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0:33

out to everybody who came out to our smart Pan-Am black show in Boston this week.

0:37

It was absolutely in

0:39

It

0:39

was

0:39

our

0:39

first

0:39

show

0:39

since

0:39

the

0:39

pandemic

0:39

and

0:39

you

0:39

all

0:39

did

0:39

not

0:44

disappoint. We were turned up from the beginning to the end.

0:46

Thank you to everybody who came out and made us feel welcome back on the stage.

0:49

Now we will be heading over to New York city for the New York comedy festival, November 12th at the Apollo.

0:55

So if you haven't gotten your tickets a smart, funny, and black in New York on November 12th, make sure you go and get them.

1:01

We are trying to sell this bitch out.

1:03

We bet baby. And it's time to get y'all back into smart, funny yet.

1:07

And while we're on the topic of smart, funny, and black, make sure you check out our Patrion for exclusive content bonus materials, all that good steps, because you know what we felt like we needed to give you all more.

1:18

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We want to give you more exclusive content from yours, truly all in the smart, funny, and black space.

1:26

So make sure you go to P a T R E O n.com backslash smart, funny, and black, and join us and get into the goodness that we got going for you.

1:35

Now let's get into this episode.

1:37

So

1:53

funky.

1:56

Okay. I'm here. I'm ready Folks. He's here.

1:58

He's ready. The question is you're here, but are you ready?

2:02

We have a fabulous guest today.

2:05

And when I say fabulous, that's like a word that means multiple things, multiple layers for this person, because it's not just fabulous in terms of like, oh, I like their disposition, but it's fabulous gender.

2:14

Like they're giving you fat. Like their hair is giving you fab.

2:16

The thickness of the beard is giving you fab.

2:18

The style is giving you bad as it's, it's a whole thing.

2:22

And I have just stepped off of his podcast, getting curious with Jonathan, Vanessa, and he has stepped into small doses.

2:30

And so like, we just like, yeah, like, boom, boom.

2:36

He stepped in the room and I

2:41

didn't hear your podcasts is beautiful.

2:43

I love it. In here.

2:45

The seats are cushy.

2:47

The temperature is perfect.

2:48

And I'm so excited doing your podcast.

2:50

I can not literally see on it.

2:52

We have literally been talking about this for years and literally, so what happened was originally when I tried to get you on the podcast, you to just like blown the fuck up, like the first season of queer eye had happened and you were like, I'm going to try and get a coordinator to coordinate it.

3:06

And the coordinator was like, you have to come to where we are.

3:08

I don't know where you were at the time, but I like couldn't get there.

3:11

And I was like, you know what, when it's time it will happen.

3:13

It will happen.

3:15

I think you were in London. Like you would just, you were just set and then you were having to try it.

3:19

And I was like, this is a beautiful thing because I met JDN when he had a show called gay of Thrones.

3:25

And we literally on the show would like break down him in fronds while he like plays in your hair and does your hair, and anyone who knows anything about me knows I'm obsessed with game of Thrones.

3:36

So this was just such a beautiful opportunity.

3:40

And we have been cool ever since, but we are also both obsessed with gymnastics.

3:47

And

3:47

so

3:47

that

3:47

became

3:47

also

3:47

a

3:47

through

3:51

line. But I want to know, because I don't know if I've ever asked you this, but like, how did you get obsessed with gymnastics?

3:58

That's a really good question. I also just realized that we never got to talk about the, in the game of Hans.

4:01

So I got obsessed with gymnastics.

4:05

Wait, do we need to, like, I don't need to launch into gymnastics.

4:09

Did I bring up a bad thing?

4:11

This episode is supposed to be side-effects of drama because listen, JPN had talks about like, you know how he manages his drama.

4:16

We have a lot of drama to talk about. We have dramatic drama to talk about.

4:19

We had celebrity, like being a public.

4:22

I don't like the word celebrity, but being a public person drama to talk about.

4:25

And then also you talked about like how I have my blue, but now you would also say, you know, you're married and you're like 11.

4:30

I want to hear about how that has also yes.

4:34

Show us all how that has also aided in your process.

4:39

Because I also feel like sometimes when you've been like a very independent person, it almost feels like if you like claim the love and like how it's brought like a PCU, then it can feel like you're like weak and that's not the case.

4:54

That's not the case. Like I definitely feel like some people have looked at me like, oh, so now it's all about denim.

5:00

And it's like, no, it's not all about, but I'm not going to like discount.

5:02

The fact that like, it's been very helpful that this nice person is here all the goddamn time.

5:06

So we will get to all the things.

5:08

But when it comes to the gymnastics of things, Jonathan had just asked me on his podcast, who I taught for your favorite gymnast star, I'll go from three number three.

5:17

I would say Dominic does Solid.

5:22

Tommy does number two.

5:24

It's Kesha, but I've really loved Simone.

5:26

I mean, I genuinely, I mean, I just, I love smell.

5:30

My number one genus of all time is lemonade.

5:33

He goes to ditch over Romania and listen lovingly.

5:38

I mean, most of it is just a movement.

5:42

And living here was our 1992 Barcelona floor champion.

5:47

She got a 10 on a floor. She was also, I wanted to say silver medalist and the all around the next 92.

5:52

She led the Romanian team to several gold metal team, gold medals.

5:57

I can't let you, I can't let you buy stuff like that.

6:00

Shannon Miller, no, Shannon Miller was second all around Corrected.

6:09

I knew that you knew it in there. I knew that you knew it.

6:11

I knew you knew it. Wasn't a mistake that wasn't a mistake.

6:15

I shouldn't have one. Shannon should have one record because Tatiana's pike down on her full twist and your Chanco should not have scored higher than Shannon's full twisting your GENCO, which was a Thick

6:30

Gods. And should've gotten the 10 you're right for spending I'm.

6:33

So like, I literally, you talk about chills all the time.

6:36

Now I have chills because that was such an air.

6:38

I can't, I feel so sure. I honestly don't be like, that was an error on your part.

6:43

I feel like you literally are going through move. You're doing a lot right now.

6:45

I feel like you would know you would knowing your brain, what it was.

6:49

You just misspoke and that's like different than like being misinformed.

6:52

You like just had one little moment.

6:54

Sometimes I forget.

6:56

What year is that? Michelle Kwan won her world championships.

6:59

And it really like, I like it makes you question, but I know what it is.

7:05

I know what it is.

7:07

Obviously. 96, 98, 2000, 2001, 2003.

7:12

But sometimes I get fucked up and I don't know all of it right at the top of my head Back

7:18

down I'm Michelle Kwan rabbit hole.

7:20

And the best part of Michelle Kwan skating was, Oh,

7:24

Dick These spirals.

7:36

I can't remember which worlds it was. I want to say maybe when she did Tosca was the name of the program, but there's a particular world.

7:42

She did task in 2004. I know this because it was the last metal.

7:45

She went in the world championships, 2004 Tosca program.

7:48

It was beautiful. Holy shit.

7:50

I went to where he left. Like he lost his mind.

7:53

He was literally like crying. He was, I

7:56

think that was in 2003 on her last world championships, which is in Washington DC.

8:00

And she brought the house down.

8:04

And I do think that he went, cause she brought the house down and it was just a special, because she had just won bronze in 2002.

8:11

And the Olympics, a lot of people were Like,

8:14

oh Yes.

8:17

And she was like did out of my face, you know?

8:19

And it was that stupid fucking groin injury in 2006 that took her out a Torino.

8:23

And ultimately she Zika Arakawa who won gold in 2006, she didn't even do a triple triple.

8:30

And Michelle was doing triple toe, triple toes.

8:32

Now did our Calla warm up a triple SoundCloud?

8:35

Triple loop. Yes. But you didn't do it in competition.

8:38

Okay. So you saying Michelle was in it.

8:40

She was all up in the mix, had that growing up, betrayed her.

8:43

So get out of my face, Michelle Kwan forever.

8:45

But also I'll tell you this thinking of this most recent Olympic trauma.

8:48

So I realized I'm actually writing some comedy about this right now.

8:52

Not that you asked, but I realized that I'm totally in completely all fucked up because of like NBC's Olympic packages all around with the women's team finals.

9:01

Like I had so much anxiety that the Olympics this year were going to get canceled, that I went back and watched every women's team final from 92 to 2016 every night of the week, the week before the Olympics started, my husband was beside himself.

9:13

Cause he already was bracing yourself for two weeks and you're like, this is fucked up.

9:16

And you're starting like a week early. And I was like, we might not get it when it's supposed to start because it could be fucking canceled as the IOC staff pins and needles every day I was so worried.

9:23

And then I was like, oh my God, I can't believe that I'm willing to like the world trips is endemic and a super spreader for some gymnastics, but I do.

9:28

And I feel it and I don't need it and whatever.

9:31

So I realized that a five-year-old me in 92, a nine-year-old me in 96, you spend some gold medals on a seamless and you do some slow motion of some training.

9:43

So the slow motion of maybe an injury, a voiceover package of like the mom driving the daughter two hours to the gym every day.

9:52

I literally have chills on my arms.

9:54

Like, yes. So yes. When Kerri strug, you know, did that on are different one and a half or were you just going to have on an ankle?

10:01

I cheer it wasn't until, Wait,

10:05

wait, wait. There was like, come on.

10:06

But I feel like a lot of Conditioning

10:08

from the nineties. And There

10:11

was a difference.

10:12

It was a different time or What's

10:17

wrong with me? Not like Told

10:20

me, like, I know that I'm

10:24

not trying to interrupt doing your own fucking podcast. So they're just getting, I'm going to say it.

10:26

I just wish that that voice over would have said like, don't be easy in a phobic against like Russian girls and other girls.

10:33

Cause they're teenagers someday. You're going to be everybody.

10:37

And like I'm over here being 34.

10:39

Like really like, you know, when you were thinking, when the Russian girls fell and you didn't cheer for them because you want everybody to do their best.

10:45

That wasn't my truth. My husband has a video of me when they fucking bell up beam where I was like, we're in this one, this come on.

10:53

Like

10:53

I

10:53

am

10:53

a

10:53

bad

10:53

person

10:53

when

10:53

it

10:53

comes

10:53

to

10:53

I

10:53

D

10:53

I,

10:53

I,

10:53

it,

10:53

and

10:53

it's

10:53

all

10:53

because

10:53

of

10:53

these

10:53

packages,

10:53

it's

10:53

all

10:53

because

10:53

of

10:53

you

10:53

turn

10:53

on

10:53

some

10:53

lame

10:53

music

10:53

and

10:53

I'm

10:53

like,

10:53

and

10:53

I

10:53

turned

10:53

into

10:53

this

10:53

frothing

10:53

at

10:53

the

10:53

mouth

10:53

of

11:10

Patriot.

11:12

I think part of it also is that you're younger than me.

11:16

And so by the age that you were like conscious of things, like of things in a different way, they had switched to this patriotism shit.

11:26

When I was your age watching gymnastics in the like, so early nineties, like you were nine and 92, I was, I

11:36

was fine. I was, I was five and 92.

11:37

And

11:37

that's

11:37

how

11:37

I

11:37

learned

11:37

about

11:37

what

11:37

taping

11:37

was

11:37

because

11:37

I

11:37

was

11:37

afraid

11:37

I

11:37

was

11:37

going

11:37

to

11:37

fall

11:43

asleep. And that's how I learned, like how you taped something.

11:45

Cause I had to, like, I was very preserved.

11:49

Yes. But so I'm like 12 at that time.

11:51

So I'm at a level of consciousness to be able to like take things in differently.

11:55

And back then they were not, America was not the best.

12:00

So the Packages first time in 92 and it was a big Deal.

12:04

The packages were about having to transform this former Soviet union squad into a now fractured Russian squad.

12:14

They were about Sylvia.

12:16

Danielle's Sylvia.

12:19

They were about Romania and, and what's his name?

12:22

Oh my God. I can't even remember. I'm forgetting these names, but they were about like, I distinctly I can tell you, I distinctly remember John Tesh doing a voiceover, talking about Octavian Belew because what was happening was all of these communist regimes were falling and they had these amazing programs.

12:40

They had to like translate into now.

12:42

They didn't have like money for equipment and shit.

12:44

And I remember like a video of Gina goes yawn and living the bitch and Simona almond are doing cartwheels in a wheat field.

12:53

And like, and they were like compelling you to say, to feel for these girls.

12:58

Like they're they don't have money, but they're about to come and do the damn thing.

13:03

It wasn't until Patterson.

13:07

I was in Atlanta because that was really where I was like, wishing, like I was like, that spent lot of horror Tina with her gel.

13:17

And it wasn't until, and it wasn't literally until three weeks ago, three weeks ago or however long the Olympics were when I watched all of them over what I was like spent a lot of her Keana was that bitch.

13:28

And I had to rewatch all the individual all around finals for in 2004.

13:34

I didn't have the time or 2000 who says that 2000 and the great vaults scandal, which actually was 2004.

13:40

Oh

13:40

my

13:42

God. She got fucked over. I mean, now I do think that Farley probably would have won, but it would have been a whole lot closer.

13:47

Oh no, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

13:49

I know it was 2000. It was 2000. Get it together because Carly was 2004 and spent line and went clean all around and finally got her all around metal.

13:56

2000 was the ball and she didn't end up in contention.

14:00

Yes. And then 96, she was that lady on bars.

14:02

I don't know who I don't, I can't remember.

14:06

Cause you know, also too, in those prime time coverage, you combine them.

14:09

You're saying Who?

14:11

I don't think she did, but I don't think she competed in the, all around in 96.

14:15

And if she did, she didn't medal in 96.

14:19

Her kina No.

14:20

All around in 96 was one by Lillia.

14:25

I couldn't finish because of Dominique and Shannon having a bad all around.

14:27

So I was, I was crying in a puddle of nacelle fell on the floor.

14:31

I,

14:33

I was inconsolable. I, and I think I stopped watching.

14:35

I was like the silver, The

14:37

silver I'm going to have to Google it. I can't live, I can't live my life.

14:41

I mean, but to be honest. So, but I say all that to say like at that time, like gymnastics, we didn't have the internet.

14:47

So like you were watching, you were getting your gymnastics from like international gymnast magazine.

14:51

That was really where you got your gymnastics from international engineers magazine.

14:54

And they would have these giant posters.

14:56

And it would be of all of these girls from all over the world.

14:59

So my walls were covered with like mostly line from China and Dina could check TBA.

15:08

Sorry I pulled it up. I'm sorry, Amanda.

15:10

You're a genius. And you more than made up for your slip of the tongue earlier.

15:16

Yes. Gina goes on one. Silver.

15:18

Yes. Simona Aminar.

15:19

I just learned that MNR, someone Aminata who did, who embedded the M and R was all the way back in 96.

15:27

She

15:27

had

15:27

such

15:27

a

15:27

long

15:30

career. Yes. And she was doing that vault On

15:32

the old, She

15:35

was doing that two and a half on the, And

15:38

then that was all the whole, like Rado con with her allergy pill.

15:41

And that was all 2000 drama.

15:46

Okay. Wait, so did we ever get to your top three or did I literally systematically interrupt you on every single fucking gymnast?

15:53

And we did talk about Romania and all the good things.

15:55

So I'm glad that we got all of that out.

16:01

You know, things are still stressful. I think a lot of people have come to grips with the pandemic of things, but now we're dealing with like all these other outside factors, like a supply chain backup and politics is looking real sketchy.

16:13

And we still are having all of the byproducts of, you know, people not wanting vaccines and people wanting vaccines and what that's doing with kids in schools, et cetera, et cetera.

