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Welcome to talk at the table with God food,

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wine. It's like walking into your friend's place,

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cozy, uplifting and inviting as you enter your friend,

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greets you with a smile making you feel instantly at home.

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You have arrived. It's beautiful having you here.

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My name is Amy. I am your host and so grateful to be with you today around the table of God,

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food wine. So pour yourself a glass of wine.

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We have non alcoholic wine too.

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Get cozy and treat yourself to some well deserved you.

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Time as we relax and share inspired conversation,

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food and wine. Welcome to the Table of God food wine.

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Have y'all met Sarah yet?

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If you haven't join us at the God food wine table?

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Because meeting Sarah is good for your soul.

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Her outlook on life, witty humor and the way she stewards people's hearts shines light onto everyone she meets.

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She's a beautiful mother of four amazing wife,

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daughter, and loving friend,

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a woman of beauty and strength and to know her is to love her and I am very blessed to know her.

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Please join me in welcoming my dear friend Sarah.

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Hi, Sarah. Thank you.

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I feel very bashful. I think that's a perfect bashful if you could see me now,

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I'm probably bright red. I don't like to be,

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but I, I appreciate it. It's very sweet.

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Thank you. Well, it's true. And when I was talking to the Lord about you,

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those were my hard words to him about how he created you and who you are and you are a genuine character and a genuine character.

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Cheers. Cheers to that.

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I like that word. Thanks for being with me today around the table of God,

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food wine. This is so fun. This is the origin of our friendship.

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Around the table is the first time I met you sitting around a table of food and wine.

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And I really loved your freedom.

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I felt like you had with God where I came um Just kind of probably broken in female Christian friendships,

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right? It never felt very safe and you were just that whole group of girls was a bright light to me and very thankful for you.

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Oh I love you friend. I remember that very night.

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Actually that I met you was around um my table at my apartment in Santa Rosa.

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And I just remember I was sitting to the right of you.

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I remember exactly where I was and I was so struck by the love that I felt around you.

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I just felt this love and I had never met you and it was just,

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I felt Jesus's love surrounding you.

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It was, I think I kept going on and on about it.

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Probably that night it was just a, um,

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I don't know, it was something I'd never experienced before.

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And I was really,

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I remember feeling very loved and accepted.

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Um I remember just the fact that we had wine there for a while.

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Um Like anything spiritual for me had to be very like solemn,

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you know, there, there was no fun allowed.

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You had to be holy, you know. And so the fact that we were praying and having wine and laughing and it was just so fun.

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I had fun and I was like, oh,

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I can have fun with God in relationships.

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You know, it was, it was huge for me.

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It was pivotal in my life really like a new direction that I felt more freedom in.

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Yeah, I think that whole organic gathering around the table and having food and wine like that,

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that was, that was new for me too.

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And it was very freeing and I loved the humor and just the laughter and all that we shared around the table.

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And there was a lot of emotional healing,

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a lot of laughs. Um A lot of things that,

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you know, going into a church setting might not be accepted.

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I don't know. But I thought this is so exhilarating and refreshing.

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I'm, I'm good at putting on a face in a Christian church or environment like Oh,

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this is who I'm supposed to present myself as this is what they want me to be or this is what I think.

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And I felt very free to be me in that,

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in that space. I was, it's very healing.

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And here we are. And you've hosted so many God food wines at your house have always set this beautiful atmosphere and environment and just how comfortable you make people feel around you.

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And in particular, the women at Godfrey wine,

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I think really was a beautiful setting and foundation where people felt like they could just come and be who they were and they didn't,

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they didn't have to put on a face or be a certain way or they could just be who they were right where they were the best compliment you that your heart to hold.

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That's your heart. It's just like,

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wow, that's what I do with my life.

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It just make people feel at home.

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I, I feel like I lived a successful life that cheers again to that as we're drinking,

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sipping on a very beautiful wine in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon.

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Hallelujah. And we're later going to be going to work or going to or going to go do other things.

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But guess what? We will feel great because we are enjoying a non alcoholic wine that is actually called Cali.

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And I bought it yesterday at the Poem Cider Shop and I love trying new non alcoholic beverages with Sarah because,

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um, it's something I know that we have shared and talked about a little bit,

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um, just the health benefits of,

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you know, eliminating the alcohol, less,

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less alcohol. I feel like there's always an excuse to drink.

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And you, like, every once in a while I still do.

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But it was like, every day there was like,

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oh, time to drink today there's something going on and it was,

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yeah, same. But having in a pretty glass and there's still bubbles and it feels special.

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Like, yeah, this is a golden sparkling wine.

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So it's like Champagne sister and it's nice.

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It's dry. It has like a nice hint of citrus.

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They say jasmine. I get that on the nose.

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It smells like a jasmine flower,

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honey. Hm. Yeah,

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you just say that because you're the wine expert.

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Actually, it's proven that if someone suggests a smell,

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it's not, maybe my brain has smelled honey,

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but it hasn't quite been able to verbalize it yet.

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So that when you say honey, my brain goes,

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yes, that's it. That's what I'm smelling melon and honey.

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That's why it's so fun to enjoy wines together because you kind of get to bring out your senses.

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It's lovely. I wouldn't think that there was not alcohol in it.

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It's good. And so we're having that with some popcorn with nutritional yeast by Bjorn popcorn and Truffle almonds,

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olives, the Mediterranean wraps goat cheese by Cypress Grove and some crackers to go with it and wonderful friendship and company today.

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So, you and I recently,

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well, maybe not as recently now, but we had fairly recently lunch at Tips Roadside which rest in peace,

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rest in peace is now closed.

