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0:38

10th, 2008, 9.30 in

0:40

the p.m. Detective Shane Nicely waiting

0:42

for Chief Daniel Rittenberger in the

0:44

basement of Topalicious Pizza. I've

0:47

had a slice of their vegan special, which

0:49

left a lot to be desired. That

0:51

being said, I think we're moving in

0:53

the right direction. Re-vegan cheese. Operation

0:56

Pot Roast has come to a head. If

0:58

my suspicions are correct, I should

1:01

be able to get Rittenberger to

1:03

confess. Hello?

1:05

Detective, are you down

1:07

there? Ah, drat. Ah,

1:10

there you are. I knew you were here. Hey,

1:12

Pat, isn't it? What the hell are you doing

1:14

here, buddy? I know you're a cop. You

1:16

don't have to pretend. I detected a whiff

1:19

of pepperoni when we met, so I've scoured every

1:21

pizza parlor in town looking for you. Vegan

1:23

pepperoni. Pepper-no-ni. I

1:26

just wanted to ask you to maybe not arrest us

1:28

tonight. I mean, I know you're onto the big

1:30

con. The big con? Sure, no problem. I won't

1:32

arrest you. Now get out of here. Wow,

1:35

really? That was kind? Yeah,

1:38

super kind. Bye. You

1:40

must think criminals like me and Donner aren't

1:42

very kind at all. You know what? I

1:44

think you're terrific. Tracking me down here using

1:46

your street smarts. There's probably a world where

1:48

I'm you and you're me. Is that what

1:50

you need to hear? Shucks,

1:52

I think it just might be. Do

1:55

you really mean that? Yeah, nicely.

1:57

Do you really mean that? Oh

2:00

gee whiz, what a swell thing to say.

2:02

Chief! Pat was just leaving.

2:05

You can't leave now Pat, you've already seen

2:07

my face. Nice face man, I mean not

2:09

as kind as his face. Bit

2:12

scarier actually. Pat has nothing to do

2:14

with this, he's just some red herring

2:16

case you put me on, so I

2:18

wouldn't go sticking my schnoz where it

2:21

wasn't wanted. Well now that

2:23

you've said that, I definitely have to kill

2:25

him. Edwards, Rittenberger

2:28

has a gun. Edwards is

2:30

already dead idiot, and you're

2:32

about to join her. Oh

2:39

my word you gunned down the chief. Listen

2:41

to me, I've already called

2:43

the cops, this will sound strange, but the

2:45

only people who knew who I was are

2:47

now dead, so there'll be a lot of

2:49

explaining to do when the boys in blue

2:52

get here. Are you deep undercover right now?

2:54

Like in the departed? Are we

2:56

doing departed stuff? I need you to tell

2:58

them what happened, to confirm I'm a cop,

3:00

and don't mention you're a con man, that'll

3:02

complicate things. And then I have to live

3:04

my life differently right? I could not give

3:06

a shit. I should turn over a new

3:08

leaf, be a new man. Be whoever you

3:10

want to be, I just want the cops

3:12

to know, Rittenberger was

3:14

crooked. Fuck

3:18

you, Nicely. Oh

3:24

no. Mr

3:26

Nicely? Detective?

3:33

Police, who's down there? Hello?

3:37

Who's down there? I

3:39

can be whoever I want to be. Check, Check.

3:45

One, two,

3:48

one, two. A

3:53

toffee apple, and some power

3:55

sink tomorrow. down

4:00

who are you who are

4:03

you my

4:06

name is it's

4:10

the grand finale the previous episode ended

4:12

with myself and my cohorts trapped in

4:14

a jail cell so who better to

4:16

have as a final guest than mr.

4:19

Gus Khan welcome guys why

4:21

you introducing me like that I ain't never been to

4:23

no prison I thought he had been prison no I

4:25

filled a TV show in a prison and it was a made-up

4:28

one sure but that was based on your real life yeah

4:30

a couple of parts of man like

4:32

Moby where inspired by my real life

4:34

but not that part yet you need

4:36

to double check such things before introducing

4:38

people on your part Adams how's big-handed

4:40

audio going she has completed our first Commission

4:43

audio tour for a decommissioned ring binder factory well

4:45

look at you I guess you won't be

4:48

needed this podcast anymore right you're literally never

4:50

doing this again Tom Allen takes over next

4:52

week in the pod becomes Tom Allen's spring

4:54

leaf yo what was all

4:56

that detective nicely stuff at the beginning that

4:58

was my way into copping does Adam stole

5:00

it from the police archives it's

5:03

only the big reveal of the series we've

5:05

been dropping bread crumbs throughout it's been very

5:07

clever it was hard not to spill the

5:10

beans especially when you're being annoying and I

5:12

appreciate you keeping stum Adams this is already

5:14

the best final episode of anything ever yeah

5:16

listen I I don't have to listen

5:19

to any of the other episodes right I

5:21

literally emailed them to you for that exact reason let's

5:25

kick things off in prison where everybody

5:27

was feeling a little bit sensitive oh

5:30

oh yeah now

5:33

as for you Pat spring leaf

5:37

start talk well

5:40

my name is Pat spring leaf I'm

5:42

an undercover cop from Keter and north house Become

6:00

a credible standup again! Who's she talking

6:02

to? Oh, Sita's hiding outside

6:04

the prison with our assistant producer Declan, who

6:06

may or may not be her lover. There's

6:08

someone outside the prison who can hear you.

