0:26

Hello Internet, I'm your husband and host of Travis

0:28

McElroy. And I'm your wife host Teresa McElroy.

0:31

And you're listening to Schmanner. It's extraordinary etiquette.

0:33

For ordinary occasions, hello my dove. Hello

0:35

dear. How's your year going? Too

0:40

early to say. Oh see I expected

0:42

a very much like passing someone at

0:44

the office like great how's your I

0:46

was not expecting so much introspection.

0:50

Well it's only the third. Yeah that's why

0:52

I was expecting a like head not great bill

0:54

and not like man let me tell

0:56

you man it's just I it's hard to process

0:59

sometimes. Well

1:02

it is what it is. Okay

1:04

still not giving

1:07

much here that's fine. Happy

1:10

New Year. Happy New Year. We

1:12

did it. We survived. Here

1:14

do you want to see how I thought? Ask me. How's

1:16

your year going? Great thanks for asking. How about

1:18

you? And then we're

1:20

on with the show. It's

1:24

a great start. If

1:26

you any fans of My Brother My Brother

1:29

Me here tonight. Hey where's your hands your

1:31

fan. How are you 20 fungalore everybody. And

1:34

if you're not a fan of My Brother My Brother Me

1:36

that makes no sense. Hey even if you are a fan

1:38

of My Brother My Brother Me that might make no sense.

1:41

What are you gonna do? For this

1:43

episode we decided to start the

1:45

year off with a little Q&A. A

1:48

little tetta tetta betwixt us in year.

1:51

And ask Schmanners. We love these ones.

1:53

Ask Schmanners. So

1:55

here we go. I'll read

1:57

the questions. Hi Schmanners.

2:00

Hello, hello. I am

2:02

one of those people. I hate parting

2:04

with my Christmas decorations every year. I just

2:06

don't want to put them all back in

2:08

their boxes. But I also know that it

2:10

can be a little taggy to leave your

2:12

decorations up until Easter or something like that.

2:14

So to be straight with me, how long

2:16

is too long to leave

2:19

up my holiday decorations? I

2:21

want to start off by saying you

2:23

get to decorate your personal space however you

2:26

want, no matter the time of year.

2:28

Our children, they

2:30

tend to want to keep their Christmas

2:32

trees. They have little like hobby

2:34

trees or whatever with the

2:37

tiny... Full of their little dreams. With

2:39

tiny ornaments. They tend to want to

2:42

keep those until at least February.

2:44

Sometimes they have to just disappear.

2:47

Sometimes we must do it under the shadow

2:49

of midnight. Because we need to

2:51

make room for other things. Yes. But you

2:55

can keep yours up however long

2:57

you like. The only difficulty is

2:59

outdoor decorations are different. I

3:02

would say the end

3:04

of January is pretty

3:06

much the cutoff. Although traditionally January

3:09

6th, which is

3:11

the Three Kings Day or the Epiphany,

3:14

is when a lot of

3:16

like religious sex

3:19

decides that the Christians

3:21

must put away their Christmas things in

3:24

order to continue like the

3:26

different celebrations, right? Sure.

3:28

That wasn't a thing. In the Baptist

3:30

church, no one's like, hey, take down

3:32

the inflatables, Bob. That wasn't like a concern.

3:35

I was going to say end of January

3:37

seems long to me, but I would

3:40

say... For outdoor stuff? Yeah. I

3:42

think that that is dependent on the neighborhood

3:45

you're in. Sure. Like... Maybe

3:47

you have an HOA that has specific dates. See,

3:50

I was more thinking as I was

3:52

pulling into the driveway this evening, I

3:55

noticed that a neighbor down the way still has their

3:57

Christmas lights up, so I don't feel bad about it.

