0:05

Oh, speaking of which, can we do

0:07

a fucking Requiem? From

0:10

my oldest tight clip, Fishy. Oh

0:12

no. It was a tight clip with a

0:14

little fish on it. Fucking

0:17

broken half. We found the front

0:19

half with the fish on it. And the

0:21

girl that I was with found the back half. If

0:24

we know anybody that... I

0:27

think we have to tack weld it. Oh, I

0:29

do know some people that could do that. I

0:31

know some welders. I'm putting fucking Fishy back together

0:33

because Fishy has been with me since...

0:37

I don't know, 2002? Like,

0:39

it's a long time ago. Fishy

0:41

has put in the fucking work and I broke Fishy

0:44

the other day. Spencer

0:46

and Kevin, do you know what the enemy of tight

0:48

clips is? The

0:51

communism. What?

0:56

No. No? The

0:58

Nazis. The Nazis are

1:00

at it again. Oh

1:02

no, not the Nazis. That

1:04

takes us to Spencer's news corner.

1:09

Oh, Jeff. Let me tell you, you

1:12

want to know these news? All of them? Lay...

1:15

How about this? I don't have the energy for all

1:17

the news. You pick top

1:20

two news and lay them on me. I

1:23

think that's all that I can stomach right now. All

1:26

right, well the top story this hour is

1:28

that the Nazis are at it again, Jeff.

1:30

Oh no. I expected that.

1:33

And then, you know, our second

1:35

story to follow up on, you

1:37

know, at the hour. The

1:40

Nazis are at a new thing for

1:42

the first time? Oh

1:44

shit! Oh my God. Didn't... I

1:47

mean, look. Nazis... fucking

1:49

take it easy. Right. You

1:51

guys had a long run. You

1:53

blew it. You fucking screwed it. You are...

1:57

Most of you are alive, are either in Argentina or in the United

1:59

States. Tina or at

2:01

the Red Lion Bar in Silver Lake, Los

2:03

Angeles. Stop

2:06

being at things. Like just, just

2:09

leave it alone. Leave it. Like,

2:12

it was, it was a failed

2:14

experiment, right? It was

2:16

a failed experiment. Oh,

2:19

you know, we should do Spencer, which we do. We should

2:21

do a sports corner. Do you, Kevin, do you have any

2:23

sports corner, uh, music for us? I

2:27

was just talking about this, but it's still the

2:29

sports corner we got to have the points

2:32

zone. All right, Jeff, it's time for

2:35

the points zone. Okay.

2:38

Today, it was a big day in sports

2:40

for a lot of reasons. Who got the most points in which

2:42

sports? Oh, that had to

2:45

be Wayne Gretzky when

2:47

he delivered a wicked slap

2:49

shot down center field.

2:53

Wow. People forget that

2:55

Wayne Gretzky is now a major league

2:57

baseball player. And he

3:00

is slapping baseballs back from center

3:02

field. And, uh,

3:05

I think he, uh, he, he

3:07

got a double play. He caught it,

3:09

slapped it home to the, uh,

3:12

to the catcher and also he's.

3:18

Yeah. It looked sure. He's he's

3:20

an athlete. Okay. Uh, Spencer,

3:22

as you know, it's, it's pedantic

3:24

of me to even pretend that

3:26

you don't know this. Uh,

3:29

today, today was the, was the

3:31

Wimbledon fight men's final. Uh,

3:33

I think yesterday was the women's final. Uh,

3:37

tell me a little bit about the men's Wimbledon

3:39

final. Uh, it was, it was dramatic.

3:41

Uh, tell me about that. Well,

3:44

you know, it was an asphalt court, Jeff.

3:46

So, you know, what you'd expect from a

3:48

clay court, nothing, nothing going to be happening.

3:51

Um, you know, I of course prefer the

3:53

game on a grass field myself, but you

3:55

know, and Wimbledon for the last, uh, maybe

3:57

150 years has been played on grass. the

4:00

first time that they

4:02

played on asphalt at Wimbledon. Wow.

4:05

Really? Yeah. I

4:09

mean, you

4:11

wouldn't know by looking at those athletes, Jim,

4:13

because they really brought their A game. Wow.

4:18

Did you think that the winner, uh,

4:21

deserved the win? Like, I mean,

4:24

it's a record win. Um,

4:27

he's now tied for the most

4:29

majors, uh, with Nadal and, uh,

4:31

Federer. Right.

4:33

You got to hand it to Robert Downey

4:35

Jr. Jeff, he really knows he's

4:38

got a wicked backhand. He was

4:40

a dark horse. People didn't think that

4:44

a, uh, sobering, alcoholic,

4:47

drug addict could make it. Even

4:50

to the quarterfinals of what Wimbledon, but

4:52

fucking Robert. DJ fucking

4:54

came through. Also, it was

4:56

a big day for European soccer or football, if

4:59

you like it. And I do. Uh,

5:02

what did you think about the finals and the, and

5:04

the, and the Euro championships Spencer? I

5:06

just thought how England, uh, you know,

5:08

the fans went, the fans, the commentators,

5:10

all of them went after that was

5:12

just a really embarrassing, you know, it's

5:14

like, I don't want to get to

5:16

America, America, but it's like, we, you

5:18

know, we wouldn't be doing that sort

5:20

of thing. You know,

5:23

it's funny. You, I can't tell if you actually

5:25

know that you were absolutely right about

5:27

that. Yeah. No, I know. I

5:30

don't know exactly what I'm talking about, but I know

5:32

I'm right. I was wearing

5:34

a union Jack socks. I

5:36

was so drunk three days ago. Suspend

5:40

your disbelief, both of you. And then, and

5:42

then, and, and japucinos. Just

5:45

imagine a world where I was drunk and forgot

5:47

something. Uh, it, it, it

5:49

does happen once in a while. I was

5:51

watching the last game, England, Denmark at Eric

5:54

Idles house. I,

5:56

and I was driving back

5:59

to Eric's. this morning for the

6:01

final. And

6:03

I was like, I'll see you in a bit. He's like,

6:05

no, I'm not there. I was like, look back at your

6:08

texts from four days ago. I'm not going to be there.