6:11

Don't get your hopes up. Bet Donna's trapped

6:13

in two. Well, Donna's currently ignoring Sita, actually,

6:15

pretending she doesn't exist. Yeah, Sita

6:17

was drinking a lilt earlier, and Donna

6:19

claimed the can was floating. Kept saying we had

6:21

a totally tropical ghost on her hands. Boy,

6:24

hasn't the warden sent a team in here? I

6:26

was in an accident when the crew was setting up

6:28

hidden cameras, rewired the prison CCTV. Rigged

6:31

it up to show series one of Orange is the

6:33

New Black? By the time they realised, they'll be too

6:35

invested enough to binge watch to the end. Pat,

6:39

were you really breaking me out of here just to

6:41

arrest us during the heist? Well...

6:45

I wanted to make you happy and get you out of prison. Then

6:49

I wanted to make you happy by doing the heist! Then

6:52

I wanted to make the police happy by

6:55

catching you again. So

6:57

I end my career a fool. I'm

7:02

sorry, Lawrence. Go

7:05

ahead, Huey. Do him in again. I'll

7:07

kill you! Say your prayers! Say your

7:09

prayers! You better start saying your prayers,

7:11

Huey! Say your prayers, right now! Angela's

7:17

log. I've received a phone call

7:19

from OneC to Chupra claiming Pat Springleaf is

7:21

locked in a jail cell. I'm

7:23

on my way to the prison now. Accompanied

7:25

by a man who has recently

7:27

and conveniently learned escapeology. I've

7:30

never been in a car sober before. This

7:33

feels exhilarating! He

7:35

also has some compelling opinions regarding

7:37

politics and has completely transformed my

7:40

views on prison reform, wind energy

7:42

and the rights to the Elgin

7:44

Marbles. I no longer believe

7:46

we should give them to any country but

7:48

Greece for a laugh. Do you

7:50

have any lighthouse family? God,

7:52

I really want to listen to some lighthouse

7:54

family right now. Stop

8:00

it! You're gonna have to be in a rush! You're gonna have to

8:02

be in a rush! I better stop! Hey,

8:08

hey guys? Shut up, traitor! What

8:13

if we could intercept the SW5 gang? Before

8:15

they get to the casino? That'd be good. We

8:18

could tell them about Donna and stop her robbing the HQ.

8:21

Or we could not tell them about Donna.

8:23

You fucking what? Oh, give it a rest!

8:26

Any plan you've got is of no use to

8:28

a spring leaf, because bottom line, we can't break

8:31

out of a fucking prison! It's

8:33

not the 1900s! We can't file

8:35

through the bars with a cake, or smash through the

8:37

walls with a poster! I was

8:39

this close to retiring! But thanks to

8:41

you, not only am I gonna die in here,

8:43

I'll be forced to watch Reg, Nance and Huey

8:46

get the living shit kicked out of them on

8:48

a daily basis, just because they're objectively weaker than

8:50

all the other prisoners! Oh! Should've

8:52

stayed in me garden, feeding

8:54

poor cutlets to fish with my best

8:56

friend Angela. If

8:59

memory serves, they prefer chicken jow

9:01

mains. What the fuck? Angela!

9:04

How did you- No time for chit chat.

9:06

Let's break you out of this shit hole.

9:08

Yes. Nice to know

9:10

some gangsters are still pure-hearted criminals.

9:13

Oh no! I'm an undercover

9:15

cop, too. Er, what's

9:17

that? Yeah. I was

9:19

actually Chief of Police until Pat got me

9:21

fired. You've gotta be tugging my bullets. So

9:23

how many undercover cops were in the gang?

9:25

Three, including Clark. Who? Cougar.

9:28

Well at least he's dead. Nah, I'll be faked

9:30

that. He's Chief of Police now. You've gotta be

9:32

tugging my bullets. What's your real name if it

9:34

isn't Angela? Angela? Phenomenal

9:37

double bluff. Two. Hey

9:39

James, did you know Q Dennison's here? He looks

9:41

like he's been crying in his covenant in

9:44

Chilla Scratches. Before Nish picks these locks, I

9:46

wanna guarantee you're not gonna hurt either Pat

9:48

or myself. I've already pummeled him. So bad

9:50

luck. There will be no further violence providing

9:53

you help us take down Donna and the

9:55

SW-5 guys. You cannot be serious.