4:00

But I don't want to be like the

4:02

last person in the neighborhood like

4:04

to take theirs down You know mostly cuz

4:06

like we have quite a few lights And

4:09

right across the street from us is an older gentleman,

4:11

and I don't want to be like hey Have

4:14

fun, bud, and like every night, you

4:16

know five to eleven blasting them with

4:18

the holly jolly spirit You know some

4:20

people actually say that the twinkle lights

4:22

during the darkest nights of the year You

4:25

know really help with their seasonal depression. Oh,

4:27

okay. Well, then he's welcome I don't

4:29

know. I don't know if he suffers from that but

4:31

okay You know people also do

4:34

they keep the tree and they

4:36

put up Easter they put a Valentine's Day decorations

4:38

They put up yeah, can I just say Arbor

4:40

Day decoration? You don't have to put anything on

4:42

it Yeah, just the tree and everybody bows down

4:44

to it. I'm not sure However,

4:47

you observe it your home But

4:50

yeah, they definitely do make those kind of things if

4:52

that's what you want to do I'm

4:54

looking forward to taking our tree down because I want

4:56

to have all that room for activities again Yeah,

4:58

that's true and where it is is they should the

5:00

only place we can put it half the couch can't

5:03

see the TV So that is

5:05

a bit of a concern luckily. There's few

5:07

enough of us, but it's not a problem

5:10

But I also know people I mean if

5:12

it's an after thing I've always I don't

5:15

think you can do this with like inflatables right

5:17

for obvious reasons or some lawn decorations But I

5:20

know that there are people at town who just

5:22

leave the lights up you're around us unplug them

5:24

Right yes, not lit. Yeah, there are things as

5:27

like permanent Christmas lights that you could have

5:29

installed Yeah, you just don't turn them on question

5:32

two. I hope you're already.

5:34

I hope you all put a for the

5:36

right answer That's correct. Yeah taking your scantron

5:38

now. Do they still use scantron? No, it's

5:40

all digital. I'm pretty sure So

5:44

kids Could I

5:46

there was an added anxiety of not only you're taking

5:48

a test but the worry of like what if I

5:50

don't fit? I only fill in 98% of the bubble

5:53

and it doesn't out okay enough

5:55

about how old we are What's the proper

5:57

etiquette for wishing someone a happy new year?

6:00

if the person celebrates it earlier or

6:02

later than you. Okay,

6:05

all right. You're always good to go

6:07

with a happy holidays. Okay, so wait,

6:09

do you think that this is about like Chinese

6:11

New Year, Lunar New

6:13

Year maybe? Or like time zone, because

6:16

that's what I was thinking of. Of

6:19

like I have, you know, especially when I was,

6:21

when we lived on the West Coast, but like

6:23

I have British friends and I got LA friends.

6:25

My British friends are having their new year's five

6:27

hours ahead of me. Yeah, they're

6:29

getting a happy new year the next day. Let's be

6:31

honest, the LA friends, you're getting

6:33

it the next day. I'm not saying that till 3

6:35

a.m. Two-ish year, huh? No.

6:39

Well, so it's not a religious thing.

6:41

So it doesn't really carry the same

6:43

kind of baggage as Merry Christmas does,

6:45

right? So I think you're

6:47

good, as

6:49

long as it's like, it's

6:53

new-ish, right? Yeah, happy new-ish year.

6:56

Oh, I didn't realize you were new-ish. You

7:00

know what I mean. You're probably good

7:02

within a few days of

7:04

celebrating your new year, right?

7:06

Yes. But

7:08

like February is too late, I

7:10

think. Yeah, and I think it's

7:12

the time zone side of it. My

7:16

gut says try to like do it

7:18

on their new year, right? So, and

7:22

it works out great, frankly, if you're on

7:24

East Coast time and your friends are in

7:26

London and you're old, because then it's

7:28

like 7 p.m. Happy new year,

7:30

everybody. Good night. We do that

7:33

with the girls. Oh yeah. Because they're

7:35

not gonna stay up till, I don't think they physically could stay

7:37

up till midnight. So we- I

7:39

don't think that I could physically keep them up

7:41

until- I know. We'd have to be dumping like ice

7:43

water on them, right? It would be like bootcamp. And

7:46

so we put on like a live stream of

7:49

like the London fireworks and do a countdown at 7 p.m.,

7:52

have some sparkling juice as

7:54

a toast. And then bedtime. I bet it confuses

7:56

our neighbors though, because we have those little popper

7:58

things, you know, you pull it, it chills. She's

8:00

on streamers and I guess here and everybody like it's

8:04

What's happening? Well, that means

8:07

it's a little bit. That's all right. They're not they're

8:09

not that intrusive. That's true. Our kids

8:11

know the popper Oh, okay What

8:14

is the proper response to someone

8:16

saying drive safe and the like

8:18

thank you seems weird Anything

8:20

else I can think of just sounds wrong

8:22

at best and arrogant at worst I

8:25

deliver for FedEx and I get this five to

8:27

ten times a day and never

8:29

know what to say Can I

8:31

tell you that when I tell someone

8:33

to drive safe? I am NOT listening

8:35

to what they say after Yeah, I

8:38

don't I don't care. That's my that's

8:40

the end of my interaction and drive

8:42

safe. That's it I

8:44

don't care what they say to me.

8:46

So I think thank you is fine.

