0:24

Welcome to the Better Relationships podcast, where

0:27

Dr. Dar Hawks, the relationship healer,

0:30

shares the advice and insights you need to create

0:33

the healthy, happy, and harmonious relationship

0:36

you deserve.

0:45

Welcome to episode 30 of the Better

0:47

Relationships podcast cast. My topic

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today answers the question, what does a relationship

0:53

coach do? I'll start with this

0:55

quote. Our greatest joy and

0:58

our greatest pain comes in our

1:01

relationships with others. That's by

1:03

Stephen Covey, and he's the creator of the seven

1:06

habits for highly effective people. Whenever

1:09

I introduce myself as a relationship coach, I am

1:12

sometimes asked, what does a relationship coach

1:14

do? And what comes out of my mouth first is the

1:17

quote by Stephen Covey. When I

1:20

think back on all of the struggles I've had in my life, I

1:23

have to admit that every single one was directly

1:26

related to an issue in a

1:28

relationship, whether that was with a family member,

1:31

friends, coworkers, people that

1:34

I hired to do some work for me or

1:37

help me with something, a company.

1:40

Basically, we have relationships

1:42

with people, places, and things,

1:45

and we have a relationship to ourself. So

1:48

relationships are really what makes life

1:51

work out great or not so much.

1:54

For the purposes of this podcast, I'm going to focus

1:57

on romantic love relationships. As

2:00

I reflect on my life, I see that I

2:03

could have benefited from relationship coaching,

2:06

but I had no idea it was even a thing.

2:09

And now here I am, as a

2:12

professionally trained relationship coach, sharing with

2:15

you what a relationship coach does.

2:19

Let me first share with you that it's really challenging,

2:21

I think, to describe

2:24

with clear words what

2:27

coaching is, because it's

2:30

so experiential and each person's

2:32

experience is unique. So I can

2:35

only share with you my approach and

2:38

generalized, descriptions of what relationship

2:41

coaching is, and I will do my best to do

2:44

that for you. Now, relationship

2:46

coaching is a subset of

2:49

life coaching that focuses on helping you

2:52

prioritize and improve yourself, your

2:55

life, your work, and your relationships.

2:58

So you can see there's a whole life coaching

3:00

kind of feel to it or theme to it.

3:03

That's because I'm an advocate for being a life

3:06

coach with a specialty in

3:08

relationships. Because to be able to

3:11

coach and support a whole person,

3:14

you need to understand life coaching

3:17

principles because you are not

3:20

dissected into these different

3:22

pieces for how you are at work,

3:25

how you are at home, how you are with your

3:27

parents, how you are with your partner. You

3:30

are a whole person, and then you have a m life that you

3:33

share with other people. And

3:36

so being trained and being able to

3:38

coach a whole person, because your

3:41

relationships, you, your life, and your partner

3:44

are intricately tied together

3:47

is important. Relationship coaches

3:50

can be general or they can specialize in a

3:53

specific area such as marriage,

3:55

dating, family, parenting,

3:59

career oriented relationships, or a romantic

4:02

love or couples coach. Relationship coaches

4:04

are professionally trained to hear your

4:07

concerns, champion your goals and aspirations,

4:10

understand your unique situation, and offer

4:13

expert insights tailored to your

4:15

specific needs. Relationship

4:18

coaching isn't just for couples. It can

4:21

also benefit happy, healthy relationships and

4:23

individuals with a proactive approach to building and

4:26

maintaining a successful relationship. Relationship

4:29

coaching actually empowers you to take charge of your

4:32

own happiness while working towards creating a

4:34

fulfilling partnership with your significant other.

4:37

First and foremost, a relationship coach creates

4:40

a safe space where you share

4:43

openly, honestly and frankly just end

4:46

up gushing. because of the space your coach

4:49

creates for you, you feel safe. You feel like you

4:52

can share anything with them and know that they're not going

4:55

to share it with anyone else, that they have a confidentiality

4:58

policy, and you know that you

5:01

can trust them with your heart and your soul and your mind.

