0:04

Welcome to Dear Prudence I'm year period

0:06

and Dna. Desmond Harris today will be

0:09

offering advice to a friend who hates

0:11

that they always have to initiate plans

0:13

as stepmother dreading the idea of her

0:16

entitled stepdaughters moving in and someone who

0:18

lost a bunch of way and as

0:20

obsessed with using that that to make

0:23

the other moms at school feel really

0:25

terrible. Here to help me out is

0:27

Anna Sale sees the author let's talk

0:30

about Hide Things and the host of

0:32

Death, Sex and many the award. Winning

0:34

Podcast about the things we think about a

0:37

lot and need to talk about. My in

0:39

case you haven't already heard, you probably have

0:41

it. Recently found a new home here at

0:43

Slate. Both into the show and look into

0:45

play. Enter I'm so glad to be here

0:48

with you on both fronts. Were so delighted

0:50

to have you have. Then why do

0:52

you your advice for so long

0:54

and will. Start out with asking

0:56

you for one piece of

0:58

unsolicited advice. I think it's

1:00

a always good advice to

1:02

take a be. whom.

1:05

I. Think I've learned this from making podcasts

1:07

and it's helped me and my life that

1:09

if you just slow it down a minute.

1:12

It. Helps everything. So like something

1:14

happened, someone pisses you off.

1:17

You. Want to send an email? Just.

1:19

Don't. Yeah. Just. Take

1:21

a be you can still send the

1:23

email yeah but often you know. For

1:25

me the first reaction that I come

1:27

up with is often like coming out

1:29

of sort of old muscle memory and

1:31

react him and. If. I

1:33

take a be than I can see like

1:36

oh how much of this is about the

1:38

actual situation and how much of this am

1:40

I like bringing a whole truckload of old

1:42

scars. I love that idea! A

1:45

Of course if you aren't as Metairie

1:47

evolved during the Be, you just. Get more

1:49

wound f ing crazy. Hey. Hey,

1:54

I take a B M, use it well to try to

1:56

get to a better place and also if you take any

1:58

really long pauses during the. The third mom now

2:00

that that's what you're doing he i'm really pass

2:03

and trying to figure out with said exit. Okay

2:08

in and I will dive into your questions. So

2:11

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Slate thought com forward/pretty

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plus. Welcome

2:54

back to listening to the evidence.

2:56

I'm here with Anna. Cel let

2:58

his sided with our first sled

3:01

as is titled friend Zone. I

3:08

have what I hear is a common problem

3:10

and the friend who reaches everywhere I go.

3:12

I have a lot of social energy I

3:14

guess I'm not really that extroverted, but I

3:16

find making plans and spending time with people

3:18

pretty easy and a make a real effort

3:20

to check in with and prioritise time of

3:23

my friends. I feel well liked by

3:25

my social circle, but I also see that everyone

3:27

around me knows all initiate plans or throw parties

3:29

sometime soon, so those touch me. Then I turned

3:31

us a bug. People aware of my welcome. I

3:34

just like to see my close friends every few

3:36

weeks or so for a movie night or a

3:38

hiker. Copy cats up! Additionally, I'm self employed with

3:40

no kids and my partner is very introverted so

3:42

I've got a lot of time and flexibility on

3:45

my hands. I genuinely like to help people out

3:47

and often find that I'm the perfect person asked

3:49

to let your dog out when you have to

3:51

work late or to come help with the project.

3:54

Most of the time I'm fine with this dynamic. I

3:56

think these are good qualities to have and I'm proud

3:58

to put a lot of effort into. In a

4:00

good friend I like being helpful and I

4:02

always get loving feedback about how grateful people

4:04

are that I can be the initiator the

4:07

can't be. but it does get old from

4:09

time to time as sometimes want people to

4:11

miss me and to initiate plants and cove

4:13

my company. I don't like the idea of

4:16

just stepping back and waiting to see who

4:18

reaches out. I've lost friends and hurt my

4:20

own feelings by manufacturing distance that I didn't

4:22

want in the first place, but I struggle

4:24

to believe that I deserve for other people

4:27

that I don't have a formal commitment with

4:29

to change their behavior. For me, if

4:31

we were closer, we'd be closer.

