0:16

So funky, welcome to that episode of small doses.

0:22

We are, we are just, you know, how are we stepping into this new year where I know people do the memes of just like, what is new here like this, you know, and like that.

0:33

And like, it's like, I dunno for me, I felt like I have moseyed on into this new year.

0:40

Like, like I'm strolling into him, spaghetti, Western, you know, tumbleweeds and moving faster than me, nonetheless, we are here.

0:52

And, you know, I think it's been, we just continue to see these last two years that we've been in a pandemic.

0:59

There's been a lot of change, a lot of pain, a lot of growth, a lot of realizations.

1:04

There's been a lot of self-reflection, et cetera, et cetera.

1:07

And we wanted to do this episode one because it's positive.

1:11

And it also is reflective of like my own growth on my own relationship journey.

1:14

But I want to start by saying that when we're doing side effects of a longterm relationship, I want to stress the importance of the word in the title, because it's just a, a long-term relationship, meaning my own long-term relationship.

1:28

I can only be an expert about my own experiences.

1:31

So, you know, for me, I haven't been in a relationship where I've lived with somebody and done so for an extended amount of time and done.

1:41

So at this point in my life, like those are three things that are very contrary to every other experience I've had in relationships.

1:47

Now, some of you all might be like, how the fuck do you call them the long-term relationship?

1:50

If you've only been together for like a year and a half, I've been with my person for 14 years, et cetera, et cetera, you are correct.

1:58

Which is why this is the side effects of the relationship, meaning my long-term relationship.

2:04

But nonetheless, as Rebecca, so smartly pointed out, you know, the dynamics rather it's 14 years or 16 months, the dynamics of getting with somebody and, you know, considering where this is going and then committing to it and then dealing with the other side of that commitment.

2:24

Those are all still phases of any long-term relationship.

2:27

It's just a matter of where they show up.

2:29

So that being said, I really just wanted to do this episode too, just because I know that I have learned so much about myself in the process of even getting to this point.

2:39

And I think that for a lot of us, particularly folks that are like, maybe in like the forties early forties age group, poor, like, I dunno, , you know, there's this idea that it's like, it's a wrap.

2:53

You're not going to be able to meet somebody, but I think it would be a really helpful conversation just around like maybe mind-state shifts and also identity shifts.

3:07

So that's what we're going to do.

3:09

And that's how we going to get into it. Let's do a little gem drop damn .

3:13

So

3:13

this

3:13

episode's

3:13

gem

3:13

drop

3:13

is

3:13

long

3:13

time

3:13

versus

3:23

term. When we talk about relationships now let's, let's break this down.

3:26

You can be with somebody a long time, but it's not necessarily long-term.

3:32

But the reason why I give this distinction is because sometimes you're with somebody a long time, just because that it just was working, right?

3:40

Like it was convenient or it was just alive or y'all were just going with the flow.

3:45

But it wasn't like, you all had said we are life partners.

3:49

That's what long-term is long-term is deciding we are here for the longterm long time is like, we've just been in, in a long time.

3:59

And I do feel like there's an important distinction in that because it's the mindset change that really changes behavior.

4:04

It's right. People, a lot of times say like when you're in a marriage, it's just a different mindset about how you deal with things, because now you're glued together in a different way.

4:13

Like you're considering your path in a different way.

4:15

You're considering your time in a different way when you're in a long time relationship, you know, it's not to say that breaking up is like on the top of your head, but it's definitely present in a different way than when you're in a long-term relationship where you have decided that, you know, breaking up is not something that's on the tip of your tongue.

4:32

And it really is also about deciding like how you do conflict resolution, you know, how you're managing finances, how you're considering goals and you know, the life decisions that you guys are making.

4:45

I mean, in a long time relationship, like that's kind of just one of those things where you're in it until something disrupts it.

4:51

And then that's that a long-term relationship is like you're in it.

4:54

And if something disrupts it, you have already committed to the fact that you're going to do whatever you can within the healthy best interest of both of you to make it past whatever that disruption is.

5:05

And I'm telling you it's a different state of mind because I've seen a complete different shift in the way that my relationship operates from when we got back together to when we decided like, this is it.

5:21

And I'll talk about that later in that one time, but long time versus long-term.

5:27

And sometimes you may have to be with somebody for a long time before you decide if it's longterm, right?

5:31

Like that's real. Like sometimes it's like, yeah, like I'm not getting with somebody and then boom, off top, like, this is what we're doing that is completely smart and perfectly relevant and makes perfect sense.

5:40

But I think there's also just the idea that sometimes people are with somebody because you got together maybe at a young age or you got together and like a space like college, right, where you're just in a bubble and you know, there was a intertwining of your lives that made sense for a reason and maybe for a season, but not necessarily a lifetime.

5:58

We

5:58

haven't

5:58

done

5:58

a

5:58

DMT

5:58

in

5:58

a

5:58

long

5:58

ass

6:11

time. So let's get into it.

6:13

Is

6:13

monogamy

6:13

a

6:13

deal

6:17

breaker? What are the approaches in this?

6:19

Yes or no is love and monogamy mutually exclusive.

6:23

I'm not sure how this really relates to a long-term relationship.

6:25

I feel like it's really just a matter of the type of person you are.

6:28

Like for me, monogamy is a deal breaker.

6:30

Like if I'm going to be with you, I want to be with Jesse that's type of person.

6:33

I am. And I want to be with somebody who feels the same way, but some people that doesn't matter and they are completely fine with being an open to relationship.

6:40

And that is perfectly okay with them.

6:44

So, you know, at the end of the day, I feel like it's just a moral is down to, like, you got to find the person who has the same values as you and those values extend across a number of planes.

6:55

We actually have a whole episode called side-effects of values.

6:57

Like there's like values that are deal breakers to you.

7:01

And then there are values that are deal breakers to the other person.

7:04

And it's like, that's the person I feel like that you're going to end up being with in the longterm.

7:08

Somebody who has the same deal, breaker values as you, you know, like I am someone who considers loyalty, loyalty shows up in a certain way.

7:20

For me, if loyalty doesn't show up for you in that same way, we're not going to be able to work because loyalty is incredibly important to me, honesty and transparency.

7:27

Like those are incredibly important.

7:30

Part of my value system. It shows up in a particular way for me, if honesty and transparency doesn't show up in the same way for someone else, like that's going to be a problem for me.

7:38

So, you know, whereas like religion is just not that important to me.

7:43

And so at the other person, like if their partner's religion is not that important to them, then we can make it work.

7:49

But I've been with people where religion is not important to me and to them, like they are incredibly like, you know, wanting to find themselves in how they align with their religion.

7:59

Well, it's like, well then we're not going to last long because at a certain point that's going to be an incredibly important tempo for you.

8:06

And for me, it's never going to be, it's just sitting here right now.

8:10

It's not, you know, so I think it's the same thing when it comes to monogamy and being mutually exclusive.

8:15

Like I am with somebody who, if I was not mutually exclusive with them, it would drive that nigga crazy, crazy.

8:21

And I am the same crazy.

8:27

Okay.

8:27

And

8:27

that

8:27

is

8:27

how

8:27

left

8:27

I

8:30

felt. And that is how Andre Ryan's house got burnt down.

8:32

But Next question, how do you overcome low sex drive slash lack of sexual intimacy after so many years together, I'm going on 14 years in my current relationship, but we are in quite the dry spell.

8:50

I

8:50

mean,

8:50

don't

8:50

they

8:50

say

8:50

like,

8:50

you

8:50

know,

8:50

add

8:50

spice

8:50

into

8:50

the

8:50

relationship

8:50

and

8:50

that's

8:50

why

8:50

people

8:50

start

8:50

dressing

8:59

up.

8:59

Isn't

8:59

that

8:59

like

8:59

the,

8:59

the

8:59

thing,

8:59

like,

8:59

that's

8:59

why

8:59

people

8:59

say

8:59

like,

8:59

let's

8:59

bring

8:59

spice

8:59

back

8:59

into

8:59

our

9:08

relationship.

9:08

That's

9:11

interesting. You know, again, you guys try and national folks, I'm very fortunate that I'm with somebody.

9:17

We have the exact same libido at present.

9:24

I don't know that may change, but we have the exact same idea about it.

9:28

I feel like we, you know, we were both very smashed tastic in our youthful years.

9:34

And so we are just not that pressed about it, but I can imagine if you've been with someone for 14 years, you've gone through a journey with them through like certain levels of your maturity and of your sex drive process.

9:46

So, you know, but I also feel like that's also related to like where people's head is at.

9:51

You know, sometimes like if you're not feeling good about yourself, your sex drive might be low.

9:56

Sometimes if you're like really focused on like getting a goal, accomplished your sex drive might be low.

10:01

But then the other person, they might be like popping.

10:03

Like that person who's just sent that message. Like their shit might be popping.

10:06

So they're like, man, I'm out here.

10:08

I'm getting shit done. I'm trying to get smashed.

10:09

I'm trying to get in there.

10:11

But I think the key is always just making things fun.

10:14

I don't know.

10:16

I just think that that ends up being like the bottom line of like this whole life thing.

10:20

How do you make things feel good?

10:24

And sometimes like, this is gonna sound real old.

10:28

So for all you use listening, sometimes when you start thinking about sex, you're like, okay, so we're going to have sex.

10:37

I'm going to have to take a shower and then like, okay, so the process, all right.

10:42

So this is going to take about how long, right?

10:44

And then I have to go to, I'm going to be tired after it's no longer just like go in the closet and get it in.

10:52

Cause you're fitting it in.

10:54

So like your life. But what I will tell you to this person who said this message, and this was told to me, by someone who had been married 20 years, you got to schedule sex.

11:02

And I know somebody's grown listening just now like, oh my God, that seems so like sterile.

11:09

That seems so routine.

11:10

And it's like, it doesn't have to be, it's like you schedule a trip and you get excited and anticipate the trip.

11:16

So it's like that perhaps is maybe what y'all need to do is schedule sex.

11:20

That you can be excited and anticipate the sex and then everybody invite everybody involved.

11:25

Well, I don't, I'm not assuming, but if it's just you two involved in, you know what you're going to bring to the Tech's table and they know what they're going, maybe going to bring some sponsee pennies, maybe they going to bring some candles.

11:33

You know what I'm saying? Maybe you got a playlist, but I think it ends up just being the fact that when you're in this relationship longterm, like there's just waves of things that are up and that are down.