5:04

Relationship coaches will help you identify your strengths and

5:06

weaknesses, understand your own values and

5:09

beliefs, help you work through differences you have

5:12

with people or that you see, and help you find

5:15

common ground with them. help you resolve issues

5:18

and give you the tools to handle future conflicts on

5:21

your own. And to be honest, they

5:24

will help you avoid or prevent

5:28

conflicts and teach you how

5:31

to see or notice or be aware

5:34

when a conflict is about to start

5:37

or something is on the way to a

5:40

potential conflict so that you can nip it in the bud before

5:43

it becomes this big thing that you've got to

5:46

contend with. They will teach you healthy

5:49

relationship skills and show you

5:52

communication, and listening techniques to help you in your

5:55

unique circumstance and situation and

5:58

the personalities that you're dealing with. They

6:01

will also help you see things from a different and healthy

6:03

perspective to help you optimize your

6:06

relationship mindset and resolve whatever it is you're

6:09

dealing with. A relationship mindset, that's

6:12

really my terminology for my brand

6:15

and what it means is what

6:18

are your thoughts, behaviors and

6:21

attitudes about your own relationship,

6:23

about your past relationships and

6:26

about your current relationship? What are your thoughts and feelings about your partner?

6:32

And what are your attitudes and

6:35

behaviors and thoughts and feelings that you've carried

6:38

forward from family relationships

6:40

or other relationships that had an impact on

6:43

you that may be affecting your current

6:46

relationship? They will assist you with identifying

6:48

and addressing patterns or behaviors that could be

6:51

causing a strain in your relationship

6:54

or that could cause one in the

6:57

future. They help you work towards becoming the

7:00

best version of yourself so that you can be a

7:02

better partner. They help you identify your needs and

7:05

get them met. And by the way, if you want to know more about

7:08

my body of work around needs, take my

7:11

sovereign relationship needs quiz

7:14

at relationshipneeds me

7:17

and you will learn what your primary,

7:19

secondary and weakness needs

7:22

are. And I'm not going to explain those terms

7:25

right now to you, but you will learn all

7:28

about them and get pdfs that explains each of the five

7:31

human needs in my body of work that

7:34

happen in relationships. The beauty

7:37

of this of identifying your sovereign relationship

7:40

need is that it guides everything that you

7:42

do, all the choices that you make,

7:45

how you're going to interact with your partner. Because

7:48

when you're feeling that need present

7:51

not as a need anymore, but as a

7:53

superpower, if you will, then you're going to be at your

7:56

best and you're going to be able to make decisions from that

7:59

place and just be patient if you're

8:02

not in that space. Relationship coaches will

8:05

also help you strengthen your existing relationship with your

8:07

partner, save your relationship, or

8:10

help you amicably part ways. If

8:13

that's what you and your partner choose to

8:16

do, that is what you will choose to

8:18

do. They will help you address a recurring or

8:21

unresolved issue, help you with communication

8:24

issues or listening issues, help you with

8:27

unrealistic goals or expectations,

8:29

and help you set some

8:32

goals and expectations. They also will help you

8:35

identify and reach those goals, either together

8:37

or individually. And by addressing these

8:40

issues together with your relationship coach, you can better

8:43

understand every person's point of view as well as your

8:46

own. Identify where the common ground is and

8:49

find effective ways to manage yourself through

8:51

where common ground doesn't exist, where your

8:54

differences are, where your disagreements are. They

8:57

will help you get really comfortable with your in your own

9:00

skin. accept and love yourself

9:03

first, and

9:05

then help you allow

9:08

and let yourself be loved and appreciated and

9:10

accepted by others. They will help you learn

9:13

how to accept and give compliments the right

9:16

way to where you and your partner

9:19

truly feel appreciated. Whether it's a small

9:22

disagreement or a major argument, I

9:25

believe everybody faces conflict at some point in their

9:28

life, and relationship coaches will help you sort out those

9:31

conflicts by giving you tools and techniques to resolve them

9:34

in a healthy and productive manner. They will

9:37

do that much faster, with

9:39

less angst, with less stress

9:43

than you can on your own. Some of the

9:45

techniques can involve finding new ways to connect and

9:48

deepen intimacy, improve trust and

9:50

commitment, reignite commitment in the

9:52

relationship, and improve communication and

9:55

listening to deepen intimacy as well.

