7:48

Christmas only. I must have a bad word

7:50

said again. Yeah, no, they're brilliant, but it's a treat. Well,

7:53

that's what I took. They were off the trip the other day when I

7:55

went with Wraith. So, they're not a treat, it's lush. You

8:00

get a big bag of random shapes that I'm gonna get.

8:02

I really like them, right? There

8:04

was one packet left, and yesterday, you tried to give them

8:06

to Robin, and there was other stuff, and I said, can

8:09

I keep them? I really like them. I would like

8:11

to have them at some point, right? Bought

8:14

them with my own money that I trudge

8:16

out to work for. Our money, you work from

8:18

home. Fair enough, but it's still

8:21

my money as well, right? Am I not allowed

8:23

to own anything in this life? This is the

8:25

problem, right? This is the problem. All

8:28

I'm upset about is the fact that you were

8:30

just so flippantly like, your mom wanted these, but

8:32

there you go. Like I

8:34

don't have any right over

8:36

anything anymore. Okay. If

8:38

you said the name. I could've got you some on

8:40

the way back, but just because you're child needed Chris, for he's the holy club,

8:42

that's all it was. Don't even dare. You hadn't asked for any Chris

8:45

at all. I gave him Chris just day when he went, that's the

8:47

only thing I thought he had. But then when he turned round and

8:49

said, we don't need snacks, I was like, no bother. But you kept

8:51

a hold of that argument until I went and dropped them off, and

8:53

I came back, must talk for half an hour. You're still fuming when

8:55

you came back, and you dropped it, and you brought a pack up

8:57

on the podcast. Because I just feel

8:59

like I've lost my whole self. Because

9:01

of a bag of fucking Chris. Yes. I'm

9:04

not bothered. No, because then I won't eat them all

9:06

in one sitting. But the thing is, I've just, what

9:09

point of life are you just, like, well, just talk

9:11

about when your life just passes you by, like now,

9:14

I'm not allowed to have anything in this house.

9:16

Nothing is mine. No,

9:18

I've got things to do. You've got protein bars in the cupboard, no one touches them.

9:20

Robin absolutely takes a bite of every

9:22

single one out. Well, you have one left. Oh!

9:27

What? The face has dropped. I can see your

9:29

face, and you better be honest here. Put your

9:31

fingers out, you better be honest. You've

9:33

got one protein bar left. You're looking forward to it.

9:36

I see it, Robin. Oh, Daddy wanted this,

9:38

but there you go. Put it in your

9:40

bag. They literally do them at the shop

9:42

around the corner. I'll pop the shop and get one. Fuck off. Whatever.

9:46

Whatever. I don't believe that for a second. And

9:48

can we talk about the fact that you also claimed that I

9:50

was gaslighting you, and that I didn't want you to have the Chris?

9:52

Oh yeah, because you live like a monk now. Yeah. But you

9:54

claim that. And you're looking down on me, because I

9:57

still eat Chris. You claim that I did want you

9:59

to have them. for some kind of

10:01

past-life, weird game thing, which is so

10:03

offensive, because I did not stop you

10:05

yesterday. I didn't stop you when you,

10:07

let's tell everyone. No, no, let's tell

10:10

everyone. I wouldn't go for the crisps.

10:12

I wouldn't start at the crisps. I

10:14

would start somewhere else. I would probably

10:16

start at yesterday afternoon, where you bought

10:18

two Easter eggs off

10:21

our eight-year-old for 10 pounds. I

10:24

swear to God, that's what you did, guys. That's what this whole

10:26

thing's been building up to. Rosie

10:29

Ramsey yesterday bought cash money

10:31

off her eight-year-old child two

10:34

Easter eggs for 10 pounds, like a

10:37

fucking Mr. Beast video. Hey, Roebuck. He

10:40

got Roebuck, $9.99, Roebuck.

10:44

And it was worth every penny. He had no certain reason.

10:46

He used to go, where did they come from? You went, I've

10:48

just bought them off Robin. You went, man, I'm getting 10 pounds

10:50

by two Easter eggs. I went, this is,

10:52

I'm living

10:54

in a lawless fucking wasteland. Yeah,

10:57

but I haven't ate them both. And you

10:59

know for a fact, if he sees them, I'm gonna have to

11:01

hide them and be dressing them, because if he sees them, he'll

11:03

be like, I want them back and I'll have to say it.

11:05

I bought them off your fair and square and that'll turn into

11:07

an argument that I can't be bothered to have. They're all gonna be

11:09

really sad when I've got to give our son five pound to buy his

11:11

own Easter egg back off his mom. I

11:14

know it'll be gone by then. It'll be gone by the end of

11:16

the day. Honestly. I know it was quite bad.

11:18

See, Rafe, I can get away with eating Rafe. Robin knows. Oh,

11:20

and the little, yeah. Robin knows now. Yeah. And

11:22

I can't, don't say anything. You nearly, well, did you? This

11:25

morning when my mom came, she

11:28

was like, oh, first, shut up. Oh, right. Oh.

11:32

Oh, fucking hell. Oh,

11:34

shit. Oh, come on. It's

11:37

just a bit much though. Why? No,

11:39

not for you and Easter for kids. Like

11:43

every single relative and friend got the kids in

11:45

Easter egg. Did you? Did you? Because,

11:47

ah, fuck. I didn't buy anything. These other videos, I

11:49

didn't get them. Fuck that. No, stop doing

11:52

that. It used to be worse. It used to be like

11:54

when your friendship groups first start having kids and you buy

11:56

for the kids, but then, then, then the end of being

11:58

11 kids and you're like, oh, we're not buying. I don't

12:00

believe anymore and everyone agrees. So now we don't do

12:02

anything. We've covered this on the podcast, The Cursed Christmas when

12:04

you and the other mums all decided not to buy anything

12:06

for the children. Yeah, The Cursed Christmas,

12:08

I remember that. It was a good idea. The mother's

12:10

meeting that is all hard. Shall we just make sure

12:12

every single one of our children gets one less present?

12:14

Yeah, let's see, that can't be fucking asked now. No,

12:17

it can't be asked either. Yeah, good, there we go.

12:19

So 10 pounds for two Easter eggs. How much would you

12:21

buy a selection box often for? Oh,

12:24

how long is it after Christmas? Oh,

12:27

it's February. It

12:30

starts off a number. What do

12:32

you mean? Well, it depends, because I could

12:34

just go, there's something about Easter egg chocolate.

12:37

Right, okay. That just really... All right, here we

12:39

go then. Okay, yeah, okay, okay. Definitely going in

12:41

a good way. So it's February.

12:43

Yeah. Right, it's nighttime. You've

12:46

just had some dinner. Yeah. You've

12:48

had something, you know, you've been really good. You've had

12:50

like salmon and steamed vegetables. And quinoa, no. No, no,

12:52

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

12:54

Oh my God, okay. Nothing like that. And

12:57

you're sitting there. Yeah. And Robin

12:59

comes, No, you're actually fine. You're just

13:01

sitting, watching the telly. Robin's been in his bedroom. He comes down and goes,

13:04

ma'am, you see what I found in bed

13:06

from this? This must be off Christmas. Oh,

13:08

she's a full unopened advent calendar. Oh Jesus.

13:10

Oh God, that's the same kind of... Yeah, yeah,

13:12

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He comes down and he

13:14

goes, ma'am, which are gonna pay us for this. I

13:17

mean, firstly, I'd say you little twat. Who the fuck do you

13:19

think you are? Right. You speak to your mother like

13:21

that. Great. I give you 25 pounds. 25 pounds! 25

13:24

pounds! 20 months! That's right, that's

13:26

right! Ha ha! I

13:29

mean, no, I thought I was, no, I had two pounds. No,

13:32

no, no, he says, nah. I think I'll just eat myself and

13:34

just open one of the windows and just hide one of the

13:36

chocolate. Oh God. And you go, can I have at least one?

