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0:46

Valentine's Rushes here. Hello, you're

0:48

listening to Shagmar and Enoid with me,

0:50

Rosie Ramsay, and my husband, Christopher Ramsay.

0:52

We've got a dog. No,

0:54

we have. Stop it. We've got a

0:56

dog. There's

0:58

a dog downstairs. My sister's gone on holiday, but

1:01

we'll talk about that later, because of the little bone

1:03

of contention. Not me. Not

1:05

me with a bone of contention. No way. And,

1:08

Bay, her dog, is here for the team. Oh, he's making

1:10

her so happy. And now Chris wants a dog. He's just...

1:13

You know what? It's just the way he just pads around.

1:15

Like, when he comes in and he barks and goes off

1:17

it, like when she brings him round, it's almost

1:19

unbearable. He's barked. It just goes right through you. But once he's

1:22

calmed down and he's just trotting around the house... He's gorgeous. I

1:24

was just making some toast earlier on and he was just walking

1:26

around and he's looking up at us and he's like, what are

1:28

you doing? I was like, oh, they said, how are you getting...

1:30

He's had a lovely day. I get it. Our

1:32

gardeners' privilege, they've been here today and they

1:34

bring the dogs with them. Yeah,

1:37

and he went outside. He went outside and he's had

1:39

probably the best 15 minutes. It's unbelievable. We could have

1:41

took bets on that. It was like a fucking UFC match. They

1:43

were loving it though. Well, they were like... A

1:46

lot of ball licking and that though, wasn't there? A

1:48

lot of penis licking. Is that how you... Is that

1:50

how you beat your mates? No, not recently. When

1:52

I pop in the pub and the lads are there, we all just sniff

1:54

each other's balls and cocks and horses and that. I did not do that.

1:56

No. It was weird, I know. Men and women, so different. Do

2:01

you know I'm really panicking though because I know

2:03

the case away. Yeah. She's going to

2:05

be listening, me Auntie Kathleen's looking after the dog. She's

2:07

going to be listening to this. Yeah. And

2:10

she won't have been home. She's coming out on Friday and she's

2:12

not home. I think she's gone for 10 days then. Lazy,

2:16

lazy, good for nothing bitch that she is.

2:18

I love you, I'm joking.

2:20

I'll get into why he's supporting that attention later

2:23

on. And

2:25

she'll be really missing him. Yeah. I

2:28

don't want to talk about him too much because I think it looks like

2:30

I have a great idea. Well he had a lovely time. I don't

2:32

want to think. He's absolutely fine by the way.

2:34

He's loving life. He's getting

2:36

spoiled rotten by Annie Calf and he's fine.

2:39

Kate couldn't have. Sorry, sorry. Have

2:42

you just mistook this podcast for a voice

2:44

note that you're sending his podcast to? I

2:47

feel like I'm sorry to everybody listening. You're

2:49

not listening. But this is actually. Sending messages to your

2:51

sister. If you don't mind, don't

2:53

be so rude, if you're listening, this

2:55

is actually a personal message between me

2:58

and his sibling actually. Well

3:00

what I was going to say is Kate wouldn't have been

3:02

able to watch him play with those dogs because I got

3:04

a little bit stressed out. But the gardener knows he's getting,

3:06

he was like, oh he's like they're just sorting out a

3:08

pecking order and the day they just kind of wrestled. The

3:10

order wrestled for a while. But it might stop. It was

3:12

fucking intense. No, it was intense. Stop. I

3:15

was taking back to me like I was like, alright which one's

3:17

going to last here? The weirdest thing

3:19

I think I've ever had in my life

3:21

though was, so Simon our gardener, hi Simon.

3:23

Does he listen about that? He does. Oh

3:26

hello. Simon. Mmhmm.

3:28

And then, because they were scruffy right, and then

3:31

you took the hair dryer outside. His idea, not

3:33

mine. You were drying there with the hair dryer

3:35

and it was just weird. In the garden. Yeah.

3:38

Very strange. We had a little life. Hey, had it

3:40

inside didn't I, having a dog for a day? Didn't hate it. Looking

3:42

forward to it. No, we're not getting one. When you

3:45

kids stop cuddling you, that's when you get a dog.

3:47

I'm telling you. When I'll be really sad

3:49

but at the same time, you know, I'll

3:51

find other ways to cope. Nice, nah, we'll get a dog.

3:54

2 o'clock wine time. So listen. I'll get a dog

3:56

on 4 o'clock. So it is episode 265.

4:00

thank you for being here thank you for listening

4:02

and please follow and subscribe or whatever the fuck

4:04

it is on all your little podcast apps that'll

4:06

be lovely and it's time without further ado for

4:08

this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor big fan of this

4:11

one Rosie, big fan of the sponsor, big part

4:13

of my life, big, big part of my life

4:15

what could it be? let me just guess okay

4:17

you'll never get it but go on then is it eggs?

4:21

no, we had the course we're

4:23

eating loads of eggs at the minute I'm obsessed with

4:25

boiled eggs right now my thoughts are

4:28

disgusting I'm so sorry I was gonna say that

4:30

but you're literally the first thing you said before

4:32

I pressed record the last thing you said before

4:34

I pressed record was my thoughts are disgusting which

4:36

was so bad that I held it in when Bear was

4:38

in the areas because I thought he'd start licking me

4:40

crotch like when dogs love farts and I don't know

4:42

we had an HR department I believe I

4:44

would be emailing them quite constantly about you

4:47

massive manky farts, dog licking your

4:49

fanny, like all of that, just

4:52

HR the love across is now worse when

4:54

you're in public and the dog sniffs you across like as

4:56

a woman, well, it's now worse I do, I'll wash my

4:58

fanny all the time I'm just using soap,

5:00

stop using soap, have you noticed? and therein lies

5:02

the problem okay, not many use

5:05

soap, and I've stopped and actually at first

5:07

it was a bit whiffy but it's actually,

5:09

it's self cleaned so

5:12

there you go, it does work I've talked about

5:14

this a while ago, hey guys, I've tried and

5:16

tested it and it does start washing itself, you

5:18

just use water okay,

5:21

so, you've almost

5:23

shot on my sponsor a little bit oh sorry,

5:25

go on, hurry up no, it's fine,

5:27

it's just a bit weird, isn't it? it's

5:29

what? it's not

5:32

eggs, it's not eggs, it's not eggs

5:34

it's lucrative, lucrative sponsor is banana

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breath hey,

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really elevate your morning with that

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with an additional dose of coffee breath still

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5:55

your old maths teacher would be proud it's

5:57

disgusting, and then you, don't eat anything

6:00

Something else because you've just decided not

6:02

to eat. You're eating a lot more nowadays

6:04

actually. I'm eating a bit more. I actually let

6:06

them down and I'm bulking them back up. Disgusting. Yeah.

6:10

Your breath. All that seems to happen to me

6:12

now around this house. Race is the only one who's not absolutely

6:14

repulsed by us. You will be soon. Yeah,

6:17

I've written I've got three years left until

6:19

Race repulsed. Robin started, I spoke about

6:21

it a while ago on the podcast, started seeing me

6:23

fart to think. Now he says breath stinks, now he

6:25

just says I stink. Did he say your breath stinks?

6:28

Sometimes I want to cuddle on a morning, he's like

6:30

no, you don't want to go anywhere

6:32

near it. That Rafe is me last. And then

6:34

once Rafe says you stink, you're horrible, you're minging.

6:37

Dog time. Tick tock. Tick tock,

6:39

tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. Dog would

6:41

love it. Dog would literally lick it, eh? That's what

6:43

I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would like lick

6:45

it, eat your breath. Well the dog was here five minutes ago

6:47

and I farted and blamed on the dog. It's the best thing

6:49

ever. Blame it on the dog. Just find out

6:51

it was a dog. Fuck. What

6:53

a life. What a life. Do you know

6:55

the worst dog fart I've ever smelled was

6:57

when we were younger, me and

6:59

my sister both had a... she babysat first and

7:02

then I did. Yeah. Like I overtook

7:04

her babysitting job. At someone else's house. Yeah,

7:06

yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was for

7:08

the kids over the back of us. Right.

7:10

They're not kids anymore. They've got kids now.

7:12

Crazy. Smart how time works. And they

7:14

had a dog for a little while, it was

7:17

a boxer dog called Buddy. He's absolutely gorgeous. Awful

7:20

to take on a walk. Like really just kind of

7:22

rat... Strong old. And

7:24

when they shake their head. Oh. Buddy

7:28

was just like one

7:31

of the lushest dogs ever. Like gorgeous. Beautiful.

7:33

His first word, putrid. Right.

7:37

Putrid. And you'd be sat and you'd

7:39

just be with the kids being men, you'd like watch the telly and

7:41

he would fart and he would just... And then he'd look at you

7:43

and you'd be like, oh God. And then

7:45

you'd smell it like a couple of minutes later. Geez, I've

7:47

never felt anything like it in my life. What's

7:49

the most putrid dog fart you've smelled? Email it in. Shag

7:52

my yard. Female dot com. Speaking

7:54

of dog farts and dog poo and dog smells.

