0:01

Good afternoon, good afternoon ladies

0:04

and gentlemen. This is the

0:06

Adam Friedland Show Podcast. Adam

0:08

is out. He is away

0:11

at the, in I

0:13

think either Detroit or Boston. If

0:16

you're in Detroit or Boston, check

0:18

the listings at your local theater

0:20

and see if Adam is there. And

0:23

then also check out Dan Soder's special

0:26

on the road. I invited him to come

0:28

back because he wanted to

0:30

come on last week to promote, but the timing worked

0:32

out. He could only be on the Patreon episode

0:35

at patreon.com/TAFS. If you happen to be coming

0:37

here because you saw Dan Soder's special and

0:39

you're like, wow, I wonder if this guy's

0:42

done anything else. He

0:44

has. The only other thing he's done in

0:46

fact is last week's premium episode of the

0:48

Adam Friedland Show Podcast, which you can go

0:50

to patreon.com. It's $25 a month. Nothing, basically.

0:55

Nothing. That's less

0:57

than car insurance and

0:59

you can get a single episode of a podcast.

1:02

So please check that out. And then

1:04

if it's the reverse, go

1:07

check on the road. Dan Soder's special on YouTube. I think it's

1:09

blowing up. That's what I hear. Is it? I

1:12

don't know. I have to be kept

1:14

off the Internet now. But

1:16

with a handler? Yeah, basically. I'm

1:19

like a it's like the Internet is another cat

1:21

that they've moved into the apartment. And so now

1:23

I have my own room. I got my own

1:25

litter box and I can smell it. I know

1:27

it's out there and it's pissing me off. Yeah.

1:30

But I can't see it and I don't. You

1:32

stay off it. You have somebody who does all of it.

1:34

Yeah. Tyler manages kind of everything for

1:36

me. What happens if you go on there? I deleted

1:38

Twitter. It's just it's like it's such

1:40

a fucking waste of time. It's not even like

1:43

it's it's like I think

1:45

especially as I get older, it's like I

1:47

have every time I see you. You say

1:49

especially as I get older and every time

1:51

I see you, you've moved into a further

1:53

stage of grandpa. The hat you have on

1:55

now, the beard. Well, I am wearing

1:57

these pants. These were just in the office.

2:00

I'm wearing these because I got

2:02

too fat for the pants that are probably

2:04

on the floor. Are you getting

2:06

fat? I'm always kind of... I

2:10

stay within the same 10 pound window, but I

2:13

get fat in a way that my pants just don't

2:15

fit. But it

2:17

takes the weight moves from

2:19

my shoulders to just my zipper area.

2:21

I wasn't talking about the furry pants.

2:23

I was talking about the sun hat

2:26

in a dark, dark room. That's what I was referring to.

2:29

What was raining yesterday and if it was going to

2:31

rain again today. I'm

2:34

trying to get the stopwatch going here

2:36

so we know how long this episode

2:38

goes. Jordan Jensen joining

2:40

us. I guess

2:42

we'll get the regular podcast.

2:45

Any plugs you want to get out of the way? I'm

2:48

going to be in... We'll do them again

2:50

at the end too. Okay, I'm going to

2:53

be in Sacramento coming up. Boston. That's

2:55

a shithole. No. Sacramento?

2:58

Sacramento is. The punchline is... I like it.

3:01

Oh, I've never been to that club. But you know

3:03

those... You've done the Portland

3:06

one. Punchline

3:08

Portland? What's the one you did where

3:10

you got the... Is

3:12

it the helium? The one with the big backdrop

3:14

painted behind you? Where is that? That's helium. That

3:17

is helium? Well, this is a punchline. I've

3:19

done it before. I do remember liking it.

3:23

It's Caitlin Plouffeau shot her special there. Actually

3:25

you guys should all go check that out. It's called Dirty

3:27

Bird. She's very funny. There

3:29

are so many comedy specials now. That's what I mean when I

3:31

got to stay offline. I have a plug. I'm

3:35

about to drop something called The Death Chunk.

3:37

And it's just 15 minutes of material all about

3:40

my dad's death wanting to kill myself. It's just

3:42

death. It's all death. It's not jokes I'm putting

3:44

in the new hour that's coming out next

3:46

year. It's all just stuff that's

3:48

morbid. So if you're into that kind of

3:50

shit, look out for that. Subscribe

3:53

to my YouTube for Death Chunk. Okay,

3:55

awesome. Yeah. There's

3:58

so many. YouTube is all... stand-up

4:00

comedy now. You know it's funny and I'll plug

4:02

this and I'm it's gonna sound like I'm making

4:05

fun of this lady and I am.

4:08

I'm also not like a genuine the only

4:10

goal of the comedian is to be funny.

4:13

Of course. And I will say

4:15

she accomplishes that but there

4:17

when I was an Austin comedian when

4:19

I was 19,

4:25

20, 21, Seth Caulfield put me on there

4:27

but she's a Louisiana Louisiana comic, the occasion

4:29

queen of comedy, Caroline Picard and

4:31

I used to just get high and laugh because

4:33

she started stand-up when she was 40 and

4:36

so her stand-up was all just like

4:38

shitting on young people but

4:41

like there was one video I would watch or

4:43

go to her Facebook page and I'll watch it

4:45

Facebook page. Yeah. That's awesome. At the time. Yeah

4:47

and I would just get high and laugh because

4:50

the premise of the joke was like she was

4:52

also very foul about so it

4:54

was like uh you know she'd be like talk

4:57

about I got an iPhone I'd like

4:59

to see you use rotary dial you

5:01

fucking dumb bitch. Fuck

5:05

you try to use a rotary dial phone

5:07

you fucking piece of shit. Your fingers can't

5:10

even move in a circle no more. You

5:12

probably wouldn't even know what to do you

5:14

fucking moron and it was just like this

5:16

angry rant again. Try using a chisel. Yeah.

5:19

Try using a chisel in a pickaxe. I know.

5:22

Yeah. I just like it came across like nobody

5:24

like there was no art like nobody was condescending

5:26

towards you. You just got angry at the iPhone

5:28

and now you're mad at children. Yeah that's like

5:30

pre-crowd work rage without a crowd work rage. And

5:32

then she's doing well in the video but like

5:34

uh yeah like Cockfield would be like look at

5:37

this lady and he would shit on her and

5:39

then I don't know the other night I was

5:41

like what am I is

5:43

she still alive because like you know she was

5:46

and then she's blowing up dude. No way.

5:48

Yeah because she was like a cruise comedian

5:50

but like you know there used to be

5:52

like you know you there was just that

5:54

ecosystem like comedy is so big now but

5:56

yeah her fucking like she gets a

5:58

lot of engagement on social media. Our carry was

6:01

a cruise ship comedian. Oh, now he's the biggest

6:03

comic in the world. But I was watching it

6:05

and I like legitimately I mean, it is funny.

6:07

It's like it's a she's a 75 year old

6:10

woman. That's like, I mean,

6:12

she's talking about white or black. I

6:15

don't know. Oh, Asian. So

6:17

worse. Both. Yeah. Whatever.

6:20

Like just like whatever that there's like, I don't

6:23

know. I'm not going

6:25

to say white and then black, but pick

6:27

one. Like more like worse. That's worse. One

6:30

and two. I'm not. I got

6:32

no input on what's but three is Cajun. Three is Cajun. You

6:34

have to rank the races. Yeah. Okay. The

6:37

third one. And but yeah, I

6:39

mean, it's like a 73 year old woman. It's

6:41

like, I'm fucking I'm the guy I spray WD

6:44

40 in my pussy these days. You know, yeah,

6:46

I like that. Yeah, I'm

6:48

close to that. Yeah. But

6:50

I don't know. I mean, yeah, it always made me chuckle. But

6:53

I was looking for that rotary dial phone

6:56

bit because it's like that is such anaconda

6:58

technology even like fucking 10 years ago or

7:00

whenever I'd watch that video. Like who

7:02

are these audience members that are like, yeah,

7:04

yeah. Thomas Edison's

7:07

telephone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

7:10

I like when people get back Nathan McIntosh gets

7:12

flips out at the audience for the existence of

7:14

AI. And I like

7:16

watching that because nobody's fighting him on it at all.

7:19

But he is losing his mind. It's the best. He's

7:22

super funny. Oh, he is funny. Yeah. I

7:24

love meltdowns. I love a good job. I

7:26

love that kind of meltdown. Yeah. Like

7:28

it's always you see you would go into Caroline's

7:31

and you would like here like that's

7:33

what that's the world we're living in. That's

7:35

what it is. OK. Followed

7:37

by me. No problem. And then you

7:39

go in the showroom and there's no one in the audience. These

7:42

are just like it's just Wednesday.

7:45

It's just one child. Yeah. Getting

7:48

hit with the wind. Yeah. Just

7:50

some fucking just some kid

7:52

with a learning disability waiting for the

7:54

YouTuber. Just headlining that night. I'm

7:58

here. I'm here to see. beat Mike.

8:01

Have you ever opened for a YouTuber? I

8:03

am a YouTuber. You're not! Well

8:05

no, that's what I say. It's like crazy. I go

8:07

do stand up now and I remember, I tell these

8:09

young guys when I'm giving unsolicited advice in

8:11

the green room, I've turned into like a freak. I

8:13

can't imagine what it's like to be with me in

8:16

a green room. If you're like a 23

8:18

year old comic and then this

8:20

like weird rat man comes in and

8:23

you're like, yeah, he

8:25

has a podcast called Come Shit or

8:27

something. And then I go bomb. You

8:29

do well and then I bomb after

8:32

you. And then I'm

8:34

like, you're a good place to

8:36

get rice around here. Whatever and

8:40

say I'm high on Kratum, you just have to

8:42

deal with that. And then you go to the

8:44

bar where like the local comic thing I'm with,

8:47

they're like how's that? And you're like, I don't

8:49

know, it's bad. I don't know, he kept demanding

8:51

bomb boots. I feel like I should be able

8:53

to me to him for what's happening. Translate.

8:56

I can't be like, yeah, he was

8:58

just, he kept retying his shoes. Is

9:01

that sexual assault? I don't

9:03

know what it just feels bad at being

9:05

around them. But anyway, you

9:08

know, I feel like that. It's like when I was, I

9:10

remember being a young comic and there would be, you know,

9:12

and they'd be like nice guys, but you'd be working with

9:14

headliners who were just like LA guys that got on it.

9:17

They were actors

9:19

mostly and they got on a sitcom or something,

9:21

you know, and they've been, and then they're like,

9:23

okay, I want a headline also. And because they

9:25

were on a sitcom, they go headline and they

9:27

wouldn't have an act. I mean, it would just

9:30

be dog shit. And then you'd like thumb your

9:32

nose at it. You're like, yeah, fucking bits and

9:34

doing sets and grinding and being a comedian. And

9:37

then, um, do you have meltdowns after

9:39

you bomb or do you just walk

9:45

off? No, well, I do the, I'll go,

9:47

I just go, no matter what happens, I'll

9:49

go outside. I'll be like, yeah, if you

9:51

want to come say hi. And there's always

9:53

like, there's, I'll probably dry up eventually, but

9:55

there's always like, you know, guys that like

9:57

the podcast that have been waiting for years

9:59

to just. repeat things from the podcast

10:01

to me. Yeah. And then I'll just

10:03

be like, hey, how's it going? What

10:05

do they look like? I get some, I get

10:08

Mullen fans. Yeah, cross. You can tell.

10:10

Mullen fans are like small, small

10:13

Jewish, Jewish, smart. But

10:15

then they have like a little sinister thing. B

10:17

and Ian people are like gored coming out.

