0:00

Small some Humphreys on the

0:02

road plugins. And cream cream and

0:04

logins, streets organ living the dream that

0:06

that's or a joke, book and moguls

0:08

tickle in the clip inside your head

0:10

didn't love. ah they said it can't

0:12

be when the same seats. That. Models

0:16

I spent over job at the Park

0:18

Kiss kiss kiss or much because Google

0:20

it opens book and muggle a pdf.

0:24

Would. Have you been since Nine Eleven? Are

0:26

very serious. Well I mean have

0:28

you pay attention but fucking Scotland's had

0:30

really shit Pr in the last forty

0:32

eight hours now they're really want a

0:34

confectionery that i that not issue is

0:36

that the ensure his leg of like

0:38

as someone that and and runs a

0:40

business and created something where people are

0:42

going a common pay for it she's

0:44

like that as the anxiety dream. That

0:47

everybody who create has his exile he drew

0:49

of just go in that terribly wrong will.

0:51

the The important thing to remember is the

0:53

creator of this and can you bring up

0:55

his name because I absolutely fucking want to

0:57

out him So any to I think Elliott

1:00

a little bit more intel on this certain

1:02

has I saw that advertisers like was a

1:04

I generated one it was the original artwork

1:06

so this guy is well that's and the

1:08

those you have a good i are to

1:10

just google Willy Wonka Glasgow This absolute charlatan

1:13

whose only job before this was a gang

1:15

people to donate Christmas toys for fun. And

1:17

then going away with the toys. This

1:19

is the guy who were talking to

1:21

us. He's got history and please call

1:23

an artist raised or artist through and

1:25

through. He is a bad bad bad

1:27

bad man at he is as self

1:29

published author on Amazon he has Rain

1:31

or I will that he hasn't in

1:33

a single book. It's all a I

1:35

he's just eat. Here's the thing about

1:37

con Artist right? is there some colonize

1:39

who were really really good at what

1:41

they do? They tricked people and they

1:44

find a hole in the fucking system

1:46

that nobody else. Has seen and they get it

1:48

and it takes it as well to catch up in.

1:50

This. Country is so dumb he

1:53

thought nobody else in the

1:55

world. Has. Thought of get

1:57

an ai to write books. mount

1:59

everest We just don't do it because AI isn't good

2:01

at writing fucking books. You dumb piece of shit. Does he

2:03

proof with AI written books? Nope, no. And

2:06

then give it a good edit though. His name is

2:08

Billy Cool. Billy fucking Cool. Billy Cool. C-O-U-double-L.

2:11

Okay. Aye. Aye.

2:14

He publishes them and

2:16

all of the reviews on Amazon are AI

2:19

generated reviews from other accounts that he's done.

2:21

He's just decided that even though AI has

2:23

been the number one thing in the news

2:25

for the past year that

2:27

he's sneaky and he's smart and he's the

2:30

head of the curve. And that's why all

2:32

of the advertising for the Willy

2:34

Wonka thing was just horrific spelling mistakes

2:36

because it was just an AI thing

2:38

scanning Willy Wonka stuff, putting it in.

2:42

It's awful. Like he should be,

2:44

he should absolutely be arrested and jailed for

2:46

a very, very long time.

2:49

Like Shirley has got a refund of about,

2:51

watch this. No, no, no, this is something else.

2:55

Okay. Everyone's going to get

2:58

refunded, right? Yes. It's

3:01

nobody, because not that it was saying it was that

3:03

like it was supposed to be this immersive theater like

3:05

walking around and take you like half an hour to

3:07

an hour to complete the thing and people were like

3:09

through in five minutes. What the fuck was that? Man,

3:12

what do you remember about Willy Wonka,

3:14

the movie? River as a

3:16

chocolate. Describe the amount of food.

3:19

Omelema is wearing coconut bras. How

3:26

many sweets would you say Willy Wonka has shown with that

3:28

tree? Oh, like hundreds

3:30

of thousands. Very good.

3:34

And also candy canes. Yeah, and abundance.

3:36

Yeah, uh-huh, limitless. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's

3:38

made of sweets. Yeah. Not

3:40

one fucking jelly bean par child like

3:43

your straight out of Jack and the

3:45

beanstalk, right? So was it like

3:48

not even Hansel and Gretel's crib? No,

3:51

no, man. Not that it was theirs. I mean, I suppose

3:53

it was after the Kilda that squirt us

3:55

right. I feel very sorry for all

3:57

of the poor actors and actresses who...

4:00

who were employed to be the

4:02

public faking part. She looked mortified,

4:04

the iconic photo of the miserable

4:07

looking wife of green hair at the

4:09

bar. Poor

4:12

her. She took a job.

4:15

She was conned as much as the public, but

4:17

she's now the face of the... Yeah. Well,

4:20

to be fair, because of how good it looks.

4:22

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was also because, man,

4:24

she knew. She knew she's handing out one jelly

4:26

bean and a half a cup of lemonade to

4:28

these kids. Was that what it was? A jelly

4:30

bean? Ah. A child? A

4:33

jelly bean part child. A jelly bean? Yes.

4:37

Ah, jelly bean part child. You

4:40

get a golden ticket.

4:44

You get more from the chocolate bar, you got the golden ticket in,

4:46

and then you get some of the golden ticket. From

4:50

what I've read and understood, obviously the

4:52

parents who were absolutely rightfully angry were

4:55

apparently being decent enough to the public

4:57

face of people, knowing full well that

4:59

they've just been employed. But

5:03

it was one of those times where I go, fuck, I wish

5:05

we were French. That Billy Coos.

5:08

All of the actors and actors, all the Oompa Loompas,

5:10

should have been like, by the way, he's out the

5:12

back, our employer, and they

5:15

should have gone outside. Who did he have

5:17

as Oompa Loompas? Did he get little people?

5:19

No, no, just regular fucking unit, like fucking

5:21

six foot men. Yep. Get

5:24

them to go out the back, get some

5:26

fucking, get some nerd rope, wrap

5:28

it round his fucking leg, neck, throw it

5:30

over the top of a candy cane, and

5:33

fucking sugary lynch the cunt.

5:36

He's like, you want him dead? Absolutely, he's a

5:38

con artist. The next thing he's going to do

5:40

is just going to be another con.

5:43

Because my worry when I saw how big

5:45

it had blown up, like, I

5:47

was like, oh, someone's going to kill this ill here. But

5:50

like, people like that don't. No, they don't, they're con

5:52

artists. If people who were con

5:55

artists and got found out they'd been caught con

5:57

artists, killed themselves, Donald

5:59

Trump would not be. the

6:01

Republican front-runner. He's

6:03

just... I'm going to make a

6:06

fucking call right now. This guy

6:08

comes out in the next four weeks and claims mental

6:10

health issues. I'm calling it right now.

6:13

He comes out, he's all caught learning difficulties. It's

6:15

like, well, not really. You can tell, you've seen

6:17

your business. That's all on a boot. Trump

6:22

might kill himself though. He's seen that

6:24

his bond was about $480 million. If

6:28

he hung his cell, he would just fall out of his

6:30

skin. His skin would be hanging from the noose and he'd

6:32

just be fucking on the floor, just to have a fucking

6:35

flesh and bones and just get up and start going, wow.

6:37

Like a candra. But I don't know what a

6:40

candra is. Oh, you will. You will. I will

6:42

know what a candra is if I know to. It's

6:44

ominous. It's a missed born. You're going to find out

6:46

what a candra is and you're going to be like,

6:50

that was actually a superb reference from Daniel.

6:53

Yeah. His lawyers wrote an 1800 page

6:55

document on why he should only pay $100 million.

6:58

He might

7:00

not have the money. Only a

7:02

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your order, having a couple of drinking

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responsibly. And as

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always, thank you for the support. This

7:53

election is going to be so fucking

7:56

interesting because both front runners are hugely

7:58

like the worst choices either. party could

8:00

come up with. But both sides

8:02

are doing their best to

8:04

lose the election. Joe Biden

8:07

could end the war

8:10

in Gaza with a phone call, just like

8:12

Ronald Reagan did in the 60s or

8:15

70s when Israel was doing his own thing. Ronald Reagan

8:17

phoned up and went, stop that right now. And the

8:19

bomb started flying. And Ronald Reagan famously said to his

8:21

advisors, I didn't know I had that sort of power,

8:23

whether he was being sarcastic or whether it was like

8:27

I'm going to, because America's

8:30

the only ally who fucking edit, but

8:32

he's not doing it. So he's losing

8:34

Muslim voters. He's losing other people. He's

8:36

losing liberal voters. He's losing young people,

8:38

fucking voters, which is absolutely insane. And

8:40

Donald Trump, the self-made self-made millionaire who

8:42

is poor as fuck, right? And it's

8:44

only getting poorer. I can't afford any

8:46

of these things. Keeping up this fucking

8:48

image is destroying the Republican. Why he

8:50

has destroyed the Republican party for the

8:54

day. 70% of Americans agree

8:56

with birth control and are right to

8:58

access to abortion. Republicans are

9:01

banning IVF because they're saying

9:04

IVF, those little things, those are human

9:07

beings. So again, taking

9:09

IVF away from a country of 300 million

9:12

people in a first world country is

9:14

insane. Like it's just neither

9:17

of them are too good. They just go, I'm going to

9:19

do the stupid thing. I'm going to do the stupid thing.