4:33

Wait. Can. You help me come up

4:35

with some words. the gently express to the people

4:37

I care about that I could use some prioritization

4:39

coming my way from time to time. I've

4:42

tried to drop since and mix for people know

4:44

I'm available. But it doesn't seem to the. Anna

4:53

A you have plan initiate

4:55

air or air invitation except

4:57

as. I can be

4:59

both and edges on a set of

5:01

this letter writer like I love the

5:03

camp counselor and bring and mikhail to

5:05

like the world with stop turning if

5:08

they weren't people like you friendship group

5:10

would fall apart. they have part light

5:12

and it's such an under valued labor

5:14

that happens in the world and I

5:16

get the feelings of hurt and also

5:18

rage. Build a happy when you notice

5:21

that you're doing this often to answer

5:23

your first question. Tonight with my nuclear

5:25

family with my kids and my husband

5:27

I am definitely this letter writer. I

5:29

am the one his like let's keep

5:32

this train go and yeah but because

5:34

I have. Kids and a husband like

5:36

in made long friendships and with my family

5:38

of origin I'm definitely the one who like

5:40

doesn't follow up in the text. Same side

5:43

though the and I think I'm a little

5:45

bit in the same place right now. I'd

5:47

definitely used to be the Sessler coordinator when

5:49

I was in D C and I was

5:52

single. I was always like everybody we need

5:54

to get them for nine thirty when it's

5:56

free to get in How many how many

5:59

people and their. The Me Fan: Since I've

6:01

been awake, it's time to get the Bronx

6:03

and that's definitely not my lifestyle right now.

6:05

And the i think I am wherever an

6:08

invitation access to at this place and thinking

6:10

about how that scenes over the course of

6:12

my life and I'm sir it's time for

6:15

you to. Makes. Me: think about

6:17

a theory that I have actually have a.

6:19

Large theory about the kind of grape and this

6:21

letter telling what you think about it. I

6:23

think in francis everyone has a

6:25

different rather play because everyone has

6:28

a different personality. A different

6:30

amount of energy, a different state

6:32

of lace this and a different

6:34

background, different strengths than an astrological

6:37

same different mental health is is

6:39

different weaknesses and I think that

6:41

ideally and of scorekeeping about whether

6:43

your friends are matching what you're

6:45

doing and one particular area. It's.

6:48

Feels better to zoom out and look

6:51

at the big success. And.

6:53

See if maybe things balance out because

6:55

they may. Be stronger, more active in an

6:57

area where you're. Not doing as much

6:59

so. for example, some people usually

7:02

Taipei's make plans. Some. People

7:04

may be my tent, bees go with the

7:06

flow, but they may bring a sense of

7:08

son and positivity. They might list everyone's the

7:10

mood when they sell off. some be like

7:12

a gift givers, some people a good listener

7:14

as. Some. Make a big deal about

7:16

your birthday. some sell. Off when you're going through a

7:19

hard time. I. Don't know if it

7:21

turns out well when you want everyone to

7:23

have the same strength the you do especially.

7:25

He has asked whether you want to be

7:27

held that standard when it comes to the

7:30

things they're good at. That. You may

7:32

not be as good at. I think that

7:34

that's really true. People even plan in different

7:36

ways. They move when I. Curse.

7:38

Had together with my husband like

7:40

he's a real like he trust

7:42

that he can figure it out.

7:44

Three days before him. And

7:48

unless you're not going to get it to dioramas

7:50

in a car if you don't, plan ahead of

7:52

me worse you know. But I learned played his

7:54

eyes so up two months early and like let's

7:56

get that rental car reservation it stresses amount instilled

7:58

and dealing with the things. The three days

8:01

from now I'm so we've had

8:03

to sort of figure out our

8:05

own slow about planning. I think

8:07

that your grand theory is apt

8:09

here, and I also think we

8:11

don't know exactly what life phase

8:13

the letter writer is rating from.

8:16

But I wonder if there's something going

8:19

on? Where may be seasonal I say

8:21

is. Where. There's been

8:23

a shift in. The. Availability

8:25

of her close friends and their capacity

8:27

to be planners. Yeah and maybe they

8:29

partnered? Are they have jobs that worked

8:31

differently than her? flexible job may be

8:34

have kids that she doesn't and it

8:36

sounds like at the root of this

8:38

is like I want us feel. For

8:40

the people that I care for and take

8:42

care of that they care about me Back,

8:45

race and. What she wants is for

8:47

them to do that in the way that

8:49

she's able to do that she likes to

8:51

do that's an infinitely might not. Have

8:53

the capacity to do that. Great But

8:55

I think to the exact question of

8:57

like what is the ways that I

9:00

can hence at what I need. I.

9:03

Think it's not saying can you plan

9:05

a dinner reservation for us and said

9:07

it sang a i miss you can

9:09

we say you're trying to be together?

