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If you look at our influence or

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our To Charm podcast where we break

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it and order to be seen and

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heard Your communication needs that cut through

1:01

the noise. And we're gonna show

1:03

you how I'm Aj successfully recovered, introvert,

1:05

entrepreneur and self development junkie. and I'm

1:07

John is a bag. former Tory musician

1:10

promoter Rocket Roller and cofounder here at

1:12

The Early Charm and for last fifteen

1:14

years we've trained thousands of top performers

1:17

and teams from every background. We have

1:19

dedicated our lives the teaching men and

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women all they need to know about

1:23

communication, networking and relationships. You shouldn't have

1:26

to settle for anything less than extraordinary.

1:28

All right, let's kick off today show

1:30

today. I'm talking. A doctor, James

1:32

Dirty and inventor and entrepreneur and

1:34

philanthropist. As. A skeptic, a manifestation myself.

1:37

I'm excited to share this conversation around the

1:39

leading science behind the Power of your thoughts.

1:41

Doctor. James Dirty as a clinical professor

1:43

of neurosurgery at Stanford University and the

1:46

founder and director of the Center for

1:48

Compassion Altruism Research and Education with the

1:50

Dalai Lama himself as the founding benefactor

1:52

Doctor.is deeply involved in studying the neural

1:54

basis of compassion altruism. His. New

1:56

book is titled Mine Magic The Neuroscience

1:59

a manifestation out. Inches everything. We break

2:01

down the systems in the brain responsible for

2:03

saving your beliefs and actions. How you can

2:05

harness the power of your subconscious mind to

2:07

reach your goals faster. Why? You

2:09

need to visualize your success in detail

2:11

to make it a reality and James

2:13

shares his own experiences of the magic

2:15

of our mind. While the show james

2:18

great to have you feel pleasure. We're

2:20

excited today because of with the science

2:22

background of the show have not talked

2:24

about manifestation thoroughly and I know with

2:26

a lot of people there skepticism around

2:28

it myself. a little included here so

2:30

I'm excited today. Talk around the neuroscience

2:32

and what. My. Magic does setting

2:34

but my big replace the jumpin what

2:36

you mean by my magic. Well I

2:38

think what a lot of people don't

2:40

realize is that they give their agency

2:42

where. And what

2:45

happens is so many people are

2:47

looking for some sort of outside

2:49

intervention that's gonna make everything better

2:51

or in some ways to be

2:54

magical on everything changes in their

2:56

life. And in facts,

2:58

as you know from the first line

3:00

of the books, the universe doesn't give

3:03

a fuck of as as as it's

3:05

and because there are no fucks to

3:07

give and. Support

3:09

of the book is one.

3:12

So many people especially young

3:14

people don't know the difference

3:16

between what they. Think

3:19

they want and what they

3:21

need. And

3:24

the other was when I was just mentioning

3:26

is that so many people. Are

3:28

waiting for something in the

3:30

universe. It's either guide them

3:32

or give them what they

3:34

think they want or need.

3:37

And so. Both

3:40

of those things are actually

3:42

disempower. Yeah, So

3:45

on. One

3:47

aspect of this is to. Make.

3:50

You learn the difference and

3:52

you know and western capitalist

3:54

society. The narrative is that

3:57

if you make money have

3:59

will up. Our position the

4:01

suddenly you're going to be happy

4:03

on of course as a false

4:05

narrative and as resolved people get

4:07

those things and they're miserable and

4:09

I can pay for my own

4:11

experience. Having gone to medical school,

4:13

become a neurosurgeon, become a successful

4:15

entrepreneur. You I would climb each

4:17

of these mountains. This you will

4:20

and then I would get at

4:22

the top and I would wait

4:24

for magic. The happens and I'm

4:26

now whole. I don't have any

4:28

say this. I'm not insecure, I've

4:30

not an imposter, and in fact,

4:32

us nothing changed, and I still

4:34

have that sense of. Emptiness.

4:39

And. So the question is, how

4:41

do you still that emptiness?

4:45

And ah, this is sort of been

4:47

my own personal journey. As

4:50

you may know from my first

4:52

book, I talk about my own

4:54

personal background and all of us

4:57

who we are today as manifestation

4:59

to some extent of our past.

5:02

And as a result, a lot of

5:05

people don't appreciate actually the baggage that

5:07

they carry. Which

5:09

impacts relationships. decisions they make

5:11

ah how they interact with

5:14

others. And as

5:16

resolved. ah that creates unhappiness

5:18

because they don't understand that

5:20

Bag issues and points same

5:22

every action they take subtle

5:25

and so want to thanks

5:27

of courses you have to

5:29

become self aware about that

5:31

and I think also. And

5:35

this is one of the problems with about

5:37

manifestations. Ah, I'm

5:39

sure you probably heard of a

5:41

book called the Seacrest? Yes, so

5:43

you know the secret is been

5:45

extraordinarily successful, and the problem in

5:48

my mind with it is that.