9:58

With the guidance of a relationship coach, couples

10:01

can learn how to communicate effectively, express their needs

10:04

and desires, and have a dialogue

10:07

to further or to help you get your needs

10:10

and desires met and navigate conflicts in a

10:13

healthy and productive manner. It's easy to think that things will

10:15

stay the same romantic, lovey dovey way as when

10:19

you and your partner agreed to be in a committed relationship.

10:22

But the reality is that you and your partner will

10:24

grow over time. Your goals and desires

10:27

change, and life brings situations that cause

10:30

change. That kind of change can either draw you

10:33

closer or push you further apart. So your

10:36

relationship coach will help you navigate

10:39

change in your life so that you can continue to maintain a

10:42

close relationship with your partner. And I'd like to

10:45

say whether you stay together or not, my

10:47

clients have said these things about my relationship coaching

10:50

services and I'm sharing them with you because I feel like they are a

10:53

strong guideline for ensuring you're being

10:56

nurtured and cared for by your coach.

10:59

I call them the six guideposts for being relationship

11:02

coached. So here they

11:05

are. The first one is you feel safe, heard

11:08

and supported. The second one is you don't feel

11:10

judged, nor do you feel like there are any

11:13

biases or ideologies being

11:16

pushed on you. You're not afraid to open

11:19

up, to bury your soul and your heart, and you

11:22

feel safe to do that. You feel free to

11:24

express your emotions and

11:27

reactions however they come out and

11:30

know that you're going to be accepted and supported.

11:33

You feel supported between sessions and

11:36

you also look forward to your

11:39

sessions with your coach. Those are all a good

11:41

indicator that this coach is an

11:44

ideal match for you. You may be wondering,

11:47

but isn't that what a therapist does? Well, there

11:50

is some overlap, but relationship coaching is

11:53

different from therapy. Therapy focuses

11:56

on healing past wounds, typically, and treating mental

11:59

and emotional health issues. And relationship

12:02

coaching tends to be more proactive and focused on the present

12:05

and future of a relationship. I want to share a little bit about

12:08

ontological coaching because that's more of what I

12:10

do, along with, choice theory and

12:13

reality therapy. Those are terms that may not make sense

12:16

to you, but I'll do my best to explain them now. Ontology

12:19

means the science of being and so

12:22

ontological coaches have been trained

12:25

and continue their education. By the way,

12:28

in m studying humans, what it is to be

12:31

human, why is it that we behave and do the things we

12:34

do? What drives the choices that we

12:36

make, what motivates and inspires

12:39

us? And the key questions that we

12:42

seek to answer with our clients are what is

12:45

serving you, what isn't serving you, and your

12:48

highest good. And what choices are you

12:51

making that are serving you and aren't serving

12:54

you? And that's a very powerful model that

12:56

creates incredible results for my

12:58

clients. In addition to orienting

13:01

around the relationship needs that I shared earlier,

13:04

relationship coaching offers a safe space for

13:07

you and your partner to address difficult topics without judgment or

13:13

bias. Relationship coaches are trained to

13:15

listen more than they talk. Sometimes they do have

13:18

to talk a lot because that's what the client asks, but their

13:21

listening is powerful and they create

13:24

this container where you truly find

13:26

yourself sharing and sharing and sharing

13:29

because of the space that they've created to

13:32

truly hear you and support you.

13:35

They, are trained to provide a nonbiased

13:37

perspective without taking

13:40

sides, which m allows

13:43

both of you to express your feelings and needs without fear

13:46

or criticism. That can

13:48

lead to deeper understanding and communication within the

13:51

relationship, just in the coaching conversations that

13:54

you're having together with your partner and your

13:57

coach. While therapy can be

13:59

incredibly beneficial for individuals with

14:02

deep rooted psychological and emotional issues,

14:05

coaching is geared towards individuals who seek to

14:08

improve their current relationships and create a better

14:11

future in life for themselves. Also,

14:14

relationship coaches have a more practical

14:16

approach to problem solving.

14:20

Their approach is not only to solve the problem,

14:23

but also to put in measures so that that problem

14:28

doesn't continue to recur in your life. And

14:31

if it does look like it's popping up,

14:34

provide you with the tools and techniques to nip it in the bud.

14:37

They may offer specific strategies and techniques for improving

14:40

your communication, managing conflict

14:43

or rebuilding trust in your relationship.

