0:00

I got there and they

0:02

don't allow you to have bras in the psych ward, like

0:04

they don't allow you to have a bra because you

0:06

can strangle yourself with it. allow

0:08

you to have a sports bra, but I didn't, I mean,

0:10

I had just come from the office, so I didn't have

0:13

any, I didn't have anything. I had a real proper

0:15

bra, so, so they took it away.

0:18

was like, okay, stand

0:20

here, saggy. I'm not a small person. I will say

0:22

that I was saggy just the whole

0:24

time I was there. All right. Whatever

0:52

welcome to another episode. Today.

0:54

We have Tanushree Sengupta

0:57

Tanushree is into biking

0:59

and baking and reading. she was a mechanical

1:01

engineer, turned industrial designer,

1:04

turned high school math teacher in

1:06

New York city. She is also

1:08

the founder and host of the Desi

1:10

condition podcast, which is a platform to speak

1:12

more openly about mental health taboos in

1:15

the south Asian community and explore why

1:17

stigma exists and how

1:19

to upturn it. Welcome Tanushree

1:21

to the show.

1:23

Oh man. I don't even know what I can add. You already

1:25

know my life story. Like basically my life

1:28

story is that crazy career trajectory,

1:31

but I am happy to be

1:32

Yeah. I mean, that's amazing.

1:33

curious to know, how did you get

1:36

into the mental health space

1:38

from being an engineer or designer to now

1:40

a teacher? I know these are your

1:42

day jobs and then like you also

1:44

do your mental health advocacy your

1:46

podcast. That's like our night job

1:49

My night job, my nights and weekends job.

1:51

I don't have a life outside of working

1:53

all the time constantly. no,

1:55

so I got into it because, well, I, I always

1:57

kind of had some kind of mental health, like

2:00

thing going on. I was about to say disaster, but I

2:02

thought maybe I should be a little bit nicer to myself. There

2:05

was always some kind of disaster, right.

2:08

Good for

2:11

Yeah, no,

2:14

so I, there was always something going on. I

2:16

always just knew something was off. So I

2:18

was diagnosed later in life.

2:20

So like only a couple of years ago with dysthymia,

2:23

is, not major depressive disorder, it's

2:25

persistent depressive disorder. I think

2:27

they say major depression can affect,

2:29

at some point I think like a 25%

2:32

of adult Americans will experience that.

2:34

Something like that, like as a much bigger percentage, whereas

2:37

persistent depressive disorder is much less common.

2:39

It's like one or 2%. because it's something

2:41

that is often, it, I,

2:43

I think that it can be doable. I don't know too much about like

2:45

the bio chemistry of it, but, I'm a

2:47

math person, but I, I believe

2:49

that it can be developed. I'm not sure,

2:52

but from what I understand, it's something

2:54

that is genetic. It's like something that you're very much born

2:56

with. And so like that, that was the chemistry of my

2:58

brain. Like from day one, I,

3:01

what happens is you have this consistent,

3:04

like underlying level of depression, and

3:06

then you just have like episodes where

3:08

it gets really bad.

3:09

okay.

3:10

I could say that I've never not

3:12

been depressed. So I don't know what it's, I don't

3:14

know what it's like to not be depressed. So that's

3:16

where I was at that point. And finally,

3:18

like, somehow I started realizing that for

3:20

like a lot of different reasons. and

3:23

I was like, well, maybe

3:26

so there was a turning point, right. I had a suicidal

3:28

episode. and that, that

3:30

was really the turning point for me because I thought, well,

3:32

maybe this could have been avoided, but I don't know.

3:35

I don't know how it could have been avoided, et cetera, that it was just,

3:37

I was just reflecting on my past. Why did it take

3:39

so long? Like I knew I had a lot of issues before,

3:41

but I chose not to do anything about it.

3:44

and then, then I started thinking about. My,

3:47

my, culture, I guess my

3:49

family, and just thinking about my background

3:51

and that's, that's why I run the Desi condition.

3:53

Like that's why it's a south Asian podcasts, because I think

3:55

when you think about de-stigmatizing, when

3:57

you talk about de-stigmatizing, you really have to talk about

3:59

culture. And so for now, I

4:01

mean, who knows, like what my advocacy

4:04

will look like in the future. but it's

4:06

been very much focused on the south Asian space

4:08

and then sometimes I'll write articles or do like,

4:10

like a talk or something somewhere. And

4:12

that is much more like a much

4:15

broader spectrum, or it's not

4:17

just limited to south Asian, but at least when

4:19

I podcast it is specifically south Asian

4:21

and that's, that's why that happened. so yeah,

4:23

I just got into it because I was like, well, I went through

4:25

these things. I'm sure that a lot of other people

4:27

are doing the same thing. I'm experiencing the same

4:29

thing and let's just like dissect

4:31

it, and figure out even why

4:33

it exists, like the stigma and figure

4:36

out, kinda, I think about it as like, what's

4:38

the word I'm thinking of a scenario map. Scenario

4:41

mapping different people's, mental health stories,

4:44

hopefully just kind of help each other out.

4:45

speaks so much, I think to both Angie

4:48

and I, because that's why we are doing a

4:50

podcast. And as,

4:52

east Asian, as like Chinese we

4:54

also come from a place where

4:56

mental health is not prioritized. not

4:59

only do we talk about it, we

5:01

avoid talking about it.

5:03

if some auntie or some uncle.

5:07

You know, is

5:10

it experienced trauma? They either

5:12

just laugh about it or, or

5:14

we, we just don't talk about this person in the family,

5:18

as kids, we see that,

5:20

and then we emulate that. And so we're like, oh,

5:22

we learned that it's not okay

5:24

to talk about this. So then we end

5:27

up internalizing all of our pain and

5:29

trauma and frustration. then

5:31

now as millennials,

5:33

we're adults now, and we're like, well, what the fuck

5:36

happened? And I got lost stuff

5:38

brewin' and I think we need to talk

5:40

about it. So all the things that you had

5:42

just said, I think really resonated. okay,

5:45

this is the first time I've heard of this dysthymia

5:49

So I did a bit of Googling and I got basically

5:51

what you just said. You mentioned

5:53

you just got diagnosed a few years ago.

5:55

But then there was a suicidal episode. Was

5:58

this before or after, how did you get to a place

6:00

where you went and

6:03

asked support and ask for help? Like

6:05

what's happening to me.

6:06

Oh, I didn't ask. I didn't, I was

6:09

taken, I was whisked away because

6:11

I was, because I was having these suicidal

6:14

ideations and I had plans and I was going

6:16

to care like act on those plans. so,

6:19

the weird thing is, I don't know if this happens in

6:21

Canadia, but police show

6:23

up anyway,

6:25

Yes.

