Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, Roger offers a history lesson on India’s colonial past! Enjoy our first ever pre-titles sequence as we try to out-do Bond for schoolboy humour, and join our short stay on a sapphic island in “Octopussy”.

* A pre-titles sequence everyone enjoys sets us up for what we can only assume is the all-time high of Rita Coolidge’s career: yet another Bond ballad.* Agent 009 learns that a clown costume is the worst possible outfit for a midnight chase through the jungle. Then, we meet the new M when Bond gives a crash course in Faberge Eggs.* Orlov defies the wishes of his frenemies and presses on with his plan to conquer Europe. Part One of this plan? Sending Kamal to a jewelry auction. Bond is meant to walk on eggshells but bids big; Kamal keeps his cool and shells out for the egg.* In India, Bond heads straight for the casino to play his signature game… backgammon? Bond brings sexy back with a no-look roll, as he and Kamal eventually come face-to-face. This cheekiness is swiftly punished with a tuk-tuk chase - which includes a quick lesson on the cultural delights of the subcontinent.* Bond visits Q’s makeshift lab for terrible one-liners and schoolboy nonsense. Bond’s date with Kamal’s girl leads to Magda shows Bond her octopussy, then taking a walk of shame right off the balcony - upon which Gobinda comes out of the shadows to have his way with James.* Bond’s imprisonment in Kamal’s castle leads to nice suits and fine dining. Refusing to put up with this outrageous treatment, James breaks out of his cell and catches a hint of exposition. Bond quickly realises the only way out of this fortress is to hide in a bodybag until he is taken out with the next truckload of corpses. * An unconvincing zombie impression gives James enough room to escape into the jungle.This is hard viewing even before the vine swing is ruined with Tarzan’s awful audio.* Bond’s colleague Vijay is demoted to massuese, while Octopussy’s ladies-only island outrages James. Bond heads for this island paradise, and Octopussy quickly wraps her tentacles around him. Kamal arrives and is angered by Bond’s nasty habit of surviving, so heads off to hire some henchmen at the cantina. Unlike Vijay, James is able to escape the circular saw yo-yo.* Bond follows Octopussy and Kamal to Germany, where he learns that Orlov and Kamal are double-crossing Octopussy by switching precious jewels with an atomic payload. Bond kills a few henchmen before Orlov dumps exposition all over him. Bond’s knowledge of the full plan leads to driving a car on the train tracks, and then spending time on, in, and under a train. SPECTRE Etc has plenty of questions about these scenes, but Col has all the answers! * James jumps from the train and once more flees through a jungle. Bond arrives at the circus and spends a good half hour putting on clown makeup. It turns out that Col is also our go-to man for questions about painting one’s own head.* Bond infiltrates the circus but no one takes the clown seriously. Octopussy steals a policeman’s gun to shoot at the bomb; then James defuses it the old-fashioned way.* Everyone zooms back to India for a circus-style sneak attack, before Bond’s horse catches up to Kamal’s plane. Bond brings down the plane, then lets Octopussy nurse him back to health.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Gobinda officially renamed The Turbanator!