0:06

A guy's this and I'm getting the sense of the

0:08

listener really wants to get in the up as the

0:10

others as well get a brilliant we want to give

0:12

up anything you'd like to save her or we get

0:15

an Air Canada now or forever. Have to John don't

0:17

actually have in oh my god I'm good I'm down

0:19

Your and religion are not. Audio will jump jump into

0:21

the not the shit out of their children as Power

0:23

Gallery Go Welcome Spotless. March.

0:42

So. Sean was

0:44

asking me before we came on. I said to

0:46

save it for up. For. The Peak

0:48

Earth. Yeah. We are always at

0:50

the Emmys as recently as to present an

0:52

award and and didn't didn't do the the

0:54

red carpet sort of sitting in the audience

0:56

saying just kind of drove there myself and

0:58

went through the backdoor presented in the letter

1:00

right after that. So just I said to

1:02

Franny Tracy this is my seventeen year old

1:04

daughter new I said i'm just gonna go

1:06

you know a in and out there you

1:08

want to come with me and kind of

1:11

see was you'll be a seizure So we

1:13

drove down there together and we went in

1:15

there I said and then we're in the

1:17

green room in the news article. a big.

1:20

I was part of the route program and then and

1:22

then while we were I said cut come with me

1:24

to the to the wings that this has time to

1:26

present and I said the for any com walk with

1:29

me right to the edge of the state as you

1:31

can see how it all works. She watches over the

1:33

and stage manager said to her said ah hey you

1:35

want to walk the award out there. Yeah.

1:38

And and she's like what he what he

1:40

means that well you know instead of the

1:42

awards gala walk in and out there the

1:44

trophy gal you do want to walk the

1:46

a word out there in psych. Ah sure

1:48

Ah Franny ended up walking out onstage. yeah

1:51

I'm with me presume with the award in

1:53

her hand and handed it to the to

1:55

the to the winner. They're installed a shell

1:57

it could very low resort wedges still show

1:59

but a. I mean, it was very cool

2:01

that we were like on stage together at the

2:03

Emmy. Like when, when's that ever going to, that's

2:06

really cool. We were, we were with your

2:08

wife, Amanda. Yeah. And they were

2:11

Scottie with some friends and

2:13

Amanda, and I think I can say Amanda and

2:16

I are dating now. And we can

2:18

say that. You can say,

2:20

you don't have to know, but we said,

2:22

you were first privately. You walked out, you

2:25

walked out with, and then you were there with Franny.

2:27

We're like, oh my God, it's right. And we were

2:29

like rewinding. We kept her rewinding. The

2:32

camera didn't catch her too great, but we looked at it.

2:34

The camera didn't catch her great enough, but we looked at

2:36

it. We looked at it in the crowd and there's, uh,

2:38

uh, uh, Kimmel and, and Molly, uh,

2:41

sitting right on the aisle. You could see the shot.

2:43

They were like, Oh my God, that's Franny. Like

2:45

they like pulled out their iPhones and took some pictures.

2:48

Isn't that sweet? But it was wild. Right when

2:50

you walked out to present, I looked over to

2:52

your other beautiful, gorgeous, amazing daughter, maple. And I,

2:54

yeah, I looked at her and she was like

2:56

staring at the screen with a big smile on

2:58

her face. She didn't have to say anything. I

3:00

was like, what's going on in her head? Like,

3:02

Oh my God, that's my dad. So cool. So

3:05

it was, it was really, really sweet. And,

3:07

uh, I will say may have, I

3:10

don't know what to have. It's almost

3:12

like since Christmas and it's not been that

3:14

long seems so much older

3:16

now. Yeah. Like in the last

3:18

two weeks, I haven't seen her in two weeks before

3:20

the other night. We bought her some growth hormone for

3:22

Christmas. Oh, that's good. Yeah.

3:25

How do you, how do you, how do you, uh,

3:27

cream? It's a cream. I remember

3:29

you saying you were like, we're going to

3:31

take her to this Institute in the Alps.

3:33

You guys went to Switzerland. Yeah. Well, you

3:35

got to do it outside of the country.

3:38

It's too experimental right now, but yeah, she's

3:40

really growing four inches since Christmas. No, it's

3:42

really sweet. She is. She's really great. I

3:44

love her. Um, all right. Well, thank you

3:46

for the family indulgence. There. Do you want to get to our

3:48

guests or do you guys have some fun? Can I just ask

3:51

you a quick question? Yeah. Capricorn. Does

3:54

that do it? Yeah. Well, part of

3:56

it. Um, do Capricorns where

3:58

their headphones over the. hoodie because I

4:00

want to know what is the chili

4:02

in the house here hold on it's

4:05

right oh it's Shawn's and look at that

4:07

there just took office by the way Jason your hair so I

4:10

will say this the other thing I loved about and I said

4:12

it at the time when we were all watching did I been

4:14

trying you can back me up you

4:16

came out you presented you did you little

4:18

bit you referenced the photo it was the

4:20

perfect I was like that's how you present

4:22

you were the absolute example honestly it was

4:24

so good it was tight it was great

4:26

you look great with the long hair I

4:29

think I told you that Lewis who would

4:31

say that he looks like out of the

4:33

other day says to me unsolicited Jason's hair

4:35

looks amazing I was like okay man yeah

4:37

Lewis hands on me earlier and old Louis okay

4:40

yeah I mean like come on man but you

4:42

you came out or it looked great and then

4:44

you just did your bit it was funny and

4:46

then you I don't know there was

4:48

something really classy or simple I love that it

4:51

was it was great you didn't try too hard it

4:53

was great cuz you're my friend this is one of the

4:55

best parts though are one of our friends that you

4:57

that we all know that we were sitting next to they

5:00

start playing the theme to the will the Will and

5:02

Grace program and she leans over

5:05

to me and she goes what song is this

5:07

she's a funny one she should go into comedy

5:10

listening to my show that I was on yeah

5:12

yeah listener her name

5:14

rhymes with Benifer

5:16

Ganniston but we're not

5:18

gonna tell you no no good she goes she goes what

5:22

song is that I got that's from my show yeah

5:24

and she was like you're gonna you're an actor I

5:26

remember hearing her just I love how Fred you know

5:28

cuz Franny

5:31

and maple have grown up with Jensen's they were

5:33

looking they thought that she just

5:35

sold that she was a

5:37

water salesman and a shampoo

5:39

salesman until about five or

5:42

six years ago remember came

5:44

over for like in the

5:46

before Christmas and he thought

5:49

he thought that Jen's was a really nice

5:51

restaurant how do we always

5:56

have this restaurant rent it out look I like that

6:00

You can always get a table. It's not a restaurant,

6:02

but... Guys, today I've got for you a big brain.

6:04

I know you like it when we have folks on

6:07

the show that can fill us in on all the

6:09

things we have trouble figuring out, people that can make

6:11

us smarter, right? After all, it's called Smartless. Well, we

6:13

have a long way to go on that. We don't

6:15

know anything. Now, they might not be our most entertaining

6:18

guest or the funniest, but they are important to hear

6:20

and sometimes you just have to take them to medicine.

6:22

So today we've got your

6:24

set person, so settle in. All right?

6:26

She's been studying human beings and society

6:28

in general for decades. She's

6:31

been sharing her findings with audiences all

6:33

over the world. She delivers her lectures

6:35

live or on podcasts or television and

6:38

books. Often her

6:40

lectures cover issues ranging from equality,

6:42

religion, politics, relationships, and even procreation.

