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Hi, my name is John Kim. I'm a

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therapist who went through his own rebirth many

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years ago and I've been documenting my journey

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ever since, sharing my life lessons and revelations.

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I believe in casual overclinical with you instead

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of at you. I come

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unrehearsed on purpose because

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self-help doesn't have to be so complicated.

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Alright so I broke down

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how to know what are red and

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green flags in dating into three categories

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and I call it the three C's.

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I broke it down into connection, communication

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and capacity. I

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really think that

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these categories are, in my

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opinion, some

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of the most important as far

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as setting yourself up for a great

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dating experience slash building

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a relationship. So

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the first episode, this episode, we're going

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to talk about communication, connection, then

1:04

the next episode we'll talk about communication and the

1:06

final one we'll talk about capacity. So

1:09

under the umbrella of connection and

1:12

I want to challenge you to explore

1:15

and redefine what a connection looks like for

1:17

you. I know for me, in

1:20

my 20s, connection was just basically

1:23

attraction. Connection was

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how much dopamine shot into my

1:28

head because someone had pretty eyes

1:30

or a nice body. Connection

1:32

was basically my boner, right? And

1:34

of course, as you start to

1:36

get in relationships, you realize that

1:39

connection is deeper. There's a lot

1:41

more to connection than just the

1:43

attraction. So today,

1:45

as a 50-year-old, connection

1:48

means so much more than attraction.

1:51

And also attraction,

1:55

that has changed. Like before

1:58

When I was young, yes. Correction

2:00

was a lot about. A

2:03

stat eggs attraction was also

2:05

about energy and and the

2:07

dynamic and when I was

2:09

younger attraction I was usually

2:12

try to to unhealthy right

2:14

other to attract the to.

2:18

An hour the guys were of it.

2:20

It's a lot of unhealthy is running

2:22

underneath and what are running underneath were

2:24

a lot of that aware of. Unless

2:26

we're really you know, Processing.

2:29

And and digging and trying to

2:31

make the unconscious conscious and trying

2:33

to see patterns. And.

2:36

What's running underneath? Rights. So.

2:39

Instead. Of. Exploring. That

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I just went with what I

2:44

cells in. And later I realized

2:46

that what I felt although is

2:48

true isn't always healthy. So

2:51

connection these days to

2:53

me is values meaning.

2:57

Does. Your values with. The.

2:59

Person a year or the prospect of

3:01

the person you want invest in the

3:03

person you're dating and to the values

3:06

line of you know values are going

3:08

to be huge when it comes to.

3:11

What You guys believe in what you

3:13

guys hold hands on it. you know

3:16

it's the thing that's greater than. Than

3:18

both of you, right? And so it

3:20

really creates strong handrails when it comes

3:23

to relationships. If your values line up,

3:25

not not every single value, but you

3:27

know most rights. Now, if your values

3:29

don't line up, The

3:32

connection is gonna be difficult, you know?

3:35

You could have fiery Saxon be really excited

3:37

to someone, but if your values don't line

3:39

up, think about would that would look like

3:42

in a day to day and as far

3:44

as building a relationship. I

3:47

like to think of connection now. as

3:50

things that are greater than self

3:52

kind of stack that the top

3:54

in in the obvious. underneath

3:57

it right so what i mean by the obvious

3:59

is Yeah, how you

4:01

feel, dopamine, attraction, sexual

4:04

chemistry, all of that. But the

4:06

things that are bigger than both

4:08

of you, and this is what I really want to

4:10

kind of challenge you on, should

4:13

be stacked at the top because those are the

4:15

things that are going to make your relationship

4:19

really have legs and

4:21

it's going to sustain you when things are

4:23

tough. So what are some

4:25

things that are greater than you? What

4:28

else are things that are greater than you? I mean

4:31

for some people it's religion, politics, not so

4:33

much for me. For

4:36

me it's like does a person have the ability to be –

4:39

is a person a spiritual being? And

4:42

do they show up in that way? Do they see the world through

4:44

that level? And

4:47

do they see the world through that level? Is

4:52

a person a spiritual being? And do

4:54

they show up in that way? Do

4:56

they see the world through that lens? Is

4:59

the person kind

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and trying to make some kind of

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difference in the world? Is

5:07

the person doing

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everything they can to share

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their gifts, running

5:14

toward their fears and

5:16

really trying to position them to themselves

5:18

so they're allowing

5:22

something greater to work through them to

5:24

share their gifts? Is that important to them? Or

5:27

are they just kind of going through the world crossing

5:29

fingers and hoping to get lucky

5:33

and hoping that good things will happen? So

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obviously the latter would

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not be a strong connection for me. But

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someone who's actively working

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on bettering themselves, I'm

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going to connect to that person. Early

5:49

on in my – during my rebirth,

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what was really helpful was this question, where

5:56

am I going and then who's going with me? And

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I Always said that if you – The reverse the

6:01

order which I have in

6:03

early years twenties, thirties, Then.

