0:00

He did these things, not for

0:02

you, even though it looked like it on the surface,

0:04

but really he did those things for himself

0:07

to make himself look good. And what's

0:09

most sly is him

0:11

telling his friends that you

0:13

guys have broken up so that when you

0:15

do call him it's evidence

0:17

for him that you're the crazy.

0:20

absolutely.

0:20

It's like he's setting this up so that he

0:22

makes you look even worse. So that, that

0:25

elevates him even more.

0:27

Exactly.

0:54

let's welcome our poop troops, back to

0:56

another episode of shit. We don't tell

0:58

mom where we get, what do we get?

1:00

We get comfortable with the uncomfortable.

1:03

So today I want to get Angie uncomfortable

1:05

a little bit

1:06

Yeah. I'm already uncomfortable. So well

1:08

done.

1:09

It's a, it's

1:12

a good start to the episode. Okay. So

1:14

a few weeks ago. Angie had

1:16

messaged me on WhatsApp,

1:18

so there's like, there's a few messages. So

1:20

here we go. So Angie said, so

1:23

there's this YouTube channel I used to watch

1:25

and the couple split up and I've been

1:27

reading about it on Reddit because it's triggering

1:29

some bad news because the guy turned

1:31

out to be a narcissist and their breakup

1:33

is similar to what I went through with my

1:35

ex. And it's just one

1:38

so comforting to know that this is happening

1:40

to someone else because I can actually see it

1:42

unfold. And I can really a hundred percent

1:44

rather than just reading articles about it.

1:47

But two not sure if it's

1:49

healthy, because it's bringing up bad feelings

1:51

and it has seeped into my dreams.

1:53

And that's when I'm like, mm, not healthy.

1:55

That's right. So the good thing is after

1:57

I talked to somebody about it, like literally

1:59

just in those few messages, after I spoke

2:01

to Christie about it, I was able to get a better handle

2:04

on the fact that I was being

2:06

too obsessed. Because once I verbalize

2:09

the fact that like, Hey, I don't know if this is healthy or

2:11

not. Then when I do do it, I go, Hmm. Do

2:13

I want to get into that mood today?

2:15

I know it's only like a minute, less than a minute

2:17

into our podcast, but that's takeaway number one is talking

2:19

about it does help. Okay.

2:22

Bye.

2:26

Can you walk us through the

2:29

feeling that you had got when you

2:31

first heard about the couple

2:33

of splits?

2:34

When I first heard about the couple splitting

2:36

up, I was like, ah, yeah, that sucks. Like

2:38

shit happens like people break up.

2:40

So I didn't like really look into it. I was

2:42

like, okay, whatever. and those of

2:44

you who know who I'm

2:47

talking to you, you might know exactly who I'm talking

2:49

about by the next part that I'm

2:51

going to dive into it wasn't until the guy

2:53

released a video to try to claim

2:56

his side of the story that I was like,

2:58

fuck this shit,

2:59

what's wrong with that?

3:00

because, so it started,

3:03

okay. So obviously nothing,

3:05

none of the information I have is. What

3:07

is it like corroborated by

3:09

whatever, because a lot of comments have been deleted.

3:12

So a lot of the things I've been reading has been on Reddit,

3:14

it's been screenshots. So I'm going to say

3:16

that most of the stuff that I'm talking about

3:18

is true, given the fact that I've seen

3:20

screenshots.

3:21

And for context, why

3:23

are we talking about a couple

3:25

from YouTube and why is this triggering

3:27

for Angie? Because Angie

3:30

went through a really fucking

3:32

devastatingly, painful and traumatic

3:35

breakup. Basically it was a very

3:37

unhealthy relationship and

3:39

there was a lot of what does that,

3:41

what does that, what do the kids call it these

3:43

What a lot of

3:44

No like that? Um, no, no, no, no, no.

3:46

Um, um, oh my

3:48

gosh, what the kids call it?

3:50

what do you call it? I don't know what you're talking

3:52

on. Codependency.

3:54

Gaslighting.

3:55

Oh, gaslighting. Oh my God. Yes. There was so much

3:57

There's a lot of gaslighting to

3:59

Angie making Angie just feel like this

4:01

completely inadequate person

4:04

and that everything is all in her head. Anyways,

4:06

that's just like a brief little

4:08

summary of why are we talking

4:10

about this and some context about why this

4:13

whole story, this whole YouTube couple's story

4:15

was triggering for Angie.

4:17

So basically, COVID happened. They

4:19

released a couple of videos during COVID I think,

4:21

and then it kind of stopped and they started doing their

4:23

own videos and people were speculating that

4:26

maybe they had split up, but they never talked about

4:28

it. They moved back to Canada and.

4:30

After they moved back to Canada, there was almost no

4:32

content being released. So some

4:35

of their supporting audience, like the

4:37

financial backers started getting irritated.

4:39

Like what the hell is going on? Why is there no content

4:41

coming out? And even when there is content,

4:44

it's just like the girl by herself doing

4:46

some videos that are somewhat

4:48

on brand and the guy could just completely disappeared.

4:51

So people were speculating in the

4:53

comments and they were kind of like requesting

4:55

for more information. And of course there's

4:57

always people trying to defend the couple, you know, and

5:00

I guess what happened was because people were

5:02

questioning, a lot of people are going on their Instagram,

5:05

asking questions here and there and poor girl,

5:07

it just seemed like she kept trying to answer

5:09

a question and while not divulging too much information.

