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Welcome back to Reddit Stories.

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Today we've got some really

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embarrassing ones. And joining me are

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two huge embarrassments. Trevor

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and Angela. Oh, man.

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Yeah. Wow. Starting off there. How

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does that feel? Um, I'm not embarrassed at

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all. I've never felt embarrassed. And nothing you do

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will make me embarrassed. Yeah, same

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dude totally. Check out my thumbnail game.

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I can't be embarrassed for shit. It's

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actually, what does embarrass you guys?

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Because we do such, frankly,

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embarrassing things on this channel that

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I feel like at times I don't know if I

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can be embarrassed anymore. Yeah, I think

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like trying to walk

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and genuinely falling in front of people

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is pretty embarrassing. That's true. Yeah, a slight

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trip. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like... It just

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sucks. Yeah, no, that's it. I think that's

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pretty much the one thing. It's too vulnerable.

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Yeah. A little trip up the stairs.

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Oh, my God. Someone's coming down or something on

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the other side and you just trip a little bit. That sucks. Yeah.

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That sucks. Yeah. All right, well, let's get into

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some really... Let's freaking kill it, Trev!

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Yeah, let's go! We know you don't

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keep points, but this one's gonna get a lot of points.

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Okay. All right. And

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dynamic freaking duo. Okay, first

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embarrassing story. This comes from

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Today I Fucked Up. Today I fucked up by making

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a girl I like laugh so hard she ended up

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in the hospital and I almost lost my job. Wow.

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Yeah. What a title. This

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story's about me. Sick, dude. It's awesome.

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Fucking embarrassed nose. Fucking start there. It's just embarrassing to

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hold. Just not laugh at anything you say. So

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there's this girl I like at work and we're

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really good friends. We're having lunch and we're making

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those ironic depression meme jokes as most friends do.

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You know, as all friends do. Yeah. Yeah,

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I fucking hate myself. For some reason,

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I, in my unknowingly stupid way to get

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her to laugh, got the idea to say,

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well, hey, you know, it's just one letter

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away from sad. DAB

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and promptly did the deed. Also

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I have the ability to cry on demand

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so I just stared stone cold at her

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and let two tears fall down. She

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finds it funny extremely funny so funny

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she drops to the floor and starts laughing

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her ass off. After a good 30 seconds

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she starts grabbing her chest and coughing. I

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asked if she was okay when she starts

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wheezing and begins to convulse a bit.

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Freaking the fuck out and thinking she's having

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a damn seizure I start to reach for

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my phone and in the exact second my

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manager randomly decides to come in and sees

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this big guy towering over this poor little

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girl on the floor. I only managed to

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cut off her impending rage by saying I

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think she's having a seizure and I'm calling

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911. Fortunately I was able to explain to

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her what happened after the ambulance came. Turns

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out she has asthma and my joke caused

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a flare-up and was waving her arms

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to try to tell me to get her inhaler. Whoops.

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He ends the story with whoops. Yeah.

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Whoopsie. Oh. That's not even

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embarrassing. Imagine being that funny.

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I know. I mean that

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much game dude. Yeah but

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this first comment one of these comments kind of

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nails what I was thinking okay but

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imagine actually dying laughing at a dab

3:16

joke. Yeah but yeah I'm thinking about the

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joke so he's like what's one letter

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away from his dad is dab he

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dabs then stares at her two tears

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come down. That's actually pretty funny. There's

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a meme that is one of my favorite

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memes from from like back in 2015 where

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a guy's it's a cartoon of him

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dabbing and then it cuts to a close-up of his

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face and he's just sobbing crying underneath it. Yeah.

3:39

Makes me laugh so hard. I guess like

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it's it adds to the joke that it's

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it's not one letter off you

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know like that's two letters off but

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it's like such a long time. This is that

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or I guess if you swap the D but

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dude when you said it and you said one

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letter off I went through the thought process

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finally I was like is that one letter

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off and I reached the conclusion that it

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was Technically

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one letter off, but you have to swap

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letters. It's a lot of work to do

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mentally I got no I just was like

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yeah dabbins in a D Someone

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said my sister well had to ban a game I

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used to play with her daughter because it made both

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of us laugh so hard. We both had asthma attacks

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shame Whoa,

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that must be really scary like having asthma and

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it like that's actually true. You just can't laugh

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anymore That's really freakin. I don't

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that's awful I have you ever laughed so

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hard that where you like can't breathe Like

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where you're where you where it actually goes from laughter

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to like a little bit of fear. Yeah, I don't

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have asthma So I don't have that. I don't think I

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have fear but I yeah, I one time I one time nearly

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left so hard that I remember like Kind

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of hyperventilating like I was like I thought I

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gotta stop laughing. I mean you're laughing like yeah

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It was bad. It was rough. It was

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forever ago, and it was something it didn't

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even make sense Like I

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can't even I don't know what the joke even was

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but it was something Damien said like it was me

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and above Some friends and Damien was there and and

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it was like one of those were like a couple

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jokes are said and people keep one Upping it in

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the in a great way and then Damien said something

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weird And I just was like I lost it oh,

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and I were just like crying and then like reaching

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a point where I was like I was Trying

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to breathe so I've laughed

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so hard I get the hiccups and I hate

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that oh that sucks Yeah, I'll get chest

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pain if I laugh well I will literally

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like all start like now get chest pain

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and it's happened. I think quite a bit

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Maybe I'm just easy to impress you laugh

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a lot. I like to laugh Wow um

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boy. There's an update Here

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god she died I

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went back and I said I dabbed again She

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was on the stretcher and I went Hey,

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y'all remember me? Yesterday, I made a post about

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when I almost killed a girl by making them

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laugh so hard it caused an asthma flare up.

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Well, thanks to the incredible support of the Reddit

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community, I got hundreds of private messages urging me

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to go for it. Y'all be crazy, LOL. I

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asked her out, and guess what? After

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promising it most likely would not result in

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another hospital trip, she said yes. We're going

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out this Friday for dinner. I know some

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people warned me about dating people at work,

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but honestly, after what happened, I think I'm

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kinda obligated by the universe to go for

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it. Thanks for giving me the support to

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do it, guys. I was gonna flake out.

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So remember, ladies and gents, if you ever

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have a crush on them, fucking dab on

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them. If it works with the haters, it'll

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work with the lovers. Okay, I don't want

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our people to hear that. Nothing, nothing. You

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know what, I like this guy. Nothing about

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this I thought was embarrassing until that last one. No,

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now I'm embarrassed. This is really sweet

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though. What a mee-cute. I

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know, that's really sweet. No, it

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sounds like she really liked him from the start.

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If she's laughing that hard at jokes he's saying

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and stuff, I mean, I don't know, but that's

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awesome. Before their date, he should know where her

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inhaler is in her bag. Yeah, anytime

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he said, he should warn her when he's about to

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dab. He should keep it in a holster and be

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like, you ready? I got a heater. And then

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if he pulls it out and he dabs while handing it

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to her? Dead on sight.

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Extra move. All right, next

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story. Today I fucked up by

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misinterpreting the CEO's arm gesture in a

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job interview and then locking arms with

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him as if we were best

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friends forever. Oh my

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god. I'm so sorry. That's

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awesome. Do

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they do like a drawing? How

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is it? Is it like an arm hold? I

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think it's like this. And

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he was like, oh, sorry. And then the CEO's

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like, you're now the CFO. That's

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how it works. Maybe his arm was out and he

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was like, oh. And then. And

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then they started skipping. Then they went to

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Oz. Obligatory

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this happened yesterday. The

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memory still makes me cringe and cry. I

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had a job interview with a CEO in

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person despite COVID. I was super nervous as

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usual. This also is in 2021. So, um,

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I was super nervous as usual, maybe even

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more than usual because I really wanted this

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job. I tried to calm myself down,

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but by the time the interview showed up, I could

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literally feel my heartbeat in my throat. He,

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50 ish male, walked down the stairs

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towards me in his nice suit, but

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stopped halfway down. I figured the

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interview would take place upstairs. So I got up to meet

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him. And as I was walking up the stairs towards him,

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he put out, he put his arm out and

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his elbow out and my brain just

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sort of went error. I

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suppose it could have only meant two things.

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It could have meant, please take my arm,

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the lady so I can escort you to

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the room as if we're strolling down the

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promenade together, or please give

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me an elbow bump. Since we can't

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shake hands, which is really

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not an uncommon gesture at all in the Netherlands

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where I guess this takes place. So what did

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I do? Yes, I went

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with option A and I eagerly locked arms

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with this strange man that I'd never met

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before in my life as just saying, yes,

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good, sir. Let's go for that stroll.

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And then we just stood there arm in

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arm, halfway up the stairs, sheepishly

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staring at each other. I wanted

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the earth to swallow me whole. I just

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didn't know what to do next. And I

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don't think he'd fully understood what had happened.