6:25

police came, that happens there

6:27

Yeah.

6:27

Makes no sense, not mental health professionals.

6:30

but whatever. So the police came, they were, they

6:32

were super nice about it. and then they,

6:34

I guess, made the decision to call the ambulance

6:36

because they are health professionals, whatever.

6:39

don't know, whatever. I'm just lucky that they were

6:41

like good, nice people. Right. anyway,

6:44

so they, they, called the ambulance. I was there,

6:46

I would think to the hospital and they were like, we

6:48

can either like force you

6:50

to go. Like, by sedating

6:52

you, or you can just choose to do. And I was like, eh,

6:55

I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna walk in there. It's fine.

6:57

because they, they did me and they realized like,

6:59

no, this, this woman seems like she's

7:01

might hurt herself. So, so yeah, so

7:04

I was admitted to a psych

7:06

ward for a little bit under a week. And

7:08

I had known full well at that point that

7:10

I was depressed. I, that I had

7:12

a problem. I just kind of thought I could manage it on

7:14

my own. And then, that happens, obviously

7:17

something peaked. So, then

7:19

that's where, like we were talking about it and they figured

7:21

out that no, actually like you have thing

7:24

called dysthymia. Yeah. So that's how I learned

7:26

about it.

7:27

Okay. First of all, you were given the option

7:29

of being sedated or not being sedated.

7:32

and clearly if you're in a place

7:35

where you're about to do harm to yourself,

7:37

that is not a calming

7:40

It was after I got to the emergency room that

7:42

they were like, okay, we've decided that you really need to

7:44

be admitted. So either you can like,

7:46

come like actually walk with

7:48

us there or like we were going

7:50

to have to sedate you. You seem like a smart person, just

7:53

come.

7:54

just that experience alone seems really traumatic

7:56

just listening to you. was

7:59

also, to a

8:01

psych ward before and same

8:03

thing. Like it, it wasn't

8:06

a place where I chose to go in. It

8:08

was placed where there they think wasn't

8:11

causing harm to myself. They afraid

8:13

that I was going to cause harm to others. And

8:17

so I was 11

8:19

or 12 at that time.

8:21

And I was in elementary school

8:24

and basically I

8:26

was acting out a lot. From my

8:29

own shit that I was going through and

8:31

they're like, oh, okay, well, it seems

8:33

like you're a mean person, so

8:35

we're just going to take you in and call your parents.

8:38

And then next thing I know I was whisked

8:40

off into the emergency room and

8:42

I was there for two weeks.

8:43

oh, wow.

8:45

I'm like, yeah, feel you.

8:47

Oh my God. And you were 11, 12 years old.

8:49

That is a really scary a

8:52

kid, that's.

8:53

it's very traumatic. We did talk about it

8:55

and like episode two in five,

8:57

I believe. And I remember one of the things

8:59

that I pointed out, so. The

9:01

action or the situation that made the teachers

9:04

go, Hey, this girl is trouble. We need to send

9:06

her to the psych ward to make sure she's not a psychopath.

9:08

Uh, was the fact that there was a girl

9:10

who was bullying Kristy and Kristy

9:13

decided to retaliate and like attack

9:15

her, but didn't actually do any physical

9:17

harm. Just try to, like, I don't know, like,

9:19

you know, like when Homer Simpson grabs Bart

9:22

and kind of like shake them like that, that's basically

9:24

what Kristy was doing.

9:25

That's actually what I

9:26

yeah. That's like, so

9:29

I guess, because it was the action of like on the throat

9:31

that made people go, whoa, and I pointed

9:33

it out like, Hey, if you guys were boys,

9:35

do you think it would have been treated the same? And

9:38

honestly, I don't think there'll be. Yeah,

9:41

because this was like, what 2001, 2002.

9:43

And just, everything was still very things

9:45

are slightly better now, but things were, yeah.

9:49

Things were bad. Like I know you're an educator

9:51

and that's not something you would ever do to,

9:53

to your kids, like your students. And,

9:56

Kristy works in healthcare and she

9:58

would never forcibly ask somebody if they want

10:00

to be sedated. And I think that just points

10:02

to really the fact that, Hey,

10:04

these are our individual stories. We all have

10:06

these, experiences on the good

10:08

and the bad side of mental health

10:10

and mental health care. but Hey, look,

10:13

if everybody has a story and everybody's

10:15

story is so different, it means it's

10:17

a systemic issue. And

10:20

that's exactly why we're all here.

10:22

Yeah, exactly.

10:23

What was that experience like for you when

10:25

you were admitted into the hospital

10:27

it was really weird. Like

10:29

I just remember, so I remember my

10:32

first night there, it was a Thursday evening.

10:34

I was still like in my work clothes and,

10:37

I got there and they

10:39

don't allow you to have bras in the psych ward, like

10:41

they don't allow you to have a bra because you

10:43

can strangle yourself with it. allow

10:45

you to have a sports bra, but I didn't, I mean,

10:48

I had just come from the office, so I didn't have

10:50

any, I didn't have anything. I had a real proper

10:52

bra, so, so they took it away.

10:55

was like, okay, stand

10:57

here, saggy. I'm not a small person. I will say

10:59

that I was saggy just the whole

11:01

time I was there. All right. Whatever. So,

11:04

me being braless by the way, side note is not

11:06

a comfortable thing. Like I know a lot of girls love that. Not

11:08

comfortable for me. Like too

11:10

much here for that to be comfortable.

11:12

then anyways, so,

11:15

Yeah. W it was, it was a weird

11:17

braless experience for me. remember

11:19

getting there the first day like, my,

11:23

so, like I had roommates because I was in like

11:25

the, I guess, lower threat

11:28

level of the psych ward.

11:31

so I had a roommate, but, I remember

11:33

her just like staring at me,

11:35

watching me sleep. And I was just like,

11:37

totally fine with it. But any,

11:40

any other time, like if I'm in,

11:42

I mean, I grew up in New York city. So like, if somebody

11:44

is looking at me for a second too long in the subway, I'm

11:46

like, what the fuck? Like, where are you looking

11:48

at? Who's this person, like, I'm about to start

11:51

a fight, it

11:53

was just like, that's fine. I'm sorry. She's like, watch

11:55

me eat breakfast. I was like, it's cool. She probably

11:57

needs to do that. It's all right. She's

12:00

got a reasons. So it was very

12:02

much like just casual insouciance

12:04

the whole time throughout. And I

12:07

made friends there. Actually switched

12:09

roommates at one point and it was this girl

12:11

who was sleeping and she woke up and she

12:13

just immediately started talking about Harry Potter and I'm like,

12:15

I'm with it. So I

12:18

keep in touch with her. And there's this other person that,

12:20

that I met there. yeah, no,

12:22

I, it was, making a sound like it was like this,

12:24

this trip. No, it was not like this

12:26

Yeah.