8:48

Nobody's really listening, right? You

8:51

stay safe in your house You

8:54

as well you sit safe Maybe

8:57

maybe if two people are parting from it

8:59

the same destination and from the same place

9:01

and going to different destinations You can say

9:03

you too Right, but I

9:05

mean as a FedEx driver, like you

9:08

said people say five ten times a

9:10

day So you see me I just

9:12

thought say three drive safe. I'll try but you

9:14

drive me wild. Oh Yeah,

9:16

right. That sounds like a lawsuit. Yeah. No, that's

9:19

right. I was sorry. Don't do that Okay,

9:21

sorry, I forgot it was the fact when I thought

9:23

about that that was just like a friend or a

9:25

loved one saying that Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know what

9:27

in retrospect to forget. I said anything Forget

9:30

I said anything you could say have a nice day Or

9:34

like okay. I will thank you. This

9:36

is the thing of I Agree

9:39

with you completely there in their head because that is

9:41

not being said for your benefit, right? This

9:44

is like when someone sneezes and you say

9:46

like bless you Right is because they feel

9:48

like they need to say something at this

9:50

point, right? Yeah, like they go you don't

9:53

think you know, drive things for the bigger

9:55

or whatever like you say have a great

9:57

day Or whatever you

9:59

say the of a FedEx interaction or

10:01

just giving them a package and they feel

10:03

like I need to say I have I

10:05

need to say so drive safe because they're

10:07

not gonna say like I hope your son

10:10

does well in a softball game tonight they

10:12

don't know so drive safe is just like

10:14

their thing. It's

10:17

not a command it's not really a command it's

10:19

not like drive safe or I'll know like it's

10:21

not I don't think it's that. And

10:24

so you are you are fine it is

10:26

not arrogant you can just say thanks you

10:29

can say have a great day whatever

10:31

they're not listening they're not listening to you. Let's

10:36

see next my college campus is

10:38

throwing a huge celebration for Lunar

10:40

New Year that's not a tradition

10:42

that my culture technically celebrates but

10:44

it's something I'd really like to

10:46

experience am I still allowed to

10:48

go and party with everyone? It's

10:52

awesome that your college is

10:54

providing different like experiences in

10:56

a very inclusive manner I

10:59

love that and the

11:01

short answer is yes you absolutely

11:03

can this was not a

11:06

private event it is open to everyone on

11:08

campus and it's

11:10

really great to like meet

11:12

new people and strengthen

11:15

camaraderie and you know have great

11:17

experiences with your class college all

11:19

the kind of stuff when

11:21

you are participating in events like

11:24

this you want to make

11:26

sure that you are appreciating and not

11:28

appropriating right so don't

11:31

wear clothes associated with

11:33

that cultures event unless

11:35

someone has given you explicit permission

11:38

to right. Like if you

11:40

walk in and they hand you so no matter what

11:42

event they hand you some kind of head

11:44

wear or a garland

11:47

or something right

11:49

then you would be rude not to.

11:52

You can for Lunar New Year wear

11:54

something red which is considered lucky but

11:57

no traditional clothing unless someone has given you

11:59

a has given you

12:01

some. Also try

12:03

not to center yourself in the

12:06

activity. I mean mentally

12:08

always be centered. Always be centered. Center

12:10

yourself before you go in deep breath

12:12

is great. Don't center yourself physically. Exactly

12:14

right. You could participate in

12:17

common events but if there are

12:19

like speeches right probably not.

12:22

Yeah. They probably don't care for you.

12:24

It would be wild if like when the

12:26

maid of honor finished and you're like you

12:28

know what my turn. Exactly. Exactly. And

12:31

that doesn't mean to be anti-social.

12:34

Sometimes there are events like karaoke

12:36

or like communal dancing

12:38

or things like that right that you can

12:41

be invited to join. Hot dog eating contest.

12:44

I'm not saying that. I feel like you don't

12:46

need to prepare. That's like a sign up deal.

12:49

No. Most of it's mental. Most

12:51

of the used always need to be

12:54

ready for a hot dog eating contest. Try

12:56

not to be anti-social because that would be

12:59

kind of awkward for everyone right. Along those

13:01

same lines I would say that finding a

13:03

balance between not setting yourself but also as

13:06

you said not just like standing off of

13:08

the sidelines gawking and watching right. You don't

13:10

want it to feel like you're like look

13:12

at this show I'm watching right. That you're

13:15

there to participate. You're there to be present

13:17

in the event. Not just there like taking

13:19

pictures and like filming a thing or whatever

13:22

right. That you're I'm not sure a photographer

13:24

or videographer but you're not just

13:26

there like I came to watch it and I

13:28

came to like I don't know

13:30

drink in this different cold like you want it

13:32

to be like I'm here and I appreciate this

13:34

and I'm participating. It's not about me and this

13:37

isn't just here for my benefit. This is

13:39

probably not the case at a

13:42

college campus event but for different

13:44

festivals and things spend money you

13:46

know support the people who have

13:48

come out to the event to

13:50

sell their wares or maybe they

13:53

have different like food stuffs that you

13:55

can buy or even if there's like

13:58

food trucks people selling their homemade goods,

14:00

things like that. Spend your

14:02

money. That's a great way to support

14:04

different aspects of your community. I

14:06

also just like buying food wherever I go. If people

14:08

are selling like food, oh. You love that. I

14:11

love it. Jams and jellies and... Oh my God, are

14:13

you kidding me? Mustards and... Ah. You

14:16

love that stuff. Tea? We can make tea? Yeah.