9:11

yes and just sake said the ceiling

9:13

instead of the like i've made a

9:15

dinner reservation because I miss you instead

9:17

say i miss you like what something

9:19

we can do together and maybe that

9:21

all sort of dig up some of

9:23

the underlying stuff that's going on here.

9:25

Yeah, was thinking kind of their the

9:28

easy response this A D will talk

9:30

to them here's your scrapped in the

9:32

Cs could say. hey I know similar my

9:34

initiating plans. I wonder if you could take

9:36

the lead on the next catcher in the

9:38

friends would probably do it. That's something tells

9:40

me that is wouldn't get to the chorus

9:42

Years has. Like you said the chorus you

9:44

as a ceiling and honestly the most powerful

9:46

thoughts in this letter that really jumped out

9:48

at me where. I want people

9:51

to miss me and crave my company.

9:53

I'm and I deserve. For other people,

9:55

change their behavior. For me. And

9:57

those are like a therapy session.

10:00

Three Statement. You know what I mean. So.

10:02

They're really intense feelings and I don't

10:04

think there's a kind of ceilings that

10:06

go away because you are someone to

10:09

do a task and they do it.

10:12

Like. They're much deeper Arabia. They require a

10:14

sort of some personal work, but also maybe

10:16

like you said, different kind of connection with

10:18

your friends to get that validation. Yeah.

10:21

And any also think there's a risk to

10:23

even saying like, can you do some more

10:25

labor on our friendships behalf I will say

10:27

as somebody with two little kids and a

10:30

job and of the household that I'm trying

10:32

to keep track of like. If.

10:34

I have a friend who I know has more

10:36

flexibility in their life and that's the energy they

10:39

come at me with. It.

10:41

Makes me feel unseen Sake? I

10:43

hear you. but you are needing

10:45

something for me that I'm not

10:47

giving you. And also.

10:50

Do you see I'd barely and each

10:52

day with my head above water you

10:54

know any mean and it makes me

10:56

kind of be like why some really

10:58

disconnected from this person may know and

11:00

I think the letter writer could benefit

11:02

from that. That to that pulling back

11:04

and thinking about where their friends are

11:06

at because I thought the other line

11:08

at set out to me I've lost

11:10

friends and hurt my own feelings by

11:12

manufacturing distance that I didn't want in

11:14

the first place is like you have

11:16

tried this before and it seems like

11:19

underlying it is this fear that. I. Don't

11:21

Like Continues showing love to the people

11:23

who I love. They won't love me.

11:25

Three go away for a. And

11:28

they're not gonna go away. Summer night the

11:30

to in less pets but that's why just

11:32

are saying i miss you must connect I

11:34

also think when play related slate you said

11:37

about the size of life that year and

11:39

is that these things do change over time.

11:42

So. Right now letter writer you are

11:44

super not busy. you have kids and

11:46

your hazards introvert so maybe a time

11:49

down the road. When your friends' kids are older,

11:51

low maintenance, and you have an incredibly stressful job or

11:53

a caring for a. Six Spouse like again,

11:55

I think it's important to zoom

11:57

out of. Friendship is long. The

12:00

lot of years ahead of the ill and

12:02

things may. Not. Feel equal now and

12:04

they may equalize like down the road at.

12:06

Some point if we the people he really care

12:08

about maybe that's. A few years of you doing

12:11

this and then later on in life someone else

12:13

takes the lead when it comes to planning because

12:15

you to have the capacity have now and I

12:17

really think for the season you're an Blake. As

12:20

he like Seth Rogan is such

12:22

a hero with like how he

12:24

has dealt with his time while

12:26

his friends are raising. Small kid

12:28

likes you could start a like

12:30

bomb pottery company and. Go

12:33

at incidents like I Love the way

12:35

he talks about the freedom that comes

12:37

with not having kids and what he's

12:39

been able to do artistically creatively that

12:42

his friends who are busy raising kids

12:44

like they'll get to do. Yeah, I

12:46

think that there's ways the you can

12:48

create a lot of joy and connection.

12:50

Maybe in some new relationships or in a

12:53

relationship with yourself? Instead of focusing on the

12:55

ways that you feel like the connections that

12:57

you have had that have taken a lot

12:59

of effort on your behalf instead of only

13:01

focusing on that. Absolutely. You

13:08

listening to the Dear prudence? So and when we

13:10

come back will be reading. My ability to

13:12

stay with a. Why?