9:21

I'm going to do the stupid thing. It's like, I think

9:23

the voter turnout this year is going to be three. Nobody's

9:27

going to vote for any of these guys. And that's the only options

9:29

you don't have. Hey, um, that

9:32

answers the age old question of what comes first, the chicken

9:34

or the egg? Because if an egg is a chicken, then

9:37

the chicken came first. Republicans

9:40

have figured that one out. Yeah, chicken. So

9:42

now, um, there's apparently a part, like people

9:44

on TikTokers saying though, that because now the

9:46

law in some states is stating the IVF

9:49

are humans, that you can claim them as

9:51

child tax benefits. So

9:53

you can steal money from your local government. You

9:55

can get benefits by having ovaries. because

10:00

you've produced multiple eggs, you could

10:02

technically clean them all as beneficiaries

10:04

and make money. Incredible! Well,

10:07

I believe they might actually have to go

10:09

back on it because it's too big a...

10:12

Oh, I'm going to lobby for the Republican signs

10:14

here, spurs are people too. Mm-hmm. Oh, now I

10:16

get them for Mera. No, mate. You're

10:20

not smeared, that's zero killing. Well,

10:24

that looks accountable. Hotel

10:26

Curtin, doesn't that? You

10:28

know what, I'm not kidding, I've never had it. FYI,

10:31

I've never done that. You get points in your life and

10:33

so if you had spunk, it touches any of the hotel.

10:36

Well, I've got points. Have you? Not intentionally.

10:39

Oh, like, the inside of the toilet doesn't count.

10:42

I think the floor of the shower does. Like,

10:44

I've not done that, but I know people have. I've obviously

10:46

stood in the shower going, aight, people are spunk on this.

10:49

Oh, that's why you spunk! Spunking tissues, put it

10:51

to the toilet, or cutting the middle man if

10:53

you've got no self-respect and just fire it straight

10:55

to the lobby. Like

10:57

a shite. Right, what? Right. Well,

11:00

I don't, right. So, I can piss in

11:02

the shower, but I can't come in the shower. Aight. What?

11:06

You mean what? You

11:08

mean what? What do you mean, what do you piss in the shower? Aight.

11:11

Right, but your mom? You can't help yourself, you're like,

11:13

oh, here it comes. That's

11:15

because your fingers up your arm. Especially

11:17

if you do the cold, get in when

11:20

it's cold, the minute it starts turning warm,

11:22

you're like, oh, normally. You

11:25

piss in the shower, but you'll not come. You'll let

11:27

your piss go to the toilet. Yeah, there's levels to

11:29

this shit, like, spunk is in the same, like, what

11:31

you're saying to me, I like, spunk's in the same

11:33

category as shit as a bodily fluid. No, no, no,

11:35

no, no, no, no. That's not in

11:37

with snot. It is. If I sneeze on

11:40

you, I can apologize and get rid of it. And

11:45

the apologies kind of fix my friendship with my spunk

11:47

on you, Daniel. No,

11:50

but in the sense of like, what it does to the...

11:52

Shit, it's not as bad as... Oh,

11:54

right, you know, if I started shit, right, I'd be

11:56

like, oh, I started shit. Motherfucker,

11:58

if I started shit... on a journey

12:00

and it splits and I've got spunk on my foot.

12:04

I'm burning that talk to the ground. Just

12:09

like clogs up the drain though. Oh

12:11

man, I know. It sets like

12:13

a fucking boiled egg like when the hot

12:15

water hits it. Oh man, there's no

12:18

worse day. Piss it going straight dude and

12:20

getting washed away. There's no worse day

12:22

of my fucking month than the

12:24

day that I have to get my fucking madagal gloves

12:26

out up to the fucking airboats. I'm going to get

12:28

a lot of caras hair from the thing. Oh,

12:30

you're spunked. Dang enough with that. That's why

12:33

I have to. I'm a former republican. That's

12:35

a human being. Yeah, I've tried to resuscitate

12:37

one. Squelchy

12:39

compressions. Every

12:45

time, every month when I do that,

12:47

I'm like, man, you know, I get

12:49

your point. I'm like, man, that's

12:51

amazing if you just did that down the toilet. What?

12:55

Just before I come, I'm going to fucking waddle slowly by

12:57

the way so I don't slip on the floor and set

13:00

my net. That's why it's better to

13:02

be in good shape if you're going to be doing that stuff. You don't want

13:04

to catch that side log in the mirror. Yeah,

13:06

if you're ripped, you've got the bees and all that and you catch that in

13:08

the mirror, it helps you. I'm

13:10

fucking gay for myself, yeah. But

13:15

pissing in the shower is not a thing. That just mixes in with the

13:17

water. That guy's in the drain. It's gone. Not

13:20

a trace. Maybe it's a trace

13:22

but not like a trace. That

13:25

the sinus has done a forensics. You're telling me that

13:27

I can't come in the shower feels like fucking I

13:29

don't know if you had parents. I don't know if

13:31

you must have. I'm a

13:34

sentient being. Does the type of parents that

13:36

you can't put oil down the... Oh

13:39

yeah, I don't do that. I

13:42

don't. I do. Pour oil

13:44

down the sink. I don't pour oil down the sink.

13:46

If I ever deep fried something, I'd

13:48

either put it in Tupperware or I'd put it

13:50

in a fucking eco

13:52

bag and put it out with the rest

13:55

of the food stuff, which I'm sure is

13:57

wrong but I don't care. And

14:01

little bits can fucking

14:03

go down. I'll tell you what, I put down the toilet

14:06

and cart lenses. No, I think these

14:08

plastics. No, it's bad

14:10

that, it's bad form. They

14:13

must dissolve. No, they must dissolve in your eye.

14:15

That'll be stupid. Yeah, wouldn't last the night. So,

14:21

like, they're gonna go in the bin. Not at

14:23

least to just discard them, like literally just fucking

14:25

over our shoulder. I'd wake up and I'd have

14:28

them like crispy fucking things and put them in

14:30

the leg and that. Oh yeah, your wife's under

14:32

the couch, woman, isn't she? Yeah, but you know

14:34

what, she's totally changed her ways. So

14:37

she's like, she's got a man to run out, she

14:39

wakes up and she's like, I am committed to a tidy house. She has

14:41

a little tea caddy, you know, what you put the tea bags on next

14:43

to my bed for, I can't have lenses. So

14:47

that's just got a place to put them, so she's gonna just fucking

14:49

flick them in at the atmosphere, end up with my hair. Just

14:53

treat them like boogers by wiping them

14:56

on the fucking bag. Because Natalie is

14:58

so prim and proper at

15:00

the look at that he would think that our house

15:02

was immaculate. And it is now, and has been for

15:04

a good month. And she

15:07

keeps on top of it, but our natural disposition is

15:09

to just leave turbulence

15:11

and I wake. Wow, you've seen our

15:13

house. Actually, not as bad as yours. I

15:15

explode in rooms. Also,

15:21

our house is just a fucking, it's

15:23

just the worst house to keep clean. It's just the

15:25

wrong shape and there's not enough. Too

15:28

many rooms are used for the same

15:30

thing. Like our living room is also

15:32

Caleb's playroom and it's attached to the

15:35

kitchen because it's open planted. It's just, and

15:37

it's really the cat's heart and

15:39

everything like. You've

15:42

actually had a really tidy house since I roasted you

15:44

in your Beth Man speech. I'm

15:47

glad that landed. You know, it's been immaculate since

15:49

then. What's the point of a bedroom? Well,

15:52

a bedroom's clear at the moment.

15:54

Occasionally, I'll go through massive bouts

15:56

of like, cleaning and stuff. You'll

15:59

do like, me like. a deep clean. Oh

16:01

yeah man I love it. If I'm in the right fucking

16:04

mindset for it, it's just super, I

16:06

mean I know every parent in the

16:08

world knows this, it's so fucking hard

16:10

and pointless to keep your house clean

16:12

when you've got kids. I

16:15

saw someone ranting on social media that day just going, look

16:17

I'll just make a deal to keep my house, I will

16:19

have it when I have guests. Aye. Like you're just getting

16:21

a macula for me, you come and run and I come

16:23

running again. It's going like I'll come

16:25

running and your fucking place will be a macula

16:28

and I've just got this misconception that it's like

16:30

that all the time. But you've targeted it because me

16:32

and my methods have come round and now

16:34

I go home thinking how's our house not like

16:36

that? And then you come to visit us and I make sure

16:38

how it's like that. You say why don't we just agree to

16:40

just look at what it is that it's lived in in Uganda

16:43

and each other's house like that? I do

16:45

love living in a tidy house so when it's

16:47

a tidy photo it's not my guest. It's the

16:49

best. I look

16:52

forward, I like having a tidy house and

16:55

I like it being fucking like really clean

16:58

and I'm really good at maintaining it for

17:00

a bit. But much like me keeping the

17:02

house clean is a lot like me keeping

17:05

staying in shape which is like when I'm

17:07

disciplined nothing takes me off the fucking path.