14:19

Oh. Also, don't be afraid

14:21

to learn and ask questions. Obviously,

14:24

it's not people's job to

14:27

educate you. Yeah, that's what I

14:29

was going to say. If you want to say

14:31

like, hey, what's going on? What's this? Right. How

14:34

do I participate in this? Not like, tell

14:36

me the history of this entire thing. Yeah,

14:39

exactly. The what's this is great, right? Because

14:41

like I said, to go back to like,

14:43

somebody set up a stall selling things, right?

14:45

And it's like, oh, this is beautiful. What

14:47

is this? Or like, oh, this looks delicious.

14:49

What is it? That is great.

14:51

The idea of like, hey, you

14:53

seem old and therefore wise. Tell me

14:55

everything about your culture. And they're like,

14:58

I'm 42. Go away. So

15:02

have a great time. Happy Lunar New

15:04

Year. We're going to be right

15:06

back with some more of your questions. But first, how

15:09

about a word from another MaxFun show? Hi, this is Lori Kilmartin. And I'm Jackie Cash.

15:11

And we have a podcast called The

15:22

Jackie Cash Show. And I'm

15:24

Lori Kilmartin. And I'm Jackie Cash. And

15:27

we have a podcast called The Jackie and

15:29

Lori Show on MaxFun. And it's very exciting

15:31

because what do we talk about? Comedy. Stand-up

15:33

comedy. We both do stand-up comedy and have

15:35

since the dawn of time. Well, Jackie. Is

15:37

that offensive? It is offensive to me because

15:40

you've aged me. We started in the late

15:42

80s and we're still here.

15:46

You can't kill us. So go

15:49

to The Jackie and Lori Show on MaxFun

15:51

and listen to that. The

15:54

Jackie and Lori Show. New episodes Monday.

15:56

Only on maximumfun.org. The

16:07

following are real reenactments

16:09

of pretend emergency calls. There

16:29

are plenty of podcasts on the hunt for

16:31

justice, but only one podcast

16:33

has the courage to take on the

16:36

silly crimes. Judge John

16:38

Hodgman, the only true crime podcast that won't

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leave you feeling sad and bad and scared

16:42

for once. Only

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on maximumfun.org.

16:48

Okay, next question.

16:51

New Year's resolutions are fine

16:53

and all, but my mom gets

16:56

really into the losing weight aspect

16:58

of things every year. As

17:01

someone who is trying to be more

17:03

body positive, this talk gets me really

17:05

uncomfortable. Is there a way I

17:07

can politely ask her to back off the

17:09

body talk? This

17:11

is a great

17:14

way to explain boundary setting.

17:16

I think. Yeah.

17:18

Yes. First of

17:20

all, before you set a boundary, I

17:22

want you to think about some

17:25

empathy, right? Not only empathy for

17:28

yourself, because you deserve to

17:30

feel good in your body, right? Remember

17:33

that you are beautiful just the way you are.

17:36

And good in your brain. And good in your brain. If

17:38

there's a thing going on, you're like, oh man, this

17:41

is really bothers me to hear this person

17:43

talk about this over and over again. That's

17:46

not just a burden you need to bear as part

17:48

of the relationship with that person. Exactly. But

17:51

let's also have some empathy for the

17:53

other party in this, your mom, in

17:55

this situation. Diet

18:00

culture is pervasive and I

18:02

mean it really hurts people.

18:06

Especially with a generational difference, if you're talking about

18:08

your mom and you, you growing

18:10

up in a different generation

18:12

have experienced a different

18:14

generation's perspective on diet culture and body

18:16

positivity and that kind of thing, right?

18:18

And so a lot of that, even

18:21

when you're old, like even

18:23

like, so I'm 40, right? Which

18:25

isn't the oldest God now, thank

18:27

you. Back off everybody. But still,

18:29

right, there are

18:31

things now that I'm like, oh

18:33

no, that makes sense. It's

18:36

just harder to internalize it, takes me

18:38

longer to internalize it because I'm undoing

18:40

a lot of stuff the way I

18:42

looked at it when I was like

18:44

15, you know that kind of thing. Exactly,

18:46

so let's have compassion and empathy like

18:48

all the way around. Second,

18:52

boundaries are, they work best when they

18:54

are direct. So

18:56

instead of saying something like, I don't

18:59

like when you talk about diets, right?

