0:00

The light behind you. Your ceiling

0:02

light looks like a nipple.

0:04

Oh, oh. It is

0:06

one of those boop Nepal lights.

0:34

Welcome back to another episode of shit. We

0:36

don't tell mom, this is.

0:37

This is Christie.

0:39

So today we are going to be

0:41

talking about our new life events.

0:43

If you are a follower

0:46

on Instagram, you'll see that there

0:48

are two big changes in

0:50

Christina and I's life

0:52

wait, hold up. Welcome back to season

0:54

three.

0:55

Oh yeah. Welcome back to season three.

0:58

This episode will be released on

1:00

October 3rd, which is,

1:02

we need to say that.

1:03

Yeah. But it's mean girls day.

1:05

Oh, okay. Go

1:07

girls day. Like, you know?

1:08

3rd.

1:10

Classic. That's how, you know, if you're a millennial

1:13

is

1:14

When you can recite the movie by going

1:16

through your brain files. Although, if

1:18

you watch it now, it feels

1:20

mighty problematic in many areas

1:23

like friends.

1:24

I definitely remember watching certain episodes

1:26

and I'm like, Ooh, that would not

1:28

fly.

1:30

Okay. So today's episode, it's

1:32

another episode of our shit,

1:34

which means we're going to update each other and

1:37

update you guys on

1:39

what has been going on with

1:41

our lives and how we are managing

1:44

our mental health. So

1:46

what's going on with you?

1:49

Well, I got a puppy.

1:51

You became a.

1:52

I became a mom, I got a puppy a month and a

1:54

half ago. It was right

1:57

at the beginning of the, one of the busiest

1:59

time during work as well. So.

2:03

Yeah. It's, it's been

2:05

so much work.

2:06

You don't sound very excited about it.

2:09

Okay. I love her. Uh,

2:11

but I don't know if I like her yet.

2:13

It's a lot of responsibilities. It's the first time

2:16

in my life that I'm responsible for another

2:18

living being, oh,

2:21

we know I had a hamster.

2:22

Okay, well, that counts, but that's how I'm feeling

2:25

now that I bought myself a plant that's that's

2:29

Yeah. Yeah. You know, they say that,

2:32

plants are the new pets. are

2:35

the new babies and babies

2:37

are exotic animals because

2:40

you gotta be rich and a little bit of crazy

2:42

to get one.

2:43

yep. I'm totally in

2:45

with that. I know my plant is

2:47

not going to be the

2:49

same as having a puppy,

2:51

but I, I see what you mean by like, I

2:53

look at this organism and I'm

2:55

thinking, wow, it's life depends

2:58

on me and I can kill

3:01

it. If I don't have my shit together.

3:04

it holds you responsible. Like

3:06

I have to have my shit together. I

3:09

have to have a routine. Like

3:11

you have to water your plant every whatever

3:13

day it is. I totally get it.

3:15

Okay, you unconditionally love

3:17

her. Like that came out very

3:19

confident when you said that,

3:22

but then you're like, Hmm, but I'm not, I don't,

3:24

I don't like her yet. And that

3:27

reminds me of something that you had once said

3:29

about our moms. You said that

3:32

our moms love us unconditionally.

3:34

Like it's no questions asked,

3:36

but sometimes our moms might not like.

3:39

exactly. And my mom is really,

3:42

really enjoying the struggles I'm going

3:44

through with my puppy, because I can start

3:46

seeing things from her perspective. And so

3:48

she's like overjoyed and,

3:50

and I remember her saying that to me when

3:53

I was a teenager too. I would complain

3:55

about her, for example, her overbearing

3:58

newness or how she worries

4:00

a lot. And she'll be like,

4:02

you know what, one day when you're a mom, you'll understand.

4:06

And she used to say that a lot and yeah,

4:08

it's, it's not a baby. So compared to a baby,

4:10

obviously a puppy is completely different.

4:12

although not that different, but

4:15

I don't know if I can say that because I don't have a

4:17

baby. So I definitely

4:19

already am seeing a lot of things from her

4:21

perspective.

4:23

sometimes I think. A lot of moms

4:25

will say that like, Ugh, you'll, you'll understand

4:27

one day when you become a mother yourself,

4:30

you know, I

4:32

think they are. I

4:34

say they, and I know this is a blanket

4:36

statement. I think they

4:38

are saying that low key because

4:41

they cannot wait

4:44

to see us going through the same

4:46

struggle and then just lowing

4:48

about it. Just like laughing

4:50

out loud, rolling on the floor. Like

4:54

now you get a taste of what

4:56

I had struggled with. Ha

4:58

ha sucks for you. I'm going to be

5:00

the cool grandma. That's actually

5:02

why our parents want us to have kids

5:04

so that we can experience the same pain.

5:06

Yeah. It's not that they want grandchildren bad

5:09

badly because they want to pass

5:11

down family name. No, no, no. It's because they

5:13

want us to suffer just like they did.

5:15

Yep, exactly.

5:16

Yep. And I

5:18

think my mom is thrilled. Like my mom

5:20

loves my dog. She will

5:23

message me pretty much every day and ask

5:25

me, how's Evie doing? How's he doing?

5:27

Is she doing okay? She'll just ask

5:29

for updates and it's, it's quite adorable.

5:32

This is a glimpse of what it's going to

5:34

be like when you have a child, if you have

5:36

a child

5:37

Yeah. And that's the case for myself.

5:40

And that's also the case for my boyfriend.

5:42

And that's also the case for my mom as well. Like

5:44

starting to see, what the dynamic might

5:46

look like. Right. And

5:49

my best friend she, so

5:51

I told her, I was like, man,

5:53

having Evie is making me really,

5:55

really questioned whether I want to have a baby

5:58

or not like, is really, really

6:00

making me question that. Cause obviously

6:03

a baby is like, I

6:06

don't know. I don't want to

6:07

times more responsibility and for the rest

6:09

of your life.

6:11

Exactly. And like, you really don't want to

6:13

mess them up. Right. puppies. There

6:15

is obviously a lot of responsibilities

6:17

for them, but they reach

6:19

a certain, their brains only

6:22

developed to a certain stage. Right. So

6:24

I saying that to her and she's like, I will

6:27

say that out of all

6:29

the creatures I've

6:31

babysat. So she

6:33

has a big family. So she's babysat

6:35

babies on her own toddlers

6:38

kids, teenagers, and

6:40

puppies, her sister's

6:42

new puppy. She says that out of all

6:45

the above the puppy was the hardest

6:47

to babysit because

6:49

they bite and you don't know what they want

6:52

and they don't have diapers. So you're

6:54

running around cleaning them their pee and

6:56

making sure that they don't poop in the house. So

6:58

it's like a little bit, it's a little bit

7:00

more difficult as in like the cleanliness

7:02

part of it. And also there's so much more

7:04

mobile, so they can just. Zoom

7:07

away and you'll be like, oh my God, I need to chase

7:10

it. You know, whereas baby, they

7:12

don't move

7:13

only zoom so far.

7:14

And then they're going to fall down. Cause they're so top

7:17

heavy. so it's a different kind of difficulty.

7:19

How are you feeling now, now that you are,

7:22

what is a one and a half months in

7:24

Yeah.