17:09

But then I'm like well might

17:11

as well crash the whole fucking vehicle. Yeah but if

17:13

you're like me as well you'll get to the point

17:15

where like you're exactly where you want to be, you've

17:17

stuck with a plan with your diet and your workout

17:20

and all that and you look at selling out and

17:22

right done. Back to the champions. The same with tidy

17:24

in a house, get your house tidy, done.

17:26

And then zero maintenance to keep it where it's

17:29

meant to be. Also

17:31

Natalie sent us a picture of the tour bus going in,

17:33

Cari's just sent us this, it looks fucking amazing, it looks

17:36

class and I was like I know Photoshop, I'll Danny's stuff

17:38

out of our kitchen and

17:40

hotel rooms. Aye,

17:42

I think that'll be different because. Because you're gonna

17:44

have guests. Oh and like more 11 space. Like

17:47

we're gonna have to have like good, we're gonna have

17:49

to have good systems in place. Also

17:52

I'm not as bad with hotels

17:55

now ever since

17:57

like the, I think

17:59

it was like the Germany stuff to her last year,

18:02

I was like, you know what? I'm actually gonna

18:04

separate my fucking bag because I've done

18:06

like the fucking morning routine of just cramming everything in.

18:08

I was like, I'm actually gonna do it. And

18:11

also, man, fucking drunk me. It's really

18:13

sound sometimes. When drunk

18:15

I use, it's got everything packed for the

18:17

flight in the morning. Fucking drunk I mean.

18:19

Well, sometimes- Everything charged. Oh, he'll charge everything.

18:21

He'll fold things that don't need to be

18:24

folded. You've only left out the toiletries that

18:26

you're gonna need like a toothbrush and that.

18:28

Everything else just took the way. He

18:31

brushes my teeth so good. Drunk me brushes

18:33

my teeth better than sober me. Sober me

18:35

gets bored when it's drunk and he just

18:37

goes. Do you ever get to the end

18:40

of the toothbrushes automatic? You know, I don't

18:42

know if yours is the same as mine.

18:44

I've had Phillips run and Brawn run and

18:46

they've both been very similar. And that like, it'll do 30

18:50

seconds and then give you like a buzz to change

18:52

the party of mouth. The quarter of the mouth that

18:54

you're doing. And then on the

18:56

fourth buzz after the fourth, Lord, I'll

18:58

go. And then that's your

19:00

done. I

19:03

never reached that. Oh really?

19:05

Never ever. Like

19:07

I reached the second buzz sometimes.

19:10

I'll do the bottom teeth and then get the buzz

19:12

and then do the top teeth. I'm

19:14

fucking. I'm not saying quarter as like-

19:16

Me. Quarter is

19:19

twice a day. That's me. Oh,

19:21

and then also like, so it's quarter,

19:24

quarter, quarter, of

19:26

quarter floss everywhere. And

19:29

then also the little fucking- Inter-idental

19:32

brushes. Inter-things in the back? Yeah,

19:34

I'll just start with them. It only fits in

19:36

these four teeth so it doesn't fit in the

19:38

rest. Different sizes. You can get 10 to two.

19:40

Yeah. I've got the second lowest size

19:43

and I can only do the front bottom. Or

19:45

you don't need to do these ones. You just do those

19:47

ones with actual fucking flossing. It's the back ones that you

19:49

need for those. And then even after all that, because once

19:51

I've got, once I feel like a floss, for like any

19:54

extra gunks come out- Or you could have like zips on

19:56

your cheeks and just like get right in there. Oh,

19:58

that would be good. Maybe that's what

20:00

the Joker was doing. He was trying to brush his teeth.

20:04

Good hygiene, very conscientious. Maybe

20:06

all those people that did the fucking Glasgow

20:08

kiss, you know that. They were just

20:10

making it easy for you to brush your teeth. Yeah, they were

20:12

actually very thoughtful. Still the reason the kiss is

20:14

because they know your teeth is going to be clear. I

20:17

think we can't even Glasgow kiss us.

20:20

So after I've done all that... Chelsea's

20:22

smile isn't it? Glasgow kisses a headbutt. Glasgow

20:25

kisses a headbutt? Glasgow

20:27

smile is actually, and I'm sure I've told this in

20:30

the podcast, that this was the thing

20:32

that gangsters, Glasgow gangsters used to do back in the

20:34

day. Which wouldn't be worse. Don't

20:36

be wrong, it's not as bad as the Mexican cartel shit you

20:38

hear. But the Glasgow version of it, they

20:40

would get a credit card, and on either

20:43

side of the fucking thin credit

20:45

card, they would put two razors.

20:48

So they would have sent a millimetre apart, a card

20:50

thickness apart. Because if you cut

20:52

someone's cheeks with just a fucking razor, that's

20:54

actually really easy to stitch back together and

20:56

fucking heal. But if you do

20:59

this and you basically gouge out a fucking bit

21:01

there, you're leaving them with permanent scars for the

21:03

rest of their fucking lives. And then you give

21:05

them some southern vinegar crisps. Yeah.

21:07

Is that after care? So

21:11

even after I've done all my flossing,

21:13

I will do another short

21:15

two bars run around top of the

21:17

mouth with... Here's another observation I've made

21:20

of my toothbrush. It's

21:23

passed us by for however long I've had electric

21:25

toothbrushes, right? So you

21:27

turn it on, and it's buzzing, and then

21:29

there's two more settings that you have to rotate through

21:31

to turn it off. You have to go... The

21:34

one where it does light out, which I guess

21:36

is if you've got sensitive gums or something, or

21:38

it's a bit too much for you to have

21:40

everyone on. That was for cleaning the toilet. For

21:42

cleaning the toilet? Yeah. And then there's

21:44

the next setting, which I always just brush past. Pardon

21:47

the pun. But I stopped, and I was like, I stopped, and I

21:49

was like, what the fuck is that extra setting that I'm going past

21:52

here? And I stopped running, and it was a dildo setting. It was

21:54

like... Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz.

21:56

Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz. It's

21:59

like... Who uses this on a cliff? It's

22:02

the toothbrush equivalent of the third setting

22:04

of Christmas lights. Anyone who

22:07

eats this? Who's this for? Who do you give

22:09

or use this? I

22:11

give them this fucking really random setting.

22:15

Is that like one toothpare? No

22:17

one. And then

22:19

on your next tooth. Who's

22:22

doing that? It's absolutely dildo setting. If

22:24

my toothbrush identifies as a dildo, just be who you want

22:27

to be, little guy. First, I don't

22:29

use dildos. I mean I have used them.

22:31

You use them on people? I've

22:34

used dildos on people. Weild them. Alright.

22:38

Did you wield? I don't know why there's other

22:40

sets. I don't know if women's... They're

22:43

all different dial. I

22:45

know women's cams are different from fucking

22:47

men's cams. But nothing would be more

22:49

frustrating for me getting a fucking handjob

22:51

than halfway through the person

22:53

giving me a handjob. Changing up

22:56

tempos. It's consistency. Handjobs are

22:58

fucking consistency. Same thing. Don't

23:01

go... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

23:03

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

23:05

oh, oh, oh, oh... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm

23:10

like... I'm not totally against that.

23:12

You can do that if you want. Come

23:14

back on. Engineer a

23:16

little bit. No, I have no patience

23:18

for that. Rattlerdude, I know. He's

23:21

fucking rattlerdude. What are you playing at? We've got five

23:23

minutes to get to sleep. Fuck it. Who's

23:27

this for? Because it's not me. Well,

23:30

it's like... I've always

23:32

noticed in the sentence of fucking vibrators, like

23:34

they proper mix it up. Maybe that's good. Maybe

23:38

that's what it's just like being fucked by a bloke, which

23:40

is fast for 20 seconds. And it's like,

23:42

oh, oh, oh, oh, don't move. Don't move.

23:46

Slow, slow. Maybe

23:48

that's just the ultra-realistic setting. Yeah,

23:52

when you just stop for a bit. Stop for a

23:54

bit and buy some time. Buy until

23:56

the buying time is going to come. Can

24:00

we change positions? What

24:06

were you gonna show us here? I'll

24:09

just put it on but like just It's

24:11

just a little gist so there's a prompt at the

24:13

bottom which is describing what it is But

24:17

all of these videos are completely generated

24:20

by an AI Okay,

24:22

this is real. I Mean

24:24

that was a dog being a cat Like

24:27

some of them are real that's got to be

24:29

real that's good I hope it's not animated like

24:31

you just give it the text Also,

24:34

they've just oh, this is pretty good.

