0:04

Hello and welcome to the Adam

0:06

Friedland Show podcast this week. We

0:09

are back. We are joined by the original

0:11

to come, what is it called? The original

0:13

show. Well, this

0:15

is the regular, right? So what the, we're not really

0:17

back. This is the regular. This is the first one.

0:19

We're the regular. We're going to pretend this is the

0:22

first episode. We got to pretend this is the painful

0:24

oral surgery. We're the ranks. And he's really, he had

0:26

a gum graft and

0:28

he has a piece of dead skin

0:30

connected by clay to a

0:33

piece of skin that's been wrapped, ripped

0:35

off. I don't understand. I don't really,

0:37

I don't really read

0:39

his texts fully, but he

0:42

will not be here until next week. So

0:45

can I just read it again? Get the hashtags Nick

0:47

strong. Going in.

0:50

Let's get that in going on the internet. Nick strong.

0:53

I've never known a tougher bastard than

0:56

Mr. Nick. If there's

0:58

anyone, anyone having so much

1:00

more fun. Yeah. I know.

1:02

Now there's all this pressure to be funny. That

1:05

sucks. Oh man. We

1:08

were watching. I'm showing us

1:10

the funniest video. Whenever someone

1:12

goes watches, you're like,

1:15

shut the fuck up. And

1:21

that was, I got to give you credit. That

1:23

was so worth it. It was so funny.

1:25

It's really funny. You nailed it. Yeah,

1:27

I really nailed it. It was a Liam

1:30

Neeson playing Oscar Schindler. Yeah,

1:32

he was really funny in it. If

1:35

I was talking about saving one more. What

1:37

TV show was that? Extras? Life

1:40

is short. Is that a movie? Life is short.

1:42

That was one of the Ricky Gervais. They

1:45

gave him like 10 shows in a row for like,

1:47

in a five year period. I really love

1:50

where he goes with this new stand up hour. What

1:53

is he? He

1:55

really goes there. He does. He's like, you

1:57

should go to penis. Oh, is he

1:59

anti trans? I think. Yeah, I think he

2:02

has been for a little bit. I would assume they all are, yeah.

2:04

He's anti anything different. And

2:07

if you wanna see something different, you'll

2:10

see me on the road,

2:12

ianfadians.com. This weekend

2:14

I'm in Seattle, February 4th,

2:16

Portland, February 6th, Sacramento,

2:18

punchline, February 7th, Cobb's Comedy

2:20

Club, and then February 8th

2:23

to 10th, San

2:25

Diego American Comedy Company, ianfadians.com.

2:28

Ah! And I'll be plugging my dates at the end

2:30

of the show, like we're supposed to do. I'm not

2:32

some HIV-infested whore. I

2:34

might die by the end of

2:36

the episode. Yeah, so we're also

2:39

gonna get the hashtag ianstrong, NickAndianStrong,

2:42

NickianStrong. Nickian. So

2:44

I got Raleigh,

2:46

Cleveland, Cincinnati, Chicago,

2:48

and Charlotte, and those dates are

2:51

on microscenecomedy.com. Yeah, and I guess

2:53

since we're doing this crap now,

2:56

I will be in Boston and Detroit in March.

2:59

Yes. So where can they get tickets? adamfreedland.com.

3:04

Detroit's a fun, it's a great place to go.

3:07

Is it? Yeah, I like it. What

3:09

is it like there? They have Detroit-style

3:11

pizza, which is good. Yeah, that's nice.

3:13

Detroit-style pizza is so good. It's like

3:16

a, I, it's good. Okay, no, okay.

3:18

What did I find? And then it's just like a

3:20

town, it's like you kinda like root for it when

3:22

you're there. Yeah. You're like, maybe this is,

3:24

you know, they bringing it back,

3:26

I heard it was a food desert. I

3:28

went to a hardcore festival there called Tie

3:31

Down, shout out Tie Down, Jeff

3:33

and Ramona, great fest. Support

3:35

those guys, it's fucking awesome. And

3:38

it truly was an industrial area

3:40

that reminded me of the neighborhood

3:42

in Barbarians. Really? Yeah.

3:45

Oh, isn't that, the movie Barbarian is

3:47

in Detroit, isn't it? No. Isn't

3:50

that the, that's the Airbnb,

3:52

like, horror movie, I think that's

3:54

Detroit. Dude, I watched it with my mom, it

3:56

was so, we love watching like bad horror movies.

3:59

And she watched it. We watch TV

4:01

movies like black women. Yeah theater. My

4:03

mom's like this woman dumb Actually,

4:06

I had that since the other

4:08

day I was in bed sigh in Brooklyn and

4:10

I was like this reminds me a lot of

4:12

the neighborhood from do the right thing Yeah

4:21

Well that movie is funny because it came out You

4:24

look like a little fly salamander All

4:30

right, I know I'm at an 86 and Brooklyn's

4:33

like being gentrified in it, you know Yeah,

4:35

you have that guy myself takes your service

4:37

Jersey. Yeah, and he's already starting it like

4:39

like body We're nice brownstone. Yeah, some of

4:41

the things John Tatoro said he

4:44

said My friend Eric my friend Eric is uh, one of

4:46

the most special guys I have ever known my entire life

4:59

And I was staying with him in bedside when

5:02

I first came to New York his people on

5:04

brownstone And

5:07

and He

5:11

so I stayed with him the first two weeks that I lived

5:13

in New York We're on the bus

5:15

and he was like I was like, oh, isn't this like

5:17

the same neighborhood as do the right thing? And

5:20

he's like, yeah, but I disagree and

5:22

I was like what what do you mean?