7:56

Oh. Stop letting your

7:58

dog shit in the... The park or to

8:01

pick up your dog shit. I'll let you don't

8:03

fit the park to pick an option of us pick

8:05

up your dog shit all. we went inside and. Know

8:07

that he at the park as just have a

8:09

discrete dog shit of issues when you get home

8:11

and I'm. I'm. For

8:13

sixty. Six hundred and a sponsor of

8:15

things over the look responsive and then take any

8:17

kids to the park, taking the kids to the

8:19

parked, forty five minutes of phone, an hour and

8:21

a half of cleaning dogs your pickler wasn't possessions.

8:23

When you get home to Nyc it's to the

8:25

past. So upset ah was holding shoes down on

8:27

how to hold the Michael Scott Us down was

8:29

shit all over them of other I don't know

8:31

what the hell was going on. It's. All bad.

8:33

And because this is cities as so many

8:35

dogs nowadays be an indigo everyone as and

8:37

most of the land almost this decent people

8:39

pick up the dogs as a top of

8:41

this last two about. you know because it's

8:43

just something. That has lost his. It's

8:46

annoying. It's so yeah. And in

8:48

like. You. Know it can

8:50

make kids blind. Yeah. Yeah,

8:52

lovers out there between? I did. Ozone

8:54

instills in Vienna. You for

8:56

elevators where I live. In compile about that in

8:59

a way that came from. Probably dog shit

9:01

of these. Okay, probably dog shit see.

9:03

Them is begging me. To. Deity pick up,

9:05

he talks it all and I'm gonna go

9:07

round schools. Wire

9:12

is that? Why does every know. Why

9:15

am I so desperately to a school to our

9:17

our is what it is is keep it's. Like

9:19

a boss he said i. Think it is

9:21

like as it in his as earth.

9:23

So high amazon's yeah what? we're what would

9:26

put in for the air for that. The

9:28

dog the dog poop. The dog poo talks

9:30

and just wondered this isn't in school so

9:32

do you have to see his shit and

9:34

dick. Yet and it's part of the package

9:37

move is any we the just injustice for them so

9:39

sorry of they don't get a fight with it misses.

9:41

It crossed. Whether they be videos

9:44

must watch this across set. I don't wanna

9:46

get into a fight with the it is a book that's

9:48

the slogan but it's just that an old sorry sir I'm

9:50

gonna have to stop the there is sufficient. Size Old.

9:53

Well enough to live in and on. This will

9:55

go ahead with. rice the littered with

9:57

okay good and we're not going to

9:59

do talk if that's okay. It's

10:02

your lot. I

10:04

look forward to having loads of dog shit around you.

10:08

Is that because they're going to leave it on the way out or

10:10

you're going to throw it around because that's your thing when you get

10:12

cancelled. Great. Well there we go. There's an

10:17

intro. There's an intro. Let's get

10:19

a jingle. Let's get this party started. Let's

10:22

hear why you are fuming that your sister

10:24

is on holiday. Yeah. That

10:26

was very radio. Very like, you know,

10:29

local radio. You've heard that a

10:31

lot. You've never, you've never, remind me,

10:33

sorry, what? We'll digress. We'll talk about it

10:35

later. Just have done local radio and that's,

10:38

that was me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

10:40

Yeah. Don't go anywhere. I'm going to tell you. Hello

11:03

and welcome back to this week's episode of

11:05

Shagged Marys Annoyed FM. FM. Welcome

11:08

back to this week's

11:10

episode of me sister as a bitch cushes

11:12

on holiday and I'm not. Do you know

11:14

what it is? Something's happened this week,

11:16

which has never happened to me before.

11:18

Right. So me, mum's

11:20

on holiday. Yep. Right. Firstly

11:23

devastated. Hate it when my

11:25

mum goes on holiday. I

11:27

just feel abandoned, right? Feel a bit

11:29

lost if I'm honest with you.

11:31

So me mum's on holiday. Me sister's

11:33

on holiday. Also abandonment. Yes, I also

11:35

done holiday with me sister. Right. Fucking

11:38

me dad. Yeah. Me dad's away. And

11:41

so it's just me and me brother here. Home.

11:44

Bending for ourselves. But that's

11:46

not here. I live with you. You're an adult.

11:48

But I have realised with your mum and your

11:50

sister being away and your sister being sent to

11:52

you on a cruise and quite un-contactable. You

11:55

have spoke to me a lot more about stuff. Oh

11:57

have I? I've had more conversations with you. Oh god,

11:59

really? quite nice. Oh really? I'm gonna get needy. I'm gonna get

12:01

needy next week. I'm gonna be like talk to us because I'm used

12:03

to it now. No why? Why you

12:05

gotta? This is our job. We talk to each other

12:08

all the time. Sometimes it's nice to be talked

12:10

to off the clock. You know?

12:12

When you're not getting paid for it. I don't want

12:14

to get talked, I don't want to just get conversed

12:16

with when you're bloody getting, when you're clocked

12:18

in, when you're on the meet, when the meet is on.

12:20

Listen to me. Stay professional. Don't get above

12:22

your table. No, we had a little feeling.

12:24

Yeah? Like I mean my Kev is absolutely

12:26

fine because I said to him, I was

12:28

like, you know. Because he's not a fucking

12:30

baby. I'm not a baby. Probably because he's a grown up. No,

12:33

not a complete baby. I don't know. I just don't like

12:35

it. Listen, don't like it at all. Yeah? Don't like it.

12:37

Feel a little bit uneasy about

12:39

it. Excuse me. No, me

12:42

mom. Sorry. Me mom's away with

12:44

her friend Joyce. She's actually

12:46

back. She'll be back before the podcast comes out.

12:48

Kate is on a cruise which I

12:50

was also invited on because she's got me dad.

12:52

So basically me dad had never been on a

12:54

cruise before and just decided to

12:56

spend his full pension clearly. And had no one

12:58

to go with him. Obviously Kate was like, well,

13:00

I'll go with you. And then she's been begging

13:03

like, because she's got her own cabin and with

13:05

like room for another. She needs begging us to

13:07

go. And I'm like, in what world do we

13:09

live in where I can leave my children for

13:11

10 days to go on a cruise? Very much enjoying her

13:13

begging you to go by the way. I'd have

13:15

burnt this house down if you'd have went. You'd have

13:17

come back in this house and been on fire. If

13:20

it had been a four day cruise, then you

13:22

know, I would have definitely floated that idea.

13:25

10 days, it's just not okay. It

13:27

would not be on board with that. Absolutely

13:30

not. Don't you dare. How

13:32

dare you even think of that?

13:34

Isn't it really sad that that's life now? Because

13:36

if you came to me, they even

13:39

float on the idea of a 10 day cruise. I'd

13:41

be like, absolutely not. Would you rather give

13:49

me one of your kidneys or let me go on

13:51

a 10 day cruise? Oh my God. And leave you

13:53

the kids. It's the summer

13:55

holidays. It's the middle of the summer holidays.

13:57

Right. Get me booking. I

14:00

don't even need any other setting. No

14:03

way, no way. So my friend Grace,

14:06

her mom gave her dad

14:08

a kidney. Her dad needs a kidney. Would

14:11

you do that for me? When?

14:13

How old am I? How old are you

14:16

at the time? I'm assuming they're

14:18

50s, 60s. I'm

14:20

not 100% sure. I

14:23

can't, what was that word? Sorry.

14:26

No, I think I'm not. We must have spoke about this before. We have. Would

14:29

you? What happens,

14:32

just before I go

14:34

into it, like any sort of binding thing,

14:36

what do you have to give up if

14:38

you give a kidney? It's not like

14:41

you live on anything, is it? No, you can

14:43

live on a kidney. You can drink. I mean, you don't

14:45

want to bend her every single night, but it's still a

14:47

glass of wine, I think. Howard,

14:49

could you, I doubt you

14:51

could drink much, you know. Jamie, could you just get that up for

14:53

me? We don't have a Jamie. That's

14:55

insane. That's insane. Just

14:58

literally, how much can you drink, how much alcohol

15:00

can you drink with one kidney? Avoid

15:04

cola drinks, alcohol and

15:07

coffee. Oh, sorry. I'm

15:09

so sorry. Wow. Cola,

15:12

I would sacrifice coke for you. Hold

15:14

on, hold on, hold on. That's

15:17

after kidney removal. That's just

15:19

after. If you have a solitary

15:21

kidney, you do not need to eat a

15:23

specific diet, however, you can keep your kidney

15:25

healthy by staying hydrated, not taking too much

15:28

salt, not gaining excessive weight. I

15:30

think it's all right. Okay. I think

15:32

it's absolutely fine. All the things I plan on doing after my 50th birthday. So,

15:35

do you know, you didn't hear me there, by the way. I

15:37

said, I would give a coke for you, but not the one.

15:39

You put up your nose, but you were talking. And I was

15:41

wondering if you know that I was joking about that. Right.