11:45

And when they say, oh, relationships take work.

11:48

The work to me is not only the work you're doing on yourself, which we'll talk about, but it's also like the work of acknowledging that sometimes you're going to have to put energy behind things that may at one point have come just organically and naturally by nature of when you met or the chemistry or et cetera, you know, but we're humans like we're very complex.

12:08

Like I, people feel like to be like, humans are so simple.

12:10

I don't know humans. Y'all fucking with we're complex a lot going on.

12:14

There's a lot going on.

12:15

And you know, dry spells come for a number of reasons.

12:19

You just got to bring the reins again about the is that song really about white men talking about bringing the rains to Africa?

12:28

Cause that's the real wise they angry shit.

12:32

Next

12:37

question. What are some green flags of a healthy and loving longterm relationship?

12:41

I

12:41

would

12:41

say

12:41

I'm

12:41

going

12:41

to

12:41

speak

12:41

for

12:46

myself. I would say both parties actively working towards wellness in their own spaces.

12:54

So not just like being in couples therapy and sometimes like you go to couples therapy in lieu of your own therapy because too much therapy is a thing, but it's like you being able to identify like, this is what I need to do to be my best self.

13:06

And it doesn't have anything to do with this other person.

13:08

So that might mean yoga. That might mean eating better.

13:11

That might mean praying more.

13:13

That might mean reading. That might mean limiting your interaction with social media.

13:18

That might mean limiting your interaction with certain people in your life, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

13:21

But it's like you having to identify like, this is where my wellness lies and it's my responsibility that my partners.

13:26

And it's not to say that it isn't your partner's responsibility to, you know, be helpful in encouraging this and then supporting that.

13:34

Cause it is, but it's not their responsibility to be the catalyst for it.

13:38

It's not it's you.

13:40

And you're the one who has to keep it up.

13:42

So I think that being able to do that without interruption, cause that's the other part.

13:47

Sometimes people are in these relationships and you're trying to do everything for your wellness.

13:51

And your partner is actually like going against your process of wellness.

13:55

Why sometimes it may be because they don't want to take responsibility of their own role in wellness sometimes maybe because they see that in you get into your space of wellness, it feels like you're pulling away from them because in a listen, when you're in a toxic bond and you start to get better, that means worse for the relationship because the toxicity is what's keeping you together, not the health and the wealth.

14:15

And sometimes, you know, when you are starting to get healthy and you are trying to bring that into a relationship, sometimes people can feel like you're trying to control things.

14:24

And it's like, that person has to get past that and see that you're not trying to control.

14:30

You're trying to introduce new habits that maybe both of you all didn't have access to.

14:35

And if they're not willing to do that, then they are not a part of the health and wealth of that relationship.

14:41

So I think a green flag is both partners being responsible for their own wellness and also encouraging the others in their independent wellness.

14:49

I would say another green flag is like teamwork and understanding like the necessary roles of teamwork.

14:56

Like particularly if you live together, you know, like if you live together, you come to realize like there's just shit that has to get done.

15:03

And it's going to require like all hands on deck.

15:06

And I've been in scenarios where the ego was preventing the effectiveness of that.

15:14

And it was just like the lack of effectiveness is going to be something that both of us now have to deal with in terms of like a lesser living situation.

15:23

So why would we not just both get behind this?

15:26

So I think like another green flag is just being able to like have egos, not in the way when it comes to like identifying each other's roles and teamwork, I'll say like in my household, one thing that has really been super duper dope is the fact that like, I think me and Devonne both very like quickly, this is one of the things that we didn't have to put work into, but we very quickly identified that, like it takes two and that like when there's a big task, he'll do half and I'll do the other half.

15:55

And that really ends up being like something that it's just nice to not have to feel like you're alone in that.

16:04

And that you do have somebody who sees like, no, I'm here too.

16:09

And it's just as much my responsibility as you are.

16:11

So let's divvy it up.

16:12

And the last green flag I will say is intimacy that doesn't necessarily have to be attached to sex.

16:19

So what I mean by that is that like intimacy for a lot of us, you know, when we're trying to figure out what it means, seems like it's about like fucking, and I know I spent a lot of time in my younger days, misappropriating, I guess, misnomer.

16:33

I'm not really sure what the right word is right now, but like misplacing intimacy with just dicta, Missy.

16:39

And

16:39

it's

16:39

like,

16:39

so

16:39

I'm

16:39

thinking

16:39

that

16:39

we're

16:39

having

16:39

with

16:39

this

16:39

intimate

16:39

exchange

16:39

because

16:39

you

16:39

know,

16:39

you're

16:39

inside

16:39

my

16:39

body,

16:39

but

16:39

for

16:39

the

16:39

other

16:39

person,

16:39

like

16:39

they

16:39

may

16:39

not

16:39

be

16:39

feeling

16:39

that

16:53

way. And they may just have been like, you know, you a bad bitch.

16:55

I'm trying to get in that. And that, to me, it took a while to understand that like every sexual interaction is not necessarily an intimate interaction.

17:03

It might literally just be physical, but in conjunction with that, like you can have intimate interactions that are not related to the physical.

17:12

And sometimes that's about just affection.

17:16

Like sometimes that can just be like physical affection, like being held and cuddles.

17:20

Sometimes it can be in the type of conversations you're having, you know, and being able to create that safe space to have like the types of conversations that may not be reserved for, you know, the, the dinner table, et cetera, et cetera.

17:33

Like sometimes I'll just say the devil I'm like, can you just say something sentimental to me?

17:38

And

17:38

like,

17:38

you

17:38

know,

17:38

he'll

17:38

think

17:38

as

17:38

it

17:38

he'll

17:38

give

17:38

me

17:38

some,

17:38

you

17:38

know,

17:38

and

17:38

there's

17:38

a

17:38

certain

17:38

intimacy

17:38

in

17:38

me

17:38

just

17:38

being

17:38

able

17:38

to

17:38

say

17:38

that

17:38

to

17:38

him

17:38

without

17:38

being

17:52

self-conscious. And so I think like it's like having that space of intimacy is really about you being able to show and express with yourself, particularly in this context, you know, in a romantic and a loving way, without it feeling like you have to be self-conscious because that's a road in a relationship that takes longer for some than others in some relationships that may feel like you never get there, you know?

18:17

And then if we extend it beyond just the romance, it's like the intimacy is just literally the ability for you to be your whole self in front of someone without feeling like they're going to not like you now.

18:30

And that takes time and trust and, and action.

18:34

And that's something that you have to consciously create space for, by the way.

18:38

That's not, that was just, this just happen.

18:39

Like you have to be consciously aware of that.

18:41

You know, sometimes people say things to you and you may be flippant about your response because like, you're just not even thinking, but that right there, your response that you were flipping about may have put a chink in the intimacy armor, you know, it might've just been like, and now that safe space is like air depleting out of it.

18:58

And now if you're in the film, the, and what's going to happen is that the whole thing is going to blow up.

19:03

And now all the potatoes you grew are no longer good that safe space.

19:06

I think it was like the S hat or the M have, or the L have.

19:10

I've seen the marshal so many gosh, darn times you would think that I would know, but basically like he had created this space in space, on Mars where he was able to grow potatoes.

19:21

And it was a miracle that he was able to do this with the little ingredients that he had in terms of like, you know, was water that he had to collect from his own sweat, et cetera, et cetera.

19:32

But the metaphor before he gets off the rails is the fact that you create this little bubble in your relationship.

19:39

That's your world. And that world is an ecosystem that you are building with trust.

19:44

And as you continue to tend to that ecosystem, and as you continue to be caring and nurturing and watch all that ecosystem, you create space for other things to grow.

19:54

And when you are not that way, then you create little fissures that can cause things to die and cause things to, you know, it's like my mom's backyard in Florida has become basically a gosh, why do I keep saying, gosh, Durham has become this sanctuary of sorts where like animals just show up hocks and possums and raccoons.

20:15

And it's not even like, she has some super-duper massive backyard, but she has a big enough backyard where like animals just be showing up cats, et cetera, because there's no harm there.

20:25

And it's like, gotten like word has gotten out amongst the animals that like, when you come to this particular backyard, you're going to get a bird bath.

20:33

You're going to get seed. You're going to get, you know, limbs that you can sit on for the shade.

20:38

You're going to get some little treats and fruits, et cetera, et cetera.

20:42

And so like they keep coming.

20:44

And so you want to create that space, that intimate space.

20:47

So those are some green flags. I know that I went off on a little tangent there it's been a while since we've done a solo episode.

20:52

So, you know, bear with me.

20:59

So if you're like me, you have a pet they're part of your family.

21:02

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21:04

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21:19

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21:26

In that process. It's like, okay, how many visits to the vet are we going to make?

21:31

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21:38

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21:43

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22:41

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22:44

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22:50

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24:41

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24:42

That's chyme.com/doses.

24:44

This

24:44

right

24:44

here

24:44

can

24:44

be

24:44

a

24:44

game

24:44

changer

24:44

for

24:44

a

24:44

lot

24:44

of

24:44

folks,

24:44

those

24:44

fees

24:44

be

24:44

getting

24:44

you

24:44

in

24:44

your

24:52

neck. And the lot of times the bank is not even protecting you like that.

24:55

Did you know that the FTC only protects up to a certain amount of money in your account?

24:58

Not all the money in your account, just a certain amount.

25:01

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Sometimes pay anyone. Instant transfers can be delayed.

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There was a be, it must be use a valid debit card or be a chime member to claim funds.

25:28

Whoo.

25:28

John,

25:28

how

25:28

do

25:28

you

25:28

support

25:28

each

25:28

other

25:28

through

25:28

hardships,

25:28

even

25:28

though

25:28

you're

25:28

both

25:28

hurting

25:28

and

25:28

might

25:28

not

25:28

be

25:28

able

25:28

to

25:28

communicate

25:43

effectively?

25:43

You

25:43

know,

25:43

I

25:43

really

25:43

feel

25:43

like

25:43

those

25:43

times

25:43

require

25:43

both

25:43

parties

25:43

to

25:43

be

25:43

really

25:43

giving

25:43

of

25:56

grace. And some might say like, oh, you need to give each other space.

26:01

But I think maybe it becomes where you learn to inhabit your space with each other differently.