9:57

I know you never agreed with letting the

9:59

commi- and joined a gang, Huey. And

10:02

I thank you for standing by me regardless, but

10:04

we'd lost our way, son. Things

10:07

had gotten too pole-faced, too

10:09

business-like, so I took

10:11

a chance, opened our doors

10:13

to James Acaster. And while I

10:15

may never have known the real him, he

10:18

helped me find the real Lawrence. And

10:21

right now, the real Lawrence wants to see what

10:23

Pat Springley's got up his sleeve. But

10:25

why, though? Oh, because

10:28

it seems like a laugh. Well,

10:30

when I get out of here, I'll be returning

10:32

to my life as a truth-telling comedian. And the

10:34

first thing I'll be telling the truth about is

10:37

all this shit to the police. Sounds

10:39

great. Can you take Nish with you? Damn

10:41

right she can. Hi, Evelyn. You

10:43

know, everybody, I first came to this here

10:45

big top, looking for a friend. Now time

10:47

for the circus spiel, Kumar. Cut to the

10:50

chase. So I parked just from

10:52

noon till night, thinking only with my bong round. So one day, I

10:54

took her, finally. Everybody

10:57

here. Come on. Everybody else,

10:59

you get hot. Keep it. Keep it.

11:02

Keep it. Keep it. Keep

11:05

it. For respect to Kumar, breaking into an

11:07

entire prison like that. Oh, Nish only

11:09

picked the lock to our cell. Anjuna knew

11:11

the prison warden, so she made up a believable excuse and then

11:13

let her in the front door. Mad.

11:16

Come on. Gotta take a whiz. Don't go

11:19

changing, Anj. This guy's with me. Greetings. Dout

11:21

ladies. Orange really is the

11:23

new black. Nish and

11:25

Anjuna waters out of that prison, no problem.

11:27

The warden even asked Lawrence how the prank

11:29

had gone. A real

11:32

triumph. Thank you for asking. My

11:34

name is Walter J. Lindfalls and I am

11:36

a continuity supervisor. Good for

11:38

you, Walter. Hey. Over

11:41

here. Auf Wieder. You saved us. Aww.

11:48

Declan, why'd you slap me, mate? You

11:51

were naughty. All of this was

11:53

very naughty. Declan's right. You

11:55

were very naughty. You're lucky I

11:57

hadn't thrown away Angela's stupid business card.

11:59

Because the pineapples were too funny? Ha

12:02

ha ha ha! I hadn't noticed those. Quallows.

12:06

I've decided to drive Nish and Evelyn to the station,

12:08

but then I'm out. Understood? Totally.

12:11

Also, you're fired as my agent. What?

12:15

You deserve a fresh start in Hollywood, Sita. Plus,

12:18

you represent animals. And

12:20

I'm a man. Huh. And

12:23

you're not going to become my gardener or something

12:25

weird, like pop up in my condo? How can

12:27

I pop up in something if I've never been entirely

12:29

sure what it is? Goodbye,

12:31

Sita. You were the best agent

12:33

I ever had. Hush. Okay,

12:36

enough fannying about. Nish, pick

12:38

the lock of that armored truck. SW6 gang, saddle

12:40

up. You two piggies can

12:42

follow Angela's car. To the HQ! Dexler,

12:45

before we go, how long

12:47

would it take to mic up every member of

12:49

this wonderful gang? One, two,

12:52

one, two. Mic check. Nance.

12:55

Mic check. Lardence. Huey.

12:58

Angela. Billy Shingles. Bubblegum

13:00

Ice Vape. Full pack of jam tarts.

13:02

Second hand vape smoke. Prison grill and

13:05

toilet wine. One oat cake, followed by

13:07

one oat cake. Terry's chocolate satsuma. One

13:10

single rat. One single

13:12

rat. Donna's

13:18

still briefing them. We're not too late. Everyone,

13:20

follow Pat's lead. Can I still

13:22

do the countdown? Course you can, chump. You're

13:25

the number one guy. Three,

13:28

two, one, let's go! Stop

13:37

right there! What the... Niggums!

13:39

Ah, look who it is! The SW6

13:42

gang. Late as always. Donna

13:44

said we'd have to do the heist without you. Apologies

13:46

for the lateness, Janet. We'd still love to

13:48

be involved if you'll have us. Plus, we

13:50

brought along an additional pair of hands. Hello,

13:53

Janet, you old twat. Well,

13:56

look what the cat shat out. Want

13:58

back in, do ya? I

14:01

had a lot of time to think in

14:03

jail, you know, and I realised... You're

14:06

one hell of a leader, Big Board. Good

14:09

to hear you admit that snuffle-upagus. Janet,

14:12

you're not seriously considering it. We

14:15

thought you'd be up for this, Donna. Unless you have a

14:17

plan of your own. Maybe you

14:19

want to tell Janet your plan, or we could

14:21

tell Janet your plan together. Nope,

14:24

sounds great. Lawrence is

14:27

back in. Now get

14:29

out of here, you crazy crooks. I'll guard

14:31

the HQ. Awesome. Angela

14:33

and I will hang back and help.

14:35

Oh boy. I love hanging out with

14:37

Donna. Ever since she convinced me

14:39

to staple a cheese slice to my bare arse.