5:12

And then of course they came out with a Instagram

5:14

post saying like, Hey, like we have decided

5:16

to part ways, blah, blah, blah. And then people were like,

5:18

oh my God, you don't like freaking out about

5:21

it. And I was just like, oh yeah, Sucks.

5:23

Right. And then, I guess, because they split

5:25

up, people were like demanding, even more

5:27

information, like what's going on? Where is he?

5:29

And then it was this particular

5:31

video that triggered myself and triggered

5:33

a lot of people on the internet. And that video

5:36

was him explaining his side of the story.

5:38

And that was literally the title of

5:40

the YouTube video too. And it came out

5:42

of nowhere because one, she didn't release

5:44

any videos like that, she has never put

5:46

up any videos on YouTube, which is where

5:48

their biggest viewership is about

5:50

what happened to the relationship. The only time

5:53

she did. You know, divulge too much information

5:55

was in the common section of Instagram

5:57

where she might be like, oh, I don't know, like

5:59

he's in Hawaii right now. Or like, oh,

6:01

like we have we're fighting over custody or for

6:03

a cat or something like that, where she did divulge

6:06

some information, which he deleted.

6:08

So people are like, why are you deleting comments? And

6:10

then people were questioning him and saying

6:12

negative things and he would delete

6:14

those comments. And any time it was some sort of a

6:16

criticism towards him, he would delete the comments.

6:19

So people are going like, what the fuck? Because every

6:21

time they ask a question, even if it was not a

6:23

negative question, question was just a question.

6:25

Like, why did you go to Hawaii during a pandemic? He

6:27

would just delete them. So he was trying to make a

6:29

response video of explaining his behavior,

6:32

except none of the things he actually talked

6:34

about in his video actually explained

6:36

his behavior. And It was basically a 20 minute

6:39

video of him trying to

6:41

absolve himself from any responsibilities.

6:44

And he would explain his side and then he's

6:46

like, but she did this and did that.

6:49

So it was like, he wasn't really explaining

6:51

anything. He wasn't apologizing for anything. He

6:53

was basically just blaming everything

6:55

on her. Oh yeah, I did this.

6:57

But look, this is why I did this and I'm not

6:59

wrong. And also I did this, but she did

7:01

this. So, you know, she's a bad person too,

7:04

but she, he didn't say that of course, but that was kind of

7:06

the tone of it. and that

7:08

triggered me so much. Cause

7:10

I was like, what is the point of this

7:12

video? It's not like she released the video. She

7:14

has never talked about their breakup

7:17

on YouTube. Apparently she mentioned

7:19

a couple of things here and there in the

7:21

comments section of their Instagram, which

7:23

is exposed to like, not that many

7:25

people, but then he releases a video that's exposed

7:28

to like over a million people. Trying

7:30

to blame everything on her. And It just

7:32

made me so angry because

7:34

when I was going through the breakup, like

7:36

every time I would question my ex about something

7:38

I'm like, so when this happened, I was right.

7:41

Wasn't that he would just like go around

7:43

and around and be like, oh, but you did this, you

7:45

know, it was never like actually having a conversation,

7:47

never actually being transparent. And he was just acting

7:50

like he was, oh, like, you know,

7:52

it takes two people to make or break

7:54

a relationship. And I'm like, yo, what the hell

7:56

is going on? So I always felt weird,

7:58

like looking into what happened with them because I'm

8:00

like, oh, it's none of my business. But when that video came out, I'm

8:02

like, I need to get to the bottom of this. What

8:04

the hell is going on? Like I just got sucked

8:07

into the drama. So of course,

8:09

where do you turn for speculation?

8:11

Reddit! It

8:12

And we're only hearing this from.

8:14

Angie's perspective her opinion

8:16

after watching the videos. But what

8:19

it sounds like for me when I'm getting, is that

8:21

the girl in this YouTube couple,

8:23

she seems like she was just trying to protect the both

8:25

of them the whole time. By not talking too

8:27

much about their relationship, trying to answer

8:29

as much questions as possible without going too

8:32

much into it. I mean, like these are human beings with like

8:34

personal lives, even though they are YouTube people,

8:36

right. People, people

8:39

UTPB

8:39

know they're YouTube people, they

8:41

are still human beings. And it sounds like

8:44

she was just trying to protect whatever

8:46

privacy that they could still have. And

8:48

she didn't put out any videos explaining,

8:50

their situation or, or anything like that.

8:53

The most public thing that she did was answer

8:55

some questions on Instagram of

8:57

which he deleted when the

8:59

questions were not in his favor, when it

9:01

makes him look bad, then he will delete.

9:03

And, and it sounds like, there's a

9:06

fuck ton of ego or shit, you know, going

9:08

on over there. And then on top of that,

9:10

he felt like he needed to. Make

9:12

a video to explain himself, which I

9:14

think is a good idea. Like

9:17

you just disappear off the face of the earth. You have

9:19

fans, so you should probably say something,

9:21

but the way that he executed it

9:24

was what was triggering because

9:26

he just kept blaming her and

9:28

kept trying to protect himself.