14:46

They also will help you become more

14:49

secure and stable in yourself so that, for

14:51

example, jealousy issues, distrust

14:54

issues, snooping, those kinds

14:57

of things no longer happen. Coaching

15:00

tools that you get from your relationship coach can be

15:03

implemented immediately in

15:06

your real life and they lead to tangible

15:08

results that sometimes you will experience immediately, and they'll

15:13

benefit you in other relationships and, areas of

15:16

your life as well. With your relationship coach, you will

15:19

also receive personalized support

15:23

tailored to your unique needs as a couple. Often

15:25

you will find your relationship coach creating

15:28

tools for you, specifically for

15:31

you in the moment, to help you

15:34

with your situation and

15:37

tailored to you and who you are. Unlike

15:39

therapy, which tends to have a more generalized

15:42

approach with packaged tools and

15:45

techniques that already exist, coaching also

15:47

takes into account the specific dynamics and challenges

15:50

that you're having in your relationship. The

15:53

main goal of relationship coaching is to empower you to

15:56

better manage your relationships, to create

15:59

fulfilling and satisfied

16:01

connections. It focuses on

16:04

building healthy communication skills,

16:07

building trust and intimacy. And honestly,

16:10

this is the crux of it, creating and

16:12

maintaining a strong foundation for

16:15

long term success. I call that

16:18

your relationship plan. Relationship

16:20

coaching is not just reserved for couples in

16:23

trouble. It can benefit happy and healthy

16:25

relationships as well by helping you maintain a,

16:28

strong connection, again, keeping

16:31

communication skills optimal

16:34

and navigating any challenges that can arise. I

16:37

personally don't think therapy and coaching can be done

16:39

simultaneously. According to the relationship

16:42

Coaching Institute where I received my singles, couples and

16:45

family coach training, coaching starts

16:47

where therapy ends. And I think that just says

16:50

it so completely and clearly. Here are some differences between coaching

16:56

and therapy. Therapy assumes the client

16:59

needs healing, that there's something broken.

17:02

Coaching assumes the client is whole and

17:05

complete. Therapy has its roots in

17:07

medicine and psychiatry and frankly, both

17:10

those disciplines

17:13

are rooted in patriarchy and

17:16

those approaches and mindsets.

17:18

Coaching is rooted in sports, performance,

17:21

business, self growth and other venues that

17:24

are all about improving ourselves and

17:27

accomplishing what we want to accomplish in

17:30

our lives and feeling really

17:32

joyful and happy and satisfied with where

17:35

we are, who we are and where we're going.

17:38

Therapy works with people to achieve self

17:41

understanding and emotional healing.

17:43

Coaching works to move people to a higher level of

17:46

functioning and higher level of

17:49

functioning. Relationships Therapy

17:51

focuses a lot on feelings and past based

17:54

events and past relationships.

17:57

Coaching focuses on actions in the present,

18:00

choices in the present, and

18:02

designing the future from the

18:05

present. Therapy explores the root cause and the root of

18:08

problems to where you have to relive them over and over

18:11

again. As my clients have told me,

18:14

coaching actually focuses on solving problems

18:17

and more importantly, preventing them.

18:20

Therapy works to bring the unconscious into your

18:22

consciousness and coaching works with the conscious

18:25

mind, which I have found also

18:28

benefits the unconscious mind as well.

18:31

Therapy works for internal resolution of pain

18:34

and the letting go of old patterns. Coaching

18:37

works on providing solutions to

18:40

overcome barriers, learn new skills,

18:43

implement healthy choices and

18:46

habits, and as a result of that, pain

18:49

can get removed along with pattern,

18:51

older patterns that are not serving you fall to

18:54

the wayside because I take the approach of what's

18:57

serving you and what isn't serving you. It's pretty

19:00

easy for my clients to see, well, that's not serving me.

19:03

Why am I? I shouldn't keep doing that. I'm going to stop. And it's

19:06

easier for them to stop once they

19:08

recognize what is and is not serving them.

19:11

Why don't more people get help from a relationship

19:13

coach? Well, here are a few reasons that you

19:16

may resonate with and understand. They might fear that

19:19

they will be judged or controlled or pushed

19:22

to do something they don't want to do or push to

19:25

change who they are. They might feel embarrassed or

19:28

ashamed for seeking outside help with their relationship.

