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Today, we're talking about five ways to

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have healthy boundaries. Boundaries and what to do when

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they fail. First, let's talk about what

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boundaries are and what they're not.

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Before I get started, here's my disclosure.

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I'm not an advocate of boundaries. If I was to

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be absolutely truthful, however, I do understand and support

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the need people have for creating

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them when they have relationships that are

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dishonouring of their humanity,

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values, selves, choices,

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relationships, and lives.

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Instead, I'm an advocate for

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having direct conversations that

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communicate our requirements for that relationship

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to be healthy, reciprocal,

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honoring, and sustaining.

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By definition, a boundary is anything

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that marks a limit. Psychological limits define personal

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dignity. When we say you just

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crossed a line, we're talking about a

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psychological limit that marks the distinction between

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behavior that does not cause emotional harm

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and behavior that does cause emotional

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harm. The source for that

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definition is guidetopsychology.com.

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So, generally speaking, in healthy,

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active, engaging individuals, personal boundaries are the

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physical, emotional, and mental limits

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that we have put in place to

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protect ourselves from being manipulated, used,

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or violated by others.

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Are they necessary at times?

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Absolutely they are. I'm not

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saying don't do them. I'm just saying,

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generally speaking, in our lives, with

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our, relationships, they may not be

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necessary. And here's why.

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While they do allow us to separate who we are

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and what we think and feel from the thoughts and

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feelings of others, my question

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to myself and you is, what if they're

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not necessary? Many

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years ago, I realized I had too many

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boundaries. I had learned that

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boundaries were important, that I had to have

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them to be healthy and emotionally well.

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So what happened is I had learned that for

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this relationship, I needed these boundaries for that

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relationship, have these other boundaries. It

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wasn't too long before I had different boundaries for

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all of the various coworkers I worked with,

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different ones for different managers or executives,

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different ones for different family members, and yet

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another different range for

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friends. It was just too much

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to manage. Over time, it

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actually resulted in me dissecting myself into

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multiple personas. Where I showed

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up as this Dr. Dar or

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darshana, with this person, reserving certain aspects of myself.

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There were very few people where I was

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totally being myself. That's what

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I mean by dissecting myself into multiple

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personas, being a different person, or

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showing up as,

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allowing a few aspects of myself to be

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out in the open and hiding others,

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depending on who the person was. I also

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did that while dating. And none, of

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those relationships turned out well because I was

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holding myself back. I also

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realized that the root cause for creating all

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these boundaries was because I was not clear

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about my own values. I was

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unclear about what I would and would not tolerate

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in my relationships. I was unclear

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about my own core beliefs.

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And I also had varying

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degrees of a lack of self love, self

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esteem, and acceptance for my own inner

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being. I found that I was

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utterly influenced by others and had lost

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myself in the swirl of external

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influence. Until my body

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let me know that I was out of alignment,

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I kept going. My

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relationships were out of alignment. My workplace was out

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of alignment. My, personal

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time was out of alignment. My

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body could no longer support the extreme stress

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my m mind and silent emotion had put on

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it for decades, until

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my body gave me a choice. To look at myself, to love

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myself, to honor myself, and

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to accept myself or

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keep doing what I knew, keep doing what I had

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been taught to do m my whole life. Be the good girl,

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be obedient. Do what I tell you out of duty

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or respect. Conform to society and

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culture, because we don't do it that

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way. So you should do what we do.

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You should conform. Be what everyone

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expects and demands

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instead. As I lay in that hospital bed,

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I chose me. It took

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separating myself from all that I thought I knew for a

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while until I emerged.

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It took honoring my own thoughts, feelings,

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values, and lifestyle priorities,

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because deep down, I already knew.

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I didn't have to do a whole lot of soul searching. I just

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had to be silent enough to allow

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it to emerge, and I had to hear

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it. I had to allow myself to shut the

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outer noise out so I could listen to the wisdom

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of my inner self and voice. The

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body has amazing wisdom

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if we just tap into it. I also wonder

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if the world today would be more compassionate if more

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women had done the same or do the same.

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Granted, many are waking up and realizing that they have

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contributed in some way by being quiet and by

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conforming to the norms. Don't question,

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don't speak up. Don't share your wild ideas or thoughts.

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Don't contradict. Be respectful, and know your

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place. Those are messages that are

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rampant pretty much in every community

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today. Now, I understand

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that the women who came before us, our

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ancestors, the ones that stood up,

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were persecuted, punished,

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went through a lot of pain.

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But I don't believe that's the case today in

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2020. And I am inviting

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us as women to

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shift the paradigm, shift the mindset, starting

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at home, and in our communities, I'm an advocate for being respectful,

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being skilled in knowing how to have a healthy and, honoring

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conversation, knowing how to

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manage your needs and our needs in a community,

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knowing when something is out of alignment and how

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to address it for ourselves, followed by having the conversations to make

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requests out of that relationship, to bring it back into

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alignment, and acknowledging when it can't come into alignment

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and making honoring choices

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out of having that information and that

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knowing. What if instead, you

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and us, as women, had conversations about

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our values, how the other person's

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words, choices, or behaviors don't align with

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our values and if we would

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like to stay connected, having a conversation about

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what the requirements for the relationship are, if

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it were to continue, and asking them what their

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requirements are and you sharing what yours are

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and seeing where the alignment is and is not.