5:51

It is a narrative about what

5:53

I want. and

5:56

this is where it goes off

5:58

track into because when you

6:00

focus on what I want, in

6:04

some ways you're selling to people a

6:06

narrative that when you get what I

6:08

want, everything

6:10

will be fine and you'll be happy. And as I

6:13

was just saying, the problem

6:15

is that you get that and

6:19

you're still unhappy. Right. So

6:22

part of the book is one, reclaiming

6:25

your self agency, meaning you

6:27

recognize the power you

6:29

have within yourself. It's not

6:31

coming from outside yourself. And that's the

6:33

power one, to

6:37

choose if you're gonna be happy. And

6:40

also recognizing

6:42

that the

6:44

way we evolved as a species, as

6:47

you know, unlike other

6:49

species, our offspring need to

6:52

be cared for, which

6:54

means that you have

6:56

to respond to their pain and

6:59

whether that's because of hunger or physical pain. And

7:04

for our offspring, we have to take care of them

7:06

for well over 10 years, if not longer. Well,

7:09

what is the driver for you to care, to

7:13

expend the time and the resources? Well, the

7:15

driver is that our

7:18

evolutionary imperative has

7:20

actually created a system that rewards

7:22

us when we care. And

7:25

while it involves a variety of neurotransmitters,

7:27

the one probably the audience has heard

7:29

about the most is oxytocin, sort

7:32

of the love or bonding hormone.

7:35

So when you care, you get

7:38

the release of this hormone, which then

7:40

results in your reward

7:43

or pleasure centers being activated in your

7:45

brain, but it does more

7:47

than that. It's when you care, your physiology

7:49

works at its best. And

7:52

as you probably know, we have something called

7:54

the vagus nerve, which

7:56

is a nerve that is found throughout the

7:58

body and arises in the brain. system, but

8:00

it has two parts. And one

8:04

part, of course, is the sympathetic nervous

8:06

system, which is associated with the

8:09

flight, fight, or freeze response. And it looks

8:11

at the world through the lens of scarcity

8:14

and fear. And

8:17

then the other is the parasympathetic

8:19

nervous system, which is

8:21

called the rest or digest system.

8:23

And when that's activated, you feel

8:26

open, you feel generous, you're

8:29

much more thoughtful, you're much more creative,

8:31

you're much more productive. And

8:33

again, your reward centers are

8:36

stimulated, and your physiology works its

8:39

best. And that's in the context

8:41

of cardiac function, peripheral vascular function,

8:44

as well as your immune system, your

8:47

levels of cortisol, your stress hormones are

8:50

decreased. And so we

8:52

are designed to care. So

8:54

when we focus on us, it

8:57

actually, of course, in some ways

8:59

is very much like the fear response. And

9:02

as a result, you

9:04

activate the various

9:07

components of that through the vagus nerve,

9:09

the sympathetic nervous system. Well, you can

9:11

manifest and the techniques that The Secret

9:13

and some of these other books talk

9:15

about are not necessarily wrong, per

9:18

se, although they're more efficient

9:20

ways to get access to

9:23

those centers in your brain that will

9:26

increase the likelihood of you

9:28

manifesting. But when you're focused

9:31

on yourself, that

9:33

is not the best way to

9:35

manifest, nor is it one that I think will help

9:37

you in the long run. Well, one

9:40

of the key points in the book, and we can delve a little

9:42

bit more into your past, is this

9:44

concept that when many of us manifest

9:46

things, we manifest islands

9:48

and cars and external events in our

9:50

life happening to, in our mind, be

9:53

that marker of success, status that other

9:55

people will respect us for. And you

9:58

experience that. as you said

10:00

earlier, it didn't make you happy. So

10:03

where do we think, where do you think

10:05

most of us go wrong with that manifestation

10:08

around those external things versus what should we

10:10

be focusing on with our manifestation to actually

10:12

be whole, to be living a rich and

10:14

fulfilling life? Well, it's exactly what I

10:17

was alluding to earlier in the sense that

10:19

we have been brainwashed

10:23

by believing a narrative that

10:26

success by Western capitalist

10:28

definitions equals power position,

10:31

wealth, or

10:33

things. And

10:35

then when you get those things, you're

10:38

not happy or at least you're

10:41

transiently happy, but it

10:43

is not a deep lasting happiness. Conversely,

10:46

when you do activities for

10:49

others, that gives

10:51

you meaning and purpose, which

10:53

results in a depth of happiness, if you

10:56

will, which is quite different,

10:59

but in many ways is the one

11:01

that will stay with you and actually

11:03

define you as what you should be

11:06

as a human being. And

11:08

this is the difference between hedonic and

11:11

oodamonic happiness. Hedonic happiness is seeking

11:14

pleasure and avoiding pain. And

11:17

the neuroscience is quite clear, that's quite

11:19

transitory. When you do the

11:22

opposite, when you're of service to others, where you

11:24

look at the world to the lens of being

11:26

of service, two things happen. One

11:28

is obviously you are outside

11:32

of yourself, you're

11:34

benefiting others, which goes back to

11:36

our evolution as a species. When

11:38

we care for others, we physiologically

11:40

and mentally benefit, but

11:43

it also changes how you see the world because

11:45

the things you think you want, such

11:48

as wealth, position, and power, don't

11:51

seem as important or you recognize

11:54

are not important. You recognize them

11:56

for what they are, which

11:59

is yes. it can give you transient

12:01

pleasure. But

12:03

I believe what humans really seek is

12:06

a deep seated type

12:08

of pleasure and one that

12:11

is long-lasting, one that when you reflect

12:13

on it, you have this warmth within

12:15

you and you

12:17

feel good about yourself. And then

12:19

you can see the results because of the

12:21

impact you have on others. And I

12:23

think that is a very, very powerful

12:25

thing. And

12:27

as I was saying, when you are

12:30

able to stimulate your parasympathetic nervous system,

12:32

it has magical powers.