24:36

That's yeah, that's just Nobody

24:40

created that in their computer program

24:42

or no I Used

24:44

footage of an actual lizard that dog isn't actually

24:46

taking a selfie with a selfie what if the

24:48

selfie cameras in its body? Yeah, it's not the

24:52

Close there without the dog and not like if

24:54

the single went that close to the dog This

24:58

one's probably the best I got it I

25:01

fucking guarantee in both the Tory party and

25:03

the Republican Party there is And

25:06

in Argentina and fucking Brazil and in Russia

25:08

and all these fucking super corrupt

25:11

Parts of the world they are looking at this

25:13

and they're like right Joel

25:15

Biden Fingers an

25:18

altar boy. Yeah in the in the

25:20

fucking White House fucking green room And

25:22

they did the same angel by the

25:24

rest of it already comes up Yes,

25:29

so they're not releasing it yet, and they're

25:31

just showing examples, but they're planning to release

25:33

it next year And oh

25:35

like that's gonna be the way Form

25:38

of news. Yeah, well no no won't

25:40

be it's just be the end of democracy chaos

25:43

ensues That

25:46

really won't go land that I'm looking at there. It's just the

25:48

news show you Did you see

25:50

because it was written by an AI? There

25:52

was a made-up character that isn't in the

25:54

books called like the shadow man or something

25:58

It was just a bloke in like a default Halloween

26:00

costume behind the mirror just because the AI

26:02

was told to write a script about Willy

26:04

Wonka And then they put it know what

26:06

really wonka is So it just made up

26:08

a million guys did the higher how many

26:11

stuff was there working on this place? I'm

26:13

a shadow man and there's the other one.

26:15

There were three wonkas Too

26:18

too many wonkas I think you just need one wonka

26:20

I'll send that if you're gonna be doing like yeah

26:22

Yeah, it was the plan was to

26:24

like rotate them around like somebody takes one group

26:27

in and then once that groups halfway through a

26:29

second Wonka leaves a second group in So

26:33

they missed it was supposed

26:35

to be like immersive theater like what

26:37

they'll have at universities University studios universe

26:39

Wow Hi,

26:41

that's it for our last one. Hi Deepest

26:45

as fucking simple. She's gonna jelly beans and

26:47

that's the guy behind the mirror. Oh This

26:52

is get him fucking jailed man get

26:55

Billy cools Behind fucker

26:57

because he's just gonna do it again He's

26:59

just gonna find it's gonna be another AI scam in

27:01

fucking three fucking brothers all he's got. He doesn't have

27:03

any talent What was it? What was it for a

27:06

ticket? 45

27:08

45 quiz I shush now par picture

27:11

old Another old no, I'm

27:13

pretty sure it was like for that 45 is

27:15

if you want to take if you want to

27:18

detect Oh, it's a hundred quid for a family

27:20

family family or four Yeah,

27:22

Wow in a he was new at a

27:24

vision he decided took their ticket money and

27:26

let them do it No, he wasn't there

27:28

like facing the media on that I got

27:31

the Billy cools is at home right now

27:33

And instead of hiring a fucking lawyer He's

27:35

just type what would a lawyer say

27:38

into chat GBT and it's like my

27:40

lawyer has Suggested that

27:42

and then just fucking a

27:44

no fielding routine I'm

27:47

surprised awesome cues one to block for just because of how

27:49

the internet is What you

27:52

know like it just just the fact that like

27:54

people aren't going to it just to say that they've

27:56

been and all that sort of stuff Makes

28:00

direct fucking nukes. Fucking...

28:05

Fucking bull from a man who can't win a war against

28:07

Ukraine. Yeah, it's the 20th time in the last 20 years.

28:09

He said he's gonna nuke people if we send troops to

28:11

Ukraine. Fucking mad gook, mad gook,

28:14

mad we've seen how shit your fucking army

28:16

is. Fuck yes. Right. Yeah,

28:18

we're gonna get nuked, right? The British Isles are gonna

28:20

get nuked. Right, but for

28:23

some reason you get a phone call. I get

28:25

a pick. And you have to pick somewhere. Oh,

28:27

okay. How many nukes do I get?

28:29

You got one? You

28:31

got one nuke. Fuck.

28:37

Okay. Okay.

28:39

It's not gonna be London. Nah. You'd

28:42

lose a lot of friends if you look nuke

28:44

London. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the infrastructure of the

28:46

country would arguably be fucking... I know a lot

28:48

of good people on them. Obviously,

28:52

a very... My... My...

28:56

My... Swansie, because I've got points

28:58

pending. Fucking

29:02

yeah, Swansie, they're gonna lose me license. Oh, I

29:04

don't have points pending. It would be fucking... Let

29:06

me get a man for the UK up and

29:08

I'll tell you where we're bombing. And

29:11

how... What's the... Can I ask the size of the nuke? How much

29:13

am I getting rid of? What's the... Oh yeah, yeah,

29:15

yeah. What's the... You're taking out

29:17

City. Unless you're picking like London or

29:19

Birmingham where you're taking out the district. Okay.

29:24

Right. Oh, I mean it is going

29:26

to be near London. I

29:29

feel... Like I'm looking

29:31

for... Middle... Oh,

29:33

maybe not. I'm looking for like Middle England.

29:36

Yeah, like this much. Tory voting. No,

29:38

no. Where we going? Peterborough

29:41

doesn't need to be there. Um...

29:45

So, what are you looking for? Like Henley-on-Tems

29:47

or something? Cambridge. Cambridge. Cambridge?

29:49

I'm just there. Coventry

29:54

could go quite comfortably. I

29:56

didn't think that would make the news. Nah.

30:00

Erm... I think just don't remember what that...

30:03

Oh! Even though we were just there and I

30:05

loved the crowded stuff, but obviously anyone who comes

30:07

to see me aside, but that doesn't mean the

30:09

rest of your city's like... I

30:12

mean, you could do Sheffield. Oh,

30:14

I don't know. You know

30:16

what though, it's like, I've got a soft

30:18

spot for Sheffield, it's like an industrial, working

30:21

class city that's like lost its

30:23

industry a little bit, I don't think. They're for

30:25

my glory, aren't they? Yeah.

30:28

Erm... Tell you what, can Nuke

30:30

Manchester like, and just put Newcastle through at the semi-finals?

30:33

Oh, Manchester could go. Just

30:36

make the Premier League a bit more interested, you know? Oh,

30:39

yeah, Manchester's not a bad show. You know,

30:41

you're not Nuke in Manchester. Am I? Nah,

30:44

you're not. Why? Er...

30:48

Yes, I've got friends there, I guess. It's one of my favourite places

30:50

in the UK to keep... We'll work there, we'll ask. Like, we've got...

30:53

Yeah, but maybe I can do it. Maybe I can do it. Manchester's

30:55

our raid. The people we

30:57

know in Manchester are alright. I'm

30:59

glad you're not still Liverpool, because now we're hanging shit on

31:01

Liverpool. Oh, yeah, you know that. You're not... I'm

31:04

not looking at them. That's like, you'll fight with

31:06

your siblings and that, lad. We don't even want

31:08

them to get you off your bully. Oh, I'm

31:10

so sorry. Blackpool. We're

31:12

eradicating Blackpool. Uh-huh.

31:14

Yeah, Blackpool's fucking gone. Because

31:17

this thing, in Manchester, if I were to actually

31:19

Nuke Manchester, I would be spending the day before

31:21

making a lot of phone calls to people in

31:23

Manchester, and they're like, how you sound. I'd be

31:25

IRA-ing it. Uh-huh. And just to

31:27

let you know, to half the population.

31:30

Blackpool, I'm like, let's go now. Ah,

31:32

yeah. We are losing... You

31:34

should have done this myself years ago. Yeah,

31:36

man. Yeah, we are losing nothing. Nothing

31:38

if Blackpool goes. Do you think you

31:41

would have, if you were born and

31:43

raised in the 70s, do you think

31:45

you would have spent that 80s, 90s, like, a

31:47

guy doing on the buses to Blackpool for a

31:49

night out? For a night

31:51

out? You know, when it was, like, thriving. That

31:54

was, like, on a weekend, like, from Newcastle

31:56

Edinburgh. That's how Skag Boy starts, is the

31:58

trip to... Blackpool from Glasgow,

32:01

at Leif, isn't it? From

32:03

Edinburgh. But

32:05

Blackpool was a proper hotspot in the

32:07

UK. That was our Ibiza. But

32:11

can you imagine all the smoke and indoors

32:13

it would have been fucking stinking. Yeah, just

32:16

like the women. I

32:21

don't think. You don't think you'd be

32:23

part of that? No, no. It's like more for my people.

32:26

I don't think that was for your life. Do you want me

32:28

to have a privilege, how it works? Yeah, you were kind of

32:30

Blackpool. You would have looked

32:33

at them. I'm just here to see you. All

32:37

the work, all the world's crafters having a

32:39

nice time. You're like, fucking... I

32:42

don't think they're fucking voting for us. Can you crack

32:44

us now? Well, please Matthew, wonderful,

32:46

fizzly cross. Natalie had a dream that

32:48

she had in her fair. Well, it was loads of me friends. I

32:52

bet you I didn't make the cut. Yeah, you didn't.

32:54

Because it'd be a nightmare. Yeah, no. And

32:57

a fair Barry. Barry? Barry.