12:26

we went on, but yeah, it

12:28

was, I don't know. it was kind

12:31

of a blur because I feel like I remember,

12:33

I think that you would imagine someone

12:35

would sit there and be very

12:38

reflective and try to like analyze.

12:40

And there was definitely that happening, but there

12:42

was also a lot of me reading,

12:44

like children's novels because there are slim

12:47

pickings in the hospital library.

12:49

Like I read tuck everlasting. And

12:52

just stuff like that.. Like, you don't have technology,

12:54

you just kind of like live. So sometimes, like there was

12:56

an ice cream night and I was like, I'm living for this,

12:58

like this, this is my ice cream night this is thing

13:01

that's happened to me.

13:02

Wow. That's. Wow.

13:04

what was the hardest part of it

13:06

it was really tough. But then at the same time, I

13:08

remember just like laughing and joking

13:10

with people. We were just like playing board games. Like I'm

13:12

really making a sound like it was fun. It was not fun.

13:16

I remember just like being so numb

13:18

that I didn't know how to like be sad,

13:21

properly sad about it. So I'm still like, yeah,

13:23

it was definitely a bad experience cause it was numb. I

13:25

knew that it was serious in the back of my mind. Like I knew

13:27

that this is very serious. I have to take this seriously, but

13:30

I wasn't ready to take it seriously until

13:32

after I left the ward

13:35

after. It was a whole different scenario,

13:38

very different person. So after

13:40

I left, remember

13:42

going into the office for like weeks

13:45

and weeks at a time, I would sit

13:47

there, maybe work for like an hour or two total

13:50

and just stare at the wall. And then I went home,

13:52

I took the bus home, got

13:54

home, turned on my TV and stared at the TV. Like

13:56

I just, I just was existing. I was just a shell

13:58

of a person at that point. and that lasted

14:00

for months because that's when I was finally like, okay,

14:02

I'm back in the real world. And

14:05

I don't know how to do this. And,

14:08

and I, I know that I don't want

14:10

to leave. I don't want to die. I just

14:12

also don't want to live, you know, that

14:14

feeling. So that was

14:17

existing was hard. Just simple things

14:20

were hard.

14:20

I hear you and I'm saying

14:23

this in a way where I'm, I'm like,

14:26

I hear what you're feeling, but I also

14:28

acknowledge that every person's experience

14:30

with depression and with their own mental health has also

14:32

different. A couple months ago,

14:34

I was in this very

14:36

depressive state where I, what

14:39

you had just said, I, I didn't

14:41

want to die, but I also didn't want to live

14:44

and I remember during that

14:46

time, I thought about admitting

14:48

myself back into the hospital because

14:50

I remembered that when I first went into

14:52

the hospital. Yeah. I,

14:56

I watched beauty and the beast I read

14:58

Nancy drew book in there, you know,

15:00

we played board games and I had

15:02

three meals every day brought

15:05

to me. I didn't have to think about all those things.

15:07

And yeah, it sounds like it's a

15:09

good time when we say it like this, but there's

15:11

also the really traumatic, scary stuff

15:13

as well. Like all the doctors

15:15

and people talking to you and

15:17

Yeah.

15:18

and all of those things. But, but

15:21

the, the part of the

15:23

memory of being in the hospital

15:25

was watching a lot

15:27

of movies was like talking

15:29

to these kids and, trying to be friends

15:31

with them. And a couple

15:34

months ago, I thought I'm like, I kind

15:36

of want to do that again because I cannot function

15:38

in this reality right now. I can't function in

15:40

my society I just

15:42

want to be put in a place where I don't really have to think,

15:45

and I don't really have to function the way that

15:47

I'm supposed to function

15:49

and that made me want to go back to the hospital

15:52

because I wanted to be in a place

15:54

where it was like simpler times where I can just watch

15:56

Disney movies and it will be okay.

15:59

Yeah, well, I mean, wow, you got movies. I didn't have

16:01

the luxury of movies. I

16:07

had tucked over the last thing, which

16:09

I remember I read in fifth grade and I thought it was just the greatest

16:11

love story of all time. And then I read it in the psych

16:14

ward and I was like, this is a 15 year old

16:16

and an 18 year old in love with each other. This is

16:18

kind of weird and problematic. That

16:20

was just like very critical of that. It was like word,

16:22

instead of thinking about my own problems. So thinking about this

16:24

book. Yeah, no, no,

16:26

we very much knew that it was, it

16:28

sounds nice, but when we were there, we were very,

16:31

there was a lot of like dark humor

16:33

over there. Yeah, which I kind

16:35

of enjoyed because we can't make that kind of, those

16:37

kinds of jokes outside of a psych ward. It's a

16:39

very special brand of comedy,

16:42

where we're like, yeah, you know, we're in, we're

16:44

in a resort, like all inclusive

16:46

there's food, there's everything like, you know,

16:48

So after you got diagnosed and

16:51

that was when you started to feel

16:53

this level of like non-existent

16:56

ness, how did you

16:59

overcome period

17:01

of time?

17:02

Yeah. So I,

17:05

it wasn't even the diagnosis. The diagnosis

17:07

definitely helped because I was like, okay, this is starting

17:09

to make sense. and it helped

17:11

to know that I. There,

17:14

there is kind of a way out

17:16

of it. Like I could do therapy, so I was going

17:18

to therapy and I was like trying to find medications

17:20

and stuff. my first,

17:23

Ooh, this is, this was a major setback for

17:25

me, but my first experience. So they

17:27

set you up with the therapist, before you

17:29

leave. So the therapist they set me up with

17:31

was within their, their system. So

17:34

I visited her. It was, I want

17:36

to say like four days after I left

17:39

the psych ward and she was awful.

17:41

she was awful. I told her that

17:44

I was just like talking to her about my history with

17:46

depression and suicidal thoughts and stuff. I told her,

17:48

like I had had suicidal thoughts before. Like I was nine

17:50

years old, the first time that happened. And

17:52

I told her about

17:55

that and what I was thinking, what my plan was and like

17:57

how I'd acted on it. I,

17:59

like, I won't get too much into like the details

18:01

of that, but basically

18:04

like I was using nine year old. To

18:06

try to like harm myself.

18:09

And it didn't work because I was nine years old and I didn't know

18:11

what I was doing. And that's perfectly possible for a nine-year-old.