10:19

And they're like, you made me feel like

10:21

someone person. And I'm like, I don't think

10:23

you should feel that way. Yeah. Well, to

10:25

answer your question, no matter what, I mean, I

10:27

really, I could just go

10:29

do the just say hi to people. Because there's no

10:31

pressure. It's like the easiest thing in the

10:33

world. And then people come up to me, they're like, I bet you

10:36

hate this. I'm like, no, this is the best part. Well, you

10:38

were the one who changed me because I never did meet

10:40

and greet. And you, who you

10:42

could hit with a brick in the face, and you'd be

10:44

like, fine. You

10:46

were like, I do meet and greet. And I was like, no

10:48

way that you of all people do them. So then I started

10:51

doing them. And it is the best part. It rules. It's like,

10:53

is the reason to do it. It's like the

10:55

easiest thing in the world. That's

10:57

what I would do. It's like saying hi

10:59

to people at a wedding. It's great. Yeah,

11:02

it's great. It's not like saying hi to people. It's like

11:04

when the wedding leaves at the end, it's like good game,

11:07

good game, good game, good game. It's like that.

11:09

It's quick and dirty. Well, I don't know. Yeah,

11:11

I don't know. That's that's you have a person that keeps

11:13

them going. No, I don't do that. Sometimes the club will

11:15

do that. You need to keep them going. Don't you have

11:17

people walk up to you and they go like this? This

11:20

is my least favorite. Dude, this just happened. I

11:22

was in Columbus and and I hadn't been on

11:24

the road in a while. So I was like

11:26

talking to people after the show and the like

11:28

the the last show. Now I'm imagining you at

11:30

a wedding with just the rice being thrown. The

11:33

last show like I went on like

11:35

there was one night where like it like

11:38

because I didn't pay attention to time, but I

11:40

was talking like like the line took an hour

11:42

and 45 minutes after the show. Yeah. So I

11:44

get through every day. Yeah, you texted me about

11:46

that. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't think about it. And

11:48

then I'm like Jesus Christ. And then I guess

11:50

because it's annoying for the waitstaff. The waitstaff doesn't

11:52

want to have to fucking wait around for that.

11:54

And like I think other times they can cut

11:56

you loose. But I don't

11:59

even know. Anyways, you know you pull part

12:01

of your pay for the weight stuff so you do

12:03

it and then it's You

12:06

do that right you do that. Yeah, I don't want to

12:08

get it I don't want to be like and then I

12:10

pay the max amount yeah, but the fucking so like there's

12:12

a total of like there's a per Fucking

12:15

weight, you know, they pull X

12:17

for each, you know Like

12:20

wait every every weight staff that work

12:22

this weekend pull X amount of money

12:24

for each one Yeah, the manager misunderstood

12:26

me and thought the per

12:29

waiter Amount was the

12:31

the total amount to do like five dollars.

12:34

So everyone got a tip of like a

12:36

dollar From me

12:38

and then he went around I'm

12:40

assuming that yeah, he went around and he's like,

12:42

hey, this is from I mean, it's like Pause

12:44

number and then afterwards it's like I like like

12:47

it looked like one of them was like just

12:49

shooting daggers at me I'm like what did like

12:51

what I guess it's cuz I thought the line

12:53

like took too long and then

12:55

I realized afterwards when I got the settlement

12:57

I'm like, oh Just like

12:59

a quarter was yeah, sure. But yeah

13:02

a little topic in my name. Yeah,

13:04

right. Yeah, that's I have I

13:06

have people come up and they go like this They think

13:08

they're being cool cuz they're like I don't want a photo

13:10

Yeah, and then they just stand and they're like just

13:13

stand there in front of you and you're like, this is way

13:15

worse We need something to do here and they're like,

13:17

I just wanted to I just want to say hi I'm

13:19

like, I don't I can't and then

13:21

they just Stare for a

13:23

while and you have no way of getting out of it because you

13:25

can't be like Most people

13:27

are normal. Okay, I mean, you know, you don't

13:30

I mean people are Our

13:32

they are bottom. They are basement dwellers. They do not

13:34

come above ground except for to go to a pot

13:37

Sometimes people are like very drunk

13:41

and then yeah, you're a lot of sympathy for that cuz

13:43

I've been drunk you know, so like I get it but

13:45

it is like Yeah, you

13:47

know, I'm I am grateful every time there's

13:49

a come town fan in the B&E and

13:52

fan anytime Talking to somebody really drunk. I'm

13:54

always thinking about like, how can

13:56

I talk to you tomorrow morning? You

13:58

know, yeah thinking about like you're gonna wake up and

14:00

you're gonna be humiliated. I do that too. What can

14:03

I say now so that tomorrow you're like oh it

14:05

wasn't that bad. Especially with women. Women

14:07

come up and they're like, he's crying, I have

14:09

a Down syndrome baby and it's totally fine, and

14:11

I just want you to know I love

14:13

him, I wish I didn't have him. And you're like don't do

14:16

this. Don't say that did happen. How

14:21

is the podcast? Are

14:24

you discussing things? I'm

14:26

not. Okay, all right. It's going

14:28

great. I don't know a way to... I

14:31

don't know how to do any of that,

14:33

but we'll see what happens. I mean people

14:35

are gonna know. People

14:38

are gonna know. Ian was

14:40

sold to HBO. To HBO for huge.

14:42

For $10 million. Yeah. And

14:44

I didn't want to sell out to a big corporation,

14:46

so I was like I'm gonna... Unfortunately

14:49

Ian's already spent all of the money

14:51

on gay sex. Yeah,

14:53

it's gone. So I think

14:56

I can't make the show. Well here's

14:58

the thing. I'm still deciding whether or

15:00

not... I'll decide later if we cut

15:02

this. Pete. I understand. It's so

15:05

funny because it's like podcasting is

15:08

ruined everything. It's

15:11

humiliating. It's

15:14

exciting when the money's going up. And

15:16

then whoops, you're middle

15:19

age. Yeah. And now you're dressed

15:21

like a Lego man. Yeah.

15:24

And you're an idiot.

15:27

You're a public fucking idiot that says

15:29

the wrong thing over and over again.

15:32

I don't think it's the wrong thing. I

15:34

think it's all of a sudden you... The dwindling income.

15:36

And there's no... You have to just repeat

15:38

the same life every week, especially on the road.

15:40

That's the problem. I feel like I...

15:42

Maybe I'm projecting because I don't

15:44

watch any other podcast, but

15:47

it's like... I

15:49

would assume a lot of people complain about it.

15:51

And then when they end, it's like people are

15:54

like, what's the behind the scenes drama? It's like,

15:56

well, everyone's been telling

15:58

you for years how much they don't. want to

16:00

do it anymore. They finally stop doing the

16:02

thing that they don't want to do. It

16:04

just seems pretty straightforward. So I

16:06

don't understand the necessity of formalizing.

16:11

Also there can always be drama, but the whole

16:13

reason people leave a... Maybe if you fuck somebody's

16:15

wife or something, but the reason why people leave

16:18

is just because they're ready to leave.

16:20

The drama is always ongoing and being

16:22

squashed. It's crazy to be like, I'm

16:24

leaving because of this one. It's

16:27

because the idea of returning to that studio

16:29

one more time makes me want to take a

16:32

sewing needle right to my dog.

16:34

And you get tired of anything.

16:37

I get tired of everything. I

16:39

need to switch apartments. I just am like that.

16:41

And I get really

16:45

attached to one thing. I'll wear a sweater, like

16:47

this sweater, and I just will be like, I

16:50

like this. And then I buy 16 of

16:52

them in every color. And then I wear

16:54

that for a year. I finally

16:57

resisted the urge to do

16:59

matching. Sometimes I'll be like, I got to buy a shirt. I'm

17:02

like, should I buy the same pair, the accompanying

17:04

pair of pants? I only go to Dick's Boarding

17:07

Goods. Oh, gotcha. Yeah.

17:09

And it was big for me to buy green

17:11

pants and a white shirt. And I

17:13

did that like two weekends ago. Instead

17:15

of a white shirt and white pants or

17:17

green top, green bottom, I don't

17:20

know how your brain works. I never walk

17:23

into a store and see two matching things.

17:25

I resisted the urge to do that. Wait,

17:28

where are you getting matching pants? Dick's

17:30

Boarding Goods. Like sweatpants? Like

17:32

literally, I mean, you know, I have the top

17:34

of this tracksuit in the back.

17:37

But yes, matching hoodie

17:39

and sweatpants. You

17:41

wear that on stage? I did. But

17:44

I did white top, green bottom. And I'm like, good for

17:46

me. And then somebody told me I look like Peter Griffin.

17:50

And then I was like, all right, well, maybe I should

17:52

have matched then. I

17:54

didn't know you were full matching sweats. I

17:56

would prefer to. Yeah. They're

17:59

the same. because what goes with green, well probably

18:01

green, it's just not green. Probably the same green

18:03

made from the same factory out of the same

18:06

piece of cloth. Yeah, right. Probably that. Why

18:08

not? That's what I do, I just get the same

18:10

exact same, so that's how it is, I am with everything. I can't do

18:12

the same thing over and over, I feel like I'm gonna, I feel like

18:14

I'm... I feel like I just feel

18:16

sick all the time, so I'd prefer to be comfortable. Why

18:18

are we sick all the time? You're the only person I

18:20

know who gets sick like me. Yeah, but the respiratory stuff

18:23

went away. Since I got my fucking,

18:25

which the surgery failed, but they did have

18:27

to do a bunch of cleaning and stuff

18:30

and my gum's not bleeding anymore. What

18:32

is that from? What, gum recession? Yeah.

18:36

I think I've already discussed this on the show

18:38

multiple times, so I don't wanna bore the people

18:40

who's... How's

18:43

it doing now? What's that? How's it

18:45

doing now? It's fucked up, it's still receded. It's the where

18:47

it was. Okay.

18:50

But it's not, it was inflamed

18:53

and bleeding, and I probably

18:55

could've just gotten it, they're

18:57

gonna have to repeat the, they're

19:00

gonna do the surgery again in like two months. And what,

19:02

like activate it? Activate the... Um,

19:05

no, it'll be like, it'll be slightly different

19:08

because they did the graft, but it didn't

19:10

get any root coverage, and then most of

19:12

the donor tissue died. Just slap a

19:14

zen on it. What? Just put a little zen

19:16

down there. Yeah, I really don't, I

19:20

really don't know what to do, because

19:24

I was already brushing and flossing, and it would

19:26

still get infected. I'm convinced that the flossing is

19:28

a myth. I mean, flossing is

19:30

good, but how much they want you to do it, crazy. I

19:33

think you do need to do it, because do you

19:35

ever like just floss? Like if you

19:37

don't floss regularly, you'll floss, and stuff will come

19:39

out of there, and you'll be like, oh, that's

19:41

from breakfast. No, it's from six months ago. Yeah,

19:43

but twice a day, it's just slamming them up.

19:46

I think you're only supposed to do once a day. Okay. And

19:48

you're supposed to floss gently. You shouldn't like fuck your

19:50

gums up. A lot of people, there's gum recessions caused

19:52

by brushing too hard. I'm

19:55

about to get in a visual line, so I'm gonna have, I'm

19:57

gonna talk like this. I have my CosGum recession. There.

20:00

They're giving it to me because of gum resection because

20:02

this is sunken in. They look like a

20:04

white trash. Go see a periodontist

20:06

and not an orthodontist. What's a periodontist? A

20:08

periodontist is a gum doctor. The

20:11

dentist does the teeth. The

20:13

periodontist does the gums. The orthodontist

20:15

changes the shape of your teeth.

