0:41

And welcome to another episode of Stuck My Mind

0:45

podcast. I'm your host, w I z e, and my next guest is

0:49

an entrepreneur, a men's coach, and the fearless host of the

0:53

Nico Legan Show. Welcome to the show,

0:56

Nico Legan. Hello. Oh, okay. Alright.

1:06

Oh, that's great. Realize we're doing it live. So I'm like, I

1:09

have a StreamYard account. I'm like, I'm gonna share this with my guy, you

1:13

know, to to be part of the what's going on? Thanks for having me on,

1:17

and I guess you can't fix stupid as you were saying it.

1:21

Whoops. Oh, man. It happens. It happens. How you doing,

1:25

brother, man? Life is interesting, man. It is.

1:29

It is. Life is very, very, very, very interesting,

1:42

with people online. And, man

1:46

Yeah. Man, there's some people out there that

1:50

you just can't help. Yeah. No. No. I I feel you. But,

1:54

yo. Alright. So can you share a bit of your personal journey and and how

1:57

it led you led you on your mission as a men's coach and

2:01

an advocate for moderate masculinity? Man, where do you

2:05

wanna go? Where do you wanna start with this? Because that start with start with

2:08

the journey. Let's start with the journey because I I I've I've read up a

2:11

little bit on your journey and everything. Former addict, former drug

2:15

dealer. Let's let's start with them, man. What what what what

2:19

what led you down that path? Lack of a father

2:22

figure. You know, like most men look look at men

2:26

throughout history. There's a good reason. You look at tribes, you look at societies, you

2:29

look at any type of place where there was

2:33

people hanging out under the same belief system.

2:37

They always add rights of passages for men. Men

2:41

are made. Boys are born, men are made. And men

2:45

are made through trials and tribulations. And

2:50

we all need this. It's like it's coded in our DNA when we're

2:54

boys, men, and even as mature men, even today, I look up to

2:57

people. There's certain men out there I'm gonna look up to. There's there's a

3:01

guy I know I look up to. We always look for people

3:04

that we can try to emulate, people that we believe are good people,

3:08

good men. We're like, I wanna be like him. I wonder how he did it.

3:11

How can I be like that guy? And when my dad left,

3:15

not that he was extremely present prior to this, but when he left,

3:19

that kinda left a void. And, you know, Steve Harvey, I should

3:23

learn the quote, but I absolutely love what he says. But,

3:26

basically, what he means is that when a father leaves, it

3:30

leaves a hole in the soul of his son in his

3:34

shape. So if the father leaves, there's a massive hole that

3:37

needs to be filled. And what did I know at 14

3:41

years old what a good man was? So I tried to fill that a hole

3:45

with what I believe was a good man, but I had no idea what it

3:47

was. So before you like, back then, I was a big

3:51

fan of rap music, and I'm not talking about the the weak

3:55

stuff that you hear today. Like, I'm talking about the gangsters, the guys that

3:58

come that came from nothing, like the Wu Tang, the NOS, the Mobb Deep, the

4:02

Tupac, the Biggie, the the guys that sold drugs that did a lot of bad

4:06

things in order to get there. But when I looked at it, those guys had

4:09

money. They had women. They had cars. They had success. They had fame. I'm like,

4:13

man, those guys are doing something right. And as funny as it

4:16

sounds to say this today, I wanted to be the 1st white rapper,

4:20

and that was before Eminem was a thing. Right? So, technically, I

4:24

wasn't that I wasn't that messed up. Like, it it was a

4:28

possibility. I was never that great on Sondex. It was

4:32

not going to happen, but the point in the matter is that I

4:35

idolize the wrong people. And, you know, look at people today, there's

4:39

no difference. Like, I just posted a video the other day about Britney Spears,

4:42

about what I remember of Britney Spears in the eighties nineties.

4:46

And I started looking, you know, her her

4:50

target audience are are are young women between 16 to 25

4:54

years old. You know how many followers she has all throughout her

4:57

platform? A 100 50,000,000 followers.

5:01

And if you look at what she was and what she looks like now, she's

5:05

not a good role model. She is not a role model women young

5:08

women should have. If you have kids which are women and they

5:12

follow that woman, you need to explain to your kids that

5:16

this is a woman that has issues, that she needs to deal with those issues.

5:20

But we don't do that anymore. Like, we look at what the

5:24

our idols are right now. We're looking at we're we're looking

5:28

at famous people, famous actors. What did they know? Yeah.

5:31

What did they know about real life? You look at us. Yeah. What did

5:35

they know about real life? I I'm not saying that you

5:39

look at an athlete. That guy dedicated a lot of his life, if not

5:42

most of his life to get where he where he's at today. He's probably extremely

5:46

disciplined, extremely trained. He's very focused on what

5:50

needs to happen. Does that make him a good person? No. That that

5:54

gives him good attributes that could make him a good person,

5:57

but that doesn't make him a good person. How many of those guys spend most

6:01

of their money helping others? Not a lot. There's some, but most of them

6:04

don't because we're selfish. And that's exactly what I was. I was selfish. I

6:08

didn't care about anybody else than myself. So everything I did was for my

6:12

own little pleasure. And there was nobody there to teach me to

6:16

say, listen, as a man, you need to be serving others.

6:21

Because that's what men are supposed to do. If you look throughout history,

6:24

men build societies in which their

6:27

family can thrive in. Because nature's brutal.

6:32

So let's build a wall between us and nature by creating societies where

6:36

we can all participate and build a better place for our children and our

6:39

wives. That's what men do. We we build, we protect,

6:43

and we provide for them. But we don't teach that to our kids anymore

6:47

because this is technically saying that there's gender rules. And

6:50

how dare you say that there's gender rules. Right? But at the same

6:54

time, 33 to 40% of young men right now are raised

6:58

without their father in the house. Can a woman really teach a a

7:02

boy how to become a how to become a man? They can't. It

7:06

takes a man to teach a man to teach a boy how to become a

7:08

man in the same way as a father can't teach his daughter how to become

7:12

a woman. But he can make sure that he's surrounded that he surrounds

7:15

her by women that are good women that can teach her. And the

7:19

same is true for men. And this is what I lacked. My mother did not

7:23

do that. My mother did not think about this, so my mother tried to play

7:26

both roles. But what happens when you're trying to be the mother and the father

7:29

at the same time? You mess up both. And that's

7:33

what happened. And, you know, within the span of a year or so,

7:37

I was dropping out of school. I was partying every day. I was a

7:41

drug addict. I was drinking every day, which makes me an alcoholic.

