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You're listening to episode 55

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of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast

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and today we're going to talk about what it means

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to suffer with a purpose in

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parenting . Now

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, many people think this

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feels a little odd

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, out of place . What are you talking about ? I love

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my child , I want this child

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, my child's amazing . Why would

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I think of any time with them as

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suffering ? But

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here's what I mean we

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can get in rhythms with our kids

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where we want to avoid

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any sort of upsets . We

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don't like when they start crying and

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tantruming or arguing

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and pushing with us , and

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so we

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start to avoid

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the things that cause them to be upset

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. And then people come to me with

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those issues and say , like this is

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like making me not enjoy parenting

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. And I say to

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that person it sounds like you're

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suffering in circles and

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we need to get you on track where you're suffering with

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a purpose instead Not

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sure how or why or what

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I mean . That's what today

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is all about . Let's dive in . Hello

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and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting

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Podcast . Let me tell you , friend , this

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place is different . We fill that

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gap between gentle parenting and harsh

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discipline that's really missing

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to parent with kindness and firmness

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at the same time and

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give you the exact steps

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to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic

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and effective and , for that reason

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, finally feel sustainable

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. Welcome . What

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it means is , first of all , if you have

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frustrations with your kids , like

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they don't sit at the dinner table or they

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don't eat anything and then they're

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snacking all evening long because they didn't

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eat any dinner and they're starving , or

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you have

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had times that they just are often

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fighting in the car with each other . Or

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you find that you're trying to get out the door every

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morning just involves 75 reminders and nagging each other . Or you find that you're trying to get out the door every morning just involves 75

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reminders and nagging and repeating

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. Or you have to just do it for them . You've

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tried to initiate chores , but it

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just like so much whining and complaining

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that it's like fine , you just let it go

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. Or they beg so much for TV

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or video game time or games

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on a phone or iPad that you

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end up just not

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wanting to have another battle . All

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of that is suffering

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in circles . You

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are frustrated and yet the solutions

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of how you're handling it are never

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making it better . It's

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like Groundhog's day . How come

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again we're battling over tech time

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? How come again . We're battling over

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the what you need to eat

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for dinner and what you can eat in the evening , again about

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how you're handling things with your sibling , again

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about what you are

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upset about in the car and you're screaming at me

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. Why are we in circles

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and circles again and again ? If

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you can relate to any of those examples

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, friend , you are suffering in circles

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. Let's face it . There is

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suffering in parenting and there's some

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suffering that we can't avoid . I'm

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going to say again we love our amazing

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kids . Don't get me wrong . I all

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I ever wanted was to be a mom and I still . It's my

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favorite thing that I get to do in the world and

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I'm going to be honest . There are parts that include

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the feeling of suffering , like changing

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diapers again and again

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and again . And right after you just changed

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a child into their nice

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last outfit that you have and they have an explosion

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everywhere and you have no clothes left

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to give them . We can't avoid

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that kind of suffering . We cannot

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avoid the suffering of

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needing to carry a child around until

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they're able to walk and how that

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hurts our back and that hurts you know

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our lifestyle to have

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to take strollers everywhere . There

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is . There's many areas

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of parenting with struggle that

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we cannot avoid . What

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I want to help you with is the parts

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of parenting that are hard , that

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you actually can avoid

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. And here's the biggest

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myth that I see people doing

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they stay stuck suffering in circles

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. Why ? Why are they suffering in

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circles ? Because they

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are focused on the wrong P word

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. Why

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are people focused on the wrong P word

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? Because somehow I don't know how this

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got into so much of our language we

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think that if we are struggling with

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our kids' upsets and their way that they're

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pushing against our boundaries , that

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we are the problem , that

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somehow we need to change and be either more permissive

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or more patient . No-transcript

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and no , I don't want

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that to be where you end up . There is a

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third option . It's

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not patience , permissiveness versus

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explosions . What

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you , what will help you to

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have less of the

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suffering in circles , is to start

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suffering with a purpose . That

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middle place is that you

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understand how

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you want to kindly and firmly

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have clear boundaries kind

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and firm , clear boundaries

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and you start

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being consistent about

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agreements in advance . Follow

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through and what your clear

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expectations are of your kids . Follow

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through and what your clear expectations

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are of your kids and you

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start to see a difference . Now

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don't get me wrong . It is hard to be consistent , absolutely . It is hard to remain kind and

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firm . There's probably some part inside of you that's like

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I don't like being as firm . It's

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hard for me because I see them upset

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about it , or some part of you that's like it's

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hard to bring in kindness and have to

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like talk about feelings . I just want to say do the

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thing and have them do it . So I

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get it . It is hard , it takes effort

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to change our habits and

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grow wherever we're lacking

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so we can be kind and firm at

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the same time . But it's so worth

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it , friend , that's

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suffering with a purpose , putting

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that work in . As one mom said , man