13:23

And here is my guest Anna Sales

13:25

and see a letters and the next

13:27

one is titled formerly. From fees. I

13:32

recently lost a lot of weight doing from

13:34

overweight to the bottom end of the healthy

13:37

range and it's released a lot of relational

13:39

aggression between me and the other woman at

13:41

my daughter's preschool. As a fancy preschool where

13:43

the women often have high powered jobs and

13:45

although I had tried to be friends with

13:47

some of the woman when my kids arrived

13:49

they were always too busy. Are trying again

13:51

on the New year I suspect is it

13:53

was because I was sat and from the

13:55

and how low status job and lives in

13:57

a small house but didn't have any proof.

14:00

I have recently a few of the limit

14:02

have become outright mean to me. One.

14:04

Cat directly between me and my husband. boxing

14:06

yep, another always discusses in front of me

14:09

the troops. She goes on with the other

14:11

moms. She's always on them but has only

14:13

recently started messing. It's response has I'm in

14:15

great Lately I've been wearing more make up

14:18

dressing and form fitting clothes. talking to the

14:20

dad's nothing out there, jokes, etc of awesome

14:22

and humble bragging about my waves as really

14:24

hard getting hassled so much by men on

14:27

the street. I am so not used to

14:29

have. My one mom friend says there's a

14:31

rumor that I've gotten on of them back

14:33

I didn't. Which I think shows

14:35

unsuccessfully getting under people skins. I can't

14:37

help feeling I'm playing with fire and

14:40

that my kids happiness is that seeks

14:42

the school those the eighth grade and

14:44

hopefully I'll be in some of these

14:46

women's lives for the next decade. At

14:48

the same time, I just don't like

14:50

these women. I don't care if they

14:52

freeze me out or spread rumors about

14:54

me, I just want to hurt them

14:56

the way they hurt need to years

14:58

ago when it would have cost them

15:01

so little effort to be nice to

15:03

me. my husband as. Agnostic, he's totally

15:05

long to find a new school of

15:07

things go bad. My therapist wants me

15:09

to focus on healing the inner child

15:11

and is justifiably concerned about me putting

15:13

too much of myself worth since my

15:16

looks, which could obviously change at any

15:18

moment, but my perspective is who knows

15:20

how long I'll say send so I

15:22

muzzle enjoy myself. Moreover, I genuinely don't

15:24

know how to stop every time I'm

15:26

with Islam, and I just want to

15:29

hurt them. And frankly, now that. I

15:31

know they're weak spot there with and

15:33

looks it's so easy. Literally, any

15:35

mention of weeks, as she says,

15:37

dress like cetera, bring them at

15:39

visible pain and starts them stammering

15:41

and flailing. Then I offer them

15:43

some sauce or reassurances, which gives

15:45

me plausible deniability. It feels remarkably

15:48

like being And Proust novel Yes,

15:50

I'm an adjunct professor. I assume

15:52

at some point the kids will

15:54

be old enough that they can

15:56

socialize about the parents for be

15:58

those the until then. I'm. Rock.

16:01

For I do. There's some protocol

16:03

for teaching yourself to be nice to people

16:05

you don't respect for now. Holy in your

16:07

power! And

16:12

and I'm here You have to say because

16:14

during the reading of this letter you were

16:16

shaking your head holding ahead and your hands of

16:18

letting go on me to take seriously. I

16:23

mean there is so much like

16:25

now that I know they're weak

16:27

spots the and in this desire

16:29

to hurt them and I can

16:31

tell letter writer that you really

16:33

feel like. These women excluded

16:35

you. That. They did not.

16:38

Treat. You With respect to his they

16:40

saw you as less. Than and

16:43

wanna just offer the possibility

16:45

that that might not be

16:47

happening? That might not have

16:49

happened. Rate: Let's unpack. Allegation

16:51

by allegation that okay let's

16:53

say it's hot. The other

16:55

mom had high powered job.

16:58

They were working hundred fifty sixty hours

17:00

a week. They've decided the reason

17:02

they couldn't make. Suntan he has plans with you

17:04

because you are front be. And have a

17:06

low status job and. A

17:08

smaller house race in. I get

17:10

like the class dynamics at play

17:13

at school. Picked. Up and drop

17:15

off our intense. However, there's

17:17

also the possibly plug. when I

17:19

think about my social encounters at

17:21

drop off i have kids in

17:23

elementary school, it's like you are

17:25

hitting me right at that moment

17:27

in the day when my internal

17:29

to do list is like as

17:31

heck, the x ray as it

17:34

could possibly be. So I am

17:36

not my best social circles and

17:38

so I think it could be

17:40

that these mom's excluded you intentionally.