7:45

I was a thief. I was selling drugs to support a habit.

7:48

Within 3 years, I lived by myself. And

7:52

now all I did is that. I didn't care about anything else.

7:56

All I did was party, sell

7:59

drugs to support my habits. That's it. That was my life for almost 7

8:03

years. Wow.

8:07

But that's what happens when men are left without supervision. Like,

8:11

back in the days, like, 20, I'm 41. So 27 years

8:15

ago, this was not the norm. But

8:18

today, you're talking about 33% to 40 percent of boys,

8:22

depending on the study that you look at, are growing up with other fathers.

8:26

And I'm not saying the father's left. I'm just saying that there's divorce rates.

8:30

And 90% of the time that there's a divorce, the kids end up with the

8:33

with the mother. And the father is extracted. Like, he he's not in a

8:36

relationship or he sees them every now and then. Whenever she feels that they can

8:40

that he can see his sons. So

8:44

we're we're left in a situation that I'm not an exception anymore. I'm I'm starting

8:48

to be what you

8:56

you can find everything you're looking for online. But yet

9:00

the knowledge, the understanding of what you should be looking for is not there

9:04

anymore. So I imagine I only had access to a

9:07

few things that I like that I thought was good with

9:11

my very limited understanding. But imagine today, you take your phone,

9:15

you can deep dive in anything you want, anything you want.

9:19

So we also live in a society that

9:22

we idolize sociopath. If

9:26

you know a bit about psychology and you look at most CEOs of

9:30

massive companies, they're sociopath. What's a sociopath? Somebody that lacks

9:33

empathy. We don't teach empathy anymore. We just

9:37

how many people have you heard in your life that are self made millionaire?

9:41

Bullshit. There's not one. I don't believe for a second that there's somebody that's a

9:45

self made millionaire. There's somebody somewhere that helped you out. You didn't do it

9:48

alone, but that's how selfish we are. That's what we tell people. So instead

9:52

of telling our sons to you should you should

9:56

nurture relationships, You should surround yourself by great people,

9:59

people you look up to that can teach you the ropes, that can show you

10:03

what it is to be a man. We tell you to be selfish because you

10:06

can do it alone without anybody else in your life, which we both know

10:09

that's not true. We both know those are lies. And

10:13

what happens when you do that, you end up like I was.

10:17

And that and that's something, me and my nephew, we talk about this all the

10:21

time is the lack of a village, is

10:25

is the lack of of a community, and the lack

10:28

of people building together. And and that's what they've taken away.

10:32

They've taken away communities where people were like,

10:36

growing up, I couldn't do like, in the neighborhood I grew up in, I

10:40

couldn't do anything without my mother finding out by the time I got

10:43

home. Seriously. Like, I and

10:47

and and I would like, I'm 47 years old, so I come from a time

10:50

where I come from a time that you come from where if you did

10:54

something wrong like, on my in my in my neighborhood, if you did something wrong,

10:57

it wasn't it wasn't crazy if you if the neighborhoods

11:01

kinda took a whack at you too. Uh-huh. Yeah. It it

11:05

was it was different. It was a different time. We respect our elders.

11:09

It it was it was like I I know every time I seen someone

11:14

that was a mother one of my mother's friends or whatever, it was like, oh,

11:17

good good afternoon, missus so and so, whatever. We was very respectful.

11:21

Mhmm. And and now it just seems that now we don't have

11:25

that community aspect. Like, a lot of people don't even know their neighbor.

11:28

They don't even communicate with their neighbor. They don't have no type of relationships with

11:32

their neighbors. And, you know, the the African proverb that says

11:36

that it takes a village to raise a a kid, and it's a

11:39

100% true. I totally agree with you. And, you know, go even further

11:43

than that. Look at the difference between living in the city and living outside the

11:46

city. I spent most of my life I I come from a small town,

11:50

then I spent 20 years in big cities, and then over the

11:54

past 4 years, I spent 2 and a half of it in the middle of

11:57

nowhere. And then I've been on the road exploring the US for

12:01

almost 14 months now. So I'm used to going to small

12:05

portions or the RV parks so that's always outside the city.

12:09

I wouldn't trade living in the city for living in smaller

12:12

communities any day of the week. Like, never gonna happen. The

12:16

difference is night and day. People actually care.

12:20

And once you understand psychology, it makes sense. Like, there's a there's a book that's

12:23

called, tribal leadership, which is

12:27

mostly for business people. But the the the aspect of it explains

12:31

that over a 150 people in a company,

12:34

your company starts fractioning itself.

12:38

It starts breaking out into smaller tribe.

12:42

And it's interesting because when you start to

12:46

understand the reason why is you can only learn so many

12:49

names. You can only deal with so many people in a day to day base

12:53

that you you won't care for the outside of a 150 people,

12:57

it's almost impossible for you to know so many people to have personal

13:01

relationships with those people to a point that you care for them. So what happens?

13:05

It fractions, and that's what big cities do. It's it's there's so

13:08

many people altogether that you never take the time because you know it's

13:12

not possible. Deep down in your head, you know that it's not possible for you

13:15

to know everybody. So you don't know anybody. You and what happens

13:19

when you don't know people? You don't care for them. What happens when you don't

13:22

care for them? You're selfish. Because you don't have compassion, you're not kind, you

13:25

don't you simply don't see the relationship between you and

13:29

others. And, you know, we're

13:32

basically all from the same place. We're all interconnected.