6:10

I told you I was going to be at the Asher's

6:12

house. And thank

6:14

God for that. I was

6:17

wearing Union Jack socks. I was very,

6:19

I was going to root for England

6:22

even though I kind of wanted Italy

6:24

to win and they fucking did. Right.

6:26

It was, yeah, it was very good.

6:28

But the England fans, they're playing in

6:31

Wembley, Sports Corner. I

6:33

know most of our fans, I know most

6:35

of our fans are huge, huge

6:38

sports fans. I

6:41

really didn't like, and I'm an anglophile all

6:43

the way. I adore the English and I

6:45

love the British and all

6:47

that jazz. They, I thought

6:53

the fans are being douche bags and

6:55

they'll say that with absolute arrogance. That

6:57

happens. I'll say this is, I'll

7:00

say it was racist. Can

7:02

be. I don't know. I don't know what happens, but

7:05

they were being, they were being mean to the Danish

7:07

and the Danish like who fucking, who's ever going to,

7:10

why would you be mean to Denmark? I

7:13

mean, if you have to do that, if

7:15

you have the, if there's something about you

7:17

makes you do that to Denmark, that's really,

7:19

you know, really says more about you. Yeah.

7:21

Well, I mean, sometimes something is rotten in

7:24

the state of Denmark, but that's been, that's a

7:26

long time ago. And also

7:28

fucking Brazil lost to Argentina. That was

7:30

great because fuck, fuck Neymar. And also

7:32

I made, I made a joke about

7:34

Neymar. I made

7:37

a joke about another Macbeth

7:39

joke. Oh, no.

7:43

The first, the first one was Hamlet. The

7:45

Neymar one was a sleep

7:48

Neymar. That's a little

7:50

bit of a fucking Shakespeare for

7:52

y'all. There you go. And

7:54

then in, in Olympics news, the

7:57

Olympics decided no more, no more audience.

8:00

I think. Good. Also, did

8:02

you see how many fuckers were at Wimbledon

8:04

and how many people were at fucking Wembley?

8:06

Like, can we just... No. I

8:09

want to go out and do just like a

8:11

3,000 seater, do improv and tell

8:13

dick jokes, and sing songs about

8:15

balls and dicks, and

8:18

not die. And there was

8:20

too many fuckers out there, man. It's going to be

8:22

a second wave or fourth wave. How many waves are

8:24

we on? Delta wave. Delta

8:28

wave. Delta wave. Okay. I'm

8:30

going to roll a d20... That's how many

8:32

waves? On delta wave.

8:35

Okay. I don't know. This

8:38

might be too much power. I'm going to let you do

8:41

it, Spencer. You roll... Are you going to roll it? Yeah.

8:44

You roll delta wave stats or

8:46

not stats, but like, you know,

8:48

an attack. Yeah. And

8:51

they took away the audience, which is, you know, it's

8:53

a good start. Now they just got to take away

8:55

like the whole rest of the Olympics and then I'll

8:57

be happy. I love the

8:59

Olympics. Fuck the Olympics. I

9:01

got a 16. What does that mean? Oh, shit. We're

9:05

all dead. It's not good. We're all going to

9:07

die. What

9:09

is their attack bonus or whatever the

9:11

fuck? What's their... Plus

9:14

20, probably, right? It's so deadly.

9:17

Or maybe minus 10 because it's actually not

9:19

deadly at all. It's actually less deadly than

9:21

the cold. I'm

9:23

going to roll the planet

9:26

Earth's population of defense.

9:28

Do I have evasion? I

9:31

think we all have a little bit of evasion. You tell me

9:33

what I'm rolling here. There's a little bit

9:35

of evasion on all of us, I think. Right.

9:38

But what am I rolling here? What do stats here? I

9:42

guess you're rolling a constitution to save

9:44

to cost resist the coronavirus? I don't

9:47

know. Shit, that... I don't know. It's

9:49

war. I'm going to

9:51

roll it as bone wave roll. Hmm.

9:54

That's... That's

9:58

only 10. Oh, I

10:00

think you lost. I think you, I think

10:02

you caught COVID. By the Delta wave.

10:06

No, the whole planet got COVID again. I

10:08

think the whole planet caught COVID. You

10:11

know, I love doing our

10:14

commercials again, Spencer. It's been fun just doing ad

10:16

reads with you. Yeah. We

10:18

were doing the ad for ship station. Great

10:20

product, by the way. Uh, you know, if

10:22

you ever need to ship anything for your

10:24

small business or side hustle, go with ship

10:26

station. But I just started laughing, reading the

10:28

coffee because I was like, man,

10:31

reading podcast ads is so good. I was,

10:33

I wasn't there for ship station. Oh, you

10:35

were there for ship station, Jeff. I

10:37

was. Let me pull up the

10:39

ad copy actually. I

10:41

don't think, I don't remember a ship station at all. Oh,

10:43

you're going to remember it soon. I'll

10:46

tell you that. How

10:48

do I, was that really there? I

10:51

hope so. Was I there for ship station? Yeah.