9:30

A hundred percent. That's exactly. That's exactly

9:33

what happened. And some of her comments

9:35

did come off very bitter especially because

9:37

he then got involved with a

9:39

new girl for very quickly, but he

9:41

also denied that he was dating her, but there

9:43

were speculations. So she did come

9:45

off bitter, but you can also

9:47

tell that there was a lot of hurt. she was

9:49

being genuine in the fact that she

9:52

apologized for being like that. Like she apologized

9:54

for letting her emotions leak onto

9:57

those comments, but you know, that's human

9:59

behavior and people going to be like, well, that's okay. Like you

10:01

made a mistake and you admitted it and you apologize

10:03

for it. But he had never actually apologized

10:06

for anything. And she has this,

10:08

invisible disease, like. and

10:10

she also struggles with depression, all these other

10:12

things, which is what made me really

10:15

like their page. And he was a very

10:17

dedicated husband who would always

10:19

take care of her. so when their split

10:21

happened, a lot of people jumped to blaming her

10:24

because everyone saw him as

10:26

the perfect husband. And

10:28

some people speculate that it was all her

10:30

fault because for the longest time,

10:32

he was able to portray

10:34

himself as the perfect husband.

10:37

And that's where I was being triggered

10:39

because my ex would portray himself

10:41

as the perfect boyfriend. And even

10:44

like last week when I bumped into

10:46

something. I had known back from when I

10:48

was still with my ex, I told her that we were no

10:50

longer together. He cheated, it was

10:52

a bad breakup and she was shocked.

10:55

She was like, what? But he was such a perfect

10:57

boyfriend. And I'm like, no, he wasn't like

10:59

what? I didn't say this to her face. Like, why would you think

11:01

he's perfect? But, but that was a lot of the reaction

11:04

from people around me. Like I thought he was

11:06

perfect, like he was so in love

11:08

with you, blah, blah, blah, all those things. That was when

11:10

I realized, well, other people's opinion of him

11:12

and my opinion of him was very different.

11:14

And that's where the triggering was coming from because

11:16

everybody viewed this YouTube for a couple

11:19

as the perfect couple. They viewed him

11:21

as a perfect husband because he dedicated

11:23

his life to taking care of her. And

11:25

he probably got caretakers. Fatigue, which is

11:27

totally natural. And people were kind of

11:29

like blaming her. She kind of became

11:31

the bad guy. And then when this video came out, everyone's

11:34

like, oh my God, no, she's not the bad guy.

11:36

I'm kind of glad that this video came out

11:38

now. You know, I,

11:41

a slightly triggered as well. I mean, as

11:43

people who have depression

11:45

and bipolar, we often feel

11:48

like a burden to those around

11:50

us, especially partners, that we

11:52

are going to share our lives with, and

11:54

sometimes. It gets into our own heads.

11:57

So we're thinking like, oh,

11:59

are we deserving of love? Like,

12:01

is this person going to walk away from me

12:03

one day because I'm too much to handle,

12:05

et cetera, et cetera. So when we see

12:08

a fellow person who also

12:10

has depression, we empathize

12:12

with them so much more. And when

12:14

we see that, oh, the crowd

12:17

is going against them,

12:19

especially because of their illness.

12:22

That's extra hurtful

12:24

for us to see, because that could

12:26

be, it could be.

12:27

Absolutely. Like, I could really relate to

12:29

her struggle of being seen as like potentially

12:32

the bad person, because everybody saw

12:34

her ex-husband as like the perfect husband,

12:36

because I was made to look like the

12:38

crazy ex-girlfriend actually, in fact,

12:40

he told people I was a crazy

12:42

ex-girlfriend when we were still together

12:45

and he told people we were already broken up. So

12:47

when I called him, it made me seem like a crazy

12:49

ex-girlfriend.

12:50

Wow. I did not know that that happened.

12:53

He told people that

12:55

you guys broke up when you guys didn't

12:57

bring.

12:58

Yeah. He told his new group of friends who

13:00

I was never allowed to meet because there

13:02

was a girl in that group of friends that

13:04

he was trying to get with. And he had told

13:07

her that we had broken up so that

13:09

she would let him make a move on her because

13:12

she said that he had a girlfriend and

13:14

she can't date somebody who has a girlfriend,

13:16

so he told her that we broke up. When in fact

13:18

we were still together and I could see

13:20

her pain in those little comments she made

13:22

where she was trying her best to

13:24

stay sane, but she was dying inside

13:26

because she was gaslighted

13:28

and she was lied to, and she was cheated.

13:32

I not, as in like physically cheated

13:34

on, but like she was cheated of her reality.

13:36

And I, I even just from those few

13:38

comments that I saw her make, I, I could

13:40

see it right away and on Reddit. It

13:43

was very obvious that a lot of other women

13:45

who went through similar experience where they had

13:47

a narcissistic ex-boyfriend who gaslighted

13:49

them, especially near the end of the relationship, all

13:52

felt the same way. It was almost like a little,

13:54

you know, like a circle of people going, yes,

13:57

this happened to me. This happened to me. I'm so

13:58

It's like a support group.

14:00

yes. It was almost like a little support group.

14:02

and I think that's where I was like, oh my goodness.

14:04

Like, it's socks and so sad

14:07

that she is going through this,

14:09

but also for myself from

14:11

a selfish perspective, it's like, holy

14:13

crap, someone else is going through this. It

14:15

actually feels. Reassuring

14:17

that I wasn't an idiot for not

14:19

seeing all this.

14:21

What is sad is that I

14:23

think stories like this are

14:25

so common

14:27

Yeah,

14:28

and we don't talk about it

14:30

because the folks who get hurt

14:32

the most. Are the ones should be telling

14:35

the story, but because they're the ones

14:37

who got hurt the most, it is

14:39

also the most difficult to tell that story

14:42

and I can see that

14:44

there would be a certain degree of shame.