15:44

Okay. I kept hilarious at joking about drugs. You

15:47

were talking about my death. Really, really shit joke. Why have you

15:49

got a joke? We've made the combination. I

15:51

just had a... We've made the combination. I'm just hydrating. I

15:53

read the kidney thing. I just had to hydrate. I swear to

15:56

God. I

16:00

said stay hydrated. I was like oh my god, what was the last time

16:02

I had a drink so I had a quick impogr I

16:06

100% give you a kidney right but obviously

16:08

because I'm you know

16:10

because I'm quite blunt and

16:13

quite weird in some things I say

16:15

I'd 100% give you a kidney hands down if

16:17

you if you need a kidney you can have

16:19

one of my kidneys no question however if question

16:22

yeah yeah a full match I mean but then if

16:25

further down the line it turned out that you know

16:27

you are on your way out because of something not

16:29

kidney related I'll be like dibs you

16:32

can't do that I'll be like I'll have them back so that happening

16:34

grooves not me the

16:37

friend gave their friend one of their

16:39

kidneys gonna hydrate while I'm missing the

16:41

friend died stop it and they wanted

16:43

the kidney back and they were like that's not a thing we can do

16:46

can't they can't do it you can't swap one back

16:48

out no what give us either one no

16:51

it's not unless you're dying you can't have your

16:53

kidney back so it's you've got a

16:55

you've got to give back in your way

16:57

you tell me kidneys are no take your axes no

17:00

take your axes no take your axes on kidneys a

17:02

race ease false stop no take your axes

17:04

what if when what if when they take

17:06

the kidney out I've got my fingers crossed

17:09

and I say skin cheese and then say no take your axes

17:12

that's about look doctor I think you'll find

17:15

if you look under the gown I did

17:17

have me fingers crossed and get this

17:19

moron out of my OR and the

17:21

problem is if I give you a

17:23

kidney mmm if I have got ill

17:26

if I if anything happened yeah I

17:28

would really hold that against you there it

17:30

is yeah I thought

17:33

that you would hold something against me with

17:35

no factual evidence definitely would got you well

17:37

keep that in mind yeah yeah love you

17:39

stand up with it good good what do you mean I'll

17:45

have the left we're

17:48

plumbing oh god kidneys

17:50

will have plenty on them Babadoo

17:52

Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Baba did something the

17:54

other day which has brought me so

17:57

much joy okay we showed the kids

18:00

a clip on YouTube of Stavros

18:02

Flatley. Oh, yes. Remember Stavros

18:04

Flatley? So good. So good, we showed

18:06

them it, and then I put loads of, like, Lord

18:09

of the Dance music on, and

18:12

they were just, it was one of the best 10

18:14

minutes of my life. The video was fantastic, yeah. I

18:16

loved the little dance. They all copied off, Stavros Flatley's

18:18

little kid. They all copied off, they both copied off

18:20

his, it was very funny. I loved stuff like that,

18:23

that just brings joy. That was like old school Saturday

18:25

night TV, wasn't it? That was peak Britain's

18:27

Got Talent. Stavros Flatley was peak Britain's

18:29

Got Talent. Just brilliant. He made

18:31

a lot of money, I think, out of that. He did very well. But it

18:33

was just like, it's one of them

18:35

beautiful moments that I think, obviously shows like Britain's

18:37

Got Talent and stuff. They do have a shelf

18:39

life, sadly. But he come out, and

18:41

he was just a dude doing that, and it

18:44

was like, you can see them all going, what

18:46

the, okay, oh, he's an entertainer. You know, he's

18:48

owning this. And then when he's suned on that,

18:50

the first time that sun comes out, heaven's

18:53

above. Just brilliant. Yeah, you kind of beat

18:55

that. And the bit of the beans loved it, and

18:57

I was like, oh, guys. Honestly, controversially, I do

18:59

love a dancing dog. Everyone loves a dancing dog.

19:02

But I'd rather have that any day of the week. Yeah,

19:04

it was just class. Yeah, big fella, little fella who's just

19:06

as big as the big fella, fucking

19:08

fantastic. If you want to cheer it

19:10

up, just YouTube, Stavros Flatley. I'm

19:13

also currently really enjoying the corn kid.

19:16

Oh, he's come back and realised, doesn't he? Yeah,

19:18

he comes back and realised. What is the word? It's

19:20

corn. It's corn. Weirdly,

19:22

the kids don't realise how gratuitously

19:25

sexual the things that the kid is seeing

19:27

can actually be misconstrued to be. It's

19:30

corn, a big lump with knobs.

19:32

It has the juice. It has the

19:34

juice. I can imagine a more beautiful

19:37

thing. Robin, at the minute,

19:39

what is that song that he keeps singing? He has

19:41

no idea that he's doing a sex noise. Yeah. But

19:43

it's very funny. It's like, it's a song. How

19:46

is it going? It's a macaroni with the

19:48

chicken strips. With the chicken strips. Ah!

19:51

Well, then it's nice. Mm.

19:55

I fucking hate him doing it. And I can't

19:57

tell him why I don't like the noise. No, no. I

20:00

can't tell him why they're like the noise I make. That's a

20:02

sex noise. Yeah. Because he has no idea what sex

20:04

noises are. You

20:07

don't know this, but we are having a bit of technical difficulties

20:09

and Chris is stressing out a little bit. I'm not stressing

20:11

out. You are stressing. I'm not stressing

20:13

out. You've been stuttering. You've been freaking

20:15

out. You did a little check and I had a

20:18

drink and you went like this. I mean, sadly you

20:20

can't see me face, but just imagine someone lifting their

20:22

eyebrows up and doing a couple of nods like a... Well,

20:25

yeah, imagine I'm trying to test the inputs and you're opening

20:27

the loudest fucking water bottle in the whole world right into

20:29

your microphone. So I'm trying to test the sound level. A

20:31

comic relief water bottle. Jealous. Jealous.

20:35

Jealous. Actually feels like a

20:38

distant sort of memory slash dream.

20:40

Really? Because I haven't really done

20:42

anything else yet. So

20:44

I'm kind of like... Just fishing. Still working.

20:48

Can we just open the door here for you, right? This

20:50

job that we have is actually mad because we haven't had

20:52

much on at the minute. Which has been really good. Well,

20:54

we've had this, which takes up quite a lot of time. Yes,

20:57

obviously we do have a job, but it's been quite nice.

20:59

But at the same time, part of your brain goes, oh,

21:01

I'm dead now. Oh, yeah. That's why...

21:03

Nobody cares about me anymore. That's why if you sit

21:05

much in the telly and you see certain people and

21:07

you see them pop up and you think, fucking hell,

21:10

they're on everything all the time. They have to be.

21:12

Because when you're not on everything all the time, you

21:14

feel like you're not doing anything. It's a really strange

21:16

job. Really strange job to have. And they

21:19

live in London. And they live in the Turnipin

21:21

stuff. We're like, nah, three hour train there and

21:23

back. And I'm not in a hotel. Well, that's

21:25

fucking crap. Shut up, man. Listen,

21:27

so I had an emotional roller coaster

21:29

the other day. I was sitting watching...

21:31

I was watching YouTube with Robin. Have

21:33

we unbound YouTube now? Yes.

21:37

If I'm sitting next to him,

21:39

he's not watching anything weird. There is some quite... What's

21:41

really annoying is sometimes he goes on a... He started

21:44

watching this video about people breaking the

21:46

world record of Tetris. Right?

21:49

Oh, God. That sounds... It

21:52

was really interesting. Oh, Jesus Christ. Rosie, it was

21:54

so interesting. I would rather drink my

21:56

own piss. Right. Well, that

21:58

is an option. Because I can... than what? All

22:01

right, okay, we'll get a container for your piss and I'll

22:03

get that video queued up and

22:05

you can either drink your piss or you can watch the video. My

22:08

piss will probably taste all right. Do you reckon? I

22:10

drink loads of water. Absolutely, you. Toxic treat, that's

22:12

another toxic treat. Do you think your piss would

22:14

taste nice, don't you? No, I don't think it

22:16

would taste nice, but I drink so much water during

22:18

the day. And my piss is practically clear. But

22:21

it tastes like hot, sunny delight. Now listen. So,

22:24

what's up with the food? Tonight's childhood memory, I've just

22:26

had there actually. Sunny delight, yeah. Even hotter, sunny delight,

22:29

because like, I don't know, my mom didn't go shit,

22:31

she didn't keep stuff in the fridge and that. So

22:33

it was just warm. Oh. I know,

22:35

weird. And yeah, hot,

22:37

that's proper. That was a little treat.

22:40

Hot, sunny delight was a treat for you. I just

22:43

can't, I might have to ask. California or Florida? Oh,

22:46

hang on. I don't know. Yeah?

22:49

Don't know. Was one of them blue? Like not blue, the

22:51

colour, but this blue. The blue, yeah, yeah, yeah.

22:53

Gosh, because I don't honestly think I was a different. California was

22:56

the one. Really was it? Florida was very

22:58

tangy. Too sharp. California

23:00

was the one. Then they started bringing all kinds,

23:02

blue ones, purple ones, blue ones, it got crazy.

