0:03

This is The Illusionist, in

0:05

which I, Helen Zaltzman, fly language

0:08

to the moon, and let language play among the

0:10

stars, then call language in, because it's dinner

0:12

time. Today we're going on a journey

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to space, space, space, space,

0:17

without taking a single step. Content

0:19

note. There are mentions of ancient

0:21

Greek and Roman deities and their terrible

0:24

sexual behaviours and violent vengeance. Also,

0:27

brace yourself for one category B

0:29

swear and one category C swear.

0:32

The kind of swears you might encounter in a fairly

0:34

mainstream sitcom, or that you might use

0:36

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with the show.

1:41

If you ever wondered, why are the planets

1:43

in our solar system all named after Roman

1:46

deities, except for two of them?

1:48

One of those two exceptions is Earth,

1:51

which means, well, Earth.

1:54

And it doesn't fit the system because it wasn't

1:56

formally discovered by humans. It

1:58

was where they were already known. already were, so

2:01

when they started identifying planets thousands

2:03

of years ago, they hadn't yet counted Earth

2:05

as one. And the other exception

2:08

is Uranus.

2:10

Let's go through them in turn. Mercury, named

2:13

after the ancient Roman speedy messenger god because

2:16

it looks like it's moving really quickly, orbits

2:18

the sun in just 88 Earth days. Next

2:20

is Venus, the brightest planet, so they

2:23

named it after the Roman goddess of love. Then

2:26

there's Earth, named after that thing that we're

2:28

sitting on. Then Mars, because it's

2:30

red and red is angry like the god

2:32

of war Mars. Then there's Dad of Mars,

2:34

Jupiter. And Jupiter's the biggest planet

2:37

in the solar system, so they thought it fitting to name

2:39

it after the king of the gods. And

2:41

then there's Saturn, Dad of Jupiter.

2:44

Then Uranus, more on him and on. Then

2:46

Neptune, which is bluish, so named

2:49

after the god of the sea. And Pluto

2:51

was named after the god of the underworld in 1930

2:53

by an English 11 year old Venetia

2:56

Burnley, whose granddad knew someone

2:58

who knew someone in the planet bits. Pluto

3:01

was named the year before the Disney dog of the

3:03

same name. I don't even want to

3:05

get into whether Pluto counts as a planet

3:07

or not, because I want

3:09

to talk about Uranus. Do you pronounce

3:12

it Uranus or Uranus? Because

3:14

I was raised on Uranus.

3:17

Even in the 1990s it seemed like people really

3:19

trying to get Uranus to take off. But

3:22

I think Uranus seems to have prevailed.

3:25

And Uranus is a pretty cool planet. Well

3:27

it's a pretty cold planet, coldest in the

3:29

solar system.

3:31

It's the only planet to roll like a ball

3:33

rather than spin around. Scientists

3:35

think that on Uranus it rains diamonds,

3:38

huge diamonds, millions of carats,

3:41

bigger than bears. Bears

3:43

is the unit of measurement on Uranus.

3:45

Uranus has at least 13 rings

3:48

and at least 27 moons.

3:52

Uranus is 4 times

3:54

wider than Earth. Uranus

3:56

is very windy, up to 900 km

3:58

per hour.

3:59

per hour. Uranus

4:02

means the rainmaker, from a root

4:04

word that means rain or moisture, also

4:07

crops up in the Sanskrit for rain and the Greek

4:09

for

4:09

urine. Uranus has

4:11

got a lot going for it really, except

4:14

its name is a little tricky.

4:24

This is a song for

4:26

Uranus, pronouncing

4:30

it as dangerous. Some say

4:32

Uranus, is that better? Or

4:36

does it just sound wetter?

4:38

He's the god of rain, not the

4:41

god of piss. Why

4:43

does everyone take the

4:45

mickey? No

4:49

other planets endure

4:51

this, being a bumhole

4:53

or a wiz. Although Uranus

4:56

is a ringed planet covered in methane

4:58

and ammonia so it does really lend itself

5:00

to bumhole and wiz, sorry. Uranus

5:03

was the first planet discovered with a telescope.