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So neither of us moved when he'd finally

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gathered his senses. He said, uh, I,

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uh, meant to give you an elbow bump

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after which I quickly put as much distance

9:34

between us as I could and mumbled, right,

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right. Yes, that makes much more sense because

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it did. Let's face it. And

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then we had the interview. Oh

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man. I

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really don't want to feel it. So, okay. So he's like, he's

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like, we'll do the interview up here. Yeah. But

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I like she, that he was walking down the stairs

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and she was walking up, right? So it's like a

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this. And she

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swings around. She

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had a beautiful swing. How do

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you like untie when you find out who she

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is? It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. This

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actually does remind me, probably the most like,

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the most occurring embarrassment in my life is

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that I am just horrendous when it comes

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to any sort of handshake greetings. Unless

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it's a standard like, standard

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handshake or like going in for a hug. Any

10:28

other variation, I

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always fuck up. I always fuck it up. Any

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handshake? Any handshake

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like beyond, like that's just

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not the traditional just handshake. You

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know, when I see a friend, and

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whenever their hand is going like this, my

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brain starts to like a million numbers and things.

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It's just like, where is this going to go?

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And I always fuck it up. I

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always fuck it up. I never know

10:56

what combination it's going to be. It always ends

10:58

in a hug. I just often just am like,

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yeah, get it in. Yeah. Because that's all I know.

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You just got to call it out way early. You

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see someone coming in. I always just arms low and I

11:07

go, come on, bring it in. I

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just eliminate the frickin, any chance of

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me fucking up. Oof. Yeah.

11:16

Some comments. If I was the interviewer

11:18

and this happened to me, I'd be so disoriented, I'd

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automatically pass the candidate to the next round. Someone

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said, I broke down crying in an interview once, and

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I still got the job. Interviewers are

11:28

weird sometimes. Yeah. He's

11:31

definitely memorable. Or this person's memorable. Yeah.

11:34

You know, I've never really had

11:36

standard job interviews. I've only had

11:38

auditions. Which a lot

11:40

of funny, embarrassing stuff happens during those too. But

11:43

people do that shit on purpose. Yes, they're like, I need to be,

11:46

because when you get into this industry, you

11:48

hear all those fucking stories. Did you

11:50

ever hear like the Danny DeVito Taxi audition story? No. That

11:53

like, and I just don't know if

11:55

I believe this shit, or I'm like, if it was real, I'm like,

11:57

cool. That happened in the 70s. We're like,

12:00

Danny DeVito when he auditioned for the sitcom Taxi

12:02

where he's playing like the manager of this taxi

12:04

business who's an asshole The

12:06

characters like this monstrous asshole he shurps the audition walks

12:08

into the room and just yells at them about how

12:10

the bad the script is and then slams the door

12:13

behind Them and leaves and then after a couple seconds

12:15

he opens the door back up He's like is that

12:17

what you guys are like looking for and

12:19

they like loved it You know, but now

12:22

you have tons of actors who hear that

12:24

shit and she didn't hear that crazy shit

12:26

Auditions like every cash director I've talked to

12:28

has been like yeah this guy brought a

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fucking gun Oh, it's like the kid though

12:32

the roll the the roll had a gun

12:34

in the scene So they brought a fucking

12:36

either a prop gun or I don't

12:39

know But they do things where they're like

12:41

I got to set myself apart from the

12:43

rest of the crowd. Yeah I gotta do

12:45

something crazy. Yeah, I remember in college They

12:47

were like it was like a musical theater

12:50

class and they were like wear a bright

12:52

leotard They'll remember it if it's weird if

12:54

it's a weird leotard, they'll remember it and

12:56

then I remember like seeing like an audition

12:58

There's just bunch of bunch of girls weird

13:00

shit like weird just to be memorable when

13:02

I was interviewing at mythical I

13:05

got all looking nice, but it was Halloween and so I

13:07

showed up and I had no clue to do I accidentally

13:09

parked in Rhett's parking

13:12

spot and then chase walks up to me

13:14

as I'm like getting out of the car

13:16

I never met anyone there before and he's

13:18

dressed as Eugene Levy from like in Shitt's

13:20

Creek He's in like a nightgown. He's got

13:22

the big old eyebrows and he's like, hey,

13:24

you actually can't park there Like

13:29

I'm so sorry and then Josh and Nicole were

13:31

both dressed as Guy Fieri in the interview Wow Interview

13:35

for a job on Halloween's funny. Yeah,

13:38

it's pretty crazy little update. Oh,

13:41

he got the job That's

13:43

big That's

13:45

so big then that's like a likable

13:48

thing that would happen like in in a movie to your

13:50

main character and you'd be like I'm rooting for this. Oh,

13:52

yeah, that's a main character moment. Yeah. Have you had a

13:54

bad interview or audition or anything? I

13:56

had a zoom

13:59

commercial call back

14:01

where I thought I was on mute

14:03

and I wasn't. I had muted them.

14:08

So even when people in the room tried to

14:10

tell me to be quiet, I couldn't

14:13

hear them. And

14:15

I was on the phone. Cause

14:17

some of these commercial callbacks. Yeah, I'm in this

14:19

fucking stupid commercial call. It

14:21

was a commercial call back and that was like, I

14:24

was like, yeah, I think red wine

14:26

gets me really drunk versus white wine.

14:29

I'm pretty drunk. Cause those

14:31

commercial callbacks specifically, they'll have you wait for

14:34

a long time. And no

14:36

one could be like, Angela, Angela, cause they were muted. So

14:38

then I showed up and they were all like, I had

14:41

a weird face and I was like, what? And

14:44

they were like, we tried so hard. And one of

14:46

the girls texted me and she went, girl, I tried

14:48

so hard to get you to shut up. But

14:50

you kept laughing. Dude,

14:53

that reminds me back

14:56

during like lockdown, we would

14:58

have meetings and stuff at Smosh, over

15:01

Zoom. And as a joke

15:03

one time, I changed my username

15:05

to buttidiot. So when I was

15:07

there, it would say buttidiot. But

15:10

then we didn't use Zoom for a while.

15:12

And then Goldbergs came back and we had

15:14

a single reason over Zoom and I get

15:16

into it with

15:18

like everyone at Goldbergs. And

15:21

then I see that I'm like, oh fuck, my name

15:23

is Butt. Butt

15:29

idiot. I'm so dumb. And

15:31

of course, I was like, nobody called it

15:33

up. And of course, Sam Lerner was like,

15:35

oh, butt idiot. It

15:37

actually helped. I was like, thank God. Someone like

15:39

could make a big joke out of it. But

15:42

it was like, fuck. Butt idiot. And it also

15:44

reminds me, my worst, I'm pretty

15:46

proud of it, but a commercial audition, one

15:48

of my first commercial auditions out here, I

15:50

was still riding that train of like, gotta

15:52

be different. You gotta, this was a commercial

15:55

callback where you're in person and it

15:57

was for Tostitos, the like

15:59

tortilla. of chips and we're

16:01

supposed to be like two gamers right hell yeah

16:04

so we have fake controllers and we're supposed to

16:06

it's me and like another like 15 year old

16:08

we're both like gaming and eating chips and stuff

16:10

and I just am like you know what'll be

16:12

funny I'm gonna just stuff my fucking mouth I

16:16

fucking fill my mouth up to the point and

16:18

then he says some shit like the he like

16:20

we're like improvising legally this game is really fun

16:22

right I go fucking

16:28

and then they take

16:30

the director who was like I think he

16:32

was like British he was just like yeah

16:34

for this second take can you not I

16:37

was like yeah for sure

16:39

man why are people doing this

16:41

shit like why can't they just

16:43

be normal knowing now that I'm

16:45

like commercial auditions they

16:47

don't give a shit about what you say or anything

16:50

you should theoretically walk into a room and

16:52

they should be like yeah that's

16:55

all that's really all you're an object yeah

16:57

that's all that's all okay

17:00

enough about interviews next

17:03

story this one's this

17:05

one's good okay I love this

17:07

title today

17:10

I fucked up by submitting hardcore furry

17:12

erotica instead of my final paper that's

17:14

just like you so I'm

17:16

currently a fourth-year

17:23

computer science student at a pretty respected University

17:25

and was looking to graduate this semester one

17:28

of the classes I was taking was a

17:30

class in modern advancements and trends in the

17:32

field of technology while the class didn't require

17:34

too much heavy lifting it was still it

17:36

was a higher level one and required a

17:38

good amount of work for our

17:40

final our professor had assigned us a 20-page

17:43

research paper into a current or possible future

17:45

technology of our choice within the field I

17:47

did my paper on helium 3 power generation

17:49

I worked my ass off on this paper

17:51

and in the end was super proud of

17:53

it the papers were due last night at

17:55

midnight and I held off on submitting my final draft

17:57

till the end to get it as clean as possible

18:00

This is where I fucked up big time. Let

18:02

me tell you a little about myself. I don't

18:04

work a normal job. I tried it in my

18:06

first year of school and I really didn't like

18:09

it. I've worked internships when they came up, but

18:11

outside of that I really didn't work. This

18:13

and being a student really doesn't mix well though,

18:15

so I had to make money somehow. For

18:18

the past three years, I've gotten by

18:20

on writing hardcore erotica on commission, specifically

18:22

for furries. I would write anything, any

18:25

fetish, any premise, anything. In some parts

18:27

of that community, I became really popular.