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So sad about that. And we were talking about a topic,

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um, emotions about emotions and specifically,

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we were talking about the emotion of shame and just the different ways that it creeps into our lives in all different areas of our life.

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And I hadn't thought much about shame until you expressed it that day.

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And kind of the revelations you were having about that emotion,

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the revelations you were having around that emotion shame.

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So it got me to thinking about that and how I have never identified it as shame,

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certain emotions, certain triggers,

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certain events that have happened in my life. I can look back now and go wow.

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Yeah, that was exactly that the root.

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There was shame and then I could start to dive deeper as to why I felt that.

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So thank you for bringing that up.

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It's a nonstop conversation in our home.

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We've, we read this book Connection Codes and went to a workshop and listened to this podcast.

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And so we kind of live and breathe um this kind of new language or tools that it's kind of given us.

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So it's just shown me I've grown up really being um proud that um air quotes,

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nothing really bothers me, Sarah's fine.

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Everything's fine and if everyone around me is fine,

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then I'm fine. Like I don't want any conflict around me.

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I want everything. So I just have always pushed my emotions aside or even thought I didn't even feel any of these emotions.

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I've never actually been aware of them but,

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um, yeah, with doing this whole program thing.

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Um, yeah, there's a lot going on in there and shame was.

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Shame is a big one for me. Fear is a big one.

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Yeah, there's, they talk about like their seven core emotions,

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like fear, shame, guilt, sad,

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hurt, lonely and joy. Um And um those all happen to us every day,

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like which is wild and we don't even know it and actually hiding from them or not even processing them or what I did ignore them,

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push them away, say they're not even valuable,

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you know, like what's the point of actually feeling shame or feeling fear because God tells us,

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you know, we, we interpret that don't feel fear,

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but he actually gave us the ability to feel fear for,

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for certain reasons. So, um and actually when you share with,

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with your partner, your family, your friends,

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what's actually going on with you? It actually connects you with them instead of pushing them away.

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So, um like, so I was telling you Amy before we even recorded about Thanksgiving the day after Thanksgiving,

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I hosted um my family over for,

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we went to go get our Christmas tree and I thought I was gonna make everyone breakfast or my husband and I were gonna make everyone breakfast and it's like 10 minutes before people are supposed to be there.

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Nothing is done. The coffee maker is not working.

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It's actually overflowing and I was starting to freak out and I,

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like my husband is in the bedroom just kind of mos around getting ready and I'm in there and I'm just starting to steam just like in my head.

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He doesn't care about me. That's kind of the message I'm telling myself he doesn't care about me.

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Um And I'm alone in this and so he comes in and he can tell right away like we're pretty in tune with each other.

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Like Sarah is in pain like what's going on.

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I'm like, I feel like, you know, you said you were going to help this morning and you weren't.

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And instead of that usually creating like big conflict because he in the past would have been like,

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basically how dare you feel that way. Of course,

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I, you know, care but and said in more inquisitive with me like what's,

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what's going on? And um it was,

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you know, I'm, I have a huge fear of disappointing people,

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but really under like if they show up and Sarah's doesn't have her shit together really like surprise,

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surprise. Um But really underneath that is probably shame too that I'm not good enough just as I am,

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you know, that I have to be this perfect,

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you know, person for everyone.

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Um And instead he's able to hear me out like that and kind of like I get that,

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you know, for him that's usually a response.

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Like I get that like, what do you need? And I'm like, I just need help,

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you know, like he shouldn't say he wouldn't say like,

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why, why would you feel that way? You know,

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like, of course, I don't want to feel this way.

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Like let me try to turn it off, but that's how I feel and it just connects you with each other and really nips any sort of blowout that we've had in the past.

13:57

Wow, because you're meeting in the middle to um cater to one another's needs that day.

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And, you know,

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um when you mentioned about um not wanting to disappoint people as you were talking,

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I was thinking about that in my own life and I was thinking,

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wow, I think it's because I'm afraid to be judged by other people.

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You know, if I don't do XYZ,

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then I'm going to get this reaction.

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But if I do ABC I'll get this reaction and I think some of that might come from in my life,

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old conditioning of I really loved praise as a kid.

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Like I loved being a teacher's pet.

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I don't think I was, but I wanted to be,

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I got called the Easy kid all the time and I loved that,

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that I didn't cause anyone, any problems or any pain.

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That was my identity and I rock the boat.

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Right? And so when I would have a reaction that wasn't ABC but was XYZ in the other direction.

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What is wrong with Amy? What is going on with her?

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Well, that started, I look back now and think I must have gotten scared of actually sharing how I was really feeling because my feelings weren't um welcomed and that in those particular circumstances where I felt safe to process them.

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So I would stuff them, stuff, them, stuff,

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them, stuff them and go back to,

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ok, I'm gonna do ABC, I'm gonna please people.

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So that's that reaction I love.

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So I've always been so amazed when I encounter people,

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whether it's with their kids or with their parents or,

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you know, siblings,

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family when they say, well, let's talk about that.

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Like I'm not afraid that you're feeling that let's talk about it.

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I, I did never, I did not grow up with that.

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So it made me real scared.

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I mean, even with our oldest daughter who's 16,

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we taught her early on to shut her emotions down.

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Like when babies are born,

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they're really good at processing in the moment. If they're sad,

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hurt, they're going to let you know right away and over time we're like stop crying,

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you know, give you something to cry about,

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you know, that sort of thing.

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Uh, here's some food and as,

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and then we have two younger boys who are better at processing because we've gotten better at showing them how to process.

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But even with our, we have a 13 year old daughter too,

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Lily who, um, has an older sister who's very bossy and dominant and she probably Lily is definitely our middle child because then we have two boys and we got a first born son and then we have the baby.