13:37

And, you know, in Buddhism, they say that in order to

13:40

know the world, know yourself. Start by

13:44

knowing yourself, you will know the universe because we're all we're all connected.

13:48

We're all part of the same whole. Very interesting when you think

13:51

well, it's interesting in a way that this is not common sense anymore.

13:55

It's not common knowledge anymore. To say that you need others in

13:59

order to get better, that you get

14:02

better by serving others, that you should lead

14:06

by example, as Gandhi said,

14:11

be the change in the world you wanna see. Life is

14:14

not that complicated when you when you consider it. The day the day that I

14:18

started taking accountability for my actions, the day I realized that I was

14:21

not a good person, that I was a I was a thief. I heard a

14:24

lot of people that I loved. I was selfish. I didn't care. I just didn't

14:28

care. The day I realized that I was really an asshole, I'm

14:31

like, ouch. This, this makes me a

14:35

very bad person. I have two choices. I continue being the way I

14:39

am. But now that I know, I can't. I'm

14:43

I I I even though I did not

14:46

care, now that I know, I have to care. I have

14:50

to be better. I have to do something different. And that's where that's

14:54

where it's it all stems from, accountability. Take

14:57

accountability for your actions. Hell, like, hold yourself

15:01

accountable for your actions because you chose them. You don't you

15:05

don't choose the cards you're dealt. We're all born in a different situation,

15:09

but the way you choose to play them, that's a 100% on you.

15:14

So so how do you address those challenges and criticisms that come with

15:18

your unapologetic unapologetic and your controversial

15:21

approach to advocating for masculinity. How do I deal with it? Yeah. I'll

15:25

be very blunt with you. Exactly like this. There you go. This is how I

15:29

handle it. Two middle fingers right up in the air. Hey. Listen.

15:33

I I don't do anything to piss people off. I don't I don't wake up

15:36

in the morning and say, I will create some content today to really piss

15:39

people off. That's not my intent. But at the same time, I'm not

15:43

gonna tiptoe around your opinions or your feelings because they might get hurt

15:47

or you might get triggered. That doesn't belong to me. But what I talk

15:50

about, I feel it needs to be said. Like, we're talking about

15:54

just before this. We're talking about a video about Trump that's saying that

15:57

Biden's not gonna make it. You know what? I'm not a Republican, although people think

16:01

I am. But I'm not a Republican. I'm not a Democrat. But when

16:04

somebody says something right, I agree with it. When somebody says something

16:08

wrong, I disagree with it. It doesn't matter to me that yesterday I agreed with

16:12

him, and today I disagree with him. I don't know anybody I agree with a

16:15

100%, and I never will. So what's the problem

16:18

with that? How is that controversial to say that, you know what? Donald Trump is

16:22

right when he says that. Oh, RFK said something else. I don't agree with a

16:26

lot of things he says, but you know what? In that case, he's right. Bill

16:29

Maher, same thing. I don't agree with 90% of what he says, but sometimes he's

16:32

right. And when he is, I'll talk about it. I'll share it. I don't go

16:35

out there to say on purpose, let's piss people off.

16:39

But what's right is right. We we as men are supposed to be

16:43

courageous. This is the number one thing. Every man out there should be courageous. If

16:46

you're not courageous, that means you're not dependable. Because in a stress environment,

16:50

in a in a stress situation, nobody knows how you're gonna react because you're not

16:54

courageous. Somebody that's courageous is always gonna react the same way. Do

16:57

what needs to get done when it needs to get done no matter the situation

17:00

in which he finds himself in. But if you're not courageous, you're not

17:04

we we can't know how you're gonna react. So your family can depend on

17:08

you, your community can depend on you. And you're

17:12

asking me how do I do it simply by being courageous. I know every

17:15

single time I post something that a third to half of the comments are not

17:18

gonna be good. Every time I open my phone, I turn my phone on and

17:22

I I I sorry. I turn my apps on and I go check. I know

17:26

for a fact that it's gonna be stuff insulting me left and right. That's fine.

17:29

I don't care. It's my, I don't know if you

17:33

believe in God, but I do. And I believe that God will always

17:37

give me something I can handle, no matter what. I know what I'm supposed to

17:40

do. I have purpose in this life to help others

17:43

no matter what the consequences are. Like me or not, that's fine. I I

17:47

will live my purpose no matter what it means. I don't have a relationship

17:51

with my family because they don't like the way I am. I'm not gonna apologize

17:54

for it. It doesn't belong to me. You don't agree with me? That's

17:58

fine. That's okay. But at the

18:02

same time, am I gonna stop sharing my opinions because people

18:06

might not like it? I quit my corporate job that I could have stayed at

18:10

for the rest of my life and makes 100 and 100 of 1000 every year,

18:13

But I didn't like it because I couldn't share my opinion. So I'd

18:17

rather I'd rather share my opinion and start from the

18:21

beginning again, then just coast around for the rest

18:24

of my life, keeping not standing up for anything, not being

18:28

courageous, just letting people tell me what I should believe and

18:32

live a life of I don't wanna say a

18:36

mediocre life, but years ago, I read a

18:40

study that the guys went around and they spoke to people that were

18:43

dying on their deathbed. And they asked them, what are

18:47

your biggest regrets? You know what the biggest regret is?

18:53

Living a life that others expected of them and not living the life they wanted

18:56

to live. Never. Since

19:00

I read that, I'm like, hell no. Never gonna happen. I will live

19:04

I'm a good person. Deep down, I'm a good man. I mean well.

19:08

If everything that I do, I do it with good intentions.

19:13

I follow my heart. So

19:17

can you say that I'm doing wrong? No. I'm not.