17:42

that might be. It also could

17:44

be that these mom's maiden knew.

17:46

Each other from preschool. they have

17:48

like deeper history. You

17:50

know, who knows like what their

17:52

relationships are that. Preceded you

17:54

sort of noticing that they were connected

17:56

in ways that. You didn't feel included

17:58

rate. I just. That having a

18:01

body transformation is a big deal.

18:03

And. Noticing that people notice you

18:05

and treat you differently. Is a

18:07

big deal. Yeah, definitely. And

18:10

the trauma of being treated

18:12

poorly because. He id wasn't what society wanted

18:14

it to be before is a big. Deal. Yeah,

18:16

and I don't know how long

18:19

you know you've been in your

18:21

body your whole life and I

18:23

don't know how often you have

18:25

felt unseen, but it feels like

18:27

the ferocity of the. Resentment and

18:29

anger at the moms at pick up

18:31

and drop off. Seems.

18:34

Like it's about more than just

18:36

these particular mom's as and said.

18:38

That's. Why I was like. Yeah,

18:42

it seems like you are. Creating.

18:45

Some drama. Why have to say that

18:47

My first reaction was this is probably

18:49

one of the most honest letters I've

18:51

ever read. So I'll say when people

18:53

I like how do you know it's

18:55

like as a fake I say well

18:57

they're all kind of sake because they

18:59

all really only tell when prison side

19:01

of the story and the prisons always

19:03

making themselves look scared and putting myself

19:05

in the positive light. Nicest person that

19:07

I mean I guess if I felt

19:09

as I want to. I

19:12

love being an asshole and hurting people here as well.

19:15

As I do appreciate the honesty like I

19:18

love that year. in touch with your feelings

19:20

about this I guess I would just ask

19:22

letter writer is is making you happy obviously

19:24

it's not rate you say that it makes

19:26

you feel good to make the other moms

19:28

feel bad that this doesn't sound like a

19:30

letter written by someone who feels good. The

19:34

I wonder s. Here.

19:36

In this new body that you lay you do

19:38

when you make at you like your clothes. He.

19:41

Feels like a wasted opportunity to

19:43

celebrate and enjoy and be happy

19:46

about the way you look. And

19:48

I don't know if that means. Going.

19:51

Out the has signed on as it

19:53

means taking him to pick says sitting

19:55

on Instagram tic toc sign become an

19:58

influencer. I mean just looking in the

20:00

me every day doing affirmation that I

20:02

worry that you're wasting this period of

20:04

time and which you. Feel. Good

20:06

about yourself physically by trying to

20:09

make these women feel terrible. And

20:12

it's probably not. Working. And.

20:15

They may not even be aware of on the dynamics that

20:17

I going on. It feels like a

20:19

lot of energy that could be. Redirected

20:21

to actually make you happy with

20:24

is. What I want: Four year. I

20:26

distinguish the think about whether there are other ways to get

20:28

there. And. I

20:30

was interesting. The. Letter

20:32

writer told us what the therapist

20:34

advice was. he'll can focus on

20:36

connecting to your inner child main

20:38

and her child. I'm the husband

20:40

says. If. Necessary we can

20:42

smith school them as a matter

20:45

of yet another. Set of months

20:47

at said after exactly the same. I

20:49

mean, I think we can both agree

20:51

respectfully this letter writer as someone. Is going

20:53

aside pain and a sense wherever they go. Because.

20:56

Of what the surface mentioned about the

20:58

inner child. Or whatever you want to call it.

21:00

More. I mean I thought that that

21:03

is like they didn't care about me

21:05

before and now they care about me

21:07

because I'm in a different body and

21:09

there's that. Fear that Sort of

21:11

full. That an about I don't know how

21:13

long this body's gonna laugh riot to t

21:15

to any minute. So I want to make

21:17

the most event fighting the zebra possible. Yeah.

21:20

You get to have righteous anger about

21:22

how that's screwed up. Like about

21:25

not feeling seen. Before you

21:27

radically changed your body a yes think

21:29

it's gonna be wasted energy. To focus

21:31

your raf on them and also

21:34

the powerful feeling you have of

21:36

hitting them at what you think

21:38

you've identified as numeral. Spot. And

21:41

because there could be the possibility that

21:43

they're just like not. Even clue then

21:45

and rain try to hurt them

21:47

like and they don't even notice.