10:54

What the fuck is ship station? Why can't

10:56

I pull up ship station? I mean, I'm assuming

10:58

it's the greatest way to ship a station. Uh,

11:00

for all your station and shipping needs, go to

11:03

ship station.gov and, uh, get

11:06

the promo code that happens.

11:09

What, what the fuck is shit? Kevin.

11:12

We don't have to add copy. Yes,

11:14

we never did. We definitely did. We're

11:16

a little sleepy. Yeah. Oh fuck.

11:18

Was I just on like mexican? What the fuck

11:20

is ship station? I

11:22

can't find the coffee. Unfortunately, I'm assuming we

11:24

should edit this part. Because I'm assuming

11:26

I should love, I'm looking for my shit.

11:30

Wait, I think I got it. I think I

11:32

got it. I've never heard of it. No, I don't have it. I

11:34

don't have it. I don't have it. Never heard of it. Check your

11:36

email. I'm checking it. I've

11:38

never, it's such a good podcast. It's

11:40

the best. Hey, hey, let's watch

11:42

an alcoholic go through his ads, uh, or

11:44

through his emails and find out whether or

11:47

not he did a thing. Ship

11:50

station. So you started your own online store.

11:52

You're doing what you love. Selling products that

11:54

he wants. I have orders coming in

11:56

fast. We didn't, we never did it. Now

11:59

the hard part. those products out. Luckily

12:01

ShipStation makes it easy. With ShipStation it's simple

12:03

to import, manage and ship your orders out

12:05

fast for a lot less money. It's no

12:08

wonder ShipStation is the number one shipping software

12:10

for e-commerce sellers with five star reviews or

12:12

with more five star reviews than anyone else.

12:15

I can say with 100% certainty I've never heard

12:17

of ShipStation and I did not do it.

12:20

I'm gonna pull up the email right now.

12:22

Okay you pull it up I'm gonna keep

12:24

reading. Incontrovertible.

12:28

I've never. Import orders

12:30

from any sales channel. I've never

12:32

heard of this ship. Ship with any

12:34

character using their deeply discounted rates. Automate

12:37

just about any shipping task. I've been having

12:39

a lot of time. Hey Jeff. I've been

12:41

thinking about your productivity lately. I think it's

12:43

kind of low. I'm not

12:46

productive at all Spencer. What is my

12:48

problem right now? I don't know. How

12:51

do you think you could be more productive? You know

12:53

I could, I was thinking that I

12:55

could take some more showers. Think

12:58

about how productive I could be if I was just

13:00

bathing constantly. You know I'd be on top

13:02

of the world. I don't remember it. Mostly

13:04

my productivity has slowed

13:06

down because I just look at

13:08

my underwear drawer and there's so

13:10

much meandee in there that I

13:12

get distracted by the array of

13:14

colors and fabrics. But that's not

13:16

helping me with getting my Etsy

13:18

products out and my online shipping.

13:21

No man if you want to be more

13:23

productive you gotta be using ShipStation. So what

13:25

ShipStation does, let me just break it down.

13:27

Let's say you started your own online store.

13:29

I don't remember this video. I don't

13:31

think I was even a factor. The

13:33

orders are coming in fast. Now you're

13:36

just gonna ship. I have a huge

13:38

line of artisanal candles and crystals that

13:41

are just secure and I don't know how to

13:43

get in my people. I remember that part. And

13:45

I have freeze-dried seeds. We gotta get those. You

13:47

gotta put that out Jeff. You know what Jeff?

13:49

You make it easy. Oh

13:52

that's why. Three weeks ago. I don't remember

13:54

what I had for breakfast today. But

13:57

like fucking first three weeks ago. Okay,

14:00

so that would be really funny if I was like,

14:02

Jeff, you had breakfast today, and you were like, I

14:04

have never had breakfast. Never had

14:06

breakfast. A

14:09

friend of mine, did I tell the story about a friend

14:11

of mine that was like a young, a

14:15

guy that just came out of the closet and

14:17

he was in the Castro up in San Francisco?

14:20

No. What's the- And he

14:22

was downstairs, the

14:26

bar was downstairs, and upstairs, it was like

14:28

a catwalk, gantry kind of thing, where

14:30

you could hang out and drink. And

14:33

while he was ordering a drink and the bartender was

14:35

pouring a drink, a bunch of

14:37

liquids splashed down, not

14:39

just into their drinks, but on their heads, like

14:43

everywhere. And

14:45

it was urine. And

14:49

this guy that I was talking to, his

14:51

name escapes me, thank God, and

14:54

he looked up and there was

14:56

a guy forcing it, like a daddy forcing

14:59

a sub to drink

15:01

his urine. Urine.