7:25

of motherhood? Has this,

7:27

has this changed you as a person?

7:30

Yeah. I think no, not changed

7:32

me as a person, but it has changed

7:35

my outlook on

7:37

certain things. I don't really know

7:39

how to say it. I think like

7:43

at the beginning I kept

7:45

questioning whether or not I made the right decision.

7:50

There were sleepless nights where I'm like

7:52

oh my God, why

7:54

did I do this to myself? It's

7:57

like, it comes from a very like selfish perspective.

7:59

Like why did I do this to myself?

8:01

I've lost, so much of my free time.

8:04

I can't just do whatever I want whenever

8:06

I want, I need to think about this. Like other

8:08

thing in my life. And

8:11

I really made me question like, do

8:13

I actually regret that decision? So

8:15

I really, really questioned it for the

8:17

first couple of weeks.

8:20

Like, oh my God, maybe I should just give her to my mom

8:22

since my mom loves her so much. I

8:25

said that a lot, like to myself in my

8:27

head. and I didn't really communicate

8:30

that with my boyfriend because it was my decision

8:33

to get the puppy. So

8:35

I didn't want to make it seem like I

8:38

made a mistake and it's my own fault,

8:40

et cetera, et cetera. And I

8:42

was getting impatient with her. I

8:45

remember like yelling,

8:47

not at her, but just like yelling in

8:49

the general vicinity, being frustrated

8:52

and just like, ah, like wanting to

8:54

pull my hair. I think a lot of that

8:56

frustration, I was like, oh,

8:58

but am I acting like this? Because

9:01

I'm frustrated or am I acting like

9:03

this? Because the lack of sleep

9:05

is triggering some of my bipolar

9:08

symptoms and I'm

9:10

getting really temperamental and

9:12

really irritable because of that, because

9:14

that's like the onset of mania is where

9:16

you're just like really irritable and you just

9:18

like, cannot control your temper.

9:22

So I felt that, and I was like, man, what

9:25

if like, even with

9:27

a puppy, I can't really get a hold

9:30

at managing my symptoms of bipolar.

9:33

How am I going to do that with a baby? Especially since

9:35

I'll have so much hormones, they're

9:38

going to be all over the place. Like what if like

9:41

the baby makes me so frustrated that I

9:43

just become a horrible mother. So

9:46

there were all these thoughts going through my head.

9:49

And I even

9:51

remember, I like cried one

9:53

day when I broke down, my boyfriend

9:55

went out on a very, like much

9:58

deserved boys night out I

10:00

had a really good day with Evie,

10:03

but then in the evening she started getting

10:05

like really rowdy and puppies

10:07

are very much like toddlers. Like they get

10:09

tired and they, they don't know that they're tired.

10:12

So then they just run around. They act

10:14

out and I was getting so

10:16

frustrated because she would just not calm down.

10:18

And I, and she would just talk

10:21

everything. She was biting me. And I just like broke

10:23

down. I was like sobbing so hard. And

10:25

I think a lot of it also came from a

10:28

partial, like abandonment. Because

10:31

he was out having fun. Whereas

10:33

I was at home dealing with this little menace.

10:35

I felt abandoned as

10:37

well. So I had a mental

10:40

breakdown. Well, not a mental, yeah, a little bit like

10:42

emotional breakdown definitely broke down

10:44

and I was sobbing and I don't remember sobbing

10:47

that hard in awhile.

10:49

and I look over and she's just

10:51

like in the corner playing with her toys and I'm like,

10:53

oh my gosh, she doesn't even care that

10:56

I'm like, You know what I mean? Because she doesn't

10:58

have that type of empathy. Yeah. Like

11:00

dogs are known for their empathy, but as a puppy

11:02

they're not really developed. So I was

11:04

just like, what am I doing? Like my

11:07

life is ruined. This sucks. Like this

11:09

really sucks. And obviously

11:12

the next day after I've had

11:14

a good night's sleep. Well,

11:16

good nights, same as a little bit of an overstatement,

11:19

but after I've had some sleep and then

11:21

in the morning I told my boyfriend

11:24

and I'm like, ah, sometimes I think I'm like

11:26

a bad dog mom, because

11:28

I can't get her to calm down.

11:31

I can't get her to just like, do

11:33

what we want her to do. Like, am I not doing

11:35

the right training? Like, what

11:38

am I doing wrong basically? And

11:40

it made me feel like a failure. And

11:42

it made me question, well, if I can't even succeed

11:45

in raising a puppy, how the hell am I going

11:47

to raise a person? How

11:50

am I going to not fuck up a person?

11:53

and just like, how am I going to be a good mom?

11:55

Do I even know how to be a good mom? So

11:59

these are all the thoughts that were running through my head.

12:02

during those couple of weeks, when I was, when

12:04

things were very. Just my

12:06

mind was all over the place.

12:08

First of all, all I, all I can think

12:10

about is the similarity, like the parallels

12:13

between how you're describing Evie

12:15

with what it would be like to

12:18

have a baby like this all sounds

12:20

like new parents, shit. You know, I

12:22

think every single parent. Has

12:24

no fucking idea what they're doing. I mean, we

12:26

have some level of ideas of what

12:29

responsibility means, because we reached

12:31

that level of adulthood. We are like,

12:33

I don't know, level three in adulthood,

12:36

we got a badge. Right.

12:37

Yeah. yeah Level three. awkward

12:39

laughter

12:41

But we still don't. We have no fucking

12:43

idea. Every single parent are going

12:45

to question themselves if

12:47

they are being a good parent, because we want to be

12:50

good parents, whether that's because we

12:52

unconditionally love this organism

12:54

B maybe it's coming from a place

12:56

where we didn't have good parents growing up. It

12:58

could be coming from a whole plethora of

13:00

different things. But the

13:02

similarity is, we're all scared.

13:05

We're all scared. We're going to fuck up and

13:07

be a failure and not deserve to

13:09

be the role that you are.

13:13

Yeah. And I think that is

13:15

where my mind is that when I think about the

13:17

future, me having a child

13:20

is like, I'm going to fuck them up with

13:22

a dog. I think that's when things become

13:24

very different because like

13:26

she doesn't need to integrate into a society.

13:29

I think for her, it's more like, what

13:32

if she's ill behaved for the

13:34

rest of her life? That's like 10 to

13:36

15 years of me having to put up with

13:38

this. Like, what if I can't

13:40

do. And it's just me questioning myself.

13:43

Like, am I stupid? Like, why the fuck

13:45

did I do this to myself? So it comes

13:47

from like a much more selfish perspective

13:49

with, with dogs, I would say like, I think that's

13:51

where differences between a child

13:54

and a dog really diverges.

13:55

so like, it sounds like. The

13:57

fear of fucking up is the same. But

14:00

with the dog, you're like, if it fucks

14:02

up, I'm going to have to deal with

14:04

the consequences. Like how is it going to fuck

14:06

me up in my life? If my dog is

14:09

fucked up. Whereas if a child is fucked

14:11

up, it's like, oh my gosh, I don't want

14:13

to fuck up their rest of their lives.

14:16

I don't want to make it hard for them.