26:06

So it's like maybe it's being close, but not expecting to speak because communication is like, not on point at the time, but like giving each other, the grace of not having that expectation.

26:19

I think maybe that's a possibility.

26:21

I think also it's like, there's no like answer to how to like deal with like, if you're both going through hardships and you're both going through hurting and you don't have the communication, it's like communication is the key.

26:35

And a lot of times in the way that we interact.

26:37

So there may be different ways to communicate that aren't with words or maybe not verbally, maybe it's writing stuff to each other.

26:46

Maybe it's like doing small little acts of service for each other to show you that like I'm here with you and it's still like isolated in your space.

26:56

So you don't necessarily feel like you're having to like be like polled, but it's still something that is selfless.

27:02

Cause supporting each other shows up in a number of ways.

27:06

And just being there oftentimes is enough.

27:10

And sometimes it really is the hardest thing to do.

27:13

Sometimes it just really feels like, no, I really want to get out of here.

27:16

I really want to bounce. Like I really don't want to be in this mix, but I am finding my way to just planting my feet and muddling through this.

27:27

And that can be so much for someone, particularly someone who may have abandonment issues and is used to people leaving.

27:36

How

27:36

did

27:36

you

27:36

escape

27:36

the

27:36

stage

27:36

of

27:44

comfortability? You both still enjoy each other's company and have fun, but things become routine and expected after a certain period of time.

27:50

How can you get over that hump to switch up the monotony?

27:53

You know what?

27:55

I'm not the right person to answer this question because I don't believe in that to me, that sounds like certainty and certainty is sexiest.

28:03

But to me that sounds like consistency, consistency.

28:11

I love it.

28:13

To me. That sounds like a surety.

28:17

So affirming.

28:18

Ah, Ooh.

28:20

Now if you're talking about something sexual, like that's a different conversation, but I really feel like what he's describing is for a lot of women.

28:28

I know that shit is the golden goose.

28:30

It sounds like rely on bill live.

28:33

Yay. Okay.

28:35

Now I feel like, and I, I know that some people may be like you're stereotyping, but I just feel like I hear about this more from men than women, this idea of monotony and of like, oh, that's expected.

28:45

I want some switching up. I want some excitement, bungee shot.

28:48

My brother.

28:49

I'm

28:49

saying

28:49

like,

28:49

I

28:49

don't

28:49

know

28:49

why

28:49

y'all

28:49

want

28:49

shit

28:49

switching

28:55

up. Like I love the consistent, when I tell you I love consistency.

29:00

It brings me peace and grounding and foundation.

29:04

So I think really what it is, the change in perspective, you know, that's what they saying.

29:09

A miracle is just a change in perspective.

29:11

It's really you being like this isn't monotonous.

29:14

This is connection.

29:16

Like this is again assuring since reliability, it's consistency.

29:21

It's a carry D and that's lovely that I have that because now I don't have to go find it somewhere else.

29:26

And so many people are missing that thing right there.

29:31

And that's why they are out here fol full labeling about, oh my gosh.

29:38

Like looking for love in all the wrong places.

29:40

So I think it's also just a change in perspective.

29:43

I'm curious to know what he means by the things that are expected, you know, like, is it like we are expected to have sex on Tuesdays and Fridays and like, you know, maybe let's just do it on a Sunday one day, you know, is it expected that you're gonna make me a peanut butter jelly sandwich and something for lunch?

30:00

Like, I don't know when I think of things that are like expected that may like get monotonous.

30:06

I don't, I can't genuinely like, but you also have to know who your partner is too.

30:16

Right? So like, I'll tell you this. I'm with somebody who is a spontaneous person, just by nature of the type of person they are.

30:23

Like, I tell you all the time, like, you know, he's going to pop out from behind something and scare me and shit.

30:27

You know, like he's gone, come home with some type of candy or whatever.

30:32

Like he's going to suggest that we just go to the beach for brunch.

30:36

Like, you know, so there's a certain level of like spontaneity that just kind of happens by the nature of the type of person you're with.

30:42

You might be with somebody who just doesn't think that way.

30:44

So maybe then you need to be the one who thinks that way since you're the one who's missing it.

30:49

Right. And maybe it's about you saying, you know, how can I switch that up?

30:54

You know, it's like when we realize that to Mia, when she was saying stranger in my house, we thought she was talking about the other person the whole time, and this should realize, hold on, could it be that, that stranger is me.

31:06

It was her the whole time that she had just fallen into this like version of herself that, you know, she wasn't used to.

31:17

And now she's like, oh my God, I have to switch it up.

31:20

Maybe

31:20

you

31:20

want

31:20

a

31:20

stranger

31:20

in

31:20

your

31:24

house.

31:24

That

31:24

was

31:24

a

31:24

good

31:28

session.

31:28

I

31:28

miss

31:30

y'all. Thank you.

31:32

So

31:32

that

31:32

one

31:32

time

31:32

you

31:32

don't,

31:32

I'm

31:32

just

31:32

trying

31:32

to

31:32

think

31:32

of

31:32

like

31:32

what

31:32

I

31:32

wanted

31:32

to

31:32

do

31:32

for

31:32

that

31:32

one

31:32

time

31:32

in

31:32

terms

31:32

of

31:32

stories,

31:32

because

31:32

I've

31:32

been

31:32

in

31:32

a

31:32

long

31:32

time

31:32

relationship

31:32

and

31:32

I've

31:32

been

31:32

in

31:32

a

31:32

long-term

31:54

relationship. And the biggest difference was that when I was in the longtime relationship, there was always a vibe.

32:01

There was always an energy of like, this could be it.

32:04

And there was always this feeling like, you know, if the wrong thing was said or that if you know the argument, you know, what too far that like, that was that.

32:15

And we would always end up coming back together.

32:18

But at a certain point, it just became like a completely toxic relationship because we were only together by nature of habit, not by health, in this relationship, you know, my partner.

32:33

And I think we arrived eventually at this understanding of like, oh, we're not dating.

32:38

Like we're together. This is a life partnership.

32:40

And you know, we going to stick it out.

32:44

And I think that's the real difference that people don't understand between like, you know, marriages and being with somebody, right?

32:51

Because you don't necessarily have to be married by the state of California or wherever you're at to be in a marriage state of mind.

32:59

And the marriage state of mind simply says we have aligned our lives together in such a way that we understand that we're better together than apart and thus everything that we are doing needs to be moving in that direction.

33:11

Now you can say that, and it's a lot easier to say than do, but once you've said it, it does give you a thesis statement and something to ground yourself to, to move forward to, you know, like I know a lot of, I won't say a lot, but I know women who, particularly women, I know homegirls who want to be with somebody in a long-term relationship, but they have devised in their mind, this version of the person.

33:33

And if they meet somebody and they don't have like those aspects in that particular way, then they can't see the person beyond that.

33:42

What I mean to say is, so let's say like, you're shopping for a car and you want something that has Keela century.

33:51

You want something that has passenger side airbags.

33:55

You want something that has a sun roof and you want something that handles well on Rocky terrain.

34:04

Okay. If you've decided that those things have to be in a Benz, you're ignoring that there are a number of other vehicles that have those things that can be just as effective.

34:17

Maybe not better for you than the beds.

34:19

So like when you look at a person and you're like, okay, I want them to be ambitious.

34:26

I want them to be someone who's monogamous.

34:29

I want them to be funny.

34:31

I want them to be adventurous.

34:35

Okay. You may have in your mind that the way that those things show up are in a very specific way.

34:40

So like ambitious may mean that they have a lot of money.

34:43

Adventurous may mean that, you know, they go hiking.

34:46

They really into like hiking and doing those types of trips.

34:50

They are funny might mean that they, you know, they got jokes and monogamous means that, you know, they are committed to just you.

35:01

Well, adventurous can show up in a number of different ways.

35:06

Okay. Like some of might not be adventurous in the way that they like to go hiking, but they like to travel.

35:13

They're curious about other places and are willing to go into other spaces that they're not comfortable in.

35:19

Ambitious doesn't necessarily have to be money.

35:22

Someone who is ambitious may be somebody who is actively pursuing their best self.

35:28

And maybe they're not established yet, but they are moving in that direction.

35:32

And monogamy, I mean, I feel like there's only one version of that, but you know, sometimes people feel like, okay, that means that they want to get married.

35:44

They have to want to get married.

35:46

Well, some people might not want to get married, but they want to be with one person and they want to tie themselves to one person and be committed in their whole self.

35:54

So that person, you know, funny, someone might not miss Sally have like all the jokes, but they may be silly, you know?

36:02

Or they may love comedy just like you.

36:04

So what I'm saying though, is that like, you have to kind of sometimes open your mind to the fact that like how you envisioned it may not be how it shows up, but that doesn't mean it's not there in the way that you want it.

36:14

I mean, it is there sometimes in the way that you want it, you just can't see it.

36:19

Cause you only envisioned it one way.

36:20

And that's not about settling.

36:22

That's again about changing perspective.

36:25

And I think there's a lot of us who, when we are trying to determine who is right for us, we have thought about it for so long before anyone actually showed up that we got very rigid in how we think about it.

36:39

I'm not going to tell you, you know, that you need to settle or know that you need to compromise, but it does take some analysis.

36:46

It does.

36:47

And sometimes you realize like, oh, I need to get out of my own way because I'm over here blocking peace of minds.

36:55

Like I'm, I'm not seeing something the way that it actually can be seen because of my own shit.

37:00

And now that I see it, I can own it in such a better way.

37:05

And I can receive from that and I can pour into that in such a better way.

37:09

But that's something that I've had to like learn in my own time.

37:13

And it's been dope to see somebody else do the same with me.

37:18

Right. Because it really becomes a matter of decision making and deciding like, are we really gonna keep arguing about this bullshit?

37:24

Like for real, when you realize that you just don't have to argue, oh my God, that shit was like finding that last infinity stone.

37:34

So we just don't have to argue about this.

37:38

Huh.

37:38

You

37:38

know,

37:38

and

37:38

you

37:38

got

37:38

to

37:38

see

37:38

how

37:38

people

37:38

don't

37:42

move. Like I know I'm somebody who like gets afraid that if we don't discuss this right now that it's not going to get discussed and it's not going to get dealt with.