15:04

Again, I apologize everybody. And

15:07

what had splashed

15:09

down was a mouthful of piss into

15:12

everybody's drinks on the bar. And

15:16

my friend who was young and had

15:18

never been to a hardcore gay bar

15:21

in his life, goes into

15:23

this bar up in the Castro,

15:26

and he overhears this quote, which

15:28

is a hard one

15:30

to forget. Who

15:33

taught you how to drink piss? Let's

15:37

play some fucking D&D, and let me

15:39

stop talking about sex and dicks and

15:41

balls and pee. Yeah, come

15:43

on, this isn't sexy time, this is D&D time.

15:47

Although, you know what? We could branch

15:49

out Spencer and Kevin, like

15:51

go towards this being maybe the

15:54

most sex positive podcast of all

15:56

time. We really wake

15:59

people up. to fetishes and stuff like

16:01

that. Well you can put it out on OnlyFans.

16:05

What is OnlyFans? I don't even know what that is. It's

16:08

like cameo but for porn. Yeah,

16:10

I'm gonna quit all social media. I'm fucking

16:12

sick of it. Cameo,

16:14

Memo, they've all been very nice to me

16:16

but I just like... People,

16:20

you should... Oh my god, Jeff, you

16:22

really should have an OnlyFans. Are

16:24

you kidding me right now? What's an OnlyFans?

16:28

It's where you're your own porn star. Who

16:32

needs the porn star? I

16:34

don't need to be paid to be my own porn star.

16:36

Have you ever seen me in bed? That's what I'm saying

16:38

is that's passive income for you, Jeff. You're

16:40

laying all this time for you to

16:42

get paid. Who's gonna pay the piper, Jeff? That's you.

16:45

You're the piper. Time to get the piper paid.

16:49

You know what I'm saying? Kevin, record that

16:51

and that's my new OnlyFans act.

16:55

I don't want to pay the piper. I want to get

16:57

paid for the piper. This

16:59

is a very funny British poet named

17:01

John Cooper Clark who is still alive

17:04

somehow after doing heroin for, I believe,

17:06

90 years. And

17:09

he has a poem called Twat and

17:12

a live version of it. He goes, this is a poem... It's

17:16

sort of like, does a bear shit

17:18

in the woods? Does Pinocchio have a

17:20

wooden dick? Does Rose Kennedy own a black

17:22

dress? That's fucked

17:25

up. I

17:27

bet you did. You don't think

17:29

about Pinocchio's wooden dick very often these days, you

17:31

know? Right. I

17:33

mean, you have to wonder how anatomically

17:36

correct that you pay to take it. You

17:39

know, he was a lonely old bachelor. He's playing

17:41

around with little wooden boys. You know he put a little wooden dick on

17:43

that. Well,

17:45

that's the thing. It's like if you're like, oh, I want a son. And

17:49

you're like, oh, I got to make this son. It's

17:52

like I've spent three weeks working on

17:54

his little wooden dick because that's

17:57

how much care I put into making my wooden

17:59

son. I would say a tiny

18:01

wooden dick on a puppet the size

18:03

of Pinocchio would have been Geppetto's easiest

18:05

task though as a whole the whole

18:07

build I Think I

18:10

think making two little balls and one little wooden dick.

18:12

I think he I think he could probably knock that

18:14

out before lunch So when

18:16

you make a dick on a puppet, what's

18:19

your endgame? Like what are you what are you

18:21

going in with? You

18:23

know, right and also would

18:25

being would He

18:28

is he always erect because that's weird Oh,

18:30

no, if you if

18:33

you have it just say perennially to

18:35

message puppet little boy hanging around your

18:37

your workshop Yeah,

18:39

he's always hard and I guess unless you

18:41

don't like give him water eventually he gets

18:43

droopy or something Maybe is that

18:45

something that plants do I haven't I

18:47

haven't gotten a lot done today I think you know Spencer

18:49

and I both both of us really have just taken naps

18:52

I I

18:55

feel a certain sense of accomplishment for

18:57

having said perennially to mess and in

18:59

reference to Pinocchio's dick I'm

19:04

a brat I mean, but then it's weird like

19:06

what are you gonna carve like a little flaccid

19:08

boys dick like that? I mean that that takes

19:10

time. I think there's a little more nuance than

19:12

that Well, it's just

19:14

like again. Where are you

19:16

going with like why when

19:18

you're you're like, I need a little curve

19:20

wooden boy Let's make his

19:22

like overalls and he's got a little knees

19:24

and oh he's got to have just a

19:27

fucking dick just right there I'm

19:30

not saying that Geppetto is gonna

19:32

take off his little later hose and and look at it.

19:34

I Just think that

19:36

the craftsman that he is and you

19:39

know, I think the commitment to detail I think Geppetto

19:42

would like to know that everything is where it ought

19:44

to be Mm-hmm. I

19:46

like you know Yeah, when I

19:48

went to the the Academia Museum in Florence,

19:50

Italy and you and you see a bunch

19:52

of Jesus art Jesus art Jesus art for

19:55

like, you know two hours of

19:57

just like, you know Christian biblical stuff. That's

19:59

all that's all you were allowed to paint back then

20:02

up until a certain point. And

20:04

then you see David. I

20:09

mean, that's still biblical stuff,

20:12

but it's really breathtaking. But there's a lot of women

20:14

just sitting there. There's adventures around it. And there's a

20:16

lot of, I don't know, maybe it was

20:18

just the hour that I was there, but it seemed to be a

20:20

lot of middle aged women really just digging it. But I think, I

20:25

believe Michelangelo was homosexual, but not that this matters

20:27

at all. This doesn't have any bearing on the

20:29

thing. But the

20:32

right hand on David is

20:35

oversized. He has this enormous

20:37

right hand and his left hand is up on

20:39

his shoulder holding the sling. But

20:41

down by his waist

20:43

is his right hand, which is really

20:46

oversized. And it's

20:48

supposed to represent the right hand of God,

20:50

like the might of God, I think. But

20:52

I think the ladies know what that's supposed to really

20:55

mean. He's jerking it and he's good

20:57

at jerking it. No, no, no, I'm saying that the ladies

20:59

like to look at your hands, that they want to know

21:01

what's up downstairs and they look at the hands first as

21:03

some sort of signal, signifier.