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So Lily is definitely our stereotypical middle child and she's just been going through stuff being a 13 year old,

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you know. Um and we took her for a drive a couple of weeks ago,

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her dad and I, and just um let her just ask her questions like,

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what's it like? Cause about being a younger sister to Leah and she expressed like that sometimes she feels like we don't pay attention as much to her or we don't care about her as much.

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And instead of saying like,

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why would you feel that? Like look at all the things we've done for you,

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you know, that kind of response. It's like, don't feel that way.

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And there were moments when she would reiterate as if she told a story when she got Straight A's or something and Leah did,

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we got Leah's hair done and we got her nails done or something like that.

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And in my head, I'm like, that's freaking ridiculous.

18:05

Like anyways.

18:07

So, but letting her just kind of process and feeling safe to have these feelings,

18:13

um, so important. And I look back at my childhood and I think I felt lonely a lot that I couldn't actually,

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no one really knew me. Um,

18:23

my parents didn't know me. I hid everything from my parents,

18:26

you know. Um Yeah,

18:30

so just in this journey of,

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and it's a, I feel like it's a practice like I'm never gonna be an expert at this cuz I'm always gonna be surprised by what comes up,

18:42

but it's been really good in healing for me.

18:45

Um Because they say that,

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what's that saying? Like you, you can't go where you want to go unless you know where you're at and I,

18:53

you know, if you, yeah, and it feels like that with emotions like you actually have to know what's going on with you.

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Um And you'll start to see a pattern if you pay attention,

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like really nitty gritty, pay attention to your emotions every day like something comes up.

19:09

OK. Pause, be curious about yourself,

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like what's going on right now and then you can kind of start to see a pattern and things that are happening for you and get to kind of the root of what's going on,

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you know. And um yeah,

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it's been really good gosh, just hearing you talk,

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just listening to you.

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I realize that, you know,

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as you speak so freely about how you've been going through the revelation of emotions and processing emotions.

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I realized that there's still, like, around my heart,

19:48

there's still this, like, like a little bit of like a fear,

19:55

right? Like, like meaning like,

19:58

wow, when you were talking about,

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be curious, look at your emotions every day,

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that's when I felt my heart start to get a little fearful,

20:07

like every day. That's a lot.

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But, you know, it's worth it. And I realize that when something kind of tips over for me,

20:19

it's usually because I've had, I'm stuffing my emotions.

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And so then there's this tip, this tipping point,

20:26

then I, then I'm actually having to look at it because I've probably made a mess by saying something I didn't want to say to my husband or even just to myself,

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like being really hard on myself.

20:40

So I realize for mental health purposes,

20:45

you know, to, um,

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you know, they say guard your heart for out of it,

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flow the springs of life. That's,

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that's our way of guarding our heart by saying,

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hey Hart, what's going on? Like,

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I'm here for you, let's talk about this.

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And there were so many times he still,

21:04

my husband still does. This. Stefan is,

21:06

his name would come up to me.

21:09

He could tell I'm in pain,

21:11

you know, like what's going on and I, in my head,

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I'm like, nothing, life is just stressful. Like that's what I would think like,

21:18

and I kind of stopped using that word stress anymore.

21:21

I'm just stressed out like, actually,

21:23

ok, what is going on? Like, what are you stressed about?

21:26

I fear, I fear that um,

21:28

this is going to happen. Just keep asking like he helped me be inquisitive about myself and because usually it would get annoying at times,

21:37

to be honest, I'm like, gosh, it doesn't, I don't know,

21:40

just clean the house and everything will be fine,

21:43

you know, but um I definitely needed a lot of prodding um to get where I am.

21:52

And even in the first couple of months when we were doing this,

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we got into some heated fights and I was like,

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what did we just opened Pandora's box?

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I feel like our relationship was fine as it was before.

22:05

But we were like, when you can say everything that you're feeling um you,

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it takes practice. I feel like for the other person not to get defensive,

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you know, because if he says to me,

22:19

I'm hurt when you, I don't know said blah,

22:22

blah, blah in my head, I I get defend like,

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you know, the same thing of like, I'm afraid of disappointing people.

22:29

I get hit with shame like I'm not good enough for you.

22:32

Everything I do isn't good enough and you're still mad at me.

22:35

But instead like this is happening for Zin like this is happening for him and giving him the space and the freedom to,

22:42

to share his pain with me is like,

22:44

huge and then vice versa.

22:47

And then I, and so it took practice to get because we would just like,

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I'm trying to tell you how I feel. Well, yeah,

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don't feel that, you know, it was, it was hard,

22:57

but like, we've gotten in a really great,

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really system of flow.

23:03

Yes, when he can share how he's feeling and I can take a step back and not like this is for him.

23:10

Like my job is not to keep him from feeling pain like he's going to feel pain just because life is painful,

23:17

you know, and same for me is like,

23:19

it's OK that I'm hurt that he said something or did something.

23:24

He of course is not meaning to do it.

23:27

But I need to let him know what's happening for me because he wants to know me.

23:31

He wants to be close to me and me pretending like everything is fine because I don't want to cause an argument,

23:37

everything's fine. You know, everything is,

23:39

everything is fine.

23:42

That's my motto. It's not fine.

23:46

You take one thing, I'm all hell and really get the mothers are the gosh,

23:53

I don't know they are the they rule the atmosphere like whatever mood I am in the whole how true under that story I create.

24:04

So the mama essence,

24:07

yes, I feel like even our 16 year old feels more comfortable to actually hang out with us more because she feels safer to kind of,

24:18

that is so beautiful. Yeah. Creating a safe space for everybody to feel listened to and not necessarily have to fix it right where it's like I just need to talk about this.