23:05

And then, I think then what happened, some kind

23:07

of medical or food board got in touch and

23:09

checked the sugar levels and went, sorry, can we

23:12

stop selling this please? Because this is, this is

23:14

poison, allegedly. I don't know, can you still buy

23:16

sunny delight? I don't know, but on it,

23:18

I thought I had to go and get it. I remember thinking it was

23:20

really healthy. I was like, oh, have some sunny delight, that's great. Do

23:22

you remember? I was trying to treat it in our house. The advert

23:25

when the kid opened the fridge and went, oh, let's see, oh, oh,

23:27

sunny day, all right. And then grabbed it.

23:30

Great, sunny day. I say that every time.

23:32

Listen, so we're watching these videos and

23:35

one of the thumbnails was a young girl and her

23:37

face was shocked and there was a little bag in the

23:39

picture with her. And the video was called,

23:42

I Found My Bag From

23:44

Kindergarten 2004. Oh

23:47

Jesus. And she was going on like it

23:49

was a fucking ancient relic that she'd found the

23:52

Ark of the Covenant. I was like,

23:54

what the hell? So it's kindergarten, so that's like. Should

23:57

we call it kindergarten over here now?

24:00

We'll do now, yeah, yeah, yeah. The nursery,

24:02

innit? Yeah. As it'd be for nursery. Over

24:05

here, kindergarten is like before the

24:07

year before nursery. So the one before the one before?

24:09

No nursery is the year before reception in

24:11

England. Oh Jesus, I don't know. I think

24:13

racing kindergarten. Right. At

24:15

these private nursery. Right. As

24:18

you start actual nursery at the same place in

24:20

September. Right, okay. Well, I

24:22

look. So, annoyingly now, when

24:24

he, every day, says, where am I going today?

24:27

He does, it's like a ship of moss. He's got

24:29

no home. And usually what I've found is I used

24:32

to, I took that, and he didn't want

24:34

to leave us. No, he wants to leave us.

24:36

Yeah, on the days I've said, you're with Mummy today, he's like, no.

24:40

And I'm like, right, I thought you were upset that you

24:42

were leaving here, but actually, you just want to leave. I

24:44

know, I know. But

24:46

anyway, whenever I say nursery, he's like, no. But he loves

24:48

it when he's there. From

24:51

September, you'll be getting, you have

24:53

to legally go. Right, you have to go.

24:55

Right now, there's part of my brain, part of my

24:57

stupid brain that kind of goes, doesn't

24:59

have to go, it's not actually. All right, we can have him then, if he doesn't

25:02

go, I'm not having him. No, but from September,

25:04

he has to go. Oh, this baby. I

25:06

can't hear the dog barking. Bears, dog, bears, dog.

25:08

Bears, dog, bears, dog. Listen, so this emotional work, can

25:11

I just say, so first of all, I saw this

25:13

video of this young lassen, she's like, 2004, my god,

25:15

the olden days, I was like, I'll kill you. Then,

25:18

I was in the other room watching. I'll

25:20

kill you, that's horrendous. General,

25:22

I'm not actually kidding, she's mad, I'm not gonna, what am

25:24

I gonna do? Get a flight, find her. You're in

25:26

2024 now, you're not allowed to

25:28

say things like that. Right, whatever. Gosh, she'll be 20. No,

25:30

she'll be 120. Oh god, that's

25:33

upsetting. Now, everything was, I

25:35

went in the other room, I started watching the UFC, and

25:37

I came through, and Robin sat next to us and watched

25:39

it for a bit. And he's like, daddy. Right, firstly, I

25:43

didn't know this. Oh, he comes and watches it a little bit. I

25:45

do not want to watch, what the fuck? Well, I don't want to

25:47

watch in the USA. Did you not know he watches it with us?

25:49

No. Oh, sometimes he watches it, yeah, yeah.

25:51

Right, no, I'm not okay with that. But they're

25:53

both up, they're all up for it. It's not like someone's getting bullied. They're

25:56

all up for it. I'm all right with that. Well, I don't, okay,

25:58

well. Right, well, we need to have a comment. I'm gonna

26:00

have a conversation off air about this. Okay,

26:03

well, off air conversation. Off

26:05

the clock, you're gonna have a, oh well, this is good. Right,

26:08

okay, off the record, but sort of maybe, Robin

26:10

went to BJJ, you've been taking him to

26:13

BJJ, went last night, and he was terrified.

26:16

Could that have anything to do with the fact that he'd just

26:18

watched UFC the day before? No, because it was striking. Could it

26:21

have anything to do with it? No, I think so. Well,

26:23

your eyes tell me fucking different.

26:26

Right. He's eight years old. Okay, well

26:28

look, you watch a little bit of it, and all I'm

26:30

seeing is you went, you love UFC, don't you know what I mean? Yeah, and he went, you

26:32

went, do you wanna do it when you're older?

26:36

Oh, that's kind of. I was

26:38

like, Robin, the depressing thing is I'm older than most fighters

26:40

on this card. Like, there was one

26:42

person, one fighter, was 40, and under

26:44

their name when they were getting introduced, there

26:46

was big, massive, couple letters, oldest fighter

26:48

on card. I went, that's unnecessary. That's

26:51

sad. I can't laugh at you at the minute, I'm really annoyed.

26:53

You're upset, oh. He just comes in, I look like, what are they, please?

26:55

I don't wanna watch it, it's so violent. Oh,

26:57

right, but it's a sport? Literally, right, hang on though,

27:00

he's not allowed to play Fortnite. Guns,

27:03

killing knives. I don't know, it's so, oh,

27:05

I'm really annoyed. Don't let him watch it. All right,

27:08

I'll let him watch it again, okay? Nothing

27:11

happened, it was quite a boring fight that he came in on. What

27:13

the fuck? Why, why have I got

27:15

to? You

27:19

can't be a control freak

27:21

and have any time off, so it's totally up to you.

27:25

Oh, how way though, come on. You

27:27

send him through the room I'm in, these things happen.

27:30

Oh, stop it, Chris, I don't wanna watch it in the

27:32

USA. Okay. And I've got nothing against the

27:34

USA, it's a great sport, bloody blah. I

27:36

just don't think it will be a good option. The bloody blah devalued

27:38

that day. Well, you know, you kinda ruin it for me, if

27:40

I'm honest with you. Yeah. It's

27:42

like, do I do my beef early? I

27:47

don't know. No, let's go and watch your beef next, I'll tell

27:49

you exactly why. Can you imagine, just say

27:51

it to someone, hey, congratulations

27:54

on your Wednesday, I hope you have a

27:56

lovely life together, bloody blah. Yeah.

27:58

I'm glad you know what that was. Hey

28:03

congratulations on the promotion Bloddy Blah. Yeah just

28:05

wait until your husband like an eight year

28:07

old wants you to say. Bloddy Blah. Bloddy

28:10

Blah. Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Bab. So

28:12

as you all know and as you

28:14

know Rosie our children's book

28:16

comes out soon. Yes. I

28:18

don't know if we're allowed to say the date but it comes out later in

28:21

the year. September. Oh I have yes September

28:23

12th we're allowed to say the date. We're allowed to say

28:25

it. So obviously it's called There's a Punami in My House.

28:28

I got an email about it. Well we got an

28:30

email but you haven't read the email yet. No. As

28:35

it says in the email if

28:38

I'd got it a couple weeks ago I would have thought it was an

28:40

April Fool. Just

28:42

to let everyone in behind the curtain of some

28:44

of the things we have to deal with how

28:46

strange our job is from day to day. This

28:49

is the email official email. Chris has

28:51

not let me read this email yet by the way. As soon

28:53

as I realised I hadn't read it I was like right let's save it.

28:56

This is from our fantastic editor Yasmin

28:59

at Simon & Schuster. So

29:02

obviously Paula is the person who's in the

29:04

illustrator and fantastic. I've seen some of the

29:06

illustrations. Paula Bowles. Yeah. Paula Bowles

29:08

is phenomenal illustrations really bring it to life. This

29:11

is something I never thought I'd have to deal with in my life. In

29:14

the email. Hi Chris and Rosie blah blah blah blah

29:17

blah blah blah

29:19

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah As

29:21

Paula has been moving to colour with

29:23

the inside art we've been looking at

29:25

various colour options for the poo. Oh

29:28

the colour of the poo? Ok we talked about this. Yeah

29:30

for the poo in the book. Yeah. Listen

29:32

to this. What we've learnt. It can't

29:35

be too brown because actually a big brown

29:37

page isn't very engaging for a young child

29:39

to look at. Right. Yes of

29:41

course. It can't be too mustard because

29:43

there's something quite ick about and diarrheal

29:45

like about that. And

29:48

it can't be too green because then it

29:50

starts more like other bodily functions like vomit

29:52

and phlegm etc. Jesus Christ. So that was,

29:54

that might have been the first thing I

29:56

read this morning when I woke up. So

29:59

what colour? We've gone with the mix.

