0:09

Hi, he's Dave Schumke and he's

0:11

Graham Clark and together we host

0:13

Stop Podcasting Yourself. Hello

0:23

everybody and welcome to episode number 819 of

0:25

Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and

0:27

with me as always is a man who

0:30

every time I see him in denim I love it

0:32

more and more, Mr. Dave Schumke. Yeah,

0:35

um, everybody in denim, was that

0:37

a Gap campaign? Yeah, yeah. Or

0:39

Levi's? No, Gap. I feel

0:41

like it was Gap and it was maybe, I want to

0:44

say it was Missy Elliott and Madonna, but they

0:46

were, no, they sang Get Into The Groove because

0:48

they were talking about corduroy. Yes. Everybody

0:50

in corduroy, but they Gap did a big

0:53

everybody in blank, everybody in khaki. Fall into

0:55

the Gap. Gap. Fall into the

0:57

Gap between the two whales of your corduroy.

1:00

When's the last time you actually set

1:02

foot in a Gap? Ooh,

1:05

well, recently because children's clothes.

1:09

Ah, yeah. Gap kids. Yeah.

1:12

Nothing beats it. And also, you know what? I have

1:14

a, I currently am wearing a pair of Gap pajamas.

1:16

Not currently, but in the rotation. What's

1:20

your sleep rotation? Just

1:22

whatever shirt I happen to be wearing that day and

1:24

then that goes in the wash and then. Do

1:27

you wear a pajama? No. Oh,

1:29

okay. No, no, I'm not a pajama

1:31

jammer. You just, you just underwear? Yeah,

1:33

just underwear and shirt. Real

1:35

good look when you're walking around the apartment. Just the

1:37

underwear and the shirt. Now, when's the last time you

1:39

were in the Gap? It

1:42

was years and years ago. I went to

1:44

Metro Town and walked through a Gap just

1:46

for old times' sake. Yeah. Around

1:49

Halloween. You know what I like in downtown

1:51

Victoria? There's that two floor Gap. Oh,

1:54

I've never been. Yeah, you go up the stairs to the second floor

1:56

of the Gap. Big high ceilings in

1:58

that Gap. Do

2:01

you know about that gap? I

2:04

went to university in Victoria for like four and a

2:06

half, five years. Never been into

2:08

that gap. Oh man. Yeah, apparently you gotta

2:10

see it. I was missing out. I was missing out. You

2:12

don't learn what you need to learn. I'm like, I

2:14

truly have no memory of even ever entering a gap. Really?

2:17

Yeah. I started

2:19

getting really nervous when I was like, is this

2:21

going to be the topic of conversation? Yeah, for

2:24

a while. Some of my most bodacious

2:26

memories are entering a gap. Our

2:31

guest today. Our guest today, very funny comedian.

2:33

You will be able to see him in

2:35

London. If you're in London, the good

2:37

London, not London, Ontario, the real deal London

2:40

at the Soho Theatre two nights

2:42

from now? Yeah, November

2:44

29th. Nice. Well,

2:46

we miss you already. It's Alistair Ogden. Hello.

2:49

Thank you for having me. Very excited to be here. Well,

2:51

we're excited to have you here. This is a dream come

2:53

true. Yeah. Okay, maybe don't laugh

2:55

that hard. Yeah. No, no, no. We've

2:58

always been, as a theme month, we're trying to

3:00

get guests who have never been to the

3:03

gap and you came right

3:05

up. Actually, you, honestly, I

3:09

would have pegged you as having gone to the mini

3:11

gap. Yeah. No offense.

3:15

Should we get to Noah's? Yes. We

3:18

get to Noah's. Alistair,

3:21

this is your first time here on the podcast. Yes.

3:24

You were previously a Vancouverite,

3:27

previously a Victoriaite. Yes. And

3:29

now a Torontonian. Yeah, I think a Victorian. I'm sorry. I'm

3:33

sorry. I apologize. You are apology

3:35

callers. How do you like it? How

3:38

do you like the big smoke, the big city? I

3:42

really love Toronto. Tell me your two. Five

3:45

favorite things. Yeah, five favorite things. Give me

3:47

the five, boy. Five

3:50

best vibes. Yeah, five best vibes. Five,

3:53

like, secret, you know, only local.

3:55

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've only

3:57

been there for like six months. You

4:00

didn't even have any secrets yet? Yeah. I

4:02

mean, one per month. Yeah. Any secrets? Um,

4:06

I, well, I love a good coffee

4:08

shop. OK. I love a good bagel shop. Oh, yeah.

4:10

I guess when you left Vancouver, we don't have coffee

4:13

shops. There's no coffee

4:15

here. Um, I

4:17

went to, I, for the beginning of my

4:19

stay there, I was living up on

4:21

St. Clair, St. Clair in Oakwood, and there's

4:23

a very good bagel shop there called Primrose

4:25

Bagel. OK. Highly recommended if you're in Toronto.

4:27

Where do you get bagel here? Bagels are

4:29

not good here. Uh, the ones

4:32

at Solley's are pretty good. Yeah, they're fine.

4:34

Yeah. But apparently the person

4:36

who owns it is not a good person.

4:38

No, but you know, if I cut that

4:40

out, then what am I gonna eat? I know.

4:42

I would buy, that's where I bought my

4:44

Bobcat. Last five, six times I've been there, no

4:47

Bobcat. No, oh, OK. So, you know, I

4:49

just should pull me once. Pull

4:51

me six times. The

4:53

one, I think, that the owner is

4:56

around the most has new employees

4:58

every time I go. Oh, everyone does. They all

5:00

do. Yeah. It's,

5:03

when I ask, hey, do you have any Bobcat or there's no

5:05

shrug? I've never heard of this thing. It's

5:08

my first day in the country. The

5:12

thing I would say about Vancouver Bagels, my hot

5:14

take, is that they're too hard. So many of

5:16

the bagels I've had in Vancouver are dead. Yeah,

5:19

I want a chewy bagel. Yeah, at

5:21

Primrose, soft as a feather. You know

5:23

how you love to eat feathers. Yeah,

5:25

multiple feathers covered in cream cheese.

5:28

That's why I had to go to the sleep disorders cleaning. I

5:31

was always just waking up with feathers in my mouth. OK,

5:35

so good bagels, that's one. That's one. Hot

5:38

tip, Primrose bagels. Yes.

5:43

Now, by the way, you're under obligation

5:45

to give us five. I know you think we're

5:47

going to let you. Four

5:49

more, four more hot takes on

5:51

Toronto. Well, I'm trying to save,

5:53

I know what my number one is, I'm trying to figure out.

5:57

Me too. I'll

6:00

say I got a job in Toronto as

6:02

a tour guide on a boat. Oh shit! This

6:05

is great! I feel like I've never been here before. I

6:07

don't know what any of this stuff is. So

6:10

I'm going to say, I'm going to kill sort

6:12

of like two birds with one stone. I'm going

6:15

to say number three is

6:17

going on a boat in the Toronto Harbour and

6:19

number four, or no, oh. Oh

6:21

yeah. You're on, you've

6:23

got four, you're skipping to three and then

6:26

you're going to go back to the wheel. Four is

6:28

on a boat. Okay, four is on a boat in

6:30

the Harbour. And then, three is the boat. And then

6:32

what do you have to, I want to hear about

6:34

this boat. Oh yeah, the boat, yeah. You

6:37

have a script. Are you improvising? Are you doing

6:39

crowd work? What are you doing? I'm kind of

6:41

doing all three. Oh cool, okay. They gave me

6:43

a script and it was kind of one of

6:46

the most boring pieces of literature I've ever read

6:48

in my life. Because really there's not that

6:50

much interesting stuff on the surface of

6:52

Toronto. Right. You know? It

6:55

was kind of fire. I mean, I feel like that's just

6:57

because anytime you're kind of doing

6:59

a historical tour of a place that is

7:01

like, I don't know. Like

7:03

less than a hundred years old? Yeah,

7:05

at least like the, yeah, the actual,

7:08

all the buildings I'm talking about, it's

7:10

like this is our oldest building. It's

7:12

the Skydome. Yeah,

7:15

exactly. This was built

7:17

all the way back in 1989. Do

7:21

we have anybody here born in the year 1989? Yeah.

7:25

And then what do you do? Do you ask? Were

7:27

you like, hey, has anybody here ever been to

7:29

Bla and then make fun of them for it?

7:33

Tour guide destroyed it. Well, usually the

7:35

main struggle, the main struggle, it was

7:37

getting anyone to listen to me at

7:39

all. Okay. Because a lot of the people

7:41

who are on these tours, number one, they don't

7:44

even know that it's a narrated tour. Yeah, they mostly do.

7:47

They got on the boat because they wanted a French. Go

7:52

on this romantic boat ride. No one will interrupt

7:54

us. Yeah, it's truly that felt I felt like

7:56

I was inconveniencing a lot of people and a

7:58

lot of people on these. rides did

8:00

not speak English at all.

8:03

Especially the most

8:06

angry was when there was a huge group of

8:08

tourists from Quebec. They were very

8:10

annoyed that I was not bilingual. And

8:13

I said for $20 an

8:15

hour I am not able to

8:17

be bilingual. I'm not even going to

8:19

try. You're not a pilot for Air

8:21

Canada? Yeah. You don't need to. There

8:23

you go. I'm giving you a pass. Because

8:25

you don't even have to go to Quebec for a

8:28

good bagel. You already got that locked down. You never

8:30

had that. I mean you might get an argument. Yes.

8:36

And so most of the time

8:38

I would talk about Billy Bishop Airport, which

8:40

is the airport that's right downtown

8:43

on the Toronto Island. And I would go

8:45

a round of applause if

8:47

anybody flew into Toronto and you get a little

8:49

smattering. A round of applause if you took the

8:51

train in or the bus.

8:54

And then the biggest laugh I would

8:56

always get is I go a round

8:58

of applause if you're not listening to

9:00

me at all. Nice. And everyone's like,

9:02

yeah. Could you stop? Could you please

9:06

stop? Yeah. So I've always thought that that was a cool

9:09

job. When I was a kid and I would go with

9:11

my family on a bus tour,

9:14

I was always like, man, that

9:16

job seems really cool. The person who stands at the

9:18

front and tells us all the stuff. I

9:20

think I was aiming low as a kid. Yeah. I

9:22

think that might have been your

9:25

first comedy influence. Yeah.

9:28

I remember telling my dad once, we were

9:30

pulling out of a parkade and I was like,

9:32

huh, whoever gets to sit in that booth, that's

9:34

pretty cool. That's a pretty cool job. Aim

9:37

higher. It's

9:42

funny because sometimes people would be really nice to

9:44

me. They almost treat me like a celebrity or

9:46

something because I'm doing the tour guide. That's fun.

9:49

But then sometimes they'll just get me

9:51

to take a photo with them or whatever. And then one person, he

9:53

was really talking to me and he was like, oh, you know,

9:55

does this all you do? I was like, no, I do stand

9:57

up as well. And he's like, oh, that's amazing. I

10:00

really believe in you, blah, blah, blah, all this stuff. Got

10:03

my Instagram and then became very

10:05

apparent with

10:08

his DMs on Instagram that he was very much trying

10:10

to get me to join a pyramid scheme. Of

10:13

course, yes. Yeah, he said,

10:15

just have a Zoom meeting with me. It

10:17

won't be longer than an hour. That's

10:21

less than I, more than I

10:23

talked on the tour. Exactly. I

10:26

would like, I'd be interested in joining a pyramid

10:28

scheme if I can join at the middle or

10:30

top. Yeah, yeah, you gotta

10:32

get in on the top. I don't wanna

10:34

have to get any people, I don't wanna

10:36

recruit anyone, but I wanna have passive income.

10:38

Yeah, I would be okay with recruiting two

10:41

people and then sending them out the world

10:43

and then just watching. No, I wouldn't be.

10:45

No? I'd feel guilty. Would

10:47

you ever be part of a Ponzi

10:49

scheme? Mm, that's very interesting. What's the

10:52

difference? Ponzi scheme is that

10:54

you're, as far as I know, you're

10:57

giving money to people, it's not

10:59

your money. So you give me your money, I

11:01

give it to Alistair, but there's no, it's not

11:03

like a bank, I don't have reserve. I

11:06

just take the money from you

11:09

and not give it to him. You

11:12

just take my money. Yeah, you tell everybody that

11:14

their money's increasing in value. Yes. But

11:17

really, you just have all of it. Yeah. And you're just

11:19

diving into it. And then people start to like. Exactly.