6:45

For her work, she has been recognized

6:47

with numerous awards and admiration, including a

6:49

Peabody Award. Lately, she

6:51

has shocked the world and tried her hand

6:54

in the entertainment world too. She's found herself

6:56

on the receiving end of one nomination from

6:58

the Golden Globes, two from the Grammys, one

7:00

from the Tonys, 13 Emmy nominations, and

7:02

ended up winning one of those. She

7:06

has also hosted the Oscars.

7:08

Guys, it's the girl with

7:10

the lower back tattoo. It's

7:12

America's own Amy Schumer. Guys,

7:14

I thought it was some academic

7:17

stiff. Hi. Hi,

7:19

Amy. Hi, guys. Good night. Good

7:22

night. Hi. Hi. I

7:25

could just feel you see then going,

7:27

oh, fucking Bateman's got himself another academic

7:29

guy. Wow. I

7:31

got it. You look so sad. He does. That's

7:34

his resting sad face. Can I just say I'm a little disappointed,

7:36

Amy, because you were going to be my guest a long time

7:38

ago. Yeah. Yeah. I'd

7:40

be in and then Bateman stole you from out under.

7:43

That often happens on the show. I actually just texted our

7:46

producer the other day, a couple of names, and he's like,

7:48

in process.

7:51

He's like, oh, okay. Somebody else got.

7:53

Can I just say this is my first actual

7:55

first time that two men have ever fought over me,

7:57

and I just want to relish. I'll

8:00

fight over you. Really? Yeah, okay

8:02

two and a half I'm

8:07

a half Amy. I'm such a huge fan. I've

8:09

never met you before. I've always felt like God.

8:12

I just love you What

8:15

is your problem? What's your problem? I

8:17

can hear I'm

8:20

thrilled to be here to promote my

8:23

lecture my lecture. Oh,

8:25

you were going right into a plug for

8:27

your new project Oh my god. No, I'm

8:29

done. Did I tell you I just I just

8:32

left the business so you know, we're making

8:34

news Yeah, what

8:36

are you gonna do? I'm

8:39

just gonna be like a fit model. I guess might

8:42

as well. Hello you What

8:47

do we explain that incredibly gorgeous

8:49

background you've got there now Is

8:53

that how honestly my first time

8:55

anybody's ever like see in the

8:57

back of my thing? You would think but I say

8:59

that better you got another chance to say okay.

9:01

Okay, I'm still rolling I haven't podcasted

9:04

from this room ever. Oh This

9:07

is my first exposure and I

9:09

didn't think it through and no, this

9:11

is my office This is my office. It's real

9:13

tasteful. Yeah, it's not good. It's not good. No,

9:15

it's good Is it a home office? Are we

9:18

talking to you from a home office? Yes,

9:21

this is my home office according to

9:23

my taxes and I don't want to

9:25

get you in trouble with the IRS

9:27

That's not my goal. Yeah. No, this

9:29

is my this is a this is my

9:31

little home office It's not big but it's

9:34

mine. And as you can see, I

9:36

started color-coding my books and then I stopped My

9:41

book I'm sorry Sean Kelleck

9:43

coded his books right and it took like better

9:46

part of 15 seconds. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's

9:48

not worth the money Well, they're all audio

9:50

books or you know But

9:53

but but a lot of people have home offices do you

9:55

actually sit there and work from your home office? I Haven't

9:59

much That's why I mean that is truly

10:01

my first. Podcast. From here

10:03

so I feel exposed I feel humiliated

10:06

I didn't realize a I left this

10:08

door open and you can see a

10:10

sad pile of stuff and I can

10:12

see your taste for windows and couch

10:14

and rugs and like yo I will

10:16

see that amy those that pile of

10:18

stuffed animals it does look a his

10:20

from a horror film. I will just

10:22

say if you bloody. Said you want

10:24

is if you saw these things up

10:27

up close, you wouldn't really question. The.

10:29

Rest of the center be it's really

10:31

him. Really terrifying said I was. I

10:33

grabbed them I mean and and I wanted to say of

10:35

all regrets and which is of. Course it and doing

10:37

this by guess at all but mostly not

10:40

wearing a bra. Okay my book and I

10:42

am aware of onion is finally thought that

10:44

one on okay guys are now. Ah Amy,

10:47

what about working from her? Wouldn't what is

10:49

what is worth look like for you? I'm

10:51

and I'm not not being a shitty I

10:53

would. How does houses as a stand up?

10:56

ah or well you're You're beyond that. You're

10:58

more than that. But when you're doing standup

11:00

work to support interest me you don't know

11:03

It was as you notice walking around town

11:05

with a little pad of. Paper and like

11:07

jotting down shit you think might be funny

11:09

right? Years it's it's harder than that, it's

11:11

you're sitting down, you're trying to craft actual

11:14

you know, word sequencing on a joke set

11:16

up that like at it is that happen

11:18

in an office for used are not a

11:20

wall or is it more collaborative. I.

11:22

Don't do. I don't. I don't really

11:25

read, I think I used to re I doubt

11:27

just will say something. In. Oh to

11:29

a friend, her. My. Husband or isn't

11:31

that funny And then I read the down. And

11:34

then around the I don't I've never had

11:36

the discipline to sit and ray I sit

11:38

and write scripts in bed. Like.

11:40

I said up in bed and a mostly rate. In

11:42

bed. I don't know what I'm

11:44

doing in here. I don't

11:47

I don't feel comfortable here and thank

11:49

you for point that now and put

11:51

your behavior do you mean is planted

11:53

requested. for when

11:55

you're up on stage you're not risking off

11:57

now points are you know this from like

12:00

You know try I'll have a premise and I'll kind

12:02

of just say the premise on stage at the comedy

12:04

cell or something and then Yeah, just

12:06

work it out and you know Yeah, so

12:08

so let me ask you about that about

12:11

the comedy seller and all that kind of

12:13

stuff So for you now, you're you're an

12:15

established comedy star, but you'd still have to

12:17

do You still go

12:19

and you work stuff out. I mean just talk to

12:21

tell You know Tracy what that

12:23

what that process is like for you Tracy Shawn

12:25

sister Tracy Morgan He's

12:29

not doing that but what do you What

12:32

is that like for you? So you're talking to your husband

12:34

your friends or whatever and then you end up having some

12:36

material you're like, alright I've got I've got like a bunch

12:38

of stuff. Yeah, and then you go what you're

12:41

like It's a Thursday night like tonight and you go like I'm

12:43

gonna put the kids to bed I'm gonna go to the comedy

12:45

seller at 10 o'clock. I just only one

12:47

kid, but you're like one of my one kid Sorry,

12:49

you know that I know I mean I

12:52

say kids cuz I'm trying to shame you do you I

12:56

Know you've been trying do you Know

13:00

but totally happen which makes it real business. What

13:02

makes it funny? But do you do

13:04

you think? Jason

13:07

asked me one time was very rudely about

13:09

because I actually had my uterus removed and

13:12

Is that true? But I and he was like, did you

13:14

save it and I was like, I actually did save it

13:16

I like had a bronze, you know because of how difficult

13:18

my pregnancy was and I can't believe I didn't even think

13:20

of this But I get the chance to show this to

13:23

you. No way Okay,

13:28

this is my uterus I really got

13:30

oh my god, can you call it closer to

13:32

the camera? That's okay.