13:38

He goes, nah, nah. Sounds like

13:40

him. Yeah. So, where you going? 25

13:42

is not enough. How far are you going for this? 25 pounds? I'm

13:45

not going any higher than 25. Oh, okay. No,

13:47

I've got to teach him a lesson. I'll just be down

13:49

with David. No, he sits down and he starts eating them

13:51

one by one. Dead story looking at you. Don't worry though,

13:53

I go to the kitchen, I come over. Oh look, I've

13:55

got some 70% coke, dark chocolate for you. Quite like that.

13:58

Do you though? Yeah. Some sea salt. I

14:00

mean how much talking at

14:02

the Avancarna? Yeah. Tell

14:04

you what, Mummy, there's actually, what about ten? There's ten

14:06

at the Avancarna. So you'll put them in a bowl

14:08

for you, shake them. How much? 50

14:11

quid. No? Not happening? No?

14:14

I'm in front of you then. Eat them in front of you?

14:16

40 quid? No. 30

14:18

quid. Maybe. But no, no, it's got

14:20

to be, no, because I've still tried to teach me to, by

14:23

the way, she will go into the actual podcast

14:25

and we'll talk about other stuff. Okay then, yeah,

14:27

oh that's a good cliffhanger. Hey, hey, stay tuned for...

14:29

No! Other stuff. It's

14:31

about YouTube. Oh great, oh God. Just, no,

14:33

about just YouTubers now. Well we've banned

14:36

it again. We'll keep letting it back in real life. We'll

14:38

ban it again. We'll ban it again. Wait for the jingle and

14:40

hear why. God almighty. But

14:42

before we go to the jingle, obviously it is time

14:44

for this week's lucrative loot response, first of all, thanks

14:46

to episode 263. Thank you so much for listening, thank

14:48

you so much for being here, we do love you.

14:51

Obviously click like or subscribe or follow or whatever the fuck it

14:53

is on your podcast things. Again, I don't

14:55

really know why but apparently it's a good thing. But it's time

14:58

for this week's lucrative sponsor, Rosie. You listening? I

15:00

am. This week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor

15:02

is something that's happened to me a few times in

15:04

life. Might have happened to you. Maybe

15:07

you can relate. It's this week's lucrative sponsor

15:10

is... Waiting outside

15:12

the chemist for it to open. Oh

15:14

no. Oh, yeah. I've done that.

15:17

I've only dropped off the... I've only dropped off

15:19

the roof at nursery, right? And I've only actually

15:21

need to pop in to get some bongella or

15:23

maybe some suppositories for you. Stop

15:26

telling them that for me. If

15:29

you tell anybody else that works in the shop that

15:31

you are buying Anya Salva may have gone and lose

15:33

my mind. Excuse me, mate. Where's the Anya Salva, the

15:35

wife? That's right. It's just on the edge for the

15:38

wife. Yeah, actually. Nah, not really. I

15:40

used to. I have a few times. You're a

15:42

bit more famous now. I can't really get away with it as much.

15:44

No, I mean, listen. I've just never had piles before. Yeah. I

15:47

really don't think I would deal well with piles. You have

15:49

quite loose poops. Look, there's too much anyway. Listen

15:51

to me. Oh, mate. I've got some

15:53

sort of IBS. When people are like, yeah, I've got a really

15:55

bad tummy. I've had diarrhea. I'm like, I'll have it three times

15:57

a week. You're right. You're right. Not

16:00

normal. Like... No? Apparently

16:02

not. Do you? I've just... I don't know. I'm

16:04

in a bad way if I have diarrhea. It

16:06

upsets me. Me? Really effective. I don't know if

16:08

they do. Yeah? Anyway listen, the reason it's the

16:10

sponsor is because you might be standing outside. I

16:12

stand outside the cameras, I've dropped the bin off,

16:14

I'm just waiting for it to open. It's 15

16:16

minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes until boots open. And

16:18

I'm only going to get some bonger or whatever

16:20

but I feel like I'm... You're there for your

16:23

methodos. I feel like I'm queuing for me drugs.

16:25

And people walk past and they're like, ugh. I

16:27

imagine them going, ugh. Look at him. And

16:29

I'm like, I'm just getting... ...bongella

16:32

and... ...and your soul for the

16:34

wife. I'm not doing

16:36

the drugs. Listen, I wouldn't judge you if

16:38

you were. Just feels... Just very intentional. I suppose,

16:41

yeah. But no, I'm not going to turn at the

16:43

drugs just yet. No, you're not. Anyway, jingle, then you

16:45

hear about why we're following YouTube again. Are you not

16:47

doing drug addicts on the podcast anymore? I don't

16:49

know. Who knows? I don't know. I

16:51

think you're allowed to say it's probably not great to be a

16:53

drug addict. I think that's okay. Is it? God, I don't know.

16:55

I was brilliant now. I was brilliant as well. Oh, hey,

16:58

look, don't upset me. Oh, brilliant. Go on. Stick

17:00

it in your arm. Find one in your foot. Oh,

17:02

good on you. I'm

17:05

sorry. I'm not... As long as you're happy. As long as

17:07

you're happy. Oh, but you're not allowed to put happiness on

17:09

anyone. Oh, no, don't put people to be happy. Don't

17:11

put people to be happy. Okay, I'm sorry. Okay,

17:15

well, as long as you're healthy. Don't press anybody healthy!