14:18

It comes from a place where you are like

14:21

only thinking about the child, whereas

14:23

here you're like, how is this going to impact

14:25

me? And I think that's totally okay.

14:28

You know, we in society and

14:30

in culture, we kind of shame

14:34

when we think about ourselves, we shame

14:36

the idea of what even

14:38

the word selfish has a negative connotation

14:41

around it. And I think depending

14:43

on the context, if you are, if

14:46

you're, you know, making

14:48

decisions, that's going to hurt other people

14:50

for the benefit of just you. I think that's

14:52

not a great thing. But

14:54

I think if you're thinking about your own

14:57

wellbeing without

14:59

hurting other people or other things,

15:01

then I think that is, this is

15:04

more of a self care thing,

15:07

you know? And I think it's a good thing that you're

15:09

thinking about how is this, how

15:12

is this going to impact me? Cause you're not just

15:14

like, it's not like you want to

15:16

fuck up your dog. Okay. You're

15:19

not in a place of malice.

15:21

Well, sometimes I want to pick her up and throw her off

15:23

the balcony. I'm kidding. I'm

15:26

kidding. I'm kidding. I'm

15:28

joking. I'm joking. Of course. I don't want to do that. yeah,

15:31

I might, I might think there was things. that

15:34

make me a bad person? I don't know.

15:36

I don't know.

15:37

like I, I think about it,

15:39

but I'm like, oh, that's silly. Right? Well, I can joke

15:41

about

15:42

Like we wouldn't do it.

15:44

And I think that's that. I think a lot

15:46

of people think that if they

15:48

have bad thoughts and they're a bad person, but

15:51

I think the difference is whether or not you carry

15:53

out those actions. yeah. Yeah.

15:56

So one thing you

15:58

pointed out is like, Children.

16:01

Like, what I had said was like, oh, I'm scared of like

16:03

fucking their life up, but then you

16:05

mentioned it and I'm like, wait a minute. But if

16:09

I fuck up my child, my

16:11

life is also still fucked up. Cause

16:13

then I had to deal with their shit for the rest of my

16:15

life. Not just the rest of their

16:17

life. Like with the dog, you have to deal with it for the rest of

16:19

their life for a child.

16:21

Usually like knock on wood. Like, you

16:23

know, like the Chinese thing while you don't want a

16:26

white hair to send black hair off.

16:29

Yeah. Like with a child, like if

16:31

you fuck them up, then you have to deal with

16:33

it for the rest of your life. so yeah, overall

16:36

it's just, I

16:38

guess it's really not that big of a deal in that

16:40

I say it's like, that's just life.

16:44

Yeah.

16:45

Therapy session done.

16:48

And there's, and I remember there's the saying

16:50

that my mom told me a while

16:53

ago. It's like a Chinese thing where it's. Approximately

16:56

translated to cause this is probably not the best

16:58

translation, but doing it on the spot.

17:00

It's like, if you

17:03

spoil your children, then

17:06

you're going to spend the rest of your life, raising

17:09

their children. If

17:12

you raised your children properly,

17:14

then you can spend the rest of your life, spoiling

17:17

their children.

17:18

I'm sorry, come again.

17:20

So, so let's say, yeah,

17:22

let's say you're a mom and you spoil

17:24

your daughter, then

17:27

she's going to be spoiled. And when she has kids, you're

17:29

going to have to raise them because she's

17:31

not going to do her. She's going to be spoiled

17:33

and she's going to need a lot of your help. She's going to be really

17:35

needy. And she might not be, as you

17:37

know, like this is saying like, so you're going

17:40

to have to raise her children. So you're going to be spending your

17:42

whole life. Like, it's

17:44

not going to be very fun, but if you raise your

17:46

children right, then you

17:48

can spoil their children. As in you can

17:50

be the cool grandma who gets to play with them

17:52

and spoil them.

17:54

I, I agree with that,

17:56

but I also feel like that statement

17:59

puts a lot of fucking pressure on

18:01

new parents.

18:03

Yeah.

18:04

'cause now it's like, well, this

18:07

is, I

18:10

don't want to say investment, but this is going to impact

18:12

how I'm going to. Live

18:15

my life with my grandchildren.

18:17

You know, it's like, there's so much

18:19

at stake is what I'm saying.

18:22

yeah,

18:22

And that's a lot of fucking pressure, man.

18:25

I'm going to, I'm going to again,

18:27

bring back the whole children

18:29

and dog and

18:32

an allergy and parallelism.

18:38

You mentioned, it was really well behaved

18:41

when there's other people around, when she's in social

18:43

situations, et cetera. And

18:47

then only misbehave when she's around mom,

18:50

Yes.

18:51

just kinda leave that hanging there.

18:53

Y

18:54

What do, I mean,

18:56

you mean, that's how all of us are?

19:06

what do you make of that?

19:08

Well, I just, the way it is, and I'm

19:11

like, okay, so like now I'm

19:13

focusing more on like, okay, I'm gonna separate

19:15

the out the good and the bad. And in

19:18

those moments where she's doing something that I

19:20

like, and it's good, I'm just going to do more of

19:22

that. Then, then that way, the

19:25

amount of joy to sorrow

19:28

Oh, my.

19:29

will start to skew towards

19:31

joy. You know what I mean? Like

19:33

that's all I can do with her is to do

19:36

more things with her. Make

19:38

the life, her more and that I enjoy

19:40

as well. And that

19:42

way all the other shit will be worth

19:44

it. And I think

19:46

this is like the first time where I'm starting to see

19:48

that the good

19:50

is starting to outweigh the bad.

19:52

this is also where I'm going to like stop the

19:54

parallelism between a baby

19:56

and a dog. Because I think like with

19:59

the dog, you can do these things and

20:01

be like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm only

20:03

going to do the things that, you know, make

20:05

me like you, you know, whereas

20:08

whereas our baby, you're gonna want to make

20:10

sure that your child also wants to

20:12

do those things with you

20:14

as well, and not try to make their

20:16

life about the moms joy.

20:19

Yeah. And that's why I said like this is going

20:21

to come off really selfish. And that's really funny because

20:23

I remember, when this

20:27

was actually not that long ago, probably earlier this

20:29

year. I

20:32

think I said something to my mom that was

20:34

very like, made her

20:36

unhappy, but it was very true. And

20:39

I can't remember what happened, but then my mom

20:41

went home and told my dad about it. And

20:43

my dad was like, if that's the case,

20:45

then you should get a pet. You didn't

20:48

give birth to a baby,

20:50

to you to have like, to use

20:52

them as a pet. Basically.

20:55

Yeah. I think you, you mentioned this, in the last

20:57

episode as well, like what your dad had

20:59

said about,

21:00

Yeah. And now it's like really

21:02

true, like very applicable.

21:05

Because now you have a pet.

21:07

Yeah. So it's completely different. Like I,

21:09

then I think that's where a lot of. bad parenting come

21:11

form comes from is when the

21:13

parents start treating their babies like a pet.

21:15

and also when the parents feel

21:17

like, and this could be subconscious as well,

21:20

that their child's decisions,

21:23

their child's life decisions

21:26

should be based on the parents'

21:28

happiness.

21:30

Yeah.