19:20

Plus the truth hurts. In a world where common

19:24

sense is no longer common, the truth

19:27

hurts. So am I surprised that people are calling me

19:31

names or calling me this or calling me that? No. Because if they didn't, that

19:35

means I wasn't going to have an I wasn't having an impact. The more

19:38

people I hate, the more I know deep down they

19:42

care. Because if they didn't care, you know what they would have done? They would

19:45

have skipped forward. They just would have skipped they would have skipped to the next

19:48

one, but they took the time. When somebody calls me name,

19:52

you took time out of your day to stop,

19:56

press comment, write a comment, type post, and I respond

20:00

to most comments. And if you respond on top

20:04

of it, you care. Because if you didn't, you would have skipped.

20:08

So at the end of the day, you care. So I will engage with you.

20:13

Makes sense. Definitely makes sense. I think so. Thank you. I

20:16

appreciate that because in my head, it makes sense to you.

20:20

So so what inspired you to write your book Purpose? How you

20:24

how following your personal legend is the answer to your mid midlife crisis?

20:28

Because I went through it. I I you know,

20:32

back in 2020 when we all know what happened happened,

20:37

I I was put in a situation because I refused to take

20:41

the medication. I was threatened by my job that

20:44

they would fire me. And in Canada, the restrictions were brutal.

20:48

And, you know, when that happened, I I moved to

20:52

the woods because I was a sales engineer. I was wearing a suit. I was

20:55

in front of customers day in, day out. Right? So I needed to be in

20:57

the city where my customers were. But I had an investment house in the middle

21:01

of nowhere. So when all of that got canceled, I'm like, okay. I can

21:05

work remotely. I'll work from the middle of nowhere. So I literally lived

21:09

imagine this for a second. The most Canadian thing you can imagine, log house,

21:13

top of a mountain in the middle of the woods. That's where I lived.

21:17

And I stayed there for two and a half years. And for about a year

21:20

and a half, I was by myself. And as an

21:24

extrovert that normally had woke up at 3 or 4 o'clock in the

21:27

morning, studied, went to the gym,

21:31

went to work, taught martial arts. Those were my

21:34

days. This is what I did day in, day out. Now I was in a

21:38

situation with no distractions. I had my my 9 to 5 still, but but all

21:41

the rest of the time I was by myself doing

21:45

what? I had nobody around me. I built myself a gym,

21:49

so, okay, I was exercising. But outside of that, I spent time alone with

21:52

my dog. You tend to have a lot of

21:56

time to reflect on yourself and reflect on

22:01

what you've done. And considering I was in a situation where I was being threatened

22:04

by my job, like, that was my career that I worked at for about

22:08

20 years to get where I was, that were threatening me, this

22:12

and that. If you don't do this, this is what's gonna happen. I'm like, okay.

22:15

Cool. I don't control this. But what do I

22:18

control? My reaction. Right? So what are my

22:21

transferable skills? What can I do? It's no different. Most most

22:25

people out there might not be faced with a job

22:29

that's trying to fire you. But the feeling after a while,

22:32

like, between 35 to 45, you will every man out there gets to a point

22:36

where they start looking at what they they've accomplished. And

22:40

and you know what? That's a fact that I'm halfway there. If you if

22:44

you think that life expense, expectancy for a man is between

22:47

72 and 80, that means as a 41 year old, I'm more than halfway

22:51

there. I'm on the back 9 as I I like to play golf. I'm on

22:54

the back 9. Coming back to the I'm coming I'm on my way back

22:58

to, to putting my stuff in my car and calling it a day.

23:01

Right? Yeah. You start to realize, you're like, what have I accomplished?

23:05

What have I done? Have I helped others? Have I? Have I

23:09

helped others? And then you start realizing that,

23:13

man, I'm meant for more than just this. I'm meant for more than

23:16

just a 9 to 5. If we take into consideration that the

23:20

biggest regret is not living a life that

23:24

you wanted to live, that puts it in perspective to me

23:27

to say, maybe you, you know, spending time alone by

23:31

myself is the best thing I've ever done because it gave me time to

23:35

reflect. It gave me time to be bored. It gave me time to think. It

23:38

gave me time to reevaluate everything

23:41

that I thought was real to me. Because when you're just grinding,

23:45

grinding, grinding, grinding, grinding, grinding, grinding, day in, day out, time

23:49

flies. Next thing you know, you're 45 years old, you're like, ew, what the

23:53

hell just happened? And most men don't have the

23:56

structure to say they don't have a man, an older guy to say, hey, bro,

24:00

you gotta be careful, man. You gotta be careful because the

24:04

next thing you know, you'll be 60. Now what are you gonna

24:08

do? That we don't have people around us to smack us on the shoulder and

24:11

say, bro, it's time for you to calm down a second. Sit

24:15

back and you know, if you were smart, you built a career, you built

24:19

knowledge. There's nothing stopping you for start doing it,

24:22

doing something else, something that's going to be more meaningful in your

24:26

life. Because, you know, purpose the book

24:30

Purpose I wrote for men 35 I like to think like, let's say, let's

24:34

say 40. Men around 40. I assume that if

24:37

you're at that point in your life, you had children, you provided

24:41

for them, you did the best that you could to be there for your children.

24:46

That means that for the first time in your life, because think about it, to

24:48

me there's 3 purposes. A boy becoming a man through rights of

24:52

passages, through more mature men teaching him how to do that. A man

24:56

becoming a good man, a man that's dependable, a man that's a protector,

24:59

that's a provider, a man that serves. And then once that guy has

25:03

served, he's been selfless for a long time. Now

25:07

he's like, okay. I'm at a point where my kids are taken care of, my

25:10

wife's taken care of, I have a career, I have skills, I have knowledge, I

25:14

have wisdom. What's the next step? What can I do to really leave an

25:17

impact on this planet? Whatever that means to you because we all have a different

25:21

path to follow. But that's the question. This is what

25:25

the middle life crisis is for a man, but we ridiculed it to a point

25:28

where men don't even wanna say it anymore. They don't even wanna

25:32

admit that they feel like shit that they're like, man. And and we're

25:36

talking guys have careers. We're talking brilliant guys, but at the the middle

25:39

of their soul, they're like, man, there has to be something more than this.