37:50

So like someone has to show me, you had to demonstrate to me that even if we don't talk about this right now that it will be addressed and that it will be considered because you know, you want to know that like you're, if you're particularly an older person, like if you're, you know, at this point in my life, like I'm not letting shit fly, just because I want to keep the peace.

38:11

If it's something that I think is very important, but I've also had to learn like, you know what?

38:16

You can use an economy of words and you can say what your issue is, and then move on.

38:22

And you'll keep unawareness about if that's being addressed and that their actions are changing, but you can state it and move.

38:30

Do you understand how hard it has been for me to stick and move y'all cause I'll stay on some shit.

38:36

Listen, I'm on a podcast. I got to be talking about myself for like an hour.

38:38

I can stay on some shit now, but again, for the sake of, oh, we're in this, we not going away from this.

38:46

We probably going to have to discuss this several more times in this relationship.

38:50

And then it might get better than my backpedal because that's what long-term is.

38:55

And humans change at different paces humans move at different paces.

39:01

All of this is just, you know, it's a river, you know, you're going to have rapids.

39:06

You're going to have some classic parts.

39:07

You're gonna have some waterfalls it's gonna narrow.

39:10

There's going to be tributaries, et cetera, et cetera.

39:12

So the long-term of it is when you decide like, well, we've just gone.

39:16

We gone, we gone ride, we gone.

39:19

We're going to ride it.

39:20

We going to lazy river, this shit and hold on tight.

39:31

So I don't know about y'all, but I definitely be trying to find other things to do on my phone than be on these social media apps.

39:36

And I like to play games. And if you're craving a good mistreat or just need to get away for a while, June's journey is the perfect game for you.

39:43

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39:47

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39:56

I really like this because you don't.

39:59

I like games that use my brain and that also are like nice to look at.

40:05

And this is a very vivid game.

40:06

It uses your mind. It makes you think.

40:09

And it also like relaxes you, you know what I'm saying?

40:11

Like, and that's the thing I want to play games that I can like be involved in without it like being overwhelming.

40:18

And also that like serve for like good passing the time.

40:22

Like if you're in the DMV or, you know, like I had to take my dog to the vet and sit outside and wait, this is a good time to play June's journey.

40:29

So I think for those of you who could fancy yourself, a true crime detective, you can get into it right here.

40:36

Ready to awaken that detective download June's journey free today on the apple app store or Google play.

40:47

We back in the new year, we back in front of this computer, we back on Zulu.

40:52

Woo. Here's the thing for all of us coming back to work.

40:57

It's like going back to work now in a pandemic is very different than what it was before.

41:01

And I don't know about y'all, but like, it really is a mind fuck to be like in the house at work.

41:07

And then like still be in the house when you're not working.

41:10

And so like, it's like, okay, how do I, you know, make it seem my, how do I make myself feel like I'm still engaged, but also that I'm not wearing like the uncomfortable clothes that I may have worn to work at home.

41:21

Even I was trying to sit in front of their zoom in like slacks or in jeans, you know?

41:27

But they still want to feel like, okay, I'm sitting up.

41:30

I'm I'm working. I'm ready.

41:32

I don't know. I've literally had to say to myself, okay, you're going to get dressed every day.

41:36

And then at six o'clock you're going to change into your evening clothes.

41:40

Even though you didn't leave the house, you need to like put on your bank holds.

41:43

And these is your pajamas.

41:45

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42:00

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I got a pair and I like the skinny, but I like the fact that like, it's just, it really makes you feel like, okay, you see you looking at me.

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I look like I'm together because I am together, but I'm comfortable and together.

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43:04

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43:40

So for the script, first of all, in your own self work, I think on a basic note, and I'm sure this is cliche, but whatever.

43:46

It's always good to read that four agreements because the four agreements really gives you some real basic, basic concepts to just ground yourself in to keep you from being the antagonist in your long-term relationship.

44:05

And if both of you all can sign up for, I'm not going to take things personal, I'm always going to try my best.

44:12

I can't remember what the other two are right now, but that's why you need to go get the book.

44:15

If you can sign up for that, she, it helps also get you and your partner aligned with the love languages.

44:25

Then love languages may seem like some cliche shit, but I have seen them be very helpful because at the end of the day, we were talking about communication earlier.

44:35

They are the different ways that people communicate love.

44:38

And sometimes you are completely misreading.

44:41

The love that's being thrown at you as something else, because you didn't understand that that's, that person's love language and they may not understand what your love language is like for me, it's not enough to just like apologize.

44:54

You better come up with a hand on my shoulder.

44:55

You better, you better do some type of touch.

44:58

I need a kiss.

44:59

I need a hug. Like that's just a part of my love language.

45:04

Okay. And like my partner, like he acts of service.

45:08

And as a service doesn't mean like, you know, I'm watching his car, but like making him a cup of coffee, he goes a long way.

45:15

A lot longer than I would say, like him making me a cup of tea.

45:20

Like I appreciate it. I love it. But it doesn't hold the same love language Austudy that it does for him.

45:26

Also. I think if you just check out Showtime's series couples therapy, it really is interesting because in watching these couples work through their own personal interactions and their own personal struggles, they may not necessarily be your struggles, but it's very educational to see how this therapist works them through those things and the ways in which at the end of the day, all of us are simply just dealing with our own baggage when we're dealing with someone else.

45:55

And the ways that shows up in this series is uncanny.

46:00

And you might be like, well, I'm not, you know, because the couples are all, you know, unique.

46:05

And you're like, well, I'm not like them and I'm not like them.

46:07

And I, and then as you keep watching, you're like, oh, okay.

46:10

I do do that. Okay.

46:11

All right. All right. Oh yeah, dude.

46:14

I I've been, I've been through that.

46:16

And so it's just a nice way to softly deal with your own bullshit by watching others deal with theirs in a very real way.

46:28

So four agreements, showtimes couples therapy, and the love languages.

46:35

Get you the script.

46:40

The last.

46:44

So there we have it. You guys, we've been doing this podcast since 2018.

46:47

Over the course of that time, you have seen me date people.

46:51

You see me talk shit about people.

46:52

You see me love people. You see me get hurt.

46:54

I mean, I I've lost a child.

46:57

I mean, I've had such a journey and I continue on this journey and I think it's really super dope that I've been able to cultivate this space with you guys where I hope that well, I know that because you share with me, you know, that I am joining you on your own journeys.

47:11

And I said this before, and I really mean it.

47:15

I've learned that my transparency is a form of philanthropy.

47:18

And I got to say, you know, I ran into Dean ice the other day.

47:24

And he was like, oh my God.

47:25

And

47:25

he

47:25

so

47:25

happy

47:25

to

47:25

see

47:25

you

47:25

just

47:25

to

47:25

see

47:25

you

47:25

in

47:34

love. It's so beautiful. You know what I'm saying?

47:36

You just, oh, it's such a beautiful thing.

47:38

This one's a beautiful, does that mean a headlock at this point?

47:40

It's like, this is a beautiful thing, you know? Cause I didn't know what I'm saying.

47:43

I didn't know if he was going to find that because he was so tough, little breaks Derek.

47:47

And

47:47

I

47:47

was

47:47

like,

47:47

what's

47:47

your

47:53

name? And he's like, you tough.

47:54

And I was like, nah, if you think I'm tough because you haven't given me a reason to be soft.

48:00

And that's really the story for so many of us, people see a version of us that we show them because that's the version that has had to show up for us to maintain.

48:13

And when someone gives you the opportunity to be vulnerable, to show softness to you, don't let them in.

48:23

Particularly as cancers, then they have done something, right?

48:29

They have people say to me all the time, like you need to be more vulnerable.

48:33

You need to be vulnerable. And it's like, I am incredibly vulnerable.

48:37

I just don't necessarily feel like everybody has demonstrated the acuity to handle my feelings with care.

48:46

So therefore I'm not going to place them in their hands so that they can walk my shit.

48:51

And then I'm the one who has to deal with it because I get easily disappointed because I am an empath and because my feelings get hurt and I'm sensitive.

48:58

No. So I'm conscious and cognizant about who I allow to have access to that part of me.

49:05

And in this journey to finding partners, it's really been trial and error with that.

49:12

Sometimes, you know, I'm thinking I'm being conscious and I'm finding out like, no, you're actually being dumb.

49:16

And they got, you got your bitch, econ the shit out of you.

49:19

You thought he was a safe place. And he wasn't, you know, sometimes it'd be like that with friends, et cetera.

49:23

So I'd say all that to say though, that the goal is to be able to take your mask off and live with it off.

49:33

And I will say that people come up to me and they're like, Amanda, like, you just seem so happy now.

49:37

You're just so lighter, et cetera, et cetera. And I can safely say part of that is because I'm in the house all the time.

49:43

And I simply just don't have to deal with as many Jack holes on a regular basis.

49:47

As I used to. The other part of that is that I'm with somebody that has consistently demonstrated a foundation of reliability and of support and of acceptance of who I am and love for who I am in a way that has only bolstered my own freedom to be that in other spaces, it's taken some time and it's going to continue to be a work in progress.

50:20

And for those of us out here who are listening, who have been in relationships for, you know, 10 and 11 and 15 and 20 years, I know that your stories are going to be possibly very different than mine.

50:32

You know, you may have had other suggestions and answers to these DMTs, which is why this episode is when I say side effects of a long-term relationship.

50:39

I mean my long-term relationship, but we continue on this journey.

50:43

I'm so glad that we get to continue to do this.

50:45

We are in another year, it's a new time, same shit, but we will continue to forge forward.

50:52

Thank you to everybody who has been listening.

50:55

And if you're a new listener, welcome to the show, you can also make sure to check out our patriotic, where I have extended segments from small doses.

51:03

And we also are beginning some new audio content that you all will be able to get into.

51:09

So Patrion is our space for exclusive bonus content.

51:13

So head over to patrion.com/smart, funny, and black, and make sure to continue to support the content that we've been creating and that we've gone to create habits or just new year, because I feel like happy as a high bar, A

51:33

packet, a podcast network.