20:18

Imagine being a gum doctor. Imagine going to

20:20

school for just the gums. Well, it's the

20:22

other way. You start like the dentist go to

20:25

school for just the teeth and then if

20:27

you go to additional school you can do the

20:30

gums and the teeth. They're specialized and they get a lot

20:32

of money. Yeah,

20:34

I think you make a little bit more money. Yeah, because

20:36

they do a lot of surgeries and stuff. That's

20:38

crazy. The anesthesiologist

20:41

is the one that's the best. The guy who

20:43

just comes in and drives into the hospital in

20:45

a race car. A

20:47

mad hatter. If I was an anesthesiologist I

20:49

would wear a top hat. Yeah. Like

20:52

the big kind of good feet. Yeah, but what they do is

20:54

they wear like full Patagonia. Two year doctor's appointment with a watch

20:56

and they're like, what's up? They

20:59

leave and they take all your money. Yeah, it's because they

21:01

need a guy to be responsible if things get fucked up.

21:04

I don't think he's responsible. I think he's drunk a lot

21:06

of the times. The anesthesiologist? He's just like a pro. Yeah,

21:08

he looks like a finance kid. Wasn't that an episode of House? A

21:11

drunk anesthesiologist. They figured it out. It was

21:14

like, oh, it was the anesthesiologist that killed

21:16

him. That was probably a pretty lazy episode

21:18

of House. Yeah. What am

21:20

I thinking of? Monk. Remember

21:22

Monk? Yeah. That was a good one. He

21:26

was like mentally like he was like... Yeah,

21:29

a problem. Yeah. Are

21:32

you looking at that? Do you have news? We do. We

21:35

have today's episode is sponsored by

21:37

our good friends over at Lucy.

21:39

Lucy is Epakolip. Epakolip

21:43

of Lucy. It's

21:46

a tobacco free

21:48

nicotine product.

21:52

And this one is... Now, we had...

21:54

They make gum. They make

21:56

the pouches. And then they make a thing called

21:58

breakers, which is a pouch. that it

22:00

has an additional little thing

22:02

in that you can bite and it releases

22:05

a secondary flavor. So

22:07

similar to, I don't know if it doesn't

22:09

say that you can't say camel crush, but

22:11

that's sort of the same idea. Big

22:14

crushes in your gum? No,

22:17

no, you just bite the patch packet. I'm

22:19

gonna get into dipping. Are

22:22

you? Well, you should get into Lucy,

22:24

because there's no tobacco, which means that it

22:26

doesn't, can I say this,

22:28

cause cancer. I

22:32

don't see that, yeah. Your face is falling

22:34

off. Your gum is

22:36

sliding off your face. Take Lucy. Well, it's

22:38

not from this shit. I don't, you know. I don't

22:40

see this. Yeah. It's

22:45

good. You can try it. It's difficult to open, because

22:47

it looks like, here, let me show you. I see,

22:49

I see, I see. No, no, that's where you put

22:51

the spent ones. It

22:54

took me like 20 minutes to figure out how to

22:56

open this thing. We had a

22:58

lot more. We had the gum. When

23:01

we do the reeds, usually I just have the gum. The

23:03

gum I like, that's fine. I don't

23:05

like putting something in my lip. Even

23:07

though it is just nicotine, it does

23:10

still feel like naughty. You

23:14

know what I mean? You're not vaping anymore? Nope.

23:16

Here's my question. No, I quit in October.

23:19

How'd you do that? I

23:21

just stopped. I mean, that's the thing with

23:23

any kind of like, there's no trick to

23:25

quitting any substance. You just do it,

23:28

and then it sucks for the rest of your life. You

23:31

know, it'll suck maybe a little bit less, but you never... Do

23:33

you feel better? No. You don't?

23:35

No, I don't feel better being sober. I don't feel as bad

23:37

as I did when I was hungover. But,

23:40

I mean, you know, I don't

23:42

know. I mean, I'm just like... What about

23:45

the vegan thing? What

23:47

about it? Did you give it up? Yeah, a while

23:49

though. Which felt better, vegan or not

23:51

vegan? I cannot tell

23:53

the difference. Really? Yeah,

23:56

I have no... I don't think I'm real. I don't

23:58

think I'm fucking... I don't think you're real. There's

24:00

like a simulation happening somewhere. The matching

24:02

sweatpants. I didn't think that until the matching sweatpants. Also

24:04

the one time that I was telling you about something

24:06

synchronistic that happened and you were like, that shit just

24:08

hits me like a wave like nine times a day.

24:11

What do you mean? Like I was telling you

24:13

about some weird synchronicity that was happening out there and

24:16

you were like, yeah, that's just my life a hundred percent of

24:18

the time. I was like, oh, maybe you are. Okay,

24:21

so Lucy is intelligent nicotine and

24:24

there's a way to do this. Let

24:27

me try it. So this part on the top,

24:29

that's where you put the spent ones, which is

24:31

good, which probably one of the grossest things. And

24:34

this is a piece of hot gossip exclusive to

24:36

this Lucy ad read. Years

24:38

and years ago when Kurt and Sherrod had

24:40

that show on Sirius, I would

24:42

go hang out with them and I wound up at a

24:45

bar with them and Ann Coulter. And

24:47

Ann Coulter puts her chewed up gum

24:49

back in the package and folds the

24:51

tinfoil. Okay, I have to

24:53

tell you something. I do that. Well, you're a fucking

24:56

freak. Where are we supposed to

24:58

put it? There's still the tinfoil in there. You wrap

25:00

it up. I'm not going to throw in the street. I'll get stuck on

25:02

somebody's shoe. I'm going to put it back in the thing. Yeah.

25:05

Okay. I

25:07

do that. I'm imagining that she's saving it

25:09

for later. I don't think that's crazy. Ann

25:11

Coulter is not like, oh, but

25:13

somebody's shoe. Anyways, fuck Mexicans. You know what I

25:15

mean? It's like, no, she doesn't. She's not like,

25:18

she's not saving it like a Jew. She's not

25:20

doing that. She's not squirreling it away. I think,

25:22

first of all, I didn't say like a Jew.

25:24

Sorry. I did. I'm turning it into an anti-Semitic

25:26

thing that I'm applying. But

25:28

she's not. She's not saving money.

25:30

You know? Just

25:33

accusing somebody of anti-Semitism for making

25:35

a comment on anyone being cheap.

25:38

Yeah. That's pretty, whoa. Easy

25:41

there, Mr. Holocaust. My

25:45

dad used to be like, this was his gum. Roll it up into a

25:47

ball with his hands and it would get covered in dirt and then he'd

25:49

put it right on the dashboard. Who

25:51

would do that? My father. It

25:54

was everywhere. Little balls everywhere. Cigarette butts

25:56

and little balls of gum. That's insane. It's insane.

25:59

Disgusting. I like to

26:01

keep them just right on the anus, tip

26:03

of the anus. Yeah, yeah,

26:05

yeah. Because it plugs in there and they

26:07

sort of look the same. Chewed

26:09

up gum. Yeah. So,

26:12

anyways, they got the breakers, which are nicotine

26:14

pouches with a tiny capsule inside. The capsule

26:16

contains a liquid flavor that saturates the pouch

26:18

before it's even in use. You break it

26:20

with your teeth, get it situated

26:22

and boom, instant nicotine release whenever you need

26:25

it. So, it doesn't, I

26:28

guess it, yeah, it's not only does it change

26:30

the flavor a little bit or make it more

26:32

intense, the breakers, but it gives you

26:34

the nicotine bumper when you need it. So,

26:38

Lucy is made for your nicotine routine

26:40

and delivered straight through your door. It's

26:42

100% pure nicotine, always tobacco free. As

26:45

I said, they've got pouches, breakers or gum. You

26:48

can get it through 2 milligrams or

26:50

12 milligrams. I

26:52

recommend starting at the bottom because when they...

26:56

Well, when they sent it to us, I was like, yeah,

26:58

give us the fucking 12. Let's try it. You

27:00

know? You have to take the sticky off.

27:02

Yeah, that's nuts. 12 is, you got to

27:04

be, you got to, I think if you're

27:06

taking 12 milligrams, you're like an offshore, like...

27:10

Is it 8 milligrams?

27:12

Yeah. I can't do that. I'm

27:14

going to throw up. Yeah. So, that's

27:16

what I mean. Start with the two, work your way up.

27:18

Okay, what happens? It's more likely to satisfy you if you

27:20

have an everyday nicotine routine. 12 might be for you if

27:23

you've been underwhelmed by the effects of other

27:25

nicotine pouches. What

27:28

that means is, yeah, you're in a

27:30

white supremacist prison gang and you need

27:32

to be awake probably

27:35

22 hours a day. Yeah.

27:38

Because you rob trucks or something. I don't

27:40

know who 12 milligrams were. Meth.

27:44

But they have it. That's an option available for

27:46

you. If you're a normal person, 4 to

27:49

2 milligrams, probably. 2 to 6. Let's

27:52

say that. Save

27:54

yourself the weekly gas station stop

27:56

and sign up for a monthly

27:58

subscription. save 15% off

28:01

no commitment you can cancel any time and

28:04

I love that I love that everything's a subscription

28:07

though. There's a heartbeat in my gum where it's

28:09

happening. Yeah yeah that's probably just from the pressure

28:12

that means your body loves it feels like

28:14

it's a cattle burning your body's like oh

28:17

wow this is good it's

28:19

really the heartbeat I'm eight milligrams the

28:21

heartbeat is that's like them that's power

28:23

you know that's a good thing that's

28:25

love considerations

28:28

slash ideas slash prompts

28:31

what is your favorite Lucy flavor? Apple.

28:34

Yeah Apple Apple is a good one I

28:38

already said what strength I prefer the

28:40

normal people ones you know two

28:42

to six not to discriminate against

28:44

anybody that might need 12 million.

28:47

Not to discriminate on loads of

28:49

meth yeah currently. When do you

28:51

throw in your Lucy? It

28:53

helps with going to the mall yeah creative

28:56

stuff when you're trying to pick out an

28:58

outfit you don't want to match. Find your

29:00

car yeah midday slump at

29:02

the golf course post coffee now

29:05

midday slump that is certainly something I can

29:07

relate to I'm good in between the hours

29:09

at 4 a.m. and 9 a.m. I

29:12

got a dog so I've been napping yeah I'm

29:14

all about the nap now why do you need a

29:16

dog oh get a dog to sleep on you you're

29:18

napping napping's hard to do yeah you

29:20

have all the coffee I nap all the

29:23

time really yeah you look like you're

29:25

napping sometimes in your wake well it's

29:27

it's it's funny

29:29

a lot of people their perception of this

29:31

podcast is that it's like and

29:34

what's actually happened is I asked

29:36

repeatedly can we just do the podcast at 9 a.m. can we get

29:38

it out of the way at 9 a.m. there's a bunch of other

29:40

shit to do we can get it done at 9 a.m. and

29:43

it is impossible to get out and to adhere to

29:45

that schedule for more than a week doesn't happen it

29:48

just won't happen oh so then you're sleepy this

29:50

gets recorded in the afternoon every time and I

29:52

just I'm not an afternoon guy I'm not I've

29:54

never been did you record come down

29:57

in the mornings no late at night

29:59

or Late at night you probably have a

30:01

resurgence. Oh yeah, because it's like doing stand-up. We

30:03

would do it at night. Night is the best. Yeah,

30:06

the problem with this

30:08

time is I'll come in here and

30:11

it'll be three daylight outside, and when I leave it'll

30:13

be dark. Brutal. Especially early on too, because

30:15

I saw a job. So

30:18

we'd do it after work or something. It was fun,

30:21

you know? Hang out with friends after work. You're

30:24

26, you're making money for the first time in

30:26

your life, you know? Now you're old.