19:01

That's very general, that doesn't have any

19:03

kind of action to it. You

19:07

can say, weight loss talk makes

19:09

me uncomfortable and if it comes up,

19:12

I am going to leave the conversation or

19:14

change the subject. Because this is the way

19:16

that a boundary works. You cannot control the

19:19

other person, right? You can tell

19:21

the other person what you are going to do

19:24

if you become

19:26

uncomfortable, that's the boundary.

19:28

Yeah, I also think just in

19:30

general when it comes to resolutions and

19:33

I think that weight loss is one

19:35

of these but I think there's others as well. That

19:38

there are times where it's like, well that's not a

19:41

productive way to look at that, right?

19:43

Where instead of saying like,

19:45

oh, I wanna lose weight, you

19:47

could say like, you know, I wanna be more mindful of the

19:49

food that I eat. Or I wanna be more

19:52

consistent with my workout. Or like,

19:54

yeah, I've noticed I'm a lot more

19:56

sedentary in 2023 and

19:58

I watch TV. more than I walked

20:00

around and did stuff or whatever, and I want

20:02

to try to do that. That

20:05

feels to me a lot more like you're

20:07

rewarding yourself and saying, I'm gonna take care

20:09

of myself and less of a punishment that

20:11

you're giving yourself and

20:14

saying, I'm gonna punish you and take this stuff away

20:16

because whatever. And

20:18

I think that one of the

20:20

things that we try to work on

20:22

with BB&Dot is setting examples and modeling

20:24

the behavior. And so if

20:27

this is something that your mom keeps

20:29

talking about saying, yeah, I've always found

20:31

that looking at it that way

20:33

for me has always made it kind

20:35

of self-defeating because I just end up

20:37

always judging myself. So instead I try

20:39

to set quantifiable, productive goals. I

20:42

set a goal this year, I want to try to walk five

20:44

miles a week, right? Yeah, I can keep

20:46

track of that, I can do that, I can do

20:48

it. And then

20:50

it's less beating myself up

20:53

or a vague exercise more.

20:55

For me, I need the quantifiable thing.

20:57

I think that's a great conversation if you're willing to have

20:59

it. But if you're not willing to have it, I

21:02

think setting the boundary of, if you talk

21:04

about this, I'm gonna change the subject or

21:06

leave. Why not both? Sure, because

21:10

it is about changing the

21:13

behavior instead of attacking your

21:16

mother's character, right? You always do this, I hate

21:18

it when you do this kind of thing. Instead,

21:21

you talk about how this affects

21:23

me and this is what I will do when

21:25

I feel affected by this. It's

21:28

not so possible once again in the

21:30

modeling and changing the way the

21:32

conversation works, say like, if you

21:35

want to talk about exercise or

21:37

whatever, why don't we

21:39

focus on positives? And you tell me

21:41

about if you hit a personal best

21:43

in weightlifting or about how you feel

21:45

stronger or you're able to run farther

21:47

without getting exhausted. These things

21:49

that feel like victories and

21:52

not just you judging yourself because I love

21:54

you and it's hard for me to listen

21:56

to you judge yourself, that kind of thing. Sure,

21:58

again, if you're willing to have this. conversations. That

22:00

sounds great. Another thing

22:02

that you can do for

22:04

yourself, question asker, is to

22:06

continue seeking out body positive

22:09

resources. Maybe a therapist

22:11

or a counselor or different literature

22:13

that you can find. There's actually

22:15

some really great stuff online about

22:18

how being like even body

22:20

neutral is something that might

22:23

really help offset kind of

22:25

these uncomfortable feelings. So continue

22:27

your own journey in body

22:29

positivity. I would encourage to whenever

22:32

it's anything about a

22:35

mental health journey or changing the

22:37

way you think about things, to

22:40

try to limit the

22:43

experts that you seek out to being

22:45

actual experts. Be careful you're not getting

22:48

stuff from just like a TikTok influencer

22:50

or just like someone

22:52

on whatever on Instagram, right? That

22:54

these are people who are qualified

22:56

to like talk about these things

22:58

and get different ways to look

23:00

at it. That's a great way to

23:03

learn and get advice from other people, right?

23:06

Not do it from a TikToker or a

23:08

influencer. Hey listen, I'm

23:10

not an expert. I've probably done that

23:13

for years. Don't take my advice. I

23:16

don't know what I'm doing. Remember that you are

23:18

perfect just the way you are and so is

23:21

your mom. Now if you want to get

23:23

six inches taller, I have an

23:25

idea. You're not going to like it. Next

23:27

question please. Okay, next question. We

23:29

got married this year, not us with the

23:32

question. We got it. Okay, you get it.

23:34

We got married this year. Yay. But we

23:36

still haven't sent our thank you notes boo.