14:46

yeah, exactly. And for me, if I hadn't

14:48

found actual evidence like

14:51

actual chat and actually had, you

14:53

know, connected. The other woman

14:56

people might have not believed

14:58

me. And that's the scary part. And

15:00

there's so many other victims

15:02

out there who don't have that kind of concrete

15:04

evidence. And then people might not believe

15:07

them because they're like, oh, but, but he was so perfect.

15:09

He was so good to you. Yeah, he was

15:11

because it made him look good. It's narcissistic

15:14

behavior.

15:15

He did these things, not for

15:17

you, even though it looked like it on the surface,

15:20

but really he did those things for himself

15:22

to make himself look good. And what's

15:24

most sly is him

15:26

telling his friends that you

15:28

guys have broken up so that when you

15:30

do call him it's evidence

15:32

for him that you're the crazy.

15:35

absolutely.

15:36

It's like he's setting this up so that he

15:38

makes you look even worse. So that, that

15:40

elevates him even more.

15:42

Exactly. So we were living together and

15:44

he said he wanted to move out. And I was like, well,

15:47

then let's break up. And he, this was the weird

15:49

part. He refused to break up.

15:51

He convinced me that by

15:53

him moving out for a while

15:56

and then that it would actually make our

15:58

relationship stronger. He convinced me

16:00

that that was the case. And even though I had all

16:02

these doubts, he asked me

16:04

to give him the opportunity

16:07

and to take this leap of faith

16:09

with him. Those were his exact words. And

16:11

despite how I felt inside,

16:14

I was like, okay, because I

16:16

was made to believe that he really truly

16:18

loved me.

16:19

How did you feel on the inside?

16:21

I felt tormented in hindsight

16:23

I felt that way because my actions

16:25

and my gut feelings were completely opposite.

16:28

I didn't listen to my gut feelings.

16:34

if you feel up to it, why don't we have

16:37

you tell your story

16:38

sure. Yeah. I'm at the point now where

16:40

I'm fine with it. It no longer makes me

16:42

relive the emotions. But definitely

16:45

seeing someone else go through it. It's more

16:47

from a empathetic perspective.

16:49

So with my experience, basically. I

16:51

was with this person for nearly

16:53

six years. the first five years

16:55

was really tough. we were in a long

16:57

distance relationship. We met abroad

17:00

and we decided to give it a try.

17:02

And most long distance relationships

17:04

don't work out, but this one worked out and

17:06

I saw a lot of the behind the scenes, like was

17:08

not perfect. But he was

17:11

very gentlemanly. He was really good

17:13

at that. So everyone thought of him as this

17:15

like, oh, very Gallant, British

17:17

boy. And he moved here for me.

17:19

Wow. What a profession of love?

17:22

You know,

17:22

what do you mean? What do you mean by gentlemanly?

17:24

Like, can you give some examples so that

17:27

our poop troops can paint a picture?

17:29

he'll like lend his Jack. To

17:30

any girls, he will

17:33

offer to pay food

17:35

for his friends, like male or

17:37

female. Like he always comes off very

17:39

generous. But behind the doors,

17:41

he was not that generous with me. We split

17:44

everything 50, 50, but he would pay the

17:46

bill at the restaurant, even though we would actually

17:48

split it 50 50 at the end of the month.

17:50

Ah, okay. So he like keeps

17:52

tabs of these things and, and

17:55

he'll do it for the optics

17:57

in front of other people. But,

18:01

I mean, cause I feel like 50 50 is,

18:03

is fine. Like lots of people operate

18:05

50 50 and it's all good. But I think

18:07

the difference here is that he makes

18:09

himself look like it's not 50 50,

18:12

but then afterwards it's like, yo, so you owe me

18:14

like 25 bucks for that dinner. I just paid.

18:16

Well, like we consolidate all of our expenses

18:19

together. So I was like, okay, whatever. But

18:21

the fact that he's always the person like reaching

18:23

for the bill, like, it just makes it look.

18:25

But that's like one of very, very minor things.

18:28

So everyone believed that he was like,

18:30

oh my God, he like put Angie on a pedestal.

18:32

He always talks about her. He even

18:35

made a really weird comment to me one day

18:37

out of nowhere. He's like, I realized

18:39

that girls usually want guys

18:41

with a girlfriend. It makes the guy more

18:43

attractive. And I remember being like, what?

18:45

And I was just like, okay, whatever. I just thought it was

18:48

like a random comment. I'm like, maybe like,

18:50

I don't know, drives up demand or some shit like

18:52

that. I don't know. but in hindsight it was like, was

18:54

he just using me to. Get the attention

18:57

of other girls, because whenever I met his female

18:59

coworkers, they would be like, oh my God, like

19:01

he talks about you all the time

19:04

is so sweet. Like it's

19:06

always like how good of a boyfriend

19:08

he is, but never about how good

19:10

I am. So it made me believe

19:12

like, oh, after however many years and

19:14

made me genuinely believe that that was the case.

19:16

And I never saw the, the love

19:19

bombing, which is a word that's used

19:21

to describe with somebody who just like comes

19:23

at you with intensity, in showing

19:25

affection. But it's not healthy because

19:27

it's an attempt to influence the

19:29

other person by your behavior, because

19:32

it's like, wow, those personal loves to be so

19:34

much or likes me so much that if they

19:36

stop you feel like, even more

19:38

confused about why I stopped. And it's actually

19:41

one of the signs being in a relationship

19:43

with someone who's a narcissist is you are

19:45

loved bombed at the beginning. So there was a lot

19:47

of love bombing in terms of not

19:50

necessarily like physical gifts, but just

19:52

like the emotional, the praises

19:54

that like putting you on a pedestal kind of thing.