5:06

It was too far for the naked eye to tell that

5:08

it's a planet, not a star. Astronomer

5:11

William Herschel is credited with

5:13

discovering Uranus in 1781.

5:16

Other people had noticed Uranus

5:18

before, quite a lot of them actually, over

5:20

the previous 2000 years.

5:23

But it's William Herschel who gets the credit somehow,

5:26

even though he thought it was a comet.

5:28

Oh look, a comet. And he wrote about

5:30

it to fellow astronomer Neville Maskeline

5:33

who said, well do you see a tail on it William?

5:35

No! If it's orbiting the sun like

5:37

a planet and doesn't have a tail on it like

5:39

a planet, it's probably a planet.

5:43

Nevertheless Herschel was like, nah,

5:45

comet, comet, comet, comet, comet. But

5:47

other astronomers carried on studying this planet

5:50

like it was a planet so a couple of years later

5:52

Herschel was like, okay fine,

5:54

it's a planet. William Herschel

5:56

wanted to name it George's star

5:59

after George's star.

5:59

the third, king of Great Britain and Ireland,

6:02

who's already a king, there's loads of stuff

6:05

named after him. And Starr is not even

6:07

accurate for a planet, Herschel really was not

6:09

doing his best work was he, although he did

6:11

supposedly coin the term asteroid.

6:15

Why was William Herschel so hot

6:17

for King George the third, when he hadn't even

6:19

seen Hamilton? Well,

6:21

he wanted to name the planet after his

6:24

boss. King George had appointed

6:26

William Herschel court astronomer and

6:28

offered him £200 a year to relocate to the town

6:30

of Windsor so the

6:36

king could look through the telescopes

6:38

whenever he wants.

6:40

That is the equivalent of a modern day £24,000

6:42

a year to uproot your whole life to be

6:44

the king's 24-7 telescope bitch,

6:52

what an offer. I'll give you less

6:54

than the modern equivalent of the average national

6:57

salary in Britain

6:59

to move where I am, live

7:01

in my orbit, and you

7:04

let me use your telescopes

7:06

whenever I want. You

7:11

are welcome, for

7:14

I am the sun, and you are

7:16

the earth. No wait,

7:17

I want

7:19

to be the earth.

7:21

I am the earth. You are

7:24

the earth. And you are the

7:26

moon. No wait, I want to be the moon, it's so shiny.

7:30

Fine, you

7:32

are the moon. I am

7:35

the moon, and the earth, and the

7:37

sun, and you are

7:39

a speck of dust orbiting

7:42

me. Give me your telescopes.

7:45

What are my telescopes? Yes,

7:48

because I want them. But

7:50

you're rich enough to buy your own

7:52

telescopes. Well that's not the point.

7:54

It's never the point. That

7:56

is never the point. astronomers

8:00

thought, rightly, that naming a planet

8:03

after King George III was

8:05

a bit anglo-centric? Hmmm,

8:08

really?

8:09

It's already pretty Euro-centric that the planet

8:11

names are most the Roman deities,

8:14

a lot of other cultures, not all, but a

8:16

lot, just translated them into

8:18

their languages. Eventually,

8:20

the astronomer Johann Bode suggested

8:23

naming this planet Uranus, because

8:26

planet naming is a dynasty for the planets

8:28

further from the Sun than Earth. There's

8:30

Mars, then Mars' dad Jupiter,

8:33

then Jupiter's dad Saturn, then

8:36

Saturn's dad is Kailas. Why

8:38

did Bode not go for

8:39

Kailas?

8:40

To give us this gift?