13:34

Wow. Okay, so I think my joke that

13:36

I take my joke back because I had

13:39

I literally had zero idea Check

13:48

your email will yeah Tweeting

13:52

I didn't even see you leave the screen I

13:56

am I do a part. I had zero idea obviously,

13:58

but it's all good what I wanted know is,

14:00

so you write down your joke ideas, it's a Thursday night,

14:02

you put your son to bed and then

14:05

you go, honey, I'm going to go to the Comedy

14:07

Central at 10pm, I'm just going to walk over there

14:09

or you show up. How does that

14:11

work? How do you go and just work stuff out? So

14:14

I would usually, I really haven't

14:16

been, I've been doing other stuff, but I

14:18

would say, I

14:21

would actually say I'm going to do a surprise

14:23

show at the seller and I would go and

14:25

do however much time

14:27

I have, 45 minutes or something and

14:29

just try new stuff. And it's like, I

14:32

do like day shows so the audience doesn't feel too

14:34

bad. It's like 4pm. They pay

14:36

like five dollars. That's a great idea. Yeah. Great

14:39

idea. And it's like, I'm

14:41

like, seriously, you know, you hear about comedians

14:43

like Joan Rivers or Rickles and they would

14:45

be doing like some casino show at like

14:47

11am and you're like, and now that's like

14:49

me. Yeah. That's like my dream is just

14:52

to get home. Yeah. That's perfect. Because

14:54

everybody wants to be super, but like, do you call them in advance and

14:56

go, hey, it's Amy Schumer. I'm showing up at 4pm and

14:58

I'm going to do an hour or no. You

15:00

just show up. Well, no, I just like

15:03

text Liz, the manager, SC the

15:05

booker and I say, it's today a good day

15:07

for me to come and do. And

15:09

they would write like secret girl show and Liz would post

15:11

a picture of her pug and that really means it's me.

15:13

And some people know that. So like,

15:15

you know, 60 people would come up,

15:17

you know, 4pm on a Tuesday. I'd

15:20

be right there. How? Lunchtime.

15:23

Look after that pug. Yeah. No.

15:25

And then you, I work it out and I, you know,

15:27

I take out the stuff that's bombing like

15:29

everything on this podcast so far. And

15:32

no, no, it's fine. What

15:34

about, what about, whoa, shut the fuck up. Will,

15:40

what, uh, your son, uh, we'll, we'll

15:42

mention your son. It reminded me of

15:44

a way. Okay. So guys,

15:46

I have a daughter hurt. No, her

15:49

son's name is Jean. Okay. And

15:51

she named his middle name, a

15:53

tell right after David tell. And

15:56

then she realized, um, well, say,

15:59

say, say the. First and and middle

16:01

name or quickly together shown. go ahead.

16:04

Finity. In. A

16:06

sense so she change a cushy started I

16:08

tell my genitals C C signed over it's

16:10

the other. Like me as a new mom and still

16:12

have is a month then and then I realized and

16:14

may as assessing. The Fisher so I named

16:16

him Genital Fisher said. I

16:19

could I possibly suddenly. It

16:22

a little switch a rule on that

16:24

we are we're the same thing with

16:26

maple. We we are in April. Sylvie

16:28

Bateman ah and and and C C

16:30

N one of her or friends older

16:33

sisters or said wait, maple syrup, Bacon.

16:35

And were like shit. We got to go downtown and

16:37

we going to change. Isn't the same as aiming

16:39

your kid after like. Cock and balls

16:41

get caught oversee. What about? What about Amy?

16:44

What about his real name? Nut? Say. That.

16:48

One of them are based on either one

16:50

of the weekend. Sunday. that's his latest

16:52

said he sounds like a lawyer. Smart?

16:54

Yes, Arm or it Now Amy

16:57

Yes Was your first introduction to

16:59

Stand up. Why did you get

17:01

started in that world? His mom

17:04

or dad's funny? Did they take

17:06

you to comedy shops? Like What?

17:08

Why? Why that what happened actually

17:11

we did was let a comedy

17:13

on. I grew up

17:15

watching you just getting to a

17:17

given a language lowering your it's

17:19

effects on. I just remember being

17:21

like one years old watching you

17:23

and your prime. Ah,

17:27

I I Love and Guild and

17:29

Lucy and Whoopi Goldberg and Comic

17:31

Release and as an hour which

17:33

wasn't a branded as an old

17:35

and but you know and then

17:37

on. And I did plays and

17:40

yeah my my parents were both really funny

17:42

But then I I did improv. After

17:44

college where they show we're parents

17:46

in entertainment now, my mom's Us

17:48

military therapist for the death and

17:51

my dad sold baby furniture. Ah

17:53

ha airlines yeah yeah I did

17:55

he make the baby for an

17:58

answer. Know. He. Period

18:01

he they imported from Europe from

18:03

Italy. So parents who wanted fancy baby

18:05

furniture for said opponents are not the

18:07

baby's Yeah, we don't Not import the

18:09

babies. And.

18:12

We will be right back. Thank

18:17

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21:32

Now back to the show. what

21:35

was that first time amy that first

21:37

time you were on stage i just

21:39

i'm asking just because i i've never

21:42

had the balls to do any sort

21:44

of stand up or mana whenever i

21:46

was saying it were me i do

21:48

once with willie it at u c

21:50

b but it was i have total

21:52

blackout to those so nervous but i

21:54

can't imagine even do a toast to

21:56

my his it's own post my year

21:58

and i've really lost up when

22:01

you're on stage there the first time you decided

22:03

to okay I'm gonna do this set or this

22:05

series of jokes I think are funny what was

22:07

that like and how old were you?

22:10

I was 23 which means

22:12

I've been doing standard for 20 years no

22:15

I'm 42 nevermind. Where were you where

22:17

was this was it's like a college?

22:20

It was a Gotham the old Gotham comedy

22:22

club. I had done and I

22:24

was like I did one of those improv

22:26

groups that you like pay to be in

22:28

like just a straight-up hustle from backstage you

22:31

know that paper and yeah it was like

22:33

you know $50 to like go to a

22:38

freezing theater and meet like other

22:41

mentally ill people and and

22:43

one of the women

22:48

in it was like I'm doing a show Gotham you

22:51

just had to bring four people and I watched her and I

22:53

just thought like I could I could maybe

22:55

do this. That's how you get up on

22:57

stage as if you brought four people to pay cover. Really?

23:00

So it's like amateur night but you gotta

23:02

have four people to okay yes you

23:04

can get you can actually get in front of real audience

23:07

it's not just like right to open mics because you

23:10

know and generally a real audience will laugh

23:12

at some point because they feel bad for

23:14

you. Did you trust that the stuff that you worked

23:16

on was working? I mean no

23:20

I decided that day that I

23:22

was gonna do it Wow and I

23:25

had no no material. No I

23:27

wrote out a set like I just came up

23:29

with like what would you know fuck me

23:31

what was your first joke this is fascinating

23:33

it was about

23:35

how skywriting is a stupid way to

23:37

get engaged. You

23:40

know it feels so sad it's

23:42

like I had and I talked

23:44

about taking the cross town bus in Manhattan

23:46

and like it was just like

23:49

you trusted your ability to just kind of

23:51

riff on stuff and and and that

23:53

there would be a shared sort of experience

23:55

with yeah and it went well enough I think this

23:58

is a lot of comedians. experience

24:00

that your first time you do really well

24:02

and then the second time you die on

24:04

stage. Yeah. What

24:07

if it hadn't gone well? Do you think

24:09

you would have said, okay, screw this. And

24:12

if so, where do you think you would have

24:14

gone career wise? What are you drawn to? Oh

24:17

my gosh. I was always going to just perform.

24:19

Like I never had a thing. Like I went

24:22

to college for theater and had no goals, had

24:24

no backup. I waited in tables and bartended for

24:26

a long time. But

24:29

you can see that right? Me being like a rude waitress.