16:24

It's a very tense, tense, tense, tense time.

16:26

And with so many stressors, it can be very difficult to keep your nutritional habits up.

16:30

I don't know about y'all, but like it gives me anxiety.

16:33

It makes me not sleep well.

16:34

You know, I need to exercise more, but then I'm kind of like doing other things that I feel like are necessary and needs to get done immediately.

16:42

It's just like, how do you take care of yourself?

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That's the other thing y'all want me to take like six gummies and two gummies over here and then five gummies over the course of the day and shit.

17:21

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20:41

But now I want to talk about you because you had mentioned on your podcast about just like the drama that you experienced with fame and social media.

20:52

And like, it's like a topic that I feel like keeps coming up in like all these different conversations I'm happening.

20:56

I'm having, but it always ends up being like me talking about it.

20:59

So I want to talk to you and hear about you.

21:01

Like, if you want to hear about like the full experience, then you, we already talked about it.

21:06

So I'm not gonna bring that back to you because it was difficult.

21:07

But how did you get past that?

21:12

Like, and did you even allow yourself to admit to yourself in the beginning, like, Hey, like, this is not good for me.

21:17

Cause I think the part, I think it's like, we sometimes tell ourselves, like, it's just social media.

21:21

Like it's like, you're the problem, not social media.

21:23

Like, why are you letting this? Right?

21:25

Like these people who don't know you bother you, why are you leaving?

21:28

Letting them create drama. But it's really real.

21:32

Yeah. I mean it is. I think my, I have this friend of look, do you know, a low Duvall Oak you're out luck.

21:37

So look is amazing. A locus, this gender nonconforming non-binary poet.

21:43

And they always say that they're a poet first kind of in the way that you're a comedian, because like you can do so many different things through it.

21:49

But I just, I love them so much. And they are one of my really close friends.

21:52

I've learned so many things from them and I'm always like blown away by the compassion that a local cause a local post, these things like someone say something horrific and then a low can just shine, like such a light on them.

22:02

And the one like post it and it's always, I'm like, gosh, you're so good at talking to people.

22:07

I just want to like, be like, go fuck yourself.

22:09

And there'll be like a local be like your issue is that with my outfit or my body here or whatever, this is about you.

22:17

And I hope that you find the love and the compassion that you need to like, just open it.

22:22

And it's just such this beautiful thing that they're able to do.

22:24

Whereas I'm like, go fuck yourself. Your hair is ratty, go get fucked.

22:29

And

22:29

then

22:29

I'm

22:29

like,

22:29

oh

22:29

my

22:29

God,

22:29

I

22:29

can't

22:29

do

22:29

that

22:29

because

22:29

I'm

22:29

like

22:29

a

22:29

beacon

22:29

of

22:29

light

22:29

and

22:29

love

22:29

and

22:29

lay

22:29

people,

22:29

you

22:29

know,

22:29

like

22:29

I'm

22:29

all

22:29

sweet

22:29

and

22:36

stuff. But then, and then I like, oh my God, delete the comment.

22:38

So, you know, there's that. And then also, ultimately Aloke also told me, look was the one who was like, turn your fucking DMS off for people who you don't message.

22:49

And then look, I was like, I've been wondering since you had 1 million bucking borrowers, when you were going to fucking turn that shit off, like, I don't know why you're letting all these people have access to you.

22:58

Like stop letting all these strangers have access to you.

23:01

And I was like, okay, fine.

23:03

And he was like, they haven't earned it.

23:05

And I was like, you're so right. And then it became this like kind of, you know, it was like very like much like addiction, like just like wanted to like look as compulsively looking for it.

23:14

Why do we do that? Like, What is, I Can

23:16

seek that for myself. Cause when, you know, I was in my twenties, I was just like, you know, slutting it up all the time and I wasn't famous and I could just like, you know, slut it up on grinder and I am very sex, positive and loving.

23:26

And it's like, you know, it's just, I was looking for the validation through the deck.

23:29

And then when you stop doing that all the time, you're like, oh, well, all these people are giving me this like nice validation about like non-sexy stuff, which is really fun.

23:38

And that is kind of, I guess, harmless and actually, well it's not harmless.

23:42

Like it felt really good, but it wasn't.

23:44

And according to my therapist, it's your survival instinct.

23:47

And your it's like your threat per sector, because all the good stuff is like sweet, but that's not going to like end your career and like stop you from being able to like provide for your cats and like, you know, live your life and stuff.

23:58

So we're always like looking for the threat.

23:59

You're always scanning the horizon for that, like that tiger or that, you know, that thing that's going to come eat you and like take your family.

24:06

Like when we were just, you know, Forigin and stuff in the day.

24:10

And so she was like, that's like your it's your reptile brain.

24:13

Like, you know, making sure that no cheetah or tiger or whoever comes and takes your stuff.

24:16

And then my therapist was like, and for you HIV positive person, who's in recovery from like, you know, drug addiction and sexual compulsivity.

24:26

And you've been through all this stuff. Maybe the other shoe already has dropped.

24:29

Maybe you don't always have to be worried, but like some other really bad thing's going to happen and you can enjoy, like, you don't always have to be worried that like something's going to like be really fucked up or like, but that's my trauma is talking.

24:42

So what I did is I just had to like cut it off and even sticking to what you were talking about later about having a relationship.

24:47

I think that that's actually been really one of the healing things about my husband, which still isn't like, it's still, I'm not used to saying it, but that's been one of the really healing things for married.

24:57

We got married in June of 2005, but I didn't tell anyone about it until like new year, what our families knew.

25:04

And like, I don't know why I said 2005 of things.

25:09

Cause we were talking about gymnastics in 2005 was on the side from looking at gymnastics law, 20, 20, I'm sorry.

25:15

It's June 5th, 2020.

25:17

Get my life together.

25:18

It's

25:18

like

25:18

so

25:18

it

25:18

was

25:18

June

25:18

of

25:27

2020. We didn't tell anyone publicly until like new year's day of 2021, because we just went in time to like, obviously get used to being a married couple and have our own space.

25:38

And it's just so much when you're disclosing so much about yourself publicly, but that has been one of the really healing things is that like, I don't need to look so much.

25:47

It's just kind of crystallized what's important to me.

25:50

And like my family's important to me, that relationship is really important to me, us raising our animals, who are our children are really important to me creating a safe space in order for me to be able to continue to do my work and help to de-stigmatize HIV, sexual compulsivity drug addiction helped to continue to expose the inequalities that I really want to work on for people at large, but not be so devastated by how people reflect on me in certain times that I'm unable to do the work.

26:17

That's really important to me.

26:19

So really, and how it looks at it.

26:21

It's like I needed to really protect my space so that I can do the work that I want to do and trust that my team, if I do, because I also was like, it would be like, well, what if someone has like constructive feedback that I really need to hear and I should be able to, and my it's like, I need to trust that.

26:37

Like my friends and my family can provide that.

26:40

I don't need some, I don't need Karen and Ohio to tell me, you know, why she doesn't.

26:46

But

26:46

also

26:46

I

26:46

hate

26:46

when

26:46

it's

26:46

someone

26:46

from

26:46

with

26:50

it. Cause like there was a thing that happened last year before I turned my DMS off where this fucking kid was like, like screenshot that Uber eats ad and was like, don't you have enough money?

26:59

Like, why do you like in my DMS?

27:02

And it was one of those days where I had time today.

27:04

And so I responded and the DM, which was a huge mistake.

27:08

And I was just like, you know what, for me, like, because he ended up screenshotting all of it and he was really pretty famous on Twitter.

27:17

And so then he was post all these screenshots and then I had, you know, hundreds and thousands of young LGBTQ people telling me to die of aids, kill myself.

27:27

You're fucking, neo-liberal capitalistic pig.

27:29

You had LGBTQ.

27:31

Oh yes.

27:32

Like, like just like you are a fucking capitalistic pig you're piece of shit.

27:36

I knew that you were fucking trash when you endorse Bernie, go fuck yourself.

27:40

Like a lot, like people want to bring up Elizabeth Warren.

27:42

They want to bring up all sorts of shit.

27:45

Cause I mean, and when I first got, you know, very well known in this public, I mean, there's lots of times where I would pop on Twitter and say some shit that I did not need to say ditto.

27:53

And, and, and people will still come to me for things I've said years ago that were, that I've apologized for like whatever.

28:02

But on that particular instance, this guy had like a pretty, or this person can't remember what their gender identity is.

28:07

And I don't wanna like mis-gender someone, even if they were a fucking nightmare.

28:09

And so in the message, I basically was like, you know what, basically, I grew up on a corn field next to a hog farm.

28:15

It would have been very helpful for me to see people like me, gender nonconforming, people like next to fucking Simone Biles and a house, you know, next year or whoever and say, well look, people do, they can go succeed.

28:28

They can be successful.

28:30

They can be taken seriously. Even if I'm going being a comedian.

28:32

And it's like, but honey, I got paid a lot more for this than you're ever going to fucking probably do.

28:36

And so it is kind of cool.

28:38

And I feel like it's, for me, I felt, I didn't say this in the message.

28:41

I was just like, it's a big deal. I want it to be able to create conversations for people who need it.

28:46

And for me, this is an issue of representation.

28:48

They were saying a lot of stuff about like prop 22 with Uber at the time.

28:51

Like I like I've been doing this campaign for a really long time before these, this like happened.

28:57

And so it just, that part was kind of unfortunate, but that was kind of where that person was coming from, in addition to some other things, but screenshotting it posting on their Twitter.

29:07

And then he's got this deluge of like activists, word deluge DeLuz of activists who wanted to smear my blood on the walls.

29:14

And I think they actually like having crazy transphobic, like Trump supporting people want to smear your blood on the walls is like one thing.

29:21

Cause it's like more par for the course.

29:23

But having come from your own community, it just, it seems worse.

29:26

It hurts worse.

29:27

This one time, this girl on Twitter said some of the meanest shit to me, but she was just like really like fierce, like translating.

29:35

And I was like, oh, and she had this like go fund me for like some stuff she needed done.

29:40

And I was like, I'm just going to pop on there and take care of her little GoFundMe.

29:45

So I did it and then, but I didn't say it publicly.

29:47

I didn't, but then I like messaged her.

29:49

And I was like, I just to let you know, I took care of that.

29:51

And you know, people are still people and like, just think about that before you tell someone to like, go fuck themselves and like jump off a cliff Therapists,

29:59

tell you that you didn't need to do that because if they didn't, I'm here to tell you, Well,

30:02

no she did. But then like, but then that person, I didn't really even need my therapist too, because then that person immediately just said this, like all this crazy hateful shit and was like, well thank you.

30:11

But you're still district like just all the stuff I was like, oh, like sometimes people, even if you do want to help them and it's coming from a good place, they're just going to shit on you.

30:20

It doesn't matter.

30:23

Not in a good place, but they're not even in a good way.

30:27

Got all my stuff on Twitter. That wasn't my face of being addicted to searching myself on Twitter though, which was before turning them mess.

30:36

So that was like a 20 18, 20 19 things.

30:37

I was like, oh, what are the children thing? And you don't want to do that About,

30:42

was that your ego that was saying like, what are the children saying?

30:45

Or do you think it was that reptilian brain?

30:47

It was the reptilian brain because it really, when it became an issue at first, where I noticed that it was happening was when my book came out.

30:53

Cause I was like, oh my God, what are people gonna say about HIV status?

30:55

What are people gonna say about being a survivor of abuse?

30:57

Like what are people going to be saying about it?

30:59

And there was a lot of support, but actually that same week, this video came out from 2018.

31:06

It was the first series of interviews that I had ever done with queer eye.

31:10

And I think just asked to see, it's like off the cuff questions about politicians and like politicians styles.

31:16

And it was Hillary was Bernie.

31:18

It was all these people. But when Bernie came up Cramo said something and I, which was fine, love him.

31:25

He was just like, I never felt the burn. I was team hill hill and you know, same.

31:28

And so then in 20 16, 20 16, we're talking 2016 stick with me.

31:32

So then I was like, look, could Ronald Reagan be bothered to say the word HIV aids?

31:37

No, but he knew how to put some goddamn gel in his hair and like, get the fuck elected.

31:43

And I just wish that on the democratic side, we knew how to like get someone in there to make the good choices.

31:52

Cause like I'm into Bernie's policies.

31:55

But like I was so, so basically I read his style and quoting this Ronald Reagan thing as a joke, I'm a comedian, I'm an HIV positive comedian.

32:05

People don't know I'm HIV positive at the time.

32:07

This is like February of 2018.

32:10

There's like layers to this that they don't know.

32:13

So the week that my book comes out, that video started making the rounds on Twitter.

32:18

And so people were like, you're making jokes and that video, like then when tick-tock happened, Jesus, now the video just comes out like every eight weeks and there'll be some person who's like, I'm going to take down JV.

32:30

And with this Bernie video and I'm like, honey, I've been, that's 20 nineteens news, but that's just a sort of big, I'm just like, I don't want to, like, I don't want to spend all my time in this drama and in this, like it just sucks.

32:42

And I've apologized at the Bernie thing.

32:44

Like I've apologized about that video. Cause also really what I had to look for in my side of the street, in that way To

32:50

give for the Bernie thing.

32:52

Because If you're a fan of mine, this is how I felt about it in my, in my heart.

32:56

If you're a fan of mine and you didn't know where this video came from, why I was saying that because the video clip is taken out of context.

33:06

Okay. So if you didn't know and you never saw me say anything about it and you just see this video for the first time and you're like, wait, he's talking about HIV, activism and awareness.

33:15

And then he's just saying this thing about Regan. Like I don't know.

33:17

Most people knew that it was a tongue-in-cheek thing taken out.

33:20

Like most people didn't know, but for the people whose feelings, it did fucking hurt and felt like it did hurt their feelings.

33:26

And they weren't about it. If you're a fan of mine, like, I'm sorry, if I really hurt, like, I'm sorry.

33:31

So for That, why would it hurt someone's feelings?

33:35

Cause they felt like I was coming for Bernie when he has been like being an activist for HIV aids policy for LGBTQ policies.

33:41

Like, You know what I need people to do.

33:44

I need people to get over themselves.

33:47

I need everybody to stop virtue signaling all the fucking time without any awareness or acknowledgement of nuance and context.

33:59

You're in an audition for a show where you're expected to give quippy real ass responses about style.

34:10

That's what you're there to do.

34:13

It's a private room.

34:15

And ultimately you're not saying things I'm assuming, but you're not saying things from a bad place.

34:24

You're just seeing them in a direct way.

34:26

Like, and you're saying your hair, I just wanted them to put Upon

34:30

me that it's like You

34:32

are being a comedian.

34:33

So by nature of being a comedian, I'm sure there is sarcasm in there.

34:39

I'm sure there is hyperbole in there.

34:41

I'm sure that there is embellishment.

34:44

Well, that's my probably, but I'm sure that all of these things made it very clear.

34:49

I'm just assuming, but I'm sure that it was clear that this is a comedy clip.

34:53

You're not at the UN general assembly saying, and that's the part that I just get so annoyed with people about is that everybody that does that type of shit, like shitting on you, like how dare you say this, you hurt Bernie's feelings.

35:10

I am a thousand percent sure.

35:13

Bernie watched that and was like, he's not wrong.

35:16

I

35:16

don't

35:16

like

35:20

gel. It's never worked for me. Gel never had never worked for me.

35:23

This is not my thing. My, my daughter is always, I don't know if he has a daughter, but my daughter is always telling me to put gel.