18:29

At one point, I was making almost

18:31

$2,500 on Patreon, along with the amounts

18:33

I charged to

18:37

my customers. Am I proud of this? No.

18:40

I have written some really disgusting stuff, but I paid

18:42

the bills and the money was too good to

18:44

pass up. Hell yeah! I told myself the

18:46

minute I got a real job, I was

18:48

cutting and running from this work. Well, this

18:51

brings us to last night. I had not

18:53

gotten any sleep for the past few nights.

18:55

I had multiple projects due that in the

18:57

span of a few days. I was running

18:59

on nothing but coffee and rockstar. I was

19:01

nothing more than a walking corpse and wanted

19:03

to do nothing but sleep. I ended up

19:05

doing my last read over my final paper

19:08

and submitted it before sleeping. However, instead of

19:10

submitting my final paper, I somehow submitted one

19:12

of the commissions I was working on. This

19:14

commission is not light either. It is

19:16

almost 10 pages long and contains a

19:18

variety of things including vore and scat.

19:21

So I went to bed. Questions

19:24

for the final locked and my academic career was

19:26

sentenced to death then and there. When I woke

19:28

up this morning, I checked my grades for my

19:30

other classes before noticing an email from my professor.

19:32

All it said was come to his office after

19:34

class today. I want to fucking

19:37

die right now. I don't know how I'm

19:39

going to explain why instead of my final

19:41

I submitted a hardcore erotic story with a

19:43

wolfman jacking off in a dragon's stomach.

19:46

But yeah, I fucked up big time. Oh

19:49

no. Daddy's home. Like

19:51

a half wolf, half man

19:53

jacking off. It's

19:55

something it's a wolf man lost in

19:57

the weeds here. But he's got his.

20:00

have thumbs. Yeah. No,

20:03

it's a whole fern. This is

20:05

crazy. Oh, gosh.

20:08

First, let's read some comments here. How does

20:10

one go into writing $2,500

20:13

worth of erotica on Patreon asking for a

20:16

friend? Someone else said, tell him

20:18

the truth. All of what you explained. Be sure

20:20

to bring the real document you meant to submit

20:22

and ask him as an adult, not as a

20:24

simpering kid, if he would accept that you fucked

20:26

up and take your actual submission for the class.

20:28

It can't hurt and in fact may be refreshing

20:30

for him to see a student take responsibility for

20:32

their own mistake. Opie said, yeah, thanks for the

20:34

advice, man. I won't lie. I'm a mess, so

20:36

this is actually really nice to hear some good

20:38

advice. Yeah, I mean the reality is

20:40

he has the full actual final and he could just, I'd

20:43

be full on real. I'd be like, dude, I'm

20:46

making, I'm making the

20:48

bucks. I'd be like, welcome to the

20:51

hustle. What

20:53

if, what if the teacher's like, what

20:55

if the teacher's like, I asked for that

20:57

on Patreon. Why don't you send it through this? Why?

21:00

What if the teacher's like, the teacher's a furry. What

21:02

if the teacher's just like a 75 year old

21:05

man and he just fucking dies reading it. It's

21:07

so shocking. He has a heart attack. Something

21:11

crazy happened to my roommate a long time

21:13

ago. She

21:17

ordered a bunch of sex

21:20

toys and we

21:22

lived above an older

21:24

man. Okay. And

21:26

she ordered a bunch of stuff

21:29

and he got the

21:31

package. That's awesome. And opened it

21:33

and he was very old and

21:36

she rocked his world. Like

21:40

he sent us an email and he

21:42

was like, dear tenants, I

21:46

am so sorry. I invaded your

21:48

privacy. Oh,

21:50

bad. And he was like, I don't know

21:52

what this stuff is. It

21:54

is not my business or my responsibility.

21:56

And we printed out the email. It was really funny.

22:00

So sad. But I feel

22:02

like this old, this, I don't know why

22:04

I assume all professors are old. That's not,

22:06

that's a bad stereotype. But I feel like

22:08

this got, this person probably doesn't, this

22:10

is wild. I think it's fair to assume

22:13

that a professor would be older. I feel like

22:15

a lot of them are, but let's see, because

22:17

there is an update. Yeah.

22:20

Well, I just left his office and I

22:22

still want to die. Not as much though. I took

22:24

some advice from here and printed my paper out and

22:26

had it with me. I won't lie, when

22:28

I sat down with him, I was already almost in

22:30

tears from the stress and embarrassment. I guess he picked

22:32

up on that because he tried to be as nice

22:35

as possible and told me to calm down and just

22:37

explain what happened. I ran down pretty

22:39

much everything I said here. While he didn't agree

22:41

with the avenue I was taking to make money,

22:43

he understood why I was doing it. He

22:45

had checked the submissions last night

22:47

after the deadline and my submission

22:49

name stuck out immediately. It was

22:51

along the lines of customer commission

22:53

second draft doc. I've taken

22:55

a classroom from him before and was an A student,

22:58

so he guessed I had submitted the wrong file by

23:00

accident. He told me he read the first page and

23:02

realized it probably wasn't meant for him to read. I

23:04

gave him the copy I brought and he accepted it.

23:06

He told me to email him with the file and

23:09

he would replace the one I had submitted and that

23:11

he would pretend this never happened. He seemed to at

23:13

least have a good sense of humor as he told

23:15

me what I had originally submitted was well written

23:17

at least from what he had read. Like I

23:19

said, I still want to fucking die right now.

23:22

At least he understood that I'm just an idiot

23:24

and not malicious. Thanks, I guess,

23:26

for the advice and helping me through the nervous

23:28

breakdown. Okay,

23:30

it worked out. Yeah, I mean it's

23:32

fine. Imagine

23:34

he's like, I read the whole thing front to back, great work. He's

23:37

like, that was awesome. What if he was just like,

23:39

I have notes. Don't

23:42

give me your actual paper. The teacher's sweating is like,

23:44

so you have a, you write these

23:46

all the time? Could I? Where would

23:48

anyone find the page? Crazy,

23:51

how much do you charge for more of

23:53

these? He's like, let's

23:55

talk about the literary breakdown of act

23:57

two. what

24:01

happens in the next part of the story?

24:03

Who is the dragon? Who's the dragon? What

24:05

is the dragon's purpose here? That's awesome. Oh,

24:09

that worked out. It's nice to read something that works

24:11

out. Yeah. Yeah, and I guess

24:13

like the teachers said like, oh, I don't fully agree

24:15

with it, but whatever, like you're doing your thing. Like,

24:18

I feel like with how expensive school

24:20

is, if I was a teacher, I'd be

24:23

like, I get it. Like you're making money off of it? Whatever. You're

24:25

creating art? You're writing for

24:27

money? Hell yeah, dude. Rock

24:30

on. Here we go, next one. Today

24:32

I fucked up when I saw my ex. Yeah.