6:06

You'll be going alone. And so what he meant when he mean

6:08

by that is. I used

6:10

to put. Who. I wanted

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to love Oregon at a relationship the

6:14

the person in my life above everything and

6:17

then after that I was like okay now

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what do I want to do in this

6:21

life and and you know with my purpose

6:24

what where do I want to go

6:26

would won't build And so with that. I

6:29

would put the person I loved

6:31

on a pedestal the the she

6:33

was the sun revolved around and

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so if the relations was rocky

6:37

or it didn't work out I

6:39

had I just my life crumbled

6:41

right and that was basically a

6:43

my marriage. After.

6:46

My marriage I decided to.

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Flip the script a little bit. And.

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Ask myself where am I going.

6:56

And. Then who's coming with me? right?

6:59

In this is a couple

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things. One, it puts the

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thing that's greater above, right?

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But also. It.

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Makes you more attractive

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because. You're. Going

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somewhere and people want to go on that

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ride. And.

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If you have to people in a relationship. Who.

7:20

Think this way they're they're fired

7:23

About fired up about where they're

7:25

going. And then. Who's

7:28

going with them? Then.

7:30

You have to people maneuvering

7:32

in the relationship where it's

7:34

not just hanging on each

7:36

other but something greater. It

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also intensify the attraction. I

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think right? Going back to

7:43

connection. I think in intensifies

7:45

a connection because it's face

7:47

it, like the. Surface

7:49

connection. The hot sex,

7:52

you know? detritus. Your partner. Usually

7:56

in the beginning. It's. High

7:58

and in his life. Then you

8:01

move in. Maybe

8:03

have children. You know you you You

8:05

start. Living. In

8:07

going through life challenges. That

8:10

attraction fades and a kind of fluctuates and

8:13

you gotta put work into a you gotta

8:15

a. Shovels her

8:17

the call into the fire

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and that's normal brain. It

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doesn't mean that the relationship

8:23

is in trouble, that's just

8:26

the the normal pattern. So.

8:30

If. That attraction is going

8:33

to fluctuate. There has to be more.

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For. The connection to be strong. I.

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Mean another part of connection is like do you

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want children You know what kind of parent are

8:42

you in An and is is all new for

8:44

me. We have a three year old and before

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that wasn't even. On my radar.

8:48

but today, yeah it's important to me will

8:50

kind of parent you are because we're going

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to connect in that way, you know? And

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so. Don't. Need to

8:57

be some overlap on how you parents

8:59

and was important you. Are.

9:03

You ambitious do take care of

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your body. What

9:09

are your practices? Whether it's their

9:11

be or meditation or writing a

9:13

more so goal? What are your

9:15

own practices that have nothing to

9:17

do with your partner that gives

9:19

you more of a sense of

9:21

self, right? What are your practices

9:23

that keep you evolving And so?

9:25

I also think that connection. Adult

9:28

Connection A grown up connection.

9:30

A healthy connection. As

9:33

interdependence it to pistons pumping to

9:35

move the engine forward. It's not

9:38

to people in a hot tub.

9:41

On top of each other, facing each other.

9:43

although that a very sexy image. that

9:47

was my definition of connection

9:49

in my twenties but two

9:51

people working together you know

9:53

two people thinking up with

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overlapping values what they want

9:57

and of this life but

9:59

also what they want to give, how they

10:01

want to be of service, all

10:04

of that stuff. I know for me,

10:06

I feel very connected to

10:08

my partner. If

10:12

we are both working towards something but at

10:14

the same time, we have our own lives.

10:16

We have our own friends. Vanessa

10:19

talks about how she

10:21

gets really turned on when she

10:24

goes to a party, and we

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kind of separate, and she

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can observe me being

10:33

myself with other people. So

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I'm not like hanging on her, you know what I'm

10:38

saying? And I

10:40

get that. That makes sense. There's

10:42

a trust there.

10:45

There's a, oh, he's his own person.

10:48

There's a, he's not needy. There's all these

10:50

things that are happening that for

10:52

her is a turn-on, right? And

10:55

so using that example, I think

10:57

if you stretch that over

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life, can you

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have your own friends, build

11:04

your own business, pursue your

11:06

own passions? Can you have your own life?

