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Music.

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You ready? Yeah. Ready. Three, two, one.

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Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads.

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I'm T-Rex, and I'm here with Dirty Skittles and our guest, Justin.

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Welcome, Justin. How are you? I am excellent. How are you? We are fantastic.

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It looks so sunny where you are. Well, you know, I'm in the Phoenix area,

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so this is desert land. Definitely a lot of sun going on out here year-round. So, yeah.

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Yeah. All I know of Phoenix is it's hot. There's lots of dirt, right?

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Lots of dirt. Yes. Lots of dirt out here in the desert. Yeah. I've been out here now.

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This would be year six for me out here. Prior to that, I was in San Diego,

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but originally from the Metro Detroit area.

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So my family and I, we left Metro Detroit in 2012 for sunny,

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expensive ass California and left California in 2018.

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And here we are in the desert. Now this probably won't be be the

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last stop it's home for now do you have like a

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place you want to live like oh i

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gotta make it to this city you know once once i make my millions i'll probably

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go back to california probably san diego i love san diego it's just so expensive

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you know we got up out of there because my my wife got a new job you know it

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just was a no-brainer it made sense you know for us to make the move here but

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i'd love to go back to california one day i would also love to

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ultimate goal ultimate dream is to leave the country and maybe

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go live on the coast of portugal or something like that i don't know right right

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we'll see i call it my lottery dreams my lottery dreams is that i will like

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move to italy and have like a vineyard i don't know shit about making wine but

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like okay let's fucking right just do it like got money do what you want right right.

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Yeah san diego is nice we did a trip to california many years ago and we were

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actually in san San Francisco and we drew, we drove from San Francisco to San

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Diego and stopped at wineries along the way.

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But I just remember being in San Diego and like looking around,

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we were like by the La Jolla beach or something.

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And I remember standing there and looking at my husband and saying like, I get it.

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I get why people like California now. It was beautiful. It's so expensive.

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So expensive. So, so. Yeah, it's crazy. Just crazy. Wild. Wildly inappropriate is what I call it.

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That's sunshine tax. One sign. I think they pay that same tax in Florida. So, you know, it's all good. Yeah.

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Yeah, but Florida is not as beautiful as it. No, it is not.

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Not the water's a little warmer yeah it

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is it is yeah the pacific ocean

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is cold it's like it's no matter what

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time of year it is just damn cold you get that water you're

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like nope that's like getting into lake michigan or lake

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ontario you know people up here they get

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in that water and it's like 50 and they're like frolicking around

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i'm like nope i'm gonna go sit over here in my

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lawn chair and i'm gonna watch do whatever you want to do yeah

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you want to get that gross water have at it

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it's probably lead in there oh my

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god it got real serious radiation

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something some radioactive fish

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is gonna come out and bite me you know and like because you

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can't even see the bottom right you like put your foot in you're like i don't

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know what's down there this is why i don't

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like i don't like deep dark water if i can't see the bottom

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or touch the bottom i'm out count me out not doing it

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yeah the ocean is a freaky thing and

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it's it's so much of the ocean that that hasn't been explored it's

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like the the new outer space or something i don't

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know but who knows what lurks at the bottom you know i know speaking of scary

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things i'm like no i'm just kidding i was like trying to find a transition like

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how do you transition from there you know but what who are you tell our listeners

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who you are what does your days look like who are you today.

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Who am I today? So I'm this young man. Well, I'm quite young anymore.

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But so as you know, I live out here in the Phoenix area. I've been out here for about six years now.

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And I too host a podcast called the Hidden Gateway Podcast that I've been doing since December of 2023.

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2020, I'm sorry, December of 2020. And I do a lot of different things, right?

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I'm an author of a published book. That's my memoir right up there.

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I'm about to publish another book next month. It's an edited book where I have

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about nine different authors from around the world that contributed a chapter.

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And we talk about, the book is about just different crazy things that go on

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in the world, little paranormal type stuff. So I love to write, you know, that's dear to my heart.

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I have a nonprofit as well called Tangelic.

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You know, I've done a lot of work here in the Phoenix area with the homeless community.

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And now I have an initiative where I've taken things globally.

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And, you know, I'm going to be heading to Africa in May, to Ghana specifically,

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and maybe the Ivory Coast as well, where I partnered with a couple of organizations over there.

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And we're going to do some renewable energy projects, you know,

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bringing solar to homes and different villages and schools as well as medical centers.

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You know, I've been on this spiritual journey. I like to tell people my entire

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life, but in 2020, it made a strong pivot. it.

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And I've been through a lot, especially when I was younger, right?

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I've healed, thank God, from a lot of trauma that I experienced as a young child

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that really had me in a prison of sorts, in a prison where I couldn't be myself, my true self.

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It prevented me from doing a lot of things that I do now, which is my purpose,

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right? I found my purpose. I stepped into my purpose over the last few years here.

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So I've been on this amazing journey in life, and I've been so fortunate, and so blessed.

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I have tons of gratitude in my heart for the things that I do with myself and

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my life now and with my family.

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And yeah, it's been really cool. And, you know, and I'm in a position to talk

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to cool people like you both. So life is good.

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Nice. He called us cool people. I mean, write it on the book,

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print it out, frame it so I can show my son one day.

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So what was like the triggering event for you, like later on in life to kind

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of, or maybe it wasn't later on in life, but what opened you up to be so giving to others?

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Yeah, that's a great question. Well, you know, I guess I'll start here.

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I'll say that I was raised in the church.

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Right. So I was one of these kids that went to church three,

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four or five times a week. Right. My mom is to this day a licensed evangelist. We were raised Pentecostal,

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Church of God in Christ. So that's very conservative, right?

