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Today I'm talking about overcoming

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rejection in your relationship. Many people have experienced rejection in their

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relationships, but it's not always easy

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to know exactly how to deal with it.

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Rejection can be very hard on your self

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esteem, self acceptance,

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emotional and nervous system, and

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just tanks your confidence.

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Some people may try to avoid the issue by

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withdrawing from the other person, while others may try to find out what they

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did wrong and try to fix it. There

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are also some people who'll try the

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revenge tactic to get back at the other

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person by intentionally making them

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feel rejected or trying to make them feel

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jealous. I tend to

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attract those people who want to

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know what they did wrong and try to fix

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it, while they also need the

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other party to work on themselves rather

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than deny anything is wrong or that they

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did anything to cause hurt feelings,

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much less admit they're engaging in rejection

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behaviors. People who want to know

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what they did wrong and try to fix it

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really do care

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so deeply about their relationships

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and people that they care about. Here are some examples of

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how rejection shows up in

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our lives Susan said

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her husband told her he's no longer and may

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never have been attracted to her.

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Jesse said that she had applied for 25

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jobs and has heard nothing. She's also been

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to five interviews and again,

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crickets. Paul said his wife

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complains about the way he dresses

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even after he puts on

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the clothes that she bought for him.

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Dana was fired because she was the best

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salesperson every month and the manager

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did not want to upset the full time, long term

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staff. Pam's son

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applied to 20 colleges

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and received 20 rejection

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letters. Yep, they're called rejection

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letters. Christine said

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her mother was not supportive of her goals or

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successes and would either change the

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subject or just talk down to her

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and let her know that whatever she'd accomplished was no

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big deal. Anyone could do it.

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Karen found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her

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and lying about it after she saw

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him snuggling up to another woman at a

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cafe. Barry said the

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one word he remembers m his emotionally abusive

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parents say to him the most

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was no, loudly,

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Zane said. He initiates romance with his

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partner but gets swatted away, so he's given

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up on intimacy. Paul

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is finding he can be free to do whatever he wants,

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and he enjoys watching porn. He pays

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exorbitant amounts of money each month to

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satisfy his habit. His wife is

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upset that he won't be intimate with

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her. Joni

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asked for a raise last year and her manager

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said no. He said the same thing

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five years in a row. She doesn't understand

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why because she's a hard worker,

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supports her manager and her teammates, and

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is a conscientious, caring

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employee. George

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learned that the lady he was dating had a boyfriend all

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along and had been lying to him for over

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six months. A few others that show up as you're a

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teenager and growing up, one could be

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not being asked for a couple skate at the skating rink

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as a teen, or being dumped by your

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boyfriend, or even going to Baskin

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robbins and being told they're out of your favorite

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flavor. Then you ask for your second

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favorite and are told they're out of that,

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too. I feel like I've

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provided ample, blatant and subtle

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examples of how rejection shows up in

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our lives. Here's a

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tip for you. I suggest you write yours

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down as you recall them. As you remember

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them, create a couple of

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pages or separate a couple of

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pages in your journal or in your notebook

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and put, the heading of my rejection list.

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And as you remember them, as you have these

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feelings of being rejected, write those

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memories down. Doing that will

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give you freedom, healing, and assist

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you with shifting your relationship to

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rejection to a more self

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empowered acceptance

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space. You will be

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amazed at how many things come up for you

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to write down in just a week.

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The act of writing it down is the first step in

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releasing the energy and healing the stored

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pain associated with that

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memory. Given that I'm

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going to focus on romantic relationships today, I want you

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to know that everything I share does apply to

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rejection. In any relationship or situation,

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rejection is something we deal with every

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day. It's painful,

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it's hurtful, it's

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suffocating, it's damaging, it's

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depressing, it's disappointing, and it's

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traumatic. There is nothing

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worse as a caring,

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loving, compassionate human being

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to not be wanted, valued or needed. It

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slowly dims a light in our hearts and

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souls. It affects our mental,

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emotional and physical well being and

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our relationships going forward, even

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with ourselves. For some, it's debilitating to the point of not

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being able to function. Others throw themselves into work or caring for the

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kids and others keep trying to make

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themselves attractive and

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prove their worth to make them wanted.

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This all happens at work and in our personal

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relationships. Now please don't get mad

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at me. Now you may start to see rejection

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everywhere and examples of it and know

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that people around you have been hurt by

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rejection. Whether you

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realize it or not, it's time for you to have

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a relationship mindset shift

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about rejection so that

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you can heal and be healthy.