14:42

Fine. You three dweeb stay behind.

14:45

Everyone else follow me. The

14:47

best leader of all time according to

14:49

Lawrence. No takey-backies. It's heist

14:51

o'clock! Oh boy, look

14:53

o'clock, yes! So,

14:58

they left the pork scratchies behind and take

15:00

care of me, huh? It would appear so.

15:02

Lovely HQ. Very fancy. Oh,

15:06

and Billy Shingles is here too. And

15:08

you didn't tell Janet about me? Well, we

15:11

need Janet to believe everything is exactly as it

15:13

seems. It'll be easier to sabotage

15:15

her that way. But you don't need

15:17

to worry about that. We've decided to let you

15:19

go. Say what now? I'm

15:22

pleasing all the people, all the time today,

15:24

Donna. For the record, I was up

15:26

for letting Shingles do you in. Office

15:28

door stungs. Ooh, air hockey.

15:31

So, no strings.

15:34

Just gonna let me walk? As

15:37

long as you leave without lobbing the HQ. Oh

15:40

sure. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you

15:42

have my word. Checking

15:45

your pockets for your notebook. The one

15:47

with everyone's addresses written in it. Because

15:50

we've already chucked it. Along with your

15:52

phone. And I have your car keys. Billy

15:55

Shingles is an excellent pickpocket. Most kind. Well,

15:59

I guess... y'all did what you had to do.

16:02

Hey Angela, Pat used to be a con

16:04

man before he was a cop. He lied

16:07

in order to get into the police force,

16:09

and he's been lying to you since day

16:11

one of your professional and personal relationship. He

16:14

fucking what? Respect!

16:17

Angela, that may have been who I was, but it's not

16:20

who I am. I'm a comedian now.

16:22

I mean, I'm a cop. Well, a bit of both.

16:24

But I'm not a con man, even though I've sort

16:26

of been helping Donna con the SW6 gang. You

16:29

know what Donna? Let's rob this

16:32

stinking HQ together! Music

16:34

to my ear balls! If I'm going to

16:36

spend my day helping out a criminal, I'd rather it be

16:38

one who tells me the truth. Shingles,

16:40

you in? You even have

16:43

to ask. Ooh, 12-stop toaster

16:45

with a crumpet setting? You

16:49

can load that toaster up with crumpets after we load up

16:51

these cars with swag. SW5 in

16:53

yours, SW6 in mine. Spriggly!

16:56

Then don't shingle with his air hockey

16:58

table, brother. My eyes were bigger than

17:01

my belly. Over

17:03

at the casino, the time was a quarter to heist.

17:06

And two very different missions were at play. The

17:09

SW5s were planning to rob the joint, but

17:11

the SW6s were there to do one thing

17:13

and one thing only. Sabotage

17:16

the SW5 gang. Aye,

17:18

aye, aye, sir. That's why you got

17:20

everyone wired up. Yeah! That's

17:23

a turbo rat! Infecting everyone else and turning

17:25

them into rats also. I

17:28

am the turbo rat. Squeak,

17:30

squeak. I'm going to

17:32

play the casino recording and then I'll segue into the police

17:34

station stuff. Just in case anyone

17:36

is listening who's impressed by such things and could use

17:38

such skills on any upcoming projects. Big

17:41

Hannah audio. We do it all. Big

17:43

Hannah audio. We do it all. Here we go.

17:46

I'll be the real one. I'm going to be the real one. I'm going to be the

17:48

real one. I'm going to be the real one. I'm going to

17:51

be the real one. I'm going to be the real one.

17:53

I'll be the rich prick. You two be my lackey. Got

17:55

it? Sounds good to me. At Huey, you

17:57

got the fake jewels. Have I ever? This

17:59

will be a sin. I'm

18:02

comfortable when I start. Get the briefcase ready.

18:05

You whistled, madam. Yes!

18:08

I wish to store some jewels in your vault during

18:10

my stay. I see. Well,

18:13

there's a whole procedure we need to

18:15

get you- My name is Walter J.

18:17

Lintfalls. Maybe if you take a look

18:19

at what we're packin', you'll change your

18:21

mind! Those

18:25

are Darryl E. Dunker's. What? The

18:28

assistant has just shown me a briefcase full

18:30

of Darryl E. Dunker's. Oh no! Ah,

18:33

we must have left the fake

18:35

jewels elsewhere! Sebastian Sockles?

18:37

Fake jewels? No, no,

18:39

not fake. Real. And not Darryl E. Dunker's

18:41

either. We will be back. Wait there, sunshine.

18:45

The fuck was that? I guess

18:47

we brought the Darryl E. Dunker's briefcase

18:49

by mistake. Yeah, I think I got

18:51

confused between the briefcase that contains fake

18:53

jewels and the briefcase that contains exclusively

18:56

Darryl E. Dunker's. Shooey, if

18:58

you insist on having two such briefcases

19:00

within your possession at any one time, I would

19:02

politely request that you label them at the very

19:04

least. We would have got rumbled back

19:06

there were it not for my impeccable accent work and

19:09

irresistible second charm. Darryl

19:12

E. Dunker's. Fuckin'

19:14

hell! There

19:18

you go, Clive. Easy does it, Farrah.