17:18

Oh, fuck it all. We had a fight

17:20

about the jingle. Jingle, jingle. We

17:23

couldn't. Jingle, jingle, jingle. So

17:27

this is the jingle, jingle, jingle. We

17:31

hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo,

17:33

babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Jingle, jingle. Hello

17:38

and welcome back. We didn't say

17:40

before, but hope you're all okay. Having

17:43

a nice little... Nice, yeah, I hope you

17:45

had a lovely Easter. Did you have a

17:47

great Easter? No, I didn't have a great

17:49

Easter. What would you be talking about? It was a

17:51

Friday, it was a Saturday, it was a Sunday, and

17:53

then it was a Monday. When I

17:56

needed Anya Sol, and everywhere was fucking

17:58

shut, I couldn't get Anya Sol. all

18:00

right done it again no rosy done

18:02

it done it again we've

18:04

done it again we've commercialized another thing

18:06

oh yeah yeah to turn it yeah when I

18:09

was a kid Easter well I was Catholic actually

18:11

so it was a big thing you went to

18:13

church and whatever right but it was just on

18:15

the Sunday you eat chocolate not

18:17

this whole people have turned into

18:19

this whole every other person I've bought

18:21

every day we're doing Easter every day we did Easter

18:23

I couldn't the garden for the kids it was coming

18:25

back from the dead it was kind of like you

18:27

know couldn't they were screaming at each other we

18:30

didn't know where the eggs were he was kicking off the

18:32

shit yeah Robin was going to find them and then they found

18:34

them all they didn't even like them that much they left them

18:37

outside in the bucket they all melted they all melted in the

18:39

Sun I mean at least we got the Sun that was quite

18:41

nice that was a nice day I think with us in England I think we're

18:47

all just miserable and bit that because the weather

18:49

shit it's just always sorry if

18:52

this is a bit dower but it's pissing down with

18:54

rain today again but the other day it was sunny

18:56

and we were buzzing hi the kite yeah yeah

18:58

and I tell you I'm not buzzing about well this

19:00

is a thought I was having for years now because

19:02

every time I go to my mom dad's house I'd

19:05

drink off a certain cup that I've got in an

19:07

Easter egg years ago why don't

19:09

they do mugs in Easter eggs anymore I'm

19:11

sure they do every every single Easter

19:13

egg back in the day you've got a mug

19:15

a mug yeah it was a me and now I drink

19:18

more tea and coffee though I did when I was six

19:20

yeah no mugs no I don't

19:22

know with not none honestly

19:24

there was so many amazing different novelty mugs you

19:26

got I got a Mario one I got a

19:29

sonic one I got a kid cat one or

19:31

a lot more exciting back in the day wasn't

19:33

there right now we've got kids Chris but

19:35

why is there no mugs why the no mugs with

19:38

cereal bowls cereal bowls were a

19:40

good thing as well you know the toys used to get

19:42

free and cereal as well I was not to stop kids

19:44

wanting cereal fucking hell Robin had the

19:47

road grats on the other day I remember when it

19:49

was either Frosty's or someone's mate

19:51

so what a special one though it didn't happen very often

19:53

I mean it across the road got them I didn't get

19:55

them but Frosty's or someone did the pencil

19:58

top as of the road graph and

20:00

you would get the full set of the Rugrats and the

20:02

pencil top, as well, like, they were amazing. They also did

20:04

ones where the mask, the movie, the mask came out, there

20:06

was a mask pencil top out. I feel

20:09

like my mum, the mum of three,

20:12

couldn't buy those cereals because they would have just

20:14

been ficed. You wouldn't have got that. But I remember looking

20:16

for the toy in the cereal. I

20:18

remember in the adverts, it would open it. It was inside the

20:20

packet. It was inside the packet, in its own little plastic packet.

20:22

Gross. Inside the packet. No, but in the adverts, they poured out

20:25

and they'd go, oh, it falls in the bowl, and they'd go,

20:27

oh my God, you go, fuck off, I've got my, I'm, I'm

20:29

elbow deep. I'm deep in that fucker, I went in the car

20:31

on the way home from Asda. Again, choco-conflakes. It came

20:33

back for a bit, you know, but I didn't see

20:35

them anywhere. Again, it's the health thing in it,

20:37

but the fucking shit we ate when we got...

20:39

...ricicles. Remember, ricicles. Oh my God, getting

20:41

my feet. Ricicles, but even as

20:44

a child, I remember one bowl of ricicles at the end. I

20:46

was like, bit much that, bit sweet. Never.

20:48

Bit sweet. Never. Oh, yeah. Our

20:51

comedy Frosties are still on the shelves. Oh, a

20:53

door Frosties. Oh, amazing. Underneathable. It's

20:55

like having a fucking, it's like having a sticky toffee pudding. It

20:58

is Easter holidays actually, I might get a bad a box

21:00

of cereal. A bad a box? A bad a

21:02

box. A bad box of cereal. A bad a box of cereal.

21:04

A naughty box. A naughty box of cereal. What do you fancy?

21:06

Oh. How about? What's the problem? Oh,

21:08

you're, you're twat now, what do you

21:11

want? Crunching of cornflakes. Just get me some old bran.

21:13

Oh, God. I'll treat myself a little bit

21:15

older. Yeah, go on. No, I'll treat myself

21:17

some old. Get me some old. I hate you. I

21:19

hate you. I'm, I'm just putting you in the old

21:21

bran. What do you want if I get a naughty box? Robin

21:24

likes the Jaws ones from B&M's. Yeah,

21:26

Jaws, he likes Spider-Man from out there as well. Spider-Man, they

21:28

look quite nice. My question is, when there's only one balls

21:30

worth left in that box, how much are you going to

21:33

buy that ball off him for? No. God,

21:35

it's it. Started something that way, wasn't

21:37

I? Oh, I, I. And the thing is, now, Robin,

21:40

he's still cutting them clever. He's going to now start

21:42

like... Oh, he's so clever. He's going to buy stuff

21:44

and then sell it to me. Oh. And then, and

21:46

then you'll go, well, Robin, can I buy that box

21:48

of Frosties off you? And he'll be like, yeah, yeah.

21:50

And you'll open them and you'll realise he's cut them

21:52

with normal cornflakes. Yeah, no, he wouldn't. Like a drug

21:54

dealer? Yeah,

21:57

he would. So

22:00

YouTube, we're talking about it just in the intro,

22:02

we've got rid of it again. It's

22:04

like, it's ridiculous.

22:06

The parent and minefield, I feel like we

22:09

have to go through now, is such a

22:11

crop of shit. And I'm so sick of

22:13

it. And I know it's our responsibility. I'm

22:15

not trying to blame anyone, but at the

22:17

same time, oh, God, there's

22:20

just too much choice and it's driving my children

22:22

mad. And then we have to deal with the

22:24

repercussions of our children's madness. So it's

22:26

because it's not again, I've talked about before, it's because it's

22:29

not on demand. It's not regulated.

22:31

It's on demand, so it's doomscrolling. And it's

22:33

like, you just see what you want. And

22:35

it's not regulated. And it's just every YouTube

22:37

video is just fucking pricks screaming.

22:39

Everything's over the top. Everything's dialed up

22:41

to 11. Oh, my God.

22:45

You're like, oh, fucking hell, guys. It's

22:47

like watching nine hours of Funhouse. Yeah,

22:49

but Funhouse is only on for half an hour. But

22:52

just the bit where they're looking for the stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah,

22:54

yeah. Nine hours of just the bit

22:56

where they're looking for the stuff in the house.

22:58

Endgame of screaming. It's like watching nine hours of

23:00

screaming. Oh, my God, it's true. Oh, God. Shut

23:02

up. Yeah. And then you watch his reaction videos

23:06

of some fucking dick sitting there

23:08

reacting to something. Yeah.

23:11

I thought they were over the edge. I'm sure they're not dicks.

23:13

I'm sure, you know, I've always said YouTube has deserved the money

23:15

to get because the hours that they put in and the editing

23:17

that they do, they put a lot of stuff in. But

23:20

I just want my kid to watch them when he's a bit

23:22

older. Yeah. I'm sure there are. I'm sure they're nice kids. Right.

23:24

But I just want me to watch them. They are. But

23:26

at the same time, they keep saying holy cow. They

23:29

do say holy cow. And Jesus and it's like

23:31

10 years on Easter Sunday. There's

23:34

little kids. Not that little because obviously Rafe

23:36

wouldn't watch that. But Robin's only eight. And

23:39

that's meant to be. Surely argument is that they might

23:41

have put that one. I know. It might be 12.

23:44

Well, anyway, we'll band it again because he

23:46

was watching this one today of this YouTuber

23:49

and he was painting the full school, right, which

23:52

actually was mint. But they kept saying holy cow.

23:54

And then every now and again, he would just

23:56

give kids like a thousand dollars. And I was

23:58

like, this is. Disgusting,

24:01

like why is this teenager just

24:03

giving out money to kids? What

24:05

the actual... And then Robin, I

24:07

said... That's the thing I can't get away with. Disgusting

24:09

and it's so weird. And Robin, I was like, you

24:11

do understand that we don't live in a world where

24:13

people just have money and he's like sticking up for

24:15

the bloke that he doesn't even know on the screen

24:17

and he's literally like, he's a nice guy.

24:19

He's just giving people money. And I'm

24:21

like, that's not the real world. Yeah.

24:23

The real world is not just some

24:25

kid with blue hair giving everyone $1,000.

24:30

It's actually gross. Like I can't,

24:32

I just... Yeah. Maybe

24:35

a court, I'm hormonal, maybe a court is in

24:37

a really weird mood. But I was like, I

24:39

don't want a child watching this young man giving

24:41

people money. It doesn't sit right with me.