24:32

You miss theater. I got to do a

24:34

Broadway show. Oh, what'd you do? I

24:37

did a Steve Martin play called meteor shower.

24:39

Oh yeah. Oh, my child's

24:41

week. Yeah. Tony nomination for.

24:43

Yes. Yeah. Wow. That's so

24:46

cool. Amy. Thank you. I saw I've

24:48

seen now twice prayer for the French Republic on

24:50

Broadway. It's so good. You guys have. Oh,

24:52

yeah. I've heard that's great. Yeah. I

24:54

used to wait tables and my one joke

24:57

was I would bring the food to the,

24:59

I was a runner. I was an waiter. I ran the food to

25:01

the people. Anytime I would

25:04

have to play. I

25:07

would have to play. You

25:09

just come in hissing hot shit. I

25:15

would come in and right before I put the

25:17

food down, somebody would inevitably say, Oh,

25:19

that looks fantastic. And I'd point to my shirt

25:21

and I go, thanks. I just got it. Yeah.

25:26

I worked every time. You

25:30

get any repeat customers really fucking you did that

25:32

like the last three times. Sweatiest

25:35

joke, please stop. I

25:38

feel like I didn't rush to you, Sean, for

25:40

how funny and how much I love you.

25:42

Oh, but okay. My job that I

25:44

do ad nauseam, like, and I cannot

25:46

stop myself is whenever

25:48

somebody I'll order a drink, a cocktail. I'm when

25:51

the waiter brings it over. I go, who sent

25:53

this? I do it all the time. What

26:00

like a bar? I'm sure that all the time.

26:02

Okay. Also does something. It

26:04

never doesn't work. He'll grab whatever clutch

26:07

or purse he sees around and throw

26:09

it over his shoulder and distractedly kind

26:11

of look up from rifling through

26:13

going, guys, does anybody need anything from CVS

26:16

right back? Or anytime there's a candle,

26:19

he holds it up and then guards the flame

26:22

and goes, guys, right this way. I think yeah.

26:24

I don't even know the bathroom. Another favorite one

26:26

that we do a lot of comics and friends,

26:28

it's we'll just like, this is

26:31

probably another bit everyone does, but we try to, we all

26:33

act like we're going to pay the bill. We go like,

26:35

no, no, I got this. And then we'll put like a Metro

26:38

card or like just something that makes sense. You know? Yeah.

26:40

Or our favorite. This is my favorite bit

26:43

we would do is we would go, maybe

26:46

you've heard this too. I don't know if this is like a bit,

26:48

but it's like comics go like, Oh

26:50

my God, did you guys see me last night? Like I was,

26:53

I was amazed. Have you heard this before? Yeah,

26:55

I was amazing. Like, I don't know what happened.

26:57

Everything was just firing. And then one of us

26:59

would go like, Keith, we were

27:02

there and he goes, well, they were

27:04

mostly from out of town. They were barked in.

27:06

They didn't

27:09

know where they were. Sean, did we really

27:11

talk about Sean had this really funny bit where he

27:13

and his friend went on a trip once and they

27:15

had to borrow a fan because he needs a fan

27:17

in order to fall asleep. Cause

27:20

he loves the fan. Yeah. So we'll just grab anybody, anybody

27:22

who's seen Will and Grace or whatever, but he just needs

27:24

a fan. No, no,

27:27

no, sorry. I'm kidding. But if fan, so he goes,

27:29

he's at this hotel and they, they bring in a

27:31

fan. They go, of course, cause he's Sean Hayes of

27:33

Will and Grace. They love him. They're big fans. And they

27:35

put the thing, they give him a fan. It says for

27:37

office, do not take out of the office. It says on

27:39

the fan. So he and his friend,

27:41

they were on this and they spent the whole

27:43

night doing bits about the person who comes back

27:46

to the office and the fans and notices the

27:48

fan is missing. Right.

27:50

So then, so then like a month ago, we

27:52

were at dinner, maybe two months ago and we

27:55

started doing, and everybody had to do

27:57

their version of the boss coming back.

28:00

And you have to say, where's my fan? And where's

28:02

my fan? And the line was

28:04

where you could, you couldn't change anything. You could, you

28:06

could do whatever you want, but you had to say,

28:08

where's my fan? Yeah. You can come in super happy

28:10

and come up with me. We did an hour on

28:12

it. Where was this and where was I? It was

28:14

funny. It was, you had already gone home. It was

28:16

after 7.30 PM. So you'd already gone to bed. I

28:20

don't know where you were, JB. Cause Amanda was there.

28:22

So you come in. So Amy, you come in and you do this.

28:24

You go, so you come in and you go,

28:27

Hey guys. So we're going to start the

28:29

day for four through six as a real

28:32

big issue with their sheets. We have to

28:34

change their sheets. Where's my

28:36

fan? So fucking

28:41

Sean and I have started doing this bit where we

28:43

go, where we go. Yeah, man. Of course

28:46

I know where that is. Hello. Hello. And then

28:50

you answer yourself. Surprise yourself. Oh,

28:53

why is it so fun?

28:55

We're dumb. We're very dumb. Speaking

28:57

of dumb, what happens when you

28:59

get some real dumb ass, lippy

29:01

audience member that wants to just

29:04

start talking to you or commenting

29:06

on your joke or at worst,

29:08

you know, heckling or something like

29:10

that. You got any, like anything

29:13

ever go really sideways. It's sort of

29:15

a Sean Hayes question. Yeah. Anybody from

29:17

state get down, walk down into the

29:19

stands and I have never

29:22

physically assaulted anybody in the audience.

29:24

Um, we're not lawyers. Oh,

29:26

all right. It was, okay. Look, one

29:29

time. Yeah. No,

29:32

I have like some YouTube videos

29:34

showing me with hecklers over

29:36

the years. Yeah.

29:38

Yeah. I, you know, it's like every

29:41

comic I think is because they had like

29:43

a bad, you know, labor

29:45

childhood experience. Yeah. Just trauma, trauma.

29:48

So, um, so, and

29:50

you know, I think people get into

29:52

standup because of the control of it.

29:54

They like that. It's a one-sided conversation.

29:57

So when it goes wrong, you're already.

30:00

you're pretty defensive. So I,

30:02

you're ready. And, uh, and

30:04

you know, the goal is to get like a big laugh.

30:07

And, and, but some comics, you know,

30:09

we'll take it too far and you just see that

30:11

they're in, it ruins the show.

30:13

Cause you just see that they're, yeah. Or they're

30:16

really sad and angry. And they're

30:18

too affected by it. That's the thing you've got

30:20

to avoid. I'm

30:22

guessing, right? You can't, can't don't

30:24

make the audience tight or tense

30:27

or the best thing I've seen is just

30:29

to diffuse it. Honestly,

30:31

like, I think that's the pro move. They

30:34

go like, you suck. You're like, thanks dad.

30:36

Or, you know, like whatever. Just try

30:38

to keep the show moving. It's just

30:40

like, you know, it's a fun little,

30:44

that's the bad, I think that's the, that's the pro.

30:46

Are you crying? A little bit. Why?

30:48

When you're not doing it, aim, do you, am

30:50

I, I cut everybody. I love it. I love

30:52

it. When you're not doing it, do you miss

30:55

it? Do you crave it? Do you crave going

30:57

back on when you're not like on tour or

30:59

not doing it? Um, yeah,

31:01

I do. I really miss it. I mean,

31:03

it's, it's hard because it's like,

31:06

you know, within your family, like

31:08

no one like is

31:11

interested in your career. You know?