5:24

He's like, oh, yeah, I fucking disagree Fucking

5:28

about we're all the buses be allowed. He's like,

5:30

yeah, dude, like I don't fucking think they did

5:32

the right thing and I was like He's

5:38

like dude just like throwing that trashcan like

5:41

what are you gonna destroy people's property and It's

5:44

like you're under a thing. Yes,

5:46

they trashed their own neighborhood Difficult

5:50

to figure out what the right thing About

5:58

race Yeah,

6:00

yeah, yeah, New York City in

6:02

the 80s and Brooklyn. Yeah,

6:05

no, I disagree Dude, he said the funniest thing

6:07

to me of all time I probably said it

6:09

before on the show but fuck it who cares

6:11

we're gonna repeat ourselves, but um He

6:14

was like the week Dola's all

6:16

happened. He was like my friend We

6:18

were like he he kept doing college. You

6:20

know what I mean? We'd be like 28

6:22

be like dude fucking flip cup dude like

6:25

29 like yeah, dude fucking bless you

6:28

He wanted pregame still and like

6:31

it's just get blacked out. Yeah, and we're like

6:33

trying to be adults at that point Yeah,

6:36

but what's wrong with what? flip

6:39

cups fun It's it's

6:41

it's you know, we're like we're we're

6:43

not in college anymore He's trying to

6:45

get like you can't play flip cup

6:47

in dime square. Can you no no

6:49

no we were we were Listen,

6:52

it's it's uh, it's that

6:54

he's still the social Conditions

6:56

that we existed within and 18 had not

6:59

shifted, you know, like he's yeah, but they're

7:01

the funnest guys to be around He's awesome.

7:03

That's why I still chill with him, but

7:05

he would you know, sometimes be a liability

7:08

at like 930 We

7:12

hadn't even left the apartment yet and he was

7:14

already done he was very cooked, you know The

7:17

week Dola's all happened. He's like dude

7:20

fucking Thursday Thursday's flip cup. Let's go

7:22

like this Whatever he's talking about and

7:24

he's like yo He's

7:26

uh, he goes like dude, you see the

7:28

fucking news this week and I was like

7:30

what he's like, there's a bitch

7:34

And I was like well I

7:38

was like what bitch dude, and he's

7:40

like dude, so there's this bitch and Um,

7:43

he's from Seattle. So he like

7:45

was from Washington. I guess this

7:47

happened in Spokane Washington

7:49

he's like so yeah in Spokane. They

7:51

don't have any fucking black people But

7:54

this bitch she was white and

7:56

then she was head of the NWACP He

8:02

thought

8:05

it was called the N.W.A. He

8:09

thought it was called like the rap group

8:12

instead of the National Association

8:14

for the Advancement of Colored

8:16

People I guess this is

8:19

still... That's not an honest

8:21

mistake I think N.W.A. He thought it was N-words

8:23

with attitude and colored people

8:27

That's the group They're

8:29

two guys with colored people N-words

8:31

with attitude and then colored

8:33

people Like

8:35

the classic Chris Rockbit Classic

8:38

Chris Rockbit Of

8:40

course we all know N-words with

8:42

attitude, always fucking shit up for

8:44

the colored people That's

8:47

true The madman

8:50

Isn't that funny that was the thing My

8:52

grandma, my great uncle, they would say colored

8:55

But we don't say that anymore It's

8:57

normal People of

8:59

color, the same fucking thing People

9:03

of color I'm gonna go back pretty soon to... To

9:06

what? To what? To

9:10

Michael Me

9:14

and my brother went to San Diego My dad

9:16

came to pick us up at the airport It

9:19

was 2005 and he just got his cell phone

9:21

Didn't know how to use it He was like,

9:23

make calls and turn it off And put it

9:25

in his glove compartment He

9:29

like never had his cell phone on My mom

9:31

would be like, you're fine He never had his

9:33

cell phone on He turns it off

9:36

and puts it in his glove compartment Like

9:38

a gun We just

9:40

stayed the place because it admits radiation And

9:42

I think I'm sterile because I always had

9:45

it in my lap when I was driving

9:47

Yeah, probably So my

9:50

brother and I went to San Diego I

9:52

was going to put the brake on that

9:54

too Your father's balls are fine My father's

9:56

balls are confusing Just let it add that Your

9:58

father's balls are doing good I can't

10:00

I can't make babies. I'll be calling

10:02

you. Yeah, you and me both brother.

10:04

Hey, all right We're

10:06

just making God those what little mutants in our

10:09

in our wife's womb You're making little

10:11

meagles Meagles,

10:14

yeah, little meagle ruined my wife's life

10:16

for two weeks two months

10:18

in and out of the doctors Then

10:21

why don't we just I'm like can't we just adopt like a

10:23

little kid from Haiti? Why don't I want

10:25

my kid to have like a little you know, yeah, why

10:27

don't you different color? She's like

10:29

there's too much paperwork and she's like you

10:31

don't do paperwork. I hate paperwork.

10:34

I hate paper I imagine adopting a kid.

10:36

There's a lot of you know paperwork is

10:38

like worksheets when you're growing up You got

10:40

to do the worksheets. I hated worksheets I

10:42

do kind of like paperwork when it comes

10:44

down to your signature. That's fun.

10:46

Hmm. You like this signature part. You're

10:48

it's four years That

10:51

is fun. Yeah, I like finding the thing at

10:53

the coffee shop, too Yeah, I always do a

10:55

different thing on it. Yeah. Yeah, and when I

10:58

Lot of people have been asking me for W 9 Yeah

11:01

When I get my W 9 with the signature on

11:03

it and when I have I feel like I'm

11:05

like the CEO of Microsoft Yeah, when I when I got

11:08

that done it feels that way because it's so hard. I

11:10

did that shit digitally I don't know why they make it

11:12

so difficult. Yeah, I have someone file So anyway, so my

11:14

dad was picked pick us up at the airport me and

11:16

my brother and this is like before cell phones He doesn't

11:19

know how to use his cell phone So he finally like

11:21

meets us at the airport and he's like, I don't know

11:23

where the hell you guys are You mother didn't tell me

11:25

the gate and you know this this this lady's behind me.

11:27

Tell me a movie Some

11:31

ways like That work

11:33

to the airport that does that tells you Mad

11:36

bro. Yeah job is yelling a car. Yeah,

11:38

I'll get cars. Yeah the car yellow Yeah,

11:41

you need them to you know This

11:44

is rude to actually be there but they

11:46

should be in boy. Yeah, yeah, they don't

11:48

get burned out at yelling a car Yeah,

11:50

they get that would employ more people. Yeah

11:53

So my dad's son my he's like he's like

11:55

your mother's calling me I don't know where you

11:57

guys are and then so his cell phone rings

12:00

And I answer it and I hear like, I

12:02

hear like, hey, is Marcus there? It's

12:04

like some African-American gentleman.

12:07

I think had the wrong number. Was he an NWA

12:09

or something? He was an

12:11

NWA. He sounded more like an NWA. So

12:16

I'm like, I don't know who this is.