24:35

Classic kid. Classic. This

24:39

is more of a personal embarrassment. I

24:41

ran into an ex today, and I don't mean

24:43

recent. I mean like decades ago. Haven't

24:45

seen this person since our breakup back when we were

24:47

really young. At the time, it was

24:49

my first love, and I didn't handle the breakup

24:51

well. I didn't do anything super crazy like boiled

24:53

bunnies. What the fuck? Can

24:56

we get a Google on that? Oh,

25:01

is it from Fatal Attraction? Okay, okay, okay. Just

25:04

called and left tearful messages on the answering

25:06

machine. Obviously I've moved on, been married, had

25:08

kids, but there's a place that your first

25:11

love will always hold. Apparently, I was

25:13

not their special first love. First of

25:15

all, I was at a place where I had gone

25:17

with that ex at the time. It's a popular place

25:19

that I've been to before and since, but for some

25:21

reason, I remembered today the time we carved our initials

25:23

in a tree. I didn't even look

25:25

at the tree, just remembered it for a second. You

25:28

know, it must have been that phenomenon where you randomly

25:30

think of someone before you see them, because a few

25:32

minutes later, there they were. Being the idiot

25:34

I am, I thought it would be a

25:36

friendly run-in. Like, hey, long time, no

25:38

see. First, they didn't know who

25:41

I was until I said my name. Then for

25:43

some stupid reason, I said, I was just thinking

25:45

about you. Crickets, disbelief, me

25:47

backpedaling and saying that we went to

25:49

this place together a lot, and they

25:51

did not remember at all. Oh

25:54

my God, I always thought if I ever saw this

25:56

person again, that I would be cool, not stick my

25:58

foot in my mouth, not sound like a... crazy

26:00

stalker now of course I keep playing it

26:02

on repeat in my mind and cringing every

26:05

oh that's so

26:08

tough so it's really noble kind

26:10

of like it happens to the rest of

26:12

us yeah I once went up to an

26:14

ex and I said nice to meet you

26:22

like nice to see you it's been a while because

26:25

we're new people weird we've grown into the queen's way

26:27

and they cry laughing and die man I have luckily

26:34

never had anything like this ever happened

26:38

I don't really have a ton of X's I remember

26:40

once the first time I ever ran

26:42

into an ex I didn't run into them but I

26:44

saw them at a place like I was still a

26:47

teenager but I saw like an ex from like a

26:49

couple years prior and I remember

26:51

just like I was at Taco

26:53

Bell and then I saw them and

26:55

I remember just like being like oh my god I gotta

26:57

get out of here like I was like it wasn't even

26:59

probably gonna be awkward I was just like I just don't

27:02

know what to do yeah I'll tell you little when you're

27:04

younger you're like media's shown me that X's

27:06

are scary yeah oh man I'm so

27:11

bad about just like seeing anyone that like I

27:13

used to know like I don't know I don't really

27:15

have like many exes but

27:18

I whenever I go home to Idaho like

27:20

it's often that I run into people that like

27:22

I knew in high school or that I recognized

27:24

but I didn't really know and I'm just like

27:26

I just got to put my head down like

27:28

I yeah I don't want to have an awkward

27:31

interaction where like because I'm not good with names

27:33

and sometimes I'm like I don't remember your name

27:35

but you remember my name and I don't know

27:37

what to do so I feel like

27:39

in that situation ever happened yeah I'm just like head down I

27:41

gotta get out of here have you ever

27:43

waved at someone that you know but they

27:46

don't know you I've told

27:48

this story here but I

27:50

once was at a like

27:52

event and I

27:55

saw a guy who I'd seen in like an indie film

27:58

and did you think you knew him I

28:00

thought I knew him. I love when people

28:02

go to celebrities and go, well because

28:04

he's not like, he wasn't like celebrity.

28:07

He was like, did we do a class? And

28:09

so I was just like, oh, I thought, I

28:12

knew him from something and I didn't. And

28:15

so I literally like, and it's the middle of a crowd and

28:17

stuff and I'm walking back and I see him, I just, oh

28:19

dude, it's good to see you. And he's just, and I think

28:22

he was like, it was like, good to see you, like whatever.

28:24

Like we both just, and I walked away, I was like, oh,

28:26

I don't know. I was

28:28

like, fuck. I

28:31

love stories like that when someone goes up to

28:34

someone super famous and they're like, do we

28:36

know each other? But

28:38

honestly, it was at Target two nights ago.

28:40

I saw my friend's husband who I don't

28:43

think I've ever like really officially met or

28:45

hung out with, seen him in passing, but

28:47

I see him on her Instagram story all

28:49

the time. So I saw him and I

28:52

went, oh! I'm

28:55

walking in Target and he went, and

29:00

then I tried to like push it

29:02

away. I was like, oh. I

29:06

was like, he doesn't know me. Nevermind.

29:09

This reminds me of a funny Target story. It's

29:12

like unrelated, but I was at a Target like

29:14

by myself and like I was pretty disheveled. It

29:16

was like a Sunday, like 11 a.m. I

29:19

don't even remember what I was getting, but like there's

29:22

like these three like teenage girls or something and

29:24

like I'd like walked by whatever, like we ended

29:26

up in the same aisle. Anyway, I'm in another aisle

29:28

and one of them comes up. She's like, can

29:30

my friend have a picture with you? I

29:32

was like, oh yeah, totally. And

29:34

so she like walks me down like five

29:37

other aisles to just her two friends standing

29:39

there and they get a picture,

29:41

whatever. It's nice, they're very sweet. And I don't know

29:43

what to say. So I'm just standing

29:45

there like awkwardly looking at him and I just go,

29:48

we'll have fun at Target. I

29:52

had no clue, I don't know how

29:54

to exit the situation. It's very unfortunate

29:56

that I'm such an awkward. person

30:00

strangers and then we do

30:02

this job and I get recognized for this

30:05

job and I'm fucking awkward as hell Yeah,

30:07

it's awful like no, I know I know

30:09

that people recognize us They're like they probably

30:11

are like, oh gosh, I feel awkward or

30:13

I I worry. Yeah, and I'm over here

30:16

like I feel fucking weird Yeah Hey

30:20

enjoy the sights Some

30:26

comments these types of foot-and-mouth moments keep us

30:28

tortured forever You'll find yourself making

30:30

audible sounds to drown the mental embarrassment Someone

30:33

else said now, you know what conversation will keep you

30:35

awake at night, but worry not you'll come up with

30:37

the most Ingenious replies in your

30:39

head and win. Hope he said oh my

30:42

imaginary conversation was riveting I was at ease

30:44

and funny and left them thinking I was

30:46

the coolest person they ever knew See, yeah,

30:49

I Man, yeah, if I see someone

30:51

from my past who like I haven't talked

30:53

to in a long time a part

30:56

of me I think I always assume they're not gonna

30:58

remember me Yeah, and then but it's also like it

31:00

depends on where you are because yeah Target or especially

31:02

like a grocery store Yeah, I just

31:05

wish you could just be like hey. Yeah, we remember It's

31:08

crazy how nerves Like

31:11

stop us from like breathing and I don't know

31:13

something your brain just shuts down a little bit

31:15

and you're like wait I'm like fully

31:18

a capable person. I'm like I'm an adult I

31:20

can do things like why am I acting like

31:22

a child be like Sorry,

31:24

nice to meet you like Like

31:27

it's so weird. Yeah, I think it's

31:29

I think it's just cuz it catches me off guard

31:31

Yeah, I was I wasn't mentally prepared.

31:34

I'm like Batman. I need prep time I

31:37

think I'm up time for a social interaction.

31:39

I'm prepping for my 22nd interaction Grocery

31:42

store like checkout line like I'm

31:44

pro for that. I'm like online I

31:47

don't get nervous like throw us

31:49

up on stage to do improv and for the other people.

31:51

I'm like yeah, okay Let's do it, but if I have

31:53

to go to the bank and talk to

31:56

the teller I'm like they're gonna think I'm robbing this

31:58

place. I'm so convinced to

32:00

make the wrong move and they're gonna be like. You're walking up with

32:02

your hand like this in your jacket. I'd like

32:04

to make a withdrawal. I'd like to make

32:06

a withdrawal. I'm just nervous. Sorry, I'm just

32:08

nervous, so I'm holding my gun. You're gonna

32:11

size the picture up. That

32:13

is so true though. I can do anything here

32:15

with anyone watching me and I won't be nervous.

32:17

But if I go into like a girly clothing

32:19

store and she's like, hey, a girly what size

32:21

you want that in? I'm like, I

32:24

don't know. Yeah. Oh

32:26

my God, yeah, you put me in an Urban Outfitters, it's

32:28

over. I'm just sitting there like, can

32:32

I get a, I'd like to try this on. They go, how

32:34

many for the dressing room? I'm like, I can't count. This

32:39

last thing I'll say, are you guys like me where you'll

32:42

be at a store, you desperately need help.

32:45

And someone comes up and they're like, do you need any help? And

32:47

I go, no, I'm good. I

32:50

desperately need help. I am looking for something and I

32:52

cannot find it. I'm about to leave and my whole

32:54

day is wasted because I was looking for this thing

32:56

and I couldn't find it. And someone

32:59

offers to find it for me. I go,

33:01

ah, no, you

33:03

made eye contact with a person like three

33:05

times, awkwardly looking around. They finally come up

33:07

and you're like, I got it, I fucking

33:09

got it. And then you end up doing a whole

33:12

circle ending up back there. Be like, you're gonna find

33:14

it this time. Have you guys ever been

33:16

asked, like, excuse me. And you're like, don't work

33:18

here. That's happened to me a

33:20

couple of times. I've worn red at a Target, you can't

33:22

do it. Because people come

33:24

up to you with that. That's

33:26

so fucking funny. We

33:29

should do a video where we all go to Target

33:31

wearing red and we see who gets asked for help

33:33

the most. Who gets

33:35

asked? I just try to keep looking at it. It

33:38

would 100% be you. I

33:40

feel like, 100%. Am I the most Target employee? Yeah, I'd

33:42

be like, where are the Blu-rays? Fuck.