11:21

And some people, they start pulling out and

11:25

then it crashes because they

11:27

don't have the money to pay back.

11:29

Yeah. Yeah. That's a shame.

11:31

Yeah, I mean. Bernie Madoff in our hearts

11:33

and our minds. Yeah, Kevin Bacon was part

11:35

of that. He was? Yeah, he

11:37

lost all his money. Really? Well, maybe not all of

11:40

it. Probably had some of it in, you know. He

11:42

never touched his foot loose money is what I say. Yeah. The

11:45

only, he just uses his stand up money.

11:50

So, okay. I mean, it would

11:52

be a good exercise to write

11:54

stand up jokes for celebrities

11:57

who don't do stand up. Yeah. In case they

11:59

have to take the. Jeremy Pivenrude. He

12:02

started appearing at comedy

12:04

clubs. It's always like, have

12:06

you ever been on a show with somebody that

12:08

like, I'm going to say an example to Steve-O,

12:11

not a guy that's like known for

12:13

stand up but has been doing stand up. Have

12:15

you ever been on a show with somebody like, I don't know,

12:18

this person actually does stand up, but I feel

12:20

like I was on a show with

12:22

Screech. There's a girl. So that's Screech.

12:25

Oh my God. Oh my God. This guy was born in 1989.

12:28

Have you ever heard of a little show called

12:30

Saved by the Bell? Yeah. Yeah.

12:34

Screech is the, he played Screech on Saved by the Bell. He

12:37

played his bell. He played Screech on

12:39

Saved by the Bell. Press and Peace

12:41

Screech. That's right. Screech passed away. I

12:44

love that you don't know who Screech is. I'm

12:47

really feeling the generation now. He was telling me before

12:49

the show he used to listen to this show. Who?

12:52

Screech? Oh yeah. Yeah. He

12:56

was telling me before the show and

12:58

not know who Screech is. Okay.

13:02

So this guy was on Saved by the

13:04

Bell. And then

13:06

he got into stand

13:08

up a bit and then I

13:10

opened for him at the, I think it was still a

13:12

Yacht-Yex back then. And I wanted my

13:15

picture taken with him. And this was before

13:17

everybody had a phone

13:19

with a camera on it. Yeah. And

13:21

so he got like a Polaroid and then he charged me

13:24

$7. Oh my god. And he

13:26

said, you know how it is? And I was like, I truly don't.

13:31

Did he take the picture and then charge you? Yeah. Well,

13:34

you could have just not paid. Yeah,

13:36

but then he's still out of picture. He said he

13:38

doesn't want it. It's my Fonzie scheme. Yeah. Even

13:41

$7 is so specific. I know. I

13:43

think he's probably five in America, but

13:45

there's the conversion rate. Yeah.

13:49

Yeah. Well, that's

13:51

one in the generation gap, Ben. Yeah.

13:54

Oh boy. What are the

13:56

late 80s, early 90s nerds do you know?

14:00

Yeah, I've heard of Angela Merkel. Yeah,

14:05

big Angela Merkel. Who else?

14:08

Who's a famed nerd? Revenge of the Nerds

14:10

were the early 80s. Have

14:13

you received one of those? No.

14:18

Okay. Alright. What

14:22

is your program that you'd watch even though

14:24

it was crappy because it was just there?

14:26

You didn't have anything to do because you

14:28

were a kid. Is there anything like that?

14:31

Yeah. I want to know.

14:33

I want to know. There's going to be something for like 2011. Two and a

14:35

half men. It's something for 2011. Getting

14:37

home after school. Just laugh the day away.

14:39

Yeah. That was the show that

14:41

taught me that there's only three types of men.

14:52

Yeah. That's right. There's

14:55

the stud. There's the... The

14:57

wimp. The wimp or a child. Yeah. Those are the

14:59

three types of men. I mean, provide me with another.

15:01

I mean, I think... Okay. So

15:03

in this room, I mean,

15:07

Alice or the stud. I

15:09

got to say, between you and me, I'm

15:11

the wimp and you're the child. Yeah.

15:16

Okay. Yeah,

15:19

but that's exactly what I was talking

15:21

about. I watched every episode of Home

15:23

Improvement despite not liking Home Improvement whatsoever.

15:26

Just because it was there and I had nothing but time.

15:29

Now I feel like I'm getting cheated out of that type

15:31

of... I have to watch something that's good with

15:34

my viewing time. My life changed so much

15:36

that I don't have this habit anymore. I

15:39

remember when How I Met Your Mother was on TV

15:41

and I never watched it. It just never lined up

15:43

with my schedule. But everyone said it was

15:46

good and I was like, oh, I'll just watch it in

15:48

reruns later at four o'clock in the afternoon

15:50

later in my life. And

15:52

that hasn't happened. Four PM,

15:54

you could have some pizza pops and then just...

15:56

Yeah. That's what I was going to

15:59

do. I feel like

16:01

Howard Met Your Mother, I don't know this for

16:03

sure. I haven't watched that much of it, but

16:05

I feel like it's one of those shows that

16:07

doesn't quite hold up. There's a lot of the

16:09

plot points are like Barney trying

16:11

to hook up with women. Right. He

16:14

was the horny character. That's the other type of man.

16:16

Why wouldn't that hold up? It's horny man. I

16:19

mean, that's something that's eternal. I don't know why

16:21

that covers all three of us. Well,

16:23

if I'm the child, should I be horny? I

16:29

mean, there's no should about it. But

16:31

if you're a horny child, I mean,

16:33

I hope you have resources. You

16:36

can someone to talk. I'd love to see your

16:38

face in that quote on the t-shirt. If

16:42

I'm a child, is it okay to be horny? It's

16:44

a picture of you and the boy from Two and a

16:46

Half Men. Me

16:50

hanging out just outside the doors of Chuck E.

16:52

Cheese or something like that. Where's

16:55

it going to make the most impact? Oh my

16:57

gosh. Should I finish my list of Toronto's? Yeah.

17:00

Three was the island. Three was the island. Four,

17:02

you skipped over four. No, four was the boat.

17:04

Three is the boat. Three is Toronto Island. Yeah.

17:07

And then two, I'm going to... What do you like

17:09

about the island? The nude beach? Is that there? The

17:11

nude beach is there. Is there a zoo

17:13

there? Yeah. Yeah, I

17:15

haven't been to... There's like a little amusement park

17:17

called Centreville. Okay. Is that nude?

17:20

The animals are all this for children. It's

17:24

far away from the nude beach. But

17:27

yeah, and mostly I just went there with some friends

17:29

and... Have you been to the nude

17:31

beach? I have not yet. Okay.

17:34

Have you ever been to a nude beach? Yeah, I've been to

17:36

rec beach. Have you been nude there? No. Okay.

17:40

I was too scared. Yeah. I

17:42

always really just do what people mean to you for being... Not

17:44

nude? Yeah. Because

17:46

I've never been or maybe I went as a very

17:48

small child. But

17:51

I've heard that I think at night people

17:54

go and party there. But in the daytime people are

17:56

very like... Very nude? Very, very

17:58

nude. Yeah. Actually,

18:01

I think I slept on refuge once don't

18:03

sleep on a man. No, it was yeah, it's on my

18:05

top five list Do not sleep on this When

18:08

I was like maybe 19 or something I

18:10

had some friends at UBC was like

18:13

just before the university year started and we

18:15

went to like a frat party Terrible

18:17

time we're all dressed as like like

18:20

like characters from the outsiders, you know, like greasers

18:22

No reason. I don't really remember the context of

18:24

all this I just remember it was like we

18:26

were like oh it's gonna be like a frat

18:28

party for the movies or something And it was

18:30

just a bunch of guys playing beer pong and

18:32

I have in a really dirty house Yeah,

18:36

yeah, that is what frat parties

18:38

I think are actually like most

18:41

of the time Yeah, cuz in

18:43

movies everybody's there there's music

18:45

and dancing and right

18:47

like yeah Yeah, absolutely. I picture when was

18:49

beer pong invented? Cuz

18:52

I very shortly after ping pong Cuz

18:54

I went to college and there's a lot of beer and people

18:57

like drank it out of the big funnel and

18:59

stuff But I never witnessed a single

19:01

ping pong ball interesting Yeah,

19:03

that is a question. Did you did you go

19:05

to UVic? I went to UVic, right? Yeah, you

19:07

as well. Yeah, I did Yeah, I major it

19:10

in the gap Mostly

19:13

I remember because I used to write for the

19:15

student newspaper the Martlet the Martlet Yeah, I used

19:17

to write for the Martlet and I also read

19:19

wrote some stuff for the alumni magazine And I

19:21

was always trying to find out which

19:23

comedians had gone to you then I know that

19:26

about you. Oh sure the What

19:29

would you write in this this year paper

19:32

in the Martlet? I

19:34

mean all sorts of like Alistair's tape

19:36

I Wrote a

19:38

couple of like humor things before I started stand-up

19:41

That was kind of what sort of led me

19:43

towards that and then also I think my most

19:45

controversial thing I think I got read by the

19:47

most people was about This

19:49

like anti GMO speaker Oh, I'm going

19:52

to speak at the University and then

19:54

there was some like a grad student at the

19:56

University who was necessarily like

19:59

pro GMO but sort of like

20:01

anti-misinformation. I was like, you

20:04

know, talking about the debate essentially

20:06

between. Wow. Were you a

20:08

journalism student or something? I studied creative writing.

20:10

So yeah, I was sort of into journalism

20:12

for a while and I wrote

20:14

for Victoria Buzz. Oh yeah, they're good.

20:18

Is that like, I think it's free on the bus? Sort

20:21

of, it's like the Victoria equivalent of

20:23

Daily Hive. Oh, Daily Hive, okay. Oh,

20:25

okay. But then jobs

20:27

like that, it's like you're writing stuff but

20:30

mostly you're just like a social media manager and then

20:32

that became my day job after that essentially. Nice.

20:36

Well, we're looking for, this isn't going

20:38

on the show. We're just

20:40

recording this for posterity, but yeah, this is

20:42

an interview. We're looking for a social media

20:44

manager. What is

20:46

TikTok? TikTok

20:50

is a place. Don't answer. The

20:53

best place on Earth. And so

20:55

you fell asleep on the beach? Yeah, I

20:57

fell asleep on Rec Beach. That's a real hobo

20:59

action. Because I live

21:01

in Port Moody. My parents live in Port

21:03

Moody and there was no bus to take us back. Oh,

21:06

sure. Couldn't sleep in the Sprat House and so

21:08

there's a little cohort of us from Port Moody.

21:11

We just decided we're all gonna curl up on our

21:13

leather jackets and sleep on Rec Beach. Oh yeah, I

21:15

forgot that you were dressed as the outside. What?

21:19

Okay, the number two

21:21

thing about Geronimo. I

21:25

know, because I know he has a number one. I

21:27

know, I don't know. Number two, I'm gonna go with

21:29

Jerking. Jerking. Jerking. And

21:32

that's my number two. That's actually my number

21:34

one thing. Is

21:36

this the Jamaican restaurant? Yeah, the Jamaican restaurant. It's

21:38

open until like 4 a.m. every night. And do

21:40

they know that it sounds like jerking? I'm sure

21:43

they do. The people who work

21:45

there, the people who work there are some of

21:47

the most resilient people in the city, I would

21:49

say, because they are dealing

21:51

with everybody from

21:53

midnight until 4 a.m. Yeah, 1 a.m. to 4 a.m.

21:57

Well, because the food there is very, very good.