19:56

So obviously when it ended, it was like a

19:58

huge surprise to me. And

20:01

it was like a completely different person. Like

20:03

I couldn't even recognize who this person was

20:05

anymore. Even the way he looked at me with stuff.

20:07

But it all happened. So suddenly there was no communication.

20:10

There was a bit of period before that,

20:12

that things weren't going super

20:14

well. Like things were a bit off. And

20:17

I had even a suggested, what about like an

20:19

open relationship when we were young? You're in

20:21

twenties. not too late to try different

20:23

things to see what works for you. Right. And

20:26

his response was no, no, I will never

20:28

be able to be with you if you sleep with

20:30

another man. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

20:32

Okay. Chill. Like, it was just a suggestion,

20:34

but he ends up going into another relationship

20:37

with someone else while still with me. And that's

20:39

the part I never understood until I did

20:41

more research about narcissist because I'm like,

20:43

I gave him so many exit opportunities.

20:45

I gave him so many opportunities to it'd be

20:47

like, look, let's just end this. Like, this is, it's

20:50

not going to work. But every time I brought that

20:52

up, he would like almost beg for

20:54

me to give him just a chance to give this

20:56

a chance or in his words, give us a

20:58

chance. And I was like, okay, well, if you

21:00

feel so passionately about it, but yet

21:02

every time we part ways, I

21:04

would always feel like there's something off about

21:06

this. Like this just does not feel right.

21:09

And that feeling I could physically

21:11

feel it. I felt nauseous and I couldn't

21:13

eat. I had no appetite and

21:15

I was constantly feeling anxious.

21:18

I know. I just like dropped so many things. this

21:20

whole story could be turned into like a podcast

21:22

because there were so many things,

21:24

so many things that I had never even heard

21:26

of that happened to me. Love bombing

21:29

and gaslighting.

21:30

I mean, you're in a place where you have since

21:33

recovered from this trauma.

21:35

It's really hard not to overthink

21:38

something that is happening to you

21:40

in that moment, especially when you

21:42

discovered that this person

21:45

that I have been with for six years is not

21:47

actually the person that I thought I knew.

21:49

It's really hard not to have it

21:52

consume you in thoughts.

21:54

But what I feel like

21:57

as a bystander to give

21:59

as an opinion piece is

22:01

to not try to overanalyze

22:03

it, to not try to understand

22:06

why would he say these things? Why

22:08

did he behave the way that he did? why

22:11

was he so adamant about, I can

22:13

never sleep with you if you sleep with another person

22:15

and then turns around and does the

22:17

exact same thing like that

22:19

in itself could have been a deflection

22:22

because he was already doing it. That could

22:24

have been so many different things. But I

22:26

feel like when we go, so,

22:28

so deep into the rabbit hole of trying to figure

22:31

out what is it that this narcissist is

22:33

trying to do or was trying to do to

22:35

me, could actually end up hurting

22:37

you even more.

22:38

Yes. Yes, that's right. Actually, that's a

22:40

great point. And I think that the biggest part of

22:42

recovery is to be like, you know what?

22:45

He was a narcissist. I will never understand

22:47

because I'm not a narcissist and

22:49

a narcissist can not date a narcissist because

22:51

they would both be trying to suck the energy

22:54

out of the other

22:55

The world was as implode.

22:57

doesn't work. Right. So I, yeah,

22:59

I guess the, for anybody who's listening, who is

23:01

recovering from trauma with a narcissist,

23:03

it's like, Hey, no. Yeah. Like Chrissy said,

23:06

no need to analyze it because one

23:08

only holds you back. And two, you

23:10

will never understood. If you are not

23:12

an narcissist, you will never understand it. You can,

23:14

kind of understand that this is the kind of person

23:16

they are, but you will never understand why,

23:19

like what prompts somebody to do,

23:21

stuff like that. And I think that was what I was

23:23

struggling with. The hardest. It took me a really

23:25

long time because I was analyzing nonstop

23:27

because for me, I think we've talked about this. How for

23:30

me, when I try to understand, if I'm going

23:32

through some sort of emotion and it's something

23:34

that I don't like the feeling of,

23:36

I just try to analyze it until that

23:38

feeling goes away, which is not processing,

23:41

analyze over analyzing a feeling

23:43

and actually processing that feeling is completely

23:46

different.

23:46

Correct. Sometimes when you overanalyze,

23:49

it's almost a distraction

23:51

from actually processing the emotions

23:53

that you need to be.

23:54

absolutely it's like a hundred percent

23:56

and it's a, it's a defense mechanism. It's,

23:59

it's painful to feel that way. And I think

24:01

I saw that in the Reddit comments, like

24:03

the fans who are longterm, viewers

24:06

of

24:07

I was going to say fans, the bands who were long

24:09

term

24:14

people have like, they have built a

24:16

relationship with I'm sure it was like

24:19

painful for them to hear this too. Right. Like

24:21

what happened? You know, as viewers,

24:23

and as these fans are going through the motions

24:25

of like, holy shit, what happened? they're

24:27

trying to overanalyze to try to process

24:29

what happened, but again, it's not the

24:31

same thing. One of the other, very telling

24:34

things was that this is where like some of

24:36

the commenters are just like, whoa, like how do people

24:38

even get this? But she obviously

24:40

made her own channel to make her own Instagram,

24:42

to distance herself from him because

24:44

he refused to make his own stuff. so

24:46

while she was doing that, her new page

24:48

had followed a narcissist

24:51

recovery, Instagram page, and she had

24:53

shared resources from them and

24:55

she has, liked their posts.