19:31

They might feel like they should be able to handle things on their

19:33

own. They have a desire to keep things private and fear

19:36

that their family or community will find out. They have

19:39

a public Persona of things

19:42

are great in front of their

19:45

communities. They want to keep things private. They don't

19:48

want their family or community or coworkers

19:51

to know. So they put on this brave front

19:54

and behave as though everything's fine,

19:57

everything's great. They might have a misconception that

19:59

only couples in dire straits or on the verge of

20:02

a breakup need coaching, which is far

20:05

from the truth. They also might have a lack

20:08

of awareness that relationship coaching is even a thing

20:11

or an option like I did. Consequently,

20:14

they opt for doing nothing, choosing to talk with friends

20:17

or family. Or they think the only option they have is

20:20

religious counseling or therapy. They might think that

20:23

admitting they need help is a sign of weakness. On

20:26

a side note, in the years that I've been a

20:29

relationship coach, I have to say at least

20:31

80% of my clients have come to me

20:34

and their partner is not in

20:37

support of therapy because of the stigma

20:40

associated with it, but also because

20:43

they don't want to rehash the old

20:46

going through the past, digging through the past. Their

20:49

partners are more focused on the now and what they can

20:52

do for tomorrow. And that's where coaching is

20:55

very beneficial. So if you have

20:58

someone or with a partner who is

21:00

resistant or thinks coaching is therapy, they

21:03

are very different and they might be more open

21:06

and accepting of coaching. The truth is, seeking

21:09

guidance and support from a relationship coach shows strength

21:12

and commitment to making your relationship thrive.

21:15

It takes courage to admit that you might need some help in

21:18

this aspect of your life. Seeking the assistance of a

21:20

relationship coach is actually a sign

21:23

of your strength and commitment to making your

21:26

relationship better and becoming a better

21:29

partner for your partner. In our society,

21:32

we focus on individual growth

21:34

and self care and our careers,

21:37

but we neglect the importance of investing in

21:40

our relationships. Our relationships don't

21:43

just go on autopilot and work

21:46

effectively and harmoniously

21:49

for the rest of our lives. Relationship coaching can

21:51

benefit any type of couple. Doesn't

21:54

matter where you're from, who you are, who

21:57

you're with, or what type of relationship

22:00

you are. Whether you're just getting into a

22:02

relationship, getting out of a relationship,

22:06

or a newlywed, or

22:09

your long term partners or short term

22:12

partners, you can benefit from relationship coaching

22:14

also. It's not about fixing problems only.

22:17

It's also about making things better, bringing

22:20

more things into your life that work for you

22:23

and when you're in that sweet spot,

22:26

life is easier and things start happening for

22:29

you. Doors start opening because your energy is

22:32

changing to that of attraction, which

22:35

is what I want to talk about next. As a relationship

22:38

coaching institute certified relationship coach,

22:41

I am professionally trained for these five

22:44

stages of relationships and to coach you

22:47

in any of the five or all of them together.

22:49

Readiness coaching. Readiness coaching to

22:52

me is all about becoming ready for the

22:55

relationship that you're in as individuals. We

22:58

are single for a long time and we know how to do,

23:01

know ourselves and we know how to do single or

23:04

be an individual. But becoming a couple

23:06

requires a lot of different things. Readiness

23:09

coaching addresses questions like who am I? What do I

23:12

want? How do I get what I want? What type of person

23:15

do I want to be with? Am I with this type of

23:18

person? Is what I'm doing in my life today? And

23:20

is my relationship serving me for my

23:23

highest good? In what areas is it not serving

23:26

me and addressing those types of things?

23:29

Readiness coaching benefits you whether or not

23:32

you are in a relationship and the coaching

23:35

activities walks you through your relationship

23:37

history and helps you define

23:40

or determine identify what from your history

23:43

is impacting you today and isn't serving you

23:46

and what is impacting your relationship today

23:49

and isn't serving your relationship today. Going

23:51

through a, personality assessment with the

23:54

intention to get you to the point where you truly love yourself,

23:59

all of you, your traits, behaviors, values,

24:02

preferences, dare I say, even your

24:05

mistakes and where things didn't

24:08

go well or where your choices weren't serving you,

24:11

helps you identify your goals, wants and needs and it

24:13

clarifies your relationship vision, life

24:16

vision, your requirements, needs and wants because those are

24:19

slightly different from your personal needs and vision.