33:45

Where are the Blu-rays? Oh, I do look like I

33:47

work in the electronics sector. Like,

33:50

yeah, I can ring you up here. Do I

33:52

need a, yo buddy, do I need a dongle

33:54

for this? All right, next

33:56

story. Today I fucked up by

33:58

jumping into a lake in my. bra slash panties

34:00

to save a man that turned out

34:03

to be an elite military scuba diver

34:05

in training. That's

34:07

awesome. Sounds like the beginning of

34:09

a 90s movie. I was gonna say it's

34:11

like the beginning of a rom-com. Yeah. I'm

34:14

couch surfing with my sister and her boyfriend. I

34:16

work for him at the lakeside bar trying

34:18

to pay for college. My state is open and

34:20

while I'm not thrilled I need both the job

34:22

and my scored sofa accommodations to make it

34:24

work. This is from 2020. So to give them

34:29

their space and myself a break from doom

34:31

scrolling I take a run by the lake

34:33

in the mornings. This lake is bomb ass

34:35

and draws scuba divers to the flooded town

34:37

at the bottom. Today I was in my

34:40

own head running when a dark mass floated

34:42

to the surface 40 feet away. I was

34:44

on the craggy side of the lake and this dude

34:46

looked dead. D-E-A-D

34:49

dead. Facing away from me

34:51

his head was tipped back, eyes closed bobbing

34:53

like a fishing lure. No one else was

34:56

around so I thought he was quantum crazy

34:58

out here scuba diving alone at the crackass

35:00

of dawn giving himself the bends or some

35:02

nonsense. Like a jackass I didn't yell at

35:04

him to check in. Instead I towed

35:07

off my shoes and stripped to my skivvies

35:09

to save the imbecile. The movie trailer in

35:11

my head had me taking three glorious steps

35:13

and launching into the deep blue water black

35:15

widow style. Instead my tender feet hit the

35:17

sharp rocks and I contorted under the pain

35:20

like a slinky as I uncoordinatedly pitched

35:22

myself into the water doing a side

35:24

flop. I was also wearing my contacts

35:26

so I swam hard in his in

35:28

his direction with my eyes closed. When

35:30

I opened them he was deadass staring

35:32

at me like I'd lost my ever-loving

35:34

mind so I blurted, are you okay?

35:37

He removed the regulator and incredulously

35:39

said yes. My brain blue

35:42

screened while I tread water. The lake felt

35:44

infinitely deep before I could terrify myself by

35:46

hearing the Jaws theme song. I turned to

35:49

nope the hell out of there yelling over

35:51

my shoulder I thought you needed saving. To

35:53

explain my idiocy

35:55

as I pivoted another dude cleared his

35:58

throat from 30 feet away on

36:00

the other side. I never heard a sound from him, so

36:02

I freaked out, failing and

36:04

belting, and an ear-wounding

36:06

scream at him. Both

36:08

asshats laughed as a few more

36:11

heads surfaced around us. I was

36:13

surrounded by divers, all wildly entertained

36:15

by my ridiculous high-octane fuck-up. After

36:18

pointing to me and the beach, the

36:21

merman that was my original target cautiously

36:23

slammed toward me after I nodded and

36:25

escorted me to the shore. The beach

36:27

was much further than I had anticipated,

36:29

so I was trying to low-key breathe,

36:31

hiding my need to suck all of the

36:33

O2 from the air. Also, the comedy of

36:35

the situation consumed me, and I started to

36:38

giggle. Finally, I joked, dude, you are lucky

36:40

you weren't actually dying because it would have

36:42

taken everything I have to drag your sorry

36:44

ass this far. He chuckled before offering me

36:46

a...toe. Hell no,

36:49

not gonna happen. Even if I had to

36:52

dog-paddle, I wouldn't openly accept that defeat. He

36:54

quietly mocked me the rest of the way

36:56

to the shore. I'm a secret sap for

36:58

it. They were cadets or recent graduates from

37:00

Military College here for the summer. They've been

37:02

training in pools and were doing some open

37:05

water exercises. They had been out there at

37:07

least part of the night. I'm sure I

37:09

blew up whatever drill they were running. He's

37:11

training for pre-dive school, and since I am

37:13

an expert Googler, I'm guessing that means combat

37:16

diving. At the shore, I did my best

37:18

to throw my shoulders back and march out of

37:20

the water in my sports bra and

37:22

undies in front of what I can

37:24

only imagine are some pretty badass men.

37:26

I did invite him and his clandestine

37:28

crew for an absurdly overpriced beer at

37:30

the bar tonight before shame jogging back

37:32

into the woods for my clothes. Wow.

37:38

So, try to save a person. They

37:40

ended up surrounded by a bunch of

37:42

military men. What I love about this

37:44

person is they really used the thesaurus

37:46

for this post. They went back and...

37:48

They said good writing is describing. Yeah,

37:50

they're like, let me use really cute

37:52

stuff for every single sentence. Yeah. Can

37:55

I say something that might be an unpopular opinion? Whoa,

37:57

whoa, whoa, whoa, all right.

37:59

That's... on them the

38:01

guys is there

38:03

any way to be like this is a test she

38:07

was just being a good Samaritan

38:09

she saw someone floating like a

38:12

dead body and she was like

38:14

see something say something well she

38:16

didn't say something she just she swam something she

38:18

just swam something no I respected that I'm like

38:21

no they have like a light or

38:23

like this is a drill that's

38:25

fair yeah like what is

38:27

Gary thing that's true there

38:30

an update did they go to the bar did she

38:32

did she there is an update oh

38:34

let's go huh Reddit sweaters and

38:37

say update so first there's a comment such

38:39

a fun meet cute story I hope they get to

38:41

be happy together sell the movie rights and make a

38:43

ton of money someone else said this is

38:45

hilarious I can just picture you swimming with your eyes closed

38:47

towards them ha ha don't be too embarrassed it probably made

38:49

their morning what do we think is gonna happen do we

38:51

think that this is gonna actually end up in them dating

38:54

or is it just like an embarrassing story I

38:56

think they went to the bar and it was chill and whatever

38:59

yeah probably he

39:01

showed holy shit a little bit ago yes

39:04

I was as dorky as you would have

39:06

imagined and now I'm typing this from the

39:08

bathroom like a dumbass again but I feel

39:10

like you people are on the ride with

39:12

me he's handsome and funny and he smells

39:14

great yes I hugged him I'm southern it's

39:16

what we do not the smelling the hugging

39:18

he's nice and smart and keeps defending me

39:20

from my jackass friends at the bar who

39:22

have almost called him merman to his face

39:24

I think he low-key liked that everyone

39:26

knew who he was but not sure how he'll

39:28

feel about being a reddit celebrity I've learned a

39:30

lot about him but it wouldn't be fair to

39:33

share without his permission his whole crew did not

39:35

come only one and his

39:37

bud immediately started flirting with my co-worker

39:39

that's a good sign I think holy

39:41

shit you'd think I'd never met up

39:43

with a guy before also my friend

39:45

straight up asked him if he saw

39:48

my dragonfly undies that look like penises

39:50

with massive glow-in-the-dark turquoise blue balls only

39:52

she used the reddit version thanks for that nickname

39:55

reddit he's also been

39:57

sharing some of the shit that he's been

39:59

taking today from being saved. He has the

40:01

same self-deprecating sense of humor as me. I

40:03

think we are vibing. So that's all the

40:05

updates for tonight. He's getting the rest of

40:07

my attention. Keep sending me those good vibes

40:10

and peace people. No more

40:12

updates though. No more! No more updates, so I'm

40:14

guessing she, she fumbled the bag after that. Maybe

40:17

they shared a lovely beautiful night together

40:19

and then he went off to go

40:21

swims more somewhere else. Wild!

40:25

That's crazy. Yeah.

40:29

She is crazy, she is fun. She's

40:31

so funny. She was in the bathroom updating us.

40:33

So she didn't give us a third update.

40:35

She wrote that whole update from the

40:37

bathroom. Like that's crazy. That's crazy. That's

40:39

like. How would you feel though, if

40:41

you met up with like a similar

40:43

type of story, just a silly meetup and then you're at

40:45

the bar talking to them and you

40:48

find out that they were like, oh, in the bathroom I

40:50

was just updating the Reddit post about meeting

40:52

you. Dude, I

40:54

don't, I wouldn't like that. I

40:59

would like that. Yeah, I

41:01

don't know how I'd feel. Yeah. It depends

41:03

though, it's a pretty crazy story. So I'd be

41:05

like, I get it. I get it, that's ripe

41:07

Reddit material. Yeah, she comes back and she's like, so what kind of

41:09

diving are you in? I have to tell all these people who are asking. I

41:12

mean, I've told these thousands of people.

41:16

Whoa, that is wild. She's so cool to

41:18

be like, come have drinks

41:20

with me. Also, I wasn't trying to

41:22

save your life. You look dead. And

41:24

then just like, did you see my

41:26

underwear? Also, what were dragonflies that looked

41:28

like a penis? I don't know, a lot

41:30

of stuff there. New

41:33

merch just dropped. If

41:36

you guys saw somebody floating in the water. I

41:38

would definitely be like, they're floating.

