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Today, I'm talking about the power

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words like job security have on

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us and what to do about

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it. Recently, I

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received a text from a darling friend

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saying, hi, I'm thinking, thinking of

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you. I texted back, thank

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you. I'm working month end budgets and

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forecasts, which is not a whole lot of

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fun, but necessary for my gig as a relational

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project manager. I said. She

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texted back the words job

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security with a smiley face

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emoticon. As soon as

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she said those words, I noticed something vastly

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different was happening in me

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from a couple of years ago. It was

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strange. It was an

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emptiness, a

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void. I felt nothing.

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I thought nothing. I

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sensed nothing. I was neutral and calm.

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I sat there dumbfounded,

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trying to put words to what I was

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experiencing. It wasn't a

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feeling or a sensing or a thinking.

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It was a state of being. Could this be bliss? I asked myself

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that. Nirvana I've read and heard

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about. Fortunately, my

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dear friend is compassionate

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and incredible

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listener and ultra

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supportive. Because what I texted back was this.

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Because what I texted back was

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this. Those words are

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meaningless to me. I realized just now

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just how much unlearning work I

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have done, shedding social,

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corporate, generational,

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family, and other programming

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that's, frankly, not of my

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choosing. It hits me right now that those words, job

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security, were a way to manipulate

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guilt, shame, and control me,

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to keep me stuck in lack and

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fear. Not believing in myself

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and not having confidence.

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It's a false sense of loyalty that

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those words instilled in me.

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Those were words I had learned working in

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corporate, not elsewhere.

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I may have heard them a couple of times in

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university or college, but honestly,

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those were words I heard from managers

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and employees and that

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kind of relationship, no other kind of relationship.

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And then they're repeated. They were repeated

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through friends, even family

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members. But when I think about where they learned those

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words, it was

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a system kind of environment.

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What I realized is those words, the words

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job security instilled some.

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Those words, job security instilled

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subconscious fear in me. The

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fear of losing my job, losing money, losing the roof over my head,

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not having food, the

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fear of taking risks. Because if

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they go wrong, then I lose my

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job. Doing things that

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go against the norm, questioning the mindset

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of doing things the way they've always been done,

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the fear of financial scarcity,

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and more importantly, the fear of not being able

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to find another job that's better

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and healthier for me, where I can contribute

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and be of value and receive

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contribution and value. You see, those words, job security

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really instilled in me, programming in my whole

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body, but more importantly, my mind to

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think that there was nothing better

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out there, that the grass is green right

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there where I was in the

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not so ideal environment. It

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even created

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that security of staying, being better

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than leaving in relationships that

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were unhealthy for me. And all

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of that doesn't even touch the depth of the negative

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impact those words and other words

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have had on my psyche and body.

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I realized and shared with her that I have done so

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much inner and outer unlearning work,

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unlearning work to

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create healthy, happy, and harmonious relationships. And that unlearning work

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has had profound impacts that I don't think I fully

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realize or appreciate yet.

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And I thanked her because it takes

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moments like this one

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when she sent the words

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job security to me to bring my awareness

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to it. Most of my

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inner self and my life has been defined by

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others. Their conditions, their

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beliefs, their ideology, their

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dogma, their opinions and their

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relationship behaviors.

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How am I supposed to be? How should I be?

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How must I be? And of course, all the

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good girl stuff. I always felt I was different.

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But rather than put my different into the world, I just

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conformed. Because being the same as, everyone

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else was the way to survive and not become

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an outcast. And

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frankly, kept me from even worse scenarios of mental and emotional

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unwellness. It still

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didn't keep me that conforming or try to

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blend in didn't keep me from being discriminated

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against, being taken advantage of or

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bullied. And I wonder

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sometimes if I had just

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been me, unlearned everything so that me, the

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me, could show up and emerge

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earlier on, would things have been different?