21:06

But didn't David have a small dick in

21:08

the statue? I don't remember. He

21:10

has a kind

21:12

of a disappointingly small dick.

21:15

Like, I mean, he can't just have a

21:17

huge, you know, Dirk Diggler just fucking swing

21:19

it back. Yeah. I mean, you know the

21:22

story of David, right? And Goliath and stuff. The

21:24

story of David only works if he's like a

21:26

grower and not a shower. You know what I'm

21:28

talking about? Yeah. And

21:31

Goliath exact opposite, probably. Yeah.

21:35

And yeah, and

21:38

you got to assume Goliath was uncircumcised,

21:40

right? Well, David's a David's

21:43

got a little chapel on there. Oh,

21:47

man. That was impressive. Jeff

21:50

rolling off of Scream? That

21:53

happens. That's right. That

21:55

happens, faithful. It's the time of the

21:57

show when someone says that happens. or

22:00

something approximating it, which means now it's

22:02

time to drink an alcoholic beverage or

22:04

non-alcoholic beverage of your choice, or even

22:06

you don't even have to drink anything

22:08

if you don't want. Because

22:10

it's just we're having a fun time,

22:12

we're grasping at straws, we're trying to

22:14

make segments and things that can kind

22:16

of tie this whole time block together,

22:18

we're trying to see something, anything

22:21

that kind of seems like it could

22:23

be anything, we'll just grasp onto and

22:25

just hold onto it until we drown

22:27

it from our struggling drowning. So

22:30

that's what this is, and you

22:33

just got to accept it. Oh, thank

22:35

God, just back. Okay, okay, good. Actually,

22:37

it was sitting right over there, I was just enjoying listening to

22:39

you do that. You motherfucker.

22:42

He's my- Oh, god damn it! Son

22:44

of a bitch! Remember

22:47

last time on the last episode I tried to open

22:49

one and it didn't fucking work? This is the same

22:51

thing- Yeah. Oh no, that's why I was so close.

22:53

Spencer, Spencer, you got to fill, you got to fill

22:55

Spencer, I'll be right back. Oh, Spencer having to fill

22:57

again? That happens. That's right.

23:00

Okay, no, I don't want to do that for a second

23:02

time. What's up, Kevin? How's it going? Well,

23:04

you know what we could do to fill time right now? It's

23:07

time for an ad break. Who's our sponsor

23:09

today, Spencer? Oh,

23:11

that would be Remington

23:13

Steel. Is

23:15

that a movie? That's a movie, right? A TV show, yeah.

23:18

Okay, a TV show. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Get

23:20

ready for some high, exciting ads for Remington Steel. Oh

23:24

yeah. No, but you're right. We

23:27

really should take an ad break. Hi,

23:29

I'm Donny Osmond, home of the world's first tapeworm. I

23:37

got a photo of me and Donny

23:39

Osmond back

23:42

here somewhere. You know, he's the home

23:44

of the world's first tapeworm. I

23:46

didn't know this. Yeah, I'm sleeping good. I'm eating good. I

23:48

just made myself a very sexy dinner. And yeah, just no boozing. 12

24:00

days and I just feel, you know it's

24:02

like how people probably feel. Yeah,

24:06

yeah. I

24:08

hear that people are out there like

24:10

they have an appetite and they sleep

24:12

good and they wake up

24:14

and they're productive. It's very exciting. It's

24:17

all very exciting. A really

24:19

sexy meal. Did you make your

24:21

famous special titties thermador, Jeff? Titties

24:24

thermador, it's a cream based sauce. It's kind

24:26

of like somewhere between a Béchamel and

24:29

a Béchia Alice. Okay.

24:35

It's very good. It's a lot

24:37

of prep. Here's

24:39

what I'm, I think

24:42

we try this one on this episode because

24:44

this is the most confusing to me. Ranch

24:47

dressing soda. Do you

24:49

hear my throat tighten up as I try to get those words

24:51

out of my fucking mouth? My brain pulls my

24:53

throat to not make it happen. Okay.

24:58

I think we get out of the way because this

25:00

has been in my, all of these sodas have

25:03

been in my fridge for a week and

25:05

it's like a, like

25:07

a well-imposed telltale heart. You can just, you can feel

25:10

them at night. You can feel them like, like talking

25:12

to you. You want to,

25:14

what do you want Spencer? Do you want to

25:16

go bacon? You want to go ranch? Let's start

25:18

with the bullshit right off the bat. Yeah, that's

25:20

what I was thinking. Let's start with, let's just

25:22

do ranch. It's going to be the worst. You

25:24

know, Mark Twain has the saying, if you must

25:26

eat a frog, best do it first thing in

25:29

the morning. If you must

25:31

eat two frogs, eat the biggest one

25:33

first, which is like a metaphor

25:35

for like, you know, accomplishing tasks in life. But,

25:38

you know, you're going to, if there's a task, you're going to

25:40

be dreading it all day. So you

25:42

might as well just get it done and you might as

25:44

well get the worst thing over with first. Is

25:47

there anything else, the font is

25:49

so tiny and I just can't see. Is

25:51

there anything that is there like a thing

25:53

funny? Yeah. Is there any kind of a mission

25:57

statement from the people at Lester's Picsons?