23:38

Can we still? And are we tasteless people

23:40

if we don't send thank you notes to everyone

23:42

who bought us something? Hey

23:45

man, this is a

23:47

universal experience. It

23:49

is difficult but necessary

23:51

to send out thank you notes.

23:55

Here is your. I

23:57

like how you said this is universal, but like you get

23:59

it. very you were very proud to

24:01

you very good idea i didn't want to do it

24:03

i know i for me

24:05

it was quite a little bit but

24:07

it is difficult i'm not saying that it comes

24:10

easily to me and i always end up thank

24:12

you know i didn't get out thank you notes

24:14

for my birthday this year now

24:17

but all the gift you'll give your crap that has nothing

24:19

to do with the thank

24:21

you know anyway anyway you

24:24

should then thank you to

24:27

everyone who attended your wedding regardless of

24:29

if they gave you something or not

24:33

and experts agree

24:36

that even a super late thank you

24:38

know is better than no thank you

24:41

people say you have three

24:44

months a year somewhere

24:47

in there to send out your thank you

24:49

notes depending upon where you look at

24:51

it but like where you look but late

24:54

is better than nothing are you

24:56

are there now like did

24:58

you don't think you know it's like a little later are

25:01

absolutely there are there are online

25:03

form letters you can send uh...

25:05

email thank you notes you can

25:08

send uh... i think

25:10

that places like eve i'd or maybe even

25:12

though a i should i should look yet

25:15

they have it uh... can send out a

25:17

thank you note to everybody who you send an

25:19

invitation to there you go uh...

25:21

and it doesn't have to be hand-written

25:25

like and completely original every

25:27

single time three sentences will

25:29

do uh... if you have a

25:31

lesson to our i think

25:33

we have to now two episodes and

25:35

thank you notes uh... you

25:38

really only need three sentences the

25:41

first one is opening it was so nice

25:44

to share our special day with you second

25:46

one is how the specific thing thank

25:49

you for even if they didn't buy

25:51

it and then they thank

25:53

you for attending and and that at

25:56

war thank you for the crock pot or

25:58

whatever right and then The third line is

26:01

the closing, I hope to share

26:03

many more milestones with you in the future. Or I

26:05

look forward to seeing you again. Look forward to seeing

26:08

you soon, seeing you again. Any of

26:10

that stuff, that's the only three sentences

26:12

you need and they don't have to

26:14

be, that were original. They don't have to

26:16

be individualized. I

26:19

wrote out my thank you notes by

26:21

hand when we had our wedding. So I didn't wanna

26:23

write the same sentences over and over again. I mixed

26:25

it up a little bit, right? I had two or

26:27

three different kind of formulas that I went with. If

26:30

I was at your wedding, I don't think I was, but if

26:32

I was, I went, you don't have to send me. I

26:35

think, you know, I've already stopped thinking

26:37

about it and it's

26:39

okay. There are people who will

26:41

expect a thank you note. And if

26:43

you know who those people are, your

26:45

great aunts and uncles, grandparents,

26:48

things like that, I would start with them first.

26:50

Also, I would start with anyone

26:53

who sent a gift but

26:55

could not attend because if they didn't

26:57

see the gift or if they didn't

26:59

hear from you that you got it,

27:01

that's important. They need to know that

27:04

you received it. I

27:06

would also start with

27:08

people who made a big contribution to

27:10

your day. Maybe someone,

27:13

you know, maybe

27:16

they were not your wedding

27:18

planner, but they were very helpful in

27:20

organizing, like on site or- Or

27:23

like they went and picked up your grandmother from

27:26

the airport for you. Yeah, or they traveled a long

27:28

way to get there, right? Maybe somebody came

27:30

from Europe or something, right? And

27:33

so like, there are lots

27:35

of places that you can go to get

27:37

help with thank you notes and

27:39

please do get the help digitally. I wish

27:42

I had done that. That

27:44

it is what it is, but nobody

27:47

ever feels angry about

27:49

receiving a thank you note. I'm

27:52

doing dry January, but I sincerely don't mind

27:54

if my friends are drinking. I just won't

27:56

be. What's the best way that I can

27:58

bring this up? Well,

28:01

when they come around with me, you

28:03

say, none for me, thank you, I

28:05

am doing a drag. No,

28:07

I'm doing drag, January, because, you know, take

28:10

a break after the holiday, get my, based

28:12

on my birthday, Thanksgiving, to think, there's just

28:14

a lot of celebrating in there. Take

28:16

it to the time off. And I, my

28:19

gut says that,

28:21

as with most things, when

28:24

it's just like, I won't be participated, but I don't want people

28:26

to feel weird. In

28:28

the protesting too much, is where the weirdness come

28:31

from. Like if, you know, you go out to

28:33

dinner and the server's like, anything you drink or

28:35

anything? And you're just like, oh no, thank you.