18:14

she like, kinda laughed after

18:16

about it it was very much

18:18

not okay

18:19

oh, my goodness.

18:20

She was like, oh, so like, what'd

18:22

you do the next day? Like you just went back to school and

18:24

I'm like, well, I mean, what do you want me to do? I'm nine years

18:26

old. I don't have any over where

18:28

I go. My mom took me to school, so that's where I wanted

18:31

to go. Cause that's what I did next. so

18:33

that was a setback. I was

18:35

like, wow. Like I'm at a point where I'm finally telling

18:37

somebody that this actually happened to me as

18:39

a child. And like,

18:42

was just getting laughed at, she like kind of smirked at me. She didn't

18:44

like laugh out loud, but she was definitely

18:46

smirking. so that was

18:48

Okay.

18:49

people be careful with your therapist out there.

18:51

I think there'll be in general is always a good

18:53

idea, but like. If

18:55

somebody, if a therapist makes you feel

18:57

less, like you got switch or you can always switch

18:59

therapists, just switch.

19:01

Yeah, I think that's really, it's really good

19:03

that you advocate for yourself like that. And like when

19:05

she did that, you're like, okay, no, this is not okay. And

19:07

I think a lot of people, who are in vulnerable

19:09

spots, like, especially if they're just kinda

19:11

like going with whatever other people are telling

19:14

them to do, you wouldn't know to stand up

19:16

for herself like that. And yeah. Like anything

19:18

in life, like there are good and there

19:20

are. And there are good therapists

19:22

and there are bad therapists, unfortunately.

19:25

but that's, I can't believe she's marked that's.

19:28

exploring out. Okay. And it's lucky that I've

19:30

always had like an attitude about other

19:32

people giving me shit. I'm like, I'll abuse myself as

19:34

much as I can, but like with other people

19:36

try with me, no, fuck that. Like no

19:39

only I have the right to hurt myself. You

19:41

don't backwards

19:44

logic, but that that's how it was. But for

19:46

anybody else, that is somebody that isn't maybe isn't

19:48

like that. Like, I, I can only imagine

19:50

how bad that could have been. So

19:52

then. Yeah. So I think

19:55

like that was, that was definitely really hard. And

19:57

then just, it was, it was just trying

19:59

to spend, I just spent the next few months

20:01

trying to reckon with this fact that I'm,

20:04

I consider myself a pacifist. I've

20:06

always I've I don't think I've ever had a violent

20:08

urge. Very truly. I don't think I've ever had

20:10

a violent urge. Like my, my revenge

20:13

fantasies are, people are like, oh, I'm gonna pour coffee

20:15

on your laptop. Like, they're not even real, you know,

20:18

not like violent things.

20:20

I'm like, oh, get your drawerstuck. I

20:22

will like put gum in your pockets. They're not real

20:24

things. Right. Kristy's

20:27

like cracking up at me. Yeah.

20:32

But like, I don't have violent thoughts, I

20:34

had this extremely violent thought about

20:36

myself. And I just couldn't reckon with that because

20:38

it was like an identity thing too. Like I, I,

20:41

I, I pride myself in my peaceful tendencies.

20:44

and so that was hard for me too,

20:46

because I was like, why, why did I let myself

20:48

be the exception as a self hate really? That. one

20:50

thing that helped obviously like things like therapy,

20:53

whatever helped, but, the starting

20:55

the podcast helps because it

20:58

really just helped me connect to my surroundings

21:01

my roots like the people

21:03

around me and I was started to meet people. And I think

21:05

like when you're depressed, you feel

21:07

like you're very alone and you feel

21:09

like you're the only one going through it. And just

21:12

for me, best thing, the

21:14

best antidote to that is always just to

21:16

reach out whether it's like people or even

21:19

just nature, just going outside and existing

21:21

in the world. Like, I, I think that

21:23

it's very easy to just live

21:25

in your own universe when

21:28

you're in that head space. So I just needed to get

21:30

out of it.

22:32

And do you mind me asking you what it was like

22:34

with your family and friends once they found

22:36

out that you were

22:37

yeah. So, it was, it

22:39

was. You know, it was something that I said

22:42

maybe a little bit too casually. So

22:45

for the first couple of months afterwards,

22:47

like I was just taught, I

22:49

was like talking about it. Like I knew that it was something

22:51

that was kind of heavy and I probably shouldn't talk about

22:54

it. But if, if a friend happened to be in touch

22:56

with me, happened to reach out. I was like,

22:58

oh yeah, this thing happened to me, la dee da

23:00

whatever, no big deal. I

23:02

didn't think about the effect that that would have on other people.

23:05

So, I mean, now I think

23:07

about it. So obvious if a friend comes up to me and tell me like,

23:09

Hey, I want through this thing, I, I would definitely

23:11

feel some type of way about it. Right. But I

23:13

just didn't think about that. so I

23:16

remember I told a friend of mine

23:18

and she didn't really, I think

23:20

she didn't necessarily know like to

23:22

follow up with me about it. Like, she was definitely checking

23:25

in on me and stuff, but, we didn't like

23:27

sit and talk about my feelings. It was more like she was there as company,

23:29

which is like, which was good. Like I needed that. It

23:31

was her birthday came up like three months later

23:34

and you know how girls get drunk

23:36

and we're just like, reallylovey doveywith

23:39

each other. And we're like, oh my God, I love you. And

23:41

we're crying and we're happy. So like, we were

23:43

doing that. And then suddenly we were sad

23:45

awww

23:45

or like, oh my God, I love her. And

23:48

she's like, oh my God. You know, like

23:50

I couldn't, I couldn't do anything

23:52

for like three days. And I was like, huh, that

23:55

makes sense. Like, I would have felt, I w

23:57

I would have felt the same way if she had turned around and said the same

23:59

thing to me too. so I just, I

24:01

was, I just didn't even, I, this is what I

24:03

mean. I mean, I needed to think outside

24:06

of my own universe, I didn't even stop

24:08

to think about what would happen, like to other

24:10

people who heard this about me. Like I

24:12

figured, okay, well, I didn't die, so

24:15

everyone's fine. No,

24:17

like there's more levels in that.

24:19

Yeah, I, you know what, that's the really

24:21

hard part. when I was going through like

24:23

this really rough patch for myself as well, it

24:25

was kind of like shortly before I was diagnosed with bipolar

24:28

and same thing. I went through this really depressed

24:31

episode and there were a couple of people, including

24:34

Kristy, who are really there for me.

24:36

Kristy was really good at handling it because you know, she's

24:38

been a mental health expert, so she was

24:40

11.