25:43

That can't be it. That just can't be it. That's

25:47

why the that's why I wrote the book. Because as I I went through it

25:50

and then I reflected over the past year and I'm like, man, there there

25:54

has to be men that are going through the exact same thing.

25:58

And what do you do? What do those men

26:02

do? Because that's the question. Right? Yeah. No. It

26:05

was for me, like like you said, I was

26:09

just going through the motion of life. I didn't have my purpose. I didn't know

26:13

what else. I didn't know what I was meant to do in in this world.

26:17

And, I got furloughed from my job, and

26:22

I was home doing

26:25

nothing, isolated from everybody because I live in the mountains in

26:28

Pennsylvania. Nice. So so it was it was

26:32

nothing much to do, and I started

26:36

podcasting Mhmm. And and

26:39

started having some wonderful conversations and started learning so much and

26:43

started developing skills, like editing

26:46

audio, video, all these different these different things that I didn't

26:50

know I was capable of doing. It's not it's not like I was I'm from

26:54

the media. No. I'm a I'm a table games dealer at a casino.

26:58

Nice. And and so but I had I've

27:02

had some life experiences. I was widowed at 31,

27:06

spent many years being self destructive, didn't care

27:09

about life. And it was just like I suffered one tragedy after another

27:13

after another. And I was lost for some for for quite a few

27:17

years, like, just drinking myself to a drunken stupid,

27:21

just just being self destructive. And

27:25

and one day, and I'm I'm not a religious

27:29

person. I don't follow a certain religion, but I am a believer. I do

27:32

believe in God. I I and so one day, I'm I'm

27:37

I'm going through all the struggles that I'm going through and everything, and

27:40

something speaks to me and says, this isn't your path. You're you're

27:44

better than this. You need to get you need to turn your life around.

27:48

And and and after that after I after that, I

27:52

went, sought sought help, started speaking to a counselor

27:55

to deal with my grief and everything that I've been through and just

27:59

started changing my mindset. Stop focusing on and

28:03

on on being angry all the

28:06

time over some things that I had no control over Mhmm.

28:10

And and and started focusing more on

28:14

what what am what am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do?

28:16

What am I here for? And I started getting into

28:20

self development. I got back into self development and

28:24

just changed my mindset and started focusing on on living

28:28

being a better being a good man. And when I started doing

28:32

that, things started falling in place. I I I met my wife that I'm with

28:36

now, started just things just

28:39

started going in a much better

28:43

direction. And it it took me

28:48

to really face the grief that I was

28:52

dealing with and and face everything that was just the

28:55

anger issues. Mhmm. Because my

28:59

I hence, like, it was crazy because I lose my wife in 08.

29:04

09, I reunite with my father that I haven't I haven't seen

29:08

in 25 years. Didn't know nothing

29:12

about him. Reunite with

29:15

him. I go see him Father's Day weekend

29:20

of 09. I get there Friday.

29:24

I I forgive him. We we we say y'all peace and all

29:28

everything. The next morning, he passes away.

29:32

That's a beautiful thing, man. So it was like

29:35

I'm like so I'm going through I'm I'm just not 1 year removed from losing

29:39

my wife to reunite with my dad only to lose him the next

29:42

day. And so I'm like,

29:48

why me? Why am I such a bad person that all this is happening to

29:51

me? And then late a few years later, I realized

29:55

that if God

29:59

didn't believe I was strong enough to handle these situations,

30:03

he wouldn't have put this the the he wouldn't have put this on me. You're

30:06

banging on. Yeah. If he didn't think I could deal with this

30:10

and deal with these struggles and deal with then he it it wouldn't have been

30:13

put on me. God will never get give you something you

30:17

can't handle. Yeah. That doesn't mean he's not gonna push you to the

30:21

extreme, that he's not gonna kick you to your knees and say, you know

30:24

what, bro? Let's go. On the contrary, that he will do

30:28

that, but it's never more than you can handle. You can

30:32

always, always handle it. Yeah. Like I said, I'm not a

30:35

religious person, but I am a spiritual person. I do believe in God. I believe

30:39

I do believe I have a purpose, and and and

30:43

being able to to do my podcast and express myself and have

30:47

these conversations and have people come tell tell their stories.

30:50

Mhmm. It's been it's

30:54

been amazing because when I get those messages from people, they're like, yo,

30:58

this episode I heard from you, thank you. Mhmm.

31:01

Or this episode over here, man, oh, man. It was really great

31:05

conversation. And it's those comments that I'm like,

31:08

okay. If I impacted one person's life, I am doing

31:12

the right thing because it's a ripple effect. You don't know what kind of

31:16

effect that person's gonna have on someone else. How

31:20

do you change the world? One man at a time. Mhmm. How

31:23

do you change the world? One community at a time. One

31:27

man changes one community, one community ends up changing the world.

31:31

It's it's very simple when you think about it,

31:34

but it means you need to embrace something greater

31:38

than yourself. And, you know,

31:41

you you look at today, I'm not somebody that believes in depression. I don't think

31:45

depression is real. I think depression's a cop out. And the reason I say this

31:49

is have you ever met somebody that has purpose that's

31:53

depressed? Have you ever met somebody

31:57

that's depressed that has purpose? So,

32:01

you know, a man a man's life without purpose is meaningless.

32:06

No doubt they're gonna be depressed because they don't know why they're here. Yeah.

32:09

Is there something more torturing for your mind

32:14

than not knowing where you belong, not knowing why you're here?

32:17

And and take even further than that. Imagine that you believe with

32:21

all your soul that you don't belong.

32:25

Not that you don't know because it escalates. Right? You can

32:29

be convinced that you have no reasons to be here.

32:33

Like, look at what happened with your father. You lose your you lose your wife

32:36

in 0 8, then in 0 9, you meet your father after 25 years and

32:39

then he dies. There's 2 ways you can see this. You

32:43

can see it as, man, god's punishing me.