31:15

And so it's like to, to

31:17

go on stage, like if I went to the cellar right

31:19

now, I would go up and I would get a long

31:21

applause and people would be excited to see me. And I

31:25

just can't really get used to that because

31:27

then, you know, you, you start thinking that

31:29

they're right. And like, why is it, you

31:32

know, am I important in

31:34

my, in my household? And you know,

31:36

as you all know, you're not, um,

31:39

the last person to give it up anything

31:41

for me is inside my house. Of course.

31:43

So it's like, yeah, it's,

31:45

you know, same. Yeah. So

31:48

it's a, well, what about, so you might, I'm

31:50

a real hit at home to be honest. Is

31:52

that true? I don't see that for you. That's

31:55

why he does pretty well. Why not? Why don't

31:57

you, I don't know. I thought let's just

31:59

keep the conversation. Okay, but I

32:01

just but I do say

32:03

you know, what's funny is is I know I

32:05

totally hear that in in because it's not real

32:07

and it's outsized for you

32:09

know from your real life meaning meaning that

32:12

we all have a relationship to their family,

32:15

etc. And then you go on stage or

32:17

you interact with fans and that kind of

32:19

adulation is not is not normal.

32:21

But I will also say that people

32:24

you know, people say like, Oh, you like people who like you and I

32:26

go, Yeah, what's wrong

32:28

with that? Right? Of course

32:31

I do. Will on Sunday

32:33

was making me pee my

32:36

pants my stomach hurts so bad from

32:38

laughing and I turned to Alessandra

32:40

his baby mama and I turned to

32:42

Alessandra and I go, God, it never

32:45

I'm crying laughing. I go it just

32:47

doesn't stop and she goes from 6am

32:49

till bedtime. Yeah, this is while

32:51

she was cleaning her gun or was

32:53

she loading it?

32:57

While you while you love

32:59

the immediate gratification and feedback

33:01

of a standup stage, you

33:04

know, you're, you're doing way more

33:07

sort of like on camera stuff now than

33:09

you ever were before. And it's almost more

33:12

more so than than standup work, right? So

33:14

how are you? Are you able

33:16

to get the same amount of gratification

33:18

with it just being in front of

33:20

a crew and hoping that later the editor

33:22

and marketing and all that stuff comes like,

33:25

how do you what's the gratification of doing

33:27

the on camera stuff? Is it equal to

33:29

it? Is it more? I love

33:33

the process. I like you

33:35

know, I know. I know. I know. I know.

33:37

I know. I know. I hate my. Okay. I'm

33:39

allowed to say process. Okay. Don't say storyteller. I

33:41

will not. I will not. I will not. I will

33:43

not. I will not. I'll be so honored to

33:45

be part

33:51

of telling. We're story tell with.

33:54

Oh, that's fucking. No, I. I

34:00

love a writer's room. I

34:02

love collaborating. I love, you know.

34:05

How do you like directing? You've been doing that too. Did

34:07

you like that sort of collaborative process? I love it.

34:10

I was doing it

34:13

before I was credited to do it. So, you know,

34:15

it's like, that's the truth. So

34:17

yeah, and I love doing it with

34:19

my crew. I

34:23

always work with Dan Palke, Evan Kane and Ryan McFall and

34:25

we kind of all do it together. But

34:28

directing, I love it. Yeah,

34:30

as opposed to that sort of that solo

34:32

thing of being on stage. It's a completely

34:34

different thing, right? But you love it just

34:36

as much, huh? Yeah, it's isolating. And

34:39

then what about the writing process of

34:42

scripts versus standup stuff? So you're in your bed,

34:44

like writing train reference, which by the way is

34:47

one of my favorite. Love climbing. I

34:49

love that. It's so good that judges

34:51

crushed that. Did

34:53

you, was that a fantastic experience or was

34:55

it a lot more work than you had

34:58

anticipated? And if so, was it worth it? It

35:01

was totally fun. And

35:05

it was completely worth it and amazing. And

35:07

I was like afraid of becoming famous, but

35:09

it's been okay. What

35:12

do you guys think about it? I

35:15

loved it. And I also think. Like a train

35:17

wreck? No, I mean being famous. I think you're a great

35:19

famous person by the way. Really? Yeah, I like the

35:21

way you, no, I do

35:24

like the way you treat fame. You're

35:26

very un-precious about it. You're very

35:28

humble about it. You're hilarious

35:30

about it. You don't take it too

35:32

seriously. Yet you're very

35:34

serious about what it is you're doing. You

35:37

seem to have an incredible. Well, you're very

35:39

honest. You're very sort of open and transparent

35:41

and very honest about how you feel about

35:43

stuff. And so you're not held captive by

35:45

it. Sometimes people can be so nervous about

35:48

losing it or presenting the right way

35:50

or whatever. You seem to

35:52

be very honest. I don't, again, don't know you that

35:54

well. I didn't even know you had your uterus removed.

35:56

But I do. I

35:59

do get this. That's a problem. That's not actually a eater. That

36:01

means a lot. I can't

36:03

believe I just backed myself into these compliments. No, but it's

36:05

true. Sean, did you want to add anything? I actually had

36:07

a question about that. It's not really time for questions. Sean's

36:10

been very vocal about that. He

36:14

does not like fame on you. Yes. Well,

36:17

you said, Sean is famously quoted, women aren't funny. Famously.

36:23

By the way, he pre-made his

36:25

gravestone to say that. He

36:28

had it made years ago. It's waiting for him

36:30

to die. You already sleep under it, which I

36:32

think was his dream choice. I'm just trying to

36:34

get acclimated. You know, that's what they say. Do

36:37

you think they mean, will women ever be funny? No, no. It's

36:40

Sean's question. It's Sean's question. Okay, Sean, thank

36:42

you for that question. I just texted Will

36:44

my question. No, Amy,

36:46

my question was about that, though. I was

36:48

just starting to write down a question about

36:50

how open you are, about

36:53

being body positive. You seem to always be on

36:55

the right side of every issue, at

36:57

least I follow you on Instagram and I'm like, yes,

36:59

yes. Like every time you think you've heard support. Yes.

37:04

About every time you point something about

37:06

an opinion or I agree with it and I love your

37:09

voice basically. Thank you. Did

37:12

you ever, were you ever not like that? And was there

37:14

a defining moment when you're like, you know what? I

37:16

got to get out of my shell and start, you know, life

37:20

is bigger than just me and my career, my

37:22

family. I have to actually start expressing myself about

37:25

bigger issues that include everybody. Was

37:28

there something that pushed you that way or was there

37:30

like, wait a minute, I got to get off the

37:32

couch and do something? No,

37:34

I'm on the couch as you know, like that's

37:36

for me, I'm in the bed. But no,

37:40

I was always like this. I was

37:42

always open in my

37:44

app and couldn't really. Yeah, I

37:46

didn't know what it meant to

37:49

be a feminist like

37:51

Will. It just

37:53

means like thinking of women equally. But at some

37:55

point you didn't care what people. was

38:00

there a shift? No, everybody, everyone

38:02

always care. I care what people think, you know, it's

38:04

like, no, what kind of an actual sociopath

38:06

doesn't care. Right. Well, that's kind of my

38:09

point. It's not that you don't care what

38:11

people think is that you're willing to risk

38:13

saying what you believe and then be honest

38:16

and no matter what people think. And of

38:18

course, right, as human beings, we all take

38:20

that shit on and I don't care who

38:22

you are. You can read a comment, you

38:24

can read a review, you can read a

38:26

thing and it'll hurt your feelings because we

38:28

are human beings, but the ability to continue

38:30

to be honest and true to your, what

38:32

you believe, I think is very admirable considering

38:34

that it's much more, you're in a high

38:36

profile position. So there you go.