21:31

And that makes it really difficult because we

21:33

internalize that as well as kids,

21:36

right. Because we want to make our parents happy.

21:38

We choose to do ABC.

21:40

We choose to, I don't know,

21:43

go to school, get good grades, whatever. Right?

21:45

Like we, we

21:48

do a lot of things because it's what

21:50

we were taught to do, but it's also what

21:52

makes our parents happy without really thinking

21:54

about what actually. Us

21:56

happy. And the

21:58

other day I was just having conversation with my mom

22:02

and I don't even remember what

22:05

the actual context was,

22:08

but what stuck with me was she

22:11

was saying how she's so happy

22:13

that I am now going into grad school.

22:15

And she's proud that I have,

22:18

you know, become this independent

22:20

adult and that she doesn't have to worry

22:22

about me and blah-blah-blah.

22:25

And so she's saying all these great things, right. But

22:29

then she said something that

22:33

alluded to how I'm doing all these

22:35

things for her happy. And

22:38

I'm like, I'm like, hold up

22:40

Yeah.

22:43

and on the spot. I was like, no, no,

22:45

no, no, no. I do these things.

22:47

Not for you. I didn't go to grad

22:49

school so that you can feel good about yourself.

22:52

As a mother, I'm going to grad school

22:54

for me. I moved to Toronto,

22:56

not to show you that I'm

22:58

a capable adult, that you have raised

23:01

a capable adult. I did it because

23:03

I want to move to a different

23:05

city and I want to live this new life.

23:08

It's not about my decisions are

23:10

not to make you happy and

23:12

not to validate you as a mother.

23:15

If you feel happy for me. And if

23:17

you are proud, that's great. We can,

23:20

we can all, like I

23:22

was going to say hug, but then I

23:25

reframe, but we can all

23:27

celebrate that together. And that's

23:29

great. But

23:31

my life is not about making

23:33

you feel good about yourself.

23:36

That's right. That's absolutely

23:38

true.

23:48

It is time for feel good feedback.

23:50

Okay. It is time and

23:54

it's time for feel good for you.

23:55

So today's comment. I'm going to be reading

23:57

a DM from Natalie

24:00

and Natalie actually went to high school with Christie

24:02

and I, so none of these. Big

24:04

heart. I've been telling everyone

24:06

to listen. Ha I'm so sorry about all

24:08

the shit I and other people put you through in high

24:10

school. Fuck. I honestly just

24:12

wished I was a better person. I was definitely

24:15

fighting my own battles and fail to see other

24:17

people fighting theirs too. I'm sorry,

24:19

man. Can't wait to hear more of what you

24:21

guys had to say. Smiley face. Definitely

24:23

hitting topics. I can relate to thought

24:26

I was the only one going through it all, but surprise.

24:28

Nope. Just not one talks about just

24:30

not one talks about it, but

24:32

now you are. Oh, just no one talks

24:34

about it, but now you are. Thank

24:37

you her heart. Thank you, Natalie.

24:39

And no, no need to apologize.

24:41

Like, yeah, like you said, everyone was fighting

24:43

their own battles in high school and

24:46

it's not something you were doing on purpose.

24:48

So we appreciate the acknowledgement,

24:51

but yeah, don't feel bad.

24:52

I don't even remember what

24:54

Nat you're talking about, about

24:57

what should happen in

24:58

Yeah, me neither. And I don't.

25:00

it's, it's whatevs, but I do

25:02

appreciate that you had reached out and

25:05

gave the apology anyways, and we're like,

25:07

we don't know what you're talking about,

25:09

don't know what you're talking about either.

25:11

but we really appreciate that you have been such a

25:13

great supporter of the show and spreading

25:16

our love around

25:19

that sounded so weird that

25:21

you have been a great supporter of the show. And

25:24

I know you've been listening to a lot of our episodes

25:26

and you are also

25:29

an advocator for mental

25:31

health as well. know,

25:34

a lot of things coming from your

25:36

Instagram. So thank you for being

25:38

a fellow advocate and

25:41

thank you again for listening. Oh. Also

25:43

not makes these scrunchies, which is super dope.

25:46

We should link that.

25:46

Yeah, we should. And she makes masks

25:49

as well. And

25:59

if you want to send us a feel good feedback, please

26:02

do

26:03

because we like it. It makes us feel good.

26:05

Yeah. It brings us joy and

26:08

send us a DM, send us

26:10

a email if you want to. I shit, we

26:12

don't tell [email protected] or send

26:14

us an audio message because then that way, instead

26:17

of us reading it, we can just

26:19

play your message,

26:20

look forward to hearing some more feel good feedbacks from

26:22

y'all's

26:28

Back to earlier, back to that common, how like

26:31

plants or the new pets and pets are the new babies.

26:34

They're not the new babies. So

26:37

I want to go back and just

26:39

retract that statement. The statement's hilarious,

26:42

obviously, like for it obviously

26:44

oversimplifies things and it's very

26:46

reductionist, but like, you

26:49

know, babies are not pets

26:51

and pets are not babies and you have

26:53

to be able to make that distinction. Same

26:56

thing with like pets, like yeah, she's

26:59

here mostly for companionship

27:02

and just, you

27:05

know, adding a general joy

27:08

to the, to the family dynamics,

27:10

but she's also still a dog

27:12

and I need to discipline. And

27:15

she needs to be happy too. Like I'm not just gonna

27:17

do whatever I want to make sure she's

27:19

making me happy. Like, oh yeah. Like I kind of want

27:21

to put her in like booties, like little

27:23

short, like little shoes on her feet

27:26

so that she doesn't get my

27:29

apartment dirty, but that's not something that

27:31

she might like, like she might not like that. So I'm not going

27:33

to force that on her. You know what I mean? Cause she's still like

27:36

a living being and not doll,

27:38

but yeah. So

27:40

that's pretty much where the analogies

27:43

and because yeah, you shouldn't treat your baby like

27:45

a pet and your pet isn't really like a baby.

27:50

Also the whole joy thing, it

27:52

just reminded me of something. One of

27:54

my therapy sessions, it was one of the very

27:58

good ones, you know, sometimes

28:00

you just have a really good session. I

28:02

was telling my therapist about

28:04

how, when I was like three and a half years

28:07

old, my older cousin who

28:09

was seven, was hit by a car and

28:11

passed away. And immediately

28:14

my grandma went into the city and

28:18

picked me up from daycare without asking

28:20

my mom and took me

28:22

back to the countryside and

28:25

her explanation to my mom.

28:28

And my dad was that everyone

28:30

in this house now is really depressed

28:32

from losing their

28:35

little girl, my cousin, that

28:37

they need someone around to

28:39

provide some joy, which was me.

28:43

And I was telling part

28:46

of the story, like I was telling her about how, like, I

28:49

don't remember that much from my childhood was some

28:51

of the key memories I have are all were all very

28:53

traumatic. And one of them being

28:55

this, because I remember the next day I was walking

28:57

down the stairs and my aunt was

28:59

holding my hand because she was so sad

29:02

that I was there to provide some sort of

29:05

sor some sort of relief for her sorrow.

29:08

So she was holding my hand. We were walking down the stairs

29:10

into like the living room area.