24:41

Not an expert.

24:42

you you, have been in the realm of mental health

24:44

space. Yeah. Since you were 11.

24:47

Uh, but yeah, other people around me, they didn't really know

24:49

like how to help. What check-in

24:52

and stuff like that. And, but I did have

24:54

a couple friends who told me that it was exhausting

24:56

to be my friend

24:57

oh my God.

24:58

and I was, and that I was selfish and

25:00

of course, for good reasons, they are no longer friends.

25:03

Like I'm no longer friends with them, but I did

25:05

think about it after the friendships

25:07

ended, because when, we're depressed

25:10

and when we're in that space where like, just

25:12

trying to stay alive, the last

25:14

thing we're going to think about is how we're

25:16

affecting other people. Cause we're just like

25:18

trying to keep our nose above the water

25:21

so that we can survive another day that

25:23

we forget, like, oh, and I think to the

25:25

people who might not as be understanding,

25:28

or maybe, maybe they're not as, well-versed

25:31

in that area, it might come off really

25:33

selfish. Cause like we don't really care. Anything

25:35

else, except to type of like, Hey, I'm just, I

25:38

need to like, make my bed and just like go

25:40

lie on the couch for a bit. Right? Yeah.

25:42

So the fact that I think

25:44

you recognize that from your friend being

25:46

like, oh my God, like I couldn't sleep for three days.

25:48

I think that's a, that's a really good revelation

25:51

to kind of pull us out of that

25:53

hole. Do you think that helped kind of pull

25:55

you out of that hole a little bit?

25:57

Yeah, definitely. I mean, in the beginning

25:59

I just kept talking about it because I gave no

26:01

fucks and I had no filter. Right. But

26:04

after that happened, like I started being more cautious

26:06

about it and I was like, all right. It just made me

26:08

want to connect more,

26:10

like, just keep reaching out. Whether it's like,

26:12

like I traveled a bit after that. I

26:14

was like making new friends. I started podcasting.

26:16

I was just like, I just need to ground myself.

26:19

And you'd like to it's like, I imagined myself

26:21

as a tree with roots coming out and just trying to

26:23

like grab onto the earth. Like,

26:25

I feel like that's what I was

26:26

Hmm. I like that. imagery

26:29

It makes me wonder now because

26:32

I, as a mental health advocate,

26:35

try to speak about mental health. Very

26:37

openly candidly

26:39

and very like, I don't give a fuck.

26:41

This is what's happening. Like I

26:43

have depression, you know, I, I

26:45

have an anxiety attack right now. Like,

26:48

I will just speak to it as if

26:51

it is as

26:53

if it's okay. Oh God, no, I'm uncomfortable.

26:55

This is great. Every time I'm uncomfortable. I'm

26:57

like, this is good stuff because our

26:59

podcast this is about. But I try

27:01

to speak it in a way where I'm not making

27:04

it a thing, because I feel like mental

27:06

health, people make it a thing. Like

27:08

they were like ooo mental health, you know?

27:11

And so the way I approach it

27:13

with my community, my surroundings,

27:15

my friends, my workplace. I

27:18

speak to it as if it's any other

27:20

illness. Like had a cold

27:22

or I had a flu, or I went to the hospital

27:24

because I had meningitis, you know, I,

27:27

I had depression. I needed to stay,

27:29

stay in and I needed to take care of myself.

27:31

It's it's the same thing. But

27:34

in this conversation, I'm thinking like,,

27:36

could I be causing second hand,

27:39

trauma or harm to someone

27:41

else if I'm so nonchalant about it?

27:43

Hm

27:44

And I don't, I don't have an answer to this,

27:47

but it just made me question my

27:49

own way of being a mental health

27:51

advocate. Is that actually, am

27:53

I causing more harm or, or

27:56

is it, is it also harmful to just

27:58

be like trigger, warning, everything. maybe

28:00

that is also harmful too, because we can

28:02

never. Quote unquote, normalized mental

28:05

health. If we keep putting trigger warnings

28:06

yeah, no, it's a good question.

28:08

Where's the, where's the balance?

28:10

It's it's a great question. It's a great thought

28:12

that you had. I,

28:15

I mean, I guess I don't have an answer for this either

28:17

for me, at least the thing that I was talking

28:19

about was like very heavy.

28:22

was talking about a very heavy experience. Like I

28:24

tried to die type of thing. Right. I

28:27

don't recommend just dropping that on anybody

28:30

obviously, but

28:32

I have casually mentioned like,

28:34

you know, I was just really depressed, so I couldn't do this

28:36

thing, so I just didn't do it. I

28:38

do do that. I, I don't

28:41

think it's a huge bomb to drop

28:43

it, but I guess it depends on your, it depends on a lot of things.

28:45

It depends on your audience. I don't think I would just

28:47

say that in the workplace, but, if

28:49

it's an acquaintance or a friend, I would feel much

28:51

more capable. It just depends who you're talking to or knowing what

28:53

it is.

28:54

Yeah, don't do it drunk at a club to a random

28:56

person. And I, and I that

28:58

from personal experience.

29:00

the one,

29:01

No, I I'm speaking from personal experience.

29:04

Like this was when,

29:06

this was, this was when, like

29:08

my depression was at its worst. This was also

29:10

when I was suicidal again. I

29:12

also had an incident when I was nine. Like,

29:15

this so serendipitous? We have like some similar

29:17

events. I don't know if that's good or bad, but,

29:19

I was like not in

29:21

a good place and I

29:23

had just started medication and I should

29:25

not be mixing with alcohol, but honestly,

29:28

like I, I was off of work.

29:30

I took a sick leave from

29:32

work and, somebody was doing

29:35

like a birthday type of things or like, like

29:37

some sort of party. So I went and

29:40

it was one of those things where they say like, Hey, when you have

29:42

depression, you can be in a room full of

29:44

people, but still feel lonely. That

29:46

was like exactly what I felt. It was like

29:48

the epitome of that definition. And

29:51

I was just willing to drop by and say hi to a couple

29:53

people and then I wanted to leave, but

29:55

then I stood there just like looking

29:58

at everyone and everyone just looks so happy

30:00

and so full of life and just loving

30:03

life. And I'm just like, why can't I

30:05

feel like that? I'm like, why don't I feel

30:07

like that? And I walked out to the, onto the

30:09

balcony and I kind of just like

30:11

breathed in this fresh air,

30:13

kind of looked at the city lights and I was like,

30:16

you know what? I can be like that. I can totally

30:18

be like that. Which, you

30:20

know, not a good idea to do force

30:22

yourself into a better mental state

30:24

using alcohol, which is what I did that night.