51:34

So funky, welcome to that episode of small funky. Welcome to the episode of small doses. We are we are just, you know, how are we stepping into this new year? Where I know there were people do the memes of just, like, we're talking in this new year like this, you know, and like that, and like a lens. Like, I don't know for me. I felt like I have Mozyed on into this new year, Ive, like, I'm strolling into him. Space. Getty Western. You know? They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. They're down. A lot less. We are here. And, you know, I think it's been we just continue to see these last two years that we've been in the pandemic. There's been a lot of change a lot of pain, a lot of growth, a lot of realizations. There's been a lot of self reflection, etcetera, etcetera. And we wanted to do this episode. One, because it's positive and it also is reflective of, like, my own growth on my own relationship journey. But I wanna start by saying, when we're doing side effects of a long term relationship, I wanna stress the importance of the word in the title because it's just an a. Long term relationship meaning my own long term relationship. I can only be an expert about my own experiences. So, you know, for me, I haven't been in a relationship where I've lived with somebody and done so for an extended amount of time and done so at this point in my life. Like, those are three things that are very contrary to every other experience I've had in relationships. Now some of y'all might be Ive, the fuck are you calling me to learn from relationships? You've only been together for, like, a year and a half. I've been with my person for fourteen years, etcetera, etcetera. You are correct, which is why this is the side effects of long term relationship, meaning my long term relationship. But nonetheless, as Rebecca Seales pointed out, you know, the dynamics, whether it's fourteen years or sixteen months, the dynamics of getting with somebody and, you know, considering where this is going and then committing to it and then dealing with the other side of that commitment, those are all still phases of any long term relationship. It's just a matter of where they show up. So that being said, I really just wanted to do this episode too just because I know that I have learned so much about my self in the process of even getting to this point. And I think that for a lot of us, particularly folks that are Ive maybe in like forties early forties age group who are Ive, I don't know if I'm Ive. don't know if I'm deaf. You know, there's this idea that it's like it's a rap. You're not gonna be able to meet somebody. But I think it would be a really helpful conversation just around Ive maybe mind state shifts and also identity shifts. So that's what gonna do, and that's how we're gonna get into it. Let's do a little gem drop. Damn, dropping. Damn, dropping. Damn, dropping. Wait, dropping, manny's home. So this episode's gem drop is long time versus long term when we talk about relationships. Now Seales let's break this down. You can be with somebody a long time but it's not necessarily long term. But the reason why I give this distinction is because sometimes you're with somebody a long time just because that it just was working. Right? Like, it was convenient or it was just a Ive. Where y'all were just going with the flow. But it wasn't like you all had said, we are life partners. That's what long term is. Long term is deciding we are here for the long term. Long time is like we've just been in it long time. And I do feel like there's an important distinction in that because it's the mindset change that really changes behavior. It's why people a lot of times say, like, when you're in a marriage, it's just a different mindset about how you deal with things because now you're glued together in a different way. Ive, you're considering your path in different way, you're considering your time in a different way. When you're in a long time relationship, you know, It's not to say that breaking up is Ive on the top of your head, but it's definitely present in a different way than when you're in a long term relationship where you have decided that you know, breaking up is not something that's on the tip of your tongue. And it really is also about deciding Ive how you do conflict resolution you know, how you're managing finances, how you're considering Seales, and, you know, the life decisions that you guys are making. I mean, in a long time relationship, like, that's kinda just one of those things where you're in it until something disrupts it. And then that's that. A long term relationship is Ive you're in it. And if something disrupts it, you have already committed to the fact that you're going to do whatever you can within the healthy, best interests of both of you to make it past whatever that disruption is. And I'm telling you it's a different state of mind because I've seen a complete different shift in the way that my relationship operates from when we, like, got back together to when we decided Ive, this is it. And I'll talk about that later in that one time, but long time versus long term. And sometimes you may have to be with somebody for a long time before you decide if it's long term. Right? Like, that's real. Like, sometimes it's like, yeah. Like, I'm not getting with somebody and then boom off top. Like, this is what we're doing. That is completely smart and perfectly relevant and makes perfect sense. But I think there's also just the idea that sometimes people are with somebody because you got together maybe at a young age or you got together in Ive a a space like college, right, where you're just in a bubble, And, you know, there was a intertwining of your lives that made sense for a reason and maybe for a but not necessarily a lifetime. We're starting it. We haven't done a DMT in a long ass Ive, so let's get into it. Best impression, is monogamy a deal breaker? What are the approaches in this? Yes or no? Is love and monogamy unsolicited. I'm not sure how this really relates to a long term relationship. I feel like it's really just a matter of the type of person you are. Like, for me, Manakami is a deal breaker. Like, if I'm gonna be with you, I wanna be with Jess too. That's Ive type of person I am and I wanna be with somebody who feels the same way. But some people that doesn't matter and they are completely fine with being an open to relationship and that is perfectly okay with them. So, you know, at the end of the day, I feel like it just boils down to, like, you gotta find the person who has the same values as you. And those values extend across a number of planes. We actually have a whole episode called side effects of values. Ive, there's, like, values that are deal breakers to you, and then there are values that are deal breakers to the other person. And it's, like, that's the person I feel like that you're gonna end up being with in the long term. Somebody who has the same deal breaker values as you. You know, like, I am someone who considers loyalty loyalty shows up in a certain way for me. If loyalty doesn't show up for you in that same way we're not gonna be able to work because loyalty is incredibly important to me. Honest and transparency. Like those are incredibly Like those are incredibly important part of my value system. It shows up in a particular way for me. If honesty and transparency doesn't show up in the same way for someone else, like, that's gonna be a problem me. So you know where is, like, religion is just not that important me. And so if the other person, like, if their partner's religion is not that important to them, then we can make it work. But I've been with people where religion is not important to me and to them, Ive, they are incredibly, like, you know, wanting to find themselves in how they align with their religion. Well, it's Ive, well, then we're not gonna last long. Because at a certain point, that's gonna be an incredibly important tempo for you And for me, it's never going to be. It's just I mean, at at sitting here right now, it's not. You know? So think it's the same thing when it comes to monogamy and being mutually exclusive. Ive, I am with somebody who, if I was not mutually exclusive with them, it would drive that nigga crazy. Crazy. And I am the same. Crazy. Okay? And that is how left I felt, and that is how Andre rises, how stop written down. Next question. How do you overcome low sex drive slash lack of sexual intimacy after so many years together. Yay. I'm going on fourteen years in my current relationship and we are quite the dry spell. Ive don't they say, like, you know, add spice into the relationship and that's why people start dressing up? Like, isn't that the the thing? Like, that's why people say, like, let's bring Spice back into our relationship. That's interesting. You know, again, you guys try Nashville FOLKS. I'm very fortunate that I'm with somebody. We have the exact same libido. At present, I don't know that may change, but we had the exact same idea about it. Feel like we, you know, we were both very smashedastic in our youthful years. And so we are just not that pressed about it. But I can imagine if you've been with someone for fourteen years, you've gone through a journey with them through, like, certain levels of your maturity and of your, like, such drive process. So, you know, but I also feel like that's also related to, like, where people's head is at. You know? Sometimes, like, if you're not feeling good about yourself, you're Ive might be low. Sometimes, if you're, like, really focused on, like, getting a goal accomplished, your sixth Ive might be low. But then the other person, they might be, like, popping. Like, that person who just sent that message, like, their shit might be popping. So they're, like, man, I'm out here. I'm getting shit done. I'm trying to get a mess. I'm trying to get in there. But I think the key is always just making things fun. Ive don't know. I just think that ends up being Ive the bottom line of Ive this whole life thing. How do you make things feel good? And sometimes, like, this is gonna sound real old. So for all you use listening, Sometimes when you start thinking about sex, you're Ive, okay, so we're gonna have sex. I'm gonna have to take a shower. And then, like okay. So the process alright. So it's gonna take about how long. Alright. right? And then I have to go to, I'm going to be tired after it's no longer just like go in the closet and get it And then I have to go to gonna be tired after I It's no longer just Ive, let's go in the colonoscopy and get it in. Because you're feeding it in to, like, your life. But what I will tell you to this person who said this message and this told to me by someone who've been married twenty years, you've got to schedule sets. And I know somebody grown to listening just now. Like, I'm like, god, that seems so Ive sterile. That seems so routine. It's Ive, it doesn't have to be. It's like you schedule a trip and you get excited and anticipate the trip. So it's like that perhaps is maybe what y'all need to do. Schedule sex that you can be excited and anticipate the sex. And then everybody everybody involved. Well, I'm not assuming. But if it's just due to involved, then you know what you're gonna bring to the text table. They know what they can maybe you're gonna bring some fancy panties. Maybe they gonna bring some candles. You know what I'm saying? Maybe you got a playlist. But I think it ends up just being the fact that when you're in this relationship long term, like, there's just waves of things that are up and that are down. And when they say, oh, relationships take work, the work to me is not only the work you're doing on yourself, which we'll talk about, but it's also Ive the work of acknowledging that sometimes you're going to have to put energy behind things that may at one point have come just organically and naturally. By nature of when you met or the chemistry or etcetera, you know, but we're humans. Like, we're very complex. Like, I don't feel like to me. The humans are so simple. I don't know who humans y'all fucking with. We're comp meds. There's lot going on. There's lot going on. And, you know, dry spells come for a number of reasons. You just gotta bring the reins again. Ive the reins down to Africa. Is that song really about white men talking about bringing the reins to Africa? Because that's some real white senior shit. Next question. What are some green flags of a healthy and loving longterm are some green flags of a healthy and loving long term relationship? Oh, green flags. I would say I'm gonna speak for myself. I would say both parties actively working towards wellness in their own Seales. So not just like being in couples therapy. And sometimes, like, you go to couples therapy in lieu of your own therapy because too much therapy is a thing. But it's like you being able to identify, like, this is what I need to do to be my best self and it doesn't have anything to do with this other person. So that might mean yoga, that might mean eating better. That might mean praying more. That might mean reading. That might mean limiting your interaction with social media, that might mean limiting your interaction with certain people in your life, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. But it's like you having to identify, like, this is where my wellness lies and it's my responsibility to not my partners. And it's not gonna say that it isn't your partner's responsibility to, you know, be helpful in encouraging this and then supporting that because it is. But it's not their responsibility to be the catalyst for it. It's not. It's you. And you're the one who has to keep it up. So I think that being