30:01

There's the shades of it. The shades is like... Is there

30:03

an example of it? Yeah, I've got a picture of it

30:05

in this thing. Can I have a look? There's loads of

30:07

toys and stuff in it. It's looking good. It's looking good.

30:09

Alright, let me see. I'll tell you. Okay. Because

30:12

here's the thing, right? The poo takes over

30:14

the whole house. The book

30:16

is wrote. Yeah. Takes over the whole house. And

30:19

you don't want it to look like

30:21

full-on poo, do you? Well, it's gross. Yeah.

30:24

Nobody's gonna want to read that. But at the

30:26

same time, you want it to look like poo. Well, yeah, it's gonna look

30:28

like poo, but at the same time... Yeah. Not like poo.

30:30

So, here we've got here... Book poo. Book poo. So... Let

30:32

me see. There. Oh, okay. Oh, that's a night. Alright.

30:35

Okay, listen. I would paint a

30:37

kitchen back colour, maybe. Or a

30:39

wall. In a lovely, calm,

30:42

tranquil room. Yeah. Alright. Yeah. Who

30:44

would do that? You look sad, though. Yeah, yeah. About

30:47

the face colour. So,

30:49

it's gotten quite good. We've got baby toys and stuff. I think for

30:52

the kids to spot, I think it's really good. Oh, that looks good.

30:54

There you go. Oh, it's good. So, I

30:56

was involved in a high-level

30:58

email with the Book

31:00

publisher about the colour of shit.

31:02

A wave of shit. Guys, there's so much goes on

31:05

behind the scenes that you don't even know about. You don't know

31:07

what goes into it day to day. You

31:09

just don't know. Or

31:11

do your em... No. Please. No more

31:13

silly voices. No, people really enjoyed the

31:16

podcast. No. The podcast. The podcast.

31:18

The podcast. Oh, really? You don't

31:21

know what goes into day to day emails for

31:23

the poon armies and the podcasts. The

31:26

poon armies. Babadoo,

31:28

babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bass. Even.

31:33

When they're on a budget, we still deserve nice

31:35

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time for whatcha be. Whatcha

33:01

beef, whatcha beef, whatcha beef, beef, beef, beef, beef,

33:04

beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Alright,

33:06

so I'm sort of thinking that your beef with me

33:08

might be something to do with our child watching. No,

33:11

I mean that, that hadn't, I

33:13

don't know about that. Okay. Until he just

33:15

told us. So you've kind of already had your beef? No. Okay.

33:19

But my beef is USA related. Oh. Why does

33:21

it take so long to watch? Long old. And

33:24

then you have to, so you're not, you can't go

33:26

on social media until you've watched it. Do you all

33:28

cramming in every second of watching it? Do you want

33:30

to know how to do it? What? Watch

33:32

it live. Just take the night and watch it live. Okay, so

33:34

I can have a lie in the next day. Yeah. Okay.

33:37

So you are going to allow me on a

33:39

Saturday night to watch it.

33:41

So can you take away, see, allow

33:43

you, like I'm your mother? Oh,

33:47

I'm pretending to everyone that. Stop. Oh, we're

33:49

doing well for pretending. Oh,

33:51

sorry, I didn't realise. Right, okay. So,

33:54

um, I, of

33:56

my own free will, I

33:58

will, no matter what you say. Even though

34:00

you wouldn't say they get sick as

34:02

his dad cool an easy going to

34:04

get laid back. I'll stay off on

34:06

earth are at a our our so

34:08

what's the eleven o'clock and then if

34:10

is about four five in the morning

34:12

and then how long the fight school

34:14

and then out by humans can't win

34:16

out on his own. A bullet. I

34:19

go wherever on Sundays on Aws. Notices

34:22

suited or get about come down to the

34:25

phone and maybe have a coffee. Shop

34:28

or to see as enough human that I haven't been

34:30

around. For. Them on and. Off

34:32

not acts York for. Him

34:36

to sue us I have

34:39

easy breezy eleven Squeezy. Less

34:41

of the woman liquidity. A

34:43

Pokemon stay? Hot

34:47

day I then okay

34:49

listen. I am do not

34:51

write about money in my bank, lending their

34:53

flight back all neatly Moment need men need

34:55

sister, me, dad and I to. Stories you.

34:59

Say I. Honestly have

35:01

a motive your engineer and this. Gonna

35:05

have improved. You. Watch the

35:07

Usa so don't attend a cruel. And. I'm

35:09

saying is a V Immediate Zetas. We

35:11

do a podcast called Lucky we've got

35:14

to see some of that about yet

35:16

or even no other Keepers Eight mentally

35:18

and physically. I just want a microphone.

35:20

Sylvan. And Iowa everything that happens in

35:22

as As M know I just find

35:24

it ridiculous that you've got it is

35:26

crime. It ended every second. So I

35:29

don't normally have the prominent every second half

35:31

the remake. You know this happens quite last

35:33

year. I don't know. I've only been prominent

35:35

this week's because it was U S C.

35:37

Three hundred. The three hundred number event that

35:39

the data was masses. Every single fight on

35:41

that called could be the headline event it

35:43

was in see and right I. Have

35:46

a crime that in because so many people are talking

35:48

about it is such a big thing. Lovely. Know about

35:50

it was a line. I will not

35:52

let with those people are just footman casuals. the wake up

35:54

on the Sunday to go through Instagram look at all the

35:56

headlight that look all the highlights of the not out and

35:58

go. Okay he beat him she. Beta Build

36:00

A Don't I like this? I

36:03

watch the full thing. I wanted to prove

36:05

more. Get a what's the walkman or the

36:07

octagon of watch everything. I listened to everything

36:09

like all of the comedy, all of that

36:11

on linux or like. Other. People just

36:14

go are check or legacy. Who'd want budget

36:16

offer? You do it. It's like you

36:18

don't mean oh, did you watch the episodes on odds Read:

36:20

i read the prof something at the end or you did

36:22

What? Are the know? Okay, let's have been on the

36:24

hundred and I that limited a loser yet. To

36:26

see normally I just do to me on time every

36:29

single week for the past six or seven or eight

36:31

weeks has been of then everything we and Be mater

36:33

when the kids go to bed when you go much

36:35

that are just be more to that but this one

36:37

I couldn't because what happened yesterday the broken window cleaner

36:39

or didn't want to go outside the had a really

36:42

weird feeling that the window cleaner watched as well or

36:44

didn't win a gold sight to see him because of

36:46

like what if he tells us about it but it

36:48

turns out he was was in the window that he

36:50

saw through the window one of the results and I

36:52

went out What you enjoy watching the Usa and aren't

36:55

yeah when a when I'm avoid. The results are when

36:57

you didn't say the did, usually I just saw that not.

36:59

note. The Soviet

37:01

citizen but it's it's it's because it's so

37:03

I've had to like open text messages the

37:06

yeah yeah yeah yeah has it become were

37:08

never did go much what he said what's

37:10

what's Jordan's and or sat in his as

37:12

about the Usa and I'm like seriously this

37:15

is exactly my life sorting office. After

37:17

open a text and aftergood whatever.

37:19

watch telly. I. Thought

37:21

you were late boss He. Knows all

37:23

right sorry as you on

37:26

this had a minute I

37:28

am in the oven and

37:30

more Not. Squeezes you me baffle em

37:32

right. It's my turn for be that many beef with

37:34

you. Can you turn your goddamn heater off and die

37:36

in here like. It or obese of is that what he

37:38

said that. In. Offering many be for to be body. Hours sleep.

37:40

The sleep day that has not. Really

37:42

his com an office of might be in my

37:44

just be a general under. My.

37:47

To the me lushness. Down. Nice

37:49

cellophane. Okay,

37:51

it's a bit bernie. Okay, so

37:53

yes, my beef if you can

37:55

imagine you got one. Are they

37:57

how. easy it is this is a

38:01

I do feel like this could be a real

38:03

argument. I'm

38:07

going for it. It's

38:11

an epiphany I had the other day. So

38:14

the beef starts with a beef. And

38:19

the beef is, when you do me

38:21

garlic bread with cheese, you

38:25

cover that fucking bacon tree in cheese.

38:33

When I do garlic bread with cheese, I put

38:35

the cheese on the garlic bread, then I put the garlic bread onto the

38:37

bacon tree. One

38:40

or two bits fall on that bacon tree. You

38:43

put the cheese on the bacon tree.

38:47

You put the garlic bread on that bacon

38:49

tree, then you just saltbait that

38:51

mozzarella and it goes fucking everywhere. And

38:54

there's more mozzarella on the bacon tree than

38:56

there is on the garlic bread. I

38:59

have to angle grind her it off

39:01

later on. By

39:04

the cost of living crisis, everyone's in a cost

39:06

of living crisis. But Chris buys

39:08

his mozzarella by the pack. Doesn't

39:11

even grate it. No,

39:13

not grate me on mozzarella. I'm a

39:15

busy man. I spend so much time scraping and

39:18

cleaning and refurbishing bacon trees that

39:20

you've destroyed. I might as

39:22

well start my own YouTube channel doing it like that guy

39:24

who refurbishes Cast Iron Skillet. Me,

39:28

just in a garage, just scraping

39:30

bacon trees. Millions of views, right?