30:27

so instead of dropping by to say hi, I

30:29

ended up staying and

30:31

we ended up getting into a party

30:34

bus, and then I got even more drunk.

30:36

peed at Stanley park, like,

30:39

we went into the club.

30:40

It's basically central

30:41

It's basically like the central park of Vancouver.

30:44

and then I made, I became like BFFs with

30:46

this like one person right away, you know, when

30:48

you're drunk, but then he just broke

30:51

up with his boyfriend. So we were kind of like bonding

30:53

over. Failed relationships.

30:55

And then he ended up puking behind an

30:57

alley. And I went into the club with everybody else

31:00

and I was so drunk. I don't remember this. I

31:02

only remember it like little blips

31:04

of it in hindsight, but I was talking

31:07

to some guy who I've never met

31:09

before. And I was just talking to him about

31:11

like, life, like philosophical

31:13

stuff. Like, why

31:16

is life so monotonous?

31:19

How do you get through the drudgery of

31:21

daily life to just eat? And

31:23

I'm like, look around you. Everyone's just here

31:25

drinking. Just to try to forget about their

31:27

problems. When in reality, we should

31:29

all be, I just

31:31

like saying all this stuff at a club and

31:33

this guy just sitting there like staring,

31:37

he was not the audience.

31:39

it was not the right audience. It was not the right

31:41

place, not the right mental state. It

31:43

was okay. Obviously in hindsight, I'm

31:45

like, that's hilarious that I did

31:47

that, but the next morning

31:49

I was mortified. I'm like, oh my God,

31:51

I'm never drinking again. cause I remember the

31:53

look on his face. It was just utter

31:56

fear. It

31:58

was like a combination of fear and

32:00

awkwardness and just shock. So,

32:04

yes, back to your point, audience

32:06

really matters.

32:08

Yeah. Yeah. Some people are really uncomfortable with

32:10

mental health talking about it and like to does

32:12

you just can't.

32:13

That's what podcasts are for.

32:14

What is something that you are uncomfortable

32:16

in sharing with your parents?

32:19

Yeah. So, oh my gosh. I have

32:21

such a long mental health story. So like I

32:23

got diagnosed with ADHD when I was in

32:25

college. So it's been like 10

32:28

years at this point, something like that. was

32:31

diagnosed and I started taking medication

32:34

and oh my God. I told them

32:36

that I was taking medication whatever

32:38

reason. I wanted them to know. my God.

32:40

I have never fought with my parents like that

32:43

ever. Like, it was so bad

32:45

the way that we fought. it was so like,

32:47

it was just so. Ah, what's

32:50

the word I'm thinking about? Animalistic

32:52

I feel like is the word, but it wasn't,

32:54

it wasn't like physically, like we were

32:56

harming each other's. I mean, it was just very, this

32:58

is a very like verbally violent,

33:01

the way we were fighting with each other.

33:03

what was their stance

33:04

So their stance was very much anti-medication

33:07

I was like, no, I

33:09

I'm at a point where I, I just got

33:12

a 1.8 GPA and

33:14

that was not a cute look for me. So

33:17

I was like, no, I'm definitely smarter

33:19

than this. And I think there's an issue happening here.

33:21

And that was when I got diagnosed with add, and,

33:24

they're very much anti-medication and I was

33:26

very much pro because I was like, oh, that's not

33:28

just, it's not just school. It's also like

33:30

my social life social also like me running errands

33:32

on a Sunday, you know, just like trying

33:34

to like live, like I do have

33:36

ADHD My

33:39

dad's nephew. So my

33:41

cousin, I never met him. He died before

33:43

I was born, but he died. what it sounds

33:45

like I don't have the full story really.

33:48

And I don't know that anyone really knows the full story,

33:50

but I believe that it was a drug

33:52

overdose due to prescribe medications.

33:56

We're talking about India in like the

33:58

seventies where a psychiatric medicine

34:00

was not good. definitely very

34:02

stigmatized. Who knows who he saw as he, who

34:04

knows if he was even prescribed or if it was just like

34:06

some drug dealer, like who knows. So

34:08

anyway, he died, from

34:11

a drug overdose. And so they're very much against

34:13

like psychiatric medicines. And I understand

34:15

that. but I was trying to tell them that like, things

34:17

are different now, but they're, they're not gonna

34:19

feel that way. Especially

34:22

like my dad and he went through something traumatic. He lost

34:24

his nephew, so

34:25

Yeah, I can, I can see where they're coming

34:27

from. Like, they don't want you to have

34:29

the same fate. Of course, you're their daughter

34:31

and they don't want you to meet the same fate as their

34:33

nephew did. but sometimes it's,

34:35

yeah, sometimes they're so preoccupied

34:38

with the notion of protecting. You

34:40

that they forget that you have

34:43

something to say as well. So how

34:45

is your relationship with them now

34:47

in terms of, your mental.

34:49

Yeah, so it's still, we

34:52

don't really talk about my mental health.

34:54

It comes up now and then I,

34:56

I don't even bother telling them that I'm taking medication

34:59

at this point. I think that my mom like

35:01

knows, but at this point, I think she's kind

35:03

of like, you know what, like, I can't do anything about it. My

35:05

dad would definitely disapprove if he knew.

35:08

I'm like, at this point, I know what I'm doing.

35:10

I'm not going to sit here and like, take adderall just

35:12

for fun. You know, I'm not doing that.

35:15

I'm not taking recreational drugs. So

35:17

I'm like, I don't feel bad about it if he doesn't

35:19

know, it's fine. Like I'm not doing anything wrong.

35:21

They do both know that I have depression.

35:24

my mom has seen

35:26

me, she was like visiting me in the psych

35:28

ward and stuff. So she like understands the extent

35:31

of it. but it's still something

35:33

that we don't talk about.

35:35

You know, I, I can't just walk up to my

35:38

and be like, I'm having a depressive episode.

35:40

I think their solution would be like, some

35:43

water.

35:46

Eat some fruit

35:47

Yeah, I

35:50

got it. So I'm just like, eh, whatever, we

35:52

don't have to talk about it. It's fine.

35:54

Yeah.

35:55

and, and that's something that like, you know,

35:57

both Angie and I are also grappling

35:59

with because it's, it's it's

36:01

difficult to share

36:04

with your immigrant family

36:06

who like went through so much trauma

36:09

of their own and then come to

36:11

a brand new country to give you

36:13

a better life. And then. Here

36:15

you're like talking about something that they just

36:18

don't understand because health

36:20

is not something they've been

36:21

Yeah.