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I'm not sure, because the

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world was different then. As a compassionate, generous,

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supportive, optimistic,

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loving, kind and caring person,

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it really was easy to fall

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into the trap of taking on other people's stuff.

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As a young, impressionable person,

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it wasn't till my 16th birthday

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that I began the

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unlearning work, and then

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not really until my 29th birthday.

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And today, 27 years later, I'm in

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awe and gratitude of how indirectly

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that the unlearning process

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has healed me and helped

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me have healthy,

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happy, harmonious

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relationships, an abounding

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abundance, and a life I love so

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very much. I m think about the traditional approaches to

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unlearning in the educational,

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medical, and frankly, some alternative health

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healing systems and methods. They

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all miss the mark for me because those

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systems, techniques, methods

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and technologies are all about

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learning. They're not about

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unlearning so they missed the mark

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completely because there's

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a significant degree of unlearning that needs to

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happen not just in the mind space,

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but also the emotional space and the whole body

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space. It wasn't until I

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started excavating beliefs, thoughts, feelings,

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ideas and principles and

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asking myself these key questions. Did

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I, the me,

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choose that belief? Is that a thought of my choosing?

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And where did that come from, originate from?

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Is that feeling of my own?

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Is that idea something I originated,

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came up with? Even

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if it was a conglomeration of other

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thoughts or readings or learnings? Is it still

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my idea? And do I

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really align with that value or that principle?

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Is that really, truly me or the me

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I should be? It wasn't until I started

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this excavation process that I started seeing how all the methods I had used

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previously, even the ones

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I was guided through, or even coerced

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through, with coaches and therapists and

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consultants I had hired in the past,

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missed the mark in a big way.

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I also learned that separating my mind from

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body also created

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the missed mark. I needed

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to reconnect mind and body because the me is not

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separate from my left brain, or my right brain,

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or my heart, or my gut, or my

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intuition, or my instinct,

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or my thinking, feeling, sensing,

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empathic feeling, being.

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I needed to listen to my mind, which, by the

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way, in today's vernacular means the

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left brain. And I

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added in, I needed to listen to my right brain, my

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whole mind. I needed to hear my

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heart. I needed to feel my gut. But more

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importantly, because my

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mind, m heart and gut had been programmed,

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conditioned, if you will, by others, through

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others and information

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and disinformation, they too caused confusion and

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resulted in me making decisions that

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created or ended up

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causing struggle, lack and even pain.

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But all of that was part of the unlearning

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process for me. That feeling and

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sensing where in my body,

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the thinking, the feeling, the sensing,

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the words that dictated my behavior were coming

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from, all of that was part of the

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learning process. These words,

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job security, when they were said to me, helped me

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realize that the wisdom

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within me resides in the space

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between my left and right breast. That

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sternum, that center point,

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is where my identity, that knowing,

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that certainty, that

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faith and clarity, and the feeling or sensation

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that my choices are the highest good

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choices, and that's where they

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reside. If I feel it anywhere else,

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then that's a message to me, to

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process these questions, to surface the me from that centered

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space. Now I bring this work to my clients

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and when they first get started,

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they are so reliant on their left brain,

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that their brain is driving their wisdom.

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It's hard at first for them to be whole body

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aware and hear the wisdom

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coming from different areas in their body.

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They may feel like it's their heart,

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or their gut, or even their head

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talking, but they quickly

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start to realize as they

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practice with me, that it's their left

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brain directing their heart or their

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gut or their intuition to

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respond. When Sheila came to me, she

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was in a relationship that she

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had been in for twelve years.

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She thought she was supposed to be in the relationship. She had

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convinced herself it was a good relationship,

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but it wasn't great. And she

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wanted to be more in control of her life, her

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thoughts, her feelings, herself, and be

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happier, not just in that relationship,

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but in all her relationships.

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She learned how much control

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her mind. Consequently, the

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programming for others had over her.

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She learned that her mind was doing the decision making

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and choosing, not her.