21:49

Laser scanner likes restart the whole

21:52

cycle all over again. I make

21:54

it could be there is in

21:56

this incident where he believes that

21:58

the woman. Directly between

22:00

you and a has been in bucks you

22:02

our secret of this them like I need

22:04

to talk to my husband and this. Woman

22:07

the tens of make up on is really

22:09

close to him and he's uncomfortable that me

22:11

protect them. Says it's a lot of different narratives

22:13

that can be going on in their head. And.

22:16

Again, it feels like not the

22:18

best use of energy. To.

22:20

Try it seems their thoughts and feelings when

22:22

we're really not even Sarah. What their thoughts

22:24

and feelings are and the first place. And

22:27

this is just the thought that I have another

22:29

kind of hard to. Really feel that

22:31

I've come to over the years. I get

22:33

a lot of comforts me. idea that if

22:35

someone is a truly awful person, their punishment

22:38

is that they have to live with the

22:40

kind of person that it doesn't mean that

22:42

they're going to be ugly. Other going to

22:44

be poor people are going to be

22:46

mean to them because life isn't fair

22:49

and horrible. People get great opportunities and

22:51

as comfortable as. Bad as the

22:53

end of the day they have to live with seeing

22:55

a terrible person. And. I get

22:57

some tea is just so. Knowing that their

22:59

punishment and I don't have to add to

23:01

it so you couldn't maybe think about that.

23:03

I think that said really well and I

23:05

went to set a different way. It seems

23:07

like the letter writers kind of trying to reproduce

23:09

like some of the dynamics of middle school and

23:11

as letter writer to consider like we've had the

23:14

in middle school yes. Like

23:16

middle school is suffering because there's

23:19

so much sykes. People jockeying for

23:21

hierarchy and be mean to each other and

23:23

feeling really crummy. Inside ring sound like

23:25

that's the dynamic that you're leaning

23:27

into instead of like. I

23:30

don't know. What? Else could you

23:32

be thinking about? We're. Leaving

23:34

your kids at school and have some

23:37

time. He this. I

23:39

mean also I'm so you have friends who

23:41

were great. See you in support of Seal

23:44

before you less the way where they are.

23:46

they getting any energy right now. Can

23:48

we may be have that do pick up

23:51

so you can place these of an aside

23:53

and put your focus on the friends of

23:55

I've been there for you sister thought. Who.

23:58

I love that! Testify! Hello! That that he

24:00

has like a picnic blanket in the novel.

24:02

He says yeah it would. Lean

24:05

into that adjunct professor know you love read

24:08

a exactly so that that his appearance is.

24:10

I don't want you out here trying to

24:12

win. By splitting with people's husband's I pick

24:14

up. You have one less you as

24:16

maybe a few years with his body.

24:18

The enjoying do something. That makes you

24:20

happy and so doing something that makes

24:22

other people said well said. This.

24:29

Is the evidence we need to take a

24:31

break. The only combat malaria some years and

24:34

advice of us. Citizens. And

24:45

in A and you're listening to their presence

24:47

and and I about tackle i last letter

24:49

for the day and a ready ready. This.

24:51

Letter is titled Guest Room. And

24:56

very lucky to have bought me three bedroom two

24:59

bath house when I did because the same living

25:01

cost in my area would have. Killed me

25:03

otherwise. And Santini have been

25:05

in a long distance relationship across the

25:07

state. Because he had his two teenage

25:09

daughters to care for on the graduated

25:11

high school, he permanently moved in here

25:13

with me. His work was closing his

25:15

old local location and you wanted to

25:17

stop printing. Despite having parents with modest

25:19

means, the girls grew up in an

25:21

extremely affluent area and bought into toxic

25:23

views of their peers that they are

25:25

owed the sun, the sky, and all

25:27

the stars for merely breathing. It has

25:30

been a huge source of conflict that

25:32

they expect their father to pay for

25:34

everything. But he gets know say on their

25:36

spending habits. They think we do not like

25:38

me because I support my partner and call

25:40

them on their Bs. It isn't their fathers

25:42

fault be didn't get to go to Bali

25:45

with their friends. They could do what every

25:47

person has done since the dawn of time

25:49

and get a summer job. They're both college

25:51

graduates currently living with their mother that she

25:53

is moving inland for work. The

25:55

girls don't wanna leave the state and happy. Bright. Ideas

25:58

to demand to move in with their food. It

26:00

me. I have a guest room

26:02

and run my home business out of

26:04

the other room. I agree to get

26:06

some twin beds and the girls could

26:08

move in a stay. got jobs and

26:10

paid runs. I honestly hope sat getting

26:12

out into the real world would have

26:14

first their bubble of entitlement. Instead they

26:16

doubled down over the holidays. They sneered

26:19

at me for daring to suggests they

26:21

share a room or pay. My home

26:23

business was just a vanity projects and

26:25

our father owed them after the trauma

26:27

of be divorce. My fiance was a

26:29

good and involved father who. Works himself

26:31

to the bone to provide for his children.