24:30

This is how I'm feeling. You know,

24:33

I, I know my husband was trying to share something with me the other night and I didn't realize he just wanted me to listen.

24:43

I didn't quite pick that up.

24:46

And so I started to create solutions and I could tell he was getting frustrated with me and I was so proud of him though because we've really come a long way and saying what we are feeling and also what we need.

25:06

So he said, you know, Amy, I just really wanted you to listen,

25:11

like I just need you to listen. I was like,

25:13

I got so excited. He said it, I was,

25:15

I was hugging him because I thought,

25:18

wow, thank you for saying that because I,

25:22

that takes some emotional intelligence for him to actually realize that what was happening.

25:28

Yeah, exactly. It's usually people just want you to listen unless they ask what should I do.

25:34

You know, do you have some advice for me?

25:38

We don't, it, it causes me pain when I see someone else in pain and having to sit in that.

25:46

But that's really what they want you to do. Just hear me out like what I'm going through and then,

25:52

yeah, if they ask like,

25:54

do you need advice. Like usually it's like usually when Evan will ask me like,

25:59

what do you need when I share it? It's usually nothing like I just needed to share that with you,

26:04

you know. Yeah, just like a hug.

26:07

Like I'll say I just need a hug. Like my husband just can I have a hug?

26:11

I could just really love to hug you right now because I don't know how to process what I'm feeling right now.

26:18

You know, um a big fight for us always through our marriage was my lovely in-laws and I say that and kind of they are,

26:31

I love them. But um as most people know in laws can hurt a lot.

26:35

And this was probably a couple months ago,

26:39

something got brought up. I don't quite remember what,

26:42

but we started, I started to get angry talking about in laws and usually that would just in the past blow up into something.

26:53

And um his message to me would have been,

26:57

don't feel that way. You know, this is why like these are my family blah,

27:02

blah, blah. But instead he was just asking like questions inquisitive and it kind of was a dam break for me in a way where I just started crying and we just seeing like I am so I've been so hurt and just letting that hurt and realizing because anger,

27:21

it was coming out of anger, which is really easy for me.

27:25

I'm like angry at them. But I was able to,

27:28

as he gave me space just to feel my emotions,

27:33

it really, the hurt just came out and that was so healing for me and I was able to kind of let it start flowing again.

27:40

Like we start to get dammed up with our,

27:43

if we don't let these emotions come out and um had we not given you that space to feel those feelings?

27:53

Um Yeah,

27:55

it just gave me a lot of freedom in my relationship with them and,

28:00

you know, yeah, when you say damned up,

28:03

that's a good way of saying that where it'll just build up,

28:07

build up, build up and there's nowhere for it to go until we release.

28:14

It should be like a running brook or r you know,

28:18

they just, they're just flowing,

28:21

you know, and I think,

28:24

I think sometimes with emotion,

28:27

I can start to analyze it in my head and start to put it up into my analytical brain and dissect it,

28:35

analyze it, send it to the lab, collect the data,

28:38

you know, all of that when, when really I'm giving it too much.

28:42

Um, clout,

28:44

I guess it's not that it's not meaning something in that moment,

28:48

but just meaning maybe I wanna hold on to it longer than it really needs to be held on to if that makes sense.

28:56

So it's like, OK, I don't have to actually hold on to it.

29:00

I could hold on to it or I could go ahead and start processing it,

29:04

you know. Um,

29:06

whereas it's more like a replay in my brain about why I'm feeling that way versus actually tackling,

29:13

you know, why it's there in the first place.

29:16

They're just messages, they're messages.

29:18

Right. They are. And,

29:22

yeah, with my kids,

29:24

especially, um, in the past I'm,

29:28

I had this moment when I would go into Leah's room.

29:30

She's 16 and I was probably berating her about something.

29:35

And I felt like this moment of like,

29:38

oh my gosh, I'm my mom and she's me.

29:42

And I felt like there was this divide between us that I remember feeling as a teenage daughter of like,

29:48

I don't know who my mom is and I can't really connect with her.

29:52

She's not a safe person. You know, I got to hide from her and feeling that with my daughter and kind of freaking out about like I feel disconnected from her and I don't know how to connect with her.

30:05

And this is really um helped me as I've gone on this curiosity journey of my emotions is I'm realizing like how much my my relationship with her,

30:19

all my kids is like, there's so much fear,

30:22

fear that something bad is gonna happen, fear that they're going to mess up,

30:25

they're gonna do something that's going to cause me pain.

30:29

And then there's tons of shame of like,

30:31

um you know, when she trots around her crop tops you know,

30:37

very popular today. I mean, it is what it like.

30:40

I'm, I let her dress however she wants to.

30:43

But in there is definitely a shame experience for me of like,

30:48

ok, back, back up, I felt growing up a lot of shame for my mom that I wasn't like a good youth group girl.

30:54

I felt like she always wanted the good youth group girl and I feel the same way about Leah,

30:58

which is wild of like, why can't you be just the good youth group girl?

31:03

Because I don't want to feel fear. Like if you're the good youth group girl,

31:06

you're just going, you're praying at night, you're,

31:09

you're just just perfect. So I don't have to feel,

31:11

feel fear and shame because you're good but because she's like she,

31:16

she's her mom's daughter. She likes to have a good time.

31:19

So um but and it was keeping those that fear and shame I was having with her was keeping me from actually expressing my joy for her.

31:30

And that's really what I wanted to hear from my mom as a teenager.

31:35

What she wants to hear from me is like, I am so proud of you.

31:38

Like you're amazing just as you are,

31:41

you know, like and that makes them feel safe instead of like I hid from my parents all the time.

31:47

They didn't know they didn't know me, they didn't know anything about me because they weren't safe because they nothing was good and I felt like nothing was good enough for them.