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You know, women aren't even allowed to be pastors in that denomination and just

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like straight Bible thumpers. But within that experience, being raised in a church and going to church several

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days a week, you know, I was taught love, you know, by the church and also my family, right?

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So, for example, my mom, she's 83 years old this year in July,

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but throughout her career, She always fought for human rights,

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right, and social impact type work, right?

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She worked for the Red Cross for many years.

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She worked in HR specifically for the Oakland County in Michigan and just bringing

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justice to people, those type of efforts for people, I should say.

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So I was raised to respect and love people regardless of anybody's situation.

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Anybody's regardless of their color of skin, just all types of things.

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I like to say my parents, my mom raised me the right way and my dad too. Right.

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The situation with my dad is a little different, but I was always taught to

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have integrity and to do the right thing.

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Now, I remember when I was in my early 20s, I took a trip to California from

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Michigan to visit my brother. Now, my brother had substance abuse issues for many years, and he was homeless

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in California, in Skid Row, as a matter of fact, for about six years.

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And so I went to visit him after he went through his recovery and got on his feet.

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And he said, Justin, I'm going to show you where I used to live. And he took me down to Skid Row, and I could not believe it.

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It blew my mind to see that people live the way those people were living.

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Right. And I was just naive to the fact I'm like a 22, 21, 22 year old kid.

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And he's showing me that people on the streets and living in cardboard boxes, self-made tents.

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And I was like, damn, bro, you used to live like that.

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Yeah, man, this was my life for many years. So that always stuck with me.

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So then when I returned to Michigan, maybe about six to eight months later,

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I started doing community work. Where I hooked up with some orgs and just did volunteer work for homeless organizations, right?

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But that love, that foundation was built from my years growing up in the church,

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because I did some stuff in the church for communities as well.

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So fast forward to San Diego, I did the same thing.

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And then again, 2020 hit. And I said, unfortunately, there was some death around

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me in the family from COVID.

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And that was like a reflection for me to say, wow, I've been caught up in this

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quote unquote rat race all these years.

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And it really made me stopped to think about what was most important in life, you know?

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And I said, no, working this, working these jobs, trying to elevate myself in

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the corporate world was not making me happy because I wasn't happy.

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And it just, you know, may sound cliche. It wasn't fulfilling.

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So I decided to do something different. And then that was my first time I had

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a vision of start Tangelic, my nonprofit. And it took me about a year and a half to really get things going,

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to get it off the ground. And I did.

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And, you know, now I'm doing things to help people in need on a regular basis,

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you know, and I don't, you know, I don't want to sound cliche, but it's my purpose.

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You know, that's just like what I've come here to do. You know,

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I really, I know that I'm a spirit having a human experience,

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you know, and I think we all are. We come here for a purpose of a mission and thank God I was able to finally

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find mine. But the first step in that was going through the healing process

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from the traumatic experiences that I had in my youth.

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That's literally what I was about to ask was, at what point do you think,

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and I don't know if you can even nail it down, but at what point do you think you found your purpose?

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Wow. So in 2020, I began, it was, so I went through a series of things.

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So I'm sitting at home for a little from the job. And a good friend of mine who I've known for like two and plus years,

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he started telling me about meditation, right?

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And I've always, I've heard about it, but never tried meditation. And he told me to try a specific meditation, which is called the gateway experience.

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I'm not sure if either one of you are familiar, but this is a meditation that

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was developed by a man, developed by a man by the name of Robert Monroe in the sixties.

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And then this meditation uses neural beats, which is hemisync,

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which, and what that is, is you listen to it with headphones or earbuds,

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AirPods. AirPods, you have one music tone, sound tone going into your left ear,

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another one into your right ear. And then when they enter your brain, if you will, they create another sound

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wave. And what that does, that syncs the brain.

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They put left and right hemisphere of the brain, I should say.

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And this puts you in this deep, really deep, relaxed mode, which then causes

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you to have some pretty wild experiences. And I'm talking like out-of-body experiences.

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And so I start having these out-of-body experiences and going to the astral

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realm, if you will, and seeing all these different things.

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And it was crazy. But during that time, I was still going through this healing

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process and I felt the need to go skydiving.

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Now, if you would have asked me a year, any time before then,

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would I go up 20,000 feet in the plane and jump?

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Hell no, I'm not jumping out of a plane. That's not what I do.

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You know, that's not what I do. I stay on the ground. So I laid in California. I barely even got in the ocean. Like I play it safe, right?

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I weigh the risk and reward. You're right, right. And play was not where it was at for me.

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So I had that urging, that calling, and I finally did it.

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And after I did it, I realized why I had that urging and calling to do it.

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Because of the trauma I experienced in my life, I have built up so much fear

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that I had to learn how to deal with fear.

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So that experience, especially leading up to that jump, taught me how to deal

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with fear in regards to controlling it and not allowing it to control me.

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And so that was within itself a spiritual experience for me.

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And so that helped me learn how to deal with type of different type of fears that I had.

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And then, you know, fast forwarding to that was like right around August of 2020.

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And fast forward to December 20, I felt this calling again to start a podcast.

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And of course, here I am. I was controlled by my father and my youth because

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he was an alcoholic and he physically and psychologically abused me.

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And, you know, made me think that I wasn't shit and less than.

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And his mantra was a child was to be seen and not heard. And,

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you know, he's this controlling man. And I never learned how to critically think for myself or set boundaries.

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And I grew up this introverted kid who was just scared of stuff all the time.

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Right. And so I'm like, no, I'm not doing a podcast. I don't talk to people

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like that. No, I keep to myself. I'm chill. I'm quiet.