19:21

Steady as she goes. The

19:24

room you're standing in is the

19:26

old metalwork's lounge, or, as the

19:28

workers call it, Ringadink Danki. This

19:32

is where the ring met the binder for the very

19:34

first time. Look about the

19:36

king-size cauldron on your right, and you'll see

19:38

a framed photograph of Wundie Pickham, 12th Duke

19:40

of Sussex, and all-round Merrymaker. My bad, one

19:43

second. Who the fuck is this? All

19:45

good, girls, just a little bit of a muddle. Adams,

19:48

you're looking for the police station audio. Yeah, I'm

19:50

aware. Excellent sound quality,

19:52

just then, Adams. Big hand at audio, man. That

19:55

was clear as a bell. What's that Ringadink Danki?

19:57

Here we are. Police station audio. Forget that happened.

19:59

Don't wanna talk about it. For

20:02

all your audio needs, you're a

20:04

big boy boss. In

20:07

a big- There's been a prison break! There's been a prison

20:09

break! What the hell? Clark Burbridge.

20:12

Sita Chopra. We met briefly

20:14

on Tom Allen's panel show. Oh

20:17

shit! You were the gag writer! I thought

20:19

it was weird how clinically

20:21

unfunny you were. Oh

20:24

baby. You did it, didn't he? God

20:26

damn it, Pat. How funny! How

20:28

far did he actually get? Well,

20:32

he sprung some old crook out of

20:34

prison and endangered the life of a

20:36

celebrity in the process. Also

20:39

someone called Billy Shingles is involved. Ah!

20:42

Shingles is the worst! I have

20:44

no choice but to put Springleaf behind bars. God

20:46

damn it, Pat. Let's

20:50

not be so hasty. Nish?

20:54

Hello, Bongbro. I

20:56

never heard back from Angela. I'd given up

20:58

hope! That makes one of us. As

21:02

Pat says, if you want to arrest Janet and her

21:04

crew, today's the day. Hold up. Are

21:07

we here to get Pat arrested or

21:09

deliver this guy a message? Cause I

21:12

do not like being tricked. Um,

21:14

you hosted a TV prank show. Tricking

21:17

people is the opposite of being tricked, Sita. You

21:20

just proved my point. Janet

21:23

and the gang were good to me. I

21:25

thought this promotion would be my ticket out of having to do

21:27

the inevitable. Well, my brother

21:29

in Bong, sometimes if we truly want to

21:31

help our friends, we have to make some

21:33

tough calls and do things that may appear

21:36

cruel. Because in the long run, they

21:39

might just learn escapology, quit drugs

21:41

and fall in love with a

21:43

fortune teller named Madame Tina. I

21:46

have a better life now and it's thanks

21:48

to you Banjo. I

21:51

love you Kazooie. Madame Tina told

21:53

me you'd say that! Bring

21:55

it in, bring it in for the real thing.

21:58

I love you. This way

22:00

just to watch this and cougar

22:03

hug each other. Yep, let's go

22:05

or bookie of those truth telling

22:07

gigs you were talking about something

22:10

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22:12

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of ads crashing your comedy podcast

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listening on Amazon Music is included with

23:00

your Prime membership. Just. Just head

23:02

to amazon.com/adfreecomedy to catch up

23:04

on the latest episodes Without.

23:07

without the ads. I

23:14

can. We are cannibal Casually

23:16

up to that security guard. I'll pretend of

23:18

a mighty taught. He'll take this talk to

23:20

the full on my behalf. Now remember he

23:23

was shot thirty minutes of oxygen in this

23:25

com net. Saw it when he closed. The

23:27

need to since we already wasted twenty minutes.

23:29

What's funny youtube videos we need to my

23:31

friend's. House. Gotta

23:35

say, I see like a real croupier in

23:37

this uniform. John. We let them.

23:39

so that's a compliment on

23:41

the continent. A Men. Cool

23:44

cause. Something

23:47

else is also smart card

23:49

fair. No sweat happens all

23:51

the time. Allow me. Oh

23:53

that's that's okay. My Walter Jay Lynn

23:55

falls here. should have one I work

23:58

here to after all. Nine I will. J.

24:00

Limp bowls doesn't have one. Alright, I'm pretty sure

24:02

we both lost our cards. Really? On

24:04

the same day. Yeah, that doesn't sound

24:07

likely. And yet, it is. We need to

24:09

get this cart through to the vault. So why is

24:11

the cart trembling? Maybe you need a break. We can

24:13

take over your post if you want to. Gasp! I've

24:16

got a key card! Does that help? Sorry,

24:19

it was boiling in there. Come brave. See

24:22

you later, mate. Thank you very

24:24

much, Mr. Security Guard. Goodbye! Sorry!

24:27

Jesus, Janet, I don't know what's going on.