8:42

He opted for the ancient Greek equivalent

8:45

of Saturn's father, whose name was Auranos,

8:47

and it got Latinised

8:48

as Uranus. So who

8:50

would be next in this system? Who's

8:53

Uranus' parent? Supposedly

8:55

Gaia, who is Earth, which

8:58

messes up the planet family order, because

9:00

Earth is already taken way up the solar

9:02

system. Uranus also

9:05

had children with Gaia, so

9:07

it's really just best not to keep

9:09

looking into that family tree. This

9:12

is a song for Uranus

9:16

for a long time. It was

9:18

nameless,

9:19

George's star. Well, well,

9:22

no thank you. Don't just name

9:24

it after your boss, you sicker fan.

9:26

You

9:27

other astronomers suggested

9:30

naming it Herschel.

9:32

Oh, he doesn't deserve it. I'll call

9:34

it Wonka.

9:37

But no, it's Auranos,

9:40

big daddy of the Greek

9:42

gods. Uranus

9:47

had a complicated family life. The

9:49

Greek gods so often seemed to have incredibly

9:52

toxic relationships, and he

9:54

was a really shit dad. Uranus

9:57

was an absolute asshole. Every

10:01

night the sky, which was of course

10:03

him, would cover the earth, which

10:06

was Gaia. Cover means sex

10:08

times for ancient gods. Gaia

10:10

and Uranus had a lot of children together,

10:13

at least 18, including three

10:15

cyclopses, twelve titans and

10:17

three Hecaton Chires, who were giants

10:19

with 100 hands each. But

10:22

Uranus hated all of his children. Every

10:25

time Gaia gave birth to another one, Uranus

10:28

would take the child and hide them somewhere. Now

10:31

mate, a lot of people don't enjoy spending

10:33

time with their own children, but that's one of the risks

10:35

you're signing up for by having them. After 18

10:39

children, Gaia finally got

10:41

terminally pissed off at Uranus. She

10:43

made a sharp sickle out of Adamantine

10:46

and gave it to her sons and asked them

10:48

to go and castrate their father.

10:51

Those poor kids, their mother, who is

10:53

also their grandmother, asked them

10:55

to maim their absentee father.

10:58

The ancient Greek gods haven't had as much traction

11:00

with worshipers during the last couple of millennia, and

11:03

hopefully it's because they're all off having therapy.

11:05

Only one of Gaia's children was willing

11:08

to do it, the youngest titan, Cronos.

11:10

He castrated Uranus and

11:13

threw the testicles into the sea. And

11:15

guess what? Uranus's

11:18

blood and amputated testicles,

11:20

begot yet more children. From

11:23

the testicles came forth Orania Aphrodite,

11:26

and from the blood were born the giants, the

11:28

astronyms and the furies. Yeah,

11:31

the goddesses of vengeance. Uranus

11:33

didn't come down to Earth anymore after that, if

11:35

you're ever

11:35

wondering how the sky and the Earth broke up.

11:43

This is a song for

11:46

Uranus. His

11:48

story is outrageous.

11:51

By his son he was

11:53

castrated. Testicles

11:56

defenestrated into

11:59

the sea. Where they begat

12:02

yet more kids, imagine

12:04

that! Giants,

12:09

nymphs and furies,

12:12

all from a

12:14

detached set

12:17

of ghoulies.

12:31

We're just going to take a quick break for ads.

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And now, back to the show. Thank

14:51

you for calling the Planet Naming hotline.

14:54

If you know the extension number you need, please

14:56

say it now. Uranus. I'm

15:01

sorry, that is not a valid extension number.

15:04

Transferring you to the full menu. Please

15:06

listen carefully to the following options. For

15:09

Planet Naming, say 1. For

15:12

Constellations, say 2. For

15:14

Asteroids, say 3. For

15:17

Comets, say 4. For Moon

15:20

Craters, say 5. For

15:22

Lost Property, press the star key.

15:25

I want to name Uranus. I'm

15:27

sorry, that is not a valid selection.

15:29

Please listen carefully to the following options.

15:32

For Planet Naming, say 1. You

15:35

have selected 1, Planet Naming. Is

15:38

that correct? Yes. Okay,

15:41

you would like to name a planet. First,

15:44

please check that what you think is a planet

15:47

is not actually a comet. Yes.