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And I just felt an urge and I had to answer that call and I did it.

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And therefore, doing this podcast over the last few years now has been another

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part of my healing process because I've learned so much about myself and what I'm capable of.

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But I had to first break down those barriers of fear to even begin doing that. Right.

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And then I just kept having these additional things like writing a book and

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ayahuasca experience and all these other cool things that have assisted my healing

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process over the last few years here. Wow.

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Ayahuasca. You and I should go do an ayahuasca experience. I don't know, man.

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Maybe. I probably have to do more research on it. I'm kind of a control freak

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with myself and my emotions.

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And if I don't feel in control, I freak out. I panic. Gotta let go.

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That's the beautiful thing. You gotta let go. And see, I get it because I was somewhat like that too.

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But once I realized that I had to let go, it was just this sense of liberation,

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this sense of freedom that I found for myself, which changed my world,

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my reality. It really did. Yeah. I mean, it makes sense because the most fun I've ever had and like genuine

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happiness and fun have been the moments that I'm not in control of.

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But it's getting that practice, I suppose, like knowing that I'm safe,

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even if I'm not in control. That's a hard one for me.

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Wait until you're 60, because then you just don't care. You're like, you know what?

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As long as I don't hurt myself, because, you know, once you hurt yourself,

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it takes eight months for it to heal. So, you know, those fears,

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you know, I faced them just by doing our podcast, right?

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Like I became even more vulnerable and more open than I was in the very beginning.

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And I think the same goes for you, Dari Skittles. Like, you know,

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over the last year, we've both grown tenfold.

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Yeah. Yeah. I went from like first talking and first you think nobody's going to listen.

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And then when people start listening, I was like, I can't share anything about myself because I don't.

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I like to pick and choose who I'm vulnerable with. But when you record a podcast,

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you have no idea who's listening. So then I had to get past that hurdle. And now I think like now,

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I'm just like, ah, fuck it. Like it's me. It's who I am.

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And I'm in somewhat of control of what I say.

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Unless I've been drinking. No, I'm just kidding. So that's, it's really like,

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I'm admiring the work that you do, right?

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Like, especially with the homeless. Like when we moved here to Atlanta,

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I remember seeing it more so than I think I ever did in Orlando, for example.

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And there are certain things that we do on our own too. Like,

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you know, we always... When we first lived in Atlanta, we would have like little

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grab bags of just all kinds of stuff. And anytime we're at like a

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stoplight, I mean, we would just open up the back and hand out these bags.

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And just because for me...

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Humans are humans. And if somebody needs help, why can't I, if I can afford

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to help, why wouldn't I? Right. So that's always been my philosophy, but I don't have the same upbringing as you.

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So I'm still very curious in how you became the man you are now, right?

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Like you've had a rough childhood, but you were able to get past that.

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I'm in, you don't have to answer this if this is too deep, but did it require forgiveness?

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Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And you can please feel free to ask

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me anything you want. I have literally an open book.

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I'll answer anything you want, but it definitely required forgiveness.

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You know, when I think about my father, you know, the earliest traumatic experiences

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that I remember was, well, let me say this.

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I had actually buried this experience in my subconscious mind.

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And it wasn't until he mentioned it to me that I saw a vision of this happening, like clear as day.

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And he mentioned it to me maybe like two years before he died. He died in 2007.

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But my father had got really sick and he knew he was dying. So he went on this

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forgiveness journey marathon. He called everybody up that he had done wrong in his life and said,

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I'm sorry, and asked for forgiveness, et cetera. And then when he spoke with me, he told me, I remember when you were two years

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old, I came in from work and I ran up to him.

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I ran up to him. He said, Justin, you ran up to me like, hey, daddy.

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And he picked me up and then just slammed me down on the ground.

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And that always, you know, that always, you know, he never forgot that.

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And then as soon as he told me that, I like, I saw it.

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I saw us in that house back in like freaking 1980 and I saw the hallway and

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I saw him picking me up and throwing it down, throwing me down.

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So I never forgot that, but it was buried in my subconscious mind.

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So as early as two years old is I remember the first traumatic experience.

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And then the next one after that, I remember when I was about four years old,

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where he worked afternoons, my mom worked mornings and my brother and I,

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my older brother and I, we would stay home by ourselves probably for about an

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hour and a half, two hours before for my mom got home from work and it was summertime

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and he told us, you know, don't go outside.

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We're not home, you know, but we look out the window. We saw our friends playing

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outside in front of the house. And so he leaves out.

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So as he left, we went outside right in front of the house in the,

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on the sidewalk playing with our friends. And then we looked down the block and we see his car coming and we were like,

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Oh shit. We went back in the house. He had saw us.

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So we went in the house and I tell you what, but he made us strip down to our

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trousers, our underwear. And back in the early 80s, you know, there were these belts that were like four

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inches thick with these big belt buckles. Fuck that, dude. Yeah.

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He made this strip down there naked. He just started with a belly.

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Again, I'm a former brother. He's like seven or whatever he was.

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He took the belly, wrapped it around my neck, and he just brought me to the

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house for like 10, maybe not 10 minutes, maybe like five minutes or something like that.

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I was just really messed up. Then I remember when I was in middle school,

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he told me to take a shower. I said, okay. Again, mid-afternoons, he said, you take a shower,

19:18

water the car, make sure you're you know you've completed that by the time i

19:21

get home i said cool we'll do so, i remember he pulled up about 11 o'clock at

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night and i was looking out the window and my heart just started racing this

19:31

is my probably one of my first experiences with anxiety and because i was like

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shit i know i didn't take a shower i'm outside playing all day it's summertime

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and first thing he does he comes in did you shower i said no sir i didn't so

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he grabs him by my my shirt drags me into the bathroom,

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grabs me by the back of my neck, pushes it into the sink, turns on the hot water,

19:50

starts running water through my hair and shampoo or whatnot.