32:59

Oh, I... And she was saying

33:01

like, in her dream, Helen got mad at that and

33:03

she was so baffled in her dream, just going, eh?

33:06

That was Barry. I'm helping. I'm

33:09

helping you with Barry. You

33:12

know what Barry's behind? More than a handful. Yeah, I thought

33:14

you loved him. That's my wee. Very good

33:16

to fucking know that on the same video. I was tying my shoes. He

33:18

said, while you're doing that, what am I meant to do? Just

33:23

for reference, isn't it? Funniest thing that's ever

33:25

happened. Barry Castellore,

33:27

not only a very funny

33:29

comedian, but one of

33:31

the funniest people I know in my actual life.

33:33

Funniest man in the person, funniest man in the

33:36

WhatsApp. He's a wonderful director. He's a

33:38

wonderful producer. He is an excellent writer.

33:40

He's a multi-talent piece. Good lover. He's

33:42

so... Yeah, yeah, oh, man, I have

33:44

no doubt. A monster on

33:47

the set. Oh, yeah. An

33:49

absolute god... God-tear. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

33:51

Draft one pick if you're going out for

33:53

a set. Yeah. He's fucking Barry every

33:55

single time. He's

33:58

got this thing of just... saying

34:00

while you're down there if you probably tie your

34:02

shoes you bared over while you're down there obviously

34:04

meaning while you're down there give

34:06

me give me a blue chub or it can be cut on

34:08

like if you're a fucking baby you can say it by the

34:11

way his messes was

34:13

giving him hate and he said while you're

34:15

down there chewing it which to me is

34:17

tough why did I tell that you're gonna blow it

34:19

up? it's the funniest thing

34:22

to say tough

34:25

funniest thing to say while you're down there doing

34:27

a blow it up you started Deanies latest oh

34:35

so good so who else did you bang? I

34:38

had a no who else did you wife bang? I'll get rid of

34:40

it I just had a moment

34:42

where Peggy was barking when I was shagging

34:44

the other day and afterwards I just started

34:46

running at me is that you

34:48

barking? I took

34:51

off my thigh is that

34:53

what you think doggy started? is that you barking there?

34:56

that was Peggy so

35:00

I felt like you were fucking a baby DMX it's

35:06

not because you're a pedophile it's because you're a dog spark it's

35:08

not a real spark oh yeah that's

35:11

what I meant Matty

35:15

she banged Matty she banged Matty right and

35:17

she in the dream broke up with Matty saying that's

35:19

just gonna stay with me and

35:22

Matty went oh, I'm gonna go back with a flatmate like in that

35:24

dream? in that

35:27

dream? Matty went go back

35:29

with a flatmate and put me away she

35:36

cooked that up fucking here, seggy

35:41

roomie so

35:47

that was Matty's dream I

35:50

always have fucking dreams like and

35:52

I think they're like anxiety dreams right and

35:55

it's it's never

35:57

that I'm cheating right it's that I've

35:59

cheated She did. Right? That

36:02

was what she was saying about her dream. They weren't

36:04

sex dreams. It was just this awareness that

36:06

that was happening. But without it

36:09

happening. My thing... It's

36:11

just robbery. You didn't get to

36:13

shag people, you just get to deal with

36:15

the consequences. Bollocks. Oh no,

36:17

I'm really glad that Dream Me doesn't... As

36:19

frustrated as it is in some dreams where

36:21

you're trying to get fucking laid and you

36:24

can't get laid, it's disappointing to

36:26

not get the fucking freebie. Free sex dream. I

36:29

don't want to wake up with a pile of moon come. No.

36:34

No. You're just flinging it when

36:36

hotels really know what's the difference. It

36:38

contained it, it's like it's spraying everywhere. Oh yeah, sorry,

36:41

just to clarify there, I've come on other things in

36:43

hotel rooms. I just made the... There's definitely been a

36:45

time, I believe I was either in Dublin or Belfast,

36:47

and I knew it was offensive to get those mixed

36:49

up. I

36:52

think it was the same change. Anyway, I was

36:54

having a wank. And

36:57

it could have been a while since I'd

37:00

had a fucking wank because it went... It

37:02

was on my back and it fucking went

37:04

over. Over the fucking pole.

37:06

Man, it was like, man, you know a bit of Free

37:08

Willy. Full of... Right, it was that with

37:10

my cap. I was like, oh, what is it? Trying

37:14

to fucking catch it, it skinned me fingers.

37:18

It was fucking... Bro, and

37:20

then after that, I... It was my big... I've

37:24

said this before. Do you reckon you could fire it up and

37:26

catch it in your mouth? It

37:30

depends on long. I'm not a

37:32

particularly fucking... I'm

37:34

not slinging ropes, I'm not Spider-Man over here. Right. But

37:37

I'm not... Do you think you can get it in your

37:39

mouth, one shot, one kill? Like, you can do whatever you

37:41

want, you can even like, body posture,

37:43

legs, so gravity was just helping you. Could

37:46

you get it in your mouth from your cock, one shot, one kill? Yeah.

37:49

Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Fiber.

37:53

New special. A recording special. Man,

37:57

I can't imagine so much money. I

38:00

would fucking make if I were to release a video of

38:02

me coming in my own mouth on Onlyfans. Right,

38:05

at only 15% of the purchasers would

38:07

be people doing it for sexual reasons.

38:10

I'm less than that. Like,

38:12

I reckon zero. Excuse me.

38:15

Anyone's getting off on each other in the old

38:17

days. There are plenty of poofs out there who fancy

38:19

me. I don't think they want to

38:21

say that. I just want to actually make a

38:23

list of those. Hi. I'm

38:28

straight, but I didn't think I'd get off on watching

38:30

the last great night on my mouth. I'd definitely look.

38:34

Like, I'd 100% watch. I

38:36

think I'm wanking over that. I'm just watching.

38:39

I developed the ability to raise one eyebrow. You

38:44

don't see the videos of the girls that can like their own fannies. That

38:48

wouldn't do it for you. GJ, no, that's a

38:50

good one. Plus, they would put us off. They're

38:54

a girl looking a fanny, great. Girl,

38:56

I didn't think that would... I didn't think... They're

38:59

back octa... They're a

39:01

back octa... She went with the back. If

39:05

she went with the back, it looked like they were a fanny. I

39:08

mean, I mean... A contortionist. Nice,

39:11

nice. Oh,

39:14

no. I... The

39:17

ultimate hypocrisy of my life is

39:19

the fact that if

39:22

my cum touches me in

39:24

any way, it ruins my

39:26

whole fucking day. It ruins my whole fucking day.

39:28

I'm like, I just cross. I fucking hate it.

39:31

But if Kara were to be like, do I cum with my

39:33

tits? I'm like, this is the greatest day of my life. This

39:35

is every single time, 100%. As

39:37

much as I love Kaitlyn, and my son

39:39

is brilliant, fucking,

39:42

I'd lose loads of babies. One name. I

39:47

never ask you to take that load, either. Will

39:49

you cum on my tits? No, I mean... I

39:52

don't think that's... Farley doors,

39:54

they do. I guess I'll give

39:57

this a donation. I love the door. Look

40:00

at that! Actually

40:03

cut that! No,

40:05

no, no, no, this is who he is. After

40:08

one slider. Just

40:17

by now, listen to this. That would turn me on

40:19

so much. That's when

40:21

we spunked the head out. Oh

40:24

yeah, absolutely. It would

40:26

be a little bit of like, what's

40:29

she up to? What's

40:31

she doing? I'm an iron. She's

40:34

been shagging Barry. I

40:37

don't think I'm going to get to come

40:40

on Cara for a very little time. She's baby. She

40:42

wants baby. She wants baby. There's

40:44

no, like me coming on Cara's

40:46

tits would be the equivalent of like putting a

40:48

fucking three course meal in to have been for

40:50

her. It's way to the bench. She's

40:53

just gnawing for her at the moment. Nah.

40:57

Actually that would probably work with my face, I don't know the other way

41:00

around. Yeah, aye? Nah,

41:03

I don't want to spunk touching this, so I get it.

41:07

I wouldn't expect Natalie

41:09

to take a load of the face.

41:12

Because I wanted that. When

41:14

I couldn't reciprocate. No, but

41:17

if that said though, if

41:19

either of them were square eyes, I'd say they'd not give a

41:21

fucking shit. I've been on log flumes, I'm

41:23

like I'm alright. I

41:26

would also have had hard trade stuff that I didn't

41:28

want to do to get that.

41:31

Like what? I don't want

41:33

to be pissed on. But if your trade was

41:35

like, alright, he just me fizzed if I can piss on you. 100%.

41:37

Have you seen her as a spaggot? You

41:46

know what else I think my last is a no. She

41:49

could get me to do practically anything with

41:51

the promise of a blowjob. Like

41:55

she could be like, would you paint the garden fence? I'll

41:58

suck her after that. Even though she gives me a lot of money. me

42:00

blowjobs so they still happen

42:02

without me painting the fence. I

42:05

think being bossed around to get it

42:07

fixed is turn on. I have no

42:09

problem with fucking blowjobs being treated like

42:11

Scooby Snacks. Like Cara

42:13

just being like you need to phone

42:15

the bank to sort out the mortgage

42:18

payments that hasn't gone through. Cara you know

42:20

how much I hate being on phones I'd

42:23

rather not do it. You sure? I'll suck

42:26

your dick. What was the number? What was

42:28

the number? I thought I'd write it in

42:30

ragman twice yesterday. Well she's a shame because

42:32

I don't think, because here's the thing right.