26:33

His ex even agrees that their children are

26:35

acting unfairly. I am ready to be done.

26:38

This has disaster posted all over it. My

26:40

fiance wants to get the girls another chance.

26:42

I think they have had enough chances and

26:45

needed to live some unpleasant length consequences. I

26:47

love my fiance, but the big reason we

26:49

have delayed our marriage is because of his

26:51

legal obligations to his children. They.

26:54

Aren't miners anymore? I don't know what

26:56

else to do here Help. So.

27:00

Everyone acts like marrying someone

27:02

with small children. Would. Be

27:04

A Bike! A challenging way of

27:07

having a blended family That my

27:09

strong opinion after looking through many,

27:11

many, many letters in my inbox

27:14

is that blended families with adult

27:16

kids. Are hugely and

27:18

to discuss source of anx and

27:20

stress and conflict especially in this

27:23

economy. Really tough enough people are

27:25

not gone and independent. At eighteen

27:27

I think it's one in three.

27:30

Adults eighteen to thirty four live in their

27:32

parents' home, so. If you

27:34

marry someone with grown children, you may

27:36

be dealing with these people for a

27:39

long time. And. You and

27:41

your spouse may have very different feelings

27:43

about their behavior and then title man

27:45

the desire to keep them safe and

27:48

comfortable. I think people need. Pre

27:50

Nup specifically about how to deal

27:52

with the adults who you raise

27:54

and taken idea stepchildren. what

27:57

with a pre nup look like to max. I

28:01

don't have seen as is the right way but

28:04

an agreement leg is a going to live with

28:06

as after age twenty they have to say this

28:08

mess in red yes or have to be in

28:10

school or this is how much money room give

28:13

them and this is how much we're not because

28:15

I me I just hate to say by see

28:17

again and again that the parent who gave birth

28:19

to their children the parent who did not just

28:22

have very very. Very different emotional

28:24

reactions. Especially when the

28:26

young adult is like not a

28:29

pleasant humans. I felt really sad

28:31

reading this letter because he didn't

28:33

like. Everybody is ceiling stressed and

28:36

pulled and wronged in different ways

28:38

with the fiance with the dad

28:41

ton of in the middle. You.

28:43

Know he's probably trying to. Make.

28:46

Everybody feel loves he added and

28:48

taking care of and he's in

28:50

an impossible spots. That's the thing

28:53

that I really thought letter writer

28:55

like hearing some of your frustrations

28:57

is there's just so much potential

28:59

for. Like the disaster waiting to

29:02

happen is the triangulation that become

29:04

essentially happen like you have clearly

29:06

like articulated to your fiance. Like

29:09

all the ways you think that

29:11

this is like his. Adult

29:13

children are not. Behaving like the

29:15

right kind of adults and somehow

29:17

even their mom has been consulted

29:19

on the right. So regular word

29:21

here and the adult children have

29:23

demonstrated that they don't respect your

29:25

work. They do think that it's

29:27

proper for them to expect to

29:29

be taken care of and brought

29:31

in and housed separately and the

29:33

other two bedrooms that are available

29:35

and you make do with your

29:37

business. I just think the first

29:39

Sep has got to be like

29:41

talking to your fiance about like

29:43

these. Kids. Who are

29:45

in your life in were in

29:48

your relationship? And you can't

29:50

excise them. And. If

29:53

they don't live with you there so gonna be in your

29:55

life and they're going to be in your life for a

29:57

long time. If you do get married so I think you've

29:59

gotta start. Were like. Where.

30:01

Your partner is on what his feelings

30:03

of guilt our earth regards to the

30:05

divorce in length but he thinks he

30:07

knows his kids. Need You've gotta talk to. That.

30:10

Cannot understand. Like seems like the letter

30:12

writer has a lot of sort of

30:14

judgments around the class identity and money

30:17

expectation of the kids. You know, I

30:19

don't know your background with Money Letter

30:21

Writer, but it seems like might be

30:24

different from the affluent neighborhood that they

30:26

grew up in and and so I

30:28

think it's just starting. Like if we

30:30

were to revisit this question of can

30:33

they live with us What is the

30:35

timeline? What? Kind of rent

30:37

to we expect from them and what are

30:39

the conditions for living in our home. And

30:42

figure that out in your relationship

30:44

and then communicate that. To

30:47

the grown kids. So it's not just

30:49

coming from you letter writer because of

30:51

rain coming from you, it is gonna

30:53

blow up and year at a point

30:55

where like there's the potential to former

30:57

really beautiful relationship with these like young

30:59

adults who are some of the maids.