41:40

They're floating in their faces above water. I would

41:43

yell something first. I would like try to get

41:45

someone better than me. I'd be like, oh guys.

41:47

No, you're by yourself, you're by yourself. She was

41:49

jogging by herself. If I was by myself, I'd go in. But

41:52

I would yell first if they didn't respond

41:55

then. Dude, I don't know. Maybe I'm a bad,

41:57

I feel like I'd wait for a second. I'd watch. And

42:00

I'd see if they like took him a little bit to

42:02

move and then I'd go be like, I don't know. I'm

42:05

just confused. Didn't she say maybe I'm misremembering. I

42:07

thought she said like he was floating like his

42:09

face was above water. Yeah. And then

42:11

it's like, okay, so he's breathing like his face is

42:13

above water. His face is above water. He's also floating.

42:16

Didn't she say he had a mask on? So

42:18

like, that's why I'm saying it's on

42:20

him. He should have like a little like a little flag.

42:22

It's like, don't worry, I'm alive. Yeah.

42:26

Don't worry. That would suck

42:28

if you actually die. Oh

42:30

God. Don't worry. He has

42:32

the flag. Okay. Next story.

42:35

This is an Am I the asshole post? Yay.

42:39

Am I the asshole for putting my penis in

42:41

peanut butter and leaving it in the kitchen? Okay.

42:46

Never. You're never the asshole for that. Leave

42:49

your truth. Trevor. I'm looking for a

42:52

piece of paper. I'm looking for a

42:54

piece of paper. Leave your truth. Trevor.

42:58

I'm looking for some assistance determining whether I'm the

43:00

asshole in this situation that has divided our house

43:02

into two groups. I,

43:05

a 20 year old male, am a college student living with

43:07

four other guys my age. I could have bet $1,000 it

43:09

was. Yeah.

43:13

I'm a 45 year old man. I'm

43:16

a 20 year old college student. It's

43:18

our second year living together. And last year we

43:20

had an issue with people eating food that isn't

43:22

theirs. So now we have a strict label your stuff

43:24

and only eat things with your name on it

43:26

policy. My girlfriend and I like to get a

43:28

bit frisky in the bedroom. And a few nights ago

43:31

I dipped my penis in peanut butter and she licked

43:33

it off. Yes. I

43:35

understand that it is slightly bizarre, but that's how

43:37

we roll. Didn't need it. I

43:40

fucking called that dude. Oh, I thought

43:42

he, I'm sorry. I completely misunderstood this. I thought

43:44

he just stuck it in there to

43:46

be like label your food. Yeah. I thought

43:48

that's where it was going to. The controversy

43:51

is that since we have a mouse problem,

43:53

I did not want to leave the peanut

43:55

butter in my bedroom. So afterwards I closed

43:57

it and returned it to my kitchen cupboard.

44:00

Note that it had a huge peanut

44:02

butter dilemma label on it, so

44:04

it was clear that it belonged to me. One

44:07

of my roommates told me yesterday, oh by the way, I

44:09

had some of your peanut butter. He

44:11

sees my visibly shocked reaction and asks

44:13

what's up, so ultimately I come clean

44:15

about the whole deal. He's furious and

44:17

says, why the fuck would you put

44:19

it back in the kitchen? I remind

44:21

him of the mouse situation and our

44:23

policy not to have other people's labeled

44:25

foods. This is the first time all

44:27

year that somebody has had my labeled

44:30

food and informed me after the fact.

44:32

He said it was just some peanut butter on his

44:34

bread. It's not like he was taking full chicken breasts

44:36

from me. My house is split three to

44:39

two on who is in the wrong and

44:41

it's spilling over into other aspects of

44:43

our living situation. We need to get

44:45

over this pronto, so I'm asking, am

44:47

I the asshole? No, he's not.

44:49

You don't think he's the asshole? I got to side

44:51

with him on this. If you have a very clear,

44:53

like you got to ask first. If

44:55

you have a no, like having other people's food policy, like

44:57

I get it's just some peanut butter, you're like, hey, can

44:59

I like bar your peanut butter? Is that cool? To

45:02

which you would say, no, I fucked it. Don't

45:04

have any. Hi. I

45:07

am okay. Yes,

45:11

I think you're an asshole for taking someone

45:13

else's food like in that situation, but

45:16

when you've done something that extreme with

45:18

it, it's like, and

45:20

also they're talking about rats. I'm like,

45:22

you seal the jar. It's not going

45:24

to attract rats if it's sealed. I

45:27

don't know. I can't get over it.

45:29

I like that. He's like, but we have

45:31

a rat problem. Okay,

45:33

you fuck. But I'm doing his property.

45:35

It is his property. And look, I've

45:37

had roommates. I never touch people's food.

45:41

I do think condiments get into a weird

45:43

territory for some households. And if they have

45:45

an agreement that they've already established, but a

45:47

problem is a bunch of 20 year old

45:49

dudes. But I think I know

45:51

this in hindsight, but it's just like they're

45:53

going to fucking someone's going to take that food.

45:56

I cannot imagine the moment he told

45:58

him. And then he goes, wait. I

46:00

ate my peanut butter, I put

46:02

my wiener in there. I

46:05

don't know if I would tell him. No,

46:08

I think if I fucked a jar of peanut butter and then

46:10

someone ate it, a friend of mine would

46:16

you be like? I ate it and he told me

46:19

he ate it. I don't think I'd be straight faced

46:21

but I don't think I'd be shocked. I think I'd

46:23

be just like, I

46:25

think I'd be almost laughing. I don't know if I would

46:27

be able to own it. I

46:30

stuck my body in that? That's

46:32

rough. To

46:35

put it back in a common space after

46:38

fucking. But it was label. My thing is

46:40

it was label. But it should be label. I

46:42

think he could have labeled it like peanut butter

46:44

I fucked. My

46:47

penis has been in. Like don't touch. This

46:49

is a sex thing not a penis butter. Penis

46:52

butter. And then put

46:54

it back in. Like just to

46:56

really establish like guys please don't.

46:58

But also don't touch other people's

47:01

food is like a fair. Because

47:03

you don't know what they're doing with you. Because

47:06

honestly anyone whatever you want to do in

47:08

there is fine. It's

47:10

your business. It's great. You bought it. You

47:12

can fuck it. As long as they. Look

47:15

I maintain that like if you buy food from

47:17

the grocery store with your own money you're allowed

47:19

to fuck it. And that's the

47:21

motto of today's episode. If you buy it

47:23

you can fuck it. Don't touch my bag

47:26

of walnuts bro. You don't want to

47:28

know what's going on. I had two friends in middle school

47:30

and I was hanging out with them and one girl

47:32

were at her house and she had this

47:34

like big thing of like Sour Patch Kids. And

47:37

my friend and I who were visiting she was

47:39

eating the Sour Patch Kids and then the girl

47:41

whose house it was she walked in she went

47:43

don't eat those. And we

47:45

found out that my friend likes Sour

47:48

Patch but doesn't like to eat them.

47:50

So she sucks on them. Then

47:52

puts them back in the thing. And sucks

47:54

the sour off. And my friend was just

47:56

going to town. She didn't think it was weird that

47:58

the Sour Patch Kids didn't have a- the sour stuff

48:01

on. How do you not know? It's

48:03

a weird gummy. It's one

48:05

of those situations because yes firmly

48:08

established don't touch other people's food that

48:10

they've bought that's for themselves. But

48:12

I also can judge people for doing shit

48:14

like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think you're

48:16

weird. You're like I hate I hate when

48:19

when people like eat a little

48:21

bit of something and then put it back in

48:23

a bag. I'm like oh gross like I hate

48:25

that. I just my body cringes at that. Yeah.

48:28

Do you think after this the guy

48:30

was like yeah I had some of

48:32

your peanut butter. He's like oh he's

48:34

like and then I ate some of

48:36

your cucumbers. He's like oh I dipped

48:38

some of your cucumber in your peanut

48:40

butter. Is that cool bro? Then I

48:42

had your coconut. No. Dude there was

48:45

this weird watermelon with a hole in

48:47

it. I had a slice. Is that

48:49

all good? No. They

48:51

got to get their rap problem under control. Dude

48:53

I saw this dildo in the bathroom and I

48:55

used it bro. Is that cool? Then

48:58

I had to fix our sink using your flashlight. It

49:02

didn't work though. Also I fucked your girlfriend. I

49:04

fucked your

49:28

peanut butter. You fucked

49:31

my fucked peanut butter? He

49:33

finds out all of his roommates have

49:42

fucked the peanut butter.

49:44

They're like what? Everybody.