24:29

I got too immersed in the role. Due

24:31

to our convincing disguises I take, I truly

24:33

believed I was a casino employee. I started

24:35

worrying about the scheduling in the cabaret lounge

24:37

at one point. Does Matt? God help me.

24:40

Oh, you know what? This isn't a key card. It's

24:42

just a travel-sized packet of wet wipes. Just in case

24:44

it got too hot in there. Which it did, by

24:47

the way. I actually had to open the lid at

24:49

one point. Yeah. I've clocked that. Ah,

24:54

and that's the last of it. Whew!

24:57

HQ well and truly fleeced.

24:59

Thanks for your help, Billy Shingles. Very

25:02

efficient. And I only noticed you

25:04

pocket one item for yourself. Supertend

25:06

alarm clock. I'm not made of

25:08

stone. This is sad, Donna.

25:11

How are you meant to please all the people all the time

25:13

if you rob most of them? Oh,

25:15

how are you meant to please all the people

25:17

all the time if I leave empty-handed? Time

25:20

to fly. Angela, let's go. Nah.

25:26

What now? Pat already told me

25:28

about his past on the way over from the prison. I

25:30

hit him in the scalp and now it's water under

25:32

the bridge. A

25:36

con man? Right

25:39

in the scalp. What was that? An espresso cup?

25:41

My head's spinning here. How did you become a

25:43

cop? Well, a detective once

25:45

told me I could be whoever I wanted to

25:47

be. Even said he and I could switch places.

25:49

So, one day we did. The

25:52

day Rittenberger died. You were never deep

25:54

undercover? Are you telling me the

25:56

dead con man was a cop? I

25:59

thought I'd see your queen. We're talking about

26:01

the day I became chief here! Ah, and

26:03

what a chief! You helped me turn my

26:05

entire life around, Angela. You took

26:08

a con man with no future and turned him into

26:10

the greatest cop this precinct has ever seen. We

26:13

only called you that because of Operation Pot Roast, and

26:15

it turns out you didn't even do it! Well,

26:17

I did the SW6 case for real, though, and

26:19

if you helped me stick the land in, we

26:21

can save both our reputations. Okay,

26:29

one more bop in the scalp, and we're even. Fair's fair. Time

26:36

out! Why do we just fill our cars with

26:38

all this sweet loot if we're not stealing it? Oh,

26:40

you can keep all that SW5 swag, we don't

26:42

care about that. And the SW6 booty?

26:45

You taking it into evidence like

26:47

a couple of goody-two-shoes-teacher's-pet dickheads? Well,

26:49

the SW6 gang are relocating, Donna. Lawrence asked us

26:51

to move all this stuff to the new HQ.

26:55

So my punishment for locking you in

26:57

a jail cell and leaving you to

27:00

die is loading somebody else's

27:02

car for them? Yep!

27:05

And you should have seen the look on your

27:07

face! Well,

27:09

um, I'm catching up. You

27:12

know, actually, I enjoy working together again,

27:14

Springly. Fixing the leader off, planning a

27:16

jailbreak, walking around the HQ, dropping his

27:18

financial and might be a cop. You

27:21

little shit! Why

27:23

always the scalp, man? Adios,

27:26

you bacon rasher bozo. Oh, and if

27:28

you could not mention my business model

27:30

to the SW7 gang, that

27:32

would be greatly appreciated. Lawrence

27:35

isn't going to like this. Ah,

27:37

he'll be fine. We'll hit up an ice cream sandwich

27:39

joint on the way to the casino. That always puts

27:41

things in perspective. Ice cream

27:43

summies! Now you're talking

27:45

Billy Shingle's language! Speaking

27:49

of the casino, despite Lawrence's

27:51

best efforts, the SW11 gang have progressed to

27:53

the final stage of the heist and were

27:55

now dressed as a SWAT team, walking several

27:58

bags of cash out the front door. just

28:00

like in Ocean's Eleven. Yeah, well that's how

28:02

it works in real life, yeah. Yeah, most of them work in

28:05

real life. I got through my first year

28:07

as a pop by quoting lines from the departed. I

28:09

knew I'd heard the name Billy Costigan before. So,

28:11

without further ado, let's

28:13

rejoin Ocean's SW-11.

28:18

To get what I did, Adam, with the... Cos

28:21

SW-11 gang and

28:23

Ocean's Eleven, and I'll put them together. Make

28:27

sure you turn the volume up when I say

28:29

Ocean's SW-11. That's clever. Oh,

28:31

yeah! That's

28:33

it, everyone. Keep moving. Keep moving.

28:36

Hold on. I've fallen over. Wait, I'll... Get

28:39

your arse up. Some teams don't fall over,

28:41

especially when they're mid-swat. Oh,

28:44

I've fallen over too. Bleeding, Nora.

28:47

Stop falling over. I've fallen over.

28:49

Oh, no, I've fallen over. Why

28:52

is it we're USW-6 lot? Every

28:54

step of this heist, my SW-5s have been nothing but professional. But

28:58

we keep getting slowed down by deadly mountains

29:00

and sub-lasm attacks and singing Happy Birthday

29:02

to the Bat-Jack dealer. We're this

29:04

close to freedom, and you're falling over like toddlers.