24:57

And when I saw those screenshots, I was like,

24:59

damn, I've done that. I did that one.

25:02

You know, of course, one, as I want other

25:04

people to know what a piece of shit he was.

25:06

So I wanted to share and be like, this

25:08

is what I'm going through, which is, you know, not healthy,

25:10

but when you're in that space, you need

25:13

to convince other people

25:15

to convince yourself that you're not stupid

25:17

for falling. And I think she was doing the same cause

25:19

they were married for so long and

25:21

yeah. I think they were married in like, I dunno, 2005,

25:24

2006 or something like that. so the fact that

25:26

she was doing all these things, some people say,

25:28

well, she's just trying to get attention and

25:30

you know what? That's probably not wrong because

25:32

when I did that, I was trying to

25:34

get attention, but I was trying to get attention in the form of

25:36

like, look, I'm not crazy. What

25:38

you see is not a hundred percent

25:41

the story. And I that's part of it

25:43

too. So obviously when I saw her do that,

25:45

I was like, this is why I'm so obsessed

25:47

with the story of. And I remember messaging my best

25:49

friend, Christine, about what happened. She's like,

25:51

oh yeah. I saw the updates and whatever,

25:53

and I didn't really look into it because I didn't

25:56

feel like it's my business. And I'm like, that's

25:58

exactly how I felt until I saw that video.

26:00

Cause all, all the things that he was doing

26:02

just reminded me so much of my ex that

26:04

I was like, oh, triggered.

26:05

it's like you are seeing this

26:07

poor girl going through pretty

26:10

much a very similar path

26:12

that you had once walked on and you

26:14

related so hard and you

26:17

had so much empathy for this person.

26:19

And then on top of that, seeing how

26:21

the ex had reacted and how

26:23

he had behaved was an additional

26:26

triggering layer, because that just

26:28

reminded you of your own

26:30

shitty ex.

26:31

Yes, that's right. I do hope that from

26:33

her experience and her going through

26:35

this and some of her fans, like a lot of her fans

26:37

are younger people, other people with like invisible

26:40

illnesses. They will see this and be like, huh?

26:42

Why is she looking into resources

26:44

like this? If she can be married to someone

26:46

like that for so long. And she's smart,

26:49

intelligent, really creative. Then if I go

26:51

through this, then that's okay. It doesn't make me

26:53

an idiot because for a really long time, I felt

26:55

like an idiot. I always thought I was pretty smart, but

26:57

like, how could I fall for something like this? Right.

26:59

But again, they, use tactics

27:01

to control you, you know, narcissists do

27:03

all these great things to control

27:05

you. And. It's not like, I

27:07

don't know how to say this. Like, I don't want to be like, oh,

27:09

I wish there was somebody there who told me he was a

27:11

narcissist, but you know, it's not like that. Cause

27:14

I, I am glad that I came out

27:16

stronger from this. but yeah, the whole triggering

27:18

thing I think is just once you have come

27:20

out of a abusive relationship

27:23

with a narcissist, you just become so good

27:25

at recognizing it.

27:26

I think another pro out of this, specifically

27:29

about that, girl YouTuber is that

27:31

hopefully for her fans to

27:33

see that people aren't

27:36

perfect on either ends, like he

27:38

was not what the fans thought he

27:40

was. And she is

27:42

also. Being so much stronger

27:44

than people might give her credit for, by looking

27:46

into these resources and by sharing

27:48

these resources. And again, hopefully that these

27:50

fans, one of the takeaways is like, okay, first

27:53

of all, these resources exists. Number

27:55

two is that, oh, wow. This person

27:57

that I really admire, that I look up to that I

27:59

follow also uses these resources.

28:01

So that means like a lot of people need

28:03

these resources. It's kind of like normalizing

28:06

the use of resources,

28:07

Mm. Yes. Yes. That is a great

28:09

way to think of it as normalizing

28:11

the use of a resources. And this

28:13

is stuff that I had never even known was

28:15

a thing. You hear like, oh, that person's

28:17

such a narcissist. It's usually like, oh, they're being like

28:20

a really selfish person. but now I really

28:22

understand what a narcissist truly is

28:24

and I can be like, yeah, you know why he wasn't around.

29:28

Since watching that YouTube video and

29:30

you know where you are now, I know you're no longer

29:32

triggered we've had this conversation, you felt

29:34

a lot better even just by having

29:37

this conversation, not today, but like

29:39

with other, I mean, today as well, I'm going to take some credit

29:41

for that, but also

29:43

with other people offline, right. That

29:45

in itself made you feel a lot better. Any

29:48

other tips for what

29:50

to do when you do feel triggered?

29:52

And I know triggering can be caused

29:55

by so many different ways and the

29:57

magnitude can be very, very different, but

29:59

specifically to something that like reminds you

30:01

of a past relationship or something that

30:03

was, you know, reminded you of a very

30:05

toxic behavior from someone, what would

30:07

you say are some tips on how

30:09

to go beyond that trigger?

30:12

What happens post trigger?