31:54

That was shame. I felt a ton of shame and I realized I'm putting that same stuff,

32:01

my daughter, you know, and it's scary.

32:06

I mean, you still can, I still feel those feelings with her fear and shame but letting her know in the moment of what I'm feeling and seven's always prodding me as I'm like,

32:17

you know, ask her, she'll be like, I'm going outside and I'm like,

32:20

ok, what time are you gonna be home? And Z and will go,

32:24

what's happening with that? Sarah? That's a, that's a common thing that it's,

32:27

it's a question of like, ok, dig deep what's going on with you.

32:31

And I'm like, well, I have fear because I don't want her out late at night,

32:34

blah, blah, blah. And then he'll keep prodding me because why?

32:39

Because I am so obsessed with you,

32:41

Leah. I have so much joy about you.

32:43

You're just the most amazing thing in my life.

32:46

And if something ever happened to you and in that moment connecting with her instead of it being like,

32:52

gosh, mom, ok. I don't know. Well,

32:55

leave me alone. You know, you can see my heart for her and it's connecting rather than then breaking apart.

33:04

Gosh, that is, that is such an important link that is such a gem for every parent or every person,

33:15

you know in the world. If to know that they can link that fear over to joy.

33:23

I'm just seeing as you were talking like a bridge,

33:25

like a leap of faith, a leap of faith,

33:28

literally to not be afraid to experience the joy on the other side of what's happening.

33:35

Oh, there was so like through this process,

33:38

Zin would tell me, you know,

33:40

you don't express your joy very much.

33:44

And I started to get curious about that,

33:47

like, what's going on? Why do I have a hard time with my,

33:49

even my kids, like, really truly expressing um my obsession with them.

33:57

Like I'm obsessed with my kids, but it leads like I lead with fear and shame all the time.

34:03

And I'm like, what is going on? And it's just been a great tool and link for me of like I can express my joy.

34:12

Um But also let them know about my fear.

34:17

Like I have fear, I have shame about and it's OK like when I told you the Crop Top story,

34:24

but I remember I took my 16 year old,

34:27

I feel, I feel guilt that I keep bringing her up,

34:29

but she's our oldest and we just the season teenage years.

34:34

But you know, she's just prancing around her little crop top and I'm just like shame like,

34:41

you know, but see a crop top says I am,

34:46

I am Sarah's mom. I'm Sarah's daughter.

34:51

I know. But yeah,

34:53

it's only because I wouldn't care so much if I didn't have so much joy about her and who she is and the woman she's becoming.

35:01

But look at the Children that you and Zin are raising.

35:04

I mean, I know all of them are the most they are.

35:08

They're the most beautiful hearted Children.

35:11

You have the most beautiful Children inside and out and,

35:15

you know, it's your, it's your heritage,

35:18

it's your genealogy. It's your,

35:22

your legacy too. You know,

35:24

it is generations, your,

35:27

your blessing, generations to come.

35:30

And sometimes I think that can,

35:34

maybe that's part of it too. And,

35:37

and some people of, you know,

35:39

you're my generation, you're my legacy.

35:41

You're, I'm passing you on, you know,

35:44

and you want them to do well,

35:47

you want them to succeed, you want them to go on the path that's best for them or so.

35:55

And I think about, I think about all the different paths.

35:59

You could probably think about all the different paths that,

36:02

that we took growing up, especially as a teenager.

36:05

I look back and think, oh my gosh.

36:07

I just thank God every time I think about some of the things that I did and I chose and think,

36:13

oh my gosh. Thank you so much.

36:16

Thank you so much for protecting me.

36:18

Thank you so much that you always were watching me because I mean,

36:22

my parents didn't know the things I was doing either.

36:25

You know, it was growing up growing up,

36:29

especially in the south. The whole,

36:32

like talking to your parents about everything and emotions and all that didn't exist.

36:36

It was like not in my family anyway.

36:40

I, I had had a great mom,

36:44

my, I have a great mom. My dad was going through some things and his own pain.

36:51

Now I look back and I just love him with such an open heart thinking what a wounded soul that he was.

36:59

And um now I can hug him today and just love on him and realize,

37:04

wow, you know, you are a,

37:08

you were in a lot of pain and, but as a teenager,

37:11

you know, as a child, it's,

37:13

it's almost impossible to know that unless you know,

37:17

they share it. Um gosh,

37:21

there's just so much bubbling up in me right now over this conversation,

37:24

just all the different, a big, a big revelation to the book connection coach talked about is identity too.

37:31

And how, I mean,

37:33

that's huge and it's a message of like I,

37:36

I see you when you matter and us as humans,

37:39

we're constantly looking for that message.

37:42

Like, do I matter to you?

37:45

And when that message isn't communicated,

37:47

it usually causes like fear, shame,

37:49

whatever sort of um so kind of we'll like we'll say like it's a low value message and we'll say that a lot like a low identity.

38:01

Like that's what, that's what I'm hearing it as obviously you aren't intending to do that and then allowing the person like,

38:09

oh yeah, I get that and usually we don't even like say we're sorry.

38:12

It's not really what we want to hear is I'm sorry,

38:14

but like I get that like that audible,

38:17

just acknowledgment of their feelings and followed by like,

38:21

what do you need? You know, it's usually just,

38:24

I just wanted to tell you, you know, you are so beautiful,

38:28

Sarah. I wish you all could be in this room with me right now seeing Sarah talk because it is truly,

38:35

I feel like most blessed person in the world right now.

38:39

I'm glad I could bless you with my presence.

38:42

You see that is a high value message for me.

38:45

I'm getting a ton of identity from you.

38:47

And thank you. You wanted to ask me to be on this podcast.