21:59

It's like in. Vancouver if you're getting food

22:01

anything past like 10 or 11 p.m. The

22:03

quality really drops off a cliff Oh, you

22:05

talk about choppers is over till 12. Yeah

22:11

You know energy drink But

22:14

yeah, they have very good jerk chicken and I

22:16

so I'll go there after after a show usually

22:18

well You know what their secret is they're

22:20

on island time Interesting also

22:23

they're jerking up Number

22:26

one number one is comedy bar To

22:31

celebrate their 15th birthday. They did. Yeah, did

22:33

you go to where you invited to the

22:35

ball? Did you dress like? It

22:39

was while I was on tour so I wasn't

22:41

I wasn't there for the 15th anniversary unfortunately But

22:43

it'll be there for the next one 30th. There's a

22:46

further 30th. Yeah. Yeah Do

22:48

you and what in Toronto you living with

22:51

people living by yourself? I'm living with a bunch

22:53

of other comedians Oh, that's gonna be a healthy

22:55

atmosphere Well, it kind

22:57

of it's been pretty good so far I've only been

22:59

there since the beginning of September And

23:02

it is nice. It's like all of us

23:05

like there's four of us

23:07

who do stand up and one guy who doesn't

23:09

do stand-up and And

23:11

he's waking up every morning at 7 a.m. Going

23:15

to the you know During the rat

23:17

race he he likes it because he's

23:19

basically got the house to yeah, like

23:22

seven and three. Yeah, essentially But yeah,

23:24

all of us all all of us

23:26

are kind of like working

23:28

comedians more or less so there's no one who's

23:30

like I don't know

23:32

super falling behind or there's no weird

23:35

tension around like oh, how come how come you

23:37

got booked to do this? And I didn't get booked to

23:39

do that. Yeah, I have a lot of that. Yeah. Yeah,

23:42

I just usually break something when I'm

23:44

yeah Yeah, it just smashes love language

23:47

Smashing. Yeah Um,

23:50

yeah, I guess I mean I lived

23:52

with a comedian or two in my day and

23:55

it was not bad But I

23:57

could see it being I don't know seems a

23:59

long run Yeah, we'll see.

24:01

I've only been there for a couple months and now

24:03

I am kind of like out of town for most

24:05

of November and part of December.

24:07

You going on tour? Yeah, that's

24:09

why I'm here. Oh yeah, you're

24:11

on tour. I'm on tour. Yeah,

24:14

you get to stay at your folks

24:16

place or? I'm actually house sitting and

24:18

dog sitting for a friend at the

24:20

moment, downtown-ish. So yeah, it's nice.

24:23

I've never had a pet before. No?

24:26

Yeah, so dogs, I'm getting used to

24:29

all this stuff. I'm sure people who own dogs just

24:31

like are used to all this stuff, but I am

24:33

very getting used to it. What's the biggest culture shock

24:35

thing? Mostly just that you

24:37

need 101 of them to make a coat. There's

24:42

that. Yeah, I need to get a bunch more of them. But

24:47

also the hardest part for me is

24:49

like every time I

24:52

leave her, like I'll take her out for

24:54

a walk, we'll go have fun, I'll feed

24:56

her and then like to go do this

24:58

podcast today. She's eating and then I'm like,

25:01

I have to leave and she just turns and looks

25:03

at me like you're betraying

25:05

me. Yeah. You're

25:08

betraying me. I guess they're puppy dog

25:10

eyes. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so that's hard.

25:12

Wait, you left the dog while I

25:14

was eating? Oh

25:17

yeah, it's like a gremlin. Watch

25:19

out, watch out. Well,

25:24

I've owned dogs for I guess it's like

25:26

17 years total and

25:30

there's new stuff all the time. Yeah. Would

25:33

you ever get a pet based on this little

25:35

adventure? I don't think so.

25:38

I think just because it's

25:40

a lot of work, it's a lot of work

25:42

and also the amount of stand

25:45

up that I'm doing at the moment, it doesn't really

25:47

make sense. You can create some sort of act where

25:49

you have a dog with you. It's kind of a

25:51

thing. It's kind of an Eliza Schlesinger thing. Yeah, yeah,

25:54

yeah. It's a, what is it? Is

25:56

that an Eliza Schlesinger thing? Yeah, she brings

25:58

her chihuahua with her. doesn't she? Yeah, at the

26:00

end of her special one of them.

26:03

It comes out on stage at the end.

26:05

Okay, I didn't know you guys were big

26:07

Eliza. You know, you watched the entire Eliza.

26:10

Right, we fast forward to

26:12

the end. They're big, slashin'

26:14

their heads. Dave

26:18

discovered her first, he turned me onto

26:20

her. Yeah. Been a fan

26:22

ever since, really. Okay. Great riff. I

26:31

was walking my dog the other day, and

26:35

my dogs are very backyard,

26:38

bathroom-centric. They never go

26:40

to the bathroom on a walk, but

26:43

I bring a bag just in case,

26:46

and one of my dogs did go, and I picked

26:48

it up. And my dogs are also

26:50

crazy. They hate other dogs. And

26:52

so I have to, if I'm walking

26:54

both of them at the same time,

26:56

I have to make sure that they're,

26:59

they don't, you

27:01

know, attack on the dog. They're not gonna

27:03

attack, but they're just gonna pull me so

27:05

hard towards these other dogs. Yeah. And so

27:07

I'm holding them back. I've got a bag

27:09

of poop in my hand, and

27:13

I step off the sidewalk to let these other

27:15

dogs pass, and I'm kind

27:17

of standing in this bush area.

27:20

Not really, just like got some vines around me.

27:22

Yeah, yeah. And then these dogs jungle vines.

27:24

So these dogs pass, and I start walking, and

27:27

my foot is hooked on a vine. Oh,

27:29

no. And I fall down and

27:32

break my fall on this bag of poop. Oh,

27:35

no! And it doesn't

27:39

burst or anything, but it's always a crazy,

27:41

I can't get the sensation out of my, how

27:44

do you, what do you even call that?

27:46

I can't shake the feeling out of my

27:48

hand. Like a ghost, you know, ghost limb.

27:50

Yeah, a phantom limb. Phantom

27:53

poop. And then people walking past

27:55

me are like, are you okay?

27:57

And like psychologically.

28:00

I don't know. Someone across the street

28:02

asked if I was okay and I was like, just

28:04

leave me. Let me just leave me. Don't

28:07

look at me. Leave me on the ground.

28:12

Yeah, I remember when I fell and broke my

28:15

hand, a man standing there watched me

28:17

and didn't offer any help and walked

28:19

away. Did you need help? Yes. Oh,

28:22

okay. I felt that I broke my hand. I

28:24

know, but you're having trouble getting back up. Oh, sure, you don't

28:26

need both hands. You

28:28

can walk with two hands. No walking, sure. But

28:30

he saw it happen. He didn't even go like,

28:33

hey, are you okay? He just stared at me

28:35

and then walked away. I'll

28:37

watch someone wipe out and then wait

28:40

for them to make sure they're okay. But I won't

28:42

say anything because I'm like, they

28:45

don't want me to know. They don't want

28:47

any attention. This is embarrassing for them. Yeah,

28:49

exactly. But you know what? Maybe that

28:51

guy is a really nice guy.

28:53

Maybe I just need to give him

28:56

a chance. Yeah, like I saw this person,

28:58

you know, they were riding their bike and

29:00

someone opened their car door and the car

29:02

door hit the bike. The guy was flying

29:04

into a garbage truck and the garbage truck

29:07

drove away and crunched him into a million

29:09

pieces. Oh, I thought it would crunch him

29:11

into like a cube. Yeah, it was maybe

29:13

a cube, but he seemed fine. You

29:17

were looking at me like I was telling a true story. I

29:20

wanted to know where it was going to go. Cube. I

29:23

feel like maybe it's a, in Vancouver you

29:26

do get kind of desensitized to seeing people,

29:28

I don't know, lying down on the street.

29:30

Yeah, that's true. You're kind

29:32

of like, oh, he just wants to

29:34

be there. Yeah, it's horrible. But I

29:36

guess like years and years ago, I

29:39

was, the transit system

29:41

was on strike. Yeah. So I

29:43

had to walk from the place I was living to the

29:46

rec beach to go to sleep. Yeah, and I would be naked the

29:48

whole time. I'd like to get

29:50

naked while I'm there. This is

29:53

how I live, man. And I

29:55

would, on the walk home, which was like a

29:57

two hour and 15 minute walk, I

29:59

would. I would sleep somewhere. I'd get in

30:01

a little. Oh, really? Yeah. Whoa.

30:04

Get an alcove or something like that. Whoa. That

30:06

was like, yeah, almost five hours of walking every

30:08

day. Oh my gosh. Yeah. But

30:11

yeah, sometimes we'd be like, I want a

30:13

nap. Like I'm bored of walking, so. Yeah.

30:16

I had a way to have her in my life. I had that urge.

30:19

I also did it during the pandemic. I went and slept on

30:21

a bench in the park just for a change of- Chad, I

30:23

understand a bit more. Change of the journey. Wow.

30:26

Because you weren't going anywhere, but like if I'm going somewhere,

30:28

I'm not, I'm not like, I'm

30:30

a fricking tortoise man. I ain't no hare.

30:32

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't

30:36

that what the hare does? He takes a nap?

30:38

Yeah. Yeah. And then

30:40

the tortoise wins, but he's empty inside. He

30:43

doesn't have any family to share the win

30:45

with. Oh, is that, there's another message for

30:47

that? No. No.

30:50

You have it there. No, there's too many morals at

30:52

the end of the day. Yeah. Yeah.

30:55

Yeah. What

30:59

is this called? Aesop fables? I think so.

31:01

Yeah. So

31:03

we've all, you've slept on a beach.

31:06

I slept on concrete. Dave has what's

31:08

left anyway. I haven't slept anywhere in

31:10

public. Oh, I know. Not

31:13

even at a beach. You don't even have an auto. Actually,

31:15

the campground, does that count? Were you in

31:17

a tent? No. Oh,

31:19

okay. Yeah. You slept outside?

31:21

Yeah. It was, but I did

31:23

have like a thing to put my sleeping bag in,

31:25

like a big, like

31:27

a kind of a tarp,

31:30

a sleeping bag cover, like a condom

31:32

for your body. Oh yeah. That you

31:34

put your sleeping bag in to keep

31:36

it clean. Is that

31:38

a thing? Why did you do that? Cause

31:40

I was backpacking across Europe and I was

31:42

staying at hostels, except for three days when

31:45

I was at the Reading Music Festival in

31:47

Reading, England, and I was like, I'm not

31:49

bringing that fricking tent for

31:52

three nights after, you know. Like you don't

31:54

got to pack a tent around. Yeah, for

31:56

three months of traveling and only needed three

31:58

nights. That's way cooler than. me and Graham's story.

32:01

Someone got peed very close to me though. Have

32:07

you ever owned a sleeping bag? Because

32:10

I haven't. What? Well,

32:13

no, my parents and I haven't been camping since

32:15

I left home. I guess that's true.

32:17

I've only ever kind of bored my parents. Yeah.

32:20

I've never bought my own sleeping bag. Yeah. And

32:22

I don't think I will. I think I might go to the

32:25

rest of the house. What are those sleepovers? I just crawl into

32:27

bed with the other person's mom and dad. I

32:29

don't know. I have a

32:31

scary dream. What about like, you

32:34

know, you're dating and you think

32:36

tonight's the night. And

32:38

she's like, did you pack your sleeping bag? Yeah.

32:41

Because you're sleeping on the floor and I'm going

32:43

to upstairs. That reminds me of this very silly

32:46

story that I completely forgot about.

32:48

This is a fable. This is a fable.

32:52

Back when I was in university, in my

32:54

university days, you know, there

32:56

was, met some girl at a

32:58

party and then hung out with her and then

33:00

went over to her place, slept over at her

33:05

place. Crazy, crazy stuff.

33:07

And it was just like a one

33:09

time thing. Ended up being, but

33:12

not, yeah, no ill

33:14

will or anything. In fact, she is

33:16

still sort of like a, like a friend

33:18

of a friend, essentially. Sure. Or

33:21

like, yeah, a while ago at a wedding thing.

33:24

And she told my friend

33:26

and then my friend relayed to me that

33:29

from her perspective of that night, that night

33:31

that I slept over, I did not remember

33:33

that I had done this until she told

33:35

me is I showed up

33:38

at her place with a backpack.

33:42

And when you were getting into bed,

33:46

I changed it to some fuzzy

33:48

plaid pajama bottoms. Very presumptuous. Let

33:57

me change it to something a little more.

34:00

Were you living in the dorms that you picked? I

34:03

think this was when I was in a place. Oh,

34:06

okay. Because living in the dorms, fuzzy

34:08

plaid pajama bottoms are what you

34:10

wear everywhere. Yeah, yeah.