12:35

Not only does it make your physiology work the best,

12:37

it actually increases your longevity.

12:41

And why is that? If you look

12:43

at the science associated with these areas

12:45

called the blue zones, or you look

12:49

at the study that has been going on for

12:51

85 years at Harvard, the Harvard, I think it

12:53

is called the adult development study, but people typically

12:55

call for it. It is

12:57

a happiness study. And this is

12:59

now run by Robert Waldinger. But

13:02

what are the important lessons from

13:04

that? Well, the important lessons are

13:06

that when you actually think

13:09

of others, act in regard to others,

13:12

it has all the positive effects I was just mentioning

13:14

to you. And the reason is it relates

13:17

again to our evolution. We

13:19

talk about the blue zones as these five areas in

13:21

the world. But actually,

13:23

if you go back a few hundred years, that

13:25

is how humans live. You lived in community. You

13:28

were born there. You died there. And

13:32

everyone knew you. And the thing is

13:34

that we talked about imposter

13:36

syndrome briefly. Everyone

13:38

knew you. They knew the good and the bad.

13:40

And they still loved you. And

13:43

they were there for you. And they supported you. And

13:46

they created a community where you felt supported.

13:48

So you did not have this voice inside of your

13:51

head saying, I am not good enough. I am an

13:53

imposter. People are going to find out about me. So

13:56

what happens is you

13:59

develop. these deep relationships

14:02

or connections to individuals, and

14:05

that is sort of the superpower

14:08

of our humanity. That makes everything

14:10

work better. And that's why manifestation,

14:12

when it relates to being of

14:15

service, is also the most

14:17

powerful way to manifest. Yeah, well, what I

14:19

would love to unpack is what's going on

14:21

with these neural networks. So I know we've

14:23

talked a lot about the default mode network.

14:25

You write in the book that there are

14:27

other networks that we want to tap into

14:29

to make manifestation as impactful as possible. So if

14:32

you don't mind just walking our audience through the

14:34

networks and what we can do to really have

14:36

a stronger impact on what we are manifesting. Sure.

14:39

When I talked about activating the

14:41

parasympathetic nervous system and the physiologic

14:43

benefit, which relates to

14:46

these cognitive networks, part of it does

14:49

in some ways relate to controlling

14:51

your mind. And one

14:54

thing that's extremely popular is mindfulness

14:56

types of practices. But

14:58

what this really tells you is that within

15:00

each of us, we have this incredible

15:03

power, which so often

15:05

we give to others outside of ourselves.

15:07

And I'm sure you've lived through the

15:09

experience of you have

15:12

this idea to do something or

15:14

something you're just excited about. And

15:16

then you share it with friends or relatives. And you

15:18

go, you can't do that. That's impossible. And

15:20

it's horrible, right? Because you're so

15:22

excited and anxious these people tell

15:24

you these things. And as

15:26

a result, many people just give up

15:29

because they believe it. And the mind

15:31

doesn't know the difference between truth and

15:33

untruth. And if you put the

15:36

narrative in your head that it

15:38

is not possible, that becomes truth.

15:41

Conversely, if

15:43

you look through the lens of anything

15:45

is possible, I'm responsible.

15:48

Now, this isn't to say that, if

15:51

you have these horrible external circumstances,

15:53

magically they go away because you

15:55

say, I'm empowered. But what it

15:57

does do is it gives you a change and add

15:59

to that. which actually

16:01

changes your physiology. And

16:04

this is why we see, as an example, you look

16:06

at Wim Hof or

16:08

some of these Tibetan monks who can control their

16:10

body temperature or their

16:13

heart rate or other physiologic responses. Theoretically,

16:16

these function independent of us. But

16:19

what it shows you, you have the

16:21

power within your mind to control these

16:23

things. And you also have the

16:25

power, and this is actually, I'm

16:27

sure you've heard of Epictetus or some of

16:29

the Stoic philosophers. External

16:32

circumstances, oftentimes you cannot control.

16:35

What you can control is how you respond.

16:38

And in some ways, that's the

16:40

nature of happiness too. You

16:42

know, there are people who have very challenging

16:44

circumstances and you meet them and they're joyful

16:46

and happy. And you go, what? How is

16:48

that even possible? Then you

16:50

meet other people who have everything in

16:52

the world and

16:54

are absolutely miserable. Well, what's the difference?

16:58

The difference is the choice inside their

17:00

head. And so in

17:02

terms of manifesting, there are multiple aspects

17:04

of this. The first one is, what

17:06

so many people don't appreciate is we

17:09

are battered by information from

17:11

our sensory organs that

17:13

are overwhelming. Now, 99.99% go to maintaining homeostasis of

17:15

our bodily functions. And

17:22

this is about 10 million bits of information

17:24

a second. But on

17:26

a conscious level, we have control,

17:29

if you want to use that term, of

17:31

about 50 to 100 bits. So how

17:34

do you take on a conscious level that

17:37

information you want to embed and

17:39

your subconscious to have it manifest?