able to do that without interruption because that's the other part. Sometimes people are in these relationships and you're trying to do everything for your wellness and your partner is actually Ive going against your process of wellness. Why? Sometimes it may be because they don't wanna take responsibility of their own role in wellness. Sometimes, maybe because they see that in you get into your space of wellness, it feels like you're pulling away from them because in a Listen, when you're in a toxic bond and you start to get better, that means worse for the relationship because the toxicities what's keeping you together and not the health and the wealth. And sometimes, you know, when you are starting to get healthy and you are trying to bring that into a relationship, sometimes people can feel like you're trying to control things. And it's Ive, That person has to get past that and see that you're not trying to control, you're trying to introduce new habits, that maybe both of you all didn't have access to. And if they're not willing to do that, then they are not a part of the health and wealth of that relationship. So Ive think a green flag is both partners being responsible for their own wellness and also encouraging the others in their independent wellness. I would say another green flag is Ive teamwork and understanding, like, the necessary roles of teamwork, like, particularly if you live together you know, like, if you live together and you come to realize, like, there's just shit that has to get done and it's gonna require, like, all hands on deck. And I've been in scenarios where the ego was preventing the effectiveness of that. And it was just Ive, the lack of effectiveness is going to be something that both of us now have to deal with in terms of Ive a lesser living situation. So why would we not just both get behind this? So I think like another green flag is just being able to, like, have Seales not in the way when it comes to, like, identifying each other's roles and teamwork. I'll say, like, in my household, one thing that has really been super duper dope is the fact that, like, I think me and Deban both very, like, quickly. This is one of the things that we didn't have to put work into, but we very quickly identified that, like, it takes to. And that, like, when there's a big task, he'll do half and I'll do the other half. And that really ends up being, like, something that it's just nice to not have to feel like you're alone in that. And that you do have somebody who like, no, I'm here too, and it's just as much my responsibility as you are. So let's divvy it up. And the last green flag, I will say, is intimacy that doesn't necessarily have to be attached to sex. So what I mean by that is that, like, intimacy for a lot of us, you know, when we're trying to figure out what it means, seems like it's about, like, fucking. And I know I spent a lot of time in my younger days misappropriating, Ive guess, misnomering. I'm not really sure what the right word is right now, but Ive misplacing intimacy with just victimacy. And it's Ive, So I'm thinking that we're having with this intimate exchange because, you know, you're inside my body. But for the other person, like, they may not be feeling that way, and they may just had been Ive, you know, you're a bad bitch. I'm trying to get in that. And that to me, it it took a while to understand that, like, every sexual interaction is not necessarily an intimate interaction. It might literally just be physical. But in conjunction with that, like, you can have intimate interactions that are not related to the physical. And sometimes that's about just affection. Ive, sometimes I can just be, like, physical affection, like, being held and cuddles. Sometimes it can be in the type of conversations you're having. You know, I'm being able to create that safe space to have, like, the types of conversations that may not be reserve for, you know, the dinner table, etcetera, etcetera. Like, sometimes I'll just say the demand, like, can you just say something sentimental to me? And, like, you know, he'll think. And then he'll give me some sense, you know, and there's a certain intimacy in me just being able to say that to him without being self conscious. And so I think, like, it's like having that space of intimacy is really about you being able to show and express with yourself, particularly in this context in a in a romantic and a loving way without it feeling like you have to be self conscious. Because that's a road in relationship that takes longer for some than others. In some relationships that may feel like you never get there. You know? And then if we extend it beyond just romance, it's like the intimate see is just literally the ability for you to be your whole self in front of someone without feeling like they're going to not like you now. And that takes time and trust and and action And that's something that you have to consciously create space for by the way. That's not always just just happen. Like, you have to be consciously aware that. Some of the people say things to you and you may be flipping about your response because Ive you're just not even thinking, but that right there, your response that you were flipping about may have put a chink in the intimacy armor. You know? It might Ive just been like, and now that Seales space is Ive air depleting out of it. And now if you're in the film, the marching, what's gonna happen is that the whole thing is gonna blow up. And now all the potatoes you grew are no longer good. That space. I think it was like the s hat or the m hat or the l hat. I've seen the march and many gosh darn times. You would think that I would know. But basically, Ive, he had created this space in space on Mars where he was able to grow potatoes and it was a miracle that he was able to do this with the little ingredients that he had in terms of, like, you know, water that he had to collect from his own sweat, etcetera, etcetera. But the metaphor before it gets off the rails is the fact that you create this little bubble in your relationship that's your world, and that world is an ecosystem that you are building with trust. And as you continue to tend to that ecosystem and as you continue to be caring and nurturing and watch all of that ecosystem, you create space for other things to grow. And when you are not that way, then you create little fishers that can cause things to die and cause things to, you know it's like my mom's backyard in Florida has become basically a gosh why do Ive keep saying gosh darn has become this sanctuary of sorts where Ive animals just show up, hawks, and possums, and raccoons, and it's not even like she has some super duper massive backyard, but she has a big enough backyard where Ive animals just be showing up, cats, etcetera, because there's no harm there. And it's, like, gotten like, word has gotten out amongst the animals that, like, when you come to this particular backyard, you're gonna get a birdbath, you're gonna get seed, you're gonna get you know, limbs that you can sit on for the shade. You're going to get some little treats, some fruits, etcetera, etcetera. And so Ive they keep coming. And so you wanna create that space, that intimate space. So those are some green flags. I know that went off on a little tangent there. It's been a while since we've done a solo episode, so you know. Bear with me. So if you're like me, you have a pet they're part of your you're Ive me, you have a pet, they're part of your family. It is very it is very real when it seems like something is not on point. Health Ive. Like and I'm somebody who really tries hard not to be a hypochondriac pet mom. But at the end of the day, it's Ive, I'm on a dog and I'm a new dog owner. So I'm still like learning, like when something is like crazy and I should be worried or when something is like, oh, it ain't gonna be fine with so I'm still like learning Ive when something is like crazy and I should be worried or when something like, oh, you're gonna be fine that. In that with In that process. It's like, okay, how many visits to the vet are we going to it's like, okay, how many visits to the vet are we make? And for those of you all who already know these beds be booked up, okay, these vets are booked and And for those of you who already know, These vets be booked okay. These vets are booked and blessed. So it leaves you to then have to go to urgent care, which is just its own other time So it leaves you to then to go to urgent care, which is just its own other time suck. And so how do you deal with And so how do you deal with this? Boom. Fuzzy. Fuzzy is a telehealth service for pet parents that offers twenty four seven access to personalized pet care from veterinary professionals. From everyday questions to middle of the night emergencies, Fuzzy has the answers pet parents need. Through live chat and virtual pet consultants available to you. Are you all are you all ready? Twenty four hours a day. Seven days a week. Fuzzy can answer your pet questions big and small, urgent. And every day, this is a game and every day. This is a game changer. 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And it was just like, oh my God, this is too was just like, oh, my god. This is too much. It's coming out, both It's coming up ends. And the doctor was like, you know, preventative health care is really like the best thing that needs to be done for And the doctor was like, you know, preventative healthcare is really Ive the best thing that needs to be done for pets. And so often folks can't afford to do it, or they just don't feel the need to do so often folks can't afford to do it or they just don't feel the need to do it. And it's like, yeah, but there's no middle ground to be able to do that in the best way And it's Ive, yeah, but there's no middle ground to be able to do that in the best way possible and fuzzy presents the opportunity to do that. So right now fuzzy offering our listeners a free seven day trial membership, go to your fuzzy dot com slash doses today to sign up. That's free seven day trial at Y0URFUZZY dot com slash doses. And for a limited time, buzzy is also offering a special discount of $20 off any of your pets product And for limited time, Buzzy is also offering special discount of twenty dollars off any of your pet's product needs. PetMeds supplements, food and more with promo code Pet med, supplements, food, and more with promo code docents. That's your fuzzy.com/doses for your free trial of buzzy with access to 24, 7 personalized pet care and vet recommended products do get dog, That's your fuzzy dot com slash doses for your free trial of fuzzy with access to twenty four seven personalized pet care and vet recommended products. Do get all right? Or your cat, or, you know, whatever other animal you have Oh, you can't. Or, you know, whatever other animal you have. This This year. I want everybody to start really wrapping their minds around financial I want everybody to start really wrapping their minds around financial education. I know that shit can be boring sometimes it's even just daunting because it's Ive, oh, god. I think that there's in in this vocabulary. But nonetheless, it's really about making the best use of your money in the best way, because listen, these banks ain't here for you, but you know, who is But nonetheless, it's really about making the best use of your money in the best way because listen to these banks ain't here for you, but you know who is China? So you can kick up 2022 with a better checking account with no monthly So you can get got between twenty two with better checking account with no monthly fees. Chime is an award winning app and debit cards, and it has no overdraft fees, foreign transaction fees, monthly fees or service fees with over Chime is an award winning app and debit card. Has no overdraft fees, foreign transaction fees, monthly fees, or service fees, with over sixty thousand fee free in network ATMs at many locations like most Walgreens seven CVS. You can access your money when you need it and where you need You can access your money when you need it and where you need it. You can also send money to anyone Ive if they aren't on chime. And again, it's fee free for you and no cash out fees for And again, it's fee free for you and no cash out fees for them. This is awesome. Make your first good decision of the New Year and join over ten million people using Chime. Sign up takes only two minutes and doesn't affect your credit score. Get started at chime dot com slash doses. That's chime dot com slash doses. This right here can be a game changer for a lot of folks. Those fees be getting you in your neck. And the lot of times the bank is not even protecting you like and a lot of times the bank is not even protecting you like that. Did you know that the FTC only protects up to a certain amount of money in your Did you know that the FDIC only protects up to certain amount money in account? Not all the money in your account, just a certain not all the money in your account, just a certain amount. So when you're Ive here paying fees and thinking that the bank is looking out for you, they're just looking out for when your fee is gonna come. Get you a Chime account. Banking services provided by a debit card issued by the Bancorp, bank, or Stripe, and a member's FDIC get free free transactions at any MoneyPass ATM in the seven eleven location at any point or Visa plus Alliance ATM. Otherwise, out network ATM withdrawal fees may apply. Sometimes pay Sometimes pay anyone instant transfers can be delayed. The recipient must use a valid debit card or be a chime member to claim funds. Next question. How do you support each other through hardships? Even though you're