32:47

What did I do wrong? It's his fault. What an asshole. That guy

32:50

that there there's no such thing as a loving God. I'm the living proof and

32:54

say, screw you, man. I don't like you and get away from

32:57

me. Or you can understand that you gave your

33:01

father probably the best gift you could have given him. That the only reason he

33:04

died the day after is because he was at peace. So

33:08

there's this is really where being mindful of

33:12

what's going on, like, around you understanding that there's no

33:16

such thing as coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. The only reason

33:19

you don't understand why is because you're not taking the time to understand

33:23

it. Or it's possible that you're not supposed to understand that

33:27

you do not possess all the knowledge. Like, I say this all the time where

33:30

human beings, we play checkers. God plays chess.

33:34

We have no idea what all the moves are. We have no idea

33:38

that our suffering right now is to build us in order to produce

33:42

something better 10 years from now. Because pain and suffering are the

33:46

greatest of teachers. Nobody changes because everything's going well in their

33:49

lives. People change when they hit rock bottom, when

33:53

continuing to do the same thing is no longer an option because they arts

33:57

too much. This is when people change. When you're

34:01

you know, Einstein described insanity as doing the same thing

34:04

over and over and over again expecting a different result. This is what

34:08

happens when somebody changes. When when there's really deep rooted change

34:11

in someone is because they're so much in pain

34:15

that they don't have a choice. It's no longer an option. You need to change

34:19

because you cannot take it anymore. And your two choices

34:22

are put a bullet through your head, or just admit that if your

34:26

life sucks, it's your fault. That happiness is not a

34:30

goal, is not a destination. It's a mindset. You choose

34:34

to be happy. You choose to see good things in your life. Because guess what?

34:38

You might be happy this morning and be pissed at night. That's life.

34:41

That's life. And it's a it's

34:45

a state of mind. And you can't build that state of

34:49

mind if you don't take accountability for who you are, for what you are and

34:52

what you should become. So to me hearing that I never got the chance

34:56

to speak to my father. Like when he left I saw him in a handful

34:59

of time. He died when I was 29. And I wish I would have sat

35:03

down with him. I wish I would have taken the time to just go see

35:07

him even if it was just for one day, just to say no

35:10

judgment, no nothing. I'm not pissed at him for leaving. I'm

35:14

not. It's you know? I'm not I don't know the whole story. Yeah. I

35:18

know what my mother told me, but when's the last time you

35:21

heard somebody hold a 100% of the facts? Never. It's

35:25

always the way they perceive it, and then he asked the other person.

35:29

It's a different way. And, you know, I look at the relationship that I

35:33

have with my mother now, and I can see how she could have made his

35:36

life extremely difficult to see us. Am I apologizing for

35:39

him? No. Because he was a coward. But

35:43

does that mean he he did not deserve to be loved by his son? Does

35:47

that need does that mean that he couldn't have been there for

35:50

his son? I don't believe that anybody's too far gone to be

35:54

saved. I don't think that you know, there's

35:58

situations where it's gonna be very rough, but

36:03

look at you. 25 years later, do you know how much hate he must have

36:07

had for himself to have done that? And after a while, it's just

36:10

he's so it's so normal to him to be in pain that he just takes

36:14

it. It doesn't hurt enough, but he just takes it. That's what the comfort

36:17

zone is. Right? But yet chances are

36:21

you gave him peace before he died. That's a

36:25

that's beautiful, bro. Like, really, that's that's super cool, like, from a third

36:29

party. He's I'm talking as a third party. I'm not saying it was cool to

36:32

you, but to me No. No. It it it was it was it was

36:36

like that and it's crazy because, my brother from

36:39

from from his from from my father's side, he's

36:43

he he called it. He said he told my younger brother, he says when

36:47

when when dad sees will, he he's gonna he's

36:50

gonna move on. Because he was sick already. He was and his

36:54

thing was, I'm I'm gonna die, and I'm never gonna see my son again. Mhmm.

36:58

I'm never gonna be able to tell my son how much I love him. And

37:01

and so when when I was and I had and the crazy thing was I

37:05

had already forgiven him years prior. Mhmm. And

37:08

so to to really sit down

37:12

with him and tell him, like, listen. It's okay. I'm I'm fine.

37:16

I'm it's it's legit. Like,

37:20

I I I'm no longer angry with you. We can build something

37:23

from here on out. And so to to

37:27

have that closure in a way was it

37:31

was something that was it was really

37:35

at at the moment, at that time, I wasn't looking at it that way. I

37:38

was Oh, okay. It was more it was more why

37:42

me? Why why why does god hate me so much? And

37:45

but years later, after

37:49

when when I got out of my own head and got out of the clouds

37:52

and and really started wanting to live,

37:56

it it it was that, okay.

38:00

Yeah. He we got closure. I was able to tell him,

38:04

I forgive you for for everything that I've been

38:07

through and and not having you in my life for the last so being able

38:11

to to express that to him and and let

38:14

him know that it was we were good we were on good terms.

38:18

And so now I realize, yes, it was it was

38:22

a it was a special moment.

38:26

And, you know, it this is why God is so beautiful when it comes to

38:30

this. He gave you an opportunity to

38:34

have closure. Mhmm. This is something I will never

38:37

have. I will never have that type of closure with my biological dad. It's never

38:41

gonna happen. But at the same time, the fact that he left

38:45

and left out a hole has given me purpose.

38:49

I do this. I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing right now

38:53

if I hadn't been through it. So at

38:56

the same this is why I can't be pissed at my dad. I'm not mad

39:00

at him. I'm not men, if I if I meet him in heaven, it'll be

39:04

all hugging. I'll give him a handshake. I'll hug him and that'll be the end

39:07

of it. Because at the end of the day, my life purpose is based on

39:11

helping men because he left. So as much as he did it

39:15

in the wrong way, the effect

39:19

again, we play checkers, God plays chess. You think that's a

39:22

coincidence? No. There's a reason why he left. I might never know it or

39:26

maybe it's as simple as saying that my purpose in life is

39:30

so much greater than having my father in my life. It could be as

39:33

simple as that because I needed that hurt in order to learn and become the

39:37

man that I am today. And you're absolutely right. And and and it's crazy because

39:41

someone asked me, do you grant all the loss and everything that's happened in your life?