15:50

Does the planet you wish to name have a

15:52

tail? If you're not

15:54

sure, comet is derived from the ancient

15:56

Greek for long hair. Does your

15:58

planet look like it has hair? Uranus

16:01

has hair. If it has hair,

16:03

it sounds like you're trying to name a comet. Please

16:06

hold while we transfer you to the costume department.

16:09

No, no, no. You've

16:19

reached the comet naming department. What comet did

16:22

you want to name? Oh, I'm

16:24

sorry. I'm here by mistake. Can you transfer me back

16:26

to the planet naming department? Oh,

16:28

did you get sent here because you said Uranus

16:30

has hair? No.

16:34

But did you though? Yes.

16:40

Ugh, God. Thank

16:48

you for calling the planet naming hotline.

16:51

If you know the extension number you need, please

16:54

say it now. I'm

16:56

sorry. That is not a valid extension number.

16:59

Transferring you to the full menu. Please

17:01

listen carefully to the following options. For

17:04

planet naming, say 1. For

17:07

constellations, say 2. You have selected 1.

17:10

Planet naming. Is that correct? Yes.

17:13

Okay.

17:14

You would like to name a planet.

17:16

First, please check that what you think

17:18

is a planet is not actually a comet.

17:21

It's not a comet. It's

17:23

not a comet. Okay. You have

17:25

confirmed it is not a comet.

17:27

Now check that what you think is a planet is

17:30

not just a blob of dirt on your telescope lens. Is

17:33

it a blob of dirt on your telescope lens? If

17:35

yes, say 1. Is that on Uranus? If no,

17:37

I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Uranus

17:40

is dirty. I'm sorry. I didn't

17:42

catch that. I said Uranus is dirty.

17:45

No, it's fine. I can guess.

17:47

If your planet is a blob of dirt on your

17:49

telescope lens, please say 1. If

17:53

your planet is not a blob of dirt on your telescope lens, please

17:55

say 2. Okay. You

17:58

have confirmed. You're

18:00

a blob of dirt. How

18:03

do I... Okay.

18:10

Oh. How

18:13

do I...? Oh,

18:22

I can check. Okay.

18:33

Okay then. It's a big planet. Big,

18:35

huge planet. No.

18:40

Two. No. Two.

18:42

Uranus

18:45

is eccentric. Oh.

18:52

Okay. Yep.

18:58

One. Uranus

19:09

is round. Uranus is round.

19:26

Oh. Ooh.

19:35

Dominate my orbital zone, mate.

19:39

Oh no. What?

19:51

Yes.

19:59

committee or PDC of

20:02

the International Astronomical Union or

20:04

IAU. Have you submitted

20:06

your suggested name for your planet to the relevant

20:09

task force of the Working Group

20:11

Planetary System Nomenclature or

20:14

WGPSN part of

20:16

the International Astronomical Union or IAU

20:18

founded in 1919 to foster international cooperation

20:22

and collaboration in astronomy and

20:24

to avoid duplicate names of astronomical

20:27

objects or any silly or obscene names

20:30

before the names become planet official

20:33

all planet names must be approved by the

20:35

Working Group for Planetary System Nomenclature

20:37

or WGPSN.

20:40

Have you had your name approved by the Working

20:43

Group for Planetary System Nomenclature

20:46

or WGPSN?

20:48

Wait I can just go online now and submit

20:50

it. The approval process takes several

20:53

months minimum. Okay then yes I have had

20:55

the name approved. Are you sure? Definitely.

20:58

Okay what name do

21:00

you want to give to your planet? Uranus.

21:02

Speak after the tone.

21:06

Uranus. Uranus.

21:09

I'm sorry there's already a planet called

21:12

Uranus.

21:13

The International Astronomical Union

21:15

or IAU forbids duplicate

21:17

planet names. What name that is

21:20

not Uranus?

21:21

Did you want to give to your planet?

21:26

I'm sorry I did not hear your answer.

21:28

What

21:28

name do you want to give your planet

21:31

that isn't Uranus?