24:43

Some of Mr Beast's videos are

24:45

really creative, really clever. And obviously

24:47

does some of them stunts ways,

24:49

fucking healing people's blindness. And

24:53

you can't slag them off for that. It's the flippancy in which

24:55

to give out $10,000 and I want to go, Robin,

24:58

do you know how many times in your life someone's going to come

25:00

and give you $1,000 or nothing? Never. Never. Fucking

25:02

never. Never. And I can go and say you're probably never

25:04

going to be in a position where you're going to be

25:07

able to do that. I mean, if you are, great. And

25:09

if you are, and I catch you giving money,

25:11

you're a gimp fucking mate, a

25:14

thousand pounds for doing something on Minecraft. I'm going

25:16

to put me foot in your fucking computer. I

25:19

just personally, right, like

25:21

you say with Mr Beast, if he's helping people

25:23

who really need it, I don't want to find

25:25

the giving out the money necessary. Yeah, I

25:27

find it. And maybe that's a British thing. I

25:29

don't know whether that's like a working class British

25:31

thing of like, yeah, I find it

25:33

really gaudy and I don't want my child. We are sort

25:36

of quite reserved. I don't want to watch it. Yeah, we

25:38

don't really talk about money. But I don't

25:40

know. I find it odd. And then they

25:42

kept saying, holy cow. What

25:44

one point the lad slapped the lads over their

25:46

head. And I'm just like, this

25:49

is not nobody's regulating this shit. No,

25:51

no, no, I feel terrible because

25:53

we're creators and like, but we're

25:56

adults. We do this, but

25:58

adults are not. So

26:01

anyway, we're back on Monday and it's not

26:03

all bad and it's not gonna be, just

26:05

insane. And

26:07

you spot when you give that kid.

26:10

So this kid randomly sat down at school and

26:12

it was an iPhone 12 and his pencil case,

26:14

right? And this kid was like, oh my God,

26:16

thank you so much. They were like, what are you

26:18

gonna do? No, no, no, no, he was crying. He was crying. But then

26:20

what did you know at the same time, they were, what are you

26:22

gonna do with that iPhone 12? He went, oh

26:25

yeah, I'm gonna keep it for when my iPhone 10

26:27

breaks. I was like, oh God,

26:29

he's already got, he's literally already got on

26:31

top of the range phone and you've just

26:33

given him another one and

26:37

this is the world we live in. It was me.

26:40

I'm gonna keep it for when

26:42

my iPhone 10 breaks. Yeah, it

26:44

was Megan. But I think it's just a

26:46

sort of consumerist, sort of capitalist thing of

26:48

the American videos and just, oh God, yeah.

26:50

It's just like, parents

26:52

out there, does your kid ever hang around with another kid and

26:55

that kid's a bit intense and annoying and

26:57

your kid comes home and acts a bit

26:59

like that kid and it takes a while to

27:01

decompress them. Well, YouTube is basically them hanging

27:03

around with that kid in their own eyes,

27:05

fucking on a loop forever.

27:08

But listen, the end of each of their

27:11

own, if you're fine with it and if

27:13

your kid is fine, then that's fine. But

27:15

our kid... There's kids out there who can get told to

27:17

put their iPad down, they put it down, they walk away and it's fine. Oh, I know.

27:20

You've got that kid fair play. Our eldest child, Robin, is

27:22

a sponge. And

27:24

literally to the point where he's defending people

27:26

on YouTube who are giving out... Well,

27:28

I said, I was like, it's just gave those teachers

27:30

like $10,000 each. I

27:33

was like, that doesn't happen. I was like, that's madness. And

27:36

Robin actually turned to us and went, teachers have got a hard

27:38

job, you know what I'm saying? I'm not

27:41

saying teachers don't have a hard job. They didn't have that

27:43

money, you know what I'm saying? It's

27:45

not real. It's not realistic what happened. Well,

27:47

I listened to something, listen,

27:49

I watched it on Instagram, and it just

27:51

said... And that's another thing you said. You said, I don't want

27:54

you watching YouTube all the time and you went when you watch

27:56

Instagram. I know. And that's when I

27:58

brought out the nearly four... I

28:01

said, I am nearly 40 years old, Robin,

28:03

I can do whatever I want. When you

28:05

are nearly 40 years old, you can do

28:07

whatever you want. But right now you are

28:09

eight years old and you cannot do what

28:12

you want. I went full Sandra Winter. Sorry,

28:14

this is the last thing I'm going to

28:16

say. It's a fact that I hit a thousand pound in

28:18

his school bag, he formed it openly, so

28:20

it is his holiday club. Oh, horrendous. Okay.

28:23

So, I watched something on Instagram a

28:26

little while ago that said, children, nowadays

28:28

children, because they consume so much information,

28:31

they do not know what is real and

28:33

what is fake in life. Yeah.

28:36

I'm not bullshitting you here. They find

28:38

it really, really difficult to know

28:40

what's real and what's fake. Because

28:43

they watch so many like crime videos, they watch so

28:46

much stuff and they don't, so they have no,

28:48

they don't really have much concept of like

28:50

danger. And yeah, it's

28:52

really, it's bad. It's bad. It's

28:54

really bad. So, that's

28:56

just how I'm thinking of it and hope

28:59

you are navigating the hellhole that

29:02

is parenting in a really modern

29:04

digital age. You're listening to

29:06

the UK's comedy podcast, Shark Ride

29:08

or Not. Yeah.

29:13

Comedy. No, I'm going to bring you right back to real life now. Something

29:16

that I never ever thought I would see yesterday,

29:18

I was just chatting to Chris whilst he was at

29:21

the scene. He was cleaning

29:23

out the fridge because he had

29:25

loads of like pots. What was

29:27

it like barbecue from pizzas and

29:29

that? Like the leftover chutneys and

29:31

all that crap. Dips. Pizza

29:34

dips from like all the Domino's and the one they get

29:36

from the shop. They come out with dates. So, obviously I

29:38

don't just throw them in the bin. I empty the garlic

29:40

sauce out, etc. and I recycle the pot after I've cleaned

29:43

it. Captain Planet. He's a

29:45

hero. You've got solar panels now. You

29:47

have got solar panels then. Well done.

29:49

Really, really good for you. So,

29:52

I saw something that I didn't think I'd ever see and

29:54

that was you emptying out a

29:56

pot of hummus with your bare hands.

30:00

Like, yeah, like Winnie the Pooh

30:02

getting honey? Oh my God it was! It

30:05

was all...what? Why didn't you just tap it

30:07

against the bin? I've got like a bit of

30:09

kitchen roll. Two gloopy that, very good homosats from

30:11

Sainsbury's, it's just amazing. It's not Sainsbury's own brand.

30:13

It's the posh one, what's it called? I

30:16

can't, I would have just got like little

30:18

bits, it's got a little... Someone just had

30:20

a bit of oil on the top. Oh,

30:22

that's phenomenal. But yeah, so, didn't, yeah, sorry,

30:24

so I've tapped on the side. I've

30:26

done that numerous times, made that mistake, you just stand

30:28

there, tap my fridges, like you're auditioning for Stump. It

30:31

doesn't come out, and I thought, what's the point in doing a spoon?