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And that's what allowed the

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thoughts and feelings and opinions

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of others to seep into her

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mind and then drive

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what was happening in her life.

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When Sheila experienced the difference

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when Sheila, experienced the difference between the

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going with your gut, trusting your heart,

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and the unquestionable

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knowing, that's grounded, unflappable and certain.

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From the space of her center, that

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space in the sternum, that

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energetic space of knowing,

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she screamed out loudly

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with joy, yeah,

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I'm not going to scream because it will blow your

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eardrums out, as it did a little bit for

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me. She said, this is me.

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I feel it. I feel the difference.

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She said, I feel light,

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I feel free and a joy that's

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indescribable. I

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said, yes. She said, I've been working so hard on myself

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forever with this therapist and

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that coach and this therapy

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model and

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that expert and reading

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this book and that book.

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But really, all that time, it was a process

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where I was looking for me.

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I just did not know that.

15:11

I had no idea that unlearning

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was the direct path to becoming

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healed. And for me

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to excavate, to

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find, to connect to me, for me to

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emerge, it took

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shedding and unlearning

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anything and everything that's not.

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And really, that was everything.

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I had to unlearn everything

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so that the me could

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emerge from the process

15:52

of everything that I had learned. So the unlearning doesn't go away.

15:59

You just unlearn what came

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from others so that the

16:05

you, the me can emerge.

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And then the pieces of the

16:10

learning that connect with

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the you, the me,

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emerges. And I said, this

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is what I call unlearning. And this unlearning work is

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what I call relationship alchemy.

16:25

In my signature

16:28

work, my soul's purpose

16:30

and work. What I'm here to do for

16:33

myself and give to

16:36

you. Relationship because it's because

16:42

relationship because every bit of struggle,

16:46

pain, fear, stress,

16:49

sadness, or anything that

16:52

is anything but joy

16:55

originated from someone else. If you really spend

16:58

some time thinking about it, and then it

17:01

formed as a relationship in your body

17:04

in the form of a thought, a feeling,

17:06

a sensation, even a

17:09

knowing, an opinion, even

17:12

a memory. And I chose

17:15

alchemy as the word because of the transformation that

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happens as a natural

17:20

byproduct of doing the unlearning

17:23

work. Unlearning is an

17:26

energetic, metaphysical, intentional,

17:29

purposeful and whole

17:31

body appreciative awareness process.

17:37

Today, I believe unlearning is the greatest gift

17:40

you can give yourself going forward.

17:43

Asking yourselves yourself. You

17:46

can get started by asking yourself the question I ask

17:49

myself every time a thought, feeling,

17:52

reaction, trigger, memory or

17:54

sensation comes to me. And when they come to you, you too

18:00

can get started with your unlearning process.

18:04

Rewind replay this podcast

18:07

because I've listed those questions earlier on.

18:12

And as always, please

18:14

know I'm here for you. And if

18:17

you want to learn more about ways that you can work with

18:20

me, and to learn more about the ways you

18:28

can work with me as you go through your unlearning

18:30

process. And if you want to

18:33

expedite it, have a quantum leap

18:36

if you will, and not take the years

18:39

that it took me. I'm happy

18:42

to help. And you can go to

18:45

drdar.com services

18:48

to learn more about those ways to work with me.

18:51

That's Drdar.com

18:54

services and I look forward to

18:57

chatting with you next time in my next podcast

19:00

right now. Honestly, I have not

19:03

posted in a while because I did a cross country move and

19:06

that's taken a lot of my time and energy

19:09

and frankly, a

19:11

year of unlearning even

19:14

more. But now I'll be coming

19:17

to you and dropping a

19:20

podcast at least once a month, maybe surprise you

19:23

twice a month. So sign up for my

19:26

newsletter when you do, go to drdar.com

19:29

so that you can get notified when

19:32

I drop a new podcast. And

19:35

again, thank you so much for the

19:37

gift of your listening and your time.