17:43

Now, what I would also say, there's

17:45

a process called value tagging. And in

17:47

some ways, that's exactly what we're talking

17:49

about. We are creating something

17:51

of value that is meaningful to

17:53

us and now how do we embed

17:55

it? So there are these

17:58

cognitive brain networks, Was

18:00

mentioned briefly is the default

18:02

mode network and this is

18:04

when arm mine wonders. It's

18:06

self referential ah and a

18:08

but also you. Think

18:10

about potential pass or as and

18:13

she wants, but the key is

18:15

getting access to your salient network.

18:18

And your attention network and

18:21

it's what Happened says is

18:23

that when you value tag

18:25

something, you make it salient.

18:27

see you and and once

18:29

it becomes salient, your subconscious

18:31

than acts as a bloodhounds

18:33

to be a tone to

18:35

events and your surroundings that

18:37

potentially can help you manifest.

18:39

but it also again is

18:42

very much related to the

18:44

attention network because that's what

18:46

gives defined focus to things.

18:48

Attacks. As an example, I'm sure you've been

18:50

at a party or some of them were. There's a

18:52

lot of noise. But. If you

18:54

hear your name, I suddenly appear

18:56

above, right? And why is that?

18:58

Because honored a deep level, your

19:00

name or density is always with

19:03

you and your always a tune

19:05

to that. And so this is

19:07

the same with the Power of

19:09

Manifestation. As an example, There's a

19:11

project I'm working on. And

19:14

I was at a coffee shop

19:16

a few weeks ago and it

19:18

was very noisy, but. Suddenly.

19:20

I heard these two individuals talking

19:22

about the exact same thing that

19:24

I was interested in and of

19:26

course I turned to that and

19:28

then I went over and and

19:30

reduce myself and connected with these

19:32

individuals. But the point is that

19:34

was embedded so like a bloodhound.

19:37

the assailants network was looking around

19:39

same You know how can we

19:41

make this happen or I make

19:43

this happen. And then

19:45

once it reaches that level then

19:47

of course you're Executive control network

19:49

which is that to do side

19:51

of the house has he will

19:53

and it gives you access to

19:55

memory, pro experiences, etc. The neck

19:57

goes to work tacitly habit manner.

20:00

So it's not to say

20:02

it's bit heaviness. selfish desires

20:05

gets blocked and all levels

20:07

a manifestation. It's to say

20:09

that the highest likelihood of

20:11

you manifesting though, is it

20:13

is focused on the other.

20:16

And the other good thing about

20:18

that is though you realize often

20:21

times what you believe you want

20:23

to have them. Isn't.

20:25

And your best interest or you change

20:27

how you look at the world when

20:29

your service to others and many time

20:31

to thank you thought you wanted are

20:33

not what you actually need from. So.

20:36

Default Mode network is assigned

20:38

a dream visualize. Think about

20:40

things. that arm could be

20:42

important to us. Daydream Sometimes

20:44

it's it's negatives, sometimes it's

20:46

positive once you value Target.

20:49

Then. Year now telling your subconscious mind

20:51

okay let's look for this. This is now important

20:53

to me. And. Then we

20:55

can start to act on it. So

20:57

it goes from daydream thinking about what

20:59

success looks like to actually motivating our

21:02

subconscious mind to move towards that success

21:04

that we're looking for. Now that's exactly

21:06

right and how do you strengthen that

21:08

well? Are you strength him as by

21:10

or techniques which I outline and detail

21:12

in the book? In fact there's a

21:14

six week course at the Of Yeah

21:17

look ah but many of it is

21:19

familiar. Are you write it down because

21:21

what you want to do is. Make

21:24

it more. And more impactful. Well if

21:26

use all your sensory organs to

21:29

do that, that's one of the

21:31

thanks to do that. So write

21:33

it down. Ah, read it to

21:35

yourself, read it aloud and then

21:37

relax and think about you been

21:40

that are getting whatever that is

21:42

and each of those things strengthens

21:44

this and the more you do

21:46

it as you know there's a

21:49

saying that what fires together wires

21:51

together right and so the more

21:53

you strengthen Mad Pathway. The

21:55

more likely it is to be deeply

21:57

embedded and the more likely it is

22:00

that your salient that work where that

22:02

bloodhound will seek it out. And this

22:04

is where this concept of synchronicity some

22:06

sense you know you don't appreciate were

22:09

like wow, that's amazing. I was just

22:11

about that. Well, it's because it's been

22:13

tagged and you know that on some

22:15

level everyone is always manifesting are trying

22:18

to. It's just like an athlete's if

22:20

you've never done that before. It sort

22:22

of works here and there, maybe maybe

22:24

not rights and the more you practice,

22:27

the more likelihood it has to happen.

22:29

Okay, so let's. Let's Walk is subject

22:31

number one I think is really challenging for

22:33

lot of us right now and this hyper

22:35

distracted world of notifications dinging as he heard

22:38

everything else going on. We have this up

22:40

and do our focus and actually start to

22:42

move into your cable. What is it that

22:44

I really want? So what are your suggestions?