30:15

I can speak about it from my

30:17

experience. Right. Cause I guess everyone has

30:19

a different way of going through

30:21

triggers. Or moving through triggers

30:24

for me, I'm a pretty angry,

30:26

triggered person. So the

30:28

first thing, the first thing I did

30:30

when I was triggered was I ranted to Christine

30:33

and she's like, what? Like, you know,

30:35

like, and I'm like, it's the video that video,

30:37

the video made me really angry. And then she, I

30:39

don't know. Cause she knows me so well. She just kept asking me

30:41

questions where I'm like, okay, I guess it's not that big of

30:43

a deal that I'm triggered or whatever. like, so

30:46

react, however you need to react. it's okay.

30:48

If you're a trigger, that's your emotions. Don't

30:50

suppress it just as long as you're not hurting

30:52

anybody else, just let your emotions

30:55

out if you are triggered because that's what they're there

30:57

for. Right.

30:57

let it come out naturally the way that

30:59

it wants to come out, as long as you're

31:01

not hurting yourself or other people.

31:03

Exactly don't hurt anyone, including yourself.

31:06

And, the next thing would just to

31:08

talk to somebody about it. Like I was triggered

31:10

by this, what the fuck? And

31:12

usually if it's a good friend, they'll understand

31:14

what you're going through or what they can at least sympathize.

31:17

And they'll probably give you some perspectives

31:20

too, because when you're in such a

31:22

high emotional state, you know, we don't

31:24

think very clearly, and we don't

31:26

really have very clear perspectives.

31:29

So it's helpful when you have

31:31

this conversation with someone else and they can be like,

31:33

okay,

31:35

Yeah, exactly. And that's

31:37

exactly what Christine did. I

31:39

would say that it's really easy

31:41

to fall into the trap of trauma

31:43

bonding. If it's somebody who

31:46

has the exact same perspective as you,

31:48

and that's exactly what Reddit was doing,

31:50

it was uniting all these people

31:52

who felt the same way. Everyone was ranting

31:54

from the exact same perspective. And

31:57

after a while, it's not healthy because

32:00

for those of, for those people who

32:02

don't know how to stop, they're going to keep digging

32:05

and keep digging for stuff to feel triggered

32:07

by. And that's what trauma bonding

32:09

is. And it's unhealthy as well. So

32:11

having a friend who. can give

32:14

you a different perspective. It's a good thing.

32:16

Obviously, my first reaction to her,

32:18

like not reacting the same way

32:20

as me was like, what the hell? You don't understand

32:23

me. Right,

32:24

you're supposed to be.

32:27

exactly. But of course, in

32:29

hindsight, that's like a better way

32:31

to respond to a friend's

32:33

trigger. And hopefully your friend is understanding

32:36

enough to know that you're not, not siding

32:38

with them. Just that your PR providing a

32:40

different perspective.

32:41

So you said that there's going to be no takeaways today.

32:43

There's a fuck ton of takeaways

32:45

Oh my God. There's so many takeaways.

32:46

So, the

32:49

first one is really to go with your gut, whatever

32:51

your gut feeling is at whatever situation

32:53

that you are in to go with that

32:55

gut and try not to be influenced

32:58

by what other people are trying to tell

33:00

you. The other one is appearances

33:02

can be hella fucking deceitful,

33:04

and we don't fucking know what

33:06

happens behind other people's closed doors.

33:09

Third one is YouTubers

33:11

or just people. Celebrities are just humans.

33:14

We all go through similar

33:16

shit, even though we live, maybe

33:18

we live different lifestyles, but we all have

33:20

emotions. We all are going to be hurt

33:22

and there's going to be some good ones

33:24

and there's going to be some not so good ones out there.

33:26

The fourth one is over-analyzing

33:29

can cause you more pain. So check

33:31

in with yourself, check in with a friend

33:34

to see if maybe are you

33:36

spiraling into some crazy rabbit

33:38

hole situation. And if

33:40

you are see if you can get someone

33:42

to help pull you back out of that, because

33:44

that can cause more damage. Especially

33:47

when it's a time to be processing

33:49

the information or the emotion,

33:51

rather than try to avoid it by over-analyzing

33:54

it to. And the fifth one is

33:56

people are always going to have their fucking opinions, especially

33:59

if like these YouTubers is

34:01

going to be people who agree with them and people who don't

34:03

agree with them. Right? This is

34:05

today. We're speaking from Angie's

34:07

perspective about what had happened in this situation.

34:10

We're just spectators in this. We're

34:12

just fellow fans watching this

34:14

drama unfold, and we have our own

34:16

opinions and other people will have

34:18

their own opinions as well. And they might not agree with

34:20

us. And that's okay too. People are always

34:22

going to have their opinions. So whatever

34:25

decision or choices that you make in life, it

34:27

really is not about them.

34:29

Yeah. And you know, for me, I relate

34:31

to her more because I've been through something similar.

34:33

So I'm biased towards that, but maybe someone

34:35

else relates to him more so they're there on

34:38

his side. Right. People take sides and

34:40

you know, as much as we can say, like, try

34:42

not to take sides, like I I'm

34:45

taking a side, obviously.

34:47

there's always.

34:49

yes and no side is the same. Is

34:54

that what you were going to say?

34:55

No, but I

34:57

don't really know what I was going to say, but that was great.

35:00

yeah, I think, okay. So there's this one thing

35:02

that I read. So obviously like

35:04

in my post trauma recovery

35:07

stage, I followed and looked

35:09

at a lot of those healing, Instagram

35:11

pages. And to be honest, like as

35:13

cheesy as they might look or say. They

35:16

do help for somebody who's going through trauma.