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Anytime someone says no to you,

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anytime someone dismisses you,

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or anytime you experience

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rejection, I am committed to you healing everything that looks

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like, feels like or is rejection

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to you. The thing

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is, in my experience of coaching couples,

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teams and individuals, their experience of

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rejection is usually directly connected

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to the first time they felt unwanted as

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a child. Because if you

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didn't feel that early in childhood,

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chances are you wouldn't really know what that is as you

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grow older and you'd be kind

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of neutral and indifferent to it if it

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were to happen. Being told

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no, not now or later

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are all things we heard as children and

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then made it mean that we were unwanted or

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rejected. To feel unwanted

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as a child is the most devastating thing

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to their psyche and we

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carry it forward into

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adulthood. That

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experience of being unwanted then gets stored as a memory in

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your cells. I'm unwanted.

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I suck, I'm not

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worthy. I can do better and be better.

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I, want to be wanted. I need to

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be wanted. And so on goes

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these thoughts. This memory

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then triggers the need to belong, the need

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to be accepted and loved in all areas of our

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lives. This is a very

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foundational, basic need. And yet it's the hardest

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to get satisfied and fulfilled

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because in many respects we depend on others to

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get that need met. It's almost like the person rejecting you

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or the situation rejecting you has a

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vice grip on you, making you hyper

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focused on doing things to

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be better or make them want

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you. It becomes intensely

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unbearable to not be wanted,

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valued or recognized by

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them. After all, you're a

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great person. You do all

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kinds of things to prove to them that you're wantable,

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lovable and worthy. Only m

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to find that everything you do

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to make them want you the way you want

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them to, the way you want them,

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just is

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not working. So what are you supposed to do?

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You're a kind, compassionate, generous

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person who naturally nurtures,

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cares for and helps others.

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It's not in your nature not to try to make things

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better, to try to give them some joy

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in their day, to do things for them

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and going way above and beyond.

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It's a lot to process and handle and

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manage, and it's

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embarrassing to talk with anyone about it

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because everyone thinks everyone loves you and that you have really

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great relationships. When

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you're out on vacation or having a meal with friends,

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you are loving towards each other.

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I believe that rejection is the root, at the

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root of what ails humanity today.

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So it's crucial and beneficial

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to reframe what Rejection is and

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how you will choose to allow it

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to impact you and your life going forward.

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When you heal. By shifting your relationship

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with rejection, you also create

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an energetic shift in yourself

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from a place of blame, shame, lame and

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same that you've named and

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claimed to

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a place of self empowerment,

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self esteem, self

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confidence, and self

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love. A place where you believe in yourself

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unwaveringly. A place where you

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put yourself high up on that pedestal,

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right next to the person you hold in high regard

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and higher than those you hold in lower regard.

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A, place where you put yourself first. A

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place where you matter. A place where

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you do not have to prove yourself.

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A place where you know that the person doing the

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rejecting is the one that's

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unhealed. A place where you can

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have compassion, even love,

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but no longer be in a space

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for them to mistreat you. A place where you decide to no

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longer allow anyone or

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anything that uses rejection tactics to

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affect you, impact you, change

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you, or diminish you in any shape or

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form. You see,

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rejection is a means to control, manipulate,

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and more importantly, keep you small and

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weak. Some do it intentionally,

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but most do it because they're unheard,

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healed, they're hurting, and they have

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unresolved issues with being loved, wanted,

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and valued, too. You

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don't have to look far to see examples of how

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rejection is propagated in popular

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culture. Take the

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reality show the bachelor, for example.

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The show is predicated on young women

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parading around, proving their worth to the

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bachelor, all the while hoping,

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waiting, raising their game, and

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intensely competing with each other

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so that he chooses her and then

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everyone else is rejected.

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I'm a big fan of words, their meaning

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and origination and the energy in the word.

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So I want to share a little bit about

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the meaning of the word reject or

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rejection and how it originated. here are some

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definitions. Objects or

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parts rejected from a collection.

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The act of throwing off or away.

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Refusal to accept or grant casting

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off. Refuse to accept

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something. An immunological response that refuses to

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accept substances or organisms

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that are recognized as foreign. Here's

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the history of the word that I always find interesting.

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In the early 15th century, rejection meant

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to set aside or block from

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inheritance. Later in the 15th

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century, it shifted to refusing to

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acquiesce or submit to.

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The origin of the word is from the old french

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word rejecte, and is directly

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from Latin reject us or rejectare.

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And it meant, at that point in time to throw

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away castaway, to vomit or to

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throw back. By the

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1530s, it shifted to mean throw away

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as undesirable or useless,

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or refused to take for some purpose.

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Now pay attention to this one.

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In the 1560s to the

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1580s, it came to

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mean to repel or rebuff

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someone who makes advances of any

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kind, especially of a

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woman refusing a man

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as a lover or husband. But

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here's the thing. It's the woman doing the

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rejecting at that point in time.