19:54

And then he goes in the kitchen and takes this like oil treatment and boils

19:58

it on the stove and it's like the field five oil treatment.

20:02

I got to email Black people to use that. But I guess he did.

20:06

But then he like poured this boiling oil all over my head, my scalp.

20:10

And then, you know, and I couldn't cry during this, right?

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Because I'm allowed to cry in front of him. So then he lets me go.

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I drop to the ground, holding all that emotion in. I was like,

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I'll get dressed in the shower. And once I get in the shower, I just let loose. I'm crying. And many other things,

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right? I experienced all this trauma. But again, as I became a man, like.

20:28

In my 20s, he got sick, right? He had heart issues and all these things going

20:34

on. And so I had to take care of him. You know, I literally went to live with him probably for about a year and a

20:41

half. And he and I had some deep conversations and he knew he was dying.

20:45

And he told me, he said, Justin, you know, I was way too hard on your brother. I apologize.

20:50

You know, and I tell you what, when he said that, I think my heart just melted.

20:55

And I started crying. I said, thank you, dad. that thank you and we embraced

20:59

and that like was a game changer for me.

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So that allowed me to forgive him.

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You know, it really did. And my dad was an interesting character.

21:07

You know, he had these issues because he was an alcoholic and a lot of things

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and due to a lot of things he didn't heal from, because he had a lot of things

21:14

happen in his life that he just didn't deal with.

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And therefore, a lot of that energy came out on me and my dad.

21:21

I'm saying my mom and my brother. and on the

21:24

other hand he was just like the nicest coolest guy that you

21:27

would want to be you know like people loved him because they

21:30

didn't see that side of but he was very like a gentleman just really

21:33

cool very wise man too so it's like these two

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different personalities and for me i just never knew which one

21:39

i was going to get so he taught me a lot of great things you

21:43

know as far as being a man and respecting myself and respecting others

21:46

and knowing how to talk and knowing how to carry yourself and

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as odd as it may sound he showed me a lot of love because you always told me

21:53

he loved me you know the behavior may have not you know reflected that at times

21:57

but he did tell me that like i knew he loved me but i knew he had a lot of shit

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that he just dealt with but when he apologized to me when i was in my early

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to mid 20s before he passed like,

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that was it that was it for me yeah for sure man wow wow i the one question

22:17

i'm curious of And I ask it because of my childhood.

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So I'm curious, did you grow up like after, I don't even know when,

22:28

but growing up and you're getting older and you're realizing that maybe you're

22:32

falling in love with other people. Did you ever question if you knew what love was because of the mixed signals

22:38

or you knew he loved you, but the physical actions didn't necessarily represent verbally?

22:44

Did you have to learn what love was or do you think that.

22:48

You had fundamentals still somehow, like whether it be from church or your mom?

22:52

That's a good question. I love that question. Thank you so much for asking.

22:56

And that really makes me think because reflecting back on it,

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thinking back on it, I thought I knew what love was, but, you know,

23:04

and that's because I always thought my dad loved me because he told me he loved

23:07

me and he did do some really great things for me, but I truly didn't know how to love, right?

23:13

And, you know, I've been married this year, 17 years, you know,

23:17

May 1st. And it's been quite the journey with my wife and I, right?

23:20

Because, you know, I've changed a lot through our marriage, right?

23:24

Early on, she'll tell you, you know, I would, I have like reflections of my

23:28

father, you know, like I know I loved her and lived love with her,

23:32

but then I had this mean streak, right?

23:34

This yelling and maybe even talking down on it sometimes,

23:38

you know, but I wasn't, I guess I wasn't really aware of it,

23:43

you know, because that's the type of love I knew, you know, And then my mom,

23:47

God bless her, she's not really like an emotional type person, right?

23:52

Like, I know my mom loves me, but she's not like, oh, I love you, son.

23:55

So it's just not who she is, you know what I'm saying? Which is fine.

23:58

You know, we're all different. Like, I don't hold that against her.

24:01

So I kind of had to figure this love thing out, you know, on my own,

24:06

you know, because I really didn't have the example that I feel I needed to love others in my life.

24:14

You know, whether it be my siblings or let's just start with myself,

24:18

you know, I think that's where I started to leave my love myself and then my

24:20

siblings and my brothers and sisters and then maybe different people that I dated over the years.

24:24

And then, no, here we are with my wife of 17 years now.

24:28

So, you know, I had to really understand and come to learn what it really means

24:35

to love somebody, you know, and that involves forgiving people.

24:41

Okay. Now, which sometimes I had an issue with in the past, a lot of times I

24:46

had an issue with in the past because I would say, oh, I forgive you.

24:50

But I really hadn't forgave people. It was just like, you know,

24:55

I had to learn how to forgive people. You know, once you forgive somebody, you don't keep bringing the shit up every so often. Right.

25:02

That's something that I would do in the past, like, you know,

25:05

and thinking about it, like just letting go, you know, but I really had to navigate

25:10

that love thing over the years. And I thank God that I'm at a place now where I have a better understanding of what love is.

25:16

And not only has that affected the people around me, but I think most importantly,

25:22

it's affected myself because I had to learn how to love myself because I.

25:28

Of the way I was raised by my father with the degrading and you're not good enough.

25:32

And I never met that level of expectation to him.