12:19

But it's probably the wrong number, but I'm like, maybe my dad

12:21

has some kind of double life where

12:23

he goes to train and goes

12:26

to cookout. And he has friends. And he has

12:28

friends and they're calling. So what's

12:30

his name? What's your dad's name? Robert. Yeah, they're

12:33

like, Rob, Bob. Hey, big Rob. Hey,

12:35

big Rob. Hey, big Rob. You

12:37

know me, Rob, got the seasoning. Yeah.

12:41

So I'm like, big Rob

12:43

got the seasoning. That's the impression of

12:45

a black person. They're

12:47

like, ooh, Rob brought the seasoning. What's

12:52

that? What's that? What's that? I had to come

12:54

down to my house. And when all my friends

12:56

showed up, they got mad because they didn't have

12:58

any seasoning. So they all went to the grocery

13:01

store and spent an hour seasoning my

13:03

shrimp and chicken flurries. Well,

13:05

you're your black friend. That's fine, but it's like, you

13:07

don't need to dump a bunch of powder on your

13:09

food. There's other ways to make soup

13:11

taste good. We

13:13

went to a cookout one time and I was like, this

13:16

chicken's great. This is a mustard sauce. Mike,

13:18

this has gone on too far. Where

13:21

they criticize our seasonings. They say salt is

13:23

too spicy to eat. Well, when you look

13:25

at the seasoning, see,

13:28

paprika is just dehydrated pepper, garlic

13:31

powder, onion powder. That's all stuff that you can put

13:33

fresh in here. Yeah, you can put garlic. Yeah,

13:35

fresh garlic. And then you wonder why all

13:37

their feet are falling off. Oh

13:41

my God. Okay, all right. All

13:43

right. Come on, man. Come on.

13:45

Hold on, hold on. Cut. What

13:48

the hell are you doing? $45,000 for a chance. What?

13:52

What? What? What? I'm

13:55

just destroying the set. It's

13:57

came off! It hits me.

14:00

Oh Yeah,

14:31

when he had his clown shoes episode

14:38

No, that's nice cuz they're like

14:40

removable each Here

14:44

they're here now they weren't $40,000 each or $4,000. Okay Not

14:49

bad. They're nice chairs. I

14:51

was not They

14:56

had to all be sourced. All

14:58

right enough with them enough with the chairs

15:00

alone if I can juggle you want me

15:02

ten bucks No What

15:08

do we get if you can't juggle it make

15:11

this make the You

15:22

don't Blow

15:25

his pop So

15:36

my dad So his phone rings and it's some guy

15:38

and I'm like well maybe my dad is some kind

15:41

of like double life or something So I'm like I

15:43

hint I go. Let me put my dad on

15:45

the phone. I'm like, here you go

15:47

dad And he takes the phone he

15:49

goes hello He takes the phone he

15:51

closed it like throws on the floor

15:53

and the corner and I go who

15:55

is that dad? He goes some

16:00

He dropped the picture, he was so pissed, but

16:02

I took him to some of the airport and

16:04

he dropped the fucking end ball. Your

16:08

father did? Yeah. Wow.

16:13

He's just so upset. Yeah, that's

16:15

the story. He

16:18

said a word that I've never said, ever. That's

16:21

horrible. That's one of the worst words in the

16:24

English language. Of course. I

16:26

think we all learned an important lesson here today about... Maybe he'd

16:28

be worst. Yeah, might be the worst.

16:31

Probably the worst. I can

16:33

think of another worst word. What? Marriage. Sorry

16:40

about his placement. Yeah,

16:43

I can think of another N word. No

16:46

sex for a month and a half. No

16:50

pussy for six weeks. Because

16:53

there's a little demon in your wife's vagina. She's

16:56

more harmful. You

17:01

live in hell. I

17:05

read women in hell. No

17:13

pussy since Christmas. No

17:18

pussy since Christmas. No,

17:27

we're just having fun. What

17:34

a great life, huh? You gonna

17:36

smoke? No, don't. I was coming here and

17:38

I said I can't. It's finally clean. It's

17:41

finally clean. You know what? Just

17:44

for me, it's a very stressful time right

17:46

now. Respect. Thanks, Ian. What's stressing

17:48

you out? We got a lot going on and

17:50

then we have a big day on Tuesday. Big day on

17:52

Tuesday. I can't say what it is. I'm

17:54

excited for the big day Tuesday. I'm

17:56

excited for the big day Tuesday. It's so big. I'll

18:01

come and clean up the studio if you want it. He

18:04

did say if we need any extra set of hands. No,

18:06

I'd be happy. I will let you know if

18:09

we need extra set of hands. Sacramento, the Sacramento

18:11

punchline. If you

18:13

want, I'll cancel. Guys,

18:15

I don't think they noticed. Guys, it's my big

18:17

day! Low ticket count. I want to be here

18:19

to cheer on our friends. Wait, what's the punchline?

18:22

What's Cobb's? Is that the name City? Yeah,

18:24

I don't know why. They booked me one

18:26

night on Tuesday and one night on Wednesday. In

18:29

Sacramento? Sacramento

18:33

and where's the second place? San Francisco.

18:37

That's not 20 minutes, but... Well, Cobb's is

18:39

like a 400 seater. Yeah.

18:43

Like 186. Cobb's is nice, right? I

18:45

love Cobb. It's great. I'm

18:47

like, ugh. Yeah. But

18:49

it'll be fine. Everything's fine. Everything's

18:51

good. At least I'm not living in hell. You

18:54

guys ever play the Applebee's in

18:56

Tlaif, Ohio? I

19:00

haven't been to an Applebee's in a while. I

19:02

feel like it's not. I heard of... Do you

19:04

hear about this deal? Chili's just dropped. Well, I was

19:06

gonna say, I went to Chili's like maybe nine

19:09

years ago. It was dog shit. It was horrible.

19:12

Do you remember macaroni when you don't like this? So they have

19:14

a deal now. They have a deal now. What the fuck's that

19:16

about? Why are you grilling

19:18

macaroni? Also, yeah, I liked it better

19:21

when it was called Olive Garden. Yeah.

19:25

No, macaroni grills now carabas. Hey, can

19:27

you... Hey, let me... Okay. You grilled

19:30

that macaroni. Grilled it more. I throw that

19:32

macaroni on the grill. Yeah, I like my

19:34

macaroni rare. Macaroni on

19:36

the grill. Yeah, like my steak. Okay, so

19:38

there's a Chili's like date club or something.