26:00

No, but it's associated with rocket fizz, which there

26:02

is a rocket fizz in Burbank, but it closed,

26:04

which is kind of a bummer. We

26:08

might have otherwise been able to maybe just get these over

26:10

there or something. Save kind of the

26:12

trouble. Okay, well, are you ready

26:14

to crack open the ranch dressing? Yeah. I have

26:16

to do it. Oh my God. I don't even

26:19

love, I don't hate ranch, but I don't even

26:21

like ranch anyway. Oh Jesus Christ,

26:23

smell it. Just smell it. Kevin,

26:25

have you tried this before? No. Oh,

26:27

the smell of it. Oh

26:30

God, damn, this smells fucking awful.

26:34

This smells like brackish water at Seal

26:36

Beach where the fucking nuclear power plant

26:38

lets out just fucking sadness and algae

26:40

and wow. What

26:43

is the dairy? It's the

26:46

dairy that's making this whatever

26:48

it is that's happening to us. Oh

26:50

no. Lester, who

26:53

is the lady, who is the Mabel? What's

26:55

her name? Melba. I

26:59

had the right letters. I

27:01

got this Mountain Dew cake smash in the

27:03

wings so I could chase it because this

27:05

is my... I'm not overstating

27:08

this. This

27:11

couldn't smell worse. This is really

27:14

bad. This

27:16

is kind of like, and I'm very familiar

27:18

with this, but this is like when

27:21

you're in school and you're not very popular and

27:23

you want people to pay attention to you because

27:26

you're mistaken and you think that

27:28

attention is as good as validation

27:30

and admiration and respect and

27:33

you go like, oh, I'll just eat bugs. People

27:35

love it when I eat bugs and

27:38

then you gather the whole class around but it's like

27:40

they're laughing at you. You're not going to give me

27:42

respect. That's what we're doing as

27:44

a podcast. We're kind of like the LA beast

27:46

right now. I

27:49

didn't expect ranch soda to have a smell,

27:51

but I'll tell you what, it doesn't smell

27:53

like ranch anything. It smells

27:55

like just the worst. It

27:57

smells like stale dust dairy and it makes it look like a It

28:00

makes me want to actually check to see if

28:02

there's an expiration date. It smells like if you

28:05

leave a shirt and you forget to take

28:07

some laundry out of the washing machine and put it in the dryer

28:09

so it gets mildewed and then you

28:14

don't totally rinse it off again and a

28:16

little bit of mildew. It smells like stale

28:19

mildew but with some

28:21

awful chemical process involved.

28:24

I'm not a freak but I would much prefer

28:27

the smell of mildew than this honestly. Okay

28:30

bottoms up. Jesus

28:32

Christ I'll see you in hell. It

28:46

tastes better than a smell. It

28:49

tastes no but the smell is still there. That

28:51

note that made us all. The flavor

28:53

is fine but the flavor has a

28:56

flow on top of it. Oh this

28:58

is aftertaste. There's an aftertaste. Does the

29:00

aftertaste fucking wash it over like a

29:02

tsunami? It tastes rotten. It makes me

29:04

feel like maybe it's actually bad. I

29:07

don't know that it's bad but that's not

29:09

a reaction you should be getting. Because it's

29:11

really sweet. It's almost like butterscotchy sweet but

29:13

then there's that hint of like

29:16

fake herbs and spices. It's

29:19

a stale, dusty, spicy, herb, buttermilk flavor.

29:21

I'm going to pour this on a

29:23

plant I hate. Jesus

29:25

Christ. I'm going

29:28

to pour this

29:32

on Jeffrey Epstein's

29:34

grave. He didn't

29:36

kill himself. Did you know

29:38

this? Am I right? He's

29:42

probably not going to survive the next round.

29:45

So I should cast Cure Woods on him.