34:13

That's true. I

34:15

never lived at school. I

34:17

only commuted from my folk's place. That

34:21

sucks. I never lived in

34:23

a dorm and gone to a frat

34:25

party. Maybe I could

34:27

get to a frat party now. If

34:29

I tell them I'm dying, that's my wish. Shot

34:32

clean, I'm gonna come to your office. You

34:35

could be like Santa at a frat party. Yeah,

34:37

I like that. Okay. That's good. Then

34:40

that makes sense for you to be there. I was going to, I

34:43

was very interested a couple years ago in applying

34:45

to be a Santa, a mall Santa. Yeah,

34:48

yeah. But then I thought about how

34:50

much urine you would have to deal

34:52

with. It's actually a good amount. It's

34:55

a good healthy amount? Yes,

34:57

kind of the perfect amount of urine. Don't

35:03

they need real

35:05

beard Santas, real white beard Santas? Well, I

35:07

would have done some sort of color treatment

35:09

to make it white. Yeah,

35:11

but then it never came

35:13

up. You don't even like Christmas. No, I

35:15

don't. But I thought it was an easy way

35:17

to make a couple bucks just around

35:20

the holidays. Yeah, makes sense. We

35:22

also like a lot of them have to go to

35:24

like a school and learn how to do Santa stuff.

35:27

Oh, sure. Fly through the sky,

35:29

get that chimney, etc, etc. Just hear those

35:31

play bells jingling, ring, ting, tingling. Tame all

35:33

those reindeer. Yeah, exactly. They're wild and you

35:36

got to tape them. But

35:39

yeah, I totally. What's okay,

35:41

let's pretend, let's do a little role play. Here

35:43

we go. I'm... You

35:45

be me. Could I? You

35:48

be the boss. And I'm Dave.

35:51

I'm Graham. That's

35:54

really good. I'm

35:58

a kid and you're Santa. Okay.

36:01

Oh ho ho. Hello,

36:04

boy. Hi,

36:06

Santa. Hi.

36:09

Want to sit on my lap? Here I go. What

36:15

would you like for Christmas? You don't even want to know my name?

36:18

I'll get to that. Santa

36:20

knows your name. Who's my name? Hell

36:23

yes. You got lucky. Okay,

36:25

what do I want for Christmas?

36:27

How do you not know what

36:29

I want for Christmas? Oh,

36:33

because maybe you left some things off

36:35

your list. Or things that you're embarrassed

36:37

to show your mouth. Okay, I got

36:39

some embarrassing things. Go ahead. Butt

36:41

cream. For

36:51

my disease, butt. Okay, butt cream for

36:53

your disease, butt. And oh, by the

36:56

way, it's contagious and I'm sitting on

36:58

your lap. We got a 911 situation

37:00

order. It

37:03

goes through my pants. Through

37:06

my corduroy, fall into the gap. See,

37:10

I handled that pretty well. Yeah. I got the

37:12

elf involved, the card Elliott way. That's

37:15

what I was doing. I didn't say anything, but that's

37:17

what I was doing in my character. Yeah.

37:20

You were supervising the whole thing. Yeah, I was the

37:23

elf. Making sure it doesn't get out of hand. I

37:25

was being very professional. Yeah. Yeah. You

37:27

know when we need you on site. Yeah,

37:29

I was, for the listeners, I was acting

37:31

it all out. Yeah, and

37:33

it was convincing. Yeah, he was doing

37:35

the arm motion so the elf does

37:38

it. And also, maybe

37:41

he's holding on to a

37:43

water bottle for Santa or something like that. You're

37:48

holding my thumb for the next 12

37:50

hours. I picked up the kid and

37:53

I took him away, butt first, and then I

37:55

squirted water bottle in the Graham's mouth. Yeah. Oh,

37:58

yeah. Next round, take him. Throw

38:02

up your eye Cut

38:05

me, cut me What

38:07

is the, could you

38:09

be a Santa if they said you can't chew gum

38:11

for the whole time? I wouldn't make do with candy

38:13

canes Can

38:16

I smoke? Santa's

38:19

well, I've seen pictures of them with a pipe I

38:21

see a lot of Santas with white beards

38:23

and yellow mouth Santa

38:27

with a cigarette coming out of his mouth is quite a vibe

38:31

Have you seen Bad Santa? Are you

38:33

too young? I haven't seen Bad Santa I

38:36

only know Good Santa I

38:38

remember seeing Bad Santa but I don't People

38:41

act like it's a classic and I didn't

38:43

really do much I don't think it's on the rotation I

38:46

was surprised that Elf became a classic And I

38:48

was a huge Will Ferrell fan Yeah, you don't

38:50

get to decide Yeah, well

38:52

because of classic I

38:55

wouldn't have thought watching A Christmas Story

38:58

I thought that I was the only guy in

39:00

the world that knew about that movie Because

39:02

nobody else in my school or anything had seen it So

39:05

I was like, well this can't be And

39:07

none of your friends grew up in the 50s Well some

39:09

of them did I was running with this crowd called the

39:11

Outsiders Pony boy The

39:14

other one Jenny

39:16

Wine I

39:20

feel like, I mean, there's really not that

39:22

many Great Christmas movies

39:25

I feel like the bar is a little bit

39:27

lower Yeah, I

39:29

mean, compared to Halloween movies Spooky movies

39:32

Yeah, you got a lot more choice in the Spooky

39:34

Movie Department Do you have a favorite?

39:37

Holiday film Favorite holiday film Well Oh,

39:40

are we starting the holiday season early

39:42

here? Yeah, I've already put away the

39:44

Childish Day decorations My family, it feels

39:46

insane given the content of this movie

39:51

My family almost every year watches the movie Love

39:53

Actually Oh really? Yeah,

39:55

which I had

39:57

a very, like, sometimes you get decent

40:00

to this movie I found, but it is quite a graphic.

40:02

I don't know if it's like an R-rated movie, but I

40:04

feel like it should be, because one

40:06

of the first scenes in this movie, and

40:08

we decided to watch it with my 80-year-old

40:11

grandparents for some reason. Nothing better. Yeah, they've

40:13

seen it all before, though. But it's like

40:15

a, it's that scene where Martin Freeman and

40:17

the actress are like the nude fill-in models

40:19

for a movie set. Oh yeah. Yeah.

40:22

Yeah, my grandparents did not care for that at

40:24

all. It was the most

40:27

tense I've ever felt my family's

40:29

vibe really. We

40:31

just stopped watching the movie. And now this is the

40:33

awkward part of the show where we find out that

40:36

Alister's grandparents are the same age as my parents. Ha ha

40:38

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

40:40

ha ha ha ha ha ha. Who are, by the way,

40:42

very into nude Martin Freeman. Ha ha ha ha ha ha

40:44

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

40:46

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

40:48

ha ha. Yeah, I've seen it in

40:51

pieces, I think. I've never sat down and watched the

40:53

whole thing. But the

40:55

thing that's iconic to me is the

40:57

flipping pages when

40:59

what's his name shows up for? Rick Grimes

41:02

shows up. Yeah, for Natalie Portman?

41:05

No, not Natalie Portman. Keira Knightley? Keira Knightley.

41:07

To me, you are beautiful. Oh yeah, yeah. And the

41:09

first card says, at Christmas you always tell the truth.

41:12

I'm like, well. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

41:14

In fact, it's probably the opposite. If you get a

41:16

present you don't like. It is very funny watching that

41:18

movie. Like the more times you watch it, the more

41:20

you realize that some of these plot lines are just

41:23

completely insane. Also, my dad,

41:25

my dad, he just says the

41:27

most random stuff to me. My dad

41:29

is British, so I guess that's why.

41:31

He loves Richard Curtis, who

41:34

wrote the movie. Yeah, did he like Mr. V? Yeah,

41:36

yeah, yeah. I like that, yeah. Yeah, that's

41:38

cool. Your dad's cool. Yeah, your dad's cool. But

41:41

yeah, my dad told me, maybe a few months

41:43

ago, he was like, I love highbrow comedy.

41:48

We don't talk about sex or

41:50

drugs. It's just like observations on

41:52

life. And I was like, your

41:54

favorite movie is Love, this is

41:56

the most horny Christmas movie that ever possibly

41:59

is. Oh yeah. He loves the plot

42:01

line too of the sort of

42:03

dorky British guy who decides he's gonna go

42:05

to America to find out like a girlfriend

42:07

or whatever and then he gets to America

42:09

in the middle of Wisconsin or whatever and

42:12

then all these like hot models fall in

42:14

love with him. Oh, yeah I'm my dad's

42:16

favorite plot line. What is no way I'm

42:18

in this movie. There's a million. Yeah There's

42:20

one about a guy who wants to be

42:22

the Christmas The

42:24

hit of the Christmas season that Bill

42:27

Nye. Yes. Okay. Yeah, and there's

42:29

the Yeah, there's there's one with a little boy

42:31

in an airport and Liam Neeson. Yeah, I saw

42:34

I saw a deleted

42:36

scene from that plot line Okay Because you know

42:38

that they have the little kid and he does

42:40

the classic like running through the airport thing to

42:42

tell the girl that he He likes her but

42:45

they cut out the part in the movie

42:47

where they have him just

42:50

suddenly become like Incredible

42:52

parkour martial artists through the

42:54

airport where he's just like

42:57

doing flips and fighting people

42:59

I wonder if I have a dormant Parkour.

43:01

Yeah, maybe nothing my nature. Maybe I'm

43:04

really good at ever tried.

43:06

I'm gonna give it a try the

43:08

way home I mean, that's the dream Isn't it

43:10

to be able to do park or just to

43:12

like have some amazing skill that you didn't know

43:15

you had and you just need to Throw bust

43:17

it out. Yeah. No, it's I constantly think about

43:19

that. Like what what could I be just instantly

43:21

good at? Mm-hmm, I'm not gonna try enough things.

43:24

Have you tried, you know working in a parkade

43:26

sitting in a booth all day? Good

43:29

Just in my head. I was like you sit there read a

43:31

book and listen to the radio Mm-hmm. You sit

43:33

there by yourself to have fun with any

43:36

co-workers warm in there. Yeah, they don't

43:38

seem to they seem to replace

43:40

that Job with an automatic beeping.

43:42

Yeah There

43:46

was a attendant in a parking lot

43:48

in Toronto recently they still have those

43:50

there nice just and he was $15

43:53

in cash or $20 of the credit cards. Okay.

43:56

Yeah, this is pocketing the Knowledge very much.

43:58

So yeah good for him I'm

44:00

really giving out the... I

44:04

did a little bit of that on the tour guide boat. Oh,

44:06

okay. Okay, cool. Hope

44:10

Janelle's not listening to this. Absolutely will

44:12

get back to Janelle. Yeah,

44:16

it's a small country. I do

44:19

expect to get a message from you tomorrow, being like, hey

44:21

Dave, can we take out this Janelle thing? Absolutely.

44:26

Dave, what's going on with you, man?

44:28

Well, I've been doing... I did something.

44:30

I've been kind of crossing off

44:32

a to-do list of things I've

44:34

been putting off. Oh, yeah. And

44:37

like I had to like... I don't

44:40

know, do it... Get new

44:42

tires. Oh, sure. That's the worst kind of thing

44:44

too, because you're like, this is gonna cost a

44:46

lot of money. Yeah, it's no fun and I

44:49

have to do it. But

44:51

the other thing that's no fun and it costs a

44:53

lot of money, and I've been putting

44:55

it off since pre-pandemic. The

44:58

dentist. Oh, shit, you haven't

45:00

been to the dentist that long. Not since the pandemic

45:02

started. Wow. And I

45:04

had a... I was supposed

45:06

to get gum surgery in April of

45:09

2020. Oh my God. Never

45:11

did. No. And

45:14

I have been putting off going to the

45:16

dentist because I don't have any money and

45:19

I don't have any insurance. And

45:22

then I was like... So

45:24

I looked up my dentist. They had been contacting

45:26

me a few times. Yeah. But...

45:30

They kind of come off a little desperate. Yeah,

45:32

they did. Just a reminder. Just a reminder, the

45:34

pandemic's over. It's March of 2021. We

45:38

don't even have a viable vaccine yet. But

45:41

they were wearing masks and they were wearing gloves and

45:43

stuff. And they did contact

45:45

me like as soon as things opened back

45:48

up, you know, at the early pandemic. And

45:53

contacted me a few times and I never

45:55

went back. And I looked them up on

45:57

Google because I was like, do I want to go

45:59

back to this place? and they had so many reviews that

46:01

were like, this place has gone downhill in the last year.

46:04

Oh shit, okay. I don't want to go left, so I

46:06

switched. I

46:08

switched dentists. New dentists. New

46:10

dentists, they were like, hey,

46:12

since it's your first time, we're gonna have to do a bunch

46:14

of stuff. It's gonna be so expensive. Yeah. It's

46:17

gonna be a two hour thing. They love to do that. Yeah. In

46:20

that time, I've gotten three crowns. Oh wow. By the

46:22

time you have been to a dentist. So I feel

46:25

like I'm really carrying away. And so has the, Netflix

46:27

has put out three seasons of the crowns since then.