38:53

It was big value message for me that you value what I have to say.

38:57

Yes, I I do. I I've always,

39:01

I've always felt you have such a gift of wisdom and you,

39:08

you, you do. You put, I called it witty humor in the introduction that you are you,

39:14

you, I love your outlook on life.

39:18

I love how you um can twist something that can be very serious at times into something that can evoke laughter at the same time like it's still valid.

39:31

It's, it's there. But then this,

39:34

this laughter bubbles up and it just,

39:36

you have, I love that about you. See,

39:38

we've been talking about my,

39:40

we have a funny banter, my husband and I,

39:43

and we joke, like, I'm funnier than you like,

39:46

and he allows me to say that I like,

39:48

ok, Zara. So I'm,

39:50

like, admit it. But you are,

39:54

I can use humor sometimes,

39:56

um, as kind of a shield for my emotions.

40:01

I realize that there's even something there.

40:04

Like, I don't know. Anyway,

40:06

that's digging real deep. But, um,

40:09

sometimes I hear myself, like, Sarah turn it off.

40:12

Like, I'm always looking for humor in certain things sometimes where it's like,

40:18

yeah, it's like it can be a defense mechanism.

40:20

Sure. It's always I get that like if I ever feel unsafe in a place or maybe not unsafe is the word,

40:29

but I'm just not quite sure yet your place in a room,

40:33

you know, throughout some humor, throughout something.

40:36

Do you all see me? Am I good?

40:38

You know, because when people laugh at your jokes,

40:41

it's a huge value message. I'm valuable to them because they think I'm funny and I,

40:47

I look for that a lot in that humor.

40:49

So yeah, it's all, you know.

40:52

Yeah, it's all on this journey of,

40:55

oh, it is a journey, isn't it? And the grace around it,

40:58

right? I think that's the big one too for,

41:00

for me personally is to give myself to receive the grace that God has for me because I can tend to be my own critic,

41:11

you know, and start thinking,

41:13

ok, I don't even need someone there at times to even critique.

41:18

It's like, it's usually the messages in our head that we're telling ourselves that this is what people think of me or this is how I'm being perceived and paying like paying like,

41:29

wow, I'm just getting hit with shame right now like letting yourself know that that that's happening for you and not even thinking like huh just being OK and letting it go like it doesn't have to be this but it's when that's about having shame,

41:44

it's the stuff starts to build up and then we just start,

41:48

I don't know, it's just letting it go and letting it go and having fun,

41:52

enjoying life and, and I think that's one of the probably one of the keys to a beautiful life is to um be able to process emotions and journey and go through things.

42:09

And that's what makes us real. You know,

42:11

I think about, you know, if we're not supposed to have emotions,

42:15

then what we're, you know, we're not robots out here.

42:19

Yes, we have a spirit that I believe is always beautiful all the time.

42:24

But we have a soul on earth that we live with and our soul,

42:29

you know, and then our body encompasses all of that.

42:32

And it's like our soul is very important.

42:35

And I think about the emotions in the Bible,

42:39

you know, there are actually genuine emotions in the Bible,

42:42

you know, Jesus wept, he got felt compassion.

42:46

He even said to his disciples like, oh my gosh,

42:49

how much longer do I have to be with you people?

42:51

Like get out of my face,

42:54

you know, I mean, that sounds like an emotion to me,

42:58

angry, like for sure.

43:00

Yeah, he was in the spirit but he was like,

43:03

yeah, he was human, he was human.

43:06

And as he's up there naked on the cross,

43:08

you can't tell me that he didn't experience some sort of shame,

43:12

you know, of his nakedness. And he experienced,

43:14

I think all of our emotions, but he brought them to the father.

43:18

You know, he connected with his father like he's in the garden of guest.

43:23

I mean, God take this cup from me. He was feeling so much fear,

43:27

I'm sure but not my will. God, your will.

43:29

And he brought all of that to him and was so connected to his daddy.

43:35

You know, I think that's how God wants us to be like God,

43:37

I'm feeling so much fear about my kids or whatever and just letting him hear your your heart.

43:44

And instead of hiding, hiding from him,

43:47

which I've done so much of like feeling shame that I'm feeling like you said,

43:50

like I'm feeling shame. I feel shame.

43:52

I feel shame. You know, it's just,

43:55

it took me a while to actually say to the Lord,

44:00

you know, God, I'm mad at my husband right now that you've been good at that.

44:06

I'm getting better. I'm getting better like I'm getting better at just being honest because I had so much shame about certain emotions I would feel,

44:14

I would feel shameful thinking that I would feel ashamed that I was thinking those feelings that I was not,

44:23

that my heart was almost bad for thinking some of those things.

44:27

So it's like, wow, where did I get that story from?

44:32

Like what, what caused me to think that way that I latched onto the story that it's not OK to feel certain things in my life that I need to put on a happy face.

44:44

I need to smile. I mean, I even get tears thinking about it.

44:48

It kind of makes me sad now because it's like,

44:51

wow, like because I kind of,

44:54

I feel like I have tears because my soul that would,

44:57

that would give pain to my soul to actually put on the happy face to say everything was OK when my soul was like,

45:05

no, no, I'm not. OK. Can you deal with this,

45:08

please and help, you know, like, can you,

45:10

can you acknowledge that?

45:13

Like, so I remember when we so freeing,

45:18

you know, to hear this message when we started this process,

45:21

um the, the book has this core emotion wheel and it's like a practice that you do.

45:26

We don't do it anymore because you start to get better at understanding your emotions.

45:30

But it was good for me because you have to go through.

45:32

I felt sad today or the most recent time,

45:35

you felt sad, fear, excuse me,

45:37

shame, lonely, guilt, all of them.