39:34

However... Is that not just your beef? Yes,

39:37

it is my beef, but there's another part of it. I

39:40

used to have to beg you to put garlic bread

39:42

on my meals. That had garlic bread, right? I just

39:44

forget, yeah. You used

39:46

to forget. Especially garlic bread with cheese, you used to

39:48

forget. You did me garlic bread the

39:50

other day with cheese. I didn't even ask

39:52

for it. Yeah? You

39:55

were trying to feed me up. I'm really not. You

39:57

were trying to feed me up. I was trying to

39:59

be fucking nice. Jesus Christ. I can't win, you are.

40:02

You are a nightmare? I

40:05

cannot win. I

40:08

put that in, and also the kids, I did it for the

40:10

kids as well. I can't win with you. And

40:12

what have I wrote there? What have I wrote

40:14

there? Just everyone, I want you to know genuinely,

40:16

what have I wrote there? I

40:20

don't like touching cheese. I hate touching

40:22

cheese. I absolutely

40:24

loathe touching cheese. It makes us feel physically,

40:27

I've got like a fear with cheese. I'm

40:30

trying to keep count of the things that go against you

40:32

laid back. Not a Jude here. I'm

40:34

not, no, everyone knows, it won't be done in

40:36

four years. I'm not laid back at all. Don't

40:38

like touching cheese, so you're lucky. Why did you write that

40:40

down? Because I forget things.

40:46

Why did you write yourself in the... That

40:48

was like... But I wasn't taking notes. Why?

40:51

Why didn't you just say it? Because I don't like touching cheese.

40:53

Because I was waiting till he finished. Sorry,

40:58

sorry. You turned it round and made such a

41:00

moment. It's like when a magician gives someone an

41:02

envelope on Friday and then they've got to open

41:04

it on Saturday and have the lottery numbers in. But is that

41:06

not quite a big deal? The fact that I make you

41:08

garlic bread with cheese when I genuinely hate touching cheese. Oh

41:10

yeah, you do. Isn't that not quite good? Yeah, I

41:12

think you write it down and reveal it like David

41:14

Blaine. I don't think you understand that, my brain. I

41:17

would have forgot. I would have

41:19

got to the point and I'd have gone, well, fuck

41:21

you. If that's how bad your memory

41:23

is, I'm actually surprised I get garlic bread with cheese, so I take

41:25

it back and thank you very much. You're welcome.

41:28

I hate touching it. And I just put it on

41:30

and hope for the best. And I don't want to

41:32

have to pick up the little flaky bits to put

41:34

them on the bread. Wow. You don't understand how much

41:37

I hate touching cheese. It makes

41:39

me want to die. I

41:41

really don't like cheese. Oh, in that case. Great.

41:43

And when you've got a great cheese. Oh. That's

41:46

actually why we're back at the back of the

41:48

cheese. Great already. Great blingy much. Yeah. Babadoo,

41:51

babadoo, babadoo. It's

41:53

time for questions from the public. It's a great

41:55

question from the public. I have another question already,

41:57

customer. Can you give me a minute? Hey, time's

41:59

money. Time is running, keep moving, keep moving here, come

42:01

on. What's the first question? What's the first question? Please stop.

42:04

If you'd like to get in touch, it's

42:06

shaggedmarriedinoid.com. Thank you

42:09

so much. Would you genuinely do not take it

42:11

for granted how much incredible stuff you've sent, but

42:13

over the years and you continue to keep sending

42:15

them. And obviously, you know, if

42:17

you even remember the most putrid dog fart you smell

42:19

of earlier on, you email Adan as well. Do you

42:21

wanna guess how many emails? Because actually, we've had a

42:23

warning that we need to get rid of the, do

42:26

you wanna guess how many emails are in the email?

42:28

Sorry, what's this about warning? Don't tell us about a warning that we

42:30

need to, then move on to something else. Oh, so it's like

42:32

95% full, the storage. Oh,

42:35

they're gonna get you to pay. I think they are,

42:37

you know. Don't you fuck, guys? Do you email, is that what

42:39

something's gonna do? Oh yeah, that's, that's shaking you down, man. Shaking

42:41

you down, but it's all the storage, man. We just need to

42:43

get rid of some stuff. Guess how many emails there

42:46

is. How many? Me

42:50

telling you it takes away the element of you guessing at it.

42:52

Oh, well shall I write it down and turn it around for

42:54

no reason, eh? Eh,

42:56

all right, I'm gonna do that thing. I'm gonna do that thing where

42:58

I'll be out. Oh, you're gonna

43:00

read it over again. Six million. Right, there's not

43:02

six million. Seven million. No. Eight

43:05

million. Down. Five million?

43:07

Cold. Four

43:09

million. Cold. Three million? Oh,

43:11

by the way, I played hot and cold with Ray

43:13

the other day, but nobody's actually told him what hot

43:16

and like, the way you get to play

43:18

it, so I'm going cold, and he's just looking at me. I'm

43:20

eating his shit, and I was like, oh, no

43:22

one's explaining the game of hot and cold to you. And

43:24

the 61,000. 44

43:28

emails. Wow. Yeah.

43:30

Genuinely incredible, thank you. I know, thanks everyone.

43:32

Brilliant. But just because I've told you that there's loads,

43:34

please don't, because some of them are absolute bullshit. Oh

43:36

yeah, some of them are. Some of them. I'm

43:39

gonna toss. Can you please stop, because you

43:41

clearly don't fucking listen to the podcast, but

43:43

it's called Bible something. I

43:45

keep sending them stuff, and I'm like, what are you, I'm

43:47

gonna have a look. I

43:50

think they're being gotten rid of. Just

43:53

like Bible Watch keeps emailing them. Bible

43:55

Watch? Come on. Did

43:57

I accidentally sign up for Bible Watch on the Shagemorinoidi, man?

44:00

me personally mate? Oh is that what it is? I was wondering if I

44:02

wasn't getting me Bible update.

44:05

Quick ick for you right? Quick ick? Even

44:07

though being on to all of these. Quick quick

44:10

quick quick quick quick quick quick quick quick

44:12

quick quick quick quick. Ick is

44:15

in quick? Yeah. He

44:18

is a quick for you. Right

44:21

saving time there. Did he?

44:24

That's the other phrase money

44:26

never sleeps. Sometimes

44:29

I wish we video it because your face

44:31

when you found out just there that

44:33

quick was a ick. It was like a dog's face when

44:36

it farts. Very exciting.

44:38

The other phrase money never sleeps. Couple

44:40

of South Shields. On

44:43

a Tuesday night at half eleven. Money is evolution.

44:45

Yeah try and go to the pub. All my favourite pubs

44:50

are shut on a Monday. Yeah. All the

44:52

coffee shops. But I'm a

44:54

Monday drinker. All of the coffee shops are shut

44:56

on a Monday where we live. Like on a Monday if

44:58

you want it. If you think I'm gonna go for breakfast

45:01

with my friends we're all off on Monday. No time. Good

45:03

fucking look because they're all shut. Unless it's Frank Holiday in

45:05

which case they'll all be open and they'll be fucking rammed.

45:07

Why are they all shut? Because we're a nine to

45:09

five town. And in the open on a weekend they

45:11

have to have a day to take hairdressers. Anyway. Hi

45:14

guys. Quick ick for you. When

45:16

my partner is carrying the shopping

45:19

bags to the car he does bicep curls with

45:21

them. Occasionally he makes a grunting

45:23

noise as he does it. I walk at a

45:25

distance behind as I personally find it more

45:27

like. Listen. Gotta get the gains

45:30

in when you can. Gotta get the gains in when

45:32

you can. Don't skip bicep shopping

45:34

day. There's a guy on below deck

45:36

that I'm watching at the minute. And he just

45:39

keeps doing bicep curls right?

45:41

Bicep curls? What they call pull ups in that. Chin

45:43

ups and pull ups. Chin ups and pull ups. I

45:45

knew you meant that. I knew you had it wrong. Yeah.

45:48

Another toxic treat of mine. Yeah. When I watch it

45:50

I think I could do that.

45:52

I couldn't go there. No. Next time I go to

45:55

the park I'll firmly do one. That'll be fun. I

45:57

can't do them. I can't do

45:59

them. And I've just lost loads of weight and I can't do it.

46:02

Right. Really hard. So

46:04

I had a friend when I was younger who

46:06

could fucking rattle out 50 because he was little,

46:08

he was really light and his arms were quite

46:11

strong. He levitated up down. It

46:13

was the same guy who wears jeans to work out.

46:16

No different guy. His jeans are heavy then. But

46:19

I could never do them. There was a phase

46:22

that we went through, we were about 30 and

46:24

40 and we all went to Argos and bought

46:26

weights. Oh yeah. We bought weights,

46:28

we bought the pull-up bar that you screw outwards

46:30

into your door. I care if I had one.

46:32

Yeah, yeah. And we bought the stands

46:36

to do press-ups with. It's

46:39

the handles that you put on the floor so

46:41

you can get deeper into your press-up. Yeah, I never use them.