22:46

For those of us you feel distracted, sealed,

22:48

pulled and so many directions and and maybe

22:51

don't feel as focuses any to be. Why?

22:53

Think you probably described Ninety Nine

22:56

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24:14

X factor.com. It

24:17

is very hard and as you

24:19

well know are the companies ah

24:22

that are doing this are mostly

24:24

of the social media outlets. Actually

24:26

they hire psychologists and neuroscientists to

24:28

create if you want to call

24:31

it hits of dopamine right to

24:33

get your attention and therefore you

24:35

become addicted. To get a more

24:37

more Had some dope. Immense. Ah

24:40

so of course one is to

24:42

ah, try to do a digital

24:44

detox into or to limit the

24:47

time you're on social media. Now

24:49

that is hard. I think for

24:51

most of us or the other

24:54

aspect of this is in some

24:56

way self compassion because. What

24:59

happens is you were unaware

25:01

of the fact that we

25:03

beat ourselves up all the

25:05

time. And often times we think

25:08

that's just natural, and in fact many

25:10

of us are more critical of ourselves.

25:13

Than. Anyone we know. And

25:15

so one of the challenges is

25:17

to be kind to yourself. And

25:20

I mentioned mindfulness practice and while

25:22

there many different forms of mindfulness

25:24

practice one is been able to

25:26

do body survey as you will

25:28

or I call it relax the

25:30

body because people don't understand is

25:32

when you're in the modern world

25:34

so many of us are stretch

25:36

are are stressed an anxious and

25:39

it gets back in some ways.

25:41

When I was talking about the

25:43

Blue Zones or this adult Development

25:45

study. At Harvard. These.

25:47

people were not distracted they didn't

25:49

have to run to a job

25:52

and be there exactly on time

25:54

they weren't criticized if they didn't

25:56

were later something or didn't have

25:58

the impact our people commute And

26:01

the other aspect that's really important is

26:03

being authentic. In the

26:05

modern world, because you

26:07

don't have family, siblings, or people

26:09

you've known a long time around,

26:12

people feel terrified of being judged

26:14

by others. So if they're their

26:17

authentic self, they don't

26:19

think people are going to like them. And

26:21

that creates another level of stress

26:23

and anxiety. And so

26:25

one of the first things is to learn

26:27

to be kind to yourself. At

26:29

Stanford, where I run the center I

26:31

founded, called the Center for Compassion and Altarism,

26:34

Research and Education, of which

26:36

His Holiness the Dalai Lama is the founding benefactor,

26:39

we actually have very specific courses

26:41

to teach self-compassion. And

26:44

the reason that's important, because we're talking about

26:46

looking through the lens of compassion towards others.

26:49

And let me just define compassion. It's

26:51

the recognition of another suffering with a

26:53

motivational desire to alleviate that suffering. The

26:56

problem is, if you're not kind to yourself,

27:00

it's hard to look at the world other

27:02

than being hypercritical. And

27:04

of course, your own hypercriticality

27:08

stimulates your sympathetic nervous system, which

27:11

is of course a detriment. Working

27:13

against and manifesting. Yeah, manifesting. So

27:16

one of the things is to learn to be

27:18

kind to yourself. And

27:21

we can talk about my own childhood, how I overcame

27:24

that. And then of course

27:26

then, once you learn to be kind to yourself,

27:29

you realize that everyone is

27:31

suffering. And that

27:34

just because somebody looks as though they have

27:36

it together, doesn't mean they

27:38

do. And in

27:40

fact, if you look at our influencer

27:42

culture, you see all

27:44

these people who are pretending that

27:46

everything is perfect. Their makeup's perfect.

27:49

Or just a snapshot even. Yeah,

27:51

exactly. That's all it is. Yes,

27:53

absolutely. And it's not a true snapshot in

27:55

any way, shape, or form. The problem is,

27:57

and I'm sure you've

27:59

heard that. read about this often is these

28:01

people are trying to project a sense of

28:04

perfection when in fact they

28:06

are insecure themselves and are

28:08

suffering and they can't

28:10

reconcile these. So this creates despair,

28:13

oftentimes hopelessness, and

28:15

they know that they're an imposter and in this

28:17

case a real imposter. And of course

28:19

that has a heavy psychological

28:22

burden for these individuals. And of course

28:24

the paradox of that is

28:27

those watching these individuals buy into

28:29

their narrative and they look at their

28:31

own lives and they say, God, that person

28:34

has it and look at me, I'm nothing.

28:36

And of course that's a complete falsehood. And

28:40

the other thing that's important is to, when

28:43

I talk about self-compassion, none

28:45

of us are perfect. All of us are

28:47

failed, flawed human beings. And

28:50

in the face of that, the reality is we

28:52

all deserve to be loved and cared for. Everyone.

28:57

So thinking that somebody is perfect or

28:59

has their act together is

29:01

just not true at all. And

29:04

if you were to witness yourself,

29:06

let's say, going through that exact moment, but

29:08

as a child you probably wouldn't be saying

29:10

the things that your inner critic is saying

29:13

to that childlike version of yourself. Of

29:15

course not. No, I mean you'd never say that.

29:17

And this is the other thing that is often

29:20

overlooked as well, is that

29:22

when you're a child, you

29:24

are acutely sensitive to what others say.