19:40

What? Where

19:42

you can like give them like, I don't

19:44

know, like $2,000. And then one week.

19:47

So like half a chair? You get

19:49

dinner once a week. For $2,000. I

19:51

think... I gotta find the numbers. Oh, flat.

19:54

Yeah. What? Chili's...

19:58

It's not even like special. Because

20:01

there's some chain restaurants that are

20:03

not they're like, you know fine.

20:05

They're serviceable. Texas Roadhouse is okay

20:08

You know, I gotta say man. I used to

20:10

I grew up going to Outback I loved it last time

20:12

I went there the burger was like

20:14

a hockey puck. Yeah, they're not not the burger the

20:17

steak Sometimes but maybe it's like

20:19

the location because I went to an outback and fucking

20:23

Yeah We went

20:25

we went to his Texas Roadhouse in Poughkeepsie. We

20:27

waited like an hour for a table Yeah, and

20:29

it was just like yeah, it's like the cards

20:31

are stacked up against you as a Texas Roadhouse

20:33

You'd like work hard to be like no, it's

20:35

worth anything, you know, yeah Dude,

20:37

I went to a spot. You ever been

20:40

a rollos in Brooklyn? Yeah, my friend heard

20:42

my old roommate my old roommate owns it

20:45

really? Yeah, it's in Ridgewood. It's in

20:47

Queens Yeah, yeah, my old roommate I

20:49

worked in restaurants forever and then he like left

20:52

the restaurant grammar. They were like where ever she's

20:54

having they all left and they

20:56

Open rollos bro it and they

20:58

owned a bakery in Brooklyn as well. They're

21:00

great great Radio

21:02

bakery in Greenpoint. It's really good. My

21:05

family had a restaurant in Trenton for

21:07

like 30 years. Yeah, really? Yeah, no

21:09

way. What kind of restaurant? What

21:11

kind of restaurant Oh, it's a yeah.

21:14

Yeah Yeah,

21:18

oh that's great sushi bar was The

21:21

name of the restaurant it was called it's

21:24

kind of a dumb name what it's called

21:26

Romeo and Juliet I

21:28

never the kid there was like An

21:30

Italian restaurant Empire family where I was

21:33

from in claymont and the place is

21:35

called mr. Pasta mr.

21:37

Pasta We stop pasta

21:39

mr. Paz. That's pretty good. I speak to

21:41

mr. Paz Please

21:45

please my father No

21:54

There's just a guy with like a big rig of Tony head

21:56

and he goes over to the table and he's like yeah What's

21:58

what's the matter? You didn't like your? Dude, years ago

22:00

I was in some pilot for the

22:02

history channel that went nowhere. They had

22:04

to dress up as a cannoli in

22:06

Little Italy. Okay. So

22:09

what was the pitch, but like what

22:11

history were you teaching people? It was

22:13

a, no, I was just a fucking

22:15

cannoli trying to pull people

22:17

over so that the host of it could

22:19

ask them like questions. And then

22:21

they'd win a cannoli. History channel,

22:23

very loose term for that network.

22:25

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's

22:28

interesting, they never tell her story,

22:30

you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's

22:33

always the fellas version, huh? Well, they're

22:35

coming down with a new channel called

22:37

theystory. Really? I was watching the

22:39

history channel. That's where I draw the line.

22:43

Shout out Ricky Richevé. Shout out Ricky

22:45

Richevé. I was watching

22:47

the Golden Globes monologue

22:50

he did a couple years ago, phenomenal. He took

22:52

the piss out of him. He really took the

22:54

piss out of him. I was watching the

22:56

history channel in a hotel room like a while back and they

22:58

were doing one of those reenactments, you know? And

23:00

it was really intense and there's like a guy, there's like

23:02

two guys in suspenders and one guy's got a shotgun. And

23:05

the guy's like, you better stay out of our territory. And

23:07

he's like, I will not. And then a guy

23:10

gets shot with a shotgun. And I'm like, what

23:12

the heck? What is this about? And then

23:14

the voice of the narrator comes in and it's

23:16

like Harlan Sanders thinks this

23:18

is kind of a risky business venture. Oh

23:21

and in gas stations he looks for another

23:23

model. It was the history of Colonel Sanders.

23:26

But there was a guy getting shot with

23:28

a shotgun. They did a reenactment of the

23:30

thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy

23:32

was going to blast it with a shotgun.