29:13

And in the living room was my

29:15

cousin's corpse. 'cause

29:18

that's like how Chinese funerals in the countries

29:20

that were done, like everyone says

29:23

goodbye to her. And then they

29:25

carry her like coffin around

29:27

the village and it's whole

29:29

thing. And then it carry her to her burial

29:31

site or the crematorium or

29:33

whatever. So, yeah. So

29:36

one of my only memories

29:38

of my cousin is

29:40

her corpse on this like

29:42

platform, table kind of thing in

29:45

like a box, because

29:47

she was going to get cremated. So it wasn't in a coffin. It

29:49

wasn't like a cardboard. But

29:52

that's one of my first memories and

29:54

that's very traumatic. And I was telling my

29:56

therapist about that and she's like,

29:59

well, how does it make you feel that you

30:01

were quote unquote, like

30:03

brought back to the

30:06

countryside away from your mom to,

30:08

to like, how did that make you feel?

30:10

And I was like, well, it's kind of weird to

30:13

just take me, like,

30:16

like, why would

30:18

you just like, take me away from my mom?

30:21

Like, you don't know my mom, like, why

30:23

are you making decisions for my mom and for

30:25

me kind of thing. And she's like, yeah, it must've

30:27

been really hard to be responsible

30:30

for all these other people's happiness.

30:33

And I was like,

30:34

Hm.

30:35

yes, that's exactly what it

30:37

is. And that's so, so common

30:40

in Chinese culture that I never even questioned

30:42

it. I just thought it was really weird.

30:44

Like, I didn't want to be there, but

30:46

I was there anyway, but

30:49

yeah, like. Being

30:51

forced into that role of trying

30:54

to make everyone happy at such a young age.

30:56

Like, Hey, that's your response. That's why you're

30:58

here. It's not because we want to live with you. And we

31:00

love you. You're here because we want

31:03

you to make us happy. Like

31:05

how fucked up is that?

31:07

That's like treating you like a pet it's

31:09

it's, it's not allowing you to

31:11

feel any other emotions.

31:13

It's not allowing you to display

31:16

or exude any other

31:18

form of feeling or emotions besides

31:21

joy, because that's who you are. That's

31:23

your role. This is your title. This

31:26

is what you're here for. You're here to bring joy

31:28

to the rest of the family and you're not

31:30

allowed to feel anything.

31:32

Yeah. And I think that really shaped

31:34

who I was as like a kid growing

31:37

up because I never, never even

31:39

dare to talk about any negative, emotional

31:41

quote, unquote negative emotions. I was always

31:43

like, happy go lucky even. Wasn't

31:46

really feeling that way. Like,

31:49

you know, the always like suppressing those,

31:52

any sort of emotion, that's not happiness

31:54

or joy because at a young age

31:57

I was given this

31:59

role and responsibility of being that.

32:02

And that's how you learn that this is what

32:04

I am valued for so

32:07

that if, if you do

32:09

God forbid show any other signs

32:11

of emotions or feeling

32:13

sad or being down or feeling

32:16

angry that your

32:19

value no longer exists.

32:22

that's right. And

32:25

that's why I've never talked to my parents ever about

32:27

anything that's bothering me. I always just give them

32:30

good news.

32:31

And think about how many other

32:33

people out there, how many of our proof

32:35

troops have gone through a similar childhood,

32:38

not the same thing as like, you know, a

32:40

family member died and like you got brought into

32:42

the village, but you being, you

32:45

only being allowed to

32:47

display happy emotions

32:50

or feel good emotions or positive

32:52

emotions. It's like, it's like, you're this ball

32:54

of positive vibes that is being passed

32:56

around and you're not allowed to be anything

32:58

else. And if you are, then you're like, oh my

33:01

gosh, then I will be unloved. I'm going

33:03

to be unwanted. I am not a

33:05

value anymore. How many

33:07

people carry that

33:09

with them? And then, and

33:11

then bring that with them all

33:13

the way to where wherever you are right

33:15

now, wherever you're listening from poop

33:18

Or bring them with, with them to

33:20

the next generation, because they expect

33:22

the same amount of their children. And then it's just

33:24

the cycle. Right. And that's why people say break

33:26

the cycle, break the cycle.

33:28

Barf and

33:33

that's why it's so important for us to actually talk

33:35

about these things. Right. And, and be

33:37

okay with having other sorts

33:39

of feelings, any emotions as well, because

33:41

you are still a valuable person.

33:43

You are still loved, even if you're

33:46

not being feeling joyful

33:48

all the time or being a joyful person

33:51

all

33:51

Yeah. And just being able to stand your ground

33:53

to be your own advocate, even if it's

33:55

against your parents. Like when Christie clarified

33:59

with her mom, like, hold

34:01

up, hold

34:04

up, wait a minute. You

34:07

are wrong. This is like,

34:09

you are coming from a completely

34:14

perspective.

34:16

Yeah. I was like, I'm happy. That

34:19

you're happy, but that isn't,

34:21

that is not why I make any

34:23

of my decisions. It's not big. It's not

34:25

based on your happiness and it shouldn't

34:27

be based on your happiness.

34:29

exactly.

34:30

And that goes for anybody else, listening as

34:32

well. You know, like whatever decisions

34:34

that you make should not be based on

34:36

other people's happiness, because then you're living

34:39

your life for another person

34:41

or peoples, what is the plural

34:44

people?

34:45

For the other people.

34:46

Yeah. For other people. And,

34:50

and that's going to cause a lot of disconnect between

34:52

yourself, because then you're not

34:54

living the genuine life that you want.

34:56

You're just living lives that other people

34:58

want for you

34:59

Yeah. And, and when you fail

35:01

at doing that, you fail at being

35:03

that perfect daughter, perfect son,

35:05

or whatever it is that other

35:08

people have placed on you, all of a sudden

35:10

you feel like you have no value. And then all

35:12

of a sudden, maybe you feel like your life is

35:14

worthless and then maybe you feel like, well,

35:17

what's the point and

35:19

that's how things can spiral. And that's how

35:21

I spiraled. And that's when

35:24

I realized like, fuck this shit. I

35:26

need to live my best life. Snap,

35:28

snap, snap. So

35:31

anyway, my original point was kudos

35:34

to Christy for standing her ground

35:36

advocating for herself and just telling

35:39

us straight to her mom.

35:43

Thank you. Thank you. Speaking

36:47

of which, so

36:49

like Angie and I have been recording. Basically

36:53

not to not together. for majority

36:55

of our episodes, I would say because

36:57

we started this podcast in

37:00

2020 when the pandemic was

37:02

like raging and it's still

37:05

raging.

37:05

Yeah.

37:06

So we actually fun fact

37:08

poop trips. We don't always record

37:11

in the same room together. We actually often

37:13

record separately in our own places,

37:18

but now I am recording

37:21

in a different city.

37:23

Yeah. And it's weird because it

37:25

doesn't feel like Christie is a

37:27

completely different city. On the

37:29

other side of the continent.

37:32

Well, I mean, it was not that far

37:34

away,

37:35

It's a seven hour flight. It's

37:37

five hour, five hour.

37:38

flight. It's a five-hour flights pretty

37:40

far away.