29:28

And words mean something. So

29:30

if you have a parent or a loved one or

29:32

somebody you respect tell you a negative

29:35

thought, oftentimes that gets

29:37

deeply embedded. And again, we're talking about

29:39

childhood trauma. This is really a

29:41

problem for a lot of people. I

29:43

was doing a program one time. I'm

29:46

talking about this topic and this woman raised

29:48

her hand and she started crying. And

29:51

she said, as a child, my father told

29:53

me I would be nothing. And

29:56

here she is in her 50s. She's a nurse.

29:58

She has a PhD. She's

30:01

the CEO of a healthcare

30:03

company, highly successful, yet

30:05

she's still carrying that.

30:08

Yes, versus if

30:10

her father had said, you know,

30:12

you are amazing, I love

30:14

you, you could do anything,

30:17

completely different impact

30:19

on her life, because she's still

30:21

suffering from what her father said. So

30:25

honing focus, step one,

30:28

what I found in working with our coaching

30:30

clients, step two is often the hardest, is

30:33

defining what success actually is. And

30:35

really clearly defining what success is to you.

30:37

And we talked a little bit about how,

30:40

as a society in Western culture especially, we

30:42

look to others to guide us to what

30:44

success should be for us. And

30:47

we follow what our families say, or what

30:49

school says, or what influencers say, as

30:51

guides for what success is. And I'll often ask

30:53

my clients, you know, what does it mean to

30:55

be successful? What does success look like to you?

30:58

And what I found is really fascinating is

31:00

they'll often look to, okay, 12

31:02

months from now. They don't look far

31:04

enough into the future and really paint that clear

31:06

picture of what they truly want. Not just in

31:08

the here and now, or in a few months,

31:10

or 12 months, but five years, 10 years, what

31:13

they want their legacy to look like, is often

31:15

very hard for us to define. So

31:17

what is the advice you have for getting really

31:19

clear on what success looks like? Because if we

31:21

aren't clear, we can't tag it, we can't activate

31:23

all these other networks to work to our advantage.

31:26

No, you're absolutely right. The challenge

31:28

though is that getting

31:31

people out of the narrative they have

31:33

in their head about what society thinks

31:36

success is. And that's really hard for a

31:38

lot of people because their whole lives, they've

31:40

chased that. And when you sit

31:42

there and say, is that really what you think

31:45

success is? Many of them, to be honest with

31:47

you, haven't slowed down enough. To

31:49

even consider it. To even consider it. And

31:52

they'll also give you excuses like,

31:54

well, I'm just too busy, you know, work

31:56

is so demanding, I don't have time to

31:58

do it because, well, you know. There's

32:00

this, what was it, John F. Kitty said, if not

32:02

now, with. Right. And I

32:04

think that's really the key, is you need

32:06

to slow down. And there

32:08

are many practices to do that, as you know. One

32:11

is a mind training practice. It could

32:13

be mindfulness. The practice

32:16

we teach is a little bit different, and

32:18

I know John Kabat-Thinn very well, who's

32:20

a wonderful individual. But

32:23

my statement to him, when we've had

32:25

discussions, is traditional

32:27

mindfulness practice doesn't really explicitly talk about

32:30

self-compassion or compassion for others. It's sort

32:32

of in there, but it's not the

32:34

main point. The reason I mention that

32:37

is sometimes people use these practices, that

32:39

type of a practice, to

32:41

get more focused if you're a

32:43

hedge fund manager. And

32:46

it's not to improve yourself and to be

32:48

of service to others. It's how can I

32:50

make more money by not being distracted by

32:53

negative dialogue. That's not what

32:55

the ideal practice should be. And

32:57

so the practice we've developed very

32:59

explicitly is to

33:01

teach a body scanning

33:04

or a relaxation practice,

33:06

a focusing practice, but

33:08

combine that very explicitly

33:10

with self-compassion, and

33:12

then follow that with compassion for others.

33:14

And as I was saying earlier, until

33:16

you can be kind to yourself, you

33:18

look through the lens of hypercriticality. The

33:21

other aspect is, one of

33:24

the ways mindfulness works is you

33:26

learn to ignore the negative. But

33:29

that doesn't necessarily downmodulate the negative.

33:32

By actually having very specific

33:34

positive affirmations to yourself, I

33:36

am worthy, I deserve love,

33:39

that starts changing the

33:41

narrative and certainly decreases volume

33:43

of it. Yeah, the impact of the negative.