39:49

And I said no. My my answer to them

39:53

was no. I said, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone else.

39:57

Seriously, I said I wouldn't wish it upon anyone else, But, no,

40:01

I don't regret anything that's happened in my life because it's made me who I

40:04

am. This is this was the path that was chosen for me.

40:09

And and like like we said before, he won't give me

40:12

anything I can't like, I can't if I can't he wouldn't

40:16

burden me with something that I couldn't carry. This is where it's beautiful when you start accepting those things. Yeah. When

40:24

you start accepting that you know, we're so arrogant

40:28

when we believe that God is punishing us. We're so arrogant because

40:32

we claim to understand everything. Yet it does not

40:36

belong to us. It does not belong to you. It does not belong to me.

40:39

I cannot choose most of the situations in which I find myself

40:43

in. But you know what I choose? The way I the way I react to

40:47

it. Mhmm. The way I choose to see them, that's mine. That

40:50

belongs to me. To try to see the good in things,

40:54

I'm an optimist. At the end of the day, I'm an optimist. If I see

40:58

a situation, I will try to see what was the good out of that

41:01

situation. Because, again, if you understand and admit

41:05

and accept that pain and suffering are the greatest teachers,

41:09

that means that if you're if you're meant

41:13

to learn, you're gonna have to suffer. So, basically, if God

41:17

loves you and wants you to become a better person, he will make you

41:21

suffer. Not enough to destroy you, just enough

41:25

because, again, we said it multiple times, just enough to what he knows you

41:28

can take because he knows the person you're gonna become

41:33

outside, like, once that you've gone through it is

41:37

gonna be exponentially better than what you were before. And this is the

41:40

key. How many times in your life can you think of all the

41:44

of how many times in your life have you been in the situation where you're,

41:47

man, I don't know how I'm gonna make it out of this. It's so bad

41:50

right now. It could be financially, it could be emotionally, it could be

41:54

whatever. It could be literal physical pain and say I'll never get through

41:57

this. At the moment, it seems impossible, but then

42:01

you get through it. And if you're self aware, you'll take the

42:05

time to reflect on it and say, man. If I had to go through this

42:09

again right now, it'd be a breeze because I know what to expect. I've been

42:12

there before. I know I I know what it is. I know what to

42:16

expect, and I'm way stronger than I was now. And

42:19

maybe it's not physically. Maybe you lost something, but mentally you

42:23

are. And this is the beautiful thing. This is where life is so freaking

42:27

beautiful. When you start understanding that

42:30

there's no such thing as a coincidence, God will not give you more

42:34

than you can handle, and you going through it will

42:38

make you better. Absolutely.

42:42

It's simple. Yeah. No. It's great. Life is simple, man.

42:46

I'm not saying it's easy. No. It's beautiful. Simple and easy

42:50

are not the same thing at all. There's a massive difference

42:54

between the 2. But life is simple.

42:58

Very hard. Not easy at all, but extremely simple.

43:02

Yeah. It it is. It's but like you said, it's not

43:05

easy. It's definitely not easy, going through

43:09

the stuff we go through in life. But it's it's it's again, it's how

43:13

you respond to it. It's like you said before, it's how you have no

43:17

control over everything, but it's how you respond to it is how you can

43:21

it's what you control. Bruce Lee said, don't wish for an

43:25

easy life. Wish for the will to go

43:28

through a hard one. I'm bastardizing his quote, but

43:32

let's say that that's those are the words. That's what he meant. It's something similar

43:36

to that. Yeah. He's Chinese, so he didn't know how to speak English. Right? No.

43:39

I'm just kidding. But you you know what I'm saying. It's don't wish for an

43:43

easy life. There's nothing to be learned out of an easy life.

43:47

And I believe I I I know for a fact that we're

43:50

here to learn. What was the what would be the

43:54

point? What would be the point of us living if the the

43:57

the whole goal wasn't to come here to learn? Experience it. To

44:01

be better. You know, when

44:05

I I read, I'm a big fan of mythology, and

44:09

I read Egyptian mythology. And they were

44:12

explaining how in their belief

44:16

system when they face God in order to go to heaven,

44:20

God will take their heart and put it on a scale. And if that

44:24

scale and on the other side of the scale is a feather. If your heart

44:27

is lighter is lighter than the feather, you're accepted in hell. What

44:31

does that you're accepted in heaven. What does that mean?

44:35

You don't have any remorse. You've lived a good life. You've done more good than

44:39

bad. Your heart will be lighter than a feather. And this

44:43

is I think about this all the time. I the day I meet my

44:46

maker, I wanna be able to tell to look at him in the eyes and

44:49

tell him I've done more good than bad.

44:55

How simpler can it be to live your life by those standards to say

44:58

that I will help others, I'll be compassionate,

45:02

I'll be kind, I'll be there to serve. I'll

45:05

lead by example. I'll try to be better. I'm

45:09

broken. My father was broken. Your father was broken. You're broken.

45:14

And you know what? It doesn't matter, I will still try. I

45:18

will still try knowing that I'm a sinner. I'll still

45:21

try knowing that I'm broken inside, that there's things that are never

45:25

gonna be okay, but I can deal with them. I can be better.

45:30

The easiest thing was to give up. Oh, yeah. The

45:34

easiest thing was for for me to give up in my own life, and

45:38

but that's not that's not what I was here for. That, again, that's not what

45:42

my purpose was was it was I had to experience what I

45:46

went through so that I'm so that I could have

45:49

this experience, so that I can come on to the podcast and and

45:53

discuss what I went through and and and

45:57

my struggles and how I've overcome those

46:00

struggles and and turned my life around. It's it's

46:04

just and to have you come on and tell your story and and

46:08

everything you've been through to come out where you're at

46:11

now, This this was this was meant to happen. This this

46:15

interview was was supposed to happen. This

46:19

was supposed to happen so we can come out and share this message that

46:23

and and one of the things you talk about is that men be are

46:26

under attack, and we are. Mhmm. We are. Look look at a

46:30

lot of the situations where, Jonathan

46:34

Majors, he's going through some legal stuff right now

46:37

where his girlfriend accused him of of abuse,

46:41

and it comes out that she was the one who's the abuser. She was the

46:45

one that hit him, but yet

46:49

they arrested her, decided not to

46:52

press charges, and sealed the documents,

46:57

and yet he's going to trial.