35:28

I can imagine. I just, and so, but I just feel like all the people coming for you, they're not coming for you because they think that you are hurting Bernie's feelings and that he needs them to stand up for him.

35:41

They're coming for you because it makes them feel like somebody to come for you, which is just ego.

35:48

Like, and I don't like that.

35:51

We live in this space now where there, the idea of attacking people is so regular that I feel like there's this very blurred line between like, who really should be shutting the fuck down.

36:06

And who really was just saying some shit like, you know what I'm saying?

36:10

Like was just saying some shit like Camila amazes me, shut the fuck down right now because she or she needs to be set the fuck up to do something actually.

36:18

Instead of just talking, because I feel like she never does any actions.

36:21

It's just like, I'm saying things that they told me to say that at that, that, that, that, so when people are going hard at Camila right now, like I get it, she's an elected official.

36:29

Just somebody that should be working for the people.

36:31

I understand people do the same thing about buying your comedienne.

36:35

Get

36:35

the

36:35

fuck

36:35

out

36:35

of

36:40

here. I am. I'm I'm annoyed for you.

36:42

Thank you. I feel like you went through undue drama because people love fucking drama.

36:49

Like I do you understand what through two weeks of fucking drama?

36:53

Because I said, oh, we will.

36:56

Smith is playing Richard Williams, Serena Williams' father on a, on a movie.

37:01

And I was like, oh, the movie's about original lamps instead of Serena and Venus.

37:06

And then I followed it up by saying, no.

37:09

I mean, I just would've wanted to see a movie about the Asus Rina, because like, I really am curious about like their sisterhood and their process.

37:15

And as for will Smith, I was like, you know, it's just weird to me that he, this light-skinned man will be playing a dark-skinned man, because that's been like such a topic of contention people.

37:23

I'm not going two weeks, two weeks in my DMS.

37:28

Like you bitch will Smith is an Oscar nominated actor.

37:34

I'm like, who said anything about, but you're not allowed to have an opinion.

37:40

You're not allowed to like, even just say something that seems slightly like miscolored, without people, a lot of people feeling like your character is now able to be thrown out to the wolves.

37:54

I also think it's just like how you do.

37:56

Like, I, like once I felt like I was like, you know, like I was like, oh, don't go on Twitter and go for someone.

38:02

Cause I know how it feels when that happens.

38:03

Like now if there's someone who really like does something where I have a personal relationship with them and I'm like, if it's really out of line, like he's, it's like, queen, you said this thing that like, just really hurt my Feelings.

38:14

Like, do you call them in? Or do you call them out?

38:16

No. In Like, it's like, let's, let's look on the side.

38:18

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

38:20

And I'm definitely not saying like, bitch, you need to in the text message, All

38:26

these people coming at you, like if they were coming at you in a nasty way, I'm just like, so explain to me you're upset at me because you feel like I was nasty about Bernie, but that somehow informs you to come and be nasty to me.

38:38

Why, why, what makes you a good person now, if you're willing to like wish fucking death and destruction on me because you didn't like, no, sorry that riled up because I want, I am, I've had to learn the lesson of calling people in instead of calling them out because to your point, it's like, I will sometimes just say something, you know, like, and then I forget like, oh, this is the world wide web Platform.

39:08

That's the other cause like in 2018, like I just was like, I was used to having like 10 followers on Twitter.

39:13

Like literally, like I've always just gone on Twitter and been like, and then like once I got more well-known I was like, oh, I can't do that the same way.

39:23

So Somebody like a learning curve, it's a learning curve.

39:29

And to that end, I feel like I'm still on it. Like, I feel like I still have, you know, we were talking on my podcast about your journey and not like, do I want to do this?

39:37

And it's like, I still, I mean, I started crying when you were talking about your stuff on my podcast, like it's still in there, like that hurt and some of that and like, and the trauma of becoming a public figure, even though like, in some ways, like my dreams have come true and they have, and there's, I mean, I just like watching a haircare line, like it's out, like I'm, I'm sitting in the house.

39:59

Let me Tell you, I fire. It's a story.

40:02

Yeah. Greg, like the people put together quite a presentation.

40:07

I received a crate of goodness from JVMs hair, product line.

40:12

And like, the products are beautiful, like their packaging, but then this, this, I had like a cornucopia of, of, or kids.

40:20

I mean, I came home.

40:22

I wasn't even home. And when I came home I was like, oh, and my, my partner said that the women who dropped it off were like disappointed because they thought they were going to meet me, I guess.

40:30

And I wasn't home. And he went and they were like, oh, is Amanda here?

40:35

It's like, no, It's

40:41

such a beautiful, it's a story of it later. I definitely regret it.

40:44

It's like so beautiful. But it's like a both.

40:46

And I feel like my saying for this year, it's like, it's both.

40:48

And like, you know, dreams come true. And that's really excited.

40:50

And also there is still some like growing pains and trauma and like, it's still, I mean, I wrote a fucking book about it.

40:57

Like my memoir was about like, if you knew the whole truth, would you still love me if you knew like all my stuff.

41:01

And so that was like me taking opportunity to tell you my stuff.

41:03

And it's still like, we still, even though however grounded you are and however solid you are and your relationship with yourself, you see stuff enough or you hear at enough people test your boundaries enough.

41:14

You do start, it gives you that imposter syndrome.

41:16

And you're like, am I like, is it bad?

41:19

Am I bad? Does it, should I have whatever it's so that, I feel like it's something I'm still kind of grappling with and like figuring out like really making sure that I have integrity and I'm feeling like I'm standing on my two feet and I'm making decisions that I'm proud of.

41:32

And I feel like I'm there, but it's taken a long time where I feel like I really silenced myself because I was so afraid of like, of fucking up and saying the wrong thing and getting blow back.

41:43

And so I just, there was a long time in there where I just like, I felt like I really shrunk.

41:47

And that's the part when I need that.

41:49

I said, I'm so grappling. Like I'm afraid to have people tell me, like, you know, die of aids or like, you know, as an HIV positive person that like, doesn't feel good to have that be someone's first thing that they say, which happens kind of more than it should.

42:01

Or like, you know, just saying like, I hope your cat dies down here.

42:06

Or like just crazy shit where you're like, I don't wanna hear it.

42:09

And so when you, It takes a certain level of practice to be able to literally like, look at that.

42:18

And instead of internalizing it, look at it and be like, oh, I feel sorry for them.

42:23

Cause like anybody who would say anything like this, like has some shit in them that they are clearly not dealing with their projections.

42:35

It's not what makes me depressed as much.

42:36

It makes me actually sad to my core it's that there are a consortium of folks who will think these types of things about queer non-binary that you would think that this is how you think of people living with HIV, that this is how you think of queer people.

42:52

That this is how you think that you can like that there is this sort of thing in the world is like, cause that's what I'm working so hard to like humanize.

42:59

And so when there's people that are just so showing you like that work, isn't getting through to me and I'm gonna abuse you in the process.

43:06

That's like, I need to go home by cat.

43:08

And then I get up the next day and it's fine.

43:10

And I'm like, you know, and then I find my voice again.

43:11

And God God told me, never let anybody dim your shine, not personally, but on that song.

43:15

So, you know, Just in the song and then we do have the same birthday, which is literally true.

43:24

Like, isn't that kind of your, So

43:33

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43:47

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43:54

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44:04

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44:14

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44:16

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44:20

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44:23

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44:28

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44:31

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44:35

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44:38

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44:39

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44:49

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44:54

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44:55

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44:56

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44:59

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45:08

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45:14

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45:19

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45:21

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45:26

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45:29

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45:32

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45:43

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it

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and

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into

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knowing

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48:23

better.

48:28

I know a lot of folks want to read more and simply just don't have time.

48:33

And I get it. It can be very difficult to find that quiet time to just sit down and read a book, but it doesn't mean that you can't still get in some literature into your life.

48:43

And that's where audible helps you out.

48:45

When you're driving gets you an audio book plan through that speaker system and audible is a leading provider of spoken word entertainment, all in one place at audible, you can find the largest selection of audio books.

48:56

Thousands of titles ranging from bestsellers and new releases to celebrity, memoirs, languages, business motivation, et cetera, with all of that.

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And with an audible membership, you can download titles and listen offline anytime, anywhere.

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Plus the audible app is free and can be installed on all smartphones and tablets.

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And you can listen across devices without losing your spot.

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Then they have the new plus catalog, which is filled with thousands and thousands of audio books, original entertainment, guided fitness and meditation sleep tracks for better rests and podcasts.

49:24

So it's not just books. They've got other different types of content that is really dope, including ad-free versions of your favorite shows and exclusive audio series.

49:34

What I also love is that when you listened to a book on audible, oftentimes it's read by the author.

49:38

In my case, small doses is read by me.

49:41

And when we do audible versions of the books, we sometimes add in different things.

49:45

We add in stuff that's not in the book. When you listen to Mariah Carey's book on audible, like she's singing things like she's adding in little anecdotes.

49:52

So it can be a whole other experience that is different from just reading the book yourself.

49:56

So that's why I love audible because it really is its own literary experience, but it's still getting you in touch with the literature that you want to be in touch with.

50:06

So visit audible.com/doses or text doses to 500 dash 500 visit audible.com/doses or text doses to 500 dash 500.

50:16

You can still be a bibliophile, even if you can't find the time to sit down and read a book, you can listen to a book.

50:26

I really love Gaga.

50:28

And I really love you.

50:30

And I really love just like your willingness to be open and vulnerable.

50:35

And I think, you know, that's also the reason why, like, you were such a breakout person on queer eye, you know, because when someone demonstrates that, then it makes the other person feel like they can do that.

50:46

And that is the kind of reality TV that we really actually need is reality TV.

50:53

That actually is real in the sense of encouraging folks to be real with themselves and with their shortcomings and with their assets.

51:01

I think that both of them, because I think there's a lot of work that we talk about in terms of everyone like pointing out their blind spots and their flaws and like, are you a drama queen?

51:09

How do you, but it's also like, acknowledge, like you're fucking dopeness and you shouldn't have to feel shameful about acknowledging your dopeness and like a lot and knowledging, like the things that you were blessed with.

51:21

And it's not like, it's not like you need to book ticket on it.

51:23

And you know, that's not like the check that you write that says why, this is why I deserve that.

51:29

But someone told me the other day there was just like I said something.

51:33

I was like, I'm not saying I'm better than them. And they were like, but you are.

51:38

And I was talking about somebody who just doesn't come from a place of integrity.

51:43

And I was like, my friend was like, but you are though, like, you are better than them.

51:48

Like, you make an effort to be like, you strive on a regular basis to come from a place of goodness and kindness and compassion.

51:58

And that is better than someone not doing that.

52:01

So you can own that. And I was like, yes, I will own that.

52:07

But I wish people who say I don't do drama.

52:10

I wish they owned that. Anyone who says I don't do drama deals go completely in drama.

52:17

Like I had a meeting with a manager, like, and a literary manager or literally agent, and like we had a follow-up call and she was like, well, you know, I did some research about you.

52:27

And I asked around and I just want you to know I don't do drama.

52:32

And I was like, well, I don't know who you talk to, but, but I know who you're not working with anymore.

52:41

I've literally tried to get off the phone at least three times in a very kind way.

52:44

And like, she wouldn't let it happen. I was like, you know what? I think as best as I just exit the phone call and she's like, no, I just want to make it clear.

52:49

You know, that I've had conversations with people who have spoken about you.

52:53

And I was like, you know what? I just, this is not helpful to H to either of this.

52:58

And this is the drama that you don't do, you're doing, you're doing, and I've had to work really hard to learn how to diffuse drama as it's happening without getting like caught in the tornado of someone else's drama.

53:15

So like your friend elope is clearly a master, like ninja master at that.

53:20

And it's a work in progress even in my relationship.

53:24

Right? Because like, if you are in a partnership with somebody and you're with them all the fucking time, like no one is just like the same level of energy all the time.

53:34

Like people have dips throughout the day.

53:37

You might have like a good mood. You might have like a bad mood or whatever.

53:41

And it can be really rollercoaster if you're going to like respond like every time.

53:48

And so, you know, I've had to learn how to be like, oh, oh look, he's got a have to Let me go about my day.

53:59

And it wasn't like that in the beginning. It was like, why you have an attitude?

54:02

What was it? You know? And I think what you just pointed out with the lizard brain of like protecting your perimeter.

54:08

I really think that's part of what that is. It's like, why do you have an attitude?

54:12

Like, am I the problem? How do I fix the problem was the problem, you know?

54:14

And it's like, now we're, now we have a problem.

54:18

He had an attitude, but now we have a, That

54:20

also kind of reminds me of like, you know, that concept of like your window of tolerance.

54:24

Like sometimes, you know, like with getting in someone else's drama, whether it's like professionally or your person, whatever relationship, sometimes I'm down here and my window of tolerance is up here and I can deal with it just fine.

54:40

And I can be really even keeled.

54:42

What I am really learning now is like how to not get up past that window of tolerance.

54:47

That's what I do turn into Erin Brockovich. I'll be like, you know what, Ms.

54:50

Perez, before we come back with some other fucking bullshit offer, I want you to think about how much your ovaries are worth to you and you Mr.

54:56

Miller, how much is your fine worth to you?

54:59

And whatever that number is, times it by four and anything less than that as a waste of our fucking time, which is not the exact quote from Erin Brockovich, but it's something around there, Like

55:14

within the next week, like I have To

55:16

have you, you've not seen it.

55:19

I haven't seen it in so long. Like I saw it So

55:23

many genius, one liners in this movie.

55:29

I don't want to like oversell it. And then have you be like, this movie fucking sucks.

55:32

Cause also I was like 11 and it was like 2000.

55:35

And it was like really made me go like, fuck TGV.

55:38

But this hexavalent chromium, I've never stopped talking about it.

55:41

I've never stopped thinking about it. I've talked to you about it.

55:43

I literally kind of my producer for my podcast, I literally was responding to her and only Erin Brockovich gifts today also I've interviewed the real Erin Brockovich twice.

55:54

Like I'm twice.

55:57

I'm getting curious, like I'm, c'est with her obsessed with her.

56:03

And also just to give you a heads up, I do have a new gymnastics routine.

56:07

That's a minute and 30 seconds long and it's going to be in my new comedy tour that I do need you to see, like before we can debut it to the world, you could debut like a S a snippet, if you will.

56:20

But I am using grace McCallum's floor from this year.

56:24

I thought you should know. I really was going through it.

56:27

I typically do something from Allie Raisman.

56:32

I did, I did. It turns out it was like a Russian Naval song from 2016.

56:36

So I was definitely doing like a Russian Naval song for all of my performance this year.

56:42

It's not it's but it's, it's really working.

56:46

I'm getting my skills back. I don't know if you've ever had to like relearn.

56:52

I have a tumble track that I travel with.

56:54

I have a proper routine.

56:56

My, my stand-up show opens with, I come out in a USA leotard and I do a full on proper like choreographed a minute and a half.

57:04

And then I do like five minutes, like welcome the crowd.

57:07

And then I like bring on my opener and then they open it.

57:11

Like while I run back de sweat, put my hair up, like my shit, fixed my tuck, and then go back out.

57:17

And so then As a, as a, even just as a order of events, I mean, it's traditionally, it's like, you have your opener and then you come out.

57:25

But I love that you like tease them with some like A

57:29

little bit. I was drunk on stage.

57:33

I was, I was to Stella Artois in, which is one past my limit on stage and Portland.