28:38

And your friend's like, what? And you're like, ah, I'm just taking a month off. Okay,

28:41

but if you're like, listen guys, when we're

28:43

out tonight, I want you to know, it's

28:45

okay if you, I won't be, because

28:48

I just feel like being too serious, making too

28:50

big a deal out of it, is

28:53

gonna send a signal of like, oh, I actually

28:55

think this is a very big deal for them.

28:57

And like, I need to be, you know what

29:00

I mean? And you could even say what you

29:02

said here in the question, of like, oh, you

29:04

guys do that, I'm just taking it out. But

29:06

it's the nonchalance, right? Is that I think is

29:08

the difference between the like, and I'm serious guys,

29:10

I'm serious. If you wanna have a

29:13

beer, Derek, that's okay. And like, why are you

29:15

saying that to me? Why are you looking at

29:17

me specifically? Right, I think that makes it weird.

29:19

I think that it really

29:21

depends on your circle of friends, who

29:24

you're with at the time. If you think

29:26

that someone is gonna give you the

29:29

kind of like, an interrogation about

29:31

why you're not drinking, you

29:33

don't owe them that. And

29:36

so like- And so like, as time goes on, dry

29:38

January's entered more and more carmen

29:41

parlance. So I think if you're just like, yeah,

29:43

I'm doing dry January, taking a month off. Okay,

29:45

like that makes complete sense, right? Like if

29:48

you were like, I gave something out for

29:50

Lent, and they're like, what, what's that? Why?

29:53

Yeah, like I think like if you're

29:55

like, yeah, I'm just taking a month off for dry

29:57

January. Okay. But I think

29:59

that if you want to look- like be

30:01

really like, you know, just easy

30:04

going about it. Even if you want

30:06

to like send out a text and be like, anybody want

30:08

to do dry January with me? No? Okay,

30:10

that's cool. Yeah. But I

30:12

think doing a big, like, I'm just letting everyone know, if

30:15

you see me out at a party, I'm going to be

30:17

doing dry January. So like, just live

30:20

your own life in your own way. Let other

30:22

people live their lives in their own way and

30:24

bump gently against them in the dance or friendship.

30:27

But how are you going to get your favorite LaCroix at

30:30

your next party if you don't tell people

30:32

that you're not drinking? Well, you bring

30:34

your own. You shouldn't assume there's going to

30:36

be drinks for you to party anyways. Doesn't

30:38

matter if you're drinking or not. You should never

30:41

just assume that you don't have to be YOB.

30:44

I'm not going to provide YOB. I

30:47

provide water. You might have

30:49

them there. Yeah. You have a sink, babe.

30:51

Yeah. Always. I always have a sink.

30:54

You can drink out of the hose. Okay. One last

30:56

question here. In 2024, I'm getting top surgery. While

31:00

I'm really excited, I have a

31:02

question. What's the etiquette for men

31:04

taking off their shirts, rip it

31:07

down the center? I've always, sorry,

31:09

I've always been told to be covered my whole life.

31:12

I actually think that in this

31:14

circumstance, because it's been so prolonged, you got

31:16

a lot built up, you can rip your

31:18

first five shirts down the center. That's

31:20

allowed. I've always been told to

31:23

be covered my whole life. So without boobs,

31:25

I'm not sure what the protocol is now.

31:27

Any insights are appreciated. Well, you've come to the

31:30

right place because I've been taking my shirt off

31:32

for years. There's many times in my life

31:34

I've had my shirt off. Okay.

31:37

So I think

31:39

that a good rule is that

31:41

if you're near a body of water

31:43

during the summer, you're good. Take

31:46

your shirt off. That's great. If

31:48

you're swimming or laying in the sun or on a

31:50

boat, you're good to go. Other

31:52

times, if you are working out

31:55

outside sometimes. Yeah, I was going to say,

31:57

not at a gym. There's usually rules against that. Yes. If

32:00

there is, that's a good point. If

32:02

there is a rule in your location

32:04

against being shirtless, can't be shirtless there.

32:08

That's the rule. Here's the beauty of it though.

32:10

Here's the beauty of it because gosh knows, societally,

32:13

we're far too restrictive

32:17

when it comes to people's bodies, especially

32:20

bodies that would traditionally be considered

32:22

female. And you

32:25

are about to switch from not being

32:28

allowed to take off your shirt in many places

32:30

or being judged for doing it to

32:32

now being able to not

32:35

do it if you don't want to. Because

32:37

this is the other thing of now

32:39

you get to make the choice, which

32:43

all people should have, of deciding

32:45

like, you know what, I really want to right now.