25:36

It was like, I never learned how to love myself to say, Hey, Justin, it's okay.

25:41

You're doing a damn good job. You know, just cause I've had some experiences

25:46

in life. Like I dropped out of school. I didn't graduate from high school.

25:49

You know, I did wind up getting my GED when I was 18, the same year I was supposed

25:53

to graduate. And I became a father at a very young age at 19.

25:58

You know, and I dealt with a lot of things because of those things with family

26:03

members that I had family members tell me, oh, your life is over, man.

26:06

You dropped out of school. You had a kid at a young age. And like, I let that get to me.

26:10

And so I just felt bad about who I was as a person, you know,

26:13

and then I had some other things happen as well. You know, because I used to hang out with the wrong crowds in my early teenage

26:19

years and my teenage years and in the early 20s. And I shouldn't be where I am today.

26:24

I tell you that. so it's just been by the grace

26:27

of God and more so me putting in work and

26:30

working on myself that has allowed me to be in

26:33

the position that I'm in you know and I give God credit God glory but you know

26:38

it took me to make certain decisions once I became of a certain age and that

26:44

also took me learning how to love myself in order to make change in my life

26:48

so yeah yeah I mean thanks for.

26:51

Being vulnerable and sharing all this stuff and and answering the

26:55

deep questions that i like because i can relate

26:58

to a lot of what you're saying and so you know i there's certain

27:01

struggles that i think that and and whether our

27:04

listeners can relate exactly to the story or not i think

27:07

just from childhood to like becoming an

27:10

adult there's so many lessons that we have to learn for

27:13

ourselves that you can't read nobody's

27:16

going to be able to teach you have to go through those emotions yourself and

27:20

learning how to love i can relate to that because we

27:24

know what we're taught or what we see right right but

27:27

that's not always the right kind for everybody

27:30

right like i think there's many like there's all these love languages and shit

27:33

but i think there's just different ways to love people and finding out

27:36

what that means for yourself is huge and not.

27:39

Just loving other people but like loving yourself too right

27:42

because there's a lot of starts it has to start with

27:45

self love and self-care because if you're not doing either of

27:48

those you're you're no good to

27:51

anybody else right like and it took a breakdown

27:54

for me to finally figure that shit out right because

27:57

i wasn't taking care of myself i took care of everybody else's shit

28:00

my shit was like oh yeah i'll

28:03

be fine i'll be fine then you wake up christmas morning you're

28:06

like yeah fuck it i can't do this anymore i'm done yeah but you know i'm so

28:12

proud of the man that you became now and everything that you're doing with yourself

28:18

and with your organization and really just opening yourself up. You know, it takes...

28:25

I can't find the right word. It'll come to me. Probably when I'm sleeping tonight.

28:30

I'll be like, oh, that's the question I wanted to ask. So did you, how did you find the right tools to get here?

28:37

Did you seek out therapy? Did you dive more into your relationships?

28:41

Like how, what tools got you here?

28:45

Well, I tell you what, I remember when I lived in California.

28:49

You know, my wife said something to me that started that part of the journey. She said, you know what?

28:55

Your father wasn't all that you think he was.

28:59

And what she meant by that was that he wasn't a good guy like I had in my mind

29:06

that he was because all of my life, my mom and other people would say,

29:10

oh, your father loved you. And he was a good guy. Like nobody held him accountable for the things that he did to our family, as crazy as that sounds.

29:18

And so in my mind for so long, I just thought, oh, I had this good father.

29:23

Yeah, he did these things, but let's not even deal with that.

29:26

Let's not even talk about that. Let's look at these other things,

29:28

these positive things he did. And so she said that to me and I said, damn, you know what? You're right.

29:33

And so that started me just thinking about that.

29:37

Right. And then fast forward to 2020, where I, when I started doing the meditation,

29:43

that was like essential because doing these meditations was,

29:48

It allowed me to be an observer of my feelings and my emotions, right? It really did.

29:55

And I started practicing spirituality as well. Now, even though I was raised

29:59

in the church and these denominations and all that, I'm not a religious dude at all.

30:04

Like I've broken away from religion, but I am a highly spiritual person.

30:08

And so I then, you know, along with the meditations, I started practicing spirituality.

30:13

I started working with angels, specifically archangels.

30:17

You know, when we talk about, you know, burning incense, when we talk about

30:20

doing crystal work, we talk about saging and smudging, things like that.

30:25

Doing all these things were my tools, along with my ayahuasca experience too, right? Right.

30:29

And I've had some magic mushroom experiences, too, which have really provided

30:34

certain downloads in regards to self, you know.

30:37

But those were the tools I use to kind of be an observer of my life,

30:43

my emotions, my traumas, my experiences.

30:46

And once I was aware of these different things, I then had just this inner guidance,

30:52

this inner navigation tool to kind of work through those things.

30:55

And then I did have counseling as well. with a therapist, because my wife and

31:00

I, we went to counseling about two years ago, and maybe three years,

31:06

yeah, about two, two and a half years ago, because she was dealing with some things, right?

31:10

But I went with her to support her. But while I was there, we found ourselves

31:14

talking about things about myself and our marriage and things like that.

31:19

So yeah, the therapy definitely helped, but the initial step was that meditation.

31:23

And I recommend meditation to like everybody is such a phenomenal tool because

31:28

it calms the mind, it helps make you an observer and you can be open and vulnerable

31:33

when you're in that space. And, you know, then literally.

31:38

You know, talk about downloads and just receiving information in regards to

31:41

how to navigate life and different feelings and different emotions.

31:45

So those have definitely been my tools. So it makes sense.