23:35

In the Colonel Sanders story. They needed

23:37

to do the reenactment to tell the

23:39

story of the chicken. They were

23:41

like, we're ready to spice this up. Over

23:44

my dead body I say, I say, I

23:46

say. That's pretty good. Dude,

23:49

I watched a reenactment of Lorena Bobbitt. Cutting

23:52

the penis? Yeah, yeah. And

23:55

I was watching it with my mom. It

23:57

was like one of those like half

23:59

hour. like reenactment shows it tells

24:01

like a story you know and actually the

24:03

documentary on her is so interesting because that

24:05

dude was like abusing her left and right

24:07

and one night she just lost it and

24:10

chopped his fucking dick off but anyway right

24:12

and then he tried to be like the

24:14

victim and then yeah he never believed him

24:16

because she was like a poor I remember

24:18

when I was a patriarchy she could speak

24:20

English is that true? she was like I

24:22

can't tell mother to speak she was like

24:24

eh yeah eh eh I'm

24:27

on that star she's

24:29

holding a bloody knife wait

24:31

wait then he did porn and I remember when I

24:33

was a kid I was like didn't he lose his

24:36

dick like I didn't realize that you could just reattach

24:38

yeah you're like he must have a lot of dick

24:40

to get it close like he really had the biggest

24:42

dick of all time he kind of has a tiny

24:44

dick oh yeah yeah but I think he did a

24:46

porn but dude they the reenactment is a cop looking

24:48

around and he goes yep that's

24:51

the penis hahahahah some

24:53

guy that had to go to

24:55

campus he looked like third-round auditioned

24:57

yeah he had to tell his

24:59

family he's the room full of guys

25:01

that look like him I booked a job guys good

25:04

luck auditioning everybody he's really competitive because

25:07

you all can just leave hahahaha no

25:10

he went to Juilliard and just like fallen on a hard time you

25:12

hear the door make a guy be like hahahahah

25:16

you're like this guy you're

25:18

like this guy hahahahah

25:22

dude years ago I had a job being a

25:24

reader for casting so when people

25:26

do auditions I do the other character and

25:28

then you got the job because you read

25:30

so good no oh nevermind I

25:33

thought it was going to be an inspirational story there's

25:35

this woman that was like if you don't know how

25:37

to read you know

25:39

how to get your requirement at this

25:41

job you know how actors are

25:43

like so desperate it was like for a deodorant

25:45

commercial they're so desperate dude any time I've ever

25:47

been in for an audition it's like 12 other

25:50

me's and they're like yeah I'd really like to

25:52

network with the other people before we get in

25:54

like really excited about this opportunity I'm just like sitting

25:57

there and like ugh I auditioned

25:59

for it Yeah, yeah, like like

26:01

I auditioned for I

26:03

actually trainwreck one time And I

26:05

heard the guy on the other side of the door and

26:08

he was just like talking in a way that

26:10

like nobody talks You know, it's

26:12

like yes. My name is Dominic

26:16

Like this guy probably went to like college

26:19

for acting. He's probably got a BFA Yeah

26:22

Wait, what happened views reading it? It

26:24

was for like deodorant and this woman

26:27

just you know It's like well

26:29

make the character yours or make choices. They don't

26:31

know what you want. They want to you show

26:33

them and She was like

26:36

I love this deodorant so much. I'm

26:38

gonna do this deodorant dance deodorant dance

26:53

I took an acting class years ago and like they were

26:55

it was like an audition class It's like everybody go up

26:57

around the room and say who you are and what

27:00

your background is So I'm like, yeah, Mike I'm

27:02

a comedian my manager said I should take an

27:04

acting class There's this like 40 year old guy

27:06

there. He's probably like 45 years old. He's like,

27:08

you know, my name's Ted I've I've

27:10

been an actor for 22 years

27:13

and I've never booked anything He's

27:16

like and I just can't figure out what

27:18

it is like a what are you family?

27:22

And then you went to the auditions class he

27:24

thought maybe it was the auditions Yeah, maybe he

27:26

was like auditioning. Did he do it for the

27:29

class? And he was almost all the way he

27:31

acted like he would like He

27:33

would like take his glasses off. He was doing a scene.

27:35

He's like I want to ask He's

27:46

like I need to ask

27:48

you Back

27:51

off taking them off again Holy

27:54

shit, no way Yeah,

27:58

yeah, yeah, yeah It's

28:00

like how is there like a God that created

28:02

this man and put him on earth

28:05

for this? He's like I thought

28:07

everybody has a purpose in life That

28:09

there's no way that's for a guy

28:11

purpose that poor guy He

28:14

thinks it is perfect every time for the universe

28:19

One years he was like a decent-looking, you

28:21

know older guy, but it's like going to mike's

28:24

probably right That's like he's been going to

28:26

mike's for 20 years, but there's a

28:28

TV audition I think that like bad. There's so

28:30

much kind of fizzle out Maybe

28:32

I don't know keep going I

28:36

thought that kovat was gonna wipe out like

28:38

I thought there was gonna be like a

28:40

purge with an ID flux There's a massive.

28:42

Yeah, there were people there people who started

28:44

comedy during kovat and they would do open

28:46

mike's in the in the park Yeah

28:54

That is the way stand up really people

28:56

did open mike's in the park You

29:12

gotta do that before before a punchline in

29:14

your act Can you try try one out

29:16

try like try like what happens right

29:18

before punchline and then just do the person there's

29:21

another guy Took another acting class No,

29:23

I think was the same one and this guy was

29:25

like everyone's like talk about what you're like aspirations are

29:27

and he's like Yeah, you know I like comedy but

29:29

I want to be more kind of like the leading

29:31

man like Jim Halper like the guy who's who Looks

29:34

at the camera and is like get a load of

29:36

these guys and he's like one of the ugliest Yeah,

29:40

he wanted to be like the But

29:42

he was like one of the ugliest people I've ever

29:47

I Don't know you

29:50

got to like know what your what your strengths

29:52

are I think eventually hopefully You

29:54

learn what you can and can't do You

29:58

want to look at the camera yeah, hey pal take

30:00

it easy you might break it yeah

30:05

yeah so

30:08

she turns to me and she's like that's

30:10

not my pussy yeah

30:21

yeah good

30:24

he said that's the woman it's man baby

30:26

baby so that I looked at her and

30:28

I said

30:30

hey do I make you all the

30:32

baby you have

30:34

fight with that shit huh awesome

30:36

powers awesome powers the best do

30:39

you remember like you people became like an awesome powers

30:41

kid or like I there was this kid Nick I

30:43

remember he was a ace Ventura

30:46

kid and when the right after the movie came out we're

30:48

like wow you're doing it so good you're

30:50

doing all right again so good long term and then and then like

30:55

three years later we went to the same middle school and he

30:57

was like still doing all righty

30:59

then would you remember yeah let's not get mad

31:01

at those people I

31:04

think that he was really covering up some

31:06

sort of trauma that happened around like

31:16

him too he was he would do this just

31:18

had more the essence but then there were

31:21

they they were yeah baby yeah kids I remember I was

31:23

a fat kid I was the fact

31:27

is anyway anyway in middle school

31:30

didn't know you're so good all right that was

31:38

mean yeah I think it's today my

31:40

mom I think my mom decided to

31:43

go I will you're a

31:45

homosexual drug at it my

31:49

mom was like oh we went

31:51

shopping when they were

31:57

like JC payes she was like oh I really

31:59

like a whole Hawaiian shirt. Like Hawaiian shirts look

32:01

really good. I think she tried to make me

32:03

like be a Hawaiian shirt guy for

32:06

a hot second And

32:09

they did kind of look good on me, but

32:11

they're really nice on the fact that I'm a

32:13

husky section. Yeah Yeah

32:18

She had an asshole and a

32:20

penis All

32:23

right, why don't we just stick to the script Ted? Okay,

32:31

do what's written on the page,

32:33

huh? I love

32:35

it you see them, bro Like,

32:38

you know, you're making choices You keep doing

32:40

the glasses they preach like he keeps putting

32:42

them back on and say That's

32:46

probably still acting yeah, look at my foot

32:48

look up his IMD. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's

32:50

really sad That

32:52

guy's a bummer. Yeah He's

32:55

probably dead. He's probably dead. Hopefully

33:00

I Took

33:03

a script or sketch writing

33:05

class once Oh, dude, well, I was

33:07

like running ever since studied screenwriting Then

33:09

we're gonna the one with the cell

33:11

phone. What do you mean? I

33:14

your brother was it's one that would turn his cell

33:16

phone off Yeah,

33:21

I took a sketch right class and there was like These

33:23

the sketches were insane. I

33:26

mean like people's concept of comedy is just like

33:28

oh, yeah Yeah, no one knows like it was

33:30

like a sketch 101 or something. Yeah, I like

33:32

UCB or something Oh, do you know what?