30:33

And your hands are already wet, and you were looking. And I went,

30:36

do you want any of this? I thought, just thought I

30:38

just took the moment really, and just yeah, I

30:41

didn't think it would affect you as much as it did, but you were looking at

30:43

me. Oh no! So I'm funny

30:45

with touching stuff, like, I just, yeah,

30:47

I wouldn't be able to... The four fingers scooped the whole lot

30:49

out and then flicked it in the room. Nah, I wouldn't

30:51

have been able to touch that. I would have had to get a bit of

30:53

kitchen roll. Wasn't fun. Do you want a kitchen

30:55

roll? Can't plan it, I don't want a kitchen roll. Don't, dirty utensil, I don't have

30:57

to dirty. So your

30:59

hands are the best utensil. So there you go.

31:02

I don't waste kitchen roll. Have you noticed that? I wash my

31:04

hands. Sounds like you're about to just do some... No, I wash my hands,

31:06

and then I dry them on a bit of kitchen roll, but I will

31:08

keep them bit of kitchen roll all day. I told

31:11

you years ago about Karl Hutchinson, when I had a ride with him,

31:13

when I lived with him, when he got a pizza box. He

31:15

got frozen Goodfellas pizza box out of the freezer,

31:18

and there was frost from the freezer on

31:20

top of the pizza box. And he got,

31:23

I'm not kidding, six or seven bits of kitchen roll. And

31:26

wiped the frost off the box, threw

31:28

the kitchen roll in the bin, took the

31:30

pizza out the box, threw the box in the bin. It's

31:33

madness. So you just wasted the kitchen roll? Well,

31:35

you just got, yeah, wiped the frost, wiped the

31:38

frost with six bits, like so much kitchen

31:40

roll, like, like, you rapped with a fucking duvet, and then threw

31:42

that away, and then threw the box immediately, and I went, what

31:44

the hell are you doing? Madness. You should

31:46

see my brother, that one, he used to wipe his bum with my kids,

31:48

man. Oh my God. Piles of it.

31:51

Oh my God, so much time to roll. And

31:53

then his mum would go off it, like, he would literally just sing

31:55

it round his hand like that. Tiny little

31:57

wipe, hardly anything, and then he would do it

31:59

again. Oh god. He didn't give

32:01

a shit! Literally. Babadoo

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33:42

What's Your Beef? Listen,

33:45

I genuinely thought you were going to leave that

33:47

hummus thing to the beefs. Oh sorry, no. Absolutely.

33:50

I'm, you know, enthralled to say what your beef

33:52

is with me. Because I've been a bloody gen

33:54

this week. Never. Do you know what?

33:56

I don't have any beefs but I've got a couple of

33:58

icks. Oh. You

34:00

create new value. So.

34:03

Nice? Yeah, So. Nice schwab about

34:05

he be anything about your personality but just things why

34:07

I don't find you attractive. Oh yeah film on

34:09

as we had a lot game of monopoly the

34:11

as he. Oh oh yes, Because

34:13

supply us with this. Robin want

34:16

to play Monopoly? Ever been played monopoly for

34:18

about twenty minutes and then helped us so

34:20

that was fun when a goal much I

34:22

love given out thousand pound as. I will

34:24

limit monopoly I suppose. It is actually Chris and

34:27

I kept saying savvy to. Go into as a

34:29

we couple because you started winning and you were

34:31

like let's keep that I was down on nothing.

34:33

I was amazed me off. Than is that

34:35

any detail and I ended up and must just a

34:37

couple of weeks. I've gotten baptists wrote down so we

34:39

will have a sense ends of the table and a

34:42

little bit of a stretch to movie on pieces. One

34:44

I just see you would move main when it was

34:46

on your said about you never let me move your

34:48

was. Not. Once. Did.

34:50

That interest if. Is. Not we're those. Bell

34:53

who was been in her wasn't. Business

34:55

would let me do yourselves on a nice

34:57

area that eight the hit Wanting to hear

34:59

the the next ache with every time you

35:01

landed on something that you own. You.

35:04

Said no place like

35:06

home. Every

35:09

time Chris. As

35:13

we. Grew. Up or

35:15

first the fifth And it was. That was

35:17

me. Monroe grew every time I landed on

35:19

something. That's Odyssey was something I on such

35:21

enough to pay you any ransoms. my earliest.

35:23

No place like home. Asa you've missed another

35:25

one out of and will I don't You

35:27

was annoying. Yeah, I'm so ah to ah

35:29

to hell of a stint in jail which

35:31

at another. Point wouldn't Ella? Every time

35:34

you got out of jail, Dad wouldn't have

35:36

you peace inside of the little day. The.

35:38

How. You want it in this area was at your side of

35:40

the movie tickets. Visit new one like no one or that you

35:42

move is to just isn't. And. Why? Why?

35:44

Why? Does he just isn't. Optics.

35:48

Have accepted and I thought you would bite quicker of

35:50

a see if anyone is what successes of business all

35:53

the objects or how it look I. Was too far

35:55

as will fix fix it and the fact that

35:57

every time you london's Mingus additional day cycle. Tell

35:59

you what? when you own a certain portion of

36:01

the board on Monopoly when you're about

36:03

a third or so two thirds into the game going

36:06

to jail is fantastic. Yeah, because then

36:08

you don't have to pay. You don't have to land that anything. So you,

36:10

so can I just say, the way we played Monopoly the

36:12

other day, I've never played it like that. Oh

36:14

yeah, oh, because you're playing with the big dogs now,

36:17

you're playing with the tycoons. Yeah, I've never

36:19

had to pay for when I've

36:21

landed on something. What? Actually the whole

36:23

aim of the game isn't it? What the fuck have you been doing?

36:25

I think we've gone round and just bought

36:27

stuff but never had to pay any rent. Oh,

36:29

oh, you mean Snowflake

36:31

Monopoly? Exactly. No, no,

36:34

just stay there for free, it's fine, peace and

36:36

love. Monopoly. Well, I'm in a fucking

36:38

real world, that's why, that's why you got

36:40

taken apart. And that's why I was so

36:42

shocked when normally I end up with loads of

36:44

money. Because you're so cheating, who the fuck

36:46

do you mean playing this with? I haven't,

36:49

I haven't really played since I was about

36:51

Robin's age with my cousins at Banana and

36:53

Margaret's house. And you just, what was the

36:55

point in buying stuff? I don't

36:57

know, it's a bad idea. Oh my God. And

36:59

I used to always be the banker and I would

37:01

cheat. Oh God. It's all

37:03

the time. I would not trust you to be the banker.

37:05

No, I would cheat. Not now. When me and Robin blew

37:08

the other week, he asked to be the banker and I

37:10

laughed in his face. I was like, absolutely not. I cheated.

37:13

No, I used to cheat all the time. I

37:15

can imagine, I can imagine. What's your beef with me?

37:17

My beef with you is... Careful

37:20

because I'm chewing and I'm being told more and more.

37:22

Oh fuck off. Please, be nice. No, no mercy,

37:25

just like Monopoly, no mercy. My

37:27

beef with you is, you keep asking

37:30

me to order wardrobe

37:33

doors from Ikea. Oh

37:35

yes please. Yeah, yeah, you say

37:38

yes please. And I say okay,

37:41

what kind do you want? And you go, I'll have a

37:43

look. And then you don't look.