38:39

I will say fuck all. I wish he would, but

38:41

he doesn't take a condition on fucking anything. You know

38:43

what Sean's big

38:45

cause is, you know what? He made a big position

38:47

last year. He said that a G five 50 was

38:49

way better than a few five. Yeah, that was you.

38:51

Right. That was you. That was no, I think that

38:54

was a good sword to fall in. Sean, that was

38:56

brave. We'll

39:00

be right back. Smart

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40:32

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43:49

back to the show. Was

43:52

your, is your cousin Chuck Schumer helpful

43:57

in sort of your son Chuck Schumer? No.

44:02

The great Senator Chuck Schumer, my baby boy. I've

44:06

got to Google you right now. Is he helpful

44:08

at all in sort of navigating

44:11

that place of like, you know, you

44:13

can care what people think but it's

44:15

okay to bake in the

44:17

fact that some people are not going to

44:19

like what you think and that shouldn't prevent

44:22

you from, you know, in his case enacting

44:24

legislation that serves, you know, a

44:27

lot more than some and. We've never talked

44:29

about it actually. He very much

44:31

is with me like, how

44:34

like, you know, calls on like Jean's

44:36

birthday and whatever we have like talked

44:38

about, you know, things over the years

44:40

but we've never talked about

44:42

the hate that comes with it. I think

44:45

the way he feels, I'm just projecting is how

44:47

I feel where it feels like more of an

44:49

opportunity to

44:51

like help than like, you know,

44:53

the responsibility to use my

44:56

voice. Yeah, utilizing the platform.

44:58

It is like, I would be so

45:00

tempted. It's like, well, you're, you

45:02

know, buddies of Shanahan, you know, runs the Toronto

45:04

Maple Leafs. I don't know how you're

45:07

able to avoid calling him every day with an

45:09

idea for a new player. Like I would be

45:11

calling Senator Chuck Schumer every day with an idea

45:13

for how we can make this world better. You

45:15

know, they'd be dumb ideas because I'm not bright

45:17

but I would just like, I got a, I

45:20

got a, I got a bat line to somebody

45:22

who's. I tell him about the Maple Leafs actually.

45:24

I call him. That's the advice

45:26

I give him. You just, oh

45:28

my God, I can't even stand up.

45:30

I can't stand up right now. Did

45:32

you just ejaculate without an erection? Is

45:35

it apparent? Wait, is it true

45:38

that his name is Chuck? It was never Charles.

45:40

He was born, it's just Chuck. No, his name

45:42

is Charles. Okay. Well, I'm gonna cross

45:44

that out. His name is Charles. What websites are you

45:46

on? Yeah, wait a minute. Did you just. Well, during

45:48

the pandemic, I, fuck, sorry guys. Oh

45:50

wow. He used to play stick ball

45:53

with my dad. He's just like a sweet

45:55

like a Brooklyn dude. Is

45:57

that true? Yeah. So what is that? is

46:01

your whole family very sort of

46:03

involved? I mean, obviously he's, but is

46:05

your whole family very much involved in,

46:07

I don't know, in, or

46:09

have they always been involved in politics or was he

46:11

an outlier? Yeah. He's the only one.

46:14

Um, my family, uh,

46:17

but it's cool. I did that show finding your roots.

46:19

Did you guys ever do that? I haven't yet.

46:21

Um, who do you think you

46:23

are? Which is, I, uh, I

46:26

found out my family, like, you know, when they came,

46:28

um, they

46:30

were like early, um, garment

46:33

workers on the Lower East side and like

46:35

reforming workers, you know, unions and that kind

46:37

of stuff. So that, you know, they were

46:39

like in that way political, but, um,

46:42

but no, nobody, nobody else is like, you know,

46:44

sort of in, uh, in office.

46:46

Um, How far back did, did your,

46:48

did your, did your, did your, Yeah. Where did it

46:51

go? To go? What did they, it went 1500s. Um,

46:54

I guess that's

46:56

not, is that that line? I mean, for

46:58

your Europe, they're like, Oh great. Um, but

47:00

you know, for us, it's like,

47:02

wow. Anything super interesting or, or

47:04

stuff you didn't want to hear? Where were they?

47:06

Like, where, where did they go back to? Uh,

47:09

we were in what would now

47:12

be considered Ukraine. Um,

47:15

business is the town for the, uh,

47:17

Jewish side. And then, uh, the other

47:19

side was London. Um, came

47:23

over, settled pretty early in Massachusetts. My,

47:26

that side of my family back

47:28

then they were, um, a couple of them

47:30

were stolen and brought

47:33

into slavery with these,

47:36

this sounds like so problematic, but this

47:38

is really what happened. They were stolen and

47:40

brought into slavery up in

47:42

Canada for a couple of these different

47:44

tribes. And

47:47

yeah. And, uh, yeah, no,

47:49

this is really true. Um,

47:54

and then, and my, so

47:56

like 30 years later, they, like my,

47:58

my family made enough. to go and

48:00

try and rescue them. And

48:02

when they got up there, this is

48:04

so, I'm serious, they were- They were fucking crazy.

48:06

When they got up there to rescue his two

48:09

brothers and his sister who'd been stolen and sold

48:11

into slavery, they

48:14

were running the tribe. They

48:18

didn't wanna leave because now they were in charge of

48:20

the tribe. They became Colonel Kurtz. Yeah.

48:23

Yeah. So that's kind of wild.

48:25

That's, that is

48:28

fucking crazy. No way. Wow.

48:32

Did they stay in Canada running the

48:34

tribe or whatever? Yeah. And I reached

48:36

after that show and I reached out and

48:39

I'm in touch with, you know,

48:41

some distant cousins now. Oh,

48:43

that's wild. Because of that show. Yeah. And then

48:45

I do have- You're like, fucking never call here

48:47

again, eh? Fucking A. We're

48:50

good. I mean, seriously, like, wasn't

48:53

that Danny McBride's thing in some movie? Like, that's

48:55

really what happened with my family, which, you know,

48:57

I do come from a long line of

49:00

people who are, you know, fighters and, you know, just, you

49:02

know, my, I have like for Holocaust survivors

49:04

in my family. So.

49:07

Wow. Unbelievable. Sean, what about your family?

49:09

What you wanted to find out. When I

49:11

did mine, I did, Lisa Kudrow produces

49:13

a show called Who Do You Think You Are? And so I did it and

49:15

I, it was, you know, I

49:17

had to go to Ireland and learn about all

49:20

my Irish ancestors and for the most part, they

49:22

were all drunk, disorderly and in jail. Really? Yeah.

49:25

It was pretty wild. Wait, so you're saying your whole family, they were all, they

49:27

were all in jail and they were all what? Like

49:30

drunk and disorderly and got arrested. They were drinking

49:32

in Ireland. Yeah.

49:35

That's fun. Did you get to read any of the

49:37

charges? Like was it where there are specific charges in the paper?

49:40

One on the paper and like the eight, like middle 1800s

49:42

or late 1800s. And there's

49:45

a little article in the paper that he

49:47

had some, my great, great grandfather, grandfather,

49:49

great, great, great grandfather. I

49:51

don't remember. Had some like sarcastic quip to the courtroom.

49:54

Like I don't remember what it was, but it was funny.

49:57

Oh, and you know what I wanted to say? Yeah.