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By the 1660s, it shifted to

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refusing something offered. In

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1893, it shifted to

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mean, a person considered low quality and

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worthless. In 1925, it was

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added from use in the militaries

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in reference to men unsuitable for

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service. Then in 1953, the medical sense

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of the definition was added to show an

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immune response to a transplanted organ.

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Also in the 19th century, it could

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also mean excrement. I especially

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love that last one, don't you?

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It feels like excrement and our thoughts become

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like excrement. That made me smile a

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bit. I hope it made you smirk too.

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If you've surmised from the definitions I just shared

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that humans start with a root definition,

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usually derived from Latin, and then

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update or change it with the times, you are

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so right. Consequently, you may

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as well make up a meaning that serves you in the

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best, most healthy way possible. Right?

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Here are my ideas on reframing the meaning of

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rejection. First,

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reframing is the process of transforming what has

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happened to you into positive,

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constructive self thoughts, and

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thoughts about the occasion or situation.

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Tied to this is also transforming your thoughts about who

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you are into self accepting and loving

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thoughts and things that you've

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learned. It's not about ignoring

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or avoiding the bad experiences in your

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life, it's more about managing your reaction

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to them and about moving forward by

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examining things in a purely

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factual, logical manner, removing

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the feeling and the emotion of it,

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which, when tied to the experience and the

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memory, is way more intense.

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When you look at it logically, you'll notice how much

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meaning, interpretation and

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negative thinking that gets made up and put into

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it. Getting your thoughts and feelings

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out of your head and written down will help you bring

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some objectivity to it. I've

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prepared a chart and some worksheets to help you map out your

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thoughts feelings and facts of

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your experiences of rejection,

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send me an email to [email protected].

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That's supportlove at ah, drdar.com. And

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put rejection worksheets in the subject line.

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I'll respond and send them to you right away.

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Back to the reframing process.

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Rejection is about freedom of

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choice. I know that's hard to even

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imagine right now, but

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rejection is about freedom

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to choose and of choice.

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Stay with me here. I'll explain it.

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The other person is making a choice to reject.

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Or perhaps you're making a choice to reject yourself.

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And you too are making a

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choice even in the midst of

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reacting to the act of having been rejected.

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When you feel rejected, what choices are you making?

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Perhaps it's to feel bad. Perhaps it's

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to prove your worth. Perhaps it's

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to, become a better person. Perhaps it's to be

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sad and be depressed.

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That's a beneficial and crucial question for you to sit

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with. When you feel rejected, what

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choices are you making? Another way

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to ask yourself this question is,

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what am I choosing in this moment

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as I am processing my

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thoughts or the feeling of being

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rejected? Most of my clients say I don't know right

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away. Then they'll lay all the blame and

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anger on the other person. But after

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some back and forth dialogue with me,

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they say I'm choosing to be hurt with this,

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when I could be choosing to think about it factually.

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When I do that, I see that what happened

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was less about me and more about them and their

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issue. I can choose to learn from

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this experience and come away from it healed,

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healthy, and whole. Here are some additional things

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you can do to support yourself around feeling and being

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rejected. Pay attention

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to how rejection in the past redirected

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you to something better for you

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later on, or protected you in some

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way. It's easier to see this after the

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fact, but you'll be able to embrace the redirection from

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rejection as a gift going

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forward, so that when rejection happens in

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the future, you won't be harshly

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impacted by it because you will

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know something better than this is on its

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way. Or you are being

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helped to see things

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clearly or move on from something

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that isn't ideal for you right now.

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Here are some steps you can take to be

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healthy, happy, and whole when you're

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faced with rejection going forward.

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Number one, stop reading and

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watching anything that has rejection messaging in

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it, like the Bachelor show example I

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shared with you. Number

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two, use the charts and worksheets

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I've got for you to get your thoughts and feelings

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onto paper. Get them out of your head where your

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analysis can be chaotic and create a

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worse emotional storm within you.

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Email me at [email protected]

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with rejection worksheets in the

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subject line and I will send them to you.

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Writing it all down will help you see things more

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logically. It'll give your mental and emotional

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system a break. You'll be telling your mental and

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emotional system it's all written down now so you can

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rest. This really

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works. Step three, follow me on Instagram at

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drdarhawks for more tips like this.

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And step four, I invite you to take the

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relationship languages quiz at, relationshiplanguages.com to better

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understand your priorities and

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requirements and needs and

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motivations in your relationships.

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Because when you reorient what's

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happening in your life and your relationships

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to your specific relationship

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language, your life and relationships will

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change. You'll have more self confidence,

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your esteem self esteem will be higher,

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and you'll start to attract

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more people who care for you

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and will nurture you. Lastly, I want you to know that I am here

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for you to be of service and

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help you be the best you can be for

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yourself and in your

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relationships. Thank you for giving

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me the gift of your time and listening.

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Can'T wait to chat with you next time.