57:38

That fateful night in 2019, it is a gymnast.

57:40

I'm sure you know what this is like, except for, just to be clear, you're like a seriously good gymnast.

57:46

I'm six feet. I'm six foot one.

57:49

I desperately wanted to be able to do backwards tumbling.

57:52

My whole life could not do it.

57:54

I was in gymnastics. I coach literally was like, this Brings

57:56

us back to the beginning. You never said why you So

58:00

I, it was the 92 Olympics actually to be clear.

58:03

It's the 91 world championships tens.

58:05

The mescal. I was four. I didn't totally understand, but that's what I was like wrapping my head around it.

58:11

92. I understood after that it was like game on.

58:14

I was like always looking at like the guide channel in the nineties that like had the TV show.

58:19

I would literally every Saturday and Sunday. Cause I didn't understand like the word, like a year long calendar every Saturday and Sunday would look on every channel.

58:26

Cause I didn't understand like what the channels were, but gymnastics and that's how I would find it or figure skating obviously.

58:32

So that's how I got obsessed. And then I took lessons and I really wanted to learn, but I was a really soft, cute little pudgy baby.

58:40

Like I really just, I used to call my core, the abyss, cause I didn't know how to squeeze it.

58:45

Like I didn't know how to like, do I just, I didn't know how to do it.

58:49

No one's hobby. And so I remember I tried to do backhand Springs and I would just like flail and my little coach was like, you're not ready.

58:56

Like you should do backward rolls. All the other kids could do backhand Springs.

58:59

And I was just, I felt like I was just this chunky kid and I was never going to get it.

59:03

And I was too scared to do backhand Springs and I could do like front flips on the diving board, but I couldn't, I just had this mental block.

59:08

I had the twist before I even knew what the twisties work.

59:10

That break couldn't twist. I was just going backwards.

59:13

All you said it was like fear of going backwards.

59:15

And so then I, I actually went like one of my chapters in my memoir over the top is about this, but I finally got over the fear of going backwards.

59:23

And then I tried out for cheer. And so I was at eighth grade and this girl was like, try out for cheer.

59:27

And I was like, okay, fine.

59:30

Like, I'll do it. Like the dare me. I'll do it.

59:32

But then I totally made it. And then I realized like the social refuge that these girls provided me is like this young queer kid in these cornfields.

59:41

And actually Karama was asking me, he was like, why are you such like an advocate?

59:46

Why do you speak about, why do you talk so much about like white?

59:50

Like why do you talk so much about like racial equality? Like, why do you love like he and I I've never been asked, like, why do you love black women so much?

59:56

And he was just like, why do you love black women so much? And I was like, I think for me it like comes back at like all comes back to like cheer.

1:00:02

And like those girls, they like took me under their wing and they were like, you will not fucking talk to him like that.

1:00:07

And like, they created this like safe space where like we were both othered in some way and they, and I'm actually just getting so many chills about it.

1:00:16

Cause like those relationships were so formative and transformative for me.

1:00:20

And it's more than just like those cheer relationships.

1:00:23

There was more to it than that, but that was a huge part of it.

1:00:26

So then when I was, you know, I stopped cheering in college and then I, once I started doing stand-up comedy, I was on this stage.

1:00:32

It was the two stellar twelves. And we're coming back to how I got back into it now.

1:00:36

And I did that thing once a year where I could, where I would see if I could still do a standing backhand spring.

1:00:41

It usually happened on like a concrete parking lot outside of a bar, you know, annually.

1:00:46

This is what I do.

1:00:48

And I was onstage and I was like, y'all are here bucket.

1:00:51

I'm going to put this microphone down. There was like 3000 people.

1:00:54

I was like, I'm gonna just do a study about cancer rate.

1:00:56

And I did it. And it was in that moment that it occurred to me.

1:01:00

You dumb bitch, you have a captive audience.

1:01:02

They're not going to leave a few openness show with the gymnastics routine.

1:01:05

Like, why aren't you training a gymnastics routine?

1:01:08

Like this is your chance to heal your inner six year old that desperately wanted his dad to watch their routines.

1:01:16

But now I can tumble. So now I'm just out here healing my inner child while entertaining the people.

1:01:22

And now I have a new routine. It's like really good.

1:01:24

And I, but also like, I, I didn't contract COVID 19.

1:01:29

I definitely got like, COVID 60. Cause I gained 60 pounds in the pandemic.

1:01:32

I like didn't realize it till I went to the doctor.

1:01:34

And I was like, I was like, I know that I'm in t-shirt dresses.

1:01:37

And none of my jeans fit. It's probably like 20 pounds.

1:01:39

Right? Like it's not that bad or anything. And then I weighed myself and I was like, whew.

1:01:45

So now I'm getting all my skills back. It's just been like, bystanding tuck you.

1:01:49

Don't you're not, I want to get back.

1:01:52

I want to standing back back. So today after being back at the gym for three weeks and I've really just been like working really hard, I've been like lifting with my trainer.

1:01:59

I'm like doing all my I'm literally doing twice two a days so I can like get my conditioning back and get it together.

1:02:05

Cause I mean, I used to look at what happened today.

1:02:08

Not on the rod floor, not on no spa all by myself.

1:02:15

I got up, put this so Proud

1:02:19

of you. She's

1:02:22

back. Look, Look at that.

1:02:23

That's like I said, a Fucking major I to go to the gym, We

1:02:35

were going to go and give Thrones. We have to.

1:02:37

And I don't know if you ever want to like come to Austin.

1:02:39

I know it's a kind of bar, but like I have the best gymnastics place here.

1:02:42

It's so convenient. We can go in like anytime before nine, we can go tumble.

1:02:47

I just, I need to see her two and a half.

1:02:49

And also I know, I feel like we're coming to our time, but tell me whenever we're done.

1:02:52

Cause I can go a little longer just to say, what is it like to just do a two and a half on your trampoline?

1:02:57

Well, I will tell you so when I was younger and I was in gymnastics and I had my trampoline, I, the most I could do on my trampoline at home, like a home trampoline was a double and I always had to work really hard to do it.

1:03:15

Now I could do a double on floor. I could, I could do it in a full on floor and I could do it two and a half on floor.

1:03:19

But for some reason, my home trampoline, I could not like consistently just do a double, but at the trampoline at the gym, you know, they had like a fancier trampoline.

1:03:32

I could do a full in, I could do a full end, double back on a, on the trampoline at the gym.

1:03:37

And like when I, cause I had like stress, stress fractures in my wrist.

1:03:40

And so I could just only do trampolines at one point in time, I had, I had stress fractures in my left wrist.

1:03:46

And so I would do everything on one hand. But then from doing everything on my hand, I got stress factors in my right wrist.

1:03:51

I ended up, I ended up, I couldn't do everything on my left hand because I just wasn't ambidextrous to that level.

1:03:56

So then that was ended up keeping my skills on the trampoline.

1:03:58

So I'll be doing it old backs and full ends. And my twists, I could do a triple, I can do a three and a half twists on the trampoline at that gym.

1:04:06

But Kayla Maroney cause she had a three and a half on floor Anyway,

1:04:10

I have a three and a half and we didn't even talk about that drama because the pit of despair that I feel every time I think about what the gymnast have gone through with Larry Nassar and then the subsequent dismissal of their case by these fucking bullshit ass FBI agents is like endless.

1:04:31

Like I literally have to stop myself because I I'm like you didn't even experienced this trauma and you are just internalizing it.

1:04:37

Like the empath you are in such a way that you'll drive yourself to a depression.

1:04:41

So I have to like keep a certain level of distance from it because it is so immensely disturbing to me that this happened to these young women and how many of them it happened to.

1:04:52

And it was completely preventable completely.

1:04:56

Like, but if you can't, you can't tell me the curlies didn't know, you can't tell me that the coaches that were there, maybe they didn't know it supposedly, but that they had an inkling, they had an idea and the FBI agents knew And

1:05:11

I would say the Corolla. Yeah, the Carollee's the hats.

1:05:16

And I think of That only was in, I mean they were obviously Years

1:05:23

back and ultimately we all know a fucking creep, right?

1:05:26

Like even when you look at him, you're like, oh this is a creepy guy.

1:05:29

You know? And so I just think that everybody had become so internalized about like winning and it was just, it got, it just got so out of hand and I'm so, so just my love for those girls and their courage is beyond anything.

1:05:44

I can, I feel like that's a bow.

1:05:46

I feel like what you're describing there, it's like a both. And though, like I can be both enraged and varies that I can dip into that and sit with that and make an actually do take formative action with like who we're working to elect and like who, and like the systems that were trained and also still, I will not, not celebrate these women, their achievements, their past, like their like, cause I feel like we still love the sport.

1:06:12

I feel like a lot of these athletes still in some way, love this sport.

1:06:14

It's like, I just, I feel like both can exist.

1:06:17

And I say this in my book, like your grief and your trauma doesn't have to invalidate if you experience joy.

1:06:22

Cause some of my worst shit lives right next to some of my like best, best stuff.

1:06:27

And I'm not going to let my best stuff be taken from me because there was something that like was bookmarked or was really hard or difficult that lived like around it.

1:06:37

Like you still get to celebrate what a fucking amazing person and athlete and just all around person that you are.

1:06:42

So yes, We

1:06:52

have a segment on the show called the script where we basically give our audience to supplementary materials that they can check out that helps support just the conversation we're having.

1:07:00

So one, I know that everybody got to go watch Erin Brockovich.

1:07:03

That's a fact. Are there any books, any movies, any accounts you follow or anything that you feel supports?

1:07:09

One like your path to dealing with your drama or to just like let people know more about JVM besides of course following?

1:07:18

Well obviously me and then like JV and heroin. Like here's the JVM.

1:07:20

Cause those are like the things you can find me, but things that are just like bringing me straight up joy that I'm like obsessed with right now, Tommy underscore DOE like D O but I'm pretty sure it's dough.

1:07:31

So fucking funny was a competitive figure.

1:07:34

Skater then did the ice Capades. But now he's just this like hilarious comedian who like literally is so fucking funny, like under cover, rising like JV and will be Tommy dough and like different and like he's coming up.

1:07:49

Like you will know his name. I think his, his kind of is so fucking funny.

1:07:54

I don't know where I just, I was thinking about him.

1:07:56

I like look forward to looking at my Instagram to see like, if he's posted something, but, and, but they're already listening to your podcasts.

1:08:04

You're someone who is very much up in there for me, for Instagram as well.

1:08:10

Yeah. I also, I oh yeah.

1:08:13

Books I write and I've been writing, I'm writing a lot since I started writing, I started writing.

1:08:20

I can't stop. Like I cannot stop writing.

1:08:24

And I really feel like now, ever since I did start writing, I almost, I read the news a lot.

1:08:30

I read the news like a lot, but when it comes to reading books, I'm kind of this creative type where like, I don't want to get ideas or swayed or like, I don't even want to know what other people are doing because I just want to focus on like the story and the things that I'm trying to do.

1:08:48

So I w I actually, it's weird.

1:08:50

Cause like I used to be such a big reader. I read like everything my Angela has ever written.

1:08:54

I love Helen fielding. I love Bridget Jones diary.

1:08:58

I love Elizabeth Gilbert.

1:08:59

I love there's so many. I love Bernay brown.

1:09:02

I've read like all of her work. Well, you mentioned Bernay brown in terms of like helping you with identifying like ways to not let your trauma and drama.

1:09:10

Yeah. Can you talk about your term without becoming your trauma?

1:09:13

So her work has done a lot of work for me And

1:09:15

Renee has she, has, she has a, like a special of sorts on Netflix, right?

1:09:21

Yeah. But she has that. And she also has her podcast, which is called daring greatly.

1:09:25

I think that's her podcast and her last book was called daring greatly.

1:09:28

But she has this incredible talk on Ted.

1:09:32

Talk about vulnerability and about the connection between vulnerability and happiness.

1:09:37

Yes. And that, that changed my life in 2012.

1:09:39

And I'm quoting her all the fucking time.

1:09:42

I pulled her in queer eye. I quote her all the fucking time because that talk because you're happy.

1:09:48

Your ability to be happiness in the world is directly related to how vulnerable you're willing to be.

1:09:53

Because if you're, if you are not willing to be vulnerable, if you are keeping everything like, cause it, it, you can't selectively numb your feelings.

1:10:01

If you're numbing your joy, if you're you're numbing your pain of your coming, you're numbing.

1:10:05

All of it. You're going to number Joining your pain. You're also numbing your joy.

1:10:11

Exactly. Exactly. It's a concept like a mafia and a blue in the car right now just went, oh know, there was some screw.

1:10:15

Things is listening to this podcast that you can't selectively numb your feelings.

1:10:23

I can promise you that there are many folks who are like, that's not true.

1:10:28

But to your point, Someone

1:10:30

who smokes weed like daily, I would say it is, it's true.

1:10:36

You really can't. And I think even some of my accomplishments and some of the career highs that I've had, I can't even feel that because I am, I numb.

1:10:45

I'm a number like Sundays. I feel like I can't really sit with the full, all of the, all of it, because I feel like I would just like, I feel like I would just come bust, but I know that I wouldn't, that's just a part that's fearful that I would.

1:10:58

I know that I am strong enough to, but that's, that's kind of my new frontier of like my 34 year old self.

1:11:02

And like that's my new frontier.

1:11:06

Yeah. As a four-year-old. I will tell you that time.

1:11:10

I wa so I guess I just re I guess I didn't it cause you your skin, I mean this, like one of the celebrations of like being a beautiful black woman Henny, like you'll just look 24 for the rest of your day.

1:11:24

My last question too. Cause I think it's asking mine.

1:11:27

Who, what, where, when, why this top, this top is so cute.

1:11:31

It is so bright. The way that it fits you wouldn't use to up, Put

1:11:34

this up on for you. I was Screaming

1:11:36

when you stood up to go get your door earlier.

1:11:38

I, and then, but then I realized you opinion who made this top?

1:11:42

I put this up on for you. This is a random top that I saw on urban flipping Outfitters.

1:11:46

And it was one of these tops where you're like, that's not like your style, but it's so fun.

1:11:53

It has like peace signs.

1:11:57

And then this like random neon and anyone who knows me knows I love a neon, but I literally put, I was like, this is for JPN.

1:12:05

And then I had so much Midriff to which also for me, just like always completes the look for me.

1:12:12

I just see like, give me like a little bit of Madrid please.

1:12:14

Oh my God.

1:12:15

Ah, But yes, I feel fabulous that you took notice because this literally was for you.

1:12:23

I mean, how could I not it's so fucking cute.

1:12:25

So fucking chic, I'm obsessed For

1:12:32

those who want to get more obsessed with the GBN and experience, what do they need to get?

1:12:37

Where do they need to see you? What do they need to follow?

1:12:39

Yes. So I am gun.

1:12:42

I will be doing some tourist stuff coming up later in the year and next year, you know, Ms.

1:12:47

Rona fucking willing, actually, I'm not going to gender Rhone as the female.

1:12:50

Cause that's not happening on my watch. I don't know why, but you said that if Rhona willing, okay.

1:12:56

They hopefully I'll be touring a lot to look for that out.

1:12:59

And then queer, I should be coming out sometime.

1:13:02

And I have, I also have some like really exciting projects.

1:13:05

I literally just have not been able to talk about.

1:13:08

And I still can't, but I've been working on him so much and so hard.

1:13:11

So just, just if you think that someone hasn't been posting stuff, maybe it's because they've been working on some fun stuff.