33:34

I miss only or need a fun to just

33:37

like I there was one girl whose sketches

33:39

I would say Because I was just like this

33:42

is not a locker. Yeah, the artists just

33:44

bizarre But I don't

33:46

I think you should leave is kind of

33:48

bizarre. It's not bizarre like funny. Yeah, it's

33:51

not funny at all No, it's like yeah.

33:53

Yeah, I went to it scary But but

33:55

then there was this guy who came in

33:57

he was like this Really

34:00

tall like black guy like it looks like

34:02

Luther Vandross a little bit. Yeah, I love

34:04

loose and he looks like come

34:06

on Did

34:09

you for this no, I didn't I

34:11

didn't did you know I did not you've been You're

34:14

I would tell you if I did you didn't

34:16

tell me yesterday. He said he has lentil soup

34:18

for dinner tonight I'm having lunch.

34:20

I was done tomorrow. Okay. Anyway, so yeah,

34:23

he cut you know that often. Yeah, I'm

34:25

fucking you I You

34:29

fucking dirty Jew I told you that I

34:31

told you that in confidence. I'm having lentil soup

34:33

for dinner How

34:36

dare you I don't want to run such a

34:38

breach of trust dirty

34:42

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I thought

34:44

I'm sorry. I like I was

34:46

talking about my dinner I

34:49

was talking about what he was having for dinner tonight with

34:51

his family. I said lentil soup. It

34:53

sounds good You

34:55

just did it again. There's nothing to be

34:57

ashamed of there's nothing But you know, it's

34:59

just a lack of respect for a guy comes

35:01

in the sketch This the sketch writing class one

35:04

day you look like Luther Vandross and

35:06

he had this uh, he was like this Yeah,

35:08

middle-aged black guy of huge and he

35:10

has a suitcase with him. I was like, oh you coming

35:12

from you know The airport or something. He's like, you

35:15

know, like turns to me. He's like, yeah, I had to

35:17

take a 10 today to overtime I Was

35:22

so weird You

35:26

think comedians what does that mean at least

35:28

comedians are like self-aware they can Over

35:37

Yeah, I got it in at the buzzer That's

35:40

crazy I like flew to

35:42

like fucking Raleigh Durham, North Carolina or

35:44

something for like to get

35:46

to make cuz you didn't get pussy at the

35:50

regular way, yeah Bizarre

35:53

I stand by I took a

35:55

improv class when I was like 18 and

35:58

there was some kind of class named

36:00

Martin and one of the class but it was

36:02

like Monday and he came in he

36:04

was like whoosie and she passed

36:06

out and when he came to we were like

36:09

what's wrong we need to call an ambulance he's

36:11

like I got

36:13

kicked into

36:30

New York before what if I did like

36:32

a like a comedy was like a summer

36:37

comedy workshop for kids yeah I mean

36:39

I could do that like yeah yeah

36:43

oh give them a year to pay for anything

36:45

they for anything I saw I saw a class

36:47

I was uh I had to

36:49

go pick something up from a store once was

36:51

some my girlfriend just sends

36:53

me random places like there's a thing at a store

36:55

that's waiting for me you have to pick it up

36:57

and I was like in Dumbo and lost and

37:00

then I saw this summer tea are like not

37:02

even teen it was like 11 year old rich

37:05

white kids doing a graffiti camp no

37:07

yeah and they had like a cool

37:09

black guy and he was like he's

37:11

there I kids like you all gotta

37:13

like work out what your tag is

37:16

and it's

37:20

like yeah one of the five pillars to hip-hop

37:22

is graffiti and like I think it might have

37:24

been hip-hop camp and they were like good like

37:28

fucking bad what fucking loser parents like working

37:30

on their tag they had like big big

37:32

piece of paper and they're working on

37:34

their tags you know what it keeps kids

37:37

out of trouble cool out of trouble I

37:39

mean those kids aren't getting into trouble they're

37:41

just like just being rich

37:43

at their house well then they bring that

37:46

program to the they're just making they just

37:48

make yeah I mean whatever I

37:50

was in the like a theater workshop when I

37:52

was in like middle school and

37:55

we were like doing improv and stuff and you

37:57

know it's like I'm 12 years

37:59

old I decide I love comedy, I

38:01

want to do, I saw a Mel Brooks movie the

38:03

year before, I'm like all in on comedy, and I'm

38:05

trying to find my voice and figure out what's funny

38:08

and also absorb kind of from the world around me.

38:10

So I'm telling my uncle about the- At 12? You

38:13

were that self-aware? That's great. Yeah, when I was 11,

38:15

I was like, I want to do comedy. Oh, that's

38:17

so cool. I saw History of the World, part one.

38:19

I thought that movie was so funny. It's so funny,

38:21

and I just rewatched it. My introduction to the movie

38:23

is really funny. Robin who's been in tight. Yeah, that

38:25

was mine too. That was mine too, but for some

38:27

reason, History of the World is the one that kind

38:29

of did it for me. I love- that was

38:31

my favorite one. So I was

38:33

telling my uncle about what we did in theater

38:35

camp, and I was like, yeah, we were doing

38:37

improv, and I pretended to be Louis Farrakhan. What

38:39

the fuck? What

38:42

the fuck? Yeah. And he was like, what do

38:45

they do? He was like, what the fuck? Why

38:49

would you be Louis Farrakhan? I

38:53

don't know. I'm just seeing what

38:55

works. What do you know about Louis Farrakhan as

38:57

well? It's from like family guy, and from like

38:59

sketch comedy, like watching SNL and shit like that.