30:29

Now you're fucking old and a loser. 3 p.m., you

30:32

need a nap. You're a loser and

30:34

you barely, you made some money, but you would have

30:36

the same amount if you had just had a regular

30:38

job for the last 15 years. Yeah. You

30:40

probably have a family also. Yeah, maybe a family.

30:43

Yeah. Instead of the

30:45

HIV virus. And

30:50

whatever your neighbor's name is. Yeah,

30:53

so here's some of our favorite customer reviews.

30:56

The best nicotine pouches I've found, they

30:58

feel and taste great. I

31:00

couldn't be happier with my monthly subscription. Here's

31:04

another one. They're delicious and

31:06

discreet. These pouches give me all day

31:08

focus. So thankful for

31:10

Lucy for providing us a clean nicotine

31:12

alternative. Here's another one.

31:15

The berry citrus is juicy as heck.

31:18

So much flavor being tossed around.

31:20

It's like an orgasm in my

31:22

mouth. So each one of these

31:24

gets progressively more juicy

31:27

as heck. Factual, yeah. Thank

31:29

you, Lucy. It's weird to say

31:31

juicy as heck, but then also say orgasm. Yeah.

31:33

Juicy as heck, like a fucking pussy that

31:36

I'm slamming my dick into. It's super juicy

31:38

if you know what I mean. Makes me

31:40

feel like I'm nutting inside of a woman's

31:42

vagina. Called

31:45

action. Here we go. So

31:48

let's level up your nicotine

31:50

routine with Lucy. Go to

31:52

Lucy.co and the M is

31:54

missing. Why? It's compression.

31:57

The melanoma is missing because you

31:59

can't. get cancer from I think,

32:03

I don't know, Lucy.co, slash TAFS

32:06

and use promo code TAFS to

32:08

get 20% off your

32:10

first order. Lucy offers free shipping and

32:12

has a 30-day refund policy if you

32:15

change your mind. That's Lucy.co and

32:17

use code TAFS to get 20% off

32:20

and always free shipping. You

32:24

must read the below exactly as written.

32:27

Okay. And here comes the fine print.

32:29

Lucy products are only for adults of

32:31

legal age and even in every

32:35

order is age verified. Warning,

32:37

this product contains nicotine. Nicotine

32:39

is an addictive chemical. But

32:43

yeah, I don't know.

32:45

I like them. I've used them

32:47

around the office when there's maybe

32:50

some little bit of work to do,

32:52

some emails to send off, begging the

32:55

bank for money

32:58

to try and... Okay.

33:01

And we're back. We're

33:05

back. We're back. Are you

33:08

bouncing cameras back there? He is. Wow.

33:11

You know, it's a big

33:13

weekend. Kung Fu Panda

33:15

4. No,

33:17

it's five. It's gotta be five. Is it four? Kung

33:20

Fu Panda 4. We're getting on. Jack

33:22

Black, friend of the show. Is

33:25

it? Sort of, I guess. Kind of.

33:29

You listen to it? He

33:31

follows Adam. Wow.

33:33

And then we DM'd him and I don't

33:36

think he... Adam, he

33:38

may have responded to Adam. Nobody talks

33:40

to me. They can't. Why?

33:42

Because you're not on the, you're locked in a kitty

33:44

cat room. Now, now I

33:47

am. But they don't

33:49

know that. You don't

33:51

know? Is Kayla telling... What's her name? Uh,

33:55

Kyla. Kyla, is she telling you what's up? Do you think there's

33:57

gonna be more variations on the

33:59

name? Kayla,

34:01

Kyla, Kyra, Kira. What

34:05

they've done with Caitlin in the

34:07

last 20 years. It's crazy. Some

34:09

of them like the fucking like, like

34:12

the wagon wheel families. Yeah. Like

34:14

the Nicholas Sparks cover wagon wheel

34:16

family. What they've done with Caitlin.

34:18

Yeah, totally.

34:21

K-H-E-I-G-H-T-L-Y-O-U-N-N. Well,

34:26

what about Ashley? I was thinking about how Siri

34:28

is very racist because when Ishmael

34:31

would call me, Ishmael would be, it would be

34:33

like, if a girl named Ashley with like 12

34:35

G's would call, it would be like, Ashley is calling

34:37

and Ishmael would be like, blah, blah, blah, blah, is

34:39

calling you. But it could say Ashley

34:42

with three G's in it. What the fuck

34:44

are you talking about? Siri? Who?

34:46

Who is Ishmael? You know what? Who

34:50

is Ishmael? Who is Ishmael? No,

34:54

it's not. Like if it calls, like if it's like, if

34:56

my friend Ishmael calls, You need to unlock your iPhone

35:00

first. Christ. If you, shut

35:02

up. You dumb slut. If

35:04

Ishmael calls, it's like, it

35:06

can't say his name. It's like, yes, yeah,

35:08

he is calling. Siri does? Yeah, I can't

35:10

pronounce it. But if a woman named Ashley

35:12

with three G's and an H and a

35:15

Y calls, it's like, Ashley is calling.

35:17

Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah,

35:20

I guess I haven't had any kind of chance

35:22

to test that out because I don't know how much

35:25

a weird fucked up. And I also don't have

35:27

Siri announcing phone calls. Yeah, I

35:29

do. Adam is the only one that calls me. He

35:32

calls me six or seven times a day. Yeah. If

35:34

I don't answer, he'll just start texting me question marks.

35:37

Oh, yeah. Do you love the, how about the question mark

35:39

on the thing? Maybe

35:42

10% of the time does he actually

35:44

have information that needs to be relayed? He'll

35:46

call me. 10 is high. Ian? Wow. What?

35:50

You know, the information that I actually

35:52

need to get from me. And so what Ian does is

35:54

he likes to do a debrief before I

35:57

have to leave. So he'll do a full debrief and then I'll be

35:59

like, all right. I'm getting a new burn. I'll be like, all

36:01

right, just to recap one more time. And I don't know if

36:03

you've ever felt that level of suffocation

36:05

before. We've got to get those two to team up. That

36:09

would be, Adam

36:11

would tranquilize Ian immediately. What

36:14

do you mean? I mean, when he was

36:16

in here without you, he was ripping the chair apart. I

36:18

did not see any of that, but yes. It

36:21

was a babysitter type feeling.

36:23

Ian's been here multiple times, and I haven't

36:25

been here, and I've requested that he doesn't

36:28

smoke in our studio. Does he?

36:30

He does. He insists on smoking cigarettes

36:32

in here. It's a substitute teacher

36:34

when Adam's here. And it's not like a smell thing.

36:36

It's like we've got a bunch of expensive equipment. Yeah.

36:39

It's also like a fire hat. I don't want

36:41

you smoking cigarettes in here. And he's decided that

36:43

he can. Yeah. Yeah. And then I've asked Adam.

36:45

He's like, I tried to get him to stop,

36:47

but he won't listen to me. It

36:50

is. It is. When you're not here, it is

36:52

like a substitute teacher. It is like

36:54

they're rolling in the TV for the kids to watch a

36:56

movie, and then you just start. Land

36:59

before time. We should just start airing the

37:01

land before time instead of doing the podcast.

37:04

How often are you doing this every week? Twice

37:06

a week. No. Twice

37:09

a week? Where does the other one go?

37:12

On patreon.com/T-A-F-S. $5 a

37:14

month. That

37:20

is $25 a month. $25

37:22

a month. For

37:24

the low price of $25 a month. I'm

37:29

just, I'm still hoping. Like, you know what would be great? Yeah,

37:32

what do you want? One

37:34

subscriber. Just a rich,

37:36

like a cartoon pig wearing a top hat.

37:38

Yeah. Who pays us $250,000 a month.

37:44

What's the highest you have? What? What's the highest

37:46

you have as a donation? Yeah. I

37:49

don't fucking know. I haven't checked in forever. I

37:53

don't know. So why don't you shut

37:55

it all down? This can't last. Why do you want it

37:57

to keep, why is it still going? Because I know. need

38:00

the money okay this can't like

38:02

this can't be it can't

38:05

it can't hit ten years you know

38:07

all you have to do is say racist stuff and then it'll

38:10

go up you just have to do that that's the whole

38:12

tree I don't want it's not about it going up

38:15

but you can skyrocket up say the

38:17

n-word you'll get all the HR money

38:20

once but you know what I'm very lucky I got

38:22

a nice life I'm happy about it we

38:26

got kung fu pan before in

38:28

the pipeline coming out tomorrow is

38:31

your cat still alive yes that's great

38:34

yeah yeah yeah did your can I

38:36

say that you have a girlfriend sure

38:39

yeah did she have did she name the cat yet

38:42

no woman can live with it unnamed

38:44

the cat like you

38:46

know I don't know if you've spent a lot of time

38:48

around that cat but her

38:51

her personality doesn't warrant

38:53

one name I feel okay you know

38:55

other cats I have no problem you

38:57

give them a name but she's just

38:59

she's kind of just so nebulous in

39:01

her yeah and yeah

39:04

she's like a little rat like

39:06

she's ratty and like

39:09

sneaky but also dumb and

39:11

it's like you know it's like her personality

39:13

you have a million names for it you're

39:15

not just calling your cat no yeah yeah

39:17

all right the cat yeah there's just mostly

39:20

I look at the cat I go who do you think

39:23

you are yeah who just who

39:25

the hell do you think you are what

39:27

a crazy life if you if you did

39:29

the the John Malkovich's body

39:31

tube and woke up and you were Nick

39:33

Mullins cat Wow but

39:36

the reality is if the cat doesn't think anything

39:40

it's sitting there and it's just there's

39:42

nothing it's just drooling yeah

39:44

oh you have a drooling cat where you pet it and drool

39:46

well she doesn't have any really

39:48

yeah she's never anything when I first got the cat

39:50

I took her to the vet and they've ever what

39:54

that's disgusting sorry no I'm

39:57

just trying to get your numbers up here is that so you

39:59

can and fuck your cat's face. I

40:04

hate this business. I know, dude.

40:06

I know. It's really fucked up. I

40:10

realized the other day when Joe

40:13

List had Sam Harris

40:15

on his podcast and I was like, I can't do

40:17

this. I can't be in this basement. I

40:20

can't have the slide whistles. I can't. I

40:22

flipped out. I had a nervous breakdown. Somebody

40:24

yelled in the audience, Mary Ian, and I

40:26

flipped out at them. Oh

40:29

my God, dude. Can you imagine how fucking awful that

40:31

would be? Do you know how often I get that?

40:33

Can you imagine how fucking awful of a life that

40:35

we get? For both him and I. For

40:37

both him forever. For fucking

40:39

I would be, even if I had forgotten

40:42

about you guys, 20 years from now, let's

40:44

say I get lucky, right? Somehow, 20 million

40:47

dollar windfall, and then I just walk away. No

40:49

one ever hears from me again. I'm living in

40:51

Woodstock. I got a house, I got

40:53

a home gym, I got a little studio,

40:55

I'm into painting, I don't know, my projects,

40:58

I take care of animals. I got nothing.

41:00

I have no public involvement whatsoever. And I'm

41:02

55 years old. And then I'm like,

41:04

oh right. Oh

41:07

God, they just lived again and they fucking,

41:09

they have to podcast. They

41:11

wake up in the same bed. That's

41:14

all people want. Dude. They yell that out

41:16

at me. I might literally throw up at the idea

41:18

of what an awful life that would be. I ran

41:20

into a woman who said, where do you and Ian

41:22

live? And I was like, don't do

41:24

this. And she was like, what? And

41:26

I was like, you know, don't do

41:28

this. Mary Ian. That's so disgusting. That's

41:30

worse than implying I fucked my cat's mouth.