46:29

Right. I got one for each season. Yeah,

46:31

you did. Delightful.

46:36

One for Claire Foy, one for Olivia

46:38

Coleman, and the third queen. And

46:43

then, so I booked at this new

46:45

place and it's

46:48

in walking distance. That was a big thing. What's

46:51

the waiting room like? I

46:53

gotta tell ya. So my

46:56

appointment was at 10 in the

46:58

morning. And they said it'll be two

47:00

hours. And I was like, it's also

47:02

near a Chipotle. So I was like, okay, I'll put

47:04

my Chipotle order in now. And

47:06

then it'll be ready when I'm done. Smart.

47:09

Smart. And so I

47:11

went in, it is pristine. It's

47:15

like big and

47:17

roomy. There's five people working

47:19

the front desk. Oh wow. And I'm

47:21

paying for it. I'm

47:24

paying all the- The front desk. Wow. Wow.

47:26

And so I go in, they

47:29

bring me in right away. The room where

47:31

they're cleaning my

47:33

teeth, I was gonna say washing me. The

47:36

room where they're washing me. With

47:39

industrial hose. Yeah. Miles. Gotta clean you

47:41

up before we take you to the

47:43

dentist. They were like, it

47:45

was so big. And

47:47

I'm just used to, my last dentist was so

47:50

crowded. My kids go to a different

47:52

dentist and that is really cramped. And

47:54

so this was just so roomy. Yeah.

47:57

Like the ancient poet roomy. Oh yeah.

47:59

Yeah. Not ancient, he's medieval. Uh,

48:03

but I, um, and they

48:05

got the TV in the ceiling. No remote

48:07

though, and no headphones, so I just had

48:09

to watch. Yeah, my doctor

48:12

has ceiling

48:14

TV, but no remote. There's always the food

48:16

network. Which I don't mind watching with no

48:18

phone. This was like a home improvement, something

48:20

I felt like it was one of those

48:22

channels that comes free with your, if

48:24

you set your TV to the

48:26

internet. Right. It's like... Canadian renters.

48:29

Yes. The Makeful Channel. Um,

48:32

and so we, uh, she

48:34

was like, since you were, you haven't been here in

48:36

a while, I can probably only do your bottom teeth,

48:39

and he'll have to come back later and do your

48:41

top teeth. And I was like, why

48:43

did I book two hours? Yeah, oh, yeah, what

48:45

the hell? What took two hours? I don't know.

48:48

Um... You blacked out? Well,

48:50

she did the bottom teeth, that took the better part of

48:52

an hour, and then she's like, I'm doing x-rays, and then

48:54

you go to this other room and get the full x-ray

48:56

around your head. Oh! And,

48:59

um... Have you done that? Have you done

49:01

that? Full x-ray around your

49:03

head. Yeah. Like, you, they do

49:05

the one where you're sitting in the dentist chair, and they

49:08

put a camera up to you, and then they do one

49:10

where you go to a separate room, you

49:12

stand still, and a machine

49:15

goes around your head. Is that the one? I have

49:17

one where you've got to, like, bite down on this

49:19

uncomfortable thing. Um... That's, I think, the...

49:21

Yeah, they do that. Where they put the thing right up to your

49:23

face. They do that, where they do it right up to your face.

49:26

Yeah, well, I think they had one where

49:29

you're still lying in the chair, and then they had

49:31

one where it wasn't a separate room or anything, but

49:33

I just went up, like, I was standing at this

49:35

machine. I had to crouch down a little bit, because

49:37

I'm so tall. I'm so tall. And then I had

49:39

to bite down on this little plastic thing, and then...

49:41

Yeah, maybe. I had to put my chin on a

49:44

thing. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then

49:46

I, weirdly, like, I had to look at a hot air

49:48

balloon image, and it's hella them if it was in focus

49:50

or not. You gave me

49:52

the whole nine yards. You went to an

49:54

orthodontist. That's not

49:56

it. Up the mall. Yeah.

50:00

I'm a pornosologist. And so, the dentist comes in.

50:07

So, she cleans my teeth. I

50:09

hate her. My teeth cleaned. I'm...

50:12

Like a dog. They hate it. Yeah.

50:15

But I'm like, I pinch my hands while I'm doing

50:17

it. Just like, to take

50:19

some of the pain away from my mouth. Yeah. Like

50:22

I'm pinching the web between my fingers. And

50:24

I take an ibuprofen before I go to

50:26

the dentist. So, it kicks in. That's

50:30

why I haven't been in four years, is because I

50:32

hate it. Yes. Getting that vibe? Well,

50:35

this place, I gotta tell you,

50:37

it was so good. Oh, nice.

50:39

They cleaned me up so nice. And

50:42

so then, after that, after

50:44

they cleaned and X-rayed, they were like,

50:47

you do have one cavity up here. And

50:50

this was like at 11.15. And

50:52

I had 45 more minutes before my Chipotle would

50:55

be ready. And

50:57

they were like, so when you come back, we'll do

50:59

that. And I was like, what are you doing now? Yeah, what are

51:01

you doing? You up? And

51:04

so he did it then and there. Nice. It

51:07

felt great. Nobody numbed. Sometimes

51:10

they numb you and they don't do it so well.

51:12

Yeah. They numbed me just right.

51:14

And I didn't even smell my teeth burning as they

51:16

drilled it. Nice. I love that smell.

51:18

I love your dick. I know I'm alive. It

51:23

is true when things

51:26

fly out of your mouth when they're drilling, like

51:28

little powder of your teeth flies

51:30

out. Yeah,

51:33

I think I've gotten used to it. I have

51:35

terrible teeth. So I've got everything

51:37

that's been replaced or patched up. My

51:39

dentists, well, this is the thing, I

51:41

don't know. I

51:45

know my teeth aren't that clean or whatever. Come

51:47

on, let's see. Yeah, they look perfectly clean. Oh,

51:49

they're good. Yeah. But the

51:51

dentist, I mean, growing up, our dentist,

51:53

like my family's dentist is like a

51:56

family friend. Okay. And

51:58

she's like so nice to me. I'm

52:00

almost like, what is this about? Like,

52:03

every time I go there, she goes,

52:05

your teeth are beautiful. And

52:07

I'm like, what? Play them like a heart. Because

52:11

I love phone. Yeah.

52:14

Yeah, I remember once, one time at

52:16

my old dentist, there was

52:19

a dental hygienist who was just there for a

52:21

day and we had like this

52:23

marvelous conversation and she was so funny. I

52:26

was like, I'm coming back here forever. She

52:28

was only there for that. She

52:30

was just filling in. I did get her name

52:32

or anything. It's just a mystery. Yeah.

52:35

I have a, so I did

52:37

my time and I had

52:39

15 minutes left before noon and then

52:41

I had to book a follow up

52:43

to do my top teeth. And I

52:45

requested the same hygienist. I've

52:48

never done that before. Yeah, I'm

52:50

booking with. Aren't you supposed to wait until

52:52

a while after the dentist to

52:54

eat food? Well, here's the thing. Let me

52:57

tell you. They didn't tell

52:59

me that. But I did know that. Yeah.

53:02

Because I've had fillings before and

53:05

I think it's like half an hour or an hour. But

53:08

I, so it was 11 45 when I left. I

53:10

actually, to be honest, I had booked my

53:12

burrito pickup for 12 10. So

53:15

I had 25 minutes to kill. And

53:17

in that neighborhood there, I

53:20

went to London drugs. Oh, sure. I went

53:22

to Whole Foods and I

53:24

discovered something and

53:27

this is maybe bad, but

53:29

steal from Whole Foods. The

53:32

security is incredibly weak. Well, the person at the

53:34

checkout was like, it's a 20 bucks visa or

53:36

15 bucks. Not

53:41

even wearing a uniform. Trust me buddy.

53:44

So I go like, groceries

53:47

have gotten so expensive. And like,

53:49

I was like, oh man, I haven't been to Whole Foods in

53:51

like a year. I bet it is through the roof. I

53:54

think now regular groceries are the same price

53:56

as Whole Foods. Because Whole Foods

53:58

prices haven't gone up, which scares. you'll

56:00

be with Helga. I

56:03

did well with the chomka. Now

56:07

in this scenario Helga is the crypt

56:09

keeper. Yeah,

56:12

yeah, yeah. Anyway,

56:15

dentist rules, let's hear from the dentist.

56:18

What's going on with you? Hooray.

56:21

Well, Alster knows this because

56:23

I ran into him downtown. And

56:25

you get those teeth of it. You can see

56:27

them from across the street. Exactly. That's

56:30

what I knew at the end. Yeah, you were in a skyscraper

56:32

looking down. Yeah, and I could hear the sound. Ding.

56:36

Yeah. I saw you and fellow

56:38

comedian Bobby Warner standing on

56:40

the corner and I was going the opposite way

56:43

because I was going to go see the band

56:45

Kiss. Oh. Yeah. And

56:48

they're going away to her. They're going away to

56:50

her. So somebody had

56:52

like last minute tickets they were getting

56:54

rid of and so I got a

56:57

deal. I never thought about going

56:59

otherwise. Like I didn't know they were in

57:01

town, had no idea. The only other time

57:03

I've ever thought about them was when they

57:05

played Vancouver at the millennium. Oh,

57:07

okay. And I thought that's cool. Yeah. But

57:09

I didn't go. But this is it. This

57:11

is the last time they're going to play

57:14

Vancouver. They're hanging it up.

57:16

They're hanging up their platform shoes. Yeah,

57:18

exactly. It's hard to walk

57:20

a platform shoes at their age. Yeah.

57:23

And to be so grateful. Yeah, well, I

57:26

mean they should be by now. They've had

57:28

the practice. But it was-

57:30

Now do you know who Kiss is?

57:32

Yes, I know who Kiss is. The name 1000th Psalm.

57:37

I want to rock and roll all

57:39

day. That's good. You're good. You're good.

57:42

Yeah. Gene Simmons. Yep. You

57:44

got it. That's where Gene Simmons is and we're here

57:47

to say where the Simmons is in every way. They

57:49

came up on my TikTok feed Kiss did. Okay. One

57:51

of the footage from one of these concerts. Okay. Yeah. So

57:54

you can't find a song out where you put like

57:56

a real intense, well like rock or rap concert. It's

58:00

a song bubbly over top of it. So

58:02

it's the three of them rocking out. Three

58:04

of them rocking out and it's like been away

58:07

for a while now. Took

58:09

me in just like a child. And it

58:11

is like, what it

58:14

takes to become a TikTok trend I'll

58:16

never understand. It's so funny.

58:18

They keep coming up, I love it every time. Yeah,

58:22

they're in their 70s. They

58:25

still got it. They still got it. They're

58:28

singing it is great. At

58:30

one point Paul Stanley gets on basically a

58:32

zipline and goes out over the audience's head.

58:34

With no, he's not wearing any apparatus. He

58:36

just hops on it and zimps

58:38

out around the crowd. Fireworks,

58:41

fire. Gene

58:43

Simmons is blowing fire out of his mouth.

58:46

Gene Simmons with blood coming out of his

58:48

mouth. Oh whoa. That's like me after the

58:50

Helga. Yeah. Yeah. Blood

58:53

can be as it goes. And

58:56

the great thing about it was it was so multi-generational.

59:00

Oh yeah. Yeah, because I thought like, oh

59:02

maybe there's just a very specific type of

59:04

person that goes, okay, I was wrong. It's

59:06

all, it's a lot of parents

59:09

with their kids. Old

59:11

rockers. Yeah. Clergymen.

59:16

Firemen. The

59:19

serpent debris. And

59:24

like a lot of people there were the kids which

59:26

was adorable. Like kids, like

59:28

teen, teenage. Although

59:31

I saw some people with really little kids

59:34

with the headphones on and whatever. And

59:37

it was, the woman in front of me was

59:39

there with her daughter and they both had their

59:42

face painted. It was very

59:44

wholesome. The kiss

59:46

is very wholesome experience. Yeah, I was telling you,

59:48

I knew there was a kiss in

59:51

the concert even before I saw you because when I

59:53

took the SkyTrain downtown, there was someone in full kiss

59:56

makeup just looking really sad. Oh,

1:00:00

whoops, I'm in public with this on.