50:00

Just to piggyback off that, my great-grandma,

50:07

she just died a couple

50:09

years ago. She was a bootlegger and her liquor

50:12

store is still on 54th Street, Schumer's Liquors. No

50:15

way, no freaking way. Yeah, yeah. It's

50:17

been a while. But I mean,

50:19

it's crazy. She sold, Tennessee Williams

50:22

was a regular customer. I

50:26

hate to do this, but I love to do this too.

50:28

Do you have any funny theater stories from Meteor Shower? Anything

50:31

that went wrong or just like, oh my God, one

50:33

night, this horrible thing. Okay, this lets you

50:35

know about my behavior a little bit. You

50:38

know, they film one of the nights of the

50:40

Broadway show for the performing arts library

50:43

up in Lincoln Center. Yes, and so the

50:45

night they were filming us, I

50:49

had like a monologue in the

50:51

middle of the show and someone

50:53

in the front row took out

50:56

as they sell in the most Broadway shows,

50:58

Peanut M&Ms. And they're

51:01

sitting five feet away

51:03

from me and they open

51:05

up the M&Ms and they start

51:07

eating them. And I'm trying to get through my mind. You know,

51:09

you're like saying the words, and then

51:11

finally I just looked at them and I

51:13

was like, Peanut M&Ms, like right now.

51:17

Wow. Did

51:22

they just freeze chewing? It

51:24

was this young guy and he gave me a look like, like

51:27

you're right. You know, like this

51:29

wasn't a good timing. We just carried

51:31

on. It wasn't a very serious play. Yeah, that's

51:33

really funny. I had the same thing, Amy.

51:36

I was doing a one man show called

51:38

An Act of God where I was playing

51:40

God, long story. But anyway, in the front

51:42

row, swear to God, same thing.

51:44

Peanut M&Ms? Yep. And I

51:46

looked at him because in my head I was like, I

51:48

can't keep going. I have to watch this guy. So I

51:50

just said, you know, I stopped and I looked at him.

51:52

I said, you know, this isn't a movie. This

51:56

is a live show. the

52:00

fourth wall that is not there. Well seeing

52:02

Prayer for the French Republic it's like it was

52:04

amazing play and yeah and you know a lot of

52:06

them a lot of the audience

52:09

for Broadway shows are you know 90

52:11

and above and you can hear

52:14

the play but you can also hear it through the hearing

52:16

aids. Right. They go

52:18

it's not working you know so

52:21

Broadway. What about hosting

52:24

the Oscars anything that

52:27

we didn't see that went

52:29

no good. I think you saw

52:32

it I think you saw the sort

52:34

of headline on that night. Well

52:36

I apologize I I'm

52:38

not remembering anything specific.

52:40

Are you referencing something?

52:42

Oh okay there was there

52:44

was like a little bit of a

52:46

disagreement between have you know have you

52:48

heard of Will Smith? Oh yes

52:51

yes okay he's an actor and yeah

52:53

yeah and so he had he got

52:55

into like a little thing with another

52:57

comedian I can't remember. Yeah I remember

52:59

us all being really knocked out

53:01

by that no pun intended. Yeah

53:04

yeah can I just say I

53:06

this is kind of out there but I'm just gonna

53:08

say it I was surprised. Yeah

53:10

I think everyone

53:12

except one was. I can't believe you went out on

53:14

that limb. No I don't want to be like you

53:16

know this will be the poll quote but I was taken

53:18

aback. Dude you in

53:22

your controversial positions that never stops. I'll say

53:24

it. Was it was it a fun experience

53:27

aside from that or was the whole thing

53:29

just kind of drowned out by it. No

53:31

totally fun. It was totally fun it was like

53:33

I just wanted to do it

53:35

you know like and and

53:38

doing it with Regina and Wanda

53:40

was so fun like I'd love

53:42

preparing jokes when somebody else is gonna host something I

53:44

love helping them with jokes and

53:46

me putting on a show you know it felt like we were

53:48

putting on a show and it

53:51

was so fun and I got to fly I was like I

53:53

want to go up on flies and I did like a very

53:56

stupid thing but you know I feel like we did

53:58

a really good job on Like I think if

54:01

that hadn't happened, thanks. I think you

54:04

know, I think a takeaway would have

54:06

been that that we did a good job Yeah,

54:09

I hope they do that again, you know, so I

54:11

don't have they done three before No,

54:15

but don't think so right? Yeah, but you

54:17

know when it's women they paid us

54:19

all together the same as one man No,

54:21

no, I'm just kidding No,

54:25

I don't but what do you get for us in that like who knows

54:27

you're gonna have to tell us You

54:31

should do it again. Would you you would never do that? I

54:35

don't know. I don't I mean like

54:37

earlier we were saying I just don't know if

54:39

I would be able to survive that I

54:42

I'm just not great in front of a

54:44

live audience being myself really don't

54:46

you guys do this? Oh in front of live

54:48

audiences. No, this is just no We

54:51

have no you have we have all right

54:53

that yeah, well wasn't comfortable I mean I

54:55

had a good time, but that's very nerve-wracking

54:58

for ya Well, and when you asked

55:00

me to do the show I the timing just didn't

55:02

work out with the road But I was so honored

55:04

you guys are all the funniest people ever because

55:06

everyone I know loved it No, they all love

55:09

the show. I know nobody likes compliments, but I

55:11

love the show. They love the I saw

55:13

you at our mutual friend Jane's house. Yes

55:16

and sweet Jane Buffett and and

55:20

I We

55:22

talked about it, and then I inquired and then it

55:24

didn't work out timing wise and then I see you

55:26

pop up today And it's taken me

55:28

most of this show to recover Yeah, I'm

55:30

that it's the equivalent of being slapped in

55:32

the face with an empty glove Yeah

55:38

Yeah You know I

55:40

mean and I always I know I have

55:42

very sort of old-fashioned You know

55:44

images, but but anyway, I'm now over And

55:47

I'm just glad you're here very royal metaphor.

55:49

I am I'm one very good. You didn't

55:52

ask me about my My

55:54

lineage, and I didn't want to do it cuz I don't want

55:56

to sit here, and I can make everybody feel bad Oh my

55:58

god. Are you okay? No,

56:01

what's going on? Are you descended

56:03

from somebody? Maybe. Wow.

56:06

Yeah. Wayne Gretzky. All

56:08

the accomplishments. I wish. All

56:11

the accomplishments you've had and everything that you've

56:14

succeeded in all of these years, is

56:17

there something you haven't? Is there something you'd

56:19

like to bury right now from your high

56:21

position? My uterus. Oh, for fuck's sake.

56:23

Sorry, I'm having fun. I swear

56:26

to you that it never offended me for

56:28

one second, but the idea that you think

56:31

that maybe it offended me is like, you know,

56:33

it makes me feel good. Well, I don't, you know,

56:36

we play around, but you never ever really

56:38

want to actually hurt anybody's feelings. I can

56:40

really barely manage having one,

56:43

and I cannot imagine if it had worked

56:45

out to have another one. And I don't miss

56:47

my uterus, and I still have my ovaries, so I'm not

56:49

in menopause. Okay. Yeah.

56:51

Well, hang on. There go my next five.

56:58

I'm tapped out. I'm tapped out. Speaking

57:00

of tapped out, we are past the one

57:02

hour mark, and that's our commitment to you,

57:04

our guest. You only have to give us

57:07

an hour, and we love you and already

57:09

miss you. Amy.

57:12

Yes. Am I canceled? Am I canceled after

57:14

this podcast? No. Again. Did

57:17

you get canceled once before? I've

57:19

been canceled many times. Really? Of

57:22

course. You've said, you've said some controversial things. I don't even

57:24

think it was the first time we met Amy. Do you

57:26

remember the very first time?