41:34

I think so. I

41:36

mean, I know. That's why I had a nervous breakdown. I

41:39

was like, I can't do it. Not because, but because I was

41:41

getting people yelling stuff out like that. Or yelling

41:43

stuff out like, don't stop trying to turn in. I

41:45

don't even want to think about you and Ian like

41:47

holding hands. Yeah. You know what I mean? I know.

41:50

Yeah. I mean, I think that's the way, because

41:52

a lot of people are like, come on. No, shut up. That's

41:54

such a distorted view of the world because

41:57

you and Ian are people that are brought

41:59

together by. economic

42:01

necessity. It's

42:04

a commentary on just

42:07

how badly this

42:09

experiment of

42:11

how we've structured society has

42:14

fucked up. Now there's two people

42:16

that can barely pay their

42:18

rent in

42:21

a city that's just this bloated nightmare

42:24

by having mental illness at each

42:26

other and then you

42:29

see that and you're

42:31

like, together forever. That's

42:33

love. That's the human

42:35

emotion love. I

42:38

think it's just that there's turmoil and people

42:40

have turmoil in their, they

42:42

hate their spouse so they see me

42:44

and Ian screaming at

42:47

each other and they're like, see Yanni,

42:49

that is love. They're on the TV.

42:51

I think that's what it is. No,

42:54

yeah, no, it needs to be, I think the

42:56

Indians figured it out. It was arranged. Yeah,

42:58

dude, it is arranged. I talked to an Indian

43:00

lady about this and she was like, it's the

43:03

best. I just have to spend my life figuring

43:05

out how to love my

43:07

husband as opposed to a million figuring out how to

43:09

love a million other people, which makes sense. Just

43:12

one guy. You're like, all right, let's make

43:14

it work. Yeah. I mean, I went on

43:16

a date recently with a guy. First of all, the

43:18

autism is out of control

43:20

out there, out of control on the

43:23

dating apps. They're all autistic. I don't,

43:25

because that's the thing is like, and

43:27

I don't think I've ever, maybe I've

43:29

joked about it once or twice, but

43:31

like, there's people that'll seriously treat me

43:33

like I'm autistic. I'm not autistic. I'm

43:37

not even, yeah, it's just, I mean, talk like

43:39

that with the breath. I'm

43:42

just like, I'm

43:44

just not particularly charismatic. I'm not

43:46

autistic. I'm just, maybe I'm a little

43:49

bit rude, but there's nothing autistic

43:51

about me. And now it's become

43:53

a thing where people were ironically leaning

43:55

into being autistic to now I feel

43:57

like everyone, everyone just thinks they actually.

44:00

have autism. But girls do it

44:02

now too. Now real autistic people

44:04

are coming out into the world because you

44:07

know hot guys are like I'm autistic and they're like

44:09

me too and then those guys are being like I'm

44:11

a person and they're getting on the dating apps and

44:13

then you have to go out with them and they're

44:16

actually like autistic you know. Picking

44:18

their nose and eating. Yeah. But Adam does

44:20

that and he's not. That's insane. He picks

44:22

his nose and eats it and then but

44:24

he's not I wouldn't say he's

44:27

not autistic. He probably has better social skills

44:29

than most comedians. Totally.

44:31

Yeah. Yeah. He is non

44:33

comic friends. Mm-hmm. That's good. Yeah. You're not

44:36

autistic you're just but your brain is moving

44:38

too fast so that when somebody's talking to

44:40

you you just have to check out because

44:42

there's a thousand things. No I'm just a

44:44

rude person. No way! I've said things and you

44:46

have a rebuttal for it before I've even

44:48

finished the sentence. The gears are going very

44:50

very quickly. I'm just yes-anding. I don't know.

44:53

Rebutting. No no. Dude

44:56

I'm just imagining you and Ian

44:58

as the don't as the like

45:00

in Beetlejuice when they see themselves

45:03

dead. Yeah that's

45:05

what it is. Together

45:11

forever. Oh my god

45:13

yeah that's how it

45:16

feels. Mm-hmm. I mean it's like

45:20

it's as revolting as the idea

45:22

of like like imagine

45:24

like imagine letting the dishes just sit.

45:26

Imagine you made your own like French

45:28

onion soup and then fucking

45:30

like let the pot soak. Yeah.

45:33

And then left the sponge in the sink soaking that

45:35

up and then put the sponge in

45:37

your mouth. Yeah. And like sucked all of

45:39

the dish water out. Yeah. That's

45:41

the same that viscerally. My sister made

45:44

me drink a cup of dish drain

45:46

gung after watching the dishes. I drank it I was

45:48

a fat fuck. She was like chocolate milk. Look drank

45:50

it. Yeah it was

45:52

really bad. The smell of sponge I think might be

45:54

my least favorite. I think that besides that and Subway

45:56

I think not like Subway the

45:59

sandwich place. those are the two

46:01

worst smells in the world sponge subway I

46:03

thought she was just recently

46:05

telling somebody a story about being in a movie theater one

46:07

time that I guess was right next to a subway sandwich

46:10

place and so you could smell

46:12

a subway the entire what is that smell sweet

46:14

meat I don't know

46:16

yeast maybe it's not ready they don't

46:18

use yeast that's packing material no they

46:21

have to I think the bread comes

46:23

like it needs to be proof

46:25

but really yeah it looks like a turd you ever

46:27

see they got a raise of it in the

46:29

back they're like look it's

46:31

fresh and it's like I've been done I then

46:34

I don't want fresh yeah yeah yeah give me

46:36

old it's bad yeah but there's something

46:38

about it there's a six it's

46:40

like a 99 cent city smell

46:42

it's like plastic being burnt slightly

46:44

bad yeah but yeah that is

46:47

I agree and that's not to say I love

46:49

Ian I love Ian but us being together makes

46:51

me it makes me feel so alienated from

46:54

everybody on the planet that one person would be

46:56

like you guys should get married you know I

46:58

mean it's such a poor read to yeah on

47:00

like what a dynamic is yeah you know what

47:02

I mean yeah it's like it's

47:05

just man-woman gay gay gay yeah

47:07

right today's episode

47:13

is also brought to you by my bookie

47:15

our good friends of my bookie we've been

47:17

doing business with them for years thank you

47:19

my bookie for your continued support of the

47:21

Adam Friedland show can

47:25

this kind of can this just be on PBS

47:27

can I just get money from PBS and

47:29

they could have a PBS show and I

47:32

don't have to deal with like it could just

47:34

be that's what I want and

47:36

then it's just we'll dim the

47:38

lights a little bit more I'll talk quieter I'll

47:41

still say all the stuff but I'll talk quieter how

47:44

much money do you need you don't

47:46

need that much money how much money

47:48

do I need yeah there's an exact number and I can tell

47:50

you after really to know

47:52

that I won't end up like that much the

47:55

people I care about it taking care of an IM to

47:58

yeah I have it yet An

48:00

exact number. Yes. I'm

48:03

ten years away from it. Wow. Yeah.

48:06

You gotta do something. I know. How

48:08

do you expedite that? I don't know. But

48:10

everybody feels like, I think everybody can feel it.

48:12

There's a moment right now. This

48:15

is a do or die year for everybody, not just

48:17

me. Yeah. If you work at Taco

48:19

Bell. JFL went under? Yes.

48:23

Which, good. And you know why it went under?

48:25

Why? Because they fucking blew all

48:27

the money like catering to the Quebecois. How?

48:31

Because every fucking year at JFL they have

48:33

to blow all these resources on like because

48:35

all these French fucking idiots are like, where

48:37

is the mam? We need

48:39

to have a mam show. Have you ever seen any of that? The

48:42

what? Their local shows that they

48:44

have to fucking put on. They have to like, they

48:46

have to cater to the... What's a mam? Mime.

48:49

Oh, where is the mime? Yeah. Yeah,

48:52

like the giant party. The local,

48:54

the French Canadians have such like

48:56

a dog shit idea of entertainment.

48:59

Do you think they think they're really French? Like

49:01

French French? They do. Yeah, I mean, they're like

49:03

their own culture. But like if you look at

49:05

the shows they put on, I mean, it literally

49:07

is. It's like a half naked clown walking on

49:09

a tight rope. Oh, wow. It's

49:12

bullshit. It's garbage. JFL does that? Yes,

49:14

they have to do that stuff. And

49:16

my theory is, I don't know anything about

49:19

the financials, but they blew too much

49:21

money on that. On the mimes? Yeah, on

49:23

mimes. On catering

49:25

to their version of Cajun

49:28

people. I

49:30

don't know what they did. I don't know how you could

49:32

lose money. I mean, you have, I don't know, there's literally

49:34

a festival that like some retail... Well, they're certainly not paying

49:37

the comedians. I mean, that's not... That's what I mean. They

49:39

don't pay them. I got bed bugs the one year I

49:41

was there. Yeah. It's like, it's dog

49:43

shit. And also, it's like, people,

49:45

everybody will do it because they want the credit.

49:47

So then where is the money going? I,

49:50

yeah, that was, the

49:53

year I did it was probably, I think, the worst year

49:55

ever. Well, so you

49:57

can't fire Jeff Singer and then immediately go out of business.

49:59

That's so fucked up. You can't be like this

50:01

guy's a rapist racist or whatever the fuck

50:03

he was and then just immediately plummet that sucks

50:06

Yeah, he was holding it. He was holding the whole

50:08

holding What's

50:11

he doing now no idea I

50:13

always thought he's a nice guy it's a shame he raped all those

50:15

people I know What happened exactly no?

50:17

Did he do that? He said the n-word? Oh,

50:19

okay? But he did call me when I

50:22

got into JFL and did this he was like hey I just

50:24

want you to know like we're gonna keep our

50:26

eye on you like we think you're really good And we're gonna keep

50:28

her on you and I was like ah fuck and he was like

50:31

because you're coming to JFL And I almost

50:33

like I don't want to do an idol

50:35

break crazy. Yes. Yeah It

50:37

almost you know it's funny. I'm thinking you know

50:39

who loves doing that is Like

50:45

loser guys that turn like

50:47

they're in their late 50s

50:49

and then they start thinking they can trick people

50:51

into Assuming they were in the

50:53

military. They don't even have the confidence to like

50:55

steal valor They'll just like wear a

50:57

hat for a ship You

51:00

know yeah, you know the guys are

51:02

they'll use the NATO alphabet Like

51:06

they'll just use the NATO alphabet and then hope

51:08

that you're like oh this guy was a where

51:10

have you seen this? What where have you seen

51:12

this seen these guys? Yeah, I used to be

51:14

exposed to them all the time really yeah I

51:16

knew one when I worked in a car dealership,

51:18

but They love

51:20

doing and they do it in restaurants. I'm

51:23

gonna be honest even if I see somebody with military time I'm

51:25

upset. I don't believe you yeah, no so this

51:27

guy they're old guys that are I've always been

51:29

losers And then like

51:31

they're old enough that no one can tell they're

51:33

like oh I can just

51:35

make people assume that I used to be an athlete or I

51:37

was in the name They have no idea that I was a

51:40

guy that like collected bugs You know until

51:42

he was like 40 you know so

51:44

they'll go grow a mustache or something They're like

51:46

they'll read a Tom Clancy book They'll carry the

51:48

Tom Clancy book around and then you're like does

51:50

that man know how to read and it's upside

51:52

down What about the stolen valor of

51:54

the southern guys the mullets and the and

51:57

the well let me tell these

51:59

guys so that These guys, what they'll do is

52:01

they'll go to a restaurant and then they'll do

52:03

like, they'll tell the waiter, they're like, I would

52:05

like to see the manager please. And

52:08

then the manager, then they'll be like, oh fuck, I'm in

52:10

trouble. And the manager will come out and be like, I

52:12

want you to know that this young man gave

52:16

me the best service that I've had. And they

52:18

like wanna have, they wanted like, they always, they

52:20

love doing that kind of, you know. This? They

52:23

were real, yeah. They love the

52:25

surprise. It was actually an amazing

52:28

job. Wow, you're right.