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, it's just so nice now that I've got this kindness

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and firmness , bedtimes are

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so much more enjoyable because I notice

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I'm not feeling guilty trying

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to make up for the blowing up at them throughout

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the day . Me and my husband have made

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agreements in advance together

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and we both follow through , and

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even though those times when the kids are

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upset about our follow through , we

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have been able to support each other

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more . We

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used to step on each other's feet , taking

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over each other's decisions , and

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he'd be so exhausted from work and I was exhausted

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from being with the kids all day . I didn't want

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to have to make decisions . But now we're

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on the same team and

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it's gotten

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better . The kids are listening better . That's

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what Jenna had to say . So

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there is a difference . Why

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do we end up suffering in circles for so

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many different reasons ? Usually it's that it's hard

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to be really kind , or it's hard

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to add the firmness we struggle in one of those areas

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, or it might be that it's hard to

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be consistent . We can make a ton

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of excuses for ourselves we're tired

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, we're overworked , we're overscheduled

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. Yes , all of those things are true

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, and we

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have to find some way to

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be more realistic in how we set boundaries

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so we can follow through consistently , because

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that's what creates change . If

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you've struggled in knowing how to do that , you

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just read a bunch of stuff that feels super unrealistic

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. Friend , you're in the right place . That's

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what I love to help people with sustainable

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strategies that are simplified

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and really truly realistic

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in your real life . And

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if you'd like to connect with me to

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discuss what that would look like , to be able to

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suffer with a purpose in a real , simplified

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, strategic , sustainable way

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, so that you get into more joy

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and ease and cooperation . Reach out

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. There is a clarity call link in

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the show notes , which is the show description

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for this episode , or also you can

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go to my website , sustainableparentingcom

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. But , friend , I

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want to encourage you today . If you are frustrated

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with ways that you've been suffering in circles , today's

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the day it can end . The components that are missing is that you have to know how to be kind

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and firm and consistent . That

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will involve a little bit of suffering , but it will

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be suffering with a purpose that gets you to a

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better place , instead

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of consistently , repeatedly

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suffering in circles . Maybe

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suffering in circles has felt like

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what Nathan described , where he

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said man , we used to just be suffering

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in circles where I'd always have to come in

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and feel like the bad guy because

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my wife was sort of coddling the kids

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and both of us were really frustrated with each other and frustrated with

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how the kids and both of us were really frustrated , frustrated with each other

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and frustrated with how the kids kept pushing

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, pushing her or scream

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, screaming at me . And now

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we haven't had a meltdown

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in such a long time

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. Our night routine is

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like day and night difference from what

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it was and we're so grateful

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we're even having time together

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. Or

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maybe you're like Lily who said I

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couldn't believe what a difference it made

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when I suffered with

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a purpose to . But boy , now it is so different

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, the

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level of the sisters

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playing together and

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how they don't get so emotional with me

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because I suffered with

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a purpose in terms of tech . Side

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note , friend , if you want some ideas about

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how to decrease tech time , check

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out episode 53 . How

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to decrease tech time check out episode 53 . Maybe you feel like Jess , who was in a place where

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her toddler was basically holding her hostage . She didn't want to go

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anywhere in public because he would have such

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meltdowns and hit or push

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her , scratch her , that she was embarrassed

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and so she would avoid

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going to public places or often have to leave

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early , suffering in circles

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because she didn't know how to end that cycle

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. And she said now I

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noticed being able to be more firm

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and kind with him , having

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the agreements in advance and using florist tools

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. We are

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not avoiding anywhere

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, and my in-laws even

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noticed a difference in our son and

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even the other day when we were at a restaurant

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, we were complimented by

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the people sitting at the table next to us and

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how well behaved our toddler was Now

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. It took work , it took intention

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, it took effort and stepping up and saying

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it's time to make a change . And

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that's what Jessica , that's what Nathan , that's what

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all of these parents did is they

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found a way to say I'm going to do it , I'm going to suffer

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with a purpose and not put it off

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. That also makes me think of Abby , who

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said I don't know why I waited so long . I

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considered stepping into parent coaching

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six months ago and now

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that I finally did it , we have seen

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dramatic changes within just weeks

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with our four homeschooled

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kids . They are

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not blowing up at each other . I'm feeling

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more connected and we're working as a team

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, and

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it's because of the effort and changes

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that I've had to push myself in making

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. So , friend , this is

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possible for you too . It's called suffering

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with a purpose , and

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I'm so glad that you've found the space

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that is going to encourage you to do that , because it's

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worth it . All . Right , friend

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, if you have comments about this , I'd love to hear from

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you . Feel free to reach out flora

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at sustainable parentingcom or in

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one of my social media channels YouTube

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, facebook or Instagram . Until

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next week , have a wonderful time learning

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and practicing how to be kind and firm

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at the same time , so

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the parenting finally feels sustainable

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. Talk soon , friend .