37:45

The next day, I get it in the neck because I haven't

37:47

ordered your doors yet. And I say okay, what kind do you

37:49

want? And you go, I'll have a look. And you don't look,

37:51

I tell you. And it goes on and on and on. And

37:53

you are a person who orders so many things online. Why

37:56

do I have to order them? You fucking order them. I

37:58

don't know what size, honey. I don't

38:00

know if they're the big wardrobes are the little a wardrobe

38:03

the other little ones the two Ties are the little

38:05

ones What size is

38:07

it tell us Not

38:15

the big one, okay I

38:18

care I care wardrobe not the big

38:20

one just go on. I'm typing it

38:22

in. I watch here. We go I

38:24

care wardrobe doors What

38:26

size not the big ones? Okay,

38:28

what are they? Doesn't

38:31

see bollocks. I write an hour

38:33

written asset wardrobe doors with hinges,

38:36

right? We just all I don't want yet

38:42

Why website which

38:44

ones do I want right? Okay, not the big ones. No,

38:46

okay. Oh, they're my nice a hen Sorry

38:49

everyone. I'll have the ones that I had in the last

38:51

house. I'll have Please burger

39:06

There is there is so I take it back

39:08

Ties a dollar. Yeah, I take it back to

39:11

stop asking me to do it Right,

39:13

and this goes back to I

39:15

do everything else this goes on

39:17

to This goes back to the point

39:20

of Initially you've got above your

39:22

station and you thought you could be one of

39:24

those people who you saw in Pinterest who had

39:26

wardrobes Without doors on and you're

39:28

a fucking slob and you can it can you

39:30

there it is? You saw someone in Pinterest and

39:32

it was all it would be all laid out

39:34

Oh, and there have been one bag on that

39:36

shelf only there'll be a pair of pristine shoes

39:39

on my shelf Oh, there's been in a light.

39:41

Oh and then some two pairs of pants would

39:43

have been hanging on your phone I'll be that

39:45

person. You're not that person. You're a very much

39:47

pile of clothes on the floor Kick them into

39:49

a wardrobe and shut the door. Yes 50

39:54

by 195 the

40:02

smaller of the two sizes there it is I'm

40:05

going by price you've just worded

40:07

out the smaller of the two sizes the littler one

40:10

two sizes good luck with that right guys

40:13

ok so 50 by 195 or 50 by 229 so

40:17

the one 90 or the smaller or the

40:20

definitely smaller oh I'm going to stop the recording because this is

40:22

painful babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time

40:24

for questions from the public

40:28

kind of trying to calm down sorry

40:33

I'm so sorry about that everyone I'm really sorry

40:35

why do you still listen to this I

40:39

wouldn't listen to this it

40:42

is very much the mental breakdown she's here on our rag she

40:45

just shouted everyone gosh

40:48

anyway here we are four

40:50

flizbages are you know whisking

40:52

the flizbage in their way here and everything's

40:55

cool so thank

41:00

you so much for everything you sent to us all

41:02

of the questions all of the icks all of the

41:04

stories the would you rather absolutely everything you said like

41:06

we said before this podcast would not be what it

41:08

is without you wonderful people it would just be I

41:10

mean the whole of it would just be the argument

41:12

we've been doing for half an hour or so so

41:14

let's just have some let's

41:17

have some input by you wonderful people if you

41:19

want to send anything in at all at shagmairinoid.gmail.com

41:21

thank you just quickly though ikea if you

41:23

are listening where have your

41:25

gurgens gone oh yeah they're telling

41:28

me they've stopped doing them they've just stopped doing them just

41:30

don't sell them anymore don't sell them why maybe

41:34

husbands across the land got sick of watching there I

41:36

mean you were doing it yesterday after you get you you

41:38

get you you've got a different gurgling dealer now where you

41:40

get your gurgling from and I was having a conversation with

41:42

yesterday and you were just drinking gurgling juice straight from the

41:44

jar it's actually really good for your stomach although

41:47

actually not when you're like a shit you're constantly like shit

41:49

it might not be just oh

41:51

god I can't work out what

41:53

would be worse because you drink it from the job sometimes you drink

41:55

it like a I don't drink it from the jar you

41:57

do with a little spoon I do it with a little Okay

42:00

as he put the Nazi Milan trying to disclose his

42:02

job as you put the teaspoon aim then you put

42:04

the forties when he mouth and socket can the Assad

42:07

all over added that the bucket know ask and of

42:09

and goods nobody else except button I now and then

42:11

attack and rather like little bit a good enough for

42:13

haven't burgers or up a little bit a good night.

42:17

With your plow the know Ah. Monkey.

42:20

On my the next time. You.

42:22

Want any sort of business? I

42:24

have the absolutely not partake that

42:27

because how how you know my

42:29

lai that Okay so. Yeah.

42:32

Good here. Well thought your funny on of

42:34

beauty The So there you go. Heroes

42:37

interests, listen to podcasts with the revenge

42:39

does It has reminded me in the

42:41

of A Little Tail of. thing but i

42:43

was in the super magliocchetti and also a got

42:45

or at our for the bought something disgusted. Next

42:48

time you you days at a cattle

42:50

get that capital in your bathtub. The

42:52

not amenable got on Aug. Oh no no

42:54

chance. L. Stupid.

42:56

Stupid thing. Get rid of them, do don't We don't

42:59

need them. Have got case of ice cream or don't

43:01

need some kind of busted eyes mix? Get rid of

43:03

them. Get him in. A bid on inventiveness on invent

43:05

the most is pointless on invent. The My and

43:07

works with an eighty year old woman

43:09

vice we will call her Brenda. Their.

43:11

Previous a work and I knew. Brenda's has passed

43:14

away a few years ago and ever

43:16

since his stepdaughter we will call her

43:18

Hilda no idea has an actual name

43:20

has been a complete bitch to her.

43:23

not he isn't Hilda and family and

43:25

Brenda all live in Nottingham but held

43:27

as husband works in Birmingham. Okay,

43:30

The week before Valentine's Day, Brenda and

43:32

her meet also in her. Eighty? Sorry, Who's

43:35

is Brenda the old won't read. There is

43:37

the elderly. Lady. The apprentice and will

43:39

be elderly the hell. They settled as a little

43:41

of our held as husband works and to get

43:43

lonely but I don't got yeah sorry I completely

43:45

just freaked out with. The week

43:47

before Valentine's Day, Brenda and I'm it.

43:49

Also in Hades Yes! Drove the ninety

43:52

minute journey to burning and to post

43:54

a Valentine's Day card from a burning

43:56

and poster for the card was addressed

43:59

the hell does Husband was him Happy

44:01

Valentine's Day from an unknown person Shot.

44:03

Off a hard that's amazing.

44:06

The genius behind this being that the card will

44:08

be marked as Calling From Burning and and Hilda

44:10

will now think it has been. Having them

44:12

up there was someone from

44:15

Banning. Oh. I'm good at we won't

44:17

get to find out what happens, but you can only

44:19

imagine the turmoil in that house. You sneaky little

44:21

more much an area so. Also

44:23

feel slightly size of husband wow what

44:25

a how we were how funny the

44:28

as and the as an affair and

44:30

he's like. Ah,

44:32

It's dreadful. It's. Deceitful

44:35

is. Off. Place

44:37

and to do that the do that but I

44:39

was increased. Just listen to the latest episode where

44:41

Crysis beef with the fact that rule the it

44:44

accidentally nearly killed one of his mates by offer

44:46

and and the taste of her t containing penis

44:48

had of yeah yep yep yep to sorry but

44:50

as he's allergic you can easily be less in

44:52

time and didn't some of the delight in that

44:54

was a delay actually puts amended air in the

44:56

freezer. My take went out. For. Mighty Arnold

44:58

got hello Fresh has to. Do you

45:00

know that the same friends went to

45:02

When for a curry and on a

45:04

curry house that I will not name.

45:07

He went and told them he was allergic. The

45:10

nazis in the gave him his food and there

45:12

was not in it he didn't know and he's

45:14

put on lips and evidence well.com and the didn't

45:16

even take off the boat. The. Did

45:18

they give a new one without not seem? To. Recall

45:20

now and then. He was like what I'm

45:22

hoping for a moment. We have to. it's

45:24

on the bill for a peaceful bill, has

45:26

an earful nut case. I would it or

45:28

flip the table. Remember a middle peaceful bill?