37:43

I know it doesn't feel obvious for you. And

37:46

because you're just looking at me through a screen, like

37:48

as per year,

37:51

And also I'm in the same environment, but for you,

37:53

you're in a completely different environment. Like

37:56

you're yeah. Your entire life

37:58

is currently different.

38:00

I know I quite love it.

38:02

Yeah. That's I am so

38:04

happy for you. Like when you first

38:06

told me that you were moving, like you got in and you're

38:08

going to move, I was like, just

38:12

so happy for you because

38:15

it's just like, it's overdue. Like you

38:18

really need that. Freedom

38:20

away

38:20

needed to do TFO man.

38:24

And that's when I started learning independence

38:26

as well. Like it was when I left

38:29

for a year, when I left home for a year

38:32

and went to a very far away place, that

38:35

physical boundary that you can establish

38:37

with your overbearing mother

38:39

is like the ferry important

38:42

first step to like establishing boundaries

38:45

period.

38:45

Hmm. So I have a few things to say about

38:48

that. I'll get, I'll get to that. I'll get to

38:50

the mom boundary barrier thing,

38:52

but I want to, I want to talk about

38:55

how I'm feeling.

38:57

Yeah.

38:58

have a lot of feelings and

39:01

And you know what, they're all valid.

39:03

thank you. Thank you for validating. So

39:07

a few. Okay. So I moved here during

39:10

the end of summer, and then

39:13

I actually went back to Vancouver

39:15

for. Okay.

39:18

So I moved here end of summer. And I was here,

39:21

here in Toronto for about 10 days.

39:23

And then I went back to Vancouver for another

39:25

10 days. So it really didn't feel that. And

39:28

then now, and then after the 10 days, I

39:31

came back to Toronto. Now that

39:33

means I spent like 10 days in Toronto was, and 10 day

39:35

in Vancouver, you would have think

39:37

that it's just 10 days it's

39:39

whatevs, right? Like it doesn't make that

39:41

much of a difference when

39:43

I flew and

39:45

I landed in the Vancouver airport,

39:48

I always get the same feeling, no matter where

39:50

I just came from this like sense of home,

39:52

you know, the sense of comfort flying

39:54

across all the buildings

39:56

that I can recognize and smelling our

39:58

Vancouver air. It feels very

40:00

comforting. Like I am home and

40:04

I still got that. However,

40:10

it, this time it was different because

40:13

every single time that I would. Back

40:17

to Vancouver. I would have all of my

40:19

stuff with me this time.

40:21

I had just one

40:23

backpack of

40:26

like nothingness

40:28

Yeah, it was just

40:29

this time, this time

40:31

I left my electric toothbrush at

40:33

where my quota I'm going to

40:35

do air quotes home is,

40:38

and I brought the spare toothbrush

40:40

to go to Vancouver. Okay.

40:43

But it's a different feeling because

40:46

I now have two homes.

40:49

Yeah.

40:49

I spent the first 10 days in

40:51

Toronto setting up my place. Like I didn't

40:54

go exploring, I didn't really see people.

40:56

People probably didn't even know that I arrived

40:58

in Toronto because I was just

41:00

getting linens and like getting coat

41:03

hangers and setting up the kitchen and

41:05

buying pantry staples and blah, blah, blah, blah,

41:07

blah. And by the time I finished

41:09

all of that, I have established a

41:11

whole. Like I bought

41:13

these things for me. I

41:15

got a plant for God's sakes.

41:17

Yeah.

41:21

I have a living being

41:23

that I am responsible for in this place

41:25

called home. So I basically made a nest for

41:28

myself. And then coming, going

41:30

back to Vancouver it's yes.

41:32

I still get that feeling of I'm home,

41:35

but it's different. I now have two homes

41:37

and I feel like I'm allowed

41:40

to do that. I'm allowed to love two places

41:42

at the same time and love them for different

41:45

reasons and love them in different

41:47

ways. And one does not one

41:50

does not override the other, you

41:52

know, like my Toronto home is

41:54

not better than my Vancouver home. The city of

41:56

Vancouver is not better than Toronto. Like

41:59

I love them both but

42:02

differently. And I am allowed to

42:04

have both. And it's a, it's a brand

42:06

new feeling that I've never had before.

42:10

Yeah. Yeah.

42:11

And I don't know how else to explain it.

42:13

Just to clarify for those poop

42:16

troops who live in the U S like, it's very

42:18

common here in Canada to commute

42:20

to your university slash college, because

42:23

a lot of them are in the big cities. And

42:26

if you live in the big city, then you

42:28

wouldn't just, you would just live at home and save

42:30

money. So for a lot of us going

42:33

away away from home

42:36

sometimes is doesn't coincide

42:38

with going to college. So for Christie,

42:40

this is her first time, really

42:42

getting away from home home,

42:45

and she's 30,

42:47

And,

42:50

and there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. There's nothing wrong

42:52

with that.

42:52

And the thing is like, when I,

42:54

when I went into my house, like my

42:56

Vancouver house, this is what's hilarious.

42:59

I go to the bathroom, right. So I

43:02

live with my mom. Mom has her own bathroom.

43:04

I have my own bathroom. I have the bigger bathroom.

43:06

Okay. So I go,

43:08

when I go into my Vancouver home,

43:11

I go into the bathroom because as one does

43:13

you need to pee after a five-hour

43:15

flight? My stuff

43:17

isn't there anymore. Which makes sense, because

43:20

most of it is in Toronto, but

43:22

my mom's stuff is there.

43:24

Cue gasp.

43:28

I found it hilarious

43:30

that she just infiltrated the

43:33

bathroom and she's like,

43:35

she is gone. My daughter's gone.

43:37

I get the big bathroom now. And

43:40

then I go into like her bathroom.

43:42

Right. And it's just empty.

43:44

It's like, it's a guest bathroom. Like her

43:46

bathroom is the guest bathroom. My

43:49

bathroom is her bathroom.

43:51

That's so funny. There

43:54

was no like, Hey, I'm going to move my

43:56

stuff to your bathroom. It's just like surprise.

43:59

It's just like, yo, this is mine.

44:01

It ain't yours. No more. And

44:05

the other thing that was surprising, and this

44:07

happened while I was

44:09

in Toronto, like the first 10 days I

44:11

expected that my mum was going to be very

44:14

overbearing, like messaged me

44:16

every single, not every single day. That's just

44:18

like a given, but every single hour

44:21

asking if I ate, how

44:23

was the weather? Like all this

44:25

mom shit. Like, am I wearing enough

44:27

clothes and making sure

44:29

I don't wear too much. Cause then I'll get a

44:31

fever.

44:33

'cause. That's how it works.

44:38

for the first like 48

44:40

hours, that's exactly what happened.

44:44

And then it tapered off

44:46

Excellent.

44:48

like there was. Just

44:50

a brief second where I'm like, my mom

44:52

hasn't messaged me in a few days.

44:57

I'm like, what is going on?

44:59

And when she does message me, yeah.

45:03

She'll still ask like, oh, did you eat dinner and

45:05

blah, blah, blah. But majority of her messages,

45:07

like I would say 80% of her messages

45:10

is her sending me pictures

45:12

of all the fun that she's having back at

45:14

home with her friends and

45:17

all the food that she's making at

45:19

home.