42:35

First of all even I don't think I could

42:37

talk Cara De Zune as my promise and

42:39

her like and that's because she's like. Oh yeah

42:41

I. It depends on her like you're funny.

42:43

Well she'd be like I don't think I could

42:46

get you to lick my fanny on a wedding.

42:48

I think we're fine. I'll get your blowjob.

42:50

That's it. Like honestly I'm at

42:56

her mercy at that and I don't even think she

42:58

knows it. Mmm. There

43:01

you go. Hope she listens. I'm going to end bucks

43:03

at the tip of the door.

43:05

I might encourage Cara to be the only episode

43:07

that she's ever listened to. I sell a tip

43:09

of the headphones to the heat. And

43:13

the next thing you know I see me

43:16

painting a fence. Christ

43:18

Christ you're painting a fence. I've just done it.

43:20

Do you

43:23

know what I like in a class here today?

43:29

Aye buy stocks and be in Culek. That's

43:32

the last of the other's podcasts. Right

43:36

what's your fucking.

43:38

Oh pens. I

43:41

saw real life pens. What?

43:43

I saw real life pens penalties. Oh

43:46

right. You know what pens we

43:48

all know what pens are. And the two most

43:51

famous type of pens are the old

43:55

John Hancock and

43:57

two animal pens. Penitentiaries.

44:02

That's not what pen stands for! So I'd

44:04

scald in the pen when you go to the... Yeah, that's

44:06

what that is, but penitentiaries do it. But

44:09

when animals are in pens... That's gotta

44:11

mean penitentiary. Really? I

44:14

mean that does make sense, but I guess I'd never

44:16

mean it. I mean I don't know for certain, but

44:18

I'm safe assumption that penitentiary's

44:20

an enclosure. It's an

44:22

enclosure? God, that doesn't make sense. I can't believe I'm

44:25

not. I'm not the smart one. We're

44:28

both the dumb ones. Yeah, because we've

44:31

got a better mind like... There's also

44:33

a mis-relation. They're the dumb ones. They

44:36

know. Oh, there's

44:38

a genuine question for the listeners, right? No hard feelings. I'll

44:40

do my best not to think it grossly. Whether

44:44

it's in the fucking Discord, whether it's via

44:47

email... Who do you

44:49

think is smarter out of me and Kai? And

44:52

you. Do you think you're smarter than

44:54

us? Oh, that's a great way. It's

44:56

a smartness. It could be me, then

44:58

you, then Daniel. Yeah, send us

45:00

through either you personally, whether you think you're smarter than

45:02

both of us, or you're smarter than one of us.

45:06

Whether you think you're dumber than the pair of us. Or

45:09

whether you think our audience is smarter than we are,

45:11

dumber than we are. So how

45:13

do you even measure intelligence

45:15

in that way? Because not

45:17

knowledge retention. If

45:19

you look at an example, our friend

45:22

Ryan Cullen has such a big grasp

45:24

of knowledge of football. Who's signed for

45:26

who? What price? What

45:29

position to play it? He's memory

45:31

of football is good. But when he

45:33

talks to the Geordie lads who've played

45:35

football all their life, who've got a

45:37

football intelligence of how it's played.

45:42

He would seem more intelligent in the

45:44

conversation in the pub. But

45:46

he wouldn't be as intelligent on football as

45:48

someone like Grassy. So,

45:51

knowledge and application of

45:53

knowledge. Knowledge,

45:58

application of knowledge, and also we've got to be... be

46:00

very fair here. It doesn't

46:02

necessarily mean educated smart, there are

46:05

different types of whether it's... And

46:07

by educated, I mean, I

46:10

think we should include

46:12

self-education as education but I guess it's

46:15

just not fucking seen that way. But

46:17

there are people who went to university

46:19

who I know who were dumber than

46:21

people who left high school and

46:24

then just spend the rest of their teaching their

46:26

self things and keeping up to date on politics

46:29

and world stuff and reading

46:31

books on fucking the economy and stuff. So obviously,

46:33

actual education

46:36

schools does not. And

46:38

then you have emotional intelligence. Which

46:41

the thickest current in the world can be the most

46:43

compassionate. I'm emotionally

46:46

intelligent. Emotionally intelligent, isn't it though?

46:50

Absolutely. I

46:53

agree that I don't think my application of it all

46:55

the time is good. Mind you. Here's the thing, you

46:58

and kind of and my family, especially

47:01

you, you will see the anger

47:03

in me that I never actually apply to the

47:05

world. Like you've seen me wish

47:07

death on almost every person we've ever

47:09

walked past because of some small infraction

47:11

that I perceive to be against me.

47:14

I've never actually seen you be super polite

47:16

to everybody that works in the service industry.

47:19

Yeah, right. Just in case anyone's watching. Emotionally

47:23

intelligent. But yeah, I

47:26

mean, like I certainly

47:28

have like, I think the reason

47:31

I am emotionally intelligent is because

47:33

like I'm very aware that the anger I

47:36

have inside of me for things is really

47:38

fucking ridiculous and stupid. And that's why I

47:40

let out to close friends because they know

47:42

it doesn't fucking mean anything. I just need

47:44

to rant sometimes. Like for some reason, that

47:46

is just my letting off steam is just

47:49

and you're good at knowing it. Cara's good

47:51

at knowing it. Marlena is now very good

47:53

at knowing it, which is sometimes she's just

47:55

like, are you just doing this because you need to? I'm

47:57

like, yeah, like I just yeah. I'm

48:00

angry at the world and I don't want to yell

48:02

at anyone who doesn't

48:04

know me. You

48:08

know me and you know that this yelling is,

48:10

even though it's definitely to you. This

48:13

is me yelling at the human. The

48:15

catharsis, the catharsis. I was

48:17

kicking off to you about the PC. PC

48:21

is being shite. It's just going on.

48:24

You've got the Steam Deck which you can go to desktop

48:26

mode but now you have to download Prince of Persia from

48:28

Epic Games and then you have to log in even though

48:30

I don't want to play it online. I have to log

48:32

in there but Games is not letting us log in. I'm

48:35

just like, just give us a fucking computer where you can

48:37

play the fucking game that you purchased as soon as you've

48:39

got it. It'd be super smart so that you can get

48:41

into the back door of every game and change the fucking

48:43

swords for dildos or whatever the fucking is that you want

48:45

to do with the game. I'm having that rant to you

48:48

in the hotel lobby. The rant

48:50

was really, I haven't been able to

48:52

figure this out. Instead of admitting that I'm thick as

48:54

fuck, I'm going to get mad at the system.

48:58

I would be using snooze so now I'm on fucking nicotine

49:00

withdrawal because we're not using it. I

49:02

just want to rant about this and bless Gordon and Matt

49:04

Reed trying to change the subject because it looked like we

49:06

were falling out. Because you

49:08

were defending the Steam Deck. I was

49:11

defending it because I'm just like, man. You're

49:13

also like, oh, Kai's the only one here. I'm going to

49:15

fuel this and see what else he comes up

49:17

with in this rant. Sometimes

49:20

you want the combat. Sometimes you want

49:22

the, you're like, I need to fucking- You're

49:24

holding the pass for it. Yeah, yeah. I

49:26

need to spar here. I

49:29

get that with dad all the time. Yeah,

49:31

great. Family gatherings mean dad will argue about

49:33

some fucking nightmare sometimes. We're the one in

49:35

the situation changing the subject. We're happy that

49:38

they're like sitting in the corner and do

49:40

it. We'll get loud

49:42

and stuff, but it is like jost. I

49:45

don't even know whether there

49:47

are people there. Mental jousting.

49:49

Yeah, dad comes from a

49:51

family because Kim's the same. My dad's

49:53

sister is the exact same. Weirdly enough, I don't

49:55

think Sandra's the same at toys. I'm just a

49:57

bit less grand. Definitely not.

49:59

Grant and innocent victim and all of it. But

50:02

because you know, all right fair enough.

50:06

Grant loves to argue as well. Well

50:08

because I'm a golden boy. Just your Grant who I

50:10

knocked down with it. Nice. Jen.

50:14

Granny Jenny. Soft lip.

50:16

Aye. Which one? Aye.

50:19

Aye. I

50:22

didn't think it was an R Kelly Lane that

50:24

was Kistolips, but he's in navel. What

50:27

creepy line? Navel.

50:29

Man so. Last

50:32

night I was playing at Pal

50:34

Worlds with me two, the two alleys,

50:37

my gaming buddies, my friends from fucking

50:39

high school and stuff. A

50:41

big alley. I was fucking crying with

50:43

laughter. Just, I don't

50:45

know why it got out into his head, but he's like, we were talking

50:47

about R Kelly. Right. Because

50:50

he was like, you should have a podcast where

50:52

you just go to his jails and interview celebrities

50:54

that are in jail. And I'm like, man, you

50:56

know I can't hide my fucking disdain for anyone.