49:46

Wait raise your hand if you fucked

49:48

the peanut butter. Dude

49:51

I have to move out. Raise

49:53

your other hand if you fucked

49:55

my girlfriend. Also I fucked your

49:57

girlfriend. I fucked your girlfriend. Oh

50:00

my god. The verdict was everyone

50:03

sucks here. Which

50:05

I think is very fair. Everyone's

50:08

argument holds up though. Like

50:10

it makes sense it's his thing, it makes

50:12

sense the rap problem, everything makes sense. I

50:14

think the peanut butter fucker is a weirdo. I don't think

50:17

he's an asshole. The

50:21

comments, everyone sucks here. I mean you're right. It was

50:24

labeled as yours and he shouldn't have eaten it. But

50:26

sex toys, which is what this peanut butter became

50:28

after you put your dick in it, shouldn't be

50:30

kept in the kitchen around other food. It's

50:33

just unsanitary honestly. That's a good point. That's

50:36

where I think I'm feeling. That's no longer

50:38

food. And

50:41

if you're worried about rats coming into

50:43

your bedroom, just throw the bottle away.

50:45

Someone else said you're the asshole only because

50:47

Jesus Christ man, use a fucking spoon in

50:49

the clean peanut butter and put that on

50:51

your dick. Why did you put it back

50:53

instead of throw it out? Were you planning

50:55

to eat it later? Stick your dick in

50:58

it again? It may have started out

51:00

as food but it became no longer food for the communal

51:02

kitchen when you stuck your dick in it dude. I think

51:04

that's how I feel. Hypothetically

51:06

in this situation, I fuck a jar of peanut

51:08

butter. I feel really bad

51:10

bringing it back and putting it in

51:12

a public space. That

51:15

to me does feel like an invasion. I think that's kind

51:17

of the whole thing of like, but

51:19

when we talk about like any

51:21

sort of like sexual acts or bringing

51:23

your fetishes or anything like and being

51:25

around people, it's like you do need

51:28

your consent. It's a respect thing. It

51:30

just feels disrespectful. It's like putting your

51:32

dildo in your like forks and knives drawer. Yeah.

51:36

I'm having trouble with this salad. Dad!

51:39

Dad! This

51:41

is a weird meat tenderizer. I

51:45

don't have to hammer it. I just fold it over it.

51:49

What a story. Holy shit. Yeah.

51:53

Okay. That's awesome. Next one. Today

51:55

I fucked up by smelling my feet and ending

51:58

up in the ER. Been

52:01

there. Oh.

53:00

Jesus. Oh.

54:00

and dislocated shoulder and my girlfriend

54:02

never letting me live this down.

54:05

Oh my God. So

54:07

he went to smell his feet, fell off their balcony

54:09

25 feet, 25

54:11

smelly feet. That

54:14

was awesome. Hey, nice. That's fucking awesome.

54:17

No, sobbing. Honestly,

54:21

everything was fine until he said he had

54:24

to relieve his tuxis. I know. Once

54:26

again, I think with several of these stories, I'm like,

54:28

the event wasn't embarrassing. It's a sentence that

54:31

you put in the. That's

54:33

what I'm embarrassed. The way you're describing it.

54:35

I don't like feet stuff. That's the thing about me.

54:37

So I'm coming in at this. I just don't like

54:39

it. Just gets me. I

54:41

can't bring myself to believe that there isn't

54:43

a solution. There's got to

54:45

be at least a temporary one. Yes. There

54:49

must be like a fascinating. I

54:51

don't know. Because even isn't there like a condition where

54:53

people like have bad breath? Like

54:55

that makes sense to me because it's like in what

54:57

you know what I mean? But like your skin just

54:59

down there. Feels like it's a shoe

55:01

issue. It'd be a shoe issue.

55:03

Yeah, I don't know. I feel like especially if you

55:06

know, you know, your lady's coming over for a nice

55:08

night on the balcony with your favorite restaurant. Like I'm

55:10

getting some some scented lotion or something. And I'm I'm

55:12

lubing those bad. I'm giving them a wash and yeah,

55:14

like I don't know. Do anything you

55:16

can so that you don't fall off the balcony. I

55:18

can't believe you fell off a balcony and she laughed

55:20

at him. I would. Oh,

55:24

he's like, I have

55:26

like my shoulders broken. My ribs are broken.

55:28

My girlfriend won't let me live it down. Look,

55:31

as soon as as soon as I hear that first

55:33

groan, I'm just like, oh, I'm laughing.

55:35

Yeah, as soon as you know, they're alive. I'm looking

55:38

down in horror. And then as soon as I hear

55:40

that, oh, I'm

55:42

cracking. Jesus. Some

55:46

comments. Did you manage to put your socks and shoes

55:48

back on after your fall? Or should we feel bad

55:50

for the folks who had to smell your feet? Opie

55:53

said, I guess I should send them an apology fruit

55:55

basket, huh? Someone else said, forget about

55:57

your feet. The railing of your apartment gave way and

55:59

nearly. killed you. Was it rusty, uncared for?

56:01

That kind of neglect is just a lawsuit

56:04

waiting to happen. OP said, haven't

56:06

even thought about that. It didn't look rusty or

56:08

anything, but I did put a good amount of

56:10

weight onto it. There's an update.

56:13

After getting a lot of private messages, mostly foot

56:16

odor remedy related, I was able

56:18

to connect with a personal injury lawyer who

56:20

gave me some good advice about possibly suing

56:22

my landlord. So far I have only informally

56:24

contacted my landlord to ask them kindly to

56:26

pay for my medical bills. The lawyer I

56:28

spoke to thinks I can get much more

56:30

than that if I sue, but really I

56:32

don't see the need as long as my

56:34

pockets are made right. If they refuse, I

56:36

will go ahead with the suit. I've gotten

56:38

a phone call from the property manager who

56:40

said she would look into it, but needed

56:42

approval from higher-ups first. It's not a

56:44

no, so I'm optimistic. Yeah,

56:48

that's crazy. I feel bad.

56:50

I don't want to risk this guy's stinky

56:52

feet. I get it. I mean, these, he's

56:54

admitting he has stinky feet. He's embraced it.

56:57

Yeah. What was crazy about the story was he

56:59

said his fall was long enough for him to

57:01

think about it being his stinky feet. I

57:04

gotta fix this. I

57:06

really need to clean my feet. Damn.

57:10

The balcony below, they're like, what's that smell?

57:13

Yeah, for a split that's crazy. That's our

57:15

last story. Today I fucked up by ignoring

57:17

a lump on my balls for

57:27

23 years and ejecta toot

57:29

into my wife's eye,

57:31

almost ruining her laseic surgery. So

57:35

he assumed E

57:37

J A C U T

57:40

O O T I N

57:42

G. Ejecta tooting? Yeah. Why

57:45

are we saying that word? I gotta

57:47

roast some of these posts today for

57:49

just their word choices and the way

57:51

they're saying it. Just say it. Be

57:53

funnier. Or just say it. Or just

57:55

like, tell me the truth. Just write it. You

57:57

don't have to do that. We do that. It's

58:00

corny. You can just write it or you could be funnier

58:02

man. You got something to do. Don't put a hat on

58:04

the word. Just say the word. Sometimes

58:07

when I'm reading reddit posts, I envision just

58:09

a normal person and then

58:11

there's specific sentences or specific words where

58:13

I imagine them putting on a fedora jacket

58:16

and then taking it off in conti- Literally

58:19

being like today I fucked up by ignoring a lump on

58:21

my balls for 23 years and ejacitating

58:24

into my wife's eyes Almost

58:27

ruining her lasek surgery. Oh, man. All

58:29

right. Wait, this is wild.

58:31

Let's get into this one. Every once in a

58:34

while Something happens so preposterous so outside the realm

58:36

of possibility that you know, no one will ever

58:38

believe you that's happened to me three times

58:41

Once I saw a squirrel disappear into thin air Right,

58:46

okay Okay,

58:49

shit, where'd he go? Okay. All

58:52

right, but let's hear the story about you a

58:54

jacket-tooting Once

58:57

I saw a disembodied hand cross a road in the

59:00

dead of night and once I

59:02

okay fuck this guy This

59:05

guy? No. Fuckle

59:08

up. I saw a squirrel

59:12

This guy's like I took acid twice. Okay,

59:14

and once I saw a disembodied hand across

59:17

a road in the dead of night and

59:19

once I Ejaka

59:22

farted into my wife. Oh,

59:24

can I go yet? I'm

59:26

sorry. Call it here I

59:29

would have zero problem with this guy if he

59:31

just said ejaculated, but he refuses to say that

59:33

word Ejaki

59:36

farted is so much worse. It's so embarrassing. We're

59:39

even saying that on camera. Let's

59:41

travel back 23 years ago I

59:43

was 14 Even

59:50

Copperfield treatment on this shit. Let's travel

59:53

back 23 years ago I

59:55

was 14 and had just learned about doing

59:57

self checks of my testicles for lumps and

1:00:00

behold I found one. I was pretty worried, told

1:00:02

my parents, and eventually went to a urologist. He

1:00:05

examined the lump and told me it was a

1:00:07

varicose vein. The doctor didn't do much to verify

1:00:09

this other than squeezing the lump a few times,

1:00:11

but he told me not to worry about it

1:00:13

and said that at worst there was about a

1:00:15

3% chance I couldn't have kids. So

1:00:18

I went about my life not worrying about it.