1:13:18

So that will be so just keep looking out and just JV and you'll, you'll see it.

1:13:27

Well, thank you so much. I'm so glad we did this.

1:13:29

And just like, I agreed to do a part two for you.

1:13:31

Please do a part two for Me.

1:13:35

And I hope that we say shaded, you guys is, I know there's a lot of you, all that like me are obsessive gymnastics and you'd have no one to talk to.

1:13:41

So I hope that you got your appetite west by listening to our spirited conversation.

1:13:47

And there's just so much more that we can talk about in that space, but you know, to, and keep growing and keep shining.

1:13:54

And I think it's always up to like meet people in this business and then see them grow.

1:13:58

And then also see them like, not just elevate as their careers, but like elevate as people and still be grounded and be able to like, just have a laugh and see the things because honey, that's not the case with everybody.

1:14:13

So kudos to you.

1:14:16

I love you so much. Thanks for having me on your podcast.

1:14:17

YouTube pocket podcast network.

1:14:26

If you live or work near friendship Heights in DC, you have a new way to, well, right around the you live or work near friendship heights in DC, you have a new way to weld right around the corner. Well, by Kaiser permanente is primary care like you've never experienced before. It's a personalized approach to great health with skilled permanente physicians. Who are known for delivering better health outcomes, all for your well-being. Health care done well is here, well by Kaiser Permanente at French Avites. Learn more at k p dot org slash well. Shout out to everybody who came out to our Smart Financial show in Boston this week. It was absolutely incredible. It was our first show since the pandemic and you all did not disappoint we were turned up from the beginning to the end, thank you to everybody who came out and made us feel welcome back on the stage. Now we will be heading over to New York City for the New York comedy festival November twelfth at the Apollo. So if you haven't gotten your tickets to smartphone e and Black in New York on November twelfth, make sure you go and get them. We are trying to sell this bitch out. We bet, baby, and it's time to get y'all back into smart funny and blah. And while we're on the topic of smart funny and black, make sure you check out our Patreon for exclusive content, bonus, materials, all that good steps because you know what, we felt like we needed to give you all more. It wasn't just enough to give you a podcast. It wasn't just enough to give you Instagram. We wanna give you more exclusive content. From yours truly, all in the smart funny and black space. So make sure you go to PATRE0N dot com backslash smart funny and black. And join us and get into the goodness that we got going for you. Now let's get into this episode. Here is. Damn it. It's so funky. Okay. I'm here. I'm ready. Folks, he's here, he's ready. The question is, you're here, but are you ready? We have a fabulous guests today. And when I say fabulous, that's like a word that means multiple things, multiple layers for this person because it's not just fabulous in terms of, oh, like they're disposition, but fabulous in terms of like they're giving you fab. Like their hair is giving you fab. The thickness of the beard is giving you fab. The style is giving you fab. It's it's a whole thing. And I have just stepped off of his podcast getting curious with Jonathan Vanessa. He has stepped into small doses And so, like, we just, like, yeah. Like, boom. Boom. He stepped in the room. JVN. I love I didn't hear your podcasts is in here. Your podcast room is beautiful. I love it here. The seats are cushy. The temperature is perfect, and I'm so excited to be in podcast. I cannot literally Seales net. We have literally been talking about this for years and literally so what happens was originally when I tried to get you on a podcast, you had to just, like, blown the fuck up. Like, the first season of queer riot happened and you were, like, I'm gonna try and get a coordinator to coordinate it. And the coordinator was like, you have to come to where we are. I don't know where you were at the time, but I, like, couldn't get there. And then I was like, you know what? When it's time. It will happen. It will happen. I think you were in London. Like, you would just you were just set and then you were happy to try. And I was like, this is a beautiful thing because I met JBN. When he had a show called GEA Thrones, and we literally on the show would like break down Game of Thrones while he, like, plays in your hair and does your hair. And anyone who knows anything about me who knows I'm obsessed with Game of Thrones, so this was just such a beautiful opportunity and we have been cool ever since, but we are also both obsessed with And so that became also a through line. But I wanna know, because I don't know if I've ever asked you this, but, like, how did you get obsessed with essays? That's a really good question. I also just realized that we never got to talk about the end of game at once. So I got obsessed with gymnastics. Wait. Do we need to, like, I don't need to launch into a genre because I don't have a bad thing before This episode is supposed to be side effects of drama because listen, JAPN had talked about, like, you know, how he manages drama. We have a lot of drama to talk about. We have a dramatic to talk about. We have celebrity, like, being a public I don't know if the word celebrity, but being a public person, drama to talk about And then also, you would talk about, like, how I have my boo, but now you could also say, you know, you're married and you're, like, in love. And I wanna hear about how that has also Yes. Yeah. Show us all. How that has also aided in your process because I also feel like sometimes when you've been like a very independent person, it almost feels like if you, like, claim the love and, like, how it's brought like a PCU, then it can feel like you're like weak and that's not the case. That's not the case. Like, I definitely feel like some people have looked at me like so now it's all about the dead man. It's like, no, it's not all about. But I'm not gonna, like, discount the fact that, like, it's been very helpful that this nice person is here all the goddamn time. So we would get to all the things. But when it comes to the gymnastics of things, Jonathan had just asked me on his podcast who I talked for your favorite, Jimistar. I'll go from three. Number three, I would say, Dominic Doss. Mhmm. Solid. Dominic Doss. Number two, it's quiche, but I really love smoke. I mean, I I genuinely I mean, I just I love smoke. Number one genius of all time lemonade. He goes to ditch over Romania and listen is of Romania and listen. Is just a movement. And Libya was our nineteen ninety two Barcelona floor champion. She got a ten on floor. She was also I wanted to say Seales medalist in the all around nineteen ninety two. She led the Romanian team to several gold medal team, gold medalist. Sorry. I mean, that can't let you I can't let you myself like that. Shannon Miller. No. Shannon Miller with second. Oh, my goodness. No. She didn't have the silver behind attention to New York. Thank you, miss Dan. Very strong that directed. I knew that you knew it in there. I knew that you knew I knew that you knew it. I knew you knew it. It wasn't a mistake. That wasn't mistake. What was mistake? Dana should have won. Shannon should have won. You said The record because Tatiana's Pike down on her full to senior gen girl should not have scored higher than in Shannon's full to senior gen girl, which was a tough ficked. The ladies doesn't even take the odds. For the gods and should have gotten the ten. I yeah. You're right. For something I'm so, like, I literally you talk about Jells time now, I have chills because that was such an error. I couldn't be I so emotional. Honestly, I don't feel like that was an error on your part. Feel like you literally are going through a move. You're doing a lot right now. Feel like you you know you knowing your brain what it was, you just misspoke, and that's like different than like being misinformed. You, like, just had one little moment I'm doing that. Yes. Sometimes I forget which year is that Michelle Kwan won her world of championships, and it really like, I I like, it makes it quite challenging. Yeah. But but I know what it is. I know what it is. Obviously, ninety six, ninety eight, two thousand two thousand and one, two thousand and three, but sometimes I get fucked up and I don't know all of it. Right at the beginning. Go back down. I'm Michelle Kwan rabbit hole. And the best part of Michelle Kwan skating was actually dick. Oh, take back. Yeah. It's too bad or too bad. Yes. Big buttons excitement at each time. It's just beautiful. I didn't know Notion. Oh, these spirals. Can't remember which world it was. I wanna see it maybe when she did toss was the name of the program, but there's a particular world. She did Tawke in two thousand and four. I know this because it was the last medal she won in the world championships. Two thousand and four Tawke program. It was beautiful. Holy shit. Is that the one where he, like, he, like, lost his mouth. He was literally, like, crying. He was weeping. I think that was in 2003 on her last world championships, which is in Washington I think that was in two thousand and three on her last World Championships, which is in Washington DC, and she brought the house down, and I do think that he wept. Because she brought the house down. And it was just so special because she just won bronze in two thousand and two in the Olympics. But I think a lot of people were like, oh, like, biting her mom. Yes. And she was, like, get out of my face. You know, it was that stupid fucking groin injury in two thousand and six that took her out of Turino. And ultimately Shazika Aracalla who won gold in two thousand and six. She didn't even do a triple triple. And Michelle was doing triple toe, triple toes. Now, Did our color warm up a triple style cup, triple loop? Yes. But she didn't do it in competition. Okay. So I was saying Michelle was in it. She was all up in the mix, had that gray knot betrayed her. So get out of my face, Michelle Quantum forever. But I'll also tell you this, speaking of this, you know, most recent Olympic drama. So I realize I'm actually writing some comedy about this right now, not that you asked, but I realize that I'm totally and completely all fucked up because of, like, NBC's Olympic packages all around the women's team Seales. Like, I we had so much anxiety that the Olympics this year we're gonna canceled that I went back and watched every women's Seales from ninety two to two thousand sixteen every night of the week, the week before the Olympics started. My husband was beside himself. Because he already was bracing himself for two weeks. Like, this is fucked up that you're starting, like, a week early and I was like, we might not get it when it's supposed to start because it can be fucking canceled as the IOCs. Seales. and needles every day. I was so worried. And then I was like, oh my god, I can't believe that I'm willing to play the world truth of the pandemic and the super spider person gymnastics, but I do and I feel it and I don't I'm I need it and whatever. So I realized that a five year old knee in ninety 2A9 year old knee in ninety six, you spend some gold medals on a seamless and you do some slow motion of some training, some slow motion of maybe an injury. A voiceover package of, like, the mom driving the daughter two hours to the gym every day. I literally have chills on my arms. Like, yes. So, yes, when Carrie's drug, and, you know, did that on or down one and a half, or we usually wanna have on an ankle, I cheered. I I it wasn't until some birthday. Wait. Wait. It was, like, come on. I feel like I have a lot of conditioning from a nine 90s, and I saw what we shared. It was a different time. It was a different time. But why do I what's wrong with me? Not like But what did you buy? Tell me. Like, I know that I just wish that I was gonna say, I'm gonna try to interrupt your own fucking podcast. So they're just getting you guys to say it. I just wish that that voice over would have said, like, don't be xenophobic against, like, Russian girls and other girls because they're teenagers and some way you're gonna be forty and you shouldn't be for everybody. And like, I'm over here being thirty four. Like, really, like, you know when you were saying when the Russian girls fell and you didn't share for Because you want everybody to do best. That wasn't my truth. My husband had a video of me when they fucking fell off Beam, where I was like, where in this? Where in this? Come on. Like, I am a bad person when it comes to III And and and it's all because of these packages. It's all because of you turn on some lame music. Yeah. And I'm like I mean, and I turned into this frothing at the mouth of Patriot, I don't know But I'm trying to think I think part of it also is that you're younger than think part of it also is that you're younger than me. And so by the age that you were, like, conscious of things in, like, of of of things in different way, they had switched to this patriotism shit. When I was your age watching gymnastics, in the, like so early nineties. Like, like, you were nine in ninety two. I was No. No. No. No. I was five in ninety two. I learned about this. And that's how I learned about what taping was because I was afraid I was gonna fall asleep. And that's how learned like how you tape something. Because I had to like, I was Right. I mean, this is the very good percentage. Yeah. Yes. But so I'm, like, twelve at that time. So I'm at a level of consciousness to be able to, like, take things in differently. And back then, they were not America was not the best. So -- Gotcha. -- she spent the first time in ninety two. And it was a big deal. The packages were about Lina Arkayez. Having to transform this former Soviet Union squad into a now fractured Russian squad. They were about Silvia, Danielle Silvia, and that's not problem. Yeah. They were about Romania. And and what's his name? Oh my god. I can't even remember. I'm forgetting these names. But they were about like, I distinctly I can tell you, I distinctly remember John Tesh doing a voice over, talking about Octavian Belou, because what was happening was all of these communist regimes were falling, and they had these, like, amazing programs. They had to, like, translate into now they didn't have, like, money for equipment and shit. And I remember, like, a video of Gina Gozyan and La Bigna Miro Cevic. And Simona Amanar doing cartwheels in in a wheat field. No. And like and they were, like, compelling you to say to feel for these girls, like, They're they don't have money, but they're about to come and do the damn thing. It wasn't until Harry Patterson I was in Atlanta because that was really where I was like, wishing, like I was like, that spent lot of horror Tina with her was it Atlanta? Because Exactly. The team goes that way because that was really where I was, like, wishing like, I was, like, that spent Lana Hortona with her gel and it wasn't until and it wasn't literally until three weeks ago. Three weeks ago or however long the Olympics were when I watched all of them over and was like, Smedlado Orkina was that bitch. And I had to rewatch all the individual all around finals from two thousand and four. I didn't have the time or two thousand who says that, two thousand. And the Great Vault scandal, which actually was two thousand and four. Yes. Oh my god. She got bucked over. I mean, now I do think that Charlie probably would have won, but it would have been a whole lot closer. No. No. No. I'm sorry. It knows two thousand. It was two thousand get it together, Jonathan. Because Carly was two thousand and four and Spatlana went a clean all around and finally got her all around metal. Two thousand was the ball and she didn't end up with contention. Yes. And then ninety six, she was that lady on bars. I don't know who I don't I I can't remember because, you know, also too, and those prime time coverage that you combine with? You're saying who who I don't think she did. No. She she did, but I don't think she competed in all around the ninety six. And if she did, SHE DIDN'T MET ALL IN ninety six, ORKINA. No. All around in 96 was one by ALL AROUND IN ninety six WAS ONE BY LILIA I couldn't finish because of Dominic and Shannon having about it all around. So I was I was crying in puddle and nothing. When Dominic fell on floor, I I was in the syllable. Was inconsolable. I, and I think I stopped and I think I stopped watching. I was like the silver, was like When the Seales? Did Gina goes on when the silver? I'm gonna have to Google it. I can't live. I can't live my life. can't even remember. I I mean, but to be but to be honest, so but I say all that to say. Like, at that time, like, gymnastics we didn't have the Internet. So, like, you were watching you were getting your gymnastics from, like, international gymnast magazine. That was really where you got your gymnastics from international gymnastics magazine and they would have these giant posters and it would be of all of these girls from all over world. So my walls were covered with like mokui Lan from China and Dina Kuchekva. And Sorry. I pulled up. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Reached Kvava. Amanda, your genius, and you more than made up for your slip of the tongue earlier. Yes. Gina goes on Gaucheron won Seales. Yes. The Semona AMNR. Yes. I just learned the AMNR Someone AMINAR who did who embedded the AMINAR was all the way back in ninety six. Yes. Yet such a long career. Yes. And she was doing that vault on the old vault. She was doing that two and a half on the, She was doing that two and a half on the old vault. And then that was all the whole, like, Radu Khan with her allergy pill, a two thousand -- Two thousand -- -- foraminar. -- so that was all two thousand drama. Okay. Wait. So did we ever get to your top three or did I literally systematically interrupt you on every single fucking gymnast? No. We did my top three, and we did talk about Romania and all of the good things. So I'm glad that we got all of that so I'm glad we got out of that out. You You know, things are still things are still stressful. I think a lot of people have come to grips with the pandemic of things, but now we're dealing with, like, all these other outside factors, like, the supply chain backup. And politics is looking sketchy. And we still are having all of the byproducts of, you know, people not wanting vaccines and people wanting vaccines and what that's doing with kids in schools, et cetera, et And we still are having all of the byproducts of, you know, people not wanting vaccines and people wanting vaccines and what that's doing with kids and schools etcetera cetera. It's a very tense, tense, tense, tense It's a very tense tense tense tense tense time. And with so many stressors, it can be very difficult to keep your nutritional habits with so many stressors, it can be very difficult to keep your nutritional habits up. I don't know about y'all, but like, It gives me anxiety. It makes me not sleep It makes me not sleep well. You know, I need to exercise more, but then I'm kind of like doing other things that I feel like are necessary and needs to get done You know, I need to exercise more, but then I'm kind of like doing other things that I feel like are necessary and need to get done immediately. It's just like, how do you take care of It's just like, how do you take care of yourself? Well, the first thing to do is, you know, consider what you put in your body. And AG1 BioFlated Greens, the category leading superfood product brings comprehensive and convenient daily nutrition to So basically, what it is is it's a scoop of AG1 by athletic greens and it contains seventy five vitamins, minerals, and whole food source ingredients, including a multivitamin, multiviral, probiotic, grades of bubble blend, and more in one convenient daily serving. Just one. That's the other thing y'all want me to take like six gummies and two gummies over here and then five gummies over the course of the day and the other thing. Y'all only take, like, six gummies and two gummies over here and then five gummies over the course of the day shit. Like I'm not going to remember all of that with AIG one by athletic like, I'm not gonna remember all of that with AG one by athletic all I gotta do at the top of the day. Don't put them on into yeah. It's put a scoop of AG one with a special blend of high quality bio available ingredients that are in it. Working together to fill the nutritional gaps in my diet, support energy and focus, aid with gut health and digestion, and support and healthy immune system into a delicious drink. And voila I have now, instead of taking all the gummies and the vitamins, the vitamins, I have just taken a sip of what I need for the day and it tastes voila, I have now, instead of taking all the gummies and the vitamins, divisions, I have just taken a sip of what I need for the day. And it good. That's the other That's the other thing. It doesn't taste It doesn't taste nasty. 