50:58

Like I don't think it's good to do that.

51:01

That's the Jamali Maddox podcast. That's journalism. You know

51:03

what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excellent, excellent fucking

51:05

shout. He was

51:07

like, did you remember the R Kelly gig

51:09

in Africa where he was just hitting on

51:11

women being like, do you have your passport?

51:13

Have you been tested for AIDS? But singing

51:15

it. Have you seen this? No. Oh,

51:19

I had completely forgotten about it because

51:22

R Kelly was doing what

51:24

R Kelly was doing in fucking

51:26

plain sight for years and years and years.

51:28

And me, Mal loved him. Linda,

51:31

hope we should gash burn for R

51:33

Kelly. Here we go. R

51:36

Kelly, the video is called R Kelly

51:39

recruiting girls in Ethiopia. You

51:41

want to? Oh, no, the headphones. I got

51:43

it. I got it. I

51:47

say it again. Did

52:02

you get your shot? Back

52:09

to America. And he

52:11

means the inoculations. He

52:17

doesn't mean like he's how you're drunk. He's

52:24

realised that if I was to just say this

52:26

to an audience member, people would be like, whoa,

52:28

that's gonna keep me being like, I'm the greatest

52:30

singer of a generation. A click? Back

52:37

with Rob to

52:40

America. This

52:42

is in the video. Fackin' singer.

52:45

Fackin' singer's about language. Imagine

52:47

that conversation. Imagine

52:50

the fuckin' pips were there. Sing it or none

52:52

of yous were coming back to America. How about

52:55

that? I've got your passports. You

52:58

want your passports back? You sing that? It's

53:00

so... Have you had your

53:02

shots? I can't stop singing

53:04

that song. It's been in my head

53:07

all day, just like what cat is

53:09

cooking our sun breakfast? I'm just like,

53:11

do you have your passport? Have

53:14

you had your shots? Do you want

53:16

to come back? Do you want to

53:18

come back to America?

53:22

America! Just me in

53:24

the back. America! Oh

53:32

my God. Who's the best? Why is

53:34

he in jail? He's in a... Is

53:38

this him banter? Openly

53:41

grooming in Ethiopia is

53:43

just a... That's a

53:46

little for our Kelly, that. People

53:48

are complex out

53:50

there. Don't

54:01

judge a book of spice cover! I

54:03

also don't want to have Loury choose a spin card again, see if

54:05

there's some good stuff. Space

54:13

Jelly is the card in the mirror, yeah? Space Jam.

54:16

Yeah. Oh, that's going to be

54:19

way too long, where are you

54:21

at? Nice, fair

54:23

enough. So,

54:26

I saw a wee life pen.

54:29

Oh yeah, sorry. I think we're pens as well. Penalties,

54:31

penalties. I've always had this bit of writing in my

54:33

head that I never think is going to be funny

54:35

as a joke, but it's there and I just don't

54:37

know what to do with it as a thought. You

54:41

get a typecast person that will absolutely hate

54:43

on anybody that shortens a word, like you

54:45

know Riz, like you know if

54:47

somebody says Riz for charisma, now you're going

54:49

to get a, let's say, Mark Nelson, who's

54:52

like, ugh, just staying at risk. You

54:54

know after you said Tote of Motion in front of Mark

54:56

Nelson, you know like a globe. You would get

54:58

Tote of Motion. You'd get Tote of Motion with that, but

55:01

like in the same breath you look at a guy

55:03

and a pen ref. I

55:05

hate both of those abbreviations though. Yeah,

55:08

so for Americans, pens

55:11

is penalties. It's PKs. I

55:14

saw a wee life PKs. Referee,

55:20

that's a penalty kick. Oh, you don't get soccer,

55:22

I'm sorry, it's not for youth. You don't get

55:24

to have it. Enjoy the NFL. You can use

55:26

a really good out, and you can have it,

55:28

and you can see your stupid shot. You think

55:30

you're thinking it would be bad at swearing? You

55:33

kind of enjoy football in the same way if you kind

55:35

of swear right? No. No.

55:38

So you put anger. Get better at anger.

55:41

If you can't, if you can't all call

55:43

the referee a fucking fat wanker, regardless of

55:45

the fact that he's ran more in the

55:47

space of 45 minutes than you have in

55:49

the past. You've masturbated yourself in

55:52

your own time, sir. He's

55:54

kind of a wanker. You're

55:58

a real jerk-off. Oh, just...

56:02

I put on a line as well, because I managed to get a hold

56:04

of a ticket. But Natalie wanted to come. And

56:07

I put out saying like... You

56:10

know if you put something like, I need a

56:12

ticket for the game

56:15

in Blackburn tomorrow, right? Looks like you're

56:17

running an event algorithm, fucksy. So

56:19

you put like, a ticket event.

56:22

Like, ticket place, date, or

56:24

whatever. Nobody's gonna say that.

56:27

But if you make it a joke, then

56:29

they'll get enough laugh emojis that it'll start circulating. And

56:31

there are people that need to say it, so that

56:33

you can have a ticket. Right, so it's just smart

56:35

to say, I was just like, if

56:37

anyone can get a ticket, Natalie, I'll show you, give you a peek

56:39

of my minge. Just make it

56:42

funny, make people laugh at it. It's

56:44

fun to have a person that had a ticket, and I got a ticket. Natalie

56:47

didn't know I posted that. I got

56:49

a message off one of our customers. Just

56:52

saying, oh my god, absolutely, how long the guy's

56:54

posting? She was like, what is it? And I

56:56

thought of it as a message off

56:58

a friend of hers who'd sent it, but

57:00

the text come along with it going, oh my

57:03

god, poor Natalie. I

57:06

would be so mortified if my husband did this.

57:10

Natalie's reading the account. And pity

57:12

is Theresa, I got a ticket. Also,

57:15

I've been with the account for

57:17

seven years. Is it convenient?

57:21

Send it by what he's saying. I got a

57:23

ticket though, incredibly quick. Not a bit. Still,

57:26

not good with my word though. Not

57:29

good with my word. No, village. Snake

57:32

with tits. Snake

57:35

with crack tits. So,

57:39

we went. We

57:42

ended up with good seats because the lad

57:44

who sorted Natalie with a ticket swapped

57:46

mine for his so that we got to sit

57:48

together and

57:52

were right behind the goal, which made it quite difficult to

57:55

see what was going on at the other side of the

57:57

pitch. You know, the goal keep, as I view the game.

58:00

There's a lot of shit going

58:02

on doing there, but your depth perception's gone by that distance.

58:04

So you're not aware of tactics or

58:06

anything like that, you're just confidently yelling

58:09

offside. Yeah, I'm slagging the

58:11

ref off, you're fucking joking, aren't

58:13

you? That was

58:15

in! So

58:18

when we were playing in there half, it

58:20

made it a bit tricky, but the action

58:22

areas around the goal, we saw the goal

58:25

as far as Matthews set away from us,

58:27

and then the penalties ended up in that

58:29

half. I've been

58:31

in a million games, I've never seen

58:33

penalties before, I've only ever seen penalties

58:35

in the pub or on my iPad

58:38

or watching it from afar to be

58:40

there, physically feeling that emotion and seeing

58:42

it right in front of you.

58:44

What an amazing life experience that

58:46

was. Absolute, didn't even, maybe

58:49

it was on my radar as my bucket list thing,

58:51

but it's not something you can try to achieve really,

58:53

it's just something that might happen to happen. You

58:56

couldn't plan to go see penalties. You couldn't plan to

58:58

see penalties. Given the option, you'd

59:01

say no. I

59:03

would have took a goal at any point

59:05

in extra time. I just got one far,

59:07

we've never lost a penalty shot in our

59:09

fucking lives. And I'm one for one in

59:11

real life, I'm watching penalty shots, so as

59:13

a football fan, oh my god,

59:17

the fucking nerves are insane. To

59:20

just go and write, this is how I feel, never

59:22

try and deny it, just

59:24

accept it, this is how you feel. What

59:27

a thrill that was. Absolutely

59:29

mint. And you act away again,

59:32

we could be beating Blackbird easily in 90 minutes.

59:34

We could be smashing them. Here's

59:37

a controversial fucking football opinion.

59:41

I think we should suck it up and

59:44

do what the Yanks do

59:46

when it comes to NFL and

59:49

basketball, which is nobody likes to

59:51

draw. I'm not saying extra

59:53

time every game, but in the fucking Premier

59:56

League, 90 minutes, whatever

59:58

added time there is. And then after

1:00:00

that, it's penalties. Because here's the

1:00:03

thing, people will still play for a- Small

1:00:05

teams will still play for a fucking draw.

1:00:07

Don't love it if they can play the

1:00:09

lottery. So they could maybe fucking win. And

1:00:12

then- And then- Yeah, absolutely fucking lutely. Man,

1:00:14

it would make every nil-nal finally fucking interesting.