36:21

on. And when

36:23

their sole thing is

36:25

just survival, it kind of seems

36:28

like first world problems. When you talk about

36:30

mental health

36:31

Yeah.

36:32

their eyes,

36:33

exactly what it is. They're

36:35

like, what do you mean? Like, you know, you have everything

36:37

in there, you know, you don't, you don't you'll get over it.

36:39

Just, just wait it out type of thing. No,

36:41

I never really got over it, but

36:43

Yeah.

36:43

I mean, they, they don't, they, they, they do mean,

36:46

well, they just, they

36:46

Yeah, Yeah, exactly. And, I.

36:49

I have a pretty good relationship with my mom.

36:51

that's only because after she moved

36:53

to Canada, she pursued education

36:56

as well. So she's like an early childhood educator.

36:59

So because of that, she has to go to all these workshops.

37:01

She has to learn all these like Western

37:04

methods of rearing children, you

37:06

know? And, so she's a lot

37:08

more understanding, like really understanding

37:11

actually. And I'm so lucky to have

37:13

that kind of support. And when I

37:15

told my mom when I was nine and I

37:17

tried to kill myself, she didn't

37:20

berate me. she w I

37:22

was crying, so she was crying too. She's just like, I

37:24

wish you told me so I could have helped you. But

37:26

then I was like, well, if I told you, then it'd

37:28

be completely different, right. Because back then she

37:30

didn't have the emotional tools. And

37:33

I didn't tell my dad, but then she told

37:35

my dad that I was diagnosed and now I'm on

37:37

medication. And he would just like,

37:39

you know, like back in China, You

37:41

know, when I was born, like all

37:43

these babies died and I'm like, what does

37:46

that have to do with anything? But that's just again,

37:48

right? Like they, they

37:50

come from the same background, but you

37:52

know, my dad's actually is a nicer person

37:54

than my, well, they're both great people, but

37:57

my mom, because she's had the education,

37:59

she reacts differently. So I can't, I can't

38:01

blame them, but it's also like a really

38:04

frustrating.

38:04

Yeah, it is really frustrating. I mean,

38:06

at this point it's like, I'm not going to hide

38:08

anything. just also not going to actively

38:11

volunteer that information. So like, my mom

38:13

knows that I'm on antidepressants. You

38:15

know, it was that I'm taking, Adderall or some

38:18

type of drug for my attention level.

38:20

I think for her, she's also

38:22

just kind of, she is definitely more educated

38:24

about it now, but I think she's also like she saw me

38:26

in the psych ward. Like she doesn't want me to have that

38:29

to happen to me again. So I think for her, it's like,

38:31

just let her do this. and if it starts getting

38:33

bad, like I gotta trust that my daughter will start to

38:35

deal with it. If it starts getting really bad, like

38:37

I'm a grownup

38:38

Yeah, you don't need to ask for permission.

38:40

yeah

38:41

what is one thing that you're doing right

38:43

now, for your own mental health?

38:45

So, oh my gosh, I, this

38:47

is such a great question because the

38:50

answer is effectively not much

38:52

at all, it's,

38:54

it's only for this very short window of time

38:56

and I promise I'm going to get better at it because

38:59

I'm, I'm in a, I just started grad school.

39:01

Um, I'm in a training program. Thank

39:04

you. I'm training to be a math

39:06

teacher, this program will allow you to teach in

39:08

school, will teach while you're in

39:10

school. So, so that's why I

39:12

say that I'm a teacher, cause I am actually teaching and

39:14

I'm also in school for teaching.

39:17

And so the summer program, they basically

39:19

just throw you in the classroom. so I teach for

39:21

four hours a day and then I have

39:23

training for a couple of hours and then have class with three hours.

39:25

So I'm up at six and I'm not stopping

39:28

until seven 30. That's what, that's my schedule

39:30

these days. It's it's okay.

39:32

It's six weeks. It's not that bad. I

39:35

only have two weeks left. I'm almost done,

39:37

but, self care for me right

39:39

now just looks like budgeting

39:42

my time in a way that makes sense. And knowing

39:44

how to prioritize self care

39:46

a little bit later is going to be

39:48

going to a spa and having a spa

39:51

day, at this point, like, my

39:53

schedule is so rigid, there are not a lot

39:56

of options. This is probably like better.

39:58

This is probably a better time for me to

40:00

answer this question. Then another time where I have

40:02

a lot more time on my hands for like more

40:04

fun self-care sometimes

40:06

self-care needs to happen when you're in a crunch.

40:08

Right. For me. Yeah. Like

40:10

I said, prioritizing and being really

40:13

valuable with my time, but also like giving myself

40:15

options. So, even with my

40:17

priorities, I remember

40:19

like I had this project to choose

40:21

between like lesson planning for this thing, or

40:24

like this project that I wanted to. And I just like, could

40:26

not wrap my head around this project. I just couldn't

40:28

do it. Like I was just like, this is the time that a

40:30

carved up to those project and I just didn't want

40:32

to force myself to do it. So I procrastinatedthat

40:35

with other homework. But sometimes

40:37

you just gotta give yourself choices when you're in a time

40:39

crunch. I think that's the best that I have

40:41

been able to do. And I, I don't negotiate my

40:43

sleep. I'm sleeping

40:45

seven hours a night. It's happening. It

40:47

doesn't matter what's happening. And so it does make me

40:49

work harder during the day, but

40:52

I sleep well at night. So those couple of things

40:54

have helped. I'm trying to drink a lot of water,

40:57

trying to make myself some granola.

40:59

Got to incorporate some of those parental advice

41:01

in there. Lots of water, lots of sleep,

41:05

lots of fruits and vegetables.

41:07

I feel like that's what a lot of. Asian parents

41:09

do, like, no matter which part of Asia you're

41:11

from, they're like here's some cut up fruit.

41:13

Yeah. I went to whole foods and

41:15

I found this oat based whipped cream.

41:17

And it's better than milk-based with cream.

41:19

I'm over the dairy whipped cream.

41:22

I'm over it because this is so good. And so

41:24

that's like my, I can have

41:26

as much as what I want type of

41:28

food so it's another self-care

41:30

mechanism. Right. Just have as much as you want or

41:32

this one food. So I just

41:35

Gorge on fruits and whipped cream.

41:37

That sounds really good.

41:38

I try to have days where I'm mostly vegan

41:40

actually down thinking about it. That kind

41:42

of is a self-care technique. Cause I feel good about it at the end

41:44

of the day. I'm like, all right. I was completely vegan today. I

41:46

feel good about that. And like working towards

41:48

Yeah, that's actually a great way. Like insert

41:51

a little bit of altruism into

41:53

your daily, uh, self care routine. Yeah.