1:00:02

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but I can't

1:00:04

put it on in the bathroom of the venue. It

1:00:07

is funny that it's become like shorthand

1:00:09

for, this is what a rock and

1:00:11

roll thing looks like. Like

1:00:14

it was people were like, this is satanic 50

1:00:16

years ago. And now they're like, this is a

1:00:18

neat family thing. I think Charlie

1:00:21

Demares told me a

1:00:23

joke about that they

1:00:25

sound like songs for kids. Like I

1:00:28

want to rock and roll all night and party every day, sound like a

1:00:30

kid. Like it's the song that a kid would sing.

1:00:33

Yeah. Lovegun. I

1:00:35

was singing it as a kid. But

1:00:40

they, yeah, I

1:00:42

can see, I get why it's, why

1:00:45

they were so big live. Like it's

1:00:47

just the craziest, everything was over the

1:00:49

top. Everything was bananas

1:00:51

and there are platforms that the

1:00:53

Gene Simmons and the guy who's

1:00:56

not Ace Freelay but is wearing

1:00:58

Ace Freelay's makeup going out over

1:01:00

the audience. Yeah,

1:01:02

there was one thing where they had like

1:01:04

about 20 different screens all

1:01:06

showing the same image and

1:01:09

it was like mesmerizing. And

1:01:12

yeah, it's the only place that

1:01:15

it was bad the entire time in

1:01:17

the men's bathroom. Whoa, boy oh boy.

1:01:19

Everyone's putting on their makeup. It

1:01:22

was right back to high school, man. It was

1:01:24

really like really bro-y, very,

1:01:27

very bro-y. Like to

1:01:29

the degree that I haven't seen anywhere for

1:01:31

a long time. These guys were really, I

1:01:33

guess this was their one night out and

1:01:36

they were just like feeling it. Did

1:01:39

you get snacks and drinks? Yes.

1:01:42

What is a beer cost? Beer cost,

1:01:46

it was just a can of beer and I think it's probably

1:01:48

$11, $11, $12 bucks. And

1:01:51

then a bag of mini donuts wasn't that

1:01:53

expensive at all. But

1:01:56

yeah, totally ruled.

1:01:58

I didn't see their opening. act

1:02:00

which is also that also rules without not having

1:02:02

to see their yeah did you go with your

1:02:04

wife I did not I went with

1:02:06

a long long time ago guest name

1:02:09

Gary Jones oh yes yeah because

1:02:11

I was like I think he's a

1:02:13

fan of kiss and it's

1:02:16

because I don't I don't assume everybody likes

1:02:19

kiss I know I'll start as he was

1:02:21

I want to do the kid play it

1:02:23

again play it again yeah again

1:02:26

I what

1:02:31

do you are you gonna see him next time they come

1:02:33

to town yep oh also Paul

1:02:36

Stanley is the best

1:02:38

MC I've ever seen in my life

1:02:41

like he pumps the crowd up after

1:02:43

every single song he's got he's really

1:02:45

like you don't think man cool oh

1:02:47

we're having fun tonight Vancouver hearing

1:02:50

Vancouver said in that voice would make me

1:02:52

go nuts yeah yeah I know where he

1:02:54

is truly now there's been rumors

1:02:57

for years that

1:03:00

this band will do when it's

1:03:03

time for them to hang it up they would just license

1:03:05

it out and like make oh

1:03:08

yeah make you know it doesn't

1:03:10

really matter who's wearing the makeup

1:03:12

just make a group

1:03:14

of proxy yeah yeah no I could

1:03:16

see them signing up for something like

1:03:19

that yeah certainly them of all people

1:03:21

yeah they yeah they've

1:03:23

licensed their image more than

1:03:25

any other entity that I could think

1:03:27

of like they will put their image on anything

1:03:30

mm-hmm got a pair of underwear with them on it

1:03:33

so did you get it there no I

1:03:35

got it at home so the winner

1:03:38

winners yeah winners they

1:03:41

were only like three bucks so it's like it

1:03:43

would be criminal not yeah that would be a

1:03:45

crime you only got one pair there

1:03:48

was only one pair to be bought so

1:03:50

oh yeah I'm not wearing them right

1:03:52

now or am I Graham

1:03:55

do you ever record the podcast commando

1:03:58

no no no no come on I

1:04:00

like I have to be settled in but

1:04:05

yeah anyways if you're in a town

1:04:07

that kids haven't gone to yet check

1:04:09

them out it's I wonder we're free

1:04:11

taping a bit I wonder if the

1:04:13

tour is still happening one there

1:04:15

I know they're ending up at Madison Square

1:04:17

Garden that's the last show well if you

1:04:19

don't catch kiss it's also boy it'll

1:04:22

be December soon so just

1:04:24

catch the Bryan Setzer Christmas

1:04:26

Orchestra just

1:04:28

as good just good or go to

1:04:30

if you like the face bank

1:04:32

go to a juggalo yeah yeah

1:04:34

situation that was a trans-cyberian orchestra

1:04:37

yes that's every every December they're

1:04:39

a you know the tries Siberian

1:04:42

orchestra I don't

1:04:44

I don't know that I do really well

1:04:46

but they're

1:04:48

just I only know them from an ad yeah

1:04:50

they do an ad they do some kind of

1:04:52

big Christmas spectacular every year it's really like a

1:04:54

lot of guitars yeah some kind of like rockin

1:04:57

confetti show yeah oh yeah they had

1:05:00

confetti too it was great confetti they

1:05:02

had giant balloons that fell from the

1:05:04

ceiling man oh man I don't think

1:05:06

like I've a lot of bands you

1:05:08

go in you're like well what am I watching did

1:05:10

you get to redo your whole balloon no

1:05:13

but I saw two girls and they could barely

1:05:15

get it out the door like it was that

1:05:17

gigantic they were walking in gas down with and

1:05:19

everybody was like yeah

1:05:22

I'm just get to leave a place with a

1:05:25

balloon yeah yeah no they were big yeah yeah

1:05:28

when when I leave here yeah yeah you'll get

1:05:30

a goodie bag stickers that

1:05:32

kind of thing I love a

1:05:34

good bag love yeah

1:05:36

I don't necessarily like the things that are in

1:05:38

a goodie bag but in that format I

1:05:41

love it yeah it is very nice I remember

1:05:43

I still remember the most well

1:05:46

actually it wasn't even a party that I was at we

1:05:48

were staying with some friends in Toronto when I

1:05:50

was a little kid and they were like in

1:05:52

a very well-off neighborhood can't

1:05:54

remember exactly where and the

1:05:56

kids that we were staying with they went to a

1:05:58

birthday party came back they

1:06:01

in the goodie bag they'd gotten a

1:06:03

Wii game what yeah what the

1:06:07

hell yeah yeah that's how rich this

1:06:09

well wow I didn't

1:06:12

know anybody that rich I know yeah

1:06:14

I only got to I only knew

1:06:16

the people that knew people that way

1:06:18

later they were like no this is

1:06:20

a gift we can't I don't know

1:06:23

I remember I remember spirit of the

1:06:25

game this is a family I think

1:06:27

I think not I think they were

1:06:30

maybe spoiled enough that when they

1:06:32

got the game they're like I

1:06:34

don't like yeah this is actually

1:06:36

the boring game eight dollar game

1:06:39

yeah yeah you take kids to birthday

1:06:41

parties and there is goodie

1:06:44

bags are still going strong nice we called

1:06:47

them loot bags when I was a kid yeah

1:06:49

loot bag yeah but there you know you'll get

1:06:52

stickers you'll get candy you'll get like

1:06:54

a little whistle or something

1:06:56

nice one some dollars toy

1:06:58

dollar store toy and

1:07:01

tattoos oh tattoos yeah yeah yeah

1:07:03

strong part of the

1:07:05

whole goodie bag but also just

1:07:07

like garbage that you'll throw away

1:07:09

that day just take

1:07:11

it throw it right thank you we would feel

1:07:13

weird leaving without this but we don't want it

1:07:16

just got a Wii game in it because it's

1:07:18

not going to story to man usually it

1:07:21

my kids are a little old now but usually

1:07:23

your kid would want one of the balloons from

1:07:26

the party as well yeah oh yeah I

1:07:28

would I remember that I was

1:07:31

like I used to live here I can't remember his name but he

1:07:33

would just have balloons around his apartment you

1:07:35

just have like low what

1:07:38

loose floating balloons and

1:07:40

I was like Pennywise the clown yeah

1:07:43

yeah yeah that's right oh

1:07:45

yeah I did I mentioned he lived in the sewer yeah yeah

1:07:50

yeah beautiful though yeah yeah yeah you wouldn't get down

1:07:52

there it's great yeah I know a little bit but

1:07:54

once you get down in there follow

1:07:57

that Pennywise guy all the way to the

1:07:59

fun yeah Do you

1:08:01

guys want to move on to some overheard? Sure. Folks,

1:08:04

we get it. Keeping up with an actual

1:08:06

play podcast in this economy is a tough

1:08:09

sell. That's why we have great

1:08:11

news for you. The Adventure Zone is changing up

1:08:13

its format. We're going to be doing some shorter

1:08:15

seasons, more experimental stuff. There's never been a better

1:08:17

time to get on board the zone. And if

1:08:19

you're sick of listening to our voices, we get

1:08:21

that too. So we're including some guests. On

1:08:24

this upcoming one, we've got Kay Welch and Gabe

1:08:26

Hicks, who are incredible. And you

1:08:28

want to try out some new games? You got it. We've

1:08:30

got the new Marvel Multiverse RPG. We're

1:08:33

using that and with a really brilliant GM

1:08:35

doing it. It's that. What he's saying is

1:08:37

it's that. It's that. It's doing it. It's

1:08:39

that doing it. You can listen every Thursday

1:08:42

on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

1:08:47

I'm glad you said that because nobody says that.

1:08:49

Can I just say thank you to you for

1:08:52

such a thoughtful interview? Oh my God. Yeah,

1:08:54

I think you nailed it. Bullseye,

1:08:56

interviews with creators you love and creators

1:08:58

you need to know. Listen

1:09:01

to the Bullseye podcast only from

1:09:03

NPR and Maximum Fun. Overheard.

1:09:11

Overheard, the segment where, boy oh boy, if you're

1:09:13

out there in the world and you hear something

1:09:15

wacky and wild, we want to hear it. You're

1:09:18

on the podcast. And we always like to start with

1:09:20

the guest. Alistair, do you have

1:09:22

an overheard? I do. I

1:09:24

do. I have an overheard. Actually,

1:09:26

it's kind of an older one from my

1:09:28

life, but I haven't been able to find

1:09:30

anything that really... You've got your

1:09:32

whole life ahead of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:09:35

And you've got your whole life ahead of you. That's

1:09:37

true. So you don't throw it all away. So this

1:09:39

is from my little sister's birthday party

1:09:41

years ago. I'm 11 years older than

1:09:43

my sister. Okay. Whoa. Yeah.

1:09:47

I was like, I guess a teenager at the time. And

1:09:49

my little cousin was there. He was a year younger

1:09:51

than my sister. I think she was maybe turning five

1:09:53

and he was turning four, or even she was four

1:09:56

and he was three, something like that. And it was

1:09:58

at a gymnastics space. Yeah.

1:10:00

And my little cousin Liam, he

1:10:03

sort of dove into the foam pit. Um,

1:10:07

and I just remember his, his like

1:10:09

legs dangling at the top, but his

1:10:11

torso was submerged beneath the

1:10:13

foams. And, uh, he

1:10:15

just goes, he's very precocious for

1:10:17

his age. He goes, mom, mom,

1:10:21

I'm in a predicament. Oh

1:10:25

yeah. Just

1:10:28

something they selected out of, uh, some

1:10:30

conversation they heard you guys wear. Exactly. Oh

1:10:33

man. That's great. Those foam pits,

1:10:35

I view you've taken Poppy and the cargo

1:10:37

to these foam pits. Yeah. Yeah. Are

1:10:40

they like, are they gross? Yeah,

1:10:42

they're not. I think the nature

1:10:45

of the foam itself is like your

1:10:47

hands after you touch it, don't feel good, even

1:10:50

if they were cleaned out of the factory. Yeah.

1:10:52

There's some, there's something about them that

1:10:55

is not what you want. But

1:10:57

I think with like something like a ball pit,

1:10:59

there is a way to clean the thing, but

1:11:02

is there a way to clean the foam? I

1:11:04

think you probably just spray chemicals on it. Yeah.