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But now I want to talk about you because you had mentioned on your podcast about just like the drama that you experienced with fame and social now I want to talk about you because you had mentioned on your podcast about just like the drama that you experienced with fame and social media and, like, it's it's, like, a topic that I feel like keeps coming up in, like, all these different conversations I'm happening, I'm having. But it always ends up being, like, me talking about it. So I wonder what to you and hear about you. Like, if you wanna hear about, like, the full experience, then you we already talked about it, so I'm not gonna bring that back to you because it was difficult. But how did you get past that? Like and did you even allow yourself to admit to yourself in the beginning? Like, hey, like, this is not good for me? Because think the part I think it's like we sometimes tell Seales, like, it's just social media. Like, it should like, you're the problem. Not social media. Like, why are you letting this Right? Like these people who don't know you bother you, why are you these people who don't know you bother you? Why are you really letting them create drama? But it's really real. Well, yeah, I mean, it is. I think I have this friend a look. Do you know a look? Do you follow Luke? No. You're heard of Luke. So Luke is amazing. Luke is this gender non conforming, non binary, poet. And they always say that they're a poet first kind of in the way that you're a comedian, because like you can do so many different things through they always say that they're a poet for us kind of in the way that you're a comedian because, like, you can do so many different things through it. But I just I love them so and they are one of my really close friends. I learned so many things from them. And I'm always, like, blown away by the compassion that a local because a local post these things are, like, someone say something horrific and then a look can just shine, like, such a light on them and they won't, like, post it. And it's always, I'm, like, gosh, you're so good at talking to people. I just wanna, like, be like go fuck yourself. And they'll be like, a local be like, your issue isn't with my outfit or my body here or whatever. This is about you. And I hope that you find the love and the compassion that you need to, like, just open the and it's just such this beautiful thing that they're able to do or is I'm, like, go fuck yourself, your hair is ratty, your intake. Go and then I'm like and then I'm like, oh my god. I can't do that because I'm like a beacon of light and lovingly people, you know, like, I'm all sweet and stuff. But then and then I'm like, oh my god, delete the comment. So, you know, there's that. And then also, ultimately, Alok also told me Alok was one who was like, turn your fucking d m's off for people who you don't message. And then it was like, I've been wondering since you had one fucking powers when you were gonna fucking turn that shit off. Like, I don't know why you're letting all these people have access to you. Like, stop letting all these strangers have access to you. And I was like, okay, fine. And he was like, they haven't earned it. And I was like, you're so right. And then it became this like kind of, you know, it was like very like much like addiction, like just like wanted to like look as compulsively looking for And then it became just like kind of you know, it was, like, very there's, like, much like, addiction. Like, just, like, I wanted to, like, look, I was compulsively looking for it. Why do we do Why do we do that? Like, what is that? I can that for myself when you know it's in my twenties, I was just, like, you know, slutting it up all the time and I wasn't famous and I could just, like, you know, slut it up on Grindr, and and I love and I love very excited positive at Lubbiness. Like, But I could you know, I was just I was looking for the validation through the deck. And then when you stopped doing that all the time, you're like, oh, well, you people are giving me this, like, nice validation about, like, non sexy stuff, which is really fun. And that is kind of, I guess, harmless. And actually, well, it's not harmless. Like, it felt really good. But it wasn't an according to my therapist, it's your survival instinct and and your it's like your threat protector because all the good stuff is, like, sweet, but that's not gonna, like, end your career and, like, stop you from being able to, like, provide for your cats and, like, you know, live your life and stuff. So we're always, like, looking for the threat. You're always getting the horizon for that, like, that tiger or that, you know, that thing that's gonna come eat you and, like, take your family, like, when we were just, you know, origin and stuff. In the day. Yeah. And so she was like, that's like your it's your reptile brain, like, you know, making sure that no cheetah or tiger or whoever comes and takes your stuff. And then my therapist is like, and for you, HIV positive person who's in, like, recovery from, like, you know, drug addiction and sexual impulsivity, and you've been through all stuff. Maybe the other shoe already has the other shoe already has dropped. Maybe you don't always have to be worried that, like, some other really bad things gonna happen and you can be, like, enjoy Like, you don't always have to be worried that, like, something's gonna, like, be really fucked up or, like but that's my trauma I was talking. So what I did is I just had to, like, cut it off. And even seeing what you're talking about later about having a relationship, think that that's actually been really one of the healing things about my husband, which still isn't like I'd still have, like, not used to say it. But that's in one of the really healing things for What reason did you get married? We got married in June of two thousand and five, but I didn't tell anyone about it until like, New Year. Well, our family is new and, like, new and new and new. Two thousand and five. I don't know why. I said two thousand and five things because we were talking about gymnastics and two thousand and five is on aside from looking at gymnastics law. Twenty twenty. I'm sorry. Is June fifth twenty twenty? Get my life together. I'm sorry. I'm not kidding. It's like I used a year. It's like, you know what this is the wrong thing. Yes. We're processing a lot of money. And so it it it it it it like this. So as June of twenty twenty, we didn't tell anyone public until, like, New Year's Day of twenty twenty one. Because we just went in time to, like, obviously, get used to being a married couple and have our own space and it's just so much when you're disclosing so much about yourself publicly. But that isn't one of the really healing things is that, like, I don't need to look so much. It's just kind of crystallized what's important to me. And, like, my opinion is important to me. That relationship is really important to me as raising our animals who are our children are really important to me creating a safe space in order for me to be able to continue to do my work and help to destigmatize HIV, sexual impulsivity, drug addiction, help to continue to expose the inner qualities that I really want to work on for people at large would not be so devastated by how people reflect on me in certain times that I'm unable to do the work. That's really important to me. So really, and and how Alok said it. It's like, I needed to really protect my space so that I can do the work that I wanna do and trust that my team if I do because I also was like, it would be like, well, what if someone has, like, constructive feedback that I really need to hear and I should be able to And my it's like, I need to trust that, like, my friends and my family can provide that. Yeah. I don't need some I don't need Karen in Ohio. To tell me, you know, why she doesn't Why she is carrying in Ohio? But also, I hate when did someone from with it? Because, like, there was a thing that happened last year before I turned my DMs off where this fucking kid was, like, like, screenshot that Uber Eats had and was, like, don't you have enough money? Like, why do you, like, in my DM's. And it was one of those days where I had time today. And so I responded in the DM, which was a huge mistake. And I was just like, you know what? For me. Like Why was it the hell of this name? Because he ended up screenshotting all of it, and he was really pretty famous on Twitter. And so then he was, you know, post all these screenshots. And then I had, you know, hundreds and thousands of young LGBTQ people telling me to die of AIDS, kill myself, you're a fucking neo liberal capitalistic pig wait. You had LGBT Cuban assignments? Oh, yes. Like like, just like you are a fucking capital holistic pig, your piece of shit. I knew that you were fucking trash when you endorsed Bernie. Go fuck yourself. Like a lot like, people wanna bring up Elizabeth Warren. They wanna bring up all sorts of shit. Because I mean and and when I first got, you know, very well known in this public I mean, there's lots of times where I would pop on Twitter and say some shit that I did not need to say. Dinner and and and and and people will still come to I mean, for things I've said years ago that were that I've apologized for is that it's like, whatever. But on that particular instance, this guy had, like, a pretty or this person. I can't remember what their gender identity is. I don't like misgender someone even if they were fucking nightmare. And so in the message, I basically was like, you know what? Basically, I grew up on a cornfield next to a hog farm. It would have been very helpful for me to see people like me, junk and non conforming people like me next to fucking some home vials in a house, you know, next year or whoever, and say, oh, look, people do they can go succeed. They can be successful. They can be taken seriously. So even if I'm being a comedian and it's, like, But, honey, I got paid a lot more for this than you're ever gonna fucking probably do. And so it is kinda cool and I feel like it's and for me, I thought didn't say this in the message. I was just like, It's a big deal. I wanted to be able to create conversations for people who need it. And for me, this is an issue of representation. They were seeing a lot of stuff about, like, top twenty two with Uber at time. Like, I like, I've been doing this campaign for a really long time before these this, like, happened. And so it just that part was kind of unfortunate, but that's kind of where that person was coming from in addition to some other things. But end up screenshotting it, posting on their Twitter, and then it's got this deluge of, like, activist word. Deluge. Deluge of activists who wanted to smear my blood on the walls. And I think that actually, like, having crazy transphobic, like, Trump supporting people when it's near your blood on the walls is, like, one thing because it's, like, more par for course. Yeah. Having some on their own community, it just it stings worse, it hurts worse. This one time, this girl on Twitter, said some of them mean shit to me, but she was just, like, really, like, fierce, like, trans lady. And I was, like, oh, and she had this, like, go funny for, like, some stuff. She needed done. And I was like, I'm just going to pop on there and take care of her little And I was, like, I'm just gonna pop on the air and take care of her little go fund me. So I did it. And then but I didn't say it publicly. I didn't. But then I, like, messaged her and I was like, I just wanna let you know, I took care of that. And, you know, people are still people and, like, just think about that before you tell someone to, like, go fuck themselves and, like, jump off a cliff. Did your therapist tell you that you didn't need to do that? Because if they didn't, I'm here to tell you. Well, no. She did, but then, like, but then that person, I didn't really even need my therapist too because then that person immediately just said this, like, all this crazy hateful shit and was like, well, Thank you, but you're still this shirt. Like, just all this stuff where I was like, oh, like, sometimes people even if you do wanna help them and it's coming from a good place, they're just gonna shit on you. It doesn't matter. And that doesn't do with Not in a good place, but they're not even in a good In a good place, but they're not even in a good place. Like, I don't let search myself on Twitter. That wasn't my face being addicted to searching myself on Twitter though. Okay. Which was before turning the mess. So that was like a twenty eighteen, twenty nineteen thing. So I was like, oh, what are the children thing? And you don't wanna do that. But what was that about? Was that your ego that was saying? Like, what are the children saying? Or do you think it was that reptilian brain? It was the reptilian brain because, I mean, it it really when it became an issue at first, where I noticed that it was happening was when my book came out because out. Cause I was like, oh my God, what are people gonna say about HIV was like, oh my god, what are people gonna say about HIV status? What are people gonna say about being a stripper abuse? Like, what are people gonna be saying about it? And there was a lot of support. But actually, that same week, this video came out from twenty eighteen, it was the first series of interviews that I had ever done with ClearEye. And they just asked to see like, off the cuff questions about politicians and, like, politician style, and it was Hillary. It was Bernie. It was all these people. But when Bernie came up, Chrome said something and I which was fine. Love him. He was just like, I never felt the burn. I was team Hill Hill Hill and, you know, same. And so then in twenty sixteen, twenty sixteen, we're talking twenty sixteen sick with me. And so then I was like, look, could Ronald Reagan be bothered to say the word HIV AIDS? No. But -- Great. -- you gotta put some goddamn gel in his hair and, like, get the fuck elected. And I just wish that on the democratic side, we knew how to like get someone in there to make the good And I just wish that on the Democratic side, we knew how to, like, get someone in there to make the good choices. Because, like, I'm into Bernie's into his policies, but, like, I was so that so basically, I read his style and quoting this Ronald Reagan thing as a joke. I'm a comedian. I'm an HIV positive comedian. People don't know. No. I'm HIV positive at the time. This is, like, thirty or twenty eighteen. So there's, like, layers to this that they don't know. So the week that my book comes out, that video started making the rounds on the week that my book comes out, that video started making the rounds on Twitter. And so people were like you're making jokes. And so in in that video, like and then when TikTok happened, Jesus. Now the video just comes out, like, every eight weeks and there will be some person who's, like, I'm gonna take down JBN with this Bernie video and I'm like, honey, I've been that's twenty nineteen's news. But that's just a sort of big run just like I don't want to, like, don't wanna spend all my time, like, in this drama and in this, like, it just sucks. And I've apologized about the burning thing. Like, I've apologized about that video because, also, really what I had to look for in my side of the street in that way. What was the apology To give for the Bernie to give for the burn using? Because if you're a fan of mine, this is how I felt about it in my in my heart. If you're a fan of mine and you didn't know where this video came from, why was saying that because the video clip is taken out of context. Okay. So if you didn't know and you never saw me say anything about it and you just see this video for the first time and you're like, wait, he's talking about HIV activism and awareness and then he's just saying thing about Reagan. Like, I don't know. Most people knew that it was a tongue and cheek thing taken out of it. Like, most people didn't know. But for the people whose feelings it did fucking hurt and felt like, it did hurt their feelings and they weren't about it. If you're a fan of mine, like, I'm sorry. If I really hurt, like, I am sorry. So for That, why would it hurt someone's Why wouldn't it hurt someone's feelings? Because they felt like I was coming for Bernie when he has been, like, being an activist for HIV AIDS policy, for allegedly teaching policy. Something like that. You know what I need people to do. I need people to get over themselves. I need everybody to stop virtue signaling all the fucking time without any awareness or acknowledgment of nuance and context. You're in an audition for a show where you're expected to give quickie, real ass, responses about style. That's what you're there to do. It's a private room. And ultimately, You're not saying things I'm assuming, but you're not saying things from a bad place. You just them in a direct way. Like, if you're saying something in your hair, I just wanted him to postpone it to his life. You are being a are being a comedian. So by nature of being a comedian, I'm sure there is sarcasm in there. I'm sure there is hyperbole in there. I'm sure that there is imbalancement, well, that's probably but I'm sure that all of these things made it very clear, I'm just assuming, but I'm sure that it was clear that this is a comedy clip. You're not at the UN General Assembly saying that And that's the part that I just get so annoyed with people about is that everybody that does that type of shit, like, shitting on you, like, how dare you say this? You hurt Bernie's feelings. I am a thousand percent sure Bernie watched that and was like, he's not wrong. I don't like gel. It's never worked for me. Gel never he had never worked for me. And this is not my thing. My my daughter is always I don't know if he is done, but my daughter is always telling me to put you I can imagine. I just And so the the but but I just feel like all of you were coming for you. They're not coming for you because they think that you are hurting Bernie's feelings and that he needs them to stand up for him. They're coming for you because it makes them feel like somebody to come for you. Which is just ego. Like and I don't like that. We live in this space now where the the idea of attacking people is so regular that I feel like there's this very blurred line between, like, who really should be shut the fuck down and who really was just saying some shit? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, you're just saying some shit. Like, Kamala, Cada on these is me shut the fuck down right now. Because she or she needs to be set the fuck up to do something actually instead of just talking because I feel like she never does any actions. It's just like, I'm saying things that they told me to say, so when people are going hard at Kamala right now, like, I get it. She's an elected official to somebody that should be working for the people. I understand people doing the same thing about Biden. You're a comedian. And I was, I was. Get the fuck out of here. I'm I'm I'm annoyed for you. Thank you. I feel like you went through undue drama because people love fucking feel like you went through undue drama because People love fucking drama. Like, I do you understand I went through two weeks of fucking drama? Because I said, Oh, Will Smith is playing Richard Williams. Sweet William's father on a on a movie. And I was like, Oh, the movies about Rich Williams instead of Serena and Venus. And then I followed it up by saying, no, I mean, I just would have wanted to see a movie This is Rena because, like, I really am curious about, like, their sisterhood and their process. And as for Will Smith, I was, like, you know, it's just weird to me that he that this light skinned man will be playing a dark skinned man because that's been, like, such a topic of contention. People about in two weeks, two weeks in my DMs, like, you bitch. Will Smith is an is a Oscar nominated act. I'm like, who that you think about what's the sentence? It's like but you're not allowed to have an opinion. You're not allowed to, like, even just say something that seems slightly, like, discolored without people a lot of people feeling like your character is now able to be thrown out to the Seales. I also think it's just like how you do. Like, I, like once I felt like I was like, you know, like I was like, oh, don't go on Twitter and go for like, I like, once I felt like I was like, you know, like, I was like, oh, don't go on Twitter and go for someone because I know how it feels when that happens. Like, now if there's someone who really, like, does something where I have a personal relationship with them and I'm like, if it's really out of line, like, you just it's like, Queen, you said this thing that, like, just really hurt my feelings. Do you call them in or do you call them out? No. In end. Like, it's like, let's let's Like, on the side. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm definitely not saying, like, bitch. You need to in a text Because that's the other thing. All these people coming at you, like, if they were coming at you in a nasty way, I'm just like, so it's explain to me. You're upset at me because you feel like I was nasty about Bernie, but that somehow informs you to come and be nasty to me. Why why what makes you a good person now? If you're willing to, like, wish fucking death and destruction on me because you didn't like I no. Sorry. But you mean that that that that that that me routes up because I want I I am I've had to learn the lesson of calling people and instead of calling them out because to your point, it's like, I would sometimes just say something. You know, like And then I forget, like, oh, this is the world wide web. And when you're releasing my group platform, my group got to other because, like, in twenty eighteen, like, I just was, like, I was used to having, like, ten followers on Twitter. I was like, you gotta be like, literally, like, I've always just gone on Twitter and been like, yeah. And then, like, once I got more well known, I like, oh, I can't do that the same way. So don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Learning curve. Like, I feel like it's a learning curve. It's syncing in a line connecting. And to that end, I feel like I'm still on it. Like, I feel like I still have you know, we were talking on my podcast about your journey and and not, like, do I wanna do this? And it's, like, Right? So, I mean, I started crying when you were talking about your stuff on my podcast. Like, it's still in there. Like, that hurt and some of that and, like, and the trauma of becoming a public figure even though, like, in in some ways, like, my dreams have come true and they have. And there's I know, just, like, I'm watching a hair care line. Like, it's out. Like, I'm I'm sitting in the house. Congratulations. I received let me tell you I know you're so sorry. I remember. Yeah. Greg. Like, The the people put together quite a presentation. I received a crate of goodness from JVN's hair product line And, like, the products are beautiful, like, they're, like, the packaging. But then this this I have, like, cornucopia of of or kids I mean, I came home. I wasn't even home. And when I came home, I was like, my partner said that the women who dropped it off were like disappointed because they thought they were gonna meet me, I guess. And I went home and he went and they were like, oh, is Amanda here? He Seales no. Alright. You're right, my man. I mean, it's such a beautiful industry of it later. I definitely regret it's like so beautiful, but it's like on both end. I feel like my saying for this year is, like, it's both and, like, you know, drooling of those really excited. And also, there's still some, like, growing pains in trauma and, like, it's still mean, I wrote a fucking book about it. Like, my memory is about, like, do you know the whole truth? Would you still love me if you knew, like, all my stuff? And so that was, like, me taking opportunity to tell you my stuff. And it's still, like, we still, even though however grounded you are and however solid you are in your relationship with yourself, you see stuff enough, or you hear it enough, people touch your boundaries enough, you do start giving you an impostor syndrome and you're like, am I? Am I? Like, is it bad? Am I bad? Should I have whatever? So bag. Like, it's something I'm still kind of grappling with and, like, figuring out, like, really making sure that I have integrity and I'm feeling like I'm standing on my two feet and I'm making decisions that I'm proud of. And I feel like I'm there, but it's taken a long time where I feel like I really silence myself because I was so afraid of, like, of of fucking up and saying the wrong thing and getting blowback. And so I just there was a long time in there where I just, like, I felt like I really shrunk. And that's the part what I mean that I said, I'm so grappling, like, I'm afraid to have people tell me, like, you know, diovates or, like, you know, as a few positive person that, like, doesn't feel good to have that be someone's first thing that they say, which happens kind of more than it should or, like, you know, just say, like, I hope your cat dies, drawing your like, just just crazy shit. We're like, I don't wanna hear it. And so when you, so when you It takes it takes a certain level of practice to be able to literally, like, look at that. And instead of internalizing it, look at it and be like, oh, I feel sorry for them. Because like anybody who would say anything like this, like, has some shit in them that they are clearly not dealing with may project status. It's not what makes me depressed. As much. It makes me actually sad to my core it's that there are a consortium of folks who will think these types of things about queer non-binary that you would think that this is how you think of people living with HIV, that this is how you think of queer makes me actually sad to my court It's that there are a consortium of folks who will think these types of things about clear non binary that you would think that something this is how you think of people living with HIV, that this is how you think of queer people, that this is how you think that you can, like, that there is this sort of thing in the world is like, because that's what I'm working so hard to, like, humanize. And so when there's people that are just so showing you, like, That work isn't getting through to me, and I'm gonna abuse you in the process. That's like, I need to go home my cat. And then get up and say, and it's fine. And I'm like, you know, and then I find my voice again. And god god told me never let anybody dig your side, not personally, but on that song. So, you know, that's ass. Tell me that we're gonna we've got god that are just in the song. I mean, we do have the same birthday, which is literally true. Like, a political and so much money. Isn't that kind of yours? So I am never been like a really big, like, let me go get a Manny petty for the spa, if at all type of person it's usually because like I have to film something or I just like, I'm going somewhere when I want my nails to look I have never been, like, a really big, like, let me go get a mini pettie for the spot of it all type of person. It's usually because like I have to film something or I just like I'm going somewhere when I want my nails to look nice. 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So it's not just it's not just books, they've got other different types of content that is really dope, including ad free versions of your favorite shows and exclusive audio series. What series. What I also love is that when you listened to a book on audible, oftentimes it's read by the I also love is that when you listen to a book on Audible, oftentimes it's read by the author. In my case, small doses is read by me. And when we do Audible versions of the books, we sometimes add in different things, we things. We add in stuff that's not in the add in something that's not in the book. When book. When you listen to Mariah Carey's book on audible, like she's singing things like she's adding in little you listen to Mariah Carey's book on Audible, like she's singing things, like she's adding in little anecdotes, so it can be a whole other experience that is different from just reading the book yourself. yourself. So that's why I love audible because it really is its own literary experience, but it's still getting you in touch with the literature that you want to be in touch that's why I love Audible because it really is its own literary experience, but it's still getting you in touch with the literature that you wanna be in touch with. with. So visit audible.com/doses or text doses to 500 dash 500 visit audible.com/doses or text doses to 500 dash audible dot com slash doses or text doses to five hundred dash five hundred. Visit audible dot com slash doses or text doses five hundred dash five hundred. You 500. You can still be a bibliophile, even if you can't find the time to sit down and read a book, you can listen to a still be able to file even if you can't find the time to sit down and read a book. You can listen to a book. I book. I really love love Gaga, and I really love you. And I really love just like your willingness to be open and vulnerable. And I think, you know, that's also the reason why, like, you were such a breakout person on ClearEye, you know, because when someone demonstrates that, then it makes the other person feel like they can do that. And that is the kind of reality TV that we really actually need is reality TV that actually is real in the sense of encouraging folks to be real with themselves. And with their shortcomings and with their assets, I think that's both of them because I think there's a lot of work that we talk about in terms of everyone, like, pointing out their blind spots and their flaws. I'm like, are you a drama queen? How do you hear? But it's also like acknowledge, like, your fucking dopeness, and you shouldn't have to feel shameful about acknowledging your dopeness and, like, a lot acknowledging, like, the things that you were blessed with and like, it's not that you need to book ticket on it and, you know, that's not, like, the check that you write that says why I this is why I deserved, but I had someone tell me the other day they were just like I said something I was like, I'm not saying I'm better than them and they were like, but you are. And I was like, And I was talking about somebody who just doesn't come from a place of integrity. And I was like, I thought I'm bad. And my friend was like, but you are, though. Like, you are better than them. Like, you make an effort to be. Like, you strive on a regular basis to come from a place of goodness and kindness and compassion, and that is better than someone not doing that. So you can own that. And I was like, Yes. I will own that. I will own that. But I wish people who say, I don't do drama. drama. I wish they owned wish they owned that anyone who says I don't do drama, deals completely in drama. Like, I had a meeting with a manager like, and a literary manager or a literary agent. And, like, we had a follow-up call, and she was like, well, you know, I did some research about you and I asked around And I just wanted you to know, I don't do drama. And I was like, well, I don't know who you talked to, but but I know who you're not working with anymore. Take the phone call. Buy it. I've literally tried to get up the phone at least three times in a very kind way and like, she wouldn't let it happen. I happen. I was like, you know like, you know what? what? I think as best as I just exit the phone call and she's like, no, I just want to make it think it's best that I just exit the phone call. She's like, no, I just wanna make it clear, clear. You know, that I've had conversations with people who have spoken about know, that I've had conversations with people who, you know, have spoken about you. And I was like, you know what? I just this is not helpful. To a to either of us. And this is the the drama that you don't do, you're doing. Like, you're doing. And I've had to work really hard to learn how to diffuse drama as it's happening without getting, like, caught in the tornado of someone else's drama. So like, your friend Elok is clearly a master, like Ninja master at that, and it's a work in progress. Even in my relationship. Right? Because, like, if you are in a partnership with somebody and you're with them all the fucking time, like, no one is just like the same level of energy all the time. Like, people have dips throughout the day. day. You might have like a good might have, like, a good mood. You might have, like, a bad mood or whatever. And it can be really rollercoastery if you're gonna, like, respond, like, every time. And so, you know, I've had to learn how to be, like, oh, Oh, look, he's got a little attitude. Look about my day. Alright. And it wasn't like that in the beginning. It was like, why do you have tattooed? What was the it? You and and I think what you just pointed out with the lizard brain of, like, protecting your perimeter, I really think that's part of what that is. It's like, what do you have an attitude? Like, am I the problem? I problem? How do I fix the problem was the problem, you know if it's problem. What's the problem? You know? And it's like, now we're now we have a problem. You had to attitude, but now we have a problem. That also kind of reminds me like, you know, that concept of, like, your window of tolerance. Like, sometimes, you know, like, with getting in someone else's drama, whether it's, like, professionally or your person, whatever relationship, sometimes I'm down here, and my window of tolerance is up here, and I can deal with it just fine. And I can be really even keeled. What I am really learning now is like how to not get up past that window of tolerance. That's when I do turn into Aaron Brockovich. I'll be like, you know what, miss Perez? Before you come back with some other fucking bullshit offer, I want you to think about how much your ovaries are worth to you. And you, mister Miller, how much is your spine worth to you? And whatever that number is, tying it by four, and anything less than that is a waste of our fucking time. Which is not the exact quote from Aaron Brackovich, but it's something around there. So much Aaron Brackovich, like, within the next week. Like, I have to. Have you you Not not Seales But I haven't seen it in so long. Like, I saw it when it came out. So many genius one liners in this movie. Really? I don't wanna, like, oversell it and then have it, like, this movie fucking sucks sucks. Cause also I was like 11 and it was like also it was, like, eleven and it was, like, two thousand and it was, like, really neat for me to go, like, fuck PG and D, but this hexadeal and Chromium. I've never stopped talking about it. I've never stopped thinking about it. it. I've talked to you about talked to you about it. I literally my producer ComedyPodcasts, I literally was responding to her and only Aaron Brockovich gifts. Yeah. And also, I've interviewed the real Aaron Brockovich twice. Like, I'm obsessed twice. I'm getting curious, like I'm, c'est with her obsessed with with her obsessed with her. And also just to give you a heads up, I do have a new gymnastics routine that's a minute and thirty seconds long that's gonna be in my new comedy tour. What? I do need you to Seales, like, before. We can't debut it to the world. You could debut, like, AAAA snip hat, if you will. But I am using Grace McCallum's floor music from this year. I thought you should know. Okay. I really was going through it. I typically do something from Ali Rasman That was Raisman. I did, I did I did. It turned out it was like a Russian naval song from twenty sixteen, so I was definitely doing, like, that Russian naval song for all of my performances that didn't work. This year, it's not. It's I do Chris O'Callaghan, but it's it's really working. I'm getting my skills back. I back. I don't know if you've ever had to like know if you've ever had to, like, relearn. Right. You don't have a floor on sale? I have a I have a tumble track that I travel with. I have a promo. It's scene. My my my serum show opens with I come out in a USA Leotard and I do a full on proper, like, choreographed minute and a half. Then I do, like, five minutes, like, welcome the crowd. And then I, like, bring on my opener and then they open and, like, well, I run back put my hair on, like, you change my shit, fix my tuck, and then go back out. And so love that. As a as a even just as a order of events, I mean, it's traditionally it's like, you have your opener and then you come out, but I love that you, like, tease them with some hilarious results. A little bit. I was just on stage. I was I was too stellar or twazen, which is one past my limit, on stage in Portland. This fateful night in twenty nineteen. And as a gymnast, I'm sure you know what this is like. Except for just to be clear, you're like a seriously good gymnast I'm six feet I'm six foot one. I desperately wanted to be able to do backwards tumbling. tumbling. My whole life could not do whole life could not do it. I was in gymnastics that coach literally was like, wait. And this brings us back to the beginning. You never said why you how you became a gymnastics. So So I, it was the 92 Olympics actually to be was the Nike Olympics. Actually, to be clear with the ninety one world championships. Mhmm. Kids in basketball. mescal. I was was four. I didn't totally understand, but that sounds like wrapping my head around it. Ninety two, I understood. After that, it was like game on. Like, I was, like, always looking at, like, the