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Now, if those are called boundaries, I'm all for

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it. Or that type of conversation

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is. What if that conversation resulted

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in everyone realizing that there were divergent

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approaches? What if everyone could see that they

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could coexist for personal and professional expansion,

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understanding and compassion?

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Or what if that conversation resulted

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in some or all parties realizing that this

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connection and relationship had met m its

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completion and you all parted ways

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amicably without any drama, without

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any gossip. You just say, this group is wonderful. I feel my time

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here is complete, and I am choosing

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to, exit. If there's anything I

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can do, you know what my gifts and talents are

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in the future, reach out and then walk out

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with respect and honor. There's no hard

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feelings unless we bring it into the conversation.

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There have been times when I've said yes to a group or

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community. Then it changes a few days, a few

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weeks or months down the road, and it's no longer

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in alignment with what I said yes to, or what I

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thought I said yes to. I've invested

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money and time into groups and communities

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where this happens, weeks, months, or years into

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it. Today, I don't bring pushing

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energy to change it. I instead see that

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the time and my time and money has

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been served, that there's a higher purpose to it.

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I don't have to understand it, and my energy

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is no longer required there. I am

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free to allow something else to arrive, emerge

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and expand into my life and being.

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I also contemplate this whole irreconcilable

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differences that terminology used

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commonly in marital separation or

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divorce. I think it applies here

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oftentimes. It's time to say goodbye. I

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wish you and me the best in life

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and love. What if you and we could say

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goodbye and I love you, but we've been

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taught to stay. It's so deep in our genetic

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makeup and mindset. We've been taught to

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suck it up. We've been taught that it will sort itself out.

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So we stay to our detriment

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and ultimately to their detriment. We

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stay. Then we become resentful, bitter,

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unhappy, or worse over the

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longer term and our bodies

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suffer. Seeing where your requirements and

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the other persons or communities or groups, align

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or diverge is important. But you won't

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know until you ask and have the conversation. By sharing

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yours and asking for theirs, you would then

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know what you're willing to accept or

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not. Requirements are present all the

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time. Sure, they can change over time, and

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then you've got to have another conversation about it

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because, we are growing, expanding, dynamic

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individuals as human beings.

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But at any time, if a requirement is not

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present, then

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it's a deal breaker. Frankly, if a requirement is not

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present, then you've got to have the tough

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conversations. But what we do is we

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confuse needs and wants with requirements. And because we

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confuse them, we allow ourselves

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to be flexible with our requirements. They are

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not flexible. They are non negotiable. Requirements are non

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negotiable. And because we are

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confusing them with needs and wants,

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we allow ourselves to get let down repeatedly.

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Ever since I got clear about my solid

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requirements, ever since I got clear about my solid requirements,

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I no longer attract anything that is not

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aligned with my requirements

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and what they mean to me. And

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I know ahead of time whether a choice I'm presented

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with, an opportunity, new

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relationship, a question, an invitation, a

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job, or new customer place to spend my

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money. Really, anything in life is in

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alignment or out of alignment with me.

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I also am, clear about my relationship superpowers

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and my kryptonite. There are five relationship

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superpowers that I use in my coaching

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practice. Using my relationship

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superpower approach. Knowing which

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one is your natural strong suit and which one does not

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bring out the best in you also helps

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you know and me know when we're out

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of alignment and when we're not. I invite you to

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take the quiz. Take my [email protected]

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to learn what your superpower and kryptonite really

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are. After having used the relationship

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superpower approach in my coaching practice and in

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my own life for over ten

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years, along with looking at themes from the

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results of women who have taken the quiz

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over that time or duration, I'm

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finding that many women are super

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duper convinced their superpower is

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survival. Can you see the connection

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here with what I just talked about around requirements

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and staying and conformity.

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Women think their superpower is survival. They've

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become so skilled and adept at

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surviving. Now, as I said,

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those words, you're probably sensing something is a little bit

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out of alignment there. These women,

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their bodies and their emotions are telling them

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otherwise. They're tired. They feel out of alignment.

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They're in relationships that require survival

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or protection tactics, and they stay because

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they're so good at survival skills. Or so

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the mind says. Now, please know

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I'm not in any way, shape, or form telling

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you what you should or should not do. Ultimately, you

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are a choice. I'm just sharing some information

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with you and some guidance that maybe

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resonates. And if it doesn't, that's

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perfectly okay. So the mind says

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some things and tells us things out

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of conditioning and programming and things that we've

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been taught and learned. The body says something

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else. The wisdom of the body is

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powerful, and the relationship superpower approach

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taps into that wisdom. My relationship

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superpower approach, I should say,

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be clear about what your requirements are in all your

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relationships. For example,

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mine are reciprocity, harmony,

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love, and kindness. They

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come from my whole body. I can

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feel them. It's not just something my

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brain comes out with, with words, without

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feeling it deeply to the core of my body.