1:11:07

That sounds all right. Um, I know

1:11:09

that there are, uh, it's

1:11:12

weird at, at IKEA, the ball

1:11:14

pit, there's like rules for

1:11:16

toilet training. You have to be out

1:11:18

of diapers, which seems dicey to me,

1:11:20

baby. I

1:11:25

think you would want to dice it. Yeah. Yeah. You

1:11:30

got to swear on David that, yes, like

1:11:32

I do use the bathroom. I can use

1:11:34

the bathroom, but I, as

1:11:36

a grownup going into these foam pits, they

1:11:39

are, it's fun to fall into them. It

1:11:41

is impossible to get them out and your body,

1:11:43

you're using muscles you didn't know you would use.

1:11:45

It is a predicament. It really is. You're

1:11:47

in a predicament. Yeah. Oh man. Uh,

1:11:50

and sometimes you see, uh, like a video

1:11:52

of somebody, uh, jumping in a foam pit

1:11:54

is good submerging. And, uh, my

1:11:57

favorite is seeing someone, uh, jumping

1:11:59

onto. to doing it to a lake

1:12:01

but the lake is frozen. And

1:12:03

they somehow think they're gonna break through and they don't and

1:12:05

they just hurt their ass. I can picture one of those

1:12:07

viral videos right now. Ooh boy. Yeah, go

1:12:09

for one of those. Yeah. Go

1:12:12

for one of those right now. I

1:12:15

could go for a nice viral video sesh. Dave,

1:12:19

do you have one over here? Yeah, this is sort

1:12:21

of a weird situation at

1:12:23

Shopper's Drug Mart, everything you want

1:12:25

in a drug store, the

1:12:28

neighborhood drug store. Yeah.

1:12:31

Replace the corner store in the city, I

1:12:33

would say. Sure, yeah. Toronto's

1:12:36

got a lot of corner stores. Yeah,

1:12:38

yeah. That rules. Yeah, they're

1:12:40

pretty sweet. Yeah, they're not all the same. Yeah,

1:12:44

we've got enough that there's good ones and bad

1:12:46

ones. Oh, good. You know what I mean? You're

1:12:49

like, you don't wanna go to that one. You

1:12:51

do wanna go to that one. Yeah, what's the

1:12:53

best one? I don't remember the name

1:12:55

of a single one. What kind of

1:12:57

tour guide are you? My gosh. That's

1:12:59

the thing. I started working as a tour guide

1:13:01

when I had been living in the city for

1:13:04

one month. And so people, I

1:13:06

would always say, I have a little intermission. I

1:13:08

go, if you want any recommendations or have questions

1:13:10

about the city, come ask me. And every time

1:13:12

someone asks me something, I go, I don't, I

1:13:14

just fold immediately. I have no idea. Jim Horton.

1:13:17

Jim Horton. Shopper's. So

1:13:21

I was at Shopper's Drug Mart where

1:13:23

they have self-checkouts and there's just

1:13:25

like one person working. But

1:13:29

they're also checking people out who don't wanna use

1:13:31

the self-checkouts. So I was next to a guy

1:13:34

who was like, who had just gone

1:13:36

through the self-checkout and he was like looking

1:13:39

stressed out and he had called over someone to

1:13:41

help him. And the

1:13:43

person, the employee came over and was like,

1:13:45

do you need a receipt? Because his

1:13:47

purchase had gone through. And

1:13:50

he's like, I don't need a receipt. And

1:13:53

they're like, well, what's going on? Okay, so

1:13:55

my purchase went through and the voice said,

1:13:57

thank you for using our self-checkout. But

1:14:00

then the voice started getting really slow. And

1:14:06

the employee's like, oh, that's okay. Yeah, that's fine. And

1:14:08

then he goes, oh, it is? It

1:14:11

started getting really slow. Just like

1:14:13

the computer voice was malfunctioning. Yeah.

1:14:17

You can leave. Yeah, exactly. You

1:14:19

got your purchase gets valid. Yeah, no, no, no, checkout's

1:14:22

haunted. Yeah, no big deal. Is

1:14:24

there anything you want to do about that? Maybe a

1:14:26

big across out of a couple of shoes? It's spooky

1:14:28

season. Yeah. You should maybe put

1:14:30

up a sign that

1:14:32

says spooky. Yeah, put up some of that

1:14:35

spooky caution tape. If anything, you're going to

1:14:37

get more customers going in there. Yeah. So

1:14:40

spooky. And bang, you are

1:14:42

using our self checkout. Take your blood

1:14:44

bag and it gets out. How'd

1:14:47

they know I had a blood bag? Yeah,

1:14:52

the other day when I was at the grocery store,

1:14:54

I chose to go in cashier

1:14:56

lineup. Yeah. Whoa,

1:14:58

you're so Graham. Oh my

1:15:01

God, what a hero you are. Thank you.

1:15:03

I didn't want to punch in all the

1:15:05

codes for all the vegetables and fruits. Oh

1:15:07

wow, what a great eater you are. Oh

1:15:09

my God, how healthy. Yeah, did I mention

1:15:11

I only go to the dentist once

1:15:14

a year? Yeah. How

1:15:17

hygienic of you. Anyways.

1:15:20

You got it over here.

1:15:22

Yeah. This is in

1:15:25

a bathroom where that I'm

1:15:27

assuming there's a man in the stall and

1:15:30

I'm assuming there was a guy. Where is this?

1:15:32

This is at a called the library

1:15:35

square. No, library square pub.

1:15:37

Okay. Yeah. So

1:15:39

I go in there, there's a guy in the stall. He

1:15:42

obviously was talking to somebody else who had

1:15:44

left because it was just me in

1:15:46

there. And then

1:15:49

he was capping off a conversation and he

1:15:51

said, I'll give you a blow job. And it was just me.

1:15:54

And I was like, okay. He's just like,

1:15:56

bro, bro, bro. Oh,

1:16:00

I'm sorry, I thought my dress was

1:16:02

still here. Sure, I'm here anyway. Was

1:16:06

this the night of the kiss concert? No,

1:16:09

this was the night of another concert I went to. This

1:16:11

was the night of the blowjob. A

1:16:14

stranger blowjob. No kiss, this

1:16:16

blowjob. Yeah, no kiss,

1:16:18

no no no, no kiss, no hug.

1:16:23

No soap, radio. What,

1:16:25

are you going to save that other concert

1:16:27

for later? Yes, yes, there's only some of

1:16:29

the things that happen to a person in a week.

1:16:31

That's true. But yeah,

1:16:33

the... Did he come

1:16:35

out of the stall? Did you ever see this guy? No,

1:16:37

I never saw him, but he was so embarrassed. I

1:16:40

was like, hey man, thanks to these angles, I

1:16:42

was into it. He'll

1:16:45

be embarrassed, you know. Was your

1:16:47

wife with you for this concert? Yeah, we've... And

1:16:50

we're using the same bathroom, she was quiet the whole

1:16:53

time. It's

1:16:55

probably Dally McPheele then. I've

1:16:59

been in a couple

1:17:02

blowjobs this year. Yeah, cool head bathroom

1:17:04

things, it's not weird at all. Like,

1:17:07

if they're stalls, if it's all stalls, nobody's

1:17:11

freaking out or anything like that. It's

1:17:13

like... The only thing that would

1:17:15

be awkward for me, and I don't know if this

1:17:17

has really fully happened, if I had

1:17:19

to poop and my crush

1:17:21

was in there. That's

1:17:24

kind of a worst case scenario. Yeah. Not

1:17:26

for me, man. I

1:17:29

like to get those expectations, nice and low.

1:17:32

Yeah, you came over to my place and you

1:17:34

put on your fuzzy pajamas and you took the

1:17:37

biggest poop and the... He

1:17:39

blocked up the toilet. You

1:17:44

weren't even embarrassed about it, you walked out and were

1:17:46

like, woohoo! And then you were

1:17:48

like, I ruined my pajamas. I'm

1:17:54

not allowed in the ball pit. any

1:18:00

phone blocks I can touch. I

1:18:02

want to feel safe. Yeah,

1:18:05

I love it. Now we

1:18:07

also have overheard sent into us from

1:18:09

people all over the world. If you want to

1:18:11

send one in, you can send it in to

1:18:14

SPY at maximum fun dot org. The

1:18:16

first one is in South London. Walk into

1:18:18

a park, a little girl, five or six years

1:18:20

old and a happy sing song voice. I

1:18:23

hate outside. I like inside more. Oh

1:18:25

yeah. Cute. I get it. I'm the

1:18:27

same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why are you

1:18:29

making me go for a walk? Yeah,

1:18:32

exactly. Let me sing the song I wrote about

1:18:34

how much I got out here.

1:18:37

Indoors, outdoors. Your preference.

1:18:40

Just in general? Yeah. Um, I

1:18:44

like outdoors. Hmm. Okay. Yeah. Kind of a

1:18:46

frontiersman kind of. Yeah. I think it's because

1:18:48

I grew up in Vancouver and worked

1:18:50

in a kayak shop and stuff. You're

1:18:53

just telling us now that you worked on a

1:18:55

kayak? Yeah. What'd you do there? Sell a kayak?

1:18:57

I sold, well, I rented out kayaks

1:18:59

mostly and I taught kids how to

1:19:01

kayak and paddleboard and did that for

1:19:03

like seven years. Yeah. What's the,

1:19:06

what's the look? We got a lot of

1:19:08

kayaking listeners. What's the

1:19:10

number one mistake? Kayak. First

1:19:14

time kayakers. Actually, I will tell you because

1:19:16

it is very funny. Uh, it's almost always

1:19:18

the most confident men who do this where

1:19:20

they trying to treat the kayak like a

1:19:22

lazy boy chair and they really lean back

1:19:24

a lot and then your center of

1:19:26

gravity goes up and then so they'll kind of do

1:19:28

this. I, I can picture it

1:19:30

exactly because we have like a father's day

1:19:32

thing and you get some dads that are like, I

1:19:34

know how to do this. And then they

1:19:36

get in there, they treat it like a lazy boy

1:19:39

chair. They're going to hold the paddle straight and then

1:19:41

they start wiggling. They wiggle their, their

1:19:43

lower body a bunch. And then sometimes

1:19:45

they'll go quite a ways before they actually tip over

1:19:48

and fall in. But it's inevitable. It's inevitable. You can

1:19:50

tell the second they get onto the water and they

1:19:52

go like that and they start wiggling. I'm like, Oh,

1:19:54

they're going to go, they're going to go in. And

1:19:56

it's just a question of how long. And then I

1:19:58

have to go rescue them. I look like a hero.

1:20:00

Well, yeah, that would be like kayaks and all life

1:20:02

jackets. Oh,

1:20:05

that's a nightmare scenario, being in a kayak that's flipped

1:20:07

upside down. I wouldn't know what to do. Yeah. Well,

1:20:10

you just kind of, you just fall out. It's not like you're stuck in there.

1:20:12

There's no seatbelt. Can you do a seatbelt? Oh,

1:20:14

you just fall out. Are you a good kayaker? I'm

1:20:17

pretty good. Yeah. Can

1:20:19

you do those roles? I haven't done one

1:20:21

in a long time, but I've done them. No,

1:20:23

I haven't. I actually was not able to do

1:20:25

one in like a sea kayak. It's really hard

1:20:27

to do it in a sea kayak because they're

1:20:29

so long. Right. The sea

1:20:31

kayaks are the longer ones. The long

1:20:34

ones and then white water kayaks are the little nubby

1:20:36

ones. So nub ones, you can

1:20:38

kind of do that fairly easily. Nice.

1:20:40

When I was at UVic, one of the guys

1:20:43

at my dorm was on the national

1:20:45

kayaking team. Wow. He was

1:20:48

the most muscular person I've ever seen in my life.

1:20:50

Yeah. Sounds about

1:20:52

right. Kayak, an Olympic? I think it is. Yeah.

1:20:56

I hear they're going to try breakdancing in the

1:20:58

Olympics. They're not trying it. It's in. What?

1:21:02

Yeah, 2028. Hell yeah. Oh my God.

1:21:05

Oh, 2024. The 2028, they've

1:21:07

added like a few other things

1:21:09

like flag football. Flag football, makeup

1:21:11

artistry. Cornhole. Cornhole.