21:33

Or Uranus? Uranus

21:36

face? No.

21:38

Five, four, three,

21:40

two, one. I don't know

21:43

I don't know I'm sorry.

21:45

Did you just call to say the word Uranus?

21:48

If the answer is yes say one.

21:51

If the answer is no say two. Two?

21:56

Are you lying? If the answer is

21:58

yes say one.

22:00

If the answer is no, say 2.

22:04

Did you just call to say the word Uranus?

22:07

If the answer is yes, say 1.

22:10

If the answer is no, say 2.

22:12

Do

22:15

you still want to say the word Uranus?

22:18

If the answer is yes, say 1. If

22:21

the answer is no, say 2. Do

22:24

you promise never to do this again? If

22:27

the answer is yes, say 1.

22:29

If the answer is no,

22:31

say 2. Thank

22:34

you. Goodbye. Pre-portioned,

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coveting one of their Diamante hair clips that says

24:41

feelings. And they have a

24:43

whole new line of products in collaboration

24:46

with Barbie to get your head ready for

24:48

the cinematic event of 2023,

24:51

including hair clips, heatless curlers

24:53

and satin pillowcases. Right

24:56

now, Kitsch is offering you 30% off your entire

24:59

order at mykitsch.com

25:01

slash illusionist. That's right. 30% off

25:04

anything

25:05

and everything, including feelings

25:07

at mykitsch, spelled M-Y-K-I-T-S-C-H

25:12

dot com slash illusionist. One

25:14

more time, mykitsch.com slash illusionist

25:16

for 30% off your order.

25:26

Hark back to the podlingual episode of this

25:28

show, wherein James Kim talked about

25:30

making fiction podcasts in multiple languages,

25:33

English and Korean in his case. Back

25:35

then, he was talking about his exquisite semi-autobiographical

25:38

series Moonface, which I very much recommend,

25:41

as I do his new project You Feeling

25:43

This, a fiction podcast mixtape

25:45

set in Los Angeles. Like Moonface,

25:47

it's very beautiful and emotional and sounds

25:50

amazing. And it's out in the pod places

25:52

on the 27th of June, so

25:54

go add You Feeling This to your

25:56

playlists. The

26:00

Illusionist will be taking a break in July to

26:02

gather more grist for the pod mill, but

26:05

while the show is on a break, the Illusiverse will still

26:07

be busy. We've got our fortnightly live

26:09

streams, we've got watchalongs, the next

26:11

one is Little Shop of Horrors, the 1986 musical,

26:14

we've got Creative Sharing Club where people

26:16

talk about their creative projects, and of course

26:18

we're going to have your personal text tones slash alarms

26:21

recorded by me. So join us via

26:23

theillusionist.org slash donate for

26:26

as little as two American dollars a month, and

26:28

the podcast itself will be back in the

26:30

second week of August.

26:37

Your randomly selected word from the dictionary today

26:39

is... Aport,

26:46

noun. An object produced supposedly

26:49

by occult means at a séance. Origin

26:52

19th century, from French, apport,

26:55

something brought, from aporte, bring

26:57

to. Try using aport

26:59

in an email today. This

27:02

episode was produced by me, Helen Zaltzman,

27:04

with Martin Austwick who composed and

27:06

played the music, and also played William

27:09

Herschel, and provided backing vocals

27:11

and editorial advice. Find

27:13

Martin's music at palebirdmusic.com.

27:16

Our ad partner is Multitude. If you

27:18

have a product or thing about which you'd like me

27:20

to talk, sponsor the show! Contact Multitude

27:23

at multitude.production slash ads.

27:26

Check out Illusionist Show on YouTube, Instagram,

27:29

Facebook and Twitter, and you can hear or

27:31

read every episode, find links to

27:33

more information about the topics and people therein,

27:36

donate to the show and become a member of

27:38

the Illusionverse, and see the full dictionary

27:40

entries for the randomly selected words, all

27:43

at the show's forever home, theillusionist.org.