31:49

So I do have a question because like I can meditate maybe three minutes and

31:55

then I see a squirrel or something comes in my head.

31:59

So do you have like tips or tricks for like how to do meditation without like getting in your head?

32:05

Because like, I can't seem to get it out of my head.

32:09

You know, a lot of people say that guided meditations help.

32:13

So if you're doing a meditation where you hear somebody speaking,

32:15

there's a voice there just kind of guiding you throughout the meditation that

32:18

can help. Breath work is essential too.

32:21

Because meditation can be hard, especially when you, for the first few months.

32:24

But what I always tell people is try to focus on your breath, right?

32:28

When you do deep inhales and slow exhales, just like, just focus Focus on that,

32:34

hearing your breath and just kind of ride the wave of that inhalation and that exhale.

32:40

Just ride the wave and just try your best to focus on that.

32:43

And, you know, when a thought comes, you know, observe it and do your best to just let it pass.

32:49

Try not to focus on it too much. You're aware of that. It's there.

32:53

Just let it come and go, you know, but it takes work.

32:56

It does. It takes work. So I definitely encourage you to keep at it.

33:00

But, you know, when I first started, you know, I experienced the same thing.

33:05

I just wanted to give up. Like, I can't do this, you know.

33:07

But there was something in me that kind of pushed me to keep at it. And I'm so glad I did.

33:12

And it's been literally a game changer, life changer for me.

33:15

I feel like this season, that is the theme.

33:18

Everybody is talking about meditation. But it makes sense because hearing about

33:22

your childhood and suppressing and not acknowledging your feelings and your emotions,

33:26

It makes sense that once you could unblock certain parts of your psyche and

33:32

go to meditation and connect those dots, like that makes sense.

33:36

That would heal, I would imagine, right? Yeah, yeah.

33:40

You can acknowledge now and be acknowledged that your feelings are valid and.

33:44

Right. And then you just, yeah, you navigate through it and you trust that what

33:48

you're experiencing is what's best for you in that moment.

33:51

Right. And a lot of those traumas came back during meditation,

33:54

you know, and I had to deal with them.

33:57

Right. I didn't learn from them. And essentially that is what I have been doing

34:00

my entire life, learning from them, not dealing with them.

34:03

And I wasn't even aware that I was, even though I experienced that,

34:07

I didn't know anything thing about trauma and having to heal from it.

34:11

But, you know, starting that meditation, I had this, I now have this awareness

34:15

and I had to deal with those things. I had to think through it, like you said, and that's the great thing.

34:21

And it was all fear-based, right? Because I didn't deal with it.

34:24

But when you take on fear and you deal with that fear head on and not run from

34:29

it or try to go around it, it's something special on the other side of that, right?

34:33

I always say God places It's just the very best things in life on the other

34:36

side of fear. And that is so true.

34:39

I've always, that has always been my experience. And I just take you back to

34:43

the skydiving thing, right? I'm fearful to do that. Oh my God, that week leading up to the jump was like

34:49

one of the most stressful weeks of my life, but I did it.

34:52

And it was something so great, so special on the other side of that.

34:57

I mean, I hit the ground and it was a rough landing too. People laughed at me.

35:03

You survived to talk. But I survived. But the feeling I had after I dusted myself

35:08

off and stood up, I was like, it's like a weight of the world had been lifted

35:13

off my shoulders, off my chest. And I felt so good. I had this sense of freedom, this sense of liberation.

35:17

I used to be scared to drive on bridges. So you know how you're on the highway

35:20

and you go like on a bridge that kind of takes you to another section of the

35:25

highway or even a suspension bridge. I used to hate that shit. Like I'll be driving on the highway.

35:29

Okay, here comes a bridge. And man, my hands start getting sweaty and my heart just wasting.

35:37

After that jump, where's the next bridge? And I'll give me the damn bridge.

35:40

I don't care. I don't just, you know, I can do a bridge now.

35:43

There's just been other periods in my life that the exact same way that I had these fears of.

35:49

I mean, I would be, you know, if someone would think this is so small and minute,

35:53

I could be sitting in a freaking doctor's office waiting on my name to be called,

35:59

to go see the doctor for my annual physical or something.

36:02

And I'm sitting there and I have to use the bathroom and I wouldn't get up to go to the bathroom.

36:07

It was a fear just to get up and go to the bathroom. Whoa.

36:10

People looking at me or thinking about me

36:13

if i you know just like little shit you know that

36:16

i was a prisoner too that's been lifted you know so

36:19

yeah but that i mean i don't want

36:22

to say normal but that makes sense to have those fears based on what you were

36:26

going through or coming from you know um i'm curious have you jumped from any

36:30

other planes how many times you jumped that was just one time but i have to

36:35

do it again yeah there will be more i was thinking like i have not jumped out of

36:40

a plane, but I do have a fear of heights and bridges and all that stuff.

36:43

And the closest I can come to relating to that story was a group of friends

36:46

and I decided we were on this kick. As a group, we're going to do things we've never done.

36:51

And we were in Florida and there was this huge rope park and we were ziplining.

36:57

That was the purpose. We're going here to zipline, which if you're afraid of

37:00

heights, that shit's scary because it's fucking all the way up there and you

37:03

got me on a string and you want me to do one. So the way they started, it was actually having you drop, I think it was like

37:11

eight feet was just an eight feet drop.

37:14

And I'm like, what the fuck? And I trying to be really cool and like badass.

37:19

I'm like, I'll be the first one up. I got this. And I was freaking out.

37:23

But as soon as I did it and I jumped, I was done.

37:27

Like, I was like, okay, let's go to the highest zip line you have.