45:31

Not good. This. Reminded me

45:33

of the day my sister gave my daughter spoonful

45:35

of the t she was cooking while we were

45:37

visiting handball. Now my daughter who was about twelve

45:39

at the time is also allergic to peanuts and

45:41

has an acme tend to carry in the event

45:43

of a see it said the reaction when I

45:45

that be then. Yes but

45:48

what it honestly I genuinely is

45:50

aligned comedy and in popular culture

45:52

people to the make out with

45:54

knowledge is what a unfortunate allergy

45:56

to Javier cause it the all

45:59

in Seoul. anything. I know. Try

46:01

and go sweet, sweet but sort

46:03

of behave yourself. Does that make sense? So

46:05

like if you're going for a sweet treat but you're not just

46:07

gonna have like you know a bar of chocolate you want to

46:09

go a little bit healthier down your track a bar no chance

46:11

down your sort of breakfast bar no chance. I

46:14

think there's a child in Robin School who's got a

46:16

nut allergy so you can't send anything in at all.

46:18

Yeah when you talk... It gets complicated. You don't send

46:20

me the shop before and said get them some snacks

46:22

for school but make them a bit healthy. It's fucking impossible.

46:24

I know. I know. Fruit or

46:26

nothing. Yeah and Robin does actually love nuts. Oh

46:29

I gave Rayford a pistachio nut the other week did I tell you?

46:31

No. He's on the edge of my bloody seat. Anyway

46:35

right here we go. The daughter has got

46:37

an epi pen okay. Yep. The

46:40

vegetarian curry her auntie was preparing was offered

46:42

to her alone to sample as she had

46:44

decided she too was going to be vegetarian.

46:46

Right. Here try

46:49

this. It's delicious my sister proclaimed. Several

46:51

minutes later my sister had a moment of

46:54

clarity. Oh shit I put pain in the

46:56

butter in the curry. Oh god I didn't

46:58

think sorry. All that stuff. Now

47:01

my sister is a beauty therapist and has a room

47:03

in her house she uses as a treatment room. Can

47:07

anyone else hear that noise? Ask my daughter as

47:09

me and my sister were looking at each other

47:11

and at my daughter for any immediate signs of

47:13

a reaction. Now one

47:16

of the feelings of a severe allergic

47:18

reaction is an impending sense of doom.

47:20

Oh I didn't know that. No

47:23

what can you hear we asked. Angels

47:25

singing she replied. Shut

47:28

up. I think

47:30

she's dying. Oh what we said. Heaven

47:33

she answered. Sorry. She can

47:35

hear heaven. Looking at each

47:37

other and starting to worry my sister had

47:39

another moment of clarity. Coming from her treatment

47:41

room was a tranquil music she plays the

47:43

hell out of her mind.

47:46

Hearing this and knowing she'd been fed

47:49

sorry a spoonful of the thing that makes

47:51

her severely react. My daughter did in fact

47:53

think she was dying. Everything

47:56

turned out alright in the end after we reassured

47:58

her it wasn't the death march. hearing

48:00

and the antihistamines work their magic. Oh

48:03

my god. I

48:05

did not ever tell you I almost got put unconscious here

48:07

at BGG and I heard a gong that no one else

48:09

heard. No you have not. I thought

48:12

I could tell you that. You've known and I'm glad.

48:14

Why are you waiting on here where I can't, you

48:17

know no one can see me eye rolls here. Right. I'm

48:20

very much implied everyone knows that you're doing it. You

48:23

know very much. What happened?

48:26

We're doing triangle chokes which is

48:28

where you get your legs around

48:31

someone's neck and one arm in.

48:33

They end up like

48:35

this and you're around that armpit and the

48:37

neck and you push. It's like a blood choke. So

48:40

the lad on the bottom he wasn't nipping so you

48:43

basically you've got to lift your hips and you've got

48:45

to essentially get the back of your knee to a

48:47

brit on the neck. It's called a get a brit,

48:49

get a brit, get your first bit on and you

48:51

can actually finish a triangle with one leg. So

48:54

you have to keep it and he didn't get the bite

48:56

and I kept going so you haven't got the bite here

48:58

and he was like trying again and again and then he

49:00

finally got the bite and he was like is that it

49:02

and I was like that's it and then the coach came

49:04

over and started explaining something and Wylie had the bite on

49:06

my neck and I went lads lads lads and

49:09

I had to like push his leg off and I just heard

49:11

like whoa like a gong and I

49:13

went did anyone else hear that? I went what was

49:15

that and there's a builder in the corner doing a

49:17

bit of work. It's a new gym and

49:19

I went did he just drop something? Did you hear

49:22

that loud like gong that bang and they were like

49:24

no and I was like oh so

49:26

I was literally and I went all dizzy head

49:28

like head dizzy but I heard a gong that wasn't

49:30

there because I was just about to

49:32

pass out. I literally I watched a story the

49:34

other day saying that a lot of people who

49:36

had near death experiences here are gong. Oh

49:38

yeah yeah it was a big loud gong. I'm

49:41

totally bullshitting you. Oh right. That's the stupidest thing

49:43

you've ever said. I did I heard a gong.

49:45

In the entire life. I heard a

49:47

gong. The gong of death. The temple. The

49:50

temple of a cold bath. I was like oh

49:52

the house would have been peered off

49:54

and everything. Oh there you go. I'm

49:57

joking. House gets peered off of a die. And

50:02

hey, and if you die, oh

50:04

yeah, my love stop it

50:07

over joke and guys I'm sorry that hey look

50:09

you got a joke about these you do have to

50:11

joke but genuinely Please just stop

50:13

it like it actually no no I don't I'm

50:15

not saying stop it I think it's great that

50:17

you do it, but just just be careful. I

50:20

was really shoulder and just I'm sure the so

50:22

fucked I've been off for two weeks. I could cry a

50:24

week and a half. I haven't been to be GG And

50:26

it's really affecting as mentally and you go back so much

50:28

I might just go back but not do this sparring at

50:30

the end other then again. I need a gun cut that

50:33

was drilling that wasn't sparring Rosie

50:43

long-time listener kind of jumped on the bandwagon

50:46

wagon, but enjoying it nonetheless That's

50:48

all right. You what you will have to be on the bandwagon Well,

50:50

I don't know how can you be a

50:52

long-time listener who's jumped on the man bandwagon

50:55

short-term listeners have jumped on the bandwagon surely

50:58

Not that there's anything wrong with either of them thing Long

51:01

as you're on the goddamn bandwagon come on Alright,

51:08

let's go hey Jimmy. Can you get that up Jimmy's

51:10

just getting it up Oh Two

51:17

things I'll never go the origin of

51:19

the phrase jump on the bandwagon for

51:21

those not familiar when you jump on the

51:23

bandwagon It means you begin supporting a hobby

51:26

idea or person etc after it has become

51:28

popular or successful. There we go Yeah, what

51:30

do what does it mean? I'm trying to fucking find

51:32

out The

51:35

word bandwagon is a rather unimaginative name

51:37

for a wagon that carried

51:39

a circus band It first appeared in

51:41

print in the equally unimaginative title book

51:43

the life of PT Brawnham something written

51:45

by a guy called that I don't

51:47

I don't know just means that you're

51:49

catching on to something before after it's Anyway,

51:53

that's explained nothing then so usually

51:55

when you say what does that mean? Where's that come

51:57

from that it would be like back in 19 My

52:00

family bandwagon decided to make the

52:02

live in any and when everyone's

52:05

seen his wife and they got

52:07

on a wagon and then started

52:09

college. Yeah on that bandwagon. So

52:11

that crap. Anyway, listen to

52:13

this. Is some something about someone to

52:15

listen? To this too Good to Miss

52:18

Taylor Lola Lola. Do.