46:43

Waste the time. Is that what they're for? I think my dad's

46:45

still got the weights. But yeah,

46:47

they get deeper in. Right.

46:49

Deep into your press-up, really open up your peck tools. That's

46:51

not something I did. It's a very funny mind on

46:53

Below Deck. He keeps doing, like you know when you're walking

46:56

up on the yacht and they've

46:58

got the sort of metal things, he

47:00

keeps doing like dits on there and

47:02

the bosons are like, stop that. You're

47:05

going to break them. Brilliant.

47:07

Stop that. Hello.

47:10

When you were talking about prefects the other week,

47:12

it jogged a memory. A senior school, me and

47:14

my best friend made a pact that if only

47:17

one of us got picked to be a prefect,

47:19

we would turn it down. Oh,

47:22

that's great. Duty. Love

47:25

it. All the

47:27

names were called out, including mine, but not hers.

47:30

The head of year asked if anyone didn't want the

47:32

position and I stood up in front of the whole

47:34

year and said, me. No way.

47:36

She went through with it. She was like, I don't want

47:38

it. No way. Fair enough. She

47:40

asked why and I said, I just don't.

47:43

Trying to be nonchalant. Wow. I'd

47:46

break. I saw my friend and she sheepishly

47:48

said, guess what I got offered? No

47:51

way. Your prefect, please. I

47:54

said, you better not have took it. And she said, I did.

47:57

No, fuck away. I

48:00

had to walk past her every day standing in what

48:03

would have been my spot in the corridor. What

48:05

a dick. I'm in my 50s now and my

48:08

old friends from school still mentioning. I

48:13

will stay anonymous but if she hears this and she

48:15

will know who I hope she's still ashamed. Probably

48:19

sitting there with our badge on buzzing.

48:22

You will never get this. What a snake. That's

48:25

amazing. Similar thing happened to me recently.

48:27

I haven't told you about this. What? Come on. Who am I

48:29

beating up? Me and all the lads went to

48:31

London. Yeah. We

48:34

walked into the Levi's shop and

48:37

went downstairs. There was a lovely green jumper on the wall.

48:39

I went over and I went, I love that. I went

48:41

and looked at it. It was in medium. I found me

48:43

in medium. I went, brilliant medium. And Sean,

48:46

me mate, went, oh, I'll

48:48

have to lush that. I'll get it as well. And he

48:50

picked up a lodge and I went, that doesn't matter. And

48:52

he just bought it. You

48:54

could have had the same jumper, you know. I'm not on the same jumper.

48:57

It's weird. I mean, that is a bit weird. We're not both going

48:59

in. Do you want my brothers? Imagine

49:02

the people behind the counter, two Jordies in

49:04

the Levi's shop in London. It was the

49:06

one next to Covent Garden. Two

49:08

Jordies in there. Oh aye, did you know

49:10

they came down on a weekend trip and they bought the same jumper

49:12

and they both skipped on out. You don't see them that often.

49:15

They say them quite a lot. They do say them quite a

49:17

lot. My kid bought the same jacket as

49:19

me and she wears it all the time.

49:21

And I'm like, well, that jacket is

49:23

a dead domain now. Why don't you? Why

49:25

don't you wear

49:28

yours or put a little prefect bar dry? Yes,

49:31

she was never a prefect. When you accessorise in it,

49:33

how are you winning? The thing that makes it

49:35

sad though is she looks a lot better in it

49:37

than I do. Right, OK. That's what ruined it. Ah,

49:39

OK. So there was a time

49:41

when obviously I put on a lot

49:44

of weight when I had the kids. I'm still trying

49:46

to lose it. I'm getting there. Kate lost

49:48

a lot of weight. I give out a lot of my old

49:50

clothes. Right. My size 10s, the

49:52

last 12s. Right. I'm now getting

49:54

down to me 12. She often

49:56

wears the clothes I give her. Right. And I get really sad

49:59

when I say it. them in and when I say I in

50:01

them and I think I should never give you

50:03

them. Right yeah and obviously

50:05

we all know giving clothes exactly the same as

50:07

giving a kidney no take your back please. No take

50:09

your back please. No take your back

50:12

please. Just got to be there

50:14

be good that she looks better in the clothes than

50:16

I do on fitting anymore. But

50:19

I still do really like myself. You're beautiful.

50:21

Thank you. No I feel mint at

50:23

the minute. Good. I do. Feel great. Feeling

50:25

good. Looking good. Feeling great. Need

50:27

to do me tan though because I can't look at myself in

50:29

the mirror. Oh my god that's case only when they're passed

50:31

out. Oh. So

50:33

here's something interesting. Is it

50:35

interesting though? Is it going to be interesting?

50:38

Depends. Come on then. I

50:40

rescued my undercarriage from an ingrown hair

50:43

this morning. I can't

50:46

believe we've been talking about it now and I haven't heard

50:49

this. Come on then. How did you not know? You rescued

50:51

your undercarriage from an ingrown hair. I feel like they're

50:53

coming on the last few days. And I

50:55

was like I need a look at this. Had a little look

50:57

in the mirror and I tweezed it out this morning.

51:02

Oh cool. Thank you.

51:06

Thanks babe. Stored up. Appreciate that.

51:08

Stored up. Thank you. Watch our

51:11

gatetas and die from the infector

51:13

and blood. Yeah. Yeah. And

51:15

see I'm the Catastrophider. No

51:19

so I Catastrophide. Yeah. I'm too lazy

51:21

to do anything about it but I

51:24

do definitely Catastrophide. Right okay. Okay.

51:26

Good. Okay shall we carry on? Yeah

51:29

let's. Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Bats. Dear

51:31

Chris and Rosie hope you both well.

51:33

You well? I am. I'm

51:36

alright. I was better if I'd been schooled before hearing about

51:38

the ingrown hair but I'm alright. I'm well.

51:40

I'm wellish. I'm getting there.

51:42

Good. Long time less now first time

51:45

emailer. Yay. This could even be of

51:47

Rosie's mysteries. Here we go. I'm

51:50

up to date on all episodes so I'm working

51:52

my way back through to the beginning. I'm mad

51:54

that people do that. We love

51:56

love. I love that. Yeah thank you. Currently

51:59

listening to episode of... where Rosie

52:01

talks about her experience of getting stoned to

52:03

Pontons. I don't remember telling that

52:05

story. And having to sacrifice her friend's dressing

52:07

gown to put on a fire. Yes,

52:09

that is true. There was a fire. The

52:13

bath was still full. It

52:15

was actually really good on our part to be honest with you.

52:18

Well done. This took me back to

52:20

my second year of uni, where me

52:22

and my housemate decided we would try getting

52:24

high for the first time. In

52:26

Brackett's late at the party, I know. Not really. Not

52:28

really. Not a party loser.

52:31

What? Jokes off her mugs.

52:33

They are for mugs. Get off her mugs.

52:36

Bit of a back story. We went to

52:38

Nottingham uni, and for anyone who knows the

52:40

Lenton area, where all the students live, it's

52:42

not exactly known for its community feel. I

52:44

don't know what that must... I

52:47

don't know. I don't know where the student

52:49

area Nottingham is. No, neither do I. I know there's two unis,

52:51

and she didn't see a trench, so she must be at Nottingham.

52:54

Right. You're really weird at knowing stuff like that, aren't

52:56

you? University gigs. Oh.

52:59

I first started stand-up university gigs. Yeah. Yep.

53:02

A few weeks prior, we'd been burgled. Oh, God.

53:05

In Brackett's it says, while all in the

53:07

house I'm the ad, but that's a story

53:09

for another day. Annoying. I don't like to have heard that.

53:12

I like to have heard that a bit. Mm. Email

53:14

that. When am I going to see you again? Like, oh, God. Okay.

53:17

So my dad decided to send a security camera to

53:20

put in the ground floor between the window at the

53:22

front of the house to monitor the front door. Got

53:24

you. Just do it. That's nice. Yeah. Now,

53:28

back to the herbal part of the story. In

53:30

our naivety, we didn't know the first place to

53:32

go for weed or how much to pick up,

53:35

as they say. Learn and

53:37

lingo. So, we ended

53:39

up communicating through a friend of a

53:41

friend who recommended we keep things fairly

53:43

minimal for our first experience. Weed

53:45

acquired. We then had the issue

53:47

of grinding this and trying. Like, if

53:49

you're going to try weed for the first time, don't do it by yourself.

53:52

Yeah, I wouldn't like it. Because

53:54

this sounds like the worst joint in the entire history

53:56

of drinking. Isn't there something where if you leave the

53:58

stems and... the stalks and that

54:00

in you just get a massive headache and feel ill. I've

54:02

never ever made I've never rolled a joint

54:04

in my life. I've just no um pick

54:06

out the seeds and stems. Okay

54:09

what's that from? Was it

54:11

an Afro man song? Roll roll roll my

54:13

joint pick out the seeds and stems. Oh

54:15

like roll roll roll your boat.