47:02

Or what How is that possible? You know, look. In

47:05

Canada, if let's say my girlfriend and I are in my house, the house that's

47:08

under my name that I paid for, but she lives with me. Let's say that's

47:11

the situation. She starts hitting me. I'm a big

47:15

guy, and I fight myself not to do anything.

47:18

I just restrain her. I call the police. The police comes. Do you know who

47:22

they take out? Me. That's the law in

47:25

Canada. I'm automatically taken out of

47:29

my own place because, technically, I'm the violent one

47:33

even though that's not the case. Wow. But that's how

47:37

it works. So, you know,

47:40

this is a a whole different topic, but we live in

47:44

a society today that good men are taken for granted. And I'm not saying Major

47:48

is a good man. I don't know him. Yeah. Yeah. But what I'm saying is

47:52

women are taking men for granted. Men women have have the

47:56

audacity and the privilege to say that they don't need men.

47:59

Yet, what who's who who do they call

48:03

when they need help? A man. Often,

48:07

a big man with a gun. Who do they need when their house is on

48:10

fire? A man. Who fixes their car? Men. Who fixes their plumbing?

48:14

Men. Who does who picks up their garbage? Men. Who

48:18

fixes the house that they live in? Men. Who build a society in which they

48:22

live that they can be so privileged that they they can show so much

48:25

arrogance and say that they don't need men. Men.

48:29

So this is we're so disconnected. And I'm not trying to blame women here. I'm

48:33

just saying that we're so far disconnected from each other. It makes

48:37

0 sense. 0 zero zero sense that now

48:41

we're to a point where if a woman says something,

48:44

men needs to be extremely careful. Because if she says that it's true,

48:48

you're gonna be crucified before you ever enter court.

48:53

And this is what's happening with majors. Mhmm. So this is

48:57

this to me makes no sense. How can you be crucified by public opinion?

49:01

But this is the life that this is where we live in. And I

49:05

feel bad for young men out there. I really, really feel bad for them because

49:09

they're not, they don't have a lot of options.

49:13

They have to be extremely careful. Man, I remember years ago, I

49:17

was on a date with a girl that I've seen multiple times. We we had

49:20

become, like, personal, intimate, if you will.

49:24

Yeah. And she's at my place. And for some reason, there

49:27

was alcohol involved. I don't really drink anymore because some of those situations

49:31

are uncontrollable. But that was a bad situation,

49:35

so I just asked her to leave. I'm just like, you know what? This is

49:38

crap. Well, I'm not dealing with this. Please leave. I

49:42

had I took my phone out, and I started recording. I made sure I

49:46

called an Uber that was under my name to make sure that if the police

49:50

ever showed up, somebody I could track it on my phone to say

49:54

I put her in that in that driver. That

49:57

driver will attest that she was okay. He dropped her home. But I

50:01

recorded the whole thing just because of what you see going on.

50:05

Mhmm. It's so dangerous for men. I feel.

50:09

But how insane is that? It should it shouldn't

50:13

have come down to that. Abs absolutely. But the way society is

50:16

now, you have to protect yourself. If you're a man, you need to be

50:20

smart. Yeah. You really, really need to be smart. Some predicaments like that.

50:23

Absolutely. And it's it's unfortunate because 40 years ago is not

50:27

something we needed to think about. Mhmm. So we're

50:31

again, it comes down to awareness. As we were talking earlier, you need

50:35

to be very aware of yourself, your actions, who you

50:39

allow around yourself. You are you are the sum

50:42

of the 5 people closest to you. You are.

50:46

If you have toxic people around you, chances are your life is gonna

50:50

be toxic. So don't

50:53

allow people that you know shouldn't be there because they're hot and you like to

50:57

sleep with them. But,

51:01

Nico, man, this has been a wonderful conversation, brother, man. I've

51:04

times the time flies when you're having some great conversation, man. Like, we're

51:08

almost we're almost up to an hour, man. It's this

51:12

has been great. But now you get the solo screen where you get to plug

51:15

away, let everybody know where they can find your book. Yeah. Yeah. It's the the

51:20

your show, everything. Nicholagan.com.

51:23

Under resources, you can find my book purpose.

51:27

I I had a great guy do the narration, and

51:31

don't pay for it. You don't need to go to Amazon and pay for it.

51:33

You can have it for free on my website. I'm giving it away. You can

51:37

find all my social media there. You can find all the appearances that I'm doing

51:40

on podcast because I'm doing a bunch of them right now. But if you wanna

51:44

stay up to date to what I'm doing, just name the social media I'm on

51:47

it. I'm on, like, 8 different social media that I post on every day. So

51:54

Alright, man. Thank you so much for being a guest, man. I greatly appreciate

51:57

it. Thanks for having me on, man. Oh, definitely. Definitely, man.

52:01

But don't leave just yet. Let me close out the show, and, me and you

52:04

chat a little bit more often. Man. No worries. But,

52:08

let me just close it out right quick. Yeah, man. Alright,

52:12

man. That was a great show. Shout out to everybody who tuned in. Latina and

52:15

Cali, thank you for leaving all those comments. Greatly appreciate it.

52:20

Big shout out to my RealWise fan, Papi j, Brandy j. Love you

52:23

guys. Big shout out to the boss lady. Love you and appreciate you,

52:26

baby. And as always, a big, big shout out to all the essential

52:30

workers out there. God bless y'all. Be safe. You know

52:34

how your boy, Wise, does it? Peace