39:02

Dude, I went to the bank, and I had

39:04

to talk to one of the branch people in

39:07

the back or whatever, and

39:09

the guy's young and

39:11

everything. He's got a paper there, and I love

39:13

reading the paper. And I go, oh,

39:16

I got one paper. He goes, oh, I don't

39:18

know. I just one of those local papers. You

39:20

wanted a guy came in and said, you

39:22

kids need more knowledge, and

39:24

you're not smart. You need to read over the

39:26

history. And I was like, interesting. And he gave

39:28

it to me, and it was like, oh, Louis

39:31

Farrakhan. There was paper. There

39:33

was like the indomitable truth

39:35

about the real Jewish Israel.

39:39

Him on Donahue is like really funny.

39:42

There's YouTube clips. He's awesome. Him on

39:44

Donahue. And there's people. It's

39:46

like things don't really change. It's

39:49

like you see a guy that looks like Ian, and be like,

39:51

why can't we all just come together, man? And

39:53

just be friends. I

39:56

just found out. I don't see color, man. That's

39:59

Ian. I'm gonna bump the subway!

40:03

That guy died and then he came back as

40:05

Ian. That guy's spirit.

40:07

Hello! My formal brother's

40:09

a sister's man! I

40:12

did not say that it was the Jews

40:14

specifically that caused the problem. What I said

40:17

was... And then like some black lady

40:19

stands up and she's like, You know people don't understand like

40:21

when Dr. Farrakhan talks about Jews this and that,

40:23

I mean, that's just how people talk! Hahahaha!

40:28

It's really great, you gotta watch it! People do

40:30

me talking like that about the Jews! I'll

40:33

take the glasses off and get the glasses off! The

40:35

Jews! Yeah,

40:37

I was actually cleaning out my office and

40:40

for some reason I also, this reminds me,

40:42

saved a story that this kid in

40:45

my creative writing class in like college

40:47

wrote. And it was so crazy, it was called

40:49

the... And

40:51

I read back through it and it

40:54

was just as crazy as I knew

40:56

there was a reason why I had to save it!

40:58

It was called the price of fabulousness. There was like

41:00

this gay guy who was like rich! And

41:03

he was like silent, he never spoke in our class.

41:06

And he was just like,

41:08

yeah, his personality you can just tell

41:10

is rich. You know? And

41:13

then he wrote this story

41:16

and it blew my mind. It was like, you

41:18

know, he gets off the plane. It's

41:21

beautiful because anybody can make art. It's

41:23

true. This is like, I think... I'm

41:26

the fucking loser being like, we're all brothers. Anyone

41:30

can make art! But

41:33

he's like, yeah, you know, like

41:35

Damien got off his private plane

41:37

and was picked up in his

41:40

white Mercedes Benz taxi car. You know,

41:42

it's just like, when you're trying

41:44

to do creative writing, you put in as

41:46

many adjectives as possible. You

41:49

think that that's good writing? He

41:51

got off his silver jet and got in his white

41:53

Mercedes Benz, you know? And

41:56

then like, he went to lunch with

41:58

John. He's like, every guy... wanted

42:00

him every guy wanted to be here you know

42:02

like and they're like

42:04

talking about like just like these

42:06

vapid boring like conversation between two

42:09

rich guys and you're like what

42:11

is them what the fuck is

42:13

the point of this I guess

42:15

that first you're reading it you're

42:18

like in the middle of it in the middle

42:20

of it it's like

42:23

just so vapid and boring and stupid and like

42:25

you're like making fun of the guy who wrote

42:27

this in your head the middle of it he's

42:30

like his cell phone rings he's

42:32

like it's doctors dr. Smith

42:35

said is this is this Damien it's like

42:37

yes he's like Damien I have something to

42:39

tell you you have a it's so

42:41

funny yeah you

42:45

have AIDS right that's not exactly where

42:47

it's you think it's gonna go that's

42:50

like you read that you're like come

42:52

on yeah all right and so then

42:54

the fabric of the universe

42:56

is a fabulous guy but he got AIDS

42:58

he's a enter and the price of being

43:01

fabulous is getting aids what

43:03

are you doing on your phone I found the

43:05

sketch that I wrote in a sketch writing class

43:07

I took like 10 years ago okay yeah can

43:09

I say real quick there was a guy on

43:12

the subway one time handing out like little packets

43:14

of his like short story that he wrote and

43:17

he was like handed out and I was like

43:19

yeah let me take I started reading it and

43:21

it was a story about like this drug dealer

43:23

in Harlem and the guy's name was crack roam

43:27

like that's the guy's name and then there's there's a part

43:29

where he goes like he got home

43:31

to his girlfriend's apartment and opened the door

43:33

what's for dinner he asked with hunger I

43:43

was like I see what he's trying to

43:45

do yeah I'm going for it you're

43:49

the guy at a gay bar and

43:51

I lied to get were you doing it Yeah,

43:53

well you doing it. We got a trick. You

43:56

got a trick. What

44:00

I would you like a secretly get on

44:02

a gay bar for the except for wife

44:04

and child that I used to go to

44:06

cabin as could speak of to the game

44:09

or called the god of this yes and

44:11

died I met this guy and I lied

44:13

to him until the most a writer saturday

44:15

night live so I could get freaked out

44:17

and we were back to his place and

44:19

he was like a new get my scripts

44:22

to correctness of you but it's liquid scored

44:24

lower east side ball a little said it

44:26

was a physical about make a big city

44:28

as the I Dare How moon. Brawl

44:30

I've tried. it's a my email somewhere know

44:32

how to type them like the key were

44:35

and I keep. I want to find it

44:37

and we have to find it set the

44:39

next time we come on ya of I

44:41

will find it every time. I heard influx

44:44

of things are tough things are rough when

44:46

you're in New York City. A better fit

44:48

for a be. A

44:50

benefit out. Of step

44:53

with him. sorry be a writer cause like

44:55

you know them as I am and notice

44:57

I stole money and she's written this week's

44:59

episode. Foods I

45:01

thought it was mine. I won't deny.

45:06

Er withstand of you can like go to make

45:08

and you know try out some material and see

45:10

how it works with when you're a writer you

45:13

just what you're getting married again and you'd have

45:15

to do like a table reading, get people to

45:17

invest their time and like oh shit that doesn't

45:19

work and doesn't work here yet and also like

45:21

stand up his greatest in cincy back to like

45:24

okay the said the other with the writings of

45:26

used to live in this delusion that my unit

45:28

as you can see writer or the career. Would

45:30

stand them over a long period of time. But yeah,

45:33

Yeah. The. Men Like: if you're

45:35

like a comedy writers freshly like. You.