33:46

Yeah, I think it's so fascinating how

33:49

much of our own narrative around success

33:51

is just tied to seeking

33:53

love from others. It's

33:55

like, if I get this, then my family will

33:58

be happy. My friends will be proud. My neighbors

34:00

will give. status when in actuality we haven't really

34:02

gotten in touch with what we truly want to

34:04

be successful and it ends

34:07

up chasing false gods and narratives that

34:09

once you even reach them and for

34:11

a lot of our clients they have

34:13

reached those things, got the house, found

34:15

the beautiful partner and then they're still

34:17

feeling this emptiness because that's not how

34:19

they truly define success for themselves. No,

34:21

I think that's exactly right

34:23

and this is the sad thing

34:25

because people go through their lives

34:27

and they're so focused on

34:30

this goal and

34:33

this is unfundimally the problem with craving

34:35

and attachment, right? That's

34:38

what causes your unhappiness and the extraordinary thing for

34:40

so many people is they chase that, absolutely

34:42

focused on that, ignoring every other aspect

34:44

of their life because they think if

34:46

I have that then all the other

34:48

problems will be solved and the

34:51

reality though is there's

34:54

nothing wrong with chasing a goal, it's

34:56

though being so attached to the goal

34:59

that when it doesn't happen you feel

35:01

destroyed and the other reality

35:03

is that the

35:05

greatest part of that is actually the

35:07

interaction on the journey with the people

35:10

you're with and enjoying that

35:12

and experiencing that because when you're

35:14

present, which is what we're talking

35:16

about, how do you become present,

35:18

how are you able to attend,

35:20

that's where our humanity blossoms when

35:22

we're connected to others and as

35:24

we're talking about the Blue Zones

35:28

or this Harvard study, what

35:30

is the fundamental aspects

35:32

of those studies that tell

35:34

us about our true selves or how

35:36

we should be? Every aspect

35:39

of that points to the reality

35:41

that depth of connection, depth of

35:43

relationships are the most important thing

35:46

related to physical health, mental

35:48

health and longevity, period. And

35:51

this is why you can look at

35:53

Churchill, let's see this little beast fellow who drinks

35:55

three or four whiskeys and smokes cigars and he

35:58

lives to be a hodrant. Yeah,

36:00

it's well the other thing that is so frustrating

36:02

for us here there to charm is the

36:05

amount of sacrificing of those Relationships that

36:07

we see in our clients who narrow

36:09

their focus on that external goal Not

36:12

recognizing that those relationships can actually even get

36:14

you to that goal faster. No,

36:16

absolutely and in fact, I'm very much a believer in

36:18

that so many of my Accomplishments

36:22

are because of others helping me

36:25

It's not because I told everybody to fuck off

36:27

and I said I'm going for this leave me

36:29

alone It's because I say I

36:31

need your help right or I'm working on

36:33

that. Yes. Yes, absolutely And it's so so

36:35

important people get lost in in

36:37

that yeah, well step three so moving

36:39

beyond what defining success is is obstacles

36:42

and one of the biggest obstacles is

36:44

a negativity bias and Looking

36:47

at things and searching out. Okay. Well, what

36:49

can go wrong? What are the worst possible

36:51

cases and of course that robs

36:53

us of the ability to see the

36:55

success through? That's right. And what so

36:57

many people don't recognize is we all

36:59

have these different biases And

37:02

if you're not aware or don't seek

37:04

out to understand some of

37:06

these things then you're always blind and

37:10

so it's really important to understand

37:12

and we discuss many of these things

37:14

in the book is What

37:18

are preventing or what are the

37:20

obstacles or what are the causes

37:22

that are limiting your beliefs? Yeah,

37:25

I think one of the most fascinating parts for

37:27

me and in my experience is how relationships

37:29

can often help you overcome those

37:31

obstacles and finding people

37:34

who are zoomed out and looking at

37:36

things bigger and allowing you

37:38

to see an even bigger success for yourself

37:40

than what you can naturally see just based

37:42

on Negative negativity bias or the way you

37:45

were raised or some of the values and

37:47

beliefs that you've adopted over time That

37:49

hold you back from that greater success that you're

37:52

actually Possible to achieve.

37:54

No, that's exactly right. You can get Misguided

37:57

and but you do have to take

37:59

the time to have this internal

38:01

examination. And you mentioned partners. People

38:04

around you, in general, I would say, want

38:06

to help you if you actually seek out

38:09

and ask for help. And

38:12

that can be one of the greatest gifts you

38:15

can get. And it also strengthens

38:17

the other aspect of this, which

38:19

is human connection. You know,

38:21

going back to that earlier step, step two

38:23

around defining success, once you

38:25

actually have a much clearer picture and you start to

38:28

share it with others, then others can actually help you

38:31

achieve that success. So much

38:33

of what we talk about, we think about,

38:35

we daydream about, and then we don't commit

38:37

to paper, we don't commit to actual goals,

38:40

and we don't then share with others who

38:42

can actually help us leapfrog ahead in that

38:44

journey. And ultimately, it leads to action, right?

38:47

So a lot of what we talked about from, you know,

38:50

default mode network to then working

38:52

through what that success looks like, getting

38:54

the intentions in place to move forward,

38:57

are you acting on all of this? It's all

38:59

great if it's upstairs in your mind, but all

39:02

of those intentions have to be put into actions

39:04

that move you closer and closer to what

39:06

you ultimately want. Absolutely, but I would also say

39:09

that sometimes people start these things and they

39:11

have starts and stops and fits. That's

39:13

okay. Yeah, all of

39:16

us do that. And I just had a conversation

39:18

with BJ Fogg who wrote Tiny Habits. Yeah,

39:20

he's been on the show. Yeah,

39:23

he's a wonderful individual. And

39:25

the thing is though, don't try to

39:27

do everything at once and start out

39:30

with small practices and

39:33

then build on those versus, and I've had

39:35

a tendency to do this, say, you know,

39:37

I'm gonna lose weight. I'm gonna lose 100

39:39

pounds and three. Yeah,

39:41

it sounds great. Yeah, it sounds great. And the

39:43

first day or two, it works. Now, I will

39:45

tell you, I said that

39:48

one time and I actually did it, but it

39:50

was the most unhealthy thing. But

39:53

the reason I did it actually, was

39:55

remember Ted Kennedy, when he looked his

39:57

worst, he was completely bloated. couldn't

40:00

get his, so I actually

40:02

was doing a talk with

40:04

Phil Zimbardo. Okay. And

40:07

I introduced him to a video tape, and

40:10

I was watching the video tape, and I looked like Ted Kitten.