31:01

But right now the way it seems

31:03

like everything is sort of positioned, there's

31:05

just a lot of resentment fueling the

31:08

dynamics. And. I think the letter writer

31:10

is being really reasonable. She's not saying they

31:12

get nothing I want of in my house.

31:14

They're adults, They can take care of themselves

31:16

and wonder if she really emphasizes that her

31:19

fiance as a good health because it's not

31:21

a black or white situation. It's not that

31:23

they get to move and take. Over the

31:25

office, get whatever they want and not

31:27

pay rent or we just send them

31:30

out to the streets and hope. For

31:32

the best I would want, Think about

31:34

what I could reasonably offer and will

31:36

not have to constantly monitor. says.

31:39

To me that with me. You. To consider

31:41

one room. And. Honestly

31:45

realistically, I

31:47

wouldn't expect them to pay rent. Because.

31:50

What's gonna happen? The first met their weight

31:53

on rent. their saw it on rent I

31:55

had suddenly you're going to be chasing them

31:57

down, telling your husband to chase them down,

31:59

Giving mehmet ninety. The notice is it seems

32:01

like a huge source of tension. I'd rather put

32:03

a time limit on it. So. You can

32:05

live here for two years until you get yourself

32:07

together. And. Then you gotta

32:09

go. Rather, Than I creating

32:11

a situation. Where you have to monitor? Did. You

32:13

apply for a job? Did you get a a

32:16

spending too much of your paycheck? Have you states

32:18

have me yet Letter writer? I don't want you

32:20

to create a situation where you're policing them. Am

32:23

and stressed over their responsibility or

32:25

lack thereof every week and every

32:27

month. And there's the added benefit

32:29

assessing room than it's kind as

32:31

Short Circuits had had. Become sources

32:33

of conflicts of legs are they

32:35

allowed to have overnight boss sledgehammer

32:37

happens, you know, and if you're.

32:40

Sharing a room with your sibling like you

32:42

probably are less likely to bring a guy

32:44

home from the really good place. but I'm

32:46

really really good night. So. That's.

32:49

Interesting about not paying rent. that's it's like what

32:52

if they need the money? Well.

32:54

I don't think they do this. Okay, right now

32:56

I'm A. I like the idea of them paying

32:59

rent. Bet I don't like my vision

33:01

of how that's going to play. Ah, because

33:03

again, I've read too many letters. read my

33:05

stepson. Said he couldn't afford rent the United

33:07

to Mexico. Or he

33:10

keep buying these expensive video games. And

33:12

if the money is not really needed

33:14

Letter Writer: I don't want you to

33:16

have that psychological. And emotional bird and

33:18

has it disconnects than this conflict. For.

33:20

The entire length of the time they're living with the i

33:23

want to see more, said it and forget it. But.

33:25

The twin beds in the room. Give. Them

33:27

a key and then it's not your problem

33:29

anymore. And letter writer you

33:31

know Alice. Alice had to be careful

33:33

of lately time people in their engagements.

33:36

Images that is, your fiance is not

33:38

standing up for you when it comes.

33:40

See. Getting to keep your office. And.

33:43

As the saying yes. My daughter's to

33:45

get whatever they want. Move your. Sas I

33:47

want them in here with no conditions

33:49

he may wanna Kind of continued to

33:51

delay getting married anti gun the same

33:53

page about that because as soon as

33:56

they see I dated a happiness and

33:58

and also says a lot about. How.

34:00

Much he's going to prioritize. Yeah,

34:02

yeah. Whether. It's the

34:04

relationship or it's like look at this

34:06

great house that I've landed with this

34:08

woman who as cool as the against

34:11

to see yeah everyone moves and specific

34:13

the a family home says. Okay,

34:19

those are the questions we have for

34:22

this week. It's sense and as always

34:24

and hopefully helpful and I think you

34:26

so. Let's thank you for having me

34:28

subscribed to intercept Stack newsletter from somewhere

34:31

within a sale and listen to Death

34:33

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podcast. Do you need help getting on

34:37

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34:40

general? Forward/

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Nicely. Dot Com Forward/p

34:47

R U D I C

34:49

Dear Prudence Column Publishers every

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stays and if you'd like

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and made in a Desmond has

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as mean Harris Until next time.