57:29

Yeah. Was it a James is

57:31

where we're feeling good. Oh no. We

57:33

met at a Kimmel's. No. And

57:35

that's why I'm asking this because we'd met before and

57:37

at Kimmel's. This is why I'm

57:39

burning you. Could you burn me back then?

57:42

We had met before and I, and you and I were

57:44

talking to Kona and I said, Hey, blah, blah, blah. And

57:47

you go, we fucking met like six months ago. And I

57:49

go, sorry. What a man.

57:51

I hate when people do that. And

57:53

now you think that that was the

57:55

first time I did not know. Did

57:58

I really do that? people.

58:00

You weren't shitty. You weren't shitty. You were

58:02

laughing. We were laughing, but you and I

58:04

met first time we met at, was it

58:06

Kimmels? I think it was Kimmels. Yeah. It

58:08

was that same time. It was that same

58:10

time. Amy, do you remember the first time

58:13

we met today? It was today on this

58:15

pod. Okay. I know, I know we're wrapping up,

58:17

but really can you just tell me, I don't, I

58:19

really think, Oh no, we laugh. I don't

58:21

re now. We both don't remember the, the,

58:23

maybe I was just messing with you. Maybe

58:25

you were. It's okay. The first, first time,

58:27

first time Will and I met, I

58:29

don't remember. I told them one

58:31

day after I'd stopped drinking for awhile or

58:34

no, it was, it was after you would

58:36

stop drinking. Will stopped drinking before me. And

58:38

I think I said something to him until

58:40

like, boy, our timing's terrible. I would have

58:42

loved to get slammed with you. You know,

58:44

it would be great if we'd party together.

58:46

And he said, Oh no, we have, we've

58:49

been, we had, we had like eight year, five,

58:53

six, seven, eight years before we had gone

58:55

out one night. And I went ahead and

58:57

got a little over served. Oh my gosh.

59:00

Oh, you know who I, I have to

59:02

say this before I forget is that I

59:04

work with someone that you both work with.

59:07

Oh, do you remember

59:09

a Michael Sarah? That's right. And we, and

59:11

that's, and we have our second season of

59:14

our TV show life and Beth on Hulu.

59:16

Yes. And people should, on Hulu with

59:18

Michael Sarah that you can watch right

59:20

now. Just go to Hulu and

59:23

watch it and watch it. Like what's your problem

59:25

that you're not watching it? Michael Sarah.

59:27

Let's do a watch party. A little lover.

59:30

He's a lover. Amy Schumer.

59:33

So funny. So talented. You're the

59:35

greatest. Yeah. You're great. And your

59:37

handsome house back there. Yeah. I

59:41

just want to show you the stuffed animal before

59:43

it's over. Okay. I want to see them on

59:46

to toys. This is my real stuffed animal.

59:48

This is my real stuffed animal. Oh

59:51

my God. Oh, listener. This is a, this

59:53

is a, like a stuffed panda bear that

59:55

looks like it got dragged behind a pickup

59:57

truck. That

1:00:00

is the same here. It's not even a pain. It's like it's

1:00:02

not a joke. Like this is my actual stuffed

1:00:04

animal from growing up. Does it look

1:00:06

like that? Because you, when you're angry, that's

1:00:08

where you take it out. Did your parents

1:00:10

hate you? This was

1:00:13

my mom's when she was a little girl.

1:00:15

Yeah. And did

1:00:17

she have claws? It's

1:00:19

like a hundred years. Like filled with straw. I

1:00:21

don't know. All my stuffed animals. I liked like

1:00:23

old antique stuff. I don't know. It's something like

1:00:26

show me on the doll where he touched you. It's

1:00:28

like everywhere. Feathers

1:00:32

everywhere. Amy

1:00:36

love you. Love you. Love you. And

1:00:38

you soon. I think I hope the

1:00:40

one, the

1:00:43

only, okay. All right. And

1:00:45

also go on blue apron

1:00:47

and get an apron. Right.

1:00:50

Wait, no, that's not what they, that's not what they

1:00:52

sell. If you want

1:00:54

an apron, make it blue. Get

1:00:57

those little one strap it on

1:00:59

and cook. Don't strap anything on.

1:01:01

Nobody's know it. All right. Bye.

1:01:05

Bye. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That's

1:01:09

Amy Schumer. Everybody. That's Amy Schumer. Everybody. Wow. I've

1:01:11

always, I've always wanted to meet her in there.

1:01:13

She's the greatest. I mean, sit down and start

1:01:16

talking to her like you've known her for 45

1:01:18

years. Yeah. Yeah. I've always been a

1:01:20

fan of hers ever since she came on. She, you know,

1:01:22

I remember her first time I think I saw her was

1:01:24

on Ellen and uh, the Ellen

1:01:27

DeGeneres show and she, she just

1:01:29

was naturally funny would tell story

1:01:31

and everybody was dying laughing. Like who is

1:01:33

this girl? How does she have the conference?

1:01:35

She's really smart. She's smart and confident. Kind

1:01:37

of say whatever she thinks and feels. And

1:01:40

you know, there was, there was a, um,

1:01:42

uh, this is known, this is public. She,

1:01:44

there was, she was going to be Barbie.

1:01:46

There was going to be a version, uh,

1:01:48

that they were going to Barbie movie with

1:01:50

her. And I was

1:01:52

just so excited about that. I mean, obviously the,

1:01:54

the Marco Robbie one is incredible and, and you

1:01:56

know, congratulations to all the success on that, but

1:01:59

I'm, I'm I will always

1:02:01

be curious here

1:02:03

what her version would have been. Yeah. Just

1:02:06

her sensibility and her approach and the

1:02:08

irony of playing that sort of iconic,

1:02:11

you know, glam part would have

1:02:13

been pretty cool and smart. I'll

1:02:16

bet. Yeah. Anyway. Well,

1:02:18

never say never, never say

1:02:20

never. Right. I'm sure there'll probably be at

1:02:23

least two or three more Barbies, you know,

1:02:25

for sure. She get in there. She should

1:02:27

be one of the Barbie. Yeah. What, what,

1:02:29

what any parts that you guys

1:02:31

decided not to do that other people did it that

1:02:33

you're like, Oh, I could have done that. Or the

1:02:35

people might not know that you passed

1:02:37

up. Yeah. I mean

1:02:39

the famous one that you guys know that always bring

1:02:42

up, which is, you know, it's

1:02:44

not that big of a role, but it

1:02:46

was Madagascar at the giraffe in Madagascar. You

1:02:48

were going to do an iconic role. I

1:02:50

know that who ended up, who

1:02:53

ended up doing that voice? David, which did a

1:02:55

wonderful job of playing that. Did you just not

1:02:57

see a way into that character? No,

1:03:00

it was, I don't know why I was

1:03:02

actually advised to pass because it was, they

1:03:04

didn't have a script or anything. Who was

1:03:06

out? My manager at the

1:03:08

time was like, don't do it. I was like,

1:03:11

really? Okay. So I didn't do

1:03:13

it. And then they made like five of them or something.

1:03:15

Yeah. Well, did you see so much

1:03:17

money from that? Well, it would have been fun. Did

1:03:20

your agent? You would have so much money. Okay.

1:03:22

Yeah. Did your agent pass on it for you?

1:03:24

Or did you call the director personally and just

1:03:26

say, yeah, you know what? Smart

1:03:46

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1:03:49

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1:04:19

In the 1980s, Frank Faryon was

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