both hurting and might not be able to communicate effectively. You know, I really feel like those times require both parties to be really giving of grace. And some might say, like, oh, you need to give each other space. But think maybe it becomes where you learn to inhabit your space with each other differently. So it's Ive maybe it's being close but not expecting to speak because communication is Ive not on point at the Ive. But, like, giving each other the grace of not having that expectation, I think maybe that's a possibility. I think also it's, like, there's no, like, answer to how to, like, deal with, like, if you're both going through hardships and you're both going through hurting and you don't have the communication, it's Ive, communication is the key and a lot of times in the way that we interact. So there may be different ways to communicate that aren't with words. Or maybe not verbally. Maybe it's writing stuff to each other. Maybe it's Ive doing small, little acts of service for each other to show you that, like, I'm here with you. And it's still Ive isolated in your space, so you don't necessarily feel like you're having to like be Ive pulled. But it's still something that is selfless. Because supporting each other shows up in a number of ways. And just being there oftentimes is enough. And sometimes it really is the hardest thing to do. Sometimes it just really feels Ive, no, I really wanna get out of here. I really wanna bounce. Like, I really don't wanna be in this mix, but I am finding my way to just planting my feet. And muddling through this, and that can be so much for someone, particularly someone who may have abandonment issues and is used to people leaving. How do you escape the stage of comfortability? You both still enjoy each other's company and have fun, but things become routine and suspected after a certain period of time. How do you get over that hump to switch up the monotony? You know what? I'm not the right person to answer this question because I don't believe in that. To me, that sounds like certainty. And certainty is Seales, but To me, that sounds like consistency. Bunch of locustancy. consistency. I love I love it. To me, that sounds like surety. So affirming. Ooh. Now if you're talking about something sexual, like that's a different conversation, but I really feel like what he's describing is for a lot of Now if you're talking about something sexual, Ive, that's a different conversation, but I really feel like Wiki's describing is for a lot of women I know that it is the golden goose. It sounds like Relayability. live. Yay. Okay. Now, Ive feel like and I I know that some people may be Ive you're stereotyping, but I just feel like I hear about this more from men than women, this idea of monotony and of Ive, oh, that's expected. I want some switching I want some catching up. I want some excitement. Bunchy junk, my brother. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know why y'all want shit switching up. Ive, I love the consistent I when I tell you, I love consistency, it brings me peace and grounding and foundation. So think really what is the change in perspective. You know? That's what they're saying. A miracle is just a change in perspective. It's really you being Ive, this isn't monotonous, this is connection. Ive, this is again assuring. It's reliability. It's consistency. It's guarantee. And that's lovely that I have that because now I don't have to go find it somewhere else. And so many people are missing that thing right there and that's why they are out here, full layling about. Full layling about oh my gosh. Like look of eleven, all the wrong places. So think it's also just a change in perspective. I'm curious to know what he means by the things that are expected. You know, like, is it like we are expected to have sex on Tuesdays and Fridays and Ive, you know, maybe let's just do it on Sunday one day. You know, is it expected that you're gonna make me a peanut butter jelly sandwich and something for lunch? Like, I don't know. When I think of things that are, like, expected that may, like, get monotonous, I don't I can't I'm genuinely, like, But you all start to know who your partner is too. Right? So, like, I'll tell you this. I'm with somebody who is a spontaneous person just by nature of the type of person they are. Like, I tell you all the time, like, you know, he's gonna pop out from behind something and scare me and shit. You know? Like, he's gonna come home with some type of candy or whatever. Like, he's going to suggest that we just go to beach for brunch. Like, you know, so there's a certain level of Ive spontaneity that just kinda happens by the nature of the type of person you're with. You might be with somebody who just doesn't think that way. So maybe then you need to be the one who thinks that way since you're the one who's missing it. Right? And maybe it's about you saying, you know, how can I switch that up? You know, it's like when we realize that to Mia, when she was saying stranger in my house, we thought she was talking about the other person the whole time, and this should realize, hold on, could it be that, that stranger is You know, it's like when we realized that Tamia, when she was saying stranger in my house, we thought she was talking about the other person the whole time. And then she realized, oh, Hold on. Could it be? That the stranger is me. It was her the whole time. That she had just fallen into this, like, version of herself that, you know, she wasn't used to. And now, she's like, oh my god, I gotta switch it up. Maybe you're a stranger in your house. That was a good TNT session. I missed y'all. Thank you. That one time. So that one Ive. You know, I was trying think like, what I wanted to do for that one time in terms of stories because I've been in a long time relationship and I've been in long term relationship. And the biggest difference was that when I was in a long time relationship, there was always a Ive. There was always an energy of Ive this could be it. And there was always this feeling Ive, you know, if the wrong thing was said or that if, you know, the argument, you know, went too far that, like, that was that. And we would always end up coming back together, but at a certain point, just became, like, completely toxic relationship because we were only together by nature of habit, not by health. In this relationship, you know, my partner and I I think we arrived eventually at this understanding of, like, oh, we're not dating. Like, we're together. This is a life partnership. And, you know, we gonna stick it out. And I think that's the real difference that people don't understand between, like, you know, marriages and being with somebody. Right? Because you don't necessarily have to be married by the state of California or wherever you're at to be in a marriage state of mind. And the marriage state of mind simply says we have aligned our lives together in such a way that we understand that we're better together than apart and thus everything that we are doing needs to be moving in that direction. Now, you can say that and it's a lot easier to say than do, but once you've said it, it does give you a thesis statement and something to ground yourself to to move forward to. You know, like, I know a lot of I won't say a lot, but I know women who particularly women. I know young girls who want to be with somebody in a long term relationship. But they have devised in their mind this version of the person. And if they meet somebody and they don't Ive, like, those aspects in that particular way, then they can't see the person beyond that. What I mean to say is, so let's say, like, you're shopping for a car and you want something that has Seales entry You want something that has passenger side airbags. You want something that has a sunroof and you want something that handles well on Rocky Terrain. Okay? If you've decided that those things Ive to be in a bend, you're ignoring that there are a number of other vehicles that have those things that can be just as effective, maybe not better for you than the vets. So, like, when you look at a person and you're Ive, okay, I want them to be ambitious, I want them to be someone who's monogamous. I want them to be funny. I want them to be adventurous. Okay. You may have in your mind that the way that those things show up are in a very specific You may have in your mind that the way that those things show up are in a very specific way. So Ive, ambitions may mean that they have a lot money. Adventists may mean that, you know, they go hiking. They they're really into, like, hiking and doing those types of trips. They are funny, might mean that they, you know, they got jokes. monogamous means that, you know, they are committed to just you. Well, adventures can show up in a number of different ways. Okay? Ive, someone might not be adventurous in the way that they like to go hiking, but they like to travel. They're curious about other places and are willing to go into other spaces that they're not comfortable in. Ambitious doesn't necessarily have to be money. Someone who's ambitious, maybe somebody who is actively pursuing their best Seales, and maybe they're not established yet. But they are moving in that direction. And monogamy I mean, I feel like there's only one version of that, but you know, sometimes people feel like, okay, that means that they wanna get married. They they have to wanna get married. Well, some people might not wanna get married, but they wanna be with one person and they wanna tie themselves to one person and be committed in their whole selves to that person. You know, funny. Someone might not necessarily Ive, like, all the jokes, but they may be silly, you know, or they may love comedy just like you. So what I'm saying though is that, like, you have to kind of sometimes open your mind to the fact that, like, how you envisioned it may not be how it shows up, but that doesn't mean it's not there in the way that you want it. I mean, it is there sometimes in the way that you want it. You just can't see it because you only envisioned it one way. And that's not about settling. That's again about changing perspective. And I think there's a lot of us who when we are trying to determine who is right for us, we have thought about it for so long before anyone actually showed up that we got very rigid in how we think about it. I'm not going to tell you, you know, that you need to settle or know that you need to compromise, but it does take some I'm not gonna tell you, you know, that you need to settle or not that you need to compromise, but it does take some analysis. It does. And sometimes you realize Ive, oh, I need to get out of my own way because I'm over here blocking peace of minds. Like, I'm I'm not seeing something the way that it actually can be seen because of my own shit. And now that I see it, I can own it in such a better way, and I can receive from that, and can pour into that in such a better way. But that's something that I've had to, like, learn in my own time and it's been dope to see somebody else do the same with me. Right? Because it really becomes a matter of decision making and deciding, like, are we really gonna keep arguing about this bullshit? Ive, for When you realize that you just don't have to argue, oh my god. That shit was Ive finding that last infinity stone. So we just don't have to argue about this. Okay. You know, and you gotta see how people don't Ive. Like, I know I'm somebody who, like, gets afraid that if we don't discuss this right now, right now that it's not gonna get discussed and it's not gonna get dealt with. So, like, someone has to show me, he had to demonstrate to me that even if we don't talk about this right now, that it will be addressed, and that it will be considered. Because, you know, you wanna know that, like, you're if if you're particularly a older person, like, if you're, you know, at this point in my life, like, I'm not letting shit fry. Just because I wanna keep the peace if it's something that I think is very important. But I've also had to learn Ive, you know what? You can use an economy of words and you can say what your issue is and then move on. And you keep on awareness about if that's being addressed and that the actions are changing, but you can state it and Ive. Do you understand how hard it has been for me to stick and move? Y'all. Because I'll stay on some shit. Listen, I'm on podcast where I gotta talking about myself for like an hour. I have to stay on some shit now. But again, for the sake of, oh, we're in this. We're not going away from this. We probably gonna have to discuss this several more times in this relationship. And then it might get better and it might backpedal because that's what long term is. humans change at different paces. Humans move at different paces. All of this is just a, you know, it's a Ive. You don't have rapids. You don't have some acid parts. You don't have some waterfalls. It's gonna narrow. There's gonna be tricking theories, etcetera, etcetera. So the long term of it is when you decide, like, well, we just don't we don't we don't Ive. We gone. We're going to ride don't ride it. We go lazy Ive this shit and hold a long time. So I don't know about y'all, but I definitely be trying to find other things to do on my phone than be on these social media forgot about y'all, but I definitely be trying to find other things to do on my phone than be on these social media apps. And I like to play And I like to play games. And if you're craving a good mistreat or just need to get away for a while, June's journey is the perfect game for And if you're craving a good mystery or just need to get away for a while, June's journey is the perfect