29:08

Anyone a think you're a sabot-top... Er...

29:12

we were what, Janice? You didn't finish your

29:14

thought. Get

29:17

on your fucking knees, you

29:19

double-crossing rat bastard! He's already

29:22

on the floor. Janice, now look at where

29:24

you are, love. Gather up their bags,

29:26

gang. This is our money now. You're

29:28

making quite the scene. Janice, someone's bound

29:30

to call the fuzz here. They

29:32

won't get here fast enough. I've still time

29:34

to make a speech, blow you to kingdom

29:36

time, and scarf up with a dosh. No.

29:40

Janice, if you're gonna shoot, save

29:43

all your bullets from me. Please, let my gang

29:45

walk. Whatever you say, cutie

29:47

pie. I've been looking forward

29:49

to this for a very long time.

29:52

Woooo! Lock

29:57

the gun down and get on the ground. I

30:01

am the Chief of Police and I love

30:03

using this megaphone. I

30:05

feel hurt for the first time in my life. I

30:08

never needed self-affirmation. I just needed

30:10

this megaphone. Kuga! You're

30:13

the Suckin' Chief! Yes,

30:15

sorry, Diddit. If

30:17

there's any consolation, I replace someone who once

30:19

infiltrated the SW6 day. Haha!

30:22

You're in that room! I

30:24

undercover caught shit all over your undercover

30:28

comp. SW5 forever! Woooo! Diddit!

30:32

Diddit! Janet, when you get to prison, do

30:34

me a favour. Will you say hello to

30:36

Hugh Dennis for us? Hahahaha! Yes,

30:39

very funny. Take her away now. It's up to

30:41

her if she says hello to Hugh Dennis or

30:43

not. Ow! Don't ask me. I'm

30:45

on your side. We're wearing wires. We're

30:48

the good guys. We're with you. Yeah,

30:50

okay. Those ones are cool. Oh

30:56

no! I missed the big finale! I'm

30:59

sorry, Lawrence. I stopped on the way to get

31:01

celebratory ice cream sandwiches and missed all the fun.

31:04

You shut your filthy hole, Springleaf.

31:07

Oh shit! This one's got a gun too! What's

31:10

going on, Lawrence? I thought everything was A-OK. A-OK?

31:14

All these years I thought you were an upstanding

31:16

gangster, but you were a piece

31:18

of shit copper this whole time. Lawrence,

31:21

listen to me. It's a

31:23

barmy evening. These ice cream sandwiches have

31:25

45 seconds max before their soonness. Do

31:28

not take your eye to that man, everyone! That's

31:31

my best buddy he's threatening! The

31:33

apricot and shortbread is to die for. I regret phrasing

31:35

it like that. Please don't use it as a setup

31:37

for shooting me. Ah, nuts.

31:39

You can't resist that. Oh.

31:42

You'll be dying for that apricot and shortbread ice

31:44

cream sandwich, alright? Shit. Literally

31:47

dying. Wait, will you still

31:49

save the tonight? That's

31:55

right! It's the audio from the very beginning of

31:57

the very first episode. We only gonna did it.

32:00

Oh, a circle. Can you

32:02

still save the what? Oh, cannolis. I picked up some

32:04

boneless cannolis as well. They would have lasted longer in

32:06

the heat than the ice cream sandwiches. Where did they

32:08

pass you? Have you got a cool Scott show to

32:10

me? Oh no, that was the sound of a cop

32:12

shooting Lawrence in the arm. Lawrence never

32:14

got to squeeze the trigger. I was unscathed. Sorry, was

32:16

that not clear? I thought he'd taken you being a

32:19

cop for a bit too well, you know. I'm not

32:21

surprised he put a piece on you. Yeah, well he

32:23

did have to go back to prison for a bit,

32:25

which I did feel bad about. But hey, he's out

32:27

now, so everyone's happy. You'll be

32:29

watching your back on him's streets. Nah, Lawrence

32:31

is retired. Move to Switzerland. Hughie's running the

32:33

gang now and doesn't even seem bothered about

32:36

me, to be fair. I imagine

32:38

that'll change when this podcast comes out. Oh yeah, I'll

32:40

be laying low then, sure. Absolute

32:42

nightmare. Are you a boy Clark? Is it

32:44

OK with you releasing all this shit? Well,

32:46

Clark retired after putting Janet away. He said

32:48

he was less of a chief and more

32:50

of a bomb bro. Vape

32:52

bro now. Nisha's on the wagon. You

32:55

know, did that Angela replace him? Of

32:57

course, and although Angela refused to rehire

32:59

me, she did give me her blessing

33:01

for this podcast. Well, she said

33:04

you could do a podcast. I

33:06

think she was expecting another food one, to be

33:08

honest. I tell you what, the SW6 case is

33:10

still bugging her. I mean, sure, the SW5 gang

33:12

got arrested, but the casino money? It

33:15

somehow vanished into thin air. Never

33:17

to be seen again. And

33:20

so concludes the tale of Pat Springley from

33:22

the SW6 gang. I'd like to thank everyone

33:24

who- Is it what we do? What, what,

33:27

what, what, what, what, what, hold on. Yeah.

