The Spy Who Loved Me - “Scrotal Imprint” Summary: Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this Egyptian episode, we join Bond on his XXX-rated mission to retrieve microfilm from the Jaws of defeat. Ignore that floating Lotus - let us wet-bike you to Atlantis and beyond as we strive to find an original premise in The Spy Who Loved Me.

* The pre-titles sequence introduces Agent XXX before we’re off to the Austrian Alps to watch Bond pull out. Some nice skiing stunts show us the strength that can be found in silence (no slide-whistles here!). Then we ignore Carly Simon’s sleepy song to focus once more on what those silhouettes are up to.* Some subs are missing, so Bond is brought in to chase up a lead in Egypt. Bond rides a camel across the desert before dismounting at a friend’s tent. Fear not though - more humps are in Bond’s future as some 70s sex-slavery convinces Bond to pitch his own tent for the night.* Bond’s visit to Cairo involves some unconvincing fighting on a rooftop and the obligatory Pyramids trip. Here we get to see Jaws kill a man who - apparently - was already completely drained of blood. * Microchip negotiations begin, but this is interrupted when Kolba is killed in phone booth. Bond and Anya join forces to follow Jaws - who kidnaps them and heads off into the desert.* Bond and Agent Anya are forced to work together to retrieve the microchip and escape Jaws. On the boat back to Cairo, Bond tries to get his leg over - but Anya honeypots herself out of harm’s way. She is sent right back into harm’s way when Russian M demands the agents officially work together to chase the next lead at Stromberg Laboratories.* For some reason, Bond and Anya catch a train from Egypt to Sardinia. This leaves them open to an ambush by Jaws - who is hiding in Anya’s closet! Despite the astounding hand:face ratio in the ensuing fight, Bond manages a shocking victory.* Bond and Anya pose as Marine Biologists to visit Stromberg. The brief (and seemingly pointless) meeting gives us our first real look at Atlantis, and then our Marine Biologists are abruptly sent back to the mainland. * A really exciting chase sequence builds from a motorcycle to a car to a helicopter, and climaxes with a submarine-Lotus. Elon Musk - if you are listening and would like to licence our “Float-us” idea, get in touch!* Once Bond and Anya actually infiltrate Atlantis, the film takes a turn for the worse by becoming little more than a drawn-out imitation of You Only Live Twice (huge vessel swallowing another vessel, control room behind the shutters, one army storming the lair of another army, evil plan is to start a war between two nations…). Come on, Lewis Gilbert - no wonder the Revenge of the Nerds protagonists were able to usurp your name!* With nameless nobodies dying all around him, Bond finds a copy of “Nuclear Subs for Dummies” and uses the easy-to-follow instructions to reprogram the launch coordinates for both submarines* Bond tracks down Stromberg for an anticlimactic showdown, before running into Jaws for the real final battle. Despite the odds being against him, Bond is rewarded for all those childhood years playing Skilltester at the arcade. * Once Jaws has eaten his daily intake of Omega-3 acids, we finish the film with Bond throwing out a quintessential “Double 0-ntendre”, followed by curtains and the most mind-boggling musical miscue imaginable.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to expose and immortalize this film’s lazy rehashing of a previous Bond adventure by re-naming it “You Only Live Thrice”!