24:22

Most of the couples I've worked with or individuals

24:25

I've worked with, they don't have a life vision. they don't really

24:28

know what their requirements are. And

24:31

when I first ask them what do you need or what do you want?

24:34

Their quick answer usually is I don't know, I'm focused

24:37

on my partner or I'm focused on the person I care about.

24:40

Can we focus on them because I know what they want?

24:43

But here's the thing. When you get clear about your vision, requirements,

24:46

needs and wants, then you can communicate them better. And

24:49

not only that, you can get them met and talk with your

24:51

partner about ways to get them met. Most

24:54

importantly, when you know what your requirements, needs and

24:56

wants are and you have a relationship vision and

24:59

a vision for yourself, you know when you're going off the

25:02

rails. You know, when things aren't serving you and you

25:05

will know what to do to course correct.

25:08

You also will create a profile of your life

25:10

partner so that you know

25:13

how to navigate the things that

25:16

are serving your highest good and the things from

25:19

them that aren't serving you. The things that aren't serving

25:22

you may result, or

25:25

it may end up that you're not going to be able to change your partner. Right.

25:28

Your partner is not going to want to change that aspect of

25:30

themselves. And so that profile will help

25:33

you put together strategies of how

25:36

to manage through that as you're accepting

25:39

and loving your partner. Readiness coaching is also about

25:42

creating and developing your own relationship

25:45

plan. And I have to tell you, none of my

25:47

clients, when they came to me initially, have a relationship

25:50

plan. And it's designed to put

25:53

together what you want your relationship to look like

25:56

this year. What do you want to

25:59

accomplish with your partner this year and

26:02

individually? and it also provides a check in

26:05

on various aspects of a

26:08

relationship that can go awry, and I'll talk about

26:11

those in a minute. But if you would like to become a

26:13

better partner or become ready for a relationship,

26:17

I suggest you go to readyquiz

26:19

drdarhawks.com and

26:22

check in on these 15 areas of focus where I

26:25

provide you in that quiz, statements that you

26:27

can ask yourself and rate yourself as

26:30

to how things are going in that area

26:33

of your relationship. So here are the 15 areas of

26:36

focus that I work with my clients,

26:39

towards creating happy, healthy and

26:41

harmonious relationships. One is respect. Being

26:44

respectful of each other and ourselves.

26:47

Appreciating and loving each other and yourself.

26:49

Balancing being an individual with being a couple.

26:52

Valuing and appreciating each other and

26:55

yourself. Supporting each other, trusting each

26:58

other and honoring each other's commitments and

27:00

promises and learning how to negotiate

27:03

when there's differences in those commitments or

27:06

differences in what each partner wants and

27:09

how to handle things when commitments are

27:12

broken or promises are broken. Providing and having

27:15

emotional safety, spiritual safety, financial

27:18

and legal safety accepting and understanding each

27:21

other and yourself. Practicing clean,

27:24

curious and connecting communication

27:27

creating common ground creating an intimate

27:29

connection creating harmony in yourself

27:32

and with your relationship while having healthy

27:35

boundaries and honoring them for each other and

27:38

creating time and space for each other and for romance,

27:41

intimacy and sex. The quiz will

27:44

help you as an individual look

27:46

at these different areas. There'll be statements for you

27:49

to rank yourself or rate yourself on

27:52

as to how you're thinking things are going in your

27:55

relationship with respect to that area. Attraction

27:58

coaching is the second stage. I'm trained in

28:01

and that focuses on helping you meet your lifetime

28:04

partner. Primarily in my coaching

28:07

practice, I focus on

28:09

creating your relationship plan.

28:12

Whether you do that by yourself or with your partner

28:15

matters not. it just really depends on

28:18

what you're coming to me with. So the relationship

28:21

plan is a detailed plan and I

28:24

help you ensure that you stay on

28:27

your path with your plan that you design with me.