33:29

You said earlier that this Lawrence Geezer retired,

33:31

yeah? Just like you planned. Yep.

33:34

And wasn't the casino money supposed to be

33:36

his retirement fund? I've been saying this

33:38

for months, because you're wasting your breath. Yeah,

33:40

Adams is always like, hey, if I didn't

33:42

steal the money, then how come everyone says the new

33:44

SW6 hedge queue is meant as hell? Because

33:47

Lawrence literally caused a distraction when he

33:49

pointed that gun at you. Yeah? It

33:52

was all for show. That's why

33:54

he hasn't hunted you down since. My mother's fronting.

33:56

Only four crew members were present at the shootout. Any other

33:59

SW6 who could- a sweep in, maybe in

34:01

disguise, and grab those bags. Uh, Ron,

34:03

because the CCTV footage showed that a

34:05

group of police officers picked up those

34:07

bags and loaded them safely into an

34:09

armoured police car. And one of those

34:11

officers was the one who shot Lawrence in the

34:13

arm, so... Wow,

34:15

this is clear as day. Any

34:17

other losers to tie up? Cos I don't want to be sick of them

34:19

like this when I log off. Uh, everything went

34:21

back to club comedy and still hates the audience.

34:24

Cita got maps from the on-site psychologist out of

34:26

prison then flew to Hollywood. She

34:28

represents Kung Fu, Patna now. Surpeko's

34:30

no longer on the books though. Is

34:32

it she never lacked in classes in Soho? Cita

34:35

left him the house and he let me move in

34:37

with him. So it was bye-bye toll booth and hello

34:39

I bared my ex-wife and her new lover most likely

34:41

had sex in for the first time. And

34:43

Donna? What is she still calling her

34:45

scummy? Big time. She's still keeping a close

34:47

eye on me too. In fact, when we announced

34:50

this podcast she set up a fake tick

34:52

starter campaign claiming to be funding the whole thing.

34:54

It looked proper legit, a lot of people sent her their

34:57

money. Yeah, including Pat. Well it

34:59

was a worthy cause. What about a huge

35:01

delis? Cita get my iJ in law? Jesus

35:06

Christ. Uh, thank

35:08

you everyone for listening. Especially the people who

35:10

opened their wallets and funded this thing. This

35:12

is Pat Springley saying, even if you think

35:14

you've pleased all the people all the time,

35:16

there's always a chance you might have forgotten

35:18

about someone and ruined a good man's life

35:20

forever. Adam's from the

35:22

prison. He's done a 10 stretch by now. This is

35:24

really bad. The

35:29

rusted conveyor you see before you used

35:31

to be in confident motion from sunup

35:33

to sundown, every inch of

35:35

its surface obscured by a newly assembled

35:37

ring binder. You've

35:39

witnessed every stage until now, but

35:41

this is my favourite. When the

35:43

product becomes fully realised and knows

35:45

what it truly is. From

35:48

here, each ring binder is shipped to

35:50

its final destination, where it will live

35:52

out its life, helping mankind as God

35:54

intended. Thank you for visiting

35:56

us today. And if you'd care to leave A

35:59

donation at the door, thank. Would be very much

36:01

appreciated as we sadly the the. This

36:04

is Ulysses, the totally

36:06

ridiculous, satisfying and organized

36:08

candidates. Finally

36:22

was written by on staff tanks

36:25

a cast. It featured the voices

36:27

of Chloe Paths Don't Police as

36:29

limb month apart so huge and

36:31

Jets be on. Some

36:34

fall half Hughes team a bomb

36:36

Louis for Rose my comment his

36:39

mouth was the most of the

36:41

custody of I will bet on

36:43

this Kumar potato filled and filled

36:45

one Sandy Clark and Cindy the

36:48

in a studio against was just

36:50

has to Jokes were by. So

36:53

many lives since. He

36:56

crosby those chance to some. Thanks

36:59

to everyone you back to the

37:01

kickstarter include an executive producers Brian past

37:03

seventy two boys to dangers wound

37:05

up smells nice Stephen basically and also

37:08

to a task for happiness as part

37:10

of the A cast. Create a

37:12

network of original music is my number

37:14

and sound design. It's like Charlie

37:16

Brandon take the system produces with Katie

37:19

Santa I'm a Tesla Tommaso The

37:21

producer was Lindsay. Thousand and Spring

37:23

least some Mighty Bunny production. Fucked

37:53

Up The seventh. month

38:00

It isn't no one. It is... We're

38:03

gonna get you again tomorrow, you bit! No,

38:05

we will! We know how to

38:07

battle. I wish you well.

38:10

You used to well. I... I... I...

38:14

I wish you well, my darling. Tired

38:20

of ads crashing your comedy podcast

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