29:49

Oh yeah, you know Cure Woods. You

29:52

think that's probably a smart move. Okay,

29:55

so that's 1d8 plus my spellcasting

29:57

modifier. That's plus 4. Yeah,

30:00

which is your charisma, so plus four. Okay,

30:03

so that's six plus four, that's 10. There

30:06

you go, Jeff, you just gained back 10

30:08

health points. Oh, yeah, so

30:11

I'm up to 10. You

30:13

just won 10 new health points, how

30:16

do you feel? I

30:19

feel good, baby. Tell

30:22

him the phrase that pays. So

30:25

you don't feel the pinch of the pump. We

30:30

usually do a podcast called The Pinch of the Pump. I

30:34

was at a TV show a long time ago, and

30:36

I had to do a radio tour where you get

30:38

up at 4 a.m. and you do like East Coast

30:41

like morning talk shows, like drive

30:43

time talk shows, and then you do like 30 of

30:45

them until it's West Coast time,

30:48

and then you're dead. And

30:50

because people know me as

30:53

an improviser, one

30:56

morning talk show, it was like Monkey

30:58

Man and the Zit, whatever

31:01

their awesome thing was. And

31:04

they asked me to do a rap about,

31:07

the 10th caller of the call-in would get a, I

31:10

don't know what the deal was, but they would get

31:12

like $100 bill to

31:15

ease the pinch of the pump because

31:17

the gas

31:19

prices were high at the time. And

31:22

I said, no. I said, it's 5

31:24

a.m. my time, I'm in my underwear, and I'm not rapping

31:27

for you right now because nobody wants that. But

31:31

weren't you feeling the pinch of the pump? I

31:35

was making so much money at the time, it was really

31:37

irrelevant. I

31:40

did not feel the pinch. I was living that

31:42

pinch-free lifestyle. My

31:47

body is going through changes right now. I'm turning

31:49

into a werewolf. Oh

31:54

no. I'm gonna fucking die. Can

31:57

I roll Constitution save on Cake

31:59

Smash? in a way you are already are.

32:02

Uh, kind of broke even. What'd

32:04

you get? Let's get back to

32:06

the fiver. Take my mind off my fiver. I'm

32:08

gonna fucking have a seizure. All

32:12

those years that Jeff wasn't feeling the

32:15

pinch at the pump have finally come

32:17

back to haunt him in this one

32:19

burst. I'm feeling a literal pinch on

32:21

my actual pump, my heart. I'm

32:24

feeling the pinch at the pump. But

32:28

I, the three sips I had of

32:30

Cake Smash made me want to fucking die. And

32:32

that was just... Ugh.

32:36

I don't feel good. I really don't feel good.

32:41

Oh, you know what? I wouldn't feel good

32:43

without all these fine products and

32:45

services by our sponsors, Jeff. That's

32:48

right, it's time for an ad at the end

32:50

of the show. Hey,

32:53

um, the Titmouse. That's

32:56

right, the real life mouse

32:58

with tits that inspired the

33:00

bird and animation studio. Come

33:02

check out, uh, The Rage

33:04

Wars. A new comic by Titmouse.

33:07

The animation studios. We make comics

33:09

now. Titmouse. Hi,

33:12

I'm Lester. I'm Lester from

33:15

Lester's Fixins. Do

33:17

you like soda that tastes like a pile

33:19

of human shit? We

33:21

got it. Do you like tube socks? Do

33:24

you like flavors like salted snake?

33:26

If you think of it, you

33:28

can drink of it. I'm

33:30

Lester. Me and Moba going through

33:32

a very acrimonious divorce settlement right

33:34

now. She's got the rights to

33:37

all seafood-based soda pops. I

33:41

am more of a

33:44

tertiary guy. Our

33:47

new one is, uh, is, uh,

33:50

creamed hair. Creamed

33:53

hair. We

33:56

leave some of the pulp in it. By pulp

33:58

I mean the actual hair. The secret

34:01

to our creamed hair soda is that

34:03

we leave the hair in there. It's

34:05

forever! Hello

34:17

and welcome to That

34:19

Happens, the podcast where

34:21

three mysterious brothers venture

34:23

into the center of

34:25

time. I'm your host Billy

34:28

West and I'm

34:31

sitting here with Jeff Davis.

34:34

Hello hang on let me

34:36

make sure I'm recording at the hold up

34:38

and I am now, yes I'm recording,

34:41

let's make podcasts motherfucking

34:43

history right now. Jeff

34:46

is recording let's go! As

34:50

the baby says Jeff, you know the

34:52

baby Jeff? I

34:58

just want to, so for the fans we

35:01

were doing ads, I

35:03

had the genius idea because I'm a

35:05

genius that instead of recording

35:07

all the ads every time, what

35:10

if we do what every other podcast

35:12

does and record the ad once and

35:15

then we'll just play it multiple times and then

35:17

we can record and then maybe

35:19

in a month we'll record another one, genius

35:21

everyone loved it, round of applause,

35:23

people were going nuts, the

35:26

Dow Jones shot up, it was great. And

35:30

then so we were doing it, it was great and then

35:32

all of a sudden we hear, I hear, oh

35:34

this isn't working anymore, we can't be doing this and

35:36

it's like okay well what's the problem? And

35:39

it's oh it's me undies, me undies is

35:41

mad that we didn't record a second ad, we

35:43

just did the same one over again so they

35:45

pulled the ad and now

35:47

they're not doing ads anymore. We

35:52

lost me undies? We lost the

35:54

big me undies account Jeff and it's all

35:56

our fault but to me, there was

36:00

a problem but we solved it. So why? I'm

36:03

gonna say this right now. We've

36:07

done more for Mielendis than Mielendis has done

36:09

for itself. We

36:11

have sold, I would say

36:14

more underpants than anybody ought to

36:16

ever sell. If Mielendis is ungrateful

36:18

for the work that we've put in, I'm

36:21

happy right now to sever

36:23

ties with them. Oh,

36:25

they already did. They did already. They already did that. Okay,

36:27

good. But then

36:29

that's a done deal. But so what

36:32

I don't get is, to my knowledge,

36:34

other companies haven't complained. So

36:37

like, why don't we just keep

36:39

running the ads we already did until they

36:41

complain? Like it doesn't seem, it seems like the

36:44

only, to the extent there was a problem, it

36:46

solved itself and there's no longer a problem. It's

36:49

funny you mention Mielendis because they are

36:51

the most uncomfortable underwear I've ever worn.