52:31

I do know what you're talking about. And

52:33

they think they just wanna surprise somebody.

52:35

And there's something like so sweet

52:38

about it that like, because

52:40

they wouldn't get enough attention just leaving a nice

52:43

tip and they probably also don't have the resources

52:45

to do it. That they're like,

52:47

if I make this guy think that I'm mad,

52:50

but then actually that

52:52

he's the best, then

52:55

that'll be. What is that? Hey boy, get

52:57

the fuck out of here. What is this? That's

53:00

a damn nasty drug, boy. It's like that. I

53:03

don't know. It's people that have like, they

53:06

learned emotions from, yeah,

53:09

American Idol basically. I don't know. I

53:11

don't know. I don't know what causes it. It's just a

53:13

desire to have some kind of

53:16

importance. Sometimes you think like. But

53:18

not in a sinister way, you know. A

53:20

guy came up to me in Lowe's today and was like.

53:22

By the way, sorry, MyBookie.ag, this

53:26

episode brought to you by MyBookie.ag. And

53:29

we've got a big weekend coming up because

53:31

it's UFC 299. Not

53:33

UFC 300. That would be a little bit more exciting.

53:36

But it's UFC 299. It's O'Malley

53:38

versus Vera Two. So

53:41

I don't know what happened to Vera One, but O'Malley

53:44

versus, we got an Irish versus

53:46

Vera. What is that? A

53:48

woman's name? I guess it's his wife that he picked up. Is it Two like

53:50

this? Or is it like Netanyahu? Netanyahu

53:52

or? You know, it's not. It's

53:55

not what his name is. It's

53:59

not like. not the name you're trying

54:01

to think of. Yeah, so... Who am

54:03

I thinking? Nosferatu? What is the

54:05

name? Nosferatu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's

54:07

Vera and then the number two. It's

54:10

not. So I'm assuming it's a rematch

54:12

of O'Malley versus Vera. Would

54:14

you have seen 299 pay-per-view on tap this

54:16

weekend? It's time to put your money where

54:18

your mouth is. So it's time to put your money

54:21

on some guy's cock. It's

54:23

not the name that you're thinking of. It's

54:28

not something else. It's

54:31

not an incorrect thing. Sign up now

54:33

for a host of boosted bets and

54:35

exclusive money bag props that let you

54:38

grab A-tier fighters and incredible odds. UFC

54:40

299 is the perfect opportunity to cash

54:42

in on your fight knowledge at my

54:44

book. You asked me, have

54:47

I felt better since quitting the

54:49

vegan thing? And I think, I was

54:51

having a lot of trouble speaking. I think I did give

54:53

myself a vitamin B deficiency. And

54:57

now that's gone. I'm not tripping over.

54:59

I was worried about it. I

55:01

thought I had a neurological problem. I'd

55:03

be like, buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh.

55:07

You seemed more sleepy, but I'm trying to

55:09

chill on me. I'm definitely sleepier, but I

55:11

think that's just being 35. Also

55:13

too, I was doing better and

55:15

then I got the gum surgery and

55:18

then I gave myself a week to

55:20

just be in recovery. And

55:22

then I found out it failed like 10 days after and then

55:24

I just sat in bed crying. I

55:27

was depressed about it. And then I

55:30

just like, I haven't been moving. So if

55:32

I'm like sleepier in the last month, it's

55:35

just inertia from like, sort

55:37

of checking out. Are you going to Equinox? No.

55:39

No. I do not have an Equinox

55:42

member. I have a lifetime membership. Which

55:44

by the way, it's funny. I feel like I've

55:47

run into more often in public

55:49

saunas. How

55:51

people would be like, hey, I'm

55:53

sorry, are you the guy from the Come Town Podcast? And

55:56

I'm just sitting there in a family. Is that anywhere else?

55:58

Yeah, more in saunas. I'm

56:00

like, wow, yes, I am actually. Wow.

56:02

It's nice. That feels like that's the

56:04

perfect place for it. Because there's something

56:06

ancient about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The

56:08

old public forum was

56:10

just being in a bath house. And your dick

56:12

and balls are just out. You're like, mm-hmm. Yeah.

56:15

I go to Lifetime. And Lifetime Fitness,

56:17

90% of the time.

56:21

Because I go all over. I'm

56:24

a world traveler. So I go all over.

56:26

And I'll go to the Lifetime and whatever town I'm

56:29

in. And 90% of

56:31

the time, the sauna is just in

56:33

the gender-respective locker

56:35

room. You know, it's in the locker room.

56:37

Ooh, but sometimes? Sometimes it's in

56:40

the pool area. They'll have laps

56:42

swimming. And it'll be in the pool area.

56:45

And I get ready to go to the sauna. And so

56:47

I take all my clothes off. And I put the towel

56:49

on. And then I'll follow the signs for the sauna. And

56:51

then some of the time, you're just nude,

56:54

wearing a very small, like a towel. Yeah,

56:56

the tiny towel. And then you're like, OK.

56:58

Well, I guess I'm just walking through. And

57:01

then I'm out in the public sauna. And

57:03

it's like families dressed like this,

57:05

sitting in the sauna. And then I'm like,

57:07

hey, how's it going? They have the big

57:09

leaves that they're slapping each other with. I

57:12

wish. That would be cool. Who does that?

57:14

Filipinos? The bathhouses. Yeah. So my bookie, and

57:16

with the bantamweight strap on the line in

57:18

Saturday night's main event, you can

57:21

stream and bet on it right from the sports book,

57:23

giving you the advantage until the final bell rings.

57:25

So cash out and win, or let it

57:27

ride, with my bookie, baby. If you're looking

57:30

for a little excitement before the fights begin,

57:32

experience the thrill of my bookie's brand new

57:34

and improved casino floor, featuring

57:36

over 500 new games and progressive

57:39

jackpots waiting to be won. Bet

57:41

and play absolutely anything, anytime, anywhere, only

57:43

with my bookie. And if you go

57:46

now and use promo code TAFS

57:50

somewhere on the website, I imagine that they

57:52

will either match or deposit or do something

57:54

that is, unfortunately, not listed

57:56

on this updated copy. But where my bookie is,

57:59

I'm going to go. could put

58:01

in TAFS. I don't think

58:03

it matters. I think if you find a place to

58:05

do that, there's some kind of promotion. Otherwise, go to

58:07

my bookie. We've been doing business

58:09

with them for years, so

58:11

I don't even know why. I don't even understand what the

58:13

fuck the point of promo code did. It's

58:16

for tracking. I've tried using our promo code on

58:18

a million things. Nothing happened. It never happens. You

58:20

know what's nice? I finally like ... because I

58:22

still get emails. I finally hit a number of

58:24

Instagram followers, which is not a lot. It's only

58:26

like 175,000. We're just getting offered

58:30

free shit all the time. Yeah. I just said yes

58:32

to a load of peanut butter. I just offered

58:34

a free trip to Costa Rica. Okay. Like

58:37

a whole fucking weekend. I'm like, I got peanut

58:39

butter. Yeah. It's actually a pretty good deal. I

58:41

mean, I probably shouldn't even ... but they're like,

58:43

come to Costa Rica, it's for an animal shelter.

58:46

And do what? They're like,

58:48

you have to post content

58:51

that's positive about the animal shelter.

58:54

It's like, did you kill

58:56

a bunch of ... like why do you

58:58

need this? Why you? Yeah. Why me? And

59:00

then also like why ... like what is

59:02

an animal shelter? Like they're like, we got

59:04

to be famous. I guess they need donations.

59:08

But I have no idea. I think they just have some

59:10

person that's reaching out to a bunch of people.

59:12

I guess. I got ... They

59:14

could have just asked me for money. I probably would have given it to them.

59:16

But now I'm like, ah, these hotel ... Don't be giving money away.

59:19

You have no money. What? You

59:21

have no money. That's deductible. Oh.

59:24

I mean, I think they max out those charitable contributions. See,

59:26

the big problem is I don't really understand. My

59:28

thinking is always, how do we get

59:31

the deductions up? Am I

59:33

reportable income down? So I'm

59:35

spending basically ... I write off

59:37

every tattoo, every sweater, every

59:39

sock. You probably don't want to say

59:41

that publicly. Really?

59:44

Yeah. Because you absolutely ... there's

59:46

... I guarantee you there

59:48

is not a single circumstance

59:51

in which tattoos are a

59:53

deductible expense. They

59:56

show on stage. Yeah.

59:59

Even ... They like that. Even then even like

1:00:01

the wardrobe stuff it would have to be it's like

1:00:03

yeah It's like that. I think the wardrobe has to

1:00:05

be if I didn't go on stage I would wear nothing

1:00:07

I would wear what you're wearing I know but you

1:00:09

would have to be like it has it would

1:00:11

have to be like you you're playing a woman

1:00:14

Like a woman called white sweater. I'm playing I

1:00:16

have to be in public which I would never be without Look,

1:00:19

this is all based on shit Somebody told like

1:00:22

a comic told me in a green room and

1:00:24

when I was 20 where they're like no

1:00:26

gym memberships No clothes, no haircuts. No

1:00:28

groceries. Wow. Those are like the four.

1:00:30

I don't write off groceries uber rides

1:00:33

Uber rides for sure, but you're always doing you

1:00:35

know, like I mean, I gotta take an uber

1:00:37

here. This is work So yeah, I don't have

1:00:39

to in fact these days I take the train

1:00:42

more than anything I like I've gotten back into

1:00:44

the train. Yeah, me too. Yeah, it's nice. I

1:00:46

was doing only ubers It got crazy. I think for

1:00:48

a minute what ubers the train

1:00:50

I think that was why we all mellowed out It was

1:00:52

getting a little annoying like there'd just be some guy just like

1:00:55

Neck it like on your face Yeah Come

1:00:57

on I've never been bothered by the people

1:00:59

on the train the train is annoying because

1:01:01

the schedules get fucked up and you

1:01:03

don't like sometimes I get

1:01:05

I've in the in the last 10 years I've had

1:01:07

multiple periods of and back before I made money when

1:01:10

I was done with the train when I'm like I'm

1:01:12

not taking The train anymore. I just fucking walk. Yeah,

1:01:14

like I remember I would go to stand-up New York

1:01:17

to do like whatever like Kurt's podcast or

1:01:19

something And I would just walk from Chinatown.

1:01:21

I'd be like, okay the podcast that's seven.

1:01:23

So it's I should probably

1:01:25

leave by 345. That's the best and then yeah,

1:01:27

I would just walk a hundred blocks Yeah, I

1:01:30

see that from Brooklyn into the city just spots

1:01:32

because yeah I got fucked over like the first

1:01:34

time was like when I was brand new to

1:01:36

the city I got a like a check spot

1:01:38

at stand-up, New York and I was like, oh

1:01:41

that's important That's like a good club and

1:01:43

I left like two hours early

1:01:45

and I sat waiting at the Delancey and

1:01:47

Essex I mean and it turns into pandemonium

1:01:50

because the train doesn't show up and

1:01:52

then there's no information And then

1:01:54

people were like should I keep waiting and then you

1:01:56

end up waiting you wait 30 minutes 30 minutes pretty

1:01:58

much the cut-off and then you'll go

1:02:00

to another station and it ended up taking three and

1:02:02

a half hours to get there. Yeah.