32:48

Like when we go to the beach, I wear a sun shirt because

32:51

I don't want to get sunburned. I ain't trying

32:53

to get sunburned out here and damage my beautiful

32:55

skin. I need it. It's the only

32:57

one I've got. They haven't figured out

32:59

a way to give me new skin yet, right?

33:01

So you don't have to, right? The

33:04

key is I generally

33:06

think about like the vibe

33:08

more than anything. Like if

33:11

you're sitting there, it's a hot summer

33:13

day, you're hanging out with friends,

33:15

you got the windows open, there's a grill on the

33:17

balcony, everyone's chilling drinking beer, and you're hot and you

33:19

want to take your shirt off, excellent. You're

33:22

at the company Christmas party and you're like, oh,

33:25

a little warm in here. No, not then. That's not

33:27

a good time for it. And I know you haven't

33:29

had a lot of practice with this. So

33:32

in the beginning, you're going to want to skew a

33:34

little bit towards conservative with the vibe. But

33:36

over time, you're going to get a good read for like,

33:39

you know what, no one's taking their shirt off yet because

33:41

they're all waiting for the first day to take their shirt

33:43

off. And I'm going to be that pioneer and everyone will

33:45

cheer for you. They won't cheer

33:47

for you. But. Probably not. And

33:50

a slip inside. You can do that. That's a body of water. I

33:52

think that counts. Yep, that counts as water. Anytime

33:55

you're on your own property, right,

33:57

if you're doing yard work or lounge. in

34:00

the backyard, walking around your house,

34:02

absolutely. You can, you go ahead

34:04

and take your shirt off for sure. In

34:08

general, like you said, most

34:11

buildings do have the

34:13

expectation that you will continue to wear

34:15

your shirt. However, if you

34:18

are at like a sport arena or

34:20

a concert venue, especially

34:22

if it is outside and warm,

34:25

there will be other people perhaps at

34:27

a festival, whatever, with their shirts off,

34:29

you have to feel free to join

34:31

in there. But

34:35

if you are, for example, if

34:37

it is a maybe a bowl

34:40

game or whatever for the footballs,

34:44

and the only

34:46

people who have their shirts off have body

34:48

paint on their chest,

34:50

probably not. That is

34:53

not really like, they

34:55

are probably cold. And if the music

34:57

festival is like a pop symphony, maybe

34:59

not then. Yeah, maybe not then. Yeah,

35:01

listen, you will get it. It is

35:04

going to take you a while. Basically,

35:06

the difference is, when

35:09

you are a child and you are allowed to take

35:11

your shirt off, then it

35:13

is about raining it back. My parents saying

35:15

to me, now this is the time when

35:18

you do need to put a shirt on.

35:20

And I am like, why? It is just

35:22

church. And so this is now,

35:24

you are just coming out from the opposite direction.

35:26

You are going to ease into like, you know

35:28

what, I am going to be comfortable taking my

35:30

shirt off here. Okay, great, this

35:32

feels like the right time to do it. You

35:34

are just coming at it from a different direction,

35:37

as opposed to being like a four-year-old who was

35:39

allowed to run around shirtless all the time, and

35:41

then slowly adding a shirt to the equation.

35:43

You are now slowly removing a shirt

35:45

from the equation. But I hope

35:47

that we gave you some, a few concrete answers. I

35:49

hope so too. All right, everybody, you know what,

35:52

that is going to do it for us. Go

35:54

to Mac shirt

36:00

of me and my brothers lovingly staring

36:02

at the moon like three wolves it's

36:05

a really great shirt happy

36:08

20 fungal or to everybody want to say thank

36:10

you to our editor Rachel without whom we couldn't

36:12

make this show thank you to our researcher Alex

36:14

without whom we couldn't make this show and thank

36:16

you to you for listening we

36:18

I mean maybe we can make the show without you even

36:20

our tribe and frankly I don't want to I'd be scared

36:23

I don't want to without you holding us up you're

36:25

our rock you're okay thank

36:29

you Teresa for being my co-host thanks Javon

36:31

I love you very much and being my

36:33

wife I guess let's see what else

36:36

we always thank Brent brunch of floss black

36:38

for writing our theme music which is available

36:40

as a ringtone where those are found also

36:42

thank you to brew hub Eddie pinup photography

36:45

for the cover picture of our fan run

36:47

Facebook group shmanners fanners if you love to

36:49

give and get excellent advice from other fans

36:51

go ahead and join that group today now

36:53

also these were submitted by listeners to

36:56

our gmail which is

36:58

shmanners [email protected] you can

37:01

send us questions anytime

37:03

topics anytime idioms anytime

37:05

but make sure that you say hi to Alex a

37:08

le xx because she reads

37:10

everyone and that's going to do it for us

37:12

so join us again next week no RCP required

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