41:56

Do somebody for someone else. So it feels

41:57

Yeah. That's actually, one of the tips

41:59

is when you're depressed, like what one of the coping

42:01

mechanisms is like help somebody it'll

42:03

make you feel better.

42:05

Yeah. Yeah.

42:06

Well, I think we just had a really good conversation

42:08

today. How are you feeling?

42:10

I feel great. I love talking to You guys

42:12

You guys are great.

42:15

One thing I want to say is your Instagram,

42:17

highlight stories where it spells

42:20

Oh my God.

42:21

Yes. Thank

42:23

yep. I want to be like, that is the

42:25

Brilliant.

42:26

I need to tell her this. I need to be like,

42:28

yo, we just talk about the

42:31

first?

42:31

so good. I love it. I, when I saw that

42:33

I was like, Kristy, did you see this? She's

42:35

like, yeah, I already saw it. I was like, oh my God. I'm

42:38

so

42:38

I them.

42:39

I believe that it has gotten me more

42:41

followers than I would normally get, and

42:44

I spent so long making it happen

42:46

and I'm scared to update my stories now, because then I'm going

42:48

to have to update everything. you know, like the,

42:51

the last highlight will go to the

42:53

front then, and that's so annoying. Why

42:55

doesn't it just stay in

42:56

Yeah. Oh yeah. That's true.

42:58

like scared to update them, but I'm going to have to, it's

43:00

going to have to read some more, says at some point,

43:03

plural, and I'm gonna have to deal with that.

43:08

if our poop troops don't know what we're talking about,

43:10

you guys are just going to have to go and check out

43:12

Tanushree's Instagram page. We're going to link

43:14

all of that in the show notes. Where else

43:16

can our listeners find you?

43:18

yeah. So you can find us on Instagram

43:20

and Facebook at the Desi condition. I feel like I'm

43:23

doing the end on my own podcast

43:25

and I'm like, you can find us here, here, here. you

43:27

can also email us at the desi condition

43:29

at gmail dot com or you can tell you that us at

43:31

TDC podcast underscore, we

43:34

love hearing from you. I

43:38

hope you guys. I have here. hope you

43:40

make good choices. Oh

43:43

my God. Okay. I can't take myself seriously.

43:45

It just rolls off the tongue after awhile,

43:47

after you said it about like 5,000 times.

43:49

Yeah, exactly. Only, only that many times.

43:52

yeah, you can, you can email me. You can find me

43:54

on Instagram. we are also starting,

43:57

what is called the Desi collaborative. as

44:00

was mentioned before I have, I

44:02

have a master's in industrial design. I

44:05

went to our school, the whole shebang,

44:07

and I noticed that there were only

44:09

like a few other brown people there.

44:11

And I thought that was very interesting because the south Asians

44:14

are so lively and colorful with

44:16

their, their artistic way. So creative, like

44:18

there were, there were a lot of other Asians or there just weren't

44:20

in south Asians there, which I thought was so interesting.

44:22

So, I decided to,

44:25

to use that space, it's kind of an offshoot

44:27

of the desi condition to explore that intersection

44:29

between mental health and specifically

44:33

for creative professionals, that's

44:35

something that I feel like it took me

44:37

a long time to get over. There

44:40

was something there. Right. There was something that stopped me from getting

44:42

into industrial design in the first place. that's

44:45

something that I want to use that space to explore and just

44:48

to like connect people with each other. So yeah,

44:50

you can also find us on the DC collaborative.

44:52

They'll be things like, I mean, it's called the Desi

44:54

collaborative, but like really it's for everybody. so

44:57

we're planning to have like Q and A's and like

44:59

webinars and, interviews

45:01

and stuff with, with people who can just give

45:03

like real valuable advice to other

45:05

people and just, try to connect people with each other, particularly

45:08

south Asians in the creative industries. So

45:10

yeah, you can find us there. on, on

45:13

Instagram at the Desi collaborative

45:15

website is to come or just find out

45:17

that, that they see a condition where around.

45:20

of course, all of this is going to be in the show notes.

45:22

Yes. Love it.

45:24

Thank you for coming onto the show and sharing your stories

45:26

and talking about your experience in

45:29

hospitalization, being diagnosed,

45:31

sharing with your friends and family the

45:34

stigmas with our parents

45:36

and medication. that's the whole right?

45:40

So thank you very much for sharing that with us

45:42

and to our listeners.

45:43

thank you. It was great talking to

45:45

Yeah, it was so nice to meet you and

45:47

to have your energy and your

45:49

hilariousness on our show,

45:55

it's feel good feedback

45:57

And today. Oh

46:05

boy.

46:09

Okay. Give us, give us the good

46:11

feels. Give us the good feels.

46:14

So this, feel good feedback is from

46:16

Natalie. Hello, Natalie. Natalie

46:18

says just listen to episode

46:20

six. It was crazy. How many times I

46:22

said to myself, wait, that's

46:24

not normal. That whole bridge story

46:27

you talked about. I can't tell you how many times

46:29

I've had similar intrusive thoughts.

46:31

Mine is definitely more a conversation

46:33

in my head. Ha ha but interesting.

46:36

I thought the current disaster of my apartment

46:38

was because of me being lazy, but I couldn't

46:40

understand why I didn't have the motivation

46:42

to do anything about it. Thank

46:44

you, Angie and Kristy for talking about shit

46:46

we don't talk about.

46:47

As always, they make me feel good.

46:50

That's why they're called feel good feedback. Thank

46:53

you, Natalie, for sharing that with us. And

46:56

I think what

46:58

do I, what do I really want to say? Thank you

47:00

for also being vulnerable with us and sharing

47:03

how the bridge story spoke to

47:05

you because you were also in

47:07

a place of vulnerability. So thank you for.

47:10

Yeah. So that wraps up this

47:12

episode with Tanushree Until

47:14

next time.

47:14

Peace

47:48

what was that?

47:50

That was me trying to mimic our

47:52

segue music.

47:54

do it again. I

47:58

did not recognize it.

48:01

Well, it was just the first two new notes. Newts.

48:08

I'm not even the one who's reading Harry Potter.

48:10

You're the one who's been

48:11

Oh my God. Yeah, I'm trying to fit it. I'm

48:14

trying to finish the seventh book before

48:16

my puppy at rise.

48:18

Oh my God. Okay. Let me try Doon,

48:22

Doon, Doon.

48:24

Okay. Gotcha. I

48:27

was wondering which, which segue

48:29

you were thinking about.

48:32

Okay, we're

48:32

Yeah, let's just I'm going to stop because

48:35

yeah. Okay.