game for you. Sit back, relax, your inner Sherlock. Escaped to the glamorous roaring twenties. You'll search for hidden clues to solve mystery after mystery, across thousands limited scenes and with no chapters every week, there's always a new case waiting to be search for hidden clues, a solved mystery after mystery across thousands of limited Seales. And with no chapters every week, there's always a new case waiting to be correct. I really like this because, you don't. I like games that use my brain and that also are like nice to look I like games that use my brain, and that also are Ive nice to look at. And this is a very vivid And this is a very vivid game. It uses your It uses your mind. It makes you It makes you think. And it also like relaxes you. You know what I'm saying? saying? Like, and that's the thing I want to play games that I can like be involved in without it like being Ive, and that's thing. I want to play games that I can like be involved in without it like being overwhelming. And also that like serve for like good passing the And also that serve for, like, good passing the time. Like if you're in the DMV or, you know, like I had to take my dog to the vet and sit outside and wait, this is a good time to play June's if you're in the DMV or, you know, like, I had to take my dog to the vet and sit outside and wait, this is a good time play journey. So I think for those of you who could fancy yourself, a true crime detective, you can get into it right So Ive think for those of you who could fancy yourself a true crime detective, you can get into it right here. Ready to awaken that detective download June's journey free today on the apple app store or Google Ready to awaken negative, download June's journey free today on the Apple App Store or Google Play. We back in the new year, we back in front of this computer, we back on back in the New Year. We back in front of the computer. We back Zulu. Woo. Here's the thing for all of us coming back to Here's the thing. For all of us coming back to work. It's like going back to work now in a pandemic is very different than what it was it's like going back to work now and a pandemic is very different than what it was before and I don't know about y'all, but Ive it really is a mind fuck to be Ive in the house at work and then like still be in the house when you're not working. And so like, it's like, okay, how do I, you know, make it seem my, how do I make myself feel like I'm still engaged, but also that I'm not wearing like the uncomfortable clothes that I may have worn to work at And so, like, it's like, okay, how do I, you know, make it seem how do I make myself feel like I'm still engaged with also that I'm not wearing like the uncomfortable clothes that I may have worn to work at home. Even I was trying to sit in front of their zoom in like slacks or in jeans, you trying to sit in front of their zoom in like Slack or in Seales, you know, know? But they still want to feel like, okay, I'm sitting but they still want to feel Ive, okay, I'm sitting up. I'm I'm I I'm I'm working. I'm I'm ready. I don't know. I've literally had to say to myself, okay, you're going to get dressed every Ive literally had to say to myself, okay, you're gonna get dressed every day and then at six o'clock, you're gonna change into your evening clothes. Even though you didn't leave the house, you need to like put on your bank Even though you didn't leave the house, you need to, like, put on your bank holds. And these is your and this is your pajamas. Well, beta brand has got something for you because they want you to not have to sacrifice style for Well, beta brand has got something for you. Because they want you to not have to sacrifice style for comfort. No. It's twenty twenty two. Women deserve better than that. And so they've got comfortable And so they've got will pants. Women need without sacrificing style Polish or women need without sacrificing style, polish, or personality. And I'm just like, I'm always as possible, but they have made it And I'm just like, I always as possible, but they have made it possible. Being a Beta brand. Hasn't been a dress pants, yoga pants, y'all dress has been a dress pants yoga pants. What? Y'all. Dress pant pant. Yoga pants are designed with the fit and flexibility of yoga pants are designed with the fit and flexibility of yoga pants. But they look like polished dress but they look like polished dress pants. This is This is innovation. They're soft, they're They're soft. They're comfy. They're perfectly stretchy and stay wrinkle free. And you can choose from dozen colors and patterns and cut some styles. They got boot They got boot cut. They got joggers, they got prepped skinny and They got joggers. They got cropped skinny more. All of this they've got limited time France, but they sell out All of this. They got limited time prints, but they sell out fast. So you can't So you can't wait. Now for me. I got a pair and I like the skinny, but I like the fact that like, it's just, it really makes you feel like, okay, you see you looking at I got a pair and I like the skinny, but I like the fact that, like, it's just it really makes you feel like, okay, you see, uh-oh, you're looking at me. I look like I'm together because I am together, but I'm comfortable and I look like I'm together because I am together, but I'm comfortable and together. And that has for a lot of us felt like something that was elusive when it comes to styling fascia and they are machine And that has for a lot of us felt like thing that was elusive when it comes to style and fashion. And they are machine washable. Okay? Y'all they even got a denim version. So it's like you in jeans, but you not in jeans cause you and yoga pants and So it's Ive you win jeans but you're not in jeans because you win yoga pants and jeans. I mean, what are they going to come up with I mean, what are they gonna come up with next? Well, right now, thirty percent off your baby brand order when you go to beta brand dot com slash doses. That's BETA brand dot com slash doses for thirty sent off your first order for a limited time. Make sure to use our special URL because it supports our show. Find out why women are buying five pairs of these pants. That's bad days a week, go to beta brand.com/doses for 30% off and give you some comfort while giving you some That's five days a week. Go to beta brand dot com slash doses for thirty percent off and give you some copper while giving you some flavor. So for the script, first of all, in your own self work, I think on a basic note, and I'm sure this is cliche, but whatever, it's always good to read that four agreement. Because the four agreements really gives you some real basic, basic concepts to just ground yourself in to keep you from being the antagonist in your long term relationship. And if both of you all can sign up for I'm not gonna take things personal. I'm always gonna try my best. I can't remember what the other two are right now, but that's why you need to go get the book. If you could sign up for that, she, it helps. Also, get you and your partner aligned with the love languages. That love languages may seem like some cliche shit, but I have seen them be very helpful because at the end of the day when we were talking about communication earlier, they are the different ways that people communicate Ive. And sometimes, you are completely misreading the love that's being thrown at you as something else. Because you didn't understand that that's that person's love language. And they may not understand what your love language is. Ive, For me, it's not enough to just, like, apologize. You better come and put a hand on my shoulder. You better you better do some type of touch. I need a kiss. I need a hug. Ive, that's just a part of my love language. Okay? And Ive my partner, like, he acts of service. And as a service doesn't mean Ive, you know, I'm washing his car, but like making him a cup of coffee goes a long way. A long way. Longer than I would say him making me a cup of tea, like I appreciate it. I love it, but it doesn't hold the same love language I said to you that it does for him. Also, I think if you just check out Showtime series couples therapy. It really is interesting because in watching these couples work through their own personal interactions and their own personal struggles, they may not necessarily be your struggles but it's very educational to see how this therapist works them through those things and the ways in which at the end of the day all of us are simply just dealing with our own baggage when we're dealing with someone else. And the ways that shows up in this series is uncanny. And you might be Ive, well, I'm not, you know, because the couples are all, you know, unique and you're like, well, I'm not like them and I'm not like them and I and then as you keep watching, you're like, Oh, okay. I do do that. Okay. All Alright. Alright. Oh, yeah. I did. I Ive been I've I've been through that. Mhmm. Mhmm. And so It's just a nice way to softly deal with your own bullshit by watching others deal with theirs in a very real way. So, for agreements, show times, couples therapy, and the love languages. Get you the script. The last dose. So there we have it. You guys, we've been doing this outcast since twenty eighteen. Over the course of that time, you have seen me date people, you've seen me talk shit about people, you've seen me love people, you've seen me get hurt, I mean, I I I've lost a child. I mean, I've had such a journey. And I continue on this journey, and I think it's really super dope that I've been able to cultivate this space with you guys where I hope that well, I know that because you share with me, you know, that I am joining you on your own journeys. And I said this before and I'm I really mean it. I've learned that my transparency is a form of philanthropy. And I gotta say, you know, I ran into denised the other day. And he was Ive, my god. And you're like, I'm so glad to see you. Oh my god. Yo. Just just seeing you in love is so beautiful. You know what I'm saying? You just thought, oh, it's such a beautiful thing. It's such a beautiful example in headlock at this boy. this is a stupid thing, you Because I didn't know he I'm saying, I didn't know if he was gonna find that because he's so tough. Pumpkin, dearink. Pumpkin. And I was Ive, what's your name? And he's like, you're tough. And I was like, nah. If you think on top is because you haven't given me a reason to be soft, and that's really the story for so many of us. People see a version of us that we show them because that's the version that has had to show up for us to maintain. And when someone gives you the opportunity to be vulnerable, to showed softness, to You don't let them in, particularly us cancers, then they have done something right. They have. People say, oh, to me all the Ive, like, you need to be more vulnerable. You need to vulnerable. And it's Ive, I am incredibly vulnerable. I just don't necessarily feel like everybody has demonstrated the acuity to handle my feelings with care. So therefore, I'm not gonna place them in their hands so that they can rumble my shit. And then I'm the one who has to deal with it because I get easily disappointed, because I am an empath and because my feelings get hurt and I'm sensitive. No. So I'm conscious and cognizant about who I allow to have access to that part of me. And in this journey to finding partners, it's really been trial and error with that. Sometimes, you know, I'm thinking I'm being conscious and fine not like, no. You're actually being dumb and they got you. Got you, bitch. He kinda shit out of you. He thought he was a safe place and he wasn't. You know, sometimes it'd be like that with friends, etcetera. So I'd say all that to say though that the goal is to be able to take your mask off and live with it off. And I will say that people come up to me and they're Ive, Amanda, like, you just Seales so happy now. You're just so lighter, etcetera, etcetera. And can safely say. Part of that is because I'm in the house all the time and I simply just don't have to deal with as many jack on a regular basis as I used to. The other part of that is that I'm with somebody that has consistently demonstrated a foundation of reliability and of support and of acceptance of who I am and love from who I am in a way that has only bolstered my own freedom to be that in other spaces. It's taken some Ive, and it's gonna continue to be a work in progress. And for those of us out here who are listening, who have been in relationships for you know, ten and eleven and fifteen and twenty years. I know that your stories are gonna be possibly very different than Ive. You know, you may have had other suggestions in and answers to these DMTs, which is why this episode is when I say side effects of a long term relationship. I mean my long-term relationship, but we continue on this I mean my long term relationship. But we continue on this journey. I'm so glad that we get to continue to do this. We are in another year. It's a new time. Same shit. But we will continue to forge forward. Thank you to everybody who has been listening. And if you're a new listener, welcome to the show. You can also make sure to check out our Patreon where have extended segments from small doses, and we also are beginning some new audio content that you all will be able to get into. So Patreon is our space for exclusive bonus content. So head over to patreon dot com slash smart funny in black and make sure to continue to support the content that we've been creating and that we've gonna create. Happy new year or just new year because I feel like happy is high bar. 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