1:02:05

From Chinatown. And then

1:02:07

I was, I missed the spot. Because

1:02:09

of the fucking trains. But that still happens. Sometimes the

1:02:11

train will just like, the train will just really fuck

1:02:13

you in the ass. Well, I think

1:02:15

now it's just... I

1:02:18

mean, eventually you just get to a point where you're

1:02:20

just the late person. But when I first moved

1:02:22

here, I think I was late for every single job I ever had

1:02:24

because of the train. And I just, it just is 100%. And

1:02:27

now you just go to the train 15 minutes early.

1:02:29

It's also crazy too when you're like, you move here

1:02:31

and you're like a young comic and you go do

1:02:33

like, mics and then you go home. And how long

1:02:35

the train takes at like 2am. From the

1:02:38

creek and the cave? From all the way

1:02:40

around? From the creek and the cave to

1:02:42

like, Bed-Stuy? It's, yeah. That's the exact... Yeah,

1:02:44

yeah, yeah. That would take forever. So

1:02:46

fucked up. Yeah, I mean, I would mostly just hang out at

1:02:48

the... That's why I stopped taking the train back then. I would

1:02:50

just go to Chinatown. I think, I think

1:02:53

we have to wrap this up because I drank too

1:02:55

much water and I'm about to piss myself. Okay. But,

1:02:58

catch Jordan this weekend in

1:03:01

Boston. Ed laughed Boston. I

1:03:03

watched the, I watched your special. It was with

1:03:06

my mother. Uh huh. And

1:03:08

we were losing our minds in my

1:03:11

bed giggling like schoolgirls. Oh.

1:03:13

My mom. That's cool. She's very mean. Shout

1:03:15

out mom. She watches it and she's like,

1:03:17

this is gay. And she said it was

1:03:19

gay? No, yours she loves. Oh,

1:03:21

yours she loves, but everything else she hates. Okay,

1:03:24

yeah. Dan Soder's special. Caroline

1:03:26

Picard, the Cajun queen, Catcher. I

1:03:29

was honestly, I would love to, I, this

1:03:32

is a sincere, let's gas Caroline up as

1:03:34

much as possible. Any 75 year old doing

1:03:36

anything, that's awesome. Yeah. You

1:03:38

know what's funny? I watched 80 for Brady the

1:03:40

other night. I hate Joe Biden. Yeah.

1:03:42

Not because I'm like a Republican or anything. It's

1:03:44

just like, something about him just sucks. And then

1:03:46

I realized I'm just being ageist. Yeah,

1:03:49

because I watched 80 for Brady. I'm like, oh, this

1:03:51

is what's going on in his mind. What's

1:03:54

80 for Brady? The movie about the four

1:03:56

80 year old women that want to fuck Tom

1:03:58

Brady. And then one of them. One

1:04:00

of them thinks she has cancer.

1:04:03

So she's like, well, I have to

1:04:05

spend all of our money to go

1:04:08

see the Super Bowl. Wait, is it real

1:04:10

or is it fake? It's based on a

1:04:12

true story about four women who were over

1:04:14

80 that watched the Patriots,

1:04:16

but they didn't fucking ever go to

1:04:18

the Super Bowl. It was

1:04:20

just like a local news story about, look at

1:04:22

these old-ass women watching the TV. And they love

1:04:25

the Patriots. And they made them see the group.

1:04:27

She had a group called Over 80 for Brady.

1:04:30

And then Tom Brady, when he was going

1:04:32

to retire, he produced this

1:04:34

movie. I don't know if he was the one

1:04:37

that optioned it and turned it into a screenplay.

1:04:39

But it came out in like, what, two years?

1:04:41

Tom Brady produced his own movie about old

1:04:43

people wanting to fuck him? Yes. That's insane.

1:04:45

Well, it was funny. I was watching it. I was watching it with my

1:04:47

girlfriend. And she was completely

1:04:50

unreceptive to this argument. Sometimes I

1:04:52

forget that I'm not podcasting when

1:04:54

I'm sitting in this. But it's

1:04:56

like, just imagine a movie called

1:05:00

Horny for Taylor. And

1:05:02

it's four 85-year-old men

1:05:04

that are like, we only have

1:05:07

one chance left to get pussy

1:05:09

off Taylor Swift. And

1:05:11

they all sit around watching Taylor Swift.

1:05:13

And they're like, look how good her

1:05:16

titties look. And

1:05:18

it's supposed to be heartwarming. Imagine that.

1:05:21

It's heartwarming? Yeah, it's heartwarming. I

1:05:23

mean, I did. I teared up. No, you did not.

1:05:25

No, I did, yeah. At what part? I feel

1:05:27

like the gum surgery broke the dam has

1:05:29

been loosened.

1:05:31

Because I didn't cry since Fast and Furious 6. It

1:05:34

was like 10 years ago. What is going on Fast and Furious 6?

1:05:37

Well, Paul Walker died in real life. And at the end

1:05:39

of the movie, he's like, I swear to Fastie

1:05:44

again. The song's playing. And

1:05:46

then the cars go different

1:05:48

ways. And Vin Diesel drives

1:05:50

into the next movie. And Paul Walker drives

1:05:52

to heaven. And

1:05:54

they put his face on. They

1:05:56

photoshopped his face on like a

1:05:58

different guy. I

1:06:00

was like goodbye dude. Then you're just

1:06:02

stopping for the first time in 20

1:06:05

years. I cried in the theater. But

1:06:08

that was, no, I was like 25 at the time. And I hadn't

1:06:10

cried. You know, and I had family

1:06:12

members die, friends die. And I tried, I would

1:06:14

like, I would show, I would like, and

1:06:17

it wouldn't happen. And then, and then

1:06:19

yeah, just that week with the gum

1:06:21

surgery and stuff because it was like,

1:06:24

I feel like. An 80 year old's being

1:06:26

like, we're gonna go gang bang. Well, I feel like

1:06:28

I've been backed up. What happened, I think,

1:06:30

when I was 26, things

1:06:33

started to change. Things started to take off. And

1:06:35

then, because my perspective at

1:06:37

the time is I'd been in comedy for

1:06:39

10 years and I did the things you

1:06:42

were supposed to do. And when I

1:06:44

moved to New York, I moved to New York feeling like I already failed

1:06:46

a comedy. I kind of just wanted to live in New York. And

1:06:48

then, like, there would be little things here and there.

1:06:50

But like, when Come Town started to take off, I

1:06:53

like tensed up, because it's like, okay,

1:06:55

I gotta hold on. Oh yeah. And

1:06:58

then, I think that that,

1:07:00

and then other things like becoming a public

1:07:03

figure, that's weird. And then

1:07:05

you just, I feel like I became very

1:07:07

emotionally reserved. And then, yeah, just having the

1:07:09

week off and getting the gum surgery, it

1:07:11

was like the first time I like, because

1:07:14

I haven't had a physical in a decade. I

1:07:16

haven't like, I hadn't got my teeth cleaned in

1:07:18

like four years. I think it's that you have

1:07:21

a girlfriend that you like who's cool. Well, somebody

1:07:23

that, yeah, to just be vulnerable and then somebody

1:07:25

like, I've been in other relationships.

1:07:27

I mean, certainly like having

1:07:30

support, I guess. I

1:07:32

did not think I was gonna like her. And then she walked up to

1:07:34

me and I took a bite of a tiny mini candy.

1:07:37

And I was like eating it and she was like looking at it.

1:07:39

She was like looking at it like this. And I was like, do

1:07:41

you want the other half? And she was like,

1:07:44

yeah, can I? And I was like 100%. And I was like,

1:07:46

okay, I'm all in on this. Yeah. But

1:07:49

anyways, yeah, no, I did tear up

1:07:51

at the part in 80 for Brady,

1:07:53

where you think that Lily Tomlin has

1:07:55

cancer, but this is the most, first

1:07:57

of all, fuck this movie. It's funny,

1:07:59

whatever. I don't wish I wish it on too

1:08:01

hard because it is good as a movie nobody

1:08:03

is gonna come after you for sitting on it

1:08:05

Nobody will see it. I don't know who wrote

1:08:07

it morally It could

1:08:10

be a friend. Tom Brady. It

1:08:12

sounds like yeah, well, but morally

1:08:14

it's like it's these Creepy

1:08:16

old women that want to fuck somebody

1:08:18

a quarter of their age. Yeah, Tom

1:08:21

Brady Tom Brady is basically a child

1:08:23

Yeah, and if we're like all things

1:08:25

equal Tom Brady as a

1:08:27

what is he 38? Well,

1:08:30

you gotta be something like 40 40 years old.

1:08:32

Okay, then you think that's an adult, but these women

1:08:34

are 80, right? So they're

1:08:37

they're basically subway Jared in this. Yeah.

1:08:39

Yeah, I agree and Then

1:08:44

the movie I mean it is a comedy But

1:08:46

like that all that's happening the entire time is

1:08:48

they go to the Super Bowl and they're surprising

1:08:50

everyone because they're just better at

1:08:53

everything than everyone Like

1:08:55

don't like like one of them is like,

1:08:57

oh she eats edibles and then winds up

1:08:59

in a poker game with Patton Oswalt Yeah

1:09:04

And stuff she's in this poker game and she's just

1:09:06

like oh she's beat They don't think she's gonna

1:09:08

win, but she's beating all of them at poker She's

1:09:11

the best at poker and then

1:09:13

there's a game where you throw football

1:09:15

and no other old ladies like beating

1:09:17

this like athletic You know young man,

1:09:19

and then there's a hot wings eating

1:09:21

contest and Sally Field is all she's

1:09:23

eating How would nobody else can eat

1:09:25

the hot wings except her? It's just

1:09:27

like Sally Field

1:09:29

isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this is devastating

1:09:31

So that's the same idea over and over

1:09:33

again. It's like people are going to under

1:09:36

all this 80 year old woman can't do

1:09:38

anything It's like oh, she's the best at

1:09:40

the monster truck rally that we have she

1:09:42

said that and then eventually they go into

1:09:44

the I guess like the

1:09:46

the like like the Coordinators

1:09:48

box or whatever and then they're like

1:09:51

calling the plays themselves and they're the

1:09:53

reason that they won the

1:09:55

Super Bowl in 2017 is

1:09:57

the Patriots and one of them has cancer, but she doesn't She

1:10:00

doesn't even have cancer. That's the premise of the

1:10:02

movie is like, it starts

1:10:04

off, first of all, it's like the

1:10:06

first 15, like the whole

1:10:08

first act occurs in just a living room. And

1:10:10

they keep jumping back and forth in time because

1:10:13

they were like, let's just bang this all out

1:10:15

in one day. So we'll do a couple of

1:10:17

costume changes. But so they're sitting there and

1:10:20

it starts out, they're

1:10:22

already watching the Patriots. And it's like, how

1:10:24

did this start? And it was like, it

1:10:26

was 10 years ago. I

1:10:29

was finishing up my chemo therapy.

1:10:31

And the TV got stuck and

1:10:33

they couldn't like turn, change the

1:10:35

channel, the remote stopped working. And

1:10:38

they're like, oh, football, turn it off,

1:10:40

turn it off, we need to watch

1:10:43

a woman getting murdered. Like

1:10:45

whatever they needed to see. And

1:10:47

then Tom Brady comes on the TV and they're like,

1:10:51

oh, let's suck his penis. And

1:10:53

then they're just lusting after him. And then

1:10:55

they get into football from the lusting. And

1:10:59

then so this is 10 years later. And

1:11:02

then they're watching it. And then there's

1:11:04

like a contest to win

1:11:06

tickets to the Super Bowl. And

1:11:09

like Lily Tomlin plays the one who

1:11:11

had cancer. She's like, what if we

1:11:13

went to the Super Bowl? And then

1:11:15

she buys tickets and then there's a

1:11:18

contest, but she buys the tickets and

1:11:20

tells her friends she won the tickets.