45:20

That's awesome.

45:22

And I'm like, what have I

45:24

been the one who's holding my mom

45:26

back this whole time? And

45:30

I'm like, oh my gosh,

45:32

I thought I'm the one who's being set

45:35

free, which I do feel like I am

45:37

spreading my wings and flying and all shit,

45:39

but I did not expect that

45:42

she was going to spread her wings and

45:44

fly as well. She's sending me pictures

45:47

of her going to driving ranges. Just

45:49

never been to a fucking driving range before.

45:51

I'm like, who are all these people that know

45:53

how to play golf that you're hanging out with?

45:56

Yeah.

45:57

And like having dim sum with her

45:59

friends and, and, and literally

46:02

like two weeks before I left was the first time she

46:04

went to a restaurant since COVID

46:06

happened. And she went to a restaurant

46:09

because my entire family got together

46:11

and had like a, like a farewell dinner

46:13

for me. And that was the only reason she

46:16

went out to a restaurant

46:18

and like two weeks later, she's just now out

46:21

all the time having Dimson with her friends.

46:23

I'm like, what the fuck? Who are you? Who

46:26

are you. You

46:28

know, we talk a lot about communication, having,

46:31

having boundaries

46:34

and the benefits of having

46:36

physical barriers and how that's great

46:38

for, you know, our relationship

46:40

with our parents. Most of the time when we were

46:42

talking about that, we're thinking about that as first-person

46:45

like, I'm thinking about the benefits for me

46:47

when I'm having this physical

46:50

barrier between me and my mom. I'm

46:52

thinking about me, the

46:54

benefits for me when I set up boundaries with

46:56

my mom. But

46:58

I did not think about all the benefits

47:01

that the hub, that all

47:03

the benefits that. Could

47:05

also experience when there

47:08

are boundaries and when there

47:10

is a physical barrier and how

47:12

much, not only our relationship has

47:14

improved, but her relationships with

47:16

other people, because now she has the

47:18

time and space and emotional capacity

47:20

to think about herself and foster her

47:22

own friendships and expand

47:24

her own social circles and how that has been beneficial

47:27

for her.

47:28

Yeah, actually. Yeah, like, totally.

47:30

and if, I think if, if more

47:33

of us thought about it

47:35

from that perspective, like same thing. When I

47:37

started creating boundaries with my mom, Really

47:40

think about it from her perspective. I do think

47:43

that it would be healthier for her. Like,

47:45

yeah. Like it would be healthy for you then

47:47

you don't have to be so anxious about me all the time. You

47:49

don't

47:49

Yeah. Like, let go, you

47:50

Yeah. Like, let go for your own emotional

47:53

sake. But I, same thing,

47:55

I didn't think that she would, my mom will start getting into

47:57

like all of this same thing. Like my mom also

47:59

went to the driving age range for the first time in

48:01

her life. She tried tennis.

48:03

She's been hiking. Like every weekend

48:06

she went on a fishing boat, she went fishing

48:08

like it's

48:10

great. And it's same thing. Like

48:12

it was something that I never expected. And I

48:14

think for some of us out there who are still

48:17

very what's

48:19

that word? Filial piety

48:21

oriented, like, Hey, yes,

48:23

I get that. I need to draw boundaries

48:25

with my parents, but I also want to be a good daughter,

48:28

a good son, like. The

48:31

relationship between you and your parents

48:33

are not going to dissolve because

48:35

of those boundaries. It'll

48:38

probably get better. And it's

48:41

not just for you, but it's for them as well,

48:43

because it's like a two-way street. Yeah.

48:46

Good point with what you said earlier

48:49

with, how we used to think of it

48:51

as, you know, bringing them

48:53

to baseline basically

48:56

like trying to calm their anxiety, trying to get them

48:58

to let go of being so

49:00

overbearing, trying to get them to a baseline

49:02

level. But what we didn't think about

49:04

was how much they could thrive and

49:08

go beyond the baseline level. We just

49:10

think about them as always below baseline. Like

49:12

there it's too much, like they're, they're

49:14

put, they're putting all of their emotional

49:17

burdens on us. They're they're

49:19

being way too anxious and blah-blah-blah,

49:22

and so, you know, in a place where it's

49:24

not so great. So we just want them to get back to

49:27

baseline, but it's, it's

49:29

pleasantly surprising and

49:32

also a little bit. I

49:35

don't know if humbling is the right word, but more like

49:38

don't think about yourself. Think about like, look

49:40

at all these great things and how much my mom

49:42

is thriving because of this.

49:45

And it also made me realize that like, you

49:47

know, maybe she was

49:49

just being so overbearing because that was the

49:51

role. She felt like she had to play that she

49:53

kind of forgot about who she was as a human being

49:55

that, you know, she can have fun. And she's

49:57

a, she's a person too. She has personalities.

50:00

And she has things that she likes and activities that

50:02

she enjoys, but she wasn't allowing

50:05

herself to pursue these things because

50:08

she had to play the role of a mother.

50:10

yo, that

50:12

is brilliant. Like

50:15

it's not just a role that's been placed on

50:17

us as children, but our parents

50:20

had a role that was expected of them to

50:24

okay. That's like, boom.

50:26

Boom, man, boom, that re that made

50:28

me like kind of made me wanna pee

50:30

a little.

50:34

That is, yeah, really, really well

50:36

said, like coming full

50:38

circle again, like we, we always

50:41

think about like, oh, we need to

50:43

do this. Like, you're right.

50:45

Like our parents didn't know what they were doing. They weren't

50:47

following a manual. They can follow advice

50:49

and tips from other people. But at the end of

50:51

the day, they had to figure shit out on their own. And

50:54

they were playing a role that was expected of

50:56

them. So like our

50:58

moms think that they have to worry about

51:00

us because that's the. And,

51:02

but it really like it's, it's on us

51:04

to draw those boundaries. Like, mom, you

51:06

don't have to worry about me because well, it's,

51:09

I don't want to say it's our responsibility, but

51:11

we know better. We know better.

51:13

Not because we're smarter, but because

51:16

we are presented with more

51:18

resources at our age and we are presented

51:21

with opportunities that they never

51:23

were presented with. So for us to educate

51:25

them. It's a good way for

51:27

us to return some of the work that

51:29

they've put in to raise us.

51:32

Here's an example of letting go

51:35

of anxiety from both ends.

51:37

Okay. Because as children,

51:39

we also have anxiety

51:41

about our parents, like making sure we please them.

51:44

We don't want to get yelled at. We like do things

51:46

to avoid confrontation or whatever

51:48

it is. And then our parents

51:51

will have anxiety because they care about us

51:53

and they don't want us to die. So

51:56

when I came to Toronto within the first

51:59

like 48 hours, I got sick. poor

52:02

body cannot handle this fluctuation

52:05

of like 40 degrees

52:07

and then 20 degrees and then 40

52:09

degrees and then 20 degrees. Okay. And

52:11

why that happens is because when you step outside,

52:14

it's hot as fuck, which for the proof trips, who've

52:16

been listening to us for a while. I thrive

52:19

in the heat. I freaking love

52:21

it. What I did not anticipate

52:23

is all the fucking AC it's

52:26

like I'm in Hong Kong. Okay. Where

52:29

I have to like bring a sweater

52:31

so I can wear it when I'm inside

52:33

and then take it off. But outside

52:36

Totally.