36:53

They don't fit right. Micro

36:55

Modal fabric is,

36:58

it gives you leukemia. It's

37:00

not been totally verified

37:03

but no one can say that

37:05

the fact that most leukemia

37:07

incidents over the last six

37:10

to 18 months are

37:12

not Mielendis related. The

37:16

medical findings are still incoming but

37:19

also one of my

37:22

testicles has shrunk. The other one has

37:24

ballooned in size. And

37:26

I, again, I can't say that it is

37:28

not a result of Mielendis and Micro Modal

37:31

fibers. I blame the overly

37:36

garish colors

37:38

and patterns. I think that's

37:40

why I probably

37:42

am dying. I

37:45

just wanted to share some of my personal

37:47

experiences which is for years I thought I

37:49

was being swaddled in comfort. But I go

37:51

to the doctor, turns out that wasn't comfort

37:53

at all. That was brain

37:56

lesions. I thought I was

37:58

comfortable all this time. It turns out He

38:00

was giving me brain lesion. Yeah,

38:02

do you see me on these? And also every

38:04

other sponsor out there, how much we can bring the

38:06

sunshine and fucking bring the rain. This

38:09

is what we can destroy your

38:11

company with one episode of pod

38:13

blasting. So

38:15

fucking watch your step. Wait,

38:18

so wait, wait, what didn't we do?

38:20

What did we not do? We

38:22

didn't record a second ad. We should have,

38:25

from their perspective, we should have recorded fresh

38:27

ads every time. If

38:29

they want that, I get it. But in the

38:31

past, I don't know that it's specifically been something

38:33

people have wanted, and so it's like, why are

38:36

we doing all this extra work if no one

38:38

even hears? I also haven't

38:40

been sent any new free underwear, which

38:43

is probably good, which is probably the reason

38:46

why I'm not currently dead of various diseases

38:48

right now, because that's the

38:50

only reason my brain's recovered. Me

38:53

undies, it's the kiss of

38:55

death. We dare you,

38:57

with me undies underwear, to survive the

38:59

night. If you put

39:01

a pair of me undies underpants on, and

39:04

you wake up in the morning, healthy

39:07

and hearty, your money

39:09

back, because we're here to

39:11

kill you, we're me undies.

39:14

Me undies. Yeah. Risk

39:17

your dick in our mystery shits.

39:19

Yeah, we fucking, me

39:22

undies, dedicate

39:24

six years of your life doing

39:26

wonderful, hilarious commercials for her,

39:28

and our response will

39:30

fucking give you leukemia. There's

39:33

a nap for that. There's

39:36

a nap. Last

39:42

time on That

39:44

Happens, our heroes had taken

39:46

off in

39:49

the Liberator to find an

39:51

enemy ship that was

39:53

smuggling, smuggling goods, smuggleables.

39:56

Our heroes went in the dead of

39:59

night in a- ambushed the ship,

40:01

sneaking onto the back, killing a

40:03

guy, and then taking the captain

40:05

hostage. But he didn't stay

40:07

a hostage, because they fucking got

40:10

in a big fight with all the

40:12

pirates or the smugglers. Smugglers aren't necessarily

40:14

pirates, I guess, but a pirate could

40:16

certainly engage in smuggling. Anyway,

40:19

they fought, the captain fell

40:21

down, another guy

40:23

died, or was

40:25

started to die. What

40:28

else happened? Some other guys got, it

40:30

was just kind of like a combat, you know, it

40:32

was like a normal fight, blows,

40:35

etc. Fuzzy

40:38

Knuckles did a really cool move, and

40:40

while he did the move, he saw

40:42

an approaching ship. It's a

40:44

silhouette sparkling in the moonlight.

40:47

But who was on the oncoming vessel?

40:50

Would they even get there before

40:52

the something? And

40:55

was even going to the

40:57

beach? Would they go to

40:59

the next time? Danger!

41:04

Now! Okay,

41:08

that was really good. Uh,

41:11

Kyle, do you have, uh, I need five

41:13

good men or women, or,

41:16

you know, I don't want to assign

41:18

gender to whoever you have on

41:20

board here, to

41:22

sail us back into Saltmarsh Harbor and

41:25

re-unload all this stuff and give it back

41:27

to the people. I need five good men

41:29

just to do that. If you

41:31

do that, we will put you on a

41:33

boat of your own and let you flee

41:35

the scene alive in good shape. He

41:39

goes, I'll

41:41

see what I could rustle up,

41:44

unless, that

41:47

is, unless all of us, or, that

41:50

is, unless we all don't

41:52

get slaughtered first by

41:55

the freaking crazy bees,

41:58

Cliffhanger! Crazy

42:01

bees? Jesus

42:03

Christ. Crazy bees.

42:05

I'm writing that down. I'm writing down crazy

42:07

bees with an exclamation point. That

42:09

was the me undies of Cliff Hangers, by the

42:11

way. Alright. Let's

42:15

get the hell out of here. Have

42:17

a great journey, man. Don't try... Don't

42:22

try Melba's carrot cake. Don't try

42:24

Melba's key lime pie.

42:27

Certainly don't try Lester's

42:29

Fixin's bacon soda. That really is just

42:31

like... It's

42:34

fuckin'... Ah, it's fuckin' shit through a sock.