37:30

Like, I'm ready to go because you have that adrenaline. Like, I got this. Yeah. Right. That's awesome.

37:35

What about you, G-Wrek? Flying out of planes? So, not flying out of planes,

37:40

but, you know, my wife took me to Hawaii probably about...

37:46

15 years ago, and I'm deathly afraid of heights.

37:49

Deathly. Well, she wants to take a doors-off helicopter ride, right?

37:54

Oh, wow. To go up around the Nepali coastline.

37:58

I'm like, fuck, I don't want to do this. I'm like, like you,

38:02

like two hours up, coming up to the flight, and I'm like, fuck,

38:06

no. I'm like, stomach's hurting. We get up there. Of course, they got us all cinched in, right?

38:12

But she's like hanging out the side of the helicopter.

38:16

And I am like white knuckling it

38:19

the entire time like my hands hurt I can

38:23

see the imprints of my fingernails in my hand and

38:26

she's like that was the fucking coolest thing ever I'm like then we

38:31

went back two years later and we did it and I was okay

38:34

with that then now when we travel I

38:37

I'd like to take the helicopter rides because not so

38:41

much the doors off that still like freaks the fuck out of me

38:43

but i like it because you can see

38:46

so much more of the city right like you

38:49

can see places that you probably wouldn't get to i

38:53

attribute her to having me try all sorts of new things like i never ate oysters

38:58

until i met her never ate caviar until i met her you know like all these fears

39:03

but and i i learned how to scuba dive with her right because there you go getting

39:10

in the water and you can't see down. So you get a little freaked out.

39:15

But as I've gotten older, I'm a little bit more open to doing things like that.

39:20

My biggest fear is getting hurt because at 60, if you fall, it usually takes

39:27

like eight months for it to heal, right? As versus as when I was 20, I was like, oh, I fell, I'm fine.

39:32

You know, I'll go to work. But I think those are the things that scare me.

39:37

Those are my fears, right? Some of them are justified.

39:41

Some of them are not. It's just because I'm a giant wuss. But I love the fact

39:46

that you actually got up in that plane and you jumped.

39:49

And I think that was probably so freeing. Are there other things you want to jump off of, though?

39:55

Because I was thinking about when you were saying that, like going over to New

39:59

Zealand and bungee jumping off that really tall waterfall.

40:04

Yeah. No. Nope.

40:08

Oh, I would totally do it. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I would definitely do it. Yeah.

40:13

I haven't really said, okay, you know, but I do not have this,

40:16

you know, fuck fear thing that I have going on over the last three years.

40:21

I do like, I get, you know, I do.

40:25

And that's that. I guess that's part of my drive. You know, it's part of my

40:28

drive to do more. We need to hang out with him and get to the fuck fear part of our lives. Yeah.

40:35

Oh, go ahead. I would say I'm like really extreme with it because of how I was previously.

40:40

Right. I was just really because of the trauma. Right. It just had me in this.

40:44

Like I said, I was sitting in a doctor's office, just scared to freaking get

40:48

up. And so like in my mind, I'm not going back to that.

40:50

Like I'm not. I can't. Won't happen. And so now I'm just like, fuck fear.

40:55

Like I'll do what I want to do. I'm not going to let this energy control me any longer.

41:00

I'm going to control it. It tries me all the time still, but I don't give into it.

41:05

You know, and it's a process, right?

41:08

Something comes in, you know, that I have to do or have to speak,

41:12

you know, I may get a little jitter, a little nervous, but the mind is a powerful

41:15

thing. No, Justin, you got this. I take myself back to jumping out that plane. I take myself back to sitting

41:21

with ayahuasca for three nights in the desert. I take myself back to different things.

41:25

And like, that tells me that, man, Justin, you can do anything.

41:30

If you did these things, you can do this. You can do that. Like,

41:34

no fear, man. You got this, you know, and that's my mindset.

41:37

So looking at your life as a journey now, what has been the hardest lesson you've learned?

41:43

Hardest lesson I've learned in this journey? Wow.

41:48

That's a great question. What has been the hardest lesson I've learned?

41:52

When things do get hard, and things definitely get hard from time to time,

41:57

I've learned not to give up on myself. I always tell myself, brother, you've came too far.

42:03

You've came too far to give up. I think back to dealing with different fears

42:08

in my life and things that I've had to go through and dealing with people that

42:14

didn't have my best interests at heart. And I just told myself, you came too far to give up.

42:20

And that is part of my motivation, my drive to keep going.

42:24

And also to have that balance, right?

42:28

In regards to wanting to keep pushing and learning and growing in life with

42:34

the different efforts and projects I have going on, but also spiritually and

42:39

as a person and in my marriage,

42:41

you know, and being a father to my kids and a son to a son, father to my sons and daughter.

42:48

And a brother to my siblings, right?

42:51

Just having that balance because I get pulled in a lot of directions, right?

42:57

Like in my home, for example, again, my mom's 83 years old. She's not in the best of health.

43:01

So I have to look after her. I have to make sure I'm being the type of husband

43:06

that my marriage needs for both me and my wife.

43:09

I have three children here at the house. They need me. So everything is facilitated through me.

43:15

And then I have my time with my my podcast, my nonprofit.

43:18

So just trying to balance this life and just this family and just balance everything.

43:27

It's freaking hard. It really is. And sometimes I'm like, I don't feel like doing this today.

43:32

And sometimes I don't do that shit on the day. And the hard part is,

43:36

has been, you know, that's okay, man.