40:14

You saw the tape, you know, like, say it.

40:17

Yeah, so, at that point, I said, I

40:19

can't do this. So I did, indeed, lose

40:21

100 pounds in three months, but it was

40:24

brutal. I do not recommend that to anyone, and

40:26

it's unhealthy. That's not in the book. No, it's

40:28

not in the book. But it

40:30

tells you, you know, I'm also

40:32

a human being, and I

40:35

don't make every right decision, and nor does anyone

40:37

else. The other thing I would just also say

40:39

is, you know, there are these two Japanese aesthetics,

40:42

if you want to call them that, and

40:45

I think that's important also for people to

40:47

appreciate. One is

40:49

wabi-sabi, which I'm sure you're probably familiar with,

40:52

this idea of imperfection, impermanence,

40:55

and incompleteness. And

40:58

this is the reality of our lives. The other is a

41:01

related concept, which is kintsugi.

41:05

And this is this 16th century

41:09

narrative, if you will, about

41:12

how pottery was rare and

41:14

would break sometimes, and

41:16

it would be repaired with metal staples,

41:19

which looked ugly, of course, but somebody

41:21

changed that to using glue that

41:23

had gold in it. The

41:26

reason that's important is because when

41:29

it was repaired, you see the lines of the

41:32

repair, but in some ways those are

41:34

a gift because it shows what the pottery has

41:36

been through. And the

41:38

metaphor, of course, is that all of us

41:40

have been through aspects that have hurt us,

41:42

broken us, and those are not

41:45

meant to be hidden. And this is

41:47

the problem of being authentic, is

41:49

it's okay to show

41:51

that you've been through this, but you've overcome it,

41:54

and you're still together. And I

41:56

think understanding the importance of

41:58

self-acceptance and not... being ashamed

42:00

of what you've been through or

42:02

who you are is another very

42:05

important component of manifesting as well

42:07

because you have to align yourself.

42:10

And I hate to use the word energy

42:12

because that's so woo woo sometimes. But you

42:15

have to align yourself with who you are,

42:17

what's important, what your goals are, and

42:20

also be okay with yourself because

42:23

all of us are frail, fragile humans

42:25

who make mistakes and that's

42:27

every one of us. There is no person who's

42:29

perfect. Well, what

42:31

a beautiful point to end on. Thank you so much for

42:33

stopping by. Where can our audience find out more about Mind

42:35

Magic? Well, it is available

42:38

for pre-order on any of the

42:40

typical platforms for books. I won't

42:42

say one because, but

42:44

independent bookstores. Please support

42:46

them. So

42:49

it's available there. I just

42:51

actually did the Audible for

42:53

that, which was a lot of fun. And

42:55

also my other book, Into the Magic Shop,

42:57

can be found at the same places. And

43:00

for anyone who's interested, also you can

43:02

go to the Seacare website

43:04

where there are all sorts of courses and

43:07

programs for compassion

43:09

and self-compassion and that's

43:11

Seacare.stanford.edu. The

43:14

other thing I would mention as another project I'm working on

43:17

is called Happy, H-A-P-P-I.ai.

43:22

And what that is in some ways

43:24

relates, it's a platform

43:26

that utilizes a motion assessment

43:28

combined with a conversational AI

43:31

knowledge base of compassion-focused

43:33

therapy and psychology

43:36

connected to a human avatar. And

43:38

you can actually interact with it. And

43:41

the great thing about it is that, of

43:43

course, it's an avatar, but it's non-judgmental. It

43:45

accepts you for who you are. And

43:49

it gives you a lot of interesting supporting

43:52

ideas, concepts

43:54

to benefit you. And

43:56

it's free to sign up and you

43:58

can try that out too. Yeah, it's beautiful. We've

44:01

learned from a lot of our clients. They

44:03

actually feel a lot safer with the anonymity

44:05

of talking to GPT and sharing

44:07

those deepest darkest secrets and worth a human.

44:09

Ours is a self-contained

44:12

platform that is strictly focused

44:14

so you can't head off

44:16

into hallucination or as

44:18

some people try to do flirt with

44:20

or troll the Or

44:23

add ten awards to your bio. Yeah, well,

44:25

that's okay Thank

44:27

you guys. Thank you. I really appreciate it

44:29

Wow What

44:40

a fantastic episode so many gems let

44:43

me ask you are you using these

44:45

concepts in your life? What's stopping you?

44:47

We understand you're busy. That's why we

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Here's what Daniel had to say about

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My name is Daniel bozing and

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I'm a manufacturing engineer my overall

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46:26

All right, before we head out,

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