1:11:22

Unbeknownst to them, she's gotten more like

1:11:24

test up, more medical screening. And she

1:11:27

got a letter from the Oncology Center.

1:11:30

I'm like, and all them like, and then

1:11:32

what? She got a letter from the Oncology

1:11:34

Center and they've been trying to

1:11:36

call her, but she doesn't want to pick up the phone

1:11:38

because it could be bad. Tom Brady. Well, it could be

1:11:40

bad news. So she won't open

1:11:43

the letter from the Oncology Center. She hasn't

1:11:45

told her friends. And so

1:11:47

then like, you know, you kind of get the

1:11:49

sense that like they present you with the idea

1:11:51

that this woman knows her cancer is returned. She's

1:11:53

going to die. She can't go through the chemo

1:11:55

again. She just wants to take her friends out

1:11:58

for one kind of like last hurrah. memorable

1:12:00

experience. That's very sweet. But

1:12:03

then you watch all this and eventually they're like, why

1:12:05

wouldn't you just just open the letters? He's like, I'm worried

1:12:07

it'd be something bad and I don't know. And they're

1:12:09

like, and at this point they've lost

1:12:11

the tickets and they got to find the tickets again.

1:12:13

And then they finally get in and they're in the

1:12:15

skybox and then they're the reason that they win the

1:12:17

Super Bowl. And then at

1:12:20

the end it's like, oh and she

1:12:22

doesn't even have cancer. It's like,

1:12:24

well no, now you have to

1:12:26

die. Because yeah, like all... You

1:12:28

fuck the kids. Even cancer aside,

1:12:31

you're 85 years old. You've

1:12:33

already gotten more. It's time to die. You have to die.

1:12:35

I'm not watching a movie about old people. More than

1:12:38

most people. Did one

1:12:40

of them die? One of them

1:12:42

dies. No. None of them die.

1:12:44

Sally Field, Sally Field, her character

1:12:47

is married. Her character

1:12:49

is married to Bob Balaban in the movie. And

1:12:52

then they're like, oh look how

1:12:54

boring Bob Balaban is. Meanwhile, she's

1:12:56

75 years old. You know, it's like...

1:12:58

Likely her husband would be dead. Yeah, well, you

1:13:00

know, because he's like, he's like, can you give

1:13:02

me notes on my paper that I wrote or

1:13:04

whatever. He wants notes and she's like, I don't

1:13:07

have time for this. You know. Meanwhile, her husband

1:13:09

is a fully functioning 80 year

1:13:11

old. Yeah, he's writing books. Right. So she won't give

1:13:13

him notes in the books. She goes and

1:13:15

then she's like trying to cheat on him. With

1:13:18

Tom Brady? No,

1:13:21

it's kind of like she wants to get

1:13:23

better at flirting, I guess. It's like it's a

1:13:25

way to get this joke in there about like

1:13:27

nagging or something. I don't

1:13:29

know. At a certain point, something happened. Either

1:13:31

someone called or a diarrhea, but I left.

1:13:34

I went to the bathroom and I missed

1:13:36

a chunk of it. But they're in

1:13:38

the Uber ride and

1:13:40

she's like, I never got a chance to

1:13:42

flirt. And then she tries hating on the

1:13:44

Uber driver. She's like, oh

1:13:46

you have a nice head. She says that to him. You

1:13:49

have a nice head. Imagine if

1:13:52

you tried to do this with me with the movie Face Off. Would

1:13:55

describe the movie Face Off? Verbatim. Well, Face

1:13:57

Off is a masterpiece. It really is. Yeah.

1:14:00

told me about it and I watched it. Oh really?

1:14:02

Yeah. See I don't remember that. Yeah I love

1:14:04

face off. And then I rewatched. You remember

1:14:06

what the joke was that that old lady said in the

1:14:08

over, but you can't remember. Tell

1:14:10

conversations I've had. Oh I thought you might, you

1:14:12

don't remember the movie Face Off. No I remember

1:14:14

the movie Face Off. I don't remember any podcast

1:14:16

I've ever done ever. Yeah, yeah.

1:14:18

It's a blur. But you can picture

1:14:21

movies. Of course. To finish. Cause

1:14:23

it's a story. It's not just some stupid fucking

1:14:25

conversation I'm supposed to have. Yeah.

1:14:30

I'll ask you off the bus. What? Well

1:14:32

I was- And thanks guys. Thanks for

1:14:35

joining us this week. I have to

1:14:37

piss so bad. Okay go. And my

1:14:39

weekend recommendation, 80 for Brady. Nice double

1:14:41

feature. 80 for Brady. And then a

1:14:43

bunch of Caroline Picard clips. Subscribe

1:14:46

to my YouTube for the death joke. And

1:14:48

I'll say this, it's sort of a palate cleanser

1:14:50

for Joe Biden. Everyone hates Joe Biden. He's making

1:14:52

old people look bad. But

1:14:55

you can- He's not that, did you see

1:14:57

the Golden Bachelor, that guy? The

1:15:00

Bachelor. They chose an old ass bachelor

1:15:02

and he is 100% autistic. He's

1:15:05

just teeth. I want

1:15:07

love. I've never really watched a bachelor. And I'm

1:15:09

not like, I'm not like, I'm not

1:15:11

watching the bachelor. I'm not doing that. I've been

1:15:13

to like bachelor parties where people watch the bachelor.

1:15:15

And I sit there and I try to watch

1:15:18

it. I genuinely do not get

1:15:20

the appeal. And it's like, I

1:15:22

mean, like people are like, oh, it's

1:15:24

easy to get into. You can have

1:15:26

people over. But why the bachelor? Why

1:15:28

not Guy's Grocery Games? Why not any

1:15:30

reality show? What is it about the

1:15:32

bachelor that makes it- Because it's a competition

1:15:34

with a bunch of insane people. And at

1:15:37

the end, they are forced to get married.

1:15:41

Why not Guy's Grocery Games? It's

1:15:44

the same exact thing. It's

1:15:46

not the same thing. One is like forever and it's this

1:15:48

fake thing. And then the girls get in fights. I used

1:15:50

to be against it, but then I watched it with the

1:15:52

roommates and you get into it. You get attached to one character.

1:15:54

I watched an episode the other night and it's like, she told me

1:15:56

this aired in 2003. I wouldn't know.

1:15:59

It's just a guy being like- Yeah, when we

1:16:01

had when we had sandwiches the other day, I

1:16:03

was like, you know, it's like probably

1:16:05

the best Take one

1:16:07

of my most amazing afternoons in my entire life

1:16:09

Yeah But then they kiss and it's this insane kiss where one

1:16:12

of them is biting the other one's tongue and they don't know

1:16:14

how to do It and you're like, oh that I'm so

1:16:16

glad you said that because I was like really feeling

1:16:18

that also there was also What

1:16:21

are we talking about? I

1:16:23

like when in the middle of the bachelor they cut to an animal just

1:16:25

like even the events Like

1:16:27

I just watched they did like axe throwing is

1:16:30

that even a thing anymore I feel like

1:16:32

no the entire middle of the compound the

1:16:34

whole show is the other end of the

1:16:36

country is just a Wasteland of empty craft

1:16:38

breweries and shut down axe throwing places. Yeah

1:16:41

places like called wedge and spackle or whatever

1:16:43

And then every town it's all just homeless

1:16:45

people and one guy who has a Tesla.

1:16:47

Yeah There's a guy that goes

1:16:49

around it with in the Tesla like Mad Max. I

1:16:52

hate Tesla's. They're everywhere. Yeah I hate

1:16:54

that one. I guess did they want

1:16:56

you on one dude every time I have to push that

1:16:58

button To get out. It's

1:17:00

crazy. I hate the way that makes me feel

1:17:02

I get hostile immediately Yeah, the stupid button that

1:17:04

says this is how the door opens. Just have

1:17:06

a door. Just have a hand I don't know

1:17:08

anytime new but now I sound like the woman with the

1:17:10

rodeo phone A

1:17:14

Tesla fuck you bitch. I'm

1:17:17

a boy now bought in you want

1:17:19

me to push out bar It's right

1:17:21

taking the dog sled to fucking church

1:17:23

asshole fucking

1:17:26

bull shit Tesla I

1:17:28

think I'll tell you I wipe

1:17:30

my fucking ass with it motherfucker.

1:17:33

I mean it's literally You

1:17:37

said dog for so long yeah Dog

1:17:40

sled, I mean that's like that to be

1:17:42

fair. That is 90% of a certain era

1:17:44

of Texas comedy It's

1:17:48

saying like oh That's why

1:17:50

black comics are like I can do an hour and a

1:17:52

half because they're just there just and you Think

1:17:56

um is there syllables are just drawn out. I

1:17:58

think that's what it is. Yeah It's

1:18:01

hot! I've got a hot... Well

1:18:03

they all kind of...it's like Ron White started it. Ron White

1:18:05

was a first guy. Ron White the other day did you

1:18:07

see the thing where he was like... I

1:18:09

feel bad. But he was like, my mom

1:18:12

just died. She was 69 years old. What?

1:18:14

What? What? What? What? What?

1:18:18

What? What? What? How

1:18:20

is that possible? He looks like 106. I

1:18:22

know I sent it to my friend and I was like, so he was

1:18:24

like, negative 20. What? I

1:18:27

think he just missed...he must have been with me.

1:18:29

Must have been wasted. He was like, she was 69

1:18:31

years old. So just

1:18:33

wanted to let you guys know. I watched it and I was

1:18:35

like, this is a bit...I look at all the comments.

1:18:37

Everybody's like...everybody's like, my condolences. One person's like, what? And

1:18:40

then everybody else is like, just shut the fuck up. It

1:18:43

was crazy. He looks 109

1:18:45

in the video. She was 69 years

1:18:47

old. No, because he can't possibly be...

1:18:50

He is like...he is like 60. Yeah. He's

1:18:53

got to be 60 years old. There's

1:18:55

no way... He just missed the boat,

1:18:57

I think. But

1:19:00

what was he trying to say? Your mom didn't die? That was what

1:19:02

I... You have to

1:19:05

watch it because he's like in the camera like...

1:19:07

Like he's telling a secret. Like

1:19:10

he's like, I just want you guys to know my mom died

1:19:12

last night. 69 years old. So

1:19:14

just thought you guys would want to know that. Which

1:19:16

why would everybody want to know that? But the 69...he didn't look

1:19:18

at it back at all and it was crazy. Poor

1:19:21

guy. That's got to suck. Because you

1:19:23

would think like...when you're younger, you're like, oh, I hope my parents

1:19:27

don't like die when you're young. Which

1:19:31

is tragic. But like... When

1:19:34

you're old... No matter what, it's always

1:19:36

going to suck when your parents die. But now

1:19:38

you're just disgusting. You're old and gross. I

1:19:43

know. Now you almost look like you're a bad

1:19:45

person for not putting your mom down earlier. Anyways,

1:19:51

thanks for joining us. We will

1:19:53

be back next week with a special guest.

1:19:56

Me? No.

1:19:58

Actually, no. I'll tell you after this show. Okay. Yeah,

1:20:00

it'll be fun. Adam's gonna be gone, so I'm gonna do

1:20:02

it without telling him on Saturday. I'm gonna find you that

1:20:04

video, bro. Alright, thanks everybody. If I said

1:20:06

anything bad or weird, I'm sorry. Please

1:20:11

don't harass any of the people

1:20:13

that I mentioned. Please

1:20:16

just enjoy this as a podcast and then

1:20:18

go about your day. Please don't think

1:20:20

anything more of it. Please

1:20:22

maybe at most either say, well, that's not

1:20:24

really funny, and then turn it off, or

1:20:26

chuckle a little bit, but then move on.

1:20:29

Just move on, please. Thank

1:20:31

you.