28:30

It includes all kinds of things. In

28:33

addition to those 15 areas I just shared, a

28:36

relationship plan includes how you're going to communicate with

28:38

each other, your agreements with each other,

28:42

domestic responsibility agreements with each

28:44

other. It can include agreements

28:47

around how you're going to handle and manage things when one or the other

28:51

is upset or angry. It's pretty

28:53

comprehensive. Even though I have a framework

28:56

for the relationship plan, you're the one that

28:59

really creates it, with me, and then I help you stay on

29:02

track with it. And then we review it

29:04

periodically to do check ins to see

29:07

how things are going optimally. I collaborate with you and

29:12

your partner, if desired, to

29:15

get you from wherever you are up to

29:18

five. The ranking scale is one to

29:20

five, and so when you're operating optimally

29:23

in your relationship, the five is the score.

29:26

Commitment coaching helps new couples and

29:29

existing couples be conscious and

29:31

objective about their future. And

29:34

now you can see why the relationship plan is important

29:37

because there's also dreams and goals and

29:40

aspirations, part of the relationship

29:42

plan. What do you want for your future? Where

29:45

do you see yourself going? And then when life

29:48

throws in curveballs, you can make adjustments to

29:51

your plan. Coaching activities could include becoming

29:54

clear about what is serving you in this relationship

29:57

and what isn't and what to do about it. It's about getting a

30:00

reality check about your relationship

30:03

plan and goals and being accountable for what you

30:06

want and moving forward to

30:08

accomplishing whatever it is you want to

30:11

have. It's about developing

30:13

strategies and actual

30:16

techniques for difficult conversations and

30:19

decision making so that you can do those with your

30:22

partner or have those with your partner

30:24

without creating a big mess or

30:26

conflict. Commitment coaching

30:29

also addresses emotional and other compatibility

30:32

issues. And if you want to check in

30:35

on potential compatibility

30:37

concerns or questions that you might have,

30:40

I invite you to go to couplesquiz

30:43

drdarhawks.com. That one

30:46

is more tailored to you thinking about your

30:49

partner in your relationship and more about

30:51

compatibility, whereas the other one is more about you

30:54

looking at it from your point of view. Couples

30:57

coaching is the fourth stage and that's where I

31:00

work with a committed couple to create a

31:03

functional, healthy, harmonious relationship going

31:06

forward. There we may work on getting a

31:08

relationship off to a good start. We can also

31:11

work on your relationship plan here, and we can also

31:14

save a relationship that's become rocky

31:16

or is close to ending. But the couple wants to make

31:19

a last ditch effort to try and save the

31:22

relationship. And that could be whether you stay together

31:25

or not, you still will have a

31:28

great relationship. Building, effective communication, and

31:31

conflict prevention skills.

31:34

Not a fan of conflict resolution skills because

31:37

it's about the existing conflict. I prefer

31:40

to also give my clients prevention

31:42

skills. Also giving you skills and tools to

31:45

discover and overcome issues and obstacles around

31:48

topics like parenting, domestic

31:50

responsibilities, finances, et cetera,

31:53

and also identifying and negotiating mutual wants, needs,

31:56

and goals. You can probably see a theme here, right? Everything is

31:59

part of your relationship. And then the fifth one, which is my

32:02

terminology here, happy, healthy, harmonious

32:05

coaching stage helps a committed couple

32:08

that's already humming along in their

32:10

relationship, but they just want to deepen their emotional

32:13

intimacy, trust, love and connection.

32:16

Or they may have taken the couple's quiz and they're

32:19

noticing a few areas where they've

32:22

gone from a five to a score, a

32:24

lower score, and they want to amp it up again.

32:27

Coaching activities could include reviewing the couple's quiz,

32:30

developing or updating the relationship plan around those,

32:33

and making agreements, and providing tools and

32:36

techniques in a structure for quality time

32:39

together. For increasing authentic

32:41

expression of your thoughts, feelings, and wants and needs with

32:44

each other, owning emotional reactivity

32:47

and addressing, going through them without

32:50

creating an outburst or an

32:52

upset that makes you both want to not be in

32:55

the same room with each other and being able to

32:58

say, you know, I'm really angry about this and this is how I

33:01

feel about it and it being okay.