45:40

And I remember lonely was a hard one for me.

45:43

I'm like, I never feel lonely. I'm with kids all the time with.

45:47

I have tons of friends but lonely is like feeling like unsupported another way of putting lonely.

45:53

And I realize I am super lonely because I'm not actually sharing what's actually going on with me and I felt lonely.

46:01

A lot of Sarah is always fine,

46:05

you know, everything is fine. But um so those kind of recommend,

46:09

like I have all of those emotions and it's just,

46:15

it's been super helpful for me. It's an understatement to say helpful.

46:19

It's really been life changing. I feel cheesy saying it has been life changing it.

46:24

I see it. I was saying before we were even on,

46:27

on the podcast, just the sparkle in your eyes,

46:31

just the glow that you have.

46:34

Um It's just when you say life changing,

46:37

I can see it, I can see it radiating and glowing from within you.

46:42

It's beautiful and, and it also it encourages and inspires me because as we are friends,

46:50

I'm like, wow, I get to engage with Sarah in a different way in this season,

46:56

you know, and she gets to engage with me in a different way in this season because we all grow,

47:01

right? We all are growing and maturing.

47:03

So how we knew one another 12 years ago we were in a different season,

47:09

you know what I mean? And then through all these seasons,

47:12

I, I feel like,

47:15

oh, wow. I'm, I'm in getting into a place where I want to be seen more and I am not ashamed of certain ways that I feel or which allows people to get to know me more and,

47:27

and getting to know you more.

47:29

So, I'm really excited to take this journey because,

47:36

um, it's just neat to mature in a way.

47:39

I call it mature in a way. It's kind of mature more like,

47:43

um when something is growing like a garden,

47:46

you know, the fruit matures it ripens is what I mean by that word.

47:51

It's just, yeah. But um, yeah,

47:53

it's, I feel a safety in relationships where I always liked the idea of living in a commune or in a big community of people.

48:02

But at the same time, terrified of that, I'm like,

48:04

ok, I need my own house like an an acre away.

48:08

This is the idea of conflict with people scares me.

48:14

But it, it, I see a pathway of being more connected with people.

48:20

Um, because I can allow when it's,

48:24

when it's all working, you can share your hurt with me if I've hurt you and I can just listen and don't have to get defensive because I don't know,

48:33

it just seems I've seen it work so well with even in our little ripple of our family and friends.

48:40

These little um dam breaks that have happened and just are leading to connection instead of like conflict doesn't have to lead to disconnection.

48:48

It can lead to connection. It's always so beautiful when it happens.

48:51

Like, oh my God, it works. It works.

48:54

Is it true? Like the more that you practice that,

49:00

that when a conflict arises,

49:02

it's like, ok, we're good because I know we're going to get on the other side now,

49:06

Like, you know, you know what the end goal is.

49:10

So, is it? No, I recognize that something is happening where I feel,

49:15

I'm feeling maybe hurt,

49:17

defensive. I don't know what it is.

49:19

But I'll ask, sorry, I haven't been touching my mic.

49:22

I'll ask Stefan what's going on?

49:25

Like, something's happening for you.

49:27

Like, usually if I feel hurt in a conversation with my husband,

49:31

I'll ask him or vice versa, what's going on with you right now?

49:35

And like, huh OK, I'm feeling blah,

49:37

blah, blah. Ok, like letting him,

49:40

you know. So it doesn't, we, you're going to share how you feel,

49:44

whether you mean to or not, but the other person is going to interpret it if you don't tell them exactly what's happening for you,

49:50

you know, I might interpret Z Will Evans in a bad mood.

49:53

Wow, what an asshole, you know, but if he actually tells me,

49:56

I'm feeling like, um, lonely about blah,

50:00

blah. I don't know what whatever it is, but it just is like Oh,

50:03

ok. Like, and I don't have to be his savior in a sense to,

50:08

to make sure he's not in pain all the time.

50:10

I spent so much time trying to make sure seven's not in pain.

50:14

My kids, no one can be in pain around me because then I'll be in pain because it's like I'm not,

50:21

I can't manage everyone's pain, you know,

50:23

and having, let, letting them have the freedom just be in pain,

50:26

you know, around me it's like huge and I can be in pain too.

50:30

But I have to tell them what's going on with me instead of just stewing,

50:35

which I usually do profusely.

50:38

Like something about vacuuming that used to be mine.

50:42

I mean, I don't do it any more.

50:45

I used to when I would get angry.

50:47

Every corner of every inch of the house was clean,

50:52

obsessively clean, clean out the fridge.

50:55

The house is really clean, be wary.

51:02

I know. You know, he, he definitely,

51:05

like last night we, we got into,

51:07

I got frustrated and, and he was Phil his beautiful self,

51:13

you know, and I, I my beautiful self too.

51:15

I was just, it was frustrated last night.

51:18

And, uh, he, he likes to make light of situations because he,

51:23

he just doesn't let stuff simmer,

51:28

he let stuff roll off and sometimes that bothers me because I'm like,

51:33

well, maybe it's not meant to roll off.

51:35

Like maybe there is something there that we need to talk about.

51:38

But a lot of times it's a,

51:41

it's something that I need to talk about.

51:45

It. All you have to do is let him know that something matters to you.

51:49

He doesn't, he doesn't have to feel the same way,

51:52

but he wants to connect with you. So he wants to hear your heart that the nitty gritty baseboards to you.

52:00

You know, like that's what he cares about.

52:03

It's a connecting thing where, oh, that makes sense that why he was trying to make light of it last night and get me to laugh because he loves to make me laugh.

52:13

He wanted to connect with me. I don't, I didn't realize that until you just said it whereas I was still simmering.