1:00:16

You wouldn't feel absolutely robbed of 95 minutes

1:00:18

of your time. I'd

1:00:21

vote against that, only

1:00:23

to make the penalty situation, like,

1:00:25

quite exclusive. You

1:00:27

don't want that to be common. You

1:00:30

don't want that to be a common event. I

1:00:33

think that is like a rarity. It

1:00:36

makes it a treat when it happens. I

1:00:39

don't know, man. I'd say I'd love a penalty

1:00:41

shootout. Like, when I'm not in

1:00:44

one. Like, normally, I'd be like- If

1:00:50

there's a cup final with two teams, I don't have a horse in the

1:00:52

race. I take penalties every

1:00:54

time. My own team, I'm like, man,

1:00:56

that would fancy me chances. I

1:00:58

do wish they'd bring back golden goal. That

1:01:01

was fun. Well, if you don't know

1:01:03

in football, what used to happen was, if

1:01:05

it got to- if it was a draw

1:01:07

at the end of 90 minutes, they added

1:01:09

two- Next goal to win at? So schoolyards.

1:01:12

Oh, schoolyards. So good. What a fun fucking

1:01:14

rule. I can't remember what tournament it was,

1:01:16

but they played silver goal. Which

1:01:19

was golden goal, but not as good. If

1:01:22

you score in the first half of extra

1:01:24

time, and it gets to half time, that's

1:01:26

it. Oh, okay. So you

1:01:28

still got to play on for the remainder of that half, but

1:01:31

you could finish it early by getting the goal early.

1:01:34

No, not. Not for you. Not stinky poo

1:01:36

poo. Who's

1:01:39

that for? Not for me. Not for anyone,

1:01:41

not for the players, not for the fans. I've

1:01:43

been upset before, and I say that again, are we?

1:01:46

Yeah, just- Sweet. I do think I've said before, I've

1:01:48

said it fucking again. Premier

1:01:50

League, World Cup, wherever it is, nil-no

1:01:53

draws, right back out. Right

1:01:56

back out. Oh, yeah. Fucking break. Stay back out, do the

1:01:58

entire fucking- I don't care if I can talk- I

1:02:00

don't give a fucking charge here. People travelled

1:02:02

seven hours to watch this fucking game. They've

1:02:04

prepared. Aye, so fucking do it again. Score,

1:02:06

oh you're not good, maybe this next game

1:02:08

will be five, four then. Try

1:02:11

fucking harder. Stop playing so defensively, the

1:02:13

parity, you fucking losers. I

1:02:16

don't know, the 1.4 draw thing does make the league interesting

1:02:18

though. The claim, the long

1:02:20

haul of it. Short term. I

1:02:22

like it, but I'm not. Short term, you want the

1:02:24

fucking, you want the answer. But

1:02:27

like long term, the points on the board

1:02:30

thing. Before

1:02:33

we fuck off for

1:02:36

the end of this podcast, I'm going to

1:02:38

do some thank yous. And we

1:02:41

are, when is this coming out? Right,

1:02:44

so. Yeah, it's a public episode. Right, great, so

1:02:46

after this, it will be Greece. I can't imagine

1:02:48

we've got too many fucking listeners.

1:02:52

We're gonna be in Athens. In Athens on the

1:02:55

Friday. Then the Istanbul. Which

1:02:58

I keep saying, Istanbul, and I don't know where that came from.

1:03:00

I accidentally kept saying, in Istanbul on my

1:03:02

channel. I just took it away for it.

1:03:04

It was, Instagram. In, in, uh,

1:03:06

yeah. It's Istanbul. Yeah, because now this character's

1:03:08

a few times the same. Istanbul. I'm like,

1:03:11

you know what I meant?

1:03:13

I am. You've been unnecessarily aggressive,

1:03:15

in chagrasses. I am, I

1:03:19

am so genuinely

1:03:21

excited now for the Istanbul

1:03:23

gigs for several

1:03:25

reasons. First and foremost, I'm

1:03:29

pretty sure we are about to

1:03:31

be the biggest

1:03:33

ever English-speaking

1:03:36

fucking event in, and

1:03:39

by start, standard wise, we're ahead

1:03:41

by miles. Because of the four

1:03:43

sellouts. Oh, mm-hmm, yeah,

1:03:45

yeah, yeah, huge. Like, literally nobody's done

1:03:47

this before. Jimmy's doing

1:03:49

one show the day before. Oh, and they booked

1:03:52

that after yours was booked in as well. Yeah,

1:03:54

but I'm. Yeah, but like,

1:03:56

I was nearly first. I

1:03:59

vote to hold them. Six

1:04:01

and a half thousand pictures. Because you can't put one on the next day

1:04:03

because you are already there. Oh yeah. You need

1:04:05

to clear a diary in front of you.

1:04:07

I'm super excited to find

1:04:10

out what it is like.

1:04:14

We're doing four shows there over two days. We're

1:04:16

filming it for release later

1:04:18

on in the year. How

1:04:20

does it come back with a full head of hair? Our

1:04:26

people on the ground there are so fucking...

1:04:29

Where did we drink with them? It was really fucking cool.

1:04:31

We had a fun night at the...

1:04:34

It was in Bulgaria. Bulgaria? Yeah,

1:04:36

it was on that tour. Yep. Enos.

1:04:40

Yeah, so they're going to be fun. I was messaging

1:04:42

them this was that day. He

1:04:44

wanted to take us to a Fenebachi game. But

1:04:48

none work out when we're there. I've

1:04:51

told them that I would definitely go back

1:04:53

just for the Fenebachi game. The next time

1:04:55

we go to Turkey, we're going to be

1:04:57

there for a week because we want to do

1:04:59

Ankara. And then there's another place in between which

1:05:01

I don't think we'll do a show in

1:05:03

but it's a really good holiday definition. We're

1:05:06

only in Turkey unfortunately for about two and a

1:05:08

half days. And half

1:05:10

of those days are going to be spent in the

1:05:13

fucking theatre because we're filming two specials a day there.

1:05:17

But there's... I mean, man, we're meeting fucking

1:05:19

people. Oh, man, I've got something

1:05:21

to just tell you off camera. It's a

1:05:24

celebrity encounter that we might have. In

1:05:26

Turkey? No, no, we are. We do have a

1:05:28

celebrity encounter in Turkey. Apparently one of the biggest

1:05:31

Turkish actresses who's the

1:05:33

star of all of Turkey Netflix is

1:05:35

coming to the fucking show. Oh, yeah. And all the time.

1:05:38

We're just going to be in ignorance. She's still

1:05:40

going to be there and a bunch of Turkish

1:05:42

comedians are coming so we get to meet them.

1:05:44

So I'm really excited to find out about the

1:05:46

Turkish comedy scene and see what's going on and

1:05:48

also just see what fucking... I can't wait

1:05:50

to try an actual Turkish kebab. Like

1:05:53

a real... Have you ever had a

1:05:55

Turkish bath? We've been... The

1:05:57

one's in fucking... No, nah, that's not a

1:05:59

Turkish bath. Turkish Bath is.

1:06:01

That's the baths. The Turkish

1:06:03

Baths, where a fucking dude scrubs you.

1:06:06

You exfoliate you now, that and fucking just putting

1:06:08

foam on you, washes you, and that. It's

1:06:11

getting washed by a dude. They put

1:06:13

really ragdoll washed. Yeah, but I've... It's

1:06:15

like a massage slash... I think we're

1:06:17

Turkish barberts. I know what... And I

1:06:19

love Turkish barbers. It's one of

1:06:21

them, just like fucking freshening it up. Oh, they treat like

1:06:24

a piece of meat in a mall phone. Yeah,

1:06:27

aye, let's get Turkish baths then. Alright,

1:06:30

well we'll see you on the Patreon episodes

1:06:32

for those of you that actually love us.

1:06:34

Mm-hmm, yeah. America

1:06:37

tour, you can buy tickets for that.

1:06:40

India sold out. India sold out. No, not all of India

1:06:42

sold out. Oh, put extra shows on. And

1:06:44

not all the dates in India sold out. There's Goa,

1:06:47

it's still got somewhere, I'm pretty sure Poonie still does.

1:06:49

I'm gonna take the Goa. Aye. There

1:06:51

is... Yeah, there's... Go on the website,

1:06:53

there's plenty... We're adding it, we've added

1:06:55

an extra San Francisco show. There's

1:06:58

potentially an extra Chicago show coming. There is

1:07:00

an extra Washington show coming. There might be

1:07:02

an extra Portland... Oh no, there's not gonna

1:07:04

be an extra Portland show because it's on

1:07:06

a fucking Tuesday. So we can't do a

1:07:08

matinee. And

1:07:11

there's also gonna be some encore shows, do you allow it

1:07:13

to announce them yet? No. No, but there's a

1:07:15

couple of dates being added to win the tour ends. Yes,

1:07:17

but only UK and Ireland.

1:07:19

Yeah. So,

1:07:22

yeah, we'll see you next time, guys. Thank you

1:07:24

very much.