33:04

Increasing mutual trust, support and safety

33:07

around m emotional vulnerabilities and

33:10

intimacy could also include

33:13

navigating life changes where maybe

33:15

you're having to take care of an aging parent and

33:18

that's changing the dynamic of your relationship. Or

33:21

an example with COVID where you're both at home now

33:24

and you're working and the kids are at home and

33:27

navigating all of those stress stressors.

33:30

It includes developing skills, rituals, and practices for

33:33

deepening emotional, physical and spiritual connection and

33:36

navigating life. The hurdles that life

33:39

brings. Your relationship coach can help you

33:41

fall in love with yourself, your partner, and your relationship

33:44

all over again. Because, to be honest, if you don't

33:47

love yourself, it's really because, let's be honest,

33:50

if you don't love yourself, my question

33:53

is, how can you expect your partner

33:56

to love you for who you are? And

33:59

if you don't love yourself? How is that really serving

34:02

you? I believe that happy, healthy and harmonious

34:05

relationships are created by becoming and being a

34:07

healthy partner, emotionally, mentally,

34:10

physically, financially, legally,

34:13

psychologically. I think I said mentally though.

34:16

And with our families,

34:19

it includes having a healthy relationship

34:22

mindset, practicing healthy relationship

34:24

behaviors using connecting,

34:26

communication, managing your energy and

34:29

moods, and scheduling quality time with

34:32

your partner. Your time together, with or without your

34:35

partner will help you learn how to nurture your

34:38

relationship so that you can feel fulfilled and

34:41

appreciated. Communicate openly and

34:43

honestly and confidently. Ride through

34:46

any conflicts calmly enjoy

34:49

time with your partner again and feel like the best

34:52

version of yourself as your relationship

34:55

just gets better and better and better. Please

34:58

know you're not in this alone.

35:00

As a side note, I mentioned this earlier. Relationship

35:03

coaching and life coaching is really challenging

35:07

to explain and the reason is because it's

35:10

experiential. And my

35:13

suggestion is if you're wanting to hire a relationship

35:16

coach, have a consult with

35:18

them and make sure that you have enough time with

35:21

them and they give you their time to where you can get to know each

35:24

other. And if you're feeling like what they're

35:27

saying, their energy resonates with

35:29

you and there are

35:32

no barriers or resistance in you,

35:35

then they're probably a good fit for you. If after

35:38

learning about what a relationship coach does and

35:41

connecting with my voice and words and

35:44

energy, you feel you could benefit from

35:46

relationship coaching, contact me by going to

35:49

drdarhawks.com and click on the

35:52

contact button or link and

35:55

you'll find ways to connect with me there. Or go ahead and

35:58

schedule a coaching session. Why wait? You can

36:00

schedule your coaching session by going to

36:03

relationshiphuddle me.

36:06

That's relationship H-U-D-D-L-E me m

36:11

if you're not quite ready for coaching, I invite you once

36:14

again to take my sovereign relationship needs

36:16

quiz. It costs you nothing but a few

36:19

minutes of your time and you'll learn about five

36:22

life changing relationship needs along

36:25

with what your primary need in your relationships

36:28

is all about. Go to

36:30

relationshipneeds me

36:33

now to take that quiz. Thank you for being

36:35

here. Thank you for your listening and I look forward

36:38

to connecting with you next time.

36:43

If you enjoyed today's episode and found it

36:46

helpful, please subscribe to the better

36:48

Relationships podcast on your favorite platform

36:51

and share it with your friends and family.

36:54

Together, we can create a community of

36:56

healthier, happier and harmonious

36:59

relationships. To better

37:02

understand your unconscious needs and unlock

37:04

better communication, take the sovereign relationship

37:07

needs test at relationshiptest

37:10

me so you can have a more fulfilling relationship

37:13

with your partner. For additional

37:16

resources, information, and to share your thoughts or

37:19

questions, visit drdarhawks.com. That's

37:23

drdarhawks.com. And

37:27

if you'd like to schedule a coaching session with Dr.

37:30

Dar, visit relationshiphuddle

37:33

me. Until next time, keep

37:36

communicating with curiosity and an open

37:39

heart. The advice in this podcast is not a

37:42

substitute for the professional medical advice, diagnosis,

37:45

or treatment provided by licensed med or mental health

37:47

professionals.