1:00:20

About six months ago my wife was going ham

1:00:22

on ham. Dude. About

1:00:26

a hell. About six

1:00:28

months ago my wife was going

1:00:30

ham on ham, giving me an

1:00:32

old fashioned, if you will. Fuck.

1:00:35

Just drive a truck for

1:00:38

a change. Just drive a fucking

1:00:40

truck. Give me an old fashioned, if

1:00:42

you will. We've been together for, wow,

1:00:45

19 years. So

1:00:47

farting in front of each other during sex wasn't a

1:00:49

big deal. At best it was funny and at worst

1:00:52

nothing to really react to. So there

1:00:54

I was, enjoying myself, but not anywhere

1:00:56

near climaxing when I farted. And when

1:00:59

I say farted, I mean I ejacu-farted.

1:01:01

By which I mean the fart caused

1:01:03

me to ejaculate hard with no orgasm.

1:01:06

My wife was caught off guard and

1:01:08

my cum hit her in the eye.

1:01:10

She had had LASIK about three months

1:01:12

beforehand and while she was well past

1:01:15

the healing stage, she was adamant about

1:01:17

not rubbing her eyes anymore for the rest

1:01:19

of her life. Something about detached retinas, anyway,

1:01:21

back to the ejacu-farting. So I figured this

1:01:24

was a one-off incident, but the next time

1:01:26

I had to fart during a private personal

1:01:28

session, I forced the fart out and the

1:01:30

same thing happened. And then again, when I

1:01:32

tried again a bit later, I assumed this

1:01:34

wasn't normal. So 23 years after that first

1:01:37

visit, I found myself back at the urologist

1:01:39

and this time they looked more closely at

1:01:41

what was going on down there, MRI and

1:01:43

all. And as it turns out, that lump

1:01:45

on my left ball wasn't a varicose vein,

1:01:48

but part of a complex

1:01:50

of soft tissues, which didn't

1:01:52

belong there and which apparently

1:01:54

linked my bulbocavarnosis muscle and

1:01:57

pubococcus muscle.

1:02:00

probably other shit too. I don't

1:02:02

know cocking shit. What got me

1:02:04

was bulbo. A

1:02:08

bulbio. It's not

1:02:10

cancer, more of a one in

1:02:12

a million medical oddity. Why

1:02:15

it would cause this Jackie farting phenomenon

1:02:17

only now is a mystery. There's coming

1:02:19

a little ball? No, no I

1:02:21

don't think so. I think it's just... Take

1:02:24

that out. Unless

1:02:27

I had literally never farted while having a

1:02:29

boner before at that moment in my entire

1:02:31

life. Anyway, my wife's eye is okay and

1:02:33

so am I, I guess. I

1:02:35

don't seem to be in any immediate danger anyway

1:02:37

according to my doctors. Oh, and I can have

1:02:39

kids. I just hope that none of them

1:02:41

were conceived by an a Jackie fart. Throwaway

1:02:44

because my main account is pretty popular.

1:02:46

Also, I had to go with ejaculating

1:02:48

in the title because fart was prohibited.

1:02:51

Okay, so that explains a little bit more about

1:02:53

why he was using that word. No, it doesn't help

1:02:56

though because he thinks it's the funniest thing ever. He

1:02:58

really does. He thinks his Jackie farting is like the

1:03:00

peak of comedy. He's like, I found it. I struck

1:03:02

gold. I don't know where to pick.

1:03:04

He had to use throwaway because his other account

1:03:06

is pretty popular. Popular? I'm

1:03:09

pretty popular. My other account is pretty

1:03:11

popular. I'm

1:03:14

a meme lord over on my other... I've

1:03:18

got a lot of wetter comma. So

1:03:21

it all started when I was 14. Have

1:03:24

you guys ever come to when you fought? I

1:03:26

like how they've established that they're like, yeah, we don't know

1:03:29

how that's connected to the Jackie farting. What if it's not

1:03:31

connected? What if that's just a weird thing? Maybe he's just

1:03:33

getting old. Maybe he's just fucked

1:03:35

up. I don't think I've ever heard a

1:03:37

story on this show that I was just like, no

1:03:39

comment. There's

1:03:41

this... It's like a

1:03:44

Seth Rogen show. It's new, but he does this bit

1:03:46

where he's like, yeah, every time I get like a

1:03:48

girl, if I wasn't finishing, she'd just punch me in

1:03:50

the kidney and I'd immediately finish. And that's just what

1:03:52

I thought about. I was like, hit him in

1:03:54

the kidney and it would make it... But like,

1:03:57

it's insane. Like, why would you just

1:03:59

immediately call... when you fart. I

1:04:01

look a part of me respects this couple but

1:04:03

a part of me is also just like so

1:04:05

blown away that it's like yeah we fart during

1:04:07

sex and like like the limit that he's talking

1:04:09

about he's like yeah I had to force I

1:04:12

tried to force out this fart I'm

1:04:14

like oh so it's not just like an act like

1:04:16

you're okay with it accidentally happening you guys like fucking

1:04:18

do it you like welcome it you're like it's part

1:04:20

of it that's part of the act um it's just

1:04:22

the way

1:04:25

he wrote about I know it's the way it's a lot

1:04:28

of the people today wrote their

1:04:30

story yeah it was very specific

1:04:32

um some comments if we've made

1:04:34

it down to the comment section

1:04:36

we've already lost that's

1:04:39

so fun yeah

1:04:41

if you're here you're lost it's over

1:04:43

your loss we lost yeah I'm of

1:04:45

the same thought I'm just like that's

1:04:48

okay it's very personal to that person

1:04:50

I guess it's their thing they're fine they're

1:04:52

happy yeah back it's like it wasn't a

1:04:54

problem you stuck your dick in the peanut

1:04:56

butter it's just like if that's your thing

1:04:58

that's okay just like be respectful about the

1:05:00

way you handle it yeah you're like

1:05:03

I farted on my roommate's face

1:05:05

while I was in the

1:05:07

comments this is

1:05:10

wild to our

1:05:13

viewers I'm sorry

1:05:15

yeah this one got out of

1:05:17

hand quick it felt like pretty good it

1:05:19

was like everything was normal we were on

1:05:21

the track and then and then it just fucking went

1:05:24

everywhere yeah this is what I'm very good the most

1:05:27

who is the most most embarrassing

1:05:29

story the last two guys like owned it

1:05:31

yeah if you own it it kind

1:05:33

of goes away like I can't be too embarrassed

1:05:35

for this guy because he didn't really

1:05:37

care too much he couldn't wait to talk about

1:05:40

it yeah like it seems like to

1:05:42

their credit he and his wife I don't know if

1:05:44

they can be embarrassed by each other yeah if

1:05:47

they're full on just farting up a storm during sex

1:05:50

I don't know what there is you guys farted in

1:05:52

front of a partner oh yeah I

1:05:55

just like what is there a story I

1:05:57

don't like to fart in front of

1:05:59

like anybody People yeah the only

1:06:01

time my I still have a dream

1:06:03

I Still have a

1:06:05

hope that I want to I really on try not

1:06:07

to laugh. I want to rip a huge part But

1:06:11

it needs to be like cuz I one time

1:06:13

forever ago years ago like 2018 like a very

1:06:15

small like not Like you had to

1:06:17

have subtitles to know like oh Shane farted. I

1:06:20

want to like I want it to be like holy

1:06:22

shit I want the room to shake a little bit

1:06:26

I'm hoping for that one of these days you look

1:06:28

great I don't mean to be like

1:06:30

all girly and what but I do have a theory

1:06:32

that I must be farting in my sleep because During

1:06:34

the day. I'm not farted. Maybe it's your diet. Maybe

1:06:36

you just eat the right stuff But like

1:06:38

like I've never thought of the time. I was like

1:06:41

oh, yeah, oops. I farted The

1:06:43

band they farted oops. I come Oops,

1:06:46

I hit Jackie farted Well

1:06:52

Somehow been embarrassing for us Yeah,

1:06:59

thank you both for being here, I'm sorry This

1:07:08

sucks Let

1:07:11

us know how embarrassed you are by

1:07:13

watching this episode yeah, and let us

1:07:15

know what other subreddits and themes you'd

1:07:17

like us to cover because this one was a

1:07:19

hit and We'll see

1:07:21

you next Saturday Goodbye and

1:07:23

make sure to like the video make

1:07:26

sure to like the video make sure