45:37

Get hired on a show gets cancelled the

45:39

you know where for another four years. Yeah,

45:41

you know, You. Hedges

45:44

like Go Do like

45:46

Micronesia Piano realism. Yet

45:49

will do with Writers' Strike. So many comments that were like

45:51

l not to in a park as a real like a

45:53

road ptolemaic. I'll just. get

45:55

a job writing for one at sam's his

45:58

sense of of snow and my when I'll

46:00

stop there like Do

46:04

this anymore, she's so me Right

46:16

I was on a show And

46:18

my role was I had to give a black

46:20

woman a pedicure while she held an AK-47 to

46:22

my head It's

46:26

fun. That's funny. Did you do

46:28

a good job? She's very funny. I nailed it Yeah, I

46:30

like Sam Jang because she lets you

46:33

have opinions that aren't just like ball

46:35

washy. Yeah, you know Yeah, the letter

46:37

ball washy Didn't

46:40

she say something? What about why she's like man,

46:43

I'm sick of hearing about these hearing from these

46:45

fucking parkland kids When

46:48

the stop Asian hate thing started? Oh, yeah, we

46:50

were still at the cellar doing comedy in a

46:52

fucking box during the band Yeah, yeah Asian

46:57

hate bullshit Don't

47:02

y'all know Karate Karate

47:05

chop a man to try to push you in

47:07

the so thought to me when you were pressed

47:12

Go there don't they know

47:14

karate I'm

47:18

sick of stop Asian hate She

47:24

went up in the show why was she sick of it

47:26

she she's like, yeah, I don't know cuz it's like too much

47:29

I forget what it was. I

47:31

don't want to misrepresent her. Yeah, cuz they

47:34

were a bit uppity. They're being uppity. Yeah

47:40

In Adams friends interpretation of that

47:42

NAACP I'm

47:46

all of the both That

47:49

is so funny the funniest like that that's

47:51

really funny the second funniest thing else ever

47:53

And I probably said on the show before

47:55

was uh, I'm a cousin who's

47:58

like, I guess special needs or something and

48:00

he like texts me constantly. I saw

48:02

him at my grandma's funeral, and he's

48:04

like, hey Adam, do you have text messaging? He's

48:06

like the kind that's like, no, but he's not

48:08

like, he's just like a little weird.

48:11

He's like kind of a weird guy. He's not

48:13

like, like, you know, he can,

48:15

he has like a job and stuff, you know,

48:17

but he's just like a little bit, there's a

48:19

little something special, you know? And then

48:21

he's, so I'd give him, I gave him my

48:24

number and he texts me every holiday. So I

48:26

was like, what, hey Adam, what's going on for

48:28

Abade? Like what's going on Memorial Bay? What's

48:30

going on? Every Jewish holiday.

48:32

Adam, it's the last day, are you excited? Every Jewish

48:34

holiday, and then one year I was at my office,

48:37

one of the desk job, and I got a text

48:39

that said, hey Adam, what are you doing for 9-11?

48:46

I have heard this story like six times. Yeah,

48:48

yeah, yeah. But yeah, he's heard it by the

48:50

way. I like it, I like it. Yeah, yeah,

48:52

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's ridiculous, yeah. You

48:54

should have him on the show. I'm an avid Comtown listener.

48:57

Yeah, yeah, I said on Comtown. All

49:00

the audiences are, you know, we got a

49:02

lot of new fans. You should have, you

49:04

should have. The last, Nick was here, oh.

49:08

Oh, stop. We're just about to spill the tea,

49:10

dude. We're at 50 minutes, but I have to

49:12

get on this call, because we

49:14

started like. You gotta jump on a call. A

49:17

business call? Yeah. About Tuesday?

49:20

Not really, it's about Tuesday. You

49:23

should have your cousin come, I

49:26

can't come for Tuesday. Sure,

49:29

yeah, during the George Floyd riots,

49:32

he's like, I was like, yeah,

49:34

it's crazy. He's like, yeah, the riots were happening

49:36

right outside my house. And I

49:38

was like, oh, were you like looking at the window? You

49:40

can see them? He's like, no, I preferred to watch

49:42

it on television. Yeah. Yeah.

49:44

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

49:47

Yeah. Yeah. Like, he could have looked out

49:50

his window, but instead he had to watch it on TV. Better,

49:53

I prefer on the TV. They

49:56

used to like, he used to ride his bike to

49:58

the Apple store, I told you. this right when

50:01

he was in high school he'd ride his bike to the

50:03

Apple Store and follow around

50:05

customers and be

50:07

like that's not the right technology yeah he

50:10

was volunteering yeah yeah and he'd be like

50:12

you know you'd get it you actually getting

50:14

the wrong technology and they'd be like he'd

50:16

get kicked out every day they'd be like

50:18

you don't work here you're not a genius

50:21

you're definitely not a genius you're most

50:24

certainly not a genius there was an

50:26

autistic guy in New York City who like he became

50:28

obsessed with the subway and he was like

50:30

stole the brain he was the train and there

50:32

was a guy that did it and a doctor

50:34

too oh well yeah that's kind of the doctor

50:36

he was kind of a cool doctor in my

50:39

mind in my mind the doctor kid and the

50:41

subway kid is the same kid because they were

50:43

both little kids right yeah but it's better to

50:45

drive the train and to drive the train that

50:47

guy and that guy was just doing it because

50:49

he had an appreciation and he was like so

50:51

good at it he was

50:53

like yeah he knew exactly what he

50:55

was doing yeah did yeah I got

50:57

a little thing with a conductor today

51:00

I was going and the door was open

51:02

here and there were two doors open here

51:04

and I go and I and I run in

51:06

and she goes the doors

51:08

open here genius and I go so are these

51:10

idiot and I heard you right

51:14

really one yeah nice I had a person

51:16

at their job working for the city she

51:18

yelled at me all right so I'm gonna

51:20

say we'll leave it up that guy thanks

51:22

for joining us today yeah

51:31

yeah go ahead go ahead and use it

51:33

with smokes is my podcast out for smoke

51:35

speeding with Jordan yeah guys we'll be right

51:37

back we'll be right back

51:39

Nick we'll be back next week Nick strong

51:41

is strong everyone All

51:45

right, I language willb