52:37

needless to say, I got sick and

52:40

I didn't want to tell my mom

52:41

Yeah.

52:42

she's gonna, she's gonna yell at me. She was going to school

52:44

me. She's going to be like, you should have warmer clothes. You should've

52:46

been more careful. These are all the things that you're going to have to

52:49

eat and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then she's going to check

52:51

in on me every half an hour

52:53

to see if I'm still alive. Right.

52:56

So, so I held on

52:58

to all of that because that's

53:00

what I expected my mom

53:03

would do.

53:04

Yeah. So it became shit that you don't tell mom

53:08

Exactly.

53:09

because you don't want her to worry. Yeah.

53:11

so I'm like, I'm a fucking adult. I know how to

53:13

do this. I'll make some congee and like

53:15

brew some ginger lemon tea and

53:17

blah, blah, blah. Right. And,

53:20

and so that all happens. And of course,

53:22

when I chat with my mom, I was like, you know

53:24

what? I'm a fucking adult. Let's just own up to

53:26

it. So I told her, I'm like, yeah, I got sick. This

53:29

is what I'm doing. I kind of said that in a monotone

53:32

newness to her expecting

53:35

to get a fucking Howler for those

53:37

who are Harry Potter friends, you know

53:39

what I'm talking about, and this is how she

53:41

responded. She was like,

53:48

Yeah, cause she trusts you now.

53:51

I'm like what the fuck

53:53

I think for her, seeing you

53:55

going away and like doing

53:58

grad school and like, she's really proud of you

54:00

also makes her think like, Hey, maybe

54:02

she does have her shit together. So

54:05

if she builds that trust, right?

54:07

And, and what I thought was okay.

54:09

If we could just all let go a little bit.

54:12

If I cause what I had done

54:14

and I had to really think about it too, was I

54:16

let go of my fear of receiving

54:19

a Howler from my mom. I let go

54:21

of the fear of telling her that I

54:23

was actually sick, you know? And

54:26

then she also let go of the fear that I'm

54:28

going to die.

54:29

Yeah.

54:32

how pleasant of a conversation that was, I just

54:34

told her, yup, I'm sick. This is what happened. This

54:36

is what I'm doing. And she was like, okay, just take care of yourself

54:39

anyways, back to the driving range, blah,

54:42

blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, huh? Like

54:45

that was a much easier conversation

54:47

than I had anticipated because

54:49

we both let go.

54:50

Yeah. So you're learning

54:52

a lot, not just about yourself right now.

54:55

Cause I remember saying that to you when we

54:57

talked about you moving away, I'm like,

54:59

oh, you're going to like learn more about yourself as a

55:01

blood, but you're also learning more about your mom.

55:04

That's just, just another person

55:07

And how do you feel about that?

55:11

kind of weird because it's a

55:13

disconnect. Cause I just know her as mom.

55:15

Right. I only know her as

55:18

this character that she has been playing for so long,

55:21

but also kind of cool to

55:24

see that. She

55:27

is so much more

55:29

than just mom. She's another human being

55:32

that she has. She

55:36

has the ability to

55:38

be someone cool. Like,

55:40

can you think about that? Think, I think about that

55:42

for a sec. Okay. And

55:44

like, to all of our poop, she was thinking about how

55:46

your parents can be cool and

55:49

that's a, it's an uncomfortable

55:52

but good feeling.

55:55

If that makes sense uncomfortable in a

55:57

way that it's out of character. And

55:59

that's why it's weird and uncomfortable, but

56:01

also cool to think that

56:05

yeah.

56:06

Yeah. And I think that's kind of the process

56:08

of growing up, right. Because you've

56:11

known mom as mom, your whole life.

56:13

In this case, like you came out of her vagina

56:15

and then she was your mom from minute

56:18

one. But from the

56:20

stories you've told me, like, your mom has had

56:22

an incredible life leading to where

56:24

sh where her life was up

56:26

until like she had you. And

56:29

they were all very impressive things, but we

56:31

hardly, we seldom think about that.

56:34

Right. And it's not until like you're

56:36

more grown and that. She's

56:40

starting to have her own life again, like right now that you're like,

56:42

Hey, yeah, she was a person

56:44

before me. And she's a person now. Like

56:47

it's just, it's kind of it's.

56:50

Yeah, you're right. It's like, it takes so much for our mind

56:52

to really wrap around that. Like sometimes

56:54

I still forget how cool my mom is. And

56:57

I remember when she first started, like

56:59

really getting into yoga. Like I was so proud

57:01

of the fact that she can like do headstands and handstands

57:04

that I would post about it on Instagram. Not

57:06

because I want to show off. Well, maybe because a little bit, I

57:08

want to show off, but mostly because I was so proud and also

57:11

it was a way for me to be like, like, this is

57:13

real, like my mom's pretty dope.

57:16

Right.

57:17

Yeah, that was pretty dope. It's easy to see other

57:19

people's moms being dope passes.

57:21

It's easy to see that.

57:24

Yes, of course. This is another human

57:26

being. Of course they have a life

57:28

outside of their role as being moms.

57:31

It's so easy for us to see that for other people,

57:34

but it's so much more difficult when, when you

57:36

look internally in

57:38

your own families and think about that for your.

57:41

Yeah, again, it goes back to the whole, like

57:43

we need to see that more from their perspective.

57:47

So are you just feeling a hundred percent good about

57:49

your move? Like there's

57:52

we can hear her in the background.

57:54

my God. I know she's being

57:56

I'm guessing she just woke up from her nap. So

57:58

now she has a lot of energy.

58:00

So your question was, is that all

58:03

fine and dandy and rainbows and butterflies?

58:05

No, definitely not. There's a lot

58:07

of other shit that we will

58:09

save for our next episode.

58:12

Okay. Sounds good. First

58:14

of all, thank you for listening all the way to the end.

58:16

We really appreciate it. And

58:19

I guess the takeaway for today's episode is

58:21

just to remember that

58:25

you don't need to be trapped in a certain role

58:28

and you don't need to trap others in

58:30

a certain role. And

58:33

the only way to really wrap your head around that

58:35

is to try to think about things from other

58:37

people's perspective, whether that'd

58:39

be your own mom or

58:41

other people's mom like there's good and

58:43

bad and everything. That's just life. So

58:46

make the most of what you can

58:48

and if there's something you enjoy,

58:51

then do that. And so

58:53

do things that you enjoy because then that's

58:55

the only way to make the good things in

58:57

life. Outweigh the bad things.

58:59

Nice well done and tune in for

59:02

our next, our shit

59:04

episode where things

59:06

might not be as happy daddy.

59:08

And I talk more about some

59:12

of the challenges of

59:14

moving to Toronto.

59:15

All right, bye. I'm

59:49

looking forward. I'm looking forward. I'm

59:51

looking forward. Yes. Sorry. I'm

59:53

sleep deprived.