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From where my hair comes out of the roots and

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my scalp down to my tippy tippy toes, I

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can feel them. Reciprocity, harmony,

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love, and kindness.

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Also, being clear about what these words mean to me is

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a requirement. And for you, for

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example, as I was processing and

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really getting clear about my requirements, I had a lot

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of other words on my sheet of paper. For

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example, for me, respect, honor,

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flexibility, understanding, and compassion

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are all words I include in with the word

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love. Knowing my priorities in life

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also helps keep me in alignment.

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I call them lifestyle priorities. And

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my lifestyle priorities are my well being,

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my marriage and family, my home

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and my livelihood, in that

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order. Knowing my priorities keeps

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me aligned. I also consider in the

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domain of family, my chosen family. Those are my

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close friendships that I deeply care about and

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are reciprocal. So when anything comes

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along that does not align with my lifestyle priorities

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or my values, I know to wait

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or say thanks. It's not for me,

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or I know it's an ending to something that was

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good and is now out of alignment, without judgment or

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analysis. It simply is what it

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is. The root cause for needing or

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having boundaries for me

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is that we are dishonouring

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to ourselves. How can we expect others

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to honor us if we don't first honor ourselves.

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I believe energy attracts and repels.

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If we honor ourselves fully and wholly, then,

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we have the energy of honoring ourselves.

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We then find that we no longer attract

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anything that is dishonouring of ourselves.

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And if we do, we know how to handle it with honor,

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respect and love for self and all

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involved. To me, this approach is

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so much more empowering than a boundary.

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Let me know what you think by leaving a

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comment, reaching out to me on my website

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and sharing your thoughts with me. So here are

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the five ways to have healthy boundaries.

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First, take the relationship superpower quiz

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to learn about the five relationship

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superpowers and identify your

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specific natural superpower and your

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kryptonite. Remember, the kryptonite

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is the areas

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or energy that makes, you weak. That doesn't

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bring out the best in you. Then the second step is

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to identify and be clear about your top four or

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five values. Spend some time with this. It's

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really important and it just

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really feels good when you're clear

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about them and they're solid and grounded. Third,

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identify and be clear about your lifestyle

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priorities. I suggest no more than

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four or five. Ensure

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you're grounded, aligned and solid in your

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relationship superpower values and lifestyle

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priorities. As the fourth step.

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They don't change around or morph and they are a

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requirement. They are also an alignment

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tool for you as you make choices in your life going

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forward. The fifth step is for you

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to check in with your relationship superpower. Check in whether your

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kryptonite is active. Check in with

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your four or five values. Check

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in with your lifestyle priorities before you make

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choices in your life and ensure

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that the choice you're thinking of making

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or contemplating making is in full

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alignment. If it isn't, that's a

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message for you to wait or say

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no, not now. Also, I want

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to share with you what to do when your boundaries have failed you or

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are not working. I've already stated that I

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believe it's not necessary to have boundaries.

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Instead, I invite you to make a choice to have the

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conversations where you share your requirements of

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the relationship or event. For example,

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I've let my parents know in the past this happened when I was

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in my 30s that talking about me getting married at

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an event is not okay with me. So I would prefer

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that that topic not be brought up

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and we can all enjoy each other's company at that

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weekend's gathering. I also let them know that if someone

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brings it up, I'm going to change the subject or redirect it

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by asking them a question about their life goals or

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desires out of genuine curiosity,

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wanting to connect with them. And if it becomes a

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larger topic in a group, I will be silent to see if it

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subsides, and if not, I will politely and kindly

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excuse myself from the event if I'm unable to

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redirect the conversation in another direction.

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I, then ask for their support with this. Now,

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before I said all of that, I also said this

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ahead of time. I know that me being married

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is ultra important to you both, and I understand

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that. And I want that for

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me too, just not on your or this

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timeline. Clearly it's not happening right

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now. So when we get together, it

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becomes a big topic and then I get upset.

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There's emotion and drama and then no one's having a good

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time and enjoying each other. I don't want that to

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happen at this event. And I also,

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deep down know I don't have to bring this up,

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but I know that if the conversation with my

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parents had resulted in oh, we're going to talk

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about it because we care about you and your future and we love

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you. I know I would have said

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I appreciate the invitation. That's just not going

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to work for me at this time. So I'm choosing to stop by, say

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hello, and then leave. Or I could

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also say I'm choosing not to attend this time. I hope

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you all have a wonderful time. And then I change

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the conversation to a, ah, lighter topic so that we can reconnect

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on things we do share and love about each other in our

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lives. You can certainly call those boundaries,

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I call them, meaningful conversations that are

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honoring of each other, honoring of our

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values, honoring of our requirements, honoring of our

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lifestyle priorities. They are also self

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honoring conversations. As women,

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it's time for us to have these conversations.

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It's time for us to model them with kindness

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and compassion. There's no need to

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label it as feminist or any of these other

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labels. It's just time for us to teach others

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how to have these conversations by modeling them,

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which requires having them.