11:09

And then your partner does life with you, and

11:11

you guys share, and then

11:13

your partner has his or her

11:16

own life as well and own friends and

11:18

own passions. And they could

11:20

differ, and I think they should. Not everything

11:22

has to sync up. That would be weird, but

11:25

there should be some overlap. But

11:27

two people doing

11:30

their own thing, having their own life,

11:32

but of course making time and investing

11:34

in each other and doing life with

11:36

each other. That, to

11:38

me, produces the strongest connection. When

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you lose your sense of self or life

11:45

and you are now putting the relationship above everything

11:47

else, that

11:51

may feel like a

11:53

strong connection in the beginning, but

11:55

it's almost a false connection because the

11:57

connection doesn't have legs. you

12:00

are grabbing not holding. And

12:02

usually the strong connection, the green flag

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in a relationship, is when

12:06

two people are holding the relationship not grabbing it.

12:10

Grabbing can be controlling,

12:12

grabbing can be codependency,

12:15

grabbing can be not

12:18

looking inward, a lot of

12:20

pointed fingers, defensiveness,

12:22

jealousy, possession, those are all kind

12:25

of grabbing traits. And

12:28

when you're young, that just feels like someone loves

12:30

you so much that they can't live without

12:32

you, and you may say that that's

12:34

a strong connection. But

12:36

it's not. It's an unhealthy immeasurable,

12:41

right, that is

12:43

actually going to stunt a healthy

12:46

connection. It's actually going to put

12:50

two people down a cul-de-sac, and there's

12:52

going to be an end to that.

12:55

Because someone's going to outgrow the other person, and

12:58

then the connection is going to change, and you're

13:00

not going to be attracted to the person anymore. So

13:05

those are – so red flags in

13:07

connection would be grabbing

13:11

instead of holding, right,

13:13

any kind of grabbing where you kind of feel like

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there's possession, ownership,

13:19

jealousy, control. All

13:22

of those kind of things are red flags when it comes

13:24

to connection. Green

13:26

flags when it comes to connection, values,

13:29

things that are greater than both

13:31

of you, that line up,

13:34

that overlap, not everything has to. Green

13:36

flags in connection would be each

13:41

person with their own life, building

13:43

their own thing, coming together, doing life with.

13:48

Green flags in connection would be not

13:54

just physical attraction, but attraction

13:56

that more

14:00

than skin, right? More than skin hunger

14:03

is going to be lasting connection. Feeling

14:07

safe is connection. Looking

14:12

inward and we'll get to more about

14:16

this in episode three when we talk about

14:18

capacity but non-defensiveness allows

14:20

soil for connection. Those are green

14:22

flags. So

14:25

ask yourself whether you're in a relationship

14:27

or if you're dating, what

14:30

is your definition of connection? And it doesn't have

14:32

to be mine but

14:34

chances are it's different than when you were

14:36

in your 20s hopefully, right? Because you've grown

14:38

and changed and been through some shit

14:41

and have learned. What

14:43

is your new definition of connection? And

14:45

if you don't ask yourself this, there's

14:47

a high chance you might just default

14:49

to what your body

14:52

thinks or feels – well, your body feels and

14:54

it may be an old definition, right? We

14:57

have to kind of use

14:59

our minds to steer ourselves

15:01

into new love experiences to give our

15:04

body a new experience

15:06

and rewire and so we can create

15:08

new definitions. Because if not and

15:11

you just kind of like not think but allow

15:13

your body to just go where it's going to

15:15

go, it may – you

15:17

may get yourself into trouble. You may naturally

15:20

trace old love blueprints that aren't honest

15:22

to you and then you're

15:24

in something unhealthy and toxic, right? So

15:28

use your mind to think

15:31

about what your new definition

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of attraction looks like, connection looks

15:36

like and then

15:38

tell yourself you're going to give your

15:40

body that experience so your

15:42

body now can

15:47

rewire itself and know, oh,

15:49

this is what connection

15:52

looks like and it's different. I

15:54

feel it, right? And

15:57

also dating is – Exploration,

16:01

you have to

16:03

leave room for learning and growth.

16:06

It can't be like, okay, it's

16:08

– the whole checking boxes thing

16:12

I think can be dangerous. So

16:15

there needs to be room for poetry and magic, and

16:17

I really believe that with love. So

16:21

if you're dating, ask

16:24

yourself what your new definition of connection is

16:27

and are you feeling

16:29

red flags or green flags when

16:31

it comes to connection, but

16:33

also allowing yourself space to

16:36

explore and stretch and allow that

16:38

new definition to unfold. So

16:41

it's almost like your definition is like you have

16:43

an idea of it, but it's not set

16:46

in stone. There's room for

16:50

an evolving of that definition because

16:53

I believe that love is a living, breathing

16:55

thing. I don't think it's like

16:57

a plaque. It's not

17:00

dried cement. It's not

17:02

a blueprint. It's this living, breathing thing,

17:04

and as we change and

17:06

who we choose to love changes and we're

17:08

all on our life journey, that

17:11

love is kind of shaped and molded

17:13

and stretched and all of that. And

17:16

it creates that kind of container for both of you

17:18

guys, and you are both building

17:20

something that is greater than its parts. Thank

17:26

you.