35:18

They do help because they like a lot

35:20

of this stuff, stuff they say is the same, but

35:22

after repeating it and they reiterate

35:25

like, like you're not broken, you're not dumb.

35:27

Things happen. Shit happens. It does

35:29

help. And one of the ones that

35:31

I read that really resonated with me was

35:33

that there is no single version

35:36

of you. And that made me go, whoa,

35:38

because after what happened, I really,

35:40

really cared about my

35:42

image because my image was tarnished

35:44

so much by this event. Like another

35:47

fortunate thing was that he had actually

35:49

admitted that he was cheating to

35:51

some of our mutual friends. He admitted it

35:54

in a group chat, like there's a screenshot

35:56

of it. So, because he had admitted it, my

35:58

friends were like, you know, It was

36:00

not good of you to drag Angie through the mud

36:02

like that. And that made me feel

36:04

so validated that I wanted

36:06

the same from everyone else. No matter whether

36:08

or not I was close with them or not. So I really

36:11

cared about my image and there was this quote

36:13

that made me go relax, like chill the fuck

36:15

out. Not everybody needs to know what happened.

36:17

Not everybody needs to know. your side of the story.

36:20

Like it doesn't matter.

36:21

Not everybody needs to like you because

36:24

not everybody does.

36:25

Well, not even like, for me, it wasn't even like when I just

36:27

want people to know that, like, I didn't, I wasn't,

36:29

I didn't do anything wrong.

36:30

I wasn't in the wrong, like.

36:32

Like, of course I did do things wrong, but it

36:34

wasn't like, you know, it was like, he actually

36:37

did this huge thing wrong. Like I just

36:38

But that's like a, that's like an ego thing

36:41

now. That's almost kind of like, it's

36:43

almost like what the dude, you

36:46

do bird dead. It was like, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did

36:48

these little things wrong, but like she did all these

36:50

big things wrong.

36:51

Yeah, sort of, yeah, kind

36:54

of. I think for me, it was because

36:56

he had already come in so many people that I

36:58

was the crazy one that I wanted to undo that damage.

37:00

So there was even a mutual guy friend who literally

37:03

told me that he was convinced

37:05

that I was crazy until

37:07

some other friend told him what had actually happened.

37:10

And for me it was like, that was

37:12

really like, what the fuck? Like, whoa,

37:14

he had actually, succeeded in convincing

37:16

a mutual friend that I was crazy. So after

37:18

that, I really wanted to do a lot of like damage control.

37:21

But then when I read this quote, it was like, there's

37:23

not a single version of you, every person. Version

37:26

of you is different. And I was like, yeah, you know what, that's fine.

37:29

And it was only after I read that quote that I learn

37:31

to relax a little bit about damage control,

37:33

because it's not the same thing. So I guess I

37:35

that's, that part is relatable because that's

37:38

what she did as well. She tried to kind

37:40

of expose him for what he did because

37:42

she was of course traumatized and

37:44

bitter just like I was. But then she

37:46

ended up apologizing for dragging people

37:49

into it and she just

37:51

moved on from it. And when she did that, I

37:53

moved on to, I no longer looked at

37:55

what was going on with our drama. I was like, good.

37:58

Like she's now moving on. And for some

38:00

reason that made me feel like I could move on to.

38:02

Nice. I think that's a great way

38:04

to end our episode today. Just

38:06

fucking move on.

38:08

Which is harder

38:09

Always easier to set up than done. Always

38:11

easier said than done.

38:12

but hopefully we have provided

38:14

some tips on how to do so.

38:16

In our next episode, we are going to be talking about

38:18

periods because one of our poop troops

38:21

asked us specifically to

38:23

talk about menstruation. So tune

38:25

in for that episode.

38:27

Yeah. I'm so excited. I can't wait. I love talking about

38:29

menstruation.

38:32

I almost want to tailor this episode

38:34

for Men.

38:36

me too.

38:36

because we know we've

38:39

we already, we

38:40

you know, we know, what this? We

38:42

ask them, tell me one fact about

38:44

periods and ask me a question

38:46

about periods. And then sometimes

38:48

if they tell us a fact that's

38:50

wrong, that'd be pretty funny.

38:52

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

38:53

Yeah. You know what? Let's just do my offense. Just ask, ask

38:56

like an arrange, like a range

38:58

of male friends. Also ask John

39:00

and ask Nick.

39:02

Uh, we'll

39:02

I'll get, this will be so much

39:05

fun. Okay.

39:37

This, this website I actually trust

39:39

it's the Atlantic. and

39:41

Cities with the highest density of

39:43

sugar daddies, uh, distribution

39:46

per 1000 males, Atlanta,

39:49

number one at 19

39:51

Vancouver, number two at

39:53

13, sugar daddies

39:55

per 1000 males. Yeah.

39:58

that's quite a bit.

39:59

Vancouver is above

40:01

like all the other things is the

40:03

So there's a lot of sugar daddies in Vancouver.

40:06

males.

40:07

Dang. So I'm going to move back now. If

40:11

I needed a reason to move back, it's not because

40:13

my partner is there. It's not because all my

40:15

friends and family are there. It's because

40:18

it has the highest amount of sugar

40:20

But then again, it's quantity, not quality,

40:23

although I don't know if there's such thing as a quality

40:25

sugar daddy.

40:26

I think what matters is what are they

40:28

called? Sugar babies, the sugar babies.

40:31

You want to have low quantity,

40:34

high quality. And then the, the

40:36

sugar daddies you want

40:38

high quantity and high quality.