1:21:14

Is the breakdancing

1:21:17

real? Is flag football real? Flag

1:21:20

football? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would we

1:21:22

lie? Yeah. Kayaking is in

1:21:24

there. I think that dad's

1:21:26

too. You rift cornhole, but that is really not

1:21:28

out of the question anymore. No, cornhole's out. Cornhole,

1:21:31

there was a doping scandal. This is

1:21:33

one of the few issues that I feel like a conservative on

1:21:35

where I'm like, there's enough stuff in the Olympics. Yeah. I

1:21:38

don't need more. I think they should take out

1:21:40

shooting. That seems to me to be like. That's

1:21:42

crazy. I also don't get why. Like, if hockey

1:21:44

and basketball both happen in the winter, why is

1:21:46

one of them in the summer Olympics and one

1:21:48

of them in the winter Olympics? Smart. They

1:21:51

happen in the same arenas at the same time. If

1:21:53

football was in the winter Olympics, that would be so funny. Yeah,

1:21:55

why not? Yeah, why not? Yeah.

1:21:58

And then do they have... Is it their street? basketball in

1:22:00

the- Treat basketball? Yeah, treat basketball.

1:22:03

Maybe. What? What? What

1:22:06

would the difference be, really? Usually

1:22:09

only like four people a team.

1:22:12

Oh. So that's, and yeah,

1:22:14

you'd be in concrete. Well, they do.

1:22:16

So at my kid's school, for two

1:22:18

weeks, they replaced gym with like dance.

1:22:21

And at the end of the

1:22:23

two weeks, they do a big like recital where every

1:22:25

class does dances for

1:22:28

the whole, for all the parents. And

1:22:30

the guy who runs it was like, and

1:22:32

one of my students, like who's from Vancouver,

1:22:34

Will is like trying out for the Olympics

1:22:36

and you're gonna hear about him and he'll

1:22:38

be in the Olympics. Oh, wow. Soon. Oh

1:22:41

my gosh. Here's what has been added for

1:22:44

the Los Angeles 2028 games. Baseball

1:22:48

flash softball. You decide when you get there.

1:22:52

Baseball wasn't it? I feel like baseball or

1:22:54

softball have been and maybe they're came out

1:22:56

and coming back in. Cricket. That

1:22:59

seems crazy that that hasn't been.

1:23:01

Well, it's like, because the Olympics

1:23:04

are only two weeks long and

1:23:06

that's why it takes away one

1:23:08

flag football, lacrosse and squash. Squash,

1:23:12

huh. And then in, that's

1:23:14

2028 and 2024, there's

1:23:17

breaking, which I assume is break dancing, sport

1:23:20

climbing. So like. Indoor

1:23:22

climbing? I guess so. Or like you're racing

1:23:25

up a wall. Skateboarding

1:23:27

and surfing. But skateboarding

1:23:29

is already. Maybe there's a

1:23:31

different kind. Yeah, grinding, I don't

1:23:33

know. Street skateboarding

1:23:36

as opposed to gymnasium. Now

1:23:39

this next one comes from Terry L. Mostly

1:23:42

I like this one because of

1:23:45

the thing that this guy was watching. He

1:23:47

said, I'm a big fan of CFL's Saskatchewan

1:23:49

Rough Rider. Former rider player,

1:23:51

Luke Muhlander, has a series of YouTube

1:23:53

videos where he drives around in a

1:23:55

golf cart with current players

1:23:58

and interviews them. I was just capping. catching

1:24:00

up on these. So there's ones

1:24:02

that he did get around to.

1:24:04

Just catching up on these and

1:24:06

watched his interview with center Peter

1:24:08

Godbert from the

1:24:11

latest college football at Rice University

1:24:13

in Texas. Luke said, what

1:24:16

was one of the things that people don't

1:24:18

know about Rice University? And part of Peter's

1:24:20

response was it's more of an academic based

1:24:22

school. That's probably something people don't know. It's

1:24:26

not just a peer

1:24:28

pressure. Yeah. One of the

1:24:30

big things I have in school. Smoking.

1:24:32

Yeah, smoking. Putting,

1:24:35

telling the substitute teacher that your name

1:24:38

is somebody else's name. Yeah, my university

1:24:40

was primarily known for lunch. Mine

1:24:43

was known for grease or frat

1:24:45

parties. Mine was known for you could

1:24:47

go downtown and there was a gap. It

1:24:50

was a split level. It

1:24:53

wasn't too far, like it was two floors, but you

1:24:55

could see the second floor of the first floor. Unreal.

1:24:58

I'm going to Victoria this weekend. It'll be

1:25:00

before the government street comes out, but I'll

1:25:02

go find the gap. Yeah. Yeah. Something to

1:25:04

do free show, right? Sorry. Something to do

1:25:06

free show. Go to the gap. Maybe even talk

1:25:08

about it on stage. Yeah. With that in your

1:25:10

act. How about that? This

1:25:13

last one comes from Nate in Minneapolis.

1:25:15

I was walking over the famous Stone Arch

1:25:18

Bridge in Minneapolis. Never

1:25:20

heard of it. Yeah. So famous. I

1:25:22

forgot to laugh. And overheard two men

1:25:24

chatting behind me. I heard one man

1:25:26

say to the other, in the first

1:25:29

grade I was bullied by the other

1:25:31

kids and felt left out because I

1:25:33

hadn't seen Kramer versus Kramer. In

1:25:40

first grade. You don't know

1:25:42

Kramer versus Kramer? You suck. Yeah.

1:25:45

You know, Justin Hoffman wasn't acting. He was really mean

1:25:47

to the Maryland street. It

1:25:50

sucks. Sucks to know that. Yeah.

1:25:52

Really, really. I'll still watch it, man. That'd

1:25:54

be so fun. Just a

1:25:56

little gang of kids whose parents are divorced. You've

1:25:58

all watched Kramer versus Kramer. one

1:28:00

like these people have. Good pipes.

1:28:04

Hi, Dave Graham, an ineffable guest.

1:28:06

This is Jesslyn calling in with

1:28:08

an overheard from California. I was

1:28:11

at a Japanese garden the

1:28:13

other day. It's a very

1:28:16

calm, peaceful place. There are

1:28:18

a lot of visitors around but still just

1:28:20

like a quiet, you know, meditative, reflective sort

1:28:22

of place. And I

1:28:24

met this koi pond. There's

1:28:27

like koi fish swimming up and there's a

1:28:29

woman next to me with her friends and

1:28:32

she's taking pictures of the koi fish

1:28:34

and this great koi fish swims up

1:28:37

and she's quietly taking pictures.

1:28:40

Then she loudly breaks the silence and says,

1:28:42

I'm gonna send it to

1:28:45

Jerry and tell him it's

1:28:47

a dolphin. Jerry's an

1:28:49

idiot. He'll totally buy this.

1:28:51

Love it. Great

1:28:54

koi fish. Yeah. Like

1:28:56

when you see a brown pigeon. It just like

1:28:58

blows your mind. You didn't know that

1:29:00

nature can work that way. Worried about

1:29:02

this koi fish. Yeah, maybe, yeah, maybe

1:29:04

it's ill. It's not all it's orange.

1:29:07

What about fishing as an Olympic sport?

1:29:09

That's probably, we're not far from it.

1:29:11

Yeah, it's the way this country's going.

1:29:13

Yeah. Although in my day

1:29:16

it was in the Olympics and it was great. I

1:29:20

forgot what my point was. I

1:29:25

think there's a certain segment

1:29:28

of the, fishing's on TV

1:29:30

all the time. I

1:29:32

watch the fishing show here and there.

1:29:34

Very relaxing. Poker's also on TV all

1:29:36

the time. Put that in the Olympics.

1:29:38

Put that in the Olympics. Like

1:29:40

I say, I want acting in, wrapping,

1:29:42

of course I want it. Yeah, I

1:29:45

want a combination of acting, wrapping, scatting,

1:29:49

something where like Eminem who has been in

1:29:51

a movie. And that could stand up in

1:29:53

the Olympics. Why not? It's

1:29:55

whoever come back on board again. goblins

1:32:00

came out and he said something like, oh,

1:32:02

I don't know about these guys. I

1:32:05

don't like this at all. But then right after

1:32:07

that, the scene got silly, and

1:32:09

suddenly all the goblins were drinking coffee.

1:32:11

And he sounded really relieved. And he

1:32:13

goes, oh, see, guys? It's OK. They

1:32:16

just want to drink coffee. And

1:32:18

then his sister, right after that

1:32:20

very emphatically goes,

1:32:23

yeah, they just want to exist. I

1:32:25

love your podcast. They're not complicated. Yeah,

1:32:27

they want one. We used to extend

1:32:29

these goblins a little bit of grace.

1:32:32

Let goblins be goblins. Yeah.

1:32:35

I've always said that. Puffet show on Halloween. I

1:32:38

mean, that's too scary for me. I'm used

1:32:41

to a spook alley. Yeah,

1:32:43

it's a little spook alley. This

1:32:45

is where you walk through Halloween

1:32:48

decorations that are on a

1:32:50

path. Oh, I see. Yeah. Halloween

1:32:52

decorations that are on a path.

1:32:54

It's a spook alley. I've

1:32:57

actually never seen one. I've

1:32:59

only heard about it from someone calling

1:33:01

that in once. I went through something

1:33:03

crazy in Toronto recently. Was it puberty?

1:33:05

Hey. I

1:33:12

think there's this festival or

1:33:14

arts festival in Toronto. I

1:33:16

can't remember. Something to

1:33:18

do with Blanc, like Nuit Blanc. It's

1:33:21

called this big art festival. And there

1:33:23

was an alleyway behind Comedy Bar. And

1:33:26

I saw there was some kind of commotion happening. A

1:33:28

big bunch of people, I'd never seen them before, wandered

1:33:30

over to it. And they were

1:33:33

doing something called a baby fight, which

1:33:35

it looked like these two people just had

1:33:37

babies on sticks. And then there was the

1:33:39

final between these two babies. They're all like

1:33:42

sort of, yeah, it was very

1:33:44

interesting. The Olympic committee is taking

1:33:46

note. Exactly. And then

1:33:48

they started fighting these

1:33:50

two babies together. These

1:33:53

are like puppets? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:33:57

Baby dolls on sticks. And then what

1:33:59

I did was I did a video. I didn't realize is

1:34:02

that these sticks that they

1:34:04

were holding were attached to, I guess, car batteries

1:34:06

or something. It was metal. There

1:34:09

was an electric current going through these babies,

1:34:11

which I did not realize. Wow, OK. So

1:34:13

all of a sudden, it is very dangerous.

1:34:15

Yeah, until the babies, one of them caught

1:34:17

on fire. What

1:34:21

the hell? Yeah. Insane. And even after it

1:34:23

caught on fire and most of its body

1:34:25

burned away, the fight was not over. His

1:34:28

head was still on the stick. Those are

1:34:30

the rules. And

1:34:32

he came from behind after burning. I

1:34:34

do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like a

1:34:37

good cultural festival. Yeah. It's

1:34:39

fun to just see something weird. Yeah. You

1:34:41

walk around and you're like, yeah.

1:34:43

I guess that's like a bonus overseen.

1:34:45

Yeah, sure. Thank you for that. That

1:34:47

counts towards your debt towards. Alistair,

1:34:51

thank you so much for being a guest. This was

1:34:53

so much fun. Thank you for having me. This is

1:34:55

a dream come true, honestly. For us as well. You

1:34:59

are going to be in London at the

1:35:01

Soho Theater on November

1:35:03

29. I'm going to be opening for

1:35:06

my friend Hassan Phil's. So the show doesn't have me

1:35:08

on it, in terms of the

1:35:10

advertising at all. But he'll be there.

1:35:12

Trust me, I'll be there. American Airlines is

1:35:14

taking me there. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Do

1:35:17

you have any socials where people

1:35:20

can find you online? Yeah, yeah.

1:35:22

Well, if you just Google

1:35:25

Alistair Ogden the way that it's spelled in the

1:35:27

episode notes, I'm the only one. Oh,

1:35:29

for real? Except there is one listing, if

1:35:32

you scroll far enough down Google, for another

1:35:34

character. It's spelled the exact same way as

1:35:36

my name Alistair Ogden. And he's sort of

1:35:38

like a side character in

1:35:40

a sort of homoerotic Harry

1:35:42

Potter fan fiction title or

1:35:46

something. I mean, it's, ugh,

1:35:48

you're so judgmental. It's actually,

1:35:50

I wrote it. And it's

1:35:52

not erotic. It's romantic. And

1:35:54

it's, I mean, I don't know where I

1:35:56

got the name from. Ha ha ha. Well,

1:36:00

thank you so much. Thank you everybody

1:36:03

out there for listening. If you have

1:36:05

an idea for a new sport in

1:36:07

the Olympics, send it along and come

1:36:09

on back next week for another episode

1:36:12

of Stop by Catching a Bell. Maximum

1:36:28

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