54:21

No. No not like roll roll roll your boat. That's

54:24

roll roll roll my joint that's it roll

54:26

roll roll my boat. Yeah but I think it's

54:28

a different tune. You literally sang it

54:30

to the tune of roll roll roll my boat. That

54:33

is my accident because I don't fucking know what tune of yours

54:35

we're doing. Right great okay god this is

54:37

painful. Anyway we then

54:39

had the issue of grinding this and trying

54:41

to roll our first joint followed by the

54:43

realisation we didn't even own a lighter. I

54:46

knew you were going to say that. We had to light it using

54:48

the gas stove. Oh gosh. Honestly we

54:50

should have given up at this point. Yeah this is

54:52

a disaster. We managed to roll five

54:54

joints until the weed had all been used up

54:56

and the endeavours could begin. Five

54:59

joints on your first time. Mikey! Geez.

55:01

Trying to achieve the full experience we decided

55:04

to hotbox in my bedroom. Are they? You're

55:06

gonna die? AKA the room with

55:08

the security camera. What?

55:10

I know I feel like the security camera is like

55:13

looking outside or it might be in the room. Well

55:15

no it was supposed to be. But what I get from this is

55:17

first of all a thing I forgot

55:19

didn't realise to pick up on there was this

55:21

was the days when your dad had to send

55:23

you a security camera. I just got one off

55:25

Amazon because security cameras are ten a penny right

55:28

now. We dad had to send us one. And

55:30

then it's supposed to be in the hallway but

55:32

just had it in our room for some reason. That's

55:34

awful. Really strange. Oh because

55:36

the dad it'll not be in the days where the dad's not

55:38

getting it on his phone or anything is he? Well we

55:40

don't you know I know. No it doesn't mention the

55:43

dad getting it on his phone. So it's not

55:45

weird. Part of me was like that.

55:47

Yeah. That's a different thing. Anyway it's

55:50

important to note at this point that being

55:52

Ganja Granny's we didn't know what we were

55:54

meant to be feeling when the weed hit.

55:57

Let me paint the picture. Two ninety year old girls who

55:59

are rather and patient at the best of times

56:01

who after smoking their first joint convinced themselves

56:03

they didn't feel any different. Oh my god.

56:05

So proceeded to smoke the second and third

56:07

in quick succession. Oh I haven't before. It's

56:09

not gonna die. All of a sudden there's

56:11

an incessant thumping on the front door which

56:13

must have gone on for the best part

56:15

of a few minutes. Right. Remembering

56:18

the nifty security camera we log on

56:21

and can see two community protection officers

56:23

outside our door. Right, so it's

56:25

the room with the security monitor not the

56:27

fucking camera. The camera that's inside she's got

56:29

the monitor in her room. She's got the

56:31

monitor, she's got the screen. Right. Okay. Not

56:34

looking like they were moving on to the next house any time soon

56:36

so there's two community PCOs. What are they

56:38

called? CPOs. Community. Yes

56:41

that's the one. Obviously by

56:43

this point we're both high as fuck. Praying.

56:46

Praying I suppose yeah but I think I mean praying. Praying. Preying

56:50

to high heaven that we're not gonna get done for

56:52

possession and be kicked out of

56:54

uni. Right. In brackets studying

56:56

law frantically suggested we get rid of the evidence

56:59

as quickly as we can so my question to

57:01

you is what did we do with

57:03

the two remaining joints? You get them. Next

57:05

question. Right. Yep. Okay

57:08

you're wrong. Really? Yeah.

57:11

Wow. Like why would I read that

57:13

out? Don't know. Oh. Go

57:15

on the window. Go again I'm sorry I apologize. No you've had

57:17

your hand. No I apologize. No please. I

57:20

did try. No please. No

57:22

please. Please. Yes. Don't

57:26

mind it guys. Okay. You're wrong.

57:28

Great. After a little planning time I

57:30

did what I thought was the only option and threw the joint

57:32

in my mouth and started chewing as quick as I could. Hey!

57:35

Okay one of them put the one of them tooted. I'll let you off.

57:37

Half a point. Oh for the point.

57:40

God almighty you bastard. Oh

57:42

you would be a prefect. You would take that

57:44

prefect job wouldn't you? That's you. Half

57:46

a point. My housemate had

57:49

other ideas. I turned round

57:51

to find her trousers around her ankles while

57:53

she was bent over in front of

57:56

the mirror shoving. Up

58:00

her arm! OK, well I've

58:02

said Nick as I was like, how's she doing? Like

58:04

she's going for a present stint!

58:11

Safe to say... Is it the Marathyn? She's

58:14

in her house with the Marathyn! Make sure he

58:16

goes up straight! Safe to say

58:18

I was sick as a dog later that evening

58:20

from ingesting the weed or smoking for too much,

58:22

we'll never know. My housemaid's boyfriend

58:25

had possibly one of the most unromantic

58:27

evenings while he tried to pull out

58:29

the joint from it. Imagine

58:35

though, it's been a long time

58:37

since I've ruled any sort of

58:39

tobacco or anything but the tobacco

58:41

is like flaky and horrible and

58:43

cold. Fortnite later I was just

58:45

in the library and fart and someone's like, you got

58:47

weed? You got weed? Someone's selling weed, is

58:50

someone carrying weed? I know, it's just every time I fart I

58:52

blow a little bit of ganja that's been wedged up there for

58:54

a couple of weeks. That's really nice. Stuff like that

58:56

that binds you as a friend. Five

58:58

years later, myself and my housemaid are now living

59:00

together in London and it's safe to say we

59:02

won't be repeating any of the same antics in

59:05

another feeble attempt to get high. Fantastic

59:07

that, well played. Very good, well done. Oh

59:09

wow. But drugs are for mugs. Yes, drugs

59:11

are for mugs. They really are. Shout

59:13

out, yeah. Oh we're currently

59:16

watching. Baby Reindeer, the Richard

59:18

Gadd thing on Netflix. Unbelievable. Tough watch,

59:20

but incredible. It is a tough watch, but brilliant.

59:22

We're only on episode four, I think we'll get

59:24

that finished this week. No spoilers, but the

59:26

bits of where he's taking drugs, we were

59:29

devastated. I just honestly don't think, I've never done

59:31

hard drugs. I just don't think I would like it.

59:33

It's very, very well done in

59:36

capturing how mucky and

59:38

minging. Yeah. The

59:41

bits where he's like taking,

59:43

I don't want to give anything away but there's bits of where

59:45

he's taking drugs. It does it so well.

59:47

It's done as well as, dare I say it's done

59:50

as well as the do it in Trainspotting. Yeah.

59:53

It's done that well. Do I though? To

59:55

make it murky and sinister and dark and dirty

59:57

and muggy. I have to say, I've had

59:59

time. I had a time morphine when I was

1:00:01

having Robin. And that was what

1:00:04

it looked like. Is that what heroin's

1:00:06

like? Sorry, I've never had heroin.

1:00:08

Why are you, what the hell? No,

1:00:11

I know you haven't, but like, you know, I don't

1:00:13

know. It looks awful. Look, everything I've seen on

1:00:16

telly, every depiction I've ever seen of heroin. So what's

1:00:18

time morphine like? What level is that? I don't

1:00:20

know, it'd be like an opiate, wouldn't it? It'll be like

1:00:22

a, I don't know. Lovely, it was really

1:00:24

nice. I mean, mixed with the

1:00:26

pain of labor, but it was a mint feeling. I

1:00:28

remember I had a bit of a laugh. Oh

1:00:31

yeah, you were. Remember I thought you had a handbag? Or did

1:00:33

I have a handbag? What was I saying? I was holding something.

1:00:36

No, what happened? Something funny happened. I can't

1:00:38

remember, I was fucking, it was horrible. It was one

1:00:40

of the worst nights of my life. I can't remember. I'm sure, at

1:00:42

one point, no, but you told it. Do you not know in between

1:00:44

you being off your tits when you were having Robin, I was going

1:00:46

out in the corridor and crying and phoning my dad and phoning Carl

1:00:49

Hutchinson. I know. So I didn't have a

1:00:51

nice time. I'm making it all about you. Brilliant. Weren't

1:00:53

you? Brilliant. Morphine, you fucking

1:00:56

snake. Thank

1:01:03

you for listening to this week's podcast, which

1:01:06

is part of the Acast Creator Network. Fucking

1:01:08

hell, that was a disaster. You did it once, you

1:01:10

did it, that was too fast. Do it again. You

1:01:12

didn't even say Shagged Mountain Oid. Thank you for listening to

1:01:14

Shagged Mountain Oid. They know what they're listening to. What, do

1:01:16

they know? Do you think people are? Eh, it's very.

1:01:19

Listen, thank you so much for listening.

1:01:21

If you want to get in touch,

1:01:23

it's [email protected]. Please subscribe or follow

1:01:25

on your podcast apps. I've still got a bang

1:01:27

left drum and we'll be back in the ears

1:01:30

next week. See you later. Bye. Hey

1:01:40

folks, I'm Mark Maron from the WTF

1:01:43

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