guide channel in the nineties that, like, had the TV show. I would literally every Saturday and Sunday because I didn't understand, like, the work like, a year long calendar. Every Saturday and Sunday would look on every channel because I didn't understand, like, what the channels were, but gymnastics. And that's how I would find it, or babysitting, obviously. So that's how I got obsessed. obsessed. And then I took lessons and I really wanted to learn, but I was a really soft, cute little pudgy then I took lessons and I really wanted to learn, but I was a really soft, cute, little pudgy baby. baby. Like I really just, I used to call my core, the abyss, cause I didn't know how to squeeze I really just I'd I'd used to call my core the abyss because I didn't know how to please it. Like, I didn't know how to, like, to I just would just didn't know how to do it. it. No one's one's Havi. And so I remember I tried to do back hand springs and I would just, like, flail. And my little coach was like, you're not ready. Like, you should do backward but all the other kids could do back hands for rings. And I was just I felt like I was just this chunky kid and I was never gonna get it. Too scared to do backhand swings. And I could do, like, front flips on the diving board, but I could I just had this mental block. I block. I had the twist before I even knew what the twisties twisty before I even knew what the twisty's work. The brick and twisty twist. I was just going just going backwards. backwards. All you said it was like fear of going there's, like, fear of going backwards. And so then I I actually wrote, like, one of my chapters in my memory over the top is about this, but I finally got over the fear of going back words. And then I tried out for cheer. And so I was at eighth grade, and this girl was like, I'll try out for cheer. And I was like, okay. Fine. Like, I'll do it. Like, oh, the dare me. I'll do it. But it. But then I totally made I totally made it. And then I realized, like, the social refuge that these girls provided me as, like, this young queer kid in these cornfields And actually, Karama was asking me, he's like, why are you such like an advocate? advocate? Why do you speak about, why do you talk so much about like Why do you speak about Why do you talk so much about, like, why? Like, why do you talk so about drug, like, racial equality? Why do you love, like, he and I I've never been asked, like, why do you love black women so much? If you just, like, why do you love black women much? much? And I was like, I think for me it like comes back at like all comes back to like like, a thing for me, it, like, comes back. It, like, all comes back like, cheer. And, like, those girls, they, like, chucked me out of their wing. And they're, like, you will not fucking talk to him like that. And, like, they created this, like, safe space where, like, we were both other ed in some way. Yes. Yes. And they and I is getting so many children out. it. Cause like those relationships were so formative and transformative for like those relationships are so formative and transformative for me. Yeah. me. And it's more than just like those cheer it's more than just, like, those two relationships. There wasn't more to it than but that was a huge part of it. So then when I was, you know, I stopped hearing college, and then I once I started doing standup comedy, I was on this stage is the two twelve, and we're coming back to how I got back into it now. And I did that thing once a year where I could where I would see if I could still do a standing back answering. It usually happen on, like, a concrete parking lot outside of a barn, you know, annually. This is like, you know, just dwell with it. Yes. And do. And I was onstage and I was like, y'all are here was on stage, and I was like, y'all aren't here. Fuck. Yeah. I'm gonna put this microphone down. There was like three thousand people. I was like, I'm gonna just do standing back handsprint. rate. And I did I did it. And it was in that moment that it occurred to me, me. You dumb bitch, you have a captive dumb bitch, you have a captive audience. They're not gonna leave if you open this show with the gymnastics routine, like, why aren't you training? A gymnastics routine. Like, this is, you're a chance to heal your inner six year old that desperately wanted his dad to watch their routines. And you can some balls. routines. But now I can now I can tumble. So now I'm just out here healing my inner child while entertaining the the people. And now I have my new routine. routine. It's like really It's like really good. And I but Also, like, I I didn't contract COVID-nineteen. I definitely got, like, COVID-sixty because I gained sixty pounds in the pandemic. pandemic. I like didn't realize it till I went to the like, didn't realize it was a doctor. And I was, like, was like, I know that I'm in teacher dresses and then in my jeans fit. It's probably like twenty pounds. Right? Like, it's not that bad or anything. And then I weighed myself and I was like, oh, I didn't know. So now getting on my Seales. Zach has just been, like, by standing tuck, you don't you're not there. But I wanna get back. I wanna back back. So today, after being back at the gym for three weeks, and I've really just been, like, working really hard. I've been, like, lifting with my trainer. I'm, like, doing all my I've been literally doing twice two days. I can, like, get my conditioning back and get it together. together. Cause I mean, I used to look at what happened I I used to so so look what look at what happened today, not on the rod floor, not on No spot. Oh, I made shot. I got a bit of a sec. But I'm so proud of you. She's back. Look. Look at that. That's like impressive AF. Yeah. I'm getting back back up. That's fucking major. Whoa. I need to go to the gym. We We were going to go and give gonna go and give France. We have to I don't know if you ever wanna, like, come to Austin. I know it's a kind of bar, but, like, I have the best gymnastics place here. here. It's so It's so convenient. We can go in, like, anytime of four, nine, we can go tumble. I just I need to see her two and a half. And, also, I know that I feel like we're coming to our time, but and but tell me whatever, thanks. I can go a little longer. I just wanna say, What is it like, Taylor, just do a two and a half on your trampoline? Well, I will tell you, so when I was younger and I was in gymnastics and I had my trampoline, I the most I could do on my trampoline at home, like like like a home trampoline was a double. And I always had to work really hard to do it. Now I could do a double on floor. I could I could do a double on floor, and I could do a two and a half on floor. But For some reason, my home trampoline, I could not, like, consistently just do a double. But at the trampoline at the gym, you know, they had like a fancier trampoline, trampoline. I could do a full in, I could do a full end, double back on a, on the trampoline at the could do a full in. I could do a full in double back on on the trampoline at the gym. And, like, when I because I had, like, stress fractures in my wrist, and so could just only do trampoline at one point in time. I had I had stress fractures in my left wrist. And so I would do everything on one hand. But then from doing everything on my hand, I got stress fractures in my right wrist. And then I wrist. I ended up, I ended up, I couldn't do everything on my left hand because I just wasn't ambidextrous to that up I ended up I couldn't do everything on my left hand because I just wasn't ambodators to that level, so level. So then that was ended up keeping my skills on the I would end up keeping my skills on a trampoline. So I'd be doing little back, some full ins, and my twists. I could do a triple. I could do a three and a half twists. On the trampoline at that gym. Okay. Kayla Maroney because she had a three and a half on floor. But anyway, I have three and a half. And we didn't even talk about that drama because the pit of despair that I feel every time I think about what Diginists have gone through with Leary Mabser and then the subsequent dismissal of their case by these fucking bullshit ass FBI agents is, like, endless. endless. Like I literally have to stop myself because I I'm like you didn't even experienced this trauma and you are just internalizing I literally have to stop myself because I I'm, like, you didn't even experience this trauma and you are just internalizing it, it. Like the empath you are in such a way that you'll drive yourself to a the empath you are. In such a way that you'll drive yourself to depression. So I feel like keep a certain level of distance from it because it is so immensely disturbing to me that this happened to these young women, and how many of them had happened to, and it was completely preventable completely, like but if you can't you can't tell me the curlies didn't know, you can't tell me that the coaches that were there. Maybe didn't know explicitly, but that they they had a inkling. They had an idea. And the FBI agents knew one I was gonna see it. And I would say the Corollis Really? Yeah. The Corollis had to know. Had to know. And all But I wouldn't think it's worth only was in I mean, They obviously He's back. Yeah. Years back. And ultimately, they all know a fucking creep. Right? Like, even when you look at him, you're like, well, this is creepy guy. You know? know? And so I just think that everybody had become so internalized about like winning and it was just, it got, it just got so out of hand and I'm so, so just my love for those girls and their courage is beyond And so I just think that everybody had become so internalized about, like, winning and it was just it got it just got so out of hand and I'm so So just my love for those girls and their courage is beyond -- Mhmm. -- and can even say I feel like that's a boat I feel like what you're describing there. It's like a boat, and no. Like, I can be both enraged and theories that I can dip into that and sit with that and make and actually do take formative app with, like -- Yes. -- who we're working to elect and, like, who and, like, the systems that we're trying to and also still, I will not not celebrate these women. Their achievements, their past, like their like, because I feel like we still love this sport. I feel like lot of these athletes still in some way love this for it. It's like, I just I feel like both can exist. And and I say this in my book, like, your grief and your trauma doesn't have to invalidate. If you experience joy because some of my worst shit lives right next to some of my, like, best stuff. And I'm not gonna let my best stuff be taken for me because there was something that, like, was bookmarked or was really hard or difficult that lived, like, around it. Like, you still get to celebrate what a fucking amazing person and athlete and just all around person that you are. So, yes. So we have a segment on the show called The Script, where we basically give our audience supplementary materials that they can check out that help support just the conversation we're having. So one, I know that everybody gotta go watch Aaron Brockovich. That's a fact Are there any books, any movies, any accounts you follow, or anything that you feel supports. One, like, your path to dealing with your drama, or two, just like, let people know more about JBN Seales, of course, following Well, obviously, me and then, like, JBN hair curious to JBM because those are, like, the things that are by me, but things that are just, like, bringing me straight up joy that I'm, like, obsessed with right now. Tommy underscore doe, like, d o, but I'm pretty sure it's dough. So fucking funny was a competitive figure figure. Skater then did the ice did the ice campaign. Is it now? He's just us like hilarious comedian. Who, like, literally is so fucking funny. Like, undercover, rising, like, JVN will be Tommy Doe and, like, but different. And, like, like, he's coming up. up. Like you will know his you will know his name. I think his his kind of thing is so fucking funny. I don't know where the I just I was thinking about him. I, like, look forward looking at my Instagram to see, like, if he's posted something. But And when they're already listening to your podcast, you're someone who is very much up in there for me, for Instagram as well. Yeah. I also Where you bench? I oh, yeah. Books. I I've I've been writing writing a lot. Since I started writing, I since I started writing, I can't stop. Like, I cannot stop writing. And I really feel like now ever since I did start writing, I almost I read the news a lot. lot. I read the news like a lot, but when it comes to reading books, I'm kind of this creative type where like, I don't want to get ideas or swayed or like, I don't even want to know what other people are doing because I just want to focus on like the story and the things that I'm trying to read the news like a lot. But when it comes to reading books, I'm kind of this creative type where, like, I don't want to get ideas or swayed or, like, I don't even wanna know what other people are doing because just wanna focus on, like, the story and the things that I'm trying to do. Yes. So I and I actually, it's Rick's, like, I used to be such a big reader. I've read, like, everything my Angela's ever written written. I love Helen love Helen Fielding. fielding. I love Bridget Jones love Richard Jones diary. diary. I love Elizabeth I love Elizabeth Gilbert. I love there's so many many. I love Bernay I I love Renee Brown. I've read, like, all of her work. work. Well, you mentioned Bernay brown in terms of like helping you with identifying like ways to not let your trauma and mentioned, Renee Brown, in terms of, like, helping you with identifying, like, ways to not let your trauma and drama? Yeah. Can you talk about your trauma without becoming your trauma? So her work has done a lot of work for me. And Berné has she has the she has a, like, a special of sorts on Netflix. Right? Yeah. She has that. And she also has her podcast, which is called Dearing mutely. I think that's her podcast, and her last book was called Dearing mutely. But she has this incredible talk on Ted talk about vulnerability and about the connection between vulnerability and happiness. Yes. And that that changed my life in two thousand and twelve, 2012. And I'm quoting her all the fucking I'm quoting her all the fucking time. time. I pulled her in queer quote her in queer eye. eye. I quote her all the fucking time because that talk because you're I quote her all the fucking time because that talk because happy. Your ability to be happiness in the world is directly related to how vulnerable you're willing to ability to be happiness in the world is directly related to how vulnerable you're willing to be. Because if you're if you are not willing to be vulnerable, if you are keeping everything like because it it you can't selectively numb your feelings. If you're numbing your joy, if you're if you're numbing your pain, if you're numbing, like, you're numbing all of it. You're gonna numb You're numbing your pain, pain. You're also numbing your you're also numbing your joy. Exactly. Exactly. It's a concept like a muffler. I know people in the car right now just went, oh, I know there were some screw faces listening to this podcast. Because that's you can't selectively numb your feelings. feelings. I can promise you that there are many folks who are like, that's not can promise you that there are many folks who are like, that's not true. But to your place someone who smokes weed like daily, I would say it is. It's true. You really can't. And I think even some of my accomplishments and some of the career highs that I've had, I can't even Seales that because I am I numb. I'm a number. Like, sometimes I like, I can't really sit with the full all of the all of it because I feel like I would just like, yeah. Like, I I would just combust. But I know that I wouldn't. That's just a part that's fearful that I wouldn't. I know that I am strong enough too, but that's that's kind of my new frontier of like my thirty four year old stuff. That's like this. Journey. That's my new friend here. Yeah. Time. As a four year old, four-year-old. I will tell you that will tell you, you got time. You got time. time. What? So I guess I just I guess I didn't realize it. Because you you're skin I mean, this, like, one of the celebrations of, like, being a beautiful black woman, honey, like, you'll just look twenty four for the rest of your day. Oh, my last question too, because I think it's asking mine. Who? What? Where when? Why this top? This top is so cute. It is so bright. The way that it fits you when you stood up. Put this up on for you. I was screaming when Screaming when you stood up to go get your door stood up to go get your door earlier. I and then but then realized that you put it. Who made this top? I'm put this up on for you. This is a random top that I saw in urban flipping outfitters. And it was one of these tops where you're like, That's not like your style, but it's so fun. It has like peace signs -- Peace signs. -- and signs. And then this like random neon and anyone who knows me knows I love a neon, but I literally put, I was like, this is for this like random neon and anyone who knows me knows I love a neon. But I literally because I was like, this is for JVN. And the energy from it so much. On hand. And a little bit of mid drift too, which also for me, just like always completes a look. From me, I just Seales like a give me like a bit of mid trip, please. Oh my god. But, yes, I feel fabulous that you took notice because this literally was for you. Yes. I mean, hi, good eggnuts. It's so fucking cute. It's so fucking chic. I'm obsessed. That'll be super cute. Obsessed. For those who want to get more obsessed with the JVN experience, what do they need to get? Where do they need to see you? you? What do they need to they need to follow, etcetera? Yes. So I am gonna I will be doing some tour stuff coming up later in the year and next year, you know, miss Rona, fucking willing. Actually, I'm not gonna gender Rona as the female who does not happen on my wife, but you said that. If Rona willing, okay, they hopefully, I'll be drawing a lot to look for that out. And then clear I should be coming out sometime. And I have I also have some, like, really exciting projects that I literally just have not been able to talk about. And I still can't, but I've been working on them so much and so hard. So just just if you think that someone has been posting stuff, maybe it's because they've been working it. Oh, honey. On some fun stuff. So that will be so just just keep looking at it. Just JBN. You'll you'll see it. The last dose. Well, thank you so much. I'm so glad we did this. And just like I agreed to do part two for you, please do a part two for me. Please. And I hope that we satiated you guys' I know that a lot of you all that like me are obsessed with gymnastics and you'd have no one to talk to. So I hope that you got your appetite left by listening to our spirited conversation, and there's just so much more that we could talk about in that space. But you know, JBN, keep growing, keep shining, and I think it's all as though to, like, meet people in this business and then see them grow, and then also see then, like, not just elevate as their careers, but, like, elevate as people and still be grounded and be able to, like, just have a laugh and see the real things because, honey, that's not the case with everybody. So kudos to you. Kudos to you. I love you so much. Thanks much. Thanks for having me on your for having me on your podcast. You today. A podcast network.