43:38

You know, that's okay. If you don't want to do this today, fine

43:41

you know it's okay you know so just

43:44

the balance and again just learning how to

43:47

love myself just staying in that space knowing who

43:51

i am and why i am here you know has been the the biggest challenges for me throughout

43:57

this journey at this point i have i kind of have a two-part question if you

44:02

and i know g-rex is like she's asking i was fucking questioning it but But if

44:06

you could look back on your life,

44:09

and let's say you could time travel and go back to a younger version of yourself,

44:13

what age would you travel back to? And what would you say to yourself?

44:19

Wow. I would travel back to when I was two years old to when my father picked me up and threw me down.

44:24

I would go talk to my younger, two-year-old Justin, pick him up and say,

44:29

you know what, it's okay. You're going to go through some more shit over the next several years,

44:34

but it's okay because what's in store for you in the future makes it all worth it.

44:41

Yeah. And I find myself doing that now, you know, when shit gets tough,

44:45

you know, we all have that inner child, right? Right. And sometimes you got to talk to that inner child, you know,

44:51

Hey buddy, this is your future self, man. It's okay.

44:54

I'm here. You don't have to fear. You don't have to worry. I got your back.

44:57

Right. Trust me. Yeah. So on the other side of that coin, if you could ask a

45:02

future version of yourself, what would, what question would you ask that future version?

45:07

What would I ask my future self? I love that question. What would I ask my future self?

45:13

I'd probably ask him, are you sure all this shit you go through is worth it?

45:18

Like is it that damn good 15 20.

45:22

Years from now or you'd have to go through everything you went through and.

45:25

I'm sure that's what yourself would be yes or you know

45:27

i guess another thing that comes to mind is man like like

45:30

how do you do it because i've noticed that as i

45:34

grow spiritually personally and

45:37

professionally the shit gets harder you know

45:40

it gets harder you know and

45:43

that's something i think about from time to time like man

45:46

i've made i've had so much growth in my life over

45:50

the last three or four years but like things get

45:53

get even harder it's like the challenges like you

45:57

go up a level like i liken it to a video game right like you

46:00

start a level one level two is harder level three level

46:03

four level five the shit gets harder but you grow as a

46:06

character in the game you know like mario right

46:09

from nintendo you know he eats the mushrooms he gets

46:11

bigger or some type of character you level one you have

46:14

a knife level two you have a gun three of machine gun number

46:17

four you have a freaking rocket launcher but as

46:20

you grow things get harder you are equipped with more tools

46:23

you know and i guess i would ask myself man

46:26

like like just tell me

46:29

about the journey tell me what to expect you know how what's

46:32

the best way that i can deal with these things this these levels continue to

46:37

get harder and harder as you continue to climb continue to grow i love that

46:41

all of that g-rex you want to answer for you because i don't think i've asked

46:45

you that question what would you ask a future version of yourself what are the

46:49

lottery numbers no oh my god totally.

46:54

Oh no honestly i would ask have you been able to let go of your past and move

47:00

on and be with your present self right because so much of my life i spent looking

47:07

backwards and not looking forwards. And then it took Bookie's episode for me to realize that we need to live in the moment.

47:17

And live for today and yeah but i would still ask myself what the lottery numbers

47:22

are because it's still a bucket list thing so in the lottery yeah well keep fucking trying bud,

47:29

don't give up on that dream but like i have so i like my last question and it's

47:34

a two-parter what do you do for self-love and self-care today like what is the

47:39

i do yeah self-love and self-care here today. I exercise.

47:44

That works wonders for me, whether it be going outside when it's not 150 here

47:50

in Phoenix to jog, you know, do some walking, because that's like a form of

47:54

meditation for me as well. You know, exercising, that really does it for me.

47:59

And yeah, the exercising, of course, the meditation, and just always keep it

48:05

in my mind or at the forefront of my mind, I should say that I'm a special guy,

48:10

you know, and special is subjective, right?

48:12

But for me, it just means that I've been placed here, put in a position to help

48:20

others in a way that they will benefit from,

48:24

you know, and I'm just thankful that my heart is there to want to help others, right?

48:29

Because that does it for me. So that's my form of self-love,

48:33

just keeping it at the in front of my mind that there are people that really

48:37

need help out here and it's my thing to

48:39

help them i don't know that's i hope that answers your

48:42

question but that that really does it for me you know

48:45

that's i get love and i'd wait from that you know so i i love it i thank you

48:52

so much for being so vulnerable and thank you you know just really opening up

48:56

just not just us but to our listeners and man i want to hear back from you in

49:01

a year i want to see where you're at what what you're doing,

49:04

you know, you're part of the podcast family now, because now we have a whole

49:07

bunch of friends. We never thought we would have any friends. Fucking get invested. We are so invested.

49:13

Yeah. Yeah. And G-Rex, I just want to say this. There's something you said a

49:17

minute ago that really resonated with me when you said living in the now and

49:21

not the past or even not the future.

49:24

And I'll tell you what, that is just so important because nothing matters,

49:28

but now, you know, nothing matters, but now.

49:33

You know, for people that focus on what they went through or past experiences,

49:38

regardless of what it was, it's a reason for it. It's a reason for everything,

49:43

you know, and I just encourage people to be their best in the moment.

49:47

It's so important, yet it is so hard to do at times.

49:51

But if you push yourself to do that, that changes your mind,

49:55

which will then change your behaviors, which then change your reality.

50:00

And there's a lot of love and a lot of growth.

50:03

Perfect I feel like that is the perfect fucking way to end it like that was

50:07

like beautifully said thank you,

50:11

Hi, all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex.

50:15

And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast.

50:20

We'd love to listen to your feedback.

50:23

We can't do this without you guys. It's okay.

50:27

Music.