52:20

And so then we ended up talking about it laughing,

52:23

hugging, kissing all of it, you know,

52:25

but it just takes me a minute. I think,

52:28

I think for him he's just like,

52:31

let me know what you need and I will do it.

52:34

I will help you, but I can't read your mind.

52:37

So I'm, I'm growing in that area of,

52:42

of, of actually saying this is what I need in saying it in a way that I feel worthy of be of saying it because I notice sometimes I'll say it but it's out,

52:56

I'll say it with an attitude. I'll say it with a,

53:00

you know, sarcasm and then I'm realizing something in me doesn't feel worthy of being able to ask for this and genuinely,

53:15

you know, and what, what is that? Why,

53:18

why I hear the word not worthy?

53:20

That's the shame. I'm not my emotions or my feelings don't really matter.

53:28

And I, I'm, um, like I feel would feel like I'm weighing people down.

53:34

I don't want to be a burden to anyone.

53:37

Um, because just me, as with needs in a human isn't enough and they're going to leave,

53:43

you know, and I so relate to that sort of.

53:47

So letting him know, like being curious in those moments when you start to feel feisty,

53:53

feisty is a great word. What's going on with me right now and letting him know like the core of what I'm getting hit with some shame right now.

54:03

I don't know whatever it is. Oh my gosh,

54:05

I can't wait to have more talks with him about this because the book together.

54:09

Yeah. Connection codes. Yes, I've listened to a couple of the podcasts and I really like them.

54:15

But um I would like to get the book because we love to read books together that,

54:19

you know, are spiritual, that kind of spiritual growth together,

54:23

you know, emotional health,

54:26

all of that. So we'll have to get that connection codes.

54:30

So the signature question today at talk at the table with God food,

54:36

wine, drum roll. I,

54:39

I don't even try. Do you know, I,

54:42

I think I tell, I can't roll my RS.

54:44

Really? I,

54:47

I, it's a big shame experience.

54:51

Ok. We won't, we will not, I will,

54:53

we will not make you roll your arms. Can do it.

54:58

I love it. I love it. Well,

55:00

what is, what is something that you can do?

55:04

Um, uniquely, like, can you move your ears or roll your tongue?

55:10

I can burp. You are. I'm,

55:14

I have flexible joints. Like as a kid I could bend my thumbs backwards.

55:21

I don't do it anymore. I still can't. Is it double jointed?

55:24

I definitely have flexible joints,

55:27

bendy. That's very, that's a very good to have.

55:30

That was so weird. But yeah, where are we going with this cut?

55:36

Just kidding. But the signature question for real this time is how do you like to relax and unwind to have some,

55:46

you time? Like when you have you time?

55:48

What is something that,

55:50

you know, helps you to relax and unwind?

55:53

Do you have like a certain routine or is it different every time?

55:57

There's two different ways? I feel like I do either.

56:01

I, so if I have a day off and lately Zin has been giving me Thursdays off,

56:07

usually it's more like every other Thursday where I don't take kids to school.

56:12

I don't cook and I can go do what I want.

56:15

That's great. So, I have been,

56:17

um, thrifting a lot. I'll put on air Airpods,

56:21

listen to podcasts and just go thrift or,

56:25

um, I usually wanna be with friends.

56:28

Like I love connecting cause as a busy mom who's driving kids around,

56:33

I like miss my friends and so I'll just want to just go hang out and be a normal adult with friends and not worrying about her kids all the time or I'll just get in my bed lately.

56:47

I've been watching Friends, I've actually never watched the show all the way through.

56:52

I've watched pieces of episodes here and there,

56:55

but I've never, so I've been actually enjoying and even as a little girl,

56:59

my bed is my favorite place to be.

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Like, I just, it's your cozy place.

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Yes. Just a happy camper in my bed.

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I can see you like, all bundled up smiling.

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Totally. Sometimes even a little too early.

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Like it'll be like six in the afternoon,

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seven will come in like, um,

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am I a single parent tonight? I'm like,

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sorry, I love it.

57:24

So, yeah, I would say those are my favorite things to do.

57:29

That sounds lovely.

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And I just think it's beautiful when um pockets of you time can be had.

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Even if it's just a few minutes here or there or a few seconds,

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even just or a whole block of time,

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it's so important. And I am personally loving sharing time with you here today.

57:50

Thank you, Amy. And I'm so again,

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what happens how we, our friendship grows?

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Maybe. Yes, I would definitely love that.

57:59

I would love for us to be able to do this again.

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So Yeah, that would be a great topic actually,

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how friendship seasons and how it grows.

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But I definitely know that I love you friends and so grateful for you.

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And just, I feel like I just struck gold when the Lord introduced me to you.

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I mean, really like, wow,

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Lord, like I got to meet Sarah in this lifetime.

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So cheers, cheers. You would you like prayer for anything as women?

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We're here to support and encourage you in daily life.

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If you would like prayer for anything, send us ad m on Instagram.

58:52

We believe in the heart of prayer and we believe in miracles.

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So we will pray with faith filled hearts for you.

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Did you know that in addition to women's gatherings,

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God food, wine offers wine, education and services for your next private food and wine event.

59:08

Check out our services on the website God Food wine.com.

59:12

We'd love to help you host your next event.

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And if you would like to come to our next women's gathering,

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if you are a woman who might want some support and encouragement,

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maybe you've moved to a new town in Sonoma County and you haven't met anyone yet.

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DM on Instagram at God Food Wine.

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We would love to hang out with you at our next gathering until then come hang out with us on Instagram.

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And our website is God Food wine.com.

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And remember this, you are invited and you are loved.

59:47

All right, my friends we'll talk soon.

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See you around the table of God,

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food, wine.