52:20

I have a story for you. Okay

52:22

with the email about one of your

52:24

long timelessness. Who. Is is

52:26

no need to keep them and nominee anonymous

52:28

and non anonymous because I'm pretty sure the

52:30

situation is absolutely unique to them. You don't

52:32

actually mention the name so that's fine to

52:35

the all time. Of anonymous ah the only

52:37

been on a for him bomb on a

52:39

single means. That the know his deal.

52:42

So. says. Yeah, I am

52:44

a normal person. Is normal. For

52:49

another sorry are hotter mobile of water

52:51

They do now believe that to be

52:53

an email from an alien. I

52:56

have a normal person who's your normal food.

52:58

And I do normal doesn't thing.

53:00

I. Am an old

53:03

of as and do normal thousand things and

53:05

assumed that all of my friends were normal

53:07

people and also did know that. Right? Never

53:09

assume thus, Hulu Autumn or the normal Oberlin

53:11

like and we have a school. Where it's

53:13

going, it's it's gonna be about sex. Or

53:15

get it. But yeah, I'm a normal person.

53:18

How wrong I was with. Saw.

53:20

Being a normal person. And

53:22

I love that thou just like you

53:24

of others' homes or most. Successful.

53:28

Me and my wife like the go out with

53:30

friends, got the pope, have people over for dinner,

53:32

etc. Like all the other normal people

53:34

do that reluctantly the never would have

53:36

achieved limited sovereign of you on weaker

53:38

dollar is all with my friends on

53:40

I do sports on normal thing with.

53:42

It I go to both I come over but

53:44

we had a party a couple of weeks ago

53:46

with a drink with flowing and some secrets escaped

53:48

from some of our friends. Secrets.

53:51

Keep secrets. About their

53:53

sex life to which I am

53:56

mind blown. Okay, But.

53:58

Still normal. Now, I know

54:01

there are fetishes and things people like

54:03

to get up to behind closed doors.

54:05

I'm sure we all have different turn-ons

54:07

and weird shit like that going around.

54:09

But the kind of thing just blew

54:11

my mind. OK. Can't remember how. But

54:13

we got into weird experimental things in

54:15

the bedroom in brackets. Made me and

54:17

my wife seem vanilla as shit, but

54:19

each to their own. A

54:21

few couples admitted they liked the big A. Apples.

54:26

Right, sorry. Others that they

54:28

had tried three times. One couple,

54:30

a bit of leather and bondage. All the standard

54:33

usual kind of just out the box stuff.

54:35

I do believe that this being their

54:37

party. I believe the cock blocked an

54:39

orgy this evening. I feel like

54:41

the half. I feel like the rest of them have been up

54:43

for. Oh, yeah, we're like that. Yeah,

54:46

we're dead normal. By the way, it's half nine. Can you all

54:48

fuck off? Also, yeah. So

54:52

all the usual kind of out the box

54:54

stuff. Not this couple. No, they

54:56

like dressing up a

54:58

celebrity couples when they have sex,

55:01

including using cardboard face masks that

55:03

sometimes they order online or sometimes

55:06

make themselves from Internet images, got

55:08

on. They would call each other

55:10

by those celebrity names whilst having

55:12

sex and pretend they were actually

55:14

these people. We had right.

55:16

Yes, but it gets weird. Oh, God. They

55:19

said if they were feeling particularly adventurous, they

55:21

would make the couples cheat on each other

55:23

and make random celebrities. Oh, I'm

55:26

not having this. I'm not having this. If

55:28

they were feeling really naughty, they might

55:30

indulge in some same sex celebrity fun.

55:33

Apparently they would stay in character throw out.

55:35

And even after the deed was done, talk

55:37

about how guilty they felt or how naughty

55:39

it was cheating on their partner. My

55:41

God. So me and

55:44

my wife couldn't quite believe this. So we asked

55:46

what celebrities they had masks of. They had the

55:48

usuals. Posh and Bex. Right. Standard Harry

55:50

and Meghan. Ben Affleck,

55:52

Jennifer Lopez, etc. But also a

55:55

few more, let's say lower tiered

55:57

celebrities. Don't like Jerry

55:59

and Rebecca. I've already right Tom

56:01

Holland and Zendaya they are not

56:04

well ever that's fine yes you

56:06

guessed it no No,

56:12

no My I

56:14

tell you what though we're keeping good company there like

56:18

He has named him can I

56:20

say them no no just in case it says

56:22

my friends and it says the names

56:24

have Dressed up as you and had

56:26

sex Apparently they have

56:28

also made Chris cheat on Rosie before

56:30

with some of the other celebs Let

56:35

me over David Beckham, let's hope I'll check

56:37

David that I mean obviously

56:39

posh Please

56:42

as I said before no need to keep them anonymous.

56:44

Yeah, we're not in case literally content

56:46

suit for your bullshit And

56:49

that's couple of questions. Do you

56:51

reuse the masks or sometimes are they? Unusable

56:54

are you have your spaffed on them?

56:57

Other wipe clean or the laminated

56:59

second question. Do you do the voices?

57:01

Oh? Okay, believe that would

57:04

actually be I think that would probably

57:06

be hilarious and you put it off I feel like

57:08

you have to do it. I don't think we could

57:10

take sex seriously if we do invoicing We're being you

57:12

know, putting back or yeah, like,

57:15

you know, I just don't think we're built to do it Yeah

57:21

No, I guess Rooney's

57:25

all about the Rooney's You

57:28

could do where I could do I could

57:30

put I could go online find a patty

57:32

McGinnis mask I do party McGinnis

57:35

and then but I wouldn't like to have said Because

57:47

Sorry So

57:49

strange no not people do that that's actually I

57:51

don't know how I feel about that dirty very

57:53

weird I'm

58:00

sorry, I got it wrong. I've done you.

58:02

I enjoyed that a lot, yeah. Very well done.

58:04

Good stuff. Do you know what it

58:06

is? It's each to their own, innit? I just, maybe

58:09

it's when the kids get older, maybe it's where we'll get like this,

58:12

but right now, it's just a wild, bad thing

58:14

now. A lot of time on your hands to go on like

58:16

that. I'm married for putting masks on and that, though. It's

58:18

a bit strange, innit? I

58:21

don't like the, unless you're doing really disgusting, horrible

58:23

things, I don't like the judge. That's quite innocent

58:26

to me. It is quite innocent. That's quite innocent.

58:28

I like dressing up as famous people, you know.

58:30

Better than standing outside the houses and waiting for

58:32

them. Yeah, yeah, but I'll do that and I don't like being judged

58:35

by doing that. Yeah. Each

58:37

to their own. Babadoo babadoo babadoo. Thank you

58:39

again for listening to this week's episode of

58:42

Shag Miredanoid, which is part of the ACAS

58:44

Create Network. Thank you, thank you so, so

58:46

much. Sorry, just got to take the David

58:48

Beckham mask off here. There we go, and

58:50

me again, and me again, and me again.

58:52

Thank you so much for listening. If you

58:54

like getting touched, [email protected] if you'd like to

58:56

wear masks of our face while having sex,

58:58

make sure you do the voice or it

59:00

doesn't count, right? Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

59:02

There it is, right? And yeah, you know,

59:04

what was me? What was the thing I

59:06

did on Taskmaster? No way! Yeah, you have

59:08

that